Moving Day.

Movers

For the past 4 nights I’ve have my old recurring dream (that I’ve had for years, although not days in a row like this, just every now and then) that I move back to my old Toronto house. Even though I only lived there for 5 years, from age 12-17, of all the houses I’ve ever lived in ( at least 13, maybe more) that house has always been my fave. and the one that I most feel was my home. In my dream my mother and I and Buddy move back there and it’s the same it was as when we moved out in 1984, the same wallpaper, carpeting,etc. and I’m trying to figure out where to put the furniture and the stuff on the walls, etc. and in last night’s “episode” it seemed so real I didn’t even realize that it was a dream and in the dream I remember saying to myself, I’ve had recurring dreams about moving back to my old house for years,and now here I am! I’ve always wonder what, if anything, it means and symbolizes though; is it just happy memories of a place I felt safe, at home, protected from the world, my sanctuary,  and just happy times I wish I could go back to, or is there something more, perhaps meaning I’m going to die soon, symbolizing that I’m going Home soon, as in to Heaven, like how that old Toronto house symbolizes my home…..

Speaking of moving, in the latest dreams there’s also an extra addition to it as well where my mother booked with the moving company to get our stuff and move it to the old house and she signed a contract with the moving date but they never showed up and each day goes by I keep hoping and waiting it’s moving day but they never show up and it never is even though they said Friday….and I keep waiting and waiting, desperate to move back but the movers never show up….. they also sold that house beside D’s old house that was up for over 400 000$ and it didn’t take that long to sell,either, and it must be to out-of-towners as the rednecks in this town couldn’t afford it, and that’s what this town is; mostly run-down cheap aluminum siding houses with the odd nice big old house thrown in here and there, and everyone puts their toilet paper rolls on the wrong way too, with it rubbing along down the wall, and talk low-class in double-negatives too, revealing their obvious lack of education, such as I a’int seen nothin’, I never said nothin’, is that one of them weiner dogs? etc. It just makes my skin crawl. Everyone also wears these plaid flannel shirts and look like farmers and even the women drive pick up trucks!

We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog is prego or not but the vet says not likely since Buddy’s 12 and likely has a low sperm count but I think he’s up for it; I don’t think he “shoots blanks” and I think he’ll show them and prove them wrong; he’s got what it takes, and the 18 YR old for one of her journalism interviews for school had to go to a redneck hockey game! Poor her! She must have got the short straw when it came to assignments, but she also gets good assignments,too, like reviewing live theatre performances and interviewing famous people.My hubby was also 3 days late giving us our $$$ for the month and he brushed it off saying we don’t need it now and I told him We needed it 3 days ago! and he either just doesn’t see how much we struggle financially or he’s in denial, or just doesn’t want to step up, but it’s so bad that we couldn’t even give the kids their allowances until he paid us and we’re so poor now too my mother wants to get a haircut(and needs one) but has to let her hair grow out long because she just doesn’t have the $$$$$. She doesn’t even have the $$$$ for a haircut.

My mother also asked if anyone at church mentioned my Buzz-cut but what are they going to say, like, Oh, my God, you’re bald! What happened? No, they never said anything and they never even stared, but it’s church and they’ve seen me bald many times before so it’s no big deal. I saw this old guy there too, likely near 70 with this much younger woman, 30-40 years younger than him so then in my mind I was wondering, I wonder if that’s his daughter or his girlfriend? so then I tried to guess based on their body language and other clues and I noticed he had a sharp hairstyle and was dressed dapper incl. sunglasses and was looking good, like he was trying to impress someone so I figured she must be his girlfriend and then he put his arm around her and gently rubbed her back…..so, ok…..I guess that answers it, she’s not his daughter! 😀  My father-in-law also had a birthday and he’s now 85. Wow….I sure hope I don’t live that long. It’s depressing even thinking about it.

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Bold, Bald, Badass.

