Mind-F*ck.

Screenshot_1109 My hubby always likes to mind-f*ck me, play mind-games with me, play on my fears, worries, anxieties, and psychologically abuse me. He derives some sort of sick, twisted pleasure out of it, out of making me doubt my own mind, out of confusing me, making me squirm, making me worry, question and doubt my sanity, making me trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not, playing on my fears, anxieties and worries, trying to scare me, trying to figure out if something true or just another one of his twisted ideas of a “joke”, whether he’s lying and just setting me up or not or if it’s true, f*cking with my mind, etc. you get the idea. I think it’s just sick, cruel, and twisted, but for some reason he gets great enjoyment from it and thinks it’s “funny” and delights in watching me struggle and fall for it time and time again, trying to figure it out.

This particular time I was saying how even though some of the kids are mentally messed-up(which appears to be genetic) at least none of them ended up in gangs, in rehab, arrested, in trouble with the police, teen moms, etc. so in that way they turned out ok, and then he started planting seeds of doubt in my mind by saying I obviously don’t know what my kids are up to and that the 20 YR old and the oldest who live in Edmonton are now in a gang and when I asked him if he was joking or not( because with him you can never tell, and he also lies all the time too so you never know if he’s serious ,telling the truth, lying, joking, or mind-f*cking with me…. and then he wonders why I don’t trust him or ever believe him ) he wouldn’t say but kept going on and on about how they’re now in this gang and it got me really worried and scared and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I went to bed worried about it, it playing in my head and on my mind all night, and I prayed a silent desperate mother- heart prayer to God to keep them safe whatever they’re into.

Later I asked one of the kids if they knew anything about them being in any gang and they replied they’re in a “gang” ( more of  a guild, actually) in some online computer game they play. Thank God! I was just so worried! So technically I guess you could say it’s a “gang”, but he knew  what I meant, the context of the conversation, and how he implied it and made it come across and that’s exactly how he wanted me to interpret it , with the sole purpose of upsetting and panicking me. He always does this kind of thing to me, playing mind-games with me, f*cking around with my mind. He’s just a sick, twisted, cruel, demented F*CK and he’s ruined my life. Seriously, what’s wrong with him?

As well, it’s been so hot here and so little rain (only less than 10 mm so far all month and the average should be around 60-70 mm) everyone’s grass is all brown, dry,and hard, and the mass shooting on Danforth in Toronto was very close to my old house and on the street my friend A (from grades 10 and 11) lived,and just 20 minutes away from where my cousins were at the time, visiting from Europe! Holy shit!! They also went on a ferry boat touring the harbour and islands, and saw a live theatre production.They saw the play Wicked. Not my personal preference given the occult nature( witchcraft) but I’d like to go see Phantom of the Opera, Hamilton, and Come From Away but I can’t afford it; tickets are like 200$+ each!When we lived there( and had $$$$) my mother and I used to go and see live theatre all the time.

I also saw the Mamma Mia! sequel film and both my mother and I are so slow she thought 2 different characters that looked alike were the same person and I knew they were separate people but didn’t know it was mother and daughter, that it was showing their parallel lives in different time periods; it was confusing, and then my hubby was making fun of me for it,and for being so dumb, and bragging he could tell  in watching for less than 10 minutes. He always looks for every opportunity to put me down and make me feel badly about myself.Yeah, well, he can kiss my ass; at least  can rhyme, know most capital cities,and I can speak more than one language,too, unlike him, so go f*ck yourself, you arrogant, condescending bastard! I swear to God, meeting him was my biggest regret in life.