Original Due Date.

Screen Shot 10-11-17 at 08.08 AM Today was the original due date for my first child 28 years ago. October 12…..only labour didn’t begin until 3 days later, on the 15th and he wasn’t born until 4 days later, on the 16th. I’ll never forget that day though; October 12th. It’ll always be imprinted in my memory forever, like a brain tattoo, forever etched on my mind, a day I eagerly anticipated and looked excitely ahead to for 9 months,and then a day that came and went….and as each day,each hour passed, I would get increasingly nervous, When it is going to happen? Is this baby ever going to come out? It seemed to last forever and I was just so eager to meet him and, to tell you the truth, at that point at the end of the pregnancy, just so desperate to get him out (I would have taken him out myself with salad tongs if I could!) I was trying everything from drinking castor oil, going for a bumpy car ride, to having sex….what’s taking this kid so long,anyway? I’m so done being pregnant….

…..but then one day, on the early morning of the 15th, around 5 am, my first contraction begun,and I was on my way at long last,and at 4 :47 the next morning, on the 16 th I became a mother for the first time,and against the odds he survived! Even though he was my first baby, our experiment,and we had no idea what we were doing and we were just “winging” it and just learned as we went along he survived and grew and came it thru it relatively unscathed(and he’s one of our more normal ones, or at least I think he is…) and now he’ll be 28 years old next week, but I’ll never forget October 12th. It was when he was originally supposed to be born.

As well, I saw this survey online how much $$$$ did you get for allowance as a kid and it reminded me: I used to get 20$ a week allowance yet now as an adult I’m put on a limit of 20$ a month “allowance” and this includes all my personal needs too such as shampoo, hair dye, tampons, deoderant, etc. whereas when I was a kid and a teen those were not incl. in my allowance; I didn’t have to pay for them, my allowance was just my extra spending $$$ but now I have to get all my needs out of it which is next to impossible and I realized that I had more money as a kid and teen than I do now. I’d also thought the diarrhrea was gone since the polyp was removed from my colon but now it’s back again, along with more bright red bleeding along with it, so maybe I do have colon cancer, afterall, then? I should get the biopsy results later next week….

I also had the recurring dream I often do of my last day of highschool and how free I felt, and how I just ran down the halls yelling, Freedom! I’m free! I never have to come back to this place ever again! what a feeling of pure freedom I felt, like I could fly,and it makes me think that’s probably how I’ll feel when I die,too; free; freedom from this life, free from this toxic environment, freedom from this toxic family, free from this physical body, free to soar, free to fly, free from anxiety, sadness, worry, fear, hurt, pain, rejection, free from depression, bi-polar, Asperger’s, free from self-loathing and self-hatred, free from being me,  just free….

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A Rough Week.

Screen Shot 09-22-17 at 06.45 PM It’s been a really rough week, I mean really rough. So yesterday, even though it’s not my normal weed day I brought out my trusty bong and my last bud of weed I had left and had a few good hits, because, you know, sometimes you just need a little extra to get you thru days, or in this case, a week, like this, you need to just float away from life. First of all it was crushing to be told that we failed the eating disorders clinic and have it suggested we go elsewhere because the 14 YR old isn’t gaining enough weight like they want and expect, even though I’m doing everything they’d told us,and I’m trying hard, doing my best and putting my all into it, and it’s not easy,ad it’s taking alot out of me physically and emotionally, yet it’s still not enough.

