Skype.

Screen Shot 03-18-17 at 07.39 PM I’m now on Skype! I had been instant messaging the kids on Google Chat but they have since left and headed over to Skype so I decided to go there too in order to be able to continue to send them messages. It took me awhile though as I thought you could  only do it by web-cam, and I don’t want people to see my ugly mug (which is why I prefer to socialize online, that way I don’t get so nervous with my anxiety and social phobia as I don’t have to actually talk; I can write, which I am more comfortable at,and they don’t have to actually see what I look like!) but then someone told me you also have the option of NOT using the live-action and can just send messages without them actually seeing you, so I decided to look into it.

Of course I got zero  co-operation from my family, who made it glaringly clear that they don’t want me as a contact and don’t want me on Skype,as they tried their hardest to discourage me, wouldn’t help me, and once I did figure it out and get it all set up on my own regardless they still wouldn’t tell me what theirs and eachother’s screen-names were so that I could send them contact requests,and them and my hubby also started making excuses that  oh, no one even uses Skype anymore….when I know for a fact that they do, communicating with siblings who have moved away and out of town and over-seas friends…yeah…nice try,assholes. As it turns out, the 9 YR old knew their screen-names so he told me and I sent the requests a few days ago and still no response or reply( I think they’re purposely ignoring me) and no one has accepted my request for me to add them…..so here I have this new account…..and no contacts…..and yet another way my toxic family excludes me and makes me feel like I’m nothing.

As well, I’m pretty sure I had another seizure in my sleep overnight last night as I woke up with a sore mouth at first I thought must be a tooth but then as I awoke more I realized was the inside of my cheek on the left side, that I must have been biting down on it during my sleep, something I’d only do during a seizure, and all last evening I felt really “creepy” and gross,too, just not “right”, sort of like when your BP plunges down really low, so something must have “shifted”, leading up to it and sort of like a warning.Even today I still feel nauseated and like I’m always going to faint. I just wish I knew what it was, and what was causing it.Hopefully the EEG will have some answers…..

The 17 YR old had a nice trip in Virginia over March Break with Cadets,too, and they passed thru Syracuse NY on the way there and she said the whole city looked like a ghetto, and she went on a battleship, to the Smithsonian, an airforce museum, etc. and bought alot of coins and a really cool jellyfish encased in glass, and said for souvenirs she had to get something distinctly American and I gasped in horror, You mean you got a GUN? ( How would she ever bring that thru customs??) but it was just a commemorative Trump coin. She doesn’t like him; she thinks he’s a buffoon, but it will be a collector’s item someday.

She also said that alot of the Cadet squadrons weren’t able to go on the trip if they had Indian, Arab, or Muslim cadets as they wouldn’t let them cross the border into USA! That’s just Fascist and downright discrimination and a hate crime, not letting someone in your country because of their race or religion! It reminds me of Hitler trying to rid Europe of the Jews! New World Order! He’s a dictator!! Talk not only about racism, hate,exclusion,and discrimination, but white privilege!  That kind of shit just makes me so mad!!

One Wish.

screen-shot-01-29-17-at-02-36-pm I  like to think that when you die everyone can leave one wish for the world. If so, mine would be love and peace and an end to hate and war and in doing so it would also end poverty, homelessness,and hunger because if you love people and care about people and see them as your friend instead of your enemy, as your brother instead of as an other, and love your neighbour like Jesus teaches us to do then naturally we will want well-being for all. That would be my wish that I’d wish for the world. As for my wish for my own family, I wish that they still keep going to church and homeschooling; that they don’t stop once I die, and I want to die listening to Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah and on a tropical beach feeling the sun on my face or cozy and warm in my bed with Buddy curled up next to me. Buddy was acting really weird yesterday,too; all last night he slept glued right next to my leg and all day he kept whining and pawing at my arm,and he even sat in front of me, barking and whining, as if he sensed something bad was going to happen, and he was by my side constantly, even more than usual, almost as if he were guarding me, so I wonder if he can sense that I’m going to have a seizure perhaps, or I’m even dying soon?

The 22 YR old’s GF goes back home to California today after 6 weeks here and she joked she should convert Muslim so they won’t let her back in(with Trump’s anti-Muslim policy, not letting people in from Muslim countries) even though she’s American and they’re letting their own people in,and if she actually said that they’d probably shoot her or something, or send her to Guantanamo Bay! The 13 YR old also said about Trump de-funding abortion( which is actually something good he did) it’ll make it “unsafe”….well, hate to tell ya,kid, but abortion’s never “safe”….spoiler alert: the baby always dies in the end,and if she means the mother, anyone who’s callous enough to kill an innocent baby , her own child,deserves whatever happens to her…..it’s called KARMA.

