Log Jam.

logjam It feels like I have a log jam. I’m shitting 4 times a day but only a bit ever comes out at a time( and it’s not diarrhrea) but it feels like it never empties out completely and feels like I’m literally full of shit and I always feel like I have to shit. On top of that I have alot of gas and the abdomenal, stomach, and lower back pain( that I’ve had for  months now) has been really bad every day now, almost constantly ( except for the few HRS the pain relief lasts when I take my weed; it’s the only thing that eases it, nothing else works, not ibuprofin, Buscopan, Tylenol, etc..) for the past 2 weeks or so and the pain so bad that you curl up in the fetal position and break out into a sweat from the pain.

I’m wondering why it’s getting worse, but whatever is causing it is obviously getting worse and progressing. I DO have an umbilical hernia and diverticulosis(as one of the CT scans showed) as well as a polyp on my colon they removed so maybe that could be it causing the pain, or maybe it could be my stomach ulcer is back again, or maybe a twisting or obstruction of some kind in my bowel, or perhaps even an abdomenal or aortic aneurysm or some kind of cancer? There are so many possibilities but how come whatever it is hasn’t been found or treated yet? This is getting really bad….

AppleSwan As well, this is the apple carving the 16 TR old did and when I put it up on my Facebook everyone marvelled about it, and it reminds me of on the cruise ships how they carve fancy designs into the fruit and display them at the buffet, and watching the news they were discussing domestic violence and the expert was describing abuse doesn’t always have to be physical and if he berates and belittles his wife, is controlling, there is an imbalance of power in the relationship,and she keeps being made to feel smaller and smaller then that’s still abuse….and that’s me, what I go thru, how he treats me,and how I feel. I am being emotionally abused. I knew it. The other day when Buddy and I left the room I also heard him say to the soon-to-be ( next week) 11 year old, It left…. and I’m not sure if he was referring to my dog….or about me.

As well with the #MeToo movement about women who have been sexually assaulted I know I obviously was as a kid by a relative, from age 4-12, but what I also didn’t really realize at the time but I can clearly see now is that I was also assaulted on a subway when I was a teen: I was standing up holding on to a pole as it was packed full and everyone was packed in tight like sardines and I felt this guy standing behind me pressing into me, really hard, into my ass, and then he started thrusting his hips into me, grinding, really hard, and I tried to get away but it was too crowded to be able to move. At first I thought it was an accidental bump in the crowd but then realized he was doing it on purpose and I was shocked but I still never equated it was assault, because assault was something that happened to women alone in dark alleys….I just shrugged it off as some pervert but now I realize it was much more than that and it really hit me once I realized what it really was. I don’t find it hard to believe at all that most women will experience assault or abuse of one form or another during their lives at least once….


The Shape Of Water.

shapeOfWater “He doesn’t know what  I lack or how I am incomplete. He sees me for what I am, as I am. He’s happy to see me every time, every day.” This is a quote from the movie The Shape of Water. It sounds like how I feel. It’s like how my dog feels about me and how God sees me and the kind of love I long for and look for with another person. I am lonely and longing and need to be loved but due to my looks, my medical issues, everything I lack it holds me back and I live a lonely miserable life. It was the same for Elisa, the main character in the movie. She was plain-looking, mute, a timid little mouse with a boring job( cleaning lady) and a boring monotonous life. She only had 2 friends; a neighbour and a co-worker.She craved love and affection just like I do, like we all do.

My mother and I have this tradition where every year we watch the Academy Award winning movie of the year even though we never watch the actual awards show. This year’s winner was The Shape of Water and even though I thought it sounded dumb; the idea of a woman falling in love with a sea creature (it was captured and held in a secret gov’t lab where she works and she befriended it and was horrified how it was being abused and mistreated and hatched a plan to free it and they fell in love) but I watched it anyway and it turned out to be much more than that. It showed that the need and longing for love is universal and that love is where you find it. It gives “incomplete” people hope that there really is someone out there that can look beyond the outside appearance, what society sees as unattractive, undesirable, worthless, damaged, incomplete, not “worth” loving, always being over-looked, cast aside, ignored and rejected and see the inside, something worth loving.Even 2 “misfits” can find eachother and find love. You also see how love and being loved and giving love transforms her. That’s what I want,too. Maybe there is some hope,afterall? This movie inspires me.

