Finding My Circle.

Screen Shot 12-26-17 at 07.32 AM I saw this today and it was exactly what I needed to hear and the encouragement that I needed. Christmas was just yet another stinging reminder of how I don’t belong in my family, how I don’t fit in, I’m not welcomed, and it feels like they all belong to this clique I’m not part of and not invited to; like they’re all part of this circle sitting together in the middle, all huddled together as a group, united, with me on the outside, isolated, alone,and not able to come in, no matter how hard I try. It feels like it’s not my circle.I can’t get in and they won’t let me in. Like I’m trying to fit into the wrong circle, where I’m not welcome, where I don’t belong, where I just don’t fit, sort of like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole; it just doesn’t fit. It’s not my circle. I have to find a new circle. I have to find my circle.

But where is it and how do I go about finding it? Where do I even begin?

There has to be someplace somewhere out there, where someone exists, perhaps even a few someones, that are like me, that will like me and will welcome me into their circle. I need to find my people, my tribe, my group, my clan; I only was able to once in my life, in my early 20’s at the YMCA group in Ottawa where we were all young adults with special needs. For the first time in my life I was accepted and belonged, I flourished and blossomed and came out of my shell. I need to find that place, those people, again, as I haven’t had it since and certainly not from my own family who always make a point of excluding me, pushing me away, making it clear I don’t matter, I’m not welcome, not a part of this family, not valued or loved, not worth the effort or bother, and I don’t fit in or belong. I  hope for the new YR to be able to find My Circle, where I will finally be allowed in, accepted, and belong.

I also hope in 2018 to find my Soul Mate. I haven’t been laid in over 10 years so I don’t even know if that thing even still works anymore but it’s not even about that; I need someone to even just converse with, and for company and companionship, someone to talk to about things I’m interested in without them rolling their eyes, face-palming, or shaking their head in exasperation thinking I’m stupid and annoying, but that actually enjoys my company and being with me and talking with me and thinks that my jokes and twisted sense of humour is funny, and when I interject a comment or a joke into a conversation they will respond kindly instead of either ignoring me or putting it down and being condescending, demeaning, belittling and dismissive of everything I say. I also need someone to give me physical human affection; I need to be touched, hugged, kissed, held,and cuddled, I need to be someone’s everything, for them to love me with all their heart, to smile when they think of me, to see me as “beautiful” because they love me.I need someone in my life that loves me enough to help me heal instead of hating me  and blaming me for my brokenness and limitations I have no control over.

I need someone who will enjoy the same music I do and not call it Druggie music. I need someone who will smoke weed with me instead of being a judgemental asshole and calling me a Pothead. I need someone who’s artsy, creative, a free spirit and an old hippie like me. I need someone that doesn’t think it’s weird I love hippos. I need someone when they see sunflowers they think of me. I need someone that loves music concerts, sunsets, travel, culture, and riding on a motorcycle as much as I do. I need someone who loves  and honours God. A need someone who treats me with respect and kindness. I need someone who loves me  and accepts me just as I am. I need love. I need alot of change in my life. I need newness, change, beauty, peace, love, freedom, independence, friendship, guidance, direction, strength, courage, wisdom, hope, happiness, joy, and light but mostly I need love. I feel like a dried up withered flower that needs to be watered and nourished in order to be revived and regain life and vitality again.

