Glory Days.

Screen Shot 08-17-17 at 08.43 AM I have the 80’s Bruce Springsteen song Glory Days on my iPod. I have quite a few of his actually; I’ve always been a fan of The Boss. The song tells about the time in people’s lives when they were at their “peak”, when they were beautiful, popular, at their best, at the top of their game, a time you look back on fondly with happy nostalgic memories. My glory days would have to be when I was 20 and 21 years old, those 2 years I was at the YMCA group in Ottawa. It was the first, and only, time I ever felt like I fit in and belonged, and where I came out of my shell and blossomed, where I made friends and even dare say I was ……popular. I liked everyone there and they all liked me. For once I was accepted and liked for me, and I even ended up on the planning committee where I would plan and organize events for the group.

Everyone in the YMCA group had some issue or other, be it mental, emotional, or social,and every single one of us shared similar experiences of being bullied in school and of being different, we were all outcasts but at the group we accepted one another and all got along. We could be ourselves and no one cared. I made so many great friends there and they were so wonderful, the best people ever and that was 2 of the best years of my life. There was no one there that I didn’t like. It was a time where I was outgoing, happy, I laughed, I smiled, I had fun, I was involved and included, it was all before the worst of the traumas came along and broke me. I was so different  then. I was happy with myself and with life. I had friends that cared about me. I was part of something, of a community. I belonged. I had finally found My People.

I was so sad when the group shut down.It originally had something like 40 people and eventually dwindled down to less than 10. I still kept in touch with my friends but it was sad as I looked forward to the weekly outings and the activities were always the highlight of my week and we always had so much fun. We would go to different venues, such as restaurants, bowling, horseback riding, swimming, camping, dances, etc. I was really happy then and I saw a side of myself that I didn’t even know existed. Those were my Glory Days. All I got was 2 years but it was 2 of the best years of my life. I was so happy, so social, so outgoing, so glorious. I’m so grateful for it.

Nuclear War?

Sooooo, guess what that crackpot Trump has gone and done now? He’s not only provoked North Korea but has now even threatened them with nuclear war with his bluster and tough talk, about “fire and fury” he’ll send upon them like never seen before. All this due to North Korea testing it’s ballistic missiles….just like every other country also does, incl. USA, yet for some reason USA has declared itself(once again) Policeman of the World and decided that North Korea is not allowed to, as if someone made them boss of the world, and then threatened them by basically declaring an act of war, with North Korea responding in kind by saying they’ll send missiles to Guam, which is an American territory in the South Pacific (close to the Korean penninsula) where they have a military base.

and so now the whole world sits on edge.

I’d hopefully think that cooler heads will prevail and this is all just nothing more than bluster, sabre rattling, and tough talk, but that nothing more will come out of it, esp. since tiny North Korea, despite it’s military capabilities, will be obliterated by American forces, and the same story keeps on repeating itself over and over again in history every few years: Imperialist war-mongering USA bullies a much smaller nation, usually with no one else coming to it’s defense(and who’s going to stand up for North Korea?), and no one has the courage to stand up to them, but Kim Jong Un is not someone who seems to put up with that shit and has the balls to stand up to them(and I admire him for that), but hopefully no one will take it to actual war, esp. nuclear war which would be catastrophic and not beneficial to anybody.

I remember the last time I feared the real possibility of a nuclear war was in the 1980’s when that looney Reagan was the American President and tensions were high between USA and USSR during the Cold War. I, of course, was on Russia’s side, naturally, old Soviet guard that I am, and even now my hubby are on opposite sides politically(we can’t agree on anything, although we are both committed to being united and  working together to help the 14 YR old in her recovery); he says North Korea started it and “asked” for it by testing missiles, but they’re not doing anything any other country doesn’t also do, so why are they only being singled out, and USA started it by threatening them first. I’m not a fan of the Kim regime, but I also don’t like to see The Little Guy being bullied by The Big Guy and I’m sick and tired of USA and their interference and war-mongering in other countries.