As well, I’ve had bad stomach pain for the past few days, so either my liver again or my stomach ulcer, and it feels like a gnawing pain,and I’m so tired my eyes sting and they were really itchy too as well as all over, likely jaundice from my liver, and when I told my hubby we need more $$$ as we’re really struggling he told me to go get a job when he knows that with my medical issues I can’t, plus I have no skill or experience in anything and I don’t work well with people, and then there’s also my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia….and I found out that the $$$$ I get I pay the same that he does each month(he also pays for the kids’ lessons and the van expenses) towards family expenses( my contribution pays the bills, for example and some of the groceries) and he has a job so I think I’m doing pretty well considering, and he also snarked I could help out but I’m done with this family; they treat me like shit, no one ever helps me, no one shares, they bully, berate, belittle,insult, and emotionally abuse me. They exclude me and push me away. They make me feel like an unwanted burden. I’m done. I gave up on them a long time ago. I’m finished. I’ve washed my hands of them and dropped out of life. I’ve had enough. I just don’t give a shit anymore. They’ve broken me.I’m done.

Moving Day.


For the past 4 nights I’ve have my old recurring dream (that I’ve had for years, although not days in a row like this, just every now and then) that I move back to my old Toronto house. Even though I only lived there for 5 years, from age 12-17, of all the houses I’ve ever lived in ( at least 13, maybe more) that house has always been my fave. and the one that I most feel was my home. In my dream my mother and I and Buddy move back there and it’s the same it was as when we moved out in 1984, the same wallpaper, carpeting,etc. and I’m trying to figure out where to put the furniture and the stuff on the walls, etc. and in last night’s “episode” it seemed so real I didn’t even realize that it was a dream and in the dream I remember saying to myself, I’ve had recurring dreams about moving back to my old house for years,and now here I am! I’ve always wonder what, if anything, it means and symbolizes though; is it just happy memories of a place I felt safe, at home, protected from the world, my sanctuary,  and just happy times I wish I could go back to, or is there something more, perhaps meaning I’m going to die soon, symbolizing that I’m going Home soon, as in to Heaven, like how that old Toronto house symbolizes my home…..

Speaking of moving, in the latest dreams there’s also an extra addition to it as well where my mother booked with the moving company to get our stuff and move it to the old house and she signed a contract with the moving date but they never showed up and each day goes by I keep hoping and waiting it’s moving day but they never show up and it never is even though they said Friday….and I keep waiting and waiting, desperate to move back but the movers never show up….. they also sold that house beside D’s old house that was up for over 400 000$ and it didn’t take that long to sell,either, and it must be to out-of-towners as the rednecks in this town couldn’t afford it, and that’s what this town is; mostly run-down cheap aluminum siding houses with the odd nice big old house thrown in here and there, and everyone puts their toilet paper rolls on the wrong way too, with it rubbing along down the wall, and talk low-class in double-negatives too, revealing their obvious lack of education, such as I a’int seen nothin’, I never said nothin’, is that one of them weiner dogs? etc. It just makes my skin crawl. Everyone also wears these plaid flannel shirts and look like farmers and even the women drive pick up trucks!

