The Wrong Tree.

Screenshot_1183  I was outside and I saw 2 squirrels sitting in a tree, a black squirrel and a grey one and the grey one I didn’t even notice at first as he almost blended in completely with the tree; he was camoflauged, but the black squirrel stuck out and was really noticable and I remember saying to myself how he doesn’t blend in…. and then I thought about it for a minute and then re-phrased it, He’s just in the wrong tree.It’s not that he doesn’t blend in. In the right tree he’d blend in. If the tree had dark brown bark instead of grey-ish he would have been hidden. It got me thinking: it all depends on how you look at it,and it also reminded me that I’m like that squirrel in life.(and my tree would be a rose-gold glittery palm tree.)

I have never blended in, been the same as other people,don’t fit in, and have always stood out, been different, been an outcast, the odd one out, the one that doesn’t belong, the one that doesn’t blend in and I always thought it was me but maybe there’s nothing wrong with me( other than the obvious, that is) maybe I’m just in the wrong tree? I just have to find the right people, the right group, my Clan, my Tribe, my People, my fit, my niche, my Home, my team, my squad, my comrades, my place where they’re the same as me and we can all relate….like how I did at the YMCA group in Ottawa in the late 80’s, the only time I ever felt accepted, welcomed, part of the group, fit in, liked, and belonged. I found it once, maybe I can find it again? I just have to find other fellow-minded people that are also shiny, glittery, off-beat,crazy-ass,free spirit, sunflower, hippo people like me….

Screenshot_1185 My cut sunflowers have also opened up, and I was outside with Buddy and heard a gunshot so we came inside and Buddy just bolted up and ran in like a bat out of hell, and I knew it was a gunshot too and not fireworks as there was just the one bang! and no echo, unlike fireworks which always come with an echo, more like a boom! boom! My hubby in cleaning and packing up prepping to move is also throwing out lots of stuff, incl. other people’s things and he doesn’t even look and check or ask to see if they even want it thrown out or if they want to keep it; he just chucks it out,and I’ve rescued a few things from the garbage and I tell him not everything has to be thrown out and we are allowed to keep some things,and he kept tossing out the Shel Silverstein books I love too and I had to keep fishing them out for garbage and I finally just ended up hiding them. Books should never be thrown out( or burned) though but always kept or donated so that someone will always be able to love and enjoy them.

Screenshot_1186 This is also my sad pathetic, wilted and last sunflower, on it’s last legs yet I still won’t give up on it. I’m determined to “resurrect” it and have it perk up. I still faithfully keep watering it and every day I go outside I bring it out with me and sit it in the sun and then bring it back inside later in the day so the squirrels and raccoons won’t ruin it. I keep putting hope, love, time, and effort into it hoping eventually it will pay off and I’ll eventually get a nice sunflower in the end, despite all the set- backs. It reminds me of me and my life. I could be that sunflower: despite all the set-backs,hardships, teetering on the edge. losing hope, trials and barely holding on, some days it looks like it’s starting to perk up and other days it’s almost dead, and even on days it’s looking particularly haggard , wilted,and weary it still holds on, endures, survives,and lives on, and with hope and care, maybe it can make it one day? Just like me. We just need time,love,care,hope, and the right conditions to blossom.  Sometimes though, despite our best efforts trying to hold on, the outside environment is just too hostile and we can’t withstand the storm or survive the elements and we wither away and die.

I also notice as well that I’m increasingly having trouble distinguishing between reality and imagination/ fantasy and being able to tell if something’s real or not or if I just imagined it, dreamed it, or if it was a hallucination, and my hallucinations are increasing in frequency as as well, both visual and auditory, and the paranoia is getting worse as well, as well as increasing anxiety and it’s hard struggling when you can’t even trust your own mind and you can feel yourself losing your grip on reality and spiraling down the slippery slope of insanity being lost in the haze of mental illness, feeling it carrying you off, helpless to escape it and I don’t know if it’s due to my white matter deterioration or just my Asperger’s, bipolar,and depression, or maybe some of each?

Both my mother and I have such bad memories and are so forgetful as well we’re like a TV comedy sitcom about senile old folks. I hadn’t remembered if she’d put the suntan oil on my back or not( I can’t reach back there myself and need a hand) so I asked her if she did it yet or not and she didn’t remember either and goes, I must have done it…..don’t you remember? and then I told her, I don’t remember….and if you did do it, don’t you remember doing it? and she said she didn’t remember,either, and then I reasoned, Well, is my back all shiny? If it is, then the oil’s been put on, so she looked and said it was,and the tanning oil had been put back in the cupboard, so I guess she did. We have days like this, moments like this, and conversations like this all the time. I think I’m losing my mind.

