My First Child.

Screen Shot 08-13-17 at 08.27 AM  I can’t believe that my oldest will be 28 in 2 more months.That’s older than me when he was born. I was 22, just 3 months away from turning 23. Here he is around age 14. It was a special experience raising him, partly because he was my first child so everything was new and it was a new and exciting adventure and also because he was such a good baby and a good little kid and so smart and so easy, so it was a joy raising him. I really enjoyed raising him and it was fun. I’m so lucky,and so glad, that he was my first. Others that followed some have been really difficult; difficult to feed, criers, screamers, fussy, defiant, destructive,colicky, …..but not him, even as a baby he would eat well, quickly, and with gusto, and go back to sleep and wake up right on time for his next feeding, and I’m lucky that the first one was one of the easy ones. God knew what He was doing.

I still remember the surprise when the pregnancy test stick turned blue, and back then you had to do a series of 3 steps and wait 30 minutes for the result to show up so it was really nerve-wracking.The first time I tried though it came up negative, so it must have been too early. I was surprised, It actually worked! We made a baby! I have a little human being inside me! I just couldn’t believe it! Working with God we created life! Then when I felt and saw him moving around inside me it was just magical, and when I left the hospital after his birth (back then I had to stay in 3 days) I remember thinking, I can’t believe I actually get to take him home with me! and I was full of so much excitement for this new adventure, and he didn’t disappoint.

Every milestone with him was special because he was my first and I was learning as I went along but he made it so fun and so easy that even the rigorous demands of a newborn( the constant feedings, getting up during the night, being sleep deprived and exhausted,etc..) were enjoyable because he was just so good and such a delight and it was such a wonder watching him grow and develop. It was a blessing and a gift that I got to raise him and it was such an amazing experience. He turned out ok too so I guess I must have done something right. He was sort of like our “experiment” being the first, but luckily he came thru it unscathed. I really enjoyed raising him.

As well, my mother and the 22 YR old went to a local  rib fest and they only had 5 vendors, not like in Toronto where they have lots, but I didn’t go as I can’t walk that far and my hubby was too busy to drive, and it was really redneck anyway; they also had beer, cornbread and beans and had a mechanical bull! Buddy seems better now too; he’s eating again and more lively, so maybe he just had a virus or an  upset stomach or something, and my hubby said he could drive me to church yesterday too but he didn’t, so I had to walk and then I saw him drive right by me as I was walking…..and he never even stopped to pick me up along the way and I was soooo pissed off and he never even picked me up after,either,and I felt dizzy and faint all day…..and it was a special Mass as well with the Archbishop ( the same one who Confirmed me all those years ago; he’s been there for decades) and 10 priests, incl. the one who was here when we first moved here….and  the Grumpy Old Fart,too! It was really beautiful and inspirational, the kind of thing that gives me goosebumps.

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Cali.

Screen Shot 05-12-17 at 08.08 PM The 22 YR old’s in California now visiting his GF and staying with her and her family and will be gone for 2 months. I love California,too, and, in fact, went there 6 or so times myself as a teen before we finally moved there when I was 17 but we didn’t stay long because we kept getting mugged. Such is our luck. Just as he was finishing up packing and zipping up his suitcase on the way out the zipper broke so I had to let him borrow my luggage but I love that luggage; it’s so funky and I paid a fortune for it so he better take good care of it and make sure it doesn’t get lost, abused, or stolen! I remember the last trip I was on about 2 YRS ago the same thing happened to my suitcase too, only in the airport hotel so I had to  rush and take the hotel’s airport shuttle and buy a new one at the luggage shop at the airport and it cost me 200$!

The 22 YR old has a big itinerary planned out for him as well; he’ll be going to Beverly Hills, a Korn concert( and his GF’s dad is a music promoter,too, so maybe they’ll even get backstage passes?) camping at the beach, etc. This will be his third time in Cali; the second time visiting her and  once with our family. I’m sure he’ll have fun and it’s a little treat for me,too as without him here I won’t have to lock my computer for 2 months as he’s not here to sabotage it by putting Hitler stuff on it or occult things just to annoy me, and we don’t have to hide our food,either, for fear he’s going to take it….. 😀

With my hubby away I also got to finally order the kind of pizza that I like (that would be mushroom and green pepper) instead of always getting the kind he wants all the time, and I enjoyed it so much( it also happened to be my Weed Day, and having Pizza Day and Weed Day on the same day was one of the  best decisions I  ever made!) I ate the entire pizza! (not all at once, mind you, but throughout the entire day!  I also shaved my head into my weekly Buzz-cut and I noticed as well that you can tell my mental state by the length of my hair and, like Katy Perry said, my eyelashes are longer than my hair.

