Liar, Liar.

PantsOnFire Remember that little rhyme from when we were kids: Liar, liar, pants on fire? That’s what was going thru my head today: last night I was looking out my bedroom window at 10 pm when I was up in bed as 2 police cars were across the street(and going from house to house with flashlights peeking in backyards) and some neighbours were loudly setting off fireworks( which made poor Buddy go ape-shit; he was shaking and scared and kept whimpering and hid under the bed) so I looked out my window to see what was going on(because I’m nosey like that) and I also happened to see at the same time the 16 YR old coming home from work walking home alone by herself in the dark at night which she knows isn’t safe and she isn’t allowed to do.She either gets a ride or the 23 YR old walks her at night.

Now normally my hubby picks her up but he decided last night for some reason he’d rather go see a movie than pick her up and she wasn’t able to get a ride home with anyone so she walked, even though she should have called a taxi as it’s just not safe for a female to be walking alone at night; you can get raped or killed….and when I confronted  them today about what I saw he told me that she told him she got a ride home last night, which was an obvious lie as I saw her with my own eyes walking alone, and when I asked her she told me that she never told him that; that he’s making it up….so either way someone is obviously lying and they both are compulsive liars I have caught lying many times before so now the dilemma is which one to believe? Which one is lying this time? Who is telling the truth? There’s no way to know since they both are known for lying and due to it I can’t trust or believe either one. That’s the thing with liars: once someone lies to you, you never believe them again.

This time, however, I have a “feeling” that it’s the 16 YR old that’s lying; she probably just told him she got a ride home so she wouldn’t get in trouble for walking home alone when she knows she’s not supposed to. Now she also has emergency taxi $$$$ in her purse to carry with her at all times as well from now on in case something similar happens again and she doesn’t have a ride; if for some reason she ends up stranded somewhere, whether at work or if out anywhere, with friends or whatever; if my hubby can’t pick her up for some reason, an emergency or whatever, and no one else can get her, or if the friend she’s with they have a fight or something and she gets ditched or if the driver’s been drinking, or whatever; it’s best to have the emergency $$$$ in case she has to call a taxi. She also doesn’t see the big deal or why I was so mad but I just want her to be safe and also one thing I won’t tolerate is lying.

MarkleDress The Royal Wedding between Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was yesterday as well and although I didn’t watch it I was still eager to see her gown and I was disappointed that it was so plain, so simple.(My mother said it looked like a bedsheet) I was expecting something fancy(esp. for a Royal wedding) like with beads, pearls, sequins, lace, etc. on it, with intricate beading and detail and it was just so …blah… I was surprised and let-down. I expected alot more. I think Kate’s gown was nicer, but my fave. was Princess Diana’s; now she had a really gorgeous gown! Generally I’m not into the Royals but I have to admit I’d take a few peeks here and there and keep up on wedding details(although in secret as my hubby would make fun of me) as it is kind of fun to be a part of the excitement, and besides, weddings are big events for girls and we always love discussing the dress, and who doesn’t love a good love story, and a fairy-tale wedding where the girl marries her prince, am I right? ♥

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Is THAT How Normal People Do It?

BNormal Reading my Facebook friends’ accounts of their Mother’s Day celebrations with their families  such as getting cards, flowers, gifts etc. from their kids, phone calls, getting taken out to brunch or dinner, going sailing, being celebrated and told how they’re loved, having meals prepared for them, breakfast in bed, home-made treats, thoughtful gifts and gestures, signs of love, etc. made me say aloud to myself, Is that how normal people do it? ( to redeem himself though, yesterday the 23 year old did finally wish me a belated Happy Mother’s Day and gave me a hug; he said he got the days mixed up and thought it was yesterday) which is something I often find myself saying, thinking, or wondering,often aloud. I compare my crazy dysfunctional, f*cked up family to other people, Is THAT  what normal people do? Is THAT how normal families are? Is THAT what normal people say? Is THAT how normal people are? etc. You get the idea. It always surprises me how completely different other families and other people are from us, how different the dynamics are, how differently they function, how differently they relate to eachother, how differently they do things, how differently they live, and it always leaves me feeling lacking, a loss, a sadness, a longing, and a yearning for the love, encouragement, support, validation, praise, acceptance, inclusion, kindness, belonging, compassion, understanding, security, closeness, bond, and unity I don’t have with my own family.

As well, the 11 YR old finally beat the 15 YR old at a certain video game so it’s now officially been decreed by all the kids that he’s now a Main Character(and no longer a Dog)…yeah…..don’t ask…..I’m not even entirely sure,either; it’s just one of those things my crazy family does…he passed his Main Character Test…. and for the past 3 days I’ve been on IB Gard, which is  a natural formula for IBS, mainly concentrated peppermint  oil that soothes and eases out the kinks and spasms in the abdomen and it seems to be working: I haven’t had the abdomenal pain since and as soon as I notice it flaring up or cramps beginning I take 2 pills and it lets up, so we’ll see, but it looks hopeful….yes, yes. yes…. I have a nice, deep dark tan now as well being outside every day and feeling the warm sun on your face is the best feeling in the world.It’s a gift from God, and it’s free!

