Shitting And Starving.

Screen Shot 10-03-17 at 07.54 AM So due to my colonoscopy prep I could only have a liquid and popsicle diet all day  as well as 4 mega-industrial laxatives spread thru the day to clear out my,well, colon, and which also gave me the major shits, as in diarrhrea, and all I had to eat all day was a banana and orange popsicles, a cream soda freezie, cup of soup, pop, and orange and cherry Gator Aid. They said nothing with any red or purple dyes(as it might be mistaken under the scope as blood) but I found a cherry one without any dye; it was white! The laxative was absolutely vile,too; imagine a mixture of the most sour lemonade ever combined with water mixed with 10 cups of sugar! That’s what this disgusting connoction tasted like! Why can’t they make this thing in a pill form?

Let me tell you about my day….truly and utterly miserable day. I’m shitting and starving and bleeding….Aunt Flow decided to come, 3 days early,too, just in time for my procedure. That’s just great. It always seems to have a habit of always coming at the worst possible times. Actually, I’m bleeding twice, out of two holes….

Screen Shot 10-03-17 at 07.46 AM This is what I feel like, a hippo splattering shit, marking his territory. My colon will just let out this huge loud reverberating groan and growl and then…boom!..shit just shoots out, sprays out, squirts out, sometimes I can’t even tell if I’m peeing or shitting….it just spews out all over and erupts like a volcano, and every half hour of so. I also notice increasingly, blood as well.Now there’s lots actually, and increasingly bright red in colour and maybe that’s why I fainted the other day then,too? Maybe I’m bleeding internally and my BP was low? I first noticed a strange color(this is all liquid, BTW), sort of a bronze colour, then later more copper and then reddy-brown, and when I wiped my ass it was definite bright red blood. I know it wasn’t from “Aunt Flow” either because that hole’s plugged up with a tampon. With my luck I’ll probably end up having the stupid thing right until I die,too!

Bleeding from the colon is never a good sign and is almost always an indication of colon cancer and by this time tomorrow, way before then,actually) I should know if I have cancer or not. Maybe it’s just irritated from the colonic and bleeding as it’s like an Olympic workout for my poor colon, but with all the other symptoms too( diarrhrea normally, weight loss and abdomenal pain) it really does make you wonder, plus it’s why it’s getting the colonoscopy in the first place, looking for cancer!

Screen Shot 10-04-17 at 04.29 PM This was a Facebook status I posted earlier. It’s some pretty hard-core stuff too this purging laxative as it strips everything out of not only your colon but your body, incl. all your potassium, electrolytes, nutrients, etc. leaving you dehydrated (so I have to keep drinking lots of fluids) and can even put people at risk for seizures, heart-attacks, and strokes! Holy shit! Having the cup of soup it was chicken noodle only I just scooped the noodles out as I could only have the broth and it was so sad; I just love the noodles, it’s my fave. part and I just felt to badly, so guilty scooping them out and throwing them out like that, like I almost had to go to Confession, but somehow despite my careful filtering a microscopic morsel of chicken got thru and as I tasted it it was glorious, like a blessing sent from God, and at that moment I knew how the Israelites must have felt finding manna in the desert; I was almost glowing inside and it was magnificent. 

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Scottish-Irish.

Screen Shot 09-09-17 at 11.04 AM Yesterday I went to a Scottish-Irish festival. I felt really sick and faint all day too  and I really had to haul my ass out but it’s only one weekend a year so I dragged my sorry ass out so it’s a good thing that I didn’t collapse.I felt all sweaty too(even though it wasn’t even hot) and was worried that I would pass-out but I made it thru ok. I just didn’t stay long. This year they charged admission though, 5$ each so my hubby just dropped me off. I listened to bagpipes reminding me of when I was in Scotland and watched Irish dancing reminding me of when I was in Ireland. I also looked around at the vendors but I never got any food as I’d just ate before I’d left. “Aunt Flow” also came yesterday, 9 days late, so now not only do I have abdomenal pain from what I suspect to be either kidney stones or some kind of cancer, but now I have cramps as well. How lovely. Just in time for church today,too. It has a habit of always coming at the worst time.

