Dark Energy.

DarkEnergy I was laying on the couch resting,headphones on, with my eyes closed, and all of a sudden I felt the presence of dark energy, like a shadow filling the room, a bad vibe, like a dark presence and I opened my eyes and saw my hubby had entered the room! It was the weirdest, strangest thing. I could literally feel his negativity towards me and his darkness in my life invading my personal space, my peaceful zone, almost like a dark foggy mist that creeped into the room and disrupted my peace. Earlier I was also in the livingroom listening to reggae  on Google Home and he walks in and just turns it off and puts on something else, something like he likes, even though I was listening to that and I was there first, having no regard for me,and then later on when I was listening to Van Halen and he wasn’t even in the same room as me(I was in there by myself) but in the diningroom he still yells at me to turn that “garbage” off…. he’s just a controlling asshole that delights in provoking, goading,and annoying me, likes to walk in and take over, thinks he’s boss,and likes to try to ruin my enjoyment of the music that I love.

As well, my BFF said awhile ago she was in the hospital for 3 days with an infection( and my friend O who had the heart surgery spent a week in the hospital) and they think it might have been her colon and she had a colonoscopy and biopsy just like I did too but it came back normal and she says she goes on these crazy cleansing detoxes as well she recommended to me but no thanks: she only drinks fluids for a week followed by only eating raw food for a week, incl. rabbit. Yes, that’s right: raw rabbit. Ugh, no thanx. I’d be too hungry for one thing and raw meat is just gross.I wonder if that’s what caused her infection? My hubby’s always saying the diet Pepsi I drink is what’s causing all my medical ailments too even though it’s caffeine and sugar free; he just likes to always blame me somehow. She also asked my to be a reference for her passport. Now that I can do.

I was also rolling a Big Fatty and my mother goes, It smells like weed in here! and the 10 YR old went to a Classical Mozart concert(he’s cultured….I like that) the 14 and 16 YR olds have colds, and the 18 YR old pretty well gets 100% on most of her assignments at school and plans to move out of residence next year and find a place elsewhere, and we have now officially started our week off school for March Break! We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog’s prego yet and if Buddy’s going to be a father but they would make beautiful puppies….



The Shape Of Water.

shapeOfWater “He doesn’t know what  I lack or how I am incomplete. He sees me for what I am, as I am. He’s happy to see me every time, every day.” This is a quote from the movie The Shape of Water. It sounds like how I feel. It’s like how my dog feels about me and how God sees me and the kind of love I long for and look for with another person. I am lonely and longing and need to be loved but due to my looks, my medical issues, everything I lack it holds me back and I live a lonely miserable life. It was the same for Elisa, the main character in the movie. She was plain-looking, mute, a timid little mouse with a boring job( cleaning lady) and a boring monotonous life. She only had 2 friends; a neighbour and a co-worker.She craved love and affection just like I do, like we all do.

My mother and I have this tradition where every year we watch the Academy Award winning movie of the year even though we never watch the actual awards show. This year’s winner was The Shape of Water and even though I thought it sounded dumb; the idea of a woman falling in love with a sea creature (it was captured and held in a secret gov’t lab where she works and she befriended it and was horrified how it was being abused and mistreated and hatched a plan to free it and they fell in love) but I watched it anyway and it turned out to be much more than that. It showed that the need and longing for love is universal and that love is where you find it. It gives “incomplete” people hope that there really is someone out there that can look beyond the outside appearance, what society sees as unattractive, undesirable, worthless, damaged, incomplete, not “worth” loving, always being over-looked, cast aside, ignored and rejected and see the inside, something worth loving.Even 2 “misfits” can find eachother and find love. You also see how love and being loved and giving love transforms her. That’s what I want,too. Maybe there is some hope,afterall? This movie inspires me.

As well, I’ve had bad stomach pain for the past few days, so either my liver again or my stomach ulcer, and it feels like a gnawing pain,and I’m so tired my eyes sting and they were really itchy too as well as all over, likely jaundice from my liver, and when I told my hubby we need more $$$ as we’re really struggling he told me to go get a job when he knows that with my medical issues I can’t, plus I have no skill or experience in anything and I don’t work well with people, and then there’s also my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia….and I found out that the $$$$ I get I pay the same that he does each month(he also pays for the kids’ lessons and the van expenses) towards family expenses( my contribution pays the bills, for example and some of the groceries) and he has a job so I think I’m doing pretty well considering, and he also snarked I could help out but I’m done with this family; they treat me like shit, no one ever helps me, no one shares, they bully, berate, belittle,insult, and emotionally abuse me. They exclude me and push me away. They make me feel like an unwanted burden. I’m done. I gave up on them a long time ago. I’m finished. I’ve washed my hands of them and dropped out of life. I’ve had enough. I just don’t give a shit anymore. They’ve broken me.I’m done.

