Yesterday.

HamburgerHelper Community Care called my mother today asking, sort of like a survey, about her experience in the ER yesterday and she was complaining saying how they never gave her any pain relief, but that wasn’t true; in fact, they gave her everything they had; it’s not their fault that nothing worked, although I do suspect that it worked more than she let on it did, and I think the doctor and nurses thought so too as at certain times she was able to relax, and she looked more comfortable resting there in the bed even able to fall sleep, whereas before she was crawling all over the bed in pain, so something must have worked somewhat and provided her with some relief even though she still kept insisting the pain remained at a 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. Even the doctor said, You were looking pretty comfortable over there awhile ago…. and she got really mad but I noticed it too,and I wonder if part of it may be psychological as well; that she’s built it up even worse in her head than it actually really is, and so much so that even when it physically was relieved(and her body was able to calm down and relax) she still wasn’t able to realize it mentally. She also complained she never got anything for pain to bring home even though he gave her a prescription for a med that’s a tranquilizer that’s also for nerve pain.

It was such a long brutal day as well I will never forget and with both of us away for so long everything fell apart at home; before we’d left I’d put a load of laundry in the washer and told them to make sure while I’m gone that someone remembers to put it in the dryer and of course no one did so I still had to do it when I got home; I was able to get around to it just as I was heading up to bed, and I left out the Hamburger Helper and told the 23 YR old to make it for dinner as I was originally going to except I wasn’t going to be there but apparantly it’s harder than it should have been as it turned out blah, plain, no flavour, and no colour(seen in the photo here); it should have turned out orange, with a cheesy sauce…..I don’t know what he did (or didn’t) do but he said he followed the directions( I mean, it’s not rocket science here; it’s Hamburger Helper;  even I can do it) and then grumbled, You have to be an old lady to be able to decipher those directions! Since we can’t waste food I just “transformed” it into Beefaroni by adding tomato sauce and shredded cheese. He also used the wrong package of beef; he took out the really big one out of the frezzer that’s supposed to be divided up to do two meals, instead of using the small one I left defrosting in the fridge! I didn’t think cooking was supposed to be so complicated!

They also had to put out the garbage and recycling and forgot half of the stuff, and they lift dirty dishes all over the house I had to collect and put in the sink, but at least they did remember to take Buddy out to pee, thank God, and I’d already put his food out before I’d left. Speaking of Buddy, he always chases mice and chipmunks and I always say to him, Would you even know what to do with it if you ever caught one?…..well, apparantly he does; the girls were cleaning the kitchen cupboard and rats came out and so we sent Buddy in and he found their nest which he proudly brought over to me and then he caught and ate and baby rat, alive and whole, like how you see a huge snake eat a mouse, and slurped the tail down like it was spaghetti…..I yelled at him to stop when I saw he’d caught it and I tried to run over to him to stop him but he’d already eaten it before I could get over there. Dachshunds are instinctively natural-born hunters though but it’s still a horrifying thing for your beloved loving dog to be such a fierce primal beast!

Yesterday at the ER my mother was also very demanding with the staff as well which didn’t endear them to her any more, and when a nurse brought her a cup of water for a pill she ordered they  go back and  get her ice with it, and stuff like that, and she was very bossy, demanding and complaining, and no matter what they did it was never enough. I was starving as well as I only ate breakfast at 7am and there’s no cafeteria here(it’s a small hospital in rural Bumble-F*ck) only a  kiosk to buy snacks, like muffins and stuff and when I went at lunch  the only kind of sandwiches they even had were the worst kind ever: tuna and egg salad! Ugh! I also spent the entire time I was there immersed in a deep conversation ongoing with God in my head, praying and asking for strength to get thru the day with all it’s stress, anxiety and worry, and praying for answers, and when they brought her back from her CT scan they found me sitting in the chair with my head bowed and said, Did we catch you asleep? and I said, No, I was praying…it also seemed that my job there was not only to advocate for my mother but also to try and calm her down and mediate between her and the staff, kind of like be the peacemaker, and at the same time I was really worried about her as well and even though I want to get away from my toxic family and live a separate life away from them it doesn’t mean that I want anyone to die; that’s NOT what I meant at all, and it was just such a heavy, emotionally draining, exhausting, worry-filled, overwhelming day filled with stress, uncertainty, waiting, waiting, waiting, not knowing, thinking the worst, stark cold fear, anxiety, and a long,hard day I still don’t think I’ve fully recovered from emotionally or physically. I’m spent.

As for my mother, earlier in the day today she said the pain was the same and lamented, I guess I’ll just have to suffer…. yet she was still getting up more than she has for the past few days( she had been laying down resting) and was up and about, so there must be some improvement somewhere, and then later on she actually said, when I asked how’s the pain, Well I don’t have any right now; not at this moment… I can’t help but wonder though if maybe she is embellishing it and gets herself all worked up over it and exaggerates it up in her head and makes it even worse than it actually is, maybe even convincing herself it’s worse than it really is, or is at least telling people that, perhaps for sympathy or attention? Something tells me that it’s not as bad as she’s letting on. Maybe at the ER they thought she was there trying to score free drugs or something? I can see why they never prescribed her any narcotics for pain though as there’s an opioid crisis and they don’t want people to get addicted.