The Accidental Racist.

screen-shot-11-30-16-at-10-47-am-001 The 13 YR old drew this picture which obviously looks racist although it wasn’t her intent. She didn’t even know or realize that it was racist, she was just trying to draw a Japanese-style theme for her sister that lived and worked in Japan for 3 YRS. I call her the Accidental Racist. She does things like this alot, unfortunately, says, does, or draws things that are racist although unintentionally and she doesn’t even realize it and it’s just the strangest thing because I have no idea where she gets it from, and often it ends up with comical, although embarrassing results. She never means to offend people or to be racist, it just always seems to end up that way.

As well, my hubby made a cruel barb about me weighing ” 3000 pounds” ( I should  have sat on him!) and says I “always ruin everything” (he’s one to talk; he’s ruined my life!!) and I’m still convinced  he wants me dead,too, that way he’d get rid of me without having to pay alimony, and he’d get the kids all to himself, and he’d get my life insurance $$$$$ as well. He hates me and I know that he wants me out of the picture, so it really wouldn’t surprise me at all.

The 22 YR old also told the 17 YR old that he wants a Rolex watch for Christmas so she said, yeah, sure, thinking that it was just a watch….until she actually went and checked about it and found out the cost and then quickly changed her mind, and esp. now with the trial we’re going thru I realize that I am alot stronger than I thought or realized that I was, and that I’m a warrior and that I can survive more than I give myself credit for (look at all the traumas I already have survived so far!)and that God has never let me down and has always given me strength and kept us safe and protected us,and with His grace I will continue  to survive.


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The second-oldest is now back after living and working in Japan for 3 YRS. She brought us all back these yummy Japanese sweet treats, seen above. My faves. are the ones made of bean paste. The 13 YR old wasn’t too keen though to  experiment and try things where she didn’t know what it was and couldn’t read what it said. She’ll be staying here about a week and then going all over visiting friends and basically couch-surfing thru Toronto, London, and Edmonton. She’s going to a friend’s wedding at the end of the month and another one of her friends is also getting married in Mexico in the New YR. She hopes to get a job in Toronto at the agency that placed her teaching in Japan, this time as a sort of a liason for others looking to teach over there but if not  then she’s considering Edmonton(where the oldest and the 18 YR old also live now)with a goal in mind later to live in Vancouver in a couple of YRS and get a job in graphic design and if she gets bored in this country( which I’m sure she eventually will; how could she not, esp. after living there) she might like to go to South Korea( where she spent a week and liked it there) and teach there as she’s now qualified to teach anywhere in Asia now.

Screen Shot 08-12-16 at 11.07 AM She also brought everyone back souvenirs and I got this pretty souvenir plate! Nice, huh? She got these “Amiibo” (I hope I spelled that right!) the 13 YR old was looking for as well  that are incredibly rare here and impossible to find and that cost 100$ if you are fortunate enough to come across them  and that she was able to find easily in Japan in the grocery store for only 10$! I said she should have bought a whole bunch of them and brought them over here and sold them for a fortune and she would have made alot of $$$!

Screen Shot 08-12-16 at 03.21 PM It’s still soooo oppressively HOT here  and yesterday it was even hotter here than in Mumbai and it’s so hot it’s like in sub-Saharan  Africa ( 44 C is 111 F) and it’s so hot that I didn’t even go outside except for when I was in the pool! I went to the lab yesterday morning as well and got my aldosterone-renin ratio blood test and then to the pharmacy to pick up my pills, and “Aunt Flow” still hasn’t come yet and it’s now 4 days late but last month it DID last for 2 weeks though so it’s probably all off-cycle now, and a friend in Ireland was complaining how *they* get ripped-off having to pay 2 Euro for a pack of 20 cigarettes,too,and I told her that’s *NOTHING*: here you have to pay 15$ for a pack of 25! We’re the ones that are always over-charged for everything and always getting ripped-off! 2 Euro is something like 5 $, maybe even less, depending on the exchange rate! There you can buy 3 packs for the price of just 1 here! You can hardly get ANYTHING here for under 5$!Even body wash is over 7$!

