Shrek’s Swamp.

Screen Shot 06-26-17 at 06.15 PM This is what our pool looks like. Like Shrek’s swamp. The pool guys came to open the pool for the season….except they couldn’t find the “bridge” or something to put up the ladder and railing and there’s no suction so they couldn’t start running the pump so the water’s not circulating and their guess is that something must be stuck somewhere, such as a plug or a dead mouse or chipmunk or something so we have to get them to come back again and “blow out” the system and somehow flush whatever’s in there out so we get suction again and the pump can work. Shit. We always have so many problems, delays,and expenses with the pool. I was hoping we would be open for business but no such luck. Even then and they put all the chemicals in and it starts to circulate thru the system it will still take a few days to a week( maybe even longer if it doesn’t work, which it probably won’t for us) for the water to clear up and get all nice and clear and blue….

We also tried having a BBQ but the coals never got white or hot enough for some reason, not even after 3 HRS so hardly anything ended up cooked, other than a few hamburgers,and all the hotdogs just got warm but the skins never got black, peeling, or blistered( the way I love,and then they’re so fun to peel before you eat) or even the char-broil lines on them, so the BBQ was a bust. My hubby just left all the food on the grill and went off to do something else too it was so slow and nothing was happening and we were all so disappointed; that was our dinner and we were hungry and really looking forward to our food! Of course he never had the sense to go get new coals and try again in case the coals were defective or wet, and I have a suspicious that he probably did something to it on purpose so it wouldn’t catch because he didn’t want to do a BBQ! (he thinks I’m paranoid…..but I’m suspicious; it’s not the same thing!)

I also wake up the past 3 days in a row with a headache and dizzy which usually means a seizure is coming, sort of like a warning, like changes in the atmosphere building up before a tornado, and the headache lingered thru the day yesterday so I took a known headache remedy to get rid of it: weed, and it worked; it was quickly gone and never came back, and I said to my mother, My thoughts are solar-powered and I think I saw a giraffe in the backyard….. and she goes, Did you have your weed today? and I said, Yeah! How did you know? I also saw somewhere that seizures can be a symptom of liver failure which makes sense in my case given my past history of liver problems as well as my high liver enzyme count every time I have my blood work and also my bad fluid retention….

 

Screen Shot 06-24-17 at 07.19 PM 002 This is just here because I thought it was super-cute and just had to share it. Just because it made me smile. It’s also perfect for summer.

The kids like to hide my stuff ( clothes, toiletries, etc..) just to drive me crazy as well and make me think I’m losing my mind; it’s some sort of twisted prank or head game and mindf*ck  thing they do and my mother’s so obsessed with where things go in the fridge; they have to go in certain spots or she goes ape-shit,like when I put something somewhere and apparantly it wasn’t where it “should” be or where she didn’t think it should be,and she was chewing me out and I said, At least I put it back! What’s the big deal? and she shrieked  Not where it belongs! Why don’t you care? and I told her, Because I’m not obsessed with it like you! It doesn’t matter. She wants me to fill out her passport application too( as her old one is expiring) simply because she doesn’t want to do it and couldn’t be bothered but I hate doing them,too, and hate gov’t forms and always have a hard time and struggle with them and almost always make mistakes and fill something out wrong and they have to return it….. and I don’t see too well,either….I’m really not the one to have do it, and then she implies that I sort of “owe” her because she does my income tax(and that’s how she works; she’ll never do anything just to be “nice”; she keeps “tabs” and you “owe” her and when she wants you to do something for her and you refuse she’ll call out that “favour” you “owe” her in return) …..except that’s only because I don’t know how; it’s too hard and complex, and I can’t do math and don’t understand it, so if she didn’t do it, it just wouldn’t get done, and it’s only for the gov’t so I don’t give a shit ,because I can’t do it, but there’s no reason she can’t do her passport re-newal, she just doesn’t want to but she is capable.

Shut Up, You!

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 07.08 PM Once again when I was asking the 14 YR old something she huffed, Don’t talk to me!! and that’s just the typical way the kids, my hubby, and my mother all speak to me, with disrespect, contempt, disdain, condescension, belittlement, and scorn. Anything that I have to say isn’t important, doesn’t matter, doesn’t count, isn’t valued, is vetoed, is never considered or factored, and no one ever wants to hear it. I am always being silenced.

