No More Pain.

Screen Shot 10-18-17 at 07.08 PM I can really relate to this song. You know how some times there’s lyrics in a song and they just speak to you and sound they were written just for you describing you and your life experience?

Mary J Blige Lyrics

“No More Drama”

So tired, tired of this drama
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I’m so tired, so tired

Broken heart again
Another lesson learn
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I’ll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No one’s gonna make me hurt again

Why’d I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn’t be around
Or maybe I like the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don’t wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (no more game messin with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
Nooone’s gonna make me hurt again
No more tears (no more tears, I’m tired of cryin everynight)
No more fears (no more fears, I really don’t wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
I don’t ever wanna hurt again
Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you’re free from all the pain
Free from all the game
Free from all the stress
So find your happiness
I don’t know
Only God knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It’s up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose
And I choose to win

No more pain (no more pain)
No more game (tired of your playin’ game with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more, no more, No more, no more
No more tears (no more tears, no more cryin every night)
No more fears (no more waking be up in the morning)
No drama, no more in my life

No more drama, no more drama
No more drama, no more drama
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
NO MORE DRAMA
No more drama in my life
So tired, tired of this drama

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Why Wait?

Screen Shot 10-07-17 at 08.27 AM I was thinking if the biopsy of my polyp and colon lining turns out I do have cancer afterall, which is what I actually expect considering the rectal bleeding, massive weight loss, diarrhrea, abdomenal pain, polyp, and family history of colon cancer, I’ve decided before I die things I’d like to do to enjoy what time I do have left incl. renting a Mustang or SmartCar and driving to Toronto to see my old house and spend a day in my old neighbourhood, going to the nail salon and having a French Manicure, going to Jamaica and being back in the Caribbean in my fave. place on the beach watching the sunset, etc, things I love and enjoy and that make me happy, and then the thought occurred to me….why wait? Why have to wait until I’m dying before I do these things? Why can’t I just do them now regardless, other than for financial reasons, esp. the Jamaica trip; if it’s going to bring some joy and happiness into my life why should I have to wait until my life is ending and almost over before I do the things I love? Why shouldn’t I be doing them all along, all thru my life? Why save it all up and wait until the end? Why not try and enjoy living right now,too, in the moment?

I also decided if it turns out a false alarm and I don’t have cancer (and if I don’t then my hubby probably really is poisoning me afterall as that would also explain my symptoms and deterioration over the past months; the drastic weight loss, abdomenal pain, bleeding, diarrhrea, feeling tired, run-down, listless, and drained…) then maybe it’s a chance to start over again, a new life, a second chance, to find happiness , independence,and freedom in my life like I’ve always wanted but always seem to be held back and prevented from. Perhaps I can maybe even try to get a driver’s license like I’ve always wished I had but never attempted due to my perception problem? Maybe I can attempt a driving course and get my license which would afford me more freedom and independence and I could just take off on the open road, windows open, music blaring, with the wind in my hair, I’d feel so free…. I pray to God either way to give me the strength ,guidance,direction,means,courage,and ability that I need to make the necessary changes and to start over again and to find happiness one way or the other. I’ve given up on ever finding love but maybe I can at least find some happiness, freedom, independence, and peace in some way, whether I die soon and find joy in Heaven or am somehow able to break free of this toxic environment and start over with a new beginning somehow because I’ve reached a point now where I’ve just had enough and  I just don’t give a f*ck anymore and just want to walk away and never look back. I’m just so done.

I woke up with a bad headache as well incl. stabbing pain behind my right eye and I’ve had a headache ever since I fainted and hit my head a week and a half ago(but it finally doesn’t hurt anymore unless I touch it now) so it may or may not be related, and in church before Mass we were reciting the Rosary and for a few seconds there wires must have crossed in my head or something because I suddenly didn’t understand the words and what everyone was saying in unison sounded like jibberish (and I also felt really sweaty) even though this is something I know by heart and then it was ok,  and I hadn’t heard the John Fogerty song The Old Man Down The Road in something like 35 years and I’m glad since I hate that song and I find it really annoying and it bugs me but lately all of a sudden I keep hearing it on the radio alot and so it makes me wonder if it’s trying to tell me something in the lyrics perhaps, but the only thing I could possibly see in it is where it says  about gotta run, gotta hide… that’s most of my life; running and hiding, fleeing danger so I wonder if there’s yet another  danger just ahead…great….that’s all we need!

