The Chair.

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I love this chair. It’s in one of the therapist’s offices at the eating disorders clinic we take the 14 YR old to. I just shrieked with joy when I saw it and quickly claimed it as my spot for the session. It brings back so many happy nostalgic memories of my childhood in the 70’s. This one’s either bamboo or wicker and the social worker said it was a gift from her husband and that he got it at Pier One Imports which makes sense since they’re known for their wicker furniture. The one I remember from my childhood that I liked to used to curl up in and fall asleep in was also round like this although I think it might have been plastic though although I can’t be sure, and the cushion was a bright orange, either velour or velvet, I can’t remember. I also remember my colourful bean-bag chairs as well that I had and loved. I don’t currently have room in my bedroom now, but I did make a mental note that if we do move again( and my hubby and mother are talking about it and thinking about it) I will buy myself another chair like this for my room, like I had all those years ago and loved. Awww….sweet memories…..

As well, my hubby got the new Google Home device( it links up with other electronics such as your phone, TV, etc.) and adds items to your shopping list, gives you information, turns on the TV and even puts specific stuff for you, gives you weather,plays games, etc. and he’s just like a kid with a new toy. He always has to have all the newest and latest electronics and tech gadgets as soon as they come out! Me, not so much. They’re too complicated for me and they just frustrate me. I don’t even have a cell phone. All I have are the computer and the iPod. The pool guys also can’t come back until next week to fix the pool and the green murky swamp really reeks and stinks like a sewer but my hubby tried(at my suggestion) and he was able to get the pump started so at least now the water’s circulating which should help and when they come back they can put the necessary chemicals in and get the ladder and railing put up. They estimated it’ll take 15 big jugs of “shock” ( liquid chlorine) as well as all the other usual opening chemicals to get it clean, clear, and blue again!

$$$$$$$$$$$….. money pit… pit…

The 18 YR old also went to her BFF’s graduation last night and today she left on the train to see her BF again and is going to be spending the long Canada Day weekend with him and going to the festivities at Parliament Hill in Ottawa which worries me as with the big 150th celebration I’m worried it might be targeted for a terrorist attack, with something like half a million people there, and they tend to go for large groups, like that concert and the soccer stadium….. also he’ll be teaching at the same Cadets camp as her as well(which is where they first met,too, at Cadets camp) so they’ll be together all summer,too, which I think is so romantic and sweet and even when she goes off to school to Ottawa in the fall he lives in a town not too far from Ottawa so they’ll still be able to get to see eachother alot.

The 2 boys in Edmonton also got new jobs, and in July the 14 YR old goes to performing arts camp in Toronto and my hubby said he’s staying in Toronto most of the month with her,too, staying at the second-oldest’s place, so it will also be a break for me,too, with him gone for pretty much an entire month and not here to belittle, demean, insult, or put me down,I’ll feel so free, and also a break for a month from having to plan, prepare, serve, and monitor the 14 YR old’s meals and snacks,too, which I’ve been doing, all on my own, for the past 3 months now and it is alot of work so a little break will be nice and most welcome and appreciated.

At the 14 YR old’s app’t the other day the NP also asked her if she likes Toronto and she said she does and the NP said she doesn’t and can’t wait to get out of there as soon as possible and my hubby agreed with her saying he hates the city and I said how I love it and miss city life; that I grew up there and had a life there, and I really miss it, and my hubby snarked how you can’t do anything there and I told him I did lots of things there; O’Keefe Centre, Massey Hall, Centre Island, CNE, great shopping, restaurants, festivals, and I love and miss the diversity and culture,etc… I’ll always be a City Girl…..and he’ll always be a redneck.

The Cake.

Screen Shot 06-23-17 at 03.30 PM 001 This is the birthday cake the 16 YR old made herself (with help from the 14 YR old) for her party and dance later tonight. It took her pretty well all day. It’s a few layers and both vanilla and chocolate cake.  It’s going to be one epic party,too, and she’s going to have 16 guests as well as the 14 and 18 YR old, and will be serving a meat tray, veggie tray, cheese platter, fruit tray, melted chocolate fountain fondue to dip marshmallows in, pasta, mashed potatoes, meatballs, salad, chips, candy, pop, the cake,etc.. this is going to be one that goes down in history! She is a diva though and always has to do everything in grand style!

I also have bad cramps (I’m seriously too old for this shit anymore!) and I think “Aunt Flow” is coming, so far a week late, and I took a chance and ate that ham that might have been outdated(what can I say, I live on the edge) and shortly after I ate it my stomach felt sick so I guess it was really rotten afterall, and I also tried camel meat! The 18 YR old had some and it was in a meat patty on a bun with a sweet sauce and it was actually quite good! I also found out she’d taken the train to go to her BF’s graduation; that’s where she was when no one would tell me, and I have no problem with it; I just like to know where my kids are and who they’re with and plus there’s also the safety issue too; you need to know where they are and where to look in case something happens or they go missing. She’s also going back up to see him for Canada Day and they’re going to Ottawa for the 150th festivities.

