I’m Back!

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For the past couple of months I’ve let my natural shit brown and grey hair grow back in after I went back to my Buzz-cut at the end of the summer (I’d had it dyed platinum blonde before) giving me a bit of break(and expense!) for awhile from having to dye my hair every 3 weeks(because it’s so short and the colour gets cut off quickly) but then I got tired of all the grey and how old it made me look and feel so  today I dyed it back to blonde again, as seen here, and now I feel like my old self again(almost) and as the process was complete and I dried my hair with the towel and removed it to see the final end result I looked at myself in the mirror and announced, I’m back! I’m still ugly and I always will be but at least I don’t look as old now without the grey!

I also often have these nightmares that I can’t find Buddy, which I think is my fear of losing him because I just love him so much and he means so much to me; he’s my entire world, and last night I had another dream he was paralyzed in his hind legs and was also blind and when I was looking all over for him,calling for him and couldn’t find him a voice called out to me, He knows The End is near and he wants to go off by himself and it scared me so much that I woke up out of my sleep in a panic covered in sweat and panting in fear and actually calling him out loud in real life and much relieved to wake up and realize it was only a dream and he was curled up sleeping safely under the covers beside me. I cuddled him close and told him that no matter what may come in his old age ( he turns 13 in February) I will walk beside him thru his journey and I will never leave him, and I will be there for him right up to the end and will never abandon him, although I still hope he outlives me as he’s my everything; my only love, joy,and happiness in life,and I don’t even want to live in a world without him in it.

I can’t believe either today’s exactly 2 months until Christmas and I still haven’t even accepted the fact yet that summer is over and I’m still working on trying to accept that it’s fall and am only getting there in small steps, bit by bit; I don’t even want to think about winter yet, and it’s so cold now when I go out walking Buddy there I am out there wearing my wool sweater and hat and I saw the mail carrier wearing shorts and it was 5 C but felt like 1 C and I could have sworn I even saw a snow flurry! The 17 YR old also snickered cruelly to me, All you do is lay on the couch and get fat; I’m surprised you’re not an alcoholic,too! which was uncalled for, very hurtful and mean and she seems to forget that I spent more than half my life raising and homeschooling my large brood of kids, over 25 years (although the girls and my hubby sneer I don’t work and don’t have a job because I don’t get paid, devaluing my vocation) which is no easy task and is lots of work, and now I’m older and my health is poor and I have lots of medical issues, not to mention my brokenness from trauma and beaten down from life and now I have to slow down take it easy and rest.

I’m not young anymore and no longer have the health or stamina that I used to or the abilities that I once did and it would nice for them to have a little understanding, compassion and kindness instead of insults and ridicule,and it’s hard enough raising kids as it is, but my depression, Asperger’s and bipolar makes the challenging job of parenting even more difficult (I get it that having a bipolar and autistic mother can’t be easy but it’s not easy for me,either, having to live that way,and with it, or trying to raise a family with it, but I tried my best,and I didn’t even knowhad it until after I already had the kids, otherwise I never would have)and a little support would be nice. My family sucks.Then they wonder WHY I want to run away from home.

My Bloat.

NewHippos In case you didn’t know, a herd of hippos is called a bloat. You learn something new every day. When I went to the Ex I got these new beauties to add to my collection. It’s always fun being on the “hunt” looking for new pieces to add to my collection, which now makes up close to some 30 pieces, just the figurines, not incl. the stuffed toys,and I enjoy getting them in different mediums, too, such as in wood, stone such as marble, ivory, etc. porcelain,,brass, glass,etc. From all the walking around at the Ex my poor body’s begging for mercy as well: my back ( from carrying around my heavy backpack full of hippos…..they’re right…..hippos really are heavy and weigh a ton!) and legs are all really stiff and sore and are killing me. I can hardly even move. On top of that, my abdomenal pain is back again,too, so today is a R&R Day: Rest and Recovery.

