F*ckin’ COLD!!

Screen Shot 12-14-17 at 07.47 AM It’s f*ckin’ COLD out! It’s so frigid cold you can’t feel your face or anything else! When Buddy went out for his morning walk he didn’t even want to go pee; he just stood there stubbornly in refusal, trembling and shaking, and he was limping along and then collapsed as his feet were just so frozen cold. He eventually did go pee and then I scooped him up under my arm and carried him back inside so he wouldn’t have to walk on the cold snow any longer. When he got inside he quickly burrowed deep under his warm “nest” of blankets and hibernated and I tossed my heated blanket on top of him as well to quickly defrost him and warm him up, my poor boy. I said it must easily have been the coldest day of the year so far and my hubby said no, January or February of this year must have been colder, but no, I even heard on the news it is the coldest day of the entire year so far, even colder than any day this past January or February, so I win. I wish I could hibernate until spring, on a beach in the Caribbean! I’m done with this cold winter shit already.

As well, when I was in the kitchen preparing a meal I all of a sudden felt faint, like I was going to pass out, only this time at least I had a “warning” like I usually get; I had that creepy weird restless feeling plus I started to see the flashing lights warning me I have mere seconds to quickly sit down before I pass out and go down hard, so I sat down for a few minutes until it passed and then resumed my activities but it just all of a sudden came out of nowhere suddenly without any warning leading up to it; I didn’t feel sick or dizzy or anything, and then it was fine although now the abdomenal pain is back again and my stomach feels uneasy. That’s one of my biggest concerns lately if I’m out someone alone, like, say, at church, or even worse; on the way walking to church or back by myself; what if I faint again and no one’s there to help me, or even worse; they rob me or something while I’m passed-out laying there on the ground, or even on the road and I get run over by a car? I was fortunate last time it happened in the kitchen and people were home but next time I might not be so lucky…



Not Much.

Screen Shot 12-09-17 at 08.01 AM Nothing much happened today.

I just love this; the colours, the style, the design, etc. It’s  the Unicorn Cafe in Bangkok, but it would be my dream bedroom style, I’m such a girly-girl! It’s just so pretty, pink, pastel, feminine, dreamy, magical, pretty well every girl’s dream room and even at my age I still love it. A friend of mine remarked that it looks like a unicorn barfed up rainbows. I can just picture it with  nice Queen Anne -style dresser, wardrobe,bedside table and bed, all painted white, and the bed with a pretty sheer pink canopy draped over the top. I’d never leave my room.

Screen Shot 12-09-17 at 05.32 PM 002 This is also the 16 YR old in her new cheerleading uniform, all purple, my fave. colour. I like it all except for the gloves but I’ve never liked those style of fingerless gloves that’s mesh or has the holes in them. I really dig the fuzzy feet, very 60’s mod-style fashion. Buddy also hasn’t been eating any of his dog food for the past week, not the moist food I put out daily or the hard kibble so I wondered if he was sick so I did an experiment by offering him other food such as chicken, weiners,and pepperoni which he took ok so his appetite is ok; if he was sick he wouldn’t eat anything, and I get the impression he’s hungry always scrounging around the carpet eating whatever he can find as well as constantly mooching off us so it got me wondering if maybe there’s something specifically with the dog food or it’s location that he doesn’t like so he’s avoiding it and not eating it, such as maybe it’s too close to the garbage and he doesn’t like the smell, or maybe the mice have been in it or something, so I switched the location of his bowls but it made no difference, he’s still not eating it, so now I just have to feed him other food now, such as chicken or roast, because he has to eat something. Maybe he’s just become so spoiled now he refuses to eat “peasant” dog food anymore and will only accept real meat, people food now?

The Shoulder, The Wrist, The Chest, And The Toe.

Screen Shot 12-08-17 at 06.25 PM Reading the title for this post reminds me of one of those jokes…. The shoulder, the wrist, the chest,and  the toe walk into a bar…. but actually the shoulder, the wrist,the chest,and the toe walked into the hospital…last night my hubby and the 16 YR old both went to the ER together; a joint adventure, which we’ve been having lots of lately; we should get a family discount rate! My hubby’s had a really sore shoulder for a week now and despite putting heat on it he can’t sleep with the pain so he finally decided to get it checked and it’s a pulled muscle like we figured although he has no idea how he did it, but they gave him a pain shot in the arse(likely Tramadol or something) which helped. The 16 YR old also went for her sore wrist and chest pains she’s been getting at night. It turns out that the wrist is just from over-use at cheerleading and the chest pain is- get this- just indigestion from eating too much spicy food so she has to lay off the curry and sriracha, at least right before bed, and the 21 YR old said just the day before she comes up here to visit us over Christmas break she has to have surgery on her toe,too! We’re all like broken down old jalopies that need an over haul!