Anything I have to say is quickly dismissed, shut down, interrupted, quieted, shot down, vetoed, insulted, mocked, ridiculed, talked over, laughed off, ignored, disregarded, never taken seriously, discouraged, etc. they say they don’t want to hear it, don’t want to listen, don’t care, it isn’t important, it doesn’t matter, they don’t have time, who cares, no one cares, shut up, no one asked you, mind your own business, no one’s talking to you,Who cares what you say, no one cares what you think etc..

I feel so invisible, so insignificant, so small, so devalued, so unwanted, so second-class.Like I’m nothing.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 02.29 PMMy thoughts, opinions, needs, input, etc. is never considered either, even when it comes to big family decisions or problems, such as when the hall got renovated, or for painting( should we or not, what colour to use) no one ever asks me or my opinion or what I think, in fact, they don’t even discuss it with me or even ask me! I’m left out of all important family discussions, financially, life changing, involving the kids, etc. No one ever tells me anything , asks my opinion or input, and I’m always the last to know anything, even about the possibility we might be considering moving sometime in the near future; I have no say in the matter; whether I want to or not is irrelevant, and I don’t get a “vote”, or a say; my voice doesn’t count, and I overheard too the 18 YR old took a train somewhere to visit someone until the weekend too but no one would tell me where or who, even though I am the mother and would just like to know where my child is and who she’s with and I do have the right to know but I’m left out of everything. They’re really pushed me out in so many ways and it’s very hurtful. Eventually I’m just going to give up trying to get back in.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.25 PMAs well, after I had weed, all the furniture was dancing all around the livingroom, and the 16 YR old wants a summer job and she has a job interview at a hair salon next week and in 2 weeks the 22 YR old comes back after being in California for 2 months and next week the pool guys come and open the pool for the season,too, and the 22 YR old and his GF were on a late-night show as well! They were in the audience during a live taping and he got interviewed by the host! I don’t know the name of it though; I don’t watch late night stuff but I know the host was some British guy because I saw a video of  the clip.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.14 PM The 16 YR old also got a cute little hamster for her birthday! She’s always wanted one, for like the past 7 YRS or so but my hubby hates pets and was always refusing but he finally gave in. It’s name is Tug and it lives in her bedroom but we have to make sure she keeps her door shut so Buddy doesn’t go in there and EAT it, esp. since Dachshunds are bred for hunting and he does like to go after the mice and chipmunks.I had a hamster,named Hammy, that looked just like this when I was a kid and I also had mice, guinea pigs and gerbils. My hubby also sold one of our family businesses to his brother and nephew, (the mobile laser tag) but we still have the vending machines and now all 15 of them have all finally been placed.

 

 

Julio And His Friends.

Screen Shot 05-31-17 at 08.42 AM 003

I still remember Julio and his friends. When I was in Cuba every night I would go to the beach to watch the sun set and I would grab a lounge chair and sit underneath my 2 fave. palm trees and one night there was this group of Cubans in their early 20’s I’d guess that worked at the resort and they were having fun in the water, being boisterous, laughing, yelling, joking around, calling out to eachother, and this one guy would leave the group and run to the shore and someone kept calling out to him to come back, Julio! and then in grand style he’d run back to join his friends and do a somersault on the sand halfway into his run and then jump back into the water.  I enjoyed watching Julio and his friends goofing around, cavorting in the water and having fun, and it reminded me of the fun I used to have with my YMCA group and friends and now whenever I think of my Cuba trip I think about Julio and his friends, they have sort of come to symbolize the happiness and joy I felt at the beach, and on my vacation, and they now have become “immortalized” in this blog, even though they have no idea. For me, Julio and his friends are Cuba.

