Floating.

Screenshot_53 My mother’s pain is back again and so she took 2 of the 500 mg of Tylenol and then she said to me, I think I’m high! She said she feels all floaty and like I’m floating but that she didn’t like it at all as she doesn’t like not being in control. Boy, is that sure the truth; she always wants to be and has to be in control of everything and everyone; herself, her environment, other people, everything. I told her if she’s lucky she might even leave her body and to just let it go and to go with it; that it’s a nice peaceful, freeing, relaxing, liberating feeling and relieves you of stress and anxiety, to just allow it, to float along , relax, and enjoy the ride, but she didn’t and she fought against it not wanting to get “lost” in it, not wanting to “surrender” to it, not wanting to be free and just see where it takes her.I also think she was scared; maybe scared that she’d float off and never come back? She’s never really been one for adventure or the unknown,either. That’s too bad though, she really could have had quite the experience, quite the “trip.”

As well, my allergies have been so bad lately this year has been one of the worst ever and I have to take allergy meds pretty much every day this summer but it’s so bad this year that even taking Reactine still doesn’t clear up my itchy eyes, sneezing, runny nose, etc. and I then have to take a Benadryl as well and sometimes also a Dayquil and even then most times the symptoms still remain, which is very frustrating and annoying, esp. when I’m trying to sleep!Yesterday was National Spoil You Dog Day as well but I spoil my dog every day. I love my boy and I let him know it and show it every day.

As I was coming back from one of Buddy’s walks I also saw someone coming down the street and I don’t see too well but oh, my God did it ever look like Patti and then I heard her shrill voice call out my name….holy shit…. I had to quickly haul ass and drag Buddy inside the house quickly and close and lock up the door behind me as I could hear her calling me louder and louder….then I hunkered down inside waiting for her to bang on the door but she never did, thankfully, so I guess she got the message. I was hoping she would just think that I didn’t hear her, but I guess it was too obvious based on how loud she was calling me and how I quickly hurried inside. That was a close one!

I feel badly scurrying off and  hiding on her like that, but she’s the one who betrayed and used and then dumped and blocked me; she’s the false friend and I have nothing to say to her and don’t need people like that. I can no longer trust her and now there’s also the worry what if she tries to take Buddy back or reports us to the school authorities or something over our homeschooling just to get me back? She’s the type that would too, and has often reported various neighbours for frivolous things to authorities, such as noise infractions, or messy yards,uncut grass, unkempt yards, tresspassing, fence heights, property lines, etc.She’s the stereotypical nosey neighbour that can’t mind her own business and always reports everyone.

Back To School ALREADY?

Screenshot_51 We still have this month left of summer and already I’m hearing ads on the radio and seeing commercials on TV and flyers in the mail advertising for Back To School items! It’s so annoying! Stop rushing it!! We still have the rest of this month left of summer and I hate it how they’re rushing it, like trying to speed up to fall already,and the stores already have their fall clothing, decor,and supplies out as well. In fact, when I went to get ant traps I couldn’t even find any anymore as they’re in the seasonal department with all the other summer stuff alongside BBQ stuff, suntanning items, bug spray and repellent,pool, garden and patio items, etc. and they were all gone and the shelves were now replaced with fall items already.Unfortunately, the ants in our house don’t play by retailer’s “seasonal” rules. They’re here in summer, which it still is,and didn’t decide to pack up and leave early because the stores decided to put away all their summer stuff early and get the fall stuff out. So now we still have the ants but no ant traps.

It’s bad enough we’re at the last month of summer, so don’t rush it. We’re not ready for summer to end yet, so don’t hurry it along. We still have the rest of this month to enjoy and we want to squeeze as much left out of it as we possibly can. We’re not ready for fall to come yet and it’s not time yet. Let us still enjoy what we still have left of summer, ok? It’s short enough as it is, so don’t go hurrying it along, or reminding us what little time we actually have left. Let us just enjoy these last few weeks and shut up about back To School already! It will come soon enough!

