The Riddle.

riddle My friend F (from grade 6) sent me this riddle the other night and of course it confused the hell out of me as I can’t do math and I can’t do riddles or puzzles. So then he decided to try posting it up on his Facebook to see if anyone else could figure it out and no one else could either(so I didn’t feel so dumb) and it turned out that only his own daughter(who is now in her first year taking engineering at the University of Toronto) was able to correctly solve it. He himself is also good at stuff like this because he’s an accountant and really smart, plus, he’s Chinese, and well, let’s face it, they just seem to naturally be smart at math.I, however, am the opposite, and I’m convinced that I must be missing the part of my brain that does math although my MRI results have never officially mentioned anything.

For fun I had my hubby(who is really smart as well as a nerd) and the genius 11 YR old( who’s in highschool) try it, thinking for sure they’ll be able to do it, but surprisingly even they couldn’t; it even stumped them and they got the answer wrong and then they spent like forever picking it apart, every single little detail, trying to figure out where they went wrong, trying to figure it out, once I showed them the answer and how to achieve it. My hubby kept complaining how it was stupid and dumb, etc. but that was only because he couldn’t figure it out and got it wrong and got stumped. He’s really arrogant like that; he usually gets everything right with little or no effort, so when he can’t figure something out he just can’t believe it, and he gets all huffy and indignant, whereas with me I’m used to it and, in fact, I’m surprised if I actually end up getting an answer right!

In case you wanted to try, here is the answer:

lol, give up?? .. red shoe =5 guy = 5 cone = 5 look closing on the last guy. he is wearing a pair of red shoes and holding 2 cones =1 red shoe + (1 guy + 2 red shoes + 2 cones) × 1 cone = 5+(5+(5×2)+(2×2))×2 =5+(5+10+4)×2 =5+(19)×2 =5+38 =43 final

Screenshot_1054 My poor sunflower is also dying. All the leaves are now brown, shrivelled up, dry, and crispy. As you can see it finally has the bud  but we’ve hardly had much sun lately even though I do leave it in the window in the diningroom where we get the most sunlight( it’s too cold to put it outside anymore, and we’re supposed to get 10-15 cm snow today and tomorrow too….boo…) and it’s also the room(as well as the livingroom) that has 8-10 feet ceiling, big enough for it, I’m thinking it’ll die before the bud ever has a chance to open, to blossom, to bloom; all for nothing.It got so close,almost there, and then dies just before it can open. Just like me. Dying before I ever got a chance to blossom, to shine, to achieve anything, to succeed, to be beautiful, to be happy, to find love,to have my moment in the sun,to live. I’ve always played by the rules, tried to do the right thing, tried to be a good person,been obedient to God, but all for nothing. Where has it gotten me? If this doesn’t sum up my life I don’t know what does.

I also heard somewhere that heart attacks the majority happen between 6 am and Noon so it got me thinking if that’s the way I’m going to die( which is entirely possible given my family history and my high BP and my grandmother died in her early 50’s of a heart attack) it’ll most likely be in the morning, and I take Buddy out for 2 (out of 4 daily) of his walks before Noon so the chances are that I might even have a heart attack during one of our walks(talk about embarrassing, dropping and laying sprawled out there in the middle of the street like that!)is high, and now every day during that time period I wonder if it’ll be the day it might happen and so I wait….and wait….and nothing….and then once Noon comes and goes without anything I think to myself, Well, I guess today’s not going to be the day then; or at least not by a heart attack, anyway….

My Gut.

Screenshot_991 Now the abdomenal and back pain is constant and increasing,pretty much daily now, and I’m nauseated alot,too, which is unusual for me,and my gut-feeling tells me that I have cancer, they just haven’t found it yet. My gut tells me it’s likely cervical cancer, although it may have also started elsewhere(such as the ovary) and spread to the cervix, but when I really go inside myself, when I really look deep, and ask my body to tell me what’s going on, what’s causing my symptoms(which have been going on for at least this past entire year now, if not longer) and why I continue to decline I just know deep down in my gut it’s cancer. The edema’s really bad the past few days as well, and so bad when I press down on my fingers, for example, it makes this deep dent that just stays there as an indented mark,squished in, what they call pitting of the skin in medical terms, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and on top of that my liver must be acting-up again too as I’m really itchy and the jaundice is back again as my skin colour looks yellow-ish. I feel like ugh!