BuzzcutNew Going….going….gone! My Buzz-cut is back! I missed it and was bored with my hair and the Buzz-cut best describes me and my personality so I shaved my head again. This is how I feel(and best express) the Real Me. This is me. I look and feel like the most myself with the Buzz-cut. So far anyway no one in my family has even mentioned it, so either they never even noticed, or (more likely) they did but they can’t say anything without being mean so in that case it’s better not to say anything at all than to say something mean. Alot of other people over the years have liked it though, just random people I’ve come across in life from airline staff, to those in medical settings, or clerks in stores, or even just strangers in the street that approach me and say how “cool” it is, how many people can’t pull off a Buzz-cut but it “suits” me, and how much they love it and how they wish they had the courage to do it too but they’re not “brave” enough. Patti says the shaved look isn’t a flattering style on me but let’s face it here, when you look like I do, nothing is a flattering style; I’m still ugly no matter what I do, so I might as well just do what I like and as long as I like it that’s really all that matters, anyway. I am bold, bald, bodacious,and badass.

My friend P (from grade 6) also had her birthday and her and her BF are in Montego Bay to celebrate; what I wouldn’t give to be in Jamaica right now myself… and my former sister-in-law ( she was married to one of my hubby’s brothers) is getting married next year also in Montego Bay; she’s snagged herself a rich guy this time around ( my mother calls it “moving up” or “trading up”) and I was at her last wedding so I hope she invited me again, and then I get to go to Jamaica,’mon! The 16 YR old’s cheerleading squad also came in Second place at a competition in Kingston over the weekend, and just to worry and panic me the 14 and 16 YR old’s ran outside with Buddy to take him out for a walk but didn’t tell me and then they purposely left both front doors open so I’d see it and panic thinking he ran away….just to be cruel, just to mess with me, just to watch me freak out in panic….only their cruel “prank” didn’t turn out so well as I looked out the door and I saw them with him, scurrying down the street and then heard the 16 YR old exclaim, Oh, no, she saw us! My family is toxic. I really need to get out of this place.

The Nose-Ring.

Nosering 2 weeks or so or a month or whatever it was ago I had another CT scan and had to take out my earrings and nose-ring and afterwards I went to put them back in but I couldn’t get the nose-ring( a diamond stud like the one seen here) back in. I spent over 30 minutes trying to twist and turn it in but it wouldn’t go thru the hole no matter what, no matter how hard I tried, and my nose was really sore, red, swollen,and bleeding so I just left it out a few days to heal before trying again. Several days later I tried again, not wanting the hole to heal up and close over but I still couldn’t get it in so I tried a gold hoop instead, thinking maybe that will go in easier and work….and it still took forever and hurt and bled but I finally got it in. Then one day while I was at Patti’s it came undone in there and got stuck and was really pinching so I just took it out and left it until my recent scan the other day.

After my recent scan a couple of days ago ( I also have an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys next week but I don’t have to remove earrings for that; I just need to drink a shitload 1 HR before and not pee as they need a full bladder for a clearer image) I attempted to put it back in again, after healing for awhile but it still wouldn’t budge and refused to go in, almost as if the hole had closed up or as if it almost wasn’t meant to, or God didn’t want it to; He was stopping it, trying to tell me something… after all that struggle I figured that maybe for some reason God didn’t want me to have that nose-ring anymore ( even though I’d had it for 31 years and even pierced it myself with a big safety pin I’d sterilized first when I was 20, before piercings even became trendy; I was ahead of my time) even though I love it and will miss it. I don’t know what else would explain it. I’ve never had problems like that getting it in before. So I just figure it’s God’s will and for some reason He doesn’t want me to have it anymore( perhaps it will cause an infection later at some point, or something? who knows?) so I let it go and gave up. It’s up to me to be obedient, not to question why…God’s plans and God’s ways are bigger than ours…

I also have a desire to shave my head again and go back to my buzz-cut. Every now and then I do; I get bored and miss it and want to be bold, bald, and badass again, and it expresses my free spirit and rebellious off-beat funky personality perfectly,and I will never be pretty but I can always be unique. It’s also sort of like “armour” in a way too as it “scares” people off and they keep a distance from me so they don’t get too close and they leave me alone. Aunt Flow showed up as well, just when I thought menopause had finally started and I thought tomorrow it would be 8 weeks but when I checked on my calendar since the last one it was actually 9 weeks! Of course the cramps are off the charts but so far the flow isn’t too bad, surprisingly going so long, but it just started too and the second day is always the worst…

