Lilacs.

FlowersMay2018 It’s now lilac season. I’ve always loved lilacs; they have the best scent ever. My fave are the purple ones, which are the most common although they do also come in pink and white.I remember when I was a kid my Babushka and my aunt used to have them in their backyards. So I went and picked some and filled up 5 vases thru the house to fill the entire place with the sweet glorious fragrance. Here in the photo I added some lilacs to a bouquet I already had. Unlike when I was a bold, brazen kid and I’d snatch them from anywhere, even off people’s properties(I even remember getting caught a few times, incl. one time where the homeowner physically grabbed me, restraining me and threatened to call the police but I broke free and took off), now(I have better ethics) I only take them from public areas, and these ones I got from a public area, along a pathway beside the waterfront.

As I was snapping them off( after years of practice I don’t even need clippers, I’ve become adept at just bending and pulling them off  just the right way with my bare hands) there was this bird that kept hovering overhead near me and kept squawking, likely it had a nest there it didn’t want me to disturb, and being by the water and looking out onto the bay reminded me of fond, happy memories of when I was a kid at the cottage too, at the beach , swimming in the lake and going on the motorboats. I’ve always loved the water.

SunflowersNew I also had to change my plans and revise my sunflower garden. I went to water the newly-planted seeds today and to my dismay I saw that the soil had all been overturned and dug up and the seeds were scattered along the top, cracked open and eaten by either the damn birds or squirrels so what I did instead is(luckily I still had another pack of seeds left!) I used the container seen in the photo above, which has 12 little compartments, and filled each one with soil and planted one seed in each and put it in the windowsill where we get sun, the idea being they can grow indoors and then once they become seedlings I can transplant them back outside once they’re bigger and stronger and no longer a seed that can be eaten.

My hubby was ripping into me again for muting the redneck sports on the news again even though it’s the one thing I just can’t stand and he hardly ever even watches the news anyway; that’s my thing, but he still thinks he takes priority and can just take over and what he wants over-rides and over-rules everything and everyone else, and I don’t care if he watches it; he can watch it all he wants on his own, just not when I’m in the room; I don’t want to see or hear it, so then him and my mother tell me to leave the room, even though I’m the one that’s actually watching the news and I was there first, and she hates it,too, and mutes it or leaves when it comes on, but when he’s around she still always takes his side and they always gang up against me, and then he says he’s not going to drive me to my medical app’ts or anywhere else, trying to threaten me, just because I mute it, even though driving family to app’ts and activities is still part of his responsibility to this family whether I mute sports or not, and he knows that(and redneck country music) is the one thing that really annoys me and I won’t tolerate in my presence, which is precisely why he makes such a big deal out of it; just to aggravate me and to try and threaten, control, and “punish” me. I long for the day when I never have to look at his pointy nose and his beady little eyes ever again….he’s such an asshole….. I just want to walk away and never look back.

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Sunflowers.

IMG_1380[1] Now it’s the long weekend in May and safe from frost traditionally I planted the sunflower seeds for my garden this year. I hope they work though and the birds don’t eat the seeds before they have a chance to grow. I have them poolside, leaning up against the fence. I’m looking forward to it so I hope they work, and I put an entire pack of seeds in, allowing for likely half to die so we’ll see how many flowers I end up with and if I die before they bloom in late summer then every time my family sees them they can remember me by my sunflower garden.Every time they see the sunflowers they can think of me.

We also had a BBQ and if today is my last day alive I had a good day; I planted sunflowers, I smelled lilacs; I spent it outside with the 11 YR old who was bouncing on the trampoline and when I took Buddy out for his walks the lilacs were out on the neighbours’ and I could smell their sweet fragrance every time I went by and I love the rhythm of the neighbourhood as I go on our walks too and don’t want to move. The girls tried to cut my hubby’s hair too only they forgot to put the clipper on the razor so now he has some bald patches(it’s really noticeable too but he can always wear a hat for a couple of weeks until it grows back in) and when I came home from church yesterday and got undressed I noticed I’d worn my blouse inside-out the entire time, but it was one of those gauze, flowy, embroidered “Peasant” blouses so it sort of looks the same way either way so hopefully no one even noticed…

Cupcakes The 16 YR old also baked these “sundae” cupcakes and most people thought they were too sweet but that’s the point. Buddy and I loved them. I also heard this song on my radio last night when I was in bed from The Who (one of my fave. bands) I recognized from when I was a kid and it brought back happy nostalgic memories and I wanted to get it for my iPod only I didn’t know the title and only remembered a few words from the lyrics this morning when I got up and they have literally hundreds of songs so it was really hard trying to find it and then the inspiration just suddenly popped into my head, Check under Pete Townshend…. as he was the main writer for most of their songs…..and sure enough, I found it! It was actually one of his  solo songs, and not from The Who as such, which was why I was having so much trouble finding it before as I was checking under the band name. The name of the song is Let My Love Open The Door, BTW, in case you were wondering.

