The Clock Radio.

Clockradio I have this clock radio( similar to the one pictured here) on my bedside table so I can see the time during the night and listen to the radio( the rock station of course) and around 5 am(it was still dark and I was fumbling around, half asleep) I started coughing so I reached over for a drink and my bracelet somehow got caught on the cord of the clock radio and when I jerked my arm away it went flying and landed on the floor and as I fumbled around in the dark, eyes half open, trying to pick it up I must have pushed some buttons as when I retrieved it the time was wrong and kept flashing and the radio channel was gone and it was silent…..oh, f*ck…..just great….just what I need at 5 am when I still want to go back to sleep….

So I put on my mini flashlight and tried fiddling around with it to re-set the time and the radio and it took me 30 minutes to try and figure it out and I finally got the right radio station but the sound was really low, almost non-existant and I had to hold it pressed up close to my ear to even hear it the faintest bit and the clock I couldn’t get as it uses the same buttons to set as the radio and every time I’d try to get the right time I’d lose the radio station so I just gave up on the clock and opted for the music and had my hubby take a look at it later in the day to see if he could fix it since he’s the smart one and he could probably figure it out in like under 5 minutes….

….and so he did, and in no time at all, only instead of doing it upstairs he unplugged it and brought it downstairs and so by the time I had brought it back upstairs and re-plugged it in again the time was wrong again and I still have no idea how to fix it right and he didn’t want to walk upsrairs to fix it again so it still has the wrong time flashing but at least now I have the music back and the volume is louder and I have no idea how he did it as I don’t even see a volume button on it…..but in the process he also somehow set the alarm for 4:50 am so now in the mornings I get blasted awake by this annoying beep and I have no idea how to disable it,either; I pushed the button that looks like a bell I assume is the alarm but it still keeps going off every morning. Shit……why does everythingalways have to be so hard for me all the time?

Speaking of hard and of things always going wrong and never working out for me, I thought trying to grow my sunflowers indoors would keep the seeds safe from being eaten before they could grow….but now the damn mice inside dug out and ate my new seeds so I had to try it yet again,third time, and now I have no seeds left, and this time I elevated them high up on a tall glass tower( balanced high on top of a glass vase in the windowsill as they can’t climb up glass) and put a mouse trap beside it( and I caught one of the little f*ckers today,too!!) so hopefully that will work. WTF though? Why is it so hard just to grow my sunflowers? I mean, all I want is sunflowers! Why is it so hard? My hubby said maybe it’s not meant to be…..not meant to be that I have sunflowers? really? how about more like it’s just something else that doesn’t go right for me….all I want are some sunflowers……it shouldn’t have to be that hard!

The 11 YR old also announced that he’s non-binary and I thought he meant the gender thing( and to tell you the truth I’m not even entirely sure what that term even means) and when I asked him if he even knew what that means and then he  came out with some long complicated math term! Geniuses really freak me out, and child geniuses even more so, my God…I keep seeing these black squares moving all around my computer monitor as well only I don’t know if my computer or monitor that’s the problem or if it’s my eyes, and now I found my music headphones snapped and broken into 3 pieces, obviously NOT an “accident” twice sabotaged, and the 14 YR old was impressed she met an activist who had marched on Parliament Hill thinking it was like climbing a mountain or something, like scaling Everest, and then I told her it just means attending a protest, rally, or demonstration in front of the gov’t buildings in Ottawa, like how I attended that Communist party rally when I was around 19.; it doesn’t mean that you actually marched up a hill.

 

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Carrier.

