Thursday Thoughts.

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Screenshot_198 Social Phobia.

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Screenshot_207 I do this all the time! “You know who you are!!”

Screenshot_208 Me, all except for the crystals part. 🙂

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Screenshot_210 Try looking in-between the sofa cushions….

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Screenshot_214 Public school summed up.

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Screenshot_217 We have lots of NUTS on our family tree !!  😀

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As well, today starts the 4 day Adventure in Toronto for my hubby (as it turns out, he got this whole week off for vacation!) and most of the kids. Him, the 17 YR old and the 15 YR old will meet up with the second-oldest and then they will  also meet up with the 19 YR old and the 21 YR old who take trains in. Today they’re going to the CNE (The Ex) and tomorrow the girls go to the Ed Sheeran concert. Not my kind of music but I still hope they have fun. It will also be their very first– ever concert so they will get to experience for the first time ever the wonderful incredible, amazing, mind-altering experience of a live music concert. My hubby never saw the joy and wonder of it, but I’m hoping they will,like how I do, how you just feel the music, how you absorb it and it just becomes a part of your heart and soul, of your very being.  Hopefully this will be one of those memories that lasts a lifetime. Then they also go to FanExpo. It also gives me a few quiet days at home with less people, less noise, less stress, and not having to prepare any meals.

I’m also shocked and dumbfounded as well to find out one of my Facebook friends whose husband just died just a mere 6 months ago is in a new relationship already! Shit! That sure didn’t take long! This is the same one that thought she had her first grandchildren but it turned out her son wasn’t the father. This woman is in her 60’s and an upright, good Christian woman. You think she’d know better and have more respect than that and show some class. I think it’s still way too soon. I just hope too that it’s not some kind of con man or something taking advantage of the “poor widow” in distress….There was an ambulance and fire truck in front of my neighbour L’s house across the street from us last night too and they were there 30 minutes or so too so it worries me and I hope her and her husband are all right and it wasn’t anything serious! Them and us are the only last ones of the “originals” left on our street from when we first moved here 15 YRS ago.

My Bloat.

NewHippos In case you didn’t know, a herd of hippos is called a bloat. You learn something new every day. When I went to the Ex I got these new beauties to add to my collection. It’s always fun being on the “hunt” looking for new pieces to add to my collection, which now makes up close to some 30 pieces, just the figurines, not incl. the stuffed toys,and I enjoy getting them in different mediums, too, such as in wood, stone such as marble, ivory, etc. porcelain,,brass, glass,etc. From all the walking around at the Ex my poor body’s begging for mercy as well: my back ( from carrying around my heavy backpack full of hippos…..they’re right…..hippos really are heavy and weigh a ton!) and legs are all really stiff and sore and are killing me. I can hardly even move. On top of that, my abdomenal pain is back again,too, so today is a R&R Day: Rest and Recovery.

Collection1 Here is the rest of my collection, taken in a series of 3 photos in order to cover them all. They all now currently reside on my bedroom dresser top.

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bloat2 and there you have it!

As well, my hubby and kids always mind-f*ck me by saying that the Edmonton Boys take and sell drugs  and then they’ll never say if they’re just trying to freak me out or if it’s actually true or not, and they make fun of the way my mother and I pronounce Caribbean as well: we say Care-a-bee-an and they said the correct way is Ca-rib- bee-an but either way is  acceptable and correct and is most likely a regional thing, depending where you live how you pronounce it, and I’ve heard other people say it the same way we do,too, even though they said it’s only us that say it like that,and I know that my hubby isn’t the One for me,either; he can’t be; your life-long partner should make you feel loved, special, safe, secure, wanted, important, valued, protected, beautiful, respected, and the like but he makes me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly, stupid, small, inferior, worthless, useless, insignificant, unimportant, devalued, rejected, unlovable, and diminished.

