Yakking And Nattering.

Screenshot_191 Both my hubby and my mother have insulting terms for my talking. Every time I open my mouth and speak they always refer to it in a negative and derogatory way. He always refers to it as yakking and she always calls it nattering. I think it’s very mean and disrespectful how they always put me down like that and devalue anything and everything that I have to say, whenever I speak, my opinions on anything and everything, every time I open my mouth to speak, whenever any words come out of my mouth, every time I say anything, etc. they always have to have some nasty put-down comment. I’m never “allowed” to just ever talk, voice my opinion, interject into a conversation, speak, be heard, say anything, criticize anything, include myself, or comment about anything in any way without being it dismissed as yakking and nattering. So what they’re basically saying is anything I say, all my speech, any words out of my mouth, is nothing just irritating, annoying, grating noise.

My hubby also likes to specialize in making me look dumb, foolish, inept, wrong, silly, and laughable in front of and to other people and will always say something to put me down, to prove me wrong, to make me look like an idiot, to point out my flaws, etc. in front of other people, and even get them to join in if they’re up for it, otherwise they just say nothing, but I’m always left feeling shamed, humiliated, embarrassed, hurt, angry, and picked on. I remember this time as well we went to see a notary for something, a guy from church, and he was just like my hubby and he looked at him and goes(about me) Does she ever stop talking? and my hubby said No, it’s always like this…… and they proceeded to tear me down and I just felt so small and wanted to disappear. I could feel my face turn hot and red, my jaw trembling, trying to hold back the tears of humiliation. I felt like a naughty, scolded child.

I know I do talk alot, but I also know it has to do with my Asperger’s and bipolar. I also know that when I get nervous I tend to prattle on and it’s a common trait of Asperger’s to repeat yourself as well. The thing is, though, that I’m not the only one that’s talkative; other people are as well, incl. in my own family, yet I’m the only one that ever gets hassled and put down for it. No one else talking ever gets called yakking or nattering, just me. It’s also a commonly known fact that most women are known for being talkative, or at least compared to their male counterparts. No one ever wants to hear what I have to say and they’re always trying to shut me up. It feels like anything I have to say doesn’t matter, it isn’t important, no one cares, so what, no one wants to hear it, so just shut up and go away because no one cares about you or what you have to say anyway. They’re always trying to silence me; to erase me.

Gaaaccckk!!!

Screenshot_148

I saw THIS on the sidewalk this morning, and it wasn’t alone; it had friends! An orange maple leaf….it’s changed colour, it’s dead….it’s…..almost fall! Summer’s almost over!!! My heart just sank and I let out a sad sorrowful sigh of resignation at the thought . I just wanted to scream. I’m not ready yet. I’m just not ready.refuse. I’m not ready for summer to end and I refuse to allow it to be fall already. It’s too soon. It’s not time yet. I’m not ready for summer to be over. I won’t give in. I just won’t.

The kids also pulled yet another prank on me: my hubby told me that he thought we’d caught something overnight in the rat trap we had set out so I went over to look, even though I had doubts as it wasn’t making a racket or moving around , and I found…. a fake rubber rat! The kids had put it in there as a joke. Ha,ha, very funny. Actually, it’s funnier than you think: when I was around 12 I did a similar prank on my mother: I glued hair onto a squeaky rubber rat and hid it somewhere in the dark and it freaked her out. Where do my kids think they get their pranking genes from?  😀  Speaking of which, both the 17 YR old and I heard Buddy let out a loud yelp, as if something may have bitten him, or maybe he stepped on something or got poked by something, but we both did hear it, so I know that I wasn’t hallucinating.At least not this time.

The plumber had to come as well as something was leaking under the sink and where it connects to the dishwasher. I never even knew the dishwasher was connected to the sink….I know…where do you think it gets the water from?…. I know….I know…. I’m dumb…..I just never thought about it…. it turned out to be just a simple loose clamp or something that needed to be tightened and I would have thought my hubby could have done that himself( shit, even I probably could have myself and I’m the least technical and least mechanical person on Earth!) but he said he didn’t have the right tool for it.