We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog is prego or not but the vet says not likely since Buddy’s 12 and likely has a low sperm count but I think he’s up for it; I don’t think he “shoots blanks” and I think he’ll show them and prove them wrong; he’s got what it takes, and the 18 YR old for one of her journalism interviews for school had to go to a redneck hockey game! Poor her! She must have got the short straw when it came to assignments, but she also gets good assignments,too, like reviewing live theatre performances and interviewing famous people.My hubby was also 3 days late giving us our $$$ for the month and he brushed it off saying we don’t need it now and I told him We needed it 3 days ago! and he either just doesn’t see how much we struggle financially or he’s in denial, or just doesn’t want to step up, but it’s so bad that we couldn’t even give the kids their allowances until he paid us and we’re so poor now too my mother wants to get a haircut(and needs one) but has to let her hair grow out long because she just doesn’t have the $$$$$. She doesn’t even have the $$$$ for a haircut.

My mother also asked if anyone at church mentioned my Buzz-cut but what are they going to say, like, Oh, my God, you’re bald! What happened? No, they never said anything and they never even stared, but it’s church and they’ve seen me bald many times before so it’s no big deal. I saw this old guy there too, likely near 70 with this much younger woman, 30-40 years younger than him so then in my mind I was wondering, I wonder if that’s his daughter or his girlfriend? so then I tried to guess based on their body language and other clues and I noticed he had a sharp hairstyle and was dressed dapper incl. sunglasses and was looking good, like he was trying to impress someone so I figured she must be his girlfriend and then he put his arm around her and gently rubbed her back…..so, ok…..I guess that answers it, she’s not his daughter! 😀  My father-in-law also had a birthday and he’s now 85. Wow….I sure hope I don’t live that long. It’s depressing even thinking about it.



Graduate The 14 YR old had her LAST appointment at the eating disorders clinic yesterday; she’s been officially discharged and they closed her file; she’s graduated! She’s now 1 pound above her ideal weight  and all her stats are looking good and they commented on how they can clearly notice she looks and seems so much healthier, happier, and better.It’s true; I notice it,too, now there’s a “light” about her, a sparkle, a shine, a glow, a radiance; life. We got a 6 month prescription for the Prozac but they said to end the other medication which bothers me that they’d discharge her first, before having another doctor to follow her up, just in case there are any problems going off the meds( like last time they tried she relapsed) and also just for follow-up care and to re-new meds,etc. as she’s still on the waiting list for a family doctor and it can take months. I also wanted to give her a party to celebrate with balloons, cake, etc. but she said she hates parties.

She’s just doing so well and it’s been 11 months. There were some times, back in the early days, that I’d never thought I’d ever see this day but she’s made so much progress and come so far. That was how it also was when the now 20 YR old had leukemia when he was 7; those earlier days were so dark and just seemed so hopeless and endless I just couldn’t see any light out of the darkness yet now here we are. Thank you, God. As promised for her hard effort, work, progress, and success we went to the Apple store in Kingston right down the street from the hospital and got her the MacBook computer she’s always wanted. She chose the silver and it turns out that it was the last one in that colour in the store. She’s always been “lucky” like that (and she’s always winning prizes and stuff,too) unlike me; I’m the exact opposite! She was just beaming and smiling from ear to ear, she was so happy and it was so nice to see. Damn, those things are expensive though( it took my hubby almost a year to save up) it costs as much as a cruise! She’s earned it though; she’s worked hard, come a long way,and she deserves it.

One of the therapists at the clinic had her baby as well; a girl that weighed…get this…. 11 1/2 pounds, and that’s not a typo! Holy shit….can you imagine? I just cringe thinking about it. That’s not a baby…..that’s a turkey! Of course she had a cesarian for obvious reasons and I’ll bet the baby likely  even broke a record at the hospital too for biggest baby born there! On the way there I also saw a rabbit roadkill on the highway and another as well my hubby and I were arguing over he says is a coyote but I think looks more like a wolf; at first I wondered if it was a dog as it looked like a husky(and it was grey and white) but then I wondered What would a dog be doing way out here on the highway in the middle of nowhere? and it was just next to the forest so I figure likely a wolf as coyotes are more of a brown colour…

