My Bloat.

NewHippos In case you didn’t know, a herd of hippos is called a bloat. You learn something new every day. When I went to the Ex I got these new beauties to add to my collection. It’s always fun being on the “hunt” looking for new pieces to add to my collection, which now makes up close to some 30 pieces, just the figurines, not incl. the stuffed toys,and I enjoy getting them in different mediums, too, such as in wood, stone such as marble, ivory, etc. porcelain,,brass, glass,etc. From all the walking around at the Ex my poor body’s begging for mercy as well: my back ( from carrying around my heavy backpack full of hippos…..they’re right…..hippos really are heavy and weigh a ton!) and legs are all really stiff and sore and are killing me. I can hardly even move. On top of that, my abdomenal pain is back again,too, so today is a R&R Day: Rest and Recovery.

Collection1 Here is the rest of my collection, taken in a series of 3 photos in order to cover them all. They all now currently reside on my bedroom dresser top.

collection2

bloat2 and there you have it!

As well, my hubby and kids always mind-f*ck me by saying that the Edmonton Boys take and sell drugs  and then they’ll never say if they’re just trying to freak me out or if it’s actually true or not, and they make fun of the way my mother and I pronounce Caribbean as well: we say Care-a-bee-an and they said the correct way is Ca-rib- bee-an but either way is  acceptable and correct and is most likely a regional thing, depending where you live how you pronounce it, and I’ve heard other people say it the same way we do,too, even though they said it’s only us that say it like that,and I know that my hubby isn’t the One for me,either; he can’t be; your life-long partner should make you feel loved, special, safe, secure, wanted, important, valued, protected, beautiful, respected, and the like but he makes me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly, stupid, small, inferior, worthless, useless, insignificant, unimportant, devalued, rejected, unlovable, and diminished.

I’ve all but given up hope that there’s anyone out there for me. I mean, who’s going to want an old, fat, ugly middle-aged woman with Asperger’s, Bipolar, depression,social phobia, etc? That’s just too much baggage, too much to handle, and no return. What do I possibly have to offer anyone except for love,and is that enough? I know other fat, ugly, messed-up people find love yet somehow it always seems out of my reach and unattainable. My hubby was the “best” I could do and even he doesn’t want me anymore and got tired of me, just as everyone always eventually does. Maybe I’m just one of those lone wolf people that are just meant to be alone?

I also did my hair back into a Buzz- cut again. It’s always so freeing. I almost feel “empowered” in a way, like the Phoenix rising from the flames.It’s like the true “inner” me is released and I can express my true, real self. It’s just so liberating,and let’s face it, I’m never going to be attractive anyway, no matter what I do with my hair, whether I’m bald, have a Buzz-cut, short hair or long hair; it really doesn’t matter; I’m still always going to be ugly anyway; it’s not like I’m going to look any more ugly, and I already look like a man, so it won’t make any difference having a Buzz-cut, so I might as well just have a style that  like and that best personifies me and best suits me and my personality and if the right person ever should come along then he’ll love me for me anyway, just as I am, Buzz-cut and all.If not, f*ck it; at least I have hair I like and I’m doing it for me,anyway.

 

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