I also noticed how skinny the lady on the TV news was( and the camera adds  weight, so imagine how skinny she must be in real life?) so I yelled at the TV, “Wait until you have kids or until you’re in your 40’s! It won’t last so enjoy it now while you can!” and my  hubby snarled about my iPod to “turn off your stupid music” so I told him, “You’re stupid!” and then he got really mad and said I “take it personally” but it was personal; it was directed at something of mine, therefore a reflection of me, yet when I give it to him he can’t take it, and about Buddy he smirked, “Look up the definition of ‘dumb dog’ and you’ll see a picture of him!”( actually he’s quite smart) so I replied, “Who? Of you?” Whenever he hurts or insults me or someone I love  I don’t take it but I give it right back to him,and then he chortled about me “always blasting my big mouth off.” I don’t know why he thinks he can talk to me like that and treat me like that, belittling me and putting me down but whenever I say anything back he gets so mad. I guess that’s just the way abuse and bullying works.

Love.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-54-am   I think every mother dreams of having a

little girl that they can dress up, love, and  be extra close to, a daughter where they will share a special bond, a close relationship, the kind of love so intense when you look at them you feel like your heart might burst. I was lucky enough to have that with the now 13 YR old when she was younger, before she grew up and got older and “out-grew” me and decided that she didn’t love me or need me anymore.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-55-am I just love these photos of us when she was little. She was so loving, so cuddly, so clingy,and she followed me around like a dog. She was literally my shadow. She was just soooo affectionate,too, and always ready with a hug or a kiss, telling me how much she loved me and I felt like the Most Important Person In The World to her.Looking at them brings back happy memories.(can you see the love in her eyes?)

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-56-am We had special Cuddle Time every morning as she was waking up and every night as she was in bed getting ready to fall asleep. We had our own little fun jokes,skits,parodies, games, nick-names, inside-jokes, rituals, songs, inventions, secret codes, etc. and she knew that when she was afraid she could come to me and that if she was sad, or hurt, or worried, and I was always there to comfort her. She knew she didn’t have to be afraid to talk to me about anything.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-57-am-001 Then suddenly one day she grew up and became a teenager and she began to withdraw from me and she no longer played our silly little games or confided anything in me anymore or told me she loved me, and, in fact, now she even hides things from me and lies right to my face, and you can forget about cuddling; no more hugging and kissing allowed; I’m not even allowed to touch her now, and she doesn’t really talk much,either, other than the occasional grunt passing by, or a toss of the hair or maybe a stomp or eye-roll.It feels like I’ve lost her.

really miss the way things used to be. I miss the closeness we used to have. It was never my  idea to lose it in the first place.still love her just as fiercely and just as strong as I always did.

I  mourn  it. I grieve it. I still keep hoping we can get it back again someday.It’s a deep, deep loss.I hope she’ll “out-grow” the not loving me and not needing me part someday.

As well, I also heard this cool name on the news : Boketsu Boekwa  and I just thought it was the coolest name ever, the way it just flows off your tongue, and so exotic and mysterious-sounding. I wish I had a cool name like that! My real name is very clearly ethnically European  and I do like  it, but it’s not exotic like Boketsu Boekwa! Maybe secretly in my head it can be my alter-ego or something…..ha,ha….the mysterious globe-trotter,and I was sickened to hear US Prez Trump has BANNED People from several mainly Muslim countries from coming to the USA, to immigrate and to travel, and this is clearly discrimination and reminds me of how Nazi Germany treated the Jews….maybe this can even be taken to the Human Rights Tribunal at the Hague, or something?

Pogue Mahone.

screen-shot-01-08-17-at-12-57-pm Did I ever tell you the story of where I got my screen-name Pogue Mahone from? I got it several YRS ago when I was in Dublin. It’s actually an Irish Gaelic phrase, pogmothoin, which means, kiss my arse. I thought it was just the funniest, most hilarious thing ever, plus it sounds like an actual name, and the oldest and I also collaborated and together we even invented this comical cartoon character we named Pogue Mahone that has an actual ass for a face,and I decided to use Pogue Mahone as my screen-name online, for this blog, for Facebook, etc. for anything where I want privacy, it’s my alias. I silently chuckle inside every time I use it because I know what it means yet very few other people do, unless, of course, they happen to be Irish, and I’ve had a few of them comment on it, saying they know what it means and it cracks them up, but others have no idea,and I even got a letter addressed to me once as , “Dear Ms. Mahone…..” It was the funniest thing ever.

