The Baboon And The Epic Party.

Screen Shot 11-15-17 at 06.20 PM 001 The other day the 14 YR old came to me and said the 16 YR old didn’t believe her when she told her the story of the Baboon and the Epic Party. She thought that she was making it up and that it sounded like something from out of a movie and I confirmed that yes, it really was true and it really did happen and that we weren’t making it up. You see, the Baboon (I named him that) was this obnoxious neighbour we had when we first moved to Ottawa. He wasn’t even really our neighbour but rather his girlfriend(they were both highschool teachers) and her 2 sons were actually, but he was always over there and stayed overnight( what a “great” example she was setting for her kids, huh?) and he had this van that always leaked oil only instead of parking it in her driveway the asshole would always park it in front of our house leaving a big oil stain behind. At first we’d asked him nicely to move it and not park there but he refused and just continued to get more obnoxious, so my hubby and I decided to take matters into our own hands….

They would also purposely slam doors and run around really loudly early in the morning to annoy us ( there was a wall the 2 houses shared) waking us up early every morning( so I would phone them in the middle of the night and wake them up and then hang up to let them know how it feels) and we could even hear them f*cking every night too, the bed banging against the wall;it was so gross, they were sooo obnoxious and annoying, so to discourage him from parking on our property we gave him a little “incentive” to go park elsewhere: my hubby would undo the valves on the tires of his van (I dubbed the Baboonmobile) and let the air out.He also stuck nails in the tires. He did this on numerous occasions but the stupid f*cker still never got the hint, so when he’d park there  and leave his window open we’d toss in a sticky cup of cola,or turn our lawn sprinklers on, and we’d stick peanut butter sandwiches on the windshield and headlights ( a Baboonmobile sandwich) and they’d throw eggs at our house so we’d put them in their mailbox, along with a big rat trap……and so on and on it went….it was war.

Then one day the losers decided to move( yay!) so on that day we threw this epic party in celebration and  to bid them farewell and good riddance. We invited all our friends over and rocked the house. We had the music blasted and blaring so loud it shook both our houses. We used the backyard fence dividing the properties as a net and played badminton, my friend J peed on their doorstep(and gave my dog a bowl of beer and he was staggering around, drunk), my hubby put his licence plate on backwards, we had made and erected a big sign that read, Farewell Losers! and when they finally did move away he made some smart-ass remark to us and a friend of his that was helping him move just gave him this incredulous look, as if he was thinking, What’s wrong with you,man? like he thought he was the biggest asshole on Earth, which, of course, he was. We’d expected they’d call the cops during the party,too, but they didn’t. They didn’t have the nerve. In fact, we didn’t hear one peep out of them all night.


True story. Honest-to-God. It was in the late 1980’s when I was prego with my first child. So that’s the story of the Baboon and the Epic Party. As well, the 14 and 16 YR olds wanted to give Buddy a bath so I let them as long as they didn’t dye, crop, dock, shave, or cut anything, but they forgot to dry him and he came back dripping wet so I had to take him back upstairs and blow-dry him, and the college teachers rejected the latest offer and the strike’s been going on for 5 weeks now so the provincial gov’t’s going to legislate them back to work, which they should have done a long time ago. This has gone on long enough. Enough of this shit. If it goes any longer the students are going to lose their semester! What they should also do is fire every one of those greedy bastards that are holding the kids’ education “hostage” and hire new teachers that will grateful to even have a job!



Screen Shot 11-06-17 at 08.14 AM My hubby got quite  a surprise when we went to pour himself a bowl of cereal: there was a live mouse in the cereal box, as you can see here if you look closely. I know it’s hard to see in the photo but you’re looking down, into the cereal box from the top, and the mouse is the dark thing in the top upper left corner.You can see his pointy nose and head sticking out. He announced his find to me like this: We have to get mouse traps again! and when I asked How do you know? he showed me! When it gets cold for the winter the field mice start to come indoors to keep warm and we get them in our kitchen cupboards and find them, or evidence of them( such as chew marks or their little shitties) usually nibbling on our cereal boxes or Pop Tarts in our house every winter. In the summer it’s ants. The pests tend to be seasonal but the kids are all-year long.