My mother commented too about my love for clawfoot tubs, Maybe we’ll find a place(another house if we move) that has a clawfoot tub! so sometimes she does consider moving but not too often as realistically we just can’t afford it and we wouldn’t be likely to sell this house,either as houses in order to be “staged”, shown and sold for a good price have to always be so pristine, so clean, so perfect, and we’re just so, not! We’re messy, sloppy disorganized pigs with mess, junk, clutter, and crap all over the place and we could never clean it up to those  ridiculously unrealistic expectations( I mean, we have a large family! When you have kids you have clutter, crap and mess!) we’re the total opposite and even no matter how hard we clean it will still never pass inspection!

I had a dream as well I heard a voice speak to me, It breaks easily for such a big heart. talking about me, and when I questioned how I have a big heart, esp. with my family always saying what a horrible, awful person I am, it replied because of  how deeply I feel for other people, how I can empathize and care so much,even for complete strangers,such as those on my Prayer List, carrying other people’s pain and sorrow, bearing their burdens as my own,feeling other people’s pain and having such profound sympathy, grief and loss as if it was my own self, and praying for them; as it showes great love.

Back To School ALREADY?

Screenshot_51 We still have this month left of summer and already I’m hearing ads on the radio and seeing commercials on TV and flyers in the mail advertising for Back To School items! It’s so annoying! Stop rushing it!! We still have the rest of this month left of summer and I hate it how they’re rushing it, like trying to speed up to fall already,and the stores already have their fall clothing, decor,and supplies out as well. In fact, when I went to get ant traps I couldn’t even find any anymore as they’re in the seasonal department with all the other summer stuff alongside BBQ stuff, suntanning items, bug spray and repellent,pool, garden and patio items, etc. and they were all gone and the shelves were now replaced with fall items already.Unfortunately, the ants in our house don’t play by retailer’s “seasonal” rules. They’re here in summer, which it still is,and didn’t decide to pack up and leave early because the stores decided to put away all their summer stuff early and get the fall stuff out. So now we still have the ants but no ant traps.

It’s bad enough we’re at the last month of summer, so don’t rush it. We’re not ready for summer to end yet, so don’t hurry it along. We still have the rest of this month to enjoy and we want to squeeze as much left out of it as we possibly can. We’re not ready for fall to come yet and it’s not time yet. Let us still enjoy what we still have left of summer, ok? It’s short enough as it is, so don’t go hurrying it along, or reminding us what little time we actually have left. Let us just enjoy these last few weeks and shut up about back To School already! It will come soon enough!

As well, I badly burned the inside of my mouth with a home-made oatmeal and chocolate chip  cookie fresh and hot  from the oven the girls made, and it’s so bad too I can feel some skin burned off and even hours later it still hurts,and my mother’s back pain is back again,too, and she’s still just as demanding as always: when the 15 YR old cleaned the bathrooms( one of her assigned chores for allowance) she did do a good job but still not good enough for my mother, who always has such unrealitically high expectations no one can ever possibly meet them and she kept criticizing her saying, Did you look behind the door? What about this? You forgot to do that! You call this clean? Did you even do the sink? etc. and so on, and I reminded her if she doesn’t like the way someone else does it than she should just do it herself then or else not complain and she got all snarky and my hubby accused me of trying to start drama, but I’m just saying. She’s always been like that. I should know. I grew up with it. No matter what I did it was never good enough for her, either. No matter how hard I tried there was always something she’d criticize, something that I did wrong, that wasn’t acceptable, that didn’t meet her standards, that wasn’t good enough. That’s just the way she is. She’ll never change. There’s just some people that you can never please and that will always complain and be critical, no matter what.

She also came back from grocery shopping saying that the store didn’t have certain items on our list this week, namely the ones that the 23 YR old and I like, our faves. that we look forward to every week, and then later on in the day when he offered to walk up to the store if she gave him the $$$ and go look and see if they had them in then( maybe they just had a later delivery or something later in the day as she went in the morning) she wouldn’t, saying she didn’t have the $$$$ and when I said to just use the same $$$$ you would have used to buy it had it been there earlier she confessed and fessed up that she’d lied; that the store really did have our items; she just didn’t buy them because she didn’t want to spend the $$$. It figures though, the stuff  like( and the 23 YR old; the people she doesn’t like) Seriously, though, what the f*ck is wrong with this family? One thing I can’t stand are liars.

