The Riddle.

riddle My friend F (from grade 6) sent me this riddle the other night and of course it confused the hell out of me as I can’t do math and I can’t do riddles or puzzles. So then he decided to try posting it up on his Facebook to see if anyone else could figure it out and no one else could either(so I didn’t feel so dumb) and it turned out that only his own daughter(who is now in her first year taking engineering at the University of Toronto) was able to correctly solve it. He himself is also good at stuff like this because he’s an accountant and really smart, plus, he’s Chinese, and well, let’s face it, they just seem to naturally be smart at math.I, however, am the opposite, and I’m convinced that I must be missing the part of my brain that does math although my MRI results have never officially mentioned anything.

For fun I had my hubby(who is really smart as well as a nerd) and the genius 11 YR old( who’s in highschool) try it, thinking for sure they’ll be able to do it, but surprisingly even they couldn’t; it even stumped them and they got the answer wrong and then they spent like forever picking it apart, every single little detail, trying to figure out where they went wrong, trying to figure it out, once I showed them the answer and how to achieve it. My hubby kept complaining how it was stupid and dumb, etc. but that was only because he couldn’t figure it out and got it wrong and got stumped. He’s really arrogant like that; he usually gets everything right with little or no effort, so when he can’t figure something out he just can’t believe it, and he gets all huffy and indignant, whereas with me I’m used to it and, in fact, I’m surprised if I actually end up getting an answer right!

In case you wanted to try, here is the answer:

lol, give up?? .. red shoe =5 guy = 5 cone = 5 look closing on the last guy. he is wearing a pair of red shoes and holding 2 cones =1 red shoe + (1 guy + 2 red shoes + 2 cones) × 1 cone = 5+(5+(5×2)+(2×2))×2 =5+(5+10+4)×2 =5+(19)×2 =5+38 =43 final

Screenshot_1054 My poor sunflower is also dying. All the leaves are now brown, shrivelled up, dry, and crispy. As you can see it finally has the bud  but we’ve hardly had much sun lately even though I do leave it in the window in the diningroom where we get the most sunlight( it’s too cold to put it outside anymore, and we’re supposed to get 10-15 cm snow today and tomorrow too….boo…) and it’s also the room(as well as the livingroom) that has 8-10 feet ceiling, big enough for it, I’m thinking it’ll die before the bud ever has a chance to open, to blossom, to bloom; all for nothing.It got so close,almost there, and then dies just before it can open. Just like me. Dying before I ever got a chance to blossom, to shine, to achieve anything, to succeed, to be beautiful, to be happy, to find love,to have my moment in the sun,to live. I’ve always played by the rules, tried to do the right thing, tried to be a good person,been obedient to God, but all for nothing. Where has it gotten me? If this doesn’t sum up my life I don’t know what does.

I also heard somewhere that heart attacks the majority happen between 6 am and Noon so it got me thinking if that’s the way I’m going to die( which is entirely possible given my family history and my high BP and my grandmother died in her early 50’s of a heart attack) it’ll most likely be in the morning, and I take Buddy out for 2 (out of 4 daily) of his walks before Noon so the chances are that I might even have a heart attack during one of our walks(talk about embarrassing, dropping and laying sprawled out there in the middle of the street like that!)is high, and now every day during that time period I wonder if it’ll be the day it might happen and so I wait….and wait….and nothing….and then once Noon comes and goes without anything I think to myself, Well, I guess today’s not going to be the day then; or at least not by a heart attack, anyway….

My Gut.

Screenshot_991 Now the abdomenal and back pain is constant and increasing,pretty much daily now, and I’m nauseated alot,too, which is unusual for me,and my gut-feeling tells me that I have cancer, they just haven’t found it yet. My gut tells me it’s likely cervical cancer, although it may have also started elsewhere(such as the ovary) and spread to the cervix, but when I really go inside myself, when I really look deep, and ask my body to tell me what’s going on, what’s causing my symptoms(which have been going on for at least this past entire year now, if not longer) and why I continue to decline I just know deep down in my gut it’s cancer. The edema’s really bad the past few days as well, and so bad when I press down on my fingers, for example, it makes this deep dent that just stays there as an indented mark,squished in, what they call pitting of the skin in medical terms, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and on top of that my liver must be acting-up again too as I’m really itchy and the jaundice is back again as my skin colour looks yellow-ish. I feel like ugh!

