When I Die.

Screen Shot 09-25-17 at 04.25 PM 001 I was originally going to post a book review of the latest Beverly Lewis Amish-themed book I read, The Proving, but I’ve just been so lazy and other things just keep on coming up and I feel like a reluctant highschooler delaying an assignment groaning, Ugh, I don’t want to have to do a boring book report! so today you have this post instead:

I was thinking I really hope that it turns out that I do have cancer afterall as I would see it as a blessing and a gift because it would finally give me a way out of my miserable life, toxic family, and unhappy existance; what I’ve been waiting for for years, I’ve wanted to die, hoping to die, and been waiting to die for a long time and this will finally be my chance, my opportunity, and I have such an intense longing for heaven too and this will finally allow me the opportunity, only without the sin of suicide. I will actually be very let-down and disappointed if it turns out I don’t have it afterall(and I still have decades to live !) even though the symptoms ( diarrhrea, extreme weight loss, abdomenal pain,and history of colon cancer in my family)strongly suggests otherwise. Most people would hope and pray that they don’t have it and would be so relieved that they don’t, but not me; most people don’t want to die, but not me, I’m eagerly looking forward to it, and anything that brings that day closer I will be grateful for, and besides, my life isn’t worth saving anyway,and it’s not that I’m giving up; I’m letting go.

If it turns out I am dying, I hope to go to Jamaica and die there and my ideal setting would be dying on the beach in the Caribbean; my Happy Place, under a palm tree, looking out at the ocean, watching the sun set, listening to Reggae music and smoking a big ‘ol fat joint,and snuggling with my dog. These are the things that make me the most happy and if I die surrounded by them I’ll die happy and with a smile on my face. They say in Heaven your dream come true too so if that’s true then for me it would consist of me living in a replica of my old Toronto house only on a tropical beach setting with palm trees by the ocean and a field of sunflowers out the back and reunited again with my fave. dogs, Chihuahuas Teeniea, Chibby, and Yuri,and of course Buddy later on. To me, that is pure happiness.So is being pretty and finding love but I don’t know if that’s possible, esp. in the spirit realm…but you never know, right? Anything is possible with God…

I was also thinking how happy and better off my family would be when I do die. They all hate me, think I’m annoying, a burden, and don’t want me around anyway, so they would be happy to see me go, and there would be less conflict with me gone as my mother and hubby wouldn’t have me to kick around and berate anymore, and they say I don’t do anything anyway so they won’t even notice I’m gone, and with one less person it will save $$$ on groceries and a smaller house with one less bedroom, they’ll get my life insurance $$$ and likely stop going to church(which they hate) and be rid of me at the same time! If you ask me, I think they’d be happy actually, joyous even, none of them will even cry, be sad, or miss me but will probably cheer, Finally! She’s gone! We’re rid of her!!

The 10 YR old was freaking out about some trivial thing as well and had a major spaz meltdown; he went full retard and so my mother said he didn’t have to do his math and just double-up and do both the next day and I said that’s not acceptable and my hubby would agree and then she snarked, You don’t do it anymore, so I’m in charge, in less you want to take over? (I can only do math up to grade 6 and then my hubby has to take over but he’s always been the one in charge of the math; my brain can’t handle it but lately he doesn’t have the time so my mother’s been supervising it) and then he said he agreed with me and she sneered that “snitched” on her to him(and he made him do the math,anyway) even though he and I are the parentsnot her, and we make the final decision with the kids, incl. homeschooling, and it’s not up to her to veto it,and then she huffs that when we’re not doing our jobs she has to step in and take over and pick up the slack,and I told her that there’s a difference between helping out and over-stepping boundaries, taking over, and meddling; there’s a fine line between helping and taking over but she doesn’t seem to know the difference( or care) and always crosses that line. She’s just a nasty little troll.

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Before I Die…..

