Our Mother’s Day.

HippoMothersDay Our(my mother’s and mine) Mother’s Day yesterday was pretty much just like any other Sunday, or any other day for that matter, other than the fact that we got the typical sappy cards(that we adults actually bought for eachother and pretended was from the kids, and that contained gooey love messages that none of us really feel) but the kids never drew me any home-made cards though( even though they do for my hubby for Father’s Day and for eachother for birthdays, just not for me) and, in fact, none of the kids even bothered to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Not even once. None of them even uttered the words.No one said it at all. Only my mother and hubby did. Not at all, but 2 neighbours did, when I was out walking Buddy one of the neighbour’s teen girls wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and the old guy I talk to that lives across from church came across the road to wish me a happy one which I thought was thoughtful and kind, esp. considering my own kids didn’t even bother, proving once again that total( Or not quite total) Strangers care about me more and treat me nicer than my own family does.

We also had KFC for dinner so neither my mother or I had to cook and she got a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store for us to put on the table.Not the kind I like, just a cheap 10$ one with mums that neither of us like but they were the cheapest and with a few carnations thrown in that she likes but I find are boring and plastic-like and have no smell and secretly I was wishing It would have been nice if these had been sunflowers…. My hubby got me this funny Dachshund card from Buddy as well which is fitting too because he is like my baby and he’s the only one in my family that really does love me,anyway, and I got the funky shoes that I’d picked out and I gave my hubby the bill. That’s how he buys gifts.That way he knows I like it.

. Even the kids that have moved out still never even bothered to phone or e-mail me any Mother’s Day wishes. My mother said she was upset that the kids never said Happy Mother’s Day to her either( even though I did) even though I told her that they’re not her kids though; they’re mine(and they never said it to me,either), but she’s always taken over and acts like they’re hers and expects to be treated like some kind of martyr. In church they also had  special prayers for mothers yesterday we all. It’s really just a day I prefer to get over with, a reminder of something yet again I’ve failed(even though it was my vocation and my dream, and yet something else that didn’t go as expected or work out the way I thought and ended up to be the total opposite and I end up disappointed and disillusioned) and that someone in my family will usually ruin for me anyway or use to remind me how much I suck as a mother.

I also had a portion of a perfect day last night; not the entire day, just a few minutes, a few peaceful, perfectly still, quiet moments. I woke up in the middle of the darkness and stillness of night with Buddy  beside me, and it was so still and quiet; there wasn’t one single sound.It was like the entire world had just stopped, just shut down momentarily. I couldn’t hear a thing, it was so still and quiet. It was peaceful and tranquil, leaving me alone with my thoughts and God. I couldn’t feel my heart beating either and for a moment there I even wondered if I was dead. It was such a perfect serene moment that I just wanted to capture it forever and I was so content and cocooned in my silent world I wish I could have just stayed locked away in there forever and kept it frozen like that for always. It was like a little gift from God, a small glimpse of peace. I wonder if that’s what the world is like for deaf people?Pure silence….

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Him.

EternalCompanion This actually happened to me yesterday and it’s hard to believe but it’s actually true and it just completely blew me away. Remember how not too long ago I had a dream and I was shown a vision of my Eternal Companion in Heaven who loves me and is waiting for me, and I saw in detail exactly what he looked like, with long-ish curly blonde hair, and resembled a British rock star? Well, I never forgot about that and towards the end of the Mass, right for the Gospel I notice a guy come in late and sit in the aisle right across from me and oh, my God……it was him! He looked exactly like the guy in my dream, that I had seen, my Eternal Companion!

I was just stunned and shocked speechless, I was dizzy and so overwhelmed and blown away I thought I was going to faint. It was just surreal. It was him, but he didn’t stay long and then he left right away, as soon as it was over, and loudly peeled out in a “muscle” car, the kind I also like. Oh, my God! Did he possibly come down from Heaven, as an angel in human form,perhaps, to give me some hope and reassurance and then quickly vanished into the night? Was there no communication between us because the time is not right; not until I’ve died and go to Heaven? It was just so amazing and unreal I couldn’t believe it…..but there he was. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again before I go to Heaven or if this was it? Maybe it’s a sign it’ll be soon and he came to check in one me?

