Adjectives.

Screen Shot 06-18-17 at 11.15 AM Here are different adjectives that have been used during my life that people have used to describe me:

  • ugly
  • fat
  • stupid
  • annoying
  • weird
  • dog
  • Frankenstein Face
  • worthless
  • useless
  • failure
  • free spirit
  • rebellious
  • outspoken
  • off-beat
  • opinionated
  • unique
  • crazy
  • religious
  • sensitive
  • paranoid
  • individual
  • Marxist
  • Communist
  • anarchist
  • hippie
  • pothead
  • druggie
  • unlucky
  • quirky
  • mouthy
  • loud
  • funky
  • lazy
  • stubborn
  • immature
  • imaginative
  • creative
  • worry-wart

As well, today one of the kids turns 16, and next weekend she’s having a big party and dance and she’s booked the local highschool for the venue, and yesterday morning just minutes before she was to leave for church in the morning someone picked her up and she left in a car…..I was mad….I thought she either forgot about church or just blew it off and went out regardless but luckily she returned in time to go to the evening Mass so it all worked out. My hubby also went out so we had to walk to church and it was really hot, with a humidex of 37 C and I thought I was going to pass out plus the sore on my foot was bleeding from my sandals rubbing on it as I walked but luckily on the way back it rained and was windy so it cooled it down.

It would have been nice if he’d told me earlier that he wasn’t going to be here and then I could have gone in the morning and got a ride and not had to walk in the heat but he just tells me 10 minutes before I’m ready to go! Good news,too: the grumpy priest said he’s leaving the end of July as he’s been reassigned! yay! I hope his replacement will be nice! I also saw a lady in front of me and she had no booty! None at all; it was just flat; her back and booty just went straight down together, just flat, and I’ve never seen anything like it before, and I thought to myself, it must be hard sitting, with no padding ( I don’t have that problem; I have lots of junk in the trunk) and even wondered if she maybe had cancer or something and had her ass cheeks surgically cut off? It was the strangest thing….she needs some butt implants! 😀

Last night while watching the news an emergency broadcast also came across the screen  interrupting it with a tornado warning saying to take cover immediately and then later on the same thing happened on the radio,too, and now we have another severe thunderstorm warning as well but June is tornado season though! I also forgot that I was steaming carrots and I left it on there and went to have a bath….and all the water had evaporated away and the pot had burned dry…..holy shit….I hadn’t even had any weed, either, it was just me being me….it really shook me up, I’m just always so forgetful all the time, it’s like I have Alzheimer’s or something…. it makes me feel so stupid and my mother scolded me, You can’t do that!( leaving something on the stove and forgetting about it) but I told her, forgot; I didn’t do it on purpose!

 

God.

Screen Shot 05-17-17 at 08.29 AM My toxic family always makes fun of my religious beliefs, my faith,and my relationship with God, even though it’s the most important thing in my life. It means everything to me, it guides me, defines me, moulds me, shapes me, strengthens me, reassures me, gives me hope, comforts me, heals me, and is the core of my life, of my very being, of myself.  Praying to God is the first thing I do in the morning as soon as I wake up ( after I go pee, that is) and the last thing at night before I go to sleep, as well as various times throughout the day.I’m always chattering away to Him and I can envision Him doing a face-palm and going, Does this one ever shut up? It is what sustains me. God has given me strength beyond my own capacity, and when I’ve been drained completely empty He has given me strength, endurance, resilience,and ability and even hope when I was all out and when I didn’t have any left myself. When I fall down (which is alot!) He always lifts me back up. He’s there for me when no one else is.He has saved me more times than I can count. I know He will never let me down, leave me, or stop loving me, even when everyone else does.

My faith is God is the cornerstone of my life. I base all my moral dilemmas and life decisions upon it. It guides my moral compass. God has always warned, guided, protected, and provided for me. He loves me even when no one else does. He keeps me safe and gives me direction and peace. When I’m drowning He rescues me, when I’m struggling He pulls me back up again and again.  I even listen to God “speak” to me thru the Holy Spirit by “listening” to that still, small “voice” that impresses a thought, urge, image, dream, message, revelation, feeling, vision, or other “nudge”, hint, or sign of what He wants me to do or where to go according to His plan for my life, or as a sign, or an answer to my prayer,solution to a problem, or to give me a sign of hope or confirmation, and in some cases, even advanced warnings..