Screen Shot 09-11-17 at 07.08 PM I was thinking; if it turns out that I actually do have cancer or I’ve been poisoned and I’ve only got a few months left to live, here are my dying wishes, my Bucket List, or last things I want to accomplish,and do, before I die:

-Go back to the Toronto zoo and see the hippo again

-Get high as f*ck

– Get my brains f*cked out

Go to Jamaica and see the Bob Marley Museum

Fly in a CF-18 fighter jet and scream across the sky

-See the ocean one more time

-See my old house in Toronto one more time

-Get a French manicure again

-Plant sunflowers in my garden

-Get those tie-dye socks

 

I had a dream last night where an impression was made on me, Trouble is coming, making me wonder exactly what kind of trouble was implied; medical, legal, stress-wise, emotional, financial…..what? I had another dream as well that my cousin B is going to die shortly after me and so is Buddy ( likely of a broken heart after losing me) and that she’s the one who brings him to me. In reality though she does have a twisted bowel and is getting a CT scan a week after I get mine, so who knows…. I also forgot about the 14 YR old’s snack last night and I wasn’t even on weed either; I was just busy doing my blog and talking to the 22 YR old and it slipped my mind and I lost track of time and then I went up to bed….then later on I woke up in the middle of the night and realized, Oh, my God! I forgot about her snack! and I felt so badly but luckily she remembered and had a piece of cake that she, the 16 YR old,and the 22 YR old’s GF made, and she remembered her night-time pills on her own,too!

We still can’t find alot of the curriculum we need for this year’s homeschooling,either,and I’m convinced one of the kids  either hid it somewhere or threw it out in the garbage so they wouldn’t have to do it, so we’re trying to order an answer key to the grade 8 language arts and my hubby said he couldn’t find it anywhere online except unless you buy the entire set for 2000$ and he asked me where I got it from originally and I told him and I went on the site and in under a minute I found it…..and for less than 10$,too! I don’t know why he didn’t just ask me to begin with! It would have saved him alot of time and trouble….

Hurricane Irma also devastated 95 % of St. Martin where I’ve also been a couple of times and hit Turks and Caicos, which I’ve been a few times,too, hard as well, and now hit Florida where I’ve also been a couple of times…..geez….it seems that pretty well everywhere I’ve been to ends up having some sort of disaster, and my friend in Tampa the last time I heard from him he said the power was out where he was and I haven’t even heard from my friend in Sarasota, and even friends in West Virginia, Tennessee,and Alabama said they’re being hammered by the storm and have lights flickering and  power out,too! It’s a real bad motherf*cker! The Bible did warn though of increased natural disasters and unusual weather patterns in the Last Days  though….

Yesterday was also the 16th anniversary of 9/11, or the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in NYC and every year the Americans always make such a big deal of it; they really over-do it and make such a big thing over it, acting like they’re the only ones that ever get terrorist attacks and it was the worst thing ever and how dare they get attacked sort of thing, etc… when really it happens all the time all over the world and is a regular occurrance in countries in Europe, Africa,and the Middle East, but it happens one time like this USA and they act like they’re “special”, and it’s no wonder with all their Imperialist war-mongering they do all over the world, too, invading  and bombing other countries and such, pissing everyone off, what do they expect? They’re made alot of enemies…

Back To School!

Screen Shot 09-05-17 at 07.43 AM Yesterday was back to school, except for the 14 YR old who started her first day ( of highschool! She’s in grade 9 now!) today because she had her weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic yesterday. Now we still have 3 kids homeschooling and 2 away at post-secondary, one in her 3rd YR of university, and one starting her first YR. As for the homeschooling, we have one in grade 9, one in grade 11,and one in grade 8. The first day went ok although we weren’t organized or ready; my hubby still hadn’t installed the highschool curriculum(which he ended up doing at the last minute) on the computers ahead of time and we still haven’t been able to find some of the curriculum or an answer book but they did what they could. The 18 YR old’s first day went well too and she even won tickets to her fave. band from some contest. They still have Frosh Week too like they did when I went there only I never participated in any of that as it’s a sort of meet-and-greet get-to-know you social interaction sort of thing and I’m not big on social events or on any of that “school spirit” stuff, which I always thought was dumb; I just go there to learn and then I come right home. I never did any of the after-school activities or joined any of the clubs,either; I couldn’t wait to get out of there every day!

