The Lunch.

Screen Shot 05-04-17 at 01.49 PM My mother and I went to the Italian restaurant ( the best restaurant in town, but also expensive, so we only go 1-2 times a YR, on special occasions) for our early Mother’s Day lunch. She had the chicken parmigiana and I had a pasta with chicken, mushrooms, melted cheese, and a cream sauce, only I didn’t know it was cream ahead of time( and so was the decadent chocolate mousse cake we shared for dessert) so I never thought ahead and brought my lactose pills….so I know 8 HRS or so later I’m going to pay for it with cramps and diarrhrea…..but it was worth it, the food was soooo good! When it came time to pay the bill, however, my mother realized, much to her horror, that she’d left her credit card at home, and she didn’t have enough $$$$, and lately I purposely leave my purse at home so I’m not tempted to spend $$$ ….so we ended up having to call my hubby to come and bring us $$$$ so we could pay the bill and not have to wash dishes! Talk about embarrassing!

As well, we visited the 13 YR old again, who said she had a good day; she saw the doctor, had group therapy, and did half of the psychological/ IQ test, the language part, which took up most of the day, incl. writing a big essay,and they said she did really well,and that she has good punctuation, which reflects well on our homeschooling, which shows that doctor right that’s so hostile to our homeschooling! It was also nice when we arrived to see her sitting at the table playing a game and socializing with other patients, incl. another girl her age and a 10 YR old boy who’s in there because he tried to kill someone! She’s awkward socially and has trouble making friends( like I do) so it was nice to see, but maybe it’s easier with other damaged, broken people just like her?

I also remember a dream I had awhile ago that I might die 5 May, which is today, so it will be interesting to see if I really will, and each trauma that I’ve had to endure, each time my kids destroy me, each time my life broke me, has chipped away a piece of me bit by bit until I’ve been stripped down to nothing and now there’s nothing left of me anymore,and every time we make the long drives to Kingston and back I half-hope we get into a car crash and I end up killed, blessed relief from the non-stop crisis of my life and from the constant stress that never seems to end.

I also asked the 13 YR old if she wants to come home and she shrugged with a half-hearted grunt, like she wasn’t sure, yet when I asked her if she wanted to live in a foster home  she was horrifed and gasped, “No! Why would I ever want to live there?” and I explained to her that those are the only 2 options; she’s almost 14 YRS old( in a few days) and she either lives at home or in foster care; there’s nowhere else she can live right now, and we just want her to be happy, to get well, and to do whatever she needs to do to get better, and to make her life better and are willing to make whatever changes she feels she needs to be happy and to get well.

 

First Night And Day.

Screen Shot 05-03-17 at 08.10 AM The  13 YR old had her first night and day at the hospital and she’s doing ok but they’re not supervising her meals or making sure she gets her snacks as needed for her re-feeding program for her eating disorder like they’re supposed to be and she was complaining that the pillows “feel like balloons” and the toilet paper is only 1 ply, and someone carved the words die onto the bathroom wall.With our family I joke too we should get a family discount at the psych ward! We had a group meeting as well with her and the medical team, incl. the doctor in charge, and she gave me an uneasy feeling and just sort of rubbed me the wrong way, mainly because she was hostile to our homeschooling and implied that the 13 YR old’s  issues, unhappiness, and being suicidal is our fault, based on the fact that she didn’t want to discuss it with my hubby and I there, even though she’s just a private, introverted, reserved person that doesn’t easily open up personal, private matters to people. She’s also giving her a kind of IQ test to see how she’s doing academically and to see if she has any learning disabilities simply because she’s homeschooled(which we took offence to and found insulting) and said it’s not routine procedure, but at least she said she is open to medication(depending on how the assessment goes) although she also said if she’s below a certain weight medications wouldn’t work. We’re going to visit her every day she’s in there which is to be expected to be about a few days but it’s already been a couple of very emotionally and physically exhausting days..

I also found a stash of pills hidden in her room, and my hubby had the nerve to say that we can send the 13 YR old to public school if she “needs to socialize more” even though she said she doesn’t even want to go, and there are other ways and groups she can go to to socialize other than public school where she’ll be eaten alive and bullied(like I was) and it’ll only make things even worse; it’ll be like throwing her to the wolves as they can sense anyone who’s different, fragile, weak, or vulnerable in any way and they pounce on them and tear them apart; she’s way too vulnerable to survive the hostile social environment of public school and I told him he might as well just hand her the noose to hang herself, it would be the same thing! The he had the nerve to say I don’t know what I’m talking about……ummmmm,excuse me? I was the one that was bullied mercilessly for years in school and that’s what caused my depression and self-esteem issues in the first place! I know exactly what it’s like to be different and to try and survive in that world and it’s only gotten worse since then, with bullying and violence in schools, not better! He can be such an asshole!