So now you know.

As well I also have this weird headache for the past few days but it’s not a migraine, and I feel dizzy with it,too, and Tylenol won’t even get rid of it and I can’t quite figure out what it is, and I also feel light-headed, and I have an app’t with my doctor next week to have him check out the lesion on my back/shoulder that I highly suspect is a melanoma/skin cancer and I know that he won’t have any idea what it is( he can’t even tell his ass from a hole in the ground!) but will have to refer me on to a dermatologist but at least I’ll eventually find out.

It’s snowing yesterday and today as well and I like going for a  walk when it’s snowing, it’s like living in a snow-globe and there’s almost something magical about it, and I also heard the gov’t has banned the sale of menthol cigarettes now; more  Fascist Big Brother policies banning and regulating everything yet again, telling citizens what we can and can not do, and even in North Korea (which clearly is a dictatorship) they don’t ban or regulate cigarettes, and surprisingly even weed is legal there, too….so when your country starts banning stuff that even one of the most closed-off, secretive, brutal, suppressive,and harsh regimes allows freely then you know democracy is dead and you’re in trouble….

Canadian Values.

screen-shot-09-20-16-at-01-20-pm There is a politician here that hopes to run for leader of the Conservative party( and I’m not going to dignify the bigot by saying her name) and she has this assinine idea, which is eerily very similar to Donald Trump’s of “vetting” immigrants, that is, having them pass a “test”, or a questionnaire, where they have to answer in a certain way in order to be accepted and allowed into the country, as she calls it, to “prove” that they “share ” so-called “Canadian values”….which also happen to incl. abortion and same-sex ‘marriage!” which, of course, many people do not agree with, esp. those coming from the more conservative countries, esp. the Muslim ones, so this is really nothing more than a thinly-veiled way to “screen” for and keep out Muslims…and why…. because they don’t agree with baby-killing and sodomy? Give me a break!. Some ‘values!”

I think this is an awful idea, very discriminatory, very Big Brother, and also not very effective; afterall, people will just lie and tell them what they want to hear anyway, whether they actually believe it or not, they’ll just say whatever , to get into the country, so how is this supposed to work, exactly?  I would also think as well once the would-be immigrants find out how blatantly this country does embrace, encourage, glorify,and promote sin and immorality(as well as racism) that they’d change their minds and not want to come,afterall, knowing what they’re getting into, and would actually be better off staying where they are.

If they’re worried about keeping out terrorists, a stupid idea like this isn’t going to stop them,anyway; they’ll always find a way in, and in trying to keep out terrorists it shouldn’t also be at the expense of the honest and good immigrants that apply and such fear-mongering just creates division and an Us VS Them mentality that only angers and fuels the terrorists and their motives even more as it makes them and other cultures feel “outside” of society, like they are an “other” and not  welcomed, accepted, or assimilated, and giving in  to xenophobia, racism, and hatred and fear of foreigners  means that the terrorists win.

Kaepernick.

screen-shot-09-05-16-at-01-18-pm An American football player named Colin Kaepernick ( who I had never even heard of until now) had refused to stand for the American national anthem during a game and he was publically shamed, vilified, hated,slammed, called a “traitor” and “un-American” etc… He said it was an act of political protest, protesting a country that mistreats black people. Personally I agree with him; good for him, and he should have the freedom to do so, and I’m not such a fan of flag-waving and nationalism to begin with. I think the Americans make  way too much of a big deal with their flag worshipping anyway, and with such fervour it reminds me of North Korea or something and their staunch nationalism and devotion to their Dear Leader.

I have sort of done a silent protest in the same way with our national anthem as well. In church near Canada Day they always stand and sing the national anthem and I refuse to do so. I do stand, but I don’t sing it. I only stand instead of  remaining seated as I don’t want everyone to stare at me, but I refuse to sing it; I just stand there silently, in a defiant act of protest, not wanting to sing proudly pretending to support a country that in actual fact I hate. That would be hypocritical.

wynnenew Speaking of such merde, Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne prorogued Parliament and gave her Throne speech…..and I got all excited hoping she was going to announce her resignation…..but NO such luck! She has an 85% disapproval rating, and the Liberals also just suffered a crushing defeat in Scarborough in a by-election in a former long-held Liberal stronghold(ha,ha!). Everyone is tired of their lies, their corruption,their scandals, their shit. She’s just the female version of former Premier McGuinty. The Liberals are ALL the same; different faces, same shit.

