The Black Walnut Tree.

Screen Shot 08-16-17 at 08.08 PM This is the story of the black walnut tree. It’s just a little baby black walnut tree and it’s in our backyard. It’s only about 2-3 years old but I noticed that this summer it’s really getting so much bigger all of a sudden.  Now it’s almost as tall as our three storey house! It wasn’t there originally though, and we never planted it, so what I’m pretty sure happened is that one fall a squirrel must have buried a nut in the ground and forgot about it or got killed and never came back for it or whatever, and the conditions were right in the soil and it took and started to grow…and over time it just got bigger….and bigger….and bigger….

I think it’s kind of neat to watch this tree grow and progress right from the beginning, from a little tiny sapling,and in time it will bear fruit ( usually at age 4-6 years old) and will bloom and blossom into this massive gigantic tree but I don’t think I’ll ever get to see it though as I’ve always thought I’d die by 50 (and I’m just 50 this year so it’ll likely be sometime within the next few months) and even if not they’re talking about moving in the next year or two anyway, so I probably won’t get the chance to be able to see it grow into maturity. A similar experience I had before was with the peach tree we had at our first Ottawa house; the owner’s daughter had planted it and the year we moved out was the first time it bore fruit. Of course. (and our apple tree at our last Ottawa house was  knocked over and died in an ice storm the first year it bore fruit,too!)

I also saw a blog I read they put their house up for sale for a million 695, 000, and that’s American so it would probably be something like 3 million $$$ in our money with the exchange, and I heard on the news too the price for an average detached 3 bedroom house in Toronto now is over a million $$$(and they may not necessarily even have a garage or even a driveway) and you have to earn on average 200 000$ a year to be able to afford it, with an average cost of close to 5000$ a month between mortgage payments and utilities! Holy shit! Buddy and I were out the front as well and saw an argument at the Drug Den at the corner; 3 thuggish-looking young guys came running out with this really fat shirtless guy running out after them, his belly jiggling, reminding me of Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers  movies, yelling, Get outta here! and they’d keep stopping and looking back behind them,and I was worried someone would start beating up on someone or even pull out a gun or something…..maybe they ripped the drug dealer off and stole it or something, who knows….I wouldn’t be surprised if in the middle of the night there’s a drive-by shooting at his house, or a Molotov thrown thru his window, an explosion, or his house torched or something…my mother also actually saw an actual transaction the other day,too; she saw someone handing something over, exchanging something for $$$$$.

The 18 YR old’s also back from Cadets camp now and she has Strep throat,too, and she works for a couple of weeks and then she’s off to Ottawa for school, and now asshole Trump is upset that Confederate flags and statues are being taken down, saying You can’t change history,and you can’t, but you also don’t have to memorialize and commemmorate a period in history associated with hate, bigotry, discrimination, slavery, oppression, and racism, either, it would be the same as flying the Nazi flag with the swastika on it, or having a statue of Hitler; not something in history that you want to honour and glorify! I also stand up for Muslims and North Korea because no one else will and I was that kid in school that was always bullied and no one stood up for me so now I’m going to be that person.

I also wonder too if the upcoming solar eclipse might be a portent of some sort, a harbinger, of a prophecy, perhaps, such as Jesus’ return, or maybe of the Apocalypse, Judgement Day, The Tribulation, WWIII….who knows? It’s odd as well how the area it hits most seems to cut the USA right in half, along a division, and I don’t know if that’s symbolic or not, and it was 100 years ago since we had the last one like this, and it was almost 100 years ago since WWI ended…it just makes me wonder…it seems kind of eerie…. there’s also this upcoming boxing match I keep hearing about and I have no idea who it is as I don’t follow that stuff but apparantly it’s some long-time champion VS an under-dog so I automatically am rooting for the under-dog because that’s me; I’ve always been the under-dog, and because no one ever roots for the under-dog so whoever he is, I hope that he wins.

Glory Days.

