The Laneway.

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This is a laneway next to the hospital parking lot and everytime I see it, it reminds me of my childhood growing up in Toronto because there are alot of laneways and alleyways in Toronto.  They are common things in big cities and I remember them well. I remember playing in them when I was a kid, I remember never going there at night or in the dark, because bad things come out at night, like the gangs, the pimps, the hookers, the drug dealers, etc. but during the day time laneways are places of great fun and adventure for a kid. You can ride your bike or skateboard down them, it’s a great place to play Hide And Seek, to run around, to play Tag, even badminton, although it always keeps getting interrupted every time a car could come thru.Sometimes you could even find some interesting things there as well…. Every time I see a laneway now it takes me back to my childhood and brings back so many happy memories. It reminds me of my happy childhood in the city and I miss it so much. I miss those days. I miss my childhood. I miss being happy. I miss the city. I miss living in the city. I miss the action , noise,and bustle of the city. I miss the diversity. I miss the culture.I miss the shopping. I miss laneways.

As well,the 22 YR old got his purple belt in jiu-jitsu, which he says is pretty close to a black belt in karate by the time it takes to earn it, so it’s like an eqivalent, and now he’s qualified to open up his own dojo. He’s been doing it for years, and now just brown and black belts left to go which will still take a few more years, and I thought I heard the 18 YR yesterday too but figured I was probably just hallucinating as I’d had weed….but it turned out it really was her; she’d come for a quick visit, and she’s home from camp for good on Friday, and she said alot of her friends think my hubby’s in the Mafia too having a large family and supporting them on one salary. Now that’s a hilarious thought….him in the Mafia? I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard. He’s such a weenie!

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 06.32 PM I also saw this picture the other day in an article about Down Syndrome and this girl looks exactly like Arabella, the girl I see in my dreams!! It just blew me away and I still wonder who she is and why she often shows up in my dreams, a future grandchild, perhaps, or perhaps one of my own 6 babies that I miscarried? I got the impression it was a very close relationship, like she was my daughter or something, or if not, at least a relative of some kind….. My mother said as well that No one gets married anymore but that’s not true, and, in fact, several of the oldest two kids’ former teen friends and friends from university are married now, and some even have kids, and even one of the 21 YR old’s former childhood friends got married last year,too, so I’m just not seeing it. My theory is this: the way I see it is if people are just living together and not getting married then they don’t want to commit and they’re not sure and this way they always have a “back-up” plan, an escape, in case someone “better”  comes along they have a way out, but if you love someone then you’d have no doubt and wouldn’t hesitate to get married. When you really love someone you just know, and what I want for my kids in life is to find love and happiness and to never settle or sell themselves short.

Buddy hadn’t been eating his food for awhile either and “told” me that he was tired of it so I tried a new kind…..and he gobbled it right up, so I was right, so now I just switched him over to the new brand, and it costs more but if it makes him happy it’s worth it, plus if he wasn’t eating the other one and it was just getting thrown out it’s a waste of $$$$ and he’s not getting anything to eat,either. The second-oldest is also in Mexico, I think visiting a friend who lives there and who just recently got married there, and my hubby apparantly didn’t have time to pick up my pills at the pharmacy ( and he has to do it because he’s the one with the insurance coverage from his employer and has to show the card) even though I’m running low and am almost out…..but he still did have the time to pick up the 18 YR old from camp for a visit and to take the 10 YR old to his activity…..just doesn’t have the time and can’t be bothered if it’s just something for me. I’m the lowest on the totem pole.

Long-Lasting Effects.

Rastaman Today I said something-or-other (I don’t even know what it was) that my hubby and the 16 YR old deemed to be stupid and they shook their heads in dismay at my stupidity(like they always do) and jeered about me, referring to my medical marijuana, It must be the long-lasting effects, insinuating that the cannabis I take for my migraines is  causing brain damage and making me even dumber, and like my hubby snarked before to me,  I can’t afford to lose any more brain cells, and they’re always putting me down like this and insulting my intelligence ( or lack of),but it did give me the idea for today’s blog post(so I guess they are good for something) and got me thinking, not that the marijuana has long-term lasting effects, but rather that they do, with their bullying, and demeaning, cruel mistreatment and ridiculing me.

Screen Shot 08-07-17 at 06.24 PM The way they treat me has long-lasting effects.Bullying always does.

Every time they say how stupid I am.

Every time they tell me how worthless  I am.