Screenshot_566 My Facebook friend in Brazil’s baby also turned 2. Here she is. She’s just so cute. She just keeps getting cuter and cuter all the time. I just had to post this. I can’t believe she’s 2 already. Can you believe she had her when she was like 45 or 46? I also decided that sometimes you just have to live in the moment and those are the best memories, and Buddy woke me up during the night last night,too, furiously pawing at my face and whimpering, and I remember I was coughing so I wonder if I was maybe having a seizure in my sleep again and stopped breathing or something(or choking on a feather from my pillow, perhaps?) and he was trying to revive me, knowing something was wrong? I just love that dog so much. God knew exactly what I needed when He sent him to me. He’s my best friend and my co-pilot in life. Everyone needs someone to walk beside them along the road in life, like Paul had Silas; I have Buddy. He walks along beside me in my journey and is my right-hand man. There’s always a spot for him next to me.

I also had this scary nightmare that the volcano in Hawaii on the news the entire thing blows, and not only that but the entire chain of volcanoes along the Ring Of Fire along the Pacific Coast erupts, and the rumbling during the eruptions then causing massive earthquakes and tsunamis and flooding, decimating the coastlines all along Asia, Australia, and North and South America,; it was catastrophic, like we’ve never seen before, like in one of those doomsday end-of-the-world movies.It was horrible, countries sinking into the ocean, and all those people, millions and millions of people…

Scleroderma?

scleroderma I came across a news article about a guy that had scleroderma and he was scared as it will eventually lead to death from multiple organ failure and his GF scolded him for “overdoing” it and was tired of hearing about his medical issues etc(like how my hubby treats me). and she was advised to be more compassionate…..and then I read the symptoms…oh, my God….it sounds like what  have….. all my mysterious symptoms all lumped into one…. so then I started to wonder if maybe this could be it….could this possibly be the answer? Could this maybe be the cause; what I have?

Scleroderma is an auto-immune disease of the connective tissues  and the body makes too much collagen which not only affects the skin and causes blistering and open sores exactly like the ones I had on my feet and arm and pink and brown “blotchy”  patches of skin just like I have on my head, forehead and neck but also grow on major organs, causing failure, esp. the liver, lungs, kidneys, digestive tract and affect the heart…the same organs I have issue with. It’s also most common in middle-age women. The thing is there’s no cure, just medications to cope with the symptoms and usually you die within 10 years of onset, and I know I’ve had the blotchy thing on my forehead for a few years now.

I’ll mention it to the gastro doc when I see him next, supposed to be this month but I haven’t heard back so I called his office to book an app’t esp.(but it was just the machine so I left a message but no call back yet) as the stomach and abdomenal pain has gotten sooooo bad now ( 8 /10 on the pain scale and going beyond my tolerance point now) every day it’s unbearable(and now Aunt Flow also showed up, 4 days late, so op TOP of that now I have cramps,too!) I want to find out what’s causing me all this endless, daily, agonizing pain.

The 11 YR old was also teasing Buddy endlessly again like he always does and making him bark and then the poor dog gets in trouble for barking and I told them both to quit it and he got really mad and told me, Go kill yourself! That kid truly needs help yet my mother and hubby dismiss it as he’s  just playing with the dog even though he’s clearing teasing him and there’s a difference and the things he says are just downright disturbing but of course no one ever takes anything I say seriously.

Raining Mice.

mice How’s this for bizarre? The 23 YR old, 16 YR old,and 14 YR old were hanging around at the side of the house when I suddenly heard this shrill God-awful scream of bloody murder: it turned out it was the 16 YR old; she was standing near the wall when 4 grey baby mice just descended on her, literally rained down on her, from either the roof or the wall( and there were some clinging onto the side of the house when I got there to see) plopping on her head and landing at her feet, scurrying over her feet and she just freaked out. The next thing I know they were calling me to come catch them as they’re too “scared” to so I grabbed garden gloves and set out to work and when I saw one clinging to the wall I said, Oooh, it’s just a baby! It’s soooo cute!  and tried to gently grab it by the tail( the same way I always catch mice) but much to my surprise the little f*cker leaped off to an incredible distance away, like a flying squirrel, landing on the ground far off and scampered into a hole in the steps; I never knew they could do that; I mean, that sucker can really jump, it was practically airborne!