I’m barely holding on myself with all the stress as well and yet I’m still expected to stay strong for her and everyone else and it puts an unfair amount of pressure on me because I’m only human,too, and can only take so much before I break, and the eating disorder and self-injury was hard enough but now with the suicide attempts and more plans for suicide this is just too much and I’m at my breaking point now and don’t know how long I can go on before  crash and burn,and already I can feel the effects; I have diarrhrea and I’m not sleeping well and I feel like I’m always walking around in a “fog” and like I’m on auto-pilot…how much more can I possibly take? I’m a wreck but all I have to do is make sure I get up one more time than I get knocked down….

Not A Loser.

Screen Shot 04-12-17 at 07.36 PM Guess who’s not such a loser?(not that we ever thought that she was!) the 17 YR old announced as she triumphantly breezed into the room….she was accepted into the hard-to-get-in to writing course in Ottawa, the one she had to write the essays for the exam at University Of Ottawa! They said it would take 2 weeks to find out but they contacted her in just a week and said she’s been accepted; this is the one where she got 92 % and 95 % on her exams! Eeeeee! She’s just beyond thrilled, esp. after all the other universities had rejected her and she would have been feeling really down and discouraged, but this was the one that really mattered, that she most wanted, the writing/ journalism program, but that was also the hardest to get in to….but she did it! God had allowed all the other rejections first because this was the one she was meant for and that was waiting for her. She starts in the fall and will be moving back to Ottawa , and living there again, where she was born and lived until she was about 4.CONGRATS!

As well, my mother didn’t want me to have any of the chicken strips she’d picked up fresh at the grocery and said they’re for the people that don’t like subs, but I told her,  help pay for the groceries so I’m having chicken strips!  I picked up 2 pieces and left….and that was that. After I’d had my weed I also couldn’t remember whether or not I’d eaten my dinner yet and I was trying to figure out if I had but I deduced that I wasn’t hungry so either I had already eaten or either that or else I wasn’t hungry and in either case I didn’t need to eat either way. Weed is funny that way.When I’m high it sometimes reminds me of Mr. Bean!

I also experienced the definition of utter disppointment: I got The Munchies after my weed and I got this intense craving for a certain kind of ice cream and I knew we had it in the freezer so I eagerly anticipated it and went to grab some….but someone had eaten it and it was all gone and not there anymore…words couldn’t even begin to describe how….crestfallen I felt at that moment. It was truly a sad, tragic, and pathetic sight to behold.

The girls also somehow convinced the 10 YR old that if he uses the pink Wii U remote that he will “turn” gay and he refuses to use it, even when all the other controllers were missing with only that one left, and he wails, It’s for girls and I don’t want to turn gay! I told him that was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard and that it doesn’t work that way but he wasn’t having any of it and acted like it had cooties or something! I also heard someone said they love being prego as they love the connection and you never feel alone and that summed it up perfectly for me,too,I love being prego,too, and that’s what it’s always been about for me; wanting that connection, wanting to be loved,wanting to feel close to someone, a bond, not wanting to feel so alone….. that’s why I’m so grateful for my dog. He’s given me love and companionship like no other and no one else ever has ♥

Brian.

Screen Shot 03-22-17 at 08.00 AM The 9 YR old( who turns 10 tomorrow) and I have this ongoing joke when he does his math for his school work: we call his brain Brian( I got the idea from dumb kids in school that would spell Brian as “brain” and from this Pinky and the Brain episode where Brain went on this game show and they spelled his name as Brian) and we joke, It’s time to torture Brian now! or on weekends, holidays,and during the summer, Brian has a day off. It’s funny and he seems to get such a kick out of it. I also got this what I assume must be a spider bite on my finger and it was really itchy and swelled up really bad and went all red and then even white from the pressure of getting so big and swollen and it started to spread so I took a Benadryl for the allergy and it worked but it also knocked me right out and I had to have a nap! That stuff always makes me sooooo tired!

I’m not sleeping well lately either I’m under so much stress and have so much anxiety and worry, particularly about the 13 YR old and her eating disorder, and last night, for example, is a typical night: I lay awake in bed for 2-3 HRS before I can fall asleep and then I sleep for about 3 HRS and then I wake up again and stay awake for 1-2 HRS and go back to sleep and then keep waking up, and I always feel like I’m going to faint and my stomach feels so raw and nauseated, I don’t know if it’s from constant stress exhaustion, or being sleep-deprived, or due to some medical cause, or maybe even a combination? I always feel like shit.

