The Chair.

Screen Shot 06-27-17 at 01.17 PM 001

I love this chair. It’s in one of the therapist’s offices at the eating disorders clinic we take the 14 YR old to. I just shrieked with joy when I saw it and quickly claimed it as my spot for the session. It brings back so many happy nostalgic memories of my childhood in the 70’s. This one’s either bamboo or wicker and the social worker said it was a gift from her husband and that he got it at Pier One Imports which makes sense since they’re known for their wicker furniture. The one I remember from my childhood that I liked to used to curl up in and fall asleep in was also round like this although I think it might have been plastic though although I can’t be sure, and the cushion was a bright orange, either velour or velvet, I can’t remember. I also remember my colourful bean-bag chairs as well that I had and loved. I don’t currently have room in my bedroom now, but I did make a mental note that if we do move again( and my hubby and mother are talking about it and thinking about it) I will buy myself another chair like this for my room, like I had all those years ago and loved. Awww….sweet memories…..

As well, my hubby got the new Google Home device( it links up with other electronics such as your phone, TV, etc.) and adds items to your shopping list, gives you information, turns on the TV and even puts specific stuff for you, gives you weather,plays games, etc. and he’s just like a kid with a new toy. He always has to have all the newest and latest electronics and tech gadgets as soon as they come out! Me, not so much. They’re too complicated for me and they just frustrate me. I don’t even have a cell phone. All I have are the computer and the iPod. The pool guys also can’t come back until next week to fix the pool and the green murky swamp really reeks and stinks like a sewer but my hubby tried(at my suggestion) and he was able to get the pump started so at least now the water’s circulating which should help and when they come back they can put the necessary chemicals in and get the ladder and railing put up. They estimated it’ll take 15 big jugs of “shock” ( liquid chlorine) as well as all the other usual opening chemicals to get it clean, clear, and blue again!

$$$$$$$$$$$….. money pit…..money pit…

The 18 YR old also went to her BFF’s graduation last night and today she left on the train to see her BF again and is going to be spending the long Canada Day weekend with him and going to the festivities at Parliament Hill in Ottawa which worries me as with the big 150th celebration I’m worried it might be targeted for a terrorist attack, with something like half a million people there, and they tend to go for large groups, like that concert and the soccer stadium….. also he’ll be teaching at the same Cadets camp as her as well(which is where they first met,too, at Cadets camp) so they’ll be together all summer,too, which I think is so romantic and sweet and even when she goes off to school to Ottawa in the fall he lives in a town not too far from Ottawa so they’ll still be able to get to see eachother alot.

The 2 boys in Edmonton also got new jobs, and in July the 14 YR old goes to performing arts camp in Toronto and my hubby said he’s staying in Toronto most of the month with her,too, staying at the second-oldest’s place, so it will also be a break for me,too, with him gone for pretty much an entire month and not here to belittle, demean, insult, or put me down,I’ll feel so free, and also a break for a month from having to plan, prepare, serve, and monitor the 14 YR old’s meals and snacks,too, which I’ve been doing, all on my own, for the past 3 months now and it is alot of work so a little break will be nice and most welcome and appreciated.

At the 14 YR old’s app’t the other day the NP also asked her if she likes Toronto and she said she does and the NP said she doesn’t and can’t wait to get out of there as soon as possible and my hubby agreed with her saying he hates the city and I said how I love it and miss city life; that I grew up there and had a life there, and I really miss it, and my hubby snarked how you can’t do anything there and I told him I did lots of things there; O’Keefe Centre, Massey Hall, Centre Island, CNE, great shopping, restaurants, festivals, and I love and miss the diversity and culture,etc… I’ll always be a City Girl…..and he’ll always be a redneck.

Epic Party!

Screen Shot 06-27-17 at 07.45 AM 001

Here are some photos from the 16 YR old’s epic Sweet 16 birthday party and dance that she had at the local highschool that she rented for the occasion. Everybody had fun and there wasn’t too much food left over.

Screen Shot 06-27-17 at 07.45 AM

The theme was pink and black and Chanel. See how nicely the tables were all decorated? It makes me think of a wedding reception. She really planned it out well and put alot of thought, planning and work into decorating and the food and everything. Sign of the times as well: notice how all 3 girls here have their phones nearby and 2 of them have them right in their hands, even at the table? Sigh….

Screen Shot 06-27-17 at 07.44 AM 001 The birthday girl!

Screen Shot 06-27-17 at 07.44 AM

Here is a group photo. There were actually 16 guests not incl. sisters but some people didn’t want to be in the photo so not everyone’s in here. Really freaky,too: see the girl at the front on the bottom right in the purple dress? She looks exactly like my friend Nancy when I was a kid; the exact same face, hair, eyebrows, everything; she looks just like her; it just blew me away when I saw the resemblance!

