Screen Shot 10-06-17 at 09.57 AM Today’s our Thanksgiving. The second-oldest came for a visit for a couple of days and my father-in-law also came for dinner and the 22 YR old’s GF. This was the first year the 18 YR old wasn’t home( she’s away at school and it’s too far and too expensive to come back just for a couple of days) but she spent the holiday and had dinner at her BF’s house with him and his family. We had 5 turkeys, ham, 4 pumpkin pies, peas, corn, 3 kinds of potatoes, fries, dozens of buns,etc. and had a big dinner in the diningroom. We also go around and say what we’re thankful for and the 22 YR old said his GF which was sweet and also shows he’s maturing too as he usually says something stupid, offensive, and inappropriate, like ISIS, or human trafficking or something. My mother said that we’re all still alive this Thanksgiving and I said I bet I won’t be next Thanksgiving; I doubt I’ll even be here for Christmas….

Screen Shot 10-08-17 at 05.34 PM 001 Here is our table, all set up, and I don’t know if you can see it, but we also have decorative leaves scattered on the table top. The second-oldest was mean and insulted Buddy as well saying he’s NOT the cutest-looking dog ( but he really is) and he was even extra close to me and whiny today, I think he could sense my bad headache(and also I felt sweaty and faint and not well all day) that I still have, for almost 2 weeks now ever since I fainted and fell and hit my head, and for the past few days also feel pressure and a stabbing pain behind my eye and so bad nothing works to relieve it and I tried everything; I thought it must be a sinus headache so I took the sinus pills but that never worked so I took Tylenol, even migraine pills, even morphine I had left over from surgery…nothing got rid of it, and the 22 YR old seemed concerned and he said it might be a slow brain bleed from my head injury and it could be dangerous and I should go to the hospital and get it checked.( if I have vomiting, blurred or double vision or uneven or dilated pupils then I will) I appreciate his concern esp.  as in my family no one usually even cares. I bet even when I die they won’t regret how they’ve mistreated me, or not even regret they never gave me a party for my 50th birthday either, they’ll probably just be glad I’m gone and not have to listen to my music anymore, or put up with my weed or my stupidity; they’ll be relieved to be rid of me.

Americans are also mad that Trump is trying to stop gov’t paying for birth control but I actually support him in this: here in Canada we have universal health care yet even here people have to pay for their own birth control, it ‘s not covered by taxpayer money, and what gets me too is how the femi-nazis are always going on and on about how the gov’t has no business with their bodies and how they shouldn’t interfere with their “right” to have abortions( what about the baby’s right to life and to be born?) and then yet also at the same time demand that the gov’t pay for their birth control? You can’t have it both ways! If you want to prevent having kids or to kill your baby if you do become pregnant, then YOU should  be the one who pays for it. It’s that simple.




Screen Shot 10-03-17 at 03.03 PM The 14 YR old gained 300 g this week and I was elated, so relieved, so glad,ever so grateful, so overjoyed….and then the NP at the eating disorders clinic tersely responded, The goal is 500 g at least even 1000 g a week! and then once again reminded how we keep failing and need to improve and I just felt so….deflated. Deflated, weary, disappointed, hopeless, and tired. I do everything they tell me, I toil, and it’s emotionally very difficult and emotionally exhausting work, and there’s not the improvement in the time they expect and we keep falling short despite trying hard and sometimes I wonder if it’s all for nothing if it’s really not working, helping, or progressing the way it should be. I mean she has gained significant weight over the past 6 months we’ve been in the program and isn’t too far off from her ideal weight; it’s just that she started going back and then stagnated for awhile instead of gaining…

It’s all about numbers. Everything. No wonder I hate math. I always have. It continues to ruin my life. She’s only off by 300 g. What’s 300 g in the context of everything? She’d lost weight last week and this week she’s gained 300 g…ok, so it’s not quite the 500 g they want but it’s still a gain! Everything’s always defined by numbers and restricted,too. If your baby’s born before 36 weeks off to the NICU. Just 1 more week later and you’re good to go. I heard the other day now if a baby weighs less than 6 pounds 5 oz ( when I had my kids it was under 5 pounds 5 oz) it also has to go to the NICU. See the difference a week makes? Viability of a pre-term baby is generally considered to be 24 weeks. Just a mere week earlier the outcome is much more dire. Everything is  all about the numbers, and  sometimes even close still isn’t close enough and the difference in-between is vital.

