My First Child.

Screen Shot 08-13-17 at 08.27 AM  I can’t believe that my oldest will be 28 in 2 more months.That’s older than me when he was born. I was 22, just 3 months away from turning 23. Here he is around age 14. It was a special experience raising him, partly because he was my first child so everything was new and it was a new and exciting adventure and also because he was such a good baby and a good little kid and so smart and so easy, so it was a joy raising him. I really enjoyed raising him and it was fun. I’m so lucky,and so glad, that he was my first. Others that followed some have been really difficult; difficult to feed, criers, screamers, fussy, defiant, destructive,colicky, …..but not him, even as a baby he would eat well, quickly, and with gusto, and go back to sleep and wake up right on time for his next feeding, and I’m lucky that the first one was one of the easy ones. God knew what He was doing.

I still remember the surprise when the pregnancy test stick turned blue, and back then you had to do a series of 3 steps and wait 30 minutes for the result to show up so it was really nerve-wracking.The first time I tried though it came up negative, so it must have been too early. I was surprised, It actually worked! We made a baby! I have a little human being inside me! I just couldn’t believe it! Working with God we created life! Then when I felt and saw him moving around inside me it was just magical, and when I left the hospital after his birth (back then I had to stay in 3 days) I remember thinking, I can’t believe I actually get to take him home with me! and I was full of so much excitement for this new adventure, and he didn’t disappoint.

Every milestone with him was special because he was my first and I was learning as I went along but he made it so fun and so easy that even the rigorous demands of a newborn( the constant feedings, getting up during the night, being sleep deprived and exhausted,etc..) were enjoyable because he was just so good and such a delight and it was such a wonder watching him grow and develop. It was a blessing and a gift that I got to raise him and it was such an amazing experience. He turned out ok too so I guess I must have done something right. He was sort of like our “experiment” being the first, but luckily he came thru it unscathed. I really enjoyed raising him.

As well, my mother and the 22 YR old went to a local  rib fest and they only had 5 vendors, not like in Toronto where they have lots, but I didn’t go as I can’t walk that far and my hubby was too busy to drive, and it was really redneck anyway; they also had beer, cornbread and beans and had a mechanical bull! Buddy seems better now too; he’s eating again and more lively, so maybe he just had a virus or an  upset stomach or something, and my hubby said he could drive me to church yesterday too but he didn’t, so I had to walk and then I saw him drive right by me as I was walking…..and he never even stopped to pick me up along the way and I was soooo pissed off and he never even picked me up after,either,and I felt dizzy and faint all day…..and it was a special Mass as well with the Archbishop ( the same one who Confirmed me all those years ago; he’s been there for decades) and 10 priests, incl. the one who was here when we first moved here….and  the Grumpy Old Fart,too! It was really beautiful and inspirational, the kind of thing that gives me goosebumps.


Screen Shot 08-05-17 at 06.57 PM This is the 16 YR old in her Zelda cosplay costume that she made entirely herself (except for the wig, which she ordered) for this year’s Fan Expo. She designed and sewed it all herself and even made the elf ears! I think it turned out really well and she did a good job. All the kids and my hubby make their costumes for it and they said that it’s sort of a rule; you have to make your own costume; it’s kind of like “cheating” it you buy one, and that making it is half the fun. She’s the first one to finish, and the 14 YR old’s almost done, with my hubby going to be the last-minute one as usual, likely just putting the last stitch in the morning of the event, as they’re rushing out the door… I still remember the one year the 19 YR old’s wig just arrived in the mail that same morning, just minutes before they were to leave for Toronto. Talk about last minute! They get so excited about Fan Expo; it’s like the highlight of their year, but I don’t see what the big deal is and never got into it. Oh, well. Everyone has different interests.

I also smelled a skunk during the night(I had my window open) and it was soooo bad it woke me up and I’d thought that Buddy had actually done a gross diarrhrea on my bedroom carpet it was so strong, but when I got up I checked and there was nothing there…and then later my mother told me that she smelled skunk last night,too, so it must have been on our front porch or something. Man, it was brutal.

