Bob ‘Mon And Sunflowers.

 

 

I have been looking in the stores for awhile now for a 2019 Bob Marley wall calendar for the wall beside my computer, for my little nook in the play room but I haven’t been able to find it, not even at the malls in Kingston or Toronto, not even in the kiosk that sells calendars,  not even in record stores or card stores,not even both my hubby and I always checking in  to look every time we’re in the area, and so I was starting to get worried, Oh, shit….what if they’re not making them anymore? What if they don’t have them this year? either that, or they only have a few at each location and they sell out quickly; either way I’m having trouble finding it and not able to get one, so I decided to go on the website of the calendar distributor and see at least if it’s even available, and I was relieved and pleased to find out that it still is, as it rightfully should be since Bob Marley is a classic and his music is eternal.

So now I have the dilemma: do I wait and see if it ever comes in the stores and save on shipping costs( I’m really big on not having to pay shipping, esp. here in this country where shipping fees are generally at least the same, if not more, than what you pay for the actual item!) but risk the chance they never do and I miss out (like I often do in life and end up regretting) or order it now online and pay shipping but at least I know I’m guaranteed a calendar, and even with the postal delays with the strike I don’t need it until early January anyway so I still have time…..oh, what to do….

As it turned out, they had a special if you pay 36$ or more you get free shipping and the calendar was 18.99$ before taxes and so I figured Why not just buy another one; get 2 and that way I get free shipping? and at the cost of shipping I might as well get another calendar as it’s practically going to be the same price anyway, and this way I feel better I’m not paying for shipping, and this way I get a Bob Marley and also a sunflowers calendar for my bedroom wall,too! My hubby doesn’t see the logic in it though and fails to see how I “saved” any $$$$ when I ended up actually spending more but for me it makes perfect sense, solves my dilemma, I don’t have to pay shipping, and I end up with an extra calendar!

As well, my mother and I have started listening to Christmas music already. The 11 YR old originally first put it on sort of as a joke to annoy us but it turned out we liked it and it’s already November and Christmas is just next month so it’s really not that early, although I’m still not going to decorate or put up the tree until the end of the month, once Advent begins. Some people argue not to until after Remembrance Day on the 11th but just like not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone celebrates Remembrance Day,either, people like me, for example, that don’t glorify the military and war, and that pray for peace and for the innocent victims of war and for an end to war, not to show support and encouragement for those who wage war and kill other human beings!!!!

Buddy has been also trying to hump my leg constantly all day and it’s like he’s attracted to it like a cat is to catnip and I wonder why all of a sudden and then it occurred to me: maybe now it’s the wintery season and I wear long pants and leggings I stop shaving until spring so maybe now my legs are hairy he likes it and it turns him on or something? He’s also extra whiny, protective, guarding to me, and barking as if he’s trying to alert me, as if he can sense and is trying to tell us something’s wrong, and I increasingly think it’s with me, like maybe I’m dying, dying soon, maybe even just a matter of weeks or even days, and he can sense it and it makes him uneasy, and he gets like this before I have a seizure as well. I also do wonder if I have cervial cancer or something,too, esp. as I continue to get more and more fatigued, have no energy, have abdomenal, stomach,and back pain, bloating, nausea, bad fluid retention, and always feel so drained, run-down, deflated,and like something’s literally sucking the life out of me… in any case, if I do die soon, like before next year, at least my family can still use my calendars, and every time they look at them they can be reminded of me.

Rip-Off!!

Screenshot_882 The joint I ordered from the official gov’t cannabis site finally arrived! It took almost 2 weeks….and it ended up being this piddly tiny little thing, smaller than my little finger, and with taxes and shipping it costs a whopping 16 $ for just the one! I got ripped-off! I feel so cheated and it came in this big long tube(seen here) too and made me think I was getting this Big Fatty…..and then when you see the small dinky little thing inside….almost half of it filter…(kind of “fancy” though as I’ve never had a joint with a filter before but even so, it’s like getting a bag of chips and it’s half full of air). Disappointment didn’t even begin to describe how I felt. It was like when I was a kid and I sent away for those Sea Monkeys at the back of a comic book and eagerly awaited their arrival only to find they didn’t work and all I got was a bunch of cloudy water.