It’s also Mother’s Day today but I decided that no matter what my toxic family may try to say or do to insult, provoke, annoy, or goad me, I’m just going to try and ignore them, stay away from them, and not let them ruin it for me,and how’s this for a sign from God; a nudge? I just got this random e-mail(but addressed to me) from my travel agent saying, What can I do to help you? and stating that she doesn’t only book cruises, but all types of vacations……how about that? Just at the exact time I knowneed to desperately get away if I’m going to have any chance of survival and want to go to a beach resort in the Caribbean….ok, God, that was pretty obvious…..I know that was you! ♥

Speaking of Mother’s Day, with my limitations, such as my Asperger’s, bipolar, depression, etc. it made parenting even harder and more challenging for me than for others, even more of a struggle, but it was my dream, and I did mean well and have good intentions and I did try and did my best, and did the best I could with what I had to work with, but I know the kids hate, blame, and resent me for it, and that I probably wasn’t the mother that they would have liked,wanted, or deserved, but I also can’t help it and I’m also sorry that I “passed on” my crazy on to them and made their lives more difficult having to grow up with a crazy person, but I ‘ve always loved them and cared about them and only ever wanted what was best for them and tried to protect them. I am sorry for being me and even if they don’t see it, or choose not to see it, I do love them in my own way, even if my Asperger’s, bipolar, and depression got in the way or may have “clouded” things and I apologize.

 

Not Your Problem!

Screen Shot 05-12-17 at 12.28 PM I can still hear the scolding berating words the social worker kept  hurling at me at the session the other day whenever I’d bring up any concern for the kids: It’s not your problem! as she would shake her hand at me and point her finger at me accusingly, but just because the kids  get older,grow up, move away from home, go off to university, etc. doesn’t mean that I stop being a mother, that I stop worrying about them, stop caring about them, stop wanting what’s best for them, stop caring about their health, happiness, and well-being, or stop caring to know what’s happening with them or in their lives, so in a way it will always sort of be my problem because once they grow up and move out I don’t just all of a sudden stop caring or stop being a mother. I must note as well that she doesn’t have any kids, so she doesn’t know what it’s really like to have kids, to be a mother, or the challenges of parenting, but it made me feel so attacked, so berated, so scolded, blamed, and so attacked. They also want the 15 YR old to join in on the next session as well but if they’re just going to use it to blame everything on me and gang-up on me again then I’m through; I won’t be going to any more sessions; they’re already gruelling and emotionally taxing as it is, but  I’m not going to go there every week just to be torn apart ,blamed,and put down; it’s not good for my own emotional well-being and I won’t go there just to be beaten down every week.

As for whatever I may have done, real or imagined, I apologize, and if I really am such a bad mother and such a horrible person then I don’t deserve to live,anyway, and it shocked me when the 21 YR old disclosed that the kids are so competitive that they even compete who’s the sickest, I suppose in some twisted effort to get the most attention, as when someone’s sick they get the most attention( because they need it the most at the time) and everyone rallies around them, even travelling great distances to be with them, and I wonder too if maybe she might even have Munchausen Syndrome, where people enjoy being sick or pretend to be sick or even make themselves sick on purpose in a bid for attention…..I wouldn’t put it past her, esp. given all her false allegations against me and I wonder too if that’s maybe even the reason why the 14 YR old turned against me, esp. when before we used to be very close; perhaps the 21 YR old has been telling her lies about me, making up all these stories of horrible stuff she said I did and poisoned her against me?

I also notice as well the 14 YR old’s now even more distant since she came home from the hospital and she’s rude and disrespectful to every question I ask her and everything I say to her,for example, now she’s 14 she’s allowed to dye her hair, so she dyed her medium brown hair a darker “chestnut” brown and all I asked her was if she could use 1 bottle or had to use 2 bottle with her long hair, and she sniffed, More than you! (because with my ultra-short Buzz-cut I only need half a bottle) and also huffed, Why do you care? and she has that attitude with everything, and no matter how hard I try to bond with them, show any interest, include myself in their little circle, make small talk, use some light-hearted humour, or engage them in any way they just rebuff me and push me out.It’s like I live in a houseful of hostile strangers.