It made me feel like how it was with my aunt. This particular aunt was always mean to me and I’m sure that she hated me. She’d even go out of her way to make me cry or get me upset(we lived with her a few years when I was little) an example would be she knew the pink cup was my fave. so she’d purposely NOT let me have it, things like that, just to be cruel, and she was always yelling at me for every little thing, and nothing I ever did was right or good enough and I spent years trying to please her, to measure up, to be good enough, to get her to like me, to be nice to me, to accept me, to love me, yet no matter how hard I tried I was still never good enough, never up to her standards, never worthy of her love and kindness; I always fail and disappoint, just like with the clinic; no matter how hard I try it’s never good enough for them and I can’t achieve their standards.That’s me: never good enough. Inferior. Less-than.

I also saw pictures of wounds like the burn on my arm and it looks the same as flesh eating disease which they said people with compromised immune systems are at risk for, such as with diabetes( I recently just got tested and I’m ok) and cancer…. and who have recently been in fresh saltwater….like I was in recently in Cuba….uh, oh…my hubby says no way though as it’s been longer than 24 hours but it sure does look exactly like the pictures in the earlier stage and it would also explain the extreme pain, too, but I’m not going to do anything about it though until after my colonoscopy as I don’t want it to get postponed or anything. I could, potentially, find out this week if I have cancer….whoa…that’s BIG.

It gets me angry as well how they call the shooting in Las Vegas a “mass shooting” or  a “massacre” instead of a “terrorist” attack and I know why: because the attacker was a white home-grown American, but if he had been Muslim, brown, or a foreigner then it would have labelled a terrorist attack, because in this racist society it’s labelled not by the act itself ( as it should be) but rather based on who did it, on their race, nationality, skin colour, or religion. I’d say though with the large amount of people both killed and injured on such a grand scale it qualifies as a terrorist attack.It just happens it was a white American terrorist. Not a Muslim, not a guy with a turban, not a brown guy, not a foreigner, not an illegal, not your Indian neighbours, not someone tighter borders would have kept out.

My hubby also made some comment referring to when I die I’ll be in Hades and I replied, What can you say? You don’t even care about God! and then he gave me this incredulous look at the clinic the other day too when I saw a sign that said tele-psychiatry  and I thought it meant they can read your mind and he thought I was a dolt. Well….what about telepathy, the ability to read minds or to move objects with the mind? Who’s the dolt, now?


The Scavenger.

Screen Shot 10-02-17 at 03.57 PM When the neighbours next door got evicted they left most, if not all, of their furniture behind, I guess having only a few days notice to move out they’re just staying with family or friends or something and didn’t have room to take their stuff, either that, or they just left it all behind for the landlord to clean up just to piss her off for kicking them out. In any case they had this huge dumpster next to the house and spent all day yesterday throwing stuff into it and the 14 YR old saw it was so excited and ran outside gleefully, looking to see what free treasure she might be able to find and pick up. She’d go back and forth several times over the day to check out what new finds awaited her, and even got mad when other people on the street moved in on her turf, and they said they only did half the house and doing the rest today so she’s super excited and looking forward to more scavenging today,too! Let’s go on a scavenger hunt!

I swear, that kid is such a scavenger, a garbage-picker, just like a raccoon, rooting thru other people’s disgarded trash, seeing what she can find,she like garage sales( which I call garbage sales) and yard sales,too; she’s shameless( what next, dumpster diving? Look what I found! A perfectly good sandwich, and it’s only half eaten!) and she gathered up quite a few finds, such as a bookcase, a chair, a couple of tables, a wine rack (she has no use for but says she’s going to “re-purpose”) and even a small trampoline for the 10 YR old I was hoping would deter him from jumping on the furniture( as he’s shredded a couch!) but now he just uses it to jump from the mini trampoline onto the couch and back and forth again! She reminds me of our old neighbour in Ottawa who would also check out on garbage day and walk around the neighbourhood picking thru everyone’s garbage looking for items.