Never again. I’m still sticking with my regular supplier. I should have known anything from the gov’t would be over-priced, a rip-off, half-assed and take forever. They started off ripping off the Native people and now they rip-off everyone else, too, and now with legalized weed they have just simply found yet another way to cheat us, rip us off and over-charge us somehow. I’m so mad and now I hate this country even more than I already did before and should send them a nasty scathing complaint letter. Maybe I should even send a shit bomb to Parliament Hill?

The only good thing was that whatever rolling paper they used was slow-burning so at least I got to slowly enjoy it. Originally I was going to save it for an emergency, but I’m never too good at saving things; whenever I get something new, esp. a treat, whether it’s a donut, a new magazine, a joint, or whatever, I can rarely contain my excitement and enthusiasm and I end up eating/reading/using/doing it right away; I can’t wait and I can’t save it, and besides, it was a bad day and I needed to de-stress.There’s just something extra relaxing about laying back and taking long slow drags off a joint and blowing out the smoke and just enjoying the moment, like a little temporary escape from the chaos of life. I had such a bad day as well I really needed an escape. When I came inside the 24 YR old quipped, as the smell of weed wafted past, Is Snoop Dogg in the house?

When the guys were out they forgot the yogurt for the 15 YR old(again!) and ever since her eating disorder I still have to meticuously make sure she gets enough to eat and all the right nutrients at the right times and the right amounts and monitor her intake  to try and prevent a relapse, and they went out again and I told them to be back at 6 pm for dinner and of course they never bothered and didn’t return until hours later,disregarding me yet again, and they also got me the wrong wrap too so I never had lunch, and then the 17 YR old was really mouthy, insulting,name-calling disrespectful, nasty, defiant and talking back and being a bitch(I’m being abused by my kids, too!!) when I told her to do something and she refused and basically bragged I have no authrotity over her and I can’t make her do anything and of course my hubby agreed and backed her up and then he starts ripping into me that  never shut up and keep going on and on about everything all the time, and repeating myself even though no one ever listens or hears me and I have no voice or say and I’m never heard. Maybe if they actually took the time to listen  what I have to say(and do what they’re told!) the first time I wouldn’t have to.

I also had the thought cross my mind, being just so fed up with my family, my life, being so unhappy for so long and not seeing any hope or improvement or any end to it, Why wait until Buddy dies (he is my best friend, my joy, and my lifeline and without him I have nothing left to live for, to keep me going) to kill myself? Why not just do it now? What am I waiting for? but then I figured, Then I lose and they win. That’s what they want.

10 Years.

Screenshot_881 As I was logging out of my blog yesterday I saw where I’d first started, the date, and I was surprised to see it was July 2008….that means I’ve been doing this blog for 10 years already, so I started when I was 41! Wow, I can’t believe that it’s actually been that long! I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 years it felt like, but 10 years? It’s so hard to believe! That means that I started when the youngest was just a year old! That seems so long ago and yet the time has just gone by so fast. I can still remember the night I first decided to try my hand at blogging,too: it was storming out that one summer day and I was stuck indoors bored and had nothing to do and so I thought to myself, Why not start a blog? other people seem to enjoy the hobby…. 

…and then it just went from there and I continue it as a way of therapy, as a way to vent, also as a way to keep records, for the kids years later to be able to look back and see what it was like and what they did when they were younger, and also as a way for the ones that have left home to check in if they so desire and to keep up with family news and events and also a platform for me to express my thoughts and opinions. Hard to believe as well that for the most part I’ve actually had enough things happen that I can find enough new stuff to write about every day!

