BuddyLong Here is a funny photo of Buddy and the 16 YR old that the 14 YR old took. Look how extra long he is! I know he’s a Dachshund and he is long but in real life he’s still not quite this long, like he appears in the picture. Here he looks like he’s 2-3 times longer than he actually is in real life. I suspect the photo has been “doctored” in some way, edited or Photoshopped, although the girls deny it. If not, then perhaps it’s just the angle, but either way he’s quite the longfellow, we could call him Stretch. I also picked 4 fleas off him in just the same day. Another sign spring is near(he was rolling around in the grass), along with the flock of geese I saw returning the other day and the birds that have come back.I like spring; it always shows new life, a promise of new hope and renewal after a long cold winter. It brings hope.

As well, I have the cold now that 3 of the kids had, now I’m sneezing, have a runny nose and a scratchy throat, and I felt really weird the other day too, just all of a sudden, really “creepy”(like how I did awhile ago in the CT scan) and hard to explain the feeling but the closest would be like when your BP drops suddenly and quickly so I checked it and it was a bit high actually but not concerning but my heart rate was low; 52(normal is 65 or so) and I checked online and anything below 60 is considered bradycardia, or low heart rate, also called Sick Sinus and low enough for a pacemaker, so it would also explain why I’m always so tired and feel like I’m going to faint when I stand up and that time why I did faint that time a few months ago, It will be interesting what the cardiologist says when I see him next month….

I also lost more weight again; I can tell as my rings are looser and so are my pants and my stomach looks flatter.I came across as well something called Addison’s Disease which means low  functioning adrenal glands and explains alot of my other symptoms and it makes sense if I have that as well esp. considering I did have issues with my adrenal gland before, incl. low levels of aldosterone.It also would explain the darkening patches I have on my skin…A cousin also informed us that my mother’s uncle( who was in his 90’s) died and so did another cousin’s ex-wife, who would just have been in her 60’s. I remember when their family first moved to this country when I was a teen and when they divorced she moved back to Europe and I think she remarried again.

I had these weird dreams as well, incl. the neighbour’s house next door was on fire and I could see the flames coming from their upstairs window, and another dream that the 23 YR old and his GF split up and I was sad because I like them together and they’re so cute, and another dream as well this family wanted a dog so they said about Buddy, We’ll just take this one! and I said, No you won’t! That’s MY dog, and if you touch him I’ll gut you like a fish! but somehow they did take him but he managed to escape and come back to me.I liked it in church yesterday too in the homily the deacon said that even thru suffering,trials, hardship, and pain you are never alone and that God is with you and Jesus suffered too and you are like a seed planted in darkness that is in a hostile environment yet one day will still blossom. I’m like that seed. I have been planted in darkness and I am waiting to blossom.




Victim Souls.

victimSouls On a Catholic site I regularly read I came across an article about Victim Souls  and the thought occurred to me that perhaps that’s maybe what I am, with my life-long misfortune, bad luck, tragedies, traumas, pain, suffering, etc.. as described here: The concept of the victim soul derives from the Roman Catholic teaching on redemptive suffering. Such a person is said to be one chosen by God to suffer more than most people during life, and who generously accepts the suffering, based on the example of Christ’s own Passion.

I have always wondered why. Why am I always plagued with such bad luck, misfortune, everything always going wrong, with one crisis after another, never catching a break, endless trials and trauma….I wondered if maybe I or my family might have even been cursed someone or were being punished, but this might also be another possibility. Could I have maybe possibly been chosen by God to suffer in order to save souls, for others’ salvation? Could that possibly be my purpose in life? Even though I am nobody, just a small insignificant speck in the universe, God has been known throughout history to use the “smallest”, simple, average person to do His will, He has chosen not people of greatness, royalty, wealth and prestige, but the average, lowly, humble person to do His will and He uses people to help one another and to fulfill His purpose. If that’s true then does that mean I do have a purpose in life,afterall, a meaning, even though it also means that I have to struggle just to get thru each day and that I have to endure an unhappy miserable life. Either that, or I just really do just have bad luck…

