Occult Symbols.

Screen Shot 10-15-17 at 07.22 PM The 16 YR old baked cookies with an occult symbol on them( seen here) even though she knows nothing occult is allowed in the house out of respect for God as this is a Christian home and the Bible says you have to choose to follow God or Satan; you can’t follow both, and we are also told to avoid everything to do with the occult, incl. Hallowe’en (Satan’s Day) and any occult symbols such as the Jack ‘O Lantern yet she continues to defy me and she also had this glittery Jack ‘O Lantern occult decoration in her room as well and she said was for a friend, for her birthday( yeah, like I haven’t heard that one before, as in, My friend needs advice,  or I’m just holding them  for a friend… yeah…..right…) so I told her in that case then to just put it in a bag and hide it away somewhere until her birthday and then give it to her but we are not to display any thing occult or have any occult symbols in this house, and if they do then I will get rid of them,and she was really mouthy, snotty, and talking back, being really defiant and disrespectful, and saying she’ll “throw out Jesus” then, etc. and snarking that it’s just my rule, no one else cares….what, so if it’s just me then it’s just to be ignored, defied,disobeyed, dismissed, who cares? I don’t think so, you little brat, and I told her if she brings in any more occult things I’m taking her phone away. I’m really tired of her and her attitude and one thing I will not tolerate is blasphemy.

I don’t think they realize(or care) how symbols have great significance and meaning, how powerful they are, what they represent, and why it’s so important to keep our home free from any occult influences. Think about the Swastika, for example, or the Confederate or the ISIS flags; what comes to mind when you see them? They symbolize something; something bad, not something you’d be proud to be associated with or would want to proudly display in your home. It’s the same way with the occult. It’s like inviting demons into your home! We don’t have many rules and this isn’t asking too much and as long as they live here, they obey the rules. The kids have broken me and beaten me down now to the point where I’ve all but given up and I have no authority, say,respect, and they just laugh in my face and ignore me and just do whatever they want while mocking me, but this is something that I will never back down on; when it comes to spiritual matters; I will not allow them to disrespect God or to bring the occult into our home.They will never take my faith from me.

The 22 YR old also kept coming into my room during the night trying to kidnap Buddy and I kept waking up so I didn’t sleep well (he’s just sooooo annoying) and my mother announced we will be moving next summer and she wants to get a bungalow as she can’t go up and down the stairs,and I have a hard time,too, but I hate bungalows, but hopefully I’ll be dead by then anyway and I won’t have to worry about it, and I should get my biopsy results this week,too, and she said they only call if something shows up so no news is good news and if they call then you know they found something. The main reason my mother and hubby said they want to move(as well as downsizing now we have less kids at home) is also to force the 22 YR old out to get his own place as he’s still living here at home and refuses to leave but when we move he has to move out, which I think is a mean tactic, but that’s what Patti also did to get her son to move out,too; she  just moved.

The leaking roof is even worse now as well and now I can see it leaking in 3 spots and we had alot of rain and now it’s soaked the towels we put on the floor to absorb the water, and the heavy rain and 100 km winds were really bad but luckily it was while I was at church and in-between when I had to walk there and back so it wasn’t raining while I was walking, and I know that was God looking out for me. Others would deny it and say it was just coincidence or just luck but I know better. I have faith and I know He answers prayer and cares about His faithful people. I know He cares about me and takes care of me and watches over me and that He loves me even when no one else does and that He must see something in me no one else does because even though my family makes me feel unlovable I still matter to God. I also have this suspicious feeling that the kids don’t really go to church Sunday mornings either but probably just walk over to Tim Horton’s or something and hang out there instead and just say they went to church. Someday I should go over there and spy on them just to have the satisfaction of catching them in the act…. I’d just love to see the look on their faces…..



The Coat.

Screen Shot 10-13-17 at 04.33 PM Check this out! The 16 YR old  designed the pattern , the style, created, sewed, and made this coat entirely on her own! It took her 2 days. Isn’t it just amazing? It looks so nice and snug and warm,too! The 14 YR old(who also sews and has been sewing for years, even before the 16 YR old started) likes it so much that she’s also going to “twerk” it a bit and redesign it a bit and make a similar one for herself in another colour. I’d heard it was going to be red but then it would look like Santa Claus’ outfit so perhaps another colour might be a better choice… and yes, she plans on studying fashion design when she graduates highschool,and she’s currently in grade 11. She has designed and created several clothing items and fashion and also has a blog on beauty and fashion, and who knows, maybe one day in the future she’ll have her own little boutique downtown in a city somewhere with her own creations?