It will be interesting to see how how my family will react though if it turns out I do have cancer, esp. if it’s terminal, which I suspect it most likely is, esp. since it’s beeen going on for so long and the pain is in so many places, like it must be pretty advanced and have spread, never a good sign. Maybe it’s even affecting my entire reproductive system; ovaries, uterus, cervix, and maybe even my rectum, colon, bladder, stomach,and liver as well? I bet they’ll rejoice,actually, Yay! We’ll finally be rid of her!!  plus with my life insurance they’ll also have $$$ to move. I also have this recurring dream lately too I’m in Heaven but I’m going to a formal dance the last day of a cruise with 2 of my highschool friends and I have to look for a dress, and I meet the Love Of My Life there, so maybe there really is a soulmate out there for me only I won’t meet him until eternity; my eternal companion?

BuddyXMas Here is Buddy in his new Christmas sweater the 17 YR old got him. Last year she also got him a Christmas elf one. He’s sick today as well and barfed 3 times but luckily it’s like a clear watery and mucus-y barf and he had a diarrhrea too but later on he started to eat so hopefully he’s starting to feel better, and the 24 YR old saw my sunflower drooping and wilting and remarked, It’s trying so hard to live…. and I told him, It’s a survivor, like me… we’ve both been thru so much and endured harsh conditions and have been in pretty bad shape and yet we continue to survive and defy the odds. The 11 YR old was also playing his Minecraft game and he goes about his character, Look how high I am right now! I can’t get any higher! and I chuckled to myself and thought, Kid, one can never get too high! 😀 Also the wildfires in California are getting dangerously close to our friends’ house; they can see the smoke practically just down their street! Any closer and they’re going to have to evacuate. I often wonder too if we still lived there if our old house would have been affected,too? It’s not even there anymore though; it and neighbours on both sides houses were torn down and an apartment has been put up since.

They also had the Silver Cross Mother on the news; a mother honoured who lost a military son. In this case he’d committed suicide after being in the army and serving in war destroyed him,and what I don’t get is why all these mothers can be recruited and brainwashed by the War Machine and be indoctrinated like that and be so pro-military when their sons have died, and for what? To invade another country and kill other people; to wage war. Why? That was their son’s life and it was lost, taken away, for nothing. Don’t give me any of that crap how he died for his country and protecting our freedoms, etc. It’s all bullshit. It was a waste. Where are these real mothers that cry and scream in rage at the senseless loss of a son, lost to unjust wars, militarism, nationalism, hate, division…..and for what? Why aren’t these mothers crying out for peace and an end to bloodshed and war? If I lost a child to combat I sure as hell would be protesting the military on Parliament Hill, NOT promoting them!!

The Bud.

Screenshot_757 If you look carefully you can see my sole surviving sunflower has a tiny little flower bud starting to form in the middle! I can’t believe it!! Finally! After all this time! I still continue to water it daily and put it in the sun, although soon it’ll be too cold to put it outside anymore (yesterday we had an odd nice warm day, it was 15 C, and I was outside all day, most likely the last time now until spring, probably) and I’ll just have to place it in a sunbeam indoors, and even though it’s been months, since May, with no progress, I still refused to give up on it and kept waiting and tending to it…..and now look! Love, care, dedication, perseverance, and determination along with time has paid off. I hadn’t expected it and had resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to get a flower and was just continuing on caring for it until it eventually died and it surprised me!

Just when I least expected it!