As well, we’re supposed to get 5-10 cm of snow, our first real snowfall; before it was just a light dusting that quickly melted later that same day, but at least it’s nice for the Christmas season though and so far I haven’t really felt “Christmas-y” yet, maybe because we don’t have any snow yet, and because we don’t have any lights up on our house this year, I don’t know; I’m just not feeling it. Buddy also started to open up a gift under the tree by shoving his head thru it and making a hole; he smelled there was a stuffed toy in there and wanted to get at it. I also remember Patti telling me about a Christmas morning at her son’s he was the first one up and he’d unwrapped all of his toys from under the tree before anyone got up and when they got up he was playing there quietly with his gifts, wrappers strewn all over the floor, but he’d only opened his toys(I guess he identified by the scent?) and had left all the others. Now that’s one smart(and funny!) dog!

I saw on my Facebook hippo lovers group as well someone described us as hippophiles and it made me laugh at first as it sounds like pedophiles, and I envisioned people being sexually attracted to hippos and it made me laugh my ass off, and I Googled the term before I actually used it myself, to check it’s authenticity(because I just don’t automatically believe something I read online, duh!) and it’s a good thing that I did because it doesn’t mean what you’d think it would,and,in fact, has nothing at all to even do with hippos; it actually means someone who loves horsesYou learn something new every day. So then it got me thinking, What is the “official” term for hippo lovers, anyway? Is there even one?

I got my referral to the cardiologist for early February as well which is pretty good to get to see a specialist in just 2 months; usually it’s 6-12 months I’ve had to wait before, and sometimes even longer, so as long as I don’t die of a heart-attack by then…and I figure the best thing that I could do for my family would be to remove myself from their lives since they hate me anyway and think I’m a burden, annoying, the cause of all problems, the fault of everything, and they don’t want me around or part of the family anyway, plus they mistreat and demean me too and I’m beyond miserable, so if I do die soon it would be doing them a favour and they’d actually be better off and I’d be happy, free, and in a better place too so everyone would get what they want and be happier. A win-win situation for everyone. Hey, God, did you hear that?…hint, hint…




Bloody Hell.

Screen Shot 12-05-17 at 06.38 PM This month Aunt Flow is really bad, and I mean really bad. It’s so heavy it’s practically hemmoraging and I was even wondering if I even had to go to the ER but then decided against it since no one ever takes women’s things seriously anyway, like when I mentioned it to my doctor before he just shrugs it off as part of being a woman and something I have to live with even though I’d had it now for some 37 years and I know what it’s like, what to expect,and what’s normal and I know that this is not and it’s not how I usually have it; it’s changed this past year, alot heavier and crampier, and I thought as you neared menopause it was suppose to lessen and ease up and get better, not worse!

In any case, the cramps are so bad it woke me up at 2:00 so I staggered downstairs to get some medication so I checked my Diva Cup (which I only wear overnight in bed as I sleep because it always falls out when I walk upright so I use tampons during the day) and it was full right to the top and it had only been a few short hours, and normally when it goes all night it’s only half-full or less, plus I’m soaking thru a tampon and it’s string, saturating it, soaking thru to my pants, every hour. I know I’m bleeding way too much and it was hard to get thru at the clinic with the 14 YR old yesterday too the cramps were soooo bad but I just drugged myself up and pushed thru it. I wonder if it’s maybe even uterine cancer or something? Why is it so bad now?

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This is also Buddy with his new toy the 16 YR old got him and it’s even personalized with his name! Isn’t he just adorable? My Old Boy will be 12 in 2 more months and he’s really showing his age now with grey on his face and paws and he’s slowing down walking now,too; we’re growing old and grey together,and maybe we’ll even die together, snuggled up together in bed? The 18 YR old also got 100% on her photojournalism mid-term, and the 23 YR old’s GF has Strep Throat, so he’ll likely catch it now,too, since it’s so contagious and he would have been kissing  her (hee,hee!) and it’s so common among campus and dorm life I remember when my oldest was away at university he had it 3 times!