As for my hubby, I don’t feel any connection to him, any loyalty, any allegience, any respect,, any commitment, any ties, any feelings, any closeness, any bond, etc, or like I “owe” him anything because of the dismissive, belittling, demeaning, condescending way he treats me. He treats me like shit and doesn’t value or respect me, or love me, or value my thoughts, needs, or opinions, he just constantly puts me down, insults and berates me, criticizes and emotionally abuses me so I don’t feel like I owe him anything. I want to be free.

Also, in church I was seeing blurry and double again and I’m losing my mind so much that I couldn’t even remember prayers that I’ve memorized my whole life, and my stomach and abdomenal pain is really bad again as well and now my arms and legs feel so weak and “drained” and I get weaker and more and more fatigued every day.I feel like I’m dying and I don’t think it will be too long now. There’s just no energy, no strength, no motivation, no spark, no life, left in me anymore.

Things I’d Take With Me.

GFClock I keep hoping and praying that this is my year. The year where I finally find happiness, love,and freedom; that I either find it in this lifetime, this year, or otherwise I die this year and find peace, freedom and happiness in Heaven, surrounded by love. I was also thinking if I do get to finally move out on my own, away from my toxic family I’ve decided what I’d take with me to my brand new place. I’d bring my fave. things and obviously things that belong to me. Of course I would take my beloved Buddy; I wouldn’t move anywhere without him, and I’d take my bedroom set; my cherrywood old fashioned bed, dresser,and bedside table with the Queen Anne-style legs, the Persian rug in my room, my cedar chest,my A/C, all my hippo collectables and stuff on my wall along with my clothes.

As well as that I’d take the Grandfather clock(which no longer works anyway but I’ve always loved it) and Monet painting (pictured here) as well(which I bought decades ago) and my Louis XV chair and the French Provincial couch and chairs, esp. as I love them, picked them out,and my family always complains how they’re “ugly” and want to get rid of them, so problem solved: I take them and they can buy new stuff for their place. I’d take the matching Cherrywood queen Anne -style coffee table as well and my computer, which was a gift given to me.All I’d have to buy is a small kitchen table and 2 chairs, in case I ever have company.

As I was walking to church yesterday I also saw the cheerful, friendly old guy that always calls out to me and talks to me which he did again and it always makes me feel happy when he does simply because he acknowledges me, proving I’m not invisible, that I am worth someone greeting me and wishing me a good day, and in church I was seeing double and felt like I was almost cross-eyed too and at home looking at a bottle of lotion the letters on it appeared to be Arabic and Russian.. except it really wasn’t,.and my stomach/ulcer pain’s been really bad the past few days as well and my ears are still throbbing, feel full and ache. I’m falling apart in every way, my life, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Laying out in the sun with Buddy curled up beside me, listening to my music and having had weed struck me as the perfect way to die; with my fave. things, all that’s missing is chocolate, hippos,and sunflowers. I heard as well when Barbara Bush died her husband George was holding her hand and I wish I could have a love like that,too, where even into our 80’s and 90’s we’re still in love and holding hands but I never did and likely never will. I’m beginning to think that love and happiness aren’t meant for me; outside of my reach, like pretty much everything else. I was also looking at the  I ♥ Mama tattoo on my wrist I got when the 14 YR old was around 5; she had first wrote it on with green marker and I had the tattoo guy do it in permanently, so I’ll always remember how much she loves me….but now that she no longer does it’s a painful reminder of what I’ve lost. The 18 YR old also has a summer job at a pool store and just like with her last job at the grocery all she had to do was just walk in and she was hired right away but that’s how the world works for good-looking people; it just opens up for them,life comes easy,and they have opportunities that the rest of us don’t. For me, being ugly, it’s always been the exact opposite; I’m always overlooked, ignored, chosen last, rejected, never chosen above others, never anyone’s fave. or first choice, not even a consideration.

I Love Me Some Hippo!

