Me, Myself, And I.

Screen Shot 11-14-17 at 06.33 PM I still remember when I was a kid my Babushka said I was bold. (little did she know that decades later I’d also be bald; bold and bald!) and it got me thinking, I still am! I’ve always been bold.It also got me thinking, What else am I? and What would people say about me on my obituary or at my funeral? and so I started thinking about myself and how to describe myself, and here’s what I came up with:

She loves hippos, dogs, and esp. her own,Buddy, who is her best friend and most loyal companion, the light in her dark world, her light and joy in life. She loves coconut,mangoes, chocolate, flowers,esp. sunflowers, roses,and lilacs, travel and experiencing other cultures. She has an everlasting and unwavering faith and love of God, a sorrowful heart, a reggae spirit, and a European soul. She is a free spirit who has always gone her own way and has never gone along with the crowd or been afraid to say what she thinks and stand up for what she believes in. She loves weed, which she discovered late in life, but was truly addicted to music, esp. Reggae, and Bob Marley was her favourite. She was a child of the 70’s and a teen of the 80’s, decades she loved, but in her heart she was a hippie of the 60’s. She has been a life-long Marxist and has always stood up against oppression and injustice.She has dedicated her life to raising and homeschooling her kids, and always has a prayer for anyone in need. I think that pretty much sums it up…

As well, I’m bleeding from my colon again as my diarrhrea was black and when I wiped my ass there was bright red blood(and I’m still having abdomenal pain as well) so I wonder what it is now? Is it another polyp in my colon, or something else? My eyes are also really itchy as well which may be due to my liver, or could just be my Pink-Eye, and my hubby was so drugged up on cold meds he was out of focus at the clinic yesterday (any kind of meds make him loopy; imagine what he’d be like on weed? he’d be flat on the floor!!) and one of the therapists even said she likes my head shaved,too( into the Buzz -cut) which surprised me; I like it but it always surprises me when other people do, esp. because my family hates it and always makes fun of it ( eg: ugly lesbian hair) and Buddy’s acting really weird,too; he keeps nudging me,pulling on my pant leg, and staring at me and whimpering and whining and has this really sad look on his face, like he’s worried or something,like he lost his best friend, so does he maybe sense something, like a seizure is coming, perhaps…??? My poor boy. ♥

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Killer Priests.

Screen Shot 11-12-17 at 07.07 PM In church yesterday the priest was talking about the priests’ hunting trip where they were hunting deer and moose and I found it to be quite surprising, shocking, and disturbing that priests would be hunting, shooting,and killing animals for sport like that! It’s just so mean, so cruel, so barbaric,and so unbecoming for a priest! It’s not exactly the kind of thing I’d imagine a man of God doing, hunting and killing God’s creation; it just doesn’t seem right and it doesn’t fit well with me. The only time I think hunting is ok is how the Native people do it because they actually use every part of the animal, for food, for clothing, etc. they don’t just hunt for sport, but for necessity,and they don’t waste anything. I think trophy hunting is barbaric and cruel. It’s also incredibly redneck, but not surprisingly alot of people in this town do it, but I’d expect a priest to respect life, all life. It was very disappointing to hear.

It was also dark when I walked home from church now with the time change, and no one stared at my hair, so either they didn’t notice (I’d shaved my head) or they were just being polite and didn’t want to be rude and stare, or else they’re just used to it because I’ve shaved my head before. I’m glad though as I don’t like it when people stare; it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Now the 14 YR old and my mother are also not feeling well with the virus going thru our house and eventually we’ll probably all get it, and the 14 YR old asked me as well who I’d rather listen to Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber but I couldn’t answer because they both suck equally and I’d rather cut my ears off than listen to either one of them! I wouldn’t even go as far as to call that music.

You Are A Shining Star.

Screen Shot 11-09-17 at 06.48 PM I shaved my head into a Buzz cut again so once again it looks like how it did in this old photo of me here from 12 years ago,only with more grey. I was bored with my hair and wanted a change so I went for it. It’s also the perfect style to express my free spirit which can’t be controlled or contained. The other day I head a lyric in a song as well You are a shining star… and that’s almost how it makes me feel with my head shaved, just free to express my individuality, my uniqueness, my free spirit, my artistic, creative, funky side. I can never be pretty but I can always be funky and unique,and I am different, a shining star that shines in my own special, unique way, standing out and apart from the crowd. Only the 14 YR old noticed, or at least said anything, though, scowling, Why are you bald? although technically bald would be hairless, with no hair at all. I have hair; it’s just shorn. Now I look and feel like myself again,and it’s good for winter,too: no more hat-hair! It’s also my edgy bad-ass look.

