When I Die.

Screenshot_470 Today my lower back pain and abdomenal pain are both really bad. Maybe I really do have cancer ( ovarian? cervival?  colon? rectal?) or something afterall? I also felt a POP! in my lower abdomen just before the pain came back and now it feels really crampy and colicky, sort of like early labour and also the closest way to describe the feeling would be like it feels a cement truck keeps pouring liquid cement into my pelvic area and it feels like it keeps expanding and expanding and I feel like I’m going to explode! My abdomen’s also really bloated and I look prego. I wonder if it might also be my ovarian cyst getting bigger, or perhaps maybe even my IBS, inflamed pouches in my colon acting up again, something rupturing maybe, an aneurysm about to burst, or a hernia, perhaps? All I know is I feel like I’m fading away and it feels like there’s something inside me sucking the LIFE out of me, and at times it also literally feels like a suction, like my insides are being sucked down and out of my body from the bottom end, and so it got me thinking…..

If I’m told I’m terminal, what are the last things I want to do?

  1. 1.Spend as much time as I can with My Boy. Buddy and I are like 2 separate halves and when we’re together it makes a whole, and complete one and if either half is missing  the other half is incomplete and can no longer survive. I want to cover him in snuggles, kisses, and love as long as I can before I die. I just love him so much and I want to spend as much time with him as I can and let him know how much I love him and that I’ll love him forever and never forget him and how grateful I am he was in my life and brought me joy,companionship, and love.

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2. Get sunflowers. Even if they’re not in season. Even if it’s in winter, for example. I’ll even splurge and go to the florist, or order online, or buy them at the hospital gift shop or somewhere else more expensive than Wal-Mart  or the grocery store where I usually get them. They make me happy. I also want them for my funeral.

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3. I want to go to the zoo in Toronto and see the hippo. I love hippos and want to see one again before I die. It’s likely even the same hippo that I probably saw at the zoo many times before as a kid and teen when I lived there. (I mean I lived in Toronto, not at the zoo, ha,ha)

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4. Go to Jamaica. I want to go on one last trip, one last vacation, one last getaway. I’ve already been to most of the islands in the Caribbean but not Jamaica and it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go to. Plus I also want to go to the Bob Marley Museum. If I needed surgery though I would go on my trip first, in case I don’t make it, or I’m too sick or hurt ing afterwards to go, or I decline too quickly afterwards.Maybe I’ll even get lucky and I’ll die there, in my fave. spot, my Happy Place, on a tropical beach by the ocean in the Caribbean, listening to Reggae, with the sun shining on my face…

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5. Smoke a big-ass monster joint. I want to get so ripped I can’t even stand up anymore. I want to smoke my face off.

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6. Eat truffles. The really good kind, the delectable kind, the kind that melt in your mouth and make your toes curl and your eyes roll all the way to the back of your head. The decadent kind. the expensive kind. A whole bunch of them, and eat them all at once, and 

because why the helll not; I’m dying anyway!!

 

That’s basically it, I’ve already done everything I’ve wanted to do and been everywhere I wanted to go so I’m ready. I also have been feeling very “ethereral” the past couple of days too so maybe it really won’t be too long now until I die then? I sure hope, and preferably before winter,too as I really don’t want to have to suffer thru another winter. The 23 YR old also told me he got in trouble(apparantly he “didn’t know” it was supposed to be a “secret” and that I “wasn’t supposed to know”) with the oldest for telling me that he and the 20 YR old “take and sell drugs” as he, the girls,and my hubby are always telling me that to upset and worry me and keep me up nights, although I’m really not even sure if it’s even true or not or if they’re just mind-f*cking me again like they always do and playing on my anxieties, worries, fears, and toying with my sensitive Mother-Heart that never stops worrying, fretting, and praying about my kids no matter how old they are, and I still want them to be happy,healthy, and safe.

 

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