Alpha1New  I saw the gastro specialist and got my test results: no blockages or scar tissue(from my gallbladder surgery) obstructing my bile ducts….but the genetic testing did come back positive: it turns out I am a carrier ( I inherited one of the defective genes from one of my parents. If I inherited two; that is, one from each, I would have a much more severe case) for the Alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency, meaning my liver lacks the enzyme it needs for itself and the lungs in order for proper functioning, explaining my liver(eg. elevated enzymes, liver failure with my last pregnancy and Obstetric Cholestasis, gallbladder issues, abdomenal pain,etc.) and breathing issues and increasing risk for me to also have other related liver and lung conditions, interestingly also aneurysms, which I once had a dream was going to be my eventual cause of death: an abdomenal aortic aneurysm. The doctor said it’s also worsened by smoking( but I smoke weed rarely; I generally use the cannabis oil) and as I’m a carrier my kids have a 50% chance of also being carriers of the defective gene themselves, unless, of course, my hubby also happens to have passed on the same thing, although that’s highly unlikely as it’s fairly rare….that’s me, I’m always that rare one-out-of-a – million, unlikely statistic….

When I announced this to my mother a scowl came across her face in denial and the first words out of her mouth were a curt, Well, that must have come from your father’s side!! although the more I think about it I think it’s more likely that it actually came from her side of the family since there are several relatives on her side that have had both liver and gallbladder issues,incl. even cancers, and besides, she’s the one with the genetic issues given the inbreeding with both her grandparents and great-grandparents, both of whom married first and second cousins, so there’s also that… in any case, there’s no “cure”; just something chronic that I have to live with and I just try and manage the symptoms, such as milk thistle can ease the liver, diet(some people find wheat, gluten, or dairy-free helps them, or less gassy foods) can help with my IBS, Benadryl for the itching,etc.

This also explains why my entire life I’ve had breathing problems, get short of breath, am exerted easily, have that nagging cough,tightness in chest, etc. and this proves those gym teachers in school wrong who always accused me of just faking it, pretending I had a breathing problem when I said I can’t run around the gym or I get out of breath, dizzy and faint and will pass out…..they said it was just an excuse, and even my own family does as well and accuse me of just being fat and lazy and inventing some imaginary breathing problem as an excuse (why I can’t walk far, run up and down the stairs, do strenous stuff,etc.) but now I have validation, actual proof, a definitive diagnosis, an answer, an explanation. My hubby was happy as well less medical appt’s now too he has to drive me to because apparantly it’s such a big effort, hassle, burden, and time and effort for him to take the time to take me, even though he also takes my mother to all her appt’s and the kids to all their activities and has no problem with it….but anything for me is always such a problem….

My hubby also said he applied for another job but it’s in Ottawa so if he gets it we’d have to move closer to there so he can drive into the city there for work but due to our past trauma there we can’t live directly in Ottawa itself, but rather in another township nearby in close vicinity but not exactly in Ottawa, and besides, after the trauma we endured there I can never go back there again, let alone move back there and live there; that would certainly set back my healing and recovery and completely undo whatever progress I might have made over the years since we left. I just wouldn’t feel safe there anymore,anyway.

When I came back home after my app’t Buddy was so happy to see me as well; he always runs over and is excited but this time he was even crying when I came in the door; he was whining, running around in circles, wagging his tail furiously it was going ’round and ’round in circles like a propeller, jumping up at my legs for me to pick him up, it was so sweet and it was so nice to be missed and to be greeted like that. I know he loves me. ♥The 11 YR old said he was sad and mopey the entire time I was gone as well and just sat there on the stair landing or in front of the front door, head hung down, sulking, forlorn, waiting for me to come home.

 

Sunflowers.

IMG_1380[1] Now it’s the long weekend in May and safe from frost traditionally I planted the sunflower seeds for my garden this year. I hope they work though and the birds don’t eat the seeds before they have a chance to grow. I have them poolside, leaning up against the fence. I’m looking forward to it so I hope they work, and I put an entire pack of seeds in, allowing for likely half to die so we’ll see how many flowers I end up with and if I die before they bloom in late summer then every time my family sees them they can remember me by my sunflower garden.Every time they see the sunflowers they can think of me.