My hubby and the 14 YR old were also hassling me about Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) because I don’t celebrate it and they like to taunt me about it so I just walked away and left the room, trying to avoid conflict and not give them the satisfaction. I don’t need this and I’m not putting up with their shit. I’ve had enough. Ignore the assholes. Just consider where it comes from. They’re not worth it. My mother had also asked my hubby to bring up the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner upstairs from the freezer as both her and I get out of breath going up and down stairs and of course he forgot and didn’t and then he went out so she grumbled that she had to do it and I told her just to have the 10 YR old do it; he’s young and strong and goes up and down the stairs all the time and this is something that he is capable of doing and can do to help but she would have none of it; he’s her little precious and she doesn’t dare want him doing any WORK,and when I asked her why she doesn’t want him to she sniffled, I just don’t!…. yet then complained how now she had to do it and how exhausted she was and how she always has to pick up the slack,etc, playing the victim and martyr when really it’s her own doing; she just makes more work for herself when she doesn’t have to and then complains about it!

The Scavenger.

Screen Shot 10-02-17 at 03.57 PM When the neighbours next door got evicted they left most, if not all, of their furniture behind, I guess having only a few days notice to move out they’re just staying with family or friends or something and didn’t have room to take their stuff, either that, or they just left it all behind for the landlord to clean up just to piss her off for kicking them out. In any case they had this huge dumpster next to the house and spent all day yesterday throwing stuff into it and the 14 YR old saw it was so excited and ran outside gleefully, looking to see what free treasure she might be able to find and pick up. She’d go back and forth several times over the day to check out what new finds awaited her, and even got mad when other people on the street moved in on her turf, and they said they only did half the house and doing the rest today so she’s super excited and looking forward to more scavenging today,too! Let’s go on a scavenger hunt!

I swear, that kid is such a scavenger, a garbage-picker, just like a raccoon, rooting thru other people’s disgarded trash, seeing what she can find,she like garage sales( which I call garbage sales) and yard sales,too; she’s shameless( what next, dumpster diving? Look what I found! A perfectly good sandwich, and it’s only half eaten!) and she gathered up quite a few finds, such as a bookcase, a chair, a couple of tables, a wine rack (she has no use for but says she’s going to “re-purpose”) and even a small trampoline for the 10 YR old I was hoping would deter him from jumping on the furniture( as he’s shredded a couch!) but now he just uses it to jump from the mini trampoline onto the couch and back and forth again! She reminds me of our old neighbour in Ottawa who would also check out on garbage day and walk around the neighbourhood picking thru everyone’s garbage looking for items.

The oozing, weeping burn on my arm continues to get bigger, redder, and hurt even more, alot more than it should, around a 7/10 now on the pain scale, like it’s eating it’s way down thru the muscle and bone, and it makes me wonder if it’s this bad if perhaps I maybe even broke it when I’d fainted those 2 times and fell hard? I was unconscious afterall and didn’t wake up until awhile after, so I don’t know what I might have hit on the way down, maybe on the counter or the stove or something… my cousin’s CT scan of her colon came back ok as well; she’d had a twisting in her bowel so between that and our family history of colon cancer is why she had hers done and she just returned from another Caribbean cruise and is going on a 2 month one to Australia in March too, the lucky duck!

I also head the sad news that Tom Petty had massive cardiac arrest and was taken off life support and it just breaks my heart.He’s only 66. He’s always been one of my faves ever since I was 12 or 13 and I finally got to see him in concert 1-2 years ago and I’m now esp. glad that I did. I guess all my faves. will be dying soon as well as they’re all pretty well around the same age, late 60’s/ early 70’s, so that could mean that Robbie Robertson, Lenny Kravitz( although he’s just in his 50’s) Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, etc.. could die anytime now as well. I don’t want to live in a world without Tom Petty in it though. I can’t even imagine. At least the band up in Heaven will be getting even better though.

A Rough Week.

Screen Shot 09-22-17 at 06.45 PM It’s been a really rough week, I mean really rough. So yesterday, even though it’s not my normal weed day I brought out my trusty bong and my last bud of weed I had left and had a few good hits, because, you know, sometimes you just need a little extra to get you thru days, or in this case, a week, like this, you need to just float away from life. First of all it was crushing to be told that we failed the eating disorders clinic and have it suggested we go elsewhere because the 14 YR old isn’t gaining enough weight like they want and expect, even though I’m doing everything they’d told us,and I’m trying hard, doing my best and putting my all into it, and it’s not easy,ad it’s taking alot out of me physically and emotionally, yet it’s still not enough.