As well, The second-oldest is going to TIFF ( Toronto International Film Festival) hoping to get a glimpse of some celebs, the 15 YR old asked me, “How come we have to go to church when we don’t  want to?” and I told her, “For your eternal soul!” and she goes, “Who  cares about my eternal soul?” and I replied, “God does!” My mother also said I’ve “always marched to the beat of my own drummer” and she meant it as an insult, but I took it as a compliment; I’ve always been unique, off-beat,funky, and a free spirit and don’t go along with the crowd.

When Buddy glanced at my mother she also glared at him until he turned away and cowered, saying, “Don’t you look at me!” and then grinned in satisfaction as he slinked away and when I said, “What are you, on some sort of power trip, or something?” she huffed, “You bet!” That woman is suchbitch I swear it took all of my restraint NOT to haul off and punch her right in her smug, smirking face! I also saw these old couple walking down the street holding hands and it was really sweet, and *I* wish I had a love like that,too; where you’re so in love that you’re still holding hands at 75 but the only love I get (other than from my dog) is in my fantasies and dreams.

 

How I See Myself.

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 01.18 PM Being ugly has affected my self-esteem, or rather, lack of self-esteem. I don’t even like looking in the mirror and even when I try to look good it’s still a dismal failure. I hate what I see and I hate  myself for  being ugly,too, and whenever I see myself in the mirror or in photos I just want to destroy myself. I see myself looking as hideous as these photos I have posted here, that I found on a site about botched plastic surgery, making them look worse than before, grotesque-looking,and this is what I see and how I see myself.

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 01.18 PM 001 Someone(I forgot who) told me once that I probably have Body Dismorphic Disorder, where I see flaws that aren’t there and see myself as ugly when I’m not, but I’ve been called ugly and been  told I’m ugly my entire life for a reason, and everyone can’t be wrong, and I have eyes; I can see, I *know* what I look like, and I look like a man in drag with my masculine features.If I don’t wear make-up I look like a dude, and if I  do then I look like a drag-queen, so I still can’t win!

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 01.19 PM My friend T says that I’m “Too hard on myself” and I probably AM, but with good reason. There’s a reason  guys have never been attracted to me, never flirted with me, never “hit” on me, never approached me, and I had to settle for the first and one and only guy that ever showed any interest; neither of us could do any better. Being ugly really sucks.

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 01.19 PM 001 I am no better-looking than the ones in these photos. I think I look hideous, actually, and no convincing will make me think otherwise, not that anyone would ever try to convince me though, because it’s the truth. It’s really  hard being ugly though, and it complicates life and limits choices and opportunities that I would have otherwise had if I had been more attractive.

Screen Shot 09-01-16 at 12.57 PM As well, something sort of neat happened: I sent a message to Dieufaite Charles(seen here) telling him that I saw him perform at the CNE and I loved it…..and he actually replied,and said he really appreciated  my support and encouragement! His name actually means “God Does” in French,too. I also read an unflattering article about Mother Teresa, that she’s not  actually the wonderful person that we all think she is and now I feel all disillusioned and I wish I hadn’t known that and wish I had never found out, and PM Trudeau is in China,too, and he lectured the Chinese about “human rights abuses” but he’s such a  hypocrite when here in this country you can’t speak out against homosexuality or you get charged with a “hate crime”(no “free speech”)and look at how badly the Native People are being treated! The Chinese should be lecturing him on human rights abuses HERE!

I also had the *BEST* orgasm of my entire  LIFE after I’d smoked weed! OMG it was mind-blowing I literally saw stars; it took me to an whole new level and all I could think of was, “Holy shit!!” It was incredible and I never knew being high “magnified” it so much! My hubby also insulted me and said I “should be a sloth instead of a hippo” and my mother chased Buddy away again as he tried to go in the kitchen to get a drink and when I said she was mean and scares him she snickered, “Good, and proud  of it,too!” Why is she such a  bitch? When they insult me and I get mad they blame me too saying *I* “can’t take a joke” and “don’t have a sense of humour” but it’s NOT a “joke” and it’s NOT “funny”; it’s mean-spirited and they  know it! My toxic family sucks. I’m ugly on the outside, but they’re ugly on the inside.