Final Post. :(

Screenshot_1057 I’m tired of my blog  being monitored, censored, edited, and deleted by assholes in my shitty family, most likely my hubby, since I know for a fact that he does monitor everyone’s Internet activity, incl. getting copies of everything of everyone’s e-mail , plus he’s in the computer business and can go thru backdoors and hack in and get around passwords and other security measures to access accounts and censor ,alter,and delete stuff so I suspect it’s most likely him doing it, always trying to exert power, dominance, control and “punishment” over me, but he’s also taught the kids how to hack as well so it could be any of them, but regardless it makes me feel violated, betrayed, under siege, threatened, unsafe, and angry, so this will be my last post on this blog.

I’m sick and tired of my toxic family and their sabotage and I’m taking away this opportunity for them to destroy something I love so in order to protect it I’m going to let it go. Anyone that matters still will find a way to keep in touch and be able to find me. My family follows this blog, knows about it,tries to censor and limit what I say, interfere,and I don’t feel like I have free speech so I have to find another  secret outlet where I can freely speak my mind and express myself that they won’t know about.They’re never going to shut me up or control me. It’s sad though as I’ve been dedicating myself 10 years to this blog and I enjoy it, put alot of work, time and effort into it and really enjoyed it, but once again my toxic family has ruined something else for me.

 

Screenshot_1058 So I leave you with these last final thoughts:

Screenshot_1059

Thanx for reading.

Half A Headache.

SunflowerShirtShelfies Yesterday I had half a headache. Well, not really half a headache but rather a full headache but it was oddly only on one half of my head! I don’t ever remember having one like this ever before, where it’s only one one side; I normally have it all over but this one was weird, just on the left side.It wasn’t a migraine or anything; just a headache, but it actually felt like my head had been divided clearly into 2 halves and divided down the middle and sectioned off so that the headache was contained just on the left side and the right side was totally unaffected. It was the weirdest thing and after I took pills it did go away….but then my abdomenal pain was back(and I’m still bleeding a bit,too) so it’s always something. I don’t think I’ve had a pain-free day in I don’t know how long.

I also ordered this custom-made sunflower T-shirt (at the same place I got my hippo shirt for my Christmas gift which has just been shipped out but the mail is still on strike so who knows when it will show up…) for my birthday gift from my hubby. My hubby also went to a meeting at church to register the 11 YR old for Confirmation. I’d filled everything out and he just had to drop it off but he didn’t want to and told me to walk up there instead  and do it even though it was at 7 pm and I don’t feel safe walking alone in the dark and we don’t let the girls walk home alone in the dark(coming home from work, for example) and either he picks them up or the 24 YR old walks up and meets them so why is it any different for me? I still don’t want to get raped or killed either.It’s just not safe for a woman or girl to be out alone at night once it’s dark. I guess he doesn’t care if anything happens to me. 😦

NOTE: I originally had more posted here, a couple of more paragraphs, but I just noticed now they have been deleted,STUFF IS NOW MISSING and when I checked my stats it said it was edited at 1 am and it wasn’t by me.. Some asshole in my shitty family has been monitoring,censoring, and editing and deleting my blog. f*ck you ASSHOLES! No wonder I hate you.If you keep trying to censor me I will just keep putting it back up.You will not silence me.If you don’t want me to post shitty things you do then maybe you should stop doing so many shitty things!!

Here is the missing part:

As well, one of the kids told me that the 19 YR old's BF is posessive and controlling, which are red flags for abuse, incl. warning for predictable future physical abuse: apparantly he isolates her from family and friends, that he's the real reason she didn't come up for Thanksgiving and isn't coming for Christmas, and he won't "let" her be friends with guys, only girls, and even then only 2 at a time and only people that he pre-approves, and every day he goes thru her phone and text messages and "screens"  and monitors them,etc.... I don't know if any of this is actually even true or not; it's just what I've been told,but it's concerning, and all the kids have been caught lying, making shit up, telling stories, causing drama, and telling tall tales, and getting eachother into trouble, so I don't know <em>what</em> to believe anymore,and when I asked the others they said it's <em>not</em> true, and I hope it's not, but if there is any truth to it, it really worries me as it's <strong>NOT</strong> a healthy or safe relationship. I don't know why she'd put up with this kind of crap though, and she's a pretty girl and would have her pick of any guy she'd want and wouldn't have to settle for anything less, so it doesn't make any sense, but it worries me...what if it really is true?... why do they always put me thru so much stress and worry all the time?