3 Years.

Screen Shot 08-06-16 at 02.27 PM In just 3 more days the second-oldest will be returning after living and working in Japan for the past 3 YRS. It’s hard to believe that it’s been that long already the time has gone by so fast! She went there right after she graduated university and has been teaching English there. She doesn’t know what she’ll be doing career-wise once she returns home or which city she’ll settle down in, but nothing can compare to the adventure she’d had over there and she must be so disappointed that it’s ending and will soon be over and to have to come back to this shit-hole. Going to Japan was her life-long dream and she was lucky enough to be able to fulfill and nothing else will ever compare, or live up to that.

My grandmother’s nephew has been teaching in South Korea(where my BFF is from!)for several YRS now. When his 3 YR term was up he re-newed it again as he decided he wanted to stay on and remain there and not return back here. I can understand that completely. This place sucks and after living abroad, travelling,and being absorbed in other cultures it would be a real let-down coming back here. Who knows though, perhaps she’ll take up a similar offer elsewhere and go off to another far-off country to teach again for a few more YRS? Who knows where life will take her next, afterall, she’s only 25…..

As well, my mother always insists that the 9 YR old wears sunscreen in the pool but she doesn’t care if the other kids do,and about her obsession with him I said, “Everything’s always about———– all the time!” and she smirked, “That’s RIGHT! I’m glad you finally realize it!” It’s so bizarre though, her obsession with him and the way she fawns all over him, coddles him, over-indulges him,excuses him,pampers him, and “jumps” to serve him; there’s always one of the kids that she favours and focuses on and caters to; it used to be the second-oldest but then she grew up and moved away and then she turned her favouritism onto the youngest,and then she twisted it around and said I’m “obsessed” with Buddy,too, just because I love him and I’m kind to him and because finally someone(Buddy)loves ME.Her and my hubby accuse me I love him more than the kids too….but HE loves ME more than THEY do, and he treats me better than they do,too!

I hit my head in the pool as well so now I’ll be even more stunned and out of focus than usual….ha,ha….


Screen Shot 05-28-16 at 11.42 AM One of the neighbours has these 2 big dogs that are always outside barking….and one of them has only 3 legs and I nick-named it “Tripod.” I remember a few YRS back when it got hit by the truck on our street(that’s how it lost it’s leg) and the ironic thing was it was hit by a truck with a logo of a dog on it with the words, “Everyone’s a lucky dog!” on it! It was the most absurd thing ever. There was also a pitbull running loose on our street today,too, so we came in and  I brought Buddy inside as my poor little Dachshund would have been dinner for it, and Patti brought her dog to a dog festival here in town yesterday but I had no way to go with Buddy as my hubby wasn’t here to drive me and it was too far to walk,and it’s still so HOT,too, so sweltering that my shirt sticks to me with sweat,and to try and cool off I have to wet my hair with cold water!

Speaking of dogs, the 21 YR old’s friend in California had to put one of her dogs “down” the other day as it was 14 YRS old and had a tumour that kept leaking a trail of blood wherever it went and the poor little thing was just laying there and not eating or moving. That’s so sad.She used to have 3 dogs and now she just has one left. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if they even ended up getting *married* one day and I think that would be nice…. The second-oldest in Japan is also arranging the 18 YR old’s flight to Edmonton from where she is and I suppose because it’s cheaper to get flights from outside of the country than it is to book them from here where we’re always over-charged and it costs a fortune, and one of our cousins in Europe is also on vacation staying at her mother’s villa in Spain!