As well, I badly burned the inside of my mouth with a home-made oatmeal and chocolate chip  cookie fresh and hot  from the oven the girls made, and it’s so bad too I can feel some skin burned off and even hours later it still hurts,and my mother’s back pain is back again,too, and she’s still just as demanding as always: when the 15 YR old cleaned the bathrooms( one of her assigned chores for allowance) she did do a good job but still not good enough for my mother, who always has such unrealitically high expectations no one can ever possibly meet them and she kept criticizing her saying, Did you look behind the door? What about this? You forgot to do that! You call this clean? Did you even do the sink? etc. and so on, and I reminded her if she doesn’t like the way someone else does it than she should just do it herself then or else not complain and she got all snarky and my hubby accused me of trying to start drama, but I’m just saying. She’s always been like that. I should know. I grew up with it. No matter what I did it was never good enough for her, either. No matter how hard I tried there was always something she’d criticize, something that I did wrong, that wasn’t acceptable, that didn’t meet her standards, that wasn’t good enough. That’s just the way she is. She’ll never change. There’s just some people that you can never please and that will always complain and be critical, no matter what.

She also came back from grocery shopping saying that the store didn’t have certain items on our list this week, namely the ones that the 23 YR old and I like, our faves. that we look forward to every week, and then later on in the day when he offered to walk up to the store if she gave him the $$$ and go look and see if they had them in then( maybe they just had a later delivery or something later in the day as she went in the morning) she wouldn’t, saying she didn’t have the $$$$ and when I said to just use the same $$$$ you would have used to buy it had it been there earlier she confessed and fessed up that she’d lied; that the store really did have our items; she just didn’t buy them because she didn’t want to spend the $$$. It figures though, the stuff  like( and the 23 YR old; the people she doesn’t like) Seriously, though, what the f*ck is wrong with this family? One thing I can’t stand are liars.

The Laugh.

Screenshot_1031 I haven’t had a good laugh for a long, long time, and so long I can’t even remember the last time I laughed so I prayed to God and asked Him to send me something that will really make me laugh and as always He delivered: I was watching the TV news and one of the reporters showed us these photos he’d doctored super-imposing his face on top of other people’s faces, making for funny photos, such as him at the Trump-Putin summit, him with Trump and the Queen, him horseback riding with Giselle Bundchen ,etc. it was really funny and I laughed so hard I laughed out loud, exactly the kind of thing I needed and was looking for. It never fails to amaze me how God cares so much for each and every one of us, that even the smallest,most insignificant things still matter to God if they are important to us and if we ask for them; all we have to do is ask. If it matters to us, it matters to God.

As well, the 11 YR old’s such a genius he’s memorized 35 digits of Pi (all I know is the 3.14) and he’s skipped several grades in school for years now and will be starting grade 9 (that’s highschool!) when school resumes in the fall! The pool guy was back again (he was here 4 hours) as well and seemed to have finally found the main leak: he dug a second hole underground and said that when the other pool guys either opened or closed the pool for the season when they took the “jet” out they punctured the wall and one of the lines somehow, his guess would be with a screwdriver or something trying to force it out, and so he fixed it, costing 350$ which is still way better than 950$.

So now we can run it and add the chemicals…..and hope it clears up and that we get to use it at least for the second-half of summer as we haven’t been able to so far and it’s been so HOT this month I would have been swimming every day! Today, for instance, with the humidity( feels 40 C) we’re under a severe thunderstorm warning, but hopefully at least it will cool it down. Both my mother and hubby say they won’t even be opening the pool next year if we’re still here but they always say that every year….they say it’s a waste of $$$$ just because they don’t swim and they don’t use it and it’s mainly me that does and as we all know anything for me isn’t worth it.

I wonder as well if maybe my pain might be a kidney infection or UTI as even though it started in the abdomen it’s now really bad in the lower back, both sides,and now I also noticed that my pee is really cloudy and foamy, signs of infection, and it has this really strong pungent odour that stinks like cat piss. Every now and then I still get the odd twinge shoot thru my abdomen as well but the worst now is my back.It’s always something; I don’t think I’m ever really pain-free.

Screenshot_1032 Also this because sunflowers make me happy.

Smile.

Screenshot_895 I never smile. I guess you could even say Resting Bitch Face is my normal every day look.  I learned to never smile growing up because of my ugly crooked teeth and my mother always reminding me to keep my mouth closed so people won’t see my teeth so that when I do smile to do it with my mouth closed, and then it got to a point with my life and nothing but so much heartache, trauma, abuse, crisis, stress,unhappiness, and misery that I had no reason to even smile anymore and now it’s been like forever since I last smiled, or had any reason to smile, and I pretty much have forgotten how it’s been so long. To me smiling would feel so unnatural, so forced, so fake, and the complete opposite to what I’m feeling on the inside.  I usually have either this stone-cold blank-ish expression on my face or a sad scowl. It’s hard to smile when your life’s always falling apart, when you’re always so unhappy, when you’re constantly lurching from one crisis to the next, barely able to hold your head above water, just trying to survive thru each day. I have to learn to smile again but I still have to cover my ugly teeth which would still give me an ugly smile anyway.