We’re also supposed to get our first snow,and I wish I could hibernate all winter and just sleep it away in my nice cozy warm bed, and I’m at odds with the 16 YR old who insists on wearing this way-too-short micro mini skirt that goes halfway up her thighs and makes her look like a hooker, and even more so when she pairs it with that fuzzy fluffy jacket and I think it’s inappropriate; skirts should at least go to the knee and she gets all snotty, mouthy,and bratty to me saying I want her to dress like a Muslim, and I’m crazy,stupid, retarded, and I don’t know what I’m talking about but modesty is important and I don’t want my kids looking like hookers and I’m surprised my hubby lets her go out looking  like that but as usual he never backs me up and I’m all on my own here(although my mother also agrees it’s way too short and not appropriate) and even though I told her she’s not wearing it she still does, because I have no authority and no one ever listens to me, obeys me, or does anything I say and I’m always vetoed, undermined, and over-ruled . I don’t even know why I had kids. I get no enjoyment, fulfillment, pleasure, satisfaction, joy, reward, gain, love, return, or respect, and all I ever get is all the shit, the trouble, the back-talk, the stress, the hassle, the worry, the fear, the abuse, the disrespect, the hate, the insults, the rudeness, the defiance, the disobedience, the blame, the contempt, the short end of the stick. I want a refund.

Little Baby Grass.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 01.03 PM See the tiny little blades of grass starting to grow? It’s little baby grass and I think it’s just so cute! It looks nicer in real life though and now it’s getting dry and starting to die with the oppressive heat we’ve been having. The township had torn up some sidewalk, road, and grassy area down the street to repair some water pipes so when the work was done and everything was put “back” they laid down sod and planted grass seed, and now LBG( Little Baby Grass) is starting to grow. It sort of reminds me of little baby hairs growing out of a newborn’s head, or even on your own head after you’ve shaved it down to a buzz-cut, or after you’ve allowed it to grow in longer again after being bald. It just looks so stubbly, so fuzzy, so …. cute….. like little tiny green hairs popping up everywhere.It also reminds me of John The Grasshead, who was a head-shaped Chia-Pet face with grass seeds in it you water and grass sprouts out from it, giving it a spiky haircut look. Our oldest, who was something like 5 or 6 at the time had one and named it John The Grasshead, because, well, you know….the obvious….his hair was made out of grass. I wonder if he even still remembers John The Grasshead?  😀

Speaking of hair, I washed mine and grabbed a towel and dried it…..not knowing that there was still bright red hair dye on it,(from when the 14 YR old dyed her hair the other day) and with my hair being blonde it ended up a pink tinge( I noticed as I glanced in the mirror and I gasped)  which rubbed off from the towel into my hair as I rubbed it dry and then had to wash it 3 more times to get it outAunt Flow also came, 3 days late, and surprised me actually as I’d lost track of it and didn’t even realize that it was due, since 1-2 weeks after I have it I usually bleed for a few days so it always seems like I just had it, and that might also explain why I’ve been so sweaty lately: hormones!

I also noticed that the 14 YR old being in a better mood (I know is because of her new medication) rubs off onto me as well and also puts me into a better mood as well and now that she’s nicer to me, I respond, and it’s like it “bounces” off one another and “feeds” off eachother, so maybe we really still do have that strong connection that we did when she was little and our emotions are more inter-twined than I realized?(Or maybe I’m just happy to finally see her happy) It’s almost as if my mood is a “reflection” of hers; she’s more upbeat and in a better mood now and now I’m feeling it, too, almost as if it’s rubbing off onto me, like it’s contagious! Oh, I sure hope so!!

I don’t agree with the clinic though about therapy being helpful; I don’t see how talking about traumas or the failures of your life are beneficial; to me it just feels like reopening old wounds, rehashing old hurts, reliving old traumas, and remembering how shitty my life is and reminding myself of horrors I’d rather forget; I don’t see how that’s helpful. Speaking of trauma, and perhaps this idea might help someone else, but you know how I got my abuse by a relative to finally stop once I was 12? I lied and told him that I had my period and that I could get pregnant and he believed it…..and that was it! In actual fact it didn’t really come until the next year, when I was  13, but he never knew, and it ended 8 YRS of abuse! It worked!! I still don’t like to think that my first “official” sexual experience was at 4 YRS old either, but rather not until I was 21, with my hubby, as in my mind I was still pure and innocent; it was forced on me, against my will, so it doesn’t count. I was still pure.( and to think my first experience was at age 4 makes me feel like a total slut, even though I was the victim.)

My mother gets mad at Buddy as well just for acting like a dog, even though he isdog, and she also groused that I treat him like he’s a person and when I said, What? Because I treat him with love and kindness? How am I supposed to? then she didn’t say anything. The 10 YR old asked as well about life on other planets and I said I don’t think there is and that if there was it likely would have mentioned it in the Bible ,and he asked why God didn’t put people on other planets too, not just Earth, and I told him, Honestly, He probably regretted making them and once He saw how bad most of them are and all the trouble they cause with their hate,violence, war, crime , murder, etc. He decided one time was enough and had enough and decided “I’m not doing that ever again!”

