The Tweet.

Roseanne I am sad and disappointed to hear the Roseanne show, despite how popular it is, has now been cancelled, all due to a stupid racist tweet Roseanne Barr posted on Twitter the other day, comparing a Black woman to an ape. Well I agree it was stupid, racist, inappropriate,and uncalled for, I also keep in mind that she is widely known for her big mouth, brashness, unpopular opinions and controversial humour,but, that being said, she still does have the right to her own personal beliefs and opinions and along with that, the right to freely express them on her  own personal social media accounts and it’s not right that she loses her entire career , which she has built for decades, just over one stupid Tweet. it’s just not right. I think it’s over-reacting that a person is smeared and loses their entire reputation, career and livelihood just because of something they’ve said, because of an unpopular opinion, or something stupid they posted, or because it’s not politically correct. Political Correctness has gone too far. What next, the Thought Police?

I personally don’t like, or agree with, her personally, or her politics(she’s a Trump supporter, a gun rights advocate, pro-abortion and a feminist) but regardless I still do like her TV show( and think it’s funny) because I am still able to separate the two. Like with any celebrity; singer, actor, musician, writer, etc; they can be the shittiest human being in the world; drunken, racist,arrogant junkies that cheat on their spouses and beat their wives and kids or what have you but that still doesn’t make them any less talented; they can still be excellent actors, musicians, writers, etc. and you can still enjoy their creative work without liking them as a person, and their personal private life and their personal opinions and beliefs are their own and their own business and shouldn’t have anything to do with their professional life.I have loved so-and-so’s work and then been disillusioned to find out how terrible they really are as people but it doesn’t mean that I all of a sudden stop liking their work. This is just as bad as the McCarthy Era where celebs were blacklisted for being Communists or being gay.Your personal and private life is your own and has nothing to do with your professional life and should be separate.it’s no one’s business.

Now due to one stupid Tweet, many other actors and writers on her show are all out of work; it affects several people,and I think Roseanne should have just made an apology and deleted her account and moved on. People do stupid things and shouldn’t be punished for a mistake for the rest of their lives. People need to be more forgiving and move on. What good does it do to destroy a person for a mistake?Everybody makes mistakes and does stupid things. We’re human.

 

30May2018 As well, look how oppressively HOT it is! It actually got up to 31C. It’s so hot it’s even still hot in the shade and even I had to come indoors to cool off,as much as I love being outside; I was starting to get heatstroke.I’m so glad we got the pool open and now with these hot days it won’t take too long for the water to warm up!

SunflowerSprouts Look! Some tiny little sunflower sprouts are also starting to grow! yay! Finally! Success! My little babies!!!!!

Advertisements

Blacklisted.

B&C You’re not going to believe this: the drama with Patti has taken on a whole new new twist: now she has effectively blacklisted  Buddy; she has completely removed and erased any and all traces of him from all her social media, both past and present deleted all photos of him on her Facebook page except for one photo in which she oddly added that he is her dog’s new friend Buddy, who is part Chihuahua and part Yorkie… which is total shit since he’s purebred Dachshund! She’s also deleted all photos and mention of the puppies now too. My guess? She somehow found out even though she’s blocked me so I can’t see updates on the puppies that I still found out a way to spy on her anyway so she’s getting rid of any proof of any existance of Buddy from her dog’s life, trying to act like he’s NOT the father of her dog’s puppies, so that I can’t try and make a claim on them when all I wanted to do was see them.I can’t believe she’d just blow off Buddy like that though, just like she did with me, this from a person that used to coo at him and lovingly refer to him as her Grand-puppy (it made me hurl) and I suspected only came to visit me because she wanted to see him.

Despite that, I still have photos of them together, such as the one pictured here, as well as several others that I took myself.,and of course, there’s always DNA testing when you get right down to it. What a crazy bitch though! OMG! So we’re all over here huddled over the computer laughing our asses off at how totally weird this is all getting and at how far she’s going with it, how f*cked up it all is and how she’s driving the bus to crazytown. What a piece of work though, I swear. I really am better off without her. I should have knwn we wouldn’t have been a good match for friends right in the beginning as soon as I knew she likes to watch those lame reality shows like The Batchelor and The Kardashains. Really, though, what a kook! Who needs people like that?

