The Cake.

Screen Shot 06-23-17 at 03.30 PM 001 This is the birthday cake the 16 YR old made herself (with help from the 14 YR old) for her party and dance later tonight. It took her pretty well all day. It’s a few layers and both vanilla and chocolate cake.  It’s going to be one epic party,too, and she’s going to have 16 guests as well as the 14 and 18 YR old, and will be serving a meat tray, veggie tray, cheese platter, fruit tray, melted chocolate fountain fondue to dip marshmallows in, pasta, mashed potatoes, meatballs, salad, chips, candy, pop, the cake,etc.. this is going to be one that goes down in history! She is a diva though and always has to do everything in grand style!

I also have bad cramps (I’m seriously too old for this shit anymore!) and I think “Aunt Flow” is coming, so far a week late, and I took a chance and ate that ham that might have been outdated(what can I say, I live on the edge) and shortly after I ate it my stomach felt sick so I guess it was really rotten afterall, and I also tried camel meat! The 18 YR old had some and it was in a meat patty on a bun with a sweet sauce and it was actually quite good! I also found out she’d taken the train to go to her BF’s graduation; that’s where she was when no one would tell me, and I have no problem with it; I just like to know where my kids are and who they’re with and plus there’s also the safety issue too; you need to know where they are and where to look in case something happens or they go missing. She’s also going back up to see him for Canada Day and they’re going to Ottawa for the 150th festivities.

Screen Shot 06-22-17 at 08.21 AM This is also my fave. photo of myself, taken 10 YRS ago when I was 40, 2 months after I’d had my youngest child. It’s actually the only one where I don’t look too bad so that’s why I like it. Usually I look so hideous I break the camera but in this one I don’t think I actually look half bad and for me that’s really saying alot .Usually I look like either a troll or a drag queen which is why I don’t generally take many photos of myself and hate seeing photos of me. If I were ever to go on a dating site this would be the photo I’d use, ha,ha..holy shit though I’ve really aged since then due to stress….oh, my God!. We also have had lots of rain lately, incl. a big storm last night that woke me up at 1:20 am, incl. more flooding again. I don’t think it’s ever going to stop….I think I’m going to have to start building an ark pretty soon…I’m so tired of all this rain!


Screen Shot 06-18-17 at 11.15 AM Here are different adjectives that have been used during my life that people have used to describe me:

  • ugly
  • fat
  • stupid
  • annoying
  • weird
  • dog
  • Frankenstein Face
  • worthless
  • useless
  • failure
  • free spirit
  • rebellious
  • outspoken
  • off-beat
  • opinionated
  • unique
  • crazy
  • religious
  • sensitive
  • paranoid
  • individual
  • Marxist
  • Communist
  • anarchist
  • hippie
  • pothead
  • druggie
  • unlucky
  • quirky
  • mouthy
  • loud
  • funky
  • lazy
  • stubborn
  • immature
  • imaginative
  • creative
  • worry-wart

As well, today one of the kids turns 16, and next weekend she’s having a big party and dance and she’s booked the local highschool for the venue, and yesterday morning just minutes before she was to leave for church in the morning someone picked her up and she left in a car…..I was mad….I thought she either forgot about church or just blew it off and went out regardless but luckily she returned in time to go to the evening Mass so it all worked out. My hubby also went out so we had to walk to church and it was really hot, with a humidex of 37 C and I thought I was going to pass out plus the sore on my foot was bleeding from my sandals rubbing on it as I walked but luckily on the way back it rained and was windy so it cooled it down.

It would have been nice if he’d told me earlier that he wasn’t going to be here and then I could have gone in the morning and got a ride and not had to walk in the heat but he just tells me 10 minutes before I’m ready to go! Good news,too: the grumpy priest said he’s leaving the end of July as he’s been reassigned! yay! I hope his replacement will be nice! I also saw a lady in front of me and she had no booty! None at all; it was just flat; her back and booty just went straight down together, just flat, and I’ve never seen anything like it before, and I thought to myself, it must be hard sitting, with no padding ( I don’t have that problem; I have lots of junk in the trunk) and even wondered if she maybe had cancer or something and had her ass cheeks surgically cut off? It was the strangest thing….she needs some butt implants! 😀

