Shit On A Stick.

Screen Shot 06-15-17 at 04.36 PM I went to the doctor’s and had my BP checked. It was the nurse that did it,actually; I never even saw the doctor himself. She had the BP cuff attached on for several minutes and it automatically squeezed on and off, constricting like a huge snake, cutting off my circulation and making my arm go numb, taking readings and everything’s good, all in the normal range, as to be expected since I’ve been on the meds for my high BP for 5 YRS or so now so I’d hope they’d be working!At it’s highest my BP had been 175/150! I also got a colon cancer screening test kit and she explained to me how it works and the mystery about how I get the shit sample has been solved at last!

There’s a cardboard-like thing( seen in the photo here) with 3 separate flaps on it and you don’t actually send an entire turd off to be tested, but just a smear, a fudge smudge basically, it’s pretty much shit on a stick. The kit also comes with 3 wooden “popsicle” style sticks to scrape the shit off with(ewww!) and then you put the tiny samples on the paper, 3 separate days’ worth and then seal it up and put it in the provided envelope along with the requisition form the doctor already filled out and mail it off to the lab and in 1-2 weeks the doctor gets the results. They’re basically looking for blood in the shit, which is often an indicator of colon cancer, and if it shows up I’ll get a call and go in for further testing such as a colonoscopy, which is basically like having a garden hose with a tiny camera on it shoved up my ass. I had a similar thing done at the other end 3 times ; an endoscopy, for my stomach ulcers, where the tube went down my throat and into my stomach. Most of my shits are diarrhrea though so I hope that won’t be a problem in getting a sample, that it won’t be too “runny” to stick to the paper  or to be tested. This is just so gross…..

I also got more cannabis oil, which arrived just the next day after I ordered it online, and the 15 YR old, 14 YR old and myself were in the livingroom, them playing a video game and me listening to my music, when out of nowhere the 14 YR old said to me, Your hair’s so  gross! ( my buzz-cut) which I thought was sort of mean and uncalled for, so I replied, At least I wash mine! ( in reference to her hair always being so dirty, greasy and unwashed) and then she got all offended and snippy and said that I’m “rude” when she started it and insulted me first. She can dish it out but she can’t take it, typical bully reaction, and I’m really tired of always being insulted, bullied, put down, and generally just mistreated, disrespected, and treated like shit, and I’m not going to take it anymore, and whenever anyone insults me, is mean to me, puts me down, or degrades or belittles me in any way I just give it right back to them. I stand up for myself and don’t let them push me around. If they’re going to be such assholes then I’m going to call them out on it! F*ck ’em!!

Cuba, Part Seven.

Screen Shot 05-31-17 at 08.42 AM 001

I have abdomenal cramps now as well as The Shits, and due to my hair someone else thought I was a dude,too, and I can imagine people wondering about me, what my story is, the Mysterious Bald Lady, all alone, always keeping to myself, wearing my sunglasses, always looking down or away, never making eye contact, like a lone hippo separate from the herd, thinking, What’s her story?  They probably think I’m coming off  of a divorce, or I’m grieving or something, when really it’s recovery following another suicide attempt…I also saw Cuban bikers at the bar and at the tables in the bar(that’s where I have to go to get my drinks; my cola,lemonade, and orange, mango, pineapple,or pina colada slushies and drinks) they have artificial sunflowers in vases and it felt like it was a special “sign” just for me, and there’s this painting on the wall in my room too and at first I thought was of a captive on a slave ship and it made me sad but when I looked closer(when I put my reading glasses on) realized it was a fisherman on a fishing boat  and I felt better.