My family, of course, doesn’t believe any of this and just thinks I’m nuts. Well, we’re all nuts, but that’s besides the point.  I sincerely believe that God communicates to everyone; all they have to do is listen but sadly most people don’t listen, they don’t pay attention, they aren’t in “tune” to it, they’re on a different frequency, or they brush it off, or dismiss it as “coincidence” or a “fluke”, or perhaps as “good luck”, or “being in the right place at the right time” etc. not recognizing or realizing that it’s actually the Hand Of God at work, communicating with them, and guiding and protecting them.Of course, sometimes God also works thru others as well, and Him sending me Buddy when I was lonely and needed a friend was like an angel sent from Heaven. He always knows exactly what we need when we need it.

God wants us to talk with him. He wants to communicate with you. All you have to do is listen and pay attention and see it for what it really is.

Thought for the day:Death isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning.

My Mother’s Day.

Screen Shot 05-13-17 at 10.34 PM 001Look at this awesome hippo painting the 17 YR old painted for me for Mother’s Day! (she’s a talented painter and writer) I just completely love  it! I’ve been having trouble finding hippo paintings so she did one for me! That’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me! It now hangs proudly in my room, above my bed, next to Jesus. The 15 YR old observed, She forgot the top teeth! but no matter, I love it, and I can just pretend it either lost it’s teeth in a fight with another hippo ( 2 males battling for dominance) or it’s a young calf and it’s teeth haven’t all come in yet,like Fiona.

 

Screen Shot 05-14-17 at 07.38 PM From my hubby I also got these cool purple Converse hi-tops to add to my collection. Usually I’m lucky if I even get a card, and none of the kids either gave me or made me a card and none of them even bothered to even say Happy Mother’s Day, either, but they were away for most of the day so I ended up having a nice quiet break and relaxing day.We also had KFC for dinner as neither my mother or I wanted to cook on Mother’s Day. I asked the 14 YR old for my Mother’s Day gift if she’d let me hug her and she refused and recoiled in horror. I just wish she’d let me love her. I’m not even allowed to look at her, touch her, or even speak to her, and everything I say or do annoys her anyway so I might as well just do what I want whether she likes it or not and to that she threatens, Then I’ll get revenge on you! I just wish I could get thru to her. I wish we could get our old connection and closeness back but she keeps pushing me further and further away no matter how much I try.Truth be told, she’s really horrible to me and it just breaks my heart….I wish she wasn’t so mean, and that I wasn’t always on the receiving end of it.

As well, we had this bad thunderstorm yesterday and church had no power so we had Mass basically in the dark but they did put a few extra candles for a bit of light, and I confessed my suicide attempts too and it was the grumpy old fart but he was surprisingly sympathetic, and for the past week I’m still groggy, spacey,and in a “fog”, I suppose the drugs still in my system, and I asked God for a sign if I’m going to die this year, or maybe even this month (since most people in our family do die in May) that I hear both Stairway To Heaven and Hallelujah yesterday…..and I heard Stairway To Heaven twice; once on the radio and once on my iPod, and then in church one of the hymns was Hallelujah! I couldn’t believe it, and I bet if I die the people at church would actually miss me more than my own family will, even though they don’t even really know me, they see me there every Sunday, I’m like a regular fixture there, part of the weekly routine they get used to seeing and then when I’m not there it’ll seem like something’s missing,and I see them as my church family and spiritual brothers and sisters, but my own family will be glad to be rid of me and will be happy to see me go…..

I remember at the last session with the social worker too when I mentioned how everyone always betrays me and she dismisses and downplays it by saying, What you see as betrayal may not be what I see as betrayal…..uh, excuse me, but I’ll give you one example, and I think that anyone would agree with me that it’s most definitely betrayal: I’d told my hubby my biggest, darkest secret( that I was molested by a relative as a kid for 8 years) a secret I’d never told anyone before that, not even my mother, and make him swear he’d never tell anyone, except he did; he told his sister in an effort to destroy me; she’d kidnapped one of my kids because she only had boys and wanted a girl so she took mine and he helped her and told her my secret so she could use it in court as “ammunition” against me. Fortunately it didn’t work, but that was a HUGE betrayal, and that’s just one example…and now he wonders why I don’t trust him….

 

The Gallery.