Last night while watching the news an emergency broadcast also came across the screen  interrupting it with a tornado warning saying to take cover immediately and then later on the same thing happened on the radio,too, and now we have another severe thunderstorm warning as well but June is tornado season though! I also forgot that I was steaming carrots and I left it on there and went to have a bath….and all the water had evaporated away and the pot had burned dry…..holy shit….I hadn’t even had any weed, either, it was just me being me….it really shook me up, I’m just always so forgetful all the time, it’s like I have Alzheimer’s or something…. it makes me feel so stupid and my mother scolded me, You can’t do that!( leaving something on the stove and forgetting about it) but I told her, forgot; I didn’t do it on purpose!


The Truth About War.

Screen Shot 06-05-17 at 08.26 AM

Guns N’ Roses Lyrics

“Civil War”

“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can’t reach…
So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N’ I don’t like it any more than you men.” *

Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they’ve always done before

Look at the hate we’re breeding
Look at the fear we’re feeding
Look at the lives we’re leading
The way we’ve always done before

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can’t deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

D’you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said, “Peace could last forever.”?
And in my first memories
They shot Kennedy
An’ I went numb when I learned to see
So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
That you can’t trust freedom
When it’s not in your hands
When everybody’s fightin’
For their promised land

I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war

Look at the shoes you’re filling
Look at the blood we’re spilling
Look at the world we’re killing
The way we’ve always done before
Look in the doubt we’ve wallowed
Look at the leaders we’ve followed
Look at the lies we’ve swallowed
And I don’t want to hear no more

My hands are tied
For all I’ve seen has changed my mind
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
‘Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars

“We practice selective annihilation of mayors and government officials,
For example, to create a vacuum.
Then we fill that vacuum as popular war advances.
Peace is closer.” **

I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
And I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need one more war

I don’t need one more war
What’s so civil ’bout war anyway?


Screen Shot 06-07-17 at 08.01 PM I’m no fan of Donald Trump but I still think what Kathy Griffin did with her “beheaded” Trump for a so-called “joke” went too far, was inappropriate, crossed a line and was uncalled for. It was just wrong, no matter who does it to whom, just as it was also equally inappropriate when people did similar images of Obama being noosed, for example.  It reminded me of her imitating an ISIS terrorist holding up the severed head of their victims and there are just some things that aren’t funny and that you just don’t joke about. Now she’s lost alot of her bookings and complains she’s the victim and is being bullied because her “joke” backfired and people were offended, but she has to realize that there are consequences for her actions, which affect her reputation and her career.

As for Trump, he actually did something good though too that I like by pulling out of the Paris Accord on climate change which I think is all just a bunch of hooey and a waste of time and $$$$$ anyway all that enviro indoctrination and crap and the $$$$ wasted on that propaganda can be much better spent on social programs that could go a long way to alleviate human suffering, such as into health, education, alleviating poverty, homelessness, helping shelters, refugees, etc. People seem to care more about the environment than about the actual people who live on the Earth, and environmentalism has almost become like the New World Religion and I’m glad actually that someone finally has the courage to stand up to all this tree hugging Earth worshipping garbage. I don’t even think climate change is a real thing,either, but merely a scare tactic the enviro freaks use; I think it’s just a part of the Earth’s natural cycle it goes thru changing climates over time.

As well, the top of my left foot’s all peeling I originally thought was just from my suntan from Cuba but now it’s spreading and really itchy and even sore but not like a usual sunburn,and it’s all red and infected all around it,too, so now I’m starting to think that maybe it’s actually something quite different, like some sort of infection or something, so I’m going to keep an eye on it,  and the 14 YR old was talking mean about another family member as well and I confronted her about it asking her why she’s always so mean to them and what did they ever do to make her hate them so much and she replied that they did something I don’t know about and don’t need to know about….so now I’m left all wondering and curious……what did they do…or what does she think they might have done….no one ever tells me anything and no one will ever talk or discuss it,and when I asked the 15 YR old just dismissed it as me being paranoid, but I know what I see and what I hear, and it bothers me that maybe she’s just abandoned them because they have problems(when they really need support the most) and also I never knew what was going on with her or with the 19 YR old before either……and look how that turned out….

