Smile.

Screenshot_895 I never smile. I guess you could even say Resting Bitch Face is my normal every day look.  I learned to never smile growing up because of my ugly crooked teeth and my mother always reminding me to keep my mouth closed so people won’t see my teeth so that when I do smile to do it with my mouth closed, and then it got to a point with my life and nothing but so much heartache, trauma, abuse, crisis, stress,unhappiness, and misery that I had no reason to even smile anymore and now it’s been like forever since I last smiled, or had any reason to smile, and I pretty much have forgotten how it’s been so long. To me smiling would feel so unnatural, so forced, so fake, and the complete opposite to what I’m feeling on the inside.  I usually have either this stone-cold blank-ish expression on my face or a sad scowl. It’s hard to smile when your life’s always falling apart, when you’re always so unhappy, when you’re constantly lurching from one crisis to the next, barely able to hold your head above water, just trying to survive thru each day. I have to learn to smile again but I still have to cover my ugly teeth which would still give me an ugly smile anyway.

We also had the repairman come back, the idea being we run the dishwasher before he comes so he can actually see and smell the smoke for himself. I don’t think we should even be using it at all as I’m terrified it will catch fire, but my mother and hubby insist we do; that no one wants to hand-wash dishes otherwise. Of course it never did anything when he was here but when I told him how the smoke comes thru the back at the wall it was like something suddenly “clicked” in his head and then he dis-assembled it part way and saw underneath there was water and gunk and he said it’s an electrical problem, just as I had suspected and NOT to use it and to call an electrician. He didn’t say if it would have caught fire, but I think it was strongly implied by the way he insisted we NOT use it!! So, I was right but of course no one ever listens to me. They don’t think I know what I’m talking about but I’ve already been thru one electrical fire and I know what burning wires smell like! That’s something that I will never forget.

As well, yesterday was the absolute last day for all of the schools, even the last ones, so all the kids are off on summer vacation now. Some of them the last day was 3-4 days ago but the very latest last day for the very latest last day was yesterday. We finished our homeschooling last week.I also saw our neighbour L when we were out walking our dogs and she asked when we’ll be listing our house for sale and I told her our dilemma and she said it doesn’t make sense either to take out a mortgage again  now this house is already fully paid for and to live in an area beyond what we can afford, esp. when the idea originally was to down-size and to save $$$$, and she said when they first moved here for the first 5 years her husband commuted back and forth to work every day to Ottawa, which is even farther than Toronto(just in the other direction) a 3 HR drive each way,and then she said he eventually just got an apartment there and stayed there all week and came home on the weekends. She said she doesn’t want us to move, and I don’t,either, and not only do I not want to move and can’t really see myself moving, but sometimes I also get what can be best described as “bad vibes” about moving,too.

Poor Buddy also has this bump below his right eye underneath I hope is just an insect bite, like a wasp, mosquito, black fly, or spider, and NOT some sort of cancerous tumour or something…..shit….I worry just as much about him as I do about my kids! It’s just that I love that little guy soooooo much and I have so much to lose.He’s the light in my dark world and if anything ever happened to him I’d just be so desolate, so lost, so alone,and so devastated.