Awesome!

HippoShirtShelfies

Check this out! I finally found the awesome hippo shirt I’ve been looking for! There’s this online place that makes T-shirts and stuff and lets you create your own they custom-make for you using the photo images you send in, incl. your own face if you want.They have short sleeves, long sleeves, hoodies, and even do pillows! I decided on the short sleeve as this way I can wear it all year in both summer and winter but the long sleeve only in winter, plus the short-sleeve one costs less. This was the perfect answer to my dilemma of never being able to find a hippo shirt with hippos all over the shirts, front, back, sleeves, everywhere…..but this is!It’s also made of the stretchy polyester material I fondly remember having shirts of as a kid in the 70’s so for me it’s nostalgic,too. So, this will be my Christmas gift from my hubby. We always do it this way as he never knows what to get me anyway(he knows I like and collect hippo things, for example, but he can’t remember which ones I already have or not) and this way he knows I like it, it’s the right size, the right style or colour, etc. I just give him the bill. ūüôā

One day a week for the next several weeks my hubby’s also in Toronto all day taking a course for work to upgrade and I¬†don’t see him all day and it’s¬†wonderful! It feels like such a huge weight’s lifted off where I can just relax and not always feel on edge like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, and where I can literally¬†feel my stress level go¬†waaayy down with him not here getting in my way, getting in my face, always putting me down, cutting me off, upstaging me, proving me wrong, embarrassing me, dismissing me, devaluing me, being condescending to me, humiliating me, insulting me, etc. and I really¬†enjoy that day each week; it feels like my special Day Off, a stress-break, freedom, a sense of relief and,¬†Oh, good, he’s gone all day! Today’s the day he’s gone! I also had the job of manually expressing Buddy’s impacted anal sacs today.¬†My life is so glamorous. Ha ha.

 

Hippo Gallery.

hippos12¬†I could have posted once again about my shitty life,how broken and tired I am, or about how miserably unhappy I am, or how much my heart and soul aches and how I long for another life, a different life,how everyone always ends up tiring of me and leaving, how I wish I was someone else and hate it that I’m me……but I decided against it and decided to give you hippo photos instead because hippos make me smile and they make me happy and they make my heart glad and¬†everyone needs a reason to smile.

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When I Die.

Screenshot_470¬†Today my lower back pain and abdomenal pain are both really bad. Maybe I really¬†do have cancer ( ovarian? cervival?¬† colon? rectal?) or something afterall? I also felt a¬†POP! in my lower abdomen just before the pain came back and now it feels really crampy and colicky, sort of like early labour and also the closest way to describe the feeling would be like it feels a cement truck keeps pouring liquid cement into my pelvic area and it feels like it keeps expanding and expanding and I feel like I’m going to explode! My abdomen’s also really bloated and I look prego. I wonder if it might also be my ovarian cyst getting bigger, or perhaps maybe even my IBS, inflamed pouches in my colon acting up again, something rupturing maybe, an aneurysm about to burst, or a hernia, perhaps? All I know is I feel like I’m fading away and it feels like there’s something inside me¬†sucking the LIFE out of me, and at times it also literally¬†feels like a suction, like my insides¬†are being sucked down and out of my body from the bottom end, and so it got me thinking…..

If I’m told I’m terminal, what are the last things I want to do?

  1. 1.Spend as much time as I can with My Boy. Buddy and I are like 2 separate halves and when we’re together it makes a whole, and complete one and if either half is missing¬† the other half is incomplete and can no longer survive. I want to cover him in snuggles, kisses, and love as long as I can before I die. I just¬†love him so much and I want to spend as much time with him as I can and let him know how much I love him and that I’ll love him forever and never forget him and how grateful I am he was in my life and brought me joy,companionship, and love.

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2. Get sunflowers. Even if they’re not in season. Even if it’s in winter, for example. I’ll even splurge and go to the florist, or order online, or buy them at the hospital gift shop or somewhere else more expensive than¬†Wal-Mart¬† or the grocery store where I usually get them. They make me happy. I also want them for my funeral.

