Lilacs.

FlowersMay2018 It’s now lilac season. I’ve always loved lilacs; they have the best scent ever. My fave are the purple ones, which are the most common although they do also come in pink and white.I remember when I was a kid my Babushka and my aunt used to have them in their backyards. So I went and picked some and filled up 5 vases thru the house to fill the entire place with the sweet glorious fragrance. Here in the photo I added some lilacs to a bouquet I already had. Unlike when I was a bold, brazen kid and I’d snatch them from anywhere, even off people’s properties(I even remember getting caught a few times, incl. one time where the homeowner physically grabbed me, restraining me and threatened to call the police but I broke free and took off), now(I have better ethics) I only take them from public areas, and these ones I got from a public area, along a pathway beside the waterfront.

As I was snapping them off( after years of practice I don’t even need clippers, I’ve become adept at just bending and pulling them off  just the right way with my bare hands) there was this bird that kept hovering overhead near me and kept squawking, likely it had a nest there it didn’t want me to disturb, and being by the water and looking out onto the bay reminded me of fond, happy memories of when I was a kid at the cottage too, at the beach , swimming in the lake and going on the motorboats. I’ve always loved the water.

SunflowersNew I also had to change my plans and revise my sunflower garden. I went to water the newly-planted seeds today and to my dismay I saw that the soil had all been overturned and dug up and the seeds were scattered along the top, cracked open and eaten by either the damn birds or squirrels so what I did instead is(luckily I still had another pack of seeds left!) I used the container seen in the photo above, which has 12 little compartments, and filled each one with soil and planted one seed in each and put it in the windowsill where we get sun, the idea being they can grow indoors and then once they become seedlings I can transplant them back outside once they’re bigger and stronger and no longer a seed that can be eaten.

My hubby was ripping into me again for muting the redneck sports on the news again even though it’s the one thing I just can’t stand and he hardly ever even watches the news anyway; that’s my thing, but he still thinks he takes priority and can just take over and what he wants over-rides and over-rules everything and everyone else, and I don’t care if he watches it; he can watch it all he wants on his own, just not when I’m in the room; I don’t want to see or hear it, so then him and my mother tell me to leave the room, even though I’m the one that’s actually watching the news and I was there first, and she hates it,too, and mutes it or leaves when it comes on, but when he’s around she still always takes his side and they always gang up against me, and then he says he’s not going to drive me to my medical app’ts or anywhere else, trying to threaten me, just because I mute it, even though driving family to app’ts and activities is still part of his responsibility to this family whether I mute sports or not, and he knows that(and redneck country music) is the one thing that really annoys me and I won’t tolerate in my presence, which is precisely why he makes such a big deal out of it; just to aggravate me and to try and threaten, control, and “punish” me. I long for the day when I never have to look at his pointy nose and his beady little eyes ever again….he’s such an asshole….. I just want to walk away and never look back.

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Sunflowers.

IMG_1380[1] Now it’s the long weekend in May and safe from frost traditionally I planted the sunflower seeds for my garden this year. I hope they work though and the birds don’t eat the seeds before they have a chance to grow. I have them poolside, leaning up against the fence. I’m looking forward to it so I hope they work, and I put an entire pack of seeds in, allowing for likely half to die so we’ll see how many flowers I end up with and if I die before they bloom in late summer then every time my family sees them they can remember me by my sunflower garden.Every time they see the sunflowers they can think of me.

We also had a BBQ and if today is my last day alive I had a good day; I planted sunflowers, I smelled lilacs; I spent it outside with the 11 YR old who was bouncing on the trampoline and when I took Buddy out for his walks the lilacs were out on the neighbours’ and I could smell their sweet fragrance every time I went by and I love the rhythm of the neighbourhood as I go on our walks too and don’t want to move. The girls tried to cut my hubby’s hair too only they forgot to put the clipper on the razor so now he has some bald patches(it’s really noticeable too but he can always wear a hat for a couple of weeks until it grows back in) and when I came home from church yesterday and got undressed I noticed I’d worn my blouse inside-out the entire time, but it was one of those gauze, flowy, embroidered “Peasant” blouses so it sort of looks the same way either way so hopefully no one even noticed…

