The Laneway.

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This is a laneway next to the hospital parking lot and everytime I see it, it reminds me of my childhood growing up in Toronto because there are alot of laneways and alleyways in Toronto.  They are common things in big cities and I remember them well. I remember playing in them when I was a kid, I remember never going there at night or in the dark, because bad things come out at night, like the gangs, the pimps, the hookers, the drug dealers, etc. but during the day time laneways are places of great fun and adventure for a kid. You can ride your bike or skateboard down them, it’s a great place to play Hide And Seek, to run around, to play Tag, even badminton, although it always keeps getting interrupted every time a car could come thru.Sometimes you could even find some interesting things there as well…. Every time I see a laneway now it takes me back to my childhood and brings back so many happy memories. It reminds me of my happy childhood in the city and I miss it so much. I miss those days. I miss my childhood. I miss being happy. I miss the city. I miss living in the city. I miss the action , noise,and bustle of the city. I miss the diversity. I miss the culture.I miss the shopping. I miss laneways.

As well,the 22 YR old got his purple belt in jiu-jitsu, which he says is pretty close to a black belt in karate by the time it takes to earn it, so it’s like an eqivalent, and now he’s qualified to open up his own dojo. He’s been doing it for years, and now just brown and black belts left to go which will still take a few more years, and I thought I heard the 18 YR yesterday too but figured I was probably just hallucinating as I’d had weed….but it turned out it really was her; she’d come for a quick visit, and she’s home from camp for good on Friday, and she said alot of her friends think my hubby’s in the Mafia too having a large family and supporting them on one salary. Now that’s a hilarious thought….him in the Mafia? I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard. He’s such a weenie!

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 06.32 PM I also saw this picture the other day in an article about Down Syndrome and this girl looks exactly like Arabella, the girl I see in my dreams!! It just blew me away and I still wonder who she is and why she often shows up in my dreams, a future grandchild, perhaps, or perhaps one of my own 6 babies that I miscarried? I got the impression it was a very close relationship, like she was my daughter or something, or if not, at least a relative of some kind….. My mother said as well that No one gets married anymore but that’s not true, and, in fact, several of the oldest two kids’ former teen friends and friends from university are married now, and some even have kids, and even one of the 21 YR old’s former childhood friends got married last year,too, so I’m just not seeing it. My theory is this: the way I see it is if people are just living together and not getting married then they don’t want to commit and they’re not sure and this way they always have a “back-up” plan, an escape, in case someone “better”  comes along they have a way out, but if you love someone then you’d have no doubt and wouldn’t hesitate to get married. When you really love someone you just know, and what I want for my kids in life is to find love and happiness and to never settle or sell themselves short.

Buddy hadn’t been eating his food for awhile either and “told” me that he was tired of it so I tried a new kind…..and he gobbled it right up, so I was right, so now I just switched him over to the new brand, and it costs more but if it makes him happy it’s worth it, plus if he wasn’t eating the other one and it was just getting thrown out it’s a waste of $$$$ and he’s not getting anything to eat,either. The second-oldest is also in Mexico, I think visiting a friend who lives there and who just recently got married there, and my hubby apparantly didn’t have time to pick up my pills at the pharmacy ( and he has to do it because he’s the one with the insurance coverage from his employer and has to show the card) even though I’m running low and am almost out…..but he still did have the time to pick up the 18 YR old from camp for a visit and to take the 10 YR old to his activity…..just doesn’t have the time and can’t be bothered if it’s just something for me. I’m the lowest on the totem pole.

Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty.

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 07.54 AM Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty. That’s me! It was my alter ego I invented when I was a kid. She was a grown-up version of me and she was beautiful, strong, brave, confident,independent, courageous, lived in a castle and was married to a handsome prince, you know, the typical little girl fantasy. I don’t know where I got the Peacock Dynasty part from, I guess it just fell out of my imagination, maybe because peacocks are so pretty, perhaps? I would go into my head and become this character whenever I was sad or lonely, or when I felt afraid, self-conscious, vulnerable, bullied, etc. as it gave me the inner strength, afterall I was the Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty, I could do anything and I was strong and brave and fearless and nothing could stop me  and I was destined for great things. I was no ordinary kid. I was special. I was chosen. I was different than everyone else. I was a princess. Even sometimes now I still need to remind myself that I am Princess Of The Peacock Dynasty. I still need that reminder, that ego boost, to get thru. It makes me laugh to think about it now, but who knows…..it might just still work. In any case, it will lighten my mood when the days are dark.

As well, at the clinic yesterday the NP said it was a good call putting the 14 YR old on the Prozac, which was my idea all along, right from the beginning,and I had to practically twist their arm to finally get done, but she said she can see the difference it’s making too and it was a good idea to get her on it( yes, I know, and I’m just glad she’s starting to feel better) but she’s lost a bit of weight, likely due to all her physical activity lately( swimming, biking, walking) and she’s grown taller too so now her ideal weight has changed so now she’s 8 pounds underweight and we have to add stuff to her meals and increase her portions to get her weight up, since she had been gaining but now she’s more levelling off,and the therapist wasn’t there this week so no family therapy so I wasn’t stressed out and didn’t feel singled-out, ganged-up on, attacked, or blamed this week so I got a bit of a break! Yay!