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Finally after over a month our pool water is clear and blue at long last,too! The trick was when we “shock” it 1-2 times a week ( dump liquid chlorine in) instead of just putting the usual 1 jug in we hit it with 4 jugs at a time, and that did it; it just took time. Finally! At last! In church they also had orange roses on the altar and they are another of my fave. flowers along with lilacs and sunflowers, esp. the mini “sweetheart” ones,and I still remember my aunt having them around, which is probably where I first started liking them from, and we have our new priest now as well but he wasn’t at the evening Mass I went to but he was at the morning one the girls went to and he’s young; in his 30’s, but I never got to see him yet, but hopefully soon…. I also had to walk to church again because my hubby was busy. It seems to be the new norm now.

The thought also occurred to me that since I’m such an ugly-looking woman that maybe I would have been better off being a guy, maybe then I would have at least been better looking and made a better-looking guy, esp. with my long face and masculine features, and big build, and I look like a guy in “drag” anyway, and if it weren’t for the fact that I have boobs people would probably think I was a dude. I wonder if I even have some male hormones? It might explain my manly features….shit…. even drag queens looks more feminine and prettier than I ever will.

Soft Gels.

Screen Shot 07-30-17 at 12.45 PM I couldn’t resist…. I ordered the cannabis oil soft gels, the gummies, the chewies….esp. since when I went to the website they said it was only available for a limited time only. I just have to try them! With taxes and shipping it ended up being 63 $ which isn’t bad as the cannabis oil I normally order costs 90$, but 100$ when you add in taxes and shipping. There’s only 15 pills in the bottle though but you only take 1 at a time and they said it lasts for 6 hours or so, and I only use it twice a week, and if I combine it with the cannabis oil I take using the dropper I could do the gummies once a week and the dropper once a week, so that way they’d last longer, 15 weeks, which is almost 4 months. I’m always trying to “ration” things out like that and “stretch” them as far as I can to make them last longer and get the most for my money. It should arrive in 1-2 days and I can’t wait to try them! They likely don’t taste too good though; probably like weed like the cannabis oil does, a strong, pungent flavour, but medicine doesn’t usually taste good, except for those yummy Flintstone vitamins I had as a kid,and the orange Triaminic liquid allergy medicine I had as a kid,too, which was really yummy. The worst medicine I ever had was Buckley’s cough syrup which tasted like a combination of cat piss, Varsol, battery acid, Pinesol, turpentine, and Vick’s Vapo Rub.

It also started to thunderstorm with torrential rain, thunder,and lightening just  10 minutes before I had to walk to church(and I don’t even have an umbrella, either!) and the humidex was 32 C as well so I prayed….and prayed….and prayed for it to let up….and it did, literally a minute before it was time for me to leave; it stopped raining and was just thunder so I could get to church ok, and because it has stormed it had cooled it down as well and then my hubby was back in time to drive me home afterwards once it got really humid again. It never ceases to amaze me how God answers prayer, and how much He cares for us and provides for us, and that out of billions of people that He cares enough for me as just one insignificant individual, one little speck on Earth, a reminder that we are all precious to Him and that He cares about each and every one of us. There are no coincidences, only God’s works, intervention, and miracles..

It was also so hot that after just 2 hours in the sun I felt like I was starting to get heatstroke and my entire shirt was wet soaked with sweat and my body was telling me Get inside to the shade and cool down right away! and I also felt all sweaty and restless like I was going to faint in church, and it was the Grumpy Old Fart’s last day as well and they had envelopes to collect money to give him as a “gift of appreciation” and I was tempted to just put a penny in (and then he’d spend forever wondering who put that penny in there and never be able to figure it out) but decided against it as that would just be too mean. I’m not sad to see him go though. He’s been here 4 years and we get our new priest next week. My hubby was also at a bridge tournament and he said that Bill Gates and Warren Buffet (who played as partners) were there playing as well! How cool is that, being there with 2 of the richest people in the world? The only one missing was the Sultan Of Brunei! 😀


New Bikes.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 07.57 AM 002 The 14 and 16 YR olds got new bikes, pictured here. Sorry the photo isn’t better; I tried to get it on my iPod but something went wrong and it ended up being a video instead and I didn’t know how to fix it so I just got a photo off the video, so this is what you get. They also got new helmets because they can’t find their old ones and it’s easier to just go out and buy new ones than to look in our messy cluttered house to try and find anything. Hopefully going on bike rides will put a smile back on the 14 YR old’s face. She still continues to be disrespectful to me,too, such as when I asked her at meal time, Who do you want to sit with you? and she snarled, Not you! Now, go away! This is how I get treated and talked to all the time. Also the 16 YR old gave her word she would cut the grass on the weekend( and it really needs it!) and then changed her mind and it never got done so I was mad and she talked back to me in a sassy tone, You can shut-up now, Oldie! You’re soooo annoying! Now bye!” and flounced off when I told her I’ll just give the job to someone else then; I don’t care who does it as long as it gets done. She has such attitude!