The other day at the hospital getting my CT scan for my heart my hubby saw my discharge vitals BP and heart rate and they were normal and he scoffed that I don’t really have a breathing problem or heart issues, always in denial of my medical issues, even though they’re running all these scans and tests and bloodwork and the Alpha 1 genetic disorder is looking like a strong possibility which affects the lungs( and liver) and causes breathing problems,and I’m NOT making it up; I know how I feel, I have the symptoms, and something’s draining the life and the energy out of me but he just simply refuses to see it and prefers instead to blame me and accuse me of just being “lazy” and making it up.I wonder how the asshole will feel later once I finally have a diagnosis, esp. if it turns out to be the genetic thing or something else really serious,and here he thought that I was just “faking” it all along? One day they’ll say my organs are at the end-stage failure and I’ll need a transplant or I’m dying, how will he feel then? Although he’s such a callous, cold asshole he probably still won’t even care, in fact, he’ll probably be glad to be getting rid of me. He’s also always trying to pressure my mother to sell the house even though she doesn’t want to move, saying moving is such a big hassle and expense and she would only consider it if she made more $$$$ selling this house than she spends on the next one and we were able to significantly downsize and save $$$$ otherwise there’s really no point.

Me, Myself, And I.

Screen Shot 11-14-17 at 06.33 PM I still remember when I was a kid my Babushka said I was bold. (little did she know that decades later I’d also be bald; bold and bald!) and it got me thinking, I still am! I’ve always been bold.It also got me thinking, What else am I? and What would people say about me on my obituary or at my funeral? and so I started thinking about myself and how to describe myself, and here’s what I came up with:

She loves hippos, dogs, and esp. her own,Buddy, who is her best friend and most loyal companion, the light in her dark world, her light and joy in life. She loves coconut,mangoes, chocolate, flowers,esp. sunflowers, roses,and lilacs, travel and experiencing other cultures. She has an everlasting and unwavering faith and love of God, a sorrowful heart, a reggae spirit, and a European soul. She is a free spirit who has always gone her own way and has never gone along with the crowd or been afraid to say what she thinks and stand up for what she believes in. She loves weed, which she discovered late in life, but was truly addicted to music, esp. Reggae, and Bob Marley was her favourite. She was a child of the 70’s and a teen of the 80’s, decades she loved, but in her heart she was a hippie of the 60’s. She has been a life-long Marxist and has always stood up against oppression and injustice.She has dedicated her life to raising and homeschooling her kids, and always has a prayer for anyone in need. I think that pretty much sums it up…

As well, I’m bleeding from my colon again as my diarrhrea was black and when I wiped my ass there was bright red blood(and I’m still having abdomenal pain as well) so I wonder what it is now? Is it another polyp in my colon, or something else? My eyes are also really itchy as well which may be due to my liver, or could just be my Pink-Eye, and my hubby was so drugged up on cold meds he was out of focus at the clinic yesterday (any kind of meds make him loopy; imagine what he’d be like on weed? he’d be flat on the floor!!) and one of the therapists even said she likes my head shaved,too( into the Buzz -cut) which surprised me; I like it but it always surprises me when other people do, esp. because my family hates it and always makes fun of it ( eg: ugly lesbian hair) and Buddy’s acting really weird,too; he keeps nudging me,pulling on my pant leg, and staring at me and whimpering and whining and has this really sad look on his face, like he’s worried or something,like he lost his best friend, so does he maybe sense something, like a seizure is coming, perhaps…??? My poor boy. ♥

Killer Priests.

Screen Shot 11-12-17 at 07.07 PM In church yesterday the priest was talking about the priests’ hunting trip where they were hunting deer and moose and I found it to be quite surprising, shocking, and disturbing that priests would be hunting, shooting,and killing animals for sport like that! It’s just so mean, so cruel, so barbaric,and so unbecoming for a priest! It’s not exactly the kind of thing I’d imagine a man of God doing, hunting and killing God’s creation; it just doesn’t seem right and it doesn’t fit well with me. The only time I think hunting is ok is how the Native people do it because they actually use every part of the animal, for food, for clothing, etc. they don’t just hunt for sport, but for necessity,and they don’t waste anything. I think trophy hunting is barbaric and cruel. It’s also incredibly redneck, but not surprisingly alot of people in this town do it, but I’d expect a priest to respect life, all life. It was very disappointing to hear.

