Sunflowers.

IMG_1380[1] Now it’s the long weekend in May and safe from frost traditionally I planted the sunflower seeds for my garden this year. I hope they work though and the birds don’t eat the seeds before they have a chance to grow. I have them poolside, leaning up against the fence. I’m looking forward to it so I hope they work, and I put an entire pack of seeds in, allowing for likely half to die so we’ll see how many flowers I end up with and if I die before they bloom in late summer then every time my family sees them they can remember me by my sunflower garden.Every time they see the sunflowers they can think of me.

We also had a BBQ and if today is my last day alive I had a good day; I planted sunflowers, I smelled lilacs; I spent it outside with the 11 YR old who was bouncing on the trampoline and when I took Buddy out for his walks the lilacs were out on the neighbours’ and I could smell their sweet fragrance every time I went by and I love the rhythm of the neighbourhood as I go on our walks too and don’t want to move. The girls tried to cut my hubby’s hair too only they forgot to put the clipper on the razor so now he has some bald patches(it’s really noticeable too but he can always wear a hat for a couple of weeks until it grows back in) and when I came home from church yesterday and got undressed I noticed I’d worn my blouse inside-out the entire time, but it was one of those gauze, flowy, embroidered “Peasant” blouses so it sort of looks the same way either way so hopefully no one even noticed…

Cupcakes The 16 YR old also baked these “sundae” cupcakes and most people thought they were too sweet but that’s the point. Buddy and I loved them. I also heard this song on my radio last night when I was in bed from The Who (one of my fave. bands) I recognized from when I was a kid and it brought back happy nostalgic memories and I wanted to get it for my iPod only I didn’t know the title and only remembered a few words from the lyrics this morning when I got up and they have literally hundreds of songs so it was really hard trying to find it and then the inspiration just suddenly popped into my head, Check under Pete Townshend…. as he was the main writer for most of their songs…..and sure enough, I found it! It was actually one of his  solo songs, and not from The Who as such, which was why I was having so much trouble finding it before as I was checking under the band name. The name of the song is Let My Love Open The Door, BTW, in case you were wondering.

I also see the gastro doc this week and he’ll have answers to my tests such as the scan to see if I do have blocked bile ducts or any other liver issues and if the genetic test came back positive for the liver enzyme that also affects the lungs so hopefully I’ll have some answers but I fear it’ll be the same as always; they’ll say that all the tests came back normal and still no explanation for my symptoms and pain…then the week after I see the cardiologist, the handsome Egyptian guy and I will be nervous and awkward for that app’t because he’s just so hot and I’ll be distracted and it’ll be hard for me to be able to concentrate on what he’s saying to me when all I can think about is how much I want to f*ck him and imagining kissing every inch of his glorious bronzed body….oh, my God…..

 

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Open Windows.

window My hubby didn’t get that job he wanted and applied for, the one he had the interview for last week as they wanted someone more local, who could be right there and be in the office every day, on site, not working remotely from a home office like he does. He said how if we lived closer to the city it would have been possible but at the same time we also can’t afford to live any closer to the city as the houses the closer you get there are all out of our price range. He says he would have alot more opportunities for work if only we could move closer to the city but it’s just not possible due to the high costs so I really don’t know what we’re going to do. Maybe the best solution would be just for him to rent a room in the city somewhere during the week and work and just come home on weekends? He certainly doesn’t want to have to commute the 2 hour-plus drive each way there and back every day to work and yet at the same time there’s no way we can afford to buy a house any closer other than where we already are, so what do we do?

My mother said that when A door closes, a window opens…. and that one ending is another beginning…. indicating that when one opportunity is gone another will show up,and that when one thing is over something new is about to begin; in other words, God provides, which I know He always does, and I’ve also heard a similar expression used meaning the same thing as when one door closes, another opens but my worry is, with our bad luck, what if all of the doors and windows are all closed? What if all of them are all closed and locked up and nothing opens for us? Then what? For other people they have lots of windows and doors that are wide open, and for others some are open and some are closed, but I fear for us that they will always remain closed and never open… and if I ever did walk by an open window my first instinct would be to jump out.

The Pepperoni.

Pizza So my hubby and the kids ordered pizza last night when I was in bed and this time they actually remembered to save me a slice. Often they forget, or they save me the smallest, dinkiest piece ever.This time though, it only had one pepperoni on it and all the others had been all picked off and I could tell as there were still imprints left indented on the cheese where they had been. I was mad(because I always get the crap) and when I asked my hubby what happened to all my pepperoni he just shrugged, You don’t even like pepperoni! but I told him he knows that I always pick mine off and give it to Buddy who loves it and he goes , It fell off…. and then said it was “payback” for when I plucked a pepperoni off the 11 YR old’s pizza he’d left out on his place setting at the table and gave it to the dog……even though he also failed to mention that it was left out there all night, out in the open, not in a bag, container or in any other protective covering and it was all hard and plastic-like and he wasn’t going to eat it and it would have just been thrown out anyways and I wanted to make sure Buddy got it before my mother tossed it out for the squirrels…..