As well, I was woken up at 3 am with that bad headache, which I still have now, and nothing, I mean nothing gets rid of it, making me suspect that there might be something more going on, like perhaps an impending stroke  or aneurysm, or perhaps even a brain tumour or something, and I went to the lab and had blood work done as well( maybe that will give us some idea?) and the 10 YR old thought that they took all of my blood out and drained me dry! He also snarked to me, No one loves you anyway! and even told my hubby to shut up! and he got mad….how dare he talk to him like that…..yet they talk to me like that all the time and no one cares, and the 14 YR old(when I reminded her about something) yelled at me, You can shut-up now, ok? and the 16 YR old scoffed, Just because you have a bath every day doesn’t mean you don’t stink! and my hubby says the coconut oil I use as a moisturizer “reeks” even though coconut smells good. Why do they always have to insult me like that and talk to me that way?

The therapist at the clinic also phoned and wanted to talk to me but I have nothing to say to her and didn’t want to talk; she just stresses me out and I’m still trying to recover from the session on Tuesday which really broke me hard and made me feel like I was being almost interrogated, esp. since I was the only one being grilled and singled-out for criticism and blame, and it’s harmful to my own mental and emotional health, so she ended up sending me an e-mail instead and she apologized for making me feel like shit and said that wasn’t the intention but said therapy is “hard” but did agree that she was “harsh” on me and could see why I felt that way, and asked that I return so I told her I’m willing to try one more time but if I feel overwhelmed or under attack again I’m just going to get up and leave the room and walk right out the door as I refuse to subject myself to anything that makes me feel even worse about myself and jeopardizes my own recovery, and that I try to avoid conflict, not engage in situations that will increase my stress.

I saw singer Sinead O’ Connor’s public plea on Facebook as well where she says that if you are mentally ill that everyone just invalidates anything you say, think, feel, etc.. and spending your life just trying to stay alive every day is NOT living, and she’s so right. I could so relate to her struggle and what she was saying. It’s almost like we live parallel lives and her family treats her like shit and hates her and blames her for her illness just like mine does to me for mine,too; there are so many similarities I could really relate to her tearful video and I just felt to badly for her and her need to be loved, understood, supported, and just to be treated with some human kindness and compassion.

Sunflowers.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.39 PM 001 Walking to church on Sundays I always walk by these sunflowers in a garden so this time I decided to take photos of them. I love sunflowers so much. They’re just so cheerful, so happy, so sunny!   I’ve even had dreams I’m in Heaven running thru a wide open field of sunflowers.If you look closely you can even see a bee inside it, too! I wanted to plant sunflowers in my garden this YR too but I could never find any at any of the places that sold seedlings and young plants so I’m wondering if maybe the people here just grew their own, like planting a sunflower seed themselves right in the soil and going from there?  Maybe I’ll have to try that next YR, only start early planting the seed indoors in the beginning and then transplanting into the soil outdoors in late May…Some asshole stole one of our flowers from our garden at the front,too, they scooped it clean out in a clean, perfect scoop and took it right out of the garden. If it was an animal digging it up it wouldn’t have been so clean, so smooth,and so precise, and with no evidence of the flower left behind. I’m nicer; I didn’t steal the sunflowers I admire, I just took photos of them.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.38 PM 001 As well, the 16 YR old’s hamster died! She only had it for a month, but a couple of days ago the 10 YR old barged into her room yelling and really scared it, so much it kept squealing forever and hasn’t been the same since….and now it died. I think it must have had a heart-attack and he literally scared it to death. Small rodents like that are very skittish and high-strung and get scared and anxious very easily and don’t handle stress, loud noises and fright well. The 14 YR old was the first one to notice as when she went in to see it, it wasn’t moving so she suspected it but they’re scared to touch dead things so they had me come up to confirm it….so I picked it up and the poor little thing was curled up in the corner of the cage, eyes half-open, cold, stiff,and hard…..most definitely dead and it had been for some time, my guess is it died sometime during the night. It was just so sad. So they buried it in the backyard in a Girl Guides cookie box ( I had to put it in there along with bedding and toys, as no one else wanted to touch the dead thing) and gave it a nice little hamster funeral incl. a stone on top of the grave so the raccoons don’t dig it up and eat it, a grave marker with a name, an artificial flower, and a cross made out of popsicle sticks. I just hope it didn’t have some kind of animal disease or something that dogs can catch and that Buddy will get it and die now,too….