Screen Shot 08-17-17 at 08.43 AM I have the 80’s Bruce Springsteen song Glory Days on my iPod. I have quite a few of his actually; I’ve always been a fan of The Boss. The song tells about the time in people’s lives when they were at their “peak”, when they were beautiful, popular, at their best, at the top of their game, a time you look back on fondly with happy nostalgic memories. My glory days would have to be when I was 20 and 21 years old, those 2 years I was at the YMCA group in Ottawa. It was the first, and only, time I ever felt like I fit in and belonged, and where I came out of my shell and blossomed, where I made friends and even dare say I was ……popular. I liked everyone there and they all liked me. For once I was accepted and liked for me, and I even ended up on the planning committee where I would plan and organize events for the group.

Everyone in the YMCA group had some issue or other, be it mental, emotional, or social,and every single one of us shared similar experiences of being bullied in school and of being different, we were all outcasts but at the group we accepted one another and all got along. We could be ourselves and no one cared. I made so many great friends there and they were so wonderful, the best people ever and that was 2 of the best years of my life. There was no one there that I didn’t like. It was a time where I was outgoing, happy, I laughed, I smiled, I had fun, I was involved and included, it was all before the worst of the traumas came along and broke me. I was so different  then. I was happy with myself and with life. I had friends that cared about me. I was part of something, of a community. I belonged. I had finally found My People.

I was so sad when the group shut down.It originally had something like 40 people and eventually dwindled down to less than 10. I still kept in touch with my friends but it was sad as I looked forward to the weekly outings and the activities were always the highlight of my week and we always had so much fun. We would go to different venues, such as restaurants, bowling, horseback riding, swimming, camping, dances, etc. I was really happy then and I saw a side of myself that I didn’t even know existed. Those were my Glory Days. All I got was 2 years but it was 2 of the best years of my life. I was so happy, so social, so outgoing, so glorious. I’m so grateful for it.

The Laneway.

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 03.13 PM 001

This is a laneway next to the hospital parking lot and everytime I see it, it reminds me of my childhood growing up in Toronto because there are alot of laneways and alleyways in Toronto.  They are common things in big cities and I remember them well. I remember playing in them when I was a kid, I remember never going there at night or in the dark, because bad things come out at night, like the gangs, the pimps, the hookers, the drug dealers, etc. but during the day time laneways are places of great fun and adventure for a kid. You can ride your bike or skateboard down them, it’s a great place to play Hide And Seek, to run around, to play Tag, even badminton, although it always keeps getting interrupted every time a car could come thru.Sometimes you could even find some interesting things there as well…. Every time I see a laneway now it takes me back to my childhood and brings back so many happy memories. It reminds me of my happy childhood in the city and I miss it so much. I miss those days. I miss my childhood. I miss being happy. I miss the city. I miss living in the city. I miss the action , noise,and bustle of the city. I miss the diversity. I miss the culture.I miss the shopping. I miss laneways.

As well,the 22 YR old got his purple belt in jiu-jitsu, which he says is pretty close to a black belt in karate by the time it takes to earn it, so it’s like an eqivalent, and now he’s qualified to open up his own dojo. He’s been doing it for years, and now just brown and black belts left to go which will still take a few more years, and I thought I heard the 18 YR yesterday too but figured I was probably just hallucinating as I’d had weed….but it turned out it really was her; she’d come for a quick visit, and she’s home from camp for good on Friday, and she said alot of her friends think my hubby’s in the Mafia too having a large family and supporting them on one salary. Now that’s a hilarious thought….him in the Mafia? I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard. He’s such a weenie!

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 06.32 PM I also saw this picture the other day in an article about Down Syndrome and this girl looks exactly like Arabella, the girl I see in my dreams!! It just blew me away and I still wonder who she is and why she often shows up in my dreams, a future grandchild, perhaps, or perhaps one of my own 6 babies that I miscarried? I got the impression it was a very close relationship, like she was my daughter or something, or if not, at least a relative of some kind….. My mother said as well that No one gets married anymore but that’s not true, and, in fact, several of the oldest two kids’ former teen friends and friends from university are married now, and some even have kids, and even one of the 21 YR old’s former childhood friends got married last year,too, so I’m just not seeing it. My theory is this: the way I see it is if people are just living together and not getting married then they don’t want to commit and they’re not sure and this way they always have a “back-up” plan, an escape, in case someone “better”  comes along they have a way out, but if you love someone then you’d have no doubt and wouldn’t hesitate to get married. When you really love someone you just know, and what I want for my kids in life is to find love and happiness and to never settle or sell themselves short.