That didn’t matter though; it was just an opportunity for him to get in a little “dig” at me, to be mean, to hurt me, to be an asshole,a shit-disturber, just to piss me off, like he always does and like how he always looks for,and jumps at, every little chance he can find to use to annoy me, only I was having none of it and then I just went and took a piece of pepperoni off a slice of his pizza that he was saving for his lunch and put it back on mine; just taking back what was mine, what he took from me…..and he was FURIOUS! He was yelling at me,berating me,calling me names, and really mad, so it’s ok that he did it to me but he didn’t like it when I did it back to him? Then he threatens that next time they get pizza he won’t save me any more, no more pizza for me,I’m a bitch, etc…. blah, blah, blah…. I don’t know who he thinks he is, but I’m not letting him treat me like that or control me like that. He’s not getting away with that shit. He’s such an asshole, and I don’t really want to say that I hate anyone, but he sure comes close, and is the one person that I severely dislike the most in the world. I have to get out of here. Please God, get me out….get me out of here….

The plumbers also came and fixed the leaking toilet pipes that dripped thru the ceiling and were luckily able to fix it the “quick fix” using a replacement part in just 3 hours for just over 300$. They said they weren’t sure at first if they could, and if not they’d have to tear out and replace the plumbing in the entire third floor which they said was not up to code once they started tearing further into the ceiling and exposed it when the third floor addition was put on long before we bought it and moved in and it would all have to be torn down and rebuilt,not only the plumbing but the entire third floor, costing thousands and thousands(when we just had a 2 bedroom addition put onto our old house it was 40K just for that but that was when we used to have $$$$), which, of course, we don’t have (and my bedroom’s up there,too, can you imagine going months without a bedroom?), and now I’m also wondering is it safe? maybe that’s why we have so many cracks and bulges in our walls and ceilings? Is the house structurally unsound? Is the foundation sinking and the house will eventually collapse or something if it hasn’t been built properly, will the third floor come crashing down onto the others?…..oh, shit, and I did notice a small sink-hole at one side of the house on the other side of the fence and the fence is leaning inwards,and how are we ever going to be able to sell it now? With our luck the entire house will likely get sucked into a gigantic sink hole….

My mother also always makes my hubby a special, separate meal when he doesn’t eat the same meal as the rest of us as if he’s royalty or something even though it’s not a restaurant and you eat what’s served or you go without(or get your own), except for him; she makes his own special stuff because he’s so picky and when I asked about it she coos, I take care of everyone when in actual fact what she really does is meddle, interfere and  take over everything,always with an ulterior motive, all the while acting like she’s some sort of martyr, and she goes out of her way and bends over backwards for my hubby,too, almost as if she’s trying to “win” him over, or impress him,getting him to take her “side”, and it’s so weird the way she treats him more like a son than she’s ever treated me like a daughter and how the two of them always stick together and gang up on me,scheming, and he’ll never stand up to her, either, or take my side or support me(and neither will she against him); it’s like they’re 2 evil partners in crime and I’m always the odd one out. He even tries to sabotage my bond with Buddy now too; he’ll purposely contradict any command I give him(eg. I tell him to Stay! and he’ll call him to Come!) to confuse him,lure him away from me, and to over-rule me and piss me off. I hate my toxic family. I wish I could just go away and never come back.

Is THAT How Normal People Do It?

BNormal Reading my Facebook friends’ accounts of their Mother’s Day celebrations with their families  such as getting cards, flowers, gifts etc. from their kids, phone calls, getting taken out to brunch or dinner, going sailing, being celebrated and told how they’re loved, having meals prepared for them, breakfast in bed, home-made treats, thoughtful gifts and gestures, signs of love, etc. made me say aloud to myself, Is that how normal people do it? ( to redeem himself though, yesterday the 23 year old did finally wish me a belated Happy Mother’s Day and gave me a hug; he said he got the days mixed up and thought it was yesterday) which is something I often find myself saying, thinking, or wondering,often aloud. I compare my crazy dysfunctional, f*cked up family to other people, Is THAT  what normal people do? Is THAT how normal families are? Is THAT what normal people say? Is THAT how normal people are? etc. You get the idea. It always surprises me how completely different other families and other people are from us, how different the dynamics are, how differently they function, how differently they relate to eachother, how differently they do things, how differently they live, and it always leaves me feeling lacking, a loss, a sadness, a longing, and a yearning for the love, encouragement, support, validation, praise, acceptance, inclusion, kindness, belonging, compassion, understanding, security, closeness, bond, and unity I don’t have with my own family.