It was also dark when I walked home from church now with the time change, and no one stared at my hair, so either they didn’t notice (I’d shaved my head) or they were just being polite and didn’t want to be rude and stare, or else they’re just used to it because I’ve shaved my head before. I’m glad though as I don’t like it when people stare; it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Now the 14 YR old and my mother are also not feeling well with the virus going thru our house and eventually we’ll probably all get it, and the 14 YR old asked me as well who I’d rather listen to Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber but I couldn’t answer because they both suck equally and I’d rather cut my ears off than listen to either one of them! I wouldn’t even go as far as to call that music.

You Are A Shining Star.

Screen Shot 11-09-17 at 06.48 PM I shaved my head into a Buzz cut again so once again it looks like how it did in this old photo of me here from 12 years ago,only with more grey. I was bored with my hair and wanted a change so I went for it. It’s also the perfect style to express my free spirit which can’t be controlled or contained. The other day I head a lyric in a song as well You are a shining star… and that’s almost how it makes me feel with my head shaved, just free to express my individuality, my uniqueness, my free spirit, my artistic, creative, funky side. I can never be pretty but I can always be funky and unique,and I am different, a shining star that shines in my own special, unique way, standing out and apart from the crowd. Only the 14 YR old noticed, or at least said anything, though, scowling, Why are you bald? although technically bald would be hairless, with no hair at all. I have hair; it’s just shorn. Now I look and feel like myself again,and it’s good for winter,too: no more hat-hair! It’s also my edgy bad-ass look.

We’re also supposed to get our first snow,and I wish I could hibernate all winter and just sleep it away in my nice cozy warm bed, and I’m at odds with the 16 YR old who insists on wearing this way-too-short micro mini skirt that goes halfway up her thighs and makes her look like a hooker, and even more so when she pairs it with that fuzzy fluffy jacket and I think it’s inappropriate; skirts should at least go to the knee and she gets all snotty, mouthy,and bratty to me saying I want her to dress like a Muslim, and I’m crazy,stupid, retarded, and I don’t know what I’m talking about but modesty is important and I don’t want my kids looking like hookers and I’m surprised my hubby lets her go out looking  like that but as usual he never backs me up and I’m all on my own here(although my mother also agrees it’s way too short and not appropriate) and even though I told her she’s not wearing it she still does, because I have no authority and no one ever listens to me, obeys me, or does anything I say and I’m always vetoed, undermined, and over-ruled . I don’t even know why I had kids. I get no enjoyment, fulfillment, pleasure, satisfaction, joy, reward, gain, love, return, or respect, and all I ever get is all the shit, the trouble, the back-talk, the stress, the hassle, the worry, the fear, the abuse, the disrespect, the hate, the insults, the rudeness, the defiance, the disobedience, the blame, the contempt, the short end of the stick. I want a refund.

Little Baby Grass.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 01.03 PM See the tiny little blades of grass starting to grow? It’s little baby grass and I think it’s just so cute! It looks nicer in real life though and now it’s getting dry and starting to die with the oppressive heat we’ve been having. The township had torn up some sidewalk, road, and grassy area down the street to repair some water pipes so when the work was done and everything was put “back” they laid down sod and planted grass seed, and now LBG( Little Baby Grass) is starting to grow. It sort of reminds me of little baby hairs growing out of a newborn’s head, or even on your own head after you’ve shaved it down to a buzz-cut, or after you’ve allowed it to grow in longer again after being bald. It just looks so stubbly, so fuzzy, so …. cute….. like little tiny green hairs popping up everywhere.It also reminds me of John The Grasshead, who was a head-shaped Chia-Pet face with grass seeds in it you water and grass sprouts out from it, giving it a spiky haircut look. Our oldest, who was something like 5 or 6 at the time had one and named it John The Grasshead, because, well, you know….the obvious….his hair was made out of grass. I wonder if he even still remembers John The Grasshead?  😀