At first I noticed there were little tiny hairs on the stem that weren’t there before but that sunflowers normally have so then I wondered if there might be any progress on a flower so I checked and lo and behold there it was! My mother told me to give up on it,that it was a lost cause and I’ll never get my sunflower, that I was just wasting my time….but maybe the lesson to be learned here is never give up. Keep trying. Sometimes things just take longer. Maybe it’s just a late bloomer, like I was, and it just takes it longer to mature than most; it goes on it’s own schedule and maybe I’ll end up having my sunflower for Christmas?…..or with my luck it’ll probably die before it ever even reaches the stage of full maturity and opens up, also just like me, dying before I ever get to bloom, or maybe, it’ll die the same day I do? We’re on this same journey together, struggling along, straggling, beaten down, fighting to survive, against the odds, almost making it but never quite getting there and then dying just before we have a chance to blossom….

or…. maybe, just maybe, for once something will actually go right and work out for me, and I’m not such a failure,afterall, and I will end up with a sunflower in the end eventually? As well, I also have stomach pain all day and feel nauseated and I’m just so tired of always feeling so crappy all the time yet no one ever seems to be able to find what’s wrong, and I feel better now too after talking to the oldest, who told me he and the 20 YR old are fine and the other kids are just messing with me again trying to upset me and get me worried. What kind of person does something like that though? It’s just not normal to go around intentionally hurting, breaking, freaking out and worrying people like that,and then enjoying watching their distress and panic. A nice, normal person would be supportive,caring, and undertsanding with someone’s anxiety and other issues  and would try to reassure them and not make up disturbing untruths to purposely trigger them and set them off.

I’m also not sure if it’s ironic, hypocritical, or a case of If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em: the gov’t used to arrest people for pot and yet here they are now legalizing it so that they can have a monopoly on the trade and hope to be the main dealer. They just want to get in on the profits and make a killing off of all the taxes it will rake in. Like everything else it does, it’s just a tax grab, a way to make $$$$ or to control, regulate and monopolize. It will be nice though to be able to smoke up freely, without having to hide in the shed.  I checked out the new gov’t weed website too and ordered some pre-rolled joints as I always have a hard time rolling them I’m so unco-ordinated. I was surprised it wasn’t slow, didn’t crash and wasn’t all sold out! It’s also my BFF’s birthday today too. We’ve been BFF’s ever since we were 12 and she’s known me longer than anyone and still stuck around and never got tired of me like everyone else eventually did. Happy Birthday!

Dying.

Screenshot_493 Poor Sunny the sunflower is dying. Parts are turning yellow now and the leaves are getting some sort of rot on them now, some kind of blemish or blight, and are drying up and dying…..and it just ever stayed a plant and never did produce a flower; never did blossom. Just like me.  Living a hard life of struggle all for nothing and even right to the end never producing any fruits. I wonder if it might also be symbolic,too: it’s dying now and maybe I am,too? Maybe it’s like we live sort of parallel lives and we’re both drying up, withering away,and dying together? Both dying before we ever got a chance to bloom. At least between my Pap test and my ultrasound next month if I really do have reproductive or rectal cancer or something( which would explain my symptoms) they should find something….

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The kids also got me these amazing pumpkin spice Cheerios because they know other than chocolate that pumpkin spice is my all-time fave. and I love all things pumpkin spice because I am a Basic White Girl like that( although on the inside I’m really actually more Black, but that’s for another post later). When I reacted joyfully and shrieked, Oooohh!!! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! of course they all tired to take credit for being the one that bought it. Either way, it’s just sooooo good, perfect for snacking on dry, and this makes up for when they took my iPodThey have redeemed themselves.

Until next time.

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I was also going thru some old photos the other day for Throwback Thursday and I found this one, which is one of my faves of the 15 YR old and I 5 years ago when she was 10. This was back when she used to still love me and let me love her back, back when we used to be really close. Before she grew up and got older and distanced herself from me and pushed me out of her life. When she did it left this big empty hole inside of me, a loss and void  and then Buddy came along and filled it. I love this picture as it reminds me of what we once had, of a happier time, of what I wish I still had, and wish I could get back again. I’ll still always love her; I’m just not “allowed” to express it anymore.

