Julio And His Friends.

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I still remember Julio and his friends. When I was in Cuba every night I would go to the beach to watch the sun set and I would grab a lounge chair and sit underneath my 2 fave. palm trees and one night there was this group of Cubans in their early 20’s I’d guess that worked at the resort and they were having fun in the water, being boisterous, laughing, yelling, joking around, calling out to eachother, and this one guy would leave the group and run to the shore and someone kept calling out to him to come back, Julio! and then in grand style he’d run back to join his friends and do a somersault on the sand halfway into his run and then jump back into the water.  I enjoyed watching Julio and his friends goofing around, cavorting in the water and having fun, and it reminded me of the fun I used to have with my YMCA group and friends and now whenever I think of my Cuba trip I think about Julio and his friends, they have sort of come to symbolize the happiness and joy I felt at the beach, and on my vacation, and they now have become “immortalized” in this blog, even though they have no idea. For me, Julio and his friends are Cuba.

As well, my mother saw the doctor yesterday for her 6 month check-up and she was worried that he’d find something else wrong with her but the only thing was her BP was really low so he lowered her BP meds; that’s it, and my hubby was only able to drive her to her app’t 45 minutes before as he was “too busy” so she had to sit there in the waiting room and wait for 45 minutes! When I said I thought that was unreasonable and too long she shrugged in resignation, I’ve had to wait my whole life; I’m used to it and I told her, That still doesn’t make it right, and he bawled me out,too, because I gave the 14 YR old her lunch 10 minutes early because it best suited my schedule as I was hot and wanted to go in the shade to cool off and he snorted, You just want to go outside? but my plans, schedule, needs, feelings, and routine aren’t important and don’t matter even though it makes more sense for me to give her lunch first and then go out and be able to stay out for awhile rather than to go out for just 10 minutes and then have to come back in again! Besides, we were supposed to divide up and share the job of planning, preparing and serving out all her meals and snacks for her weight restoration between him, my mother, and I but it turned out somehow that I ended up doing it all just myself so he should just shut up!! I’m so sick of his shit.

Screen Shot 06-19-17 at 03.36 PM 001Here’s also a gross picture I took when I noticed how I had my right leg twisted and you could actually see part of the bone popping out! Isn’t that just creepy? Look carefully, do you see it?The 14 YR old is also going to a performing arts camp in Toronto all of July and the 18 YR old is a leader at Cadets camp all summer, and the stupid Kodi for the TV wasn’t working for me yet again (big surprise!) as I was trying to get the news on, and no one would help me and I was getting mad and they were all laughing at me, goading and taunting me and making fun of me and my mother yelled at me, Shut the f*ck up! and the 16 YR old was spraying water at me from a spray bottle thinking that would “shut me up”, and no one ever helps me( my mother said they’re “tired” of always having to help me, well excuse me for being stupid and always needing help) and they always belittle me, berate and criticize me, and make fun of me and I’m just so sick of it! It really tears me down and hurts my feelings.It makes me just want to curl up and withdraw into myself even more and distance myself from them even further. They’re just  all such assholes that treat me like shit and I really don’t belong here where I feel I’m not wanted, loved, valued, respected, treated with dignity and kindness. I so desperately want to leave but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go….. I pray every day that God shows me a way…

Sweet Ride!

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Check out actor Jamie Foxx’s new gold Bugatti! WOW!!! What a sweet ride! Now that’s what I call a set of wheels! I just absolutely love this car!

……of course it’s reported to have cost around 2 million$$$$$$$…….so keep dreaming.

The Truth About War.

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Guns N’ Roses Lyrics

“Civil War”

“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can’t reach…
So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N’ I don’t like it any more than you men.” *

Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they’ve always done before

Look at the hate we’re breeding
Look at the fear we’re feeding
Look at the lives we’re leading
The way we’ve always done before

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can’t deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

D’you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said, “Peace could last forever.”?
And in my first memories
They shot Kennedy
An’ I went numb when I learned to see
So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
That you can’t trust freedom
When it’s not in your hands
When everybody’s fightin’
For their promised land

And
I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war

Look at the shoes you’re filling
Look at the blood we’re spilling
Look at the world we’re killing
The way we’ve always done before
Look in the doubt we’ve wallowed
Look at the leaders we’ve followed
Look at the lies we’ve swallowed
And I don’t want to hear no more

My hands are tied
For all I’ve seen has changed my mind
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
‘Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars

“We practice selective annihilation of mayors and government officials,
For example, to create a vacuum.
Then we fill that vacuum as popular war advances.
Peace is closer.” **

I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
And I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need one more war

I don’t need one more war
What’s so civil ’bout war anyway?