My hubby took the kids(except for the 10 YR old) to an Escape Room with the Nintendo Zelda theme in Toronto for the weekend so I get a nice quiet relaxing time at home(which I really need, believe me,) and I really need to get away and go back to the Caribbean and just spend time on the beach and in the ocean where I was happy and can just relax and get away from my toxic family and the stress of my life, perhaps to a resort in Jamaica or Cuba, but first I need $$$$$ so I’m going to try and sell my Pug figurine collection to raise $$$$ and I have at least 2 dozen pieces, maybe even closer to 50, ranging in sizes small up to large, with many Sandicast pieces,with even the small ones costing 50$, and if I’m lucky and a serious collector wants to buy the set maybe I can get 2000$….. both my hubby and mother shot it down and said no way, always trying to burst my bubble and kill my dreams, but I can at least try,and who knows……

Shocked!

Screen Shot 05-09-17 at 03.47 PM I’m shocked! I learned a recent revelation, yet another secret that everyone else apparantly knew that my family kept hidden from me for the past 2 years : the 21 YR old has an eating disorder,too, and was even in residential treatment and is still currently in outpatient treatment! Well, f*ck me, that’s sure a hell of a big thing to keep hidden from me! I feel so shocked, so hurt, so mad, so left out, so excluded, and so betrayed. No one ever tells me anything! Apparantly it stared when she went away to university, and I know she’s a vegetarian and she’s always been a “picky” eater, never eaten alot, and she’s always been thin( all the kids are) but I had no idea. The “good” of it is at least she’s been there so she can encourage the 14 YR old and show her that there is hope and recovery. I wonder what other secrets my family’s also keeping from me? Is anyone gay,perhaps, or engaged, or pregnant….anything else I should know about ( since I am the mother and if something’s wrong with or going on with my kids I should know about it and do have the right to know)…..????

The way it all unfolded and was revealed was this: the 21 YR old came up to see the 14 YR old for her birthday and it was a surprise visit; she never knew she was coming, so we brought her up with us to see her in the hospital and we also checked her out for a few HRS so she could go to her weekly session at the eating disorders clinic and the 21 YR old came along,too( she also happens to be studying psychology at university and just finished her second YR) and she ended up “hijacking” the therapy session and somehow ended up making it all about her instead of the 14 YR old and it was revealed about her eating disorder and I was just floored….I mean, what a way to find out, to hear such shocking news and I was just so…..unprepared for it, and that’s not all…..then she starts going into this tearful tirade about what a horrible mother I was and recalled “events” from her childhood of all these supposed awful things that I said or did that I don’t even remember….because they never even happened, they’re false memories, either that, or maybe someone else did it and she mistakenly thought it was me,such as insulting her freckles; I know for a fact I didn’t because I think freckles on a kid are cute, but I was being falsely accused and then they all blamed me and ganged-up on me and said it was my fault and I felt so attacked…I was just gutted, and spent, and everything else….and then another knife in my heart is she said she doesn’t even want a relationship with me; she won’t even try.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. I’m sick of my crazy family. I’m tired of always being the “bad guy” and of always being blamed for everything, being told everything’s always my fault, being left out and excluded, for being told what a bad mother I am, for being such a failure at everything, for being falsely accused of things I never did and didn’t do, being devalued and dismissed,being hated, rejected, unwanted and unloved, and if I ever did anything to ruin the kids(even if it’s just my existance or my conditions, traumas or damage) whether real or imagined, I never meant to and I feel so guilty, so sorry, and despite my Asperger’s and the challenges it presents(incl. in parenting) I really did try and did the best with what I had even if it wasn’t very much..

Sometimes I just want to give up and let go, tired of all this and I just want it all to end and for it to all just be over. It never ends. My family has broken me. My kids have destroyed me. My life has shattered me. Yet other times I think, Don’t let them break you.  You can’t change the past; what’s done is done,you can’t undo the past, but you can move forward, you can change, and try to repair the damage. I play with it back and forth, over and over in my mind, and it’s a battle over who will win….should I just end it once and for all,and especially  if they think I’m the problem then if I remove myself from the equation then I’d be doing them all a favour and they’d be better off, or is there something left still worth holding on for?

As well, the 14 YR old said at the unit (psych ward) she’s heard screaming during the night that’s woken her up, and they’ve had several escapes,too, and my back and legs are really sore now as well from picking the dandilions and I’m just wiped-out exhausted and drained physically and emotionally as well from driving up to Kingston every day for the past week (or was it even longer?) to visit the 14 YR old as well, it’s really taking a heavy toll on me and I’m just spent, and I was already running on empty…… 😦

Parenting….Then, And Now.

Screen Shot 05-01-17 at 05.49 PM It’s funny when I look back to before I had kids to the goals and expectations I had for parenting and how I would raise my kids and how they’d behave and turn out to be VS the actual reality of how things really turned out, as they turned out to be very different! Like every hopeful, eager, and expectant parent, I planned on being the perfect mother and I would have good kidsHA!)….and we all know how that turned out…. even when I was prego with my first I’d planned on a totally natural birth, no drugs….but that was before I knew how painful it actually was,and after 18 HRS of  labour without medication I eventually gave in and got the epidural for the last 6 HRS, I was so desperate. So much for keeping my first goal!