Then, on top of that, I get my CT scan results which highly cause my doctor to suspect cancer, which is why he’s referred me to get the colonoscopy, and even though I want to die and have been ready to die for years it’s still heavy to face the fact that you likely have cancer, which is never an easy thing to hear or face, and then to realize something’s wrong with Buddy,too, as he’s been acting strangely for days and I fear he might be dying….it’s all just too much, and all at once. Just in case though, I’m keeping him close by me all the time, as I don’t want him to wander off and hide somewhere and die alone; I want him with me plus I want to spend as much time with him as I possibly can while he’s still here, and to make what may be his last days special I gave him chicken and beef, a treat, which he ate eagerly so his appetite’s still good which is a good sign, but when he goes for walks now he can only go half way and then he just sits down and won’t budge and I have to carry him the rest of the way home. I can’t bear to lose him though, he’s my best friend, the only light and joy in my life, the only one who loves me, and if I lose him I’ll have nothing, no reason to get up in the mornings anymore, no one to love me, I’ll be lost and alone.I’ll miss not having him following me everywhere I go, greeting me excitedly at the door when I come home, licking me, snuggling with me on the couch, sleeping next to me in bed, going for our walks, always by my side….he’s such a big presence in my life. ♥

They also called yesterday about my colonoscopy(that was fast!) and I get it in just 2 weeks and they said my case was marked as very urgent! and they wanted to do it as soon as possible but originally they had it booked for the same day as the 14 YR old’s app’t (and her health and recovery is most important and comes first) and I said I can do it any day except the days she has her app’t’s so I got it for 2 days later. I was really high when they called too so it was complicated and confusing trying to navigate thru the call with my mind not working and trying to book a date as I didn’t even know what month it is now, and, in fact, I somehow thought it was March! They’re going to mail me an info pack beforehand with instructions I apparantly have some regimen I have to follow before I assume to clear me out so I don’t have any shit all up in there blocking their view,and luckily I will be asleep when they do it( like I was for the endoscope I had before) so I won’t remember any of it,and they said they do use different tubes up people’s asses than they use down people’s throats,not the same one, thank God!

It’s still really warm like summer too and will be for another week, so that’s like 3-4 weeks of summer, like the summer we didn’t get in August, so it’s like August and September switched places and it’s even going up to 31 C and 32 C this weekend with the humidex around 40C! Now it’s actually hot enough to swim,too, except we already closed the pool! When I was sitting outside something weird happened as well: all of a sudden I could smell Babushka, that is, the smell I remember every time I’d smell going to her house or when she’d sit close to me, I could actually smell it, her scent, even though she’s been dead for 12 years. It was the strangest thing, but very nostalgic and comforting. I hope when I die that she’s the one that meets me in Heaven,too, if I have the choice, but maybe they’re assigned, I don’t know…the only bad thing though if I die soon is I’ll never know how The Blacklist  ends once the series is over.

Back To School!

Screen Shot 09-05-17 at 07.43 AM Yesterday was back to school, except for the 14 YR old who started her first day ( of highschool! She’s in grade 9 now!) today because she had her weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic yesterday. Now we still have 3 kids homeschooling and 2 away at post-secondary, one in her 3rd YR of university, and one starting her first YR. As for the homeschooling, we have one in grade 9, one in grade 11,and one in grade 8. The first day went ok although we weren’t organized or ready; my hubby still hadn’t installed the highschool curriculum(which he ended up doing at the last minute) on the computers ahead of time and we still haven’t been able to find some of the curriculum or an answer book but they did what they could. The 18 YR old’s first day went well too and she even won tickets to her fave. band from some contest. They still have Frosh Week too like they did when I went there only I never participated in any of that as it’s a sort of meet-and-greet get-to-know you social interaction sort of thing and I’m not big on social events or on any of that “school spirit” stuff, which I always thought was dumb; I just go there to learn and then I come right home. I never did any of the after-school activities or joined any of the clubs,either; I couldn’t wait to get out of there every day!

I can still very vividly remember the fear, anxiety, worry,stress, and nervousness on the first day of school every year as well; it was so bad for me that I was actually sick to my stomach and I threw up. It was just brutal, just awful. My anxiety was just thru the roof. I could just feel the collective anxiety and nerves yesterday as well as all the kids headed back and so I said a prayer for them,and I still remember all the worries of a student well: Will I have a lab partner for science? Will I have someone to eat lunch with? Will I find a gym partner? What if I forget my locker combo? Will the bullies and bitches be in any of my classes this year? Will I get any of the mean teachers? Will I get lost or end up late trying to find my classes? Will any of my friends be in any of my classes? What if I don’t know anyone in my class? Luckily for my kids being homeschooled they don’t have any of these fears and they know what to expect every year so it takes alot of the pressure and worry off so they can just concentrate solely on their lessons.

