Ice Storm.

icestorm We had a really bad ice storm over the weekend. It was brutal. It looks like snow on the ground but it’s really actually an accumulation of frozen ice pellets. We got freezing rain and then ice pellets which today is supposed to turn to heavy rain,causing flooding. It was so bad that advisories were issued and people were told to hunker down indoors and not drive anywhere and power was out, trees were down, wires were down, and we had hurricane-force winds along with it. So much for spring! What happened to April?

15April2018 This is the front of our street, seen from the veranda. It doesn’t look like the middle of April, does it?Everything was closed due to the ice storm as well, all activities, even the churches were closed so I never had Mass yesterday; everyone just had a quiet day at home, confined to the house, no one going anywhere, but it was actually kind of nice, to take a day off from the world, from life, to just stay at home and not have to go anywhere or do anything. My cousin also said her country club was closed, and even in Toronto the streetcars were down as the tracks were all covered in ice and frozen. As for us, the storm tore off our eavestrough and it went flying over the fence and ended up at the side of the house on the other side, and it also tore off our screen door which fell onto a chair and broke it in half on the backyard porch and broke off more of our fence,too.

When the 11 YR old was being annoying and I told him to go to another room he also snarled at me, Go die(imagine how he’d feel though if I actually did and he’d have to carry that with him for the rest of his life?) and the 16 YR old found out from Patti’s Facebook that her dog’s actually expecting 4 puppies, not 3, and they’re due next week, so Buddy’s going to be a father of 4, and it’s weird though how she’s never posed any “belly shots” of her dog prego and it makes me wonder if she really even is, or if she’s just maybe making the whole thing up…The girls also asked me if white priveledge is real and I told them that sadly, yes, it is, even though most white people will deny it, and I had a dream a dreamboat asked me to a gala as well that was formal and I felt like Cinderella at the ball and said, I never want this night to ever end… and it turned out to be the best day of my life.He was so kind and charming as well that he made me feel beautiful,for the first time ever, which I’ve never felt in my entire life.

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Judas.

Judas I still can’t believe that Patti, or shall I say Judas, turned on me, blocked me from her life, used me, and betrayed me like she did. It esp. hurt as I thought she was my friend, and even more so since I don’t make friends easily, I don’t “warm” to people easily, I don’t trust people, don’t get too close to people, and don’t have many friends, so when I do, it means alot to me and it’s something special that I value and when you lose something that you value, something that’s been cultivated, worked on, given loving care and that you cherish and that is rare, it hurts even more when you lose it so I think that’s why it hurts so much why she did what she did, and even more so so abruptly,and without warning or explanation. A false friend is worse than an enemy because at least with an enemy you know what to expect.

The more I actually think about it though I figure, if she’s going to be like that( a user, not a loyal friend, quick to “turn” on and drop a friend, treating friends like that,etc.) then I’m better off without her and don’t need “friends” like that. When I think about it, I’ve always given her birthday and Christmas gifts as well and she’s never given me one, not even once. I guess that might have been a red flag there, a warning sign, that she maybe really wasn’t a true friend, afterall, that she was in it for something else, using me for something, or at the very least that I valued the friendship more than she did and it didn’t mean as much to her as it did to me.

Then there was the fact that she always complained about everything and everyone and was notorious for always reporting her neighbours to the authorities about every little thing and was really super-nosey( I prefer to leave people alone and mind my own business) and she’d always gossip and tell me not-so-nice things about her other friends which I thought was mean,talking behind their backs like that,not something a real friend would do, and made me wonder if she’s saying things like that about them to me, what is she telling them about me, and then when I found out she’s a racist, too…. I don’t need someone like that,and maybe she was just using me for Buddy to impregnant her dog and then cut me off once she got what she wanted and no longer had “use” for me anymore, who knows? My ex-friend J was the exact same way.

HA, it would serve her right if all of the puppies ended up to be male though as she wants to keep a female. The 16 year old even went as far as to say she hopes Patti’s dog and all the puppies die and she ends up with nothing, but I think that’s too mean and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody but it would serve her right if none of them were females and she never ended up with one in the end anyway. I’m better off without her, I know, but losing someone I confided in, trusted, and thought was a good friend still hurts just the same.