It will be interesting to see how how my family will react though if it turns out I do have cancer, esp. if it’s terminal, which I suspect it most likely is, esp. since it’s beeen going on for so long and the pain is in so many places, like it must be pretty advanced and have spread, never a good sign. Maybe it’s even affecting my entire reproductive system; ovaries, uterus, cervix, and maybe even my rectum, colon, bladder, stomach,and liver as well? I bet they’ll rejoice,actually, Yay! We’ll finally be rid of her!!  plus with my life insurance they’ll also have $$$ to move. I also have this recurring dream lately too I’m in Heaven but I’m going to a formal dance the last day of a cruise with 2 of my highschool friends and I have to look for a dress, and I meet the Love Of My Life there, so maybe there really is a soulmate out there for me only I won’t meet him until eternity; my eternal companion?

BuddyXMas Here is Buddy in his new Christmas sweater the 17 YR old got him. Last year she also got him a Christmas elf one. He’s sick today as well and barfed 3 times but luckily it’s like a clear watery and mucus-y barf and he had a diarrhrea too but later on he started to eat so hopefully he’s starting to feel better, and the 24 YR old saw my sunflower drooping and wilting and remarked, It’s trying so hard to live…. and I told him, It’s a survivor, like me… we’ve both been thru so much and endured harsh conditions and have been in pretty bad shape and yet we continue to survive and defy the odds. The 11 YR old was also playing his Minecraft game and he goes about his character, Look how high I am right now! I can’t get any higher! and I chuckled to myself and thought, Kid, one can never get too high! 😀 Also the wildfires in California are getting dangerously close to our friends’ house; they can see the smoke practically just down their street! Any closer and they’re going to have to evacuate. I often wonder too if we still lived there if our old house would have been affected,too? It’s not even there anymore though; it and neighbours on both sides houses were torn down and an apartment has been put up since.

They also had the Silver Cross Mother on the news; a mother honoured who lost a military son. In this case he’d committed suicide after being in the army and serving in war destroyed him,and what I don’t get is why all these mothers can be recruited and brainwashed by the War Machine and be indoctrinated like that and be so pro-military when their sons have died, and for what? To invade another country and kill other people; to wage war. Why? That was their son’s life and it was lost, taken away, for nothing. Don’t give me any of that crap how he died for his country and protecting our freedoms, etc. It’s all bullshit. It was a waste. Where are these real mothers that cry and scream in rage at the senseless loss of a son, lost to unjust wars, militarism, nationalism, hate, division…..and for what? Why aren’t these mothers crying out for peace and an end to bloodshed and war? If I lost a child to combat I sure as hell would be protesting the military on Parliament Hill, NOT promoting them!!

First Snowfall.

Screenshot_867 We got our first snowfall! We got a dusting as you can see here and it was really coming down heavy,too, big fluffy flakes, not just light flurries, and it was a heavy packing snow, but in October? Buddy wasn’t too happy to see it,either, and when he stepped out in it for a walk he recoiled in horror, lifted up a paw and looked up at me with a stunned look as if he was thinking, What the f*ck, man? What is this? Where the hell did this come from? and he didn’t even want to go for a full walk; he just quickly did his thing and then turned around and pulled me to go back inside! The snow actually even stayed on the ground overnight into the morning but then it got milder and rained and washed it all away.

Good.