As well, the 16 YR old came 2nd in her cheerleading competition over the weekend. I had this weird experience walking Buddy as well. I was just overcome with this really weird feeling that’s hard to describe but it felt like everything was just swirling around in my head and I felt like my entire body was going to explode and I was convinced everyone could tell something was wrong and that they were all staring at me and I had to keep repeating to myself in my head, Just keep walking, just keep walking, just keep walking until you get home…. and I made it.

Well Deserved.

Screenshot_449 My mother and the 16 YR old were being mean to me again and the 16 YR old was being even more of a bitchy mean girl than usual. When I asked my mother why her, my hubby,and the kids always gang up on me, blame me for everything, constantly belittle, berate, demean me and put me down, she smirked, It’s well deserved. Can you believe it? What kind of person says something like that? As for why they always blame everything on me she tersely replied, Because everything is always your fault! and she goes on to say that her and my hubby didn’t turn my kids against me but rather YOU did that yourself! Again, everything’s always my fault and I’m to blame for everything. It’s even my fault that they treat me like shit, as if I somehow deserve it, trying to somehow “justify” their cruel bullying treatment of me and then the 16 YR old goes on mouthing off at me being haughty and dismissive, heaping on the insults and being really disrespectful and nasty.

I’m so sick of all their shit. I’m sick of this family and I’m sick of this life.

Then later on the 11 YR old was teasing Buddy, making him bark, and he and I were curled up on the couch, him behind my legs and my eyes were closed, and my hubby came up to him and hurt him somehow, trying to get him to stop barking,and I don’t know exactly what he did, whether he pinched him or yanked up a piece of his skin or what, but he emitted a loud painful yelp like he’d been hurt(I know that sound) so I perked up and I saw he looked just heartbroken that he would do that to him and of course he denied it(he said, I just poked him….maybe I hurt his sore leg…) when I told him not to abuse my dog and he said I was falsely accusing him and he got really mad and was screaming loudly at me in a threatening way, and the 11 YR old said he did do something to him and then he bit him in response( good for him; defend yourself and don’t take any of their shit!) which he also denied, saying if he ever did bite him he’d be out the door and I told him if he ever did that he can kiss all his Spider-Man collectables goodbye as I would burn them all.Torch every single one of them. No one hurts my dog and gets away with it. Not only is he emotionally, mentally,and psychologically abusive to me but now he’s turning physically abusive to my dog as well.hate the f*cker.

Him and my mother are always threatening me as well if I do or don’t do what they want, say, or like or what they tell me to do, or if I “get out of line” according to them, so to punish me and keep me under control they’ll threaten to open the door and let Buddy loose onto traffic, or to cancel my credit card, or to not fix my computer, or not drive me to my medical appointments, etc. They treat me like I’m one of the kids, making me hate and resent them more and more each day. I have no freedom, say or control over my own life and I feel trapped, like a prisoner or a hostage. My hubby said he was going to Wal-Mart as well and I told him I wanted to go too as I had to get shampoo and calamine lotion( for my sunburn) and he didn’t want me to tag along even though he was already going anyway and hardly even gave me enough time to change my pants as I was wearing pajama bottoms and I’m not going to be one of those People of Wal-Mart that wear their PJ’s, and he was already out the door before I even had my pants on and so I had to hurry and rush out before he drove off without me and I never even had time to put on any shoes so I just grabbed a pair of Crocs and put them on in the car.

I hate and resent always being treated second-class, like an after thought, as if I’m a burden(and they’re always telling me how “annoying” I am) unwanted, an inconvenience, last on the list of priorities, not important, sub-human, inferior, that I “deserve” the bullying and ill treatment I get daily, being blamed for everything all the time, like an outsider in my own family, always being pushed away, treated like a second-class citizen, feeling like a scapegoat and punching bag, being told to leave, reminded how stupid, annoying,and hated I am, being told to go die, etc.