Every time they say that no one loves me.

Every time they call me names and then say I can’t take a joke, and don’t have a sense of humour.

Every time they make fun of my for my disibilities and limitations.

Every time they insult me, my looks, my weight,

bully me,

put me down,

demean, devalue, dismiss, berate, exclude,

and mock me

it leaves long-lasting effects.

When will they see the damage they cause and take responsibility for their part in it?

They hate me for what I am and for what I’ve become, due to how they treat me.

they should have known it leaves long-lasting effects.

The marijuana wears off but the scars of bullying leave long-lasting effects.

The Dancing Hippo.

Screen Shot 08-02-17 at 09.37 AM How adorably cute  is this? It’s a dancing hippo! My mother got it for me at one of those Dollar Stores and it’s solar powered, meaning when you place it in the sun the sun activates it and the head and body start to swing back and forth, making it look like it’s dancing. It’s just the cutest thing! I could just watch it for HRS! I was in her room looking for something and I just happened to spot it on her table and asked her about it and she forgot it was even there so what we think probably happened was that she got it months ago for me for my stocking for Christmas and it likely fell out of the bag or something  and never got put in the stocking, but I still ended up getting it afterall…..just 8 months later, although I’d actually get more use out of it now that’s hot and sunny, unlike in the winter where I’m indoors all the time and we hardly ever have any sun! I posted this photo on my hippo lovers Facebook group as well and everyone loved it,and some people said they have it as well, others asked where to find it, and someone even said they have one but didn’t know what it was , what it did, or how it worked.

As well, the 14 YR old now dyed her hair a brilliant, bright fire-engine red, and this time it finally turned out and it looks really good( I really like it) and it’s really shiny,too, and someone left the garbage out in the middle of the kitchen floor and it had meat in it, so naturally Buddy, being a dog and having little self control, got into it, and then my mother got mad at him for being a dog, and the 22 YR old got a bike a friend gave him as well and I said now he has to get a helmet before he can ride it and my hubby scoffed he doesn’t need one because he’s over 18, and the law is only mandatory for helmets for people under 18,but I think everyone riding a bike should wear a helmet for safety; I still don’t want him possibly cracking his skull open regardless how old he is, and it’s not worth risking in an accident because he doesn’t want to spend 30$ or so on a helmet! You’re never too “old” to be safe and careful.

My hubby’s also notorious for not being able to take eyedrops and it takes several people to hold him down and pry his eyelids open for drops and when I just tilted my head back, opened my eyes and put my own drops in and said to him, See! This is how you do eyedrops! he snarked, Yeah, we all know you know how to take drugs!  and when he asked my mother what delivery I was waiting for she curtly replied, Cannabis…..what else? They’re always making snide remarks like this referring to my medical marijuana I take for my migraines that I have a legal medical prescription for, as just another thing to use against me to criticize me, to make me look “bad”, to use against me, to use to berate me and put me down,and if it wasn’t this then they’d find something else to “twist” around and use to degrade me. This is the kind of shit that I mean, that they do to me all the time, always getting in subtle little “digs” at me, wearing me down, bit by bit, every chance they can, slowly breaking down my defences, until I’m completely torn down and have nothing left anymore, and I passed that stage a long time ago. So now I just do whatever the hell I want because no matter what they’re still going to hassle me anyway, so I just do what’s best for me.

As well, I got heatstroke again yesterday, even when I was sitting in the shade; it was just too hot, with the humidex 36 C again, and we’ve been having thunderstorms pretty much every day for the past few days as well due to the humidity, and  I was excessivly sweaty, just pouring off me, even after I went in, and a headache, and I had to come inside with the A/C but all day I still continued to feel all sweaty and my skin was “sticky” and I felt over-heated, so I don’t know if maybe the A/C’s not working, or it’s just more of my hot-flashes again, or what, but I just feel so sweaty, restless, and awful for the past few days and even medication still didn’t get rid of the headache,either. I’m a hot mess, ha,ha.

The Nice Thing.