The funniest thing that I can ever remember saying to my mother when I was younger( although she can probably remember quite alot more if you asked her I’m sure, ha,ha) was would be when I was around 17 or so and she asked me a trivia question What is the female version of ” peacock?”  and I’d never heard of such a thing; I just thought they were all called peacocks! and I must have looked stumped so she prompts me on, Well…what’s the opposite of cock? so then it instantly shot out of my big mouth: CUNT!……wait….it’s called a peaCUNT? and then after she stops dying from laughing she said, “No!!! Hen! Peahen!! Ooooopppps!!!

Buddy displayed a touching show of loyalty and obedience,too: the 22 YR old was taunting him with yogurt-covered raisins, and raisins are toxic to dogs, and he called him over and he was right up  there with him, on the chair, sitting on his lap, waiting for a handout…and he was about to give him one,too….so I loudly commanded him, Buddy! COME! and immediately he jumped down and came over to me and stood next to me and rolled over in submission, passing the “loyalty test”, proving his loyalty and obedience to his human means more to him and is more important to him than even food! As a bonus he was also spared from eating something that would harm him  and as a special treat for his obedience and loyalty I gave him one of his dog marrow “cookies” and praised him, Good boy!! His love for me was so touching and in doing so, my love for him, and his obedience due to that love, possibly saved his life. That’s how it’s like with us and God,too.

 

 

Shit On A Stick.

Screen Shot 06-15-17 at 04.36 PM I went to the doctor’s and had my BP checked. It was the nurse that did it,actually; I never even saw the doctor himself. She had the BP cuff attached on for several minutes and it automatically squeezed on and off, constricting like a huge snake, cutting off my circulation and making my arm go numb, taking readings and everything’s good, all in the normal range, as to be expected since I’ve been on the meds for my high BP for 5 YRS or so now so I’d hope they’d be working!At it’s highest my BP had been 175/150! I also got a colon cancer screening test kit and she explained to me how it works and the mystery about how I get the shit sample has been solved at last!

There’s a cardboard-like thing( seen in the photo here) with 3 separate flaps on it and you don’t actually send an entire turd off to be tested, but just a smear, a fudge smudge basically, it’s pretty much shit on a stick. The kit also comes with 3 wooden “popsicle” style sticks to scrape the shit off with(ewww!) and then you put the tiny samples on the paper, 3 separate days’ worth and then seal it up and put it in the provided envelope along with the requisition form the doctor already filled out and mail it off to the lab and in 1-2 weeks the doctor gets the results. They’re basically looking for blood in the shit, which is often an indicator of colon cancer, and if it shows up I’ll get a call and go in for further testing such as a colonoscopy, which is basically like having a garden hose with a tiny camera on it shoved up my ass. I had a similar thing done at the other end 3 times ; an endoscopy, for my stomach ulcers, where the tube went down my throat and into my stomach. Most of my shits are diarrhrea though so I hope that won’t be a problem in getting a sample, that it won’t be too “runny” to stick to the paper  or to be tested. This is just so gross…..

I also got more cannabis oil, which arrived just the next day after I ordered it online, and the 15 YR old, 14 YR old and myself were in the livingroom, them playing a video game and me listening to my music, when out of nowhere the 14 YR old said to me, Your hair’s so  gross! ( my buzz-cut) which I thought was sort of mean and uncalled for, so I replied, At least I wash mine! ( in reference to her hair always being so dirty, greasy and unwashed) and then she got all offended and snippy and said that I’m “rude” when she started it and insulted me first. She can dish it out but she can’t take it, typical bully reaction, and I’m really tired of always being insulted, bullied, put down, and generally just mistreated, disrespected, and treated like shit, and I’m not going to take it anymore, and whenever anyone insults me, is mean to me, puts me down, or degrades or belittles me in any way I just give it right back to them. I stand up for myself and don’t let them push me around. If they’re going to be such assholes then I’m going to call them out on it! F*ck ’em!!

Cuba, Part Seven.

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I have abdomenal cramps now as well as The Shits, and due to my hair someone else thought I was a dude,too, and I can imagine people wondering about me, what my story is, the Mysterious Bald Lady, all alone, always keeping to myself, wearing my sunglasses, always looking down or away, never making eye contact, like a lone hippo separate from the herd, thinking, What’s her story?  They probably think I’m coming off  of a divorce, or I’m grieving or something, when really it’s recovery following another suicide attempt…I also saw Cuban bikers at the bar and at the tables in the bar(that’s where I have to go to get my drinks; my cola,lemonade, and orange, mango, pineapple,or pina colada slushies and drinks) they have artificial sunflowers in vases and it felt like it was a special “sign” just for me, and there’s this painting on the wall in my room too and at first I thought was of a captive on a slave ship and it made me sad but when I looked closer(when I put my reading glasses on) realized it was a fisherman on a fishing boat  and I felt better.