We also had a BBQ and if today is my last day alive I had a good day; I planted sunflowers, I smelled lilacs; I spent it outside with the 11 YR old who was bouncing on the trampoline and when I took Buddy out for his walks the lilacs were out on the neighbours’ and I could smell their sweet fragrance every time I went by and I love the rhythm of the neighbourhood as I go on our walks too and don’t want to move. The girls tried to cut my hubby’s hair too only they forgot to put the clipper on the razor so now he has some bald patches(it’s really noticeable too but he can always wear a hat for a couple of weeks until it grows back in) and when I came home from church yesterday and got undressed I noticed I’d worn my blouse inside-out the entire time, but it was one of those gauze, flowy, embroidered “Peasant” blouses so it sort of looks the same way either way so hopefully no one even noticed…

Cupcakes The 16 YR old also baked these “sundae” cupcakes and most people thought they were too sweet but that’s the point. Buddy and I loved them. I also heard this song on my radio last night when I was in bed from The Who (one of my fave. bands) I recognized from when I was a kid and it brought back happy nostalgic memories and I wanted to get it for my iPod only I didn’t know the title and only remembered a few words from the lyrics this morning when I got up and they have literally hundreds of songs so it was really hard trying to find it and then the inspiration just suddenly popped into my head, Check under Pete Townshend…. as he was the main writer for most of their songs…..and sure enough, I found it! It was actually one of his  solo songs, and not from The Who as such, which was why I was having so much trouble finding it before as I was checking under the band name. The name of the song is Let My Love Open The Door, BTW, in case you were wondering.

I also see the gastro doc this week and he’ll have answers to my tests such as the scan to see if I do have blocked bile ducts or any other liver issues and if the genetic test came back positive for the liver enzyme that also affects the lungs so hopefully I’ll have some answers but I fear it’ll be the same as always; they’ll say that all the tests came back normal and still no explanation for my symptoms and pain…then the week after I see the cardiologist, the handsome Egyptian guy and I will be nervous and awkward for that app’t because he’s just so hot and I’ll be distracted and it’ll be hard for me to be able to concentrate on what he’s saying to me when all I can think about is how much I want to f*ck him and imagining kissing every inch of his glorious bronzed body….oh, my God…..

 

Liar, Liar.

PantsOnFire Remember that little rhyme from when we were kids: Liar, liar, pants on fire? That’s what was going thru my head today: last night I was looking out my bedroom window at 10 pm when I was up in bed as 2 police cars were across the street(and going from house to house with flashlights peeking in backyards) and some neighbours were loudly setting off fireworks( which made poor Buddy go ape-shit; he was shaking and scared and kept whimpering and hid under the bed) so I looked out my window to see what was going on(because I’m nosey like that) and I also happened to see at the same time the 16 YR old coming home from work walking home alone by herself in the dark at night which she knows isn’t safe and she isn’t allowed to do.She either gets a ride or the 23 YR old walks her at night.

Now normally my hubby picks her up but he decided last night for some reason he’d rather go see a movie than pick her up and she wasn’t able to get a ride home with anyone so she walked, even though she should have called a taxi as it’s just not safe for a female to be walking alone at night; you can get raped or killed….and when I confronted  them today about what I saw he told me that she told him she got a ride home last night, which was an obvious lie as I saw her with my own eyes walking alone, and when I asked her she told me that she never told him that; that he’s making it up….so either way someone is obviously lying and they both are compulsive liars I have caught lying many times before so now the dilemma is which one to believe? Which one is lying this time? Who is telling the truth? There’s no way to know since they both are known for lying and due to it I can’t trust or believe either one. That’s the thing with liars: once someone lies to you, you never believe them again.

This time, however, I have a “feeling” that it’s the 16 YR old that’s lying; she probably just told him she got a ride home so she wouldn’t get in trouble for walking home alone when she knows she’s not supposed to. Now she also has emergency taxi $$$$ in her purse to carry with her at all times as well from now on in case something similar happens again and she doesn’t have a ride; if for some reason she ends up stranded somewhere, whether at work or if out anywhere, with friends or whatever; if my hubby can’t pick her up for some reason, an emergency or whatever, and no one else can get her, or if the friend she’s with they have a fight or something and she gets ditched or if the driver’s been drinking, or whatever; it’s best to have the emergency $$$$ in case she has to call a taxi. She also doesn’t see the big deal or why I was so mad but I just want her to be safe and also one thing I won’t tolerate is lying.

