Little Baby Grass.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 01.03 PM See the tiny little blades of grass starting to grow? It’s little baby grass and I think it’s just so cute! It looks nicer in real life though and now it’s getting dry and starting to die with the oppressive heat we’ve been having. The township had torn up some sidewalk, road, and grassy area down the street to repair some water pipes so when the work was done and everything was put “back” they laid down sod and planted grass seed, and now LBG( Little Baby Grass) is starting to grow. It sort of reminds me of little baby hairs growing out of a newborn’s head, or even on your own head after you’ve shaved it down to a buzz-cut, or after you’ve allowed it to grow in longer again after being bald. It just looks so stubbly, so fuzzy, so …. cute….. like little tiny green hairs popping up everywhere.It also reminds me of John The Grasshead, who was a head-shaped Chia-Pet face with grass seeds in it you water and grass sprouts out from it, giving it a spiky haircut look. Our oldest, who was something like 5 or 6 at the time had one and named it John The Grasshead, because, well, you know….the obvious….his hair was made out of grass. I wonder if he even still remembers John The Grasshead?  😀

Speaking of hair, I washed mine and grabbed a towel and dried it…..not knowing that there was still bright red hair dye on it,(from when the 14 YR old dyed her hair the other day) and with my hair being blonde it ended up a pink tinge( I noticed as I glanced in the mirror and I gasped)  which rubbed off from the towel into my hair as I rubbed it dry and then had to wash it 3 more times to get it outAunt Flow also came, 3 days late, and surprised me actually as I’d lost track of it and didn’t even realize that it was due, since 1-2 weeks after I have it I usually bleed for a few days so it always seems like I just had it, and that might also explain why I’ve been so sweaty lately: hormones!

I also noticed that the 14 YR old being in a better mood (I know is because of her new medication) rubs off onto me as well and also puts me into a better mood as well and now that she’s nicer to me, I respond, and it’s like it “bounces” off one another and “feeds” off eachother, so maybe we really still do have that strong connection that we did when she was little and our emotions are more inter-twined than I realized?(Or maybe I’m just happy to finally see her happy) It’s almost as if my mood is a “reflection” of hers; she’s more upbeat and in a better mood now and now I’m feeling it, too, almost as if it’s rubbing off onto me, like it’s contagious! Oh, I sure hope so!!

I don’t agree with the clinic though about therapy being helpful; I don’t see how talking about traumas or the failures of your life are beneficial; to me it just feels like reopening old wounds, rehashing old hurts, reliving old traumas, and remembering how shitty my life is and reminding myself of horrors I’d rather forget; I don’t see how that’s helpful. Speaking of trauma, and perhaps this idea might help someone else, but you know how I got my abuse by a relative to finally stop once I was 12? I lied and told him that I had my period and that I could get pregnant and he believed it…..and that was it! In actual fact it didn’t really come until the next year, when I was  13, but he never knew, and it ended 8 YRS of abuse! It worked!! I still don’t like to think that my first “official” sexual experience was at 4 YRS old either, but rather not until I was 21, with my hubby, as in my mind I was still pure and innocent; it was forced on me, against my will, so it doesn’t count. I was still pure.( and to think my first experience was at age 4 makes me feel like a total slut, even though I was the victim.)

My mother gets mad at Buddy as well just for acting like a dog, even though he isdog, and she also groused that I treat him like he’s a person and when I said, What? Because I treat him with love and kindness? How am I supposed to? then she didn’t say anything. The 10 YR old asked as well about life on other planets and I said I don’t think there is and that if there was it likely would have mentioned it in the Bible ,and he asked why God didn’t put people on other planets too, not just Earth, and I told him, Honestly, He probably regretted making them and once He saw how bad most of them are and all the trouble they cause with their hate,violence, war, crime , murder, etc. He decided one time was enough and had enough and decided “I’m not doing that ever again!”