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You’re not going to believe this (because I still don’t!) my mother was nice to me! She even did something nice for me! She brought me this bouquet of sunflowers she knows are my faves. she was out and bought them at the grocery store. I LOVE them, and I’m just speechless too because it’s so unlike her! I put them in a vase in the livingroom, where I often am, so I can see them, but also where others are so they can enjoy them,too. It made me happy getting these, seeing them, and every time I look at them, and they’re such joyful, cheery flowers, sort of how like my spirit was, before it broke, before the light went out. I hope to have them at my funeral,too.They can symbolize how I’ll blossom in Heaven, as well! Tall, confident, blooming, beautiful, cheerful, happy, radiant, bright…

The 10 YR old also walked in and seeing Buddy and I he huffed, Ugh! Ugly mother and her stupid dog! and walked out, and another time I invited him to come swim with me and he spat,You’re  stupid ! Shut-up! when a simple No, or even nicer, No, thank you would do, and my hubby hear everything yet he said nothing ( a better man would have scolded the child, Don’t you talk to your mother like that!) and when I told him, See? This is what I mean and what I get all the time! all he said was It’s over!… except it’s not over; I have to put up with this shit every single day.

As for 3 of the kids proudly celebrating that they “broke” me, friends I’d told about it responded by saying:

  • The kids must have learned that crap from my hubby (RIGHT< THERE!)
  • They would beat their ass and smart mouth
  • I should emancipate them
  • I should take them to court for abuse
  • Abuse is illegal( both physical and emotional)
  • I should get them out of my life
  • That I deserve better
  • That they need to be punished
  • I should have a restraining order in place
  • If the kids disrespect me then I should show their belongings the same respect that they show me
  • That the kids’ future relationships and marriages won’t last as if they don’t respect their mother they won’t respect anyone else

I think it’s unanimous…..we can all agree on:

my kids are assholes!

assholes!

assholes!

Shit-Storm.

Screen Shot 07-10-17 at 02.18 PM The 14 YR old went to her eating disorders clinic app’t yesterday and we had the second-oldest come with us as well, as requested by the therapist, who wanted her input. I expected a shit-storm as I was prepared for battle as the mama bear in me was all ready to give it my all and go full force on them to finally put her on an anti-depressant for her obvious worsening depression…..and thank God, they finally did! She got a prescription for Prozac, the same thing I’m on, and that did wonders for me and literally saved my life. They said it’ll take 2 weeks or so to start working, although with me I started to notice the effects in a matter of days; I could literally feel something “shifting” and it felt like this black cloud was just …….dissipating. Then they went into their usual spiel how they don’t like to medicate kids and they don’t want her on medication long-term and that the behaviour therapy is the best treatment for depression,(and how it’s not working as she “doesn’t put enough “effort” into it) etc.. but I’m just glad they finally got her on something, and it’s a SSRI as well, so if she does have a chemical imbalance like I do (which is likely given it’s likely genetic and inherited) this should do the trick as it replaces low seratonin levels….

Thank God. Finally.

The second-oldest also offered when it was discussed that the 14 YR old and I have “relationship problems” ( although what mothers and teenage girls don’t?) that I have relationship problems with all my kids,and then the blame-game began, where I felt ganged-up on and attacked and I was accused of not being able to form attachments which affect my relationships due to my Asperger’s and bipolar, and due to my social phobia and depression I don’t participate in family activities or go anywhere or do anything socially because being with people (esp in crowds or strangers) gives me panic attacks and makes me nervous, uneasy, anxious, self-conscious, and uncomfortable, and they said I isolate myself for having different interests than they do( such as they like anime, sci-fi, and board games and I don’t; I have nothing against it, it’s just not my thing) so I don’t participate, when in actual fact they blame and hate me and exclude me and push me away because of my limitations , disabilities,and differences, and the more they push me out and exclude me, the more isolated I become and the more I withdraw back into myself and withdraw into my own world, and also to try to stay away from them to avoid conflict and simply because I can’t take their abuse anymore. I’m in the wrong family. I simply don’t fit.

The social worker also said she recommends that I go to group therapy counselling to help me with attachment , emotions,and relationships due to my mental health issues, but I’m not so sure about that as with my social phobia the idea of being there with a roomful of strangers is very unnerving, not to mention opening up and expressing my innermost feelings and issues to a group of strangers, I’d just embarrass myself and feel really vulnerable, and besides, I’d need a referral from my family doctor first and my hubby’s always complaining whenever he has to drive me anywhere and the therapy is in another town and he already complains about all my app’t’s as it is, plus she also said that it’s something the entire family would have to take part in and they’re not going to bother, esp. not just for me,and it’s something else they’ll have to use against me to blame me for, and what good would talking about it do,anyway? It’s not going to cure it or change anything.I need to get out of this toxic family.