As well, it also freaks me out to realize that my hubby and I have also been together for 30 years now, which is more than half my life and it’s ruined my life and made me miserable and made my entire adult life unhappy, a regret, and something I wish I could go back and re-do all over again. Truthfully, if I knew then what I know now about how he and the kids would end up treating me, how my mother would over-step boundaries with my kids, about the genetic stuff, all the traumas, stress and unbearable pain and burdens I’ve had to bear I would have just stayed single and not married or had kids, and I certainly wouldn’t have settled and married him. I would have ran as fast as I could in the other direction the moment I first met him.It was him or nothing but I now realize that it’s better to stay single than to end up with the wrong person. Now he’s 55 as well he qualifies for senior’s discounts at certain places,too, and he’s always making fun of me for ageing and  calling me “old” even though I’m  4 years younger than him, and I don’t qualify as a “senior” yet, so who’s the old one now?

I also missed most of my TV shows this week as they had “Satan’s Day” (Halloween) episodes and I’m so glad the occult day is finally over with for another year so I won’t have to always see and hear about it everywhere I go all the time, in my face, and I’d thought I might die on the 29th too but it came and went and I have to stop speculating when I think I’m going to die as the day comes and goes and nothing and I always end up disappointed and maybe it’s like with finding love: they say you find it when you give up and stop looking and least expect it, so maybe it’ll be the same for me for dying too: it’ll finally happen once I stop guessing when it will?

The weed I’d ordered off the new gov’t site is finally been shipped out as well; I got an e-mail saying the order’s been processed and sent out for delivery, and I wonder what the stressor, or trigger, was in the summer that caused me to all of a sudden have hallucinations(I’ve had bipolar for years so why would it suddenly be due to that?), that caused even more stress and anxiety than normal like the doctor suggested; I mean, I always have it; I’m in a constant state of stress and anxiety, but the only thing different, or extra, added  to it that I can think of is moving;  the  new and added worry and anxiety thinking I’m being forced to move against my will, when I really don’t want to but now, at least, it’s not a concern for at least a few months,anyway, until spring at the earliest, so some of the worry has been alleviated at least for the time being, and the halucinations have stopped for now…it just makes me wonder…

What else could it be, unless it’s just a high amount of accumulated stress over long-term that’s finally caught up with me? When I called the pharmacy to re-new one of my meds the other day I’d forgotten another one also had to be re-newed so I had to call them back today and re-new that one too and my mother said I should have checked them all ahead of time and called them both in together at the same time and scolded me to get my act together….yeah, ok, I’ll try to remember that; next time I’ll tell my white matter to just stop declining!!!!!

Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?

Where’s My Weed?

Screenshot_800 It’s been a week now since I ordered my pre-rolled joints from the gov’t weed supplier off their official website now that weed has been legalized for everyone but it still hasn’t even been sent out for delivery yet even though it was supposed to be shipped in just 2-3 days and they said I’m to get an e-mail informing me of when it gets sent out and I still haven’t got it yet, and I saw on the news as well there’s this huge back-log of orders and shipments are delayed due to the unprecedented high volume of orders and lack of supply; they’re actually running out and demand has exceeded supply,and,in fact, they said all the orders from Ontario alone are more than in the rest of the country in total!

To make matters even worse is the fact that Canada Post is on rotating strikes now as well, always doing it at the worst possible time in order to inconvenience the most people; usually they do it at Christmas time when there’s the highest volume of cards and parcels being sent thru the mail. I normally get my medical marijuana from the licensed medical supplier but I decided to try this as an experiment, and as a comparison in both price and customer service and I have to say that even though I was impressed that the website didn’t crash, wasn’t slow and the items weren’t sold out, (and shipping only costs 5$) when I ordered like I half-expected I am pissed-off it’s taking so long to be shipped and when I order from my regular supplier it arrives in just 1 or 2 days after I order it, and the mail is just one option, you can also get it by courier, although it costs more ( 18 $ to ship as opposed to 4 $ by post, so I order by mail) but at least if the mail’s on strike you do still have another way of getting it, unlike the new gov’t site that only ships by mail so if they’re on strike you’re screwed.