I also did Confession yesterday in church, asking forgiveness for the sins I’ve been accused of committing years ago even though I don’t remember ever actually doing any of it, and even question whether or not it even ever actually occurred, but if it did I feel really guilty, horrible, and badly, and need forgiveness, from God, from the accuser, and from myself, and the priest said that it’s only a sin and in need of forgiveness if I did it on purpose and was aware of it and did it willfully;  that you have to have intent in order for it to actually be a sin you need to be forgiven for, and if I didn’t even know, didn’t realize, and thought I did my best no sin was committed, and with my Asperger’s and bipolar it’s also not my fault; that I can’t help being what I am and it’s not fair for others(such as my family does) to hate me and blame me for things I can’t control, and like in the justic system with someone who committed a crime while insane God doesn’t hold you accountable unless you knew what you were doing and you were fully aware it was a sin but you did it anyway so that makes me feel better and I know God loves me and can see my heart and knows my intentions and that despite my repeated failures I  try, and I do the best with what I have and I do mean well; they just somehow always seem to come out wrong, get taken the wrong way,misunderstood,twisted around,  offend, annoy, push people away, appear rude or inconsiderate, etc. but that’s never my intention.

My hubby and the 17 YR old played a prank on me as well: the kids were late coming home from church in the morning yesterday( they don’t like going with me; I go in the evening, so they go in the morning) and I was getting worried so I called my hubby to see if he picked them up; if they were with him, and the 17 YR old answered the phone and had somehow altered her voice so it sounded like someone else and she said she just found the phone on the street; it was lost and she picked it up and asked who I was and don’t I want my phone back, asking for info,etc… but I suspected all along it was them and they were tricking me like they always do, and then she says do I want the phone or does she drop it off at the police so I just said to drop it off at the police and then I hung up. I thought that was that….

until….

They come home together awhile later and my hubby bursts thru the door looking somewhat panic-stricken and asks about his “missing phone” and I’m horrified and tell him what happened and I thought they were just pranking me but to call the number someone has it; they found it, so he “calls” and pretends to be talking to someone on the other end….and I’m freaking out thinking it’s actually real, all the while trying to explain to him why I didn’t believe it and hung up, thinking they were pranking me like they always do I didn’t believe it was real, that he actually did lose his phone so I guess this time the prank’s on him….. and then they all start laughing and he says the prank’s on me because it all was just a joke and he pulls out his phone to show me!  I seriously don’t know why they delight in always messing with me like that, and then they wonder why I’m crazy and losing my mind.

Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?

The Bud.

Screenshot_757 If you look carefully you can see my sole surviving sunflower has a tiny little flower bud starting to form in the middle! I can’t believe it!! Finally! After all this time! I still continue to water it daily and put it in the sun, although soon it’ll be too cold to put it outside anymore (yesterday we had an odd nice warm day, it was 15 C, and I was outside all day, most likely the last time now until spring, probably) and I’ll just have to place it in a sunbeam indoors, and even though it’s been months, since May, with no progress, I still refused to give up on it and kept waiting and tending to it…..and now look! Love, care, dedication, perseverance, and determination along with time has paid off. I hadn’t expected it and had resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to get a flower and was just continuing on caring for it until it eventually died and it surprised me!

Just when I least expected it!

At first I noticed there were little tiny hairs on the stem that weren’t there before but that sunflowers normally have so then I wondered if there might be any progress on a flower so I checked and lo and behold there it was! My mother told me to give up on it,that it was a lost cause and I’ll never get my sunflower, that I was just wasting my time….but maybe the lesson to be learned here is never give up. Keep trying. Sometimes things just take longer. Maybe it’s just a late bloomer, like I was, and it just takes it longer to mature than most; it goes on it’s own schedule and maybe I’ll end up having my sunflower for Christmas?…..or with my luck it’ll probably die before it ever even reaches the stage of full maturity and opens up, also just like me, dying before I ever get to bloom, or maybe, it’ll die the same day I do? We’re on this same journey together, struggling along, straggling, beaten down, fighting to survive, against the odds, almost making it but never quite getting there and then dying just before we have a chance to blossom….

or…. maybe, just maybe, for once something will actually go right and work out for me, and I’m not such a failure,afterall, and I will end up with a sunflower in the end eventually? As well, I also have stomach pain all day and feel nauseated and I’m just so tired of always feeling so crappy all the time yet no one ever seems to be able to find what’s wrong, and I feel better now too after talking to the oldest, who told me he and the 20 YR old are fine and the other kids are just messing with me again trying to upset me and get me worried. What kind of person does something like that though? It’s just not normal to go around intentionally hurting, breaking, freaking out and worrying people like that,and then enjoying watching their distress and panic. A nice, normal person would be supportive,caring, and undertsanding with someone’s anxiety and other issues  and would try to reassure them and not make up disturbing untruths to purposely trigger them and set them off.