I can still very vividly remember the fear, anxiety, worry,stress, and nervousness on the first day of school every year as well; it was so bad for me that I was actually sick to my stomach and I threw up. It was just brutal, just awful. My anxiety was just thru the roof. I could just feel the collective anxiety and nerves yesterday as well as all the kids headed back and so I said a prayer for them,and I still remember all the worries of a student well: Will I have a lab partner for science? Will I have someone to eat lunch with? Will I find a gym partner? What if I forget my locker combo? Will the bullies and bitches be in any of my classes this year? Will I get any of the mean teachers? Will I get lost or end up late trying to find my classes? Will any of my friends be in any of my classes? What if I don’t know anyone in my class? Luckily for my kids being homeschooled they don’t have any of these fears and they know what to expect every year so it takes alot of the pressure and worry off so they can just concentrate solely on their lessons.

As well, the 14 YR old entered an art contest and she won Second place, and on the way to the clinic I saw a car rolled over in a ditch by the side of the highway and it was upside-down on it’s roof(probably distracted driving like my hubby always does!!!!), and the therapist asked my hubby now that he’s stepped up and told the kids to treat me with more respect and they have which makes me feel better, how does that make him feel and he just shrugged, Indifferent, and they looked like they were taken aback by his cold reply, as it was so glaringly obvious that he doesn’t give a shit about me, and he said(talking about me) that the kids Still avoid me to avoid drama…sort of like how  try to avoid the lot of them to avoid conflict, too, and she said that the kids seeing us always fighting and in conflict is harmful to their development, etc… but in all reality though what family doesn’t argue, fight, have conflict, or discord though? No one is perfect, and everyone is dysfunctional in one way or another,and we all have issues and conflicts,and skeletons in our closet; it’s just human relationships,it’s just life.

The therapist also asked if we’re communicating any better with eachother, but the truth is that we hardly even see eachother, let alone talk to eachother; we just try to stay out of eachother’s way,and we each have our own separate lives and separate interests, and other than regarding the kids, rarely intersect. We’re sort of like room-mates that share living quarters but maintain our own separate spaces and lives and come and go separately and rarely inter-act or cross paths. I also try to use humour and joke around to try and relate to, connect with, and break down barriers with my kids but all they ever do is tell me to shut up, go away, or that I’m not funny,and my hubby rolls his eyes or face-palms in a dismissive way every time I try as well, and I pray that one day…one day….someone will come into my life that likes and appreciates my twisted sense of humour and finds it endearing….because it’s a part of me…..and will find it wildly entertaining, or at least half-way funny and amusing, or in any case at least not always be annoyed and put-off by it and insult it….

My abdomenal pain is also increasingly getting worse: now I’m having it constantly all day and the pain is generalized in the entire abdomenal region below my belly-button but is worse on the right side….I wonder what it is? My guess would be either kidney or liver failure, appendix, or some sort of tumour/ cancer lurking somewhere…..I see the internal medicine specialist this week though so we’ll see what he has to say…. a friend told me not to wait and to go to the ER but I only go if it gets so bad that I can’t stand up; then I know it’s something serious….there has to be something causing it though…..as well as my drastic 50 pound weight loss, persistant cough, extreme fatigue, seizures, fluid retention, etc… it’s a real mystery….

End Of Summer.

Screen Shot 08-28-17 at 10.29 AM Finally! Our pool water is now finally nice and blue at long last, but it took all summer, and we really were only able to swim in July when it was hot and haven’t used the pool at all this month as it was either too cold or raining(we’ve had waaay too much rain this summer!!)…..and now it gets closed up for winter just after Labour Day, so we didn’t really get much use out of it this summer but at least it doesn’t look (or smell!) like a green swamp anymore! I can’t believe summer’s almost over,either, and I also refuse to accept it. I am greedily holding on to these last days of summer as desperately as I can, squeezing every last little bit I can out of them, although if I’m lucky and the weather holds out ( although it is cooling down already, 9 C in the mornings now but still gets up to 23 C later) I can still be outside until the end of October….