We also have drug dealers  as neighbours at the house at the corner: in a span of 30 minutes at least 8-10 cars would pull up to their house and they’d go inside for less than 5 minutes each and then leave…..so what would you think? What’s ironic is that the house next door to them used to be drug dealers too until the people moved out, and they even used to leave their Christmas lights on all YR and turn them on as a sign to their customers that they were home and open for business!

The 14 YR old likes to make fun of a TV show I watch as well, Born This Way, a docu-series about adults with Down Syndrome but I just consider where it comes from, a person that watches that stupid America’s Got Talent, a lame-o talent show, and they’re always putting down and insulting my TV shows and all interests and things I like, and I realize that you can’t make someone like you or treat you right, all you can do is try and make an effort and do your best but then know when it’s time to walk away. No one deserves to be abused. I know the way they constantly degrade, belittle, ridicule, criticize, blame, bully, insult, and berate me is emotional abuse, and it feels just like it did with the bullies in school that tormented me and made my life hell….only now it’s my own family doing it which is even worse.

I get the impression that God, for some reason, wants me to hold on, to stay alive, to keep fighting the fight,not to kill myself, as hard as it is to keep holding on sometimes, I can only take so much and it’s so tempting to just let go…. and that in time, a twist of fate will occur where I eventually will get a fresh start, start over, and find happiness and love at last, and when I prayed for a sign what He wants me to do, the Howard Jones song, Things Can Only Get Better randomly came on my iPod! How freaky is that? If He wants me to hold on He’s going to have to give me the strength I need though, and hope as well, so I know it will eventually end and I will find a way out of this toxic environment , and live a life worth living where I’m not always so wound-up with anxiety, nerves, stress, brokenness, dread, worry, misery, hurt, heartbreak,and weariness that I’m always trembling and shaking and a bundle of nerves, constantly on edge.

Marathon.

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I just finished binge-watching a TV marathon of Degrassi, Next Class season 4, all 10 episodes, and what makes it even more remarkable is that only  4 or 5 episodes have even aired on TV yet (out of 10 episodes) yet I was somehow able to get all 10 episodes, the entire season, on YouTube! Because it was on YouTube, where licensed and copyright things are quickly removed as soon as they are observed, I knew I had to watch them all right away, as soon as I could, before they all get taken down! I know it can be at any time, from right now, to a few HRS, to tomorrow to a couple of days, but once they find out it’s up there then it’s gone, so you have to watch it now, right away, so there I was, watching for HRS and by the end my poor eyes were all blurry and my brain couldn’t process anything…. I was a vegetable…

As well,my foot has now finally completely healed; it’s now just a big scar, and the pool guys were supposed to come and finish opening the pool but they never came so we called them to find out and they said they did come but no one answered the door (probably didn’t even hear the doorbell) so they just went to the back and put in 12 packs of the powdered chlorine, etc.explaining why the pool’s now starting to look better, now more of an aqua green colour instead of blackish-dark green, but they still have to come back to put up the ladders!

The 22 YR old’s also back from 2 months in California and funny,too: my hubby( who’s notorious for always getting times wrong) told me he thought his flight arrived at 4 pm….when in actual fact it was just leaving at 1 pm L.A. time, which would be 4 pm our time, and wouldn’t be arriving  until 8:45 our time! I think the time difference might have f*cked him up a bit…… ya think? hahahahahahahahaha!!

Julio And His Friends.

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I still remember Julio and his friends. When I was in Cuba every night I would go to the beach to watch the sun set and I would grab a lounge chair and sit underneath my 2 fave. palm trees and one night there was this group of Cubans in their early 20’s I’d guess that worked at the resort and they were having fun in the water, being boisterous, laughing, yelling, joking around, calling out to eachother, and this one guy would leave the group and run to the shore and someone kept calling out to him to come back, Julio! and then in grand style he’d run back to join his friends and do a somersault on the sand halfway into his run and then jump back into the water.  I enjoyed watching Julio and his friends goofing around, cavorting in the water and having fun, and it reminded me of the fun I used to have with my YMCA group and friends and now whenever I think of my Cuba trip I think about Julio and his friends, they have sort of come to symbolize the happiness and joy I felt at the beach, and on my vacation, and they now have become “immortalized” in this blog, even though they have no idea. For me, Julio and his friends are Cuba.