This is not what I signed up for and I want out.I’m done.

Skinhead Lesbian?

EmmaGonzalez This is anti- gun student activist Emma Gonzalez who has become a spokesperson against gun violence and school shootings. She is one of the survivors of the recent school shooting in Florida. All across USA her and  close to a million others have gathered peacefully in marches, protests,and rallies for gun reform and gun control, tired of all the gun violence, school shootings, mass shootings, and gun deaths. Too many kids and others are senselessly dying and nothing ever seems to get done about it.

Until now.

It took a bunch of highschool teens to stand up and  take a stand against a reality they have to face every single day and they’re had enough. Now they are speaking up against this injustice that has gone on for way too long and are challenging American lawmakers, the NRA and other pro-gun fanatics to put an end to it by at least regulating gun ownership more, requiring stricter background checks, waiting periods, denial for those with criminal records or mental illness, etc. all of which is fair and reasonable, except the gun freaks are so obsessed with their guns and their “rights” to own them they care more about guns than they do about kids’ lives, and not only that but they play dirty and have the most far-out there theories ever, I just can’t believe it.I’m just standing here like, Seriously? What the f*ck?

First of all they have no logical counter-arguments so they stoop down to a lower level of attacking the students in other ways, such as their appearance, someone even referring to Emma as a Skinhead lesbian, attacking her appearance(which you can never truly “judge” by anyway; I have the exact same hair and I’m neither a skinhead or a lesbian, for example, and even if she is that has nothing to do with anything) and criticized her for wearing a Cuban flag patch on her jacket, saying she was some sort of Communist radical when in actual reality her father is from Cuba because they have no real logical response so instead they use insults, name-calling, personal attacks, and bullying tactics to try to “discredit” them and they’re also saying the protesting students are nothing more than crisis actors used as pawns by the media, and that it’s like Hitler and the Nazis; the first thing Hitler did too was “use the children” and take away gun rights,that the students are “saluting like the Nazis did to Hitler” etc. It’s just so insane and I think the NRA should be labelled a terrorist organization since they promote guns and  violence.

I never could wrap my head around Americans’ weird obsession with guns. I just can’t. Certainly people’s right to live in safety and kids’ rights to attend school without fear of being shot should come before gun rights, I mean, it’s not that hard of a concept, and the gun freaks are carrying on like it’s some gov’t conspiracy but people have just had enough of gun violence and want change and for it to end. It takes the youth to create positive change and soon they will be the voters and the leaders, and they can get rid of all the pro-NRA lawmakers and others that support and promote violence. It’s up to the next generation to create a culture free of war, hate, violence, etc. that the current system not only allows but supports, encourages, funds,and upholds.

PizzaCake As well, this is the pizza-themed cake the 16 YR old made for the now 11 year old’s birthday yesterday, and I was in so much pain yesterday too, my abdomenal, stomach and lower back pain was so bad it was off the charts and on top of that my stomach also felt nauseated too but despite it I still made it to church,although I had to sit down for most of the Gospel and couldn’t stand for long; I thought I was going to pass out and there were only half as many people at Mass yesterday too for Palm Sunday and the thought occurred to me, What if The Rapture occurred and I missed it? Maybe that’s where all the people went? There’s also this sweet little house just down the street from church that’s empty now and sometimes the thought comes into my head that maybe it will be our new house; it’s brick and stone and has a nice wooden door and there’s just something about it that draws me and every time I walk past it I just look at it intensely…

I’m also oddly NOT as worried as usual( but feel a reassuring sense of peace and calm) about our current crisis with my hubby losing his job(likely this week!) and what the uncertain future brings, incl. our financial situation , me losing my drug coverage, and if we might have to move, because I surrendered it completely to God. In blind faith I just handed it all over to Him and stepped back, knowing He will take care of it and provide for us just like He always does and that everything will work out for the best according to His plan and He’ll see us thru it ok. Part of it is due to my strong faith and trust in God, and part also because I give up, have no resources left; no strength left in me to give, no more fight left, no more tears left, no more energy for worry; I just gave up on life and basically just don’t give a shit anymore, now I just sort of trudge along, plodding thru life, plus I know it’s in His Hands and He’ll work it all out and look after us. I’ve also given up any hope of ever finding love as well; I think some people(like me) are just meant to be alone. I know I’m difficult to live with, difficult to get along with,and difficult to love. I go my own way and with my looks no guys ever want me,either, so I’ve just come to accept the fact that I’m probably just destined to be alone. Just me and my dog.