As well, in church yesterday I had stomach and abdomenal pain so bad I almost threw up from the pain and I spent the entire Gospel and homily in the bathroom doing a shit thinking that would relieve the pain except it didn’t. I don’t know if it’s my stomach ulcer, my liver, or something in my colon but it’s getting really bad. I wish they could just figure out what’s wrong with me and what’s causing it. Whatever it is they’re just not seeing it; it’s hidden and not showing up on the tests yet continues to cause me worsening pain and fatigue. I pretty well slept all day yesterday too although that was also due to the time change; I just couldn’t get my ass in gear. I’ve also had a headache and bad lower back pain for the past 4 days as well and always feel so cold all the time and shivering.

Moving Day.


For the past 4 nights I’ve have my old recurring dream (that I’ve had for years, although not days in a row like this, just every now and then) that I move back to my old Toronto house. Even though I only lived there for 5 years, from age 12-17, of all the houses I’ve ever lived in ( at least 13, maybe more) that house has always been my fave. and the one that I most feel was my home. In my dream my mother and I and Buddy move back there and it’s the same it was as when we moved out in 1984, the same wallpaper, carpeting,etc. and I’m trying to figure out where to put the furniture and the stuff on the walls, etc. and in last night’s “episode” it seemed so real I didn’t even realize that it was a dream and in the dream I remember saying to myself, I’ve had recurring dreams about moving back to my old house for years,and now here I am! I’ve always wonder what, if anything, it means and symbolizes though; is it just happy memories of a place I felt safe, at home, protected from the world, my sanctuary,  and just happy times I wish I could go back to, or is there something more, perhaps meaning I’m going to die soon, symbolizing that I’m going Home soon, as in to Heaven, like how that old Toronto house symbolizes my home…..

Speaking of moving, in the latest dreams there’s also an extra addition to it as well where my mother booked with the moving company to get our stuff and move it to the old house and she signed a contract with the moving date but they never showed up and each day goes by I keep hoping and waiting it’s moving day but they never show up and it never is even though they said Friday….and I keep waiting and waiting, desperate to move back but the movers never show up….. they also sold that house beside D’s old house that was up for over 400 000$ and it didn’t take that long to sell,either, and it must be to out-of-towners as the rednecks in this town couldn’t afford it, and that’s what this town is; mostly run-down cheap aluminum siding houses with the odd nice big old house thrown in here and there, and everyone puts their toilet paper rolls on the wrong way too, with it rubbing along down the wall, and talk low-class in double-negatives too, revealing their obvious lack of education, such as I a’int seen nothin’, I never said nothin’, is that one of them weiner dogs? etc. It just makes my skin crawl. Everyone also wears these plaid flannel shirts and look like farmers and even the women drive pick up trucks!

We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog is prego or not but the vet says not likely since Buddy’s 12 and likely has a low sperm count but I think he’s up for it; I don’t think he “shoots blanks” and I think he’ll show them and prove them wrong; he’s got what it takes, and the 18 YR old for one of her journalism interviews for school had to go to a redneck hockey game! Poor her! She must have got the short straw when it came to assignments, but she also gets good assignments,too, like reviewing live theatre performances and interviewing famous people.My hubby was also 3 days late giving us our $$$ for the month and he brushed it off saying we don’t need it now and I told him We needed it 3 days ago! and he either just doesn’t see how much we struggle financially or he’s in denial, or just doesn’t want to step up, but it’s so bad that we couldn’t even give the kids their allowances until he paid us and we’re so poor now too my mother wants to get a haircut(and needs one) but has to let her hair grow out long because she just doesn’t have the $$$$$. She doesn’t even have the $$$$ for a haircut.