The oozing, weeping burn on my arm continues to get bigger, redder, and hurt even more, alot more than it should, around a 7/10 now on the pain scale, like it’s eating it’s way down thru the muscle and bone, and it makes me wonder if it’s this bad if perhaps I maybe even broke it when I’d fainted those 2 times and fell hard? I was unconscious afterall and didn’t wake up until awhile after, so I don’t know what I might have hit on the way down, maybe on the counter or the stove or something… my cousin’s CT scan of her colon came back ok as well; she’d had a twisting in her bowel so between that and our family history of colon cancer is why she had hers done and she just returned from another Caribbean cruise and is going on a 2 month one to Australia in March too, the lucky duck!

I also head the sad news that Tom Petty had massive cardiac arrest and was taken off life support and it just breaks my heart.He’s only 66. He’s always been one of my faves ever since I was 12 or 13 and I finally got to see him in concert 1-2 years ago and I’m now esp. glad that I did. I guess all my faves. will be dying soon as well as they’re all pretty well around the same age, late 60’s/ early 70’s, so that could mean that Robbie Robertson, Lenny Kravitz( although he’s just in his 50’s) Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, etc.. could die anytime now as well. I don’t want to live in a world without Tom Petty in it though. I can’t even imagine. At least the band up in Heaven will be getting even better though.

The Butt Shake.

Screen Shot 09-23-17 at 06.46 PM The eating disorders clinic told us to make smoothies and milkshakes for the 14 YR old so I have been, incl. a vanilla milkshake yesterday with ice cream, milk, yogurt, and vanilla extract for extra flavour, and she announced that It tastes like butt! and scowled ( but was good and still drank it anyway) so without missing a beat, I replied, Then I achieved my goal! I meant to make it butt flavour! It’s a butt shake!  I find that being light humoured is helpful, to try and de-fuse a possible confrontation, to lighten the mood, to make someone laugh, to try and connect with the kids, to try and crack a smile out of her, to reach out, to bond, and to stop from crying. So there you have it, folks, if you should ever find yourself craving a milkshake that tastes like ass you know where to find one. I used to put protein powder in them too until I found out it also has testosterone in it, and I don’t really think she wants hair on her chest so I’m not putting it in anymore, but I add stuff like yogurt, honey, etc. to bulk it up.

It was also so hot yesterday ( 33 C with humidex of 40 C) it was even too hot for me and I could only be outside in the morning for a few hours and had to come inside to cool down at Noon, and we even have an extreme heat warning for 3 days, and I had a dream we had a tornado at 5 pm and with all this humidity I wouldn’t be surprised even though tornadoes in September are almost unheard of ( June is tornado season,and always in summer) but then again so is a heatwave like this,too, so you never know…. the 14 and 16 YR olds dyed their hair again as well; the 14 YR old bright red and cut it,too, from really long up to her shoulders and the 16 YR old dyed hers a bright blue.

I also wonder if Buddy’s strange behaviour lately( hiding under couches and beds) is maybe because he can sense something bad is coming soon and he’s afraid, because this is how he is during and just prior to, a thunderstorm, so maybe he can sense a change in the atmosphere or something, and maybe we’re going to get a tornado or an earthquake or something and he feels unsettled and afraid so he’s hiding, or perhaps maybe he even senses that I do have cancer and I’m dying and he’s upset and depressed? Typically blood in the shit is a classic symptom of colon cancer though and I don’t have any, or not that I can see anyway, but just because you can’t necessarily see it doesn’t mean it’s not there,either, though, just like  wasn’t aware my pee had blood in it and never saw it; it just showed up when they tested it, or it could just be higher up in the colon where it wouldn’t be detected…. and I do have the abdomenal pain, diarrhrea,and weight loss….my mother also said if I do only have a few months left I can go to Jamaica like I want afterall; she’ll just charge it and let me enjoy one last trip, but it also all depends on how quickly I decline and if I’m even well enough to travel…..maybe I still can have the chance to see the Bob Marley Museum and smoke some authentic Jamaican weed afterall?(and relax on the Caribbean beach, my Happy Place…. and I would love to die there.)

