The Cricket.

Screenshot_120 As soon as I went in the kitchen in the morning I heard what sounded distinctly like a cricket loudly chirping. I was sure it was a cricket. I know a cricket when I hear one. I like the sound though,and it reminds me of camp and the cottage when I was a kid. I mentioned it to my hubby and he quickly dismissed it(as anything I say always has to be doubted and shot down and can’t possibly be true) and said,It’s just the fridge; it’s making that noise because you over-crowd it with too much stuff as usual! It kept on thru the day and then later on guess what?…. the 17 YR old sawcricket….what do you know….on the kitchen counter in-between 2 mugs! HA! I was right! Searching Google for this cricket image at first all these dumb sports cricket crap first came up too and not the inscet, and I was like, Oh, yeah….shit….I forgot there’s another kind of cricket!

I also did see a cricket the other day,and rescue it, from the pool. It was in the water struggling and I lifted it out and put it onto the deck to hop into the bushes and it jumped back into the water and again I returned it. I wonder if it was the same one? It sure felt good, though, being right and being able to rub it in his face! He’s always gloating about smart he is and how he’s always right about everything all the time and always trying to prove me wrong and make me look dumb, but this time I was right and he was wrong so he can suck it!!  😀

Screenshot_119 The Daily Bruise: Day 6. It’s clearing up more but still hurts in bed at night if I roll over and bump it up against anything, and I was woken up at 1 am with a loud harsh coughing fit,too. It was really bad; the kind where you gasp for air and your eyes water, and my chest felt tight, burning,squeezing, and constricted as well, like it did during the fire breathing in the smoke, or sort of like when you stay underwater too long and your lungs are starving for air and you have to resurface right away. My arms also felt heavy, tingling, and numb. I had to reach over to my bedside table and have a drink and it still took awhile to settle it down. I wonder if I accidently inhaled a feather from my pillow or something? Or maybe I was coming out of another seizure or something? I also notice a pattern before I have a seizure I’m also really restless,too, esp. my legs and I notice myself involuntarily flexing them in and out and feeling extra tired just prior. There’s a connection somehow…

The 15 YR old also got her first job! She had been volunteering at the mission store all summer but now the grocery store where the 17 YR old works hired her,too! She’s just so excited and happy to be making her own $$$ but it’s only part-time because school goes back soon and she has to concentrate on that first and can only work on weekends. The CNE also opened yesterday as well, a sign of the end of summer, and I always love going. When I lived in Toronto I’d go several times every summer and now when I go and I’m there and back in the city again I feel like the Old Me again with my Old Life where I was happy and I feel so free, so alive, so transformed, so renewed, so reborn. Going to the CNE and Christmas are still my 2 biggest clebrations and fave. days of the year.

I have drama as well: one of my Facebook friends was also so excited to be a first-time grandma to twins….until she found out that she’s actually not; a DNA test showed that her son is, in fact, actually not the father, so she’s not the grandmother, afterall! She’s so heartbroken. Imagine how her poor son must feel though? He was there for the birth and everything, thinking they were his babies. Holy shit, the poor guy! Someone’s a big ‘ho!

Iridescent.

Screenshot_1111 I am iridescent. Or at least I used to be. The Old Me, the inner me, the Gone Me. Inside I still am. Inside I still shine, I glitter, I am bright and shiny and loud. I’m brilliant and I glow. I am glamorous, I blossom and I bloom. I sparkle and I shine. I am glossy and multi-coloured. But the problem is that it’s stuck on the inside and the pain and trauma of my life keeps it hidden. It’s not able to shine. It can’t come out, express itself, be free, declare itself, let loose, shine, be magnificent, burst out, emerge, be seen, captured, or presented. It has been stifled, strangled, stomped on,blocked, hidden away, squashed, crushed, dimmed, diminished, put out, extinguished, dulled, tainted, darkened, held under, smothered, held down, held back, and trapped.It’s bursting to come out but it’s prevented.A lifetime of damage has held it hostage. It can’t be set free anymore; it’s forever hidden, never able to be let outside ever again.