I also had this weird headache that felt like a sharp stabbing pain in the back of my head on the left side, much like the one I had behind my right eye awhile ago I’m sure must have something to do with when I fainted and fell and hit my head hard on the floor 2 weeks ago and haven’t been “right” since ( not that I was before, only now I notice even more so) and my forgetfulness and memory is much worse now as well and all I want to do is sleep. So I took weed to get rid of the headache( which works when nothing else does) which it did but then half of my mind floated away with it,too, but at least I didn’t have the headache anymore! 🙂

I was watching the nightly news as well and had the sports muted like I always do because it’s redneck and I hate it and it annoys me and my hubby knows this so he turns it back on just to annoy me so I muted it again and we kept going back and forth in a remote control war of muting and un-muting, back and forth,and  I told him he can listen to it all he wants on his radio or news, I don’t care, when I’m not there, but not on mine; don’t want to hear it and this is my turn and to stop ruining my show for me,and then he groused in an attempt to threaten me, I’m not doing anything for you! which made me laugh actually because he hardly does anything for me now anyway other than drive me to church which he rarely even does anymore now anyway,and it’s been weeks too since I’d asked him to pick me up coconut oil the next time he was in the area(which he has been, a few times) but he could never be bothered because it’s just something for me, not a priority, not important, and doesn’t matter, and I think as well he’s probably waiting to hear back about my biopsy hoping I do have cancer afterall and not too long to live and then he won’t have to buy it at all….

F*ck him.

My hubby also programmed his Google something-or-other ( I forget what’s what it’s called; it’s this little inter-active electronic Smart device that works with your TV, phone, voice command, etc, and plays music, the radio, gives you info, writes you a list, etc..) so that it won’t turn off on my command, if it hears my voice; normally you say, Ok, Google, stop and it stops, only it doesn’t for me, no matter how many times I say it or how loud I say it. Once I yelled in exasperation, SHUT THE F*CK UP!!  and it did but only for awhile and then came back on,(it’s just like the kids; they don’t shut up when you tell them to,either!!)and then he uses it to torture me too by having it play redneck country music (that he knows I hate!!) when I’m in the room just to piss me off and then I can’t even turn it off so I just either end up unplugging it or turning off the power bar to get it to stop. See the kind of thing I always have to put up with from him? He’s what my mother refers to as a shit-disturber(and unfortunately the boys are all like that,too, learning from his bad example), always purposely doing or saying things that he knows will provoke, goad, annoy, bug, upset, or trigger me; he’s just an asshole and he’s always doing things like this just to piss me off, and then he wonders why I hate him and just try to avoid him?

F*ck him.


Screen Shot 10-06-17 at 09.57 AM Today’s our Thanksgiving. The second-oldest came for a visit for a couple of days and my father-in-law also came for dinner and the 22 YR old’s GF. This was the first year the 18 YR old wasn’t home( she’s away at school and it’s too far and too expensive to come back just for a couple of days) but she spent the holiday and had dinner at her BF’s house with him and his family. We had 5 turkeys, ham, 4 pumpkin pies, peas, corn, 3 kinds of potatoes, fries, dozens of buns,etc. and had a big dinner in the diningroom. We also go around and say what we’re thankful for and the 22 YR old said his GF which was sweet and also shows he’s maturing too as he usually says something stupid, offensive, and inappropriate, like ISIS, or human trafficking or something. My mother said that we’re all still alive this Thanksgiving and I said I bet I won’t be next Thanksgiving; I doubt I’ll even be here for Christmas….