I also see the gastro doc this week and he’ll have answers to my tests such as the scan to see if I do have blocked bile ducts or any other liver issues and if the genetic test came back positive for the liver enzyme that also affects the lungs so hopefully I’ll have some answers but I fear it’ll be the same as always; they’ll say that all the tests came back normal and still no explanation for my symptoms and pain…then the week after I see the cardiologist, the handsome Egyptian guy and I will be nervous and awkward for that app’t because he’s just so hot and I’ll be distracted and it’ll be hard for me to be able to concentrate on what he’s saying to me when all I can think about is how much I want to f*ck him and imagining kissing every inch of his glorious bronzed body….oh, my God…..

 

Liar, Liar.

PantsOnFire Remember that little rhyme from when we were kids: Liar, liar, pants on fire? That’s what was going thru my head today: last night I was looking out my bedroom window at 10 pm when I was up in bed as 2 police cars were across the street(and going from house to house with flashlights peeking in backyards) and some neighbours were loudly setting off fireworks( which made poor Buddy go ape-shit; he was shaking and scared and kept whimpering and hid under the bed) so I looked out my window to see what was going on(because I’m nosey like that) and I also happened to see at the same time the 16 YR old coming home from work walking home alone by herself in the dark at night which she knows isn’t safe and she isn’t allowed to do.She either gets a ride or the 23 YR old walks her at night.

Now normally my hubby picks her up but he decided last night for some reason he’d rather go see a movie than pick her up and she wasn’t able to get a ride home with anyone so she walked, even though she should have called a taxi as it’s just not safe for a female to be walking alone at night; you can get raped or killed….and when I confronted  them today about what I saw he told me that she told him she got a ride home last night, which was an obvious lie as I saw her with my own eyes walking alone, and when I asked her she told me that she never told him that; that he’s making it up….so either way someone is obviously lying and they both are compulsive liars I have caught lying many times before so now the dilemma is which one to believe? Which one is lying this time? Who is telling the truth? There’s no way to know since they both are known for lying and due to it I can’t trust or believe either one. That’s the thing with liars: once someone lies to you, you never believe them again.

This time, however, I have a “feeling” that it’s the 16 YR old that’s lying; she probably just told him she got a ride home so she wouldn’t get in trouble for walking home alone when she knows she’s not supposed to. Now she also has emergency taxi $$$$ in her purse to carry with her at all times as well from now on in case something similar happens again and she doesn’t have a ride; if for some reason she ends up stranded somewhere, whether at work or if out anywhere, with friends or whatever; if my hubby can’t pick her up for some reason, an emergency or whatever, and no one else can get her, or if the friend she’s with they have a fight or something and she gets ditched or if the driver’s been drinking, or whatever; it’s best to have the emergency $$$$ in case she has to call a taxi. She also doesn’t see the big deal or why I was so mad but I just want her to be safe and also one thing I won’t tolerate is lying.

MarkleDress The Royal Wedding between Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was yesterday as well and although I didn’t watch it I was still eager to see her gown and I was disappointed that it was so plain, so simple.(My mother said it looked like a bedsheet) I was expecting something fancy(esp. for a Royal wedding) like with beads, pearls, sequins, lace, etc. on it, with intricate beading and detail and it was just so …blah… I was surprised and let-down. I expected alot more. I think Kate’s gown was nicer, but my fave. was Princess Diana’s; now she had a really gorgeous gown! Generally I’m not into the Royals but I have to admit I’d take a few peeks here and there and keep up on wedding details(although in secret as my hubby would make fun of me) as it is kind of fun to be a part of the excitement, and besides, weddings are big events for girls and we always love discussing the dress, and who doesn’t love a good love story, and a fairy-tale wedding where the girl marries her prince, am I right? ♥

Metaphors Of Life.

windPalms The wind. When I was out in the sun tanning earlier in the day a strong wind came by and it was chillier in the morning and the wind made it colder and it bothered me and I wanted it to stop, yet later on as the sun got hotter the cool strong breeze was a welcome relief and I was glad for it and then the thought occurred to me: the wind was still the same, only the way I was looking at it had changed; it was still the same strong cool wind it was before, only my perspective had changed and I saw it differently even though it was still the same thing it now affected me differently and it got me thinking about trying to apply that concept in life in general: not in all cases, of course, esp. the more extreme ones, but in some circumstances, can simply changing one’s perspective, the way you look at a situation and react to it, make all the difference between something happening in your life being a good thing or a bad thing?  It is what it is, but the way you react and respond to it changes everything?