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As well, for the past month, maybe even longer, it’s been so long I’ve lost count now, I’m not sleeping well; every night I sleep for maybe 3 hours well and then I keep waking up every hour and also lay awake for 3-4 hours so I’m exhausted; I even wake up tired and with stinging eyes and have to sleep during the day because I’m not sleeping at night so when I see the doc this week maybe he can give me something to help me sleep? I’ve tried melatonin but it doesn’t work for me. Also I keep having scary nightmares bad things happen to Buddy, like he gets attacked and killed by a coyote, or run over by a car, or decapitated, or stolen,or I find him dead, etc. and it’s so horrible it wakes me up and I tell myself to come out of it but it still leaves me rattled and I wonder if it’s just my fear of losing him ( the only joy , light, and love in my life) coming to the surface?

With all the crisis, overwhelming stress, and uncertainty  and worry going on in my life as well I came across this quote in a blog by Stephanie Neilson:

Do you ever feel like your life is kind of like a puzzle,
but you just don’t have all the pieces,
and you spend so much time and effort looking for
just ONE piece to help you see the picture.
It sums up exactly how feel in life and what I’m going thru right now with my hubby looking for a job, financial struggles, losing my drug coverage, likely having to move, not knowing what’s ahead or what to expect, how things are going to work out in the end, if we’re going to be ok, etc. and I went to Confession in church yesterday too in case I do die soon, just in case; it’s better to be ready and prepared….

Happy Easter!

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Today is Easter, or as I call it, Resurrection Day, the day Jesus rose from the dead. It is also the holiest day of the year. Last night was my fave. Mass as well, the Easter Vigil. I just love the candles, the bells, and the incense. I even had what you might call a “mystical” experience as well: I was deep in sorrow and suicidal over my hopeless shitty life and I prayed to God for a sign of hope and then the altar area “transformed” before my very eyes into a light pink colour and the wooden Crucifix changed into a bright brilliant gold but with a bright white light like I would imagine you’d see in Heaven, like the colour seen in this photo on Jesus’ loincloth and then later it was back to normal again. I took it to mean that I will go to Heaven when I die. My life’s so bad that even if I went to Purgatory it would still be better, and preferable, to my life here and the suffering I endure. My toxic family wouldn’t be able to hurt me anymore, I’d be healed of my emotional, mental, and physical issues and my brokenness that I’m hated and blamed for, and I will no longer have any anxiety, worry, fear,etc. and the constant crisis will finally end. I will be at peace.

As well, there was this dapper, distinguished Indian guy sitting next to me in church and he was wearing a nice suit, had grey hair around his temple, and had the most amazing cologne, and it awakened my inner ‘ho….here I was in church, trying to be spiritual and I was thinking all these naughty thoughts instead. What’s wrong with me? I also heard in order to heal and recover( from trauma, for example) you need love and support, the 2 things that I don’t have, and, in fact, my toxic family is my biggest problem! It wasn’t supposed to end this way. I was supposed to find love and marry a wonderful guy who loved me and I was supposed to have nice kids but it all just backfired and yet something else that went wrong and didn’t work out for me. When I die I know Buddy will be sad and miss me but the others will be glad and say, Finally! It’s about time she finally got it right! What I hope for my family to remember me by is to be kind to others, sort of as a way to “make up” for the abusive way they treated me, esp. for the 16 YR old to not be such a mean girl, for them to love and take good care of Buddy, and to return to God and their faith. I also hope they do have some good memories of me, before I broke so hard, and when they see hippos or sunflowers they’ll think of me.

The 18 YR old also made the Dean’s List, a bottle of juice exploded and my guess is it must have fermented and the gases building up created pressure and made it explode like a bomb, and I tried to message Patti to see how her dog’s X-ray went ( it was supposed to be yesterday) to see if her dog’s prego or not,and if Buddy’s going to be a father…..and I found out she defriended  me on Facebook! What the f*ck? Now I’ll never know and what did she do; just use me for Buddy’s stud service to get puppies and then just get rid of me once she didn’t need me anymore? This really hurts. I thought she was my friend. I should have known though, in the end everyone betrays me. Fortunately, the 16 YR old was somehow still able to access her account and found out her dog IS expecting 3 puppies. If it weren’t for Buddy she wouldn’t even be prego at all. Is it that she doesn’t want me to know? Is she worried I’d want one and she’s just being greedy and wants to keep them all for herself? I found out as well not only did she defriend me, she blocked me.

