We’ve had a leak in the ceiling in the second floor hallway for awhile now, coming down thru the ceiling fan/light, even when it’s not raining. At first I thought it must be the roof leaking, like we have in the kitchen but now it makes more sense it’s more likely coming from the third floor bathroom(probably the toilet, like what happened at our old house in Toronto and the entire kitchen ceiling came crashing down) just like the 15 YR old suspected. We’d had towels there to mop it up, not a pail to catch the drips as it covers such a wide spread area no bucket is big enough to cover the leaking area. The paint had also been peeling there from the wetness and it’s stained.
I noticed just today a square-shaped crack and said it looks like it’s going to come crashing down,and guess what….less than an hour later it did, right on top of my hubby as he had the ladder up there to disconnect the fan/light after he cut the power. The fan ,mud and debris from the ceiling rained down on him onto his back and arms but luckily not his head. He doesn’t even have any cuts or scrapes, he’s just dirty and smells like sewage and had to have a shower. The photo here shows the hole in the ceiling….
…and this one shows the mess that fell below on the floor. So now we have to call a plumber and whoever else to repair not only the leak( my hubby saw a hole in a rotting drain pipe) but also to fix the ceiling hole…..another expense we can’t afford. Something bad ALWAYS happens to us in May every year so I guess this year this is it; the expense of the plumbing and ceiling repair. My hubby thought it was losing his job last month, just a month early but I warned him, no, it wasn’t instead of; it was as well as; that something else was still coming in May…
As well, I saw the gastro doc that removed my colon polyp, for a 6 month follow-up and she said if the ulcer meds don’t heal up my presumed returned ulcer in 2 weeks she’ll do another scope to see what’s going on; if it’s returned or what else’s causing the pain,and she said my polyp was bleeding so much they had to put a clamp on it too when generally they just stitch it,and it puts me at a much higher risk for colon cancer as well so I have to have the colonoscopy re-done every 3 years. I still have that stabbing pain behind my left eye as well with my headache and explosive diarrhrea too that spews out with such explosive force it would rival that volcano in Hawaii. I also had a dream I was dying and my last words were, Look at them! They’re so beautiful! and my mother asked, What? What do you see? and I answered, Sunflowers! There are thousands of them! As far as I can see!
I wonder as well when you die and find yourself on the Other Side if it’s like when you suddenly and abruptly awake up after an anesthetic after surgery, disoriented and unaware of where you are and are trying to get your bearings and find where you are , what time it is, what’s going on, where you exist in that time, etc. until you hear a reassuring voice, It’s ok, you’re in the hospital. You’re awake now in the recovery room. Your surgery went well and then you remember where you were and why you were there, and then pain sears thru you and you realize it all, but at first you open up your eyes completely unaware of your surroundings and what’s going on, and how much time has passed.You’re only aware that you exist, but not in what context.
Last night I also woke up in bed during the night and I gazed out my bedroom window I could see at eye-level what appeared to be 2 bright stars, just 2, which is unusual as there’s normally more, and to have them so low, at eye’level from my bed,too, it made it feel like they were there just for me, twinkling, as if God was reassuring and reminding me, I’m here. I love you and care for you and am watching over you. and I just stared at them, mezmerized, in deep thoughtful prayer and contemplation, for what seemed like forever, and then I realized they weren’t really even stars afterall but rather just a light shining off the big tree in front of my window, bouncing off the window pane glass, reflecting in the moonlight, but it looked so convincing, so real, and maybe part of it was all just my imagination, but it was nice either way, whatever it was.It also goes to show how perception is everything and how your perspective can change even though the situation still remains the same.
It happened again a couple of other times during the day as well; I was outside and I thought I saw pussywillows on one of our tree branches, bringing back happy memories of my childhood when I used to pick them and bring them home and put them in a vase, and I haven’t seen them in years but I loved them as a kid, but it turned out at closer inspection it was really actually just unfurled baby leaves that were curled up so tight they looked like it, and from my window in the morning it looked like there were tiny little sunflowers all over the tree at the front which I knew was a hallucination and wasn’t real, for one thing sunflowers don’t grow on trees and it’s not the right season for them(I’m planting them in my garden this year BTW), and I hadn’t had any weed, so it wasn’t that…..it’s just me losing my mind, but it brought back happy memories and made me happy and smile so there’s nothing wrong with it and no harm was done.