As well, the 14 YR old entered an art contest and she won Second place, and on the way to the clinic I saw a car rolled over in a ditch by the side of the highway and it was upside-down on it’s roof(probably distracted driving like my hubby always does!!!!), and the therapist asked my hubby now that he’s stepped up and told the kids to treat me with more respect and they have which makes me feel better, how does that make him feel and he just shrugged, Indifferent, and they looked like they were taken aback by his cold reply, as it was so glaringly obvious that he doesn’t give a shit about me, and he said(talking about me) that the kids Still avoid me to avoid drama…sort of like how  try to avoid the lot of them to avoid conflict, too, and she said that the kids seeing us always fighting and in conflict is harmful to their development, etc… but in all reality though what family doesn’t argue, fight, have conflict, or discord though? No one is perfect, and everyone is dysfunctional in one way or another,and we all have issues and conflicts,and skeletons in our closet; it’s just human relationships,it’s just life.

The therapist also asked if we’re communicating any better with eachother, but the truth is that we hardly even see eachother, let alone talk to eachother; we just try to stay out of eachother’s way,and we each have our own separate lives and separate interests, and other than regarding the kids, rarely intersect. We’re sort of like room-mates that share living quarters but maintain our own separate spaces and lives and come and go separately and rarely inter-act or cross paths. I also try to use humour and joke around to try and relate to, connect with, and break down barriers with my kids but all they ever do is tell me to shut up, go away, or that I’m not funny,and my hubby rolls his eyes or face-palms in a dismissive way every time I try as well, and I pray that one day…one day….someone will come into my life that likes and appreciates my twisted sense of humour and finds it endearing….because it’s a part of me…..and will find it wildly entertaining, or at least half-way funny and amusing, or in any case at least not always be annoyed and put-off by it and insult it….

My abdomenal pain is also increasingly getting worse: now I’m having it constantly all day and the pain is generalized in the entire abdomenal region below my belly-button but is worse on the right side….I wonder what it is? My guess would be either kidney or liver failure, appendix, or some sort of tumour/ cancer lurking somewhere…..I see the internal medicine specialist this week though so we’ll see what he has to say…. a friend told me not to wait and to go to the ER but I only go if it gets so bad that I can’t stand up; then I know it’s something serious….there has to be something causing it though…..as well as my drastic 50 pound weight loss, persistant cough, extreme fatigue, seizures, fluid retention, etc… it’s a real mystery….

Old Hippie.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.59 PM I’m an old hippie. Or a Next Generation Hippie. Or a recycled Hippie. I’ve always been a free spirit and embraced the Hippie culture and mindset of peace, love, anti-war, anti-gun,and anti-violence, and with my newfound love for weed, and I love all things tie-dye, peasant blouses, bohemian-style clothing, flowers in my hair, groovy 60’s music, psychedelic patterns, etc. I would have loved to have been at Woodstock; I think it would have been just epic but I was only 2 YRS old.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.56 PM 001was born in 1967 near the end of the hippie period but I was born with it in my blood, and have always  had the hippie spirit, vibe, soul, and mindset. It even meshes nicely with my Communist background as hippies as well were into communal living and sharing everything they owned, and when you really think about it so was Jesus and His followers, it sounds like Jesus was a Hippie and a Marxist to me. I can still even remember my first tie-shirt shirt when I was 2 years old. I loved that thing so much, even then, and I’ve had a succession of tie-dyed shirts in various sizes ever since. Currently I’m looking for a pair of tie-dyed socks but they’re seemingly impossible  to find unless I go online and pay 3 times as much for shipping as I do for the actual item itself! By then it’ll end up costing me 60$!!

