NYE. Good Riddance!!

Screen Shot 12-30-17 at 06.43 PM I can’t believe it already, the end of another year. I say good riddance to 2017 though, it was a bad year though between the 14 YR old’s crisis and my medical issues, our enemy’s return, along with the usual shit and stress in my life so I’ll be glad to see it go. 2016 was a bad year as well with the 19 YR old’s crisis. I can’t wait for this year to end quickly enough! I sure hope 2018 will be better but given our luck and past experiences I doubt that it will be. I expect the same old shit, just a different year. We never seem to catch a break or get time off from constant trauma, crisis, and stress. Pretty well every year is a bad year for us. I was hoping I’d die this year, now I’m 50, and I really thought I would, but on the 4th I turn 51 so it had better hurry up and happen fast then as I only have a few days left now and am quickly running out of time. It’s depressing to me to think that I could possibly still be here next year and live thru another year….maybe even longer….holy shit, maybe even decades longer still….oh, my God… that thought really bums me out. I’m ready to go. I have been for a long time now.

I used to get dressed up and go to New Year’s Eve parties when I was much younger, in my 20’s and 30’s but not any more; I haven’t in so long, now I can’t even stay awake that late and nowadays by the time Midnight rolls around I’ve already been fast asleep for several hours! Plus I don’t have anyone to go with and nothing to celebrate anyway and I don’t drink so there’s really no point. Aunt Flow also showed up, 5 days early and the cramps and bleeding are off the chart….I really hate this and I’m too old for this shit now and don’t need it anymore….I really hope my doc will finally refer me to a gyno as I know something’s wrong down there and I just want to get this thing out and finally be done with it for good. Before it used to be a necessary evil but I don’t need it anymore. Enough is enough.

It’s still friggin’ cold out there and continues to break records and NYE celebrations all over the country are being shortened or cancelled due to the frigid temps although it makes me skeptical since we always have cold winters and people here know how to dress for it….I wonder if instead if the real reason might have been some sort of credible terrorist threat and they cancelled it just to be safe, so there wouldn’t be a huge crowd open to attack….it just makes me wonder…. the 14 YR old also complained she hates Canada too because it’s so cold and my hubby asked her if she’d rather live in USA instead with Trump and all the mass shootings but why does it always have to be one or the other with him all the time? There are other choices,too, you know; there’s something like 206 countries in the world…


Toxic Stress.

Screen Shot 12-29-17 at 06.23 PM I read on a blog recently there is something called toxic stress that burns people out and breaks them over time and it sounds exactly like what I have; stress so bad due to continual ongoing trauma over the years that affects you to such a degree that you’re basically always on survival mode, adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) is always running high, you’re always on alert and wary, in a fight-or-flight mode, always on guard, never at ease or able to fully relax or let your guard down, always highly anxious and stressed. That’s me. Needless to say being in this state constantly takes a toll on you both mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just like my mother had emblazoned on one of her coffee mugs: stress is my life.

This is what my family and my life has done to me.

As well, we’re still in the record cold, it’s like living in the frozen Arctic tundra, and even colder here than in Siberia, Alaska, even the North Pole. It’s just too cold for human life and the 14 YR old complains she hates Canada too as it’s just too cold. Yeah, I know. I get it. We’re just in the wrong country. I would really love to hibernate on a tropical beach in the Caribbean. We’re getting colds now too with the frigid weather and have our thermostat and heaters cranked up to the highest settings and it’s still cold! The heated blanket has become my new best friend.

The 14 YR old also likes to make fun of my green trackpants that has the word candy written across the ass, even though I never even noticed it was there when I first bought it; it just  on sale so I snatched it up; she says she has to get laser eye surgery now because seeing that burned her eyes out….ha,ha….very funny. I’ve been really itchy lately as well which could indicate liver and/or kidney failure as the toxins build up in my body and cause rashes,red spots, allergic reactions, and itchiness, and even my eyeballs have been itchy and burning stinging sore too but not red and sore like with Pink-eye, but it may be jaundice from my liver as they do look a bit yellow along with my skin so it could be that with my liver. Perhaps that’s how I’ll die; multiple organ failure with my heart, liver,and kidneys? I really am an old, broken down, falling apart jalopy. It’s also itchy on the back of my head every day as well on the spot where I hit it when I fainted and fell, making me wonder if it’s a sign of healing….or something else perhaps…

My Asperger’s.