The 14 YR old also said that she has a baby bat in her room, and when my mother and I were watching the news and when the redneck sports came on and she groaned, Oh, not this again! and told me to Just turn it off and put the time back on! and the 14 YR old heard and said, But I thought you (said) you liked sports? but in actual reality she doesn’t any more than I do; we both think it’s a meaningless waste of time and low-class and we mute it when it comes on the news; she just tells my hubby what he wants to hear when he said she doesn’t mind it and she didn’t deny it even though she actually hates it and the 2 of them always stick together and back eachother up,no matter what, like a couple of villians always scheming, plotting and teaming up together all the time.

Funny as well: the eating disorders clinic tells us how we have to increase fats in the 14 YR old’s diet such as by adding butter and sour cream even if I have to sneak it in and hide it in food,making her paranoid now and she hates, so when she went to eat out at a restaurant and a waitress asked (I presume for the potato) if they wanted butter or sour cream with that she was horrified and she goes, What, are they trying to force it onto everyone now? and she said the story of my little toy zebra makes her cry as well which I found touching and reveals her tender side; it’s about how when I was in Kindergarden I lost my little toy zebra in the snow one day walking to school and every day I would keep looking for it on the way to school, hoping I would find it and even once spring came, after the snow had melted I still kept looking, hoping that one day I would still find it but I never did. I still remember it though. It’s weird some things you never forget.

Our scale is broken so there’s no way to know for sure but by the way I look and feel now I would guess I have gained back 10 pounds probably of the over-50 pounds I’d lost over the past few months without trying either way. The only difference was having the colon polyp removed. I just hope that the rest of the weight doesn’t also come back though as it’s nice being, well, I wouldn’t say thin again, but not fat anymore,either, and I’d like to stay this way, yet at the same time once I gained back a bit of the weight I could actually feel different, it felt more like me, like my I had almost lost my cover, my shell, my protective layer, my insulation, and once a bit of it came back I felt like I was back in my own “skin” again so to speak. I looked and felt more like myself.



My Day.

Screen Shot 10-31-17 at 12.55 PM

Yesterday I had a nice quiet relaxing day to myself with my hubby and the kids ( except for the 10 YR old and the 23 YR old) away in Toronto all day. I didn’t have to think about planning, preparing, or supervising meals, I didn’t have to keep track of or watch the clock or worry what time it was, I didn’t have to stick to any schedule; I could just do whatever at whatever pace I wanted without having to always think ahead of what I have to do next and how much time I have left until I have to start planning ahead to that.  It’s too cold and rainy now to be able to be outside anymore but I had a nice quiet day inside hanging out with my dog. I also cut my hair,read,  watched The Blacklist and Criminal Minds and had a nice long relaxing bath. It was just the perfect day I needed to take time off my usual schedule and not have to think, plan, prepare, schedule, watch the clock, or do anything. I didn’t even have to think. I had all the free time I wanted and no rush. It was also quiet and just a perfect day to unwind and de-stress. All I had to do was walk the dog.

At the clinic the other day one of the therapists also kept saying how much she just loves my new tie-dyed socks (seen in the photo here) so I gave her the link where she can order it online and the 14 YR old scoffed, She doesn’t really like your ugly socks! She was just being nice! but if that was the case then she’d never have to say anything at all, not even mention it, and we’d told the kids how in therapy we were told not to name-call or insult so the 10 YR old called me Hey….not smart person….. I told him I thought we weren’t supposed to be mean and name-call? he replied, I didn’t call you stupid although later on when I told him to get back and do his math he did call me stupid and retard and then he started freaking out when Buddy was barking at him defending me when he was yelling at me and the dog saw him as aggressive, as a threat. At least my dog loves me.

I’ve also been waiting over a month for my hubby to pick up my coconut oil when he was near the store that sells it and he finally got it and then told me that he actually did have it all along; that he got it before but just kept it all this time making me think he didn’t pick it up, just to make me wait, to watch me squirm and stew, to prolong my wait and watch my reaction as time goes on, playing with me, mind games, and the like, ( but in this case I’d just given up and got baby oil for my moisturizer instead thinking I was never going to get the coconut oil)and they always do things like this with me and then wonder why I get so pissed off.  The college faculty is still on strike,too,and it’s been 3 weeks so far, and the 23 YR old’s GF has been staying here with us during the strike since she has no classes anyway. I just hope they don’t lose their semester or their year…

