The Last.

Screenshot_749 Yesterday might have ended up being the last day, the last time, before I possibly hear life-changing news. My doctor’s office called and said that today my doctor himself is going to call me to discuss my scan results even though it’s only been 2 days and he wasn’t even supposed to get the results until next week, worrying me that they must have found something really bad, rushing the results to my doctor and his office contacting me, this early. Plus, the last time I got a phonecall like this from him regarding scan results I ended up having to get a colonoscopy(imagine a garden hose up your ass) and they found the polyp in my colon that was bleeding profusely….and if the results were just normal, the secretary would have just told me that yesterday when she called.

So now all these thoughts are running thru my head: what exactly did they find? What showed up on the scan with the cyst on my ovary? What did they see? How big has that thing gotten? Do they think it looks like cancer now, or what? Has it spread?  Is that something along the lines of what he’s going to tell me later today and what I have to brace myself for and prepare for; that I might even have cancer or something and he’s calling me to alert me of this concern and sending me off for further testing, such as to a specialist, or for a biopsy or even surgery to remove it? That’s what I’m kind of expecting, esp. with it being so soon, so sudden,and seeming so urgent.

So, then the thought occured to me, that maybe yesterday was my Last Day. My last day of a normal life. My last day before I find out I have cancer. The last day of living my life as it is now. The last day before my life is changed forever. The last day before a life-altering diagnosis. The last day of normal everyday life. The last day before bad news. The last day before yet another crisis to befall our family, the last day I have any semblance of a so-called “normal” life, the last day before I know, before I find out, before everything changes, before shock, fear and uncertaintly creep in, but regardless, nothing else has really changed; even if I do have cancer, for example, it’s always been there; it didn’t just appear when it showed up on the scan; that was just the day it was discovered, but it’s been there for awhile, and I’ve had abdomenal pain and bleeding issues for at least the past year now,anyway, but my doctor refused to refer me to a gyno despite my pleas.

At least once the cause of the pain is found, dealt with and removed hopefully it will finally relieve my pain…and maybe now I’ll finally get that referral! I kept telling him for months and months that something was wrong, with the abdomenal pain, the heavy painful periods and bleeding in-between and he just passed it off as woman things and just part of being a woman and something I just have to live with even though I know something’s wrong and it’s not normal and even now I’ve been in menopause for 4 months I still have the pain, and the bloating, cramping,  bad fluid retention, constipation and diarrhrea, etc. and I even read somewhere that ovarian cancer can be wrongly diagnosed as IBS, esp. since the symptoms can mimic other things, don’t appear until later,and it’s often not diagnosed until the advanced stages…..

Just in case it was my Last Day of “normality” yesterday before my life changes forever and the last time before Big News, at least I was able to fully savour, enjoy and capture the moment. I felt the sun on my face as I was outside walking the dog. I enjoyed eating a chocolate bar, I celebrated Ganja Liberation Day accordingly, loved on my dog, listened to some great music,watched a good TV show, and captured the moment, just in case. My abdomenal and back pain has been worse for the past few days,too, and the best way to describe the abdomenal pain is sometimes it feels really crampy, like bad period cramps or early labour, and other times it’s a gnawing pain, and other times it feels like bad constipation pain or like when you were a kid and had a bad tummyache or when the waistband of your pants was too tight and your stomach hurt. The back pain is like in labour and feels like there’s something hard pressing on it, like when you can feel the baby’s head pressing against the bottom of your spine.

The good news is though that I haven’t had a hallucination in a few weeks…..or at least not that I’m aware of,anyway,and today one of the kids also turns 24! Happy Birthday!

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