The lump under Buddy’s eye finally popped as well! It was a big, hard, round lump like a pea and it had a big “head” on it like a pimple and he was cuddling with me,looking at me with a sad, pleading, Please help me! look on his face, so I squeezed it and it popped. He did flinch , wince,and yelp slightly, but he didn’t try and bite, wiggle, or escape; it’s like he knew I was helping him even if it hurt. I was able to squeeze out lots of fluid, which was a transparent yellow/orange colour and had a slight metallic odour. Then it went all the way down and deflated but it must have still been itchy as he kept rubbing it against my leg, on the carpet, and scratching it…..but then scratching it he also tore it apart and made this big gash and it split open and when I tried to put a Band-Aid on it he kept running away and was mad at me but I was still able to put antibiotic cream on it and at least on his face he can’t lick it off! I guess it must have been some sort of cyst or boil then being fluid-filled as tumours are solid masses….

I also notice too my own cuts and sores used to heal in just days but lately they take 2-3 weeks so my immune sysyem must be shot, but I also read somewhere if wounds are slow healing it can be an indication you have hemophilia, a blood-clotting disorder. Only males actually have it but females can be carriers, so it makes me wonder, esp. since I do always have really heavy periods and bad hemmoraging with every baby I’ve had at birth and I always need medication to help control the bleeding plus extra monitoring and longer time in the recovery room because I just won’t stop bleeding and I remember when they took that polyp off my colon they called it a real bleeder and said that was unusual and they had to put a clip on it to stop the heavy bleeding as well which they don’t usually do so it does make you wonder, esp. with my inherited Alpha-1 antitrypsan deficiency it makes me wonder what other genetic issues I may also have,too…..

As for Trump nominating a guy to the Supreme Court being accused to sexual assault back as a teen, my thoughts are simply this: I have no way of knowing who’s telling the truth; him or her, but I think the only thing worse than a guilty person getting away is an innocent person being wrongly accused and ruined so I just hope that the truth prevails and is revealed, whatever it may be.

Now.

Screenshot_428.png Now it’s cold. It feels like fall now after being so hot for so long. It was 12 C when I took Buddy out for his morning walk at 7 am. Today all day I was wearing my jacket and when Buddy and I were sitting outside we were curled up under a nice warm blanket. I also now have the cold that’s going thru the house and my mother’s getting it too so now it’s hit everyone. Sometimes 1 or 2 people get lucky and get spared, but not this time. Now we’re all sick. My mother also saw my sunflowers in the vase on the table and asked where they came from as she didn’t see them before( she had gone to bed when I’d went to Wal-Mart and picked up my delivery and saw them there and picked them up too) and she actually thought I took them out of someone’s garden, but I would never! That’s stealing! My hubby would though, no problem.

Screenshot_426 I also had my bloodwork done the other day and got my results online (I see the doctor next month) and as usual my liver enzymes are elevated ( I now know most likely due to my genetic Alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency  which affects the liver and lungs) and decreased kidney function and high cholesterol with an added note highlighted that I am at high risk for CVD…. that being  cardio-vascular disease, again, meaning heart-attack and stroke. One of my doctors before(it was either the cardiologist or the gastro doc, I forget) questioned putting me on meds for the high cholesterol but he decided against it saying the meds also affect the liver and would cause even more damage. The good news is though that my glucose level is good( so I don’t have diabetes at least) and my hemoglobin and platelets are within normal range, so that’s something.

Even trying to dry out the sunflowers that the nice man across from church gave me to harvest for seeds to plant still didn’t work for me. I’m such a flop and failure nothing ever works out or goes right for me. Instead of drying out nicely it just got all slimy and stinky and I don’t even see any seeds! I know they should be on the face of the flower…..but there’s nothing there, just the little “hairy” things but no seeds. It figures, doesn’t it? The story of my life.