Shrek’s Swamp.

Screen Shot 06-26-17 at 06.15 PM This is what our pool looks like. Like Shrek’s swamp. The pool guys came to open the pool for the season….except they couldn’t find the “bridge” or something to put up the ladder and railing and there’s no suction so they couldn’t start running the pump so the water’s not circulating and their guess is that something must be stuck somewhere, such as a plug or a dead mouse or chipmunk or something so we have to get them to come back again and “blow out” the system and somehow flush whatever’s in there out so we get suction again and the pump can work. Shit. We always have so many problems, delays,and expenses with the pool. I was hoping we would be open for business but no such luck. Even then and they put all the chemicals in and it starts to circulate thru the system it will still take a few days to a week( maybe even longer if it doesn’t work, which it probably won’t for us) for the water to clear up and get all nice and clear and blue….

We also tried having a BBQ but the coals never got white or hot enough for some reason, not even after 3 HRS so hardly anything ended up cooked, other than a few hamburgers,and all the hotdogs just got warm but the skins never got black, peeling, or blistered( the way I love,and then they’re so fun to peel before you eat) or even the char-broil lines on them, so the BBQ was a bust. My hubby just left all the food on the grill and went off to do something else too it was so slow and nothing was happening and we were all so disappointed; that was our dinner and we were hungry and really looking forward to our food! Of course he never had the sense to go get new coals and try again in case the coals were defective or wet, and I have a suspicious that he probably did something to it on purpose so it wouldn’t catch because he didn’t want to do a BBQ! (he thinks I’m paranoid…..but I’m suspicious; it’s not the same thing!)

I also wake up the past 3 days in a row with a headache and dizzy which usually means a seizure is coming, sort of like a warning, like changes in the atmosphere building up before a tornado, and the headache lingered thru the day yesterday so I took a known headache remedy to get rid of it: weed, and it worked; it was quickly gone and never came back, and I said to my mother, My thoughts are solar-powered and I think I saw a giraffe in the backyard….. and she goes, Did you have your weed today? and I said, Yeah! How did you know? I also saw somewhere that seizures can be a symptom of liver failure which makes sense in my case given my past history of liver problems as well as my high liver enzyme count every time I have my blood work and also my bad fluid retention….

 

Screen Shot 06-24-17 at 07.19 PM 002 This is just here because I thought it was super-cute and just had to share it. Just because it made me smile. It’s also perfect for summer.

The kids like to hide my stuff ( clothes, toiletries, etc..) just to drive me crazy as well and make me think I’m losing my mind; it’s some sort of twisted prank or head game and mindf*ck  thing they do and my mother’s so obsessed with where things go in the fridge; they have to go in certain spots or she goes ape-shit,like when I put something somewhere and apparantly it wasn’t where it “should” be or where she didn’t think it should be,and she was chewing me out and I said, At least I put it back! What’s the big deal? and she shrieked  Not where it belongs! Why don’t you care? and I told her, Because I’m not obsessed with it like you! It doesn’t matter. She wants me to fill out her passport application too( as her old one is expiring) simply because she doesn’t want to do it and couldn’t be bothered but I hate doing them,too, and hate gov’t forms and always have a hard time and struggle with them and almost always make mistakes and fill something out wrong and they have to return it….. and I don’t see too well,either….I’m really not the one to have do it, and then she implies that I sort of “owe” her because she does my income tax(and that’s how she works; she’ll never do anything just to be “nice”; she keeps “tabs” and you “owe” her and when she wants you to do something for her and you refuse she’ll call out that “favour” you “owe” her in return) …..except that’s only because I don’t know how; it’s too hard and complex, and I can’t do math and don’t understand it, so if she didn’t do it, it just wouldn’t get done, and it’s only for the gov’t so I don’t give a shit ,because I can’t do it, but there’s no reason she can’t do her passport re-newal, she just doesn’t want to but she is capable.

He Loves Me.

Screen Shot 06-24-17 at 06.52 PM 001 I know Buddy loves me. Unconditionally. He doesn’t care what I look like. He doesn’t care that I’m ugly. He doesn’t care that I’m fat. He doesn’t care about my Asperger’s, my depression, my bipolar, or my social phobia. He doesn’t care that I’m not smart. He doesn’t care that I fail at everything I do. He doesn’t care that no one else loves me except for him.

He loves me anyway.

He loves me simply because I love him and because I’m kind to him and I take care of him. God’s like that with us,too: He loves us unconditionally,too, just as we are, broken, and imperfect. Sub-standard, below market value, downgraded, second-rate, not desired, failing, losing, struggling, weak, physically flawed, below standards, unwanted, worthless, etc.. Just like the dog, God still loves us despite all that, and not based on how we look on the outside, or how popular we are or aren’t, but based on our being, what we are on the inside, based on our kindness, our hearts, our love. The kind of stuff dogs can sense.