MarkleDress The Royal Wedding between Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was yesterday as well and although I didn’t watch it I was still eager to see her gown and I was disappointed that it was so plain, so simple.(My mother said it looked like a bedsheet) I was expecting something fancy(esp. for a Royal wedding) like with beads, pearls, sequins, lace, etc. on it, with intricate beading and detail and it was just so …blah… I was surprised and let-down. I expected alot more. I think Kate’s gown was nicer, but my fave. was Princess Diana’s; now she had a really gorgeous gown! Generally I’m not into the Royals but I have to admit I’d take a few peeks here and there and keep up on wedding details(although in secret as my hubby would make fun of me) as it is kind of fun to be a part of the excitement, and besides, weddings are big events for girls and we always love discussing the dress, and who doesn’t love a good love story, and a fairy-tale wedding where the girl marries her prince, am I right? ♥

Is THAT How Normal People Do It?

BNormal Reading my Facebook friends’ accounts of their Mother’s Day celebrations with their families  such as getting cards, flowers, gifts etc. from their kids, phone calls, getting taken out to brunch or dinner, going sailing, being celebrated and told how they’re loved, having meals prepared for them, breakfast in bed, home-made treats, thoughtful gifts and gestures, signs of love, etc. made me say aloud to myself, Is that how normal people do it? ( to redeem himself though, yesterday the 23 year old did finally wish me a belated Happy Mother’s Day and gave me a hug; he said he got the days mixed up and thought it was yesterday) which is something I often find myself saying, thinking, or wondering,often aloud. I compare my crazy dysfunctional, f*cked up family to other people, Is THAT  what normal people do? Is THAT how normal families are? Is THAT what normal people say? Is THAT how normal people are? etc. You get the idea. It always surprises me how completely different other families and other people are from us, how different the dynamics are, how differently they function, how differently they relate to eachother, how differently they do things, how differently they live, and it always leaves me feeling lacking, a loss, a sadness, a longing, and a yearning for the love, encouragement, support, validation, praise, acceptance, inclusion, kindness, belonging, compassion, understanding, security, closeness, bond, and unity I don’t have with my own family.

As well, the 11 YR old finally beat the 15 YR old at a certain video game so it’s now officially been decreed by all the kids that he’s now a Main Character(and no longer a Dog)…yeah…..don’t ask…..I’m not even entirely sure,either; it’s just one of those things my crazy family does…he passed his Main Character Test…. and for the past 3 days I’ve been on IB Gard, which is  a natural formula for IBS, mainly concentrated peppermint  oil that soothes and eases out the kinks and spasms in the abdomen and it seems to be working: I haven’t had the abdomenal pain since and as soon as I notice it flaring up or cramps beginning I take 2 pills and it lets up, so we’ll see, but it looks hopeful….yes, yes. yes…. I have a nice, deep dark tan now as well being outside every day and feeling the warm sun on your face is the best feeling in the world.It’s a gift from God, and it’s free!

Screenshot_566 My Facebook friend in Brazil’s baby also turned 2. Here she is. She’s just so cute. She just keeps getting cuter and cuter all the time. I just had to post this. I can’t believe she’s 2 already. Can you believe she had her when she was like 45 or 46? I also decided that sometimes you just have to live in the moment and those are the best memories, and Buddy woke me up during the night last night,too, furiously pawing at my face and whimpering, and I remember I was coughing so I wonder if I was maybe having a seizure in my sleep again and stopped breathing or something(or choking on a feather from my pillow, perhaps?) and he was trying to revive me, knowing something was wrong? I just love that dog so much. God knew exactly what I needed when He sent him to me. He’s my best friend and my co-pilot in life. Everyone needs someone to walk beside them along the road in life, like Paul had Silas; I have Buddy. He walks along beside me in my journey and is my right-hand man. There’s always a spot for him next to me.