As for the 13 YR old, when she was out I did a “sweep” of her room, looking for anything sharp that she can use to cut herself, so I can remove it, and I found a screwdriver, 2 pairs of scissors, a nailclipper with a sharp file on it….and big sharp jagged chunks of broken glass and some kind of big metal sharp needle thing I have no idea what it is, perhaps for some sort of needlepoint craft or something,and also found several tissues soaked with blood,which broke my heart, so I removed them, and it’s hard trying to get her to eat,too( they call re-feed) and sometimes she just won’t, she just closes her mouth and refuses, saying that she can’t,and that it’s “not that easy”, and my mother said to take away her iPod every time she refuses to eat but I won’t because she’s sick; it’s a disease and she can’t help it (that’s why she needs us to help her, because she can’t do it on her own) it would be like punishing someone who has cancer!  The 15 YR old complained too about us having to constantly supervise her to make sure she’s not barfing up her food or hurting herself and said she should just be responsible herself, except they told us at the clinic that it’s up to us; that we have to monitor her constantly because she can’t be trusted and we have to keep her safe from herself.

Screen Shot 03-23-17 at 04.40 PM I also love this painting Sunlight and Shadow, painted in 1888 by Willard Metcalf. I still haven’t gotten my EEG results yet; no one has called me, and it’s been over a WK and they said I should have heard back in about 5 days, so I wonder if it was so complicated, so bizarre, that it’s taking them longer to try and interpret it and figure it out, or maybe everything’s ok and they were only going to call if they found something? Our vending machines aren’t doing so well either; out of 15 we were only able to place 4 of them so far,and that was even with hiring out recruiters to scout out and find locations for us, so it looks like yet another one of my hubby’s hare-brained ideas that was supposed to make $$$$ but instead ended up costing $$$$$, and another thing NOT to do when high on weed: trying to type in your computer password, esp. when it’s in another language and you forget how to properly spell it. It becomes such a monumental task and you only get a few tries, and when your mind is all muddled and your thinking is cloudy and you’re out of focus it becomes quite impossible…..  😀

First Session.

Screen Shot 03-22-17 at 08.00 AM 001 The 13 YR old had her first session at the eating disorders clinic. The last time was just an assessment. My hubby and I go too as therapy is a family involvement thing with both her and the parents. The app’t was long, 2 1/2 HRS and it’s going to be like that all the time, every week! We go weekly for roughly 10 weeks,and then tapered off to every 2 weeks, and then monthly,and it could be for a YR, 18 months, or even longer, and may be delayed if she has to be hospitalized, tube-fed, or whatever. There are 5 specialists on the team that will be working with us, incl. a nurse-practitioner, nutritionist, social worker, behaviour therapist,and someone else I forgot.

They each talked to us and she got a physical exam and got her vitals checked and will at each session, and they noticed she has more cuts of self-injury,too, and now also on her legs and belly now,too as well as on her arms, so it’s escalating. They explained the seriousness of it saying that of all the mental illnesses, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate and we have to work with her and monitor and supervise her, not only to make sure that she eats but that she isn’t throwing it up and isn’t self-harming. We also have to hide all the razors, laxatives and all other medications,and she’s to keep a strict and regimented meal schedule and document a food diary each day of her intake. They noticed her lack of hygeine as well, body odour, unwashed greasy hair,grungy teeth, which I have struggled forever to try to get her to have a shower, wash her hair, etc. but she’s apathetic and just doesn’t care, they said now I have to do it for it since she’s not able to take care of herself anymore; I have to take over bathing her, washing her hair, brushing her teeth….it’s like she’s a baby all over again!

They also said it’s only a 50% cure-rate and when they asked her what she wants her ideal weight to be she said 60-70 pounds! I just lost it and cried, and gasped, You’d be dead! and they agreed with me and it just broke my heart. Even the almost-10 YR old weighs more than that and she’s like 5 1/2 feet tall and should weigh over 100 pounds! I just thought all along with her being so sullen, moody,pushing me away, and withdrawn that it was just the usual teen angst; I never knew she was struggling like this and starving and hurting herself. At least they’d know by looking at me with my big fat hippo ass that she didn’t get her eating disorder from me; it’s very obvious that I don’t starve myself, and my hubby made a deal with her once she eats properly, gains weight, gets to the proper weight and health and stops hurting herself he’ll get her the rose-gold Mac Book computer she wants as a “reward”, and it’ll also act as a motivation to get well and a goal to strive for.

As well, in the morning as I was trying to clean my toothbrush there was no water pressure and then no water at all and I wonder if the cold ( wind-chill of -20C) froze our pipes or they burst or something but then later heard on the radio a water main pipe in town had broken and that was why and it affected the entire town, not just us, which was a relief as we can’t afford the expense of a plumber, but now the water’s back but they say the water’s all contaminated and it won’t be fixed for 2 more days, but we don’t drink disgusting tap water anyway; you might as well drink out of the toilet; it all comes from the same place: the sewer!