My Mother’s Day.

Screen Shot 05-13-17 at 10.34 PM 001Look at this awesome hippo painting the 17 YR old painted for me for Mother’s Day! (she’s a talented painter and writer) I just completely love  it! I’ve been having trouble finding hippo paintings so she did one for me! That’s one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me! It now hangs proudly in my room, above my bed, next to Jesus. The 15 YR old observed, She forgot the top teeth! but no matter, I love it, and I can just pretend it either lost it’s teeth in a fight with another hippo ( 2 males battling for dominance) or it’s a young calf and it’s teeth haven’t all come in yet,like Fiona.

 

Screen Shot 05-14-17 at 07.38 PM From my hubby I also got these cool purple Converse hi-tops to add to my collection. Usually I’m lucky if I even get a card, and none of the kids either gave me or made me a card and none of them even bothered to even say Happy Mother’s Day, either, but they were away for most of the day so I ended up having a nice quiet break and relaxing day.We also had KFC for dinner as neither my mother or I wanted to cook on Mother’s Day. I asked the 14 YR old for my Mother’s Day gift if she’d let me hug her and she refused and recoiled in horror. I just wish she’d let me love her. I’m not even allowed to look at her, touch her, or even speak to her, and everything I say or do annoys her anyway so I might as well just do what I want whether she likes it or not and to that she threatens, Then I’ll get revenge on you! I just wish I could get thru to her. I wish we could get our old connection and closeness back but she keeps pushing me further and further away no matter how much I try.Truth be told, she’s really horrible to me and it just breaks my heart….I wish she wasn’t so mean, and that I wasn’t always on the receiving end of it.

As well, we had this bad thunderstorm yesterday and church had no power so we had Mass basically in the dark but they did put a few extra candles for a bit of light, and I confessed my suicide attempts too and it was the grumpy old fart but he was surprisingly sympathetic, and for the past week I’m still groggy, spacey,and in a “fog”, I suppose the drugs still in my system, and I asked God for a sign if I’m going to die this year, or maybe even this month (since most people in our family do die in May) that I hear both Stairway To Heaven and Hallelujah yesterday…..and I heard Stairway To Heaven twice; once on the radio and once on my iPod, and then in church one of the hymns was Hallelujah! I couldn’t believe it, and I bet if I die the people at church would actually miss me more than my own family will, even though they don’t even really know me, they see me there every Sunday, I’m like a regular fixture there, part of the weekly routine they get used to seeing and then when I’m not there it’ll seem like something’s missing,and I see them as my church family and spiritual brothers and sisters, but my own family will be glad to be rid of me and will be happy to see me go…..

I remember at the last session with the social worker too when I mentioned how everyone always betrays me and she dismisses and downplays it by saying, What you see as betrayal may not be what I see as betrayal…..uh, excuse me, but I’ll give you one example, and I think that anyone would agree with me that it’s most definitely betrayal: I’d told my hubby my biggest, darkest secret( that I was molested by a relative as a kid for 8 years) a secret I’d never told anyone before that, not even my mother, and make him swear he’d never tell anyone, except he did; he told his sister in an effort to destroy me; she’d kidnapped one of my kids because she only had boys and wanted a girl so she took mine and he helped her and told her my secret so she could use it in court as “ammunition” against me. Fortunately it didn’t work, but that was a HUGE betrayal, and that’s just one example…and now he wonders why I don’t trust him….

 

Cali.

Screen Shot 05-12-17 at 08.08 PM The 22 YR old’s in California now visiting his GF and staying with her and her family and will be gone for 2 months. I love California,too, and, in fact, went there 6 or so times myself as a teen before we finally moved there when I was 17 but we didn’t stay long because we kept getting mugged. Such is our luck. Just as he was finishing up packing and zipping up his suitcase on the way out the zipper broke so I had to let him borrow my luggage but I love that luggage; it’s so funky and I paid a fortune for it so he better take good care of it and make sure it doesn’t get lost, abused, or stolen! I remember the last trip I was on about 2 YRS ago the same thing happened to my suitcase too, only in the airport hotel so I had to  rush and take the hotel’s airport shuttle and buy a new one at the luggage shop at the airport and it cost me 200$!