I was also contemplating Who am I? In the past I used to define myself as a wife and homeschooling mother but not anymore, not now that the kids are older and there’s this distance between my family and I as they belittle and demean me and continue to push me away, I don’t feel “bonded” to them anymore, and I don’t have a career to define myself by,and even if I did that’s still not who I am; it’s just what I do, and then the answer popped into my head, A child of God.  That’s who I am. I am a child of God. We all are. It just felt like a warm loving embrace from God, a reassurance that He loves me and that I’m not worthless, a nobody, unlovable. I am a child of God. I am made in His Image.I am loved by God. When I walked Buddy at 6 am this crazy old guy at the corner house was also loudly yelling standing out his front porch God’s Name and Dammit! 2-3 times and then went back inside. It was so weird.It was too early to be drunk,too… We have the weirdest people living on our street. We live in Crazytown.

I saw Montego Bay 6 am listed on my hubby’s computer calendar as well ( every app’t he puts on shows up on mine as we share app’t dates on our shared calendar) and I got all excited thinking he had secretly got me a ticket to Jamaica( Bob Marley country!) as a surprise but it turned out it was his friend that’s going….man, I would have loved that, and to which he sniffed, For you it would be a one way ticket! and I replied, That’s what I’d wantI was also talking in the car and he orders me to stop talking and in a put-down, condescending way, sort of how you would to a nattering toddler that just won’t shut up and gets on your one last nerve and he huffs, I was just me being me and I told him, …and you’re just you being you….an asshole! Oh, Dear Lord, what have I ever done to “deserve” this?



Never Good Enough.

IAm I was mentioning something or other about Heaven and my hubby snorted to me, Yeah….like you’re ever going to make it there!  I told him, What can you say? At least I have a strong faith in God, cultivate and nurture that faith, go to church, respect God, and don’t blaspheme holy things, unlike you! What an asshole, and who is he to say,anyway? Only God can judge and at least I try; I make an effort, work towards that goal and have tried to raise my kids godly. Even though they’ve turned away from it at least I did try. I’m really pissed-off though; who does he think he is to say I’m  not worthy of Heaven, that I’m not good enough to make it; what makes him think that he’s “qualified” to judge anybody? He’s a godless heathen! Ultimately,and what really matters, is what God thinks, not other people, and on Judgement Day we will all have to face Him and he doesn’t care if we’re pretty or popular, or smart, or successful; He will judge us on our heart; what we’re really like on the inside, on how much love we have, how much love we give, how kind we are, how compassionate and sympathetic, how we treat others, how much we do the right thing, even when no one else is looking, on our integrity and ethics, on how much we respect and obey Him, how strong our faith is, what kind of person we are…

As well, my hubby also made a snarky comment that I’m to blame, that it’s my fault for having White Matter Disease in my brain, causing me to be forgetful and confused like an old timer with Alzheimers and when I asked him, Really? So does that also mean if it turns out I have a heart defect, or even cancer, that that’s my fault,too?……and the asshole said, yes. Words can’t even begin to describe how miserably unhappy I am with him and how every second of every day I just can’t stand living under the same roof as him anymore(I can’t even bear to look  at him anymore) and just have to get out.I want to divorce his ass and start over; a new life, a new beginning, where I might actually have a shot at being happy but I can’t do it on my own; I need help. The other day Patti and I discussing my toxic family she also asked which of my kids is the nicest to me and I thought for a minute and it’s the oldest and the 18 YR old.