Legalizing weed is the only good thing the gov’t has ever done for me and now they display their usual typical gov’t ineptitude, half-assed service, and substandard ways, and their cannabis oil is way over-priced as well: over 100$ for just a 15 ml bottle and the one I usually get is between 90-100$ for 40 ml, so needless to say I won’t be shopping there again and will continue on with my usual supplier.Oh, well.

As well, my mother said she only has 2 teeth left, one at the top and one at the bottom, like a hamster; the rest have all rotted and fallen out, but she’s on pension and doesn’t have any dental coverage and can’t afford to pay so there’s nothing she can do, and she can’t afford dentures either so pretty soon she won’t have any teeth at all because dental coverage(and drug prescriptions) aren’t covered in our health care; you have to have extra coverage benefits from your employer(like my hubby does but it only covers him, me and the kids under 18, but not her) but alot of people don’t so they’re just S.O. L. I also realized too I have never had sex in my own hometown of Toronto, just in Ottawa, Quebec( in fact, the 24 YR old was actually conceived in Montreal, and the third child was even conceived in the back of a van at the beach!), Hawaii, and here!

Seventeen.

Screenshot_797 I saw this recent issue of Seventeen magazine laying around the house, it obviously belongs to the 17 YR old and I picked it up and looked thru it as it brought back nostalgic memories for me as I used to read the exact same magazine when I was a teen,too! I can still remember my friend A and I in grade 10 reading them during lunch break, and we were even under-age,too; we weren’t even 17 yet! I used to like reading about the fashion and make-up and I was curious to see if much has changed since I used to read it back in the 1980’s. I was also glad to see that it’s still around. I wonder if they still even have the Tiger Beat fangirl magazines that I used to read when I was 12 and 13? I remember taking the posters of the hunks out and plastering them all over my bedroom wall.

I was surpsied how much smaller it is now compared to then; I remember it being twice as thick, although it was mostly all ads so I can’t say that I miss that, and I was surprised to see the cover as it looked like something right out of the 80’s with the model with her hair and clothes, it looks like an issue I could have read in 1983, with her hair styled the way it is, racoon-eyes  and thick eyebrows, and with the style of jeans, the checkered shirt and the pastel sweater and scarf, the same style we wore back then. It was like when I picked up the magazine I was transported back to my teen years again. It was pretty much the same as what I remembered, and it brought me back to that time and I can still remember when A and I would see a pair of shoes, for example,like the cool running shoes, and swoon over them wishing we could buy them here, or the funky clothes, but we never could as they weren’t ever available in this country, not even in Toronto, as we’re always lagging behind and I could only finally get them when I went to L.A. such as the funky multi shades of blue denim overalls with all the pockets and zippers, and,of course, the shoes!

I have to say it was nice seeing it again as it brought back happy memories of a good time. I can’t believe it’s been 35 years or so since then, time goes by so fast and I still feel the same as I did then; I haven’t changed much at all; I’m still the same person who likes the same things I did then(except for the weed thing) and I’m still the same young person on the inside that I always was,  and still with the same wicked sense of humour,you just can’t tell from the outside,and even though the outside is all broken and falling apart and my youth is gone now, my inside is still young and I still feel like a teenager in my mind even though my body tells me different.

As well, the second-oldest has only been living in Vancouver for 2 months now and someone already stole her bike and yet she lived in Windsor all during university, 3 YRS working in Japan and a few YRS living in Toronto and it never got stolen….I guess it’s true then what the stats say, about Vancouver having the highest crime rate in the country, which I have to say surprised me as I would have thought it was Toronto or Montreal. The 19 YR old(who’s studying journalism) also is now managing editor of her campus newspaper, and the 11 YR old is preparing for his Confirmation next spring.

The Bud.