As well, my mother saw the doctor yesterday for her 6 month check-up and she was worried that he’d find something else wrong with her but the only thing was her BP was really low so he lowered her BP meds; that’s it, and my hubby was only able to drive her to her app’t 45 minutes before as he was “too busy” so she had to sit there in the waiting room and wait for 45 minutes! When I said I thought that was unreasonable and too long she shrugged in resignation, I’ve had to wait my whole life; I’m used to it and I told her, That still doesn’t make it right, and he bawled me out,too, because I gave the 14 YR old her lunch 10 minutes early because it best suited my schedule as I was hot and wanted to go in the shade to cool off and he snorted, You just want to go outside? but my plans, schedule, needs, feelings, and routine aren’t important and don’t matter even though it makes more sense for me to give her lunch first and then go out and be able to stay out for awhile rather than to go out for just 10 minutes and then have to come back in again! Besides, we were supposed to divide up and share the job of planning, preparing and serving out all her meals and snacks for her weight restoration between him, my mother, and I but it turned out somehow that I ended up doing it all just myself so he should just shut up!! I’m so sick of his shit.

Screen Shot 06-19-17 at 03.36 PM 001Here’s also a gross picture I took when I noticed how I had my right leg twisted and you could actually see part of the bone popping out! Isn’t that just creepy? Look carefully, do you see it?The 14 YR old is also going to a performing arts camp in Toronto all of July and the 18 YR old is a leader at Cadets camp all summer, and the stupid Kodi for the TV wasn’t working for me yet again (big surprise!) as I was trying to get the news on, and no one would help me and I was getting mad and they were all laughing at me, goading and taunting me and making fun of me and my mother yelled at me, Shut the f*ck up! and the 16 YR old was spraying water at me from a spray bottle thinking that would “shut me up”, and no one ever helps me( my mother said they’re “tired” of always having to help me, well excuse me for being stupid and always needing help) and they always belittle me, berate and criticize me, and make fun of me and I’m just so sick of it! It really tears me down and hurts my feelings.It makes me just want to curl up and withdraw into myself even more and distance myself from them even further. They’re just  all such assholes that treat me like shit and I really don’t belong here where I feel I’m not wanted, loved, valued, respected, treated with dignity and kindness. I so desperately want to leave but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go….. I pray every day that God shows me a way…

Adjectives.

Screen Shot 06-18-17 at 11.15 AM Here are different adjectives that have been used during my life that people have used to describe me:

  • ugly
  • fat
  • stupid
  • annoying
  • weird
  • dog
  • Frankenstein Face
  • worthless
  • useless
  • failure
  • free spirit
  • rebellious
  • outspoken
  • off-beat
  • opinionated
  • unique
  • crazy
  • religious
  • sensitive
  • paranoid
  • individual
  • Marxist
  • Communist
  • anarchist
  • hippie
  • pothead
  • druggie
  • unlucky
  • quirky
  • mouthy
  • loud
  • funky
  • lazy
  • stubborn
  • immature
  • imaginative
  • creative
  • worry-wart

As well, today one of the kids turns 16, and next weekend she’s having a big party and dance and she’s booked the local highschool for the venue, and yesterday morning just minutes before she was to leave for church in the morning someone picked her up and she left in a car…..I was mad….I thought she either forgot about church or just blew it off and went out regardless but luckily she returned in time to go to the evening Mass so it all worked out. My hubby also went out so we had to walk to church and it was really hot, with a humidex of 37 C and I thought I was going to pass out plus the sore on my foot was bleeding from my sandals rubbing on it as I walked but luckily on the way back it rained and was windy so it cooled it down.

It would have been nice if he’d told me earlier that he wasn’t going to be here and then I could have gone in the morning and got a ride and not had to walk in the heat but he just tells me 10 minutes before I’m ready to go! Good news,too: the grumpy priest said he’s leaving the end of July as he’s been reassigned! yay! I hope his replacement will be nice! I also saw a lady in front of me and she had no booty! None at all; it was just flat; her back and booty just went straight down together, just flat, and I’ve never seen anything like it before, and I thought to myself, it must be hard sitting, with no padding ( I don’t have that problem; I have lots of junk in the trunk) and even wondered if she maybe had cancer or something and had her ass cheeks surgically cut off? It was the strangest thing….she needs some butt implants! 😀

Last night while watching the news an emergency broadcast also came across the screen  interrupting it with a tornado warning saying to take cover immediately and then later on the same thing happened on the radio,too, and now we have another severe thunderstorm warning as well but June is tornado season though! I also forgot that I was steaming carrots and I left it on there and went to have a bath….and all the water had evaporated away and the pot had burned dry…..holy shit….I hadn’t even had any weed, either, it was just me being me….it really shook me up, I’m just always so forgetful all the time, it’s like I have Alzheimer’s or something…. it makes me feel so stupid and my mother scolded me, You can’t do that!( leaving something on the stove and forgetting about it) but I told her, forgot; I didn’t do it on purpose!