How do I know it’s the end of summer? Leaves are already starting to change colour on the trees and fall off, it’s getting cooler, it’s dark now at 6 am in the morning and it used to be sunny and now it gets dark earlier at night(between 8pm and 8:30) when it used to be light until 9 pm. Plus, the Ex ends on Labour Day which is next week and I didn’t even realize at first( and all the schools here go back the day after Labour Day) and I kept hearing on the radio about the upcoming long weekend this weekend and I couldn’t figure out which holiday it was….and then it occurred to me: Oh, my God! It’s Labour Day already? So soon It’s not fair that summer only lasts a couple of months but winter is half the year. For our school this year we’ll have another one leaving for school, so that’ll be two of them in post-secondary, and for our homeschooling year this year the 14 YR old starts grade 9 (highschool!) the 16 YR old grade 11 and the 10 YR old grade 8 because he’s a little genius and skipped a few grades. He got new glasses too and now not only is he a little genius now he even looks like one,too! I still can’t find any of the kids’ social studies, science, or bible workbooks either so I’m convinced that they  either hid them all at the end of last year or threw them out because I looked everywhere and can’t find them anywhere…

As well, I heard the 18 YR old’s former friend, the one I called Klepto because she stole from us, is now 6 months pregnant and she’s only 17 and she had an abortion a couple of years ago too and for the sole reason: because she didn’t know who the father was. So she basically killed her baby just because she’s a big slut. She let this one live at least because she knows who the father is and she dropped out of highschool a couple of years ago as well. I can’t say that I’m surprised or didn’t see it coming. Our black walnut tree has also been marked for death by the hydro crews; they came by and spray painted it indicating they will be cutting it down as it gets in the way of the power lines so the poor tree won’t be allowed to blossom,afterall….

I also had a dream that someone named Elias taught me to love, but I don’t know who he is or where I’ll end up meeting him; here or on the other side, and I had another dream too our oldest has a girlfriend he’s going to ask to marry him…..but I also had a dream that I’m going to die today,too, so….you never know…. The 22 YR old needs a haircut as well but ever since he got a 200$ haircut in California he won’t let me cut his hair anymore like I used to(it’s like I’m a lowly peasant now that isn’t good enough to cut his precious locks) but there’s nowhere here to get a 200$ haircut,and even if there was we still can’t afford it,anyway. A 12$ cut at First Choice Haircutters is all he’s going to get if he doesn’t want me to do it….The 14 YR old’s also on sewing her third cosplay costume for Fan Expo as she’s such a perfectionist she kept finding faults with the other 2 she made and kept starting over, distorted thinking seeing flaws where there really were none, too hard on herself, and they go in 3 days….she’s just like my hubby, so picky….

Also: the most impossible thing to try to do after you’ve had weed is trying to swat a wasp! It’s hard enough anyway as it is normally esp. since they fly in a zig-zag pattern and you swing with the fly-swatter and usually miss, but after weed your perception, spatial awareness, co-ordination and reflexes aren’t so good and you’re left swinging away wildly almost always in the opposite direction of where the wasp actually is and you look like a crazed conductor conducting an orchestra, and several people are speculating the extreme flooding in Texas may be somehow “connected” to the recent solar eclipse and  have Biblical significance in regards to Armageddon, the Apocalypse, Judgement Day, Jesus’ return, the end of the world, doomsday, whatever you want to call it, a sign of the Last Days and End Times, esp. with the Bible warning of unusual , severe, and increasing weather patterns and natural disasters in that period, fulfilling the prophecy…..it does make you wonder though, but what did poor Texas do to “deserve” it; what have they ever done in particular to be singled-out for such a chastisement? Or does it maybe just start with them? Perhaps this is only the beginning?

I can see USA as a whole being punished(along with many other countries for their sins against God, incl. this one), but what is it about Texas in particular; what’s the significance of that? They’re no worse than anyone else. Is it just that it’s their largest state?( or at least I think it is….don’t they say everything’s bigger in Texas?….) My friend in Houston said she was allowed to go back to her house to get a few things and everything’s all underwater and the smell is just awful from the fetid dirty water  I imagine must reek like sewage, and they lost everything,(water is very destructive and then there’s the mold,too) and she was most upset losing her make-up and not being able to initially grab her grandmother’s ashes, those poor people, yet another friend in Fort Worth said despite the heavy rain she was still showing clients around ( she’s a realestate agent) so I guess they weren’t too hard hit in her area. Why let a little thing like a hurricane stop you?