The funniest thing that I can ever remember saying to my mother when I was younger( although she can probably remember quite alot more if you asked her I’m sure, ha,ha) was would be when I was around 17 or so and she asked me a trivia question What is the female version of ” peacock?”  and I’d never heard of such a thing; I just thought they were all called peacocks! and I must have looked stumped so she prompts me on, Well…what’s the opposite of cock? so then it instantly shot out of my big mouth: CUNT!……wait….it’s called a peaCUNT? and then after she stops dying from laughing she said, “No!!! Hen! Peahen!! Ooooopppps!!!

Buddy displayed a touching show of loyalty and obedience,too: the 22 YR old was taunting him with yogurt-covered raisins, and raisins are toxic to dogs, and he called him over and he was right up  there with him, on the chair, sitting on his lap, waiting for a handout…and he was about to give him one,too….so I loudly commanded him, Buddy! COME! and immediately he jumped down and came over to me and stood next to me and rolled over in submission, passing the “loyalty test”, proving his loyalty and obedience to his human means more to him and is more important to him than even food! As a bonus he was also spared from eating something that would harm him  and as a special treat for his obedience and loyalty I gave him one of his dog marrow “cookies” and praised him, Good boy!! His love for me was so touching and in doing so, my love for him, and his obedience due to that love, possibly saved his life. That’s how it’s like with us and God,too.

 

 

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Shit On A Stick.

Screen Shot 06-15-17 at 04.36 PM I went to the doctor’s and had my BP checked. It was the nurse that did it,actually; I never even saw the doctor himself. She had the BP cuff attached on for several minutes and it automatically squeezed on and off, constricting like a huge snake, cutting off my circulation and making my arm go numb, taking readings and everything’s good, all in the normal range, as to be expected since I’ve been on the meds for my high BP for 5 YRS or so now so I’d hope they’d be working!At it’s highest my BP had been 175/150! I also got a colon cancer screening test kit and she explained to me how it works and the mystery about how I get the shit sample has been solved at last!

There’s a cardboard-like thing( seen in the photo here) with 3 separate flaps on it and you don’t actually send an entire turd off to be tested, but just a smear, a fudge smudge basically, it’s pretty much shit on a stick. The kit also comes with 3 wooden “popsicle” style sticks to scrape the shit off with(ewww!) and then you put the tiny samples on the paper, 3 separate days’ worth and then seal it up and put it in the provided envelope along with the requisition form the doctor already filled out and mail it off to the lab and in 1-2 weeks the doctor gets the results. They’re basically looking for blood in the shit, which is often an indicator of colon cancer, and if it shows up I’ll get a call and go in for further testing such as a colonoscopy, which is basically like having a garden hose with a tiny camera on it shoved up my ass. I had a similar thing done at the other end 3 times ; an endoscopy, for my stomach ulcers, where the tube went down my throat and into my stomach. Most of my shits are diarrhrea though so I hope that won’t be a problem in getting a sample, that it won’t be too “runny” to stick to the paper  or to be tested. This is just so gross…..

I also got more cannabis oil, which arrived just the next day after I ordered it online, and the 15 YR old, 14 YR old and myself were in the livingroom, them playing a video game and me listening to my music, when out of nowhere the 14 YR old said to me, Your hair’s so  gross! ( my buzz-cut) which I thought was sort of mean and uncalled for, so I replied, At least I wash mine! ( in reference to her hair always being so dirty, greasy and unwashed) and then she got all offended and snippy and said that I’m “rude” when she started it and insulted me first. She can dish it out but she can’t take it, typical bully reaction, and I’m really tired of always being insulted, bullied, put down, and generally just mistreated, disrespected, and treated like shit, and I’m not going to take it anymore, and whenever anyone insults me, is mean to me, puts me down, or degrades or belittles me in any way I just give it right back to them. I stand up for myself and don’t let them push me around. If they’re going to be such assholes then I’m going to call them out on it! F*ck ’em!!

Cuba, Part Seven.