As well, the 11 YR old finally beat the 15 YR old at a certain video game so it’s now officially been decreed by all the kids that he’s now a Main Character(and no longer a Dog)…yeah…..don’t ask…..I’m not even entirely sure,either; it’s just one of those things my crazy family does…he passed his Main Character Test…. and for the past 3 days I’ve been on IB Gard, which is  a natural formula for IBS, mainly concentrated peppermint  oil that soothes and eases out the kinks and spasms in the abdomen and it seems to be working: I haven’t had the abdomenal pain since and as soon as I notice it flaring up or cramps beginning I take 2 pills and it lets up, so we’ll see, but it looks hopeful….yes, yes. yes…. I have a nice, deep dark tan now as well being outside every day and feeling the warm sun on your face is the best feeling in the world.It’s a gift from God, and it’s free!

Screenshot_566 My Facebook friend in Brazil’s baby also turned 2. Here she is. She’s just so cute. She just keeps getting cuter and cuter all the time. I just had to post this. I can’t believe she’s 2 already. Can you believe she had her when she was like 45 or 46? I also decided that sometimes you just have to live in the moment and those are the best memories, and Buddy woke me up during the night last night,too, furiously pawing at my face and whimpering, and I remember I was coughing so I wonder if I was maybe having a seizure in my sleep again and stopped breathing or something(or choking on a feather from my pillow, perhaps?) and he was trying to revive me, knowing something was wrong? I just love that dog so much. God knew exactly what I needed when He sent him to me. He’s my best friend and my co-pilot in life. Everyone needs someone to walk beside them along the road in life, like Paul had Silas; I have Buddy. He walks along beside me in my journey and is my right-hand man. There’s always a spot for him next to me.

I also had this scary nightmare that the volcano in Hawaii on the news the entire thing blows, and not only that but the entire chain of volcanoes along the Ring Of Fire along the Pacific Coast erupts, and the rumbling during the eruptions then causing massive earthquakes and tsunamis and flooding, decimating the coastlines all along Asia, Australia, and North and South America,; it was catastrophic, like we’ve never seen before, like in one of those doomsday end-of-the-world movies.It was horrible, countries sinking into the ocean, and all those people, millions and millions of people…

The Plumber.

MarioPlumber So, 2 plumbers came to access the damage as to why our ceiling was leaking and then crashed down to the hallway below. It was the toilet like I had suspected…..only it was also much worse; not only is the pipe leaking( they shut off the water to third floor bathroom, so now when I have to get up to pee during the night I have to stumble all the way down to the second floor bathroom in the dark trying not to fall down the stairs in the dark in my semi-awake state) but they have to completely replace all the old copper pipes in that area, even though I thought we already did have all the old copper pipes in the house replaced when we first moved in 15 years ago( I guess there was some they forgot?) and tear out the entire ceiling in the hallway on the second floor below to do it…..yet another expense that we can’t afford…. and this is going to cost thousands of $$$$$$! Where is the $$$$$ going to come from? They said they’ll be back next week so now we have a week without use of the third floor bathroom,and guess who uses that bathroom during the night, to wash her face, and getting up first thing in the morning and before going to bed last thing at night? Yup……me.

Maybe the gastro doctor was right,too: if everything else “major” is eliminated for my stomach and abdomenal pain IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) is left, a gastro condition causing pain, cramping, gas, constipation and diarrhrea and is often seen in people who suffer from depression and stress, most commonly middle-aged women. I wouldn’t be surprised; I have so much stress in my life; now not only does it effect me emotionally but now physically as well but if it is IBS I’m surprised it causes this much pain though but she said it can, and, of course, there’s no cure, it’s just one of those chronic things you have to live with. It figures. Just another health issue to add to my list. Yet another pain in my life.

The thought came to me as well that maybe the reason none of my suicide attempts never work as it’s not my time is that maybe someone still needs me and that someone is Buddy! Even though my family doesn’t give two shits about me and no one else cares about me Buddy loves me and he does depend on me and needs me; I’m the one that takes care of him and looks after all is needs and if he loves me as much as I love him when I’m gone he’ll be devastated and feel lost just like I would without him,and maybe he needs and loves me just as much as I do him, and I need to be here for him. He is the only light, joy,and love in my life, and perhaps, I am his only, too, and God’s keeping me around here a little longer because I have to take care of him and he needs me, relies on me,and loves me?