Screen Shot 06-22-17 at 08.21 AM This is also my fave. photo of myself, taken 10 YRS ago when I was 40, 2 months after I’d had my youngest child. It’s actually the only one where I don’t look too bad so that’s why I like it. Usually I look so hideous I break the camera but in this one I don’t think I actually look half bad and for me that’s really saying alot .Usually I look like either a troll or a drag queen which is why I don’t generally take many photos of myself and hate seeing photos of me. If I were ever to go on a dating site this would be the photo I’d use, ha,ha..holy shit though I’ve really aged since then due to stress….oh, my God!. We also have had lots of rain lately, incl. a big storm last night that woke me up at 1:20 am, incl. more flooding again. I don’t think it’s ever going to stop….I think I’m going to have to start building an ark pretty soon…I’m so tired of all this rain!

Things I’ve Learned.

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Things I’ve Learned:

  • It’s always the one you least expect
  • You can’t trust anyone
  • If it looks too good to be true, it probably is
  • First impressions are generally right
  • Trust your intuition
  • You will never have a friend as loyal and loving as your dog
  • Kids ruin relationships
  • You’re better off not having kids
  • Be kind always
  • Never pass by an opportunity
  • God still saw it, even if no one else did.
  • You can’t hide from God.
  • You can’t run away from yourself
  • The greatest success is making a friend out of an enemy
  • Never settle
  • If one door closes, another opens
  • God will either take it from you or help you thru it
  • It will happen if it’s meant to be
  • All things must pass
  • There will always be someone else better off, and someone else worse off
  • God loves you even if no one else does
  • Love is where you find it
  • God is love
  • Make love, not war
  • Hippo milk is pink
  • If you wet your hair before you go in the pool, it lessens the amount of chlorine absorbed by your hair.
  • A cat will explode if you put it in the microwave.( I didn’t actually find this out myself; my friend N told me)
  • Everyone deserves to be loved and to be happy
  • If it’s not your time, it’s not your time
  • Cannabis is a gift from God.
  • Ignore the haters
  • I never should have left the city
  • bullies are usually hurting in some way,too
  • Math makes my brain hurt
  • The angriest people are usually the most hurt
  • You can’t “fix” people, but you can love them while they heal themselves
  • All you can do is try
  • Leave it with God
  • Pray for others
  • Everything is beautiful in it’s own way
  • You’re never too old to dream
  • It’s never too late
  • People can change
  • Be forgiving
  • There are always 3 sides to every story: one side, the other side, and what really happened.
  • Eat your dessert first in case you sudden;y drop dead and never get the chance to enjoy it.
  • GO FOR IT!
  • Find joy in the little things each day.
  • Nothing real can be threatened
  • No one can control what you’re thinking
  • Nothing can change truth
  • Don’t go along with the crowd
  • Stand up for what’s right
  • Bullying leaves emotional scars as well as physical ones
  • Some things just can’t be fixed. There are storms we can not weather.
  • You can’t control other people.
  • Always keep promises
  • Do what’s right, even if no one else is doing it
  • Don’t be afraid to stand alone or to walk away
  • Think for yourself
  • Be yourself
  • You can’t help who you love but you can help what you do about it
  • There’s someone out there for everyone
  • Not everyone will like you and that’s ok
  • Consider where it comes from
  • Save up $$$$ before you buy something, don’t go into debt
  • Marry for love
  • If you lose hope, you die
  • Keep holding on
  • Don’t let go
  • Keep asking questions
  • Say thank you
  • The ones you love will hurt you the most
  • Keep swimming
  • Lions don’t care about the opinions of gazelles
  • God loves everyone
  • Betrayal is the worst kind of hurt
  • Be thankful
  • The gov’t isn’t here to help you
  • Dogs shed in spring so there’s going to be dog hair all over everything
  • Don’t look at, or even glance at, white trash even briefly, or they will always accuse you of staring and will beat you up. Just look down and away, averting your gaze entirely.
  • Learn to swim
  • Travel; it’s very enriching, and take your kids so they can see the world,too.
  • Give people the benefit of the doubt.
  • Hope for the best but expect the worst.
  • Trust has to be earned but can easily be broken and hard to gain back.
  • Mixing baby oil and iodine makes a great suntan oil
  • Things are not as they seem
  • Never let them see you cry
  • If you use it, put it back.
  • Deep down, we’re all the same.
  • Everyone just wants to be loved and feel valued.
  • Love is stronger than hate
  • Nothing exceeds like excess
  • Less is more
  • Bad things do happen to good people
  • It’s always the nicest people that get shit on
  • Don’t let others think for you
  • Music is life
  • I’m happy for anyone who finds love
  • God has a plan for everyone
  • There’s always another chance
  • You can always start again
  • Always compare prices
  • Capture the small moments because one day they will become special memories
  • Stick it to The Man
  • Something better is coming
  • You can tell how they really feel about you by the way they treat you.
  • We all have to pay for the important things in life
  • The past will eventually catch up to you
  • The truth will always come out eventually

Father’s Day.