Speaking of hair, I washed mine and grabbed a towel and dried it…..not knowing that there was still bright red hair dye on it,(from when the 14 YR old dyed her hair the other day) and with my hair being blonde it ended up a pink tinge( I noticed as I glanced in the mirror and I gasped)  which rubbed off from the towel into my hair as I rubbed it dry and then had to wash it 3 more times to get it outAunt Flow also came, 3 days late, and surprised me actually as I’d lost track of it and didn’t even realize that it was due, since 1-2 weeks after I have it I usually bleed for a few days so it always seems like I just had it, and that might also explain why I’ve been so sweaty lately: hormones!

I also noticed that the 14 YR old being in a better mood (I know is because of her new medication) rubs off onto me as well and also puts me into a better mood as well and now that she’s nicer to me, I respond, and it’s like it “bounces” off one another and “feeds” off eachother, so maybe we really still do have that strong connection that we did when she was little and our emotions are more inter-twined than I realized?(Or maybe I’m just happy to finally see her happy) It’s almost as if my mood is a “reflection” of hers; she’s more upbeat and in a better mood now and now I’m feeling it, too, almost as if it’s rubbing off onto me, like it’s contagious! Oh, I sure hope so!!

I don’t agree with the clinic though about therapy being helpful; I don’t see how talking about traumas or the failures of your life are beneficial; to me it just feels like reopening old wounds, rehashing old hurts, reliving old traumas, and remembering how shitty my life is and reminding myself of horrors I’d rather forget; I don’t see how that’s helpful. Speaking of trauma, and perhaps this idea might help someone else, but you know how I got my abuse by a relative to finally stop once I was 12? I lied and told him that I had my period and that I could get pregnant and he believed it…..and that was it! In actual fact it didn’t really come until the next year, when I was  13, but he never knew, and it ended 8 YRS of abuse! It worked!! I still don’t like to think that my first “official” sexual experience was at 4 YRS old either, but rather not until I was 21, with my hubby, as in my mind I was still pure and innocent; it was forced on me, against my will, so it doesn’t count. I was still pure.( and to think my first experience was at age 4 makes me feel like a total slut, even though I was the victim.)

My mother gets mad at Buddy as well just for acting like a dog, even though he isdog, and she also groused that I treat him like he’s a person and when I said, What? Because I treat him with love and kindness? How am I supposed to? then she didn’t say anything. The 10 YR old asked as well about life on other planets and I said I don’t think there is and that if there was it likely would have mentioned it in the Bible ,and he asked why God didn’t put people on other planets too, not just Earth, and I told him, Honestly, He probably regretted making them and once He saw how bad most of them are and all the trouble they cause with their hate,violence, war, crime , murder, etc. He decided one time was enough and had enough and decided “I’m not doing that ever again!”

The funniest thing that I can ever remember saying to my mother when I was younger( although she can probably remember quite alot more if you asked her I’m sure, ha,ha) was would be when I was around 17 or so and she asked me a trivia question What is the female version of ” peacock?”  and I’d never heard of such a thing; I just thought they were all called peacocks! and I must have looked stumped so she prompts me on, Well…what’s the opposite of cock? so then it instantly shot out of my big mouth: CUNT!……wait….it’s called a peaCUNT? and then after she stops dying from laughing she said, “No!!! Hen! Peahen!! Ooooopppps!!!

Buddy displayed a touching show of loyalty and obedience,too: the 22 YR old was taunting him with yogurt-covered raisins, and raisins are toxic to dogs, and he called him over and he was right up  there with him, on the chair, sitting on his lap, waiting for a handout…and he was about to give him one,too….so I loudly commanded him, Buddy! COME! and immediately he jumped down and came over to me and stood next to me and rolled over in submission, passing the “loyalty test”, proving his loyalty and obedience to his human means more to him and is more important to him than even food! As a bonus he was also spared from eating something that would harm him  and as a special treat for his obedience and loyalty I gave him one of his dog marrow “cookies” and praised him, Good boy!! His love for me was so touching and in doing so, my love for him, and his obedience due to that love, possibly saved his life. That’s how it’s like with us and God,too.