We also had the repairman come back, the idea being we run the dishwasher before he comes so he can actually see and smell the smoke for himself. I don’t think we should even be using it at all as I’m terrified it will catch fire, but my mother and hubby insist we do; that no one wants to hand-wash dishes otherwise. Of course it never did anything when he was here but when I told him how the smoke comes thru the back at the wall it was like something suddenly “clicked” in his head and then he dis-assembled it part way and saw underneath there was water and gunk and he said it’s an electrical problem, just as I had suspected and NOT to use it and to call an electrician. He didn’t say if it would have caught fire, but I think it was strongly implied by the way he insisted we NOT use it!! So, I was right but of course no one ever listens to me. They don’t think I know what I’m talking about but I’ve already been thru one electrical fire and I know what burning wires smell like! That’s something that I will never forget.

As well, yesterday was the absolute last day for all of the schools, even the last ones, so all the kids are off on summer vacation now. Some of them the last day was 3-4 days ago but the very latest last day for the very latest last day was yesterday. We finished our homeschooling last week.I also saw our neighbour L when we were out walking our dogs and she asked when we’ll be listing our house for sale and I told her our dilemma and she said it doesn’t make sense either to take out a mortgage again  now this house is already fully paid for and to live in an area beyond what we can afford, esp. when the idea originally was to down-size and to save $$$$, and she said when they first moved here for the first 5 years her husband commuted back and forth to work every day to Ottawa, which is even farther than Toronto(just in the other direction) a 3 HR drive each way,and then she said he eventually just got an apartment there and stayed there all week and came home on the weekends. She said she doesn’t want us to move, and I don’t,either, and not only do I not want to move and can’t really see myself moving, but sometimes I also get what can be best described as “bad vibes” about moving,too.

Poor Buddy also has this bump below his right eye underneath I hope is just an insect bite, like a wasp, mosquito, black fly, or spider, and NOT some sort of cancerous tumour or something…..shit….I worry just as much about him as I do about my kids! It’s just that I love that little guy soooooo much and I have so much to lose.He’s the light in my dark world and if anything ever happened to him I’d just be so desolate, so lost, so alone,and so devastated.

Confused.

confused The neighbours at the corner who recently sold their house moved out. The house is empty now and the 17 YR old said she saw 2 huge moving trucks late last night around 11 pm. That’s an odd time to be moving though; you’d think it would be during the day when they’d have daylight but maybe they don’t want everyone gawking at all their stuff, even though they don’t have crappy furniture or anything to even be embarrassed about. As for us moving, I’m confused now. Before I thought we were meant to move with my hubby getting his new job near Toronto but now the realestate agent came and assessed our house at roughly 100 K less than the minimum we’d have to pay for a house elsewhere now I’m beginning to wonder if maybe we’re not meant to move afterall; if maybe that’s a sign that we’re supposed to stay here, since we obviously can’t afford to live anywhere else….

My hubby would have to take out a new mortgage to cover the extra 100K and to me it just doesn’t make any sense and it feels like we’re going backwards, not progressing forwards since we already own this house outright; it’s completely paid for, no mortgage, so then to have to go thru the process all over again after already having owned a house just seems, well,….ridiculous, and I thought the idea of moving as well was to downsize, to save $$$$, not to have to spend 100K more, esp. when we don’t have it, and it’s not just to buy the new house but we also need extra $$$$ to be able to work with too for moving expenses, such as movers, legal and realestate fees, house inspector, etc. and then there’s also the worry: what if my hubby doesn’t even  get approved for the mortgage or he isn’t able to keep up the payments and we end up losing the house? Or, is this perhaps maybe God’s way of telling my hubby to step up and help out more financially since my mother and I pay most of the bills now?