Over The Mountain.


This song really resonates with me. I can really relate to it. You know how there’s just some songs that seem to be written for you?


As well, my hubby somehow programmed the Google Home device so that it won’t play Bob Marley anymore, so when I request it, it now says it doesn’t understand even though it used to play it no problem before. What an asshole. Just because he doesn’t like reggae he’s sabotaging it purposely so that I can’t listen to it even though he knows I love it but I found a way around it so I can still listen anyway. Nothing will stop my reggae, and especially NOT a controlling asshole like that. Who does he think he is,anyway? I can like, and listen, to whatever I want and he’s not the boss of me. I don’t have to do what he says! He can KISS MY HEMMOROID!! This isn’t even a marriage. It’s a prison sentence.


Happy Birthday Bob!

BMBday(new) Happy belated birthday to Bob Marley. It was actually yesterday, but I didn’t realize until now that yesterday was the 6th already. I know it’s on the 6th but I didn’t know it was the 6th already and that it had come and gone. Now I feel so badly. I know, I’m just so bad at remembering dates and days. Most of the time I don’t even know which day of the week it is.


Lady Parts.

OvaryScan My doctor called me to discuss the ultrasound results, the ones so urgent that they couldn’t wait until my app’t next week (which I cancelled BTW) and it turned out not to be anything too concerning or that couldn’t wait; they saw the cyst on my right ovary again and said it’s 2 cm in diameter, which I must say is bigger than I’d imagined, making it almond-sized, about the same size as the actual ovary itself, and I had just imagined a little pimple-like thingy. They said they want to keep up follow-up scans on it annually but he said he’s going to send me for another one in about 9 months. I guess they want to keep an eye on the cyst, to see if it keeps getting bigger,gets twisted,ruptures, or if it develops into cancer or something….to tell you the truth, I’m disappointed and was sort of hoping that it was, and then that would be my escape from my life, my way out, my opportunity at last.

Blood also showed up in my urine again, like last time,so he’ll be booking me yet another ultraound, this one an abdomenal one focusing on the kidneys and bladder. He said my bloodwork has always shown low kidney filtration rate so that just means that it’s “normal” for me although I somehow don’t think a low anything or continuing abnormal  lab test results is “normal” for anyone…… The specialist called as well and I have my liver MRI next week! That was fast! Usually it takes months!

Most of the snow had melted as well with the recent mild temps and rain but now we had it snowing for 2 days and it’s back again but it looks nicer now, all sparkling, glistening and white, it looked gross before, all melting and dirty, like in spring, like in the end of March. The 14 YR old also made me sad before not knowing who Eric Clapton was but the other day I was listening to Led Zeppelin and she recognized who they were and it just made my heart so happy! She really is one of mine afterall!! My mother had mentioned about buying a sub,too, and I thought she meant the navy was going to purchase another submarine;that she’d heard it on the news, I didn’t know what she was talking about, but it was the sub sandwich and she goes, You had your weed today; you’re really out of it! 😀


Van Halen.

VanHalen My mother and I were relaxing in the livingroom (and I had Buddy laying down snuggled up next to me as usual) listening to music and I had Van Halen playing on the Google Home Device and 3 times she told it to turn up the volume because she couldn’t hear and I kept cheering her on, You rock!! You know good music has to be played loud! as the music thumped and made the walls pulse. It was incredible, almost a bonding moment. I would love to see Van Halen play live in concert though, oh, man, what an amazing concert that would be. That would definitely be something on my Bucket List. They were one of my most-fave.listened to bands in highschool. I clearly remember buying their albums and listening to their songs on my stereo blasting my speakers and on my Walkman…God, that makes me feel so old…. I still do like them and have always loved music and once  I met my hubby  it felt like someone turned the music off in my life. I was also dismayed when I mentioned Eric Clapton and the 14 year old goes, Who’s Eric Clapton? What? Is she serious? I can’t believe she doesn’t know who he is. I mean, that just hurts me to the core and wounds my heart. I can’t believe one of my kids doesn’t know who Eric Clapton is. Is she really one of mine?

Aunt Flow also didn’t come afterall like I thought it did; when the ultrasound probe came out of my you-know-what there was blood on it so I assumed it was Aunt Flow but nothing more came after that so I guess it was just blood  from being poked around in there from the test and now I also have really bad pain in my lower left back, either a pulled muscle or it could be my kidney based on the location, plus my liver ,too; I feel sharp stabbing pain on the left side under my ribs.  I’m falling apart. The girls are also trying to convince my hubby to get them a Kitchen Aid mixer for their baking as there’s one on sale now, and they like the silver but I’ve always liked the light pink one.