 

Father’s Day.

Screen Shot 06-16-17 at 08.03 PM Today is Father’s Day. It has always been a hard day for me and a hard day for me to get thru. It’s a day that  feels like a slap in the face, was a stinging reminder when I was younger how I’m different, and now just rubbing in the glaring difference of how my kids treat my hubby VS how they treat me. When I was a kid it was always hard for me as in school we always had to make Father’s Day cards and gifts and I was the only kid who didn’t have a father, and it would always lead up to the inevitable questioning and pestering, Don’t you even know where he is? How can you not even know where he is? You haven’t seen him since you were 2 years old? That’s so weird! You mean it’s just you and your mother? Where is he now? etc.. and it always made me feel so awkward, so uncomfortable, so singled-out, so different. I would make the crafts along with my classmates and give it to my Dedushka (grandfather) but it wasn’t the same and it still made me feel really weird and out of place. I always felt different and like I didn’t belong, but this was a time it was even more obvious and stood out clearly, and it’s always been a hard day for me to get thru.

Now it’s still hard for me, but for a different reason. At our house they always make such a big deal out of Father’s Day and heap the praise on my hubby and fawn all over him, so much so it’s sickening, and the kids do make cards for him (they said he threatens them if they don’t that he won’t drive them anywhere. I don’t know whether or not he really did, or if they just said that as an excuse) for Father’s day (despite saying that they don’t make cards anymore when I asked why they never make me cards) even though they never do for me for Mother’s Day, which barely even gets a mention,and most of the kids never even bothered to say Happy Mother’s Day! either and never even made cards, yet for him it’s a big deal and practically a national holiday, which doesn’t go unnoticed by me, rubbing it in how they clearly like him more than they like me, and it does hurt. I do wonder if they even purposely over-do it just to rub salt into the wounds so to speak, to make me feel even worse, and to make clear my “place” in this family, which is at the very bottom. I’m an outsider in own family. I’m always on the outside looking in.

Today for Father’s Day dinner some of us had chicken from Swiss Chalet and others had Chinese food. Guess which one I had? I ordered chicken Lo mein from the Chinese place; I don’t like Swiss Chalet; they don’t cook their chicken well enough and I don’t like their sauce. I like St. Hubert chicken in Quebec and they have the best sauce,too!So half of us had the chicken and the other half that doesn’t like Swiss Chalet had the Chinese food and by picking it up instead of delivery we saved 10%!

I’m Outta Here, Suckers!

Screen Shot 05-21-17 at 06.05 PM I can’t believe that tonight I’ll be in Cuba! My flight should be boarding around 4:20….ha,ha….my fave. time! My hubby says I won’t be coming back, and hopefully that’s true; I wish I didn’t have to come back, that I die peacefully on the beach, in my Happy Place, the last day of the trip, but if I don’t, at least I’ll come back a bit more refreshed and better able to deal with the stress and chaos that awaits me. He also joked I’ll be meeting with terrorists so I replied, No, with revoluntionaires!  It described my room at the resort as a deluxe balcony with terrace as well and said at the spa at the resort I can even bathe in chocolate. Oh, mercy, YES! I am soooooo ready for this!

One of the last things the 10 YR old also said to me was, Shut up you ugly mother, you and your dying dog! and that’s exactly the thing I have to get away from, and why I need a vacation and have to “recharge”. I lost my Mojo and have to get my groove back. In the fantasy book I’m writing in my head the character, after yet another failed suicide attempt, a bereft middle-age woman who is miserably unhappy, goes to a secluded Cuban paradise to find solace and solitude  also ends up finding romance where she meets her soulmate, a noble European, and she goes back with him to Europe ,starting a new life, finding happiness and love at long last, and never looks back….but in reality, in actual life, it’ll play out more like this, and all I’ll really do is spend all week at the beach, being One with the ocean, finding peace and getting away from it all for awhile(,with possibly the most “daring” thing I might do is have actual rum in a pina colada or something) only to return once again when the week is over to my unhappy, unfulfilling, stressful, pathetic life.