My sunburn is also peeling now and I feel like a snake shedding it’s skin, and my bloodwork I had done the other day came back(I check my results online) and my liver enzymes are flagged again and are high so maybe my bad “stomach” pain recently isn’t my ulcer back afterall, maybe it’s my liver? I also always feel cold all the time, and have chills and am always shivering, even when it’s nice and warm, even when it’s 17 C. Buddy’s also anxious, agitated, and seems worried and out of sorts: he keeps licking my face, whimpering,and scratching my leg, almost as if he can sense something…

The 16 YR old also got a call from a teen boy who works at the same grocery store she does and he asked her to switch shifts so they’d be on the same shift….he likes her…which I think is sweet, but he happens to be Black and she’s all like ewwww…. being racist and mean.If it were me first of all I’d be happy and flattered that a boy was even interested in me(esp. since they never are) and I’d date anyone that was nice, regardless of race, colour, ethnic background, or religion. We don’t allow the kids to date until they’re 18 anyway and finished high school but I think it was cute how he likes her.

The attack in Toronto on Yonge St. is also the same area the second-oldest lives and works but luckily she wasn’t walking there at the time of the attack, and I was born and raised there too and every weekend my friends and I would always walk down Yonge St.(which used to be really “seedy” back then) to gawk at the freaks that used to frequent the area back in the 80’s, like the crazy people that would talk to themselves out loud, the “bag ladies”, the junkies,the hookers and pimps, or the punks with the spiky blue dyed Mohawk hair( it’s more mainstream now but then it was an oddity) the Hare Krishnas( they’d give out free food) etc. It just goes to show that terrorism can occur anywhere( and it’s racist that since the attacker isn’t Muslim they’re NOT calling it a terrorist attack even though terrorism is defined by the act you commit, no matter who you are, and not by what religion you are) and that nowhere is really safe.

420.

420 HAPPY 420! Today is the day to celebrate one of God’s greatest gifts, creations, and blessings: weed! It’s my fave. herb and plant. I didn’t discover it until I was 48; let’s just say I was a late bloomer. I had always thought it was for bad people, but then when it was suggested to me it will alleviate my killer migraines I decided to try it as I was desperate and nothing else worked; even my migraine medication was no longer preventing them anymore….and it worked wonders. In the past 3 years I’ve only had like 2 or 3 of them, when it used to be pretty much a daily occurrance and the longest one I’ve had was 33 days straight. It was brutal and in the process I also found that weed helps other pain as well, and also helps with my depression, and lifts my spirits, opens my mind, allows me to go deep into my spiritual self and access a part of my inner consciousness I normally don’t have access to.

So today I will celebrate accordingly. I will light one up, sitting out on the porch in the backyard, enjoying a Big Fatty. I have a bit of dried weed left I’ve saved up to roll into a glorious joint just for today(and I still have the cannabis oil) and I will get lit and spark up along with millions of others, celebrating the love of ganja.

As well, the 16 YR old was able to find out the puppies have arrived: 3 girls and 1 boy but one of the girls was stillborn. Buddy’s officially a dad! Patti still never  posted any photos of them though, so do they really even exist, or what? Something about this whole thing just seems “off”…. I want to see what they look like though ( and “pirate” a picture for this blog) so hopefully she’ll have photos up soon….

Echo.

echocardiogram I had my echocardiogram and at first I was worried with the weather it would be cancelled( all school buses here were cancelled and in some places even the actual schools were cancelled) or that we wouldn’t be able to open the van as it had been all frozen over with freezing rain/ice and we couldn’t even open the door but luckily it ended up ok. Over the weekend total we got 10 cm snow and 30 mm freezing rain and then yesterday 30 mm of rain(and flooding) and today it’s supposed to snow! I’m so sick of this shit and have had enough.

I’m glad the technician doing the scan( which is basically an ultrasound of the heart) was a woman and not a dude as my left boob was hanging out of the gown for access and we were talking too and Buddy and the puppies were mentioned and she asked if I chose the fee or a puppy for the stud fee, so I am entitled to it and it is the customary thing to do, and she agreed it was “despicable” and “horrible” the way Patti treated me. The scan itself took 30 minutes and results in about a week.