Too.

Screenshot_1180

It really worries me that I’m :

Too ugly,

Too dumb,

Too old,

Too fat,

Too unlovable,

Too worthless,

Too messed-up,

Too damaged,

Too much of a failure,

Too broken,

Too crazy

and

it’s too late,

For me to find love.

To be loved.

To be happy.

To find redemption.

To find peace.

To be free.

For my dreams to still come true.

 

 

As well, as the girls were getting ready to walk to church in the morning( I go later in the evening) I heard my hubby whisper to them, I’ll meet you at the corner, as he was going in the van to go out somewhere, indicating that they were just pretending to walk to church for my benefit but really he was going to drive them somewhere else and of course when I confronted him he denied it but I know what they’re up to, being sneaky and deceptive; I’m not that stupid, faking going to church, and besides, I know that trick; my friend J used to do the same thing Sunday mornings when we were in Jr. High; her mother would think she walked to church but in actual fact she was really hanging out over at my house and the $$$ she gave her for the offering she actually spent on candy at the corner store. It’s bad enough they’re skipping church, but lying and sneaking around makes it even worse. Maybe I should just have them come the same time as me so I can see with my own eyes to make sure that they’re really actually there?

My hubby was also fixing the dishwasher and he blocked access from the kitchen to the backdoor and I couldn’t squeeze thru and couldn’t figure out how to get outside the back door and thought I was trapped when he said to just go around the other way, thru the play room, like how Buddy did, but I never even thought of that. The dog is smarter than I am, but with my Asperger’s brain it doesn’t work like that. My brain can only think in one way and not find other alternative solutions if my usual way is blocked for some reason, or as my mother puts it, I can’t do problem solving. So my “solution: was to just try to squeeze thru but it never occurred to me that there might be another way to access it by going another way. In my mind I didn’t even think of by-passing the kitchen and getting thru the back door by the play room as I always go thru the kitchen so that’s my routine and I see it as the only way and in my mind I think why would I go thru the play room when I ‘m not going in the play room. My brain just doesn’t work like other people’s does. It doesn’t think the same way or compute the same way. It’s like I have a chip missing or something, or wires crossed, or short-circuited. Life is hard when you’re stupid.

 

 

Warrior.

Screenshot_1176 I was thinking how I’ve always wanted to escape from myself and my life, to be someone else, to run away from myself, to reinvent myself, to start over, to be a different person, to get away from who I am, to not be that same person that was bullied, victimized, and abused, to not be her, to be someone different, to erase the past hurts, trauma,and pain, to move past, to get rid of who I was, to be another person, etc? I just realized why? What exactly am I running from? What am I so ashamed of? What do I so desperately need to escape? What do I need to forget and reinvent? Why do I have to not be her anymore? Why do I need to change? What do I have to be so afraid of?

I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, and, in fact, I was the victim. It wasn’t my fault that I’ve been molested, abused, bullied, rejected, victimized most of my life, and had a life of constant trauma, misfortune, crisis,despair, disappointment, and unhappiness. In fact, I am a survivor. I am a warrior. I have fought many battles and I have won. I have come out victorious. I have fought, been knocked down, defeated, beaten down,and come back up again,even stronger. I am like the phoenix rising from the flames. I am battle-scarred, beaten,and weary, but I’m still standing. I am still alive. I am still here. I have survived. I am victorious. I am a victorious warrior who has fought many battles in life and I’ve endured and I’ve survived and I’ve won. The battles have come and gone but I’m still here. 

She’s a warrior and there’s no shame in that.She was forced to fight to survive, to defend herself, in battles she did not choose. She did nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide, nothing to run away from. I am still her, that same little girl I always was, that same homely, awkward, lonely, weird kid that never fit in and that was always singled out for ridicule and attack,and that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with being her and now I’m also grown up and I’m a seasoned warrior . I can protect her now and I don’t have to be scared to be her anymore. I can be her, embrace her, accept her, take pride in her, forgive her, understand her,defend her, and not have to be ashamed of her, hide from her, or run from her.

