Anti-Christ?

Screen Shot 08-19-17 at 08.25 AM 001 With US President Trump acting like he’s an emperor, defending white supremacists, supporting Confederate symbols(which symbolize hate, racism, slavery,and oppression) and hating Muslims, Mexicans, immigrants, etc. and almost provoking a nuclear war with North Korea it got me wondering: I wonder if he maybe made a deal with the Devil and that’s how he got elected, against all odds, and that he’s perhaps even the Anti-Christ? He’s certainly causing enough division, strife, hate,political unrest, and chaos, the exact thing that delights Satan, so perhaps he really is one of his minions, that he really did sell his soul to the devil? It really wouldn’t surprise me, esp. since I heard people that knew him previously said that he wasn’t like that before and that this isn’t the person they once knew…. absolute power corrupts absolutely…. how much more will this dickhead have to possibly do before they finally impeach him? Everyone’s also either quitting or getting fired left, right,and centre that works for him and it’s only been a few months he’s been in office and already look at all the trouble he’s caused….

I also think I figured out where I got Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty from: perhaps it’s my Heavenly name, and I am a child of God, a daughter of the King, and the King’s daughter would be a princess! A butterfly also landed on me and it happens alot; I think I must attract them, and I finally got to see our new priest and he’s 32 and a nice-looking Italian guy, I’m hoping as well maybe I’ll die tomorrow, the day of the solar eclipse, so I can go out in style, with a bang, at a memorable date, and often lately it seems that it’s close and the Other Side is so close I can almost reach out and touch it. Yesterday on weed I also noticed as I was going into another dimension my hearing aid was picking up another frequency and I heard a high-pitched sound and started to feel “funny”, like I was floating away and Buddy could sense it too and he kept pawing at me and whining.

The 18 YR old’s BF was also hit by a car riding his bike! He didn’t have lights or reflectors on his bike and he was riding on an unlit country road at night (not exactly the smartest idea) and the car didn’t see him and hit him and knocked him off his bike and ran over his leg and broke it….he’s lucky that’s all that happened to him….hopefully now he has lights on his bike, and I hope he was wearing a helmet! Holy shit! I still remember one of the oldest’s friends when he was 12 was hit by a car riding his bike and almost died and had to be revived a couple of times. He was in really bad shape. It was horrific, and he was in the hospital a long time, but he survived, and now he’s married and has a baby!

My mother also cruelly taunted me that while I’m away all day at the Ex they’ll be having Butter chicken for dinner, my fave. food and I won’t get any, which I thought was really mean; mean to have it on a day I’m not there so I miss out when she knows it’s my fave, and then even meaner to tell me! Why did she have to go and do that for,and then to tell me, just to get me upset? Then when I did get upset and told her that was a mean thing to say and do she snarked, and if you don’t shut up about it you won’t get any next time,either! and then her and my hubby berate me for having a hissy-fit. Yup, that’s right, she’s the one being mean and purposely brings up something solely with the intention to get me mad when she never had to say anything at all yet it’s my fault for getting  upset? The 16 YR old also threatened to shave Buddy bald when I’m gone,too.  I hate my family.

I think more and more my hubby is slowly poisoning me as well. I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve lost a massive amount of weight in the past 6 months ( 50 pounds!) without dieting or trying in any way, and I still continue to lose weight at an alarming rate, and I have other symptoms( I Googled it) of poisoning for months ,too, incl. seizures, abdomenal pain, headaches, dizziness, extreme fatigue, liver and kidney issues, confusion(like in church today I thought the people behind me were speaking French when it was actually English and one time the 18 YR old was talking I couldn’t understand her; it sounded like jibberish) nausea,lethargy, coughing, etc… and he even said before that he was going to kill me off for my life insurance $$$$ and I don’t think he was joking,either…..so just in case I do die sometime soon, have them check for poisoning. He must be either slipping it into my Diet Pepsi or my cannabis oil, and when I confronted him about it he accused me of poisoning myself and setting him up for it, which, I can assure you, I am not. It just makes me wonder,and he does hate me and wants me gone, plus this way they’d have $$$$ to move(and get a house with one less bedroom too with me gone) and be rid of me at the same time…..so…..they’d be better off without me too and I’d also finally be free….I’d rather not be murdered though and if he is, I hope he doesn’t get away with it! Is he up to something….or has he just made me paranoid? Look what he’s done to me……  😦

 

 

The Black Walnut Tree.