Screen Shot 07-13-17 at 10.44 AM As soon as my hubby got home the other day the first thing he did was come down on me and tear me down for keep doing the same stupid things over and never learn! This time because before he left he told me to tell the 22 YR old to shock the pool so I did and then he rips into me because it rained,  how it’s just a waste of money, etc. as you’re supposed to shock it after it rains,and not if it’s raining , even though he did it before it rained and it wasn’t raining when he did it, and he blames me like I’m responsible for the weather, and his usual condescending tirade about how dumb I am, making me feel like a worthless piece of shit….the usual

You keep doing the same stupid things over and never learn!

Those are the words he said to me, and my reply: If he can find a cure for Asperger’s then to let me know, and a cure for being an asshole too because he’s going to need that one! It’s not fair or right that he constantly belittles and criticizes me for something I can’t help and have no control over, a disability, I was born this way; I’m not doing it on purpose to annoy you! I bet he was that asshole kid in school that made fun of the Special Ed kids,too, or laughs at handicapped kids, and the way he treats me for my Asperger’s is no different than yelling at a deaf guy because he can’t hear you, or yelling at a blind guy for bumping into you. Just total lack of understanding. You can’t blame someone for their disability or get mad at them for it, holy shit…it’s hard enough having a disability without all that extra added shit…

As well, while walking Buddy I saw an empty syringe on the grass under a shrub so some junkie must have shot up and tossed it away….but….OMG….that’s just so….gross…so….unhygenic! I  also heard the number one genre of music on the radio in this country is redneck country music ( eeeewww!) proving my theory though that this really is  a nation of uncultured rednecks,  and I also heard on the news that some Native reservation are refusing to evacuate the BC fires and the authorities ordered them that if they don’t that all their children will be removed from the community. Sounds like the horrific gov’t Residential Schools all over again! Talk about Fascist Big Brother tactics! They’re always f*cking over the Natives, too. When are they ever going to leave them alone?

I had this cool idea as well: wouldn’t it be great if the 14 YR old and I could both move to Toronto together, just the two of us ( and Buddy of course) since both of us love the city and want to live there, and she seems to thrive and come alive there (and I know I certainly do!) and neither of us are happy here, and this way I also get to get away from this toxic environment that’s destroyed my soul, as well as away from my hubby, who’s destroyed my life, but I also know that realistically we can’t afford 2 residences, and the average monthly rent in Toronto now is 2000$ . It would be nice though, for both of us. maybe both our broken souls could heal together?


Canada 150.

Screen Shot 06-30-17 at 08.26 AM Today is Canada Day, as every 1 July, and it’s a national holiday with big celebrations everywhere only this year even more so as it’s 150 YRS since Confederation, that is, since it actually became an official united country. That’s pretty young for a country,though, esp. when you consider other places such as Greece, Rome, or Egypt. It’s so sad how this country is seriously lacking in culture and history, it’s embarrassing actually.

So there’s this big anticipation and media campaign leading up to it and everyone’s like int his fervour or frenzy or whatever you want to call it, of nationalism and patriotism which I think is never a good thing as it always creates an Us VS Them mentality and is the kind of dogma and thinking that can start wars.It kinds makes me think of North Korea and it’s “Dear Leader” idealology. Personally I’ve never gone for flag-waving and to keep hearing incessantly about it is rubbing me the wrong way,and I’m not alone: while everyone keeps jubilating saying how “wonderful” this country is, and how “lucky” we are to live here,and what a “great” country this is and the “greatest country in the world”, etc.. crap I think that the Native People would beg to differ.(as well as immigrants being treated with anti-immigrant racist sentiment, and Muslims and others being attacked for their faith,colour,or race, etc.)

For the Indigenous People, it’s nothing more than a hurtful reminder of 150 YRS of occupation, oppression, assimilation, marginalization, genocide,  and destruction of their culture, autonomy, and way of life. Before Confederation there were many various different Native tribes and they were self-governing, and enjoyed a rich culture, lived their lives according to their own laws and traditions, and lived in harmony with nature. The past 150 YRS has been nothing but injustice and suffering for the Native people and this nation has done nothing but harm, suppress, and keep down the Natives. There are Native protesters at Parliament Hill today protesting(they keep erecting teepees and the police keep tearing them down and arresting them)and to continue to call attention to their plight and ongoing treatment and poor living conditions, and sub-standard, Third-World education, health care and quality of life.

I don’t celebrate oppression or injustice,either. Canada Sucks! Any country that treats it’s First citizens( or any citizens)like that doesn’t deserve to be celebrated. It’s a human rights violation at it’s worst. While all the mindless indoctrinated “sheeple” will be feeding at the trough, unquestioning and blind, I will be standing alone out in the pasture, at a distance, in silent protest, in solidarity with the Natives, staying far away. I’m never on the side of the majority, ha,ha.