My mother also made bacon for breakfast and gave everyone else 3 pieces….but only gave ME 2 pieces and then when I mentioned it she smirked that I “should be grateful that I even got ANY at ALL” and whenever the store has a 2 for 6$ special on chips she always buys 2 bags for my hubby,too, and none for me instead of getting us a bag each, and she’ll take everyone’s laundry out of the dryer(incl. my hubby’s) except for mine and just leave mine in there…..and then she wonders WHY I think she’s a bitch, unfair, and treats me like shit,singles me out,aggravates and provokes me, insults and berates me,and always trying to get in these little “digs” at me…..yet I still don’t know WHY she *does* it and why she hates me so much(and why she likes my hubby more than she like me) and my only guess is that perhaps I “remind” her of my father, who she hates?

The Little Stone House.

StoneHouse I think a little stone house(like the one pictured here) might be helpful in the 18 YR old’s healing. One of his best friends lives with her boyfriend in a small limestone house in a town about 20 min. away( they just recently moved) and she’s the one that he always confides in and he just came home after spending the past 4 days in a row at that little stone house. He says he needs quiet and it’s too noisy here. He goes to her place as a sort of a “refuge”, away from all the chaos where he can clear his head and hang out with friends. My mother, the 16 YR old, and myself all think that he might be planning on moving in with them….and sure enough he DID mention that as an option when he graduates school in a couple of months: to take a YR off before university and work (get $$$$ for school)and be their room-mate. He IS 18 and old enough to move out on his own, and if that’s what he needs to do and what he feels he has to do in order to heal and to get better then he should do it. That little stone house is his “safe haven” and I think a vital key to his recovery.

He also said his future plan incl. going to university in Alberta(where it costs less) and moving in with our oldest(who also decided after getting HIS degree in Business and working in finance for the past few YRS that he *doesn’t* like it and is now back at university taking electrical engineering) and that he wants to get a degree in either Biology or Chemistry and then go into Medicine, and his back-up plan( if that one doesn’t pan out) is to get a degree in Electrical or Chemical Engineering. It’s hopeful and encouraging to hear him talk about the future and to know that he’s thinking ahead and has plans….it was starting to look up…..but then later in the day he was self-harming again: he punched a brick wall and now his knuckles are all scabbed and bleeding and bandaged( he’s lucky he didn’t break his hand) and when I probed him and asked him why he was mad, to get him to talk about his feelings he just told me to “f*ck-off” and said he was over it and ok now but it concerns me that he’s still hurting himself. He also doesn’t know it but I pray for him every day.

I also heard on the news there was a big earthquake in Japan so I hope it wasn’t near where our second-oldest is living and working. You never stop being a mother and worrying (and praying for!) your kids, no matter HOW old they are…

Japanese Kit-Kats!

JapaneseKitKat Our second-oldest is visiting from Japan and she brought us over a bunch of Japanese sweets and treats, incl. Japanese-style Kit-Kat chocolate bars and they come in unusual flavours such as green tea, sweet potato, bean paste, and strawberry. The bean paste wasn’t that bad actually, and the sweet potato kind of tasted like orange. The green tea was ok and I didn’t try the strawberry because I hate berries. Here we have it just regular , dark, or white chocolate with the wafer but nothing exotic like this!

It’s nice having her home for awhile and it’s sort of like she’s just here early for Christmas. She’s jet-lagged though and really tired as the time difference is like the difference between day and night. She had to connect planes in Dallas and the airfare was 1000$ but it’s usually 1500$ but there was a sale this time so she was lucky, esp. with getting her ticket last minute because the further ahead you buy it saves money.

My hubby’s brother is also going to Hawaii and staying for a few MONTHS the lucky bastard, and my hubby and the 17 YR old were making fun of me because I wear Converse sneakers( I like the Chuck Taylor high tops) and they say that I’m “too old” but I don’t give a shit, I like it and I wear what I like (but I don’t appreciate them hassling me) and don’t follow some “list” or let society dictate what I wear or don’t wear, and the 17 YR old mocked me too,pretending he was me,saying, “I have a tragic life! Give me attention!”and then snickered, “You’re NOT a special snowflake!” and my hubby was supposed to pick up Advent calendars for the 21 YR old and I ( the others already had theirs) but forgot one so the kids said the one they got was his as he’s “more important”(than me) and they always say things like that and demean me and I’m sick of it. The 21 YR old also ate 3/4 of my bag of chips as well. I’m always being disrespected and treated like crap.

