Sheltered.

Screenshot_340 This is the top of my sole surviving sunflower, that I have named Sunny. It’s harvest time now for all the other sunflowers in the neighbourhood, they are all seeding now, but poor slow Sunny doesn’t even have a bloom yet; he hasn’t even blossomed. It’s tall, and goes all the way up to my chest, but the leaves are much smaller than they should be, I’d say half the size, and there’s no sign of a flower.At this point I doubt that there ever will be but I won’t give up hope. Methinks my poor Sunny is stunted, and, just like me, a late bloomer, and perhaps it’s because it’s been sheltered and hasn’t been given the opportunity to bloom and blossom into it’s full potential, also like myself.

Sunny has always been confined to grow in the glass pasta sauce jar because when I attempted to plant him and his siblings outside in the garden the damn squirrels dug them all up and killed all the others so I was able to rescue Sunny and one or two others(I forget) and re-plant them indoors and keep them safe inside, sitting in the windowsill for sunlight, but the others sadly didn’t make it and Sunny was the only survivor, and even though he holds on tight he( also like me) struggles to survive and lags behind the rest, growing ever-so-slowly, at his own speed, lagging behind, marching to the beat of his own drummer, holding on yet never seeming to quite get there.

I bring him outdoors every day for sun during daylight hours and water him daily but maybe to be able to spread his roots fully and to blossom he needs the freedom of living outside instead of being sheltered inside in a glass jar. Again, just like me, being sheltered in life, stunted, unable to develop, grow, and mature the way I was intended and supposed to, always lagging behind, immature and unable to evolve at the proper rate, always falling behind, struggling, unable to keep up,unable to  grow and thrive, due to mental illness and other issues, and traumas and other circumstances in life, never blossoming, dying before ever getting a chance to bloom, always being sheltered and never maturing into what I was intended to be, what God created me to be because  I was limited in life and always held back, unable to fully spread out my roots and grow.

I also put up this photo here so that you can compare both Buddy’s “thumbs” on both his toes so you can see how much was torn off. I was wondering as well if the lumps under his eye might be a blocked sinus or something and every now and then it fills up with fluid and then drains, which would also explain why he sneezes alot,too, and and has really stinky boogers that stink like something rotting and dead? What I really fear in my heart it is though is nasal cancer; nasal adenocarcinoma which also causes facial lumps(as the tumour grows and presses on things), sneezing, foul-smelling nasal discharge, reverse-sneezing, coughing and gagging( which he also does alot and I call gaacck and braacck) and is NOT curable and commonly does occur in older dogs( he’s 12 now) and also in long-nosed breeds like him. It just breaks my heart to think he may be dying, and when I really look into his eyes and feel him it scares me because I have a bad feeling about it.

For the past 3 days as well I’ve seen Buddy laying at the foot of my bed as I was waking up and he was staring intently ahead as if someone was there and he was watching them but no one was, or at least not that I could see, and he wasn’t barking like he normally would with an intruder, so it wasn’t a threat, so I wonder if maybe he saw an angel,   and if so, was it coming for him or for me? Which one of us is dying soon….or are we both? Or is it perhaps just my Guardian Angel watching over me as I sleep?

At sunset as the sun shone onto Buddy and as I watched him bounding around on the grass in the yard my heart felt so grateful for him; he is my life, and the only love, light,and joy in my life. I wouldn’t want to live without him. I’d have nothing to live for, nothing to get up for in the mornings anymore, nothing to keep me going, no one to love me, no one to dote on, no companion, and I’d be so lonely and lost. He is my world, my everything. God sent him to heal and mend my broken heart and he filled in an empty hole that needed love so badly and I couldn’t live without him. I can only pray to God that He takes me first; that I die before Buddy and he outlives me and that I can be waiting for him in Heaven. I’ll love him forever.

The 23 YR old also said that for him a haircut and protein(meaning meat) is a luxury because we’re so short on $$$$ and my mother said if she ever had any extra $$$$$ ( ha, ha, ….yeah…..right….) she wants to invest in some new animal-proof garbage cans with lids and get satellite or cable TV back again( it was costing us 100$ a month so we got rid of it) so she can watch her shows again without always having to need someone to help her with the TV to get them off the Internet, and after I’d had my weed yesterday (I call Wednesday Weednesday) my brain was so mumbled ( even more than usual) and I could feel my entire body just relax and floppy and vibrate, throb, and then I left my body for awhile. It’s the most relaxing thing ever(you should try leaving your body if you can) and I highly recommend it. I think it’s one of the most highest states of consciousness and the stage in-between unconscioussness and death and perhaps crosses dimensions.