I’m also not sure if it’s ironic, hypocritical, or a case of If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em: the gov’t used to arrest people for pot and yet here they are now legalizing it so that they can have a monopoly on the trade and hope to be the main dealer. They just want to get in on the profits and make a killing off of all the taxes it will rake in. Like everything else it does, it’s just a tax grab, a way to make $$$$ or to control, regulate and monopolize. It will be nice though to be able to smoke up freely, without having to hide in the shed.  I checked out the new gov’t weed website too and ordered some pre-rolled joints as I always have a hard time rolling them I’m so unco-ordinated. I was surprised it wasn’t slow, didn’t crash and wasn’t all sold out! It’s also my BFF’s birthday today too. We’ve been BFF’s ever since we were 12 and she’s known me longer than anyone and still stuck around and never got tired of me like everyone else eventually did. Happy Birthday!

Ganja Liberation Day!!

Screenshot_701 After being illegal for the past 95 years (other than medical marijuana being legal for 15 years, like what I have for the past 3 years now)  weed is now finally legal here in Canada! It has now finally, at long last, been legalized for recreational use. Even before this country was already one of the highest consumers of weed (we’re a nation of potheads, ha,ha) only it was underground so now the real only difference is that people will be more open about it and not so secretive, no longer having to hide from the police, but can now do it openly and not have to hide anymore. My hubby and the girls look down on me for my medical marijuana use though, even though it’s all but eliminated my migraines, that were so bad I’d generally have them pretty much daily, and lasting weeks on end, with my longest lasting for 33 days straight. Weed has been a lifesaver for me and there’s no way I’d ever go back tot he suffering and torture I had with my migraines like I had before.

My family acts like I’m some sort of junkie though, like some kind of crack addict or something, even though I don’t even take my prescribed daily dose, which is 2 gm, because I can’t afford it; I don’t have the $$$$$ to be able to take it that often or to buy that much, so I ration it and make do with less taking a much lower, less frequent amount, but I have been prescribed 2 gm daily, spread out twice a day, the equal of 2 joints daily. Then the question remains: what is the difference though, between an addiction and a habit or routine? How can you tell if one is addicted or if it’s just a part of your daily routine, such as with any other daily prescribed medication you take, or even vitamins; you take them every day, and you depend on them and need them, in order to stay healthy and yet no one accuses you of being an addict or a junkie, yet once that medication is marijuana everyone suddenly gets all judgemental…

I’m also utterly lost and confused that for the past 2 years or so all 5 of the girls have all been shunning, blacklisting and ignoring the Edmonton Boys (the oldest, who just turned 29 yesterday, and the 20 year old) and yet when I ask no one will tell me why or give me an answer. They’re their brothers and yet they’ve shut them out of their lives completely and don’t even talk to them…..but why? There must be a reason, but when I ask they won’t tell me saying they don’t remember, it doesn’t matter, or when I ask one of them they’ll tell me to go ask the other and vice-versa, so no one’s telling me anything, and the only hint might be is the 17 YR old said they use and sell drugs so we don’t associate with them and they’re “beneath” us,  and the 23 YR old said they put up a SnapChat video of them snorting Ketamine, which is a horse tranquilizer and is used in anesthesia during surgery… and then he said the oldest’s been selling drugs since he was in highschool and then chided me for how could you not have noticed or known? and when I said I had no idea he goes, That’s because you didn’t ask…. except I do ask…..but nobody ever tells me anything! He criticized me for “not noticing” but if nothing looks suspicious why would I and if they’re good at hiding, keeping secrets,sneaking around, and covering for one another how would I notice or have any idea that anything was wrong? I’m not a mind reader, afterall! Excuse me for trusting my kids when I never thought there was any reason not to.

Until now that is.

