Mr.Whiskers.

Screenshot_898 I have always loved reading, been a voracious reader, and been good at reading and I owe my love of books and reading to Mr. Whiskers. I will always remember Mr. Whiskers. It was the reading book I was the first to graduate to reading in my grade 1 class after completing the other book. I think it was actually supposed to even be a grade 2 reader from what I remember. I still remember the feeling of accomplishment of it, and of always being told by my teachers what a good reader I was, and always being called on to read aloud, and I always was able to read with ease and have always loved books and reading and I still do. Language has always been my strong point, probably explains why I’ve always been able to learn other languages with such ease. I also remember in grade 6 I did a reading marathon for charity and was one of the top ones in my class and I won a fuzzy pink tennis ball. I have now also passed on my love of reading to some of my kids and nothing beats an old-fashioned book, the feel and smell of it, holding it in my hands and turning the pages. I will never read an e-book or anything like that. I just love reading and I love books. We have so many books at our house the book shelves are actually overflowing!

Screenshot_897 We’re having a heatwave here and for the next week or so as well. Tomorrow it’s even supposed to get up to 35 C and feel like 45 C. I really wish the pool was working!! Yesterday was also a day I thought and hoped I might die,too, only I didn’t and am disappointed to find that I’m still here. I really had my heart set on it and I was excited and looking forward to it, sort of like the day you’re all set to leave for a trip and then as the day progressed and nothing happened and I felt fine(other than abdomenel pain and headache, the usual) I began to doubt anything was going to happen; it was just going to be another normal usual day, just like any other, although I still held out hope as I did still have until Midnight, but just my luck, nothing happened.Shit.

My mother had an adventure last night though in the middle of the night: she got up to go to the bathroom but didn’t put the light on as she doesn’t want to wake up and she somehow missed the toilet trying to sit down and slipped off and fell onto the floor, landing on her side and hitting her head and she laid there for quite awhile, wedged in and somehow stuck, until she was finally able to free herself and no one else was up and awake to help her. It reminds me of that commercial about the old people, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

The 15 YR old also got a parcel in the mail yesterday and it felt like a bunch of wires and I thought it was a bomb,and the lump under Buddy’s eye looks bigger today and it feels rubbery and hard, so maybe it’s a cyst, at least I hope that’s all it is and sometimes I get this uneasy feeling that he doesn’t have much time left; that he’s dying soon, and I hope it’s just a fear and not actual  reality, but just in case I’m making sure I do all the things he loves and enjoys with him and give him all his fave foods and cuddle him as much as I possibly can so he knows how loved he is and so that he can enjoy what time he does have left and that I can make his last days as happy as possible. I don’t even want to think of the possibility of losing him though, he means so much to me and loves me like no one else ever has and is the best friend I’ve ever had, and the only joy in my life.That little dog is my whole world. I just hope I die first, before him, that God grants me that mercy; I couldn’t bear to lose him. He’s really the only emotional support I’ve got.

Smile.

Screenshot_895 I never smile. I guess you could even say Resting Bitch Face is my normal every day look.  I learned to never smile growing up because of my ugly crooked teeth and my mother always reminding me to keep my mouth closed so people won’t see my teeth so that when I do smile to do it with my mouth closed, and then it got to a point with my life and nothing but so much heartache, trauma, abuse, crisis, stress,unhappiness, and misery that I had no reason to even smile anymore and now it’s been like forever since I last smiled, or had any reason to smile, and I pretty much have forgotten how it’s been so long. To me smiling would feel so unnatural, so forced, so fake, and the complete opposite to what I’m feeling on the inside.  I usually have either this stone-cold blank-ish expression on my face or a sad scowl. It’s hard to smile when your life’s always falling apart, when you’re always so unhappy, when you’re constantly lurching from one crisis to the next, barely able to hold your head above water, just trying to survive thru each day. I have to learn to smile again but I still have to cover my ugly teeth which would still give me an ugly smile anyway.