The light tan brick house( that I’ve always liked and imagined renting) next door to D’s old house is also now up for sale….and for 300 000$ and it’s only 3 bedrooms and even though it is a nice house so I wonder how much we’d get for ours then with our 7 bedrooms, 3 floors, large yard, and the inground pool? She just moved 5 streets over as well so she’s still in the area and hasn’t moved too far away. It’s also mild out 5 C so I was finally able to take Buddy out for a nice long walk once again and he loved it and was sniffing everything along the way and peeing on everything(there was also an unfortunate incident last night on my carpet) and with my sore back/kidney he’s extra attentive of me as well and is staying close-by me even more than usual and is more protective and guarding than usual, and he’s pawing at me and whines, like he can sense I’m hurt and he’s not letting me too far out of his sight. He’s so sweet. I love him so much. He really is my best friend.I wonder too with kidney and liver failure if maybe my hubby really is poisoning me? What else would explain it, esp. when there doesn’t seem to ever be any medical cause for it????????????????


What Are We Watching?

Screen Shot 01-23-18 at 03.26 PM My mother and I just started watching this new TV show that just came out, The Resident, which tells of what really goes on in the background of doctors and nurses working in an urban hospital. It’s really good. It then got me thinking about what other shows all of us watch and my mother definitely wins for the one who watches the most shows, then my hubby, then the kids, and then me, who watches the least amount. I’m trying to think of them and remember them all and I’m sure I forgot some of theirs but here’s what I came up with:

Both my mother and I watch The Resident, Criminal Minds, Degrassi:Next Class, Return To Amish (a summer show), Born This Way (a summer show), Mom,Little People Big World, and The Blacklist. On top of that I also watch The Big Bang Theory. My hubby also watches The Blacklist and The Big Bang Theory like I do as well.

On top of that, my hubby also watches Designated Survivor, Blindspot, The Arrow, and a bunch of other super hero stuff, Dragonball Z  and a bunch of other anime stuff, redneck crap like darts, wrestling, etc. Shark Tank, Game Of Thrones, Doctor Who, some weird show where they do some kind of obstacle course, The Blacklist, The Big Bang Theory, Young Sheldon, etc. along with other things I forget and don’t really pay attention to anyway.

My mother also watches Bluebloods, Murdoch Mysteries, NCIS, Stranger Things(she’s obsessed with that one and binge-watches an entire season all in a day) Designated Survivor, Blindspot, and probably others that I forgot as well as the ones that I watch and the kids watch various things with Riverdale being the girls’ fave. They just absolutely love that show! Everyone just downloads everything and watches it and it’s hard to keep track of everyone’s shows so everyone just has to keep track of their own and watch when it’s most convenient.

As well, in the middle of the night I stepped in something squishy, warm, and wet that soaked thru my sock and I just froze in horror and thought, Oh, God, what did I just step in? and said aloud, Oh, Dear God, please don’t let it be shit…. so I hopped over and turned on my light….luckily it was just pee. Buddy must have had an unfortunate accident during the night; it was on a pile of socks on my floor but my blanket had fallen partway off the bed and was hanging off onto the floor and got it too….laundry day! We even had a thunderstorm overnight, which is very unusual for January! It even woke me up, the first loud boom and I woke up startled, What the f*ck was that? and at first I actually wondered if it might be a bomb in my sleepy disoriented state( plus you’re not thinking thunder in winter) as the survival instincts kick in and you are alerted to a potential threat but then more came and I realized it was also raining…Oh! …it must just be thunder! and so I just rolled over and went back to sleep, enjoying the storm.

My family still aren’t aware of my recent suicide attempt the other day either. I never told them or mentioned it as there’s really no point. It didn’t work anyway and they wouldn’t care regardless, and they’d probably just berate me and put me down anyway and say something like I’m just doing it for attention like they have before when really I just want to numb the pain, to escape from the pain and misery that is my life. I’ve just had enough and I can’t take anymore. I can’t keep doing this and I want out. Every time I either say or do something my family deems stupid my hubby and the 14 and 16 YR olds also always mock me making gestures imitating me, like they’re smoking weed, mocking me and laughing,and it hurts my feelings, and I feel such shame and embarrassment as it is just by simply being ugly and stupid ( and now also the stigma of being poor now,too and I’m often shamed for not having enough $$) but when people make fun of me for it, it’s even worse.