Screen Shot 10-08-17 at 05.34 PM 001 Here is our table, all set up, and I don’t know if you can see it, but we also have decorative leaves scattered on the table top. The second-oldest was mean and insulted Buddy as well saying he’s NOT the cutest-looking dog ( but he really is) and he was even extra close to me and whiny today, I think he could sense my bad headache(and also I felt sweaty and faint and not well all day) that I still have, for almost 2 weeks now ever since I fainted and fell and hit my head, and for the past few days also feel pressure and a stabbing pain behind my eye and so bad nothing works to relieve it and I tried everything; I thought it must be a sinus headache so I took the sinus pills but that never worked so I took Tylenol, even migraine pills, even morphine I had left over from surgery…nothing got rid of it, and the 22 YR old seemed concerned and he said it might be a slow brain bleed from my head injury and it could be dangerous and I should go to the hospital and get it checked.( if I have vomiting, blurred or double vision or uneven or dilated pupils then I will) I appreciate his concern esp.  as in my family no one usually even cares. I bet even when I die they won’t regret how they’ve mistreated me, or not even regret they never gave me a party for my 50th birthday either, they’ll probably just be glad I’m gone and not have to listen to my music anymore, or put up with my weed or my stupidity; they’ll be relieved to be rid of me.

Americans are also mad that Trump is trying to stop gov’t paying for birth control but I actually support him in this: here in Canada we have universal health care yet even here people have to pay for their own birth control, it ‘s not covered by taxpayer money, and what gets me too is how the femi-nazis are always going on and on about how the gov’t has no business with their bodies and how they shouldn’t interfere with their “right” to have abortions( what about the baby’s right to life and to be born?) and then yet also at the same time demand that the gov’t pay for their birth control? You can’t have it both ways! If you want to prevent having kids or to kill your baby if you do become pregnant, then YOU should  be the one who pays for it. It’s that simple.


Back To School!

Screen Shot 09-05-17 at 07.43 AM Yesterday was back to school, except for the 14 YR old who started her first day ( of highschool! She’s in grade 9 now!) today because she had her weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic yesterday. Now we still have 3 kids homeschooling and 2 away at post-secondary, one in her 3rd YR of university, and one starting her first YR. As for the homeschooling, we have one in grade 9, one in grade 11,and one in grade 8. The first day went ok although we weren’t organized or ready; my hubby still hadn’t installed the highschool curriculum(which he ended up doing at the last minute) on the computers ahead of time and we still haven’t been able to find some of the curriculum or an answer book but they did what they could. The 18 YR old’s first day went well too and she even won tickets to her fave. band from some contest. They still have Frosh Week too like they did when I went there only I never participated in any of that as it’s a sort of meet-and-greet get-to-know you social interaction sort of thing and I’m not big on social events or on any of that “school spirit” stuff, which I always thought was dumb; I just go there to learn and then I come right home. I never did any of the after-school activities or joined any of the clubs,either; I couldn’t wait to get out of there every day!

I can still very vividly remember the fear, anxiety, worry,stress, and nervousness on the first day of school every year as well; it was so bad for me that I was actually sick to my stomach and I threw up. It was just brutal, just awful. My anxiety was just thru the roof. I could just feel the collective anxiety and nerves yesterday as well as all the kids headed back and so I said a prayer for them,and I still remember all the worries of a student well: Will I have a lab partner for science? Will I have someone to eat lunch with? Will I find a gym partner? What if I forget my locker combo? Will the bullies and bitches be in any of my classes this year? Will I get any of the mean teachers? Will I get lost or end up late trying to find my classes? Will any of my friends be in any of my classes? What if I don’t know anyone in my class? Luckily for my kids being homeschooled they don’t have any of these fears and they know what to expect every year so it takes alot of the pressure and worry off so they can just concentrate solely on their lessons.

As well, the 14 YR old entered an art contest and she won Second place, and on the way to the clinic I saw a car rolled over in a ditch by the side of the highway and it was upside-down on it’s roof(probably distracted driving like my hubby always does!!!!), and the therapist asked my hubby now that he’s stepped up and told the kids to treat me with more respect and they have which makes me feel better, how does that make him feel and he just shrugged, Indifferent, and they looked like they were taken aback by his cold reply, as it was so glaringly obvious that he doesn’t give a shit about me, and he said(talking about me) that the kids Still avoid me to avoid drama…sort of like how  try to avoid the lot of them to avoid conflict, too, and she said that the kids seeing us always fighting and in conflict is harmful to their development, etc… but in all reality though what family doesn’t argue, fight, have conflict, or discord though? No one is perfect, and everyone is dysfunctional in one way or another,and we all have issues and conflicts,and skeletons in our closet; it’s just human relationships,it’s just life.