The Tweet.

Roseanne I am sad and disappointed to hear the Roseanne show, despite how popular it is, has now been cancelled, all due to a stupid racist tweet Roseanne Barr posted on Twitter the other day, comparing a Black woman to an ape. Well I agree it was stupid, racist, inappropriate,and uncalled for, I also keep in mind that she is widely known for her big mouth, brashness, unpopular opinions and controversial humour,but, that being said, she still does have the right to her own personal beliefs and opinions and along with that, the right to freely express them on her  own personal social media accounts and it’s not right that she loses her entire career , which she has built for decades, just over one stupid Tweet. it’s just not right. I think it’s over-reacting that a person is smeared and loses their entire reputation, career and livelihood just because of something they’ve said, because of an unpopular opinion, or something stupid they posted, or because it’s not politically correct. Political Correctness has gone too far. What next, the Thought Police?

I personally don’t like, or agree with, her personally, or her politics(she’s a Trump supporter, a gun rights advocate, pro-abortion and a feminist) but regardless I still do like her TV show( and think it’s funny) because I am still able to separate the two. Like with any celebrity; singer, actor, musician, writer, etc; they can be the shittiest human being in the world; drunken, racist,arrogant junkies that cheat on their spouses and beat their wives and kids or what have you but that still doesn’t make them any less talented; they can still be excellent actors, musicians, writers, etc. and you can still enjoy their creative work without liking them as a person, and their personal private life and their personal opinions and beliefs are their own and their own business and shouldn’t have anything to do with their professional life.I have loved so-and-so’s work and then been disillusioned to find out how terrible they really are as people but it doesn’t mean that I all of a sudden stop liking their work. This is just as bad as the McCarthy Era where celebs were blacklisted for being Communists or being gay.Your personal and private life is your own and has nothing to do with your professional life and should be separate.it’s no one’s business.

Now due to one stupid Tweet, many other actors and writers on her show are all out of work; it affects several people,and I think Roseanne should have just made an apology and deleted her account and moved on. People do stupid things and shouldn’t be punished for a mistake for the rest of their lives. People need to be more forgiving and move on. What good does it do to destroy a person for a mistake?Everybody makes mistakes and does stupid things. We’re human.

 

30May2018 As well, look how oppressively HOT it is! It actually got up to 31C. It’s so hot it’s even still hot in the shade and even I had to come indoors to cool off,as much as I love being outside; I was starting to get heatstroke.I’m so glad we got the pool open and now with these hot days it won’t take too long for the water to warm up!

SunflowerSprouts Look! Some tiny little sunflower sprouts are also starting to grow! yay! Finally! Success! My little babies!!!!!

Blacklisted.

B&C You’re not going to believe this: the drama with Patti has taken on a whole new new twist: now she has effectively blacklisted  Buddy; she has completely removed and erased any and all traces of him from all her social media, both past and present deleted all photos of him on her Facebook page except for one photo in which she oddly added that he is her dog’s new friend Buddy, who is part Chihuahua and part Yorkie… which is total shit since he’s purebred Dachshund! She’s also deleted all photos and mention of the puppies now too. My guess? She somehow found out even though she’s blocked me so I can’t see updates on the puppies that I still found out a way to spy on her anyway so she’s getting rid of any proof of any existance of Buddy from her dog’s life, trying to act like he’s NOT the father of her dog’s puppies, so that I can’t try and make a claim on them when all I wanted to do was see them.I can’t believe she’d just blow off Buddy like that though, just like she did with me, this from a person that used to coo at him and lovingly refer to him as her Grand-puppy (it made me hurl) and I suspected only came to visit me because she wanted to see him.

Despite that, I still have photos of them together, such as the one pictured here, as well as several others that I took myself.,and of course, there’s always DNA testing when you get right down to it. What a crazy bitch though! OMG! So we’re all over here huddled over the computer laughing our asses off at how totally weird this is all getting and at how far she’s going with it, how f*cked up it all is and how she’s driving the bus to crazytown. What a piece of work though, I swear. I really am better off without her. I should have knwn we wouldn’t have been a good match for friends right in the beginning as soon as I knew she likes to watch those lame reality shows like The Batchelor and The Kardashains. Really, though, what a kook! Who needs people like that?