Screen Shot 08-16-17 at 08.08 PM This is the story of the black walnut tree. It’s just a little baby black walnut tree and it’s in our backyard. It’s only about 2-3 years old but I noticed that this summer it’s really getting so much bigger all of a sudden.  Now it’s almost as tall as our three storey house! It wasn’t there originally though, and we never planted it, so what I’m pretty sure happened is that one fall a squirrel must have buried a nut in the ground and forgot about it or got killed and never came back for it or whatever, and the conditions were right in the soil and it took and started to grow…and over time it just got bigger….and bigger….and bigger….

I think it’s kind of neat to watch this tree grow and progress right from the beginning, from a little tiny sapling,and in time it will bear fruit ( usually at age 4-6 years old) and will bloom and blossom into this massive gigantic tree but I don’t think I’ll ever get to see it though as I’ve always thought I’d die by 50 (and I’m just 50 this year so it’ll likely be sometime within the next few months) and even if not they’re talking about moving in the next year or two anyway, so I probably won’t get the chance to be able to see it grow into maturity. A similar experience I had before was with the peach tree we had at our first Ottawa house; the owner’s daughter had planted it and the year we moved out was the first time it bore fruit. Of course. (and our apple tree at our last Ottawa house was  knocked over and died in an ice storm the first year it bore fruit,too!)

I also saw a blog I read they put their house up for sale for a million 695, 000, and that’s American so it would probably be something like 3 million $$$ in our money with the exchange, and I heard on the news too the price for an average detached 3 bedroom house in Toronto now is over a million $$$(and they may not necessarily even have a garage or even a driveway) and you have to earn on average 200 000$ a year to be able to afford it, with an average cost of close to 5000$ a month between mortgage payments and utilities! Holy shit! Buddy and I were out the front as well and saw an argument at the Drug Den at the corner; 3 thuggish-looking young guys came running out with this really fat shirtless guy running out after them, his belly jiggling, reminding me of Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers  movies, yelling, Get outta here! and they’d keep stopping and looking back behind them,and I was worried someone would start beating up on someone or even pull out a gun or something…..maybe they ripped the drug dealer off and stole it or something, who knows….I wouldn’t be surprised if in the middle of the night there’s a drive-by shooting at his house, or a Molotov thrown thru his window, an explosion, or his house torched or something…my mother also actually saw an actual transaction the other day,too; she saw someone handing something over, exchanging something for $$$$$.

The 18 YR old’s also back from Cadets camp now and she has Strep throat,too, and she works for a couple of weeks and then she’s off to Ottawa for school, and now asshole Trump is upset that Confederate flags and statues are being taken down, saying You can’t change history,and you can’t, but you also don’t have to memorialize and commemmorate a period in history associated with hate, bigotry, discrimination, slavery, oppression, and racism, either, it would be the same as flying the Nazi flag with the swastika on it, or having a statue of Hitler; not something in history that you want to honour and glorify! I also stand up for Muslims and North Korea because no one else will and I was that kid in school that was always bullied and no one stood up for me so now I’m going to be that person.

I also wonder too if the upcoming solar eclipse might be a portent of some sort, a harbinger, of a prophecy, perhaps, such as Jesus’ return, or maybe of the Apocalypse, Judgement Day, The Tribulation, WWIII….who knows? It’s odd as well how the area it hits most seems to cut the USA right in half, along a division, and I don’t know if that’s symbolic or not, and it was 100 years ago since we had the last one like this, and it was almost 100 years ago since WWI ended…it just makes me wonder…it seems kind of eerie…. there’s also this upcoming boxing match I keep hearing about and I have no idea who it is as I don’t follow that stuff but apparantly it’s some long-time champion VS an under-dog so I automatically am rooting for the under-dog because that’s me; I’ve always been the under-dog, and because no one ever roots for the under-dog so whoever he is, I hope that he wins.

