Our Mother’s Day.

HippoMothersDay Our(my mother’s and mine) Mother’s Day yesterday was pretty much just like any other Sunday, or any other day for that matter, other than the fact that we got the typical sappy cards(that we adults actually bought for eachother and pretended was from the kids, and that contained gooey love messages that none of us really feel) but the kids never drew me any home-made cards though( even though they do for my hubby for Father’s Day and for eachother for birthdays, just not for me) and, in fact, none of the kids even bothered to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Not even once. None of them even uttered the words.No one said it at all. Only my mother and hubby did. Not at all, but 2 neighbours did, when I was out walking Buddy one of the neighbour’s teen girls wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and the old guy I talk to that lives across from church came across the road to wish me a happy one which I thought was thoughtful and kind, esp. considering my own kids didn’t even bother, proving once again that total( Or not quite total) Strangers care about me more and treat me nicer than my own family does.

We also had KFC for dinner so neither my mother or I had to cook and she got a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store for us to put on the table.Not the kind I like, just a cheap 10$ one with mums that neither of us like but they were the cheapest and with a few carnations thrown in that she likes but I find are boring and plastic-like and have no smell and secretly I was wishing It would have been nice if these had been sunflowers…. My hubby got me this funny Dachshund card from Buddy as well which is fitting too because he is like my baby and he’s the only one in my family that really does love me,anyway, and I got the funky shoes that I’d picked out and I gave my hubby the bill. That’s how he buys gifts.That way he knows I like it.

. Even the kids that have moved out still never even bothered to phone or e-mail me any Mother’s Day wishes. My mother said she was upset that the kids never said Happy Mother’s Day to her either( even though I did) even though I told her that they’re not her kids though; they’re mine(and they never said it to me,either), but she’s always taken over and acts like they’re hers and expects to be treated like some kind of martyr. In church they also had  special prayers for mothers yesterday we all. It’s really just a day I prefer to get over with, a reminder of something yet again I’ve failed(even though it was my vocation and my dream, and yet something else that didn’t go as expected or work out the way I thought and ended up to be the total opposite and I end up disappointed and disillusioned) and that someone in my family will usually ruin for me anyway or use to remind me how much I suck as a mother.

I also had a portion of a perfect day last night; not the entire day, just a few minutes, a few peaceful, perfectly still, quiet moments. I woke up in the middle of the darkness and stillness of night with Buddy  beside me, and it was so still and quiet; there wasn’t one single sound.It was like the entire world had just stopped, just shut down momentarily. I couldn’t hear a thing, it was so still and quiet. It was peaceful and tranquil, leaving me alone with my thoughts and God. I couldn’t feel my heart beating either and for a moment there I even wondered if I was dead. It was such a perfect serene moment that I just wanted to capture it forever and I was so content and cocooned in my silent world I wish I could have just stayed locked away in there forever and kept it frozen like that for always. It was like a little gift from God, a small glimpse of peace. I wonder if that’s what the world is like for deaf people?Pure silence….

Tacky Lights.

ChristmasLights My hubby started  to put up the outdoor Christmas lights yesterday since we have so many and it takes so long to do; it takes weeks to get them all up and running and he only has Sundays free to do it. So far he’s done a bit of the front porch and part of the upper floor balcony. He also got these new ones that are sooo gaudy and tacky: some sort of icicle things that hang down and some sort of tree thing that look like branches with light bulbs on them. My, God, they’re hideous-looking things and I was just horrified when I saw them and I just hope that someone steals them(and they steal everything around here and last YR someone did try to steal our lights)! I don’t know what it IS about him and tacky stuff though; for him the tackier the better but it mortifies me( he thinks the giant inflatable Santa and reindeer are “cool”; I think they’re God-awful) and I prefer classic, traditional decorations and nothing overdone but he always goes waaay overboard and the lights on our house looks like Snoopy’s doghouse!

As well, I was watching a movie and there was a scene where someone yelled, “Just eat the f*cking fish!” and right at that point the 20 YR old walked in with a plate of fish so I said to him, “Just eat your f*cking fish!” and we cracked up laughing, and so far so good: we still have Buddy so we likely will  for the entire week( and I hope forever!); his owner still  hasn’t mentioned about taking him back yet and it was so cold yesterday it was – 1 C but felt like – 4 C and I wore my heavy wool sweater and hat and he froze his balls off while out for his walk and pulled me back into the house only half way and refused to go for the entire walk he was so cold! It’s just amazing too how much joy he brings me each day and who’d ever think that a dog could make me so happy but he just “gets” me and loves me unconditionally. In church someone’s perfume also smelled like skunk and a lady I used to talk to but has avoided me for months tapped me on the shoulder yesterday and asked me if I had my surgery yet…..except I had it 2 YRS ago!!! She must be getting senile in her old age or something….

I also leave you with one of my fave. Bible verses:


Lamentations 3:17

A Reading from the Book of Lamentations:

My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is;
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hoped for from the Lord.

Home Alone.

HomeAlone My hubby and mother have been away for 3 days leaving me home alone. Well, not exactly alone; the kids are here, but alone as in I’m in charge, the only one doing all the work, calling all the shots,running the show. It WAS nice having a break from them for 3 days, without them here hassling me, criticizing me ,insulting me,and always giving me a hard time, and without her always taking over,interfering, over stepping boundaries,and meddling all the time, but it was hard doing both my mother’s and my work all by myself as it’s simply just too much of a workload for just one person.The kids also kept comparing me to my mother and how she does things,preferring her way to mine(as she does more for them) making me feel inferior,although they DID like the way I cook the chicken better; I cook it crispier and I’m more generous with serving helpings.