His suggestion is to just look for something that’s 100 K cheaper except there’s nothing; they start in the range that’s still 100K more than what we’d be able to get for our house here and we’re not renting, or moving to an apartment or townhouse; we’re going to downsize but we’re NOT slumming it and won’t live in the ghetto! So now I’m just really confused and don’t know what we’re supposed to do and I pray for a sign from God what He wants us to do according to His plan. Is it best for us to move….or not? There are several possibilities, too, such as just my hubby moves closer to his work and the rest of us stay here and he just comes up on weekends(that’s the one I prefer, actually, it’s the easiest and least disruptive for everyone), or him and some of the kids move up there and my mother and I and some of the kids stay behind here, or him and all of the kids move elsewhere and my mother and I stay here,or they all move and I get a small place on my own(I’d love but I know I need help and can’t make it on my own) or we all move although I don’t know how we’re ever going to afford it and if maybe that’s God’s way of telling us we’re not supposed to move but stay here.

I also had this weird dream too that the realestate agent told us he found out our house has a Heritage House designation, of historical significance and we can now get 2.1 MILLION$$$ for it, and that would be so great if we really could; then we could get a really nice place,even in Toronto, and with enough $$$$ extra left over as well and even some left for a trip,too! Neither my mother or I really want to move with all the disruption, change, hassle, stress, and inconvenience, and having to find new doctors and stuff and now that it just seems so unaffordable out of this area it looks even more discouraging and the 15 and 17 YR olds had the nerve as well to tell my mother and I to go out and get jobs to help pay for it even though she’s retired and after over 25 YRS of child rearing and homeschooling I’m retired now too and besides now we’re both old and have medical issues and I’m not skilled at anything anyway but we both thought that was very disrespectful and now I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do; if we move( and how we can afford it if we do) or not. I pray God sends me some answers….If I die soon it would solve the problem though as they could use my life insurance $$$$ and they’d have more than enough $$$, more than twice as much as they need!

The pool guys also finally did come and they think the leak is from the skimmer and would be too expensive to fix and recommend that we just fill the pool in with sand….WTF? I hate to think how much it would cost to fill in a 20X40 9 foot hole of dirt, probably even more than getting the leak fixed. At least they said they’ll have someone more qualified come take a look at it but in the meantime we still have no pool and at this rate we won’t all summer. The repairman is also coming next week for the dishwasher .Everything we have is a piece of shit(and we can’t afford repairs,either). We’d never be able to sell this place anyway; everything’s falling apart..

I also heard the neighbours behind us fighting and arguing again just like I did the other day. I was out in the backyard and from the sounds of it they must have been either in their yard or driveway and he was berating her again like last time and they reminded me so much of my hubby and I, and he was scolding her, I just asked you to do this one thing and you can’t even do that! All you do is lay around all day and feel sorry for yourself! Get your head out of your ass! Sounds to me like the poor girl’s likely depressed and he has no compassion, sympathy, support or understanding for her, just like with my hubby and I. I felt so badly for her and I said a silent little prayer to God in my head for her. I know how it feels.

I heard as well Cyndi Lauper is now 65.A SENIOR CITIZEN. Holy shit that really makes me feel old because I listened to her in highschool.(I still have several of her songs in my iPod) That’s just 14 YRS older than me!  😦

 

 

The Agent.

Realestate The realestate agent came over to assess our house. I chose the same guy that sold 2 neighbours’ houses in less than 2 weeks. As it turned out he’s probably a good choice as he said he sold 200 houses last year alone and the average is between 10 and 20. He was impressed with the age (over a century) size of the house, and with the hardwood floors, the 7 bedrooms, inground pool, and the space, and large size of the lot(actually it’s a lot and a half) and large fenced-in yard, but he said we need to get rid of all the “clutter” and have some renovations and touch-ups( like paint) and things like that done before it’s ready to sell. I just remember too when he was looking around in all the rooms in my bedroom I still had that pillow with f*ck on it displayed on my bed; I wonder if he saw it? Ha, ha, ha…oh, well.

He said with the market in this area the most we’d be able to get is still 100 K less than what the average house costs in the cheaper end of the spectrum in the area we’ll be moving to, so we can’t afford it; the only way would be is to take out a mortgage( this house is already fully all paid for) to cover the extra 100 K but my hubby would have to do that and make the monthly payments as my mother’s on pension and doesn’t have the $$$$ anymore.In any case, it is because of his job that we have to move so he should be the one to pay the expense. That’s the only possible way we could do it and afford it, plus we’d put the rest of the $$$$ we’d get from selling this house into it and the mortgage would be to make up the difference that we’re short, that we don’t get when we sell this one.The agent said he’ll look into some things in the meantime and get back to us and we continue with our cleaning.