When I Die.

Screen Shot 05-15-17 at 03.31 PM The first thing I woke up to was hearing on the radio that one of the DJ’s 15 YR old son died in a tragic accident at a park, and then my toothbrush fell in the toilet.That’s how I started my day. I was also surprised to see that Bev’s (G.P) house had a sold sign on it…..already….she just died a little while ago and there was never any For Sale sign on it before……that was fast….and it got me thinking when I die, what I want, my last wishes, I want my family to carry out for me, and so here they are:

  • I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered on the beach in the Caribbean where I was happy, and besides, no one will even bother to come visit my grave,anyway.
  • Catholic funeral Mass.
  • Sunflowers and lilacs at my funeral.
  • Funeral songs: Ave Maria, Hallelujah,Amazing Grace, and Ride, Natty, Ride
  • Take good care of Buddy.
  • Continue homeschooling and going to church.
  • Make sure the 10 YR old gets Confirmed when the time is right.
  • Donate $$$$ to the Turgwe Hippo Trust

I also over-heard my hubby telling the 14 and 15 YR olds (I was wearing headphones listening to music in the car and he didn’t think I could hear him,and usually I can’t as the music is loud, but when the song is soft I can hear) that I’m probably slowly poisoning myself and setting everything up so that when they do the autopsy they’ll blame him and he’ll get charged with my murder!WTF? I’m not, and this only reinforces my suspicion that he really is trying to poison me and get away with it; that’s going to be his defense and his alibi!  I just hope the bastard doesn’t get away with it……I can’t believe it! Holy shit!!

Screen Shot 05-16-17 at 01.15 PM Here’s also my newest hippo: a hippo on wheels,and here he is on the road! I named him Wheely, Hot Wheels,. and Mr. Wheeler(I actually had a teacher in grade 5 named Mr. Wheeler) He’s just so cute I couldn’t resist. My mother also insisted that I said bedroom when I meant to say, thought I said, and was sure I said backyard, and I’ve been confused , foggy,and out of it for a week now, and I wonder as well if maybe my potassium might be low again from my diuretic like it was before, or some other medical cause, or it could just be due to the tremendous stress I’m under, and so much so my family mentioned about Patti visiting last week and I don’t even remember it at all, and I thought they were playing their usual mind-games with me and trying to trick me but I asked her and she confirmed it; she was over for a visit, but it was a Weed Day and also the day after I tried to kill myself so the opiates would have still been in my system and I must have been really out of it…..I can just vaguely recall what I thought was a dream that Patti was over and said something about a bus…..but that’s it…..I didn’t know it was real; it’s like waking in and out of anesthesia…God, I’m losing it….

The kids and my hubby also laugh at my faith and mock my relationship with God and the 14 and 15 YR olds make fun of me liking hippos and sunflowers too and jeer I’m “obsessed” with them and “have a ‘crush'” on them, etc. and always make fun of me just because I like something; apparantly I’m not even allowed to have any interests, or at least not without being made fun of yet whenever I say anything about the way they treat me or voice any displeasure, disapproval or mention it in any way the 15 YR old always accuses me of “causing drama”, so I can’t stand up for myself , defend myself, or explain myself, either. My family sucks.I’m so tired of all their shit.

The Little Dachshund.

Screen Shot 05-05-17 at 10.15 AM 001 When we got back from the hospital from visiting the 13 YR old I saw this on our outside windowsill on the veranda near the mailbox: a little Dachshund figurine…..but I have no idea where it came from or who left it there! It’s a mystery! Who left it there? Who gave it to us? I assume it must be one of the neighbours, but who,and why? It’s the sweetest little thing and a nice and kind thing to do but it’s a real mystery why and where it came from. My guess is maybe G.P. who died last night; another neighbour came over today and told me the news so perhaps she’d had someone give it to us saying, Give this to the lady with the Dachshund. I’m surprised if so though as I don’t really know her that well, she just always sees me going by as I’m walking Buddy and I wave at her and say hello but that’s it… I wonder if I’ll ever find out?

