Occult Symbols.

Screen Shot 10-15-17 at 07.22 PM The 16 YR old baked cookies with an occult symbol on them( seen here) even though she knows nothing occult is allowed in the house out of respect for God as this is a Christian home and the Bible says you have to choose to follow God or Satan; you can’t follow both, and we are also told to avoid everything to do with the occult, incl. Hallowe’en (Satan’s Day) and any occult symbols such as the Jack ‘O Lantern yet she continues to defy me and she also had this glittery Jack ‘O Lantern occult decoration in her room as well and she said was for a friend, for her birthday( yeah, like I haven’t heard that one before, as in, My friend needs advice,  or I’m just holding them  for a friend… yeah…..right…) so I told her in that case then to just put it in a bag and hide it away somewhere until her birthday and then give it to her but we are not to display any thing occult or have any occult symbols in this house, and if they do then I will get rid of them,and she was really mouthy, snotty, and talking back, being really defiant and disrespectful, and saying she’ll “throw out Jesus” then, etc. and snarking that it’s just my rule, no one else cares….what, so if it’s just me then it’s just to be ignored, defied,disobeyed, dismissed, who cares? I don’t think so, you little brat, and I told her if she brings in any more occult things I’m taking her phone away. I’m really tired of her and her attitude and one thing I will not tolerate is blasphemy.

I don’t think they realize(or care) how symbols have great significance and meaning, how powerful they are, what they represent, and why it’s so important to keep our home free from any occult influences. Think about the Swastika, for example, or the Confederate or the ISIS flags; what comes to mind when you see them? They symbolize something; something bad, not something you’d be proud to be associated with or would want to proudly display in your home. It’s the same way with the occult. It’s like inviting demons into your home! We don’t have many rules and this isn’t asking too much and as long as they live here, they obey the rules. The kids have broken me and beaten me down now to the point where I’ve all but given up and I have no authority, say,respect, and they just laugh in my face and ignore me and just do whatever they want while mocking me, but this is something that I will never back down on; when it comes to spiritual matters; I will not allow them to disrespect God or to bring the occult into our home.They will never take my faith from me.

The 22 YR old also kept coming into my room during the night trying to kidnap Buddy and I kept waking up so I didn’t sleep well (he’s just sooooo annoying) and my mother announced we will be moving next summer and she wants to get a bungalow as she can’t go up and down the stairs,and I have a hard time,too, but I hate bungalows, but hopefully I’ll be dead by then anyway and I won’t have to worry about it, and I should get my biopsy results this week,too, and she said they only call if something shows up so no news is good news and if they call then you know they found something. The main reason my mother and hubby said they want to move(as well as downsizing now we have less kids at home) is also to force the 22 YR old out to get his own place as he’s still living here at home and refuses to leave but when we move he has to move out, which I think is a mean tactic, but that’s what Patti also did to get her son to move out,too; she  just moved.

The leaking roof is even worse now as well and now I can see it leaking in 3 spots and we had alot of rain and now it’s soaked the towels we put on the floor to absorb the water, and the heavy rain and 100 km winds were really bad but luckily it was while I was at church and in-between when I had to walk there and back so it wasn’t raining while I was walking, and I know that was God looking out for me. Others would deny it and say it was just coincidence or just luck but I know better. I have faith and I know He answers prayer and cares about His faithful people. I know He cares about me and takes care of me and watches over me and that He loves me even when no one else does and that He must see something in me no one else does because even though my family makes me feel unlovable I still matter to God. I also have this suspicious feeling that the kids don’t really go to church Sunday mornings either but probably just walk over to Tim Horton’s or something and hang out there instead and just say they went to church. Someday I should go over there and spy on them just to have the satisfaction of catching them in the act…. I’d just love to see the look on their faces…..



The Roof.