The 17 YR old got rejected from yet another school ( the third so far) she applied to as well, their excuse was because her homeschool curriculum is American, which is a load of shit because they do accept international students, incl. American ones, who don’t have the same educational system or credits as here,and it seems now there’s starting to be a discrimination and crackdown on homeschoolers as the older kids never had any problems getting admitted into universities….now I’m starting to get worried; what if no one accepts her? I know when one door closes, another opens….but what if she’s like me in my life and no door opens and every door is always closed?

My hubby also made a snide remark when I mentioned about how I’m looking forward to  Heaven,” Like you’re going to get to Heaven!”  and it crushed me. My faith and relationship with God is the most important thing in my life and to have it questioned, attacked, and doubted like that was very hurtful. So, what, does he think that because I use weed I won’t get to Heaven? God happened to make the cannabis plant, so it must be for our use, I think for medicine, so it wouldn’t be a sin to use something He created. It’s just a plant,and besides, there are alot worse things that I could do,and I still have a strong faith and I love God and I care about and pray for people…..in any case, that’s between me and God and it’s up to God to judge,and what can he say,anyway? He doesn’t even go to church,and he mocks religion and scoffs at God…who is he to judge?

The Last Day

Screen Shot 03-10-17 at 08.32 AM As well as my frequent recurring dream that I move back to my old Toronto house I now also have a newer recurring dream as well as that one: that I’m at school and it’s my last day of high school before I graduate and I say to myself as one last thing I have to do, “I have to clean out my locker! I don’t want all my shit to get thrown out!” and then as I leave the school for the very last time I think, with glee, I’m free! I never have to go back ever again!  along with the free, unfettered feeling of total and utter freedom, of being unburdened, of having a huge weight being lifted off, of having shackles removed, like being released from prison. Even all these YRS later I still remember that glorious feeling of freedom and release.

I wonder if the dream represents me dying soon, and that My Last Day is coming very soon, my Last Day alive, my Last Day here on Earth, as I’m going to die soon, and in that I will soon be free, and will never have to go back here ever again, and live in a place I hate and with people that hate me and abuse me, and I will be in a place where I will feel at home, feel welcomed, loved, accepted, like I belong, and where I will be happy. Perhaps the last day of school is a metaphor for my last day before I die,and soon I will be free?  Also, I think the part about cleaning out my locker may represent getting my life and affairs in order before I die.

As well, March Break starts next week and we take a week off school and the 17 YR old’s also going to Virginia for the week with Cadets,and the 22 YR old’s going to California for 2 months in the summer,too, to visit his GF and originally he wasn’t even going to tell me,either; my hubby planned to just drop him off at the airport one day and not say anything and see how long it would take for me to notice that he was gone! The 2 things that bring me the most happiness in life as well are my dog and weed.

 

The Ring.

screen-shot-02-03-17-at-10-33-am-002 My Charmed Aroma candle arrived! They’d said it would take 6 weeks but it came just 2 or 3 days after I’d ordered it!  It burned for around 6 HRS before the foil where the ring was wrapped up in was visible but it took so long to finally get down to that point I was even beginning to wonder if there really even was a ring in there or if maybe they’d forgotten to put it in! It was there though( and the candle smells sooooo good, like coconut!) and this is the ring, pictured here. Isn’t it just so pretty? I love it! There was a code on it so I went online and it was appraised at 90$!

screen-shot-02-03-17-at-12-11-pm I had to drain the wax run-off into another container because as it melted it kept snuffing out the flame on the wick so I put it in here and then I got bored so I got creative and decided to liven it up a bit and “engrave” it.

Ha.

I also made a new Miitomo character: Mr. Hippo. It’s sort of a person, only he’s also a hippo. It’s kind of hard to explain but he has basically a human body with a hippo head. I tried to make his skin colour either grey or purple but I wasn’t able to get it that colour so I improvised and dressed him in all grey instead but I fiddled with the nose and eyebrows and was able to give him a semblance of a hippo’s ears and nostrils.

Screen Shot 02-03-17 at 06.43 PM 001.PNG This is also an x-ray of a friend in USA’s teen son’s shoulder, broken in a few places! He got it from wrestling, only the real kind that you do on a mat, not the fake stuff you see on TV. He has surgery to fix it on Monday. When I saw this all I could think of was, “Oh, wow! Holy shit! That must hurt” I can only imagine how it must feel! Poor kid! The 17 YR old and her friends also drove up to Toronto and shopped at the Eaton Centre mall ( it was my Second Home when I lived there) and then just 2 days later she took the train in for an interview for Cadets for summer camp in Europe. It’s more difficult since she’s homeschooled…..but she did really well and they were really impressed…..and they told her that she tied for the highest score! Yay!! Now she waits to hear back about a follow-up…..oooh, I hope so!