I also had this scary nightmare that the volcano in Hawaii on the news the entire thing blows, and not only that but the entire chain of volcanoes along the Ring Of Fire along the Pacific Coast erupts, and the rumbling during the eruptions then causing massive earthquakes and tsunamis and flooding, decimating the coastlines all along Asia, Australia, and North and South America,; it was catastrophic, like we’ve never seen before, like in one of those doomsday end-of-the-world movies.It was horrible, countries sinking into the ocean, and all those people, millions and millions of people…

The Plumber.

MarioPlumber So, 2 plumbers came to access the damage as to why our ceiling was leaking and then crashed down to the hallway below. It was the toilet like I had suspected…..only it was also much worse; not only is the pipe leaking( they shut off the water to third floor bathroom, so now when I have to get up to pee during the night I have to stumble all the way down to the second floor bathroom in the dark trying not to fall down the stairs in the dark in my semi-awake state) but they have to completely replace all the old copper pipes in that area, even though I thought we already did have all the old copper pipes in the house replaced when we first moved in 15 years ago( I guess there was some they forgot?) and tear out the entire ceiling in the hallway on the second floor below to do it…..yet another expense that we can’t afford…. and this is going to cost thousands of $$$$$$! Where is the $$$$$ going to come from? They said they’ll be back next week so now we have a week without use of the third floor bathroom,and guess who uses that bathroom during the night, to wash her face, and getting up first thing in the morning and before going to bed last thing at night? Yup……me.

Maybe the gastro doctor was right,too: if everything else “major” is eliminated for my stomach and abdomenal pain IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) is left, a gastro condition causing pain, cramping, gas, constipation and diarrhrea and is often seen in people who suffer from depression and stress, most commonly middle-aged women. I wouldn’t be surprised; I have so much stress in my life; now not only does it effect me emotionally but now physically as well but if it is IBS I’m surprised it causes this much pain though but she said it can, and, of course, there’s no cure, it’s just one of those chronic things you have to live with. It figures. Just another health issue to add to my list. Yet another pain in my life.

The thought came to me as well that maybe the reason none of my suicide attempts never work as it’s not my time is that maybe someone still needs me and that someone is Buddy! Even though my family doesn’t give two shits about me and no one else cares about me Buddy loves me and he does depend on me and needs me; I’m the one that takes care of him and looks after all is needs and if he loves me as much as I love him when I’m gone he’ll be devastated and feel lost just like I would without him,and maybe he needs and loves me just as much as I do him, and I need to be here for him. He is the only light, joy,and love in my life, and perhaps, I am his only, too, and God’s keeping me around here a little longer because I have to take care of him and he needs me, relies on me,and loves me?

I also wanted to clarify when I mention about how it broke me when the 15 YR old went thru her struggles being suicidal and anorexic and when she pulled away from me after we had been so close and decided she didn’t love me anymore even though she was the person I was the closest to, and it was the last straw after a long list of years  and years of traumas and  constant misfortunes, tragedies, bad luck,loss, stress, crisis, and and hits that just keep coming and coming that just  pushed me over the edge. I just love her so much when she broke and to watch her fall apart destroyed me and then when she also pulled away from me it just shattered me and it was too much and just broke me.I’d reached my limit. Seeing someone I love so much suffering thru something like that, breaking so hard like that and then being shut out was too much for me and it tore me apart and was the “trigger” point of the beginning of the end for me, the decline I was never able to recover from and the point I just decided I couldn’t go on any more. I don’t blame her; she can’t help breaking any more than I can; it’s just that after what happened to her and to our relationship as a result, it was more than I could handle and it decimated me.