Screenshot_757 If you look carefully you can see my sole surviving sunflower has a tiny little flower bud starting to form in the middle! I can’t believe it!! Finally! After all this time! I still continue to water it daily and put it in the sun, although soon it’ll be too cold to put it outside anymore (yesterday we had an odd nice warm day, it was 15 C, and I was outside all day, most likely the last time now until spring, probably) and I’ll just have to place it in a sunbeam indoors, and even though it’s been months, since May, with no progress, I still refused to give up on it and kept waiting and tending to it…..and now look! Love, care, dedication, perseverance, and determination along with time has paid off. I hadn’t expected it and had resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to get a flower and was just continuing on caring for it until it eventually died and it surprised me!

Just when I least expected it!

At first I noticed there were little tiny hairs on the stem that weren’t there before but that sunflowers normally have so then I wondered if there might be any progress on a flower so I checked and lo and behold there it was! My mother told me to give up on it,that it was a lost cause and I’ll never get my sunflower, that I was just wasting my time….but maybe the lesson to be learned here is never give up. Keep trying. Sometimes things just take longer. Maybe it’s just a late bloomer, like I was, and it just takes it longer to mature than most; it goes on it’s own schedule and maybe I’ll end up having my sunflower for Christmas?…..or with my luck it’ll probably die before it ever even reaches the stage of full maturity and opens up, also just like me, dying before I ever get to bloom, or maybe, it’ll die the same day I do? We’re on this same journey together, struggling along, straggling, beaten down, fighting to survive, against the odds, almost making it but never quite getting there and then dying just before we have a chance to blossom….

or…. maybe, just maybe, for once something will actually go right and work out for me, and I’m not such a failure,afterall, and I will end up with a sunflower in the end eventually? As well, I also have stomach pain all day and feel nauseated and I’m just so tired of always feeling so crappy all the time yet no one ever seems to be able to find what’s wrong, and I feel better now too after talking to the oldest, who told me he and the 20 YR old are fine and the other kids are just messing with me again trying to upset me and get me worried. What kind of person does something like that though? It’s just not normal to go around intentionally hurting, breaking, freaking out and worrying people like that,and then enjoying watching their distress and panic. A nice, normal person would be supportive,caring, and undertsanding with someone’s anxiety and other issues  and would try to reassure them and not make up disturbing untruths to purposely trigger them and set them off.

I’m also not sure if it’s ironic, hypocritical, or a case of If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em: the gov’t used to arrest people for pot and yet here they are now legalizing it so that they can have a monopoly on the trade and hope to be the main dealer. They just want to get in on the profits and make a killing off of all the taxes it will rake in. Like everything else it does, it’s just a tax grab, a way to make $$$$ or to control, regulate and monopolize. It will be nice though to be able to smoke up freely, without having to hide in the shed.  I checked out the new gov’t weed website too and ordered some pre-rolled joints as I always have a hard time rolling them I’m so unco-ordinated. I was surprised it wasn’t slow, didn’t crash and wasn’t all sold out! It’s also my BFF’s birthday today too. We’ve been BFF’s ever since we were 12 and she’s known me longer than anyone and still stuck around and never got tired of me like everyone else eventually did. Happy Birthday!

Free The Ganja!

Rastaman In less than a month cannabis will be legalized here in Canada for recreational use, not just for medical use( like I have) as it is now. On 17 October, actually, is the day, although the gov’t announced for the first 6 months it can only legally be purchased from special gov’t shops online, no actual dispensaries that you walk-in. They currently do have such places now that run illegally and are always getting busted and shut down by the police and are then always quick to re-open again. As for me and others that have legal medical prescriptions from doctors we currently get ours online from sanctioned gov’t approved and controlled suppliers. My concern is that it’s so limited. I mean, how are people that don’t have credit cards, for example, supposed to attain it? Maybe it’s so it’s harder for kids to purchase it, although I’m sure they’ll still have the street corner dealers that don’t charge tax, for example, and I had my first credit card ( American Express) when I was 16….. and, of course, they can always steal their parent’s credit cards and use their number, or just have an older, legal-age friend order it for them, just like for generations under-agers have had older people sneak booze for them. There’s always a way.