The 22 YR old has a big itinerary planned out for him as well; he’ll be going to Beverly Hills, a Korn concert( and his GF’s dad is a music promoter,too, so maybe they’ll even get backstage passes?) camping at the beach, etc. This will be his third time in Cali; the second time visiting her and  once with our family. I’m sure he’ll have fun and it’s a little treat for me,too as without him here I won’t have to lock my computer for 2 months as he’s not here to sabotage it by putting Hitler stuff on it or occult things just to annoy me, and we don’t have to hide our food,either, for fear he’s going to take it….. 😀

With my hubby away I also got to finally order the kind of pizza that I like (that would be mushroom and green pepper) instead of always getting the kind he wants all the time, and I enjoyed it so much( it also happened to be my Weed Day, and having Pizza Day and Weed Day on the same day was one of the  best decisions I  ever made!) I ate the entire pizza! (not all at once, mind you, but throughout the entire day!  I also shaved my head into my weekly Buzz-cut and I noticed as well that you can tell my mental state by the length of my hair and, like Katy Perry said, my eyelashes are longer than my hair.

It’s also Mother’s Day today but I decided that no matter what my toxic family may try to say or do to insult, provoke, annoy, or goad me, I’m just going to try and ignore them, stay away from them, and not let them ruin it for me,and how’s this for a sign from God; a nudge? I just got this random e-mail(but addressed to me) from my travel agent saying, What can I do to help you? and stating that she doesn’t only book cruises, but all types of vacations……how about that? Just at the exact time I knowneed to desperately get away if I’m going to have any chance of survival and want to go to a beach resort in the Caribbean….ok, God, that was pretty obvious…..I know that was you! ♥

Speaking of Mother’s Day, with my limitations, such as my Asperger’s, bipolar, depression, etc. it made parenting even harder and more challenging for me than for others, even more of a struggle, but it was my dream, and I did mean well and have good intentions and I did try and did my best, and did the best I could with what I had to work with, but I know the kids hate, blame, and resent me for it, and that I probably wasn’t the mother that they would have liked,wanted, or deserved, but I also can’t help it and I’m also sorry that I “passed on” my crazy on to them and made their lives more difficult having to grow up with a crazy person, but I ‘ve always loved them and cared about them and only ever wanted what was best for them and tried to protect them. I am sorry for being me and even if they don’t see it, or choose not to see it, I do love them in my own way, even if my Asperger’s, bipolar, and depression got in the way or may have “clouded” things and I apologize.

 

Their Little Circle.

Screen Shot 04-23-17 at 02.30 PM 001 My hubby and kids have this little circle together(that sometimes includes others as well) but doesn’t ever include me. I am excluded and they never let me in. For example, they have these “inside jokes” and secrets , secret codes and references and things that are just between them that they refuse to share with me, explain to me or include me in, and they all belong to this group chat I’m not a part of, they communicate with eachother on Skype yet when I sent invitations to include me they refused to accept my requests (and the same goes for Facebook and Miitomo as well) but they have eachother and my hubby included, and  even other people, but never me and I feel so left out, so discarded, so unwanted, so ostracized, so excluded, so pushed away, it feels like they have their own little circle that I’m not a part of, I’m not welcome to, like this elite club they won’t let me join and it makes me feel like I’m back in Jr. High again only this time it’s my own family which makes it even worse that they’re treating me like this and I have no idea why ….and then they wonder why I think my family sucks and I feel like a second-class citizen in my own family and like an outcast.

As well, my hubby ordered me to sweep the leaves and other dirt and debris off the pool cover and around the deck and even had the nerve to tell me to stand on the pool cover to do it but no way- I’m not going to risk falling in and freezing in the frigid cold water! He says it’s strong enough to hold an elephant but I’m not so sure and not going to take a chance, and is it strong enough to hold a hippo? I wasn’t confident enough to try and told him that if he’s so confident it can hold the weight that he can stand on it if he wants but I’m not going to but he declined saying, I don’t want to get wet! Well, I don’t want to fall thru and freeze,either, asshole!Knowing him he was probably setting me up… I just used the long pool brush and swept it off that way from the side but I got out of breath and had to rest and then he yelled at me to keep going(probably hoping I’d pass out or have a heart attack or drop dead) and then I put my back out and then the broom broke so I just gave up. I also said to him, Is there anything else,Massa? He’s so bossy and demanding and then he had the nerve to say I don’t do any work…..excuse me? I’m the one that puts all the chemicals in the pool in the summer, I’m the one that vacuums it, I’m the one that sweeps it….I’m the one that does all the pool care and maintenance….so what the f*ck is he talking about I don’t do any work?

