First Snowfall.

Screenshot_867 We got our first snowfall! We got a dusting as you can see here and it was really coming down heavy,too, big fluffy flakes, not just light flurries, and it was a heavy packing snow, but in October? Buddy wasn’t too happy to see it,either, and when he stepped out in it for a walk he recoiled in horror, lifted up a paw and looked up at me with a stunned look as if he was thinking, What the f*ck, man? What is this? Where the hell did this come from? and he didn’t even want to go for a full walk; he just quickly did his thing and then turned around and pulled me to go back inside! The snow actually even stayed on the ground overnight into the morning but then it got milder and rained and washed it all away.

Good.

I also did Confession yesterday in church, asking forgiveness for the sins I’ve been accused of committing years ago even though I don’t remember ever actually doing any of it, and even question whether or not it even ever actually occurred, but if it did I feel really guilty, horrible, and badly, and need forgiveness, from God, from the accuser, and from myself, and the priest said that it’s only a sin and in need of forgiveness if I did it on purpose and was aware of it and did it willfully;  that you have to have intent in order for it to actually be a sin you need to be forgiven for, and if I didn’t even know, didn’t realize, and thought I did my best no sin was committed, and with my Asperger’s and bipolar it’s also not my fault; that I can’t help being what I am and it’s not fair for others(such as my family does) to hate me and blame me for things I can’t control, and like in the justic system with someone who committed a crime while insane God doesn’t hold you accountable unless you knew what you were doing and you were fully aware it was a sin but you did it anyway so that makes me feel better and I know God loves me and can see my heart and knows my intentions and that despite my repeated failures I  try, and I do the best with what I have and I do mean well; they just somehow always seem to come out wrong, get taken the wrong way,misunderstood,twisted around,  offend, annoy, push people away, appear rude or inconsiderate, etc. but that’s never my intention.

My hubby and the 17 YR old played a prank on me as well: the kids were late coming home from church in the morning yesterday( they don’t like going with me; I go in the evening, so they go in the morning) and I was getting worried so I called my hubby to see if he picked them up; if they were with him, and the 17 YR old answered the phone and had somehow altered her voice so it sounded like someone else and she said she just found the phone on the street; it was lost and she picked it up and asked who I was and don’t I want my phone back, asking for info,etc… but I suspected all along it was them and they were tricking me like they always do, and then she says do I want the phone or does she drop it off at the police so I just said to drop it off at the police and then I hung up. I thought that was that….

until….

They come home together awhile later and my hubby bursts thru the door looking somewhat panic-stricken and asks about his “missing phone” and I’m horrified and tell him what happened and I thought they were just pranking me but to call the number someone has it; they found it, so he “calls” and pretends to be talking to someone on the other end….and I’m freaking out thinking it’s actually real, all the while trying to explain to him why I didn’t believe it and hung up, thinking they were pranking me like they always do I didn’t believe it was real, that he actually did lose his phone so I guess this time the prank’s on him….. and then they all start laughing and he says the prank’s on me because it all was just a joke and he pulls out his phone to show me!  I seriously don’t know why they delight in always messing with me like that, and then they wonder why I’m crazy and losing my mind.

Scrotum ‘N Tote ‘Em.

Screenshot_131 Scroat ‘N Tote! This has got to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen! It’s a backpack that’s… a hairy ball sack! Oh, my God, this is just the funniest thing ever! I almost died laughing when I saw this. I have so got to get this! I need this in my life. This is just so funny! So perfect for my twisted childish sense of humour. Who says you have to grow up? You’re only as young as you feel.

I Think I Might Have Just Found Your Head!

Screenshot_1237 When I opened up the shower curtains to have my bath in the morning I was greeted by this standing there in the corner of the tub! Now, normally, people might be freaked out and think something along the lines of WTF? but in this house things like this are just a normal every day occurrence and to be expected. I was just like, Oh, ok, someone must be hanging their mask up to dry in the tub…. so I just moved it out of the way before filling the tub with water for my bath. Just a usual day at our house .I’ve seen all kinds of crazy shit in my life and nothing surprises me anymore. It turned out it was the 23 YR old up to his usual pranks again, trying to scare people; he had this mask on a styrofoam wig-head with a garbage bag on top of it standing up on a stick in a bucket, and my mother said she was only slightly taken aback, because remember, in this house you have to expect anything, we’ve seen everything, and nothing surprises us, and she basically shrugged, Oh, ok, whatever….. but it really freaked out the 15 YR old good who saw it in the dark during the night and just shrieked wildly! 😀

The funny thing was,too, that just a few minutes before that as I was getting ready for my bath my hubby said he noticed that his styrofoam head( that he puts his Cosplay costumes masks or heads on) was missing and asked me if I knew where his head was and I said I hadn’t seen it but that maybe when the kids cleaned up they just threw it out, like how they(and he) always do; they just throw out other people’s stuff and don’t bother checking or care what it is or who it belongs to only usually it’s mine or my mother’s stuff, and maybe this time it happened to something he cares about; that they cleaned and it got thrown out…but then when I saw the mask and it felt hard underneath it I figured that must be where the missing head was and I yelled downstairs to him, I think I might have just found your head! and the 15 YR old heard this from her room and thought, Whaaat? His head? Like I said, just another typical day at our house.

