The Truth About War.

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Guns N’ Roses Lyrics

“Civil War”

“What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can’t reach…
So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!
N’ I don’t like it any more than you men.” *

Look at your young men fighting
Look at your women crying
Look at your young men dying
The way they’ve always done before

Look at the hate we’re breeding
Look at the fear we’re feeding
Look at the lives we’re leading
The way we’ve always done before

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can’t deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

D’you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said, “Peace could last forever.”?
And in my first memories
They shot Kennedy
An’ I went numb when I learned to see
So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
That you can’t trust freedom
When it’s not in your hands
When everybody’s fightin’
For their promised land

And
I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war

Look at the shoes you’re filling
Look at the blood we’re spilling
Look at the world we’re killing
The way we’ve always done before
Look in the doubt we’ve wallowed
Look at the leaders we’ve followed
Look at the lies we’ve swallowed
And I don’t want to hear no more

My hands are tied
For all I’ve seen has changed my mind
But still the wars go on as the years go by
With no love of God or human rights
‘Cause all these dreams are swept aside
By bloody hands of the hypnotized
Who carry the cross of homicide
And history bears the scars of our civil wars

“We practice selective annihilation of mayors and government officials,
For example, to create a vacuum.
Then we fill that vacuum as popular war advances.
Peace is closer.” **

I don’t need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
And I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need your civil war
Your power hungry sellin’ soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain’t that fresh
I don’t need your civil war
I don’t need one more war

I don’t need one more war
What’s so civil ’bout war anyway?

War Crimes.

Screen Shot 04-07-17 at 11.52 AM This is a heart-wrenching photo of dead Syrian children who have been killed in an atrocious gas attack, presumably by their own gov’t, the Assad regime, a crime so horrific and brutal it is a war crime. It’s bad enough to do this to your enemy but to your own people? To babies, children, and other innocents? It is beyond reproach, unforgivable, and crosses a line. The civil war in Syria has been raging on now for something like 7 YRS with half of the population left as refugees and the others either killed in war or living in a war zone. Something needs to be done about this desperate situation, and this most recent chemical attack is the last straw.

If you don’t feel grief, sorrow, intense sadness, if you don’t cry, feel a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes looking at this photo then you are heartless and soul-less. USA decided to bomb a Syrian airbase to hold the Assad regime to account for the recent chemical weapons attack in an attempt to stop it and to show that it is not acceptable in the eyes of the world and will not be allowed to continue. Now normally I would condemn such an attack as aggression and an act of war, yet in this case I do think it’s justified.  Although I generally am a peaceful person of non-violence and against aggression and war, in this case a message had to be sent, and the chemical attacks have to be stopped, and maybe it has to take something like this to get the message across. Something has to be done about Assad. He has to go. It would seem the only way to a peaceful resolution and end to the atrocities and war in Syria is to get rid of the Assad regime….even better…maybe someone can even, you know……get rid of him…..

Normally I am horrified and aghast at USA’s quick actions of war, bombings, and acts of aggression and Imperialism against other countries yet in this case I think it’s justified, just as long as they’re totally sure that it was indeed the Syrian army that did do it, and say, not the rebels or someone else; you have to be pretty damn sure that you find out who actually did commit the crime first, and not put blame on the wrong person, and also consider the possibility that perhaps someone else may have done it and made it appear as if Assad did it…..but if he really is responsible he needs to pay and has to be stopped.He probably did it to flush out rebels in that town but don’t give me any of that shit about “collateral damage”, these are innocent civilians that are getting killed, just regular people trying to live their lives and raise their families as best they can, and their only “crime” is being stuck in a war-torn country.There is no excuse!!