I also saw some hollyhocks which I haven’t seen around in years and it brought back happy memories of my childhood, when I used to see them everywhere all the time, and I saw signs of fall already,too, even though it’s still the middle of August and summer’s not over yet: I saw a Monarch butterfly and some leaves turning orange! I’m feeling really sweaty again as well but I can’t tell if it’s just the hot weather or if it’s hot flashes with menopause,and whenever I ask if it’s anyone else or just me my mother always says it’s just me(even if it isn’t) because she’s too cheap and doesn’t want me to put the A/C on!!

I also think the guy across the street (who’s a highschool teacher) has hostages in his basement. He just seems to be this weird, solitary guy that keeps to himself and he lives all alone in that big brick house and never has any company and he never talks to anybody; he doesn’t even wave hi to any of the neighbours, and no one knows anything about him, and he’s super nerdy wearing a belt with suspenders and he’s balding and has glasses….just seems to be a really creepy guy and I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually did keep hostages down in his basement, you know, like on those CSI or Criminal Minds TV shows. It wouldn’t surprise me one day if police vans and the SWAT team swarm the place and arrest him and it’s all over the news how he’s kept people prisoner in his house all these years……either that or I watch too many crime shows on TV….  😀

My First Child.

Screen Shot 08-13-17 at 08.27 AM  I can’t believe that my oldest will be 28 in 2 more months.That’s older than me when he was born. I was 22, just 3 months away from turning 23. Here he is around age 14. It was a special experience raising him, partly because he was my first child so everything was new and it was a new and exciting adventure and also because he was such a good baby and a good little kid and so smart and so easy, so it was a joy raising him. I really enjoyed raising him and it was fun. I’m so lucky,and so glad, that he was my first. Others that followed some have been really difficult; difficult to feed, criers, screamers, fussy, defiant, destructive,colicky, …..but not him, even as a baby he would eat well, quickly, and with gusto, and go back to sleep and wake up right on time for his next feeding, and I’m lucky that the first one was one of the easy ones. God knew what He was doing.

I still remember the surprise when the pregnancy test stick turned blue, and back then you had to do a series of 3 steps and wait 30 minutes for the result to show up so it was really nerve-wracking.The first time I tried though it came up negative, so it must have been too early. I was surprised, It actually worked! We made a baby! I have a little human being inside me! I just couldn’t believe it! Working with God we created life! Then when I felt and saw him moving around inside me it was just magical, and when I left the hospital after his birth (back then I had to stay in 3 days) I remember thinking, I can’t believe I actually get to take him home with me! and I was full of so much excitement for this new adventure, and he didn’t disappoint.

Every milestone with him was special because he was my first and I was learning as I went along but he made it so fun and so easy that even the rigorous demands of a newborn( the constant feedings, getting up during the night, being sleep deprived and exhausted,etc..) were enjoyable because he was just so good and such a delight and it was such a wonder watching him grow and develop. It was a blessing and a gift that I got to raise him and it was such an amazing experience. He turned out ok too so I guess I must have done something right. He was sort of like our “experiment” being the first, but luckily he came thru it unscathed. I really enjoyed raising him.

As well, my mother and the 22 YR old went to a local  rib fest and they only had 5 vendors, not like in Toronto where they have lots, but I didn’t go as I can’t walk that far and my hubby was too busy to drive, and it was really redneck anyway; they also had beer, cornbread and beans and had a mechanical bull! Buddy seems better now too; he’s eating again and more lively, so maybe he just had a virus or an  upset stomach or something, and my hubby said he could drive me to church yesterday too but he didn’t, so I had to walk and then I saw him drive right by me as I was walking…..and he never even stopped to pick me up along the way and I was soooo pissed off and he never even picked me up after,either,and I felt dizzy and faint all day…..and it was a special Mass as well with the Archbishop ( the same one who Confirmed me all those years ago; he’s been there for decades) and 10 priests, incl. the one who was here when we first moved here….and  the Grumpy Old Fart,too! It was really beautiful and inspirational, the kind of thing that gives me goosebumps.

The Top Bunk.

Screen Shot 08-11-17 at 07.55 PM I still remember laying awake in the top bunk. I was 17, it was the mid-1980’s and it was in August, at the end of summer. My mother and I had just moved back from L.A. as it didn’t work out, and we had nowhere to go for awhile so we were staying at my aunt and uncle’s house for awhile and I was staying in one of my cousins’s old rooms and he had one of those old-fashioned wooden bunk-beds from his childhood, and I still remember that night very clearly: I was laying on my back on the top bunk, the window was open, it was a cool summer night and I could hear the crickets and smell the wildflowers (we were out in the country) and I was looking out at the moon and contemplating my life and my future. I was praying to God, because I felt scared and uncertain. I was uprooted and felt all alone and disillusioned.Where was my life headed?