F*ck.

Screenshot_994 F*ck, I’m feeling really, really shitty now. My abdomenal pain is so bad now I’d rate it a solid 8 out of 10 on the pain scale, plus I also have bad cramps, the bad sore back(as always), tired, swollen, achy legs(and so bloated I look like a Puffer fish) and I feel nauseated and sick and just so…..ugh…. I’m bleeding a bit again,too, and I don’t know whether or not it’s a bit of Aunt Flow (which I last had in early June) even though I seem to be in menopause now, or more abnormal bleeding, and yesterday it was so bad and I felt so sick I practically slept most of the day and I took a Tramadol; I still have 5 or so left I keep saved for an emergency; when the pain gets so bad I can’t bear it anymore. I have it pretty much daily now, it’s a constant thing, but some days are better, others worse,now it’s gotten to a point where it’s just a daily chronic thing, and I couldn’t even go to church yesterday I was in such bad shape; I know there’s no way I could stand, or even sit, that long,and my mother said, You know it must be bad if you don’t even go to church!

I also tried to have a nap I feel so crappy, and Buddy came up and joined me, burrowing under the blankets, snuggling in next to me,keeping me company, keeping an eye on me, and he was extra whiny and pawing at me,too, like he knows I don’t feel well, only I couldn’t sleep as I kept hearing what sounded like some asshole on a roof really close by, hammering and sawing, making a huge racket…I just wanted to strangle the f*cker with his extension cord…. and as it turned out it was my hubby, right out on our veranda, right below me on the balcony, putting up the Christmas lights! The Tramadol didn’t do shit, either for the pain, and I’d really be surprised if it’s not cancer actually, and really feel in my heart that it is…..

The 15 and 17 YR olds were also planning on taking the train up to Ottawa just the 2 of them at the end of the month to visit the 19 YR old for a few days over a weekend and hang out, visit, go shopping, etc. and they were really excited and looking forward to it too and planned it for awhile and now the 19 YR old cancelled out on them; she has to work, which I think is a really shitty thing to do; she knows it means so much to them; she should have just told her boss she has family coming in from out of town and requested those days off. The 15 YR old shrugged, Plans change… but I could tell that she was really disappointed. That really sucks.The 24 YR old also said that the average guy has to either have sex or jerk-off 1-3 times a day,too, so guys are even more depraved than I thought they were(and whenever I say guys are perverts the 15 YR old always accuses me of stereotyping….but it’s true……they are!) and if that’s true then my hubby must be getting it somewhere then because he hasn’t touched me in 12 years…..

My Gut.

Screenshot_991 Now the abdomenal and back pain is constant and increasing,pretty much daily now, and I’m nauseated alot,too, which is unusual for me,and my gut-feeling tells me that I have cancer, they just haven’t found it yet. My gut tells me it’s likely cervical cancer, although it may have also started elsewhere(such as the ovary) and spread to the cervix, but when I really go inside myself, when I really look deep, and ask my body to tell me what’s going on, what’s causing my symptoms(which have been going on for at least this past entire year now, if not longer) and why I continue to decline I just know deep down in my gut it’s cancer. The edema’s really bad the past few days as well, and so bad when I press down on my fingers, for example, it makes this deep dent that just stays there as an indented mark,squished in, what they call pitting of the skin in medical terms, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and on top of that my liver must be acting-up again too as I’m really itchy and the jaundice is back again as my skin colour looks yellow-ish. I feel like ugh!