As well, the 17 YR old got 92 % and 95% on her writing essays for the university exams and should hear back if she got accepted into the writing program in about 2 weeks,and while they were in Ottawa she went by our old house too but didn’t really remember it much, other than the big tree that used to be in the yard that’s since been chopped down but she was only around 4 YRS old when we moved, and her friend that moved to USA is on spring break now and he came here to visit her and 2 of their other friends that also came over and I could hear them talking, laughing,being playful,just hanging out and having fun and it made me smile and happy to hear and reminded me of my own teen YRS, carefree and stress-free, and it occurred to me that this is probably the best time of her life, before she becomes an adult, along with all the stresses, worries, financial pressures, and responsibilities that go with it.

The 13 YR old’s also away at a sleepover with her youth group so I hope she’s still eating her meals and not skipping them being we’re not there to supervise her, and my mother’s away this weekend at a hotel in a nearby town to get away as sort of a mini-vacation as well, and it’s going to be a sort of a diabetic coma weekend as she said she’s going to pig-out on all the foods her doctor’s forbidden, such as eating out at the Chinese buffet, Taco Bell, Tim Horton’s, etc… and with her gone for 2 days I get a break,too, away from her and her meddling, criticism,and overall nastiness, so it’s like a break for me,too!

The Food Thief.

Screen Shot 03-17-17 at 09.16 AM I solved the mystery of who stole my food! I searched for evidence, starting in the 22 YR old’s room as he was the most likely suspect since he’s well-known for always taking everyone’s food but I never found anything, and something told me to check the 13 YR old’s room…..so I did…and guess what I found? In her garbage bag in her room I found evidence! remnants of my missing food! BUSTED! At first I wondered if maybe the 22 YR old still ate it and just dumped the evidence there to deflect it away from himself, or so that she’d get blamed but the more I thought about it, the potatoes were left and he would have eaten them but she doesn’t like them and has always left them behind in the past,pointing to her guilt. She denied it of course, saying she doesn’t know how it got in there, that someone else must have put it there…and the kids and my hubby even accused me of being high on my weed and doing it and not remembering…except I would have eaten the potatoes and I don’t even eat upstairs, and I wouldn’t throw the fork away with it,and I’d throw it in the garbage in the kitchen! I just wish people would stop taking my shit.

So I apologized to the 22 YR old for falsely accusing him, as I’m always being accused of things I didn’t do and I know how it feels, but in my defence I just wanted to find out who took my food and he does have a history of it so suspicion naturally fell on him as the most likely culprit, and I never would have suspected her with her eating disorder, being that she starves herself,  so does she not want us to know that she’s eating so she’s sneaking it, or is she perhaps bingeing and purging? I should have followed my own advice that I know time and time again to be generally true: it’s usually the one you least expect.

As well, my hubby needed a Tylenol and he asked where I’d hidden them from the kids and I couldn’t remember and said, “I don’t know! That’s a good question! I forgot! I guess it really was a good hiding spot because even I don’t remember!” and he goes, “Lay off the weed!” ….except I hadn’t even  had weed for a few days(and I was offended at the insinuation!); it’s just my failing mind and my bad memory, I’m just getting old and it’s like I have Alzheimer’s or something, and the 13 and 15 YR old were wailing on me too when I’d comment on them playing video games, such as when I’d get overly-excited and shout out, “Look out! Get him, get him! Shoot him!” and when I said, “What, I’m not allowed to even speak now?” they said, “no, now shut up!” well, excuuuuse me for showing interest in something they’re doing and trying to get involved!  My family sucks! really have to get away from these people; they are destroying me, and I realized as well if I didn’t have Buddy no one would care whether I live or die, and dogs were made so that even the ugliest of us would still be loved by someone.

Falling Up.