racoonInTree My hubby also saw a raccoon last night out on the veranda at the garbage cans and then I saw this adorable cute baby one up in the tree and got this photo. I mean, how cute is this? I wonder if it’s the same one? They usually don’t come out until much later though, once it’s dark. The oldest also sent me an e-mail replying to my concern him and his brother are in a gang as my hubby had me panicking and worrying they were( they aren’t; he just wanted to upset me):

Hi.  We are coming home because a rival gang just ambushed us and burnt down our fortress.  We are bringing a few killers with us so you will be safe but we need you to please have Papa cut a hole in the basement wall so we can hide our loot.  Mostly it’s just cash, heroin, and a very valuable Staff of the Elder Tree with three sockets. After we get another tattoo we’ll be over.  See you soon.

Of all the kids he’s always been the one to make me laugh best. He’s always been outrageously funny.Our visiting cousins also went horseback riding and to Wonderland theme park and just as they were leaving got caught in a big storm with thunder, lightening and torrential rain. There were reports of funnel clouds as well and it makes me laugh to think that to them that we’d be considered the foreign relatives,too, when that’s how we see them. Like with everything, it’s all perspective!

Mr.Whiskers.

Screenshot_898 I have always loved reading, been a voracious reader, and been good at reading and I owe my love of books and reading to Mr. Whiskers. I will always remember Mr. Whiskers. It was the reading book I was the first to graduate to reading in my grade 1 class after completing the other book. I think it was actually supposed to even be a grade 2 reader from what I remember. I still remember the feeling of accomplishment of it, and of always being told by my teachers what a good reader I was, and always being called on to read aloud, and I always was able to read with ease and have always loved books and reading and I still do. Language has always been my strong point, probably explains why I’ve always been able to learn other languages with such ease. I also remember in grade 6 I did a reading marathon for charity and was one of the top ones in my class and I won a fuzzy pink tennis ball. I have now also passed on my love of reading to some of my kids and nothing beats an old-fashioned book, the feel and smell of it, holding it in my hands and turning the pages. I will never read an e-book or anything like that. I just love reading and I love books. We have so many books at our house the book shelves are actually overflowing!

Screenshot_897 We’re having a heatwave here and for the next week or so as well. Tomorrow it’s even supposed to get up to 35 C and feel like 45 C. I really wish the pool was working!! Yesterday was also a day I thought and hoped I might die,too, only I didn’t and am disappointed to find that I’m still here. I really had my heart set on it and I was excited and looking forward to it, sort of like the day you’re all set to leave for a trip and then as the day progressed and nothing happened and I felt fine(other than abdomenel pain and headache, the usual) I began to doubt anything was going to happen; it was just going to be another normal usual day, just like any other, although I still held out hope as I did still have until Midnight, but just my luck, nothing happened.Shit.

My mother had an adventure last night though in the middle of the night: she got up to go to the bathroom but didn’t put the light on as she doesn’t want to wake up and she somehow missed the toilet trying to sit down and slipped off and fell onto the floor, landing on her side and hitting her head and she laid there for quite awhile, wedged in and somehow stuck, until she was finally able to free herself and no one else was up and awake to help her. It reminds me of that commercial about the old people, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

The 15 YR old also got a parcel in the mail yesterday and it felt like a bunch of wires and I thought it was a bomb,and the lump under Buddy’s eye looks bigger today and it feels rubbery and hard, so maybe it’s a cyst, at least I hope that’s all it is and sometimes I get this uneasy feeling that he doesn’t have much time left; that he’s dying soon, and I hope it’s just a fear and not actual  reality, but just in case I’m making sure I do all the things he loves and enjoys with him and give him all his fave foods and cuddle him as much as I possibly can so he knows how loved he is and so that he can enjoy what time he does have left and that I can make his last days as happy as possible. I don’t even want to think of the possibility of losing him though, he means so much to me and loves me like no one else ever has and is the best friend I’ve ever had, and the only joy in my life.That little dog is my whole world. I just hope I die first, before him, that God grants me that mercy; I couldn’t bear to lose him. He’s really the only emotional support I’ve got.