I’m pretty sure as well when I woke up during the night( and then I was awake from 1 am -4 am until I could get back to sleep again which was really annoying and happens often lately and now I’m really tired,too) I was coming out of the end of a seizure last night as my fists and jaw/teeth were both clenched and my legs were rigid and extended and it felt like I was vibrating. I get fitted for the heart monitor next week as well as get the CT scan results so maybe if I have another seizure something odd will show up on the heart monitor,too, some sort of blip in the heart beat, and maybe I have a sinus tumour or something which would explain the headaches and why my nose is almost always stuffy and has been runny lately as well yet no other signs of a cold; it’s like I have allergies only I don’t now it’s winter and sometimes it hurts and aches under my left nostril and feels like a bruise but there’s nothing there…when I see my family doc I’m going to ask him again to refer me to a gyno( he wouldn’t before) and I still have heavy periods, bleeding in-between, bad abdomenal pain and a p*ssy that stinks worse than a fish market…think raw lobster festering out in the summer heat….I think it must be diseased, perhaps I have uterine cancer or something…in any case, I know something’s causing it, there’s some reason,and it’s in that area, so… friend O( from grade 10 who is now a psychologist) is doing even worse than I am though; he had a kidney removed last year due to cancer and in the new YR he’s having open heart surgery for a blocked valve! Getting old really sucks!



Screen Shot 04-04-17 at 04.47 PM I found this funny thing on Facebook that I put on my page and several of my friends and I had such fun with it and it was hilarious and you should try it out: you have to replace one word in a movie title with asshole and here’s what we came up with:

Back To The Asshole

Asshole Bueller’s Day Off

The Shawshank Asshole

Asshole Club

The Dark Asshole

The Good, The Bad, And The Asshole

American History Asshole

Finding Asshole

Coming to Asshole

No Country For Old Assholes

Asshole,Where Art Thou?

Bridges Of Asshole County

Raging Asshole

A Clockwork Asshole

Silence Of The Asshole

Fantastic Assholes And Where To Find Them

Forrest Asshole

Asshole Redemption

Beauty And The Asshole

Snow White And The Seven Assholes

Places In The Asshole

My Best Asshole’s Wedding

Dirty Asshole

Raiders Of The Lost Asshole

Asshole Movie

Little Orphan Asshole

Clash Of The Assholes

The Asshole House

Asshole The Next Generation.


Speaking of assholes, on the way to the eating disorders clinic my hubby purposely blasted redneck sports really loud on the car radio just to piss me off, knowing I hate it and that I was captive, “hostage” in the van with nowhere to go to escape it and he just did it to annoy me as he always does things to provoke me, and when I tried to turn it off he kept slapping my hand out of the way, harder and harder each time and blared it even louder and told me to get out of the car….and we were on the highway! I told him to just use the earphones so that he could listen to it if he wanted to but so I wouldn’t have to hear it but he wouldn’t have any of it, proving he did just do it to aggravate me. He’s such a bully and I also found out that there’s even actually a term for the way he abuses me and how he twists it around and turns it onto me and makes me question my own sanity,too: it’s called gaslighting. It’s actually a real thing! Words really can’t even begin to describe how much regret I have for ever settling for him; he’s ruined my life.

Good news though: the 13 YR old is improving just as I had suspected: she gained 800 g this week and their target goal is 500 g a week! They also started her on anti-anxiety meds to help with her moods and “distorted thinking” and one of the side-effects is increased appetite too which will also be helpful! As well, I saw this character on one of the kids’ video games with really massive masculine muscular legs ,arms,and abs and I commented, That’s hot! and then they all started laughing at me as apparantly it was a girl but I never knew; it certainly didn’t look like any girl I’ve ever seen; it looked like a dude so now they’re razzing me I have a lesbian crush  and it was my inner lesbian coming out and it’s just so humiliating and embarrassing and they keep bringing it up and I’ll never live this down. I honestly did think it was a guy though….now I feel so stupid and, of course, they know exactly which “buttons” to push to humiliate me and tear me down even more and to make me feel even worse about myself than I already do and they take advantage of it.


Screen Shot 04-03-17 at 08.29 AM When I took Buddy out for his early morning walk yesterday morning I noticed that twice someone had graffittied duhar on our driveway in chalk and I thought that maybe it was some gang and that it was some sort of gang symbol , targeting our house as they intended to return and rob us….but as it turned out it was one of my own kids and not a gang afterall; they had “delayed” April Fool’s Day a few days later as on Saturday no one was home to celebrate it and prank anyone as the 17 YR old was away at a Cadets activity, the 13 YR old was at a youth group event, the 15 YR old had her cheerleading competition and the 22 YR old was at his jiu-jitsu.

