Log Jam.

logjam It feels like I have a log jam. I’m shitting 4 times a day but only a bit ever comes out at a time( and it’s not diarrhrea) but it feels like it never empties out completely and feels like I’m literally full of shit and I always feel like I have to shit. On top of that I have alot of gas and the abdomenal, stomach, and lower back pain( that I’ve had for  months now) has been really bad every day now, almost constantly ( except for the few HRS the pain relief lasts when I take my weed; it’s the only thing that eases it, nothing else works, not ibuprofin, Buscopan, Tylenol, etc..) for the past 2 weeks or so and the pain so bad that you curl up in the fetal position and break out into a sweat from the pain.

I’m wondering why it’s getting worse, but whatever is causing it is obviously getting worse and progressing. I DO have an umbilical hernia and diverticulosis(as one of the CT scans showed) as well as a polyp on my colon they removed so maybe that could be it causing the pain, or maybe it could be my stomach ulcer is back again, or maybe a twisting or obstruction of some kind in my bowel, or perhaps even an abdomenal or aortic aneurysm or some kind of cancer? There are so many possibilities but how come whatever it is hasn’t been found or treated yet? This is getting really bad….

AppleSwan As well, this is the apple carving the 16 TR old did and when I put it up on my Facebook everyone marvelled about it, and it reminds me of on the cruise ships how they carve fancy designs into the fruit and display them at the buffet, and watching the news they were discussing domestic violence and the expert was describing abuse doesn’t always have to be physical and if he berates and belittles his wife, is controlling, there is an imbalance of power in the relationship,and she keeps being made to feel smaller and smaller then that’s still abuse….and that’s me, what I go thru, how he treats me,and how I feel. I am being emotionally abused. I knew it. The other day when Buddy and I left the room I also heard him say to the soon-to-be ( next week) 11 year old, It left…. and I’m not sure if he was referring to my dog….or about me.

As well with the #MeToo movement about women who have been sexually assaulted I know I obviously was as a kid by a relative, from age 4-12, but what I also didn’t really realize at the time but I can clearly see now is that I was also assaulted on a subway when I was a teen: I was standing up holding on to a pole as it was packed full and everyone was packed in tight like sardines and I felt this guy standing behind me pressing into me, really hard, into my ass, and then he started thrusting his hips into me, grinding, really hard, and I tried to get away but it was too crowded to be able to move. At first I thought it was an accidental bump in the crowd but then realized he was doing it on purpose and I was shocked but I still never equated it was assault, because assault was something that happened to women alone in dark alleys….I just shrugged it off as some pervert but now I realize it was much more than that and it really hit me once I realized what it really was. I don’t find it hard to believe at all that most women will experience assault or abuse of one form or another during their lives at least once….


Ponderings For You.



































As well, it took my poor mother 4 days to do the income tax. I could never do that; too much math, and also too complex, too confusing and too frustrating.If I didn’t have someone to do it for me it just wouldn’t get done. I also put a sort of “alarm” on the inside of my bedroom door to alert me if anyone opens up my door during the night to try and steal Buddy off my bed again while I’m asleep; I put a garbage can full of empty pop cans in front of the door so if anyone opens it it will fall down, knocking the cans all over, making a racket and wake me up, alerting me, so I can keep an eye on my dog and tell them to f*ck off.

The second-oldest is moving to Vancouver(she lives in Toronto now) in the summer as well for a new job in the art field, and the 23 YR old’s GF is going back to California for the summer too to work and see her family and then return here later for her second year of school.It also snowed again too. Where’s spring? I’ve had enough of this shit….


Brownie In Mug.

BrownieMug I got this simply amazing brownie in a mug recipe from the 16 YR old who found it somewhere online. It is the most chocolate-y thing I have ever tasted and the perfect thing if you’ve just had weed. Trust me. It’s  just perfect. The original recipe doesn’t have any pot in it but I have “revised” it to make it a little extra special and to give it some kick but if you prefer just leave the cannabis oil out and it’s still beyond delicious either way. Bon appetite!

3 tablespoons cocoa

3 tablespoons brown sugar

3 tablespoons flour

3 tablespoons oil

3 tablespoons water

1/2 tablespoon vanilla extract

1-4 ml (as you prefer) cannabis oil (optional)

handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips


Mix all the ingredients together except for the cannabis oil and the chocolate chips. Microwave on HIGH for 60 seconds and then let sit for 5 minutes. Stir in cannabis oil and chocolate chips and enjoy!