My hubby also had a job interview and there are jobs in Markham and Nova Scotia and Markham is too close to Toronto so there’s no way we could ever afford to live there and Nova Scotia is more affordable, but the Maritimes are known for having really bad weather, being right along the ocean, such as bad hurricanes, flooding, and blizzards, plus they are the provinces(as well as BC) that are very hostile to homeschooling. They said it went well and will let him know in a week. He also got hit by a car! I saw 2 red circles on his shins and I thought it was from working on the fence, that maybe he got his legs mixed up with the fence posts and hammered his legs instead…but someone wasn’t looking where they were going, driving really slowly luckily, and bumped into him….at first I thought he was joking..when he said he was hit by a car…..well, you know, of course I didn’t believe it….

I also heard Classical music coming out of my window A/C…..weird, I know…and Buddy was trying to catch a mouse in the rec room and got trapped amongst a “maze” of boxes and tightly squeezed in furniture and things and was tightly wedged in there and if he’d gone even a bit further he would have gotten stuck and the spot was so small and tight I wouldn’t have been able to get him out; he was almost at the point of no return if he’d kept going after the mouse….so, out of concern for his well-being I called him to Come!…. and he looked confused as to how to get his way back out, but he listened to my voice and followed it until he was able to back out and navigate his way thru the dark “maze” and find his way out back to me, where he popped his head out and saw me and then he perked up, wiggled his body and wagged his tail in joy and ran over to me, bounding over, leaping into my arms, joyfully, and it reminded me of us and God: even when we are afraid, feel alone, are scared,  can’t find our way in a dark, scary situation, don’t know where we are or how to find our way out, don’t be afraid. Just listen to His voice and follow Him and He will see us safely thru and get us out. If we listen to His voice and follow Him he will guide us back to safety, back to Him.

The Ceiling.

ceiling1 We’ve had a leak in the ceiling in the second floor hallway for awhile now, coming down thru the ceiling fan/light, even when it’s not raining. At first I thought it must be the roof leaking, like we have in the kitchen but now it makes more sense it’s more likely coming from the third floor bathroom(probably the toilet, like what happened at our old house in Toronto and the entire kitchen ceiling came crashing down) just like the 15 YR old suspected. We’d had towels there to mop it up, not a pail to catch the drips as it covers such a wide spread area no bucket is big enough to cover the leaking area. The paint had also been peeling there from the wetness and it’s stained.

I noticed just today a square-shaped crack and said it looks like it’s going to come crashing down,and guess what….less than an hour later it did, right on top of my hubby as he had the ladder up there to disconnect the fan/light after he cut the power. The fan ,mud and debris from the ceiling rained down on him onto his back and arms but luckily not his head. He doesn’t even have any cuts or scrapes, he’s just dirty and smells like sewage and had to have a shower. The photo here shows the hole in the ceiling….

ceiling2 …and this one shows the mess that fell below on the floor. So now we have to call a plumber and whoever else to repair not only the leak( my hubby saw a hole in a rotting drain pipe) but also to fix the ceiling hole…..another expense we can’t afford. Something bad ALWAYS happens to us in May every year so I guess this year this is it; the expense of the plumbing and ceiling repair. My hubby thought it was losing his job last month, just a month early but I warned him, no, it wasn’t instead of; it was as well as; that something else was still coming in May…

As well, I saw the gastro doc that removed my colon polyp, for a 6 month follow-up and she said if the ulcer meds don’t heal up my presumed returned ulcer in 2 weeks she’ll do another scope to see what’s going on; if it’s returned or what else’s causing the pain,and she said my polyp was bleeding so much they had to put a clamp on it too when generally they just stitch it,and it puts me at a much higher risk for colon cancer as well so I have to have the colonoscopy re-done every 3 years. I still have that stabbing pain behind my left eye as well with my headache and explosive diarrhrea too that spews out with such explosive force it would rival that volcano in Hawaii. I also had a dream I was dying and my last words were, Look at them! They’re so beautiful! and my mother asked, What? What do you see? and I answered, Sunflowers! There are thousands of them! As far as I can see!