Screen Shot 06-16-17 at 08.03 PM Today is Father’s Day. It has always been a hard day for me and a hard day for me to get thru. It’s a day that  feels like a slap in the face, was a stinging reminder when I was younger how I’m different, and now just rubbing in the glaring difference of how my kids treat my hubby VS how they treat me. When I was a kid it was always hard for me as in school we always had to make Father’s Day cards and gifts and I was the only kid who didn’t have a father, and it would always lead up to the inevitable questioning and pestering, Don’t you even know where he is? How can you not even know where he is? You haven’t seen him since you were 2 years old? That’s so weird! You mean it’s just you and your mother? Where is he now? etc.. and it always made me feel so awkward, so uncomfortable, so singled-out, so different. I would make the crafts along with my classmates and give it to my Dedushka (grandfather) but it wasn’t the same and it still made me feel really weird and out of place. I always felt different and like I didn’t belong, but this was a time it was even more obvious and stood out clearly, and it’s always been a hard day for me to get thru.

Now it’s still hard for me, but for a different reason. At our house they always make such a big deal out of Father’s Day and heap the praise on my hubby and fawn all over him, so much so it’s sickening, and the kids do make cards for him (they said he threatens them if they don’t that he won’t drive them anywhere. I don’t know whether or not he really did, or if they just said that as an excuse) for Father’s day (despite saying that they don’t make cards anymore when I asked why they never make me cards) even though they never do for me for Mother’s Day, which barely even gets a mention,and most of the kids never even bothered to say Happy Mother’s Day! either and never even made cards, yet for him it’s a big deal and practically a national holiday, which doesn’t go unnoticed by me, rubbing it in how they clearly like him more than they like me, and it does hurt. I do wonder if they even purposely over-do it just to rub salt into the wounds so to speak, to make me feel even worse, and to make clear my “place” in this family, which is at the very bottom. I’m an outsider in own family. I’m always on the outside looking in.

Today for Father’s Day dinner some of us had chicken from Swiss Chalet and others had Chinese food. Guess which one I had? I ordered chicken Lo mein from the Chinese place; I don’t like Swiss Chalet; they don’t cook their chicken well enough and I don’t like their sauce. I like St. Hubert chicken in Quebec and they have the best sauce,too!So half of us had the chicken and the other half that doesn’t like Swiss Chalet had the Chinese food and by picking it up instead of delivery we saved 10%!


Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 07.11 PM 001 It’s been really hot here the past few days, and I do mean sweltering, 30 C with the humidex 37 C or higher. It’s even hotter than it was in Cuba because of the humidity. I like it hot and sunny, but not humid, which is too hot; it’s oppressive and unbearable. When it gets like this the air also feels so “thick” I find it hard to even breathe and I often feel like I’m going to pass out. I like the temperature/heat like in California, warm but not humid, but not like in Florida where it’s really humid. It’s nice in the Caribbean,too, it’s hot but not humid due to the fact that it’s surrounded by water on all sides being that they’re all islands.

As well, now the 14 YR old’s going to the eating disorders clinic every 2 weeks instead of every week and when we were there yesterday( our last weekly app’t) on the elevator my hubby didn’t look where he was going and backed up and stepped on my foot and never even apologized either so I said, Watch it! but still instead of just saying sorry he blames me and goes, You should move further back! and so I said to him, If it were someone else you stepped on, I’d hope you’d at least say “sorry” to them and not “move to the back! You’re so rude! Just showing once again how he has zero consideration for me and he was condescending to me and put me down in front of the behaviour therapist too and she gave me this sad, sympathetic look, but at least she knows how he treats me and now other people see too how I’m emotionally abused; I have witnesses, it’s not just me saying so! He obviously doesn’t see anything wrong with it,either since he even does it in front of other people!

The NP also asked what’s the best treatment for anxiety and I blurted out Prozac! and she gives me this look and says, No……Cognitive Behaviour  Therapy! but she’s never been a big “fan” of medication though even though sometimes you really do need it, such as with me; I have a chemical imbalance and no amount of this psycho-babble mumbo-jumbo will fix a chemical imbalance; only medication can do that, and the 14 YR old was saying she’s still having trouble sleeping and they still wouldn’t give her anything for it except said to keep up with her “therapy techniques” and try melatonin, a natural treatment, and it made me mad; if she needs medication to sleep, to feel better,and to help with her obvious depression, then what’s the problem? It’s better than being suicidal, and I know what it feels like and I don’t want her suffering like that,esp. needlessly, and if medication may help her why not at least try it instead of  all this nonsense, esp. since it’s most likely genetic….

