Time to switch your clocks ahead 1 hour for spring!
For International Women’s Day here is the woman that I have always most admired: Amelia Earhart. I also admire Marie Currie and Indira Gandhi but Amelia has always been my fave. This was really one cool woman ahead of her time!
Yesterday I had my CT heart scan. I also had to have the contrast dye thru the IV as seen here. The last time I had it for a scan I never had any problem; it just made me feel like I peed myself! They even had a cardiologist there during the test as well whereas you don’t usually get an actual doctor during scans; the technicians do it, and she gave me 2 sprays of nitroglycerin under my tongue to get better images as it dilates, or largens, the heart vessels, allowing for better imaging, but side-effects are it also widens all vessels, so your BP might plummet really low…. and….
….after 5 minutes or so, maybe less, after I had the spray in my mouth( it tasted like a really sharp breath mint) I started to feel really…well…funny….I was all floppy and felt like a snowman that just melted and collapsed all at once into one giant swooshing puddle and they must have been able to tell by looking at me as they said, Are you ok?….. and as I felt my arms flop down from holding up over my head down to my sides and my head slump over to the left, I mumbled, I think I’m fading…. as it felt like sort of combination of when I’m going to pass-out and just before a seizure.
Then the same thing happened again right after they injected the contrast dye into my IV. At first I just felt a cold, wet sensation as the liquid coursed thru my veins and then the familiar feeling like I’d just wet myself, but then, also, I got this funny taste in my mouth and my throat felt funny, like swollen and hoarse I felt really restless and “floaty” and like I was going into another dimension, or into another frequency, sort of like how I go after weed, and I could feel myself “floating” and going towards the edge of consciousness, and have only vague recollections of it but I do remember them rushing around, sliding me out of the scanner, a cold hand resting on my forehead, a BP cuff on my arm, a voice which sounded distant, Are you still with us? so I came close to blacking out 2 times during the scan or perhaps I actually did…. So that was how I spent my morning.
It was also funny prepping for the scan the nurse asked me if there’s any chance that I might be pregnant and I laughed and replied, Good one! That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time! You do know I’m 51, right? and she said they have to ask every female aged 10-55 and I thought 10? are you f*cking kidding me? That’s sick! I also had to fill out this form and it asked when my last period was, if I use contraception, etc. and last one was 2 months ago, no, I never used contraceptives…I mean, c’mon, man, we have 11 kids does it look like I believe in contraception?..…and then she asked how can I be so sure there’s no chance I’m not prego, You are married, aren’t you? she asks, and I assured her,that, yes, I am, and then she asked when’s the last time I did….you-know-what… and when I said 11 years ago….embarrassed and ashamed…I’m so undesirable even my own husband is repelled by me and doesn’t want me… I couldn’t even describe the look on her face but then she said, Well, at least we know you’re definitely NOT pregnant!! and turned around and wrote something down in her chart.
It’s been really mild and nice here the past 2 weeks or so as well, even 10 C or even as high as 15 C and pretty much all the snow has melted away but now they say winter’s coming back with a vengeance; this was just a little teaser for spring. I never “fall” for it anyway. Mother Nature is a bitch. We’re supposed to get lots of snow this week and March is supposed to be really bad; lots of snow and really cold; it will almost be like February and March reversed. It’s been bad in Europe recently as well with many countries getting buried in snow, incl. my cousins, who posted photos of the snow on their Facebook.
I saw on the news that the average Canadian spends 25 $ a week on weed. I usually spend 100$ a month so that would end up being the same.It does wonders for my migraines, helps greatly with my anxiety, helps me to relax and chill out,and relieves whatever pain I might be having, incl. cramps, back or abdomenal pain, other headaches, etc. It also has the nice side-effect of helping me escape temporarily, floating off to another dimension where there’s only serenity, peace, beauty, and love. It’s a blessing from God. My family hates that I use it but they hate everything I like and do anyway and always use it as an excuse to insult and degrade me and to put me down so I might as well just do what’s best for me and makes me happy because they’ll criticize and demean it anyway. Speaking of family, one of the kids turned 20 yesterday,too, he’s now no longer a teenager!
I still wonder as well what’s actually causing my heavy painful periods, abnormal bleeding and abdomenal pain even though the ultrasound just showed the 2cm cyst on my ovary and simple ovarian cysts aren’t supposed to have any symptoms or cause bleeding or pain, but nothing else showed up, nothing to explain it, like cancer or anything, so what’s causing it? Then the thought just came into my head Just because they don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there…. I wonder what it is though, there has to be something causing it, some reason, and Aunt Flow is already 9 days late and it still hasn’t come so far….I keep hoping it’s done for good but I know better; it’ll still show up eventually, only really bad going so long…..ugh…I just hope with all my MRI’s, CT scans and ultrasounds they’ll eventually find something…or maybe my hubby really is poisoning me afterall? That would certainly cause, and explain, my liver and kidney failure as well as the pain…also the mysterious seizures…
I keep seeing all over the InterNet how Kylie Jenner had a baby and even the 14 and 16 YR olds keep talking about it and I’m over here like who gives a shit? I can’t even tell the difference between her and Kendall, nor do I care to, and the Kardashians are nothing more than glorified porn stars and I don’t know why they keep making stupid people famous. She probably doesn’t even know who the father is,anyway. I can’t for the life of me see how people can be so interested in them, care so much about them and their lives and what they’re doing and wearing, or who they’re sleeping with, or where they went out to dinner or which club they were seen at….I mean, really? Who the hell cares? I feel the exact same way about the Super Bowl; it was all over the news and I couldn’t care less; I didn’t even know who was playing and I don’t care; there are so many other important things going on in the world, such as wars, terrorism, hate, racism, refugee crisis, poverty, crime, etc. who cares who wins some stupid football game?