As well, I’d had weed and I stumbled and cut my baby toe on a big mirror that my hubby left sticking out in the hallway and it made a big cut all the way right down the middle of the toe on the top, like a dividing line and it was really bleeding too and for the longest time I thought( in my distorted thinking state) that I had cut it in half, all the way thru, leaving it basically in two halves, like forked, and then I really started to panic. My first instinct was to hide, and then I thought, Shit, there’s no way I’m going to be able to hide this….. and I imagined myself bleeding out and pictured where I best wanted it to occur and where I’d rather die so I applied pressure to it using toilet paper and went outside in the backyard on the porch swing and prepared to die, only I didn’t and the bleeding eventually stopped and in time I came to realize it wasn’t really cut in half afterall.It was really freaky though.

I can feel a really big storm coming as well. It’s been building up and trying all week. I can just feel a change, a shift, in the atmosphere, and it feels like something really big is going to happen, once it finally hits. Maybe that’s also why I’ve had this headache for the past week; the pressure’s dropping low, and it was eerily quiet outside today,too, no bird sounds at all; it’s as if they can sense something’s coming and they all left for shelter, and I saw one flock of birds quickly scatter and fly away in a hurry like they were fleeing something.It’s like a harbinger of some sort…. Shit, I wonder if we’ll even have a tornado or something?

I also found a dead vole in our grass and at first I thought it was a mouse but closer inspection I could tell it was a vole by the different size and look of the body, tail, snout,and claws, my cousins back home in Europe are still trying to adjust to the time change and jet-lag and one said even though she slept for 11 HRS she’s still tired, and it’s nice with my hubby’s new job as well he works later with this one too, later into the evening and often even into the night or overnight and often on weekends too so I hardly see him much at all and it’s really nice and gives me a break from his condescending remarks, emotional abuse, and overall general always putting me down and treating me like shit, and I like not seeing him and when he’s not around; it’s much less stressful for me.

Too Funny!!

SLJJoke2

These are just so hilariously funny that I laughed so hard I actually snorted my drink out of my nose I laughed so hard. One of the funniest things I think I’ve seen in awhile. For some reason I just found them the funniest thing ever.

SLJJoke1

Finding My Circle.

Screen Shot 12-26-17 at 07.32 AM I saw this today and it was exactly what I needed to hear and the encouragement that I needed. Christmas was just yet another stinging reminder of how I don’t belong in my family, how I don’t fit in, I’m not welcomed, and it feels like they all belong to this clique I’m not part of and not invited to; like they’re all part of this circle sitting together in the middle, all huddled together as a group, united, with me on the outside, isolated, alone,and not able to come in, no matter how hard I try. It feels like it’s not my circle.I can’t get in and they won’t let me in. Like I’m trying to fit into the wrong circle, where I’m not welcome, where I don’t belong, where I just don’t fit, sort of like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole; it just doesn’t fit. It’s not my circle. I have to find a new circle. I have to find my circle.

But where is it and how do I go about finding it? Where do I even begin?

There has to be someplace somewhere out there, where someone exists, perhaps even a few someones, that are like me, that will like me and will welcome me into their circle. I need to find my people, my tribe, my group, my clan; I only was able to once in my life, in my early 20’s at the YMCA group in Ottawa where we were all young adults with special needs. For the first time in my life I was accepted and belonged, I flourished and blossomed and came out of my shell. I need to find that place, those people, again, as I haven’t had it since and certainly not from my own family who always make a point of excluding me, pushing me away, making it clear I don’t matter, I’m not welcome, not a part of this family, not valued or loved, not worth the effort or bother, and I don’t fit in or belong. I  hope for the new YR to be able to find My Circle, where I will finally be allowed in, accepted, and belong.

I also hope in 2018 to find my Soul Mate. I haven’t been laid in over 10 years so I don’t even know if that thing even still works anymore but it’s not even about that; I need someone to even just converse with, and for company and companionship, someone to talk to about things I’m interested in without them rolling their eyes, face-palming, or shaking their head in exasperation thinking I’m stupid and annoying, but that actually enjoys my company and being with me and talking with me and thinks that my jokes and twisted sense of humour is funny, and when I interject a comment or a joke into a conversation they will respond kindly instead of either ignoring me or putting it down and being condescending, demeaning, belittling and dismissive of everything I say. I also need someone to give me physical human affection; I need to be touched, hugged, kissed, held,and cuddled, I need to be someone’s everything, for them to love me with all their heart, to smile when they think of me, to see me as “beautiful” because they love me.I need someone in my life that loves me enough to help me heal instead of hating me  and blaming me for my brokenness and limitations I have no control over.