Collection1 Here is the rest of my collection, taken in a series of 3 photos in order to cover them all. They all now currently reside on my bedroom dresser top.

collection2

bloat2 and there you have it!

As well, my hubby and kids always mind-f*ck me by saying that the Edmonton Boys take and sell drugs  and then they’ll never say if they’re just trying to freak me out or if it’s actually true or not, and they make fun of the way my mother and I pronounce Caribbean as well: we say Care-a-bee-an and they said the correct way is Ca-rib- bee-an but either way is  acceptable and correct and is most likely a regional thing, depending where you live how you pronounce it, and I’ve heard other people say it the same way we do,too, even though they said it’s only us that say it like that,and I know that my hubby isn’t the One for me,either; he can’t be; your life-long partner should make you feel loved, special, safe, secure, wanted, important, valued, protected, beautiful, respected, and the like but he makes me feel unloved, unwanted, ugly, stupid, small, inferior, worthless, useless, insignificant, unimportant, devalued, rejected, unlovable, and diminished.

I’ve all but given up hope that there’s anyone out there for me. I mean, who’s going to want an old, fat, ugly middle-aged woman with Asperger’s, Bipolar, depression,social phobia, etc? That’s just too much baggage, too much to handle, and no return. What do I possibly have to offer anyone except for love,and is that enough? I know other fat, ugly, messed-up people find love yet somehow it always seems out of my reach and unattainable. My hubby was the “best” I could do and even he doesn’t want me anymore and got tired of me, just as everyone always eventually does. Maybe I’m just one of those lone wolf people that are just meant to be alone?

I also did my hair back into a Buzz- cut again. It’s always so freeing. I almost feel “empowered” in a way, like the Phoenix rising from the flames.It’s like the true “inner” me is released and I can express my true, real self. It’s just so liberating,and let’s face it, I’m never going to be attractive anyway, no matter what I do with my hair, whether I’m bald, have a Buzz-cut, short hair or long hair; it really doesn’t matter; I’m still always going to be ugly anyway; it’s not like I’m going to look any more ugly, and I already look like a man, so it won’t make any difference having a Buzz-cut, so I might as well just have a style that  like and that best personifies me and best suits me and my personality and if the right person ever should come along then he’ll love me for me anyway, just as I am, Buzz-cut and all.If not, f*ck it; at least I have hair I like and I’m doing it for me,anyway.

 

Moving Day.

Movers

For the past 4 nights I’ve have my old recurring dream (that I’ve had for years, although not days in a row like this, just every now and then) that I move back to my old Toronto house. Even though I only lived there for 5 years, from age 12-17, of all the houses I’ve ever lived in ( at least 13, maybe more) that house has always been my fave. and the one that I most feel was my home. In my dream my mother and I and Buddy move back there and it’s the same it was as when we moved out in 1984, the same wallpaper, carpeting,etc. and I’m trying to figure out where to put the furniture and the stuff on the walls, etc. and in last night’s “episode” it seemed so real I didn’t even realize that it was a dream and in the dream I remember saying to myself, I’ve had recurring dreams about moving back to my old house for years,and now here I am! I’ve always wonder what, if anything, it means and symbolizes though; is it just happy memories of a place I felt safe, at home, protected from the world, my sanctuary,  and just happy times I wish I could go back to, or is there something more, perhaps meaning I’m going to die soon, symbolizing that I’m going Home soon, as in to Heaven, like how that old Toronto house symbolizes my home…..

Speaking of moving, in the latest dreams there’s also an extra addition to it as well where my mother booked with the moving company to get our stuff and move it to the old house and she signed a contract with the moving date but they never showed up and each day goes by I keep hoping and waiting it’s moving day but they never show up and it never is even though they said Friday….and I keep waiting and waiting, desperate to move back but the movers never show up….. they also sold that house beside D’s old house that was up for over 400 000$ and it didn’t take that long to sell,either, and it must be to out-of-towners as the rednecks in this town couldn’t afford it, and that’s what this town is; mostly run-down cheap aluminum siding houses with the odd nice big old house thrown in here and there, and everyone puts their toilet paper rolls on the wrong way too, with it rubbing along down the wall, and talk low-class in double-negatives too, revealing their obvious lack of education, such as I a’int seen nothin’, I never said nothin’, is that one of them weiner dogs? etc. It just makes my skin crawl. Everyone also wears these plaid flannel shirts and look like farmers and even the women drive pick up trucks!