War Games.

Screen Shot 08-14-17 at 07.21 PM We live near an airforce base so it’s common to see various aircraft flying above overhead frequently, several times a day, esp. as it nears the end of the month, I suspect as the pilots scramble to get in the required number of hours of flying time in for the month, and we commonly see big cargo planes, government jets, rescue helicopters, and the CF-18 fighter jets. The CF-18’s we usually see about twice a month,and those things are soooo loud as they go screaming across the sky that I can even still hear them when I’m in the deep end of the pool, 9 feet underwater!

For the past 4 days or so, however, I’ve been seeing the CF-18’s flying by overhead every day, and yesterday it was even twice, and they always go by in twos; first one will zip past and within mere seconds the second one will come screeching by. It made me wonder: is there perhaps something seriously going on behind closed doors perhaps about USA and it’s threat with war on North Korea and that’s why the fighter jets here have suddenly become more active lately? USA is this country’s closest ally, so maybe the military here has also been put on “notice” just in case and they’re doing extra practice and training, preparing in case they do have to end up going over there to aid the Americans? Oh, God, I hope not, but you never know, and this country is notorious for kissing America’s ass, and this sudden flurry of activity with the military jets just makes me wonder what’s going on…..holy shit….

I also like China’s approach to the situation with North Korea. China is their ally, but they warned them that if they attack USA first then they’re on their own and China’s not going to help them, but if they’re attacked first then they will help them, which I think is fair and reasonable; don’t help the oppressor and aggressor, but stand up for and defend the one being bullied. I notice too how the attack in Virginia( where the deranged f*cker drove his car into a crowd of protesters at a white supremacist rally, killing one and injuring several more) wasn’t ever labelled terrorism, even though it clearly was a terrorist act, as terrorism is basically defined as committing an act of violence and killing innocent people on behalf of a political or ideological cause or agenda, and white supremacy, neo-Nazism qualifies as a political cause, but because the guy wasn’t a Muslim, or brown, or a foreigner, they didn’t call it terrorism, even though it still was, but terrorists can come from anywhere,and extremists and radicals come from all races, religions, colours, countries, etc… incl. home-grown white Americans!

As well, I have a feeling my old friends J and F are dead now; it’s been years since I’ve seen them or heard from them but lately for the past few days I keep having dreams about them and visiting them in my dreams, just like I often do with other people that have died, such as my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, it’s like the “veil” between this world and the next is “thinner” when your brain is in that dimension, the deep sleep cycle, and that’s when they can contact you and you can meet them on the same “frequency”, so it makes me wonder if perhaps they really are dead now…..or maybe I was just simply dreaming about them….but why all of a sudden, and so frequently? I got the impression that they were in Heaven and I was talking with them and they were telling me that they were waiting for me and that it won’t be too long now and they’ll see me soon…

I also got my pills from the pharmacy and the 16 YR old cruelly snarled about me that I get my hands on any drugs that I can, even though all my medications are legally and medically prescribed, and for things like migraines. high BP, depression, ulcers…common stuff….and none of them are opioids, painkillers, sleep aids, tranquilizers, sedatives, habit-forming or addictive in any way, but I guess in her eyes if you take any medication at all you’re some kind of junkie drug addict or something and she’ll look down on you with contempt and disgust. Hopefully when she gets older she’ll be in perfect health and won’t have any medical issues or need any medication at all since she thinks so poorly of those of us that do. That are flawed. That are old. That are falling apart. That are not in the best of health. That are human.

The Top Bunk.

Screen Shot 08-11-17 at 07.55 PM I still remember laying awake in the top bunk. I was 17, it was the mid-1980’s and it was in August, at the end of summer. My mother and I had just moved back from L.A. as it didn’t work out, and we had nowhere to go for awhile so we were staying at my aunt and uncle’s house for awhile and I was staying in one of my cousins’s old rooms and he had one of those old-fashioned wooden bunk-beds from his childhood, and I still remember that night very clearly: I was laying on my back on the top bunk, the window was open, it was a cool summer night and I could hear the crickets and smell the wildflowers (we were out in the country) and I was looking out at the moon and contemplating my life and my future. I was praying to God, because I felt scared and uncertain. I was uprooted and felt all alone and disillusioned.Where was my life headed?