Assholes.

assholes I live with assholes. I am surrounded by assholes. First of all, the 23 YR old ate Buddy’s chicken hearts which were to be his food for 4 days. Yes, he really did eat chicken hearts. He said he was starving and we don’t have enough food as usual so he ate the dog’s food. He said that his hunger comes before the dog’s…..except not when paid for it with my own $$$ and he still has to eat too and now he has no food! I’m tired of him always taking everyone else’s food,and now he’s even eating the dog’s food, too? So I told him since he took it he has to go to the store and replace what he took and buy him another one and then he says I have to give him the $$$$ because he doesn’t have any $$$ even though I don’t either and I bought it the first time and he was the one that ate it so he should be the one to replace it!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, last night when we were in bed for the night once I had fallen asleep he opened my door and snuck in my room and took Buddy out from under my covers and then shut my door so he wouldn’t be able to come back in. Now normally opening of my door would have woken me up but I’m just soooo tired lately with all my medical issues plus the time change I was dead asleep and never woke up…..that is, until Midnight and then I noticed in a panic that he wasn’t there so I sprung out of bed looking for him all over, frantically calling, the kids laughing, all in on it, not telling me where he was, and I had just woken up and it was the middle of the night and I was worried….I really didn’t need their shit…esp. not then… and I eventually found him sleeping on top of my hubby who was on the couch so I  picked him up and he was just so happy he kept thumping his tail and nuzzling me, as if saying You found me! You came for me! Thank you!! I missed you! and carried him back up to bed and then he nestled in really close to me, he practically melted into me, snuggling right up next to me where he remained the rest of the night.

My family are such assholes. I wish they’d just leave my dog alone. For me he’s sort of like a therapy dog  and I hate it when they tease him, take his food, kidnap him, do things to annoy him, be mean to him, etc. and they’re always provoking and annoying me. I’m thinking that maybe I should have my hubby put a lock on the inside of my bedroom door so that way no one can sneak in and steal him anymore or open my bedroom door and come in to do anything or to disturb me in any way. I also think it’s time the 23 YR old moves out and gets a place of his own. He’s such a “shit-disturber” as my mother says and he’s always eating everyone’s food. When I can’t find anything to eat, for example, I just go without and  go hungry; I don’t take someone else’s. My toxic family are just depleting my resources emotionally, mentally, and physically. You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

As well, I still have the bad stomach, abdomenal, and back pain; I wish I knew what it was like to live life pain-free, I really do, but lately it has just become a part of daily life, a chronic thing I have just learned to live with,and sometimes the pain gets so bad it’s the kind of pain that makes your toes curl, fists clench, teeth grit, and makes you rock back and forth trying to get some relief. It just wipes me out.

The Nose-Ring.

Nosering 2 weeks or so or a month or whatever it was ago I had another CT scan and had to take out my earrings and nose-ring and afterwards I went to put them back in but I couldn’t get the nose-ring( a diamond stud like the one seen here) back in. I spent over 30 minutes trying to twist and turn it in but it wouldn’t go thru the hole no matter what, no matter how hard I tried, and my nose was really sore, red, swollen,and bleeding so I just left it out a few days to heal before trying again. Several days later I tried again, not wanting the hole to heal up and close over but I still couldn’t get it in so I tried a gold hoop instead, thinking maybe that will go in easier and work….and it still took forever and hurt and bled but I finally got it in. Then one day while I was at Patti’s it came undone in there and got stuck and was really pinching so I just took it out and left it until my recent scan the other day.