The Lunch.

Screen Shot 05-04-17 at 01.49 PM My mother and I went to the Italian restaurant ( the best restaurant in town, but also expensive, so we only go 1-2 times a YR, on special occasions) for our early Mother’s Day lunch. She had the chicken parmigiana and I had a pasta with chicken, mushrooms, melted cheese, and a cream sauce, only I didn’t know it was cream ahead of time( and so was the decadent chocolate mousse cake we shared for dessert) so I never thought ahead and brought my lactose pills….so I know 8 HRS or so later I’m going to pay for it with cramps and diarrhrea…..but it was worth it, the food was soooo good! When it came time to pay the bill, however, my mother realized, much to her horror, that she’d left her credit card at home, and she didn’t have enough $$$$, and lately I purposely leave my purse at home so I’m not tempted to spend $$$ ….so we ended up having to call my hubby to come and bring us $$$$ so we could pay the bill and not have to wash dishes! Talk about embarrassing!

As well, we visited the 13 YR old again, who said she had a good day; she saw the doctor, had group therapy, and did half of the psychological/ IQ test, the language part, which took up most of the day, incl. writing a big essay,and they said she did really well,and that she has good punctuation, which reflects well on our homeschooling, which shows that doctor right that’s so hostile to our homeschooling! It was also nice when we arrived to see her sitting at the table playing a game and socializing with other patients, incl. another girl her age and a 10 YR old boy who’s in there because he tried to kill someone! She’s awkward socially and has trouble making friends( like I do) so it was nice to see, but maybe it’s easier with other damaged, broken people just like her?

I also remember a dream I had awhile ago that I might die 5 May, which is today, so it will be interesting to see if I really will, and each trauma that I’ve had to endure, each time my kids destroy me, each time my life broke me, has chipped away a piece of me bit by bit until I’ve been stripped down to nothing and now there’s nothing left of me anymore,and every time we make the long drives to Kingston and back I half-hope we get into a car crash and I end up killed, blessed relief from the non-stop crisis of my life and from the constant stress that never seems to end.

I also asked the 13 YR old if she wants to come home and she shrugged with a half-hearted grunt, like she wasn’t sure, yet when I asked her if she wanted to live in a foster home  she was horrifed and gasped, “No! Why would I ever want to live there?” and I explained to her that those are the only 2 options; she’s almost 14 YRS old( in a few days) and she either lives at home or in foster care; there’s nowhere else she can live right now, and we just want her to be happy, to get well, and to do whatever she needs to do to get better, and to make her life better and are willing to make whatever changes she feels she needs to be happy and to get well.

 

First Night And Day.

Screen Shot 05-03-17 at 08.10 AM The  13 YR old had her first night and day at the hospital and she’s doing ok but they’re not supervising her meals or making sure she gets her snacks as needed for her re-feeding program for her eating disorder like they’re supposed to be and she was complaining that the pillows “feel like balloons” and the toilet paper is only 1 ply, and someone carved the words die onto the bathroom wall.With our family I joke too we should get a family discount at the psych ward! We had a group meeting as well with her and the medical team, incl. the doctor in charge, and she gave me an uneasy feeling and just sort of rubbed me the wrong way, mainly because she was hostile to our homeschooling and implied that the 13 YR old’s  issues, unhappiness, and being suicidal is our fault, based on the fact that she didn’t want to discuss it with my hubby and I there, even though she’s just a private, introverted, reserved person that doesn’t easily open up personal, private matters to people. She’s also giving her a kind of IQ test to see how she’s doing academically and to see if she has any learning disabilities simply because she’s homeschooled(which we took offence to and found insulting) and said it’s not routine procedure, but at least she said she is open to medication(depending on how the assessment goes) although she also said if she’s below a certain weight medications wouldn’t work. We’re going to visit her every day she’s in there which is to be expected to be about a few days but it’s already been a couple of very emotionally and physically exhausting days..