As well, the 16 YR old came 2nd in her cheerleading competition over the weekend. I had this weird experience walking Buddy as well. I was just overcome with this really weird feeling that’s hard to describe but it felt like everything was just swirling around in my head and I felt like my entire body was going to explode and I was convinced everyone could tell something was wrong and that they were all staring at me and I had to keep repeating to myself in my head, Just keep walking, just keep walking, just keep walking until you get home…. and I made it.

Well Deserved.

Screenshot_449 My mother and the 16 YR old were being mean to me again and the 16 YR old was being even more of a bitchy mean girl than usual. When I asked my mother why her, my hubby,and the kids always gang up on me, blame me for everything, constantly belittle, berate, demean me and put me down, she smirked, It’s well deserved. Can you believe it? What kind of person says something like that? As for why they always blame everything on me she tersely replied, Because everything is always your fault! and she goes on to say that her and my hubby didn’t turn my kids against me but rather YOU did that yourself! Again, everything’s always my fault and I’m to blame for everything. It’s even my fault that they treat me like shit, as if I somehow deserve it, trying to somehow “justify” their cruel bullying treatment of me and then the 16 YR old goes on mouthing off at me being haughty and dismissive, heaping on the insults and being really disrespectful and nasty.

I’m so sick of all their shit. I’m sick of this family and I’m sick of this life.

Then later on the 11 YR old was teasing Buddy, making him bark, and he and I were curled up on the couch, him behind my legs and my eyes were closed, and my hubby came up to him and hurt him somehow, trying to get him to stop barking,and I don’t know exactly what he did, whether he pinched him or yanked up a piece of his skin or what, but he emitted a loud painful yelp like he’d been hurt(I know that sound) so I perked up and I saw he looked just heartbroken that he would do that to him and of course he denied it(he said, I just poked him….maybe I hurt his sore leg…) when I told him not to abuse my dog and he said I was falsely accusing him and he got really mad and was screaming loudly at me in a threatening way, and the 11 YR old said he did do something to him and then he bit him in response( good for him; defend yourself and don’t take any of their shit!) which he also denied, saying if he ever did bite him he’d be out the door and I told him if he ever did that he can kiss all his Spider-Man collectables goodbye as I would burn them all.Torch every single one of them. No one hurts my dog and gets away with it. Not only is he emotionally, mentally,and psychologically abusive to me but now he’s turning physically abusive to my dog as well.hate the f*cker.

Him and my mother are always threatening me as well if I do or don’t do what they want, say, or like or what they tell me to do, or if I “get out of line” according to them, so to punish me and keep me under control they’ll threaten to open the door and let Buddy loose onto traffic, or to cancel my credit card, or to not fix my computer, or not drive me to my medical appointments, etc. They treat me like I’m one of the kids, making me hate and resent them more and more each day. I have no freedom, say or control over my own life and I feel trapped, like a prisoner or a hostage. My hubby said he was going to Wal-Mart as well and I told him I wanted to go too as I had to get shampoo and calamine lotion( for my sunburn) and he didn’t want me to tag along even though he was already going anyway and hardly even gave me enough time to change my pants as I was wearing pajama bottoms and I’m not going to be one of those People of Wal-Mart that wear their PJ’s, and he was already out the door before I even had my pants on and so I had to hurry and rush out before he drove off without me and I never even had time to put on any shoes so I just grabbed a pair of Crocs and put them on in the car.

I hate and resent always being treated second-class, like an after thought, as if I’m a burden(and they’re always telling me how “annoying” I am) unwanted, an inconvenience, last on the list of priorities, not important, sub-human, inferior, that I “deserve” the bullying and ill treatment I get daily, being blamed for everything all the time, like an outsider in my own family, always being pushed away, treated like a second-class citizen, feeling like a scapegoat and punching bag, being told to leave, reminded how stupid, annoying,and hated I am, being told to go die, etc.

This is not what I signed up for and I want out.I’m done.

Skinhead Lesbian?