After my recent scan a couple of days ago ( I also have an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys next week but I don’t have to remove earrings for that; I just need to drink a shitload 1 HR before and not pee as they need a full bladder for a clearer image) I attempted to put it back in again, after healing for awhile but it still wouldn’t budge and refused to go in, almost as if the hole had closed up or as if it almost wasn’t meant to, or God didn’t want it to; He was stopping it, trying to tell me something… after all that struggle I figured that maybe for some reason God didn’t want me to have that nose-ring anymore ( even though I’d had it for 31 years and even pierced it myself with a big safety pin I’d sterilized first when I was 20, before piercings even became trendy; I was ahead of my time) even though I love it and will miss it. I don’t know what else would explain it. I’ve never had problems like that getting it in before. So I just figure it’s God’s will and for some reason He doesn’t want me to have it anymore( perhaps it will cause an infection later at some point, or something? who knows?) so I let it go and gave up. It’s up to me to be obedient, not to question why…God’s plans and God’s ways are bigger than ours…

I also have a desire to shave my head again and go back to my buzz-cut. Every now and then I do; I get bored and miss it and want to be bold, bald, and badass again, and it expresses my free spirit and rebellious off-beat funky personality perfectly,and I will never be pretty but I can always be unique. It’s also sort of like “armour” in a way too as it “scares” people off and they keep a distance from me so they don’t get too close and they leave me alone. Aunt Flow showed up as well, just when I thought menopause had finally started and I thought tomorrow it would be 8 weeks but when I checked on my calendar since the last one it was actually 9 weeks! Of course the cramps are off the charts but so far the flow isn’t too bad, surprisingly going so long, but it just started too and the second day is always the worst…

The other day at the hospital getting my CT scan for my heart my hubby saw my discharge vitals BP and heart rate and they were normal and he scoffed that I don’t really have a breathing problem or heart issues, always in denial of my medical issues, even though they’re running all these scans and tests and bloodwork and the Alpha 1 genetic disorder is looking like a strong possibility which affects the lungs( and liver) and causes breathing problems,and I’m NOT making it up; I know how I feel, I have the symptoms, and something’s draining the life and the energy out of me but he just simply refuses to see it and prefers instead to blame me and accuse me of just being “lazy” and making it up.I wonder how the asshole will feel later once I finally have a diagnosis, esp. if it turns out to be the genetic thing or something else really serious,and here he thought that I was just “faking” it all along? One day they’ll say my organs are at the end-stage failure and I’ll need a transplant or I’m dying, how will he feel then? Although he’s such a callous, cold asshole he probably still won’t even care, in fact, he’ll probably be glad to be getting rid of me. He’s also always trying to pressure my mother to sell the house even though she doesn’t want to move, saying moving is such a big hassle and expense and she would only consider it if she made more $$$$ selling this house than she spends on the next one and we were able to significantly downsize and save $$$$ otherwise there’s really no point.

A Week At Patti’s.

Buddy

Buddy and I are back from Patti’s and the breeding was a success but it was the longest week of my life even though it wasn’t even a week, just 4 1/2 days! It reminded me of that science trip back in grade 7; it was supposed to be a “reward” for the students with the top marks; a week away but I was cold, hungry, got this horrible stomach flu and was sick and the bullies wouldn’t leave me alone and I couldn’t wait to get home. That’s how it was at Patti’s. We’re still friends but we could never be room-mates and I’ll never stay over at her place ever again. I was cold, hungry, kept getting scolded(it reminded me when I lived with my aunt as a kid for a couple of years) and I was utterly miserable, so much so that when I got to church for Ash Wednesday( there was a church a few blocks away from her place I could walk to) the tears just started flowing; I just felt so safe in the church, so at home, my sanctuary; it just all came out. At first I thought it might have been a break thru but it actually ended up being a breakdown and I had so many anxiety attacks that week. I’m a wreck.