Screen Shot 04-03-17 at 08.29 AM When I took Buddy out for his early morning walk yesterday morning I noticed that twice someone had graffittied duhar on our driveway in chalk and I thought that maybe it was some gang and that it was some sort of gang symbol , targeting our house as they intended to return and rob us….but as it turned out it was one of my own kids and not a gang afterall; they had “delayed” April Fool’s Day a few days later as on Saturday no one was home to celebrate it and prank anyone as the 17 YR old was away at a Cadets activity, the 13 YR old was at a youth group event, the 15 YR old had her cheerleading competition and the 22 YR old was at his jiu-jitsu.

I thought it was doo-har but it was actually d’har as in what d’har? so of course they all got a big laugh over it, and as well they had hung 8 or so potatoes suspended from the hall ceiling on the second floor but by the time I saw it there were only 2 left hanging, and someone also put a wart pad on the handle of the toilet, and the 13 YR old replaced the 15 YR old’s framed photo studio portrait on the wall with a framed colour diagram of the human body, complete with internal  organs as she has this “thing” about human anatomy; it really grosses her out,and she always shrieks, too much H.B! (human body) I’m sure they must have done other things,too, but that’s all that I found out about…

I finally got my nails filled in and touched up as well; I just went to a salon here and they use the same stuff and the guy doing it was really meticulous with the filing and polishing,too, and the fill-in was only 27$, incl. tax, and when I’d mentioned how my hubby didn’t want to have to wait for me to get my nails done he goes, but isn’t that what marriage is all about? and it made me think, he’s right! and that realization really hit me hard. My hubby also got something on sale and he ended up paying more in tax than he did for the actual item, as they had the nerve to charge the tax based on the cost of the original listed price and not on the reduced actual sale price that he paid! They really do cheat us and rip us off, more than we realize!

The house next door is now also for sale now again as well as the one across the street, and my friend P (from grade 6) and her boyfriend just got back from a cruise to the Mexican Riviera and yesterday they left for another trip to the Caribbean, also still celebrating her 50th birthday! so lucky! He’s a keeper! She should hold on to that one and marry that guy! The 10 YR old always tells Buddy he’s “bad” too even when he doesn’t even do anything(and I tell him not to or else when he really is bad he won’t know the difference and it won’t mean anything) and my mother tersely replied, he’s breathing,that’s enough! She’s just so mean and I’m tempted to draw a swastika on her backpack because she’s so full of hate. She’s just a mean, nasty, spiteful, mean-spirited,vindictive,bitter,hateful old woman!



screen-shot-01-31-17-at-04-28-pm I had my biopsy done at the doctor’s office. I was an hour late getting in, plus my hubby dropped me off half an HR before my app’t because that’s when he had the time to drive me so I was sitting there for 90 minutes! The biopsy itself only took 10 minutes and I got dressed in a hospital gown, laid on my stomach and was draped with a sterile sheet with only the spot on my shoulder exposed and he injected a local freezing which only hurt a bit, but less than a tattoo, so I didn’t even wince, and then I just felt pressure but no pain, nothing, and he cut a chunk out of my flesh and put one solitary stitch in and put a band-aid on, and that was it. Now I wait 2-3 weeks for the results. Now the freezing’s worn off it just stings a little bit.

My ultrasound results came back normal as well, which is surprising, so nothing to explain my heavy periods or crippling cramps and he just said…..get this… that I’m a woman and it’s just something I have to live with. I couldn’t believe it!  Did you really just f*cking say that to me?  Only a man would say something like that! He also said it would take a YEAR for a referral to a gynecologist and when I asked, “Why, because it’s just a woman’s issue and it’s not taken seriously?” he goes, “No, because you live in Ontario.” F*ck. I was hoping for a hysterectomy like my aunt and cousin had for their heavy, painful periods. I’m too old for this shit. I don’t need it anymore. My hubby also said with all my medical issues I “have the health of a 60-70 YR old” and I “take more medications than my mother” who’s 75.  At least I did get a prescription for a muscle relaxant though, the only thing he would prescribe me for the cramps.


