I have decided I will to embark on The Smile Project. I am going to consciously make an effort to try hard to smile. It doesn’t come naturally for me and it’s something I hardly do. I usually have this sour, dour, stone-cold blank stare sort of look on my face, which I guess basically just reflects how I feel. My expression shows my mood, which in turn, shows what my life has done to me and how it makes me feel. It’s hard, actually, for me to smile, takes a real effort on my part, and is something I have to remind myself, tell myself, and make a conscious effort to do. It doesn’t come naturally for me like it does for most people, I assume due to my Asperger’s.That, plus all the SHIT in my life that broke me and beat me down so I no longer have a reason to smile anymore.
I know smiling is attractive to people, it brightens your face, is more inviting, makes you appear more friendly, confident, approachable, agreeable, happy, cheerful, inviting, receptive, warm, open, cheerful, fun, etc. and if you don’t smile or are stone-faced or scowling, it is seen as “defensive” in a way and turns people away, so I am now going to try and smile, and often, but it’s really hard because it’s not something I normally do or that comes naturally and I have to always remind myself and force it and it feels so weird, so fake, so unnatural, so phony, so forced, and it makes me feel very self-conscious, and I wonder how goofy it must look and like Can I really pull this off or do I just look like the Joker? Whenever I try to smile it looks like more like some sort of sarcastic smirk .It’s also very difficult for me to smile as in order to do so I’d have to make eye contact and look directly into the person’s face,too, which makes me very uncomfortable with my Social Phobia and I tend to shy away and look down, away, or at the floor but not directly at the person, which makes me very nervous, panicky, and uneasy. The idea is I smile, feel more confident, smile more, gain more confidence…
This is also the stubby-nubby what’s left of poor Buddy’s toe/thumb. Now what you see here is a tip of bone of a stump attached to flesh.The rest of the toe and the entire nail are gone. Yummy, huh? Now for a joke I call him Stubby or Stumpy. He licks it frequently, keeping it clean, and there’s a healing property in dog saliva too that disinfects and dogs seem to have a way of knowing how to take care of themselves. I had a nightmare as well that he told me he has a tumour behind his eye and he’s dying soon and that’s what’s causing the lumps under his eye. I hope NOT in real life!! The 11 YR old was also mad at me and to be hurtful he yelled at me he’ll kill Buddy. That kid seriously is disturbed.though. I also keep having recurring dreams my ex-friend J is dead now,too.
File this under WORD OF THE DAY: This is my new fave word now: phlegmon. It defines as an infected area within a tissue less defined than an abcess. I just love the sound of that word; it’s sort of like phlegm. I wonder too if maybe it’s eeven an absess that’s the trouble under Buddy’s eye,too? My hubby and kids were being obnoxious, cold-hearted, and awful yesterday as well, celebrating 9/11, having a party, playing games, incl. Jenga, which is like a tall tower that collapses, making innapropriate and disrespectful comments and “jokes”, very crass, wrong, insensitive, appalling, and that crossed the line. I told them how awful they were and it would be good if I had died on 9/11 and then they’d really have something to be happy and celebrate about and then they actually wouldn’t be able to have their annual Happy 9/11! day because everyone else would think they were celebrating the anniversary of my death,too, and would know that they are insensive crude assholes,celebrating the anniversay of when their mother died, and maybe also then as well they would know how the families of the victims of 9/11 felt at losing their loved-ones,too, although if I died they wouldn’t even care though; no one would miss me. The only one that would even care is my dog.