This is also a photo of a psychedelic, hippie hippo from the swearword colouring book  the 22 YR old’s GF got me ( it’s soooo me….does she know me, or what?) that I meticulously coloured in with glitter crayons, the first picture in the book that I did. It took about 2 HRS to do. I was laying down on the couch feeling sick so it was a perfect thing to do. I feel like I’m fading away more every day, like  I’m a pencil sketch and  an artist is erasing a little bit more of me away each day until I get lighter and lighter and completely fade away and just disappear….

It also feels lately that the” veil” between this world and the next is getting “thinner” and closer and closer all the time, each day, that I’m getting nearer and nearer to it, like I can almost reach out and touch it, and I remember when I was in Cuba back in May walking along a small bridge to the beach I felt this “impression”, I’m dying, this will be my last trip. so I wonder if I really am going to die this year afterall, when I’m 50 like I’ve always thought? If so, I only have 3 months or so left…it’s exciting to think so; in just 3 months or less I could be in Heaven!!

I read somewhere as well that arsenic poisoning symptoms are similar to the symptoms of bladder cancer(I’m losing my appetite now,too)….really?….maybe my hubby wasn’t joking when he said he was poisoning me…maybe he really is, and that’s what’s causing the kidney damage (and other symptoms and pain) that will eventually kill me? Maybe it’s not cancer afterall, but arsenic poisoning which symptoms mimic bladder cancer? I also discovered if you listen to opera music on weed it feels like you’re riding a rainbow.(it’s awesome by the way.)

The Top Bunk.

Screen Shot 08-11-17 at 07.55 PM I still remember laying awake in the top bunk. I was 17, it was the mid-1980’s and it was in August, at the end of summer. My mother and I had just moved back from L.A. as it didn’t work out, and we had nowhere to go for awhile so we were staying at my aunt and uncle’s house for awhile and I was staying in one of my cousins’s old rooms and he had one of those old-fashioned wooden bunk-beds from his childhood, and I still remember that night very clearly: I was laying on my back on the top bunk, the window was open, it was a cool summer night and I could hear the crickets and smell the wildflowers (we were out in the country) and I was looking out at the moon and contemplating my life and my future. I was praying to God, because I felt scared and uncertain. I was uprooted and felt all alone and disillusioned.Where was my life headed?

As I gazed out the window, up at the sky, I felt so uncertain about my life and my future. Our entire dream (of starting over and having a new life in L.A) had just been shattered and here we were, having to start all over again. I had to start a new school in a couple of weeks, my final year of highschool, where I didn’t know anybody and I was The New Kid, and in a small town no less where everyone grew up together and has known one another for their entire lives. No easy task. I wondered how I would survive it, and if the guy I loved and hoped to marry loved me( nope…..of course not, and it turned out he was gay,too!) and I wondered about my future as an adult that night as well and I had so much hope, promise and dreams; that I would one day find love, romance, marriage, family, kids, happiness…..but it never did. Sure, I got married and had kids, but I never found love and having kids didn’t turn out to be the fulfilling experience I expected, and I had no idea all the traumas, hurt, struggles, misfortune,tragedies, heartache, etc. that I would have to endure as an adult….if only I knew. My life killed my hope and my dreams.

I was so optimistic then, so hopeful, I had such dreams, such hopes, such promise, I was happy, eager, and excited for the future but now there’s nothing.The innocence and exuberance of youth. There’s nothing left anymore. I have no purpose. I failed  at what I thought was my life’s ambition and purpose. I have nothing left to look forward to anymore. There’s no more hope. The future is gone. The dreams have died. I will always remember that night because it was one of the last times that I saw hope for my future, that I was excited for it, I thought my dreams can come true. It was before I gave up hope. Before life beat me down. Before there was nothing left anymore.Now the hope is gone. The dreams have died. There is no future.

Poor Buddy doesn’t feel well either; for the past couple of days he hasn’t eaten, and he feels warm when I touch him or pick him up, like he has a fever, and he has this gross mucus-y diarrhrea and he’s just sort of laying around and when he does walk he’ll just toddle along slowly, and I hope maybe he just ate something that upset his stomach or something and that it’s nothing serious, and if he dies before me(and he is 11 YRS old so it concerns me although Dachshunds can live to be 17) I would die of a broken heart. He’s the only one who loves me and the only light in my life, my only joy, and if I lose him I’ll have no one and nothing to keep me going, and nothing to live for, and the 10 YR old and 16 YR old taunt me too saying he’s dying!! they’re always trying to break me. Assholes.