Screen Shot 10-14-17 at 07.09 PM We found out the roof in the kitchen is leaking. The 22 YR old did,actually. For awhile now(it must be a couple of months now anyway, since summer) every now and then( and we have since figured out it must be every time it rains) we notice big puddles of water on the kitchen floor by the back door near the washing machine and dishwasher and we have to soak it up with towels there’s so much and we always just assumed it must be either the dishwasher or the washing machine leaking, but then we later found out the mice had chewed thru the wires in the dishwasher and it no longer works so we figured it must be the washing machine….but then…


The 22 YR old must have been standing right in the precise location right under the leak in the roof at just the right time during the rain because he noticed water dripping on him from the ceiling in the kitchen and when you look up you can see some peeling paint and a brownish discoloured area so a leak makes sense and part of the roof is above the kitchen but the problem is that roofers  charge a fortune which we can’t afford, at least not without taking out another loan, which would end up being something like our fifth or sixth, as whenever there’s some sort of emergency repair that’s the only way we can get the $$$$ for it, so now our do-it-yourself repair solution is we put a bucket on the kitchen floor below the leak and now it catches the drips so the floor’s not flooded. My mother’s worried now how can we sell the house and I said just make sure when we show the prospective buyers that it’s not raining that day….and hide the bucket.

As well, my hubby said I could have gone to church yesterday evening as he could have driven me instead of today as he has to work and it’s supposed to storm today and I have to walk in the rain so I was all set to go but then at 2 pm I all of a sudden got this massive headache(I’m convinced is connected to when I fainted and fell and hit my head earlier) and I was really dizzy with it too( which was noticeable when I’d taken Buddy out for his walk and I could barely stand) so I never ended up going as I knew there was no way I could stand in church feeling like that; I’d pass out, and I’d already taken my weed earlier, at 8 am (Wake and Bake!) thinking I was going to church later on in the day so it would give it time to wear off before I went so by the time the headache came at 2 pm it had already worn off so I couldn’t even take my weed to get rid of it because I’d already had it. It probably worked out for the best too as my hubby very well could have just been setting me up,too; just saying he was going to take me just to have me get all dressed up and ready and set to go and then just not  show up, just to sabotage me, to piss me off…..either way I wasn’t able to go anyway so it didn’t matter…

Why Wait?

Screen Shot 10-07-17 at 08.27 AM I was thinking if the biopsy of my polyp and colon lining turns out I do have cancer afterall, which is what I actually expect considering the rectal bleeding, massive weight loss, diarrhrea, abdomenal pain, polyp, and family history of colon cancer, I’ve decided before I die things I’d like to do to enjoy what time I do have left incl. renting a Mustang or SmartCar and driving to Toronto to see my old house and spend a day in my old neighbourhood, going to the nail salon and having a French Manicure, going to Jamaica and being back in the Caribbean in my fave. place on the beach watching the sunset, etc, things I love and enjoy and that make me happy, and then the thought occurred to me….why wait? Why have to wait until I’m dying before I do these things? Why can’t I just do them now regardless, other than for financial reasons, esp. the Jamaica trip; if it’s going to bring some joy and happiness into my life why should I have to wait until my life is ending and almost over before I do the things I love? Why shouldn’t I be doing them all along, all thru my life? Why save it all up and wait until the end? Why not try and enjoy living right now,too, in the moment?

I also decided if it turns out a false alarm and I don’t have cancer (and if I don’t then my hubby probably really is poisoning me afterall as that would also explain my symptoms and deterioration over the past months; the drastic weight loss, abdomenal pain, bleeding, diarrhrea, feeling tired, run-down, listless, and drained…) then maybe it’s a chance to start over again, a new life, a second chance, to find happiness , independence,and freedom in my life like I’ve always wanted but always seem to be held back and prevented from. Perhaps I can maybe even try to get a driver’s license like I’ve always wished I had but never attempted due to my perception problem? Maybe I can attempt a driving course and get my license which would afford me more freedom and independence and I could just take off on the open road, windows open, music blaring, with the wind in my hair, I’d feel so free…. I pray to God either way to give me the strength ,guidance,direction,means,courage,and ability that I need to make the necessary changes and to start over again and to find happiness one way or the other. I’ve given up on ever finding love but maybe I can at least find some happiness, freedom, independence, and peace in some way, whether I die soon and find joy in Heaven or am somehow able to break free of this toxic environment and start over with a new beginning somehow because I’ve reached a point now where I’ve just had enough and  I just don’t give a f*ck anymore and just want to walk away and never look back. I’m just so done.