As I gazed out the window, up at the sky, I felt so uncertain about my life and my future. Our entire dream (of starting over and having a new life in L.A) had just been shattered and here we were, having to start all over again. I had to start a new school in a couple of weeks, my final year of highschool, where I didn’t know anybody and I was The New Kid, and in a small town no less where everyone grew up together and has known one another for their entire lives. No easy task. I wondered how I would survive it, and if the guy I loved and hoped to marry loved me( nope…..of course not, and it turned out he was gay,too!) and I wondered about my future as an adult that night as well and I had so much hope, promise and dreams; that I would one day find love, romance, marriage, family, kids, happiness…..but it never did. Sure, I got married and had kids, but I never found love and having kids didn’t turn out to be the fulfilling experience I expected, and I had no idea all the traumas, hurt, struggles, misfortune,tragedies, heartache, etc. that I would have to endure as an adult….if only I knew. My life killed my hope and my dreams.

I was so optimistic then, so hopeful, I had such dreams, such hopes, such promise, I was happy, eager, and excited for the future but now there’s nothing.The innocence and exuberance of youth. There’s nothing left anymore. I have no purpose. I failed  at what I thought was my life’s ambition and purpose. I have nothing left to look forward to anymore. There’s no more hope. The future is gone. The dreams have died. I will always remember that night because it was one of the last times that I saw hope for my future, that I was excited for it, I thought my dreams can come true. It was before I gave up hope. Before life beat me down. Before there was nothing left anymore.Now the hope is gone. The dreams have died. There is no future.

Poor Buddy doesn’t feel well either; for the past couple of days he hasn’t eaten, and he feels warm when I touch him or pick him up, like he has a fever, and he has this gross mucus-y diarrhrea and he’s just sort of laying around and when he does walk he’ll just toddle along slowly, and I hope maybe he just ate something that upset his stomach or something and that it’s nothing serious, and if he dies before me(and he is 11 YRS old so it concerns me although Dachshunds can live to be 17) I would die of a broken heart. He’s the only one who loves me and the only light in my life, my only joy, and if I lose him I’ll have no one and nothing to keep me going, and nothing to live for, and the 10 YR old and 16 YR old taunt me too saying he’s dying!! they’re always trying to break me. Assholes.

I also heard on the news a woman was killed by a hippo while on safari and for me that would be an honour to die that way, and if there is a war between North Korea and USA the ones who will really get massacred will likely be in South Korea, and most of my BFF’s family still lives in South Korea, too, her brother and sister and their families, as well as most of her aunts and uncles….they must be so worried and scared right now….shit…I can’t even imagine….I also had a dream that someone assassinated Trump in order to prevent WWIII, so that he wouldn’t start a war with North Korea and trigger another World War, like killing one person to save millions, sort of like that idea If you could go back in time and kill Hitler and prevent the war and save millions of lives, would you?

Nuclear War?

Sooooo, guess what that crackpot Trump has gone and done now? He’s not only provoked North Korea but has now even threatened them with nuclear war with his bluster and tough talk, about “fire and fury” he’ll send upon them like never seen before. All this due to North Korea testing it’s ballistic missiles….just like every other country also does, incl. USA, yet for some reason USA has declared itself(once again) Policeman of the World and decided that North Korea is not allowed to, as if someone made them boss of the world, and then threatened them by basically declaring an act of war, with North Korea responding in kind by saying they’ll send missiles to Guam, which is an American territory in the South Pacific (close to the Korean penninsula) where they have a military base.

and so now the whole world sits on edge.

I’d hopefully think that cooler heads will prevail and this is all just nothing more than bluster, sabre rattling, and tough talk, but that nothing more will come out of it, esp. since tiny North Korea, despite it’s military capabilities, will be obliterated by American forces, and the same story keeps on repeating itself over and over again in history every few years: Imperialist war-mongering USA bullies a much smaller nation, usually with no one else coming to it’s defense(and who’s going to stand up for North Korea?), and no one has the courage to stand up to them, but Kim Jong Un is not someone who seems to put up with that shit and has the balls to stand up to them(and I admire him for that), but hopefully no one will take it to actual war, esp. nuclear war which would be catastrophic and not beneficial to anybody.

