I feel like I’m being erased; that my family is trying to erase me. I have no say, authority, dominance, power, control, decision-making, or control in my own family, over my own kids, or in my own life. My thoughts, opinions, concerns, needs, suggestions, preferences, requests, and voice don’t matter. I am always vetoed, over-ruled and undermined. My voice,opinion, contribution, and say is always silenced and now it seems like they’re trying to erase me as well as I realized that there are no photos of me at all displayed in the house; it’s almost as if they want to erase any trace of me, any reminder, any visual indication of my existance or that I live here and am part of this family. We used to have a couple of those old professional studio family photos of myself, my hubby,and the oldest as a baby on the wall in the hallway but they took them down to paint and now are refusing to put them back up even though the other portraits of the kids are still up on the walls, it’s like they just don’t want the ones that include me up there. Other than my own bedroom, the only other traces that I live in this house would be the Bob Marley calendar that hangs at my computer desk. I almost feel like a phantom of some sort; I live in the shadows.
As well, when my hubby un-mutes the redneck sports I have muted on the news because it irks me I used to leave the room because I refuse to stay and subject myself to have to listen to that crap and he can’t force me to listen to it, to look at it, or to like it, and I won’t be controlled, oppressed, suppressed, or dominated like that, but now I decided why should I have to leave? I’m the one sitting there peacefully watching the news and he comes in and just takes over and stirs up drama; so from now on in protest I decided I’ll stay but just put on my iPod and listen to my music(so I don’t have to listen to it and can listen to something that I like) while he has that shit on…..only without my headphones like I normally have when someone’s watching TV, as I figure he doesn’t respect me so why should I turn my music off for him and certainly not for that crap, esp. when he’s just doing it to get me mad! He can suck it!!
I also realized that the 4 people who I either loved the most, trusted the most, or were the closest to in my life, both family and friends, were also the ones who eventually stopped caring about me, betrayed me,and turned on me,as my Asperger’s and bipolar turns everyone off, so that basically everyone I ever loved, trusted, was close to, or depended on got tired of me and threw me away,and the other day I got new revelations as well and one of them was I have someone waiting for me that misses me, waiting for me to return, that loves me, on the other side, and I got the distinct impression that it was my eternal companion, so maybe there really is someone out there for me,afterall, someone other than my dog that does love me, and enough to wait for me to complete my Earthly journey and still be there waiting for me and eagerly waiting for me to come back.
I had a bunch of really awful, scary, horrible revelations as well and they were so awful, so unthinkable that I can’t even think about it or even mention it, and receiving it shook me to the core and I felt like I was going to implode; it was like a overload to my system and something I didn’t want to see or know(and can’t and don’t want to believe) and I hope and pray I don’t have to have to face and hope I die before it comes. It was also a glorious balmy 14 C yesterday and Buddy and I were outside and had extra long walks and the girls went for a walk into town,too,and it just felt so nice to feel the sun on my face again.