Another issue is that even when it does become legal for people over 18 to sell, purchase and use weed, the gov’t has still put strict limitations on the types of advertising they can and cannot do. It has to be very plain and unappealing and not indicate at all what the product is or what it does and no fancy attractive labelling, packaging or advertising either and, unlike alcohol(which is also federally regulated and controlled and only sold in special gov’t run stores although now some grocery stores are starting to sell it) they won’t be able to run ads on TV, for example. Alcohol is way more harmful than weed yet the rules are more stricter for weed than they are for alcohol and I hate it that the Fascist Big Brother Police State always has to meddle and control and over-regulate everything. In the spring dispensaries will be able to open to the public, but they’ll need a special license and will be strictly monitored by the gov’t. and it will also be strictly restricted where it can be smoked and some rentals are forbidding it altogether in rental units, even though it will be legal!  I’m glad it will finally be legal, but is this really freedom?

Another beef of mine is with the MeToo movement and others like it. I think it’s going way too far. I support it in the theory woman who have been abused ( and I am one of them, I was molested by a relative from age 4-12) should be able to come forward and be supported(when I told my mother her response was a curt, Why didn’t you stop him?……really? I WAS 4 YEARS OLD!!!! what did you expect me to DO?) and have justice and for it to stop, but what I don’t agree with is how now so many guys are being accused of sexual assault and either everyone’s a pervert, they’re all coming out of the woodwork now and it’s all just being exposed now, or some of it is just lies made up to ruin a person’s reputation, destroy their career and life; how it’s so easy now for a woman to bring down and ruin a man with a mere accusation of sexual assault, and woman are so overly-sensitive to it nowadays a man can’t even flirt or compliment a woman anymore without fear of being accused of sexual harrassment. Like ALL  Political Correctness it has just gone too far. Now they even dig far into a guy’s past to bring up dirt on him now trying to discredit him , even though he might have changed since then and not even be the same person,assuming the accusation is even true, and it’s so ridiculous that pretty soon they’ll even be saying something like, He kissed a classmate in Kindergarten in the schoolyard! That’s sexual assault!

As well, I got a letter in the mail saying I’m due for a Pap Smear again( to check for cervical cancer). I can’t believe it’s been 3 years already!At least between that and the pelvic ultrasound if I do have either uterine, ovarian, or cervical cancer(which would explain my symptoms…..) it should show up…. Time flies by so fast when you’re an adult,too,and the older you get the faster time goes by; a year just whizzes right by and feels like a month but I remember when I was a kid how slowly time seemed to move and a week seemed to take forever and the summer seemed to last forever (and it was wonderful) but I think it’s just that your perception has changed; as a kid you’re not preoccupied with time, schedule, deadlines, commitments, worries, stress, etc. like you are as an adult, and so you’re not as busy and your mind isn’t as addled with the worries and stresses of life so you can just peacefully and quietly sail thru life at a more leisurely pace.

The 15 and 17 YR olds are also even more mouthy, talking-back, nasty, and disrespectful than they usually are to me and so I figure it’s either:

1.They’re on Aunt Flow and extra bitchy.

2.They’re bored and have nothing to do so they decided to f*ck with me.

3.They’re just pissed-off about something and it’s displaced anger; they just decided to take it out on me.

4. I did or said something they don’t like and they’re teenagers so that’s pretty much all the time.

My guess? Maybe they’re mad they got banned from the Dollar Store  being accused of shoplifting, or maybe someone finally called them out for their constantly causing drama, starting rumours, gossiping, talking behind people’s backs,talking “smack” about people, etc. and generally causing trouble with their big mouths, like teenage girls always do, yet at the same time it’s an unacceptable behaviour and people get hurt, and it causes anger, division, conflict, misunderstanding, and unnecessary strife and it needs to be confronted, addressed, discussed, and stopped. I think whatever the reason, they just took it out on me(they even hid my iPod and made me think it was lost).

Teenagers. Now I can see why some animals eat their young. I wonder if I can put them up on e-Bay?

