Frederick’s.

Screenshot_792 There’s now a new mystery of sorts at our house: every day in the laundry I see a bunch of sexy skimpy lingerie(both bras and pantites, incl. lacy things and even thongs!), really trashy, slutty-looking things, even a shiny metallic-looking silver sparkly thong, things that a stripper , a porn star, or a hooker would wear, only the thing is I don’t know who they belong to and when I asked no one would fess up, no doubt probably embarrassed. There must be close to a dozen of them in total, in all different colours, all lacy and skimpy and inappropriate, esp. considering it must belong to one of the girls, either the 15 or 17 YR old, or at least I hope it’s one of the girls and NOT my hubby’s, the 11 YR old’s or the 24 YR old’s, who are guys! I also hope it’s not my mother’s, as she’s 77 for f*ck’s sake! I don’t even want to think about that!! I just assume they belong to one of the girls but in our crazy family who knows….

I’m an adult, a married woman and I’ve never worn trashy things like that ever in my entire life, not even when I was younger, not even when I was thin and had a decent body; I just don’t think it’s decent or appropriate to look like a slut and wear trashy lingerie, but it’s even worse when it’s just kids and teens wearing it,and why would they even want to,anyway? Who exactly even sees it, and it also makes me worry that they might be doing inappropriate things with it, like sexting rude photos or putting XXX videos up online to perverts or God knows what…. it really baffles and concerns me, and where do they even get it from,anyway? Do they secretly order it online or what? It reminds me of the sleazy stuff they sell at Frederick’s of Hollywood. I remember when I lived in L.A going into the store in Hollywood once, just out of curiosity, and I just laughed and blushed and there was alot of, Oh, my God! I wonder what this is for? Ewwww, that’s so gross! and the like but I’ve never actually bought anything there,and thongs look so uncomfortable,too, like always having a wedgie stuck in your butt-crack!

With bad anxiety like I have makes everything extra hard in life as well and every little deviation, for example, sends me into a panic attack as I always assume the worst and it causes me great worry and distress. An example would be that if the girls leave early for work, for example, I’d fear that maybe they went off to commit suicide or to run away or something, or if someone’s late coming home I worry they got abducted or were in a car accident and I imagine them laying in the middle of the road run over, or if Buddy’s laying down sleeping all stretched out flat and breathing slowly instead of just assuming he’s in a good deep sleep I worry he’s dying,etc. my mind plays all kinds of tricks on me and all kinds of horrible thoughts and scenarios always play thru my head and cause me so much anxiety and stress. That’s the one thing that I look forward to most in Heaven(as well as happiness and love) is peace of mind, that my mind can be at ease and not always consumed with worry, anxiety, and fear, not always on edge and nervous, so bad that I’m almost constantly trembling and shaking,biting my nails, and high strung. I want to just be able to let go and relax. Anxiety and worry have consumed me my whole life, even when I was a kid.