The kids hated how I made them each wash their own dishes( whereas my mother always does it for them) and put their own laundry away( I would do the laundry but they’d each have to put their own clean clothes away in their rooms afterwards unlike her who puts it away for them), that I only cook one meal per meal(my mother would cook special separate meals for the picky eaters who didn’t like what was being served) as it’s not a restaurant; you either eat what’s served or make something else yourself; take it or leave it, eat it or starve, that I made them pick up after themselves and clean up their own mess(they had to put garbage in the garbage can and not leave it on the floor) as I’m not a slave and if they made the mess they can clean it, that I didn’t let them put their feet up on the table like my hubby does, or let them say inappropriate words like” n*gger”, and made them help out more, do more things for themselves, and be more self-sufficient.The 6 YR old also didn’t like it that I actually disciplined him and didn’t let him get away with everything like my mother and hubby always do.I make him tow the line and run a tight ship!

One clever way the kids got out of having to wash their own dishes is by not finishing their meal and leaving food on their plate or dish and leaving it on their place setting on the table so that there wasn’t an empty dish or plate to be washed, or by simply hiding the used dishes in their rooms where I won’t see it. It astounds me the great lengths they’ll go to to avoid doing work; how far they’ll go in being lazy.My oldest commented that he thinks they’ll(my kids) likely either end up not having kids or end up letting their kids do whatever they want based on how horrible they themselves are as kids. I told him the best bet’s not to have kids as it’s just not worth all the trouble,aggravation, and stress, and that I wouldn’t have if I knew what it would be like ahead of time. I’d always heard that having kids brings you happiness, joy, fulfullment,purpose,and meaning in life but so far I have yet to experience it and find it; all I ever get is the hassle and the shit.

I’m also so tired of my family always criticizing me for who I am, telling me what to do and how I should be,wanting me to be someone else(I wish I was someone else, too, but it’s impossible) esp. when I always fall short. Even when I’m not home alone I still always FEEL home alone. Even with a house full of people I feel so alone, even more alone than I feel when I’m by myself. I feel like an outcast and an outsider in my own family.

A Little Bit Of Excitement In Bumble-F*ck.

 We had a bit of excitement here in Bumble-F*ck last night.I was woken up by bright flashing fire and police lights and when I peeked out the window I saw 2 firetrucks and 4 police cars. The firetrucks soon left and I saw cops looking around with flashlights and when illuminated I was able to see the neighbour across the street’s van was turned over sideways! How strange is that?A tow truck came and hauled it away around 1 am. It also looked like the cops may have shoved a guy into the back of the cruiser but it was hard to see well as it was dark.This lasted for about 90 min. and then I went back to bed. Everyone needs a little bit of excitement every now and then esp. in this sleepy hick-ass town!

I also read Botox(commonly used to smooth out wrinkles) is proven to be effective in eliminating migraine  headaches that are longer than 15 days a month and over 4 HRS in duration each, and that’s me, only mine are more like 27 days a month average and last for DAYS! Being that for me it would be medical, hopefully our health care system would cover the cost and it would be like a 2-for-1; a bonus, I’d also get the wrinkles smoothed out at the same time,too! It’s worth looking into at least.

I read a survey on cnn.com asking if I am “swept up by Linsanity”(75% said “no”) and I had NO friggin idea what that even IS and never even heard of it so I asked my Facebook friends and they said it has to do with redneck sports. That explains it! I guess it’s generally safe to assume if I haven’t heard of something it’s probably something to do with loser sports! I take pride in NOT knowing about that, actually; it shows I’m not white trash! Speaking of losers, hubby is away today out of town for his loser cards tournament. With him not here is like a break for me,too and in all honesty, if it weren’t for my Asperger’s and Social Phobia and if I didn’t need someone to take care of me and I WAS able to function independently and  live on my own I would have left him(and my mother) long ago!!

For 3 nights in a row the radio station has gone off as well, one time 3 times in the same night, so I posted on Facebook asking then what gives, if they’re lessening broadcasting HRS during the night or something, and not only did they not reply….they deleted my post! So I re-posed again and saying they have just lost a faithful long-time listener(I switched to another channel that it turns out I actually like better,anyway) for being so rude  and THEN they replied they had “technical issues.” Well, why couldn’t they have just SAID that in the beginning instead of being such dickheads?

My arse feels broken as well; for the past WK the base of my tailbone really hurts, like it’s chipped(and I know what a chipped spine feels like as I’ve had it before, during the birth of my first child), although I haven’t had any injuries to warrant it,and it’s agony I can’t sit for long! The 17 YR old and my hubby also make fun of me I “always spit and spray” when I talk even though with my mouth, jaw, and  palate defects I can’t help it. It makes me even more ashamed and embarrassed and self loathing ,and it ‘s crushing that everyone always hates me and makes fun of me for what I am, even though I don’t know HOW to be anything else, and I WOULD change it if I could, but a surgeon told me my skeletal  abnormalities are too severe that they aren’t surgically fixable!! It makes me feel like a shit.

I also informed my cousin the new info about my mother’s inbred grandparents(on her mother’s side, 1 of each of their parents were siblings) as she has a right to know since she’s related as well and it’s the clue to medical problems and deformities, and she replied that she already knew and that ALL my cousins were aware of it and that everyone knew except me! She expressed surprised that I didn’t know but I told her that no one ever tells me anything and I’m always the last to know anything. I wonder what ELSE my mother hasn’t told me and what other secrets she might be hiding from me now?I feel like an after thought in my own family.