So then there’s also this: what’s true and what’s not. The kids also have a history of causing drama, of causing trouble, of making up stories, holding grudges, making big things out of little things, playing mind-games with me, playing on my worries,setting eachother up,lying….is any of that even true, about the drugs I mean, and is that why they’ve shut them out of their lives, or was it just over some stupid little disagreement or something and they’re holding a grudge? My mother wonders if maybe they’re gay or something but even if so that’s still no reason to dis-own them and cut them out of their lives and social circle, so I wonder what it could be? Did someone do something so bad ( I can’t imagine what, like stealing or something maybe?) that got them banished, or was it all just a stupid misunderstanding of some sort, or an over-reaction, a dumb grudge, did they have a fight, take “sides” over some issue that divides them, or what? All the 15 YR old would say is it’s sibling stuff.

It bothers me though how they’ve just cut them out of their lives like that, and not even telling me why; I wish they’d just make up and make peace and end their feud, whatever caused it. The 23 YR old said I need to work on my relationships and that’s true as due to my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia I know I don’t relate to, connect with, bond with, socialize well, etc. with people easily, well, and can appear distant but I do still care and it makes me sad to see that some of my kids are feuding and shunning others.It hurts me as well that they always keep stuff from me, even important stuff, even though I am the mother and I do have the right to know what my kids are up to and esp. if anyone is struggling in any way and needs help, like with the 15 and 20 year olds when they went thru their mental health crisis; the other kids knew but no one told us, delaying treatment. Their UsVSThem mentality can be very harmful.

Ovarian Cyst.

Screenshot_699 Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound to see if they can find the cause of my abdomenal pain and as soon as the tech put the wand on my belly and saw something she asked me if I would mind doing a trans-vaginal scan(the one where the wand is shoved up my you-know-what) as it shows a more clearer detailed image  and when I asked her what part she’s looking at she said the cyst on my ovary. So there you have it. That must be it. That must be the issue, what’s been causing my abdomenal pain and maybe even my really sore lower back as well, maybe it’s grown and gotten bigger in size and is pressing on other organs now, or maybe it’s twisting at times, or maybe it’s not even a mere cyst anymore and has become a cancerous tumour now? Maybe I have ovarian cancer?

The entire scan was focused solely on the cyst as well, whereas originally I thought it was of the pelvic organs in general, so they must have found something and they said my doctor gets the results in about a week. As I inserted the wand into my yoo-hoo and the tech was twisting and turning it around I also cracked, This is the most action I’ve had in years! and she started cracking up laughing. At least if it does turn out to be the cyst or a tumour, on my ovary(and she said it is on the right side,too, where my pain is) it’s easy enough to fix: just remove it!

I think I may have had seizures again overnight last night as I was sleeping as well as I kept waking up during the night due to a massive headache I first had at 1 am but also every time I’d awaken I remember my arms and legs and muscles were all rigid and stiff,too, as if I was just coming out of a seizure, which might also explain why I kept waking up and why I’m so tired all day today,and maybe also the reason for the bad headache? My hubby also likes to mock my religious beliefs and faith and he also taunts that I’m not a “good” Christian and I won’t make it to Heaven and I don’t obey God because I have tattoos, use medical marijuana, and wear two different fabrics at the same time, and uses all kinds of silly little nit-picking “technicalities” to try and prove I’m not following the Bible, but who is he to say, or to judge, though? He doesn’t even go to church, hasn’t been to Confession in years, and doesn’t even give a shit about God and religion, so what “qualifications” does he have to judge anyone or to say who gets in to Heaven,anyway?

As well, the 17 YR old left her tacos in the microwave  after they were done and I needed to use it so I just took them out and placed them on the counter beside the microwave and then she gets all bitchy and snarky and huffs that now it’s all contaminated and ruined because I touched it and that I’m disgusting and now she has to throw it out, and goes on and on, as if I have cooties, or leprosy, or something, like I’m a leper, or one of the Untouchables, like in the Bible when a leper approaches a camp and the people shield their faces,backing away and shout, Unclean! Unclean! Why are they so mean to me though? What exactly is their problem? Maybe it simply comes down to this: they’re just mean people and I’m an easy target.Or maybe my kids just suck?

Tomorrow recreational marijuana is legalized as well and so I will expect a haze of smoke wafting over the entire country in celebration as we celebrate accordingly….Peter Tosh would have been so happy.