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 06.56 PM I still remember the time too when my BFF and I were 12 and that time we dressed up as hippies and took the streetcar downtown and everyone kept staring at us. It was awkward but fun. We were decked out wearing tie-dye shirts, suede fringed vests, bandanas, large “Peace” sign necklaces, ripped jeans and Jesus sandals. It was hilarious and we had so much fun. I’ll never forget that.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 08.41 AM I remember in school that 2 of my friends’ parents were hippies as well: J’s parents in grade 2 and T’s parents in grade 5, and it was fun hanging out at their house and going to their birthday parties as their parents were so easy-going, cool, nice, approachable, fun, and friendly, and they had cool furnishings too such as beanbag chairs,beads in the doorways, and lava lamps. and one of my own cousins when I was young was a hippie,too: he was 20 at the time and even had the long hair that my uncle hated and always told him to cut off.

Screen Shot 08-30-17 at 08.40 AM As well, on weed I had a “revelation”, an awakening, or an insight, or whatever you want to call it, that death is merely the transferring of matter from one dimension to another (similar to tele-porting) and changing of matter from one property(physical) to another( spiritual) and that the matter still exists and continues on, just somewhere else and in a different form. The 18 YR old’s also all packed up, excited,and ready to go to her dorm/residence in Ottawa this weekend,too, but I won’t be going along, for one thing I can never go back to Ottawa again after what happened there with our enemy and the trauma I endured; it was too traumatizing and I never want to go there ever again as it will only bring back flashbacks and bad traumatic memories. I never want to see that place ever again.

The Furnace.

Screen Shot 08-27-17 at 08.36 AM I still remember when I was a kid I was scared of the furnace at my grandparents’ house. It was similar to the one in the photo seen here. It was big and loud and scary. It rumbled and shook and made scary noises and it scared the shit out of me. It was like some sort of scary monster and I was scared to go down to the basement afraid that it would come to life and eat me. I wouldn’t even go down to the basement unless there was an adult with me I was so scared of the noisy terrifying furnace. It smelled bad too and I was convinced that it was out to get me. I even had nightmares about it. For some reason though I wasn’t afraid of the furnaces at my aunts and uncles houses, just at my grandparents. I guess they just had regular furnaces, not the scary kind. It makes me laugh now to remember it, and it’s funny the things you can still remember from your childhood.

I also remember the Lava Game where you place pillows on the floor and you have to hop from pillow to pillow and can’t touch the floor otherwise you fall in lava. My own kids play that same game,too, so it must be some sort of universal kid thing. I also thought I had rabid dogs living under my bed( a fear I developed because I actually really did see 2 rabid dogs in the school yard fighting during recess one day and there was blood all over the snow and it was scary and they called us to get back into the school early) and I had to turn the light off at one end of my room and quickly make a run for it and take a flying leap and jump into my bed from across the room and not stand next to it or else they’d grab me by my ankles and pull me under the bed. I also had an unusual fear of earthquakes and quicksand, likely from movies I’d seen. It’s funny the things that play on your mind and scare you when you’re a kid.

As well, a Facebook friend who lives in Texas got her house badly flooded with the hurricane and they lost everything; the water was as high as the toilet and it was everywhere and they got evacuated, and my hubby said he could finally drive me to church(after having to walk for the past 2 months but I still get tired and out of breath and prefer a ride if I can get one and don’t want to walk if I don’t have to) but then of course just before it was time for me to go he conveniently had to go out somewhere and left so I had to end up walking afterall, and he never even came to pick me up afterwards either, using the excuse he was going to, but I came home before he could…..yeah….right… we also had a guest priest this week and he had this nice French accent and even did part of the Mass in French which was kind of cool, and I realized too when I prayed to God to send me someone to show me love, compassion and kindness and to show me I’m worth loving that He already did: Jesus and Buddy! The 22 YR old also says it was a “waste” of $$$$ the oldest kids’ university degrees as their jobs have nothing to do with their degrees or the field they studied in but I don’t think that education is ever a waste.

The Rabbit’s Foot.