I also had another happy childhood memory come back where I was at camp with 3 of my friends and we were spinning around on the big tire swing tied to the big old oak tree,trying to get shade ,relief from the beating down heat of the summer sun, trading our Charlie’s Angels cards, eating ice cream, and discussing the new Carrie movie,and I even remember what I was wearing,too: ponytails, a plaid Holly Hobbie blouse that I had undone the last 1-2 buttons from the bottom and tied up into a knot, the fashion of the day, white terrycloth shorts, knee-high socks,and my striped Adidas running shoes. I was so happy then. I wish I could get it back again. I wish I could be that girl on the swing.I enjoyed life. I wish I could feel like I did that day on the swing. I wish I could get that feeling back again. I miss her. I miss me. I miss living. I miss being happy.
I also saw this one, lone, withered, dried up leaf left on a tree branch where all the other new buds have appeared and are opening up, and it’s barely holding on, just clinging there by a thread, not letting go but almost there, with just a small breeze it will be carried off and be free , flying and floating off, and I feel like that leaf; just barely holding on, desperately clinging, ready to let go, just waiting for a strong breeze to lift me up and carry me away, for my opportunity to arrive, for my time to come when I can finally let go and in a whisper just be released and drift away.
The 15 YR old had a good birthday yesterday and I’m glad.One thing I also miss about the closeness we once shared but that has been lost now is that we both had a shared love of hippos. They were both of our fave. animals and I still love them but she doesn’t. Now she even says she hates them. I realize, of course, that people grow up, they change, and they don’t always like the same things they once did, but this was one of our shared special things, something we bonded over and now it’s gone,too,and it symbolizes a common shared interest that I’m now alone left with, and I feel almost “abandoned”, just like I do ever since she’s pushed me away. It just broke my heart and was the critical point in breaking me(as well as when she broke herself,too; it just gutted me) and when she withdrew from me,shut me out, and stopped loving me it caused me to just withdraw from life completely and just drop out and give up. That was the final shove that pushed me completely over the edge. I just love her so much and losing her just tore me apart.I still pray every single day that I get her back…..
As well: karma! Buddy shit on my mother’s chair! Hahahahaha! As she would say, It’s well deserved! She’s mean to him, too, as well as to me, incl. chasing him out of the kitchen when he’s trying to eat, yelling at him, trying to kick him,etc, and dogs can also sense people that are hostile to their owners and the negative vibes they give off, so this is payback!Dog revenge! 😀
As well, for the past month, maybe even longer, it’s been so long I’ve lost count now, I’m not sleeping well; every night I sleep for maybe 3 hours well and then I keep waking up every hour and also lay awake for 3-4 hours so I’m exhausted; I even wake up tired and with stinging eyes and have to sleep during the day because I’m not sleeping at night so when I see the doc this week maybe he can give me something to help me sleep? I’ve tried melatonin but it doesn’t work for me. Also I keep having scary nightmares bad things happen to Buddy, like he gets attacked and killed by a coyote, or run over by a car, or decapitated, or stolen,or I find him dead, etc. and it’s so horrible it wakes me up and I tell myself to come out of it but it still leaves me rattled and I wonder if it’s just my fear of losing him ( the only joy , light, and love in my life) coming to the surface?
With all the crisis, overwhelming stress, and uncertainty and worry going on in my life as well I came across this quote in a blog by Stephanie Neilson:
We had our big Easter dinner (which I always dub our Easter Feaster) last night. We also had the second-oldest(who visited for 3 days) and my father-in-law. We had various kinds of potatoes and veggies, 5 hams and 5 turkeys , dinner rolls, and a Cross- shaped chocolate cake with J.C inscribed on it for Jesus. My mother and I sat in the kitchen, separate and away from the others who ate in the diningroom as they always act like uncultured losers, and true to form afterwards when I went around the table cleaning up the plates and left-over food they were throwing food at me.
This is also my Easter stash: a hollow dog chocolate, a Lindt chocolate bunny and 3 Cadbury Easter Creme Eggs , the same thing I get every year. I keep hoping for a hippo hollow chocolate but they just don’t exist….or at least not yet…. I was a pig and ate the entire bunny yesterday, 1 egg, and part of the dog. The kids also got theirs and had a foil-wrapped chocolate egg hunt and my hubby made this Escape Room style scavenger hunt for them as well but he’s such a nerd he made the riddles and clues they had to figure out to be lead to the next clue all these complex math and science questions, like calculating chemicals and such and they just got so bored of it they all quit. Then they spent the rest of the day playing video and board games. The 23 YR old and the second-oldest also practiced their jiu-jitsu and he taught her some new moves and coached her for her upcoming competition and he was such a good teacher, so patient, calm, and took his time explaining it so well.
