I was originally going to post a book review of the latest Beverly Lewis Amish-themed book I read, The Proving, but I’ve just been so lazy and other things just keep on coming up and I feel like a reluctant highschooler delaying an assignment groaning, Ugh, I don’t want to have to do a boring book report! so today you have this post instead:
I was thinking I really hope that it turns out that I do have cancer afterall as I would see it as a blessing and a gift because it would finally give me a way out of my miserable life, toxic family, and unhappy existance; what I’ve been waiting for for years, I’ve wanted to die, hoping to die, and been waiting to die for a long time and this will finally be my chance, my opportunity, and I have such an intense longing for heaven too and this will finally allow me the opportunity, only without the sin of suicide. I will actually be very let-down and disappointed if it turns out I don’t have it afterall(and I still have decades to live !) even though the symptoms ( diarrhrea, extreme weight loss, abdomenal pain,and history of colon cancer in my family)strongly suggests otherwise. Most people would hope and pray that they don’t have it and would be so relieved that they don’t, but not me; most people don’t want to die, but not me, I’m eagerly looking forward to it, and anything that brings that day closer I will be grateful for, and besides, my life isn’t worth saving anyway,and it’s not that I’m giving up; I’m letting go.
If it turns out I am dying, I hope to go to Jamaica and die there and my ideal setting would be dying on the beach in the Caribbean; my Happy Place, under a palm tree, looking out at the ocean, watching the sun set, listening to Reggae music and smoking a big ‘ol fat joint,and snuggling with my dog. These are the things that make me the most happy and if I die surrounded by them I’ll die happy and with a smile on my face. They say in Heaven your dream come true too so if that’s true then for me it would consist of me living in a replica of my old Toronto house only on a tropical beach setting with palm trees by the ocean and a field of sunflowers out the back and reunited again with my fave. dogs, Chihuahuas Teeniea, Chibby, and Yuri,and of course Buddy later on. To me, that is pure happiness.So is being pretty and finding love but I don’t know if that’s possible, esp. in the spirit realm…but you never know, right? Anything is possible with God…
I was also thinking how happy and better off my family would be when I do die. They all hate me, think I’m annoying, a burden, and don’t want me around anyway, so they would be happy to see me go, and there would be less conflict with me gone as my mother and hubby wouldn’t have me to kick around and berate anymore, and they say I don’t do anything anyway so they won’t even notice I’m gone, and with one less person it will save $$$ on groceries and a smaller house with one less bedroom, they’ll get my life insurance $$$ and likely stop going to church(which they hate) and be rid of me at the same time! If you ask me, I think they’d be happy actually, joyous even, none of them will even cry, be sad, or miss me but will probably cheer, Finally! She’s gone! We’re rid of her!!
The 10 YR old was freaking out about some trivial thing as well and had a major spaz meltdown; he went full retard and so my mother said he didn’t have to do his math and just double-up and do both the next day and I said that’s not acceptable and my hubby would agree and then she snarked, You don’t do it anymore, so I’m in charge, in less you want to take over? (I can only do math up to grade 6 and then my hubby has to take over but he’s always been the one in charge of the math; my brain can’t handle it but lately he doesn’t have the time so my mother’s been supervising it) and then he said he agreed with me and she sneered that I “snitched” on her to him(and he made him do the math,anyway) even though he and I are the parents , not her, and we make the final decision with the kids, incl. homeschooling, and it’s not up to her to veto it,and then she huffs that when we’re not doing our jobs she has to step in and take over and pick up the slack,and I told her that there’s a difference between helping out and over-stepping boundaries, taking over, and meddling; there’s a fine line between helping and taking over but she doesn’t seem to know the difference( or care) and always crosses that line. She’s just a nasty little troll.