The therapist also asked if we’re communicating any better with eachother, but the truth is that we hardly even see eachother, let alone talk to eachother; we just try to stay out of eachother’s way,and we each have our own separate lives and separate interests, and other than regarding the kids, rarely intersect. We’re sort of like room-mates that share living quarters but maintain our own separate spaces and lives and come and go separately and rarely inter-act or cross paths. I also try to use humour and joke around to try and relate to, connect with, and break down barriers with my kids but all they ever do is tell me to shut up, go away, or that I’m not funny,and my hubby rolls his eyes or face-palms in a dismissive way every time I try as well, and I pray that one day…one day….someone will come into my life that likes and appreciates my twisted sense of humour and finds it endearing….because it’s a part of me…..and will find it wildly entertaining, or at least half-way funny and amusing, or in any case at least not always be annoyed and put-off by it and insult it….

My abdomenal pain is also increasingly getting worse: now I’m having it constantly all day and the pain is generalized in the entire abdomenal region below my belly-button but is worse on the right side….I wonder what it is? My guess would be either kidney or liver failure, appendix, or some sort of tumour/ cancer lurking somewhere…..I see the internal medicine specialist this week though so we’ll see what he has to say…. a friend told me not to wait and to go to the ER but I only go if it gets so bad that I can’t stand up; then I know it’s something serious….there has to be something causing it though…..as well as my drastic 50 pound weight loss, persistant cough, extreme fatigue, seizures, fluid retention, etc… it’s a real mystery….

Moving Out.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.54 PM Here is a bunch of the 18 YR old’s stuff she’s taking with her to Ottawa to her dorm/residence. She’s leaving for her campus today and I went to the same school only I didn’t like it there or have a good experience (everyone was so slutty, racist and immoral) so hopefully it’s better now and it’ll be different for her.Like her, I also took a “gap year” off after highschool before resuming my studies but the stress was making me physically sick and my doctor said my symptoms were due to it and once I quit it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off and my ailments went away. My hubby and most of the kids ( just the 22 YR old and 10 YR old still home) have been away for the past few days in Toronto at the “Ex” and Fan Expo,and now in Ottawa, giving me a nice quiet few days of peace, and it’s really nice to not have to always watch the clock and check the time for every 2 HRS for the 14 YR old’s meals and snacks; deciding and planning what to prepare for her, and having to supervise it; I could just do everything leisurely, take as much time as I wanted, without ever worrying about what time it was, and it’s so nice, so it’s like I got a mini vacation and break while they were away,too!

As well, I notice my pee smells like skunk lately so is it my cannabis oil coming thru my digestive tract perhaps, or due to some medical issue, esp. since I have also had bad abdomenal pain now for the past 3 days; it feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach by a horse, like it did with my gallbladder only I know it’s not that as I had it removed 5 years ago, but the pain feels similar. I also keep smelling burnt toast and tar but no one else does, so it’s a real mystery. Buddy’s not feeling well either I think as he’s not eating much, just laying around, and the “sparkle” in his eyes is gone now and now he looks weary and he’s showing his age (11 1/2!) now too; walking slowly and gingerly, and lots of grey around his face and on his paws. Poor old boy. I hope he’s not so sick he’s dying; I will be just gutted if I lose my best friend, and he, unlike the 14 YR old, isn’t going to wake up one day and suddenly decide that he doesn’t love me anymore. He’s the only one that loves me.

Patti was going to come by for a visit as well but her scooter wouldn’t fit on the bus, and my mother was at the store but got me the wrong kind of chips but then refused to go back and exchange it for the right one; she just gave the wrong one to the 10 YR old and I was just out of luck and she told me to get it if I want it even though it was her fault and she was the one that got the wrong thing because she didn’t bother to read the label like always, and when she tripped over the laundry in the kitchen she blamed whoever left it there instead of herself for not looking down….except it turned out it was her that left it there so then she didn’t know who to blame because it’s always someone else’s fault, never hers, and she never takes any responsibility for her actions or rectifies her mistakes and it just drives me nuts, and she wailed on me too for eating the end of the baguette saying other people like it,too! meaning the 10 YR old, the only one she cares about, she’s obsessed with him; he’s like her little pet, and I reminded her, I contribute to paying for the food so I can eat whatever I want! (and I still am part of this family whether she likes it or not and I am allowed to eat!) and she sniffed that my part “only” pays all the bills and 1 week of groceries…..so I said, Then the ends of the baguette came out of my 1 weeks’ worth! She really is a piece of work!!