I also heard on the news a woman was killed by a hippo while on safari and for me that would be an honour to die that way, and if there is a war between North Korea and USA the ones who will really get massacred will likely be in South Korea, and most of my BFF’s family still lives in South Korea, too, her brother and sister and their families, as well as most of her aunts and uncles….they must be so worried and scared right now….shit…I can’t even imagine….I also had a dream that someone assassinated Trump in order to prevent WWIII, so that he wouldn’t start a war with North Korea and trigger another World War, like killing one person to save millions, sort of like that idea If you could go back in time and kill Hitler and prevent the war and save millions of lives, would you?

The Dancing Hippo.

Screen Shot 08-02-17 at 09.37 AM How adorably cute  is this? It’s a dancing hippo! My mother got it for me at one of those Dollar Stores and it’s solar powered, meaning when you place it in the sun the sun activates it and the head and body start to swing back and forth, making it look like it’s dancing. It’s just the cutest thing! I could just watch it for HRS! I was in her room looking for something and I just happened to spot it on her table and asked her about it and she forgot it was even there so what we think probably happened was that she got it months ago for me for my stocking for Christmas and it likely fell out of the bag or something  and never got put in the stocking, but I still ended up getting it afterall…..just 8 months later, although I’d actually get more use out of it now that’s hot and sunny, unlike in the winter where I’m indoors all the time and we hardly ever have any sun! I posted this photo on my hippo lovers Facebook group as well and everyone loved it,and some people said they have it as well, others asked where to find it, and someone even said they have one but didn’t know what it was , what it did, or how it worked.

As well, the 14 YR old now dyed her hair a brilliant, bright fire-engine red, and this time it finally turned out and it looks really good( I really like it) and it’s really shiny,too, and someone left the garbage out in the middle of the kitchen floor and it had meat in it, so naturally Buddy, being a dog and having little self control, got into it, and then my mother got mad at him for being a dog, and the 22 YR old got a bike a friend gave him as well and I said now he has to get a helmet before he can ride it and my hubby scoffed he doesn’t need one because he’s over 18, and the law is only mandatory for helmets for people under 18,but I think everyone riding a bike should wear a helmet for safety; I still don’t want him possibly cracking his skull open regardless how old he is, and it’s not worth risking in an accident because he doesn’t want to spend 30$ or so on a helmet! You’re never too “old” to be safe and careful.

My hubby’s also notorious for not being able to take eyedrops and it takes several people to hold him down and pry his eyelids open for drops and when I just tilted my head back, opened my eyes and put my own drops in and said to him, See! This is how you do eyedrops! he snarked, Yeah, we all know you know how to take drugs!  and when he asked my mother what delivery I was waiting for she curtly replied, Cannabis…..what else? They’re always making snide remarks like this referring to my medical marijuana I take for my migraines that I have a legal medical prescription for, as just another thing to use against me to criticize me, to make me look “bad”, to use against me, to use to berate me and put me down,and if it wasn’t this then they’d find something else to “twist” around and use to degrade me. This is the kind of shit that I mean, that they do to me all the time, always getting in subtle little “digs” at me, wearing me down, bit by bit, every chance they can, slowly breaking down my defences, until I’m completely torn down and have nothing left anymore, and I passed that stage a long time ago. So now I just do whatever the hell I want because no matter what they’re still going to hassle me anyway, so I just do what’s best for me.

As well, I got heatstroke again yesterday, even when I was sitting in the shade; it was just too hot, with the humidex 36 C again, and we’ve been having thunderstorms pretty much every day for the past few days as well due to the humidity, and  I was excessivly sweaty, just pouring off me, even after I went in, and a headache, and I had to come inside with the A/C but all day I still continued to feel all sweaty and my skin was “sticky” and I felt over-heated, so I don’t know if maybe the A/C’s not working, or it’s just more of my hot-flashes again, or what, but I just feel so sweaty, restless, and awful for the past few days and even medication still didn’t get rid of the headache,either. I’m a hot mess, ha,ha.

