Angry.

Screenshot_469 This is what the scrape on my knee looks like from when I fell up the stairs. Angry, nasty-looking thing, huh?I think it must be getting infected( despite cleaning and disinfecting it and keep ing a Band-Aid over it several times a day) as it looks angry, red, and oozing, and it hurts quite alot actually, esp. considering it’s just a scrape, but it’s actually very sore and quite tender, even not having to touch it,and when I turn in bed at night or when my pants even just rub against it, it really hurts. It looks like a a few good layers got torn off. With my virus or whatever reason I’m so run-down tired lately as well it feels like I’m fading away and I alternate between feeling sweaty and chilled.When I sit down it also feels like I’m sitting on something,too and it hurts a bit, almost like there’s something inside, pressing on either my tail-bone or arse….it’s so weird….maybe that’s why my lower back hurts so much lately? I wonder if I might even have a prolapsed uterus or something?

In Mass yesterday as well I felt like I might pass out a couple of times, and as  people were talking around me I could hear the voices swirling around in my head like I do just before I faint and it was a  close one and  as I stood in line for Communion I literally had to talk myself into keeping it together as well when I could feel a panic attack rising. I had to keep repeating over and over in my head, Just keep walking, just keep following the lady in front of you. No one can tell. Just breathe. I had to keep talking myself thru it. There was this one old guy too that kept staring at me I presume because of my hair and I felt like going up to him and saying Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to stare; that it’s rude?

It was also a freezing 5 C when I got up and for Buddy’s walk he had to wear a sweater and I had to wear a knit hat, esp. with hardly any hair, and my hubby was spying at my computer  again and he goes, Oh, you’re going to Jamaica? as I had vacation info up on my screen, and I told him, No, I wish, but I can still dream!  I told the 11 YR old as well Americans are nice people, they just have a shitty President,  and he said, What about all the shootings? and I told him, Those are the bad ones, and there’s bad people everywhere you go; the good ones are the ones trying to get rid of the guns!

Screenshot_471 I also noticed that the stalk of one of my sunflowers in the vase on the coffee table was bent and it was falling over; my guess is that one of kids was fooling around and broke it, and it was starting to die and it can no longer absorb water, so I just cut it and all the others down shorter and now it looks like this (seen in the photo here) which turned out nice, so instead of getting me mad which was probably their likely intention, it worked out nice, so ha, ha! The lyrics in that song from The Cure also remind me of my BFF: You make me feel young again, you make you feel whole again, you make you feel fun again, you make me feel home again .Whenever she and I get together it makes me feel like we’re kids again, just like old times, when I was the Old Me, the one that was happy, the one that I lost and wish I could get back again.

My mother also walked into the rec-room and spying all the boxes packed and piled up on the shelves she asked, What’s all this? and I told her how my hubby’s so sure that we’re moving, he’s got it in his head and convinced himself that we are so he’s packing stuff already, but we’ll never be able to de-clutter,anyway; in our house clutter is LIFE, even though we likely won’t because we can’t afford it and it seems now even the 15 YR old has regisned herself to that fact and even said as much the other day, woefully admitting, We’ll probably never move….yup, probably not.

Screenshot_473

All packed and nowhere to go.