Funky Nails.

rScreen Shot 08-25-17 at 08.49 AM Check out my funky nails! The kids  had do a big clean (since they’re the ones that made the mess!) and when they were done there was this big bag of toiletries collected, I suspected that had either been hoarded or shop lifted, incl. these funky stick-on nails and no one claimed it and it’s been a few days so I put it on. It probably only lasts overnight or maybe a day at the most, but why not? It’s fun, it’s loud, it’s bright,  it’s funky…exactly how  I was before my life killed me and turned off my light. Of course upon later and closer inspection I realized I had done half of them upside-down (duh!)…and no, no weed at the time…..just me being me…

My mother also wouldn’t let me have a chicken strip as she was “saving” them for the 10 YR old (who she’s obsessed with!) and when I said Everything’s not always about him all the time! she goes to me, It’s not always about you either! and I told her It’s never about me, and I help pay for it so I can eat whatever I want!. and she’s well-known too for always tripping and falling over things because she never looks down or pays attention and she’ll never admit it, and it’s always the other‘s fault, like when she trips over Buddy, she says it’s his fault for always getting underfoot, and she fell over the garbage bag in the kitchen too so when I cracked, So, was it the garbage’s fault this time, for being there? she snivelled, That’s right! and when I said, So how is it that it’s always the other guy’s fault and never yours? she goes, That’s just the way it is!! and stomps off! She really is a piece of work! Holy..Mother…Of….God….

I also got new flip-flops(pictured below) to replace my old dead-ones that were literally…dead…and quite literally did flip…and flop…and flip…and flop…. every few seconds as the part in-between the toes kept popping out of the hole. I paid a whole 4.50$ for it,too,and then got another pair for a dollar. The 16 YR old was complaining as well that I “stole” their day (when I went to the Ex) to go to Wonderland(where they’ve already been to once or twice already this summer) and now there was no other day they could go even though it was them who gave that day to me; I didn’t even want to go that early, just 2 days after opening day as it would be really crowded…so she can’t blame that one on me! That was their own doing, in being selfish, only it backfired. ha haGotta love karma though.

Screen Shot 08-25-17 at 12.05 PM My hubby also said that if my mother and I don’t sell the house soon that him and kids will be moving to ———— a town that, apparantly has lots of cosplay and other nerdy organizations, activities and such that he loves, but we have to get it presentable first, finish the painting, fix the big hole in the wall in the 22 YR old’s bedroom where he punched a hole thru and the plaster and wood is all all sticking out, give it a major cleaning,etc… before we could even call a real estate agent…but that could be an answer to my prayer! An escape from this toxic environment.! It could go back to how it used to be before, with just my mother and I and the dog, also before the majority,and the worst, of the traumas made me so fragile. I get a little “sample” next week though as my hubby and most of the kids are going away for a few days, giving me a break as well, with him gone and less tension and stress, and with only the 22 YR old and 10 YR old home it’s less stress, and I just want less…less of everything….just….less….



Ignore The Assholes.

Screen Shot 08-21-17 at 08.25 AM The 10 YR old (who also got his eyes checked and needs glasses now,too) is always teasing and provoking my poor dog. He esp. likes to get him going by rattling and banging the cellar door because he knows that he hates it and it will get him all riled up and barking(he’s what we call a shit-disturber) panting and out of breath, and poor Buddy gets so wound up I can feel his little heart pounding so I have to hold him and calm him down and try to get him to relax, soothing him, telling him to Just ignore him, don’t let him get you upset. Just consider where it comes from. He’s not worth it. Ignore the assholes….

Screen Shot 08-23-17 at 07.18 PM Then it got me thinking that I should take my own advice, what I’m always telling Buddy to calm him down and to try to get  him to just try and ignore him so the 10 YR old’s taunts, torments,and abuse don’t get the better of him that’s what I should just keep telling myself too whenever my family puts me down, degrades me, belittles me, berates me, insults me, gangs up one me,bullies me, disrespects me, goads and provokes me, etc… just keep repeating to myself and reminding myself concerning them:

Just ignore them.

Don’t let them get you upset.

Just consider where it comes from.

They’re not worth it.

Ignore the assholes.

Ignore the haters,

Don’t let them break you.