KFC I also got the KFC Double-Down with the hot zinger sauce and maple waffle .Isn’t it just glorious? I just took out the waffle as maple is gross but I ate the chicken. A heart-attack waiting to happen, ha,ha, but I figure if it’s the last thing I ate before I died at least I’d die with a full stomach and a smile on my face. I’d die happy. People in USA were also complaining how it’s not fair that we get this up here in Canada and they don’t in USA but it’s almost always the other way; they’re usually the ones that get all these things and we never do, so now they know how we feel like all the time!It sucks here, we lag behind the rest of the world in so many  things!

I still have that splitting headache and it’s unlike any I’ve had before,too,and it’s weird: it’s only on one side of my head and I can feel it in the spines of my sore stiff neck and going up the back of my head and even my ears are throbbing and feel like they’re under pressure, sort of like when you quickly come up from under the water and your ears are all water-logged, my heart beat pulses with each throbbing pain of my head, plus it feels like an ice-pick is jabbing behind my right eye and the pain is so bad that nothing gets rid of it,not ibuprofen 600 mg, Tramadol, Tylenol # 3, Tylenol Sinus, not even weed, and that even relieves the pain of my migraines, but even that doesn’t get rid of this one and it’s been 3-4 days now I’ve had it now. I think I have a fever too so my guess is likely a sinus infection…

NYE. Good Riddance!!

Screen Shot 12-30-17 at 06.43 PM I can’t believe it already, the end of another year. I say good riddance to 2017 though, it was a bad year though between the 14 YR old’s crisis and my medical issues, our enemy’s return, along with the usual shit and stress in my life so I’ll be glad to see it go. 2016 was a bad year as well with the 19 YR old’s crisis. I can’t wait for this year to end quickly enough! I sure hope 2018 will be better but given our luck and past experiences I doubt that it will be. I expect the same old shit, just a different year. We never seem to catch a break or get time off from constant trauma, crisis, and stress. Pretty well every year is a bad year for us. I was hoping I’d die this year, now I’m 50, and I really thought I would, but on the 4th I turn 51 so it had better hurry up and happen fast then as I only have a few days left now and am quickly running out of time. It’s depressing to me to think that I could possibly still be here next year and live thru another year….maybe even longer….holy shit, maybe even decades longer still….oh, my God… that thought really bums me out. I’m ready to go. I have been for a long time now.

I used to get dressed up and go to New Year’s Eve parties when I was much younger, in my 20’s and 30’s but not any more; I haven’t in so long, now I can’t even stay awake that late and nowadays by the time Midnight rolls around I’ve already been fast asleep for several hours! Plus I don’t have anyone to go with and nothing to celebrate anyway and I don’t drink so there’s really no point. Aunt Flow also showed up, 5 days early and the cramps and bleeding are off the chart….I really hate this and I’m too old for this shit now and don’t need it anymore….I really hope my doc will finally refer me to a gyno as I know something’s wrong down there and I just want to get this thing out and finally be done with it for good. Before it used to be a necessary evil but I don’t need it anymore. Enough is enough.

It’s still friggin’ cold out there and continues to break records and NYE celebrations all over the country are being shortened or cancelled due to the frigid temps although it makes me skeptical since we always have cold winters and people here know how to dress for it….I wonder if instead if the real reason might have been some sort of credible terrorist threat and they cancelled it just to be safe, so there wouldn’t be a huge crowd open to attack….it just makes me wonder…. the 14 YR old also complained she hates Canada too because it’s so cold and my hubby asked her if she’d rather live in USA instead with Trump and all the mass shootings but why does it always have to be one or the other with him all the time? There are other choices,too, you know; there’s something like 206 countries in the world…

Toxic Stress.

Screen Shot 12-29-17 at 06.23 PM I read on a blog recently there is something called toxic stress that burns people out and breaks them over time and it sounds exactly like what I have; stress so bad due to continual ongoing trauma over the years that affects you to such a degree that you’re basically always on survival mode, adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) is always running high, you’re always on alert and wary, in a fight-or-flight mode, always on guard, never at ease or able to fully relax or let your guard down, always highly anxious and stressed. That’s me. Needless to say being in this state constantly takes a toll on you both mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just like my mother had emblazoned on one of her coffee mugs: stress is my life.

This is what my family and my life has done to me.