The pool guys were also supposed to come yesterday as well and check about the leak. They were originally supposed to come last week actually, but never did, and they never did yesterday,either, and now they say they’re coming today but I won’t hold my breath…we haven’t even been able to use the pool yet as the water level’s so low the pump can’t circulate the water….we tried putting the dishwasher thru another cycle as well to see what happens as a test and as soon as it started it started smoking from the back near the wall, and I mean really smoking, with a thick acrid smell, like with fire, so I was freaking out and we shut it off as well as power to it. Holy shit, that’s it, I’m not using that thing ever again!

We also finished another year of homeschooling until the fall, and my mother seems to have fallen into a depression now,too,she’s still just laying on the couch all day and I’m still the one doing all her work and she’s hardly eating anything anymore and her blood sugar’s been high; 13(it should be under 10) and she says things like Maybe I’ll be dead soon…. and made a chilling comment about having to “hide” her pills so she wouldn’t take them in a suicide attempt. It seems like she’s just given up now, like how I have, and I should know because I’ve been there and I know depression very well and I wonder too if maybe her pain is actually emotional pain being transferred as physical pain and that’s why nothing showed up on any of the tests because physically there’s nothing wrong? I often wonder if my migraines and abdomenal pain might be the same kind of thing,too?

She saw her doctor as well and I called him ahead of time to update him on the situation and to let him know my concern as she said she wasn’t going to tell him any of this but how can he help her if he doesn’t know the whole story and if she’s not able to reach out and ask for help then someone else has to reach out for her  and she said they had a good long talk and he increased her meds for the diabetes and cholesteral but she was able to convince him that she’s ok otherwise but I’m not so sure….

 

The Job.

Job My hubby got a job, and it’s in the same company too so the drug and dental coverage still continues on, uninterrupted. He didn’t get the other one he thought he would even though he was the most qualified just because the other guy was bilingual even though he wasn’t as qualified. It’s not right. Once he said he would relocate he got lots of interviews. This one though is similar to what he’s been doing for 12 years though and involves the Unix computer program which he says is what basically runs the Internet. The only bad thing though is that we’ll have to move as he won’t be able to work remotely from a home office anymore like he did before and will have to go into the office every day so we’ll have to move closer to where that is and the company has a few openings in several places so we can choose, either near Toronto, Montreal, London(the one in Ontario, not the cool one in the UK), or Ottawa.

Ottawa is out of the question due to our past there, and so is Montreal as Quebec is known to be the worst for homeschooling; very hostile and intimidating to homeschoolers there, so that leaves the other three, and my mother said she prefers to be near Toronto, but the only problem with that is the obvious: we can’t afford the houses there. I was searching online in the surrounding areas to see what was available and the only things I could even find in our price range were apartments and townhouses which are out of the question and not even an option; all the detached houses started at a million and only went up from there. Holy shit, we can’t even afford half that! My mother and I would prefer Kingston,actually, as we like it there and they have nice homes in the style we like and when I checked online they were affordable and I found a few I liked that were within our range, and it’s only an hour from here so we could still keep our same doctors, but his company doesn’t have a location there…..shit….they have international locations though; too bad we can’t move overseas! Now that would be an adventure and I’d finally get out of this shit-hole country I hate! I really don’t know what we’re going to do, but I also know that God always provides and it only takes the one right house,so things will eventually work out I suppose, or at least I hope…

The 16 YR old’s being really bitchy, snotty, bossy, snarky, and snippy about it as well, insisting that her and the 15 YR old are the ones that get to pick out, choose and decide which house we buy, not my mother and I, even though we own this house and will be the ones selling it and buying the new one, so we have the final decision and they’re the kids, NOT the adults, and it’s not up to them. I don’t know who they think they are, but we pick out the house and they just have to live with it, like it or not, and then she starts getting all snarky and mouthing off that  don’t have any say and no one cares what I think and I’ll probably just pick out some ugly old crackhouse and if I don’t like what they pick I can just stay here, etc, really bratty and mouthy, it was unreal, but the reality is that it will be my mother and I that will be the ones going around with the realestate agent looking at places and deciding, and besides, they’ll only be at home for a few more years anyway(2-3 years or so) and then they’ll be gone but we’ll be there until we die, so we want to have a house that we like, and not just something that we settled for or that we’re “forced” to live in and don’t even like, esp. costing so much $$$$. We don’t even want to have to move in the first place as it’s always such a hassle and so stressful; we at least want to like where we live and have it meet our requirements and be something we want. My kids are such assholes. They get it from my hubby.