I woke up with a bad headache as well incl. stabbing pain behind my right eye and I’ve had a headache ever since I fainted and hit my head a week and a half ago(but it finally doesn’t hurt anymore unless I touch it now) so it may or may not be related, and in church before Mass we were reciting the Rosary and for a few seconds there wires must have crossed in my head or something because I suddenly didn’t understand the words and what everyone was saying in unison sounded like jibberish (and I also felt really sweaty) even though this is something I know by heart and then it was ok,  and I hadn’t heard the John Fogerty song The Old Man Down The Road in something like 35 years and I’m glad since I hate that song and I find it really annoying and it bugs me but lately all of a sudden I keep hearing it on the radio alot and so it makes me wonder if it’s trying to tell me something in the lyrics perhaps, but the only thing I could possibly see in it is where it says  about gotta run, gotta hide… that’s most of my life; running and hiding, fleeing danger so I wonder if there’s yet another  danger just ahead…great….that’s all we need!

My hubby and the 14 YR old were also hassling me about Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) because I don’t celebrate it and they like to taunt me about it so I just walked away and left the room, trying to avoid conflict and not give them the satisfaction. I don’t need this and I’m not putting up with their shit. I’ve had enough. Ignore the assholes. Just consider where it comes from. They’re not worth it. My mother had also asked my hubby to bring up the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner upstairs from the freezer as both her and I get out of breath going up and down stairs and of course he forgot and didn’t and then he went out so she grumbled that she had to do it and I told her just to have the 10 YR old do it; he’s young and strong and goes up and down the stairs all the time and this is something that he is capable of doing and can do to help but she would have none of it; he’s her little precious and she doesn’t dare want him doing any WORK,and when I asked her why she doesn’t want him to she sniffled, I just don’t!…. yet then complained how now she had to do it and how exhausted she was and how she always has to pick up the slack,etc, playing the victim and martyr when really it’s her own doing; she just makes more work for herself when she doesn’t have to and then complains about it!

The Sapling.

Screen Shot 09-17-17 at 01.34 PM 001 This is a little tree sapling that I noticed is starting to grow in our backyard but it can’t stay where it is though because it’s situated right in front of our back porch steps so what I’m going to try and do is dig it up and transplant it elsewhere, to a more suitable location, and hope it survives the move. This little baby sapling sort of reminds me of myself,too;there it is, all alone, separate from any other trees, all alone out there on it’s own, in a place you’d never expect, against all odds, thriving in adverse conditions, despite it’s precarious location so close to the stairs and the high risk of being trampled there it is and continues to grow and survive; it’s strong and sturdy and perseveres in a place it doesn’t belong, where it shouldn’t be, yet there it is, pushing thru, holding on, managing to survive and grow, to survive the storms. It’s like me and my life. I’m like the little sapling, and despite the odds against it, I survive.

As well, the 18 YR old’s journalism professor told her that she’s the best writer in the class, so she continues to excel, and she’s made alot of friends already but pretty people like her have the advantage that way; it’s so easy for them to fit in, make friends, socialize,and be popular; life just seems to unfold and open up so easily for them (it’s the opposite for me) and her BF comes up and visits her every weekend, and he lives in a town an hour or so away from Ottawa. I think that’s just so romantic and sweet,and he’s also probably worried some other guy in school might steal her away and he has to keep a close eye on his woman! 😀

My friend L’s (from grade 10) father also died yesterday, and he had been sick and in the hospital for awhile, and Buddy was missing for awhile,too,and I couldn’t find him anywhere and I was frantic with worry; he didn’t come when I called either or bark to let me know where he was and I was worried that he’d gotten out and loose and ran away or maybe got stuck somewhere and died…as it turned out he was after a mouse and he’d burrowed under a pile of crap and clutter chasing it and he was buried and hidden underneath it all and I couldn’t see him! I was really worried though and we were all looking all over for him, calling him, not knowing where he was.