Legalize it!

LegalizeWeed It’s official! The gov’t announced it: recreational weed will be legalized on 17 October! (It’s already legal for medical purposes, such as what I have and use it for). The date is significant too, at least for us, as it’s the day right in-between 2 of the kids’ birthdays; the oldest’s and the fifth child’s! Wasn’t that just so thoughtful and considerate of them to do it on that day? It was originally supposed to be on 1 July but you know everything with the gov’t always takes longer. Peter Tosh would be so pleased: it’ll be legalized! I can just imagine on 17 October this huge haze of smoke wafting over the entire country in unison!  😀

Screenshot_809 They said on the news as well this country will only be the second country in the world to legalize it(after the Netherlands) along with several U.S states. Usually we’re one of the last to do or get anything and always lag behind other countries in progress and availability of goods and services so it’s a surprise that this time we’re actually one of the first. Soon you will be able to go to dispensaries anywhere and buy it(and in Newfoundland they will even be selling it in the grocery store, so you can pick it up at the same time along with your bread and milk), although they will still be controlled and regulated by the gov’t(and only by certain approved gov’t issued growers and suppliers) because Big Brother always has to interfere with, oversee and control everything in our lives, Nanny State that it is. Free the ganja!

As well, yesterday my hubby had to go to Toronto for work( he’s already started his new job!) and he was gone all day and I never even saw him all day and it was a nice break for me and much less stress with him not here, other than the 11 YR old who had this major blind rage screaming and melting down(even threatening to kill everyone!) being told he had to help the other kids clean(since it is their mess , all their toys and crap all over the place) in preparation for moving(he’s been so pampered and spoiled by my mother he doesn’t think he should have to do any work) and the other kids call it his Autistic  Freak-outs, and one thing I actually will miss about the country(even though I’m glad to be moving back to a city again) when we move is the nice country smell in the summer; the smell of wildflowers, clover, and milkweed. It always reminds me of the cottage when I was a kid and brings back happy childhood memories.

I also think the neighbours next door must have a kennel, or more likely, a puppy mill, knowing them, as every time anyone goes near their driveway area you can hear all kinds of dogs barking like crazy and it sounds like there’s so many, like at least a couple of dozen of them and they sound like they’re all different sized dogs,too, common in a puppy mill,various breeds, and equally suspicious is even though I often hear all the barking(and the 23 YR old said he’s heard it as well so I know I’m not hallucinating or imagining it) I’ve never actually seen any of the dogs, never seen any of them running out in the yard or being taken out for a walk; it’s like they’re all being hidden away inside…. I wonder…

SayWhat It’s one of those things that makes you go……hmmmmmm….

 

Holy Shit, Our Old House!

OldHouseNow

This photo appeared in the Toronto Star newspaper following the massive storm the other day(we got 29 mm rain in just 20 minutes and 90 km wind) and when I saw it I exclaimed, That’s my old house! It never gave the exact address but I recognized it right away. It just has a few changes(new windows at the front livingroom and brick border along the lawn) over the past 35 years or so but I’d recognize it anywhere and in the news article it did say it was in the Upper Beaches area which was where we lived and on the TV news they said the worst of the storm damage hit Gerrard and Woodbine Sts and that’s our old neighbourhood so it must be! When I look closer at the photo in more detail the garage at the back and the neighbour’s next door is the same as well so it must be our old house!

When we lived there(the house was 85 when we lived there) my mother and I always wondered if and when that big tree in the front of the house might come crashing down one day onto the house during a storm…..well, it looks like it finally has, along with tearing up the entire lawn with it. I showed my mother this photo and she agreed that it sure looks like our old house and she thinks it is too.It was the strangest thing though, to see my old house in the newspaper, and to see what happened to it after that big storm. Hopefully whoever lives there now has insurance that will cover it. When we moved I know a doctor bought it but I don’t know who might have it now; I’m sure it must have gone thru a few owners since 1984 when I left.