I also heard that the 18 YR old’s former friend as a teen(who I called Klepto because she stole) had a baby a few days ago, a boy almost 9 pounds and she dropped out of highschool as well, typical teen mom redneck highschool dropout in this town, and  it baffles me when we compare and see the differences in their lives; between the 18 YR old, away at school, and hers, a life most likely spent on welfare living in a trailer.

My hubby’s known for distracted driving as well, such as the typical cell phone but also oddities such as putting on his deoderant, clipping his nails, reaching behind him looking for something, eating sunflower seeds, throwing garbage out the window, etc. while driving, generally on the highway, and the other day he also stupidly took both hands off the wheel and held them up in the air like some sort of crazy fool and I told him, What are you doing? You’re going to get us all killed! This isn’t an airplane you can put on auto-pilot! Man, do I ever hope the cops catch him one day (and I’d laugh my ass off…….and I’d sing like a canary,too!) and he finally gets what he deserves and learns his lesson.

The Gingerbread House.

Screen Shot 12-03-17 at 08.16 AM 001 The 14 and 16 YR olds tried to make a gingerbread house from scratch but as soon as they put the last piece on ( doesn’t it figure, right at the end, after all that time , effort,and hard work) it all collapsed, so instead of a gingerbread house it ended up a bunch of jagged and ragged broken gingerbread cookies instead, but the important thing is that they still taste the same. The 14 YR old also has this kind of “radar” where she can sniff out and detect every sneaky trick I do and put into her food, too, even the other day when I tried to sneak butter into her muffin by carefully and meticulously injecting it with a syringe! I melted the butter to a liquid and poked tiny little holes into it and injected it using a baby medicine dropper/syringe thinking she’d never know the difference, but she still did. I swear, that kid is like those drug-sniffing dogs at the airport that can detect anything. 

The 23 YR old also left a pizza on the floor in his room and of course Buddy could smell it so he opened the door, went in, opened the pizza box with his snout…..and ate all the pepperoni off it! but just the pepperoni,which also happens to be his fave. food, nothing else; he didn’t eat all the pizza, just the part he thought was his, and I guess he figured it was on the floor so it must have been left out for him because we put food down on the floor for him! He’s such a funny dog and always makes me laugh. A neighbour also asked me while I was out walking him what happened to our outdoor Christmas lights this year and I told her my hubby’s too lazy to do them this year and she said that was disappointing. I saw the perfect  Ugly Christmas sweater for me the other day at Spencers while I was out shopping too; it said Merry Christmas F*ckers! only it cost 69.99$ which is too expensive so I never got it. A Facebook friend in USA also had her first baby 2 days ago, on her 37th birthday, a 6 pound 7 oz girl, and she was in labour for 2 days and pushed for 4 hours! Man, it’s insane what we women go thru to bring babies into the world!

I had a bath bomb in my bath as well and it turned the water an orange-red colour and it looked like I’d been butchered, and the other night I was really nauseated(I had to come downstairs and get a Gravol) and on and off I would get really dizzy it felt like the room was spinning and then I’d feel my heart loudly thumping and pounding in my chest and it makes sense that my heart is what’s causing my issues, my seizures, my black-outs, my shortness of breath, my sweats, my not being able to exert myself , walk too far, and get breathless going up a flight of stairs, and my bad fluid retention, nagging cough I’ve had for months, blue lips I often get( poor circulation), cold hands(POOR CIRCULATION AGAIN) light-headedness, dizziness, extreme fatigue, etc.. maybe now I’ll finally have some answers!  I asked for insight from God as well and loudly and clearly the words ventricular fibrillation came into my head, which I have no idea of so I Googled it, and holy shit, if you’re going to have a heart issue this is like one of the worst possible ones to have; the electric rhythm is off-kilter and can it can just suddenly stop beating resulting in a fatal heart-attack. To this my mother replied, You always have to go to extremes, don’t you? You always have to have the worst or rarest of everything! Story of my life.

Broken Heart.