I remember the last time I feared the real possibility of a nuclear war was in the 1980’s when that looney Reagan was the American President and tensions were high between USA and USSR during the Cold War. I, of course, was on Russia’s side, naturally, old Soviet guard that I am, and even now my hubby are on opposite sides politically(we can’t agree on anything, although we are both committed to being united and  working together to help the 14 YR old in her recovery); he says North Korea started it and “asked” for it by testing missiles, but they’re not doing anything any other country doesn’t also do, so why are they only being singled out, and USA started it by threatening them first. I’m not a fan of the Kim regime, but I also don’t like to see The Little Guy being bullied by The Big Guy and I’m sick and tired of USA and their interference and war-mongering in other countries.

As well, I was woken up at 3 am with that bad headache, which I still have now, and nothing, I mean nothing gets rid of it, making me suspect that there might be something more going on, like perhaps an impending stroke  or aneurysm, or perhaps even a brain tumour or something, and I went to the lab and had blood work done as well( maybe that will give us some idea?) and the 10 YR old thought that they took all of my blood out and drained me dry! He also snarked to me, No one loves you anyway! and even told my hubby to shut up! and he got mad….how dare he talk to him like that…..yet they talk to me like that all the time and no one cares, and the 14 YR old(when I reminded her about something) yelled at me, You can shut-up now, ok? and the 16 YR old scoffed, Just because you have a bath every day doesn’t mean you don’t stink! and my hubby says the coconut oil I use as a moisturizer “reeks” even though coconut smells good. Why do they always have to insult me like that and talk to me that way?

The therapist at the clinic also phoned and wanted to talk to me but I have nothing to say to her and didn’t want to talk; she just stresses me out and I’m still trying to recover from the session on Tuesday which really broke me hard and made me feel like I was being almost interrogated, esp. since I was the only one being grilled and singled-out for criticism and blame, and it’s harmful to my own mental and emotional health, so she ended up sending me an e-mail instead and she apologized for making me feel like shit and said that wasn’t the intention but said therapy is “hard” but did agree that she was “harsh” on me and could see why I felt that way, and asked that I return so I told her I’m willing to try one more time but if I feel overwhelmed or under attack again I’m just going to get up and leave the room and walk right out the door as I refuse to subject myself to anything that makes me feel even worse about myself and jeopardizes my own recovery, and that I try to avoid conflict, not engage in situations that will increase my stress.

I saw singer Sinead O’ Connor’s public plea on Facebook as well where she says that if you are mentally ill that everyone just invalidates anything you say, think, feel, etc.. and spending your life just trying to stay alive every day is NOT living, and she’s so right. I could so relate to her struggle and what she was saying. It’s almost like we live parallel lives and her family treats her like shit and hates her and blames her for her illness just like mine does to me for mine,too; there are so many similarities I could really relate to her tearful video and I just felt to badly for her and her need to be loved, understood, supported, and just to be treated with some human kindness and compassion.

Pay To Pray.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 08.14 PM I read an article a Jewish journalist wrote and he said that it’s expensive to be Jewish,  and that’s why He thinks many Jews are Jews in name only but not actually practicing their faith, such as going to synagogue. He said that to go to the synagogue and attend religious services you actually have to pay a membership fee, sort of like at a country club, costing into the thousands of dollars a year, and that to attend the holy days (such as Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah) you have to buy a ticket, at the cost of hundreds of dollars, pricing many people out. I was really surprised and never knew that. Unlike the Christian and Muslim places to worship where your monetary contribution is voluntary, and you’re not prevented from attending because you can’t afford the membership fee. I’ve never heard anything like it and I think it’s sad. I had no idea. Seems discriminatory to me.Only for those with $$$$. The Old Marxist in me is pissed-off.