Cupcakes The 16 YR old also baked these “sundae” cupcakes and most people thought they were too sweet but that’s the point. Buddy and I loved them. I also heard this song on my radio last night when I was in bed from The Who (one of my fave. bands) I recognized from when I was a kid and it brought back happy nostalgic memories and I wanted to get it for my iPod only I didn’t know the title and only remembered a few words from the lyrics this morning when I got up and they have literally hundreds of songs so it was really hard trying to find it and then the inspiration just suddenly popped into my head, Check under Pete Townshend…. as he was the main writer for most of their songs…..and sure enough, I found it! It was actually one of his  solo songs, and not from The Who as such, which was why I was having so much trouble finding it before as I was checking under the band name. The name of the song is Let My Love Open The Door, BTW, in case you were wondering.

I also see the gastro doc this week and he’ll have answers to my tests such as the scan to see if I do have blocked bile ducts or any other liver issues and if the genetic test came back positive for the liver enzyme that also affects the lungs so hopefully I’ll have some answers but I fear it’ll be the same as always; they’ll say that all the tests came back normal and still no explanation for my symptoms and pain…then the week after I see the cardiologist, the handsome Egyptian guy and I will be nervous and awkward for that app’t because he’s just so hot and I’ll be distracted and it’ll be hard for me to be able to concentrate on what he’s saying to me when all I can think about is how much I want to f*ck him and imagining kissing every inch of his glorious bronzed body….oh, my God…..

 

Bowser.

Bowser This is the Bowser character( from the Mario games) costume that my hubby hand made for his cosplay events. He painstakenly worked on it every single day for months and put so much work, time,and effort into it, it was almost an obsession. It turned out really well though but what I don’t get is why he does this and goes thru all that effort for something that he’s just going to wear once or twice. I mean, wouldn’t it be alot easier and save more time and effort if he just bought or rented a costume that came already made?It looks good but I think it’s going to be awfully big, bulky, hot and cumbersome to be wearing it for 8-12 hours a day, esp. walking around in it, and in the summer! He’ll be lucky if he doesn’t pass out from heat stroke!

My stomach and abdomenal pain continues to keep getting worse and now at the level of pain I can hardly tolerate, in fact, so bad that I feel like I’m going to throw up from the pain, and I have explosive diarrhrea for the past 2 days as well and it makes me wonder if maybe I have e-coli esp. since I did eat Romaine lettuce on my sandwich a few days ago and there is an outbreak….it just makes me wonder; it might explain the severe pain and the shits…Or, perhaps maybe something’s on the verge of rupturing, a tumour hiding somewhere, or it’s a pulmonary embolism or something( and I have had this nagging cough for months now) and for the past month or so I’ve been really hungry too so I wonder if it’s a side-effect of my ulcer meds? The 23 YR old also hurt his ankle at jiu-jitsu and it’s swollen and hurts and he can’t bear pressure on it and so I wonder if it’s broken or at least sprained and I told him he should get it checked out but you know how guys are….

My mind is also so out of focus that the other day at the restaurant calling home to tell my hubby we were ready to be picked up I forgot my own phone number and had to ask my mother what it was; there I was, standing there holding the phone in my hand and I went blank and had no idea what number to call…. I just felt so stupid…doing my blog I also make so many mistakes,too, from spelling wrong or leaving entire words out and I always have to correct it; I’m just losing it…all day today Buddy’s also extra anxious and worried too and keeps whimpering and scratching at and licking me all day, and to “spy” on Patti I made up a “ghost” Facebook account(she blocked me, remember?) she’ll never know is from me. I first made up a fake gmail account and then proceeded to make the fake Facebook account so I can access her page. I have to find out updates on Buddy’s puppies somehow yet even after all that she still hasn’t posted since they were born….hhhmmmm… I hope they’re ok…

Going Backwards.

