Winter Wonderland.

Screen Shot 12-12-17 at 06.30 PM It snowed last night! I could hardly wait to go out and walk in the snow but Buddy….not so much. When he went out for his early morning walk and saw it he just stood there, frozen and stiff, unmoving,immobile, refusing to budge, as if the poor dog was thinking What the f*ck just happened? This wasn’t here yesterday! What the hell? He hates snow and he didn’t even want to pee but pulled me right back inside so I ended up taking him out onto the road(in-between cars) to go pee quickly as it was the only spot that was plowed clear and him being a low-rider, the snow was deeper than he was tall! Then later on I shovelled him a little pathway he can use. At least now it puts me in the Christmas spirit though and looks like the Christmas season at long last finally.

When the 10 year old was asked what he wants for Christmas he also replied, Pizza from Pizza Hut, and put some $$$$ into the bank for my future. I swear, that kid’s even smarter than I thought! I always knew he was a genius, but what 10 year old thinks that far ahead and asks for something like that? My abdomenal pain’s really bad today as well and I kept getting woken up during the night with a bad cough,too, and next week my hubby and some of the kids are going away on a road trip for part of Christmas Break which also gives me a week of peace and quiet and a break as well.

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Person Of The Year.

Screen Shot 12-06-17 at 06.29 PM I agree: Time Magazine  Person Of The Year: should be Fiona the Hippo! Also along those lines here are my other choices for other worthy and notable distinctions of the year:

Asshole Of The Year:  Donald Trump

Amazing Pet Of The Year: Buddy Humperdinck

Story Of The Year: Exposure of perverts in Hollywood scandal

Disaster Of The Year: Hurricane in Puerto Rico

Best Item I Bought Of The Year: Either tie-dye socks or peach/mango Charmed Aroma bath bomb

My Most Memorable Event Of The Year: When I fainted and hit my head

Musician Of The Year: Tom Petty

Funniest Event Of The Year: When Buddy ate all the pepperoni off the pizza but left the rest behind

Worst Event Of The Year: The 14 YR old’s eating disorder,etc.

Best Thing I Did Of The Year: My solo trip to Cuba

Saddest Event Of The Year: When my Facebook friend died of cancer

Song Of The Year: Despacito by Luis Fonsi

Biggest Surprise Of The Year: I lost 50 pounds without even trying! (but I’m glad!)

Biggest Disappointment Of The Year: I’m still here and haven’t died yet

Indulgence Of The Year: Getting my nails done at the salon

TV Show Of The Year: The Blacklist

Best Gift Of The Year: My purple Converse hi-tops

Movie Of The Year: La La Land

Medical Procedure Of The Year: Colonoscopy

Bloody Hell.

Screen Shot 12-05-17 at 06.38 PM This month Aunt Flow is really bad, and I mean really bad. It’s so heavy it’s practically hemmoraging and I was even wondering if I even had to go to the ER but then decided against it since no one ever takes women’s things seriously anyway, like when I mentioned it to my doctor before he just shrugs it off as part of being a woman and something I have to live with even though I’d had it now for some 37 years and I know what it’s like, what to expect,and what’s normal and I know that this is not and it’s not how I usually have it; it’s changed this past year, alot heavier and crampier, and I thought as you neared menopause it was suppose to lessen and ease up and get better, not worse!

In any case, the cramps are so bad it woke me up at 2:00 so I staggered downstairs to get some medication so I checked my Diva Cup (which I only wear overnight in bed as I sleep because it always falls out when I walk upright so I use tampons during the day) and it was full right to the top and it had only been a few short hours, and normally when it goes all night it’s only half-full or less, plus I’m soaking thru a tampon and it’s string, saturating it, soaking thru to my pants, every hour. I know I’m bleeding way too much and it was hard to get thru at the clinic with the 14 YR old yesterday too the cramps were soooo bad but I just drugged myself up and pushed thru it. I wonder if it’s maybe even uterine cancer or something? Why is it so bad now?