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3. I want to go to the zoo in Toronto and see the hippo. I love hippos and want to see one again before I die. It’s likely even the¬†same hippo that I probably saw at the zoo many times before as a kid and teen when I lived there. (I mean I lived in Toronto, not at the zoo, ha,ha)

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4. Go to Jamaica. I want to go on one last trip, one last vacation, one last getaway. I’ve already been to most of the islands in the Caribbean but not Jamaica and it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go to. Plus I also want to go to the¬†Bob Marley Museum. If I needed surgery though I would go on my trip¬†first, in case I don’t make it, or I’m too sick or hurt ing afterwards to go, or I decline too quickly afterwards.Maybe I’ll even get lucky and I’ll die¬†there, in my fave. spot, my¬†Happy Place, on a tropical beach by the ocean in the Caribbean, listening to Reggae, with the sun shining on my face…

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5. Smoke a big-ass monster joint. I want to get so ripped I can’t even stand up anymore. I want to smoke my face off.

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6. Eat truffles. The really good kind, the delectable kind, the kind that melt in your mouth and make your toes curl and your eyes roll all the way to the back of your head. The decadent kind. the expensive kind. A whole bunch of them, and eat them all at once, and 

because why the helll not; I’m dying anyway!!

 

That’s basically it, I’ve already done everything I’ve wanted to do and been everywhere I wanted to go so I’m ready. I also have been feeling very “ethereral” the past couple of days too so maybe it really¬†won’t be too long now until I die then? I sure hope, and preferably before winter,too as I really don’t want to have to suffer thru another winter. The 23 YR old also told me he¬†got in trouble(apparantly he “didn’t know” it was supposed to be a “secret” and that I “wasn’t supposed to know”) with the oldest for telling me that he and the 20 YR old¬†“take and sell drugs” as he, the girls,and my hubby are always telling me that to upset and worry me and keep me up nights, although I’m really not even sure if it’s even¬†true or not or if they’re just¬†mind-f*cking me again like they always do and playing on my anxieties, worries, fears, and toying with my sensitive¬†Mother-Heart that never¬†stops worrying, fretting, and praying about my kids no matter¬†how old they are, and I still want them to be happy,healthy, and safe.

 

Today.

Clouds¬†Today was like¬†this. It’s also supposed to be the last really hot summery day. 29 C with humidex of 33 C. From now on it’s supposed to be more seasonal, around 19 C to 21 C range. It’s also really windy like when a storm’s coming.

BuddyAndI Love.

Screenshot_421¬†I got sunflowers. Probably the only way I’ll ever get any since I can’t seem to grow them myself.

Screenshot_422¬†My hippos I’d ordered arrived.

Today was an oddly really¬†good day. I wish every day could be like today. If I died today I’d die happy.

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Thank you, Dear God, for this day. Thank you for today. Thank you for a good day.

Dognapped!

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Last night My Boy was kidnapped! The 17 YR old said she’s been hearing mice in her room during the night scurrying around and it freaks her out and keeps her awake at night so she decided to “kidnap” Buddy out of my room(where he sleeps) during the night to catch the mice in her room. So, she(along with the help of the 15 YR old and my hubby) decided to try and sneak him out of my room during the night once I fell asleep. Their original attempt didn’t go so well; there’s no way he’d ever allow anyone to remove him physically while he was guarding me as I slept, plus I also had fallen asleep with my arm around him and he wouldn’t let anyone take him away from me without a fight, and at the very least he’d bark and growl and I’d wake up, so they had to get out the¬†Big Guns and¬†lure him away instead of trying to grab him.That’s dirty pool!! My hubby used the annoying squeaker that he knows he hates and blew on that….and he came charging out of my room, following the sound….and then they grabbed him and locked him in her room!