I need someone who will enjoy the same music I do and not call it Druggie music. I need someone who will smoke weed with me instead of being a judgemental asshole and calling me a Pothead. I need someone who’s artsy, creative, a free spirit and an old hippie like me. I need someone that doesn’t think it’s weird I love hippos. I need someone when they see sunflowers they think of me. I need someone that loves music concerts, sunsets, travel, culture, and riding on a motorcycle as much as I do. I need someone who loves  and honours God. A need someone who treats me with respect and kindness. I need someone who loves me  and accepts me just as I am. I need love. I need alot of change in my life. I need newness, change, beauty, peace, love, freedom, independence, friendship, guidance, direction, strength, courage, wisdom, hope, happiness, joy, and light but mostly I need love. I feel like a dried up withered flower that needs to be watered and nourished in order to be revived and regain life and vitality again.

I’m pretty sure as well when I woke up during the night( and then I was awake from 1 am -4 am until I could get back to sleep again which was really annoying and happens often lately and now I’m really tired,too) I was coming out of the end of a seizure last night as my fists and jaw/teeth were both clenched and my legs were rigid and extended and it felt like I was vibrating. I get fitted for the heart monitor next week as well as get the CT scan results so maybe if I have another seizure something odd will show up on the heart monitor,too, some sort of blip in the heart beat, and maybe I have a sinus tumour or something which would explain the headaches and why my nose is almost always stuffy and has been runny lately as well yet no other signs of a cold; it’s like I have allergies only I don’t now it’s winter and sometimes it hurts and aches under my left nostril and feels like a bruise but there’s nothing there…when I see my family doc I’m going to ask him again to refer me to a gyno( he wouldn’t before) and I still have heavy periods, bleeding in-between, bad abdomenal pain and a p*ssy that stinks worse than a fish market…think raw lobster festering out in the summer heat….I think it must be diseased, perhaps I have uterine cancer or something…in any case, I know something’s causing it, there’s some reason,and it’s in that area, so…..my friend O( from grade 10 who is now a psychologist) is doing even worse than I am though; he had a kidney removed last year due to cancer and in the new YR he’s having open heart surgery for a blocked valve! Getting old really sucks!

Asshole.

Screen Shot 04-04-17 at 04.47 PM I found this funny thing on Facebook that I put on my page and several of my friends and I had such fun with it and it was hilarious and you should try it out: you have to replace one word in a movie title with asshole and here’s what we came up with:

Back To The Asshole

Asshole Bueller’s Day Off

The Shawshank Asshole

Asshole Club

The Dark Asshole

The Good, The Bad, And The Asshole

American History Asshole

Finding Asshole

Coming to Asshole

No Country For Old Assholes

Asshole,Where Art Thou?

Bridges Of Asshole County

Raging Asshole

A Clockwork Asshole

Silence Of The Asshole

Fantastic Assholes And Where To Find Them

Forrest Asshole

Asshole Redemption

Beauty And The Asshole

Snow White And The Seven Assholes

Places In The Asshole

My Best Asshole’s Wedding

Dirty Asshole

Raiders Of The Lost Asshole

Asshole Movie

Little Orphan Asshole

Clash Of The Assholes

The Asshole House

Asshole The Next Generation.

 

Speaking of assholes, on the way to the eating disorders clinic my hubby purposely blasted redneck sports really loud on the car radio just to piss me off, knowing I hate it and that I was captive, “hostage” in the van with nowhere to go to escape it and he just did it to annoy me as he always does things to provoke me, and when I tried to turn it off he kept slapping my hand out of the way, harder and harder each time and blared it even louder and told me to get out of the car….and we were on the highway! I told him to just use the earphones so that he could listen to it if he wanted to but so I wouldn’t have to hear it but he wouldn’t have any of it, proving he did just do it to aggravate me. He’s such a bully and I also found out that there’s even actually a term for the way he abuses me and how he twists it around and turns it onto me and makes me question my own sanity,too: it’s called gaslighting. It’s actually a real thing! Words really can’t even begin to describe how much regret I have for ever settling for him; he’s ruined my life.

Good news though: the 13 YR old is improving just as I had suspected: she gained 800 g this week and their target goal is 500 g a week! They also started her on anti-anxiety meds to help with her moods and “distorted thinking” and one of the side-effects is increased appetite too which will also be helpful! As well, I saw this character on one of the kids’ video games with really massive masculine muscular legs ,arms,and abs and I commented, That’s hot! and then they all started laughing at me as apparantly it was a girl but I never knew; it certainly didn’t look like any girl I’ve ever seen; it looked like a dude so now they’re razzing me I have a lesbian crush  and it was my inner lesbian coming out and it’s just so humiliating and embarrassing and they keep bringing it up and I’ll never live this down. I honestly did think it was a guy though….now I feel so stupid and, of course, they know exactly which “buttons” to push to humiliate me and tear me down even more and to make me feel even worse about myself than I already do and they take advantage of it.