Like with my hubby losing his job, for instance. We see it as a bad thing; what will we do for $$$$, how are we going to pay the bills, what about drug coverage,do we have to move, etc… but maybe if we try and look at it in another way it’s not so bad; maybe instead it’s just a time of change, of growth, of opportunity, or perhaps even to force us into a necessary change according to God’s plan that we wouldn’t have ordinarily done otherwise and we needed a push? Maybe this is the beginning of a new career path or opportunity for him, perhaps, the incentive we need to move, to downsize, or maybe even my opportunity to  break free of my toxic family and start a new life separate from them? Maybe this is an answer to my prayers of getting out of this toxic environment; perhaps if my hubby moves elsewhere and we stay here, for example, or if the family separates into two separate units and ends up living in two different places, etc…. who knows? Perhaps this will lead my hubby to an even better job elsewhere that he wouldn’t have had otherwise if he hadn’t have lost this one? Instead of it being an end, perhaps it’s a new beginning? Maybe it’s time for change?Maybe what feels stressful and uncertain now will end up being an improvement and blessing later?

I’m going to try this. The wind is like a metaphor of life. It got me thinking if I just try and change my perception that if maybe things can be seen differently, in a different light, from another angle, approached from a different way, viewed from another lens, from another point of view, a different perspective, it might help. This will be very difficult for me though I know as with my Asperger’s I am very rigid in my thinking and I can only  ever think one way or come up with one option as opposed to having more than one solution or way of seeing things and I see things in black and white but I’m going to give it a try. This realization was very enlightening. Instead of trying to change what it is, try and change the way I see it; like the wind; it stayed windy the entire day, that never changed, but what was at one time seen as unwanted and annoying was just shortly later welcomed and appreciated. It hadn’t changed, but the way I was looking at it had.

Open Windows.

window My hubby didn’t get that job he wanted and applied for, the one he had the interview for last week as they wanted someone more local, who could be right there and be in the office every day, on site, not working remotely from a home office like he does. He said how if we lived closer to the city it would have been possible but at the same time we also can’t afford to live any closer to the city as the houses the closer you get there are all out of our price range. He says he would have alot more opportunities for work if only we could move closer to the city but it’s just not possible due to the high costs so I really don’t know what we’re going to do. Maybe the best solution would be just for him to rent a room in the city somewhere during the week and work and just come home on weekends? He certainly doesn’t want to have to commute the 2 hour-plus drive each way there and back every day to work and yet at the same time there’s no way we can afford to buy a house any closer other than where we already are, so what do we do?

My mother said that when A door closes, a window opens…. and that one ending is another beginning…. indicating that when one opportunity is gone another will show up,and that when one thing is over something new is about to begin; in other words, God provides, which I know He always does, and I’ve also heard a similar expression used meaning the same thing as when one door closes, another opens but my worry is, with our bad luck, what if all of the doors and windows are all closed? What if all of them are all closed and locked up and nothing opens for us? Then what? For other people they have lots of windows and doors that are wide open, and for others some are open and some are closed, but I fear for us that they will always remain closed and never open… and if I ever did walk by an open window my first instinct would be to jump out.

Is THAT How Normal People Do It?

BNormal Reading my Facebook friends’ accounts of their Mother’s Day celebrations with their families  such as getting cards, flowers, gifts etc. from their kids, phone calls, getting taken out to brunch or dinner, going sailing, being celebrated and told how they’re loved, having meals prepared for them, breakfast in bed, home-made treats, thoughtful gifts and gestures, signs of love, etc. made me say aloud to myself, Is that how normal people do it? ( to redeem himself though, yesterday the 23 year old did finally wish me a belated Happy Mother’s Day and gave me a hug; he said he got the days mixed up and thought it was yesterday) which is something I often find myself saying, thinking, or wondering,often aloud. I compare my crazy dysfunctional, f*cked up family to other people, Is THAT  what normal people do? Is THAT how normal families are? Is THAT what normal people say? Is THAT how normal people are? etc. You get the idea. It always surprises me how completely different other families and other people are from us, how different the dynamics are, how differently they function, how differently they relate to eachother, how differently they do things, how differently they live, and it always leaves me feeling lacking, a loss, a sadness, a longing, and a yearning for the love, encouragement, support, validation, praise, acceptance, inclusion, kindness, belonging, compassion, understanding, security, closeness, bond, and unity I don’t have with my own family.

As well, the 11 YR old finally beat the 15 YR old at a certain video game so it’s now officially been decreed by all the kids that he’s now a Main Character(and no longer a Dog)…yeah…..don’t ask…..I’m not even entirely sure,either; it’s just one of those things my crazy family does…he passed his Main Character Test…. and for the past 3 days I’ve been on IB Gard, which is  a natural formula for IBS, mainly concentrated peppermint  oil that soothes and eases out the kinks and spasms in the abdomen and it seems to be working: I haven’t had the abdomenal pain since and as soon as I notice it flaring up or cramps beginning I take 2 pills and it lets up, so we’ll see, but it looks hopeful….yes, yes. yes…. I have a nice, deep dark tan now as well being outside every day and feeling the warm sun on your face is the best feeling in the world.It’s a gift from God, and it’s free!