There is no love like the love, devotion,and loyalty of a dog. Buddy is my best friend. He is an angel sent down from Heaven. God knew exactly what I needed when he sent me him.

Love.Companionship. Friendship.

Screen Shot 06-24-17 at 05.01 PM 001

SISTERS.

This is also the 16 and 18 YR olds dressed up all fancy for the 16 YR old’s party. They are both wearing black dresses (as the theme of the party was black and pink Chanel) The 14 YR old also had on a black dress that she made herself but refused any photos and snarled to me when I wanted to see her dress, I don’t want you to see! and quickly scurried away. Seriously, what’s her problem? My hubby also kept forgetting stuff and kept coming back to the house at least 4 times, in his typical fashion.

The Cake.

Screen Shot 06-23-17 at 03.30 PM 001 This is the birthday cake the 16 YR old made herself (with help from the 14 YR old) for her party and dance later tonight. It took her pretty well all day. It’s a few layers and both vanilla and chocolate cake.  It’s going to be one epic party,too, and she’s going to have 16 guests as well as the 14 and 18 YR old, and will be serving a meat tray, veggie tray, cheese platter, fruit tray, melted chocolate fountain fondue to dip marshmallows in, pasta, mashed potatoes, meatballs, salad, chips, candy, pop, the cake,etc.. this is going to be one that goes down in history! She is a diva though and always has to do everything in grand style!

I also have bad cramps (I’m seriously too old for this shit anymore!) and I think “Aunt Flow” is coming, so far a week late, and I took a chance and ate that ham that might have been outdated(what can I say, I live on the edge) and shortly after I ate it my stomach felt sick so I guess it was really rotten afterall, and I also tried camel meat! The 18 YR old had some and it was in a meat patty on a bun with a sweet sauce and it was actually quite good! I also found out she’d taken the train to go to her BF’s graduation; that’s where she was when no one would tell me, and I have no problem with it; I just like to know where my kids are and who they’re with and plus there’s also the safety issue too; you need to know where they are and where to look in case something happens or they go missing. She’s also going back up to see him for Canada Day and they’re going to Ottawa for the 150th festivities.

Screen Shot 06-22-17 at 08.21 AM This is also my fave. photo of myself, taken 10 YRS ago when I was 40, 2 months after I’d had my youngest child. It’s actually the only one where I don’t look too bad so that’s why I like it. Usually I look so hideous I break the camera but in this one I don’t think I actually look half bad and for me that’s really saying alot .Usually I look like either a troll or a drag queen which is why I don’t generally take many photos of myself and hate seeing photos of me. If I were ever to go on a dating site this would be the photo I’d use, ha,ha..holy shit though I’ve really aged since then due to stress….oh, my God!. We also have had lots of rain lately, incl. a big storm last night that woke me up at 1:20 am, incl. more flooding again. I don’t think it’s ever going to stop….I think I’m going to have to start building an ark pretty soon…I’m so tired of all this rain!

Shut Up, You!

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 07.08 PM Once again when I was asking the 14 YR old something she huffed, Don’t talk to me!! and that’s just the typical way the kids, my hubby, and my mother all speak to me, with disrespect, contempt, disdain, condescension, belittlement, and scorn. Anything that I have to say isn’t important, doesn’t matter, doesn’t count, isn’t valued, is vetoed, is never considered or factored, and no one ever wants to hear it. I am always being silenced.

Anything I have to say is quickly dismissed, shut down, interrupted, quieted, shot down, vetoed, insulted, mocked, ridiculed, talked over, laughed off, ignored, disregarded, never taken seriously, discouraged, etc. they say they don’t want to hear it, don’t want to listen, don’t care, it isn’t important, it doesn’t matter, they don’t have time, who cares, no one cares, shut up, no one asked you, mind your own business, no one’s talking to you,Who cares what you say, no one cares what you think etc..