See you in a week! Hasta la vista! Adios, amigos!!

Lilacs.

euScreen Shot 05-18-17 at 05.20 PM I got lilacs! They have always been a fave. flower( and I just love the smell!) ever since I was a kid and my Babushka and my cousins had lilac bushes. I’ve always preferred the purple ones but they also come in pink and white. I picked mine in a public area along a road so I’m not stealing off someone’s property, and this YR the best ones were on the side of the bush along where the ground slopes down, and it was really windy and I almost fell into the river plus I got lots of scratches on my arms and legs from the broken sharp branches, but I got lots of them and now the house smells so fragrant! My mother asked me if I needed scissors to cut them too and I was almost aghast; scissors are for amateurs! I am a seasoned, well-experienced lilac picker; I’ve been doing it ever since I was about 6 or 7 YRS old; I know precisely the right way to bend the branches back and then pull them off so they come off with a clean snap! I don’t need scissors! Snort.

As well, I was so worried about Buddy last night( that maybe it’s not just his arthritis, but rather something more serious, “masking” as that, being hidden, and that may even be fatal and that he’s dying from) so I didn’t sleep much last night as I kept getting up to check on him all during the night; worried I’d wake up and find him dead, but he seems a bit better today although he does still randomly yelp in pain(and the mean 10 YR old goes, Is he dying? I hope he dies!!), and it still does seem to be his bad hip, and we also had our first BBQ of the season with the long holiday weekend and all the hotdogs, buns,and corn on the cobs were all sold out everywhere so we had to go to all the grocery stores in town to find everything that we needed but we eventually got everything ok. I also had to take over BBQ’ing for a my hubby for a few minutes when he was hit with a sudden case of the shits and had to quickly run off, and the smoke hurts your eyes and when you breathe it in you cough so the solution to my problem? I put on my swim goggles. It worked.

I’m really excited for my trip as well (I’m actually a spy being “reactivated” and being sent on a mission, ha,ha) but it sort of scares me,too, as I fear with something good happening ( the trip) I fear that something bad also has to happen, as things have to be “balanced out”; if something good occurs then something bad also has to happen; if you’re given something then something also has to be taken away and it worries me that since God has given me this gift, this opportunity, this blessing, that I have to lose something or suffer some loss  in order to “compensate” for it and I fear that maybe it’ll be losing Buddy or something. I’ve always had strange thoughts like that whenever anything good ever happens…..

Speaking of Cuba, I don’t have a camera for my trip though, unless I just use the camera on my iPod to take photos( but it’ll suck up all of the battery power)  because we can’t find the battery charger ! I was just able the find the chargers for the old Nikon and Canon cameras (which we no longer have as they broke) but not the Fuji one that we need and apparantly they’re not all the same or standard and it doesn’t fit! Shit! Just my luck! My hubby also doesn’t see why I have to pay $$$$ and go away somewhere to go lay in the sun to relax when I do the exact same thing here laying in the sun for free(and the 14 YR old snapped all I do is lay on the couch and smoke weed….. actually I lay outside in the sun and smoke weed, too).but he doesn’t get it; it’s also to get away from here, from this, from them, and I he said as well that’s the reason he’s poisoning me as well; to get $$$$$ so we can move ( as my life insurance policy is for a quarter-of-a-million $$$$) then when I said, “They won’t pay if it’s murder, you know!” he smugly goes, Only if you get caught!” and I secretly hope that I die while I’m on my trip; just die there in Cuba and not come back, and at least I’ll die happy and I won’t die here…..

and all this will finally just be all over for good.

I left my body yesterday as well after weed, and found myself floating and quickly soaring along what looked like a combination of sea and sky, based on the colour and texture of it; I was soaring overheard and looking down and it was the colour of the sky and the ocean combined and had the texture of both waves and the “fluffy”-looking white clouds. It’s cool too how when I do “leave” my body that I can see in  all directions all around me too without even moving my head,and my line of sight/ vantage point is from the top of my head looking down. It really is quite an amazing experience.

Thought for the day: Ignore the haters and don’t let them break you.