Buddy hadn’t been eating his food for awhile either and “told” me that he was tired of it so I tried a new kind…..and he gobbled it right up, so I was right, so now I just switched him over to the new brand, and it costs more but if it makes him happy it’s worth it, plus if he wasn’t eating the other one and it was just getting thrown out it’s a waste of $$$$ and he’s not getting anything to eat,either. The second-oldest is also in Mexico, I think visiting a friend who lives there and who just recently got married there, and my hubby apparantly didn’t have time to pick up my pills at the pharmacy ( and he has to do it because he’s the one with the insurance coverage from his employer and has to show the card) even though I’m running low and am almost out…..but he still did have the time to pick up the 18 YR old from camp for a visit and to take the 10 YR old to his activity…..just doesn’t have the time and can’t be bothered if it’s just something for me. I’m the lowest on the totem pole.

Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty.

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 07.54 AM Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty. That’s me! It was my alter ego I invented when I was a kid. She was a grown-up version of me and she was beautiful, strong, brave, confident,independent, courageous, lived in a castle and was married to a handsome prince, you know, the typical little girl fantasy. I don’t know where I got the Peacock Dynasty part from, I guess it just fell out of my imagination, maybe because peacocks are so pretty, perhaps? I would go into my head and become this character whenever I was sad or lonely, or when I felt afraid, self-conscious, vulnerable, bullied, etc. as it gave me the inner strength, afterall I was the Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty, I could do anything and I was strong and brave and fearless and nothing could stop me  and I was destined for great things. I was no ordinary kid. I was special. I was chosen. I was different than everyone else. I was a princess. Even sometimes now I still need to remind myself that I am Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty. I still need that reminder, that ego boost, to get thru. It makes me laugh to think about it now, but who knows… might just still work. In any case, it will lighten my mood when the days are dark.

As well, at the clinic yesterday the NP said it was a good call putting the 14 YR old on the Prozac, which was my idea all along, right from the beginning,and I had to practically twist their arm to finally get done, but she said she can see the difference it’s making too and it was a good idea to get her on it( yes, I know, and I’m just glad she’s starting to feel better) but she’s lost a bit of weight, likely due to all her physical activity lately( swimming, biking, walking) and she’s grown taller too so now her ideal weight has changed so now she’s 8 pounds underweight and we have to add stuff to her meals and increase her portions to get her weight up, since she had been gaining but now she’s more levelling off,and the therapist wasn’t there this week so no family therapy so I wasn’t stressed out and didn’t feel singled-out, ganged-up on, attacked, or blamed this week so I got a bit of a break! Yay!

I also saw some hollyhocks which I haven’t seen around in years and it brought back happy memories of my childhood, when I used to see them everywhere all the time, and I saw signs of fall already,too, even though it’s still the middle of August and summer’s not over yet: I saw a Monarch butterfly and some leaves turning orange! I’m feeling really sweaty again as well but I can’t tell if it’s just the hot weather or if it’s hot flashes with menopause,and whenever I ask if it’s anyone else or just me my mother always says it’s just me(even if it isn’t) because she’s too cheap and doesn’t want me to put the A/C on!!

I also think the guy across the street (who’s a highschool teacher) has hostages in his basement. He just seems to be this weird, solitary guy that keeps to himself and he lives all alone in that big brick house and never has any company and he never talks to anybody; he doesn’t even wave hi to any of the neighbours, and no one knows anything about him, and he’s super nerdy wearing a belt with suspenders and he’s balding and has glasses….just seems to be a really creepy guy and I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually did keep hostages down in his basement, you know, like on those CSI or Criminal Minds TV shows. It wouldn’t surprise me one day if police vans and the SWAT team swarm the place and arrest him and it’s all over the news how he’s kept people prisoner in his house all these years……either that or I watch too many crime shows on TV….  😀

The Top Bunk.