We also had the repairman come back, the idea being we run the dishwasher before he comes so he can actually see and smell the smoke for himself. I don’t think we should even be using it at all as I’m terrified it will catch fire, but my mother and hubby insist we do; that no one wants to hand-wash dishes otherwise. Of course it never did anything when he was here but when I told him how the smoke comes thru the back at the wall it was like something suddenly “clicked” in his head and then he dis-assembled it part way and saw underneath there was water and gunk and he said it’s an electrical problem, just as I had suspected and NOT to use it and to call an electrician. He didn’t say if it would have caught fire, but I think it was strongly implied by the way he insisted we NOT use it!! So, I was right but of course no one ever listens to me. They don’t think I know what I’m talking about but I’ve already been thru one electrical fire and I know what burning wires smell like! That’s something that I will never forget.

As well, yesterday was the absolute last day for all of the schools, even the last ones, so all the kids are off on summer vacation now. Some of them the last day was 3-4 days ago but the very latest last day for the very latest last day was yesterday. We finished our homeschooling last week.I also saw our neighbour L when we were out walking our dogs and she asked when we’ll be listing our house for sale and I told her our dilemma and she said it doesn’t make sense either to take out a mortgage again  now this house is already fully paid for and to live in an area beyond what we can afford, esp. when the idea originally was to down-size and to save $$$$, and she said when they first moved here for the first 5 years her husband commuted back and forth to work every day to Ottawa, which is even farther than Toronto(just in the other direction) a 3 HR drive each way,and then she said he eventually just got an apartment there and stayed there all week and came home on the weekends. She said she doesn’t want us to move, and I don’t,either, and not only do I not want to move and can’t really see myself moving, but sometimes I also get what can be best described as “bad vibes” about moving,too.

Poor Buddy also has this bump below his right eye underneath I hope is just an insect bite, like a wasp, mosquito, black fly, or spider, and NOT some sort of cancerous tumour or something…..shit….I worry just as much about him as I do about my kids! It’s just that I love that little guy soooooo much and I have so much to lose.He’s the light in my dark world and if anything ever happened to him I’d just be so desolate, so lost, so alone,and so devastated.

The Repairman.

Repairman This post was supposed to be about the dishwasher repairman except there’s really not much to tell. He was supposed to come early in the morning and he didn’t end up coming until after 4 pm and of course with our luck when he started running the damn thing it worked perfectly fine, no smoke, no burned smell, nothing, and he said there’s nothing wrong with it and nothing he can do for us, so we basically spent 85$ on a service call for nothing…..and then, get this…….after he’d left we ran it thru a cycle and I started to smell a burnt, smoky smell, and my hubby and the 11 YR old did too so I wasn’t imagining it. Seriously? WTF,man? This is really freaking me out; I’m scared it’s another electrical issues and will eventually catch fire and we’ll end up having another fire, just like we did at the old house 22 years ago! Maybe we need an electrician to come check things out and not a repairman? Maybe it’s an electrical issue that just happens to affect the dishwasher and the actual dishwasher itself has no issues? I remember before if we ran any other appliance with  it at the same time that it would always blow a fuse…

I don’t trust it and never want to use it again as there’s no use taking a chance and asking for trouble. Of course now it’s really playing on my anxious mind,too, which is now stressing over-time worrying what if it slowly smoulders there, behind the wall or something, and catches fire during the night, when we’re all asleep? My guess it perhaps it got wet back there or something, leaking from the sink, or the dishwasher itself even, and short circuits? The question that troubles me is also What is God trying to tell us with this? To prevent another fire? That we have an electrical problem in the house and should move? Allowing a small fire to ensure that we stay and don’t move, to keep us here as we renovate?Or just to get rid of the dishwasher? Or is it even evil outside forces, perhaps, trying to harm us?

Since I don’t have much for a blog post today, I’ll leave you with more inspirational thoughts, esp. as I seem to have so many of them lately:

Screenshot_890

Screenshot_889

Screenshot_888

Screenshot_887

Screenshot_886

Screenshot_885

Screenshot_884

Screenshot_883

Screenshot_882

Screenshot_881

Screenshot_880

Screenshot_879

Screenshot_878

Screenshot_877 I don’t think he even exists…..

Screenshot_876

Screenshot_875

Screenshot_874