assholes I live with assholes. I am surrounded by assholes. First of all, the 23 YR old ate Buddy’s chicken hearts which were to be his food for 4 days. Yes, he really did eat chicken hearts. He said he was starving and we don’t have enough food as usual so he ate the dog’s food. He said that his hunger comes before the dog’s…..except not when paid for it with my own $$$ and he still has to eat too and now he has no food! I’m tired of him always taking everyone else’s food,and now he’s even eating the dog’s food, too? So I told him since he took it he has to go to the store and replace what he took and buy him another one and then he says I have to give him the $$$$ because he doesn’t have any $$$ even though I don’t either and I bought it the first time and he was the one that ate it so he should be the one to replace it!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, last night when we were in bed for the night once I had fallen asleep he opened my door and snuck in my room and took Buddy out from under my covers and then shut my door so he wouldn’t be able to come back in. Now normally opening of my door would have woken me up but I’m just soooo tired lately with all my medical issues plus the time change I was dead asleep and never woke up…..that is, until Midnight and then I noticed in a panic that he wasn’t there so I sprung out of bed looking for him all over, frantically calling, the kids laughing, all in on it, not telling me where he was, and I had just woken up and it was the middle of the night and I was worried….I really didn’t need their shit…esp. not then… and I eventually found him sleeping on top of my hubby who was on the couch so I  picked him up and he was just so happy he kept thumping his tail and nuzzling me, as if saying You found me! You came for me! Thank you!! I missed you! and carried him back up to bed and then he nestled in really close to me, he practically melted into me, snuggling right up next to me where he remained the rest of the night.

My family are such assholes. I wish they’d just leave my dog alone. For me he’s sort of like a therapy dog  and I hate it when they tease him, take his food, kidnap him, do things to annoy him, be mean to him, etc. and they’re always provoking and annoying me. I’m thinking that maybe I should have my hubby put a lock on the inside of my bedroom door so that way no one can sneak in and steal him anymore or open my bedroom door and come in to do anything or to disturb me in any way. I also think it’s time the 23 YR old moves out and gets a place of his own. He’s such a “shit-disturber” as my mother says and he’s always eating everyone’s food. When I can’t find anything to eat, for example, I just go without and  go hungry; I don’t take someone else’s. My toxic family are just depleting my resources emotionally, mentally, and physically. You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

As well, I still have the bad stomach, abdomenal, and back pain; I wish I knew what it was like to live life pain-free, I really do, but lately it has just become a part of daily life, a chronic thing I have just learned to live with,and sometimes the pain gets so bad it’s the kind of pain that makes your toes curl, fists clench, teeth grit, and makes you rock back and forth trying to get some relief. It just wipes me out.


Dark Energy.

DarkEnergy I was laying on the couch resting,headphones on, with my eyes closed, and all of a sudden I felt the presence of dark energy, like a shadow filling the room, a bad vibe, like a dark presence and I opened my eyes and saw my hubby had entered the room! It was the weirdest, strangest thing. I could literally feel his negativity towards me and his darkness in my life invading my personal space, my peaceful zone, almost like a dark foggy mist that creeped into the room and disrupted my peace. Earlier I was also in the livingroom listening to reggae  on Google Home and he walks in and just turns it off and puts on something else, something like he likes, even though I was listening to that and I was there first, having no regard for me,and then later on when I was listening to Van Halen and he wasn’t even in the same room as me(I was in there by myself) but in the diningroom he still yells at me to turn that “garbage” off…. he’s just a controlling asshole that delights in provoking, goading,and annoying me, likes to walk in and take over, thinks he’s boss,and likes to try to ruin my enjoyment of the music that I love.

As well, my BFF said awhile ago she was in the hospital for 3 days with an infection( and my friend O who had the heart surgery spent a week in the hospital) and they think it might have been her colon and she had a colonoscopy and biopsy just like I did too but it came back normal and she says she goes on these crazy cleansing detoxes as well she recommended to me but no thanks: she only drinks fluids for a week followed by only eating raw food for a week, incl. rabbit. Yes, that’s right: raw rabbit. Ugh, no thanx. I’d be too hungry for one thing and raw meat is just gross.I wonder if that’s what caused her infection? My hubby’s always saying the diet Pepsi I drink is what’s causing all my medical ailments too even though it’s caffeine and sugar free; he just likes to always blame me somehow. She also asked my to be a reference for her passport. Now that I can do.

I was also rolling a Big Fatty and my mother goes, It smells like weed in here! and the 10 YR old went to a Classical Mozart concert(he’s cultured….I like that) the 14 and 16 YR olds have colds, and the 18 YR old pretty well gets 100% on most of her assignments at school and plans to move out of residence next year and find a place elsewhere, and we have now officially started our week off school for March Break! We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog’s prego yet and if Buddy’s going to be a father but they would make beautiful puppies….