The breeding went well though and Buddy’s wish(to get laid) came true. He is no longer a virgin. The first day Chloe( the female Dachshund, Patti’s dog) would flip her tail side to side and let him sniff her not not mount her, but the second day she’d wiggle her sassy ass at him inviting him, Come tap this booty…here’s a sweet piece of ass….come and get it…here it is big boy… flirting with him and he tried to hump her but could never hit the hole; he was off target and could never quite hit the mark so to speak but then on the third day he nailed it, literally, and they got a “tie”( where they successfully get stuck together for about 10 minutes and can’t be separated) and they achieved this 4 times overall plus a few “mini” ones in-between so she’s most likely going to be pregnant.After the deed was done Buddy would just recline back in my arms with this blissed-out look on his face, as if he was stoned, and then he would sleep the rest of the day, the poor old boy was just simply exhausted, but he was happy.

As for me, it didn’t go so well. First of all, just days before I arrived there was no heat in the bedroom( she has electric heating in each room of the apartment) so I was freezing every night and hardly slept, maybe 3-4 hours a night, plus the neighbours’ noises kept me up, and I could hear them from all sides; above and from both sides, and I was starving too as she hardly had any food and all she had in her fridge was 6 slices of bread, a bit of milk, a tub of margarine,and some frozen veggies. She went shopping on the third day and I gave her some $$$ and she asked Do you like cottage cheese? and I told her I love it….yet when I asked her later if I could have some on Friday( Lenten Fridays now; no meat) she goes, No, I have that with my breakfast and I won’t have enough! It has to last the rest of the month. I don’t have any more $$$ to shop until then. Then I asked if I could have some cheddar cheese instead and she wouldn’t let me have that either, saying she needed that for the salsa dip she was making for her potluck dinner on the weekend. I was sleep deprived, starving, bags under my eyes, and every little thing I did ( or didn’t) do was wrong, as she’s this obsessive perfectionist neat freak and she always kept yelling at me, scolding me and berating me for every little thing I felt like I was at home. I also didn’t have any TV or InterNet for the week as she doesn’t have cable and she does InterNet on her cell phone but the print is too small for me to see and the keys too tiny I don’t have the dexterity to type on that and it would take me 5 minutes just to type out one word, and then she said I could use the wireless keyboard on the TV (she has widescreen TV in every room) except neither of us could figure out how to set it up so I was basically cut off from the rest of the world the entire time.

BuddyAndChloe

Everything had to be “just so” and I couldn’t do this, touch that, sit here, use this or that, and she even wanted me to wipe off the toilet seat and bath tub after every use and I said f*ck that (oh, and she swears even more than I do, every second word was f*ck this-and-that) and she told me to leave my Mukluk boots out in the hallway as she didn’t want them inside but I refused, No way! I paid over 200$ for those boots, I’m not leaving them out i the hallway; someone will steal it! and she says oh, no they won’t….but…I was so desperate for food I called my hubby in a panic and had him drop me off food and blankets( she only had one thin sheet and thin blanket on my bed and didn’t have any extra linens and it was so cold) and he came by when we were out so he just left it in the hallway in front of the door….and my mother said she’d packed me spanakopita and some frozen dinners….but I never got them….they weren’t there….someone had taken them. She only had 2 bath towels as well and I could only use a certain one and had to use the same musty towel for 4 days and it was getting mouldy, stinky, and mildewy and she said it was because I’m dirty even though I have a bath every morning and she said her towel doesn’t smell like that and I told her I use a clean towel for each bath and it’s bacteria and it just needs to be washed. I also did this epic diarrhrea and all day she laid into me how much I stunk up the entire apartment and she said that her shit doesn’t stink like that and she kept putting me down and shaming me for it….she literally thinks her shit doesn’t stink.

She also kept scolding me that I used the “wrong” frying pan, or that I was using the “wrong” spatula with the pan, or the “wrong” stove element, and freaked out when I fried with oil instead of margarine, and she dawdles and takes forever with everything and it was 7 pm and no dinner and she said she has to wash the dishes first, before dinner can be started so I suggested how about I cook the macaroni and beef and she does the dishes, so it saves time and she said no, the dinner  absolutely can’t be started until after the dishes are done and it took her forever and then when I finally did get to make dinner she didn’t like the way I did it so she shoved me aside and took over and she limited how much I could eat. When I washed my dishes after she also would lay into me that I put my knife in the dish rack the “wrong” way. It was always things like that. She also would rip into me to get my feet off the couch, that I wear my socks to bed and that left dust lint particles all over her sheets (??????) and as soon as I got up on the last day she whipped the bedsheets and pillowcases off proclaiming they were filthy and had to be washed before she could ever use them again, which I found to be insulting.