I feel so invisible, so insignificant, so small, so devalued, so unwanted, so second-class.Like I’m nothing.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 02.29 PMMy thoughts, opinions, needs, input, etc. is never considered either, even when it comes to big family decisions or problems, such as when the hall got renovated, or for painting( should we or not, what colour to use) no one ever asks me or my opinion or what I think, in fact, they don’t even discuss it with me or even ask me! I’m left out of all important family discussions, financially, life changing, involving the kids, etc. No one ever tells me anything , asks my opinion or input, and I’m always the last to know anything, even about the possibility we might be considering moving sometime in the near future; I have no say in the matter; whether I want to or not is irrelevant, and I don’t get a “vote”, or a say; my voice doesn’t count, and I overheard too the 18 YR old took a train somewhere to visit someone until the weekend too but no one would tell me where or who, even though I am the mother and would just like to know where my child is and who she’s with and I do have the right to know but I’m left out of everything. They’re really pushed me out in so many ways and it’s very hurtful. Eventually I’m just going to give up trying to get back in.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.25 PMAs well, after I had weed, all the furniture was dancing all around the livingroom, and the 16 YR old wants a summer job and she has a job interview at a hair salon next week and in 2 weeks the 22 YR old comes back after being in California for 2 months and next week the pool guys come and open the pool for the season,too, and the 22 YR old and his GF were on a late-night show as well! They were in the audience during a live taping and he got interviewed by the host! I don’t know the name of it though; I don’t watch late night stuff but I know the host was some British guy because I saw a video of  the clip.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.14 PM The 16 YR old also got a cute little hamster for her birthday! She’s always wanted one, for like the past 7 YRS or so but my hubby hates pets and was always refusing but he finally gave in. It’s name is Tug and it lives in her bedroom but we have to make sure she keeps her door shut so Buddy doesn’t go in there and EAT it, esp. since Dachshunds are bred for hunting and he does like to go after the mice and chipmunks.I had a hamster,named Hammy, that looked just like this when I was a kid and I also had mice, guinea pigs and gerbils. My hubby also sold one of our family businesses to his brother and nephew, (the mobile laser tag) but we still have the vending machines and now all 15 of them have all finally been placed.

 

 

Julio And His Friends.

Screen Shot 05-31-17 at 08.42 AM 003

I still remember Julio and his friends. When I was in Cuba every night I would go to the beach to watch the sun set and I would grab a lounge chair and sit underneath my 2 fave. palm trees and one night there was this group of Cubans in their early 20’s I’d guess that worked at the resort and they were having fun in the water, being boisterous, laughing, yelling, joking around, calling out to eachother, and this one guy would leave the group and run to the shore and someone kept calling out to him to come back, Julio! and then in grand style he’d run back to join his friends and do a somersault on the sand halfway into his run and then jump back into the water.  I enjoyed watching Julio and his friends goofing around, cavorting in the water and having fun, and it reminded me of the fun I used to have with my YMCA group and friends and now whenever I think of my Cuba trip I think about Julio and his friends, they have sort of come to symbolize the happiness and joy I felt at the beach, and on my vacation, and they now have become “immortalized” in this blog, even though they have no idea. For me, Julio and his friends are Cuba.

As well, my mother saw the doctor yesterday for her 6 month check-up and she was worried that he’d find something else wrong with her but the only thing was her BP was really low so he lowered her BP meds; that’s it, and my hubby was only able to drive her to her app’t 45 minutes before as he was “too busy” so she had to sit there in the waiting room and wait for 45 minutes! When I said I thought that was unreasonable and too long she shrugged in resignation, I’ve had to wait my whole life; I’m used to it and I told her, That still doesn’t make it right, and he bawled me out,too, because I gave the 14 YR old her lunch 10 minutes early because it best suited my schedule as I was hot and wanted to go in the shade to cool off and he snorted, You just want to go outside? but my plans, schedule, needs, feelings, and routine aren’t important and don’t matter even though it makes more sense for me to give her lunch first and then go out and be able to stay out for awhile rather than to go out for just 10 minutes and then have to come back in again! Besides, we were supposed to divide up and share the job of planning, preparing and serving out all her meals and snacks for her weight restoration between him, my mother, and I but it turned out somehow that I ended up doing it all just myself so he should just shut up!! I’m so sick of his shit.

Screen Shot 06-19-17 at 03.36 PM 001Here’s also a gross picture I took when I noticed how I had my right leg twisted and you could actually see part of the bone popping out! Isn’t that just creepy? Look carefully, do you see it?The 14 YR old is also going to a performing arts camp in Toronto all of July and the 18 YR old is a leader at Cadets camp all summer, and the stupid Kodi for the TV wasn’t working for me yet again (big surprise!) as I was trying to get the news on, and no one would help me and I was getting mad and they were all laughing at me, goading and taunting me and making fun of me and my mother yelled at me, Shut the f*ck up! and the 16 YR old was spraying water at me from a spray bottle thinking that would “shut me up”, and no one ever helps me( my mother said they’re “tired” of always having to help me, well excuse me for being stupid and always needing help) and they always belittle me, berate and criticize me, and make fun of me and I’m just so sick of it! It really tears me down and hurts my feelings.It makes me just want to curl up and withdraw into myself even more and distance myself from them even further. They’re just  all such assholes that treat me like shit and I really don’t belong here where I feel I’m not wanted, loved, valued, respected, treated with dignity and kindness. I so desperately want to leave but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go….. I pray every day that God shows me a way…