The shitty way my family treats me and how much happier I am when they’re not here (such as when they go away or I do) makes me think of how much easier life would be without kids,and the way they always mindf*ck me, twist everything around all the time, blame me,and all the games they play with my mind (I still don’t know for sure if I’m being poisoned or not) also makes me wonder at times if maybe I am the problem and maybe there really is something wrong with me(but then others validate me and reassure me it’s them that’s the problem and not me, that I’m the victim of abuse) and they’ve broken me so hard I’ve lost sight of who I really am and getting away from this toxic situation looks more appealing all the time.Sometimes their emotional abuse gets so bad I think I’m going crazy and I don’t know what to think or what to believe anymore or what’s real and and I can no longer tell fact from fiction and lose sight of reality causing me to basically just drop out of life. I’ve had enough. I can’t keep doing this . I really need and appreciate when I get My Day, giving me back a little slice of life the way it used to be.

The Indian.

Screen Shot 10-28-17 at 07.03 PM I still remember when I was in grade 7 and we had an assignment in shop class. (Yes, they had this “progressive” idea that both boys and girls had to take both shop class and home Ec)I hated wood class, just detested it( but it was better than metal class; that was even worse!)  but at least we got to choose what item we carved out and got to design for the project and I chose a Mohawk Indian head.  It looked very much like the one shown here except I also burned into it a face and other features with some kind of wood burning iron that looked like a thin screwdriver. Then when it was done I drilled a small hole in the back to hang it on the wall.

You might ask,Why choose an Indian? Of all the choices most people would choose some sort of animal, flower, car, cartoon character, etc.. what an unusual choice but I’ve always been political, a social activist, a Marxist( even as a kid) and stood up against oppression and injustice so this was my little way of showing solidarity and support for the Native People, and speaking out against the cruel and inhumane way they are being treated by the gov’t , like second-class citizens living in a Third-world country. This was my little way of drawing attention to their plight and showing that I’m thinking about their cause, that it’s important, worth honouring and showcasing.  Even when I was little, for as long as I can remember, I have always been very socially and politically minded; I have always been a little Marxist, even when I was a kid, even in the games I played, the stories I wrote, the pictures I drew, the art I created, the projects I did, the essays I wrote, the articles I’ve had published, the posts I post, the way I vote, etc. it’s just a part of who I am.

The Indian Head is long gone now and I’m sad about that. I had it for the longest time with all the moves and the fire it got lost somewhere along the way and I have no idea what happened to it or where it is now but it turned out very well and I got a good mark on it and was very proud of it, esp. since I struggled in shop class. I still carry the memory of the Indian with me, and the meaning attached to it and I continue to carry the struggle of the Native People in my heart and defend human rights.

Original Due Date.

Screen Shot 10-11-17 at 08.08 AM Today was the original due date for my first child 28 years ago. October 12…..only labour didn’t begin until 3 days later, on the 15th and he wasn’t born until 4 days later, on the 16th. I’ll never forget that day though; October 12th. It’ll always be imprinted in my memory forever, like a brain tattoo, forever etched on my mind, a day I eagerly anticipated and looked excitely ahead to for 9 months,and then a day that came and went….and as each day,each hour passed, I would get increasingly nervous, When it is going to happen? Is this baby ever going to come out? It seemed to last forever and I was just so eager to meet him and, to tell you the truth, at that point at the end of the pregnancy, just so desperate to get him out (I would have taken him out myself with salad tongs if I could!) I was trying everything from drinking castor oil, going for a bumpy car ride, to having sex….what’s taking this kid so long,anyway? I’m so done being pregnant….

…..but then one day, on the early morning of the 15th, around 5 am, my first contraction begun,and I was on my way at long last,and at 4 :47 the next morning, on the 16 th I became a mother for the first time,and against the odds he survived! Even though he was my first baby, our experiment,and we had no idea what we were doing and we were just “winging” it and just learned as we went along he survived and grew and came it thru it relatively unscathed(and he’s one of our more normal ones, or at least I think he is…) and now he’ll be 28 years old next week, but I’ll never forget October 12th. It was when he was originally supposed to be born.

As well, I saw this survey online how much $$$$ did you get for allowance as a kid and it reminded me: I used to get 20$ a week allowance yet now as an adult I’m put on a limit of 20$ a month “allowance” and this includes all my personal needs too such as shampoo, hair dye, tampons, deoderant, etc. whereas when I was a kid and a teen those were not incl. in my allowance; I didn’t have to pay for them, my allowance was just my extra spending $$$ but now I have to get all my needs out of it which is next to impossible and I realized that I had more money as a kid and teen than I do now. I’d also thought the diarrhrea was gone since the polyp was removed from my colon but now it’s back again, along with more bright red bleeding along with it, so maybe I do have colon cancer, afterall, then? I should get the biopsy results later next week….