My family sucks.

Food Truck Fest.

FoodTrucks For the past week or so I heard on the radio about this fund-raiser for a charity that there was going to be alot of food truck vendors at the local park from all over Ontario so I was excited to go, and so my hubby, the 12 YR old,and I did……but it turned out to be a rip-off( you had to pay admission to get in) and a disappointment….there were only 5 food trucks there and one of them was closed! At least they DID have the one I was hoping for though; the Indian food one from Toronto where I went before for the PanAm Games and I got the same yummy butter chicken in naan bread, only here it was 2 $ cheaper as no one in this skidmark town would pay 10$! I also saw a Rhodesian Ridgeback there,too, and it’s rare and not something that you see too often, and on the way there the aftermath of a car accident just up our street, with an ambulance and a guy sitting on the curb looking dazed, with one of the cars’ bumpers all smashed in at the front and on the way home we saw Patti and yelled out to her and she waved back.It stormed and poured rain not too long after as well but we were lucky to have avoided it when we were there!

As well, the second-oldest(who lives in Japan) broke her hand doing judo and was woken up twice during the night by sirens warning to prepare for possible evacuations following an earthquake and a possible tsunami; life there is always interesting and never boring, but for me it would seem that some dreams are best meant to just remain dreams(but I’m happy it worked out for her) like finding love, for example( even though other fat unattractive people do, but my Asperger’s and Social Phobia complicates things)and the 12 YR old said when she grows up she’s getting married but not having kids and I think she’ll be better off as having kids ruins your relationship even if it’s good, and if it’s not that good to begin with it just makes it even worse, like with my hubby and I; we were at least friends in the beginning, but after we had kids even that was ruined and now we can barely even tolerate one another. She heard a song on my iPod as well and liked it and asked, “Is it Aerosmith?” and I said it wasn’t so she goes, “Is it Bon Jovi?” and I said no, so she goes, “Something like that?” and I said it was, the same genre, and she looks at me suspiciously and says,”Who IS it?” and then checks for herself and when she saw it was ALICE COOPER( who she hates, but only because *I* like him) she freaked out and ran into the house and locked me outside!

We also donated over 15 big garbage bags of clothes to the needy,and the 12 YR old asked me if I’d stick a pin into Buddy for a million dollars and I said I would….shit….I’d stick it into MYSELF for a million $$$$ and, in fact, there’s not much that I *wouldn’t* do for a million $$$$ (except kill someone) we’re so desperate for $$$$…My mother said she stresses and worries endlessly about how she’s going to pay the bills every month….

Googly Eyes.

MeGooglyEyes Here I am with Googly eyes. Just for laughs. The 2 oldest are gone now and the second-oldest has a 13 HOUR layover in Hong Kong too and she’s not even allowed to leave the airport! Ugh! She also said that Japanese guys are intimidated by Western women and I don’t doubt it as most of them ARE slutty and too aggressive and forward but that’s too bad as I was hoping that she’d meet a nice Japanese guy and get married. It was time for the oldest to go though as he’s only ok for a few days and then he gets nasty, mean,and obnoxious; he’ll start yelling at me and being condescending when I don’t agree with him, and we argued about what makes someone a redneck, and when I said that “The Walking Dead” is lame as just the idea of zombies taking over the world and a zombie apocalypse is just the stupidest thing ever(not to mention the fact that zombies are occult,too) he yelled at me, “Oh, shut UP!” We get along better from a distance.