Screen Shot 08-21-17 at 08.24 AM I got a purple rabbit’s foot the other day, like the one pictured here. No, it’s not for “good luck” or as a good luck  charm or talisman or any of that crap; I don’t believe in any of that superstitious garbage but the reason I got it is because it reminds me of my childhood and brings back happy nostalgic memories. I used to have a purple one and an orange one when I was a kid. Back then, back in the 70’s they sold them everyone, most commonly at variety stores. I had them because I thought they were pretty and they were so soft, and besides, I’ve always loved fur. Purple is also my fave. colour.

A rabbit’s foot is also the perfect calming sensory/ stimulation/ soothing tool for someone with Asperger’s like myself, as I stroke it, it calms me down and relaxes me, a method of de-stressing and soothing, like I would do as a kid, and I also had a swatch of blue velvet as a kid that I would rub as well for the same effect. Swinging and rocking back and forth such as in a rocking chair or on the porch swing also has the same soothing calming effect on me, what is commonly referred to as stimming behaviour. It’s an Asperger’s thing.

Screen Shot 08-24-17 at 11.08 AM As well, this is the new funky sequin pillow I bought. Isn’t is pretty? I also went to the mall in a nearby town with the 14 YR old yesterday so we had sort of a Girls Night Out and it was nice, although she always walked like 3 feet ahead of me and I was trailing along behind as she walks so fast and I can’t keep up as I get tired and out of breath and can’t walk too fast. We stopped off at the ice cream place on the way home for a snack too and I saw they had a Heavenly Hash flavour but I really don’t think that it’s the same kind of hash that I’m thinking…..

Let’s Go To The Ex!

Screen Shot 08-20-17 at 08.21 PM I went to the “Ex” (CNE). It’s worth the 2 HR drive each way. I used to go all the time when I lived in Toronto, something like 6 times every summer and I always looked forward to it as a kid and I still do. It’s a summer tradition. Of course now my back is just killing me from all the walking and we were gone for 11 1/2 hours. On the way there my hubby detoured in Port Hope and meandered thru every dinky little town before finally getting back on the highway and when I announced my displeasure he screamed down at me for “nagging” ( every time I open my mouth he accuses me of nagging) and then just to be an asshole and to get me mad he purposely slowed down driving to just 40 KM to delay and dawdle even more. The 10 YR old also kept bugging me as well by hitting me, kicking the back of my seat and taunting me by calling me stupid, fat, and saying he hopes Buddy dies and ends up road-kill,etc… so then I put on the headphones and cranked up the music on my iPod really loud to drown him out…..and then they wonder why I try to stay away from them to avoid conflict and stress.

It started to get really crowded around 2 pm there were wall-to-wall people, they were everywherethousands of them, it like being in India,and I really missed the city too and was so happy to be back and as soon as we crossed over into the city line I just transformed; I came alive again and the Old Me was back. It just brings new life into me. I never should have left. When I come back here it’s like a darkness fills my soul. I liked seeing the diversity of the city once again as well; the Indians, the Muslims, the Jamaicans, the Chinese, the Orthodox Jews, etc.. Part of the vendor area was blocked off temporarily too because a raccoon somehow got in there and settled up on a shelf and they had to get animal control in to come take it away. I had Indian Butter chicken for lunch as well and gyros for dinner, which is basically a Greek donair.

I also helped this old lady get a pair of shoes; I was sitting on a bench resting and it was across a shoe vendor and this old lady( 70’s or 80’s) tried on this really hideous high-heeled shoes that looked like hooker shoes and was debating whether she should buy it or not and her daughter tried to talk her out of it but she really liked them and she asked me what I thought so I told her if it makes her happy then to go for it and if she likes it, that’s all that matters, and so she ended up buying it. I saw 2 shows as well; Inuit singers from Nunavut with Metis dancers from Manitoba, and Bavarian break dancers from Germany that danced to yodelling music. They had less than half the vendors they had last year though, but I bought a lavender sachet, insense, a T-shirt from Russia, bath bombs and knee-high winter socks.