Then, on top of that, I get my CT scan results which highly cause my doctor to suspect cancer, which is why he’s referred me to get the colonoscopy, and even though I want to die and have been ready to die for years it’s still heavy to face the fact that you likely have cancer, which is never an easy thing to hear or face, and then to realize something’s wrong with Buddy,too, as he’s been acting strangely for days and I fear he might be dying….it’s all just too much, and all at once. Just in case though, I’m keeping him close by me all the time, as I don’t want him to wander off and hide somewhere and die alone; I want him with me plus I want to spend as much time with him as I possibly can while he’s still here, and to make what may be his last days special I gave him chicken and beef, a treat, which he ate eagerly so his appetite’s still good which is a good sign, but when he goes for walks now he can only go half way and then he just sits down and won’t budge and I have to carry him the rest of the way home. I can’t bear to lose him though, he’s my best friend, the only light and joy in my life, the only one who loves me, and if I lose him I’ll have nothing, no reason to get up in the mornings anymore, no one to love me, I’ll be lost and alone.I’ll miss not having him following me everywhere I go, greeting me excitedly at the door when I come home, licking me, snuggling with me on the couch, sleeping next to me in bed, going for our walks, always by my side….he’s such a big presence in my life. ♥

They also called yesterday about my colonoscopy(that was fast!) and I get it in just 2 weeks and they said my case was marked as very urgent! and they wanted to do it as soon as possible but originally they had it booked for the same day as the 14 YR old’s app’t (and her health and recovery is most important and comes first) and I said I can do it any day except the days she has her app’t’s so I got it for 2 days later. I was really high when they called too so it was complicated and confusing trying to navigate thru the call with my mind not working and trying to book a date as I didn’t even know what month it is now, and, in fact, I somehow thought it was March! They’re going to mail me an info pack beforehand with instructions I apparantly have some regimen I have to follow before I assume to clear me out so I don’t have any shit all up in there blocking their view,and luckily I will be asleep when they do it( like I was for the endoscope I had before) so I won’t remember any of it,and they said they do use different tubes up people’s asses than they use down people’s throats,not the same one, thank God!

It’s still really warm like summer too and will be for another week, so that’s like 3-4 weeks of summer, like the summer we didn’t get in August, so it’s like August and September switched places and it’s even going up to 31 C and 32 C this weekend with the humidex around 40C! Now it’s actually hot enough to swim,too, except we already closed the pool! When I was sitting outside something weird happened as well: all of a sudden I could smell Babushka, that is, the smell I remember every time I’d smell going to her house or when she’d sit close to me, I could actually smell it, her scent, even though she’s been dead for 12 years. It was the strangest thing, but very nostalgic and comforting. I hope when I die that she’s the one that meets me in Heaven,too, if I have the choice, but maybe they’re assigned, I don’t know…the only bad thing though if I die soon is I’ll never know how The Blacklist  ends once the series is over.

My Day.

Screen Shot 09-02-17 at 06.39 PM You know that Charly Black song This Is My Day where he says it’s his day off and he’s not going to work at all but just relax and smoke( weed) all day?  Well, that’s sort of what yesterday was like for me. It was My Day. The rest of the family still hadn’t come home yet after a few days away in Toronto and Ottawa on their mini-vacation and I took the entire day to just have a nice relaxing day to chill out, pamper myself, indulge, relax,and enjoy.  I uploaded some new music onto my iPod(I just couldn’t find a Scorpions song I was looking for), I put a nice bamboo,sandalwood, and teak scented bath bomb into a nice deep tub full of hot water and submerged into a nice relaxing hot bath until the water got too cold and the skin on my fingers and toes wrinkled.I even opened up a new tube of toothpaste and indulged instead of always squeezing the last gooey gobs out of the old tube! I dyed my hair,too, toning the platinum blonde of summer down to a light ash blonde for fall, and the other day I also put the fall decor up,too.

I also found some old Easter chocolate( from either this year, or maybe even last year….who really knows…) and I was so overjoyed at my find I gleefully ate it all….until I saw it had bugs in it and realized I’d eaten some, and I also had my weed, so I lay out in the sun and chilled out and relaxed,just floating off, imagining what it would be like if the clouds I was staring up at were tie-dye, and I hung out with Buddy, my faithful companion, picking off imaginary bugs out of his fur, and there’s nothing like the love of an old dog. ♥

We also ordered in KFC delivery for dinner for the 4 of us that still remained at home but it was tricky for me managing to order it online as I was high as f*ck and it was really complicated and my brain couldn’t comprehend it and I had a really hard time trying to process it. I also was fascinated with the moss I had discovered had grown on our outdoor backyard green porch carpet and I kept running my fingers along it-it felt like velvet- and now it looks like Astroturf. I also came to the realization that I’m beautiful, only on the inside, so no one sees it.

