Yesterday we had Thanksgiving. What I’m most thankful for is Buddy; that God gave him to me so that someone still does love me when no one else would (or could) love me, and for my strong faith, even if I struggle personally and have a crisis of faith or have doubts it’s in myself and in my own abilities and strengths; never in God’s, and it’s only because of Him and His provisions, protection, guidance, warnings,blessings,love,and wisdom that I have the endurance I’ve had in order to still be here, despite always struggling to find joy and purpose in life.
This is but a small sample of our big Thanksgiving feast we had for dinner. Besides us we also had my father-in-law over. We had something like 6 turkeys, 5 hams, 6 pumpkin pies( my FAVE!!!!) 2 kinds of veggie, 2 kinds of potatoes, buns, stuffing, etc. It was a feast fit for a king! I heard the kids talking as well how “small” our family is now, now there’s only 4 of them left at home with all of the others having moved out or away(and too far to be able to just visit for a weekend), either at school(and the 2 away at school either phoned or live-video chatted to us back home for today,too, and the 19 YR old had her Thanksgiving and dinner with her BF and his family, so she wasn’t alone) and how it feels so weird now. and how now there’s so much room around the table! and We’re not all squished in now! and remember when all the kids all lived here at the same time? but they sounded like they were being nostalgic though, like they missed it, like I do, longing for the Old Days, missing their siblings and fondly remembering their childhood and it made me smile.
The 23 YR old was sadly sick with a cold up in bed in his room all day so he missed dinner and I’d mentioned to my mother how without him at the table( as both him and my hubby when they both get together are really trouble!) it’s not as likely they’ll act like such losers…. and then, just then as I said that….
A dinner roll comes sailing past from the dining room into the kitchen.
Today’s also supposed to get up to 27 C with a humidex of 35 C and the same tomorrow ( so definitely OUTSIDE DAYS!) and then cool back down to 13 C and stay there, at the average , and for the past few days I’ve had increasing belly pain too ,and swollen and distended stomach above belly-button area and now it even hangs over like a big ‘ol beer gut! I swear to God, I kid you not ,and not sure if it was my stomach ulcer or my liver, both I’ve had recurring issues with but I think it’s my liver as now the pain has also gone down along the right side too, along the path of the liver…and when it’s my ulcer it gives me a bit of relief after I eat but with this there’s no difference, and, actually feels worse around an hour after I ate.
I got an answer as well to my prayer about revealing the truth regarding a serious accusation against me I can’t remember and am unsure if it’s because of my memory issues or because it never happened and the answer pressied on my heart as: ———(the accuser) has a mental illness.Sometimes their mind gets ‘jumbled’ up, like yours does, and they can’t tell what’s real from what’s just in their mind. There’s no malicious intent; they really do believe it but their mind is playing tricks on them, and the reason you don’t remember doing it is because you didn’t and it never happened.
Holy shit! I wonder though…. maybe? It might help to explain it, and why it doesn’t make sense, add up, and contradicts with my memory and the memory of a witness who was there at the time. If that’s true then that makes me feel better, knowing I didn’t do anything horrible like that, that I’m not such a terrible person I could do something so awful and then just forget all about it like it was nothing at all.I have nothing to feel guilty, horrible, ashamed and suicidal about because I didn’t actually do anything bad and nothing happened…..
….due to my own struggles with my own mind I still questioned it, had self doubts, wondered, Could it have been possible? Am I really this horrible person only I just don’t know it? No wonder everyone hates me. Am I capable of this? and doubting my own mind, my own memories, my own realities, my own perception, my own reasoning, everything, I am a crazy person, afterall, so anything is possible I guess…. even though I knew in my heart that wasn’t me, that’s not who I am, and I knew there’s no way I would have or could have done those things, and I feel like to cry even just thinking about it, and yet my own insecurities, self-doubts, lack of confidence, and struggles with sanity still made me question the possibility, or at the very least my ability to correctly remember,process, or at least interpret it.
My mother also got mad at me and goes on this rant how I’m a Shop-a-holic and I love to over-spend and she goes on and on, when all I did was spend a whole 7.00$ at the Dollar Store to buy Buddy a dog toy. Wow….. a whole 7.00$! Come on….. is she serious? and then she goes on to berate me, saying I’m still the same as I was in Toronto and Ottawa ( when we used to have $$$$$$ which we don’t now) such as how I’d spend1-2 hundred $$ a week on clothes at the mall. She’s got to be kidding me.Really? We used to have $$$$ then. Now we don’t. I know the difference.