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This is also Buddy with his new toy the 16 YR old got him and it’s even personalized with his name! Isn’t he just adorable? My Old Boy will be 12 in 2 more months and he’s really showing his age now with grey on his face and paws and he’s slowing down walking now,too; we’re growing old and grey together,and maybe we’ll even die together, snuggled up together in bed? The 18 YR old also got 100% on her photojournalism mid-term, and the 23 YR old’s GF has Strep Throat, so he’ll likely catch it now,too, since it’s so contagious and he would have been kissing  her (hee,hee!) and it’s so common among campus and dorm life I remember when my oldest was away at university he had it 3 times!

I also heard that the 18 YR old’s former friend as a teen(who I called Klepto because she stole) had a baby a few days ago, a boy almost 9 pounds and she dropped out of highschool as well, typical teen mom redneck highschool dropout in this town, and  it baffles me when we compare and see the differences in their lives; between the 18 YR old, away at school, and hers, a life most likely spent on welfare living in a trailer.

My hubby’s known for distracted driving as well, such as the typical cell phone but also oddities such as putting on his deoderant, clipping his nails, reaching behind him looking for something, eating sunflower seeds, throwing garbage out the window, etc. while driving, generally on the highway, and the other day he also stupidly took both hands off the wheel and held them up in the air like some sort of crazy fool and I told him, What are you doing? You’re going to get us all killed! This isn’t an airplane you can put on auto-pilot! Man, do I ever hope the cops catch him one day (and I’d laugh my ass off…….and I’d sing like a canary,too!) and he finally gets what he deserves and learns his lesson.

Erase Me.

Screen Shot 11-28-17 at 08.21 AM I feel like I’m being erased; that my family is trying to erase me. I have no say, authority, dominance, power, control, decision-making, or control in my own family, over my own kids, or in my own life. My thoughts, opinions, concerns, needs, suggestions, preferences, requests, and voice don’t matter. I am always vetoed, over-ruled and undermined. My voice,opinion, contribution, and say is always silenced and now it seems like they’re trying to erase me as well  as I realized that there are no photos of me at all displayed in the house; it’s almost as if they want to erase any trace of me, any reminder, any visual indication of my existance or that I live here and am part of this family. We used to have a couple of those old professional studio family photos of myself, my hubby,and the oldest as a baby on the wall in the hallway but they took them down to paint and now are refusing to put them back up even though the other portraits of the kids are still up on the walls, it’s like they just don’t want the ones that include me up there. Other than my own bedroom, the only other traces that I live in this house would be the Bob Marley calendar that hangs at my computer desk. I almost feel like a phantom of some sort; I live in the shadows.

As well, when my hubby un-mutes the redneck sports I have muted on the news because it irks me I used to leave the room because I refuse to stay and subject myself to have to listen to that crap and he can’t force me to listen to it, to look at it, or to like it, and I won’t be controlled, oppressed, suppressed, or dominated like that, but now I decided why should I have to leave? I’m the one sitting there peacefully watching the news and he comes in and just takes over and stirs up drama; so from now on in protest I decided I’ll stay but just put on my iPod and listen to my music(so I don’t have to listen to it and can listen to something that I like) while he has that shit on…..only without my headphones like I normally have when someone’s watching TV, as I figure he doesn’t respect me so why should I turn my music off for him and certainly not for that crap, esp. when he’s just doing it to get me mad! He can suck it!!

I also realized that the 4 people who I either loved the most, trusted the most, or were the closest to in my life, both family and friends, were also the ones who eventually stopped caring about me, betrayed me,and turned on me,as my Asperger’s and bipolar turns everyone off, so that basically everyone I ever loved, trusted, was close to, or depended on got tired of me and threw me away,and the other day I got new revelations as well and one of them was I have someone waiting for me that misses me, waiting for me to return, that loves me, on the other side, and I got the distinct impression that it was my eternal companion, so maybe there really is someone out there for me,afterall, someone other than my dog that does love me, and enough to wait for me to complete my Earthly journey and still be there waiting for me and eagerly waiting for me to come back.