My mother also asked if anyone at church mentioned my Buzz-cut but what are they going to say, like, Oh, my God, you’re bald! What happened? No, they never said anything and they never even stared, but it’s church and they’ve seen me bald many times before so it’s no big deal. I saw this old guy there too, likely near 70 with this much younger woman, 30-40 years younger than him so then in my mind I was wondering, I wonder if that’s his daughter or his girlfriend? so then I tried to guess based on their body language and other clues and I noticed he had a sharp hairstyle and was dressed dapper incl. sunglasses and was looking good, like he was trying to impress someone so I figured she must be his girlfriend and then he put his arm around her and gently rubbed her back…..so, ok…..I guess that answers it, she’s not his daughter! 😀  My father-in-law also had a birthday and he’s now 85. Wow….I sure hope I don’t live that long. It’s depressing even thinking about it.


He’s Finally Going To Get Laid!!

TrumpHump Buddy’s wish is finally going to come true; he’s finally going to get laid!He’s desperate to get laid and at almost 12 years old( next week) he doesn’t want to die a virgin and the poor desperate old dog is always humping my leg and Patti sent me a message yesterday saying her female Dachshund is in heat and she’s thinking of breeding her and asked if Buddy was up for it and I replied, Are you kidding? It’s his dream come true! The standard breeding transaction for the stud dog owner is they either get the first choice of puppy from the litter or are paid a stud fee, the equal cost of one puppy and of course the first thing my mother said was about getting the stud fee and was adamant about no more dogs(even though Buddy’s the only dog for me and I don’t want any more dogs and he’d be so jealous anyway) but I wasn’t even thinking of charging her a stud fee; we’re friends and I’m just going to do it because it would make Buddy happy and help her out financially (as she’d make $$$$ selling the puppies.) I can’t wait to see the puppies later though; mini versions of Buddy, mini- Buddys walking around, his progeny to carry on. ♥

I also went to church yesterday instead of today because I knew we were getting freezing rain today and there’s no way I can walk in that, and for Valentine’s Day they had married couples re-newing their vows and there I was, sitting there all alone, and as I was listening to it it literally made me feel sick imagining saying that to my hubby again, it made me shudder, he treats me so terribly and has ruined my life. Meeting him was the worst thing I ever did and my biggest loss in life is never finding love or having romance. The best thing I ever did was getting Buddy. I regret having kids too, although not my kids personally (even though they do treat me like shit) but rather just the idea of having kids in general and what it does to your relationships and your life, and if you have a choice between having kids or getting a dog, go with the dog. Unlike kids, dogs won’t stop loving you once they grow up. They remain loyal  and loving. They won’t suddenly  wake up one day and decide they  hate you. A dog is the most selfless creature created and exists solely to love.

I also went to trim my hair and noticed that both (different measurements) the clips on my clippers are broken, most of the “prongs” in the clippers have been broken off, with only 2-3 left on each, leaving me unable to shave my hair, no doubt one of the kids did; they’re always sabotaging and ruining my stuff to get me mad. The 14 and 16 year olds and my hubby always mock my brain decline and Asperger’s as well and call me Groundhog Day after that dumb movie, because I keep repeating things, the 16 YR old scoffed to me that I’m probably a lesbian and says Buddy and I have sex,too,  and after I’d said or done something deemed stupid my hubby snarled You’re just being you, even though I don’t know who else to be, and the 14 and 16 YR olds were complaining about our “ghetto” dishes too as we have plastic and paper cups and plates, kids’ Spider-Man The Incedibles, Strawberry Shortcake, etc. plates, and can never find utensils and nothing matches so they went to the thrift store ( I call the Peasant store) the only place we can afford to shop and bought some dishes. My mother also said she’s ashamed we’re so short of $$$ we have to ration food to make sure there’s enough for everyone and on the news they said the average family here spends 500$ a month on groceries too when we spend that much on food a week!! I have to replace the leads on my heart monitor after a bath as well and hook it back up but I had no trouble finding the right spots as there was still big red circles left behind on my skin from the old ones so I knew where they go.