Last night apparantly the smoke detector outside my bedroom in the hallway kept loudly blaring they could even hear it all the way down on the first floor ( my room’s up on the third floor) but I  just slept right thru it and never even heard a thing! I must have been really tired and in a really good, deep sleep not to hear that, as I usually wake up at the slightest sound; a door opening, someone walking up the stairs, Buddy sneezing, etc.. but I did also have my radio and A/C on as well. It must have been malfunctioning. I just hope we don’t have another fire though; we already had a bad one ( we barely escaped and lost half the house) 21 years ago at our old house and we don’t need another one! Shit… maybe that’s even what Buddy’s all agitated and scared and hiding for? Are we going to have a fire and he can somehow detect it before it occurs?

I also figure after I wake up from my colonoscopy I will know what it feels like to be  a gay guy who has just been deflowered and my poor arse will be so swollen and sore and possibly even bleeding and I probably won’t be able to sit down for a few days and will be walking kind of funny for awhile,too…. my arse is an exit, not  an entrance! I’ve never had anything up there before! The medical team will probably get a good laugh at the tattoos on my ass though. Humour always makes things a bit better.

Before I Die…..

Screen Shot 09-11-17 at 07.08 PM I was thinking; if it turns out that I actually do have cancer or I’ve been poisoned and I’ve only got a few months left to live, here are my dying wishes, my Bucket List, or last things I want to accomplish,and do, before I die:

-Go back to the Toronto zoo and see the hippo again

-Get high as f*ck

– Get my brains f*cked out

Go to Jamaica and see the Bob Marley Museum

Fly in a CF-18 fighter jet and scream across the sky

-See the ocean one more time

-See my old house in Toronto one more time

-Get a French manicure again

-Plant sunflowers in my garden

-Get those tie-dye socks


I had a dream last night where an impression was made on me, Trouble is coming, making me wonder exactly what kind of trouble was implied; medical, legal, stress-wise, emotional, financial…..what? I had another dream as well that my cousin B is going to die shortly after me and so is Buddy ( likely of a broken heart after losing me) and that she’s the one who brings him to me. In reality though she does have a twisted bowel and is getting a CT scan a week after I get mine, so who knows…. I also forgot about the 14 YR old’s snack last night and I wasn’t even on weed either; I was just busy doing my blog and talking to the 22 YR old and it slipped my mind and I lost track of time and then I went up to bed….then later on I woke up in the middle of the night and realized, Oh, my God! I forgot about her snack! and I felt so badly but luckily she remembered and had a piece of cake that she, the 16 YR old,and the 22 YR old’s GF made, and she remembered her night-time pills on her own,too!

We still can’t find alot of the curriculum we need for this year’s homeschooling,either,and I’m convinced one of the kids  either hid it somewhere or threw it out in the garbage so they wouldn’t have to do it, so we’re trying to order an answer key to the grade 8 language arts and my hubby said he couldn’t find it anywhere online except unless you buy the entire set for 2000$ and he asked me where I got it from originally and I told him and I went on the site and in under a minute I found it…..and for less than 10$,too! I don’t know why he didn’t just ask me to begin with! It would have saved him alot of time and trouble….