I also found a stash of pills hidden in her room, and my hubby had the nerve to say that we can send the 13 YR old to public school if she “needs to socialize more” even though she said she doesn’t even want to go, and there are other ways and groups she can go to to socialize other than public school where she’ll be eaten alive and bullied(like I was) and it’ll only make things even worse; it’ll be like throwing her to the wolves as they can sense anyone who’s different, fragile, weak, or vulnerable in any way and they pounce on them and tear them apart; she’s way too vulnerable to survive the hostile social environment of public school and I told him he might as well just hand her the noose to hang herself, it would be the same thing! The he had the nerve to say I don’t know what I’m talking about……ummmmm,excuse me? I was the one that was bullied mercilessly for years in school and that’s what caused my depression and self-esteem issues in the first place! I know exactly what it’s like to be different and to try and survive in that world and it’s only gotten worse since then, with bullying and violence in schools, not better! He can be such an asshole!

I’m barely holding on myself with all the stress as well and yet I’m still expected to stay strong for her and everyone else and it puts an unfair amount of pressure on me because I’m only human,too, and can only take so much before I break, and the eating disorder and self-injury was hard enough but now with the suicide attempts and more plans for suicide this is just too much and I’m at my breaking point now and don’t know how long I can go on before  crash and burn,and already I can feel the effects; I have diarrhrea and I’m not sleeping well and I feel like I’m always walking around in a “fog” and like I’m on auto-pilot…how much more can I possibly take? I’m a wreck but all I have to do is make sure I get up one more time than I get knocked down….

Not A Loser.

Screen Shot 04-12-17 at 07.36 PM Guess who’s not such a loser?(not that we ever thought that she was!) the 17 YR old announced as she triumphantly breezed into the room….she was accepted into the hard-to-get-in to writing course in Ottawa, the one she had to write the essays for the exam at University Of Ottawa! They said it would take 2 weeks to find out but they contacted her in just a week and said she’s been accepted; this is the one where she got 92 % and 95 % on her exams! Eeeeee! She’s just beyond thrilled, esp. after all the other universities had rejected her and she would have been feeling really down and discouraged, but this was the one that really mattered, that she most wanted, the writing/ journalism program, but that was also the hardest to get in to….but she did it! God had allowed all the other rejections first because this was the one she was meant for and that was waiting for her. She starts in the fall and will be moving back to Ottawa , and living there again, where she was born and lived until she was about 4.CONGRATS!

As well, my mother didn’t want me to have any of the chicken strips she’d picked up fresh at the grocery and said they’re for the people that don’t like subs, but I told her,  help pay for the groceries so I’m having chicken strips!  I picked up 2 pieces and left….and that was that. After I’d had my weed I also couldn’t remember whether or not I’d eaten my dinner yet and I was trying to figure out if I had but I deduced that I wasn’t hungry so either I had already eaten or either that or else I wasn’t hungry and in either case I didn’t need to eat either way. Weed is funny that way.When I’m high it sometimes reminds me of Mr. Bean!

I also experienced the definition of utter disppointment: I got The Munchies after my weed and I got this intense craving for a certain kind of ice cream and I knew we had it in the freezer so I eagerly anticipated it and went to grab some….but someone had eaten it and it was all gone and not there anymore…words couldn’t even begin to describe how….crestfallen I felt at that moment. It was truly a sad, tragic, and pathetic sight to behold.

The girls also somehow convinced the 10 YR old that if he uses the pink Wii U remote that he will “turn” gay and he refuses to use it, even when all the other controllers were missing with only that one left, and he wails, It’s for girls and I don’t want to turn gay! I told him that was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard and that it doesn’t work that way but he wasn’t having any of it and acted like it had cooties or something! I also heard someone said they love being prego as they love the connection and you never feel alone and that summed it up perfectly for me,too,I love being prego,too, and that’s what it’s always been about for me; wanting that connection, wanting to be loved,wanting to feel close to someone, a bond, not wanting to feel so alone….. that’s why I’m so grateful for my dog. He’s given me love and companionship like no other and no one else ever has ♥