My hubby was late picking me up from church as well and as I was starting to walk home and crossed at the crosswalk this car comes racing thru the red light but luckily I knew it wasn’t going to stop (and it went right thru the crosswalk) so I waited for it to go by before I crossed and normally I’d give them the Up Yours! and yell something like asshole! or f*cker! but I refrained since I’d just come out of church, and  my hubby said I should just mooch a ride off someone else as he has things to do (and he can’t be bothered to take the 2 minutes to drive me)…..yeah…incl. driving me to church,that’s one of the things he has to do, and for all we know I could very well have cancer ravaging thru my body and he makes me walk?


Screen Shot 09-16-17 at 08.19 AM I noticed on the church bulletin that funeral Masses cost 300$ but if you just have a Mass said for your intention,say like for your soul, then it’s only 20$ so I’ll probably end up going with that option because it saves $$$$. I can’t even afford to die. My God, I’m so cheap, or maybe it’s just that I’m poor, and I never have enough $$$ and can’t afford anything but I always have to do everything I can to try and save $$$ and make things last as long as they can and stretch everything out further. For instance, I cut the Poptarts in half so they last longer. I re-use plastic baggies rather than just using them once and throwing them out. I re-use paper towel as well unless it’s wet. I only buy stuff on sale,and that incl. all of our groceries. If I see coins on the street I pick them up. Buy stuff used.Buy in bulk.Now I sort of remind myself of those friends I had when I was younger and how their parents told them to walk on the grass so their shoes would last longer and not wear out, and like my Scottish uncle used to say, I’m not cheap; I’m thrifty!

As well, as I was outside enjoying the return of summer-y warm weather I turned on my iPod to listen to some music and I felt this pain in my baby finger; it felt like it was being cut by glass even though it didn’t make any sense and when I looked down to see  what the…..????? I saw a wasp there so I knew I’d been stung and after a few minutes not one, but two elevated bumps with a dot in the middle showed up, so I was stung twice! I tend to react allergically too so I took a Benedryl to lessen it but even so my poor finger really swelled up so much it felt like it was going to split! It really hurt,too, more than usual, I think due to the location, that the baby finger is so small.

I also remember that my Topamax that I take for my migraines( and that also helps my bi-polar) can cause kidney damage, incl. kidney stones, so that could be what’s causing my issues, or maybe it’s even just my stomach ulcer back again, although the pain is lower down, below the belly-button, not above it,  and my gut-feeling is that it’s cancer and I’m dying, but it could just be wishful thinking too, just hoping that I’m dying soon, sort of like when you’re a little kid and you think that if you want something badly enough, hope for it enough and wish for it badly enough that you can will it to happen and make it happen…it could be true, but it may all just be in my head,too….I’ll know soon enough though, once I get the CT scan results…but I know that it’s something; that something’s causing me to have all the symptoms and to feel the way I do, and why I’m declining day by day and feel like the life is being drained out of me…

F*ck My Pillow.

Screen Shot 09-10-17 at 08.45 AM This is my sequin pillow that you can rub in both directions to change it to silver or pink. I made it a swirling spiral pattern at first,and then I made a heart within a heart within a heart, and now this is my latest creation. I was inspired by my new swearword colouring book and I felt playful and fun so why not? Like I’ve said before, I have a twisted sense of humour. That’s why I find the outrageous and bawdy Jackass stunts hilariously funny. I think next I’ll try to make a hippo design on it and then after that I’m not sure but it’s fun trying out new ideas, it’s sort of like an art project, being creative with my pillow.

I got my fave. priest in church yesterday so I went to Confession, as it’s easier to confess to a priest I know well than to the new guy about my vibrator, which is intensely personal. He understood though and was sympathetic and said I’m under alot of stress I need to relieve and all I got for penance was one Hail Mary; I guess no one understands built up sexual frustration more than a priest, who hasn’t had sex in years himself either, so he knows exactly what I’m going thru. Hurricane Irma also tore thru Cuba wreaking destruction and it never fails; whenever I’ve been somewhere something bad always seems to happen to it shortly after I leave; it’s almost like I “curse” every place I go and leave my bad luck behind…..I’m sorry Cuba, I didn’t mean it, I love you!