We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog is prego or not but the vet says not likely since Buddy’s 12 and likely has a low sperm count but I think he’s up for it; I don’t think he “shoots blanks” and I think he’ll show them and prove them wrong; he’s got what it takes, and the 18 YR old for one of her journalism interviews for school had to go to a redneck hockey game! Poor her! She must have got the short straw when it came to assignments, but she also gets good assignments,too, like reviewing live theatre performances and interviewing famous people.My hubby was also 3 days late giving us our $$$ for the month and he brushed it off saying we don’t need it now and I told him We needed it 3 days ago! and he either just doesn’t see how much we struggle financially or he’s in denial, or just doesn’t want to step up, but it’s so bad that we couldn’t even give the kids their allowances until he paid us and we’re so poor now too my mother wants to get a haircut(and needs one) but has to let her hair grow out long because she just doesn’t have the $$$$$. She doesn’t even have the $$$$ for a haircut.

My mother also asked if anyone at church mentioned my Buzz-cut but what are they going to say, like, Oh, my God, you’re bald! What happened? No, they never said anything and they never even stared, but it’s church and they’ve seen me bald many times before so it’s no big deal. I saw this old guy there too, likely near 70 with this much younger woman, 30-40 years younger than him so then in my mind I was wondering, I wonder if that’s his daughter or his girlfriend? so then I tried to guess based on their body language and other clues and I noticed he had a sharp hairstyle and was dressed dapper incl. sunglasses and was looking good, like he was trying to impress someone so I figured she must be his girlfriend and then he put his arm around her and gently rubbed her back…..so, ok…..I guess that answers it, she’s not his daughter! 😀  My father-in-law also had a birthday and he’s now 85. Wow….I sure hope I don’t live that long. It’s depressing even thinking about it.

Bold, Bald, Badass.

BuzzcutNew Going….going….gone! My Buzz-cut is back! I missed it and was bored with my hair and the Buzz-cut best describes me and my personality so I shaved my head again. This is how I feel(and best express) the Real Me. This is me. I look and feel like the most myself with the Buzz-cut. So far anyway no one in my family has even mentioned it, so either they never even noticed, or (more likely) they did but they can’t say anything without being mean so in that case it’s better not to say anything at all than to say something mean. Alot of other people over the years have liked it though, just random people I’ve come across in life from airline staff, to those in medical settings, or clerks in stores, or even just strangers in the street that approach me and say how “cool” it is, how many people can’t pull off a Buzz-cut but it “suits” me, and how much they love it and how they wish they had the courage to do it too but they’re not “brave” enough. Patti says the shaved look isn’t a flattering style on me but let’s face it here, when you look like I do, nothing is a flattering style; I’m still ugly no matter what I do, so I might as well just do what I like and as long as I like it that’s really all that matters, anyway. I am bold, bald, bodacious,and badass.

My friend P (from grade 6) also had her birthday and her and her BF are in Montego Bay to celebrate; what I wouldn’t give to be in Jamaica right now myself… and my former sister-in-law ( she was married to one of my hubby’s brothers) is getting married next year also in Montego Bay; she’s snagged herself a rich guy this time around ( my mother calls it “moving up” or “trading up”) and I was at her last wedding so I hope she invited me again, and then I get to go to Jamaica,’mon! The 16 YR old’s cheerleading squad also came in Second place at a competition in Kingston over the weekend, and just to worry and panic me the 14 and 16 YR old’s ran outside with Buddy to take him out for a walk but didn’t tell me and then they purposely left both front doors open so I’d see it and panic thinking he ran away….just to be cruel, just to mess with me, just to watch me freak out in panic….only their cruel “prank” didn’t turn out so well as I looked out the door and I saw them with him, scurrying down the street and then heard the 16 YR old exclaim, Oh, no, she saw us! My family is toxic. I really need to get out of this place.