It will be interesting to see how how my family will react though if it turns out I do have cancer, esp. if it’s terminal, which I suspect it most likely is, esp. since it’s beeen going on for so long and the pain is in so many places, like it must be pretty advanced and have spread, never a good sign. Maybe it’s even affecting my entire reproductive system; ovaries, uterus, cervix, and maybe even my rectum, colon, bladder, stomach,and liver as well? I bet they’ll rejoice,actually, Yay! We’ll finally be rid of her!!  plus with my life insurance they’ll also have $$$ to move. I also have this recurring dream lately too I’m in Heaven but I’m going to a formal dance the last day of a cruise with 2 of my highschool friends and I have to look for a dress, and I meet the Love Of My Life there, so maybe there really is a soulmate out there for me only I won’t meet him until eternity; my eternal companion?

BuddyXMas Here is Buddy in his new Christmas sweater the 17 YR old got him. Last year she also got him a Christmas elf one. He’s sick today as well and barfed 3 times but luckily it’s like a clear watery and mucus-y barf and he had a diarrhrea too but later on he started to eat so hopefully he’s starting to feel better, and the 24 YR old saw my sunflower drooping and wilting and remarked, It’s trying so hard to live…. and I told him, It’s a survivor, like me… we’ve both been thru so much and endured harsh conditions and have been in pretty bad shape and yet we continue to survive and defy the odds. The 11 YR old was also playing his Minecraft game and he goes about his character, Look how high I am right now! I can’t get any higher! and I chuckled to myself and thought, Kid, one can never get too high! 😀 Also the wildfires in California are getting dangerously close to our friends’ house; they can see the smoke practically just down their street! Any closer and they’re going to have to evacuate. I often wonder too if we still lived there if our old house would have been affected,too? It’s not even there anymore though; it and neighbours on both sides houses were torn down and an apartment has been put up since.

They also had the Silver Cross Mother on the news; a mother honoured who lost a military son. In this case he’d committed suicide after being in the army and serving in war destroyed him,and what I don’t get is why all these mothers can be recruited and brainwashed by the War Machine and be indoctrinated like that and be so pro-military when their sons have died, and for what? To invade another country and kill other people; to wage war. Why? That was their son’s life and it was lost, taken away, for nothing. Don’t give me any of that crap how he died for his country and protecting our freedoms, etc. It’s all bullshit. It was a waste. Where are these real mothers that cry and scream in rage at the senseless loss of a son, lost to unjust wars, militarism, nationalism, hate, division…..and for what? Why aren’t these mothers crying out for peace and an end to bloodshed and war? If I lost a child to combat I sure as hell would be protesting the military on Parliament Hill, NOT promoting them!!

Garbage Cans.

Screenshot_982 We had 2 critter-proof ( yeah….right… the little fuckers can’t open it but they still just chew right thru the lid!) garbage cans like the ones pictured here and we’ve had them for years but they were falling apart, no handles, the lids have holes chewed thru and are now duct-taped over, ghetto-style,,and one the bottom is falling apart but they cost 35$ each and when you’re struggling financially, 70$ could help pay for groceries or go towards paying a bill and we really don’t have any “extra” $$$$ anywhere to be able to cover it and my mother saw a lottery commercial on TV for the 50$ million draw and quipped, If I had 50$ million the first thing I’d do is buy 2 new garbage cans! and it got me thinking:

If we weren’t so bad off financially we’d get all of our broken, falling apart stuff fixed that we currently can’t afford to replace or repair, incl. the screen doors, the stove, the leaky taps, the toilets, the leaking cracked ceilings, our socks and underwear with holes in it, the saggy mattresses that are over 20 years old and have big dents in the middle and springs popping out, the broken door,etc. I think that would be the best thing about having enough $$$ is not having to worry about $$$$ and having the peace of mind knowing if something needed fixing or replacement that we could just go ahead and do it without second thought, without having to worry about where the $$$ is going to come from, or having to go without because we just can’t afford it, we could just go and get it done. As it turns out, my hubby had bonus points or coupons or some kind of discount off at the store and was able to redeem enough that he was able to get the garbage cans for free and so now my mother is a happy camper. She’s like a kid at Christmas. You’d think she won the lottery!