Screenshot_1175 I also got sunflowers! My mother picked them up at the grocery. I just love them. My cousins are also on their way back home to Europe and did so many things while they were here and had a good holiday,and my hubby’s also giving away lots of our furniture(he even wants to get rid of the nice brass bed we’ve had since I was 18,too,and to me it has sentimental value) and packing up boxes of stuff off shelves and bookcases like we’re moving except that we have no place to go to; we haven’t put the house up yet and have nowhere to move to so I think it’s mostly just wishful thinking now on his part as my mother’s only going to agree to move at this point if we can save $$$$$ and down-size, getting more $$$$ selling this place as well as enough for moving expenses than we’ll have to put out buying another house and it doesn’t look like that’s very likely going to happen.Also: frying up liver for Buddy I had to wear full-face goggles to cover up my nose so I wouldn’t smell the revolting stench and puke. We have a warning for funnel-clouds in the area as well so maybe we’ll get a tornado? It would be weird if I died today though as 29 July is a special day for me as it was on 29 July 1979 I got my first dog. ♥

Paradox.

Screenshot_1118 I am so complex and confusing I can’t even figure myself out. It’s like I’m a paradox, a contradiction as in some ways I’m so feminine, girly-girl and yet other ways I’m so masculine and low-maintenance. For instance, I love flowers, pastel colours, glitter, jewellery, accessories, make-up( although I only wear it when I go to church) nail polish, lace, puppies, cute baby animals,sequins, stuffed toys,patterned wallpaper, BoHo hippie style, long flowing skirts and dresses, romance, babies, bath oils, incense, purple and pink, and the other typical frilly frou-frou sparkly things girls generally like I also like things that are more masculine as well.

For instance, I love “muscle cars”, such as the Mustang and Corvette, I wear my hair ultra-short, in a Buzz-cut or similar fashion, I love band T-shirts, Converse hi-tops, pilot’s jackets, heavy music, tattoos, wear men’s shorts instead of women’s( as they’re longer in length and go down to my knees or longer)  Vans checkered shoes, my fave. animal is the majestic and fierce hippo, and am not grossed-out by things like blood, insects, snakes, reptiles, rodents, etc.more like a guy.In fact, a guy I really liked before even chided me before saying I should fix myself up and be more feminine which broke my heart .I also am masculine-looking too(which is a huge contributor to my ugliness) with my big long narrow face and my big build and manly features and I always thought look like a drag-queen or something.I look like an old dyke in all honesty. Isn’t it strange though how they can be so opposite and yet at the same time I’m both?

I guess I just can’t be defined. I can’t be labelled. I’m not simply just this-or-that. I am complex. I am individual. I am unique. I am created by God. I am me.

Screenshot_1172 As well, the 15 YR old got Buddy a new collar, seen here. I have his Rasta-colours collar and leash for when he goes for a walk and this I guess is just his casual around-the-house one although he’s not used to having a collar full-time and it’s uncomfortable and he scratches at it. I looks like something bit his tail as well as he’s been licking at it and when I looked there was a clump of dried hard blood, a bit of oozing blood, and a small “chunk” taken out of it and it looks like it was bitten, perhaps by a mouse or a chipmunk or something, poor boy, so I doctored it up and he just quietly lay there beside me, letting me get to work fixing him, knowing with full trust that I was helping him and would never hurt him,and then when I was all done he looked up at me with gratitude in his eyes and thumped his tail and licked my face in appreciation, as if saying, Thank you! I feel much better now! I was woken at 3:30 am by a scary nightmare as well his eyes had dried up and mummified into hard almost closed-up slits and I’d said, My poor boy! What happened to his eyes? and my mother replied, Someone must have glued them shut. It was so scary and upsetting it startled me awake and once I oriented myself and reached for him and found he was just asleep and ok and it was all just a dream I went back to sleep.

The 15 YR old was also 90 minutes late coming home from her volunteer job at the mission store and I was getting really worried; worried that maybe she passed out somewhere and was laying in the middle of the street somewhere or in the hospital, or she got abducted or ran away or something; all kinds of horrible, awful scenarios playing in my head scaring the shit out of me, but apparantly my hubby and the 17 YR old knew she was working late; she’d told them but no one ever told me and I’m always the last to know anything. It’s like they’re all in some sort of club in my family except me. They’re all in on the know and have the Members Handbook and I don’t.I’m always left out and uninformed even when it comes to safety issues. I’m not even included or a part of my own family. I am always on the outside looking in.