Screen Shot 08-11-17 at 07.55 PM I still remember laying awake in the top bunk. I was 17, it was the mid-1980’s and it was in August, at the end of summer. My mother and I had just moved back from L.A. as it didn’t work out, and we had nowhere to go for awhile so we were staying at my aunt and uncle’s house for awhile and I was staying in one of my cousins’s old rooms and he had one of those old-fashioned wooden bunk-beds from his childhood, and I still remember that night very clearly: I was laying on my back on the top bunk, the window was open, it was a cool summer night and I could hear the crickets and smell the wildflowers (we were out in the country) and I was looking out at the moon and contemplating my life and my future. I was praying to God, because I felt scared and uncertain. I was uprooted and felt all alone and disillusioned.Where was my life headed?

As I gazed out the window, up at the sky, I felt so uncertain about my life and my future. Our entire dream (of starting over and having a new life in L.A) had just been shattered and here we were, having to start all over again. I had to start a new school in a couple of weeks, my final year of highschool, where I didn’t know anybody and I was The New Kid, and in a small town no less where everyone grew up together and has known one another for their entire lives. No easy task. I wondered how I would survive it, and if the guy I loved and hoped to marry loved me( nope…..of course not, and it turned out he was gay,too!) and I wondered about my future as an adult that night as well and I had so much hope, promise and dreams; that I would one day find love, romance, marriage, family, kids, happiness…..but it never did. Sure, I got married and had kids, but I never found love and having kids didn’t turn out to be the fulfilling experience I expected, and I had no idea all the traumas, hurt, struggles, misfortune,tragedies, heartache, etc. that I would have to endure as an adult….if only I knew. My life killed my hope and my dreams.

I was so optimistic then, so hopeful, I had such dreams, such hopes, such promise, I was happy, eager, and excited for the future but now there’s nothing.The innocence and exuberance of youth. There’s nothing left anymore. I have no purpose. I failed  at what I thought was my life’s ambition and purpose. I have nothing left to look forward to anymore. There’s no more hope. The future is gone. The dreams have died. I will always remember that night because it was one of the last times that I saw hope for my future, that I was excited for it, I thought my dreams can come true. It was before I gave up hope. Before life beat me down. Before there was nothing left anymore.Now the hope is gone. The dreams have died. There is no future.

Poor Buddy doesn’t feel well either; for the past couple of days he hasn’t eaten, and he feels warm when I touch him or pick him up, like he has a fever, and he has this gross mucus-y diarrhrea and he’s just sort of laying around and when he does walk he’ll just toddle along slowly, and I hope maybe he just ate something that upset his stomach or something and that it’s nothing serious, and if he dies before me(and he is 11 YRS old so it concerns me although Dachshunds can live to be 17) I would die of a broken heart. He’s the only one who loves me and the only light in my life, my only joy, and if I lose him I’ll have no one and nothing to keep me going, and nothing to live for, and the 10 YR old and 16 YR old taunt me too saying he’s dying!! they’re always trying to break me. Assholes.

I also heard on the news a woman was killed by a hippo while on safari and for me that would be an honour to die that way, and if there is a war between North Korea and USA the ones who will really get massacred will likely be in South Korea, and most of my BFF’s family still lives in South Korea, too, her brother and sister and their families, as well as most of her aunts and uncles….they must be so worried and scared right now….shit…I can’t even imagine….I also had a dream that someone assassinated Trump in order to prevent WWIII, so that he wouldn’t start a war with North Korea and trigger another World War, like killing one person to save millions, sort of like that idea If you could go back in time and kill Hitler and prevent the war and save millions of lives, would you?

Ruined Sunflowers.