Screen Shot 03-15-17 at 08.08 PM I saw on one of the 9 YR old’s video games it said Falling up which struck me firstly as funny as it’s an oxymoron since you generally fall down, unless, of course, you fall up stairs,and then the thought occurred to me that that’s what’s going to happen to me in my life: after a lifetime of always falling down and being beaten down and stomped on due to non-stop trauma, crisis, misfortune, bad luck, trials, challenges,struggles, and hardship in life I also always end up getting back up,too, or fall up, ready to fight the next battle, and also once I die and go to Heaven I’ll be falling up, so after a lifetime of falling down I will eventually be falling up, only for good, in the end,and that’s where I’m eventually going to stay. I will stay up and then nothing will ever again bring me back down. Eventually I will reach a point where I will fall down for one last time and then I will fall up.

As well, someone stole my food I had planned to eat last night out of the freezer and I suspect the 22 YR old, who’s notorious for always taking everyone’s food without asking, and he denied it but it’s not a stretch to assume he’s probably lying, and now the kids are all saying I was probably high on weed and ate it myself and just forgot but I know that I didn’t and I found the empty box,too, and if I had eaten it, I would have put the box in the recycling and not left it on the dryer….and I will find more evidence and find out who did it, such as if I find evidence in his bedroom, for example, that would speak for itself, and a mother is a better detective than any CSI!

A friend also recently said (about therapy) you get out of it what you put in and it struck me as true for anything in life; the more effort you make the better the results, which is logical; the harder you work at something the better the outcome and higher chance of success, however for me in my life I have found no matter how hard I try at anything it just doesn’t ever seem to make any difference, take my appearance, for example, no matter what I try and do with my hair, make-up I put on, clothes I wear, or even getting plastic surgery I’m still always ugly and will never be pretty no matter how hard I try. Some things just can’t be achieved or fixed.

In the movie Lion the main character as a kid ever since he found himself lost also had to always keep running away to avoid danger and it’s the motto of my own life,too just keep running,and it’s funny how themes in movies or movie quotes so often parallel our own lives and circumstances, and I saw on the news now the average  1 bedroom apartment in Toronto costs 1700$ a month to rent; shit….no wonder no one can afford to live there anymore,and 50% of the population rents as no one can afford to buy a house there with the average house price over a million $ for just a typical 3 bedroom, often even without a driveway or garage!

My parenting style and advice can also pretty much be summed up like this:Race at the highest speed, just make sure you wear a helmet! as I want the kids to experience everything that life has to offer, to go for their dreams, to aim high, to travel and see the world, to take risks, to go full speed, to jump in with both feet, to take chances, to do the skydiving or the bungee jumping, or whatever they want to do, to live life large, to go big,to live on the edge, but to just make sure that they’re also careful while doing it, but I don’t want them to shrink back in fear and never try anything ,go anywhere, or do anything because they’re afraid. I’m the complete opposite of my mother: she’s the one that says don’t go on the motorcycle; it’s too dangerous! You’ll kill yourself but I still went on anyway(and it was one of the highlights of my life!) I just wore a helmet.

My mother’s also trying to get the 22 YR old to give her a substantial part, if not all, of his income tax refund, which he says should be a fairly decent amount, assuming he did the math right, but he wants to use the $$$$ for when he’s in California visiting his GF in the summer,and she snarked at him, Don’t you think you should be paying it to me for room and board? and he just shrugged, no…. and walked away. While I do sympathize with her financial need I also don’t think it’s right that she should  just expect him to automatically give all his $$$$ to her,and it is his afterall, and sometimes you just need some $$$$ for yourself and your own needs,too.

F*ck You, Winter!

Screen Shot 03-12-17 at 09.20 AM So much for an early spring, or for spring next week for that matter…..we’re getting another snowstorm and it’s lasting 2-3 days,and it’s a big one,too, we’re expected to get up to 25 cm of snow! All the snow had melted and it had been mild,and then it got really cold again so we decided to drive up to Kingston last night ahead of time and stay overnight in a motel to beat the blizzard to make sure we’d be there on time this morning ok for my EEG which I waited 4 months to get! We were lucky on the drive up; it hadn’t started to snow yet, it began during the night and then it was really bad! I think everyone in the entire city must have stayed home because there were hardly any cars on the road or even on the highway, and the usual 1 HR drive took almost 2 HRS and we saw 6 cars in the ditch!