The 17 YR old also had a birthday and so now she’s 18; an official adult, and I just love the Caribbean so muchbelong here; I’m an Island Girl born in the wrong country, and I don’t know what the poor Cubans will think later once Americans will be allowed in; they’re easily the most loudest, most obnoxious tourists, and in all my travels I can always spot the Americans in the group! I also enjoyed my last sunset at the beach as well and there was a guy swimming naked!  I had to look twice to make sure that I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing,and then I just laughed and looked away; too bad he wasn’t hot though( he was old) but I have seen lots of hot guys here; not that it matters though when every other woman’s thinner and prettier than I am; how can I ever possibly compete with that? Sometimes I really do wonder if maybe I really am just too ugly to deserve love and happiness?

It’s so beautiful here as well I can see how Hemingway was inspired to write 2 of his novels here, it’s a tropical paradise,  and you can tell who’s just recently arrived,too, as they’re either pasty white or all sunburned red, or who’s been here awhile as they’re all nice and brown! Interesting I also noticed is that here I’m not run-down exhausted , wiped-out and drained like I always am at home, so is it perhaps because maybe I’m not being poisoned here, away from my family, or maybe it’s the sun and warm weather that lifts my spirits, or maybe just that I’m away from them and removed from that toxic environment that destroys me and kills my spirit, or maybe it’s just that I’m relaxed and stress-free and can unwind and in my Happy Place it’s just therapeutic and healing and I just generally feel better, have more energy, have higher spirits, and am just healthier here overall in mind, body,and spirit.

SWF.

Screen Shot 04-10-17 at 02.37 PM SWF: soft warm fur. Sun-kissed. The girls and I just absolutely love Buddy’s warm fur from the sun and he loves basking in the sun just like I do; we’re sun buddies! Laying in the sun relaxes him too and puts him in a better mood as well and he’s less “snappy” and more agreeable to letting the kids “maul” him after a nice sunbath.(Just so you know, he’s never been snappy, growled at, or bitten me, because I’m nice to him and he loves me) If you look closely you might be able to see his painted nails,too, courtesy of the 15 YR old. I told her it was gay because he’s a boy (and he doesn’t like it) but she didn’t care. Poor dog. He must be so embarrassed to go out in public like that. He does have some dignity, you know.

I also was up to see the sunrise yesterday as I took Buddy for his morning walk and it was really pretty and we went to the 13 YR old’s weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic and this time I brought my iPod to listen to music on the HR drive there and back to help pass the time faster and my hubby sniffed, Good, now I won’t have to listen to you yapping! but I don’t have to listen to you,either, asshole, or your redneck crap on the radio which he did have on both ways, and on the way home we got gas at the Mohawk reserve as it’s cheaper not having to pay tax,and stopped off at Sephora as the 13 YR old had to exchange a birthday gift she got someone as it was the wrong colour and I tried on a purple lipstick there and her and my hubby gasped, what did you do to your lips?  and she also wouldn’t let me go anywhere near her in the store,either; I had to pretend I was alone and didn’t know her and when her and my hubby were walking in the mall they were always so many steps ahead of me too and I was trailing along behind..that’s just so symbolic of how my family treats me, how they make me feel, and my place in my family.

The 13 YR old continues to make progress and do well, but as we left the parking lot and tried to cross the street to the hospital she suddenly felt like she was going to barf and pass out and she sat down right there in the middle of the sidewalk so my hubby ran across the street and got her a wheelchair but her BP and heart rate were ok, so maybe she’s just coming down with something, some sort of virus, as someone’s usually sick over Easter, and they increased her anxiety meds(which also help her sleep better) and said she needs more structure and routine, such as for meal-times and bed, whereas we’ve always been more “free”, flexible, let the kids come and go and make their own schedules, more of a free-range parenting style without much structure, rules, or routine.

Both the nurse-practitioner and social worker really loved my new hair as well and they said it was edgy and alternative and gushed how much they loved it so I guess they really did, otherwise they didn’t have to say anything, and they probably all wonder too how my hubby and I ever got together, with me being funky and him such a nerd, with such dissimilar tastes and nothing in common,and I do,too, and when we got home I was really tired as the app’t’s and long drives are exhausting on me both mentally and physically so I had a nap and the 13 YR old goes, why are you napping? and I told her because I’m tired and she says you shouldn’t do weed!…..except I didn’t…..I was just tired.… I can be tired for other reasons,too, not just when I drift off after I’ve used weed!