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 08.28 AM This is also the adorable Jack Russel Terrier puppy that my cousin bought for his son…..and he paid 3000$ for it, too! Isn’t it just the cutest, sweetest little thing though? He was kind to me as well telling me that I am worth loving and that life is worth living and said don’t let anyone tell you different, so not everyone in my family hates me, tears me down,and treats me like shit and makes me feel worthless, just my mother, hubby,and kids, and I pray to God every day that He sends me someone to show me that life is worth living and that I am  worth loving. Sometimes it just gets soooo hard to keep holding on though but I find when the suicidal thoughts do come that weed calms me and takes those feelings away temporarily as I float away and escape for a few HRS, but I hope to get away for good, to just walk away and never look back. I need a new life. I can’t just pick up and leave though; it’s not that easy; where would I go? I don’t have any $$$$ and nowhere to go… my hubby says I could just be homeless and live in the street but come on; I do have some standards! I want to get away from this toxic environment but I also want to be safe!

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This is also our funny new pool floatie: it’s a pizza! They also had beachballs with pizza but they were 20$ so we just bought a beachball for 99 cents because we’re cheap like that, and the pool water turned the 14 YR old’s hair green, and the 16 YR old almost accidently drowned Buddy as well; she threw him in the pool and he stopped swimming and started to go under and I had to grab him by the neck ( the only thing I could reach) and pull him out. The poor dog was just so scared. My hubby also went back to Toronto for the weekend(so guess who had to walk to church again?) and he brought back the second-oldest who’s staying visiting for a few days she has off work.

My mother also got a 45 $ bill for the ambulance, and I wonder if because it wasn’t really an emergency and wonder if it was, like for a heart attack, stroke, shooting, stabbing, car accident, etc.. if they’d still charge you for it or not, and the taxi would have only been 7$ or so…..see, I told her she should have taken a taxi….and now she has to find 45$ somewhere to pay it, a cousin in Europe said he had an earthquake there, and while out walking Buddy I felt like I was going to faint too and I really didn’t think I was going to make it and was afraid I was going to pass out before I got home but I made it ok. The stress in my life is killing me. I also got my fave. priest in church yesterday so I went to Confession so if I die now I’ll go to Heaven as I’m in a state of grace, and he said I’m not unlovable or worthless like my family thinks and makes me feel either because God created me and put me on this Earth for a purpose.(and I know He loves me even if no one else does) I just wish I knew what it was.

Avoiding Conflict.

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Even though my family is constantly putting me down, hassling me, mocking me, insulting me, degrading me, etc. I do n’t purposely provoke attack, or incite conflict, and in, fact. I want to avoid it! I try to avoid situations that I know might cause tension or conflict, for example. If I know something will set someone off then I won’t do it or say it. Some things are also just best ignored, such as when I jokingly said about  an elderly lady  the 16 YR old was baking brownies for, I’ve got a special brownie recipe she’ll really like! and she huffed, No one cares about your stupid weed, you drug addict!  ( so now somehow medical marijuana twice a week makes me a drug addict?) As you can see, my family treats me like shit and so what I’ve decided to do is mainly just try to simply avoid the worst offenders, just stay away from them, have as little inter-action with them as possible, don’t talk to them unless you really have to, have as little contact with them as possible, avoiding conflict. I figure if I stay away from the most toxic people, the ones that know what buttons to push, that mistreat me the worst, that hurt me the most, that goad me and provoke me, that demean, degrade and disrespect me, etc… It’ll be better for my emotional health and well-being if I just stay away the most from the ones that treat me the worst!