I went to the lab and had more blood work done again as well and got my heart CT scan app’t booked for next week and Patti said she should be able to find out in early March if her dog is pregnant or not….if Buddy is going to be a father…. if her dog is Buddy’s Baby Mama! I don’t really think she’s thought ahead about puppies though as with her perfectionist neat-freak obsessive personality I don’t think she’s aware how messy puppies are; they pee and shit everywhere and chew things up….that’s just going to drive her crazy. She also hadn’t thought ahead of the expenses,either; when we bred our Chihuahuas years ago back in the 80’s the mother needed to eat more prego, and calcium supplements in her diet as well as pre-natal vitamins and she needed an x-ray to check the pups and complications at birth she needed a cesarian with cost 800$ (and that was back then)…and it turned out she died and we had to hand-raise the puppies, incl. feeding them every 2-3 hours,incl. during the night, with a special formula and then they need 3 sets of vaccines before you can sell them at 8 weeks +….in a way it would sort of serve her right if after that she’s not even pregnant….ha,ha…


Family Day And A Birthday!

buffet Yesterday was Family Day and today is Buddy’s birthday. He’s 12 now and for his presents I gave him a chewy and extra meat. Yesterday we went out to eat for lunch but everyone couldn’t all agree on the same place; some wanted Chinese food and others wanted pizza so we ended up splitting up into 2 groups and some of us went to the Chinese buffet and others to Pizza Hut. I went to the buffet as well as the 14 YR old, my mother, the 23 YR old and his GF. My mother was wearing her shirt inside-out as well and was clueless; I was the only one that noticed it; seams and tag clearly visible on the outside and even when I told her she didn’t care and still never went to fix it in the bathroom. I wore my weed shirt and the 23 YR old’s GF said she likes it, unlike my hubby who always makes disparaging comments about it and refuses to be seen out in public with me if I wear it while out with him. Neither the 14 or 16 YR olds wanted to come either, or at least not with our family; I can see that but free food is free food and I’ve been looking forward to the buffet for over a week!

My mother also threatened me to stop buying so “much” weed and to stop spending or she’s going to go to the bank and cancel my credit card! Once again, she likes to hold $$$$ over people for power and control. I need that card; I’ve had one ever since I was 16 and there are many things you can only buy using a credit card, such as my weed or anything online! If she did that to me I’d be so beyond mad I don’t know what I’d do…My hubby, the 10, 14, and 16 YR olds were also being mean to Buddy (just to upset me) calling him “ugly”, saying he’s “ugly” and that they hope Buddy dies soon and when the 16 YR old walked by and saw Buddy laying in his bed resting she snarked You’re so lazy, just like your owner! meaning me. I honestly don’t know why they’re so mean or why they hate me so much. Regardless, their level of meanness and lack of empathy is really troubling to me…

Karma came back to Patti as well for the way she was during my visit: she said the meat I brought over for Buddy that made him barf the one day and that he refused the next but that her dog loved and gobbled up so when I left I left it behind for her since she liked it and so not to waste food…..well….Patti sent me a FB message bitching how my meat made her sick….she’s barfed and done a diarrhrea all over Patti’s newly-washed bedsheets on her bed. All I can do is laugh and say to myself: ha, ha! serves you right! It’s extra mild out today and tomorrow as well: 14 C but lots of rain and now pretty much all of the snow has all melted away now. I’m also really dizzy, off-balance, and staggering around the past few days,too, even on the days I DON’T have any weed, so it’s not that; it’s whatever medical issues are plaguing me. I’ve had this constant cough for months too, even worse during the night, and now for the past few days it’s been worse as well. Shit. I’m falling apart. Physically and emotionally.Literally.



MRIPrep Here I am, dressed , prepped and waiting for my MRI, which I had yesterday. This time it only took about 15 minutes, I guess since they were only focusing on one specific part ( liver and bile duct) whereas the other times it took much longer, an hour or so, but it was a full-body scan. I’m glad I changed socks before I left too as the original ones I was wearing had holes in the heels and it reminded me of what my great-grandmother on my mother’s side always used to say, to make sure you never go out with holes in your underwear in case you get in an accident and then at the hospital they’ll see it and think you’re poor. The hardest part is to keep still and not move the entire time so I just went off to my Happy Place and pretended I was on the beach in the Caribbean by the ocean, under a palm tree,  in the sun. Being enclosed and strapped in the capsule like that also seemed to Sci-Fi as well and made me feel like I was about to be launched off into space somewhere and there was also this grey line that went all the way down the middle of the tube along the top and it made me wonder if it’s there for some functional reason or just to give us something to look up at while we’re entombed in there although most of the time I kept my eyes shut.