Pussy Willows.

Screen Shot 04-09-17 at 08.07 PM I saw buds on a tree and it reminded me of pussy willows. I have always loved pussy willows, ever since I was a kid. I can remember always having them around the house when I was growing up, in a vase, and I remember carrying a bundle of them home from the florist or the grocer, or wherever we got them from, and how they were always a big part of my childhood and I have such fond memories of them and even now when I see them I think of happy childhood memories and it makes me nostalgic. Spring is the time for pussy willows and I’m hoping if I have the chance somehow that I can find some somewhere and put them in a vase in the house , perhaps on the piano or the dining room table, or maybe on the coffee table in the living room or even in my room….they bring me back to my childhood, to happier times…

As well, it was a glorious 20 C yesterday and I spent 6 HRS outside and I laid out in the sun to start on my tan and now my face is really red, I look like a lobster it’s so sunburned, and I also dyed my buzz-cut a platinum blonde, punk-rock style, like Billy Idol! I love it, but no one even noticed, or at least they never said anything, but at least they didn’t say anything insulting or mean either though,and I’d rather they say nothing at all than to be mean like they usually are. I also lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks and without even trying, and it averages out to 5 pounds a week, and even losing 30 pounds I’m still fat just not as fat, and I wonder if maybe I might even have some sort of cancer or something to explain this unexplained weight loss, but whatever it is I needed it and I’m grateful for it!

I also had to fill out 3 medical forms online that were e-mailed to me to re-new my medical marijuana license only I had no idea how to do it on the computer(I’m old-school; I fill out forms and mail them back), esp. as they also required my signature and my hubby was always too busy to help me and the kids refused to help me and just taunted and ridiculed me and jeered, Is it for your drugs? We don’t condone drug use! and figure it out yourself! etc. being little assholes not helping me and several days went by and I have to get them filled in and sent off and then finally my hubby was able to help me; there’s no way I could have ever figured all that out on my own, it was so complicated and I’m no good at all that technical stuff, and I struggle with everything,and basically life is hard when you’re stupid.

Every time I look at Buddy I am overcome with love and gratitude as well and I can’t believe I’m so lucky to have him and he’s like an angel sent from Heaven, and when God sent him to me He sent me my best friend, someone to love me and for me to love, and brought joy, happiness,and light in my life,and nothing and no one makes me as happy as he does. #ILoveMyDog

This Is Me.

IScreen Shot 03-21-17 at 06.44 PM I did  it! I shaved my head again back to my old buzz-cut style that I miss and I’m glad I did it,too. I love my buzz-cut! I find it very liberating with no hair,and it’s also funky, different, off-beat, and my own signature style. I don’t care if anyone else likes it or not; I did it for me,and (so far,anyway) no one in my family has said anything (if they don’t like it they’re oddly keeping their comments to themselves) but I’m prepared if they do to politely respond with a curt, then it’s a good thing I didn’t do it for you! This style embodies best my style and my free-spirit style, it best reflects my personality, my vibe, my mojo, my individuality, my essence, my being-ness, my rebellious streak, my Up Yours! at society’s idea of what feminine beauty has to be…..it is my statement.

This is me.

 

Screen Shot 03-21-17 at 09.03 AM I don’t care if other people think it’s masculine, shocking, minimalist, “butch”, androgenous, gross, ugly, manly, trans, dyke, skinhead, radical, extreme, weird, unfeminine, unflattering, etc….(Patti said that she likes me better with hair,too, and I told her, I’m still me either way.) Love me as I am or keep walking. This is the real  me, the raw me, the natural me. I will not hide or apologize for who I am .

This is me.