Buddy and I also went to visit Patti and she was baking cookies and she “scolded” me not to let Buddy get too fat as it’s “bad for his spine” and my mother said it sounds like a school Principal telling the kids what to do and it feels like he’s not really ours but that we’re always under supervision and monitoring of a sort esp. how we’re not allowed to take him with us if we move, and it hurts how she refers to him as HER “Grand puppy” and that he’s now under her name and “under her care” but lives with us which makes it feel like he’s on permanent loan, like we’re just “leasing” him or something when he’s really part of OUR family now but it’s like she’s always in control even though he’s with us.

It’s tragic as well to hear about the Air Asia plane that crashed and I saw an article on Facebook that insinuated that since the pilot was a devout Muslim that he probably crashed it on purpose in a terrorist attack even though they WERE flying thru a bad storm and asked for permission to climb higher but were denied and ALOT of people in Indonesia ARE Muslim( so what’s their point?) so this is nothing more than Islamophobia, and religious hatred and I’m just so SICK of this shit! We’re so poor now too my mother has to take out another loan again( and she’s still paying off the other one!) to pay the property tax, home insurance, and other bills and the financial situation is only going to get worse once my hubby loses his job…..

As for New Year’s Eve, we don’t do anything; it’s just like any other day. New Year’s Eve parties are just an excuse for losers to get drunk and act likes asses,anyway. I’m always in bed and fast asleep by Midnight anyway.

Treasure In My Heart.

Buddy5 It’s been like summer here for the past week and into this week ( 25 C or so) like a late summer(which we deserve after we got ripped off having such a cold summer) and I’ve still been able to keep up my summer tan. As I lay out in the sun Buddy snuggles in next to me and  I just want to capture the moment forever; it’s pure HAPPINESS. I’m treasuring this time we have with him in my heart because soon it will be coming to an end; I return him to Patti Thursday evening as we leave for our trip Friday evening ( airport shuttle picks us up and brings us to the airport hotel overnight and we have an early flight out Saturday but have to be at the airport at 4 am and it’s 2 HRS away so we’re going in the night before) and this way it’s less rush. I’m hoping he’ll still be here at Patti’s when we get back a week later; that her son still hasn’t come for him yet and that we can  have him back again. I wish we could keep him forever and he’s enjoying it so much here too he doesn’t seem eager to go back either; he doesn’t want his vacation to end!

It will be so hard to say goodbye; the kids and I just love him so much and have become so attached to him; we wish he could stay. We realize we can’t just keep him though as he’s not ours; he belongs to his owner and even though we DO have more time for him, give him more freedom( they only let him on the main floor, for example, and here he has the run of the house) and he’d be happier here we still have to give him back, but the kids and I are hoping his owners will decide to let him stay(esp. since they were overwhelmed before with him and the new baby) esp. after Patti tells them how well he’s doing here, how happy he is, and how good we are to him. My hubby scoffed, “It’s been a week. Why is he still here?” and I told him they don’t move until Wednesday, and I hope at the least we’ll be able to “dog-sit” him again soon and at the best we hope they’ll let us have him, whether now or sometime later.

The hardest thing about having him here( not really a problem, just more of an adjustment) is on grocery day, making sure when the side door’s open bringing in the groceries from the van that he doesn’t run out the door and when the bags are all over the kitchen floor as he keeps trying to get into them at the food, and on Sundays when I leave for church he misses me like crazy and whines and barks waiting for me at the door until I return.It’s hard when we have a booking for our home business as well as we have to load and unload the equipment and get it out the door and making sure he does’t run out. He’s “claimed” me as his own and I’m his favourite; the one he always follows around, snuggles with, and spends the most time with, and sleeps in bed with at night, and he missed Patti’s dog( who is his best friend and he also always tries to hump) so I asked  if she could come over with her so they could have a “play date” and they did; we visited for a couple of HRS and the dogs frolicked and played and we took them for a walk together, and she said her loser next door neighbours put their house up for sale too so she’ll finally be rid of them,and her hemoglobin’s really low( 8 and should be around 150) and they want her to have a “scope” done like I had to find the source of the bleeding( they found traces of blood in her urine sample) but the idea of it freaks her out and she’s hesitant.