I feel jet-lagged though as I didn’t sleep well and only got 2-3 HRS of sleep all night. I can’t sleep without my music and I couldn’t figure out how to work the radio and my hubby left me alone while he left to go play cards and he didn’t come back until 23:00 and then he was able to finally fix the radio so I had some music. He left the laptop but the wifi didn’t work for me,either( big surprise) yet when he returned it worked fine for him (I’m convinced he somehow disabled it so I wasn’t able to access his shit while he was gone) and I couldn’t sleep without my incense either, and I missed not having Buddy snuggled next to me,too, and my hubby kept snoring and I kept having these awful hot-flashes where I was just so hot and sweaty it felt like it was the middle of summer!Ugh!

Screen Shot 03-13-17 at 11.18 AM I wore my Converse high-tops as well as I didn’t want to look stupid wearing boots when there was no snow…but then today I still ended up looking stupid wearing shoes when there was snow(plus my feet were freezing,too!) so I’ll never do that again,  and we stayed at a Howard Johnson’s motel which I never have before (I normally stay at hotels when I travel or go on cruises and just been at motels a few times like when we moved in-between houses, and after the fire as they had the ensuites with kitchen units we needed as we waited for our house to be rebuilt) and I didn’t know what to expect and was afraid I’d find bedbugs, cockroaches, or stains on the sheets or something, but it was ok. Mother Nature tried to sabotage my app’t but I refuse to let her; I’ve fought more formidable enemies than her and won; she doesn’t know who she’s dealing with! We just worked around it and went up the night before.So, HA!

I’d also had my weed a few HRS before(as I didn’t know we were leaving, my hubby just comes up and tells me last minute) and we stopped off at Harvey’s to eat on the way and it was quite complicated trying to figure out how to order all my items and toppings on my cheeseburger with my muddled, foggy mind and I couldn’t figure out how the plug in the tub worked,either, and I was convinced when my hubby left me in the room alone that he’d hired someone to come and murder me, that it was the perfect plan; we go away overnight, in a motel,and he slips away for a few HRS and while I’m there alone an intruder comes in and kills me.Hearing we were staying at a motel the 13 YR old also goes, “Ewww!” and I told her, “It’s not like that! We just don’t want to be driving in the blizzard!” Someone has a dirty mind!

So now you know why this blog post is later than usual. I had to wait until I got back to do it. Even if the wifi had worked I can’t use the dumb laptop anyway; there’s no mouse and it has this touch-pad thing and you have to move it by moving your fingers only it doesn’t go in the direction you want and it keeps going round and round all over the place, in all different directions,and all these pages kept popping up out of nowhere, and I just can’t ever direct it to where I want it to go…..it’s just so frustrating, and besides, I’d have no way to access the photos I have on file on my desktop computer at home or any way to copy them using the laptop so I wouldn’t have any photos..Life is hard when you’re stupid.

F*ck winter!

The Shoes.

screen-shot-03-01-17-at-12-54-pm-001 I already know what I’ll be getting for my Mother’s Day gift this YR….because I already ordered it! (my hubby doesn’t usually know what to buy so he just has me choose something  I want and then he pays for it): Chuck Taylor Converse  high-top sneakers in purple! ( or Frozen Lilac is the official colour name) I already have it in orange and pink. I can’t say how much love these shoes! It’s my fave. style and I’ve been wearing them for YRS, for decades. When I told him what I wanted he just said to go ahead and order it online and use my credit card and he’d just pay me back later, but then when I did and sent him the info so he’d know what he bought he goes, “What? I’m not buying you shoes! You already have a million pairs of shoes!“(in reality it’s probably more something like 10 pairs) but he’d already said that he would, that it was ok,and besides, it’s my gift,and what I want,and the idea is to get something that  like, and we’re so poor now that I don’t have any $$$$ to buy things I need or want anymore so now if I like,need,or want something it has to end up being a gift for either Mother’s Day, Christmas, or my birthday.Before, when I used to have $$$$ if I wanted something or saw something I liked I would just buy it, even on a whim,and not even have to worry about how  much it costs or how I’m going to pay for it.