The 13 YR old also says I think I’m “cool” because I have Eminem and Drake songs on my iPod and wear high-top Converse shoes but “cool” has nothing to do with it; I just like what I like and I listen to and wear what I like; I couldn’t care less what’s cool or what’s not cool, and maybe sometimes the things I like also happen to be cool, other times not, but I just do what I like, and don’t give a shit otherwise, and even on her deathbed G.P still had the weed company spray her lawn for weeds even though she won’t even be here and then the 13 YR old said(and it’s probably true!) that my mother on her deathbed will probably say, Did you remember to feed the squirrels? because she’s soooo weirdly obsessed with them, and,in fact, the other day when I tossed them a bruised apple she asked me if I’d cut the apple in slices for them and I told her Are you kidding? They’re rodents and they have sharp teeth they can bite it and unlike the greedy seagulls that don’t share they just take what they need and leave the rest for someone else but I’m not cutting it in slices for them! Not going to happen!Really?

Red Velvet Cake.

Screen Shot 04-06-17 at 03.22 PM 001 Normally I can’t stand Red Velvet cake. There’s just something “off” about the taste so one time I decided to check the ingredients and found out there’s disgusting vinegar (which smells and tastes like stinky feet!) in it, which would explain why I don’t like it as I hate vinegar and it really grosses me out. In fact, salt & vinegar chips are the grossest chip flavour and pretty much the only kind of chips I won’t eat. The other day the girls made a Red Velvet cake from scratch.Now normally I wouldn’t even want any…..except for the fact that I’d had my weed that day, so suddenly that revolting Red Velvet cake started to look pretty enticing…so I ate a piece and it tasted so good…so I had another…and another….and another…until I ended up having 4 pieces of cake in total and in actual fact I could have eaten the entire cake but I didn’t; I left some for other people because I’m considerate that way…..I wondered if maybe their recipe was different and maybe they didn’t put any vinegar in….

Nope.  It turned out it was just the weed. Weed alters, amplifies, expands, enhances, and changes taste(and gives you the munchies), and so when I had another piece the next day….yuck! It was the same old disgusting thing as always, the same Red Velvet cake I’ve always hated. So the science experiment proved that it was the weed that made it appear to taste good, when in actual fact it was still the same gross thing I detested all along.Oh,well…

The 17 YR old also went to University Of Ottawa to write an essay for an entrance exam to try and get into this writing course and she’s a really good writer but it’s a really hard course to get in to, and she loves chocolate just like I do,too, so she got her love of writing, art,history, and chocolate from me, so she’s the most “like” me as far as talent and interests go of all the kids, and “Aunt Flow” came as well, this month 6 days early, whereas last month it was over 6 weeks late! I just wish it would stop already! Where is menopause already? I’m 50 for f*ck’s sake!!

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….and there’s also this: who knew that my sweet little Buddy would be on the Most Wanted list? His people are delinquint thugs disguised as cute little hotdogs, I didn’t choose the thug life; the thug life chose me! HA! He’s a mini terrorist!  I also heard on the radio where they give birthday wishes on-air they said happy birthday to so-and-so from mom,dad, and Christ, and then the DJ goes, What?…..Christ? Oh, wait…..it says Chris! well, I’m sure Jesus wishes you a happy birthday,too! It was sooo funny! I was also watching Criminal Minds and the 21 YR old comes in and demands that he gets the TV ( even though it was my turn) to do his exercise video and I told him I was using it and he had to wait his turn but he thought he could just come in and kick me off, and he snarled, You can be fat and lazy and watch TV any time, I want to do my exercises now! Too bad! He just can’t push me aside because he wants to use it, and it’s typical of how my family thinks I’m least important and I can just be shoved aside if something “better” comes along because it’s just me or something for me and I don’t matter.

I also saw quite a bit of blood in my diarrhrea and I don’t know if it’s a concern like it would normally be( such as an indication of colon cancer or something) or just from “Aunt Flow”, although I did have a tampon in so it was plugged up and so it shouldn’t have been from there and it wasn’t leaking anywhere else and certainly not that much, so it’s making me wonder, and I think my liver might be acting up again,too as my skin is looking jaundiced (yellow) again like it did before when I had the liver failure 10 YRS ago, and it would also explain my itching, extreme fatigue, loss of appetite, weight loss, and overall rundown, sickly, drained feeling….ugh!