Hopefully avoidance will prevent alot of conflict, arguing, situations, fighting, yelling, disrespect, cruel names, insults, etc. If I don’t see whoever it is that’s most likely to put me down, call me a name, or devalue me and make me feel worthless or wound my heart  in any way and cause the conflict in the first place, then there will be alot less stress in my life! Speaking of which, my hubby’s still going to be staying in Toronto the entire month even though the 14 YR old’s camp’s only 2 weeks and not 4 weeks afterall like we originally thought because she decided to switch programs and this one was only 2 weeks. So I still get a break from him for most of the month but the thought occurred to me when I wondered why he’s still staying there for 2 more weeks even after her camp’s over and she’s now back home, I wonder if he has a mistress there? I’ve been wondering for awhile, actually, esp. since he started working out exercising every day, and stop drinking Pepsi all of a sudden, like he’s trying to “impress” someone…and he also has to be getting IT from somewhere because he’s not getting it from me; he hasn’t touched me in YRS…it really wouldn’t surprise me….my only thoughts are….I’m just glad I still get those 2 weeks with him gone…

My hubby was also back yesterday yet he still couldn’t take the time to drive me to church for 5 minutes even though it was supposed to storm and I have walked for the past 3 weeks but he was too busy so I walked but luckily God sent a breeze so I wasn’t too hot, and I also saw a sunflower in a garden along the way as I was walking and I saw a man pushing his wife in a wheelchair and he was so gentle with her and talking to her lovingly and it was just so sweet to see and I could only imagine if it were me and I was in a wheelchair my hubby would probably push me down the stairs! The more couples I see showing kindness and love the more I really see how I really am mistreated and abused. 😦

Every time I do or say something deemed “stupid”(which apparantly is alot) the 14 and 16 YR old’s insultingly say about me, She must be on her weed! and they “roll” their eyes and most of the time I don’t even have a clue what I did; what my transgression even was, and my family just makes me feel so worthless, so unlovable so useless, I’m now convinced that no one can love me ( other than my dog) even though I still do crave human connection, and I pray to God He sends me someone to love me, to show me I am worthy, and deserving, of love in one form or another , whether a romance, a friend, or a mentor….someone to come into my life and show me that they love me; that there really is someone out there who loves me and can love me. That I am loveable……to someone.

Ethnic Festival And The ER.

Screen Shot 07-09-17 at 03.11 PM I went to a local ethnic festival where they had 11 food vendors from various countries and I got Tibetan momos and noodles. They had less vendors selling wares than they usually do though but on the way home I stopped off shopping and found this ring( pictured here) I’d wanted for a long time and even better,too: I got it 61% off! Woo-hoo! I also got a pair of funky shorts(since I lost 42 pounds and have none that fit this summer) at American Eagle that are denim with different colours, rips and frayed.I always buy men’s shorts as with my wide girth they fit better plus they tend to be longer than the women’s which are always way too short and slutty  and show your ass-cheeks hanging out.I didn’t get a photo of the shorts though as my iPod was full and it wouldn’t let me take any more photos and I can’t figure out how to delete stuff because I’m dumb like that and have to get the 10 YR old to help me. As he was scrolling thru my photos he saw some of me and he remarked, You’re so ugly!” too to which I replied, I know… and I know it’s true but it still made my heart sad even so because kids are honest and they tell the truth and point out the obvious in a not-so-tactful way but tends to hurts people’s feelings.

My mother also went to the ER as her BP was really low, it was 87/58(normal is 120/80) and she was dizzy. She was scared she was going to die esp. as it kept steadily dropping thru the day but I figured she was probably just dehydrated or something, perhaps even due to her diuretic , but they did an x-ray, ECG,and bloodwork and it all came back ok, she just has a slight fever so they think she’s coming down with something and gave her a prescription for Tamiflu, which cost 50$ and she has no coverage for meds, either! If it were me, I think I’d rather have the Flu than pay 50$! I could tell she was really nervous, scared,and worried, too, and I offered her some of my weed and told her, You won’t have any anxiety or worry for a few hours…. but she declined. Even though we don’t get along I still don’t want her to die, but she’s turning 76 tomorrow and every now and then the thought does cross my mind because she is getting “up” there and it’s a real possibility any time now even though I don’t want to think about it……

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This is also the cool glass hippo the 22 YR old brought me back from California. He said he found it at an antique shop. Isn’t it neat? I heard a gunshot outside my bedroom window last night as well and it freaked out poor Buddy who was shaking and scared and ran and hid under the bed and I was trying to comfort him, It’s just a gunshot,don’t worry, you’re ok… and then realized what I’d said, just a gunshot…. as if it were no big thing….sadly this is the world we now live in… and I made up a new word,too: forkage: we can never find clean forks so when there are clean ones in the utensil drawer I exclaim, We have forkage!  The 16 YR old also painted Buddy’s nails a bright pink so now the poor dog won’t be able to show his face in public.