I thought it was doo-har but it was actually d’har as in what d’har? so of course they all got a big laugh over it, and as well they had hung 8 or so potatoes suspended from the hall ceiling on the second floor but by the time I saw it there were only 2 left hanging, and someone also put a wart pad on the handle of the toilet, and the 13 YR old replaced the 15 YR old’s framed photo studio portrait on the wall with a framed colour diagram of the human body, complete with internal  organs as she has this “thing” about human anatomy; it really grosses her out,and she always shrieks, too much H.B! (human body) I’m sure they must have done other things,too, but that’s all that I found out about…

I finally got my nails filled in and touched up as well; I just went to a salon here and they use the same stuff and the guy doing it was really meticulous with the filing and polishing,too, and the fill-in was only 27$, incl. tax, and when I’d mentioned how my hubby didn’t want to have to wait for me to get my nails done he goes, but isn’t that what marriage is all about? and it made me think, he’s right! and that realization really hit me hard. My hubby also got something on sale and he ended up paying more in tax than he did for the actual item, as they had the nerve to charge the tax based on the cost of the original listed price and not on the reduced actual sale price that he paid! They really do cheat us and rip us off, more than we realize!

The house next door is now also for sale now again as well as the one across the street, and my friend P (from grade 6) and her boyfriend just got back from a cruise to the Mexican Riviera and yesterday they left for another trip to the Caribbean, also still celebrating her 50th birthday! so lucky! He’s a keeper! She should hold on to that one and marry that guy! The 10 YR old always tells Buddy he’s “bad” too even when he doesn’t even do anything(and I tell him not to or else when he really is bad he won’t know the difference and it won’t mean anything) and my mother tersely replied, he’s breathing,that’s enough! She’s just so mean and I’m tempted to draw a swastika on her backpack because she’s so full of hate. She’s just a mean, nasty, spiteful, mean-spirited,vindictive,bitter,hateful old woman!


screen-shot-02-20-17-at-03-26-pm I was bored so  for a joke I doodled on this pamphlet for breast cancer screening that I got mailed from my doctor’s office. It came with the bra and hanger and I added the body so it looks like mine. Now there’s an image that will be burned into your mind forever.Some things you just can’t un-see.

The Room.

screen-shot-10-18-16-at-09-17-am-001 While the 15 YR old was out at her friend’s house, the 13 YR old and the 17 YR old “decorated” her bedroom! They always prank eachother and this was their latest. It looks like someone’s been very busy! Every night for the past 2 weeks or so I’ve also had that same recurring dream that I move back to my old Toronto house, and last night I had another dream,too, that I had a baby and my hubby didn’t like the way I’d changed the diaper, so I took the diaper-wipe with shit all over it and threw it at his food as he was eating and yelled at him, “Eat shit!” Dreams are so weird.

screen-shot-10-18-16-at-06-32-pm-001 The 17 YR old and 2 of her friends also baked these cookies and they look ok, and at first they taste ok…..but wait for it….wait for it….then the after-taste hits you,and wham!…it tastes like ass! You never know what monstrosity she’s going to come up with next. I doubt that even the dog would eat it, but we couldn’t give it to him anyway as it had chocolate chips in it, and chocolate is toxic to dogs. I also found out my Facebook friend in Greece is transitioning to female and he’s started taking hormones…..oh,ok then……and my mother bought this beach towel on sale and it said “Liverpool Football Club” on it with the slogan, “You’ll never walk alone” but  the way it was folded on the towel rack all I could see was, “You’ll never walk a…” and I thought it was “You’ll never walk again.” HA!