My hubby also chides me that if I exercised that it would “cure” my breathing problems but he doesn’t know what he’s talking about; it’s a life-long chronic condition, just even worse now I’m older, when I exert myself I have even more trouble breathing and I can’t catch my breath and I’m huffing and puffing….knowing him he probably just wants me to over-do it so I drop dead.He also somehow sabotaged the TV remotes so I can no longer mute anything ( so I just stopped casting it off my computer onto the TV and just watched it on my computer screen, so I could see it but he couldn’t; he’s NOT f*cking around with me like that; I’ve had enough of his shit! ) and he snarked cruelly when I went to my computer, Oh, you can get up and move off the couch!( and I replied, F*uck YOU!) and when I confronted him about it he ( as a means to control and “punish” me)snickered, Have fun walking to church! refusing to drive me(even though earlier he said that he would), and I had to walk alone in the dark again and it was pouring  rain and I got soaking wet. If that doesn’t symbolize my life, I don’t know what does.

In Mass I broke down and just started crying as well; it all just came out but the beginning part was in the dark anyway so no one could see and they’d just think the sniffling sounds were because of my cold. I just feel so hopeless, so lost, so spent, so defeated, deflated, and depleted. I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve had enough and there’s nothing left to give. I can’t even think of one reason why I shouldn’t just kill myself right now. I have to find an alternative way that also isn’t painful or messy since pills obviously don’t work. Going to church I was tempted to walk out in front of a car but then I didn’t as it wouldn’t be fair to the poor driver who would be traumatized by it and they never did anything to deserve it. I just want to die but I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I just want my suffering to end. I heard heroin overdose is the best way; you just drift away painlessly but I wouldn’t have any idea where to even buy it from, esp. since the cops raided the drug dealer that used to live on our street. I just want to be someone else, somewhere else. I want to be free of this body, this life, this family. I want the pain to finally end.There’s no hope anyway. I want to be free. I want to soar. I want to fly.

Good Friday.

GoodFriday Today is Good Friday, the day Jesus was crucified and died for us, for our sins, and for our salvation.I never could figure out why they called it Good; it certainly wasn’t good for poor Jesus! He died a cruel torturous agonizing death. The Gospel at today’s Mass is really long,too, like 10-12 pages and at Mass last night the words precious in God’s sight jumped out at me off the pages of the Missal, as if they were speaking to me directly, assuring me of His love, even when no one else loves me (besides my dog) and the people I see every week in church even feel more like family than my actual family does. I’d asked my hubby as well to come back from Toronto last night in time to pick me up after church as I didn’t want to walk home alone in the dark( and as it also turned out it was heavy rain,too) but of course he didn’t give a shit and hadn’t even left Toronto yet when I got back from church at 20: 45.

As well, one of the kids intentionally sabotaged both my sets of headphones as on one the wire was clean cut in half and the other a long wire was poking out of the spongy part on the ear, so there’s no way it was an accident. My family sucks. My guess would be the 11 year old as he’s destructive and known for ruining things and to which my mother snarked, Well, have you been extra mean to him lately? so typical of her, nothing’s ever his fault, always someone else’s, usually me; I always get blamed for everything, and when he asked her if Buddy would ever love him the way he loves me she hissed, He’ll never love anyone like he loves Mama,and she’ll never love anyone like she loves him! It’s quite simple though,really; I treat people the way they treat me. He loves me and I love him back. My mother also snapped at me, You always make my life so difficult!

and there you have it. That’s how she feels about me. Everything’s my fault.Everything wrong in her life is all because of me. I knew she never wanted me or loved me. She’s one of those people that never should have had a kid. I never should have,either, and I wouldn’t have if I knew how it was going to turn out, that they’d inherit my crazy, and that the kids would end up turning on me and hating me and how much trauma and stress it would be and how I wouldn’t get any joy or fulfillment out of it; only pain and misery. My hubby also said his job interview yesterday didn’t go as well as the one the day before and now I’m losing all hope. I was doing pretty good before but now it’s all come crashing down and feeling hopeless is not a good place to be and when I lose hope is when I get suicidal as I figure if nothing’s ever going to change and there’s no hope of improvement then what’s the point? Why keep carrying on being so miserable and just hating my life?

