Thursday Thoughts.

Screenshot_188

Screenshot_198 Social Phobia.

Screenshot_201

Screenshot_203

Screenshot_204

Screenshot_206

Screenshot_207 I do this all the time! “You know who you are!!”

Screenshot_208 Me, all except for the crystals part. 🙂

Screenshot_209

Screenshot_210 Try looking in-between the sofa cushions….

Screenshot_213

Screenshot_214 Public school summed up.

Screenshot_215

Screenshot_216

Screenshot_217 We have lots of NUTS on our family tree !!  😀

Screenshot_218

Screenshot_219

Screenshot_186

Screenshot_221

As well, today starts the 4 day Adventure in Toronto for my hubby (as it turns out, he got this whole week off for vacation!) and most of the kids. Him, the 17 YR old and the 15 YR old will meet up with the second-oldest and then they will  also meet up with the 19 YR old and the 21 YR old who take trains in. Today they’re going to the CNE (The Ex) and tomorrow the girls go to the Ed Sheeran concert. Not my kind of music but I still hope they have fun. It will also be their very first– ever concert so they will get to experience for the first time ever the wonderful incredible, amazing, mind-altering experience of a live music concert. My hubby never saw the joy and wonder of it, but I’m hoping they will,like how I do, how you just feel the music, how you absorb it and it just becomes a part of your heart and soul, of your very being.  Hopefully this will be one of those memories that lasts a lifetime. Then they also go to FanExpo. It also gives me a few quiet days at home with less people, less noise, less stress, and not having to prepare any meals.

I’m also shocked and dumbfounded as well to find out one of my Facebook friends whose husband just died just a mere 6 months ago is in a new relationship already! Shit! That sure didn’t take long! This is the same one that thought she had her first grandchildren but it turned out her son wasn’t the father. This woman is in her 60’s and an upright, good Christian woman. You think she’d know better and have more respect than that and show some class. I think it’s still way too soon. I just hope too that it’s not some kind of con man or something taking advantage of the “poor widow” in distress….There was an ambulance and fire truck in front of my neighbour L’s house across the street from us last night too and they were there 30 minutes or so too so it worries me and I hope her and her husband are all right and it wasn’t anything serious! Them and us are the only last ones of the “originals” left on our street from when we first moved here 15 YRS ago.

My Bloat.

NewHippos In case you didn’t know, a herd of hippos is called a bloat. You learn something new every day. When I went to the Ex I got these new beauties to add to my collection. It’s always fun being on the “hunt” looking for new pieces to add to my collection, which now makes up close to some 30 pieces, just the figurines, not incl. the stuffed toys,and I enjoy getting them in different mediums, too, such as in wood, stone such as marble, ivory, etc. porcelain,,brass, glass,etc. From all the walking around at the Ex my poor body’s begging for mercy as well: my back ( from carrying around my heavy backpack full of hippos…..they’re right…..hippos really are heavy and weigh a ton!) and legs are all really stiff and sore and are killing me. I can hardly even move. On top of that, my abdomenal pain is back again,too, so today is a R&R Day: Rest and Recovery.

Collection1 Here is the rest of my collection, taken in a series of 3 photos in order to cover them all. They all now currently reside on my bedroom dresser top.

collection2

bloat2 and there you have it!

As well, my hubby and kids always mind-f*ck me by saying that the Edmonton Boys take and sell drugs  and then they’ll never say if they’re just trying to freak me out or if it’s actually true or not, and they make fun of the way my mother and I pronounce Caribbean as well: we say Care-a-bee-an and they said the correct way is Ca-rib- bee-an but either way is  acceptable and correct and is most likely a regional thing, depending where you live how you pronounce it, and I’ve heard other people say it the same way we do,too, even though they said it’s only us that say it like that,and I know that my hubby isn’t the One for me,either; he can’t be; your life-long partner should make you feel loved, special, safe, secure, wanted, important, valued, protected, beautiful, respected, and the like but he makes me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly, stupid, small, inferior, worthless, useless, insignificant, unimportant, devalued, rejected, unlovable, and diminished.

I’ve all but given up hope that there’s anyone out there for me. I mean, who’s going to want an old, fat, ugly middle-aged woman with Asperger’s, Bipolar, depression,social phobia, etc? That’s just too much baggage, too much to handle, and no return. What do I possibly have to offer anyone except for love,and is that enough? I know other fat, ugly, messed-up people find love yet somehow it always seems out of my reach and unattainable. My hubby was the “best” I could do and even he doesn’t want me anymore and got tired of me, just as everyone always eventually does. Maybe I’m just one of those lone wolf people that are just meant to be alone?

I also did my hair back into a Buzz- cut again. It’s always so freeing. I almost feel “empowered” in a way, like the Phoenix rising from the flames.It’s like the true “inner” me is released and I can express my true, real self. It’s just so liberating,and let’s face it, I’m never going to be attractive anyway, no matter what I do with my hair, whether I’m bald, have a Buzz-cut, short hair or long hair; it really doesn’t matter; I’m still always going to be ugly anyway; it’s not like I’m going to look any more ugly, and I already look like a man, so it won’t make any difference having a Buzz-cut, so I might as well just have a style that  like and that best personifies me and best suits me and my personality and if the right person ever should come along then he’ll love me for me anyway, just as I am, Buzz-cut and all.If not, f*ck it; at least I have hair I like and I’m doing it for me,anyway.