 

 

Summer And Fall.

Screenshot_411 It’s still feeling like summer even though it looks like fall and we still have a week still officially left of summer. For the last weekend of summer yesterday I think was the hottest day yet. Now the 17 YR old, 15 YR old, and 11 YR old are all sick with the virus I dubbed the Papa Plague since he was the first one to have it and to infect everyone else. Even Buddy’s sick,too: he hasn’t eaten all day, feels warm with fever and barfed once. I also have this recurring dream lately that I’m going on a plane again sometime soon but have no idea where so I wonder if a trip is coming up? One of my cousins(who’s in his late 30’s/ early 40’s and has a son in grade 7) who lives farther up North also said he’s lost several friends to drug over-doses; it’s become a real problem recently.

Screenshot_386 This is also the fall decor I put up on the balcony on the third floor. It’s a scarecrow and leaves garland. I also put up the fall wreaths in the window and on the door. My sunflower still shows no signs of any flower and other sunflowers are seeding and dying now and it reminds me of myself and my life: always waiting, hoping, trying, putting in an effort, but get nothing in the end and it all ends up all for nothing. I’m pretty sure that’s how this is going to play out too, just like pretty well everything else in my life I attempt. It’s been 6 months since I planted it and every day I diligently water it and put it out in the sun; I even talk to it (Hello there, Sunny-Boy! How are you today?) and my mother laughs at me I’m wasting my time but I keep hoping and I keep trying….likely all for no results in the end, no outcome, no reward in the end. No happy ending. No success..The story of my life.

Screenshot_387 The 17 YR old also went to Tim Horton’s and brought the 15 YR old back a hot chocolate for her sore throat…..and brought me back this: a pumpkin spice iced capp! Even though I don’t like and don’t drink coffee, with all the cream and other flavours I don’t even taste the coffee. At first I wasn’t sure what flavour it was supposed to be but it didn’t taste like pumpkin, but more like a caramel cream but it was still good. I have to say I was really surprised she brought it for me though, she never brings me anything,and,in fact, of all the kids she’s the one that’s usually the meanest to me, the most mouthy, disrespectful, hurtful, insulting, etc. so to have her suddenly out of nowhere do something nice for me like that was, well…..really nice and I really appreciated it. It really made my day.

In church yesterday they also had sunflowers, lots of them, in 2 big vases on the altar and so I figure, this has  to be some sort of sign for me, an answer to some prayer…..but to what? Which one? Is God possibly trying to tell me something? I’m also in the Manic phase of my bipolar now so the anxiety is running extra high, I’m running on fast-forward, my mind is racing a thousand miles an HR, I’m jittery, and having trouble sleeping and lay awake until well into the night,and I know eventually I’m going to crash and sink down to the depression phase in not too long.

My friend I (from grade 8) also keeps posting for us to support her ( she works for Canada Post) during the mail strike they hope to have soon and I replied, That’s what couriers are for and she replied sarcastically, Thanks for your support  but like I told her, not everyone supports and agrees with a postal strike,and as a consumer I’m going to go with whoever can provide the services I need and if Canada Post can’t deliver then I’ll find someone else that will. It’s that simple.

 

Sheltered.

Screenshot_340 This is the top of my sole surviving sunflower, that I have named Sunny. It’s harvest time now for all the other sunflowers in the neighbourhood, they are all seeding now, but poor slow Sunny doesn’t even have a bloom yet; he hasn’t even blossomed. It’s tall, and goes all the way up to my chest, but the leaves are much smaller than they should be, I’d say half the size, and there’s no sign of a flower.At this point I doubt that there ever will be but I won’t give up hope. Methinks my poor Sunny is stunted, and, just like me, a late bloomer, and perhaps it’s because it’s been sheltered and hasn’t been given the opportunity to bloom and blossom into it’s full potential, also like myself.