Screen Shot 05-31-17 at 08.42 AM 001

I have abdomenal cramps now as well as The Shits, and due to my hair someone else thought I was a dude,too, and I can imagine people wondering about me, what my story is, the Mysterious Bald Lady, all alone, always keeping to myself, wearing my sunglasses, always looking down or away, never making eye contact, like a lone hippo separate from the herd, thinking, What’s her story?  They probably think I’m coming off  of a divorce, or I’m grieving or something, when really it’s recovery following another suicide attempt…I also saw Cuban bikers at the bar and at the tables in the bar(that’s where I have to go to get my drinks; my cola,lemonade, and orange, mango, pineapple,or pina colada slushies and drinks) they have artificial sunflowers in vases and it felt like it was a special “sign” just for me, and there’s this painting on the wall in my room too and at first I thought was of a captive on a slave ship and it made me sad but when I looked closer(when I put my reading glasses on) realized it was a fisherman on a fishing boat  and I felt better.

The 17 YR old also had a birthday and so now she’s 18; an official adult, and I just love the Caribbean so muchbelong here; I’m an Island Girl born in the wrong country, and I don’t know what the poor Cubans will think later once Americans will be allowed in; they’re easily the most loudest, most obnoxious tourists, and in all my travels I can always spot the Americans in the group! I also enjoyed my last sunset at the beach as well and there was a guy swimming naked!  I had to look twice to make sure that I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing,and then I just laughed and looked away; too bad he wasn’t hot though( he was old) but I have seen lots of hot guys here; not that it matters though when every other woman’s thinner and prettier than I am; how can I ever possibly compete with that? Sometimes I really do wonder if maybe I really am just too ugly to deserve love and happiness?

It’s so beautiful here as well I can see how Hemingway was inspired to write 2 of his novels here, it’s a tropical paradise,  and you can tell who’s just recently arrived,too, as they’re either pasty white or all sunburned red, or who’s been here awhile as they’re all nice and brown! Interesting I also noticed is that here I’m not run-down exhausted , wiped-out and drained like I always am at home, so is it perhaps because maybe I’m not being poisoned here, away from my family, or maybe it’s the sun and warm weather that lifts my spirits, or maybe just that I’m away from them and removed from that toxic environment that destroys me and kills my spirit, or maybe it’s just that I’m relaxed and stress-free and can unwind and in my Happy Place it’s just therapeutic and healing and I just generally feel better, have more energy, have higher spirits, and am just healthier here overall in mind, body,and spirit.

SWF.

Screen Shot 04-10-17 at 02.37 PM SWF: soft warm fur. Sun-kissed. The girls and I just absolutely love Buddy’s warm fur from the sun and he loves basking in the sun just like I do; we’re sun buddies! Laying in the sun relaxes him too and puts him in a better mood as well and he’s less “snappy” and more agreeable to letting the kids “maul” him after a nice sunbath.(Just so you know, he’s never been snappy, growled at, or bitten me, because I’m nice to him and he loves me) If you look closely you might be able to see his painted nails,too, courtesy of the 15 YR old. I told her it was gay because he’s a boy (and he doesn’t like it) but she didn’t care. Poor dog. He must be so embarrassed to go out in public like that. He does have some dignity, you know.

I also was up to see the sunrise yesterday as I took Buddy for his morning walk and it was really pretty and we went to the 13 YR old’s weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic and this time I brought my iPod to listen to music on the HR drive there and back to help pass the time faster and my hubby sniffed, Good, now I won’t have to listen to you yapping! but I don’t have to listen to you,either, asshole, or your redneck crap on the radio which he did have on both ways, and on the way home we got gas at the Mohawk reserve as it’s cheaper not having to pay tax,and stopped off at Sephora as the 13 YR old had to exchange a birthday gift she got someone as it was the wrong colour and I tried on a purple lipstick there and her and my hubby gasped, what did you do to your lips?  and she also wouldn’t let me go anywhere near her in the store,either; I had to pretend I was alone and didn’t know her and when her and my hubby were walking in the mall they were always so many steps ahead of me too and I was trailing along behind..that’s just so symbolic of how my family treats me, how they make me feel, and my place in my family.