We had some major drama in this boring going nowhere town last night! Remember how my mother and I have long-had suspicions that they were dealing drugs at the house at the corner of our street? Well….it turns out that we were right because last night the police raided it!(I wonder if I’m also right the guy across the street keeps hostages in his basement?) There was this huge drug bust and there were lots of police and drug-sniffing dogs and they were there for at least the 4 hours that I was aware of and I also saw the cops with flashlights in the night going into the backyard and up and down the street all along the sidewalk looking for something. I was first made aware of it by seeing the flashing red and blue lights on my bedroom wall when I was up in bed so I looked out the window,and then when I announced there was action going on across the street the nosey girls ran out to get a closer look and said they saw the police bringing out lots of drugs!
Today on the news they mentioned more about it, how it was a big bust 2 months investigation and they raided the two houses, them and the one behind them as well, and that they seized weed, cocaine,and heroin, so it wasn’t just some low-level drug dealer selling weed’ this was some hard core big time shit,and then they also said that 6 people were arrested and that 2 years ago they were also charged with human trafficking, weapons offences and were involved in a murder case! Holy shit! I knew they sold drugs but I had no idea it was this big! Boy, we sure live in some neighbourhood, don’t we?You never really know your neighbours, do you? I’m glad I pretty much just keep to myself around here and just talk to a couple of people! The 14 YR old also informed me that the house next door to them is what she refers to as a Prostitute House which I had no idea about and she shrugged, Everybody knows...like how everyone knew about the drug dealers… well, I didn’t…but I knew about the drug den,and it looks like the police do now,too,and I bet now there’s also alot of people really upset and worried now their dealers are gone; where are they going to buy their shit now? I’m lucky with my legal medical marijuana prescription I don’t have to rely on the neighbourhood dealer or if he gets busted or not: I order it online thru a licensed supplier and just get it in the mail!
My mother and I just started watching this new TV show that just came out, The Resident, which tells of what really goes on in the background of doctors and nurses working in an urban hospital. It’s really good. It then got me thinking about what other shows all of us watch and my mother definitely wins for the one who watches the most shows, then my hubby, then the kids, and then me, who watches the least amount. I’m trying to think of them and remember them all and I’m sure I forgot some of theirs but here’s what I came up with:
Both my mother and I watch The Resident, Criminal Minds, Degrassi:Next Class, Return To Amish (a summer show), Born This Way (a summer show), Mom,Little People Big World, and The Blacklist. On top of that I also watch The Big Bang Theory. My hubby also watches The Blacklist and The Big Bang Theory like I do as well.
On top of that, my hubby also watches Designated Survivor, Blindspot, The Arrow, and a bunch of other super hero stuff, Dragonball Z and a bunch of other anime stuff, redneck crap like darts, wrestling, etc. Shark Tank, Game Of Thrones, Doctor Who, some weird show where they do some kind of obstacle course, The Blacklist, The Big Bang Theory, Young Sheldon, etc. along with other things I forget and don’t really pay attention to anyway.
My mother also watches Bluebloods, Murdoch Mysteries, NCIS, Stranger Things(she’s obsessed with that one and binge-watches an entire season all in a day) Designated Survivor, Blindspot, and probably others that I forgot as well as the ones that I watch and the kids watch various things with Riverdale being the girls’ fave. They just absolutely love that show! Everyone just downloads everything and watches it and it’s hard to keep track of everyone’s shows so everyone just has to keep track of their own and watch when it’s most convenient.
As well, in the middle of the night I stepped in something squishy, warm, and wet that soaked thru my sock and I just froze in horror and thought, Oh, God, what did I just step in? and said aloud, Oh, Dear God, please don’t let it be shit…. so I hopped over and turned on my light….luckily it was just pee. Buddy must have had an unfortunate accident during the night; it was on a pile of socks on my floor but my blanket had fallen partway off the bed and was hanging off onto the floor and got it too….laundry day! We even had a thunderstorm overnight, which is very unusual for January! It even woke me up, the first loud boom and I woke up startled, What the f*ck was that? and at first I actually wondered if it might be a bomb in my sleepy disoriented state( plus you’re not thinking thunder in winter) as the survival instincts kick in and you are alerted to a potential threat but then more came and I realized it was also raining…Oh! …it must just be thunder! and so I just rolled over and went back to sleep, enjoying the storm.
My family still aren’t aware of my recent suicide attempt the other day either. I never told them or mentioned it as there’s really no point. It didn’t work anyway and they wouldn’t care regardless, and they’d probably just berate me and put me down anyway and say something like I’m just doing it for attention like they have before when really I just want to numb the pain, to escape from the pain and misery that is my life. I’ve just had enough and I can’t take anymore. I can’t keep doing this and I want out. Every time I either say or do something my family deems stupid my hubby and the 14 and 16 YR olds also always mock me making gestures imitating me, like they’re smoking weed, mocking me and laughing,and it hurts my feelings, and I feel such shame and embarrassment as it is just by simply being ugly and stupid ( and now also the stigma of being poor now,too and I’m often shamed for not having enough $$) but when people make fun of me for it, it’s even worse.