As well, my mother saw the doctor yesterday for her 6 month check-up and she was worried that he’d find something else wrong with her but the only thing was her BP was really low so he lowered her BP meds; that’s it, and my hubby was only able to drive her to her app’t 45 minutes before as he was “too busy” so she had to sit there in the waiting room and wait for 45 minutes! When I said I thought that was unreasonable and too long she shrugged in resignation, I’ve had to wait my whole life; I’m used to it and I told her, That still doesn’t make it right, and he bawled me out,too, because I gave the 14 YR old her lunch 10 minutes early because it best suited my schedule as I was hot and wanted to go in the shade to cool off and he snorted, You just want to go outside? but my plans, schedule, needs, feelings, and routine aren’t important and don’t matter even though it makes more sense for me to give her lunch first and then go out and be able to stay out for awhile rather than to go out for just 10 minutes and then have to come back in again! Besides, we were supposed to divide up and share the job of planning, preparing and serving out all her meals and snacks for her weight restoration between him, my mother, and I but it turned out somehow that I ended up doing it all just myself so he should just shut up!! I’m so sick of his shit.

Screen Shot 06-19-17 at 03.36 PM 001Here’s also a gross picture I took when I noticed how I had my right leg twisted and you could actually see part of the bone popping out! Isn’t that just creepy? Look carefully, do you see it?The 14 YR old is also going to a performing arts camp in Toronto all of July and the 18 YR old is a leader at Cadets camp all summer, and the stupid Kodi for the TV wasn’t working for me yet again (big surprise!) as I was trying to get the news on, and no one would help me and I was getting mad and they were all laughing at me, goading and taunting me and making fun of me and my mother yelled at me, Shut the f*ck up! and the 16 YR old was spraying water at me from a spray bottle thinking that would “shut me up”, and no one ever helps me( my mother said they’re “tired” of always having to help me, well excuse me for being stupid and always needing help) and they always belittle me, berate and criticize me, and make fun of me and I’m just so sick of it! It really tears me down and hurts my feelings.It makes me just want to curl up and withdraw into myself even more and distance myself from them even further. They’re just  all such assholes that treat me like shit and I really don’t belong here where I feel I’m not wanted, loved, valued, respected, treated with dignity and kindness. I so desperately want to leave but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go….. I pray every day that God shows me a way…

Sweet Ride!

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Check out actor Jamie Foxx’s new gold Bugatti! WOW!!! What a sweet ride! Now that’s what I call a set of wheels! I just absolutely love this car!

……of course it’s reported to have cost around 2 million$$$$$$$…….so keep dreaming.

The Truth About War.

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Guns N’ Roses Lyrics

“Civil War”

“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can’t reach…
So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N’ I don’t like it any more than you men.” *

Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they’ve always done before

Look at the hate we’re breeding
Look at the fear we’re feeding
Look at the lives we’re leading
The way we’ve always done before

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can’t deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

D’you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said, “Peace could last forever.”?
And in my first memories
They shot Kennedy
An’ I went numb when I learned to see
So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
That you can’t trust freedom
When it’s not in your hands
When everybody’s fightin’
For their promised land

And
I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war

Look at the shoes you’re filling
Look at the blood we’re spilling
Look at the world we’re killing
The way we’ve always done before
Look in the doubt we’ve wallowed
Look at the leaders we’ve followed
Look at the lies we’ve swallowed
And I don’t want to hear no more

My hands are tied
For all I’ve seen has changed my mind
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
‘Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars

“We practice selective annihilation of mayors and government officials,
For example, to create a vacuum.
Then we fill that vacuum as popular war advances.
Peace is closer.” **

I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
And I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need one more war

I don’t need one more war
What’s so civil ’bout war anyway?