As for not going to family activities, my hubby used Wonderland as an example, but it’s mostly all rides there and I don’t go on the rides because I can’t stand in those long line-ups or else I faint, so what am I supposed to do there the entire time? Just walk around and be bored…..and endure the long 2 HR drive there….and 2 HR drive back….for something I don’t do? He also mentioned the kids’ Cadets but I don’t agree with the military and I’m not going to something I don’t support or believe in as that would be hypocritical, and I have gone to some of the kids’ events, esp. before, when they were younger, before the worst of the traumas broke me hard and I was able to function better and do more, and before they got older and imitated my mother and hubby in bullying me and reduced me to this; when they were younger they weren’t like that; they’d even say to me, Why does Papa make you cry?” but now they’re older they copy seeing how they treat me and now I’m just so beaten down and have just given up. They’ve pushed me out of this family and made me feel unwanted and unwelcome…..so then why so upset when they feel I don’t take part anymore? Isn’t that what they want? They’ve succeeded in driving me out.

I don’t think I necessarily have trouble forming attachments though as I did the Attachment Parenting thing when the kids were babies, incl. breastfeeding on demand and carrying them around strapped to my chest in a baby “sling”, and I was the one who was the most involved and engaged with them then, plus I do have a strong bond with my dog as well, and my BFF and I have been friends ever since we were 12, and I’m still in contact with other friends I went to school with as well, so I do have bonds and friendships that have endured and am able to form attachments…..just not with my toxic family because of how they treat me! It’s kind of difficult to form close attachments with people that are constantly putting you down, making you feel like a burden, blaming and hating you for your disabilities, bullying you, always criticizing and belittling you, and making you feel like an outsider in you own home. How can I be expected to grow flowers in the desert?

F*ck.

Sunflowers.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.39 PM 001 Walking to church on Sundays I always walk by these sunflowers in a garden so this time I decided to take photos of them. I love sunflowers so much. They’re just so cheerful, so happy, so sunny!   I’ve even had dreams I’m in Heaven running thru a wide open field of sunflowers.If you look closely you can even see a bee inside it, too! I wanted to plant sunflowers in my garden this YR too but I could never find any at any of the places that sold seedlings and young plants so I’m wondering if maybe the people here just grew their own, like planting a sunflower seed themselves right in the soil and going from there?  Maybe I’ll have to try that next YR, only start early planting the seed indoors in the beginning and then transplanting into the soil outdoors in late May…Some asshole stole one of our flowers from our garden at the front,too, they scooped it clean out in a clean, perfect scoop and took it right out of the garden. If it was an animal digging it up it wouldn’t have been so clean, so smooth,and so precise, and with no evidence of the flower left behind. I’m nicer; I didn’t steal the sunflowers I admire, I just took photos of them.

Screen Shot 07-23-17 at 06.38 PM 001 As well, the 16 YR old’s hamster died! She only had it for a month, but a couple of days ago the 10 YR old barged into her room yelling and really scared it, so much it kept squealing forever and hasn’t been the same since….and now it died. I think it must have had a heart-attack and he literally scared it to death. Small rodents like that are very skittish and high-strung and get scared and anxious very easily and don’t handle stress, loud noises and fright well. The 14 YR old was the first one to notice as when she went in to see it, it wasn’t moving so she suspected it but they’re scared to touch dead things so they had me come up to confirm it….so I picked it up and the poor little thing was curled up in the corner of the cage, eyes half-open, cold, stiff,and hard…..most definitely dead and it had been for some time, my guess is it died sometime during the night. It was just so sad. So they buried it in the backyard in a Girl Guides cookie box ( I had to put it in there along with bedding and toys, as no one else wanted to touch the dead thing) and gave it a nice little hamster funeral incl. a stone on top of the grave so the raccoons don’t dig it up and eat it, a grave marker with a name, an artificial flower, and a cross made out of popsicle sticks. I just hope it didn’t have some kind of animal disease or something that dogs can catch and that Buddy will get it and die now,too….

We also have drug dealers  as neighbours at the house at the corner: in a span of 30 minutes at least 8-10 cars would pull up to their house and they’d go inside for less than 5 minutes each and then leave…..so what would you think? What’s ironic is that the house next door to them used to be drug dealers too until the people moved out, and they even used to leave their Christmas lights on all YR and turn them on as a sign to their customers that they were home and open for business!

