I came across these old photos of my from school and it brought back memories from that time. I can’t remember why I walked into a room, or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I still can remember when I was in grade 1, pictured on the left, and why my hair was so short: because I had it long, put up in 2 ponytails on each side and I played “barber” one day and cut them both off…..unevenly…..and my mother had to rush me to the salon for an emergency very short haircut. In the photo on the right I was in grade 2 and it was the time that I stuck my tongue to a frigid cold metal pole in winter to see if it would stick because my mother said it would and I didn’t believe her. She was right. Do you also notice both outfits I’m wearing are purple? It has always been my fave. colour, even as a kid.
Here I am in grade 3. I can still remember how much I really loved that dress I was wearing. This is also probably really only the cutest photo I have of myself, the only photo where I didn’t end up looking like a goofy kid. I discovered early as a kid if you want people to like you that you either have to be cute or funny and since I was never cute I tried to be funny by cultivating a sense of humour and making people laugh.
In grades 3 and 4. In the grade 3 photo I was wearing my mouse pin. I still remember that; it was one of my faves and actually came in a set of 2. There was a bigger mouse and a smaller one and they were both the Mother of pearl, irridescent reflection. In the dress I’m wearing in the grade 4 photo my Babushka made it for me. I’d wanted one of the Pioneer dresses that were the fashion of the day in the 70’s but my mother said they looked like rags and people would think I looked poor so I never got one of those but Babushka sewed me this long green one with the little flowers instead. It went all the way down to the floor and made me feel glamourous, like a movie star and I wore it on special occasions like my birthday, to a party, or for school photos.
The best year of all: grade 5. It was just a “magical” year of fun, friends, happiness, an overall fun, happy time I wish I could freeze a moment in time and just stay there forever. It was the best time of my life.
Grade 6. It was when we moved into our old house in Toronto, the one that would forever be the place that would always feel the most like Home to me for the rest of my life and where I have the best memories. It was also the last year of life as I knew it. My happy childhood and idyllic life would soon be over.
Grades 7 and 8: Jr. High: the 2 worst years ever where I was mercilessly bullied and my life-long battle with depression was triggered.2 of the longest years of my life.
Highschool: grades 9, 10, and 11. Still homely, still waiting for a boy to show interest and ask me out, still liking guys that never liked me back, still dreaming, hoping, fantasizing, still hoping I’ll somehow “outgrow” it and become better looking but I never did. I stayed out of trouble and spent my time studying….and where did it get me? It just felt like it was all for nothing, all that hard work and for what?
….and finally: grade 12! I graduated highschool and I was free! The last day of highschool I just felt so free. I imagine I’ll feel the same way when I die and am released from this physical body full of mental, physical, and emotional suffering and pain, and be released back to God who made me.Then I can fly, and soar, and be free, only forever, and no more suffering ever again; no more bullying, no more self-loathing and no self-esteem, no more stress, anxieties, worries, fear, loneliness, longing, regret, sadness, loss, emptiness, pain or hurt ever again.JUST LOVE AND PEACE.