The 13 YR old continues to make progress and do well, but as we left the parking lot and tried to cross the street to the hospital she suddenly felt like she was going to barf and pass out and she sat down right there in the middle of the sidewalk so my hubby ran across the street and got her a wheelchair but her BP and heart rate were ok, so maybe she’s just coming down with something, some sort of virus, as someone’s usually sick over Easter, and they increased her anxiety meds(which also help her sleep better) and said she needs more structure and routine, such as for meal-times and bed, whereas we’ve always been more “free”, flexible, let the kids come and go and make their own schedules, more of a free-range parenting style without much structure, rules, or routine.

Both the nurse-practitioner and social worker really loved my new hair as well and they said it was edgy and alternative and gushed how much they loved it so I guess they really did, otherwise they didn’t have to say anything, and they probably all wonder too how my hubby and I ever got together, with me being funky and him such a nerd, with such dissimilar tastes and nothing in common,and I do,too, and when we got home I was really tired as the app’t’s and long drives are exhausting on me both mentally and physically so I had a nap and the 13 YR old goes, why are you napping? and I told her because I’m tired and she says you shouldn’t do weed!…..except I didn’t…..I was just tired.… I can be tired for other reasons,too, not just when I drift off after I’ve used weed!

Pussy Willows.

Screen Shot 04-09-17 at 08.07 PM I saw buds on a tree and it reminded me of pussy willows. I have always loved pussy willows, ever since I was a kid. I can remember always having them around the house when I was growing up, in a vase, and I remember carrying a bundle of them home from the florist or the grocer, or wherever we got them from, and how they were always a big part of my childhood and I have such fond memories of them and even now when I see them I think of happy childhood memories and it makes me nostalgic. Spring is the time for pussy willows and I’m hoping if I have the chance somehow that I can find some somewhere and put them in a vase in the house , perhaps on the piano or the dining room table, or maybe on the coffee table in the living room or even in my room….they bring me back to my childhood, to happier times…

As well, it was a glorious 20 C yesterday and I spent 6 HRS outside and I laid out in the sun to start on my tan and now my face is really red, I look like a lobster it’s so sunburned, and I also dyed my buzz-cut a platinum blonde, punk-rock style, like Billy Idol! I love it, but no one even noticed, or at least they never said anything, but at least they didn’t say anything insulting or mean either though,and I’d rather they say nothing at all than to be mean like they usually are. I also lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks and without even trying, and it averages out to 5 pounds a week, and even losing 30 pounds I’m still fat just not as fat, and I wonder if maybe I might even have some sort of cancer or something to explain this unexplained weight loss, but whatever it is I needed it and I’m grateful for it!

I also had to fill out 3 medical forms online that were e-mailed to me to re-new my medical marijuana license only I had no idea how to do it on the computer(I’m old-school; I fill out forms and mail them back), esp. as they also required my signature and my hubby was always too busy to help me and the kids refused to help me and just taunted and ridiculed me and jeered, Is it for your drugs? We don’t condone drug use! and figure it out yourself! etc. being little assholes not helping me and several days went by and I have to get them filled in and sent off and then finally my hubby was able to help me; there’s no way I could have ever figured all that out on my own, it was so complicated and I’m no good at all that technical stuff, and I struggle with everything,and basically life is hard when you’re stupid.

Every time I look at Buddy I am overcome with love and gratitude as well and I can’t believe I’m so lucky to have him and he’s like an angel sent from Heaven, and when God sent him to me He sent me my best friend, someone to love me and for me to love, and brought joy, happiness,and light in my life,and nothing and no one makes me as happy as he does. #ILoveMyDog

This Is Me.