I also swore that I would never yell at my kids ( ha,ha) and that they would be polite, cultured, well-behaved, and respectful ( ha,ha again) and that they would be godly and righteous ( again, ha,ha) and that they would be obedient and kind( ha,ha) and they would be good and nice people( and not assholes) (ha,ha) and that they would love me….so much for that, too…. and I also swore that, under no circumstances would I ever lick my finger and clean a dirt mark off a child’s face in a pinch like my mother did to me and I hated it…..ooops again….and I would never “bribe” a child with treats or toys in an effort to “negotiate”…nor would I ever mix up my kids and call them by the wrong names…or swear in front of them ( a big ha, ha on that one!) nor would I have a “favourite”, and on other rules I had earlier I “softened” and lessened over time and became much more flexible, “lax” and rigid, such as with the first baby his “plug” (pacifier) had to be boiled in boiling water and sterilized every time it fell to the floor before I’d let him have it back…..but by the second child I’d just run hers under the hot water tap….and by the third child and beyond I’d just rub it on my shirt, or if there didn’t appear to be any dirt, hairs, or other debris on it I’d just  pop it back in without even wiping it off… As you can see, theory and actual practice are 2 completely different things and things don’t always turn out as expected!

As well, my hubby always calls me a pothead in a derogatory way even though I do have a legal medical prescription for it for my migraines but he always likes to use everything  he can against me and twist it around to use it to put me down so in reply I said to him, “and you’redickhead and a shithead, so what’s your point?” I’m just so sick of all his shit and his abuse, and my mother couldn’t find the 100$ she’d had in an envelope on the table to deposit in the bank and she was convinced that someone stole it,too, but it turned out she had just put it in her budget book and forgot, just like how she lost the hydro bill,too,and it was found on the little table by the phone! She’s really losing it!

I also sat at the end of the 13 YR old’s bed as she didn’t feel well so I brought her breakfast up to her in bed, only I didn’t know her mattress was sticking out quite a bit at the end over the box spring and when I sat on it, it collapsed under my hippo weight and I went flying, and in doing so her chocolate soy milk that I was holding splattered all over my hair and all down my back (and all over her sheet) and it felt so creepy and gross,and now I hurt and am all sore on my right side,too! She was shocked and stood there with this stunned look on her face, trying to process what had just happened, but she was nice about it though and took my hand and helped me up which was nice; usually they’d just laugh at me.

It’s also May, which is always a bad luck month for our family,and we almost always have some sort of crisis or disaster in May, either some medical , financial, traumatic, or other major catastrophe in May( we had our fire in May, our dog die in May, our enemy come for us in May, a job loss in May,costly house repairs in May such as new furnace, etc.),and most of the people in our family that died have died in May as well ( I wonder if I’ll die this month,too? May of my 50th year….. at least if I do, I can have lilacs at my funeral as they’re in season this month!) and we always dread this month and are nervous all month and wait nervously to see what misfortune will befall us…

I Know.

Screen Shot 04-13-17 at 06.42 PM The 13 and 15 YR olds held Buddy “hostage” in the 15 YR old’s room and wouldn’t let him out even when he obviously wanted to come out and I told them to let him out and I tried to free him but they had locked the door, so I resorted to an old tactic and skill I still retained from my past: lock picking. This is a talent I possess that the kids didn’t know that I have( among one of many) so when I had that door open in mere seconds they seemed quite surprised. (I also specialize in opening doors with credit cards but that’s another story) but I have quite alot of skills that they don’t know about(there’s alot of things about me they don’t know) and I also know things that they don’t know that I know. I see things, hear things, am aware of things, find out things,and know things that they have no idea  that I know; so many things I secretly keep to myself in my head, knowledge and experience that I keep hidden, that I don’t even write in my diary or post on here, that I am aware of and know is going on, such as who really did what (incl. who it is that always takes all my shit, such as my coconut oil, my toothbrush, my deoderant, my suntan oil, my toothpaste, etc..) who said what,who’s lying, who started it,things I found out but didn’t mention, things they think don’t  know, things they think they got away with, etc. but in actual fact I know alot more than they think I do or that I let on. I also have skills and knowledge of things they don’t know I have, and I know, even when they don’t think I do….