I don’t think that you should have to pay to pray. In our church we’re obligated to donate 10% of our income but we’re not audited(although in the Mormon church they do; they actually audit you where once a year the bishop sits each congregation member down in his office and reviews his finances to make sure their tithing is all “up to date” and if you haven’t paid the full 10% you can’t go to the temple) or prevented from worshipping if you don’t donate or pay a certain amount. I think that’s awful. What about the devout but poor widow? or the pensioner? or the immigrant? or the single parent? or the large family? or the guy that got laid off? I’m sure that there are many devoutly religious who are being prevented from going to the temple due to financial restrictions and that only the wealthy can afford memberships at the Jewish synagogues just makes me sad and I feel badly for the others and I try to imagine how I’d feel if I’d have to pay something like 1500$ a yr to go to church and then hundreds of $$$$ extra to go to Christmas and Easter Masses? I think it should be on a voluntary basis and you give what you can afford,without being called-out on it, shamed, made to feel guilty or cheap, and to worship freely, as God loves us without price. Whatever you choose to tithe should be between you and God.

As well, I got stung by a wasp! I was just laying out in the sun, minding my own business, and the mean little f*cker just landed on my leg and stung me for no reason! Now it’s all swollen up to a big bump  the size of a hard-boiled egg so I took a Benadryl. I also saw a cute little brown rabbit hopping around the neighbour’s yard and I’ve seen them in our own backyard at times, too, just wild, we had a BBQ as well and it was Buddy’s lucky day too because my hubby accidently dropped 3 hotdogs so guess who got them, and the 18 YR old also visited from camp.

The You-Know-What.

Screen Shot 08-04-17 at 04.12 PM See the ominous cloud in this photo I took? It was behind our house, in our backyard yesterday afternoon, and it looked to me like it had the potential to become a funnel cloud which would become a you-know-what (I’m not even going to say the word)….so I decided it would be cool to get a photo of it and that it was probably a good idea to go inside, and then when I came in I saw the weather update on my computer about a  tornado watch!   holy shit….so I wasn’t imagining what I thought I might have seen in that cloud,afterall, and we did have heavy rain and it got really dark and windy, but nothing more. Buddy could sense the storm was coming,too, as he was sitting on my lap outside, chilling out and relaxed, and all of a sudden he bolted up and was all agitated and whimpering and I asked him what was wrong and within seconds I heard a boom of thunder.

Midol apparantly also has side-effects of restlessness, insomnia, and agitation as well, and last night I couldn’t get to sleep until 1 am so I only ended up with 5 HRS of sleep and then the thunderstorm woke me up around 3 am, and when I mentioned something-or-other to the 16 YR old( my mother had said to me) that she didn’t like she refused to believe it and sniffed to me that  you’re always high , implying that I just made it up or imagined it, that it didn’t really happen, and she didn’t really say that (even though she really did !) and now her newest “thing” is whenever I go near her is to cringe, plug her nose and back away, saying that I “stink”, even though I bathe daily. She’s just being hurtful and mean. When she went out she also purposely snubbed me by saying goodbye to everyone individually by name except me, purposely leaving me out (and then they wonder why I feel excluded from the family?) and her and the 14 YR old had to plan out a schedule to co-ordinate everyone for activities as well to arrange that everyone can get the same days off and such and it was such a hassle to make sure they gave me a day to go to the “Ex” (CNE) esp. as I don’t get to go out too many places and the Ex is one of the highlights of my YR and I look forward to it every summer!I’m not letting them rip me off!

It really bothers me the way the 16 YR old treats people as well. Yes, she’s mouthy and disrespectful to me, but she’s also cruel and snarky to others, too,! She really is the true definition of a Mean Girl. She’s the stereotypical Popular Girl, The Cheerleader, the one that rules the clique and looks down on everyone else, and bullies the poor merciless minions deemed to be “beneath” her, reminding me of the bullies in Jr. High that tormented me daily. She looks down on those that aren’t pretty, and makes fun of those she considers to be inferior and “less-than” such as ugly people, fat people,un-stylish people, handicapped people,etc.. She thinks she’s better than everyone else and is mean and snotty, and is shallow and thinks looks are everything. That’s not the way  raised her but she’s been influenced by the world, but what I really don’t like is how mean she is. That’s what really concerns me.She’s just mean.         😦