I’m afraid as well that once I get back from my trip and it’s over and if Buddy’s gone; gone back to his owner, that I’m going to crash and burn with my happiness taken away and over, and with nothing left to look forward to anymore to keep me “going” until next summer, esp. having to get thru another winter beforehand, I don’t really think I can do it and it worries me; I don’t want to slip back into that dark place again. As it is now Buddy brings joy to each day but once he’s gone I won’t have that anymore; my joy will be gone and I fear the darkness will return. I also haven’t seen “Cow Cat” in at least 5 days so I wonder if animal control picked it up, and our second oldest( who lives in Japan) is going to South Korea( where my best friend is from!) for a holiday and there was a volcano eruption in Japan,too, and people climbing it were killed and I was worried she might have been there but luckily it wasn’t in her area.

I Admire Her.

Japan1 I admire our second oldest. She has always wanted to live in Japan; it has always been her dream as long as I can remember and she started learning Japanese when she was a teenager. She worked hard for YRS to achieve her goal and she’s been living and working in Japan( as an English teacher) for over a YR now. I admire her for having the courage to move all the way to the other side of the world all on her own in her early 20’s and embark on such an adventure, and to be able to follow her dreams and glad that it worked out for her; that she didn’t end up disillusioned or disappointed like *I* was when I moved to L.A. I wish I had the courage like she does and I wish my dreams would have worked out. Of course I could never actually tell her I admire her because she thinks I hate her. We have always had a strained relationship and have never gotten along(mainly due to my mother’s interfering, coddling and over-indulgence, like she now does to the 7 YR old) but now she’s an adult(turning 24 later this YR) I admire her for going after her dream and am glad it’s worked out for her. I’d never be brave enough to do something like that on my own; with my Asperger’s and Social Phobia I could never survive on my own( even though I wish I could) and my dreams just stay that…..dreams.

As well, Buddy had a good first night with us and he slept in my bed with me, first of all on top of the blankets beside my legs but then later on he must have gotten cold because he burrowed underneath the covers, still snuggling beside my legs and when he woke up he emerged and did a big stretch, jumped down off the bed, and when I opened the door he ran downstairs and stood in front of the door telling me he had to go outside and pee! He also has this ritual to fall asleep where he chews on his leg like how a baby sucks his thumb and I think it’s from being abused from his former owner and it’s a coping mechanism he needs to soothe himself,and I can totally relate; we’re both damaged and I told him I completely understand, and no one was able to pick him up before due to the abuse but he actually LETS me, maybe because I’m so kind to him? He also follows me around everywhere I go(and always wants to snuggle on my lap and kiss my face) and when he couldn’t find me he was looking all over the house for me( I was in the 3rd floor bathroom) and went to all the places I normally go and when I went to church yesterday he stood at the door and barked and whimpered until I got back, missing me, and when I returned he was joyous and kept running around excited and jumping all over, glad to see me, and it was nice to be missed. I missed him,too!

My hubby also said he’s taking out the 100$ “fine” as “penalty” for me watching Buddy( to “punish” me for having a dog when he hates dogs) out of the “allowance” he gives me so there’s nothing I can do about it( he’s such a bastard) but it’s worth it because I enjoy Buddy so much so I just try and look at it as if I’m “renting” a dog for a week and  him being a Dachshund we lovingly nick-name him “Chicken leg”, “Sausage Boy”, HotDog” and “Muffin Top”( for the way he has flab hanging down over his collar) and the kids and I love taking him out for walks and for a senior dog he has remarkable energy,too,he’ll be 9 YRS old in February. I am truly relishing this time I have with him. Too bad it’s just for a week but it’s better than nothing.