I had a bunch of really awful, scary, horrible revelations as well and they were so awful, so unthinkable that I can’t even think about it or even mention it, and receiving it shook me to the core and I felt like I was going to implode; it was like a overload to my system and something I didn’t want to see or know(and can’t and don’t want to believe) and  I hope and pray I don’t have to have to face and hope I die before it comes. It was also a glorious balmy 14 C yesterday and Buddy and I were outside and had extra long walks and the girls went for a walk into town,too,and it just felt so nice to feel the sun on my face again.

 

The Donuts.

 

Pictured here are the coconut cream donuts that I had to cleverly disguise and hide during the night so that they would still be there for breakfast so that no one would find them and eat them during the night or day before and there would be none left for breakfast, like last time. Last time the 23 year old sneakily took one out, located underneath the label where it remained unnoticed,and he’d inserted a white paper towel, all crumpled up, to fill in the spot where the donut had been, so no one would notice it was missing…..pretty sneaky, but he’s not the only one that’s sneaky, and besides, where do you think he learned it from? So, I turned the box upside-down, covered it up with napkins and put it in another box and hid it on the table buried underneath other boxes, hidden but in plain sight, but so that no one would find it, and it worked! We actually had all of the donuts in tact and accounted for in the morning for breakfast! Such is life at our house, having to hide, label, and disguise food so that there will be enough for everyone.

As well, the 14 YR old is feeling better with her virus, thank God, and last night at 1:30 am I was woken up out of my sleep by a loud, clear and audible voice calling my name and it sounded like my mother and it woke me up and I sat upright in bed, responding, Huh? What? What? Is that you? dazed but also startled and a bit afraid, worried someonething was wrong, some sort of emergency or something being woken up suddenly in the middle of the night like that, but no one was there, just Buddy curled up asleep under the covers beside me, the room calm and quiet and pitch black, so I rolled over and went back to sleep but it wasn’t a dream, it was loud and clear and I know I heard it, I know it was real. When I told my mother later she said it must have been an angel,and I remember a similar experience years ago when the 23 year old was a newborn; I was exhausted from getting up during the night to feed him, I felt like a sleep-deprived prisoner of war, and I just wasn’t waking up when he was crying to be fed and I heard a loud, clear, audible voice calling me, saying, Wake up! It’s time! ( to feed him) and sure enough when I woke up I could hear him crying to eat,and I remember it was the same voice! It sounded remarkably like my mother only it wasn’t her(and it couldn’t have been her mother or grandmother watching over us from Heaven either as they both have distinct European accents) as both times she was fast asleep in her own bed. My Guardian Angel, perhaps?

The 16 YR old also had a visit and tour of a post-secondary school in Toronto yesterday and did the Black Friday shopping thing at the mall but I avoid at all costs; I prefer to NOT be trampled in the stampede; the malls and stores are zoos, and I can still remember that time as a kid when I actually did faint at a Boxing Day sale it was so hot and stuffy and crowded and I vowed I would never be stupid enough to do that ever again and I never did. The second-oldest also had her 27th birthday the other day and I just can’t believe that the 2 oldest kids will be 30 soon; God, that just makes me feel so old!

My family hates it as well that I often will withdraw by myself and into myself and go off into my own little world on my own away from everyone and everything but it’s nothing personal; it’s just an Asperger’s thing, and I like being off on my own and having private alone time where I can just remove myself from the world and get lost in my own thoughts and fantasies,and I saw this old photo of Patti as a teen as well and no offence, but she looked like such a bitch back then, like one of those mean bitchy popular girls, like the kind that would have bullied me, and it’s not very likely that I would have been her friend back then, she probably wouldn’t have given me the time of day and I in all likelihood would have avoided her and her crowd.

Do I Matter?

Screen Shot 11-20-17 at 06.41 PM 001 When I told my mother that I’m tired of her and my hubby always siding together against me and ganging up on me and that I never get any support and I have no say, authority, or control in my own life or family,and that my opinions, thoughts, needs, and feelings don’t matter and that I’m always vetoed, over-ruled, undermined and ignored she sneered,  and I’m tired of you always complaining about it! so I said to her Then stop doing it! If you didn’t do it then I’d have nothing to complain about! and then she snickers, Things can’t always go your way! and told me if I didn’t like it then I can move out, and I told her, But things never go my way and I feel so trapped and helpless in my own life, like I’m a hostage, and I would move out if I could but I don’t have any $$$$ or anywhere to go!