I had these dreams last night as well: one that Buddy gave birth to the pups (I know that’s one of my dreams that’s NOT going to end up happening in real life!) and another where the hospital calls me and tells me I have to come in right away and be admitted, and to pack a bag; something to do with one of my test results, and it’s implied that I need emergency surgery,and in another I wake up in the hospital after being unconscious for  what appeared to be several hours and I had no memory of what happened and it turned out I had some sort of tumour in my head….

purpleBuzzcut2 I also saw this funky hairstyle(here and below) and I just love it and had to put it here. It’s a buzz-cut dyed purple with a flower design shaved into it and then an iridescent mousse rubbed into it.

purpleBuzzcut3 I would so love to get this, but the problem is being so short(and being cut every 1-2 weeks) the style would quickly grow out as well as the colour and would to always keep being re-done. Speaking of colour, I dyed my buzz-cut blonde as I was sick and tired of looking at all the grey.The 14 YR old’s also been sick for 3 days and I have really bad heartburn and for the past 3-4 days my stomach pain is back again and bad again(and my ears still throb and hurt,too) even though the meds for my ulcer had been working…. I wonder if maybe it’s not my gastric ulcer back again like I assumed and maybe stomach cancer or something? Having had the ulcer doubles my chance of getting stomach cancer…

I realized as well that all of my dreams ended in failure: my dream to move to L.A; we did move there but due to all the crime we couldn’t stay and ended up moving back, and my dream to find my True Love and marry for love…except none of the guys I ever liked liked me back and so I ended up lowering my standards and settling for the only one that showed the slightest interest in me, and look what I ended up with; someone who doesn’t give a shit about me and emotionally and psychologically abuses me, and I always dreamed of having kids too and I did but it wasn’t anything like I’d hoped, thought, or expected; I had no idea it would be nothing but trauma, fear, stress, and worry; that I wouldn’t get any satisfaction; just grief, and that they’d end up hating me.

I also realized that I never should take my mother’s advice. I always used to ask her opinion and seek her advice, for guidance, what should I do, and another opinion, and such but now see what a mistake that was as she always only ever makes things worse and her advice is always the wrong advice and has bad, and even almost deadly consequences, had I not ignored her and followed my own instincts instead. For example, when the 23 YR old was a newborn was always so scrawny he looked like a plucked chicken,slept more than usual, had a weak cry, and I had to always wake him up to feed him and he was hardly peeing and I was worried he wasn’t getting enough to eat(and you can’t measure breastmilk like you can with a bottle) and my mother said not to worry, he’s small and so are his pees but I knew better; he should have been soaking diapers, so I had a nurse come in and check him and she weighed him and he kept losing weight and she said he was starving and dehydrated,not getting enough milk, and I had to supplement with formula and then he started to gain weight. He would have died if I’d listened to her and followed her advice, and then with the now 20 YR old when he was 7 I had this nagging feeling he had leukemia even though he didn’t have the typical symptoms and she brushed it off as I was just being a worried mother….. but it turned out I was right and I decided, against her judgement, to take him to the hospital,where they said he only had a few days left to live…..Oh, my God, he would have died if I hadn’t gone with my gut, and then there’s Patti; against my better judgement I mentioned the stud fee to her like my mother kept pressuring me to do and she went ape-shit on me and I think that was the beginning of the end of our friendship right there. Now I’ve learned to follow my own promptings and ignore her as she only leads me the wrong way.

Ice Storm.

icestorm We had a really bad ice storm over the weekend. It was brutal. It looks like snow on the ground but it’s really actually an accumulation of frozen ice pellets. We got freezing rain and then ice pellets which today is supposed to turn to heavy rain,causing flooding. It was so bad that advisories were issued and people were told to hunker down indoors and not drive anywhere and power was out, trees were down, wires were down, and we had hurricane-force winds along with it. So much for spring! What happened to April?

15April2018 This is the front of our street, seen from the veranda. It doesn’t look like the middle of April, does it?Everything was closed due to the ice storm as well, all activities, even the churches were closed so I never had Mass yesterday; everyone just had a quiet day at home, confined to the house, no one going anywhere, but it was actually kind of nice, to take a day off from the world, from life, to just stay at home and not have to go anywhere or do anything. My cousin also said her country club was closed, and even in Toronto the streetcars were down as the tracks were all covered in ice and frozen. As for us, the storm tore off our eavestrough and it went flying over the fence and ended up at the side of the house on the other side, and it also tore off our screen door which fell onto a chair and broke it in half on the backyard porch and broke off more of our fence,too.

When the 11 YR old was being annoying and I told him to go to another room he also snarled at me, Go die(imagine how he’d feel though if I actually did and he’d have to carry that with him for the rest of his life?) and the 16 YR old found out from Patti’s Facebook that her dog’s actually expecting 4 puppies, not 3, and they’re due next week, so Buddy’s going to be a father of 4, and it’s weird though how she’s never posed any “belly shots” of her dog prego and it makes me wonder if she really even is, or if she’s just maybe making the whole thing up…The girls also asked me if white priveledge is real and I told them that sadly, yes, it is, even though most white people will deny it, and I had a dream a dreamboat asked me to a gala as well that was formal and I felt like Cinderella at the ball and said, I never want this night to ever end… and it turned out to be the best day of my life.He was so kind and charming as well that he made me feel beautiful,for the first time ever, which I’ve never felt in my entire life.