I also found out that arsenic poisoning can cause bladder and kidney cancer as well,and my family thinks it’s humourous that I think I likely have cancer or I’m being poisoned based on my symptoms(which are identical) but I wonder what they’ll say later once if  it’s confirmed that I really do, and it must be either that or kidney stones; it has to be something causing my symptoms, incl. abdomenal pain, blood in urine, weight  loss, seizures,cough,etc.. I just hope that the CT scan clearly reveals what it is, that it can be seen,identified,and diagnosed  clearly; whether it’s kidney stones, tumours or cancer of some other sort, a blockage or twisting somewhere, an inflammation or rupture,aneurysm, hernia, etc. and if it doesn’t show anything abnormal in the organs then it must be poisoning……it has to be something… I also learned that the extreme sweating I have that I just  assumed was hot-flashes due to menopause is also a common symptom of cancer…..

I notice as well now that I’m declining my hubby is suddenly starting ramping up repairs and painting on the house, getting it ready to sell preparing for us to be able to move, and I recall him saying before he was going to kill me off to get the $$$$ to move… if he really is poisoning me I can just picture him rubbing his hands together gleefully plotting, saying, She’s deteriorating rapidly, the end is near, it shouldn’t be long now…. it makes me sick to think that he very well could be murdering me. They laugh and mock me, thinking I’m just being paranoid, but I wouldn’t put it past him; he hates me and wants me gone and even said he was poisoning me for my life insurance $$$$$ and it didn’t sound like he was joking,either…. just in case I really am dying soon I also decided to go to confession,too, because, well, you never know,and it’s best to be prepared, just in case. If I find out I am terminal though I hope to go to Jamaica before I die, and I want to see the Bob Marley Museum. I just hope I’m still well enough to travel….


The Furnace.

Screen Shot 08-27-17 at 08.36 AM I still remember when I was a kid I was scared of the furnace at my grandparents’ house. It was similar to the one in the photo seen here. It was big and loud and scary. It rumbled and shook and made scary noises and it scared the shit out of me. It was like some sort of scary monster and I was scared to go down to the basement afraid that it would come to life and eat me. I wouldn’t even go down to the basement unless there was an adult with me I was so scared of the noisy terrifying furnace. It smelled bad too and I was convinced that it was out to get me. I even had nightmares about it. For some reason though I wasn’t afraid of the furnaces at my aunts and uncles houses, just at my grandparents. I guess they just had regular furnaces, not the scary kind. It makes me laugh now to remember it, and it’s funny the things you can still remember from your childhood.

I also remember the Lava Game where you place pillows on the floor and you have to hop from pillow to pillow and can’t touch the floor otherwise you fall in lava. My own kids play that same game,too, so it must be some sort of universal kid thing. I also thought I had rabid dogs living under my bed( a fear I developed because I actually really did see 2 rabid dogs in the school yard fighting during recess one day and there was blood all over the snow and it was scary and they called us to get back into the school early) and I had to turn the light off at one end of my room and quickly make a run for it and take a flying leap and jump into my bed from across the room and not stand next to it or else they’d grab me by my ankles and pull me under the bed. I also had an unusual fear of earthquakes and quicksand, likely from movies I’d seen. It’s funny the things that play on your mind and scare you when you’re a kid.

As well, a Facebook friend who lives in Texas got her house badly flooded with the hurricane and they lost everything; the water was as high as the toilet and it was everywhere and they got evacuated, and my hubby said he could finally drive me to church(after having to walk for the past 2 months but I still get tired and out of breath and prefer a ride if I can get one and don’t want to walk if I don’t have to) but then of course just before it was time for me to go he conveniently had to go out somewhere and left so I had to end up walking afterall, and he never even came to pick me up afterwards either, using the excuse he was going to, but I came home before he could…..yeah….right… we also had a guest priest this week and he had this nice French accent and even did part of the Mass in French which was kind of cool, and I realized too when I prayed to God to send me someone to show me love, compassion and kindness and to show me I’m worth loving that He already did: Jesus and Buddy! The 22 YR old also says it was a “waste” of $$$$ the oldest kids’ university degrees as their jobs have nothing to do with their degrees or the field they studied in but I don’t think that education is ever a waste.