I wonder as well when you die and find yourself on the Other Side  if it’s like when you suddenly and abruptly awake up after an anesthetic after surgery, disoriented and unaware of where you are and are trying to get your bearings and find where you are , what time it is, what’s going on, where you exist in that time, etc. until you hear a reassuring voice, It’s ok, you’re in the hospital. You’re awake now in the recovery room. Your surgery went well  and then you remember where you were and why you were there, and then pain sears thru you and you realize it all, but at first you open up your eyes completely unaware of your surroundings and what’s going on, and how much time has passed.You’re only aware that you exist, but not in what context.

Last night I also woke up in bed during the night and I gazed out my bedroom window I could see at eye-level what appeared to be 2 bright stars, just 2, which is unusual as there’s normally more, and to have them so low, at eye’level from my bed,too, it made it feel like they were there just for me, twinkling, as if God was reassuring and reminding me, I’m here. I love you and care for you and am watching over you. and I just stared at them, mezmerized, in deep thoughtful prayer and contemplation, for what seemed like forever, and then I realized they weren’t really even stars afterall but rather just a light shining off the big tree in front of my window, bouncing off the window pane glass, reflecting in the moonlight, but it looked so convincing, so real, and maybe part of it was all just my imagination, but it was nice either way, whatever it was.It also goes to show how perception is everything and how your perspective can change even though the situation still remains the same.

It happened again a couple of other times during the day as well; I was outside and I thought I saw pussywillows on one of our tree branches, bringing back happy memories of my childhood when I used to pick them and bring them home and put them in a vase, and I haven’t seen them in years but I loved them as a kid, but it turned out at closer inspection it was really actually just unfurled baby leaves that were curled up so tight they looked like it, and from my window in the morning it looked like there were tiny little sunflowers all over the tree at the front which I knew was a hallucination and wasn’t real, for one thing sunflowers don’t grow on trees and it’s not the right season for them(I’m planting them in my garden this year BTW), and I hadn’t had any weed, so it wasn’t that…..it’s just me losing my mind, but it brought back happy memories and made me happy and smile so there’s nothing wrong with it and no harm was done.

I also had another happy childhood memory come back where I was at camp with 3 of my friends and we were spinning around on the big tire swing tied to the big old oak tree,trying to get shade ,relief from the beating down heat of the summer sun, trading our Charlie’s Angels cards, eating ice cream, and discussing the new Carrie movie,and I even remember what I was wearing,too: ponytails, a plaid Holly Hobbie blouse that I had undone the last 1-2 buttons from the bottom and tied up into a knot, the fashion of the day, white terrycloth shorts, knee-high socks,and my striped Adidas running shoes. I was so happy then. I wish I could get it back again. I wish I could be that girl on the swing.I enjoyed life. I wish I could feel like I did that day on the swing. I wish I could get that feeling back again. I miss her. I miss me. I miss living. I miss being happy.

I also saw this one, lone, withered, dried up leaf left on a tree branch where all the other new buds have appeared and are opening up, and it’s barely holding on, just clinging there by a thread, not letting go but almost there, with just a small breeze it will be carried off and be free , flying and floating off, and I feel like that leaf; just barely holding on, desperately clinging, ready to let go, just waiting for a strong breeze to lift me up and carry me away, for my opportunity to arrive, for my time to come when I can finally let go and in a whisper just be released and drift away.

The 15 YR old had a good birthday yesterday and I’m glad.One thing I also miss about the closeness we once shared but that has been lost now is that we both had a shared love of hippos. They were both of our fave. animals and I still love them but she doesn’t. Now she even says she hates them. I realize, of course, that people grow up, they change, and they don’t always like the same things they once did, but this was one of our shared special things, something we bonded over and now it’s gone,too,and it symbolizes a common shared interest that I’m now alone left with, and I feel almost “abandoned”, just like I do  ever since she’s pushed me away. It just broke my heart and was the critical point in breaking me(as well as when she broke herself,too; it just gutted me) and when she withdrew from me,shut me out, and stopped loving me  it caused me to just withdraw from life completely and just drop out and give up. That was the final shove that pushed me completely over the edge. I just love her so much and losing her just tore me apart.I still pray every single day that I get her back…..