As well, the calendars I just ordered arrived just the very next day; the day after I’d ordered them, and they sent them by courier too, even though I got free shipping, which is good as with the rotating mail strike for the past 3 days they’ve been on strike here, in our area, with their rotating strikes, and yesterday was grocery day,too, everyone’s favourite day of the week as we finally get food! The 1-2 days before grocery day are what we call Starvation Days as well as we always run out of food, even bread and milk, so that there’s nothing to eat for a couple of days until it’s grocery day and everyone has to scrounge around the house foraging for food like woodland creatures and we’re always so hungry and then on grocery day the entire village rejoices and does their Happy Dance. The 24 YR old said that now with Starvation Days it’s like when we fast during Lent, only worse, and once or twice a week.

We’re supposed to get 2 cm or so of snow today as well and the 17 YR old said if we do that she’s putting up the Christmas tree…..

Bob ‘Mon And Sunflowers.

 

 

I have been looking in the stores for awhile now for a 2019 Bob Marley wall calendar for the wall beside my computer, for my little nook in the play room but I haven’t been able to find it, not even at the malls in Kingston or Toronto, not even in the kiosk that sells calendars,  not even in record stores or card stores,not even both my hubby and I always checking in  to look every time we’re in the area, and so I was starting to get worried, Oh, shit….what if they’re not making them anymore? What if they don’t have them this year? either that, or they only have a few at each location and they sell out quickly; either way I’m having trouble finding it and not able to get one, so I decided to go on the website of the calendar distributor and see at least if it’s even available, and I was relieved and pleased to find out that it still is, as it rightfully should be since Bob Marley is a classic and his music is eternal.

So now I have the dilemma: do I wait and see if it ever comes in the stores and save on shipping costs( I’m really big on not having to pay shipping, esp. here in this country where shipping fees are generally at least the same, if not more, than what you pay for the actual item!) but risk the chance they never do and I miss out (like I often do in life and end up regretting) or order it now online and pay shipping but at least I know I’m guaranteed a calendar, and even with the postal delays with the strike I don’t need it until early January anyway so I still have time…..oh, what to do….

As it turned out, they had a special if you pay 36$ or more you get free shipping and the calendar was 18.99$ before taxes and so I figured Why not just buy another one; get 2 and that way I get free shipping? and at the cost of shipping I might as well get another calendar as it’s practically going to be the same price anyway, and this way I feel better I’m not paying for shipping, and this way I get a Bob Marley and also a sunflowers calendar for my bedroom wall,too! My hubby doesn’t see the logic in it though and fails to see how I “saved” any $$$$ when I ended up actually spending more but for me it makes perfect sense, solves my dilemma, I don’t have to pay shipping, and I end up with an extra calendar!

As well, my mother and I have started listening to Christmas music already. The 11 YR old originally first put it on sort of as a joke to annoy us but it turned out we liked it and it’s already November and Christmas is just next month so it’s really not that early, although I’m still not going to decorate or put up the tree until the end of the month, once Advent begins. Some people argue not to until after Remembrance Day on the 11th but just like not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone celebrates Remembrance Day,either, people like me, for example, that don’t glorify the military and war, and that pray for peace and for the innocent victims of war and for an end to war, not to show support and encouragement for those who wage war and kill other human beings!!!!

Buddy has been also trying to hump my leg constantly all day and it’s like he’s attracted to it like a cat is to catnip and I wonder why all of a sudden and then it occurred to me: maybe now it’s the wintery season and I wear long pants and leggings I stop shaving until spring so maybe now my legs are hairy he likes it and it turns him on or something? He’s also extra whiny, protective, guarding to me, and barking as if he’s trying to alert me, as if he can sense and is trying to tell us something’s wrong, and I increasingly think it’s with me, like maybe I’m dying, dying soon, maybe even just a matter of weeks or even days, and he can sense it and it makes him uneasy, and he gets like this before I have a seizure as well. I also do wonder if I have cervial cancer or something,too, esp. as I continue to get more and more fatigued, have no energy, have abdomenal, stomach,and back pain, bloating, nausea, bad fluid retention, and always feel so drained, run-down, deflated,and like something’s literally sucking the life out of me… in any case, if I do die soon, like before next year, at least my family can still use my calendars, and every time they look at them they can be reminded of me.