The Nose-Ring.

Nosering 2 weeks or so or a month or whatever it was ago I had another CT scan and had to take out my earrings and nose-ring and afterwards I went to put them back in but I couldn’t get the nose-ring( a diamond stud like the one seen here) back in. I spent over 30 minutes trying to twist and turn it in but it wouldn’t go thru the hole no matter what, no matter how hard I tried, and my nose was really sore, red, swollen,and bleeding so I just left it out a few days to heal before trying again. Several days later I tried again, not wanting the hole to heal up and close over but I still couldn’t get it in so I tried a gold hoop instead, thinking maybe that will go in easier and work….and it still took forever and hurt and bled but I finally got it in. Then one day while I was at Patti’s it came undone in there and got stuck and was really pinching so I just took it out and left it until my recent scan the other day.

After my recent scan a couple of days ago ( I also have an ultrasound of my liver and kidneys next week but I don’t have to remove earrings for that; I just need to drink a shitload 1 HR before and not pee as they need a full bladder for a clearer image) I attempted to put it back in again, after healing for awhile but it still wouldn’t budge and refused to go in, almost as if the hole had closed up or as if it almost wasn’t meant to, or God didn’t want it to; He was stopping it, trying to tell me something… after all that struggle I figured that maybe for some reason God didn’t want me to have that nose-ring anymore ( even though I’d had it for 31 years and even pierced it myself with a big safety pin I’d sterilized first when I was 20, before piercings even became trendy; I was ahead of my time) even though I love it and will miss it. I don’t know what else would explain it. I’ve never had problems like that getting it in before. So I just figure it’s God’s will and for some reason He doesn’t want me to have it anymore( perhaps it will cause an infection later at some point, or something? who knows?) so I let it go and gave up. It’s up to me to be obedient, not to question why…God’s plans and God’s ways are bigger than ours…

I also have a desire to shave my head again and go back to my buzz-cut. Every now and then I do; I get bored and miss it and want to be bold, bald, and badass again, and it expresses my free spirit and rebellious off-beat funky personality perfectly,and I will never be pretty but I can always be unique. It’s also sort of like “armour” in a way too as it “scares” people off and they keep a distance from me so they don’t get too close and they leave me alone. Aunt Flow showed up as well, just when I thought menopause had finally started and I thought tomorrow it would be 8 weeks but when I checked on my calendar since the last one it was actually 9 weeks! Of course the cramps are off the charts but so far the flow isn’t too bad, surprisingly going so long, but it just started too and the second day is always the worst…

The other day at the hospital getting my CT scan for my heart my hubby saw my discharge vitals BP and heart rate and they were normal and he scoffed that I don’t really have a breathing problem or heart issues, always in denial of my medical issues, even though they’re running all these scans and tests and bloodwork and the Alpha 1 genetic disorder is looking like a strong possibility which affects the lungs( and liver) and causes breathing problems,and I’m NOT making it up; I know how I feel, I have the symptoms, and something’s draining the life and the energy out of me but he just simply refuses to see it and prefers instead to blame me and accuse me of just being “lazy” and making it up.I wonder how the asshole will feel later once I finally have a diagnosis, esp. if it turns out to be the genetic thing or something else really serious,and here he thought that I was just “faking” it all along? One day they’ll say my organs are at the end-stage failure and I’ll need a transplant or I’m dying, how will he feel then? Although he’s such a callous, cold asshole he probably still won’t even care, in fact, he’ll probably be glad to be getting rid of me. He’s also always trying to pressure my mother to sell the house even though she doesn’t want to move, saying moving is such a big hassle and expense and she would only consider it if she made more $$$$ selling this house than she spends on the next one and we were able to significantly downsize and save $$$$ otherwise there’s really no point.