I seem to be the “punching bag”  in this family when people get mad I’m the one that always gets the brunt of their anger, sort of like when a guy has a bad day at the office he comes home and yells at his wife and kids and kicks the dog. I’m the dog that always gets kicked. I also had another bad panic attack last night again too that Buddy has cancer and he’s dying. I was hysterical and sobbing and inconsolable. I wonder though as well if at least part of the emotional breakdown has to do with my bipolar perhaps or maybe even the hormonal changes of menopause, or, perhaps the manic phase of my bipolar is now coming to an end and the depressive phase is coming crashing in on me?

 

Mind-F*ck.

Screenshot_1109 My hubby always likes to mind-f*ck me, play mind-games with me, play on my fears, worries, anxieties, and psychologically abuse me. He derives some sort of sick, twisted pleasure out of it, out of making me doubt my own mind, out of confusing me, making me squirm, making me worry, question and doubt my sanity, making me trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not, playing on my fears, anxieties and worries, trying to scare me, trying to figure out if something true or just another one of his twisted ideas of a “joke”, whether he’s lying and just setting me up or not or if it’s true, f*cking with my mind, etc. you get the idea. I think it’s just sick, cruel, and twisted, but for some reason he gets great enjoyment from it and thinks it’s “funny” and delights in watching me struggle and fall for it time and time again, trying to figure it out.

This particular time I was saying how even though some of the kids are mentally messed-up(which appears to be genetic) at least none of them ended up in gangs, in rehab, arrested, in trouble with the police, teen moms, etc. so in that way they turned out ok, and then he started planting seeds of doubt in my mind by saying I obviously don’t know what my kids are up to and that the 20 YR old and the oldest who live in Edmonton are now in a gang and when I asked him if he was joking or not( because with him you can never tell, and he also lies all the time too so you never know if he’s serious ,telling the truth, lying, joking, or mind-f*cking with me…. and then he wonders why I don’t trust him or ever believe him ) he wouldn’t say but kept going on and on about how they’re now in this gang and it got me really worried and scared and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I went to bed worried about it, it playing in my head and on my mind all night, and I prayed a silent desperate mother- heart prayer to God to keep them safe whatever they’re into.

Later I asked one of the kids if they knew anything about them being in any gang and they replied they’re in a “gang” ( more of  a guild, actually) in some online computer game they play. Thank God! I was just so worried! So technically I guess you could say it’s a “gang”, but he knew  what I meant, the context of the conversation, and how he implied it and made it come across and that’s exactly how he wanted me to interpret it , with the sole purpose of upsetting and panicking me. He always does this kind of thing to me, playing mind-games with me, f*cking around with my mind. He’s just a sick, twisted, cruel, demented F*CK and he’s ruined my life. Seriously, what’s wrong with him?

As well, it’s been so hot here and so little rain (only less than 10 mm so far all month and the average should be around 60-70 mm) everyone’s grass is all brown, dry,and hard, and the mass shooting on Danforth in Toronto was very close to my old house and on the street my friend A (from grades 10 and 11) lived,and just 20 minutes away from where my cousins were at the time, visiting from Europe! Holy shit!! They also went on a ferry boat touring the harbour and islands, and saw a live theatre production.They saw the play Wicked. Not my personal preference given the occult nature( witchcraft) but I’d like to go see Phantom of the Opera, Hamilton, and Come From Away but I can’t afford it; tickets are like 200$+ each!When we lived there( and had $$$$) my mother and I used to go and see live theatre all the time.

I also saw the Mamma Mia! sequel film and both my mother and I are so slow she thought 2 different characters that looked alike were the same person and I knew they were separate people but didn’t know it was mother and daughter, that it was showing their parallel lives in different time periods; it was confusing, and then my hubby was making fun of me for it,and for being so dumb, and bragging he could tell  in watching for less than 10 minutes. He always looks for every opportunity to put me down and make me feel badly about myself.Yeah, well, he can kiss my ass; at least  can rhyme, know most capital cities,and I can speak more than one language,too, unlike him, so go f*ck yourself, you arrogant, condescending bastard! I swear to God, meeting him was my biggest regret in life.