As well, we’re still in the record cold, it’s like living in the frozen Arctic tundra, and even colder here than in Siberia, Alaska, even the North Pole. It’s just too cold for human life and the 14 YR old complains she hates Canada too as it’s just too cold. Yeah, I know. I get it. We’re just in the wrong country. I would really love to hibernate on a tropical beach in the Caribbean. We’re getting colds now too with the frigid weather and have our thermostat and heaters cranked up to the highest settings and it’s still cold! The heated blanket has become my new best friend.

The 14 YR old also likes to make fun of my green trackpants that has the word candy written across the ass, even though I never even noticed it was there when I first bought it; it just  on sale so I snatched it up; she says she has to get laser eye surgery now because seeing that burned her eyes out….ha,ha….very funny. I’ve been really itchy lately as well which could indicate liver and/or kidney failure as the toxins build up in my body and cause rashes,red spots, allergic reactions, and itchiness, and even my eyeballs have been itchy and burning stinging sore too but not red and sore like with Pink-eye, but it may be jaundice from my liver as they do look a bit yellow along with my skin so it could be that with my liver. Perhaps that’s how I’ll die; multiple organ failure with my heart, liver,and kidneys? I really am an old, broken down, falling apart jalopy. It’s also itchy on the back of my head every day as well on the spot where I hit it when I fainted and fell, making me wonder if it’s a sign of healing….or something else perhaps…

My Asperger’s.

Screen Shot 07-13-17 at 10.44 AM As soon as my hubby got home the other day the first thing he did was come down on me and tear me down for keep doing the same stupid things over and never learn! This time because before he left he told me to tell the 22 YR old to shock the pool so I did and then he rips into me because it rained,  how it’s just a waste of money, etc. as you’re supposed to shock it after it rains,and not if it’s raining , even though he did it before it rained and it wasn’t raining when he did it, and he blames me like I’m responsible for the weather, and his usual condescending tirade about how dumb I am, making me feel like a worthless piece of shit….the usual

You keep doing the same stupid things over and never learn!

Those are the words he said to me, and my reply: If he can find a cure for Asperger’s then to let me know, and a cure for being an asshole too because he’s going to need that one! It’s not fair or right that he constantly belittles and criticizes me for something I can’t help and have no control over, a disability, I was born this way; I’m not doing it on purpose to annoy you! I bet he was that asshole kid in school that made fun of the Special Ed kids,too, or laughs at handicapped kids, and the way he treats me for my Asperger’s is no different than yelling at a deaf guy because he can’t hear you, or yelling at a blind guy for bumping into you. Just total lack of understanding. You can’t blame someone for their disability or get mad at them for it, holy shit…it’s hard enough having a disability without all that extra added shit…

As well, while walking Buddy I saw an empty syringe on the grass under a shrub so some junkie must have shot up and tossed it away….but….OMG….that’s just so….gross…so….unhygenic! I  also heard the number one genre of music on the radio in this country is redneck country music ( eeeewww!) proving my theory though that this really is  a nation of uncultured rednecks,  and I also heard on the news that some Native reservation are refusing to evacuate the BC fires and the authorities ordered them that if they don’t that all their children will be removed from the community. Sounds like the horrific gov’t Residential Schools all over again! Talk about Fascist Big Brother tactics! They’re always f*cking over the Natives, too. When are they ever going to leave them alone?

I had this cool idea as well: wouldn’t it be great if the 14 YR old and I could both move to Toronto together, just the two of us ( and Buddy of course) since both of us love the city and want to live there, and she seems to thrive and come alive there (and I know I certainly do!) and neither of us are happy here, and this way I also get to get away from this toxic environment that’s destroyed my soul, as well as away from my hubby, who’s destroyed my life, but I also know that realistically we can’t afford 2 residences, and the average monthly rent in Toronto now is 2000$ . It would be nice though, for both of us. maybe both our broken souls could heal together?

Canada 150.

Screen Shot 06-30-17 at 08.26 AM Today is Canada Day, as every 1 July, and it’s a national holiday with big celebrations everywhere only this year even more so as it’s 150 YRS since Confederation, that is, since it actually became an official united country. That’s pretty young for a country,though, esp. when you consider other places such as Greece, Rome, or Egypt. It’s so sad how this country is seriously lacking in culture and history, it’s embarrassing actually.