Me, Myself, And I.

Screen Shot 11-14-17 at 06.33 PM I still remember when I was a kid my Babushka said I was bold. (little did she know that decades later I’d also be bald; bold and bald!) and it got me thinking, I still am! I’ve always been bold.It also got me thinking, What else am I? and What would people say about me on my obituary or at my funeral? and so I started thinking about myself and how to describe myself, and here’s what I came up with:

She loves hippos, dogs, and esp. her own,Buddy, who is her best friend and most loyal companion, the light in her dark world, her light and joy in life. She loves coconut,mangoes, chocolate, flowers,esp. sunflowers, roses,and lilacs, travel and experiencing other cultures. She has an everlasting and unwavering faith and love of God, a sorrowful heart, a reggae spirit, and a European soul. She is a free spirit who has always gone her own way and has never gone along with the crowd or been afraid to say what she thinks and stand up for what she believes in. She loves weed, which she discovered late in life, but was truly addicted to music, esp. Reggae, and Bob Marley was her favourite. She was a child of the 70’s and a teen of the 80’s, decades she loved, but in her heart she was a hippie of the 60’s. She has been a life-long Marxist and has always stood up against oppression and injustice.She has dedicated her life to raising and homeschooling her kids, and always has a prayer for anyone in need. I think that pretty much sums it up…

As well, I’m bleeding from my colon again as my diarrhrea was black and when I wiped my ass there was bright red blood(and I’m still having abdomenal pain as well) so I wonder what it is now? Is it another polyp in my colon, or something else? My eyes are also really itchy as well which may be due to my liver, or could just be my Pink-Eye, and my hubby was so drugged up on cold meds he was out of focus at the clinic yesterday (any kind of meds make him loopy; imagine what he’d be like on weed? he’d be flat on the floor!!) and one of the therapists even said she likes my head shaved,too( into the Buzz -cut) which surprised me; I like it but it always surprises me when other people do, esp. because my family hates it and always makes fun of it ( eg: ugly lesbian hair) and Buddy’s acting really weird,too; he keeps nudging me,pulling on my pant leg, and staring at me and whimpering and whining and has this really sad look on his face, like he’s worried or something,like he lost his best friend, so does he maybe sense something, like a seizure is coming, perhaps…??? My poor boy. ♥

Killer Priests.

Screen Shot 11-12-17 at 07.07 PM In church yesterday the priest was talking about the priests’ hunting trip where they were hunting deer and moose and I found it to be quite surprising, shocking, and disturbing that priests would be hunting, shooting,and killing animals for sport like that! It’s just so mean, so cruel, so barbaric,and so unbecoming for a priest! It’s not exactly the kind of thing I’d imagine a man of God doing, hunting and killing God’s creation; it just doesn’t seem right and it doesn’t fit well with me. The only time I think hunting is ok is how the Native people do it because they actually use every part of the animal, for food, for clothing, etc. they don’t just hunt for sport, but for necessity,and they don’t waste anything. I think trophy hunting is barbaric and cruel. It’s also incredibly redneck, but not surprisingly alot of people in this town do it, but I’d expect a priest to respect life, all life. It was very disappointing to hear.

It was also dark when I walked home from church now with the time change, and no one stared at my hair, so either they didn’t notice (I’d shaved my head) or they were just being polite and didn’t want to be rude and stare, or else they’re just used to it because I’ve shaved my head before. I’m glad though as I don’t like it when people stare; it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Now the 14 YR old and my mother are also not feeling well with the virus going thru our house and eventually we’ll probably all get it, and the 14 YR old asked me as well who I’d rather listen to Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber but I couldn’t answer because they both suck equally and I’d rather cut my ears off than listen to either one of them! I wouldn’t even go as far as to call that music.