As well, the 15 YR old starts her new job today but it’s not actually a job technically since it’s volunteer. It’s working at a thrift store(I call the Peasant Store) that sells second-hand stuff run by Bibles For Missions, and I hope she likes it and it will be good for her; good for her to get out and socialize, good for her confidence and hopefully help in her recovery which is going really well, and I transplanted my sunflowers outside into the garden and I hope they take root and grow strong and survive and don’t end up trampled by the raccoons, dug up by the squirrels, eaten by the birds or bugs, etc.and my hubby told me the second-oldest wants to get a motorcycle and has ever since she was 16. I remember when my friend G used to take me out for rides on his motorcycle when I was 21. It was so much fun, so exhilarating and I just loved it.My mother’s MRI is also booked for the third week of July and she laments, I don’t think I can hold on that long….. and maybe also by then it will just  resolve and heal up by itself and there won’t even be anything left to show up on the MRI so she still won’t find out what’s causing her pain!

My hubby also chewed me out because I forgot to put the oven mitt back in the kitchen when I took it into another room to carry hot food even though I’m the one busy doing all the cooking, laundry, washing dishes, doing garbage and recycling, etc. while he does nothing around the house so if it really bothers him that much then he can put it away himself, or else he can do all my  work instead while I take the time to put the oven mitt away, the bastard! It’s like he looks for every little thing he can find to criticize me and put me down for, to pick apart and tear me apart and he jumps at every single thing I do wrong or forget in order to mock, berate and demean me. He also had the kids clean their mess in the rec-room preparing to move and they’re throwing everything out, even perfectly good toys and clothes that could be donated to the less-fortunate and it makes me sad; we spent good money on them and they just throw them out? Things should be divided into 3 piles: throw out, keep, and donate, but they just blindly throw everything out(because it’s faster and easier) without even checking to see what it is or who it belongs to.

Sunflowers.

IMG_1380[1] Now it’s the long weekend in May and safe from frost traditionally I planted the sunflower seeds for my garden this year. I hope they work though and the birds don’t eat the seeds before they have a chance to grow. I have them poolside, leaning up against the fence. I’m looking forward to it so I hope they work, and I put an entire pack of seeds in, allowing for likely half to die so we’ll see how many flowers I end up with and if I die before they bloom in late summer then every time my family sees them they can remember me by my sunflower garden.Every time they see the sunflowers they can think of me.

We also had a BBQ and if today is my last day alive I had a good day; I planted sunflowers, I smelled lilacs; I spent it outside with the 11 YR old who was bouncing on the trampoline and when I took Buddy out for his walks the lilacs were out on the neighbours’ and I could smell their sweet fragrance every time I went by and I love the rhythm of the neighbourhood as I go on our walks too and don’t want to move. The girls tried to cut my hubby’s hair too only they forgot to put the clipper on the razor so now he has some bald patches(it’s really noticeable too but he can always wear a hat for a couple of weeks until it grows back in) and when I came home from church yesterday and got undressed I noticed I’d worn my blouse inside-out the entire time, but it was one of those gauze, flowy, embroidered “Peasant” blouses so it sort of looks the same way either way so hopefully no one even noticed…

Cupcakes The 16 YR old also baked these “sundae” cupcakes and most people thought they were too sweet but that’s the point. Buddy and I loved them. I also heard this song on my radio last night when I was in bed from The Who (one of my fave. bands) I recognized from when I was a kid and it brought back happy nostalgic memories and I wanted to get it for my iPod only I didn’t know the title and only remembered a few words from the lyrics this morning when I got up and they have literally hundreds of songs so it was really hard trying to find it and then the inspiration just suddenly popped into my head, Check under Pete Townshend…. as he was the main writer for most of their songs…..and sure enough, I found it! It was actually one of his  solo songs, and not from The Who as such, which was why I was having so much trouble finding it before as I was checking under the band name. The name of the song is Let My Love Open The Door, BTW, in case you were wondering.