Screen Shot 08-11-17 at 11.56 AM 001 If someone were to ask you What kind of flowers are these? what would you say? They’re actually sunflowers  even though they’re not yellow! My mother picked them up when she was at the grocery store and they told her that they’ve been dyed orange and red and the leaves are purple! I was just speechless…..just ….horrified when I saw them, I mean, who the f*ck dyes flowers? I LIKE them yellow, the way they’re supposed to be, that’s what makes them look so bright, cheery, and happy! Dyeing them just ruins them! It would be like black people dyeing their skin white; they’re beautiful the way they are!


When I first saw them I didn’t even recognize them as sunflowers, it didn’t even register in my mind what I was seeing and thought they were some type of mums or something, and then when she told me it just made me sad. It’s a travesty. When I put them in water dye got all over my hands,too, pissing me off even more. What were they thinking, to ruin beautiful sunflowers like that and why would she think that I’d like them? So now her and my hubby are acting like I’m some sort of ingrate or something because I don’t like them, but it’s just not right; they don’t look like sunflowers and have been ruined. It’s just wrong. They’re beautiful the way they are. It’s an insult to sunflowers really, to do that to them. Defaced.

As well, I got the results from my colon cancer test and everything’s ok,and I went online and got my blood test results and that’s ok too except it showed slight kidney failure, just like last time, and I still have that headache as well, now 5 days in a row, that just won’t go away no matter what,and at times my ears ache with it,too, almost as if there’s pressure or something building up in my head, and I also noticed this big bulging vein on my forehead on the left temple when I lay down,too, and it wasn’t there before, so maybe something’s going to pop or something…..oh, well…..

The therapist also criticized how I prefer to do things(and go places) on my own rather than with my family (or anyone else) but I’m just a loner and I’ve always been like that, perhaps due to my Asperger’s, and maybe also because I grew up an Only Child and was always by myself, but I just prefer to be by myself than with other people, and I find it more peaceful and less stress, with no one to bug me, and even when my hubby and I went to Hawaii together we did our own separate things; I went off on my own and swam, surfed, kayaked, snorkelled, etc. and he did his own activities and we’d just meet up for dinner, and when I go to the “Ex” I go off on my own and meet up with them at the end of the day,and even in the Caribbean my mother would usually just stay on the ship and I’d go off on my own and wander around and I really enjoyed my solo trip to Cuba where I was alone the entire time. I just prefer to be by myself. What’s so wrong with that? I hurt in life  but I hurt less if it’s just me on my own. It also doesn’t help that my family pushes me away, making me want to be alone even more.


Long-Lasting Effects.

Rastaman Today I said something-or-other (I don’t even know what it was) that my hubby and the 16 YR old deemed to be stupid and they shook their heads in dismay at my stupidity(like they always do) and jeered about me, referring to my medical marijuana, It must be the long-lasting effects, insinuating that the cannabis I take for my migraines is  causing brain damage and making me even dumber, and like my hubby snarked before to me,  I can’t afford to lose any more brain cells, and they’re always putting me down like this and insulting my intelligence ( or lack of),but it did give me the idea for today’s blog post(so I guess they are good for something) and got me thinking, not that the marijuana has long-term lasting effects, but rather that they do, with their bullying, and demeaning, cruel mistreatment and ridiculing me.

Screen Shot 08-07-17 at 06.24 PM The way they treat me has long-lasting effects.Bullying always does.

Every time they say how stupid I am.

Every time they tell me how worthless  I am.

Every time they say that no one loves me.

Every time they call me names and then say I can’t take a joke, and don’t have a sense of humour.

Every time they make fun of my for my disibilities and limitations.

Every time they insult me, my looks, my weight,

bully me,

put me down,

demean, devalue, dismiss, berate, exclude,

and mock me

it leaves long-lasting effects.

When will they see the damage they cause and take responsibility for their part in it?

They hate me for what I am and for what I’ve become, due to how they treat me.

they should have known it leaves long-lasting effects.

The marijuana wears off but the scars of bullying leave long-lasting effects.