IScreen Shot 03-21-17 at 06.44 PM I did  it! I shaved my head again back to my old buzz-cut style that I miss and I’m glad I did it,too. I love my buzz-cut! I find it very liberating with no hair,and it’s also funky, different, off-beat, and my own signature style. I don’t care if anyone else likes it or not; I did it for me,and (so far,anyway) no one in my family has said anything (if they don’t like it they’re oddly keeping their comments to themselves) but I’m prepared if they do to politely respond with a curt, then it’s a good thing I didn’t do it for you! This style embodies best my style and my free-spirit style, it best reflects my personality, my vibe, my mojo, my individuality, my essence, my being-ness, my rebellious streak, my Up Yours! at society’s idea of what feminine beauty has to be…..it is my statement.

This is me.

 

Screen Shot 03-21-17 at 09.03 AM I don’t care if other people think it’s masculine, shocking, minimalist, “butch”, androgenous, gross, ugly, manly, trans, dyke, skinhead, radical, extreme, weird, unfeminine, unflattering, etc….(Patti said that she likes me better with hair,too, and I told her, I’m still me either way.) Love me as I am or keep walking. This is the real  me, the raw me, the natural me. I will not hide or apologize for who I am .

This is me.

Screen Shot 03-20-17 at 07.29 PM 002Also: THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE HIGH ON WEED:

  • try to unwrap a Starburst
  •  Make a taco
  •  Order anything online
  •  Try to Printscreen anything

As well, I heard this god-awful noise coming from my mother’s room when she was sleeping but it wasn’t her usual snoring, it was quite indescribable and fear and panic shot thru me as I honest-to-God thought it might have been the death-rattle and that she was dying right there in the room next to me so I went over to check and she could sense me standing there looking at her and she woke up and goes, whaaat??? and the 17 YR old ordered this really pretty gown to go to her BFF’s graduation as well and it’s custom made to her measurements and the dressmaker’s making it just for her! My hubby complained at the price but it was actually a really good price (he just has no idea what those kind of things cost!) and she has $$$$$; she has a job,and besides, she’s young, let her enjoy herself!

Jesus.

Screen Shot 03-19-17 at 03.54 PM My mother said she had a dream that Jesus came back! She said we were all in this underground bunker thing, as if it were the Apocalypse or something and there was this hole in the ceiling and she saw a nun get sucked up into it….and then Jesus came back, coming down thru that exact same hole! Interesting, and I wonder if it actually means anything or symbolizes anything, such as His return is imminent, or perhaps that He’s coming for someone; that someone in our family is going to die soon,perhaps her, or maybe even me, like I’ve always felt it’s soon, esp.. with the way I’ve been so fatigued, run-down wiped-out, feeling faint, and like all energy and life is just being drained out of me for the past few months….I picture dying and going to Heaven like feeling the warm sun on your face,too, esp. after coming out of a long, cold winter and then starting to see hopeful signs of spring ahead and then you know things are looking up and are going to get better and soon life will be brighter….

As well, the 13 YR old heard my reggae music and she scowled, What’s with that weird Jamaican crap? and I replied, “What do you have against Jamaica?”  and then she goes, why do you sound so offended? and I’m bored with my hair lately too and think it looks like crap and I want a change, and I miss my buzz-cut and am thinking of shaving it again.It’s also the ultimate in easy-care, I-don’t-give-a-shit hair and saves $$$ on hair dye and styling products…and no more hat-hair or bed-head!I know I’ll never be pretty but I can always be unique.know my family will give me grief over it, insult it, say how “ugly” and “gross” it looks, etc. just like they always do, but they always criticize, hate, and mock everything I do or like anyway, and I’m still always ugly no matter what I do, too, so I might as well just do what I like and what makes me happy, and besides, I’m not doing it for them,anyway, nor do I need their “permission.”.Ignore the haters.  I just have to be sure it’s what I want because it takes 2-3 months to grow it back!