screen-shot-01-31-17-at-04-44-pm-001 Here is also a photo of my friend in Brazil’s baby, who is now 9 months old. Just because she’s so adorably cute! She has got to be the cutest baby that I’ve ever seen and whenever I see photos of her it just makes me smile, and I had the new Blackforest Cake milkshake at Harvey’s and it was oh-so -good,probably even worth the cramps and diarrhrea I know I’m going to suffer later from the cream, and the shooter in the Quebec mosque shooting where 6 people were killed and 19 injured( 2 critically) surprisingly isn’t being charged with terrorism,either, likely because he’s not a Muslim; the victims  are Muslims but the shooter is a home-grown, white, non-Muslim, French Canadian, so they’re just calling it a shooting instead of a terrorist attack and he’s just being charged with murder and not also terrorism charges. It was also clearly a hate crime but he hasn’t been charged with that,either, and he said he was “inspired” by Donald Trump’s policies. It will also be interesting to see how the media will try and “spin” this attack and try and blame it on the Muslims…

There are no words. I’m just so sick of all the hate. An American friend of mine on Facebook told me I’m “ignorant” too for “not seeing that Muslims are enemies that want to destroy us and that we should ban them and protect our borders” and I told him that refusing to hate isn’t being ignorant but rather it’s the other way around,and I refuse to hate. If you get so paranoid that you build walls, become divisive, fearful, and develop and Us VS Them mentality then the terrorists win. Trump banning people from mostly Muslim countries also reminds me of how it started with treatment of Jews in Nazi Germany. No one should be singled out, targeted, or “blacklisted” because of their faith.


The Ultrasound.

screen-shot-01-24-17-at-08-27-am I had my pelvic ultrasound done at the hospital to hopefully find out the cause of my abdomenal pain, cramps, and heavy and painful periods. They focused on my uterus and ovaries and I had to drink 1 L of fluid an HR before and not go pee( the hardest part, esp. since I always have to go pee) as they wanted a full bladder as they get a better image that way. They gave me the option of the usual abdomenal scan or a trans-vaginal scan where they shove the wand up your you-know-what. Guess which one I chose? The trans one’s just,well…..creepy; that’s just nasty, so I went with the abdomenal scan and only if they find something concerning and only then if they want to get a closer, more detailed look then I’ll allow the more invasive test.They also asked how many pregnancies I’ve had, incl. ones that didn’t result in live births, so I told her, 11 kids and 6 miscarriages. I made sure to make clear that they were miscarriages, that I’d lost them,as I didn’t want them to wrongly think that I’d had abortions, as I’m notbaby killer!

Of course the technician never actually tells you the results; you have to wait until you see your doctor, and they won’t even hint or give away any clues, but I did get a glimpse at the screen of when she was scanning one of my ovaries and I could see a lump on it(which on the image looked like 2 round balls; the ovary itself and something growing on it) that she was taking measurements of, so if I’m correct it could be a tumour, indicating ovarian cancer, although I did have a cyst on my ovary YRS ago,too, so it could just be that, but ovarian cysts do often later develop into cancer, but I’ll find out next week when I go see my doc for my biopsy for the lesion on my shoulder.

As well, my cannabis oil I’d ordered arrived only it was supposed to be delivered right to my door, and that’s the shipping that I’d paid for but shitty Canada Post didn’t do their job as usual and I received an e-mail saying they’d tried to deliver it but no one answered so I had to go down to the post office with gov’t ID and the notice they’d left me and go pick it up…..but they never did come by or leave any notice as I was tracking it and knew it was to arrive so someone was always home waiting for the delivery and no one came to the door or rang the doorbell all day! They outright lied; they were just too damn lazy to even bother to try and deliver it and just had it go straight from the truck right back to the post office without even coming  to our house, so I had to go all the way down to the post office in a snowstorm to get it!(it was hard to get my hubby to drive me too and he even told me to walk even though I can’t walk that far, and even walking just to church leaves me huffing and puffing and breathless)  Doesn’t it figure,though, my typical bad luck, and Canada Post can kiss my big bountiful bootiful booty! I also told the medical marijuana supplier to send it by courier from now on as Canada Post is NOT reliable, just like everything else in this shithole. I was just soooo mad!!

I was trying to make the 9 YR old laugh as well and he hit me in the face and got me right in the eye and told me to go away and it just broke my heart, making me feel like a dejected dog with it’s tail between it’s legs; whenever I try to reach out to the kids they always just reject me and push me away so why do I even bother? Sometimes it just feels like I keep banging my head against the wall. Maybe I should just give up and walk away. When do I reach a point when I realize there’s nothing more I can do and enough is enough and I should just stop trying?  My mother also was telling him that chocolate has something in it that “makes you smart” and he remarked, “Then how come Mama’s not smart?”(because I eat alot of chocolate) and  my family’s so abusive to me and it really hurts but they don’t care.