Screen Shot 04-30-17 at 06.46 PM There’s this funky little art gallery in Kingston which is actually in a house converted into a store on the way to the hospital we pass by every week and they have some of the art displayed outside the store and I always see this big beautiful oil painting of sunflowers, similar to the one shown here, and I’m just drawn to it and it calls to me, and I wish I could buy it as it reminds me of that recurring dream I have of me running barefoot and wearing a long flowing white gauze robe running thru a field of sunflowers with the impression that I’m in Heaven and the feeling is just so beautiful, and I love sunflowers and seeing that painting ( on canvas, without a frame) reminds me of that dream and of Heaven and the way it makes me feel and I always want to stop by and check it out…

It keeps playing on my mind, sort of like an itch that I just can’t scratch,it keeps tugging at me and nagging at my soul, so I finally asked my hubby if we could stop off at the gallery this week on the way to the clinic so I can at least find out what it costs, how expensive it is, or if it’s possible that I might be able to buy it if it’s reasonably priced, because it has such meaning for me and some things just stand out, like you’re “meant” to have them, and sometimes you just have to treat yourself, you know? but he said the usual, that he doesn’t have time, even though it’s literally just a block or so away from the hospital and we always get there early enough we have the time,and I just want to see,and I either can afford it or I can’t, and it means so much to me, but I bet if it was something for him or that he had to do or wanted to do he’d somehow find the time, just not for me, because I don’t matter, but I’m hoping in time his heart will “soften” and he’ll change his mind, but it’s so hard to get him to take me anywhere or do anything for me, and he’ll never go out of his way, change his schedule, alter his routine, , take the time, make the effort, or bother in any way for me….

As well, I finally got to do my Confession for my Divine Mercy Novena, which has to be done within 20 days to “count” but I couldn’t do it last Sunday as the priest hearing the Confessions was the old grump and I don’t feel comfortable with him but yesterday for the last 10 minutes my fave. priest relieved him at the confessional so I quickly jumped up as soon as they switched and I ran in….and the grumpy old fart saw and knew what I did and he gave me this really scornful fierce look, but I did my Confession, and he noticed my hippo tattoo on my foot as I was wearing my moccassins(without socks) so the tops of my feet were visible and he goes, Is that a tattoo? Didn’t that really hurt? (being on my foot)…yes, it did,actually, and was my most painful one of all…. and then he shook his head and muttered, women! and at the end of Mass on the way out he says to me, Happy tattooing! He also told me that I’m a good woman and that he prays for me which I thought was really nice. 🙂

Lucernarium.

Screen Shot 04-15-17 at 05.51 PM Last night we had the Easter Vigil Mass. It’s always been one of my faves. even though it’s also really long, but I love the candles, the bells, and the incense. My hubby was out with the girls and he “forgot” about me; that he was supposed to be back at a certain time to drive me to church and it had been raining and so I had to walk but luckily it had stopped raining in time otherwise I’d have to walk in the rain(and I was really pissed off) and I was worried too he’d make me walk back as well….at night…..alone in the dark (as it didn’t finish until 9 pm) and I’d end up mugged, raped, or killed….The Rich Lady sat beside me,too, but usually hardly anyone does; I guess with my Buzz-cut I look fierce and I scare them away, but I don’t really mind, it’s kind of like a “defence”; it keeps people away and gives me lots of personal space so they leave me alone and don’t come too close and with my anxiety and social phobia I get really nervous if people are too close to me or there’s too many of them.. She also passed on the flame from her candle to mine(and it turns out she has this cool Scottish accent,too!)…but there wasn’t anyone else close enough nearby me for me to be able to light their candle and pass it on and it was sort of symbolic of me in the world; no one to pass on my light to, nobody to share my flame with.

We don’t dye Easter eggs anymore now,either, partly as most of the kids have kind of out-grown it and moved beyond that stage, also partly because we’re busy and don’t really have the time, and also because we’re lazy, and that’s not what Easter’s about, anyway; it’s not about eggs, chicks, and bunnies;it’s about Jesus’ Ressurection, so there’s that, although  I DO have to admit I like the chocolate though, esp. after Easter when it’s reduced 50% off! I’m also doing the Divine Mercy Novena, and since Easter’s the holiest day of the YR the thought occurred to me as well that anyone who dies today it would be an honour.