I also wanted to clarify when I mention about how it broke me when the 15 YR old went thru her struggles being suicidal and anorexic and when she pulled away from me after we had been so close and decided she didn’t love me anymore even though she was the person I was the closest to, and it was the last straw after a long list of years  and years of traumas and  constant misfortunes, tragedies, bad luck,loss, stress, crisis, and and hits that just keep coming and coming that just  pushed me over the edge. I just love her so much when she broke and to watch her fall apart destroyed me and then when she also pulled away from me it just shattered me and it was too much and just broke me.I’d reached my limit. Seeing someone I love so much suffering thru something like that, breaking so hard like that and then being shut out was too much for me and it tore me apart and was the “trigger” point of the beginning of the end for me, the decline I was never able to recover from and the point I just decided I couldn’t go on any more. I don’t blame her; she can’t help breaking any more than I can; it’s just that after what happened to her and to our relationship as a result, it was more than I could handle and it decimated me.

My hubby also had a job interview and there are jobs in Markham and Nova Scotia and Markham is too close to Toronto so there’s no way we could ever afford to live there and Nova Scotia is more affordable, but the Maritimes are known for having really bad weather, being right along the ocean, such as bad hurricanes, flooding, and blizzards, plus they are the provinces(as well as BC) that are very hostile to homeschooling. They said it went well and will let him know in a week. He also got hit by a car! I saw 2 red circles on his shins and I thought it was from working on the fence, that maybe he got his legs mixed up with the fence posts and hammered his legs instead…but someone wasn’t looking where they were going, driving really slowly luckily, and bumped into him….at first I thought he was joking..when he said he was hit by a car…..well, you know, of course I didn’t believe it….

I also heard Classical music coming out of my window A/C…..weird, I know…and Buddy was trying to catch a mouse in the rec room and got trapped amongst a “maze” of boxes and tightly squeezed in furniture and things and was tightly wedged in there and if he’d gone even a bit further he would have gotten stuck and the spot was so small and tight I wouldn’t have been able to get him out; he was almost at the point of no return if he’d kept going after the mouse….so, out of concern for his well-being I called him to Come!…. and he looked confused as to how to get his way back out, but he listened to my voice and followed it until he was able to back out and navigate his way thru the dark “maze” and find his way out back to me, where he popped his head out and saw me and then he perked up, wiggled his body and wagged his tail in joy and ran over to me, bounding over, leaping into my arms, joyfully, and it reminded me of us and God: even when we are afraid, feel alone, are scared,  can’t find our way in a dark, scary situation, don’t know where we are or how to find our way out, don’t be afraid. Just listen to His voice and follow Him and He will see us safely thru and get us out. If we listen to His voice and follow Him he will guide us back to safety, back to Him.

The House.

house1 This is the house the neighbour’s 2 houses over are selling. They’re asking 325K which is surprising, I thought it would be more. They have 4 bedrooms and other than the hideous diarrhrea-green painted exterior( which the new owners can easily change if they want; just re-paint it) it’s a really nice house. Of all the “original” neighbours on our street that were here when we moved in 15 years ago now there’s only 2 of us left; us and L across the street.

house2 What I like best about it is the beautiful old dark wood panelling and hardwood floors, the fireplace and the painted walls ,painted with vibrant colour and not the usual boring bland white.What gets me though is in all these staged realestate photos is how everyone’s houses are always so unrealistically clean. I mean, come on, that’s not reality, that’s not really how people live, esp. when they have kids, and the neighbours have 4 kids, incl. a little guy just 4-5 years old. There’s no way people really keep their homes this immaculately clean and tidy ….and with no clutter? I’ve never been to anyone’s house where it really looks like this….

house3 Look at this, for example, not one thing out of place. Hmmmmmm…. no toys strewn around, no wrappers tossed on the floor, no dust, no smudges on the walls, no clutter, no mess, everything perfectly in it’s place, like one of those showcase homes in those magazines.

house4 Now I’m convinced the realestate people must have hired some professional of some sort to clean it and feng shui it or something.Holy f*ck we’re such slobs I can’t imagine the clean up if we have to put our house up, the cleaning alone will take years! Before I ever had kids our houses were always neat and tidy(although still not quite like this!) and then once they came along they ruined every house. Speaking of moving, it’s only my hubby and the 14 and 16 YR old that even want to move; my mother, the 23 YR old, 11 YR old,and I don’t even want to move; it’s such a stressful, hassle and expense so I suggested that maybe just they move out then and get their own place somewhere and when one of the girls asked how they pay for it, I replied, That’s Papa’s problem; he’s the one that wants to move, not us….