Sunny has always been confined to grow in the glass pasta sauce jar because when I attempted to plant him and his siblings outside in the garden the damn squirrels dug them all up and killed all the others so I was able to rescue Sunny and one or two others(I forget) and re-plant them indoors and keep them safe inside, sitting in the windowsill for sunlight, but the others sadly didn’t make it and Sunny was the only survivor, and even though he holds on tight he( also like me) struggles to survive and lags behind the rest, growing ever-so-slowly, at his own speed, lagging behind, marching to the beat of his own drummer, holding on yet never seeming to quite get there.

I bring him outdoors every day for sun during daylight hours and water him daily but maybe to be able to spread his roots fully and to blossom he needs the freedom of living outside instead of being sheltered inside in a glass jar. Again, just like me, being sheltered in life, stunted, unable to develop, grow, and mature the way I was intended and supposed to, always lagging behind, immature and unable to evolve at the proper rate, always falling behind, struggling, unable to keep up,unable to  grow and thrive, due to mental illness and other issues, and traumas and other circumstances in life, never blossoming, dying before ever getting a chance to bloom, always being sheltered and never maturing into what I was intended to be, what God created me to be because  I was limited in life and always held back, unable to fully spread out my roots and grow.

I also put up this photo here so that you can compare both Buddy’s “thumbs” on both his toes so you can see how much was torn off. I was wondering as well if the lumps under his eye might be a blocked sinus or something and every now and then it fills up with fluid and then drains, which would also explain why he sneezes alot,too, and and has really stinky boogers that stink like something rotting and dead? What I really fear in my heart it is though is nasal cancer; nasal adenocarcinoma which also causes facial lumps(as the tumour grows and presses on things), sneezing, foul-smelling nasal discharge, reverse-sneezing, coughing and gagging( which he also does alot and I call gaacck and braacck) and is NOT curable and commonly does occur in older dogs( he’s 12 now) and also in long-nosed breeds like him. It just breaks my heart to think he may be dying, and when I really look into his eyes and feel him it scares me because I have a bad feeling about it.

For the past 3 days as well I’ve seen Buddy laying at the foot of my bed as I was waking up and he was staring intently ahead as if someone was there and he was watching them but no one was, or at least not that I could see, and he wasn’t barking like he normally would with an intruder, so it wasn’t a threat, so I wonder if maybe he saw an angel,   and if so, was it coming for him or for me? Which one of us is dying soon….or are we both? Or is it perhaps just my Guardian Angel watching over me as I sleep?

At sunset as the sun shone onto Buddy and as I watched him bounding around on the grass in the yard my heart felt so grateful for him; he is my life, and the only love, light,and joy in my life. I wouldn’t want to live without him. I’d have nothing to live for, nothing to get up for in the mornings anymore, nothing to keep me going, no one to love me, no one to dote on, no companion, and I’d be so lonely and lost. He is my world, my everything. God sent him to heal and mend my broken heart and he filled in an empty hole that needed love so badly and I couldn’t live without him. I can only pray to God that He takes me first; that I die before Buddy and he outlives me and that I can be waiting for him in Heaven. I’ll love him forever.

The 23 YR old also said that for him a haircut and protein(meaning meat) is a luxury because we’re so short on $$$$ and my mother said if she ever had any extra $$$$$ ( ha, ha, ….yeah…..right….) she wants to invest in some new animal-proof garbage cans with lids and get satellite or cable TV back again( it was costing us 100$ a month so we got rid of it) so she can watch her shows again without always having to need someone to help her with the TV to get them off the Internet, and after I’d had my weed yesterday (I call Wednesday Weednesday) my brain was so mumbled ( even more than usual) and I could feel my entire body just relax and floppy and vibrate, throb, and then I left my body for awhile. It’s the most relaxing thing ever(you should try leaving your body if you can) and I highly recommend it. I think it’s one of the most highest states of consciousness and the stage in-between unconscioussness and death and perhaps crosses dimensions.