As well, I saw a guy in church who looked exactly like Mario! He was a short little Italian guy and his hair, his face,and even his nose looked just like Mario,and if you put a hat and overalls on him he would be an exact match, and I also saw a little girl hugging her mother and it reminded me of the 13 YR old the way she used to be loving and affectionate to me, before she pushed me away,and how much I miss it and it brought tears to my eyes, reminding me of what I lost, and there were 3 kids sitting in front of me,too,and I thought to myself, I’ll bet they behave better than my kids, and I bet they’re not so mean and disrespectful to their mother like my kids are to me!

The 15 YR old also drew bite on Buddy with a black marker, and my mother purposely hit him hard with the door when she swung it open,too, so hard it made a loud thud sound; she’s just a mean old witch, and the 15 YR old was being really mouthy and talking back to me as well and then I heard her brag to the 13 YR old about me, I’m so evil to her! I like annoying her! I love tormenting people! she’s becoming a real little BITCH lately, and I’m just so sick of all their shit and if only I had never met my hubby or had kids all this (and all the traumas, stress, worry, fear,and misery) could have been avoided and I could have had a peaceful life and I could have been happy!

US Prez Trump also bombed Syria a week ago and then he bombed Afghanistan this week and now he’s talking about possibly bombing North Korea next….so, what, is he going to bomb a different country every week, or what? He’s going to cause WWIII and the odds are that North Korea is going to fight back! He’s an unstable, aggressive, imperialist war-monger! I also like the Bible verse foretelling about Jesus and it describes me perfectly as well so I can relate to it: someone who’s unattractive, rejected, ridiculed, suffering, hated…

He has no form or comeliness;
And when we see Him,
There is no beauty that we should desire Him.
 He is despised and rejected by men,
A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him;
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.

Isaiah 53:3

SWF.

Screen Shot 04-10-17 at 02.37 PM SWF: soft warm fur. Sun-kissed. The girls and I just absolutely love Buddy’s warm fur from the sun and he loves basking in the sun just like I do; we’re sun buddies! Laying in the sun relaxes him too and puts him in a better mood as well and he’s less “snappy” and more agreeable to letting the kids “maul” him after a nice sunbath.(Just so you know, he’s never been snappy, growled at, or bitten me, because I’m nice to him and he loves me) If you look closely you might be able to see his painted nails,too, courtesy of the 15 YR old. I told her it was gay because he’s a boy (and he doesn’t like it) but she didn’t care. Poor dog. He must be so embarrassed to go out in public like that. He does have some dignity, you know.

I also was up to see the sunrise yesterday as I took Buddy for his morning walk and it was really pretty and we went to the 13 YR old’s weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic and this time I brought my iPod to listen to music on the HR drive there and back to help pass the time faster and my hubby sniffed, Good, now I won’t have to listen to you yapping! but I don’t have to listen to you,either, asshole, or your redneck crap on the radio which he did have on both ways, and on the way home we got gas at the Mohawk reserve as it’s cheaper not having to pay tax,and stopped off at Sephora as the 13 YR old had to exchange a birthday gift she got someone as it was the wrong colour and I tried on a purple lipstick there and her and my hubby gasped, what did you do to your lips?  and she also wouldn’t let me go anywhere near her in the store,either; I had to pretend I was alone and didn’t know her and when her and my hubby were walking in the mall they were always so many steps ahead of me too and I was trailing along behind..that’s just so symbolic of how my family treats me, how they make me feel, and my place in my family.

The 13 YR old continues to make progress and do well, but as we left the parking lot and tried to cross the street to the hospital she suddenly felt like she was going to barf and pass out and she sat down right there in the middle of the sidewalk so my hubby ran across the street and got her a wheelchair but her BP and heart rate were ok, so maybe she’s just coming down with something, some sort of virus, as someone’s usually sick over Easter, and they increased her anxiety meds(which also help her sleep better) and said she needs more structure and routine, such as for meal-times and bed, whereas we’ve always been more “free”, flexible, let the kids come and go and make their own schedules, more of a free-range parenting style without much structure, rules, or routine.

Both the nurse-practitioner and social worker really loved my new hair as well and they said it was edgy and alternative and gushed how much they loved it so I guess they really did, otherwise they didn’t have to say anything, and they probably all wonder too how my hubby and I ever got together, with me being funky and him such a nerd, with such dissimilar tastes and nothing in common,and I do,too, and when we got home I was really tired as the app’t’s and long drives are exhausting on me both mentally and physically so I had a nap and the 13 YR old goes, why are you napping? and I told her because I’m tired and she says you shouldn’t do weed!…..except I didn’t…..I was just tired.… I can be tired for other reasons,too, not just when I drift off after I’ve used weed!