I also celebrated by smoking weed after dinner which was desperately needed as well since my stomach and kidney pain was REALLY bad and I’ve hardly been peeing much all day. That’s my scavenger hunt; Look what I found! I found some weed! Chronic daily pain is now a constant part of my daily life and if I wasn’t always in pain I’d think I was dead and last night I again tried to kill myself by taking the 30 or so potassium 600 mg pills I had left because I know an overdose of potassium can stop your heart, so I snuggled up in bed next to Buddy and waited until I drifted off to sleep, eager to “wake” up on the Other Side…..and then royally pissed-off to find myself the next day still here, alive and in my bed.I just can’t do anything right. I can’t even kill myself properly. I still have hope it might work though as it’s a slow-acting pill so maybe it just takes longer to reach it’s full effect, maybe even over a few days? If not, I’ll just have to keep trying until I finally succeed. It would have been kind of cool to die yesterday though as it was 1 April and my birthday is 4 January…1/4 and 4/1; like a reversal. I don’t just want to be alive and trudge thru life suffering. I want to be happy and as long as I am me, have this family and this life it’s not possible.It has destroyed me and too broken beyond repair.
I am now in the worst stage of my cold, you know, the part where your nose runs like a faucet and you have to sleep with a wad of toilet paper shoved up your nostrils. I have been taking Dayquil every 4 hours for relief of the congestion and runny nose even though my mother and Patti brag, as if they are somehow superior to me for not having to medicate for their colds, that they don’t take anything for their colds, they just suffer thru it, but I have small sinuses and narrow nasal passages so I get really stuffed up and can’t breathe, so I have to take something to relieve it, but it only works for 2 hours or so…..so, I had the bright idea Why not try Reactine instead, like I do for my allergies? esp. since it lasts for 24 HRS so you only have to take 1 pill once a day, and it relieves the same symptoms as a cold: sneezing, runny nose, stuffiness…. so I did, and it works wonders and lasts longer! My nose is so clear now I can actually breathe! It’s like some miracle and from now on I know what I’m going to be taking every time I have a cold! No more cold meds, just Reactine! Weird too, I can’t even find any Contac C in any of the stores anywhere around here anymore, so has it been banned in this country for some reason or are they out of business now, or something?
My friend in France also posted a cute hippo video on my Facebook wall only he spelled it as hyppo which I thought was really cute, and tomorrow my cousins leave on a 2 month cruise to Australia the lucky buggers, and my hubby thinks in just 2 weeks he may not have a job; they’re calling everyone in for a “Big Interview” and there’s talk about relocating it all to India and everyone will be out of a job….oh, shit, if he is let go what do we do about $$$$? How do we pay the bills, which we already struggle to pay, plus my medications are covered under his employer drug plan, and we don’t have the $$$$ to pay, and all the meds I take it would cost hundreds a month and I need my meds…..oh, my God, what are we going to do?(the kids can kiss all their lessons and activities goodbye now,too) The company isn’t having anyone work remotely( from home) anymore now either like he does; he said we’d have to move closer to Toronto so he can commute if he can even be relocated elsewhere in the same company somewhere but there’s NO WAY we can even afford anything near there where the minimum cost of homes start around 500K, and that’s in the towns outside of the GTA…. I know God has always provided our needs and taken care of us before and I have no doubt He will again now but this really scares me…..
I also wonder as well when I woke up this morning if I might have been unconscious and woken up out of unconsciousness as I suddenly just woke up startled and disoriented and I had come out of a deeper place, not like a normal sleep; it felt like I had been in “deeper” and I felt like I had the best sleep ever,too, like how when you wake up out of an anesthetic,and I kept waking up during the night like I usually do, every hour or so and I remember the last time when I looked at the clock and could feel myself drifting off I could see and feel the familiar sensations of going into another dimension and saying to myself, I’m going in…. I got my weed in the mail as well; I order it online from the licensed medical producer and it’s delivered in the mail and I have to sign for it, and when I opened the door the mail lady said, This must be for you…. so I guess she somehow knew what it was, even though it comes in discreet plain packaging(like porn) and has no distinguishing labelling or return address, and I must have looked spacey,out of it,sickly, dishevelled, or something, like a pothead( ha ha) or maybe because I’m bald and she thought I have cancer or something? 😀
As well, all day I have not only had my usual BAD abdomen(not sure still what that is, perhaps uterine or colon; I’ve had trouble with both) and stomach pain(liver or ulcer, or maybe even both) I’ve had for the past week now but now also lower back pain (kidneys) AND I’ve had this “burning” in the middle of my chest, it kind of feels like when you hold your breath underwater for too long and it feels like your lungs are going to burst and you have to surface for air right away. I don’t know if it’s my heart or my lungs but it’s been going on and off all thru the day. Shit. It really sucks having liver, kidney, heart,and lungs failing. I think I’m dying.