The 22 YR old’s GF and her parents also arrived from California so she can settle into her college campus and dorm, which is in a town about 20 minutes away from here, and hopefully they can also come over for a visit here before they head back home,too. I expect they’ll be my future in-laws ( at least I think that’s the term used of the parents when their kids marry eachother) and it’s so cute seeing the 22 YR old and his GF together too, they’re just so sweet! She already feels like a part of our family and the girls see her like a sister.

.Random parting thought: Sex, drugs, and rock & roll!  😀

 

Book Review: The Ebb Tide.

Screen Shot 08-29-17 at 07.45 AM I finally got to read Beverly Lewis’ newest Amish-themed novel The Ebb Tide ( her latest is coming out next week! I wonder how long until I get to read that one?) My hubby said  he’d ordered it, but that was way back in April so I just thought he said that but didn’t really but it finally showed up! It took me 2 days to read instead of the usual day because it came later in the day so it was broken up over a period of 2 days.

Sallie is a young Amish woman who has wanderlust and has always dreamed of travel to faraway places,with a special longing for Australia and going to the beach and the ocean. Travel isn’t allowed for the Amish, who are expected to be uniform and conform, not be individual and dream of life away from the farm and community, but she hasn’t yet been baptized into the church, something that concerns her mother and that somehow always keeps getting delayed. Both these goals conflict.

Sallie has saved up enough $$$$ from her job as a waitress to finally fulfill her dream of going to Australia, with the plan when she returns to get baptized, but then her little nephew needs life-saving heart surgery and there isn’t enough $$$$ from the community fund so she donates the $$$$ she’s saved up for her trip. God has a way of working miracles and working things out for the good, however, and Sallie is overjoyed to be given the opportunity to be a nanny to a family over the summer that has a summer home at the beach, along the ocean, where she can partly fulfill her dream for travel, where she falls in love with the ocean and finds inner peace and contentment.

During the summer, Sallie also meets a Mennonite marine biologist named Kevin who is continuing his studies and shares Sallie’s love of the ocean and travel. The two become close and Sallie realizes she cares for him more than a friend and breaks things off, figuring they come from 2 different worlds and can’t share a future. She returns home at the end of the summer and gets back to Amish life on the farm but her heart remains there and with Kevin. She tries to settle for an Amish guy ,planning to marry him, join the church and be content, but she can’t. Something beyond her world still continues to pull at her and eventually she and Kevin reconcile and marry and she joins his Mennonite church, allowing her more freedom and individuality, the ability to travel( and with his job they are always living along the ocean coastline) but at the same time still living a life faithful to God, and as a bonus his parents even sent them on a trip to Australia for their honeymoon!

Glory Days.

Screen Shot 08-17-17 at 08.43 AM I have the 80’s Bruce Springsteen song Glory Days on my iPod. I have quite a few of his actually; I’ve always been a fan of The Boss. The song tells about the time in people’s lives when they were at their “peak”, when they were beautiful, popular, at their best, at the top of their game, a time you look back on fondly with happy nostalgic memories. My glory days would have to be when I was 20 and 21 years old, those 2 years I was at the YMCA group in Ottawa. It was the first, and only, time I ever felt like I fit in and belonged, and where I came out of my shell and blossomed, where I made friends and even dare say I was ……popular. I liked everyone there and they all liked me. For once I was accepted and liked for me, and I even ended up on the planning committee where I would plan and organize events for the group.

Everyone in the YMCA group had some issue or other, be it mental, emotional, or social,and every single one of us shared similar experiences of being bullied in school and of being different, we were all outcasts but at the group we accepted one another and all got along. We could be ourselves and no one cared. I made so many great friends there and they were so wonderful, the best people ever and that was 2 of the best years of my life. There was no one there that I didn’t like. It was a time where I was outgoing, happy, I laughed, I smiled, I had fun, I was involved and included, it was all before the worst of the traumas came along and broke me. I was so different  then. I was happy with myself and with life. I had friends that cared about me. I was part of something, of a community. I belonged. I had finally found My People.

I was so sad when the group shut down.It originally had something like 40 people and eventually dwindled down to less than 10. I still kept in touch with my friends but it was sad as I looked forward to the weekly outings and the activities were always the highlight of my week and we always had so much fun. We would go to different venues, such as restaurants, bowling, horseback riding, swimming, camping, dances, etc. I was really happy then and I saw a side of myself that I didn’t even know existed. Those were my Glory Days. All I got was 2 years but it was 2 of the best years of my life. I was so happy, so social, so outgoing, so glorious. I’m so grateful for it.