My mother and I also went to our fave. Italian place for our early Mother’s Day lunch. The bill was 60$ which is why we only go twice a year for special occasions as it’s so expensive.They have the best, most amazing, wonderful food there, oh my God. It was glorious! I was hoping it might give us a sort of a chance to “bond” like we used to before I had kids and she changed; over-stepping boundaries, over-ruling and undermining me, sabotaging my discipline with the kids, turning them against me, etc. and there were so many things I wish I could share with her and tell her but I held back because I know better; she’d only throw them back in my face, blame me for it, say I deserve it, try and “convince” me how “good” I have it, put me down, try and make me feel ashamed, etc. When I did lament to her that no one loves me except for my dog she just smugly replied flatly, Be grateful, some people don’t even have that. No caring, no validation, nothing.

Today my stomach, abdomenal and back pain is still soooooo bad. I wish I knew what was causing it, and I never even bothered to tell my family about my most recent(or several of them, in fact) suicide attempt either as there’s really no point. They won’t care anyway and they’d be disappointed too that it didn’t work yet again; they want me dead and will celebrate when I’m gone and probably even dance on my grave,too. They wouldn’t have any concern for me anyway and they’d just tear me down and be hurtful so why would I even mention it? It’s also not fair that other people such as the victims of the recent attack on Yonge St. and the bus crash victims that DON’T want to die, that have hope and futures, and their lives ahead of them and family that loves them and will miss them and that don’t want to die are the ones that end up dying and then there’s people like me that don’t, and that want to die, that have tried several times to ensure it, I beg to God for it, I’m ready for it…and yet I’m still here and they’re not.

Locked Out.

LockedOut

  This will give you some idea of how horribly my family treats me. (and all this all happened in just today) how they always gang up on me, belittle and berate me, degrade and demean me, how they always put me down, insult me, treat me like shit, make me feel like a second-class citizen in my own family, emotionally abuse me, criticize me, and hate me and blame me for my limitations,PTSD, and medical issues(instead of trying to help me heal) etc. They are abusive and I can’t take any more of it yet I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go. My mother and hubby tell me to go live out on the street(be homeless) but I also want to be safe and as for the kids( who see how they treat me and now copy it) tell me just to go and die. Here is a small sample of how I’m treated just based on one day:
  The 14 and 16 YR olds were cleaning near the back door and Buddy(my dog) and I were out in the backyard and they locked us out and wouldn’t even let him in to eat or me even when I said I had to go pee, in fact, the 16 YR old scoffed, “Pee outside!” and they laughed. They made me wait 10 minutes before they finally let me in and I was FURIOUS. On top of that when I told my hubby and my mother they thought nothing of it and said it was MY fault for not going around the side or front door and just coming in that way….except I was wearing a tube top for tanning and I don’t want the neighbours or anyone else to see me; it’s not something I’d go out in public with! It also signifies how I feel in this family: locked out.My hubby also accuses me of “starting drama” just because I speak up and stand up for myself when they attack me, and when I tell them I’m tired always being blamed for everything my mother sneers, Everything is always your fault!
  Later on the 16 YR old wanted my help with something and I reminded her how she locked me out and so I’m not doing her any favours so then she purposely left the backyard gate open hoping Buddy would run out and get loose on the street, just to get me “back” and they always do things like that, and they even say they’re going to kill him just to hurt me.To tell the truth, I don’t feel safe here. Today the 11 and 16 YR olds also put these goofy stickers all over my Jesus pictures on the wall, which is disrespectful,and then they got mad when I peeled them off and put them on their photos and the mirror.The 16 YR old also now refuses to check in on Buddy’s puppies’ progress(I was blocked) so I can see how they’re doing; she’s just doing it to be mean.This is no life. I can’t keep living like this. I have no escape.No one’s ever on my side, or supports me or backs me up or cares or loves me.
  I really don’t know why they hate me so much.I stayed home and raised them and homeschooled them and I always meant well and did the best with what I have. I know they hate and blame me for my brokenness and traumas, not realizing the role that they also played in it. I hope this is the last final indignity. I can’t take any more of this. It has to end one way or the other. I can’t keep doing this. They’ve crushed my spirit, ruined my life, destroyed who I am, taken away everything I once was, beaten me down, and now I’m just a hollow empty shell longing for freedom,love, and happiness I never seem to find, that’s always out of my reach and I fear I’m just not ever meant to have. I feel like a prisoner in my own life.I need to be free and find peace. I have to break away from them somehow and never look back…..I need to break free so they can’t hurt me anymore.