In church yesterday I got sudden cramps and diarrhrea as well and barely made it to the bathroom on time, and it bothered me how the priest was saying that any religion other than ours is “false” religion, incl. Islam and even Prostestantism, even though they’re even fellow Christians, and he said that even if family members and other loved ones have “certain lifestyles” incl. being gay or joining another religion that even though we continue to love them that doesn’t mean that we agree with them, support them, condone them, or approve, and I would never disown my kids for being gay or be upset if they went to another church(I’m upset if they don’t go to any church at all), and I  don’t believe that there’s only one true religion to the exclusion of all others, and I think that God accepts anyone of good faith and that there are many paths to God(and when you get right down to it, the Bible says that the Jews are actually God’s chosen people) .The Islamic Society also had an info booth at the ethnic festival to teach and inform people the truth about their religion( other religions did as well) which I think is a good idea as people fear what they don’t understand and there are alot of misconceptions out there, such as people wrongly thinking they’re all terrorists when in actual fact it’s just a few extremists(and the media)that unfortunately make them all look bad, just like the pedophile priests; they’re just a small minority, something like just 1-2% but they give them all a bad name, and that’s not fair.

The Duck.

Screen Shot 07-02-17 at 07.05 PM Yesterday my hubby, the 14 YR old, the 21 YR old,and the second-oldest saw this huge floating inflatable rubber duck on display at Harbourfront in Toronto. It’s  massive, 6 stories high! This photo here was taken by my friend I (from grade 8) who also went to see it. It’s touring all around the province this summer as a sort of tourist attraction thing, a couple of days at a time in each place before moving on to the next city or town. I saw it on the news,only from the inside, and it looked like a bouncy castle and like the Pokemon Pikachu from the inside and they said it takes 4 HRS to inflate. Alot of people are protesting at the cost though; the Ontario gov’t paid a massive 150 000$ just to rent it for the summer, saying it’s a good investment as it draws tourism for the province, but I agree that the money could have been much better spent on more important things such as foodbanks, homeless shelters, etc. Sure a gigantic duck is cool, but I don’t think it’s worth 150 000$! Just more wasteful gov’t spending…and it’s our tax dollars, too!

I could also hear the loud fireworks for Canada Day, which continue on all long holiday weekend, and it scared the bejesus out of poor Buddy, who alternated between whimpering and hiding under my bed and shaking and trembling in fear and jumping back up in bed and snuggling with me for comfort. On Saturday night I’d still had the effects of my weed and forgot about the fireworks and at first thought it was the end of the world, you know, like ARMAGEDDON, and I thought  the loud booms were fire falling from the sky and then I thought maybe we’re under attack,esp. as the nearby town is our rival,and it sounded like those TV news reports from the wars in Iraq and Syria when you can hear bombing and mortar fire in the distance, but then I realized what it was, ha, ha,  I’m so dumb.

I was lucky walking to church as well; it rained in-between; while I was in church but not while I was walking there and back, and it made me sad as well the old lady I talk to in church wished me a Happy New year and I replied, You,too, not wanting to embarrass her, but she must be going senile and it was just so sad, and with the 14 YR old away at camp and my hubby in Toronto for most of July I certainly don’t miss being told to shut-up! every time I speak, or my hubby always being condescending and belittling, and it felt so leisurely as well not having to always check what time it is for the 14 YR old’s meals and snacks for her weight restoration and not having to think of and prepare her meals and snacks every 2 HRS but I was just able to do whatever on my own time without having to watch the clock and interrupt or keep track of the time; I could just come and go and not have to stick to any schedule and it was so nice. It also made the day feel like it was going by slower and at a calmer, more leisurely pace.