I also had the recurring dream I often do of my last day of highschool and how free I felt, and how I just ran down the halls yelling, Freedom! I’m free! I never have to come back to this place ever again! what a feeling of pure freedom I felt, like I could fly,and it makes me think that’s probably how I’ll feel when I die,too; free; freedom from this life, free from this toxic environment, freedom from this toxic family, free from this physical body, free to soar, free to fly, free from anxiety, sadness, worry, fear, hurt, pain, rejection, free from depression, bi-polar, Asperger’s, free from self-loathing and self-hatred, free from being me,  just free….

A Rough Week.

Screen Shot 09-22-17 at 06.45 PM It’s been a really rough week, I mean really rough. So yesterday, even though it’s not my normal weed day I brought out my trusty bong and my last bud of weed I had left and had a few good hits, because, you know, sometimes you just need a little extra to get you thru days, or in this case, a week, like this, you need to just float away from life. First of all it was crushing to be told that we failed the eating disorders clinic and have it suggested we go elsewhere because the 14 YR old isn’t gaining enough weight like they want and expect, even though I’m doing everything they’d told us,and I’m trying hard, doing my best and putting my all into it, and it’s not easy,ad it’s taking alot out of me physically and emotionally, yet it’s still not enough.

Then, on top of that, I get my CT scan results which highly cause my doctor to suspect cancer, which is why he’s referred me to get the colonoscopy, and even though I want to die and have been ready to die for years it’s still heavy to face the fact that you likely have cancer, which is never an easy thing to hear or face, and then to realize something’s wrong with Buddy,too, as he’s been acting strangely for days and I fear he might be dying….it’s all just too much, and all at once. Just in case though, I’m keeping him close by me all the time, as I don’t want him to wander off and hide somewhere and die alone; I want him with me plus I want to spend as much time with him as I possibly can while he’s still here, and to make what may be his last days special I gave him chicken and beef, a treat, which he ate eagerly so his appetite’s still good which is a good sign, but when he goes for walks now he can only go half way and then he just sits down and won’t budge and I have to carry him the rest of the way home. I can’t bear to lose him though, he’s my best friend, the only light and joy in my life, the only one who loves me, and if I lose him I’ll have nothing, no reason to get up in the mornings anymore, no one to love me, I’ll be lost and alone.I’ll miss not having him following me everywhere I go, greeting me excitedly at the door when I come home, licking me, snuggling with me on the couch, sleeping next to me in bed, going for our walks, always by my side….he’s such a big presence in my life. ♥

They also called yesterday about my colonoscopy(that was fast!) and I get it in just 2 weeks and they said my case was marked as very urgent! and they wanted to do it as soon as possible but originally they had it booked for the same day as the 14 YR old’s app’t (and her health and recovery is most important and comes first) and I said I can do it any day except the days she has her app’t’s so I got it for 2 days later. I was really high when they called too so it was complicated and confusing trying to navigate thru the call with my mind not working and trying to book a date as I didn’t even know what month it is now, and, in fact, I somehow thought it was March! They’re going to mail me an info pack beforehand with instructions I apparantly have some regimen I have to follow before I assume to clear me out so I don’t have any shit all up in there blocking their view,and luckily I will be asleep when they do it( like I was for the endoscope I had before) so I won’t remember any of it,and they said they do use different tubes up people’s asses than they use down people’s throats,not the same one, thank God!

It’s still really warm like summer too and will be for another week, so that’s like 3-4 weeks of summer, like the summer we didn’t get in August, so it’s like August and September switched places and it’s even going up to 31 C and 32 C this weekend with the humidex around 40C! Now it’s actually hot enough to swim,too, except we already closed the pool! When I was sitting outside something weird happened as well: all of a sudden I could smell Babushka, that is, the smell I remember every time I’d smell going to her house or when she’d sit close to me, I could actually smell it, her scent, even though she’s been dead for 12 years. It was the strangest thing, but very nostalgic and comforting. I hope when I die that she’s the one that meets me in Heaven,too, if I have the choice, but maybe they’re assigned, I don’t know…the only bad thing though if I die soon is I’ll never know how The Blacklist  ends once the series is over.