My hubby also “jokingly” said ( at least I think it was jokingly; with him you never know,and he does have a dark sense of “humour” and likes to play mind-games and f*ck up people’s heads) that’s he’s been slowly poisoning me by putting turpentine in my cans of Diet Pepsi, when I leave them on the table when I leave the room to go to the bathroom, for example, and that’s why my liver and kidneys are failing, why I’m losing so much weight, why I’m always so fatigued, why I’m having seizures, etc… holy shit! what if he really is though; he’s really trying to kill me and it’s not a joke? He did try to push me to suicide before,and since that didn’t work maybe this is his other plan to get rid of me? In any case, in case I do die soon, have them check for poisoning just in case because I don’t want the bastard to get away with it, esp. as he has always bragged before that he’s “so smart” that he can “outwit” the authorities and commit the perfect crime and get away with it….

The 15 YR old also smirked that I was a druggie before(with all my pills for high BP, ulcer, migraines, depression, etc. but none of them are addictive;no opiods, painkillers, or sleeping pills) but now even more so I’m on my weed… even though it’s all medically prescribed ,and the Rastafarians are right about cannabis bring you closer to God and making you more spiritual,too; I’ve noticed the same thing myself;it puts me more in touch with my spirituality and my spiritual side, and it’s also when my mind is more “open” and able to receive insight, knowledge, and revelation, and I can even feel that the “veil” is “thinner” between here and the Heavenly world, or at least that I’m more aware of it, and I’ve even come close to it and can hear muffled voices, as if in the distance, that may be that of deceased loved ones or maybe even angels. It truly is a religious experience. Most medications have not-so-good side-effects, such as weight gain, diarrhrea, or dry mouth, but weed had the most pleasant  side-effects of any medication I’ve ever had!! 😀

I Know.

Screen Shot 04-13-17 at 06.42 PM The 13 and 15 YR olds held Buddy “hostage” in the 15 YR old’s room and wouldn’t let him out even when he obviously wanted to come out and I told them to let him out and I tried to free him but they had locked the door, so I resorted to an old tactic and skill I still retained from my past: lock picking. This is a talent I possess that the kids didn’t know that I have( among one of many) so when I had that door open in mere seconds they seemed quite surprised. (I also specialize in opening doors with credit cards but that’s another story) but I have quite alot of skills that they don’t know about(there’s alot of things about me they don’t know) and I also know things that they don’t know that I know. I see things, hear things, am aware of things, find out things,and know things that they have no idea  that I know; so many things I secretly keep to myself in my head, knowledge and experience that I keep hidden, that I don’t even write in my diary or post on here, that I am aware of and know is going on, such as who really did what (incl. who it is that always takes all my shit, such as my coconut oil, my toothbrush, my deoderant, my suntan oil, my toothpaste, etc..) who said what,who’s lying, who started it,things I found out but didn’t mention, things they think don’t  know, things they think they got away with, etc. but in actual fact I know alot more than they think I do or that I let on. I also have skills and knowledge of things they don’t know I have, and I know, even when they don’t think I do….

As well, I saw a guy in church who looked exactly like Mario! He was a short little Italian guy and his hair, his face,and even his nose looked just like Mario,and if you put a hat and overalls on him he would be an exact match, and I also saw a little girl hugging her mother and it reminded me of the 13 YR old the way she used to be loving and affectionate to me, before she pushed me away,and how much I miss it and it brought tears to my eyes, reminding me of what I lost, and there were 3 kids sitting in front of me,too,and I thought to myself, I’ll bet they behave better than my kids, and I bet they’re not so mean and disrespectful to their mother like my kids are to me!

The 15 YR old also drew bite on Buddy with a black marker, and my mother purposely hit him hard with the door when she swung it open,too, so hard it made a loud thud sound; she’s just a mean old witch, and the 15 YR old was being really mouthy and talking back to me as well and then I heard her brag to the 13 YR old about me, I’m so evil to her! I like annoying her! I love tormenting people! she’s becoming a real little BITCH lately, and I’m just so sick of all their shit and if only I had never met my hubby or had kids all this (and all the traumas, stress, worry, fear,and misery) could have been avoided and I could have had a peaceful life and I could have been happy!

US Prez Trump also bombed Syria a week ago and then he bombed Afghanistan this week and now he’s talking about possibly bombing North Korea next….so, what, is he going to bomb a different country every week, or what? He’s going to cause WWIII and the odds are that North Korea is going to fight back! He’s an unstable, aggressive, imperialist war-monger! I also like the Bible verse foretelling about Jesus and it describes me perfectly as well so I can relate to it: someone who’s unattractive, rejected, ridiculed, suffering, hated…

He has no form or comeliness;
And when we see Him,
There is no beauty that we should desire Him.
 He is despised and rejected by men,
A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.
And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him;
He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.

Isaiah 53:3