I also searched online for available houses in the area my hubby mentioned and it was so disappointing and hopeless and out of our price range and reach. Plus, they didn’t even have brick Century homes that both my mother and I like, they’re all newer homes and it’s bad enough if I have to move when I don’t want to( I don’t like change which is a common Asperger’s trait) I should at least like the house and not have to live in some ugly house that I hate. Most of them were that ugly cheap aluminum siding too. Ugh. All of them were also way beyond what we can afford and of the 64 available I didn’t like a single one of them even if we could afford it, which we can’t. It all just seems so hopeless now. I also notice my lips are really blue now too( they’re often a blue-tinged colour from bad circulation) indicating a likely heart issue and I actually hope I die because I can’t keep doing this, going from one crisis to another, it’s all just too much, too overwhelming,and I don’t have anything left anymore, nothing left to keep fighting. I’m done. I just want it to be over. I pray I have a heart-attack and then it will finally all be over.

Going Backwards.

apartments My biggest concern if we have to move closer to Toronto for my hubby’s work if he finds a new job there is the cost as the closer you get to the city the more expensive properties are. In Toronto itself the average 3 bedroom detached house goes for over a million and there will still be 6 of us living at home which is why we also want to downsize to a smaller house(4 bedrooms) as well( now we have 3 floors, 7 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms) to pay less on property taxes and utilities as we’re barely getting by now and finances are a real struggle and every year my mother has to keep taking out loans to just pay the property taxes and home insurance but the problem is that we can’t afford anything in that price range(and our house now is all paid off) and houses are way cheaper here and even anywhere closer to the city you’re still looking at 750K to 900K and there’s still no way; that’s still waaaay out of our price range and the most I’ve seen a house in this area go for is around 450K so if we’re lucky that would be the most we’d get for this house and that’s not even half of the cost of the houses the closer you get to the city. My BFF has a townhouse in Stouffville and even so she paid 650K just for that.

The 23 YR old said we just have to give up on a house, which he calls a “luxury” and rent an apartment instead but none of us want to live in an apartment; it would be going backwards, and there is a difference between downsizing and slumming! His standards are considerably lower than the rest of us though and he’s content to basically just coast along in life, content with the very basic minimum, and his attitude is like, If you end up living out in the street there’s nothing you can do about  it,anyway so why worry….. Why would we ever go from home ownership to renting? If you rent you just keep throwing $$$$ away you’ll never see again and never get anything back out of it, plus the rent always goes up and you can be forced to move anytime, plus we wouldn’t be able to have a dog, and wouldn’t have a backyard and I spend all summer outside, plus we’d hear noise from neighbours above, below and on both sides of us…..there’s no way. That’s not even a consideration or an option. Not happening.

We’re just looking for a smaller house, but still a house. I’ve lived in apartments before and I’d never go back. Ideally we just downsize to a smaller house but more locally where houses are more affordable, not too close to Toronto(as it is now, we live 2 HRS away one way drive) where there’s no way we could ever afford it, and my hubby understandably doesn’t want to drive that long commute every day so maybe another option might be that we don’t have to move at all but just he maybe rents a room there during the week so he’s closer to work and just comes home on the weekends?

As well I watched the new Roseanne show liked I watched the original some 30 years ago and they have the same original cast living in the same house playing the same characters. It was just like old times, like it continued on where it left off. I really liked it and it was nice to see again. They’re such rednecks and it’s so funny. They mentioned a son named Jimmy though and I don’t know where he came from; I don’t remember any “Jimmy” from the old series back in the 80’s; they just had the 3 kids: Becky, Darlene, and DJ……where the hell did Jimmy come from? Today is also the 29th and I keep thinking about that dream I had recently that I die on the 29th…..except I never was informed which 29th (I just know it wasn’t February this year!) of what month and I wonder if today could possibly even be the day? That would be kind of cool though, with it being the Easter Triduum  starting today,with Mass 3 days in a row, with today being Holy Thursday… ending Holy Week, the holiest week of the year….