As well, we’re getting 70 mm more rain and it’s supposed to rain for the next 3 days and there’s flooding everywhere, and the other day after my weed I was looking at my new sunflower painting I bought and it “morphed” right before my very eyes and started taunting me heckling, I’m not really a sunflower, you know; I’m a marigold! You got the wrong painting! and it really freaked me out! Today is also the 15 YR old’s cheerleading competition in Toronto and also the 22 YR old’s jiu-jitsu competition, also in Toronto.

We also visited the 13 YR old and they gave her a day pass so we took her out to eat and to the bookstore. They went to Five Guys though and all they have is burgers and fries( gross) not even any chicken burgers so there was nothing for me to eat (so I just got a drink) and I was starving and my hubby wouldn’t bother to take me anywhere else to get food, not even just thru a drive-thru, and the 13 YR old had blood work done as well but everything came back as zero; zero potassium, zero hemoglobin, zero platelets…..which obviously is wrong, otherwise she’d be dead, so they had to do it again and re-do the tests and it all came back normal, and the nurse told us she’s very “guarded” and private as well and won’t open up and she told them she’s no longer suicidal but I don’t really believe it; I think she’s just telling them what they want to hear so they’ll let her out, and I hope that they’re smart enough not to fall for it,and I worry once she returns home, even though we’ve locked up all the medications and sharp things if she’s really determined to kill herself there are other ways and she’ll find a way and that just scares the hell out of me……

Rib Pain.

Screen Shot 04-24-17 at 08.19 AM I have this pain under my ribs on the left side I feel whenever I cough, which is often as I’ve had this nagging cough now for weeks,maybe even longer, and I’m not sure why it hurts, either from the yard work I did the other day, sweeping around the pool and bending down spraying the dandilions on the lawn, or if maybe something more serious I should be concerned about such as a pulmonary embolism or maybe even my heart…in any case, I certainly sure notice it…. My mother’s blood-sugar was really bad,too, up to 16 ( normal is 10 or under) and now even the backs of my knees and legs are all sunburned too and it hurts every time I bend my legs! Ouch!!

Screen Shot 04-24-17 at 07.38 PM The new Starbucks Unicorn Frappucino also looks sooo good (I think it looks like cotton-candy actually) except I’m sure it tastes like coffee…..yeeeecccchhhhh!!!!! so that ruins it for me but if it tasted like cotton-candy or bubblegum or something I’d try it for sure,  and I decided to make a nice treat for the 13 YR old’s lunch,too: a grilled cheese, fried in butter to give her the extra calories she needs but she goes, I hate grilled cheese! and threw it , refusing to eat it, and just ate toast instead, and I was so sad; and I made it with love,too, and I thought it be a nice surprise and make her happy and her reaction wasn’t what I expected and I was just trying to be nice and the 15 YR old huffed, You fail at that,too! (well, she fails at being a decent human being she’s so mean-spirited) but like the 22 YR old told me, You tried your best and I meant well and had good intentions and at least I tried, yet no matter how hard I try I’m always rebuffed and I wonder why I even try anymore, and the cruel way they treat me makes me want to crawl inside myself and curl up into a little ball and disappear.

Screen Shot 04-17-17 at 08.11 PM This is also an incredibly cute picture of Buddy, just because, and where his nail tore off now it’s just a raw fleshy stump and I wonder if the nail will ever grow back at all, I mean, there’s nothing left, and the 17 YR old said she can never tell if it’s warm out or not, not even based on the sun, as she said I’m always out if it’s sunny, regardless, even if it’s – 30 C out. Ha,ha, but not quite, it has to be at least around 7 C and then I’ll go out though. I’m a hearty Canadian and after trapped inside half the YR all winter I can’t wait to get back outside in the sun again! I miss it so much!

I was also in the livingroom resting my sore back and listening to my music and my hubby comes in and decided he wants to watch TV (even though I was there first) right then and there even though I was already going to leave in just 10 more minutes to watch the news on my computer in the rec-room (we can no longer stream it onto the TV anymore) but he couldn’t even wait 10 minutes until I left and then start watching but he had to watch it right then; I think he just loves wielding power and control and having the pleasure of kicking me out.