The Family Curse.

voodooDoll It would now seem that my family curse has now moved beyond me and been passed onto my kids as well: I’ve always been plagued by bad luck, misfortune, tragedy, things always going wrong, never going right or working out, been that unlucky one-out-of-a-million, etc. you get the idea, and now it’s happening to others in my family as well. I have always wondered if maybe I’ve been cursed, or if my parents were, as I don’t know honestly what else would cause such a lifetime of bad luck…. When my hubby and the girls stayed in Ottawa for the 16 YR old’s cheerleading competition on the weekend their hotel room had no heat and it was really cold. Of course everyone else’s rooms were ok and due to Winterlude the hotels were all booked up so they couldn’t even get another room. A guy came and tried to fix it but it only worked a bit and they were freezing all night.Just our luck. That’s the kind of thing that always happens to me. As well as that I found out the reason the 18 YR old didn’t get the editor position she applied for on her campus newspaper is because they never got the e-mail she sent applying for it so now she’s a columnist instead. Also the same thing that would happen to me. I guess now the curse is being passed down to the next generation….

The 16 YR old’s team won third place in the competition and she said to me the other day in a taunting way that I spent my entire life trying to be popular too but I didn’t; I never wanted or tried to be popular (those girls were mean and I never wanted to be a part of that) I just wanted to stop being bullied; I just wanted to be left alone. In Church yesterday they were also blessing throats and for other illnesses for the Feast Day of St. Blaise so I waited in line and went up for blessing as I need all the help I can get,and it worried me after Buddy did a shit as well and I wiped his ass ( because I don’t want skid marks on the furniture!) there was alot of blood but he seems ok otherwise and still eating so hopefully it was just something that he ate and nothing serious….

In Church we also had a reading from Job and it described me and my life and how I feel exactly:

“Is not all human life a struggle?
Our lives are like that of a hired hand,
like a worker who longs for the shade,
like a servant waiting to be paid.
I, too, have been assigned months of futility,
long and weary nights of misery.
Lying in bed, I think, ‘When will it be morning?’
But the night drags on, and I toss till dawn.
My body is covered with maggots and scabs.
My skin breaks open, oozing with pus.
Job Cries Out to God
“My days fly faster than a weaver’s shuttle.
They end without hope.
O God, remember that my life is but a breath,
and I will never again feel happiness.
Job 7: 1-7

I Got Nothing.

Hippo I really can’t think of anything to post about today so here’s a hippo instead.

The only thing I have is there’s this man and woman in church I always see and I saw them in Wal-Mart so I told her I recognized them from church and I asked if they were twins because they look so much alike, almost identical in fact, but she look horrified, and recoiled,and goes, Oh, noooo! and then backed away ,slowly inching away from me. I guess they’re married but I thought they were brother and sister due to the resemblance and now I’m so embarrassed. I finally get the courage to go talk to someone and I end up saying something stupid. I always mess things up.  Well, don’t they say after years together couples do start to look alike though, so it’s not that bad…. I always feel so stupid and always say the wrong things…..such a f*ck up, and Asperger’s and social phobia really sucks!

My tattoo’s also starting to really itch now as it scabs up and heals and peels, and I had 2 “profound” (well, profound for me,anyway) thoughts as well: If there’s the Internet how come there isn’t also an Outernet,and I also realized that Saturday has the word turd in it, so it’s actually Saturday! 😀


Happy Daze.

Screen Shot 01-17-18 at 07.09 PM This makes me happy. Sunflowers always put a smile on my face and I was sad to see that the house on the way to church that always has the sunflowers every year is now empty with a Dumpster in the driveway so the people are gone and there won’t be any more sunflowers anymore for me to enjoy. My beauty’s been taken away. The 14 year old gleefully laughed and said it’s “karma” because she’s mean that way and likes to see me upset. That’s just how my family is; they’re toxic and delight in my misery, unhappiness,and suffering. Between the way they emotionally abuse and bully me, all my medical issues, having no love or support, and struggling financially, along with the brokenness and damage from a life filled with abuse, trauma, rejection, bullying, misery, tragedy, suffering, pain,and always feeling unloved, unworthy, worthless, and a failure with no hope for it ever getting any better or any way of escape I just can’t take it anymore or keep doing this.I just want out. I don’t feel like I’m giving up, but rather I know when I’ve had enough and I know when it’s time to let go.