The 14 YR old likes to make fun of a TV show I watch as well, Born This Way, a docu-series about adults with Down Syndrome but I just consider where it comes from, a person that watches that stupid America’s Got Talent, a lame-o talent show, and they’re always putting down and insulting my TV shows and all interests and things I like, and I realize that you can’t make someone like you or treat you right, all you can do is try and make an effort and do your best but then know when it’s time to walk away. No one deserves to be abused. I know the way they constantly degrade, belittle, ridicule, criticize, blame, bully, insult, and berate me is emotional abuse, and it feels just like it did with the bullies in school that tormented me and made my life hell….only now it’s my own family doing it which is even worse.

I get the impression that God, for some reason, wants me to hold on, to stay alive, to keep fighting the fight,not to kill myself, as hard as it is to keep holding on sometimes, I can only take so much and it’s so tempting to just let go…. and that in time, a twist of fate will occur where I eventually will get a fresh start, start over, and find happiness and love at last, and when I prayed for a sign what He wants me to do, the Howard Jones song, Things Can Only Get Better randomly came on my iPod! How freaky is that? If He wants me to hold on He’s going to have to give me the strength I need though, and hope as well, so I know it will eventually end and I will find a way out of this toxic environment , and live a life worth living where I’m not always so wound-up with anxiety, nerves, stress, brokenness, dread, worry, misery, hurt, heartbreak,and weariness that I’m always trembling and shaking and a bundle of nerves, constantly on edge.

Emergency Session.

Screen Shot 07-21-17 at 01.03 PM The good thing is that Patti (who moved away last YR) was in town for a doctor’s app’t so she came by for a visit, which was nice! It was really nice to see her again. The bad is that the 14 YR old didn’t have her emergency session at the eating disorders clinic yesterday afterall; we were about 30 minutes into the drive on the way there when they called and cancelled as one of the team was really sick and had to go to the hospital, so the next app’t isn’t until the regular one next week. Just our luck. It figures.  My mother says If it weren’t for bad luck, we wouldn’t have any luck at all! She really needed that extra app’t though and she refused to eat her breakfast as well and balking at other meals,too, and my hubby got really mad and really went off on her and ripped into her yelling he knows she doesn’t want to live here,and she doesn’t behave for us, and doesn’t do what she’s told, won’t eat, and he  doesn’t want her to live here,and she was sitting there crying….. the poor kid…..it’s not right that he gets mad at her and blames her for being sick, and I went over to rub her back to try and comfort her as I felt so badly for her…..and my hubby yelled at me I always make everything worse and ordered me to get out of the room! What she needs is medication and support, and I’m sick of his bullying! He’s such an asshole and when I told him so he said that I’m annoying! Even if she does want to live somewhere else telling her that he doesn’t want her here is NOT helpful and is part of the problem. (I just want what’s best for her, whatever will make her happy and get well)

It’s also really hard for me to keep watching the 14 YR old spiraling down deeper into depression and despair and not being able to do anything to help her, feeling so helpless, and no one does anything to help; she needs medication, desperately, and not only are they not giving her any anti-depressants, now they also took her off the medication that she did have, that was keeping her eating disorder at bay, and has now been unleashed since stopping the medication and has taken hold of her again.

It’s killing me watching her crashing so hard, so I did what I could: instead of weaning her completely off the medication I started giving it back to her again…..or at least I tried, I tried giving her a pill again to get her re-started, hoping it’ll make her eat again, she never should have stopped taking them. They were helping her, so I just merely continued, only she got suspicious seeing the whole  pill again and thought I was trying to kill  her or slip her a Xanax or something, and then her, my hubby,and the 16 YR old all really tore into me , accusing me of trying to give her my pills (which I didn’t; it was her own prescription), that I think I’m a doctortrying to kill her, etc.. when I’m just desperate for her to eat again and to feel better.know those pills were helping her,and I know how hard she crashed when they were cut in half and stopped. She needs them to control the eating disorder, and they need to put her on anti-depressants, too. Why am I the only one that seems to see that? I’ll do anything to help her. She needs to get back on those pills! I can’t just sit here and watch as she falls further and further down and do nothing, esp. when I know medication will help her yet no one else seems to see that or do anything, , and she still has enough left over, so why not? It’s her own prescription! Yet just another “reason” to berate me.

This is killing me. I can’t keep doing this. If my hubby’s right though and I do always make everything worse then does that mean if I was gone that everything would be better? If I’m the common factor and you remove me from the equation then the problem’s solved…..