The Walnut.

Screenshot_753 My doctor called me with my scan results: the cyst on my right ovary has gotten bigger since the last scan and has increased in size and is now the size of a walnut but it has clear defined borders so they’re pretty sure it is a cyst and not a tumour and also my endometrium ( lining of the uterus) is also thickening, which, at this stage in my life is not normal, and only would be a normal finding if I was still in my reproductive years and was just about to shed the built up lining in a period, or if I was prego….neither of which are presently occurring so generally in that case a thickening endometrium indicates either endometriosis( a painful condition where the unterine lining is inflamed, infected and may have lesions or fibroids) or uterine cancer, esp. in someone who’s in menopause…..either way both which need to be addressed and treated….

and yet…..

despite that I still didn’t get my referral to the gyno like I wanted and he’s still not too concerned about it, despite that the abdomenal pain continues on, generally 4-5 days a week, and the cyst keeps growing, which isn’t normal,either….he said just to keep an eye on it and monitor it with yearly scans. That’s it, so I guess it’s just something I have to live with. I think Buddy can sense something’s wrong though as lately he’s been even extra attentive,guarding, and loving to me, snuggling up and shadowing me even more than usual, and also whimpering and scratching at me and licking me, as if he’s almost trying to tell me something’s wrong, or that he’s worried about me, or trying to heal me, and I know that some dogs can actually detect cancer,too, they can actually pick up a certain scent that tumours give off. Maybe he knows something everyone else is missing? Maybe he knows I’m dying and he’s mourning?

I was nervous and on edge waiting for the call as well, not knowing what news it would bring. I was sort of hoping I would finally have an answer as to what’s causing my pain and it would be dealt with but now I’m disappointed I’m no farther ahead than I was before but relieved in a way too as even though I do want to die and I am ready to die I still prefer to just die peacefully in my sleep and not suffer and have it drag on for months  wasting away dying of cancer, and thinking that you might be faced with news you have a terminal disease is still nerve-wracking and scary, and only someone with nerves of pure steel wouldn’t be rattled and unphased by it. What will it take though to get them to surgically remove the cyst that continues to get bigger(and how much bigger will this thing keep continuing to grow if we leave it alone: to the size of a golf ball? a lemon? a peach? a softball? a basketball? or what?) and cause me pain; does it have to actually rupture and cause life-threatening bleeding and infection in an emergency situation before they’ll finally take it seriously and actually do something about it?

As well, the 24 YR old is getting a job interview set up at my hubby’s company arranged by him (isn’t nepotism just wonderful? and it really is who you know that gets you in to job opportunites as opposed to what you know,and that’s how my hubby got his start,; a friend got him in by referral) so he’d be doing computer stuff too if he gets it and he’s excited about the possibility and said to me if he gets the job it pays so well that he will even be able to afford both rent and food instead of having to choose just one! and I told him if he’s really lucky maybe he’ll get a bonus and will be able to pay his bills,too! It was funny, but the truth is the cost of living is so outrageous in this country(with costs keeping going up all the time) no one can even afford to live anymore, and everyone’s in debt just trying to scrape by,living from paycheque to paycheque, just trying to survive, and most people need 2-3 jobs to just make ends meet, everything is just so unaffordable.