Unhappy Hippo.

Screenshot_945 You know how we had to turn our clocks back an HR for the fall time change? I had made sure the ones that didn’t self re-set were switched before I went to bed and then when I got up yesterday at 7 am I’d taken Buddy out, had my breakfast and had my bath, and I glanced at the time and it said it was already 8:45 and I thought, Oh, my God! How could it possibly be so late already? when usually it would have only taken about 30 minutes, and I wondered if maybe I’d spent alot longer on our walk or in my bath than I’d realized or something….then I really had to haul ass and get everyone up for breakfast and church on time… How can it be this late already?

When I called the 15 YR old down for breakfast my mother said It’s only 7:45! It’s too early! so I thought Maybe the time on my computer is just wrong then? Maybe it didn’t self-set last night? so I went around the house checking all the other clocks,too, seeing what the actual real time was. I checked my iPod, the stove, the microwave,the TV, and Google Home….but Google Home wasn’t working,and all the clocks except the iPod still said 8:45 so I figured if just my iPod said 7:45 and all the others all said 8:45 then they must all be right and the iPod must be the one that didn’t self re-set, and so it must really be 8:45 afterall. Just to be sure though I posed on Facebook saying I wasn’t sure what time it was and within seconds a cousin replied and said it was….

7:45.

….What the?????

Screenshot_946 So, let me get this straight: the iPod was actually right all along and all the others were wrong. Then I later find out it was a prank. My hubby and the kids were just mind-f*cking me again, messing with me, playing with my head, playing a trick on me to confuse and befuddle me so I wouldn’t know what time it was, get confused, and end up waking everyone up an hour early(which I did.) They had re-set all the clocks(except for my iPod which I guess they forgot) back again to the old time(and disabled Google Home) so when I got up I’d just think it was the new time, the correct time and not know what the real time actually was.

I don’t know why they always like confusing me and making me crazy.They seem to think it’s funny taking advantage of my forgetfulness but I’m tired of always being the butt of their jokes all the time, and then when I tell them to lay off they blame me and accuse me of being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke; my hubby’s classic excuse trying to justify his constant ill-treatment, insults, put-downs, bullying, and tormenting of me. Also: this also goes to show that the majority might say one thing and there’s this one sole one all on his own saying something completely different and the majority isn’t always right, like the iPod; it was the only one that said 7:45 but it was the one that had the actual time.

As well, for the past 2-3 weeks or so the bottom of my left heel(that’s also the same leg I had the blood clot, big bruise, and that  still always feels tired, achy and sore, swollen and puffy) really hurts and it’s getting worse, so bad now I can’t even step on it.I asked my hubby if he would massage or reflexology it for some relief but he refused; he doesn’t want to touch me because I’m fat and gross. I wonder if it’s arthritis or something, esp. since I haven’t injured it, or if I do have cancer( and I actually do expect the cervical cancer test to come back positive…) maybe it has something to even do with that? Perhaps it’s spread? (I wonder how my toxic family will feel then too if it turns out I do have cancer and here they are they’re always hassling me for always laying around, being so tired, resting so much and sleeping so much….)

Buddy also did this shit that worries me,too: it was a gelationous reddish-pink congealed thing, and looked like it had tiny pieces of flesh in it,indicating bleeding, and I hope just something he ate that disagreed with him and not internal bleeding; that he’s not dying or something; he’s my whole world; my only friend and the only one that loves me. If I lose him I’ll have nothing. Nothing left anymore. Nothing to live for. Nothing to keep me going. I’ll just be so lost, lonely,and desolate.