The social worker also asked the 14 YR old about reading and asked her if she likes the Harry Potter books and she said no, and she kept pressing, like she wanted her to try and she kept saying no, not interested, and I informed her, They’re occult and glorify witchcraft; we don’t get involved in that and she looked taken aback and then asked my hubby Do you  agree with this too? and of course he jumped at the chance to make me look like an idiot, to embarrass me, the only one, and he said, No, just her, I watched all the movies! so I added, But he’s a godless heathen and doesn’t care!  but at least she’d also get to see how he was so quick to leave me flapping in the wind all on my own like that, how eager he was to sell me out, to show no support, and he’s like that with everything and he never has my back or supports me and has such little regard for me that even in the van he hogs up all the cup holders for his drinks so I have no place( in the passenger seat up front) to put mine; it doesn’t matter, big things or little things; he jumps at every opportunity to put me down, to discredit me, to belittle me, to dismiss me, to devalue me, etc. and meeting him was my biggest regret in life and the happiest day in my life will be the day I finally divorce him.

I also wish I was the Old Me again. She knew how to smile. She used to laugh and have fun. She used to be happy.

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I saw this really cool car(just like this one) in a local car lot for the longest time as well and fell in love with it. This is the perfect car for me. I just love it and if I could drive this would be the car I’d get: 2016 blue Mustang with black stripe. It’s just so me. My foot’s getting better now,too, it looks smaller, not as red anymore and starting to scab over. It also concerns me the way the kids have no regard for God, Jesus, or religion, anymore,and the 14 YR old, for instance, refers to God as an invisible sky-daddy  and doesn’t even think He’s real and thinks I’m stupid for believing in something you can’t prove, and makes fun of my faith, they all do, my hubby and mother included, even though I did raise the kids godly and righteous…..I don’t know what happened…..they got indoctrinated by the world I guess and turned away from their faith and it breaks my heart but I pray every day that they come back…


Cuba, Part Two.

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Today I took photos but with my iPod( so I don’t have too many as it quickly got full) as we couldn’t find the Fuiji camera battery recharger or the memory card; we found the old Nikon and Canon ones but they don’t fit and those old cameras are long gone. I don’t think there’s anywhere to re-charge my iPod either so my music will run out, and my shaver doesn’t fit into the outlet as it s a 220 volts here (ours is 110) so the outlets are a different size so I can’t shave my head this week! Today I also spend 3 HRS at the beach and luckily I already have a tan to begin with, unlike most other newcomers, who are most likely facing their first major sun exposure and are getting all red, burned, and peeling, and I’m so dark now I look like an Indian! I’m also so glad that I lost 42 pounds earlier,before I came here in my bathingsuit at the beach( although I’m still fat, only now a baby hippo instead of an adult-sized one) but there still are others even fatter than me, and wearing bikinis,too (ugh! There are some things that you just can’t un-see) and as they lay around in the sun it keeps bringing up images in my mind of walruses sunning themselves on rocks. At least I have the dignity to cover it up in a one piece.

The resort’s nice,too, a bunch of bungalow villas on a compound  with tropical gardens but the mosquitoes are really bad here , unlike other islands in the Caribbean I’ve been to where there was no issue, and I keep getting eaten alive so I’ll probably end up with the Zika Virus, or something! They have a spa as well I’m going to check out later, and my room’s big , with a writing table and mirror, couch, chair, tub, and even a terrace I can sit out on in a yard, and embarrassing as well: I was laying down on the bed topless, cooling down, and in walks the maid and saw me in all my glory, and we both shrieked and I quickly covered my chest with my arms and she gasped and ran out….I don’t know who was more embarrassed……me……or her!

I also watched 80’s videos on TV which was nostalgic of my teen YRS,  I saw little salamandars scurrying across rocks,  and I rested in the shade under a palm tree when it got really hot: 33 C! I’ve also never said Hola! or gracias! so much in my entire life, and there’s so many different paths and areas here too that I keep getting lost and  I aways end up at the wrong place…..shit…. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to find my away around ok without getting lost? I feel like like an old dementia patient with Alzheimers. The food is also buffet although they do have a couple of restaurants as well but I’m not sure if you have to pay extra for those( and I won’t because I’m poor and I’m cheap) and you need to make reservations for anyway and it’s easier to just walk in when you feel like it and my theory is if it’s a hassle then it’s not worth the hassle.