I also see the gastro doc this week and he’ll have answers to my tests such as the scan to see if I do have blocked bile ducts or any other liver issues and if the genetic test came back positive for the liver enzyme that also affects the lungs so hopefully I’ll have some answers but I fear it’ll be the same as always; they’ll say that all the tests came back normal and still no explanation for my symptoms and pain…then the week after I see the cardiologist, the handsome Egyptian guy and I will be nervous and awkward for that app’t because he’s just so hot and I’ll be distracted and it’ll be hard for me to be able to concentrate on what he’s saying to me when all I can think about is how much I want to f*ck him and imagining kissing every inch of his glorious bronzed body….oh, my God…..

 

Rebel.

trillium I knew the answer  to a question they had to a call-in contest on the radio: What is the official flower of Ontario? – the trillium.(seen here). I will never forget it and will always remember it as it is connected to one of my first acts, if not, the first act, of rebellion against authority. I remember how during a nature walk in the woods once at camp the counsellor explained to us all the various different trees and plants and pointed out trilliums saying how they’re the official provincial flower and so on and how the gov’t made a law that it’s illegal to pick them……so, of course, me, being the little rebel that I am, and always was, guess what I did? When everyone’s backs were turned and no one was looking I discreetly bent down and plucked one up, smirking with satisfaction to myself, thrilled and empowered with my bold, courageous, rebellious act of sedition! This was my first(of many) show of defiance against the gov’t telling us what to do, making Fascist and often stupid laws, curtailing our freedoms, imposing upon our lives, and so I begun my life-long journey of civil disobedience( ha ha) just like that, with the plucking of a trillium flower; my first thumbing my nose at Big Brother,showing a sign of defiance and silent protest, beginning a long tradition of sticking it to The Man. 😀

I’ve always been a rebel.

The 15 YR old also has a birthday today and I hope and pray with all my heart that she has a good day esp. since, like me, ever since she broke, life has changed for her and she is a different person than she once was it’s hard now for her to be happy and the slightest thing sets her off. Losing the closeness and the loving relationship I once had with her(not my choice) is one of my biggest losses and regrets in life as well and when I really think about it, most of my regrets in life are all based on love, and loss of love, be it unrequitted love( I love people that never loved me back) or lost friendships( and the regret that they could never be mended again, even when I tried) or broken relationships( such as with my mother once I had kids, or with my kids once they got older and I got more traumatized and damaged over the years and they started hating me) everything is always about love and love is the main, and most important thing in life, and the loss of love is the most painful and most regretful thing.

We also figured that Patti must have tightened her Facebook privacy settings so that only her friends can see what she posts now since we’re not seeing any more new posts but there’s always still a way around it; there’s always another way, and I’m so slow now that even Buddy, who’s an old dog at 12, walks faster than I do. That really makes me feel old, as does realizing that many of my school friends are now grandparents and that many of my own kids’ friends they had as teens as now all grown up and are married and have kids of their own, and now instead of reading the birth notices in the paper to see if there’s anyone I know I find myself reading the death notices!

Funny,too: the 11 YR old made up a new word: he mixed up kilometres( which we use) with miles( that his school books use as it’s American) and he said kilomiles  and as I was lazing in the sun with Buddy it brought back a happy childhood memory of a simpler time,too; of  childhood summers of me at either the cottage or visiting relatives in the country, the adults all sitting out on the veranda talking and me laying on my stomach on the porch swing on the wooden country porch, still barefoot and in my bathingsuit, with one leg and one arm dangling down, still sweaty, sunburned, wet, and sandy from a day at the creek, gently rocking back and forth as the breeze blows past and the sun sets, enjoying the sights and sounds of wildflowers, fresh cut grass and the chirping of birds and cicadas in the lazy summer heat, just blissfully drifting away, no cares in the world, a perfect day, the perfect feeling, just the joy of life, the joy of living, the joy of life,and the love of living. I really miss that. I miss that feeling, that serenity, that joy.When life was good and worth living. When I used to be happy.