The 17 YR old also had a birthday and so now she’s 18; an official adult, and I just love the Caribbean so muchbelong here; I’m an Island Girl born in the wrong country, and I don’t know what the poor Cubans will think later once Americans will be allowed in; they’re easily the most loudest, most obnoxious tourists, and in all my travels I can always spot the Americans in the group! I also enjoyed my last sunset at the beach as well and there was a guy swimming naked!  I had to look twice to make sure that I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing,and then I just laughed and looked away; too bad he wasn’t hot though( he was old) but I have seen lots of hot guys here; not that it matters though when every other woman’s thinner and prettier than I am; how can I ever possibly compete with that? Sometimes I really do wonder if maybe I really am just too ugly to deserve love and happiness?

It’s so beautiful here as well I can see how Hemingway was inspired to write 2 of his novels here, it’s a tropical paradise,  and you can tell who’s just recently arrived,too, as they’re either pasty white or all sunburned red, or who’s been here awhile as they’re all nice and brown! Interesting I also noticed is that here I’m not run-down exhausted , wiped-out and drained like I always am at home, so is it perhaps because maybe I’m not being poisoned here, away from my family, or maybe it’s the sun and warm weather that lifts my spirits, or maybe just that I’m away from them and removed from that toxic environment that destroys me and kills my spirit, or maybe it’s just that I’m relaxed and stress-free and can unwind and in my Happy Place it’s just therapeutic and healing and I just generally feel better, have more energy, have higher spirits, and am just healthier here overall in mind, body,and spirit.

SWF.

Screen Shot 04-10-17 at 02.37 PM SWF: soft warm fur. Sun-kissed. The girls and I just absolutely love Buddy’s warm fur from the sun and he loves basking in the sun just like I do; we’re sun buddies! Laying in the sun relaxes him too and puts him in a better mood as well and he’s less “snappy” and more agreeable to letting the kids “maul” him after a nice sunbath.(Just so you know, he’s never been snappy, growled at, or bitten me, because I’m nice to him and he loves me) If you look closely you might be able to see his painted nails,too, courtesy of the 15 YR old. I told her it was gay because he’s a boy (and he doesn’t like it) but she didn’t care. Poor dog. He must be so embarrassed to go out in public like that. He does have some dignity, you know.

I also was up to see the sunrise yesterday as I took Buddy for his morning walk and it was really pretty and we went to the 13 YR old’s weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic and this time I brought my iPod to listen to music on the HR drive there and back to help pass the time faster and my hubby sniffed, Good, now I won’t have to listen to you yapping! but I don’t have to listen to you,either, asshole, or your redneck crap on the radio which he did have on both ways, and on the way home we got gas at the Mohawk reserve as it’s cheaper not having to pay tax,and stopped off at Sephora as the 13 YR old had to exchange a birthday gift she got someone as it was the wrong colour and I tried on a purple lipstick there and her and my hubby gasped, what did you do to your lips?  and she also wouldn’t let me go anywhere near her in the store,either; I had to pretend I was alone and didn’t know her and when her and my hubby were walking in the mall they were always so many steps ahead of me too and I was trailing along behind..that’s just so symbolic of how my family treats me, how they make me feel, and my place in my family.

The 13 YR old continues to make progress and do well, but as we left the parking lot and tried to cross the street to the hospital she suddenly felt like she was going to barf and pass out and she sat down right there in the middle of the sidewalk so my hubby ran across the street and got her a wheelchair but her BP and heart rate were ok, so maybe she’s just coming down with something, some sort of virus, as someone’s usually sick over Easter, and they increased her anxiety meds(which also help her sleep better) and said she needs more structure and routine, such as for meal-times and bed, whereas we’ve always been more “free”, flexible, let the kids come and go and make their own schedules, more of a free-range parenting style without much structure, rules, or routine.

Both the nurse-practitioner and social worker really loved my new hair as well and they said it was edgy and alternative and gushed how much they loved it so I guess they really did, otherwise they didn’t have to say anything, and they probably all wonder too how my hubby and I ever got together, with me being funky and him such a nerd, with such dissimilar tastes and nothing in common,and I do,too, and when we got home I was really tired as the app’t’s and long drives are exhausting on me both mentally and physically so I had a nap and the 13 YR old goes, why are you napping? and I told her because I’m tired and she says you shouldn’t do weed!…..except I didn’t…..I was just tired.… I can be tired for other reasons,too, not just when I drift off after I’ve used weed!