EmmaGonzalez This is anti- gun student activist Emma Gonzalez who has become a spokesperson against gun violence and school shootings. She is one of the survivors of the recent school shooting in Florida. All across USA her and  close to a million others have gathered peacefully in marches, protests,and rallies for gun reform and gun control, tired of all the gun violence, school shootings, mass shootings, and gun deaths. Too many kids and others are senselessly dying and nothing ever seems to get done about it.

Until now.

It took a bunch of highschool teens to stand up and  take a stand against a reality they have to face every single day and they’re had enough. Now they are speaking up against this injustice that has gone on for way too long and are challenging American lawmakers, the NRA and other pro-gun fanatics to put an end to it by at least regulating gun ownership more, requiring stricter background checks, waiting periods, denial for those with criminal records or mental illness, etc. all of which is fair and reasonable, except the gun freaks are so obsessed with their guns and their “rights” to own them they care more about guns than they do about kids’ lives, and not only that but they play dirty and have the most far-out there theories ever, I just can’t believe it.I’m just standing here like, Seriously? What the f*ck?

First of all they have no logical counter-arguments so they stoop down to a lower level of attacking the students in other ways, such as their appearance, someone even referring to Emma as a Skinhead lesbian, attacking her appearance(which you can never truly “judge” by anyway; I have the exact same hair and I’m neither a skinhead or a lesbian, for example, and even if she is that has nothing to do with anything) and criticized her for wearing a Cuban flag patch on her jacket, saying she was some sort of Communist radical when in actual reality her father is from Cuba because they have no real logical response so instead they use insults, name-calling, personal attacks, and bullying tactics to try to “discredit” them and they’re also saying the protesting students are nothing more than crisis actors used as pawns by the media, and that it’s like Hitler and the Nazis; the first thing Hitler did too was “use the children” and take away gun rights,that the students are “saluting like the Nazis did to Hitler” etc. It’s just so insane and I think the NRA should be labelled a terrorist organization since they promote guns and  violence.

I never could wrap my head around Americans’ weird obsession with guns. I just can’t. Certainly people’s right to live in safety and kids’ rights to attend school without fear of being shot should come before gun rights, I mean, it’s not that hard of a concept, and the gun freaks are carrying on like it’s some gov’t conspiracy but people have just had enough of gun violence and want change and for it to end. It takes the youth to create positive change and soon they will be the voters and the leaders, and they can get rid of all the pro-NRA lawmakers and others that support and promote violence. It’s up to the next generation to create a culture free of war, hate, violence, etc. that the current system not only allows but supports, encourages, funds,and upholds.

PizzaCake As well, this is the pizza-themed cake the 16 YR old made for the now 11 year old’s birthday yesterday, and I was in so much pain yesterday too, my abdomenal, stomach and lower back pain was so bad it was off the charts and on top of that my stomach also felt nauseated too but despite it I still made it to church,although I had to sit down for most of the Gospel and couldn’t stand for long; I thought I was going to pass out and there were only half as many people at Mass yesterday too for Palm Sunday and the thought occurred to me, What if The Rapture occurred and I missed it? Maybe that’s where all the people went? There’s also this sweet little house just down the street from church that’s empty now and sometimes the thought comes into my head that maybe it will be our new house; it’s brick and stone and has a nice wooden door and there’s just something about it that draws me and every time I walk past it I just look at it intensely…

I’m also oddly NOT as worried as usual( but feel a reassuring sense of peace and calm) about our current crisis with my hubby losing his job(likely this week!) and what the uncertain future brings, incl. our financial situation , me losing my drug coverage, and if we might have to move, because I surrendered it completely to God. In blind faith I just handed it all over to Him and stepped back, knowing He will take care of it and provide for us just like He always does and that everything will work out for the best according to His plan and He’ll see us thru it ok. Part of it is due to my strong faith and trust in God, and part also because I give up, have no resources left; no strength left in me to give, no more fight left, no more tears left, no more energy for worry; I just gave up on life and basically just don’t give a shit anymore, now I just sort of trudge along, plodding thru life, plus I know it’s in His Hands and He’ll work it all out and look after us. I’ve also given up any hope of ever finding love as well; I think some people(like me) are just meant to be alone. I know I’m difficult to live with, difficult to get along with,and difficult to love. I go my own way and with my looks no guys ever want me,either, so I’ve just come to accept the fact that I’m probably just destined to be alone. Just me and my dog.