Back To School!

Screen Shot 09-05-17 at 07.43 AM Yesterday was back to school, except for the 14 YR old who started her first day ( of highschool! She’s in grade 9 now!) today because she had her weekly app’t at the eating disorders clinic yesterday. Now we still have 3 kids homeschooling and 2 away at post-secondary, one in her 3rd YR of university, and one starting her first YR. As for the homeschooling, we have one in grade 9, one in grade 11,and one in grade 8. The first day went ok although we weren’t organized or ready; my hubby still hadn’t installed the highschool curriculum(which he ended up doing at the last minute) on the computers ahead of time and we still haven’t been able to find some of the curriculum or an answer book but they did what they could. The 18 YR old’s first day went well too and she even won tickets to her fave. band from some contest. They still have Frosh Week too like they did when I went there only I never participated in any of that as it’s a sort of meet-and-greet get-to-know you social interaction sort of thing and I’m not big on social events or on any of that “school spirit” stuff, which I always thought was dumb; I just go there to learn and then I come right home. I never did any of the after-school activities or joined any of the clubs,either; I couldn’t wait to get out of there every day!

I can still very vividly remember the fear, anxiety, worry,stress, and nervousness on the first day of school every year as well; it was so bad for me that I was actually sick to my stomach and I threw up. It was just brutal, just awful. My anxiety was just thru the roof. I could just feel the collective anxiety and nerves yesterday as well as all the kids headed back and so I said a prayer for them,and I still remember all the worries of a student well: Will I have a lab partner for science? Will I have someone to eat lunch with? Will I find a gym partner? What if I forget my locker combo? Will the bullies and bitches be in any of my classes this year? Will I get any of the mean teachers? Will I get lost or end up late trying to find my classes? Will any of my friends be in any of my classes? What if I don’t know anyone in my class? Luckily for my kids being homeschooled they don’t have any of these fears and they know what to expect every year so it takes alot of the pressure and worry off so they can just concentrate solely on their lessons.

As well, the 14 YR old entered an art contest and she won Second place, and on the way to the clinic I saw a car rolled over in a ditch by the side of the highway and it was upside-down on it’s roof(probably distracted driving like my hubby always does!!!!), and the therapist asked my hubby now that he’s stepped up and told the kids to treat me with more respect and they have which makes me feel better, how does that make him feel and he just shrugged, Indifferent, and they looked like they were taken aback by his cold reply, as it was so glaringly obvious that he doesn’t give a shit about me, and he said(talking about me) that the kids Still avoid me to avoid drama…sort of like how  try to avoid the lot of them to avoid conflict, too, and she said that the kids seeing us always fighting and in conflict is harmful to their development, etc… but in all reality though what family doesn’t argue, fight, have conflict, or discord though? No one is perfect, and everyone is dysfunctional in one way or another,and we all have issues and conflicts,and skeletons in our closet; it’s just human relationships,it’s just life.

The therapist also asked if we’re communicating any better with eachother, but the truth is that we hardly even see eachother, let alone talk to eachother; we just try to stay out of eachother’s way,and we each have our own separate lives and separate interests, and other than regarding the kids, rarely intersect. We’re sort of like room-mates that share living quarters but maintain our own separate spaces and lives and come and go separately and rarely inter-act or cross paths. I also try to use humour and joke around to try and relate to, connect with, and break down barriers with my kids but all they ever do is tell me to shut up, go away, or that I’m not funny,and my hubby rolls his eyes or face-palms in a dismissive way every time I try as well, and I pray that one day…one day….someone will come into my life that likes and appreciates my twisted sense of humour and finds it endearing….because it’s a part of me…..and will find it wildly entertaining, or at least half-way funny and amusing, or in any case at least not always be annoyed and put-off by it and insult it….

My abdomenal pain is also increasingly getting worse: now I’m having it constantly all day and the pain is generalized in the entire abdomenal region below my belly-button but is worse on the right side….I wonder what it is? My guess would be either kidney or liver failure, appendix, or some sort of tumour/ cancer lurking somewhere…..I see the internal medicine specialist this week though so we’ll see what he has to say…. a friend told me not to wait and to go to the ER but I only go if it gets so bad that I can’t stand up; then I know it’s something serious….there has to be something causing it though… well as my drastic 50 pound weight loss, persistant cough, extreme fatigue, seizures, fluid retention, etc… it’s a real mystery….