So there’s this big anticipation and media campaign leading up to it and everyone’s like int his fervour or frenzy or whatever you want to call it, of nationalism and patriotism which I think is never a good thing as it always creates an Us VS Them mentality and is the kind of dogma and thinking that can start wars.It kinds makes me think of North Korea and it’s “Dear Leader” idealology. Personally I’ve never gone for flag-waving and to keep hearing incessantly about it is rubbing me the wrong way,and I’m not alone: while everyone keeps jubilating saying how “wonderful” this country is, and how “lucky” we are to live here,and what a “great” country this is and the “greatest country in the world”, etc.. crap I think that the Native People would beg to differ.(as well as immigrants being treated with anti-immigrant racist sentiment, and Muslims and others being attacked for their faith,colour,or race, etc.)

For the Indigenous People, it’s nothing more than a hurtful reminder of 150 YRS of occupation, oppression, assimilation, marginalization, genocide,  and destruction of their culture, autonomy, and way of life. Before Confederation there were many various different Native tribes and they were self-governing, and enjoyed a rich culture, lived their lives according to their own laws and traditions, and lived in harmony with nature. The past 150 YRS has been nothing but injustice and suffering for the Native people and this nation has done nothing but harm, suppress, and keep down the Natives. There are Native protesters at Parliament Hill today protesting(they keep erecting teepees and the police keep tearing them down and arresting them)and to continue to call attention to their plight and ongoing treatment and poor living conditions, and sub-standard, Third-World education, health care and quality of life.

I don’t celebrate oppression or injustice,either. Canada Sucks! Any country that treats it’s First citizens( or any citizens)like that doesn’t deserve to be celebrated. It’s a human rights violation at it’s worst. While all the mindless indoctrinated “sheeple” will be feeding at the trough, unquestioning and blind, I will be standing alone out in the pasture, at a distance, in silent protest, in solidarity with the Natives, staying far away. I’m never on the side of the majority, ha,ha.

Duhar.

Screen Shot 04-03-17 at 08.29 AM When I took Buddy out for his early morning walk yesterday morning I noticed that twice someone had graffittied duhar on our driveway in chalk and I thought that maybe it was some gang and that it was some sort of gang symbol , targeting our house as they intended to return and rob us….but as it turned out it was one of my own kids and not a gang afterall; they had “delayed” April Fool’s Day a few days later as on Saturday no one was home to celebrate it and prank anyone as the 17 YR old was away at a Cadets activity, the 13 YR old was at a youth group event, the 15 YR old had her cheerleading competition and the 22 YR old was at his jiu-jitsu.

I thought it was doo-har but it was actually d’har as in what d’har? so of course they all got a big laugh over it, and as well they had hung 8 or so potatoes suspended from the hall ceiling on the second floor but by the time I saw it there were only 2 left hanging, and someone also put a wart pad on the handle of the toilet, and the 13 YR old replaced the 15 YR old’s framed photo studio portrait on the wall with a framed colour diagram of the human body, complete with internal  organs as she has this “thing” about human anatomy; it really grosses her out,and she always shrieks, too much H.B! (human body) I’m sure they must have done other things,too, but that’s all that I found out about…

I finally got my nails filled in and touched up as well; I just went to a salon here and they use the same stuff and the guy doing it was really meticulous with the filing and polishing,too, and the fill-in was only 27$, incl. tax, and when I’d mentioned how my hubby didn’t want to have to wait for me to get my nails done he goes, but isn’t that what marriage is all about? and it made me think, he’s right! and that realization really hit me hard. My hubby also got something on sale and he ended up paying more in tax than he did for the actual item, as they had the nerve to charge the tax based on the cost of the original listed price and not on the reduced actual sale price that he paid! They really do cheat us and rip us off, more than we realize!

The house next door is now also for sale now again as well as the one across the street, and my friend P (from grade 6) and her boyfriend just got back from a cruise to the Mexican Riviera and yesterday they left for another trip to the Caribbean, also still celebrating her 50th birthday! so lucky! He’s a keeper! She should hold on to that one and marry that guy! The 10 YR old always tells Buddy he’s “bad” too even when he doesn’t even do anything(and I tell him not to or else when he really is bad he won’t know the difference and it won’t mean anything) and my mother tersely replied, he’s breathing,that’s enough! She’s just so mean and I’m tempted to draw a swastika on her backpack because she’s so full of hate. She’s just a mean, nasty, spiteful, mean-spirited,vindictive,bitter,hateful old woman!