Fiona Update.

Screen Shot 07-28-17 at 12.26 PM Remember Fiona the baby hippo born premature at the Cincinatti Zoo(I don’t know if I spelled that right; I’m never sure how to spell Cincinatti; that’s a hard one; how many “n’s” or “t’s” are in that exactly?) back in January at only 29 pounds, when she should have been around 100 pounds and they didn’t know if she would even live? Well, here we are now, 6 months later, and I’m happy to update you that Fiona is doing very well! She has gained so much weight that she is now over 400 pounds, healthy, strong, caught up weight-wise,and is going to make it! Yay, Fiona! You go, girl!! Isn’t she such a beauty though? Just so precious. I have been following her story ever since, following her on Facebook and even praying for her…..yes, I even pray for animals,too…..anyone got a problem with that? God loves all His creatures, and it says in the Bible that not even one sparrow falls to the ground without His knowing.

Fiona is still mainly being bottle fed milk(and she goes thru something crazy like 40 litres a day!) at this stage as hippos aren’t normally weaned until 8 months although she does have some fruits and veggies slowly being introduced into her diet, like how you would with a human baby. She has also been reintroduced under supervision to her biological hippo parents ( she had been hand-raised by zoo caregivers since her premature birth as she needed intensive round-the-clock, one-on-one care,and there was also the fear that her own mother might have rejected her for being a “runt”) and they have integrated well and swim around and frolic together in the community pool, with her mother Bibi acting protectively towards her which is also a good sign. I just love a good story with a happy ending.

So Fiona gained close to 400 pounds over 6 months and I checked my weight and I’ve lost 7 more pounds, now for a total of 49 pounds over 5 months, from the end of February to the end of July, and the best thing is I’m not even trying to lose weight; I’m not even dieting! I couldn’t lose this much weight even if I tried, even on diets I’ve never been able to lose this much, so I don’t question why……I just enjoy it! I call it my Stress Diet. All my “jiggly” parts are either shrunken down much smaller now or have disappeared, incl. flatter stomach, hardly any “bingo wings”,no double-chin, less flabby bits, rolls, “love handles”, “saddle bags”, etc… but the sad thing is though that I’ve also lost my big buffalo butt and I sort of liked my big ass and now it’s sort of flat and looks like it deflated…. maybe that’s why it also hurts alot more now whenever I sit for too long; I haven’t got all the padding there I used to!

I also discovered that looking at sunflowers is even more fascinating after you’ve had weed, and it was really hot( 34 C humidex) but after I’ve had weed for some reason I don’t “feel” the heat as much and am not as “sensitive” to it, so maybe my body temperature cools down or something, making me more “heat resistant”, but it’s the strangest thing, and then after a few hours once it wore off I was back to hot and sweaty again! I guess that’s why it’s so popular in Jamaica and other hot tropical places,too, so you’re not bothered as much by the heat! 🙂

I also got an e-mail from the medical marijuana supplier informing me of a new product and it sounds awesome: cannabis oil chewy gummies! You know, like those vitamins! The form I take it now is an oil taken with a dropper but this sounds like so much fun, like candy for potheads! My mother said kids would think it’s gummie bears and eat them but I’m sure that they have the child-proof lids on the bottle just like my cannabis oil does…duuuhhh….I think that would go without saying since it’s a drug and would be safe-guarded like any other medication…I also think the 14 YR old’s anti-depressant might be starting to work already (they said it takes 2 weeks but I noticed mine starting in just a few days, and my theory is the more severe the depression the sooner you notice the change) and I can just sense something different in her. She seems to have this light, this spark, that wasn’t there before. I mean it used to be there when she was her old self, before the depression and eating disorder took hold of her, but I haven’t seen it in the past 2-3 years…..I think the darkness just might be starting to clear…..oh, I sure hope so….

Happy Distractions.