During some the test I felt a warmth on my belly and lower back and also cramping in my belly and a burning feeling in my back and abdomen, sort of like when you get a sunburn. I was worried as well it may affect my new tattoo or my manicured nails but it was fine; I didn’t end up getting stuck to the inside of the MRI walls like a magnet on a fridge or anything like that. They said they got lots of good images as well so hopefully they’ll see whatever’s there causing my liver issues, if something’s stuck in a bile duct, for example, or any masses on the liver. Waiting for my ride home I also sat and observed everyone limping and hobbling into the ER and I tried to image what they were in for, and the worst of it was I couldn’t eat or drink up to 3 hours before and I was so thirsty (I dehydrate really easily) I felt like a dried up cactus in the desert, all withering away.

On the way back I also asked my hubby to help me bring in the empty garbage and recycling that was left after pick up, that we each take half and bring it in, and I couldn’t do it all as my arms were full and he refused to help me and snorted, Just make 2 trips! He’s such an asshole and certainly no gentleman and he always does this and makes me do it all myself and never helps. My mother ordered in a pizza last night as well(and never the kind that I like but always only the one my hubby likes) and only gave me 1 slice even though she gave the 10 year old 2 slices and my hubby got 4 slices and when I said it was unfair (I get 2 slices and save one for my lunch the next day) she smirked, paid for it! and she’s always done that, used money as power and control over people and using it to punish and reward people that she likes or doesn’t like and it made me feel like a Second Class citizen in my own home. I’m always the last, the least important, the one left out, given the least; it makes me feel like a dog, being given the crap, the left-overs, the gross parts, the small pieces, the scraps, the morsels left from everyone else….the after thought…

The 16 YR old also mocked and jeered that I was “jealous” about the pizza when really I just want it to be fair and to just be included and treated like everyone else and not inferior, second-class, the one who gets whatever’s left over after the ones that matter eat first. Then she taunted me, At least I’m pretty and people like me, unlike some people! (referring to me)Bye-bye,loser! and I told her, You’re not as pretty as you think you are ( she needs to be humbled) and at least I have ethics! It really concerns me how mean she is; she’s just so full of herself, so shallow, vain and mean, like the Mean Girls in school that look down on and bully everyone else, which she does; she’s always going around saying how pretty she is and how everyone else is ugly and “beneath” her. With me being bullied for years in school that’s NOT how I raised her; it’s not right to talk to anyone like that, let alone your own mother, and my hubby never says anything because he treats me and talks to me the same way; that’s where the kids learned it from. They constantly put me down, insult me, call me names, make fun of my appearance, bully me and generally treat me like shit and then they wonder why I regret having kids, hate my family and life, am miserably unhappy,and want out…… The thought also came into my head: Anyone you meet could be your potential soul-mate…. I just hope God sends whoever it is into my life soon…I desperately need someone to show me life can be worth living again and that I’m worth loving.

I’m pissed-off as well I miss all my TV shows for an entire month because of the dumb Olympics, taking over all the TV networks and it’s not right that everyone should be disrupted and miss their regular shows; not everyone cares or watches that crap. They should put it on TSN so whoever wants to watch it can pay for it and watch 24 hours a day if they want but the rest of us aren’t disrupted and still get to watch our shows,too. That way it’s fair and everyone’s happy. That’s one of my biggest pet-peeves: missing my regular shows because of some stupid sporting event! Why does that shit always take priority, anyway? What about the rest of us, that aren’t rednecks and don’t give a rat’s ass about sports?