I’ve all but given up hope that there’s anyone out there for me. I mean, who’s going to want an old, fat, ugly middle-aged woman with Asperger’s, Bipolar, depression,social phobia, etc? That’s just too much baggage, too much to handle, and no return. What do I possibly have to offer anyone except for love,and is that enough? I know other fat, ugly, messed-up people find love yet somehow it always seems out of my reach and unattainable. My hubby was the “best” I could do and even he doesn’t want me anymore and got tired of me, just as everyone always eventually does. Maybe I’m just one of those lone wolf people that are just meant to be alone?

I also did my hair back into a Buzz- cut again. It’s always so freeing. I almost feel “empowered” in a way, like the Phoenix rising from the flames.It’s like the true “inner” me is released and I can express my true, real self. It’s just so liberating,and let’s face it, I’m never going to be attractive anyway, no matter what I do with my hair, whether I’m bald, have a Buzz-cut, short hair or long hair; it really doesn’t matter; I’m still always going to be ugly anyway; it’s not like I’m going to look any more ugly, and I already look like a man, so it won’t make any difference having a Buzz-cut, so I might as well just have a style that  like and that best personifies me and best suits me and my personality and if the right person ever should come along then he’ll love me for me anyway, just as I am, Buzz-cut and all.If not, f*ck it; at least I have hair I like and I’m doing it for me,anyway.

 

Me For A Day.

Screenshot_195 My hubby, the 11 YR old and I went to the CNE, or the Ex, in Toronto. We were gone over 12 hours and soooo much walking my legs, back,and feet are killing me and I’m soooo exhausted! I had a good day though! I always love going to the Ex and being back in Toronto again I come alive and it transforms me and I feel like the Old Me again. Just for one day I felt like Me again, the way I used to be. The Me that lived in the city , the Me that was happy, the Me that used to laugh and have fun. The Me before I broke. Every time I go back I get a little piece of that back again, even just for a little while and it just feels so good. I was Me for a day, just like old times and I felt so free and I was even sort of hoping that it would be the day that I die, so that I’d die in the city, the same place where I was born and grew up, and so I would die in a place I love and where I was happy. Lately I have this feeling I am dying very soon,too, that it’s coming  very close, but at least I got to enjoy one last summer and one last time at the Ex.

The weather was also forecasted to be 40 C with the humidex and thunderstorm and even though it was humid we just got a bit of rain, thank God. I was originally supposed to go last Thursday, when the weather was good for walking around the Ex; it was overcast and breezy, and then it got switched to a Saturday,and then bumped to this day as my hubby kept changing his mind and something for me is always last in priority. At one point he even indicated that he might not even have time to take me this year even though I hardly go anywhere and this is only once a year and I look forward to it all year. Going to the Ex and Christmas are my 2 fave. days of the year.

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This is a photo of a gigantic garden gnome in the horticulture section I took. I also had fried gnocci for lunch and gyros for dinner. I watched 3 shows as well: one was a dance troupe from Cambodia, another dancers and acrobats from China, and another stunt people/martial artists that have been in Hollywood movies. I also finally found the tie-dye skirt I was looking for and 5-6 hippos to add to my collection! One of the vendors I got one of the hippos from even came all the way from South Africa to sell his wares at the Ex….and I thought we came a long way with our 2 hour drive! Buddy really missed me though being gone all day and he was sad, sulking and moping  around and hid under the couch all day.

On the way home my hubby started falling asleep driving, which is just as dangerous as driving impaired, so we stopped and pulled over at a truck stop in Port Hope and he napped for awhile before resuming the rest of our trip and I kept seeing lightening as well which neither he or the 11 YR old  said they saw, and they said was all in my head, and I know I do hallucinate and I know it’s worse when I’m tired but I really don’t think I was about this but it’s really embarrassing though when I hallucinate; I’m so sure that I saw or heard something and then only to find out that no one else did and it was all my imagination and then I feel really stupid and embarrassed….I know I did hallucinate for sure though on the way home on the highway when I “saw” silver, gold,and red lights beaming down from way up in the sky all the way down onto the highway below and they were “dancing” in the sky and it looked like the bright colourful laser show but I still do think the lightening was for real though.