I later woke up not too long after, realized he was gone, and let him stay for awhile, realizing what they were doing, and opened up my bedroom door(which they had closed, I guess so I wouldn’t notice anything) so he could come back when he wanted….except they’d¬†locked him in her room, but when I got up again at 5 am to go pee and I noticed he was¬†still¬† gone I was like,¬†OK, enough is enough, I’m going to get my dog and bring him back where he belongs,¬† so I picked the lock in seconds (because extractions are one of my specialties from my past; don’t ask why) and he was laying across the foot of her bed and he must have heard me as he didn’t bark and¬† his head had perked up and when he saw me his tail started wildly thumping and I picked him up and brought him back into my room with me where we snuggled in bed for another hour or so. His right eye(I¬† think the same eye that had the lump under it before) is swollen now as well, and it’s on the same side as his missing toe so maybe he hit it on the coffee table when he fell down the other day and it’s the dog equivalent of a black eye, or maybe it’s an insect bite, esp. as I¬†did also see a wasp near him the other day and heard him yelp….

hippos10¬†My friend W (in Ottawa) also told me he saw hippo home decor (such as the one pictured here) at his¬†Wal-Mart and he suggested I go to their site online and look….and¬† low and behold,¬†there it was, and on sale, too, reduced from 21$ down to 15$ so I ordered it….

hippos11¬†along with this cool hippo mug as well. I don’t drink tea or coffee¬† but I can use it for other stuff,too, such as hot chocolate( in the winter) or to store pens and pencils in. Odd though is that they don’t deliver. They deliver to the closest¬†Wal-Mart and I have to go to the store and pick it up, but they don’t deliver it to my house. I thought that was kind of weird. Just like when we first moved here we had to share taxis. I’d never seen that before. I also got a letter in the mail from the neurologist in Kingston informing me that my app’t the end of November has been changed to early November…..but the thing is I¬†didn’t even¬†know I¬†had that app’t! No one ever told¬†me (he didn’t mail me a letter with the app’t date like he usually does) so it’s good it¬†was switched otherwise I’d never have known.

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The 23 YR old also made some $$$$$ doing odd jobs so he went out and bought some new clothes, incl. the ones here. I think he looks like a pimp, ha, ha(and no, he’s NOT GAY in case you were wondering; he had a long-term GF for YRS). I like and admire his expressive style though and encourage it,being unique, just as long as it’s not against God ( such as girls’ not too short or revealing or any occult symbols,Goth, or anything like that) I just hope he doesn’t get beat up by some dumb redneck or something ! He’s always been a ham,too; a funny guy and a jokester as well as one of my faves. He’s one of the three I’ve always been closest to, at least when they were younger, but now none of them love me anymore. ūüė¶

It was weird as well I was laying down and I felt like something was literally turning¬† around and¬†churning in my belly but it wasn’t my stomach; it was lower down, in my abdomen, and it actually felt like when you’re prego and you can feel the baby kick for the first time and if I wasn’t 51, in menopause, and¬†haven’t been laid in 12 years (since I got prego with the youngest) I’d even wonder if I was prego, esp. since my other symptoms are the same as while prego,too, incl. extreme fatigue, ravenous hunger, really sore lower back, no¬†Aunt Flow in 14 weeks or so, nausea, headaches, weight gain… even though the absent period is due to menopause and the hunger and weight gain either because of my heavy weed use( ha,ha!) or side-effects of my medications,or maybe it’s the way it is with menopause… but in any case, my doctor ordered a pelvic ultrasound (¬†finally!) next month to try and find out the cause of my abdomenal pain which I still have on and off. Maybe my colon’s twisting or blocking or something, or the inflamed sacs are even popping or something?

 

Self-Portrait.

hippos9¬†Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids.¬†I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures¬†over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so¬†mad, that I yelled in his face,¬†You’re so¬†stupid! That’s¬†NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a¬†hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore!¬†I saw my¬†Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head:¬†what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s¬†real, and what I¬†think is real-life is really just my imagination?

Screenshot_314¬†This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were¬†freezing our asses off¬† (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I¬†do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

Screenshot_315¬†This¬† is also one of the most¬†beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to¬†Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. ūüėÄ

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The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song¬†porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls¬†Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly,¬†Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for¬†you, so you’d shut up!!¬† and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed¬†him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted¬†¬†there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced, I¬†can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit.¬†I hate being me. ūüė¶

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.