It’s been a really rough week, I mean really rough. So yesterday, even though it’s not my normal weed day I brought out my trusty bong and my last bud of weed I had left and had a few good hits, because, you know, sometimes you just need a little extra to get you thru days, or in this case, a week, like this, you need to just float away from life. First of all it was crushing to be told that we failed the eating disorders clinic and have it suggested we go elsewhere because the 14 YR old isn’t gaining enough weight like they want and expect, even though I’m doing everything they’d told us,and I’m trying hard, doing my best and putting my all into it, and it’s not easy,ad it’s taking alot out of me physically and emotionally, yet it’s still not enough.
Then, on top of that, I get my CT scan results which highly cause my doctor to suspect cancer, which is why he’s referred me to get the colonoscopy, and even though I want to die and have been ready to die for years it’s still heavy to face the fact that you likely have cancer, which is never an easy thing to hear or face, and then to realize something’s wrong with Buddy,too, as he’s been acting strangely for days and I fear he might be dying….it’s all just too much, and all at once. Just in case though, I’m keeping him close by me all the time, as I don’t want him to wander off and hide somewhere and die alone; I want him with me plus I want to spend as much time with him as I possibly can while he’s still here, and to make what may be his last days special I gave him chicken and beef, a treat, which he ate eagerly so his appetite’s still good which is a good sign, but when he goes for walks now he can only go half way and then he just sits down and won’t budge and I have to carry him the rest of the way home. I can’t bear to lose him though, he’s my best friend, the only light and joy in my life, the only one who loves me, and if I lose him I’ll have nothing, no reason to get up in the mornings anymore, no one to love me, I’ll be lost and alone.I’ll miss not having him following me everywhere I go, greeting me excitedly at the door when I come home, licking me, snuggling with me on the couch, sleeping next to me in bed, going for our walks, always by my side….he’s such a big presence in my life. ♥
They also called yesterday about my colonoscopy(that was fast!) and I get it in just 2 weeks and they said my case was marked as very urgent! and they wanted to do it as soon as possible but originally they had it booked for the same day as the 14 YR old’s app’t (and her health and recovery is most important and comes first) and I said I can do it any day except the days she has her app’t’s so I got it for 2 days later. I was really high when they called too so it was complicated and confusing trying to navigate thru the call with my mind not working and trying to book a date as I didn’t even know what month it is now, and, in fact, I somehow thought it was March! They’re going to mail me an info pack beforehand with instructions I apparantly have some regimen I have to follow before I assume to clear me out so I don’t have any shit all up in there blocking their view,and luckily I will be asleep when they do it( like I was for the endoscope I had before) so I won’t remember any of it,and they said they do use different tubes up people’s asses than they use down people’s throats,not the same one, thank God!
It’s still really warm like summer too and will be for another week, so that’s like 3-4 weeks of summer, like the summer we didn’t get in August, so it’s like August and September switched places and it’s even going up to 31 C and 32 C this weekend with the humidex around 40C! Now it’s actually hot enough to swim,too, except we already closed the pool! When I was sitting outside something weird happened as well: all of a sudden I could smell Babushka, that is, the smell I remember every time I’d smell going to her house or when she’d sit close to me, I could actually smell it, her scent, even though she’s been dead for 12 years. It was the strangest thing, but very nostalgic and comforting. I hope when I die that she’s the one that meets me in Heaven,too, if I have the choice, but maybe they’re assigned, I don’t know…the only bad thing though if I die soon is I’ll never know how The Blacklist ends once the series is over.