Screenshot_566 My Facebook friend in Brazil’s baby also turned 2. Here she is. She’s just so cute. She just keeps getting cuter and cuter all the time. I just had to post this. I can’t believe she’s 2 already. Can you believe she had her when she was like 45 or 46? I also decided that sometimes you just have to live in the moment and those are the best memories, and Buddy woke me up during the night last night,too, furiously pawing at my face and whimpering, and I remember I was coughing so I wonder if I was maybe having a seizure in my sleep again and stopped breathing or something(or choking on a feather from my pillow, perhaps?) and he was trying to revive me, knowing something was wrong? I just love that dog so much. God knew exactly what I needed when He sent him to me. He’s my best friend and my co-pilot in life. Everyone needs someone to walk beside them along the road in life, like Paul had Silas; I have Buddy. He walks along beside me in my journey and is my right-hand man. There’s always a spot for him next to me.

I also had this scary nightmare that the volcano in Hawaii on the news the entire thing blows, and not only that but the entire chain of volcanoes along the Ring Of Fire along the Pacific Coast erupts, and the rumbling during the eruptions then causing massive earthquakes and tsunamis and flooding, decimating the coastlines all along Asia, Australia, and North and South America,; it was catastrophic, like we’ve never seen before, like in one of those doomsday end-of-the-world movies.It was horrible, countries sinking into the ocean, and all those people, millions and millions of people…

Our Mother’s Day.

HippoMothersDay Our(my mother’s and mine) Mother’s Day yesterday was pretty much just like any other Sunday, or any other day for that matter, other than the fact that we got the typical sappy cards(that we adults actually bought for eachother and pretended was from the kids, and that contained gooey love messages that none of us really feel) but the kids never drew me any home-made cards though( even though they do for my hubby for Father’s Day and for eachother for birthdays, just not for me) and, in fact, none of the kids even bothered to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Not even once. None of them even uttered the words.No one said it at all. Only my mother and hubby did. Not at all, but 2 neighbours did, when I was out walking Buddy one of the neighbour’s teen girls wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and the old guy I talk to that lives across from church came across the road to wish me a happy one which I thought was thoughtful and kind, esp. considering my own kids didn’t even bother, proving once again that total( Or not quite total) Strangers care about me more and treat me nicer than my own family does.

We also had KFC for dinner so neither my mother or I had to cook and she got a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store for us to put on the table.Not the kind I like, just a cheap 10$ one with mums that neither of us like but they were the cheapest and with a few carnations thrown in that she likes but I find are boring and plastic-like and have no smell and secretly I was wishing It would have been nice if these had been sunflowers…. My hubby got me this funny Dachshund card from Buddy as well which is fitting too because he is like my baby and he’s the only one in my family that really does love me,anyway, and I got the funky shoes that I’d picked out and I gave my hubby the bill. That’s how he buys gifts.That way he knows I like it.

. Even the kids that have moved out still never even bothered to phone or e-mail me any Mother’s Day wishes. My mother said she was upset that the kids never said Happy Mother’s Day to her either( even though I did) even though I told her that they’re not her kids though; they’re mine(and they never said it to me,either), but she’s always taken over and acts like they’re hers and expects to be treated like some kind of martyr. In church they also had  special prayers for mothers yesterday we all. It’s really just a day I prefer to get over with, a reminder of something yet again I’ve failed(even though it was my vocation and my dream, and yet something else that didn’t go as expected or work out the way I thought and ended up to be the total opposite and I end up disappointed and disillusioned) and that someone in my family will usually ruin for me anyway or use to remind me how much I suck as a mother.

I also had a portion of a perfect day last night; not the entire day, just a few minutes, a few peaceful, perfectly still, quiet moments. I woke up in the middle of the darkness and stillness of night with Buddy  beside me, and it was so still and quiet; there wasn’t one single sound.It was like the entire world had just stopped, just shut down momentarily. I couldn’t hear a thing, it was so still and quiet. It was peaceful and tranquil, leaving me alone with my thoughts and God. I couldn’t feel my heart beating either and for a moment there I even wondered if I was dead. It was such a perfect serene moment that I just wanted to capture it forever and I was so content and cocooned in my silent world I wish I could have just stayed locked away in there forever and kept it frozen like that for always. It was like a little gift from God, a small glimpse of peace. I wonder if that’s what the world is like for deaf people?Pure silence….