Hurricane Irma also devastated 95 % of St. Martin where I’ve also been a couple of times and hit Turks and Caicos, which I’ve been a few times,too, hard as well, and now hit Florida where I’ve also been a couple of times…..geez….it seems that pretty well everywhere I’ve been to ends up having some sort of disaster, and my friend in Tampa the last time I heard from him he said the power was out where he was and I haven’t even heard from my friend in Sarasota, and even friends in West Virginia, Tennessee,and Alabama said they’re being hammered by the storm and have lights flickering and  power out,too! It’s a real bad motherf*cker! The Bible did warn though of increased natural disasters and unusual weather patterns in the Last Days  though….

Yesterday was also the 16th anniversary of 9/11, or the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in NYC and every year the Americans always make such a big deal of it; they really over-do it and make such a big thing over it, acting like they’re the only ones that ever get terrorist attacks and it was the worst thing ever and how dare they get attacked sort of thing, etc… when really it happens all the time all over the world and is a regular occurrance in countries in Europe, Africa,and the Middle East, but it happens one time like this USA and they act like they’re “special”, and it’s no wonder with all their Imperialist war-mongering they do all over the world, too, invading  and bombing other countries and such, pissing everyone off, what do they expect? They’re made alot of enemies…

F*ck My Pillow.

Screen Shot 09-10-17 at 08.45 AM This is my sequin pillow that you can rub in both directions to change it to silver or pink. I made it a swirling spiral pattern at first,and then I made a heart within a heart within a heart, and now this is my latest creation. I was inspired by my new swearword colouring book and I felt playful and fun so why not? Like I’ve said before, I have a twisted sense of humour. That’s why I find the outrageous and bawdy Jackass stunts hilariously funny. I think next I’ll try to make a hippo design on it and then after that I’m not sure but it’s fun trying out new ideas, it’s sort of like an art project, being creative with my pillow.

I got my fave. priest in church yesterday so I went to Confession, as it’s easier to confess to a priest I know well than to the new guy about my vibrator, which is intensely personal. He understood though and was sympathetic and said I’m under alot of stress I need to relieve and all I got for penance was one Hail Mary; I guess no one understands built up sexual frustration more than a priest, who hasn’t had sex in years himself either, so he knows exactly what I’m going thru. Hurricane Irma also tore thru Cuba wreaking destruction and it never fails; whenever I’ve been somewhere something bad always seems to happen to it shortly after I leave; it’s almost like I “curse” every place I go and leave my bad luck behind…..I’m sorry Cuba, I didn’t mean it, I love you!

I also found out that arsenic poisoning can cause bladder and kidney cancer as well,and my family thinks it’s humourous that I think I likely have cancer or I’m being poisoned based on my symptoms(which are identical) but I wonder what they’ll say later once if  it’s confirmed that I really do, and it must be either that or kidney stones; it has to be something causing my symptoms, incl. abdomenal pain, blood in urine, weight  loss, seizures,cough,etc.. I just hope that the CT scan clearly reveals what it is, that it can be seen,identified,and diagnosed  clearly; whether it’s kidney stones, tumours or cancer of some other sort, a blockage or twisting somewhere, an inflammation or rupture,aneurysm, hernia, etc. and if it doesn’t show anything abnormal in the organs then it must be poisoning……it has to be something… I also learned that the extreme sweating I have that I just  assumed was hot-flashes due to menopause is also a common symptom of cancer…..

I notice as well now that I’m declining my hubby is suddenly starting ramping up repairs and painting on the house, getting it ready to sell preparing for us to be able to move, and I recall him saying before he was going to kill me off to get the $$$$ to move… if he really is poisoning me I can just picture him rubbing his hands together gleefully plotting, saying, She’s deteriorating rapidly, the end is near, it shouldn’t be long now…. it makes me sick to think that he very well could be murdering me. They laugh and mock me, thinking I’m just being paranoid, but I wouldn’t put it past him; he hates me and wants me gone and even said he was poisoning me for my life insurance $$$$$ and it didn’t sound like he was joking,either…. just in case I really am dying soon I also decided to go to confession,too, because, well, you never know,and it’s best to be prepared, just in case. If I find out I am terminal though I hope to go to Jamaica before I die, and I want to see the Bob Marley Museum. I just hope I’m still well enough to travel….