That’s what my life’s been reduced to: depending, relying,and waiting until special occassions for my necessities. I feel like a child, who has to rely on his parents for all his needs.

As well, the 15 YR old had a cheerleading competition in Kingston and her squad came in first place in her division, and the 13 YR old being told she’ll have to start keeping a food journal and write down her feelings as well as a form of therapy to deal with her eating disorder and corresponding emotional disorders and anxieties that accompany it I told my hubby that’s the main reason I do this blog, as a form of therapy, as writing is very therapeutic,and if I didn’t have this outlet would he prefer I cut myself or something(as he’s always complaining about the blog and what I say on it) and he shrugged, “I don’t care. You’re an adult. It doesn’t matter.

Just like  don’t matter.

The 17 YR old also painted this really nice painting for the 13 YR old to make her feel better and to let her know she’s loved( which I thought was nice) and we all love her and care about her and are worried about her,and when I went to her appointment my mother told me not to wear my weed shirt, I guess so they wouldn’t get the “wrong” impression, although in this case it would be the right impression, but they’d take it the wrong way, and I asked the 22 YR old if I could borrow his Rolling Stones shirt,too, and he wouldn’t even  let me, even though he always  borrows my shit….and he never even asks,either, stuff like my Crocs, my flip-flops, my mitts, my parka….he just takes  them…how would he like it if I do the same thing to him, hmmmmmmm?

Trust.

screen-shot-02-24-17-at-06-41-pm I was watching an episode of The Blacklist and the main character, Reddington, had been poisoned,and discovered that it appears that it was his right-hand man ,and most trusted confidante that did it,and it reminded me of what it feels like to be deeply betrayed by someone that you trust and that’s close to you,and how that it usually are the ones that are closest to you that end up being the ones that betray you, as well as the ones that you’d least expect. That’s what my life has taught me.

I learned at a very young age that you can’t trust anyone. Anyone other than yourself and God, that is. Not even your own parents, your own family, your own spouse, your neighbours, your friends, your co-workers, your aquaintances, strangers, and certainly not the authorities;let’s face it, most people can’t be trusted, and they’re probably going to deceieve you, lie to you, use you, trick you, frame you, set you up, twist things around onto you, betray you, cheat you, steal from you, report you, etc. in one way or the other and can’t be trusted and it’s usually not the enemy that you’d most likely expect,either, but the closest friend, the spouse, the traitor in the family, the one that you trusted with your life, the one you loved like a brother.You’d expect it from an enemy but the worst damage and betrayal comes from someone you loved and trusted.

They are the ones that will most likely betray you.The ones that are closest to you, that have the most access to you, the most confidential information, know your daily routine, your weaknesses, and that you think would most have your back, your best interests, care about you, could be trusted, would be “safe”, were loyal and had honour, were your friends, loved you, looked out for you, watched out for you, etc. Look at Jesus and Judas. He was one of His closest friends and one of His Apostles. Talk about betrayal. Look at Caesar and Brutus; he was his best friend.

It’s always the ones closest to you and the ones that you least expect.They are the ones that will cheat on you, betray you, sell you out, poison you, murder you, abuse you, turn you over, turn you in, set you up, frame you, turn their backs on you, be two-faced to you, talk behind your back, plot behind you, incarcerate you, commit you, assassinate you, report you, etc. I wasn’t all that surprised in The Blacklist that someone the closest to him was most likely the one who poisoned Reddington in an attempt to kill him. It usually is, and that’s what makes the betrayal all the more worse and the hurt all the more painful.