Screen Shot 03-20-17 at 07.29 PM 002Also: THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE HIGH ON WEED:

  • try to unwrap a Starburst
  •  Make a taco
  •  Order anything online
  •  Try to Printscreen anything

As well, I heard this god-awful noise coming from my mother’s room when she was sleeping but it wasn’t her usual snoring, it was quite indescribable and fear and panic shot thru me as I honest-to-God thought it might have been the death-rattle and that she was dying right there in the room next to me so I went over to check and she could sense me standing there looking at her and she woke up and goes, whaaat??? and the 17 YR old ordered this really pretty gown to go to her BFF’s graduation as well and it’s custom made to her measurements and the dressmaker’s making it just for her! My hubby complained at the price but it was actually a really good price (he just has no idea what those kind of things cost!) and she has $$$$$; she has a job,and besides, she’s young, let her enjoy herself!

Jesus.

Screen Shot 03-19-17 at 03.54 PM My mother said she had a dream that Jesus came back! She said we were all in this underground bunker thing, as if it were the Apocalypse or something and there was this hole in the ceiling and she saw a nun get sucked up into it….and then Jesus came back, coming down thru that exact same hole! Interesting, and I wonder if it actually means anything or symbolizes anything, such as His return is imminent, or perhaps that He’s coming for someone; that someone in our family is going to die soon,perhaps her, or maybe even me, like I’ve always felt it’s soon, esp.. with the way I’ve been so fatigued, run-down wiped-out, feeling faint, and like all energy and life is just being drained out of me for the past few months….I picture dying and going to Heaven like feeling the warm sun on your face,too, esp. after coming out of a long, cold winter and then starting to see hopeful signs of spring ahead and then you know things are looking up and are going to get better and soon life will be brighter….

As well, the 13 YR old heard my reggae music and she scowled, What’s with that weird Jamaican crap? and I replied, “What do you have against Jamaica?”  and then she goes, why do you sound so offended? and I’m bored with my hair lately too and think it looks like crap and I want a change, and I miss my buzz-cut and am thinking of shaving it again.It’s also the ultimate in easy-care, I-don’t-give-a-shit hair and saves $$$ on hair dye and styling products…and no more hat-hair or bed-head!I know I’ll never be pretty but I can always be unique.know my family will give me grief over it, insult it, say how “ugly” and “gross” it looks, etc. just like they always do, but they always criticize, hate, and mock everything I do or like anyway, and I’m still always ugly no matter what I do, too, so I might as well just do what I like and what makes me happy, and besides, I’m not doing it for them,anyway, nor do I need their “permission.”.Ignore the haters.  I just have to be sure it’s what I want because it takes 2-3 months to grow it back!

If I Were A Heroine In A Romance Novel…

Screen Shot 09-09-16 at 04.43 PM.PNG “The beautiful bald girl  silently emerged from under the tree and walked slowly into the sunlight, it radiated off her tan skin and illuminated her, still wet from the rain, with droplets of rain running down her face and arms, and soaking thru her shirt. She was a vision to behold, and to him she appeared as a goddess, she was stunning and he was captivated by her unusual and rare exotic beauty for he had never seen a creature so fascinating. She was a wonder to behold, and he was spellbound by her, intoxicated and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. The sun glistened on her still wet skin and she was  glorious, breath-taking, as the sun  brightly shone all around her, rays of sunlight beaming off her, as if she were an evening star.

He got closer and when her eyes met his they both just knew. He gathered her into his muscular arms and drew her close, his heart beating wildly as she fell into his arms, as he kissed her hard on the mouth, her warm breath and feeling her body rise making him even more excited. He had never felt like this before and he was enthralled and intrigued. He kissed her deeply and passionately as it begun to rain again and they melted into eachother’s arms, and they pressed their bodies close and began to slow dance in the rain, laughing, and at that moment he knew that this was the girl he was going to  marry….”

I love my Buzz-cut!!