Screen Shot 12-02-17 at 06.44 PM Last night laying in bed trying to fall asleep I felt really nauseated and at times I would also feel really dizzy and it felt like the room was spinning and at that time I could also feel my heart loudly thumping and pounding in my chest and it made me think what the neurologist said about my issues maybe having something to do with my heart, like perhaps it skips a beat, or an abnormal rhythm. The good is though until I see the cardiologist the medication I’ve already been on for years for my high BP also happens to be a medication they give you following a heart-attack and to prevent them. That’s maybe how I’ll die though, a heart-attack,and I’d prefer it actually, because at least it’s quick. It’s not long and dragging on suffering for months or years. It just hits you-bam!– and then it’s all over. I still remember my Babushka telling me the story of her hearing the moment my Dedushka died; he was praying aloud to God, tired of the pain, Jesus, just take me now!” those were his last words and then she heard a loud thud! and found him dead on the floor; he’d had a sudden heart-attack, and then the dental office called just the next day to say his new dentures were ready. 😦

It’s symbolic of my life though, dying of heart failure, like my heart was broken, and it just couldn’t take any more misery, brokenness,and sorrow,and it just gave up and died. I literally can die of a broken heart. With all of the traumas, abuse, rejection, bullying, hardships, struggles, bad luck,and unhappiness I’ve had to endure during my life it would be a fitting end to it to die of a broken heart. It was a sad realization as well that even the doctor ( or my Facebook friends for that matter, even the ones that don’t actually know me in person) care more about me and show more concern and kindness towards me than my own family does. I was also already on the brink of collapse as it was before but once the 14 YR old  broke, and broke hard with her mental illness, eating disorders, being self-injurous and suicidal, and her struggling so much and withdrawing away from me just finished me off; it just broke my heart and broke me down so hard that it was just the Last Straw. That was the triggering point that finally pushed me right over and where I basically just withdrew from life completely.Now I’m like Dedushka, praying each day for God to take me.

The Tank.

Screen Shot 11-29-17 at 08.14 AM Not a good day to wake up to. First of all, when I woke up at 6 am to go pee and wash my face I noticed nothing came out of the hot water tap; it just made a grinding noise, so I used the cold water, but when I went downstairs my hubby informed me that we had no water; that the hot water tank in the basement had been leaking, flooding the basement, and he had to turn off the water but that the repairman was coming later in the day. Ok, except I didn’t have any water, hot or otherwise, for my bath in the morning and it was also wash hair day too, and I just felt to unclean and yucky….ugh…grungy, unkempt….

At night the 14 YR old said she heard a loud rattling, rumbling sound coming from the basement, sort of like how the windows rattle and shake with an earthquake or when a large truck drives by and they shake, and my hubby said he heard a hissing sound, and it ended up to be the hot water tank,and of course when I heard that I imagined the worst( like I always do with my over-active imagination) such as it being built up under pressure and on the verge of exploding, so basically like having a bomb on the verge of exploding in your basement, with the force and capability to bring down your entire house…..but the guy came and was just here shortly; as it turns out it was just a leaky valve which he replaced and all was well again and we had water once again for baths, showers, hair washes, cooking, dishes, etc. It also explains what was leaking before to cause the furnace to short-circuit; I’d just assumed it was water flooding the basement floor from rain. I swear, everything we have is a piece of shit.

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I also woke up first thing in the morning seeing this staring back at me from the top shelf in the fridge: a marinading beef heart. So utterly and completely disgusting I gagged and almost puked. The 23 YR old made it but it was the dog who actually ended up eating most of it, but he licks his ass too so his standards aren’t exactly too high. Patti also stopped by yesterday for a surprise visit too and it was Weed Day so I just sat there politely nodding my head and smiling as she rambled on complaining about all her neighbours now she lives in an apartment and she can hear every sound they make, which she continued to drone on and on about in explicit detail, from the woman upstairs who squeaks her fat ass back and forth sliding around in her bathtub, to others loud clomping footsteps, each one they take, or them noisily moving furniture, or loudly snoring keeping her awake, or something or other that annoyed her, plus all the drama and gossip I haven’t got time for and couldn’t care less about; my mind kept wandering off and I would glance up every now and then at the old musical my mother was watching on TV, White Christmas, anything to distract me as I was watching her mouth move but trying to “mute” the sound, just thinking, Oh, please, just get me out of here. I just wanted to lay down and sleep under my cozy heated blanket and she just wouldn’t stop going on about all these people and I was too polite to say anything. I also think Donna’s already moved out,too, as there’s been zero activity or lights on at her house and I haven’t seen her out with her dogs,either…You know, I’m going to miss having her around.