I went to Confession yesterday and the priest was sympathetic and kind, and showed more care and compassion for me than my own family ever has. He said that suicidal feelings aren’t a sin and it’s understandable considering my situation where I feel frustrated and trapped and he said he wished there was more he could do for me so I asked him to pray for me and he said that he would. Yesterday was particularly bad as well as it pretty much summed up how toxic and shitty my family really is and how truly sick it really is how they seem to get “off” in tormenting and mocking me.

My hubby refuses to call Buddy by his name and only ever refers to him and addresses him as Dog and I just don’t get it and when I asked him to explain it to me he outright refused and stubbornly just stood there, glaring at me, and smirked, It’s on a need-to-know basis and you don’t need to know. What the f*ck? My mother also tried to kick him because he got into the garbage and was, well, just acting like a dog, and she said he’s a “nuisance” and just to be mean when she walked by she purposely stepped on his fave. toy causing it to emit a pitiful wail, just to upset him,and even threatened to leave the door open one day so that he’ll run away! She just doesn’t like him because he doesn’t like the 10 YR old (who she coddles and is obsessed with!) and that’s only because he constantly teases,aggravates,and provokes him, and I also added, You don’t like him either because you don’t like it that someone actually loves me and she said, I don’t care if anyone loves you; I don’t like it that he only loves you and not anyone else! but in actual fact he likes everyone except her and the 10 YR old because they’re mean to him!

Someone also sabotaged my iPod (usually it’s my computer) by putting a Hitler anthem on it and I couldn’t figure out how to delete it and I spent over 25 minutes trying to figure it out and I couldn’t and I asked my hubby, the 14 and 16 YR olds to help me but they wouldn’t and the girls kept making fun of me for it,too, and the 16 YR old mocked saying, I’m autistic! I can only do one thing! and they laughed and said I can’t do it because of my weed when in actual fact it’s because I’m stupid and old and I just don’t get all that technology stuff. My hubby eventually did do it and it just took him a couple of seconds to figure it out. I hate myself for being so dumb and I hate my family for always making fun of me and making me feel like shit.

So, I try to think of and remember happy days, happy times, happy moments in my life, and happy memories, which include friends, visiting relatives, travelling, my dogs I loved, the YMCA group, camp, my happy childhood, living in the city, playing Barbies and collecting Barbie stickers for our sticker books with my friend N in grade 6, skating and hanging out at the park and the French fry joint with D in grade 7 and 8, that time my BFF S and I in grade 7 walked our dogs and went to the store and bought huge tubs each of chocolate mint ice cream and rested under a tree as it was really hot and her ice cream melted and the lid popped off and it fell over onto the grass and had grass stuck to it and it was just so hilariously funny we kept cracking up, the time J and her mother and brother were with us on our veranda on a May weekend in grade 8 and it was just so perfect, and we felt like family and I felt like I belonged, and the time I went on a picnic and swimming in Highland Creek with I and her family, the time in grade 10 my friends A, A, and R and I climbed out the classroom window and sat out on the roof on a nice spring day and had our lunch, when H brought me back an orange piggy bank from her trip when I was 4-5, the multi-colour velvet pillow my fave. sitter Mrs. A made me for Christmas and the best Mac& cheese ever that she made home-made for my lunches,(and most of my sitters were either drunk or abusive so this really meant alot), shopping at the Beverly Center in L.A when I was 16 and 17 when we went on trips there and moved there, riding horses bareback as a kid galloping thru the field, feeling so free, being on the beach in the Caribbean, etc… these are the things I try to remember and hold on to to cheer my heart….I only wish that I could forget about the rest, all of the traumatic, hurtful, painful memories that keep tearing me down. I just want to be happy again but I don’t see any hope things will ever get any better or that I’ll ever have the opportunity to escape this toxic environment that’s destroyed my soul. My spirit has died.