Screen Shot 07-27-17 at 10.42 AM My hubby is in Toronto again this weekend, so I have to walk to church again,and he hasn’t driven me to church or the 22 YR old to jiu-jitsu in over a month now and it seems to me that he’s backing out of family obligations bit by bit; he’s either not here to drive us or he is but he says he’s too busy and doesn’t have the time…..of course when he’s away that also leaves me to deal with the 14 YR old on my own, incl. that she’s still balking trying to get her to eat, refusing what’s served, refusing to even have a snack, and then trying to pass off measly melba toast and cheese as a snack when she needs something with more “bulk” (such as a muffin, ice cream, scone, cookies, etc…) and when I told her that it wasn’t enough, esp. now she’s losing weight she hit me with the French bread baguette! It’s also his job to get her to have her shower and wash her hair as she doesn’t do it if I tell her; she doesn’t do anything I tell her, so the therapist told him that it’s his job to get her to do it, except he’s never here or he forgets to remind her if he is…and of course now he’s not here it won’t get done… I’m left here alone with it all….I can’t deal with all this on my own. I can’t do it all myself.

Screen Shot 07-28-17 at 04.40 PM Needless to say I have alot of stress in my life with ongoing crisis, and the way my family treats me,etc… so when I need a break, a distraction, a Happy Place to go to, here is a list of the things I like, and like to do, that make me happy, take my mind off things,make me smile, I enjoy, help me relax and chill-out, a temporary escape from all the shit in my life:

  • Go swimming
  • Hang out with my dog
  • Sit out or lay out in the sun
  •  Read
  • Weed
  • Travel
  • Shop
  • The ocean, beach
  • Sunflowers (see the extreme close-up photo I took?)
  • Hippos
  • Have a nice long bath
  • Watch a movie or a funny TV show
  • Listen to music
  • Church
  • Look at old photos and enjoy the happy memories
  • Try to find joy in the little things each day

D&D.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.48 PM This is some of the 22 YR old extensive Dungeons & Dragons figurines. He got alot of them in California and he meticulously hand-paints them( they are originally just black) and adds fine details on them, painstaking work that I know I wouldn’t have the patience or the eyesight to do. He spends hours sitting at his workshop working on them.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.44 PM 002 This is his workshop which he has set up in the play room. He really is quite the creative artist and I think he could sell them and make lots of $$$$ but he said that would take the fun out of it, and besides, he couldn’t part with his creations that he made so lovingly.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.44 PM He also made the “grass” seen here. Originally it was a faux fur material the girls had to make vests and it was various shades of brown but he painted it with various shades of green and it turned out really well to become a savannah or grassy plains, or prairie, or whatever venue his battlefield calls for.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.43 PM 001 This is my fave: the trees! He also made these trees all by hand! The one of the left reminds me of bonsai tree. I think these are just amazing and he definitely has artistic talent ( like most of the kids do in one way or another; creative, by painting, drawing, music, writing, etc..) I also went swimming in my green pool, just like a hippo; they swim in green water, and despite all the vacuuming and chemicals we keep dumping into it I think it’s just something that we’ll have to learn to live with, green water. I’m the only one that will swim in it though, the kids are too ‘scared” but I know it’s clean with all the chemicals in it.

The 14 YR old also lost 4 pounds in a week, a major set-back that is concerning, likely due to being away at camp for 2 weeks where we weren’t able to monitor her eating, and just when she was almost at her ideal weight after 5 months in treatment….and now she’s back to going back every week! I just hope she’s not back to vomiting up her food again, or that being weaned off her meds isn’t allowing the eating disorder to take hold of her again. Just when we think she’s making progress….now this… I try to reach out to her as well but she always keeps pushing me away and sometimes I think she’s unreachable and beyond the point of no return, and it feels like I’ve lost her forever….. it breaks my heart.

My mother, the 22 YR old,and I also went to the Chinese buffet for her belated birthday dinner. I like it better at lunch though as the selection is better as they have more noodles and dumplings that I like which they don’t have at dinner, they have more meat dishes at dinner. Plus, my hubby took forever to pick us up and we were waiting for 45 minutes after we’d already finished eating for him to come pick us up and then after that we still had to drive all around while he did his errands and we were so late and so tired, it was exhausting and we were gone 4 HRS and we just wanted to go home. He always does that though; keeps us waiting for unreasonable times and doesn’t care if we’re tired or want to go home; it’s just only ever about his schedule and what he wants and it doesn’t occur to him what other people want or that they might have plans too or want to get right back, and he snarks that I ” don’t have anything to do anyway” so it doesn’t matter, he’s really quite inconsiderate.