Raw And Real.

Screenshot_232 With my hubby and the girls away 4 days my mother, the 23 YR old,11 YR old and I and I ordered in KFC and pizza. This is the best pizza in the world (other than the thin-crust one I had in the wood oven at the trattoria in Rome; real Italian pizza!) from a local restaurant, the best Italian place around. It has chicken, mushrooms, feta, sun-dried tomatoes, onions, and hot peppers. Seriously, it is to die for. It could be my last meal and I’d die happy, with a full tummy,and a smile on my face. I’ve actually been looking forward to this for the past few days. I know, it doesn’t take much to get me excited. I could have even eaten the entire pizza.(but I didn’t.)

Buddy also caught a mouse! I saw him quickly jump off a chair he was napping on and dart into the bathroom and I was like, Buddy! What the hell? Are you ok? What’s going on?  and I wondered if maybe it was The Creature so I ran after him, following him,and saw he had cornered a mouse in the bathroom and he kept swiping at it with his front paws and batting it around, sort of like tossing a salad, and needless to say he killed it before I could stop him and he tried to eat it as well but I took it away before he could. I also had what I’m pretty sure must have been a hallucination: I was sitting outside on the front veranda and I saw this guy walk by and he was shirtless, wearing tight jeans and had the most buff, toned, amzing body ever, abs of steel, and he had such a deep tan….oh, God, he was gorgeous! I couldn’t stop staring. I may be old but I’m not dead yet.

I noticed as well in my years of experience blogging that other than the 2 or so blogs I read that are honest and real mostly others(and on Facebook too or any social media for that matter) are not so transparent but rather portray themselves as happy, successful people with happy perfect families, posting photos of smiling happy kids and what appear to be happy couples when I bet you in reality most of the time that’s actually far from the actual truth and reality. At least with this blog here, with mine, it’s raw and real. I keep it open, honest, transparent, and tell it the way it is, warts and all.

I am honest and up front about my struggles with mental illness, unhappy marriage, family issues, kids’ disrespectful way they treat me, my toxic family, the traumas in my life,my suicide attempts, my weaknesses, failures, etc. It’s not phony or falslely presented to try and make me or my family look better, happier, nicer, holier, more “perfect”, all “together”, cleaner, politer, etc. than we really are; I lay it all out bare. Of course there still are a few very private and intimate things that don’t get posted here, some that even my own hubby and kids don’t even know, but for the most part what you see is what you get and it may not all be pretty, but I present a real glimpse into what our lives are really like; gritty, messy, full of strife, crisis, stress, etc. It may not be pretty, but if you want an honest look at our life, this is it.

An example would be just a few minutes ago the 11 YR old screamed at me, Go kill yourself! and the other day just before they left the 17 YR old was being her usual mouthy disrespectful self and mouthing-off to me and my hubby said , You shouldn’t talk to your mother like that! which really startled me as he never says that; he never tells the kids to show me respect or reprimands them when they’re rude to me like he should, and, in fact, he joins in, and when I said, He’s right; you shouldn’t; it’s disrespectful and mean. and then the 2 of them laughed and said he was just joking. Yeah….I should have known. No wonder  they treat me the way they do; they copy how he treats me. He’s also my mother’s little toady,too: he always does whatever she says and he never stands up to her, defends me or tells her to stop over-stepping boundaries with our kids, most likely because she carries us most financially and he’s probably afraid if he says anything that she’ll make him contribute more so he does what she wants and defers to her and lets her be boss and she’s always used $$$$$ as power and control over people her entire life. Not too many people would likely post this, or even admit it, but with me it’s raw,and it’s real.