The Shape Of Water.

shapeOfWater “He doesn’t know what  I lack or how I am incomplete. He sees me for what I am, as I am. He’s happy to see me every time, every day.” This is a quote from the movie The Shape of Water. It sounds like how I feel. It’s like how my dog feels about me and how God sees me and the kind of love I long for and look for with another person. I am lonely and longing and need to be loved but due to my looks, my medical issues, everything I lack it holds me back and I live a lonely miserable life. It was the same for Elisa, the main character in the movie. She was plain-looking, mute, a timid little mouse with a boring job( cleaning lady) and a boring monotonous life. She only had 2 friends; a neighbour and a co-worker.She craved love and affection just like I do, like we all do.

My mother and I have this tradition where every year we watch the Academy Award winning movie of the year even though we never watch the actual awards show. This year’s winner was The Shape of Water and even though I thought it sounded dumb; the idea of a woman falling in love with a sea creature (it was captured and held in a secret gov’t lab where she works and she befriended it and was horrified how it was being abused and mistreated and hatched a plan to free it and they fell in love) but I watched it anyway and it turned out to be much more than that. It showed that the need and longing for love is universal and that love is where you find it. It gives “incomplete” people hope that there really is someone out there that can look beyond the outside appearance, what society sees as unattractive, undesirable, worthless, damaged, incomplete, not “worth” loving, always being over-looked, cast aside, ignored and rejected and see the inside, something worth loving.Even 2 “misfits” can find eachother and find love. You also see how love and being loved and giving love transforms her. That’s what I want,too. Maybe there is some hope,afterall? This movie inspires me.

As well, I’ve had bad stomach pain for the past few days, so either my liver again or my stomach ulcer, and it feels like a gnawing pain,and I’m so tired my eyes sting and they were really itchy too as well as all over, likely jaundice from my liver, and when I told my hubby we need more $$$ as we’re really struggling he told me to go get a job when he knows that with my medical issues I can’t, plus I have no skill or experience in anything and I don’t work well with people, and then there’s also my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia….and I found out that the $$$$ I get I pay the same that he does each month(he also pays for the kids’ lessons and the van expenses) towards family expenses( my contribution pays the bills, for example and some of the groceries) and he has a job so I think I’m doing pretty well considering, and he also snarked I could help out but I’m done with this family; they treat me like shit, no one ever helps me, no one shares, they bully, berate, belittle,insult, and emotionally abuse me. They exclude me and push me away. They make me feel like an unwanted burden. I’m done. I gave up on them a long time ago. I’m finished. I’ve washed my hands of them and dropped out of life. I’ve had enough. I just don’t give a shit anymore. They’ve broken me.I’m done.



ultrasound Yesterday I had an ultrasound, this time of my bladder and kidneys. They were 30 minutes late seeing me and my bladder was bursting as I had to drink 1 litre of fluids 1 hour before and not go pee so I was swimming in it and then I was late getting seen(so I had to “hold it” for 90 minutes!!) as they had emergencies(it was at the hospital, afterall) they had to squeeze in in-between.  The technician questioned why I had the scan when I just had CT scans and MRI’s but whatever….ask my doctor, he’s the one that ordered the test. I know the bladder and kidneys since lab tests repeatedly show blood in my pee and bloodtests continue to show kidney failure, so there’s that, but I know what she means though; the other scans are more precise and would pick up more details than the ultrasound would.After the scan was done I did this tremendous colossal pee that lasted about 10 minutes long! I just kept going,and going,and going…what a relief!!

In any case, I was so bored waiting too as….wouldn’t you know it….just my “luck”, they had redneck hockey shit playing on the TV in the waiting room and there’s no way I’m watching that, and they never even had any magazines I could look thru either and I didn’t bring my iPod to listen to music as I didn’t expect to be waiting that long…so all I could do was try to focus looking up at the ceiling or down at the floor, not side to side or the other people waiting there might think I’m staring at them,esp. the 2 lesbians that were there, I didn’t want to appear rude. In any case, the scan itself took under 10 minutes and I noticed she spent more time scanning the left kidney than the right one so I don’t know if she found anything and was concentrating on that or if she just might have had a harder time getting a clearer image and had to keep re-doing it… my next test is an echocardiogram in April but I’ve had so many scans and tests and medical appt’s and doctor’s visits I don’t even remember which hospital that one’s even at; the one here in town, or the one in a nearby town….just so many…. I get them all mixed up…

I just hope with everything they finally find out what’s causing my liver, heart, lung, and kidney failure. I just keep getting more and more fatigued every day, no energy, just tired and drained and I can only manage to do one thing and then I have to lay down and I don’t sleep well at night and wake up every hour yet I’m so tired all the time all I want to do is sleep and today my abdomenal pain is so bad for awhile there I even wondered if something was about to rupture. Funny too: the 10 YR old heard me mentioning about Aunt Flow and he was confused and asked the 14 YR old, Who’s Aunt Flow? We don’t have any aunts…. and she just smiled, stifling a laugh. 😀