apartments My biggest concern if we have to move closer to Toronto for my hubby’s work if he finds a new job there is the cost as the closer you get to the city the more expensive properties are. In Toronto itself the average 3 bedroom detached house goes for over a million and there will still be 6 of us living at home which is why we also want to downsize to a smaller house(4 bedrooms) as well( now we have 3 floors, 7 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms) to pay less on property taxes and utilities as we’re barely getting by now and finances are a real struggle and every year my mother has to keep taking out loans to just pay the property taxes and home insurance but the problem is that we can’t afford anything in that price range(and our house now is all paid off) and houses are way cheaper here and even anywhere closer to the city you’re still looking at 750K to 900K and there’s still no way; that’s still waaaay out of our price range and the most I’ve seen a house in this area go for is around 450K so if we’re lucky that would be the most we’d get for this house and that’s not even half of the cost of the houses the closer you get to the city. My BFF has a townhouse in Stouffville and even so she paid 650K just for that.

The 23 YR old said we just have to give up on a house, which he calls a “luxury” and rent an apartment instead but none of us want to live in an apartment; it would be going backwards, and there is a difference between downsizing and slumming! His standards are considerably lower than the rest of us though and he’s content to basically just coast along in life, content with the very basic minimum, and his attitude is like, If you end up living out in the street there’s nothing you can do about  it,anyway so why worry….. Why would we ever go from home ownership to renting? If you rent you just keep throwing $$$$ away you’ll never see again and never get anything back out of it, plus the rent always goes up and you can be forced to move anytime, plus we wouldn’t be able to have a dog, and wouldn’t have a backyard and I spend all summer outside, plus we’d hear noise from neighbours above, below and on both sides of us…..there’s no way. That’s not even a consideration or an option. Not happening.

We’re just looking for a smaller house, but still a house. I’ve lived in apartments before and I’d never go back. Ideally we just downsize to a smaller house but more locally where houses are more affordable, not too close to Toronto(as it is now, we live 2 HRS away one way drive) where there’s no way we could ever afford it, and my hubby understandably doesn’t want to drive that long commute every day so maybe another option might be that we don’t have to move at all but just he maybe rents a room there during the week so he’s closer to work and just comes home on the weekends?

As well I watched the new Roseanne show liked I watched the original some 30 years ago and they have the same original cast living in the same house playing the same characters. It was just like old times, like it continued on where it left off. I really liked it and it was nice to see again. They’re such rednecks and it’s so funny. They mentioned a son named Jimmy though and I don’t know where he came from; I don’t remember any “Jimmy” from the old series back in the 80’s; they just had the 3 kids: Becky, Darlene, and DJ……where the hell did Jimmy come from? Today is also the 29th and I keep thinking about that dream I had recently that I die on the 29th…..except I never was informed which 29th (I just know it wasn’t February this year!) of what month and I wonder if today could possibly even be the day? That would be kind of cool though, with it being the Easter Triduum  starting today,with Mass 3 days in a row, with today being Holy Thursday… ending Holy Week, the holiest week of the year….

Dark Energy.

DarkEnergy I was laying on the couch resting,headphones on, with my eyes closed, and all of a sudden I felt the presence of dark energy, like a shadow filling the room, a bad vibe, like a dark presence and I opened my eyes and saw my hubby had entered the room! It was the weirdest, strangest thing. I could literally feel his negativity towards me and his darkness in my life invading my personal space, my peaceful zone, almost like a dark foggy mist that creeped into the room and disrupted my peace. Earlier I was also in the livingroom listening to reggae  on Google Home and he walks in and just turns it off and puts on something else, something like he likes, even though I was listening to that and I was there first, having no regard for me,and then later on when I was listening to Van Halen and he wasn’t even in the same room as me(I was in there by myself) but in the diningroom he still yells at me to turn that “garbage” off…. he’s just a controlling asshole that delights in provoking, goading,and annoying me, likes to walk in and take over, thinks he’s boss,and likes to try to ruin my enjoyment of the music that I love.

As well, my BFF said awhile ago she was in the hospital for 3 days with an infection( and my friend O who had the heart surgery spent a week in the hospital) and they think it might have been her colon and she had a colonoscopy and biopsy just like I did too but it came back normal and she says she goes on these crazy cleansing detoxes as well she recommended to me but no thanks: she only drinks fluids for a week followed by only eating raw food for a week, incl. rabbit. Yes, that’s right: raw rabbit. Ugh, no thanx. I’d be too hungry for one thing and raw meat is just gross.I wonder if that’s what caused her infection? My hubby’s always saying the diet Pepsi I drink is what’s causing all my medical ailments too even though it’s caffeine and sugar free; he just likes to always blame me somehow. She also asked my to be a reference for her passport. Now that I can do.