I also wasn’t allowed to sit here, touch this, or go near that, and she was always yelling at me to shut up saying my voice is too loud and she didn’t want the neighbours to hear us talking as she’s convinced they’re spying on her, and one day she went out and when she came back she found both dogs and I curled up together alseep on the couch and she was furious and really wailed on me; I thought she was going to kick me out right then and there, I don’t want dog hair on my couch! She also told me to wash out my used pop cans before recycling….WTF? wash garbage? and she got really mad when I brought Buddy’s poop bags inside and threw them in her garbage….she doesn’t want her garbage to stink…..it’s garbage….it stinks. She also got mad at me for letting Buddy pee too “close” to the apartment, not wanting the neighbours to see, fearing someone will complain and blame her.

It was so bad I had several anxiety attacks and this massive headache on the last day ( probably my BP sky-rocketing due to the stress) and I was literally trembling and shaking and I called home begging my hubby to come get me and he was over and hour late and I just broke down crying, please, just come and get me outta here! Come rescue me! I just wanna go home! I felt like a prisoner of war, hungry, sleep deprived , and demoralized I was a wreck. I didn’t want to mention the stud fee either but my mother insisted and Patti freaked out and she was insanely offended and mad and she ripped into me, I’m not paying you nothing! You got Buddy for free! This is just a favour between friends! ( the standard is the stud dog owner either gets a puppy in exchange or the fee equal to the cost of a puppy once sold) and I told her I’d only want a puppy if, God Forbid, Buddy should die and then I’d want one of his puppies as it would be a part of him, like I’d still have a piece of him with me, and she tries to rip me off with that,too, saying, Ok, ….unless…..I’ve already promised the puppies to my kids or something, then I won’t give you any…OMG!  This is supposed to be my friend and she’s screw me over like this?

I found out she’s racist, too, she said the reason they left Toronto when her kids were young as she wanted them to grow up with and marry their own kind, meaning white people, and huffed that they were practically the only kids that didn’t have brown skin or black hair and she wants her grandchildren to look like her and not have people think they’re adopted or she’s babysitting and then tries to “justify” it by saying animals stick with their own kind; foxes stick with foxes, dogs with dogs, and not with cats, for example, and I told her she’s a RACIST AND THAT WE’RE ALL THE SAME KIND, HUMAN KIND AND THE SAME SPECIES. I told her I want my kids to marry someone they love, it doesn’t matter what colour they are, what religion they are, or where they’re from.

I secretly got “revenge” on her though. I know it’s childish, but it made me feel good. I stuck it to her and her need for cleanliness, orderliness and perfection: she has no idea( and that’s half the fun) but  know and have the secret satisfaction: I licked a spoon and dug out a couple of good heaping spoonfuls of cottage cheese right out of the conatainer and ate it and then just put it back, her none the wiser, and I rubbed my butt back and forth in her pristine tub, smooshing it around back and forth, and I shaved my rude-part with her razor. I also had wanted to rub her toothbrush in my butt-crack too but I couldn’t find it. When I got back home my mother also snickered, I guess it’s really not so bad here afterall, is it? except it still is, just in a different way. It was still a nice break away from my toxic family and the cruel way they treat me, and, in fact,  as soon as I walked in the door it started. They couldn’t even wait to start hassling me. The 10 year old greeted me back with, Oh, no, you’re back! I hope Buddy dies! and in my sleep-deprived state I had taken my pills out and forgot where I put them and I was frantic and panicking thinking I’d left them at her place and the 14 and 16 YR old kept laughing, mocking, and making fun of me, revelling in my distressed state. Yeah, welcome home. Some things will never change. I hate my life. As for Patti, we’re still friends( although not in the same way and my perspective has changed), but I’m never staying over at her place ever again.