So that got me thinking, Do I matter? I know to God I do,and I know that my dog loves me, but other than that, no; I don’t. I just realized that there’s not one single human being that cares whether or not I live or die. I don’t matter to anyone. No one loves me or cares about me. No one worries about me or thinks about me. No one misses me. No one desires me. No one fantasizes about me. No one dreams about me. No one is happy to see me. No one needs me or wants me. No one includes me. No one smiles when they think about me. No one is concerned when I’m sick.

I wish that someone’s heart would flutter when they look into my eyes. I wish when someone thinks of me or hears my name they smile and think that’s my friend. I wish someone saw a hippo or a sunflower or heard Reggae and thought of me. I wish someone worried when I’m sick. I wish someone misses me when I go away. I wish someone was happy to see me when I come home. I wish I meant something to someone.I wish someone would celebrate my birthday. I wish I was worth hand-made items.I wish I was attractive to someone.  I wish I was in someone’s mind and heart. I wish someone cared about me. I wish someone enjoyed my twisted sense of humour. I wish someone enjoyed my company. I wish someone could see past my looks, my disabilities, my limitations, my failures,etc. and just see me. I wish someone loved me. I wish I mattered.

The Fight.

Screen Shot 11-15-17 at 06.20 PM There was a big fight at our house yesterday. My mother had accused the 23 YR old and his GF of not washing their dishes during the night and leaving them in the sink and told them it’s time they moved out and found a place on their own and he said it’s the 16 YR old’s job to wash them as doing dishes is her chore that she gets paid allowance to do but my mother and hubby  said she doesn’t do them all night and if they’re up all night and use dishes then they have to wash their own. The 16 YR old said she saw his GF washing her dishes, and she was hurt to be falsely accused and I can understand that; I’m always being wrongly accused and blamed and faulted for everything all the time and I hate it and I’m sick of it. She got really upset and then my mother just blows it off( like she always does when she’s mean and hurts people, deflecting the blame away from herself) If she gets this upset just being told to do dishes I’d hate to think how upset she’d be if I actually said something mean and I told her maybe she’s sensitive( like I am; I’ve been criticized, put down, bullied, and picked on so much in my life now any criticism, even the smallest thing, shatters me) and she still felt hurt by it, no one likes to be wrongly accused of something they didn’t do, and she(my mother) should stop being so mean to people. As for the dishes, all I know is when I wake up in the mornings is that I can never find utensils or cups for breakfast but I have no idea who‘s leaving the dirty dishes out all night and not washing them.

The 23 YR old also told my mother that she made his GF feel unwelcome and that it made her really upset and that’s just so sad and it made me feel badly even though I had nothing to do with it, and I know how it feels though; I’m always made to feel unwelcome and like I don’t belong in this family, like an outsider, an unwelcome houseguest, a burden, like I don’t fit in or belong, like I’m not welcomed, so I know how she feels,and my mother does have a habit of being nasty and mean and saying hurtful things and making people feel like shit even though she always denies it and never owns it, accepts blame or takes responsibility and always says it’s someone else’s fault, never hers,and when I added, You always make me feel unwelcome,too! she snorted, But you’re still here! (yeah, only because I have no $$$$ and nowhere else to go!) and she told the 23 YR old to tell his GF that she didn’t mean to get her upset( yet only after everyone said how mean it was) and I told her, You’re the one that made her upset; it’s up to you to apologize to her yourself!  She really is a piece of work and she just doesn’t get it.

Later on I was also trying to put my food in the microwave and she just literally swoops in, right in front of me,butting-in, and takes it to heat up her stuff , stealing it right out from under me, and then when I got mad she snickered, You can wait! and then says I’m  mean to her when I called her out on it! She always acts like she’s the “victim” even though she starts it but never accepts she’s the problem and to blame.

Also, the 23 YR old asked me why I was listening to a Skillrex and Damian Marley song as he alluded to that Skillrex isn’t a very nice person but I have no idea whether he’s a nice person or he’s not; I just like the song, and in parting I will leave you with this:

There’s a lid for every pot, even the cracked ones.