screen-shot-10-18-16-at-06-31-pm-001 I also drew eyebrows on Buddy with a black Sharpie just because. It’s the most hilarious thing but it makes him look so sad.My mother says the animal-freaks will post hateful comments but it’s funny and they really should lighten up if so(no Dachshunds were harmed in the making of this) and as I was walking him I peeked into a neighbour’s enclosed porch window to glare at their elaborate “Satan’s Day” (Hallowe’en) decorations only I didn’t know he was right there, staring right back  at me, and he waved to let me know that he saw me, and I was just so embarrassed! Now he’d think I was looking in his window, and am some sort of creepy peeping-Tom, when really I was just peering scornfully at his decorations!

screen-shot-10-18-16-at-07-11-pm I also found this and it’s so ME! It sums up how I feel. I also heard a pretty girl say something about another woman that she was “so ‘perfect'” as if comparing herself and feeling “less-than”, and it sounded like insecurity,and it really caught me off-guard and surprised me; I never thought that pretty girls felt insecure; I thought it was just something that ugly girls like me struggle with, unless, of course, she doesn’t even realize how pretty she is….

My mother also bragged and gloated that she’s “taken care of people her whole life”, her mother and brother, her patients at work, me and my family…and I told her she’s acting like she thinks she’s some kind of martyr and she huffed, “At least you finally admit it!” and I told her that taking care of people and helping them is just part of being a family; it’s what family does, and at work it was her job, she got paid to do it, and she only did what was expected; it wasn’t a “sacrifice”, and when she goes around all puffed up with pride and self-importance thinking, “Look what a wonderful,great person I am!” that it’s not a giving or selfless spirit!

Obama Jesus.

Screen Shot 08-22-16 at 08.11 AM While I was asleep one of the kids (I later found out it was the 13 YR old who has this odd obsession with US President Obama) had placed photos of Obama over all of the Jesus pictures in our house as a joke, so someone must have been very busy, and as it turns out we have 30 Jesus pictures( she counted). At first I actually thought it was the 21 YR old who had done it since he’s known as a prankster and he was the one that taped a cigarette in Jesus’ Hand on one of our Sacred Heart of Jesus pictures,but it ended up to be the 13 YR old, and it was kind of funny, but it would have been even better if she had done it on April Fool’s Day.Now she has to take them all down though,too….

My hubby also left the door open as he usually does and I told him to shut as because Buddy might run out onto the street and he said, “Good!” and “*I* was here FIRST!” and then right after he hurt himself on something, so it was like God getting “back” at him for being mean and I just love watching karma in action! The 15 YR old likes to mock me too and always jeers about my “fake Prada sunglasses” and my family is always making fun of me, hassling me,and making me the butt of their jokes,insults, and ridicule and then they wonder why I think they suck?

Screen Shot 08-25-16 at 06.44 PM THIS also came with our hydro(electricity) bill but I guess that’s what happens when you do at least 2 loads of laundry a day and run the pool pump and A/C and my mother’s horrified and embarrassed and told me NOT to post it for all of the world to see and that she “doesn’t want everyone knowing our business” etc. and I told her too bad; it’s my blog and I’ll post what I like, and she over-reacts about everything, and then she said that *I* “under-react” and that I’ll get a bunch of hate messages from all the enviro-freaks. Really? We DO  pay for the electricity that we use, which IS metered, and our most recent bill was almost 700$.I actually thought it kind of funny that we use so much more than the average. We’ve  never been “average” in anything!

My mother was being snarky to me over something else as well and when I told her she “has attitude” she goes, “You HAVE to, if you want to try and survive living in this house!” and I told her she can leave then and she told *me* to leave instead,and oh, I only wish I  could but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go, and then she was telling the 15 YR old to pick up papers off the front porch but to NOT put them in the garbage can as it had no bag….but not to put them in the garbage can inside in the kitchen either, so then I said, “You tell her you want her to pick them up but WHERE is she supposed to  put them?” and then she snarks, “I don’t care! She can shove it up her ass!” WTF?  Seriously, what is  wrong with her? What’s her problem,anyway? Why is she such a bitch?