I was also rolling a Big Fatty and my mother goes, It smells like weed in here! and the 10 YR old went to a Classical Mozart concert(he’s cultured….I like that) the 14 and 16 YR olds have colds, and the 18 YR old pretty well gets 100% on most of her assignments at school and plans to move out of residence next year and find a place elsewhere, and we have now officially started our week off school for March Break! We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog’s prego yet and if Buddy’s going to be a father but they would make beautiful puppies….

 

The Shape Of Water.

shapeOfWater “He doesn’t know what  I lack or how I am incomplete. He sees me for what I am, as I am. He’s happy to see me every time, every day.” This is a quote from the movie The Shape of Water. It sounds like how I feel. It’s like how my dog feels about me and how God sees me and the kind of love I long for and look for with another person. I am lonely and longing and need to be loved but due to my looks, my medical issues, everything I lack it holds me back and I live a lonely miserable life. It was the same for Elisa, the main character in the movie. She was plain-looking, mute, a timid little mouse with a boring job( cleaning lady) and a boring monotonous life. She only had 2 friends; a neighbour and a co-worker.She craved love and affection just like I do, like we all do.

My mother and I have this tradition where every year we watch the Academy Award winning movie of the year even though we never watch the actual awards show. This year’s winner was The Shape of Water and even though I thought it sounded dumb; the idea of a woman falling in love with a sea creature (it was captured and held in a secret gov’t lab where she works and she befriended it and was horrified how it was being abused and mistreated and hatched a plan to free it and they fell in love) but I watched it anyway and it turned out to be much more than that. It showed that the need and longing for love is universal and that love is where you find it. It gives “incomplete” people hope that there really is someone out there that can look beyond the outside appearance, what society sees as unattractive, undesirable, worthless, damaged, incomplete, not “worth” loving, always being over-looked, cast aside, ignored and rejected and see the inside, something worth loving.Even 2 “misfits” can find eachother and find love. You also see how love and being loved and giving love transforms her. That’s what I want,too. Maybe there is some hope,afterall? This movie inspires me.

As well, I’ve had bad stomach pain for the past few days, so either my liver again or my stomach ulcer, and it feels like a gnawing pain,and I’m so tired my eyes sting and they were really itchy too as well as all over, likely jaundice from my liver, and when I told my hubby we need more $$$ as we’re really struggling he told me to go get a job when he knows that with my medical issues I can’t, plus I have no skill or experience in anything and I don’t work well with people, and then there’s also my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia….and I found out that the $$$$ I get I pay the same that he does each month(he also pays for the kids’ lessons and the van expenses) towards family expenses( my contribution pays the bills, for example and some of the groceries) and he has a job so I think I’m doing pretty well considering, and he also snarked I could help out but I’m done with this family; they treat me like shit, no one ever helps me, no one shares, they bully, berate, belittle,insult, and emotionally abuse me. They exclude me and push me away. They make me feel like an unwanted burden. I’m done. I gave up on them a long time ago. I’m finished. I’ve washed my hands of them and dropped out of life. I’ve had enough. I just don’t give a shit anymore. They’ve broken me.I’m done.

Over The Mountain.

Eagle

This song really resonates with me. I can really relate to it. You know how there’s just some songs that seem to be written for you?

OverTheMountainLyrics

As well, my hubby somehow programmed the Google Home device so that it won’t play Bob Marley anymore, so when I request it, it now says it doesn’t understand even though it used to play it no problem before. What an asshole. Just because he doesn’t like reggae he’s sabotaging it purposely so that I can’t listen to it even though he knows I love it but I found a way around it so I can still listen anyway. Nothing will stop my reggae, and especially NOT a controlling asshole like that. Who does he think he is,anyway? I can like, and listen, to whatever I want and he’s not the boss of me. I don’t have to do what he says! He can KISS MY HEMMOROID!! This isn’t even a marriage. It’s a prison sentence.