As I gazed out the window, up at the sky, I felt so uncertain about my life and my future. Our entire dream (of starting over and having a new life in L.A) had just been shattered and here we were, having to start all over again. I had to start a new school in a couple of weeks, my final year of highschool, where I didn’t know anybody and I was The New Kid, and in a small town no less where everyone grew up together and has known one another for their entire lives. No easy task. I wondered how I would survive it, and if the guy I loved and hoped to marry loved me( nope…..of course not, and it turned out he was gay,too!) and I wondered about my future as an adult that night as well and I had so much hope, promise and dreams; that I would one day find love, romance, marriage, family, kids, happiness…..but it never did. Sure, I got married and had kids, but I never found love and having kids didn’t turn out to be the fulfilling experience I expected, and I had no idea all the traumas, hurt, struggles, misfortune,tragedies, heartache, etc. that I would have to endure as an adult….if only I knew. My life killed my hope and my dreams.

I was so optimistic then, so hopeful, I had such dreams, such hopes, such promise, I was happy, eager, and excited for the future but now there’s nothing.The innocence and exuberance of youth. There’s nothing left anymore. I have no purpose. I failed  at what I thought was my life’s ambition and purpose. I have nothing left to look forward to anymore. There’s no more hope. The future is gone. The dreams have died. I will always remember that night because it was one of the last times that I saw hope for my future, that I was excited for it, I thought my dreams can come true. It was before I gave up hope. Before life beat me down. Before there was nothing left anymore.Now the hope is gone. The dreams have died. There is no future.

Poor Buddy doesn’t feel well either; for the past couple of days he hasn’t eaten, and he feels warm when I touch him or pick him up, like he has a fever, and he has this gross mucus-y diarrhrea and he’s just sort of laying around and when he does walk he’ll just toddle along slowly, and I hope maybe he just ate something that upset his stomach or something and that it’s nothing serious, and if he dies before me(and he is 11 YRS old so it concerns me although Dachshunds can live to be 17) I would die of a broken heart. He’s the only one who loves me and the only light in my life, my only joy, and if I lose him I’ll have no one and nothing to keep me going, and nothing to live for, and the 10 YR old and 16 YR old taunt me too saying he’s dying!! they’re always trying to break me. Assholes.

I also heard on the news a woman was killed by a hippo while on safari and for me that would be an honour to die that way, and if there is a war between North Korea and USA the ones who will really get massacred will likely be in South Korea, and most of my BFF’s family still lives in South Korea, too, her brother and sister and their families, as well as most of her aunts and uncles….they must be so worried and scared right now….shit…I can’t even imagine….I also had a dream that someone assassinated Trump in order to prevent WWIII, so that he wouldn’t start a war with North Korea and trigger another World War, like killing one person to save millions, sort of like that idea If you could go back in time and kill Hitler and prevent the war and save millions of lives, would you?

Little Baby Grass.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 01.03 PM See the tiny little blades of grass starting to grow? It’s little baby grass and I think it’s just so cute! It looks nicer in real life though and now it’s getting dry and starting to die with the oppressive heat we’ve been having. The township had torn up some sidewalk, road, and grassy area down the street to repair some water pipes so when the work was done and everything was put “back” they laid down sod and planted grass seed, and now LBG( Little Baby Grass) is starting to grow. It sort of reminds me of little baby hairs growing out of a newborn’s head, or even on your own head after you’ve shaved it down to a buzz-cut, or after you’ve allowed it to grow in longer again after being bald. It just looks so stubbly, so fuzzy, so …. cute….. like little tiny green hairs popping up everywhere.It also reminds me of John The Grasshead, who was a head-shaped Chia-Pet face with grass seeds in it you water and grass sprouts out from it, giving it a spiky haircut look. Our oldest, who was something like 5 or 6 at the time had one and named it John The Grasshead, because, well, you know….the obvious….his hair was made out of grass. I wonder if he even still remembers John The Grasshead?  😀

Speaking of hair, I washed mine and grabbed a towel and dried it…..not knowing that there was still bright red hair dye on it,(from when the 14 YR old dyed her hair the other day) and with my hair being blonde it ended up a pink tinge( I noticed as I glanced in the mirror and I gasped)  which rubbed off from the towel into my hair as I rubbed it dry and then had to wash it 3 more times to get it outAunt Flow also came, 3 days late, and surprised me actually as I’d lost track of it and didn’t even realize that it was due, since 1-2 weeks after I have it I usually bleed for a few days so it always seems like I just had it, and that might also explain why I’ve been so sweaty lately: hormones!

I also noticed that the 14 YR old being in a better mood (I know is because of her new medication) rubs off onto me as well and also puts me into a better mood as well and now that she’s nicer to me, I respond, and it’s like it “bounces” off one another and “feeds” off eachother, so maybe we really still do have that strong connection that we did when she was little and our emotions are more inter-twined than I realized?(Or maybe I’m just happy to finally see her happy) It’s almost as if my mood is a “reflection” of hers; she’s more upbeat and in a better mood now and now I’m feeling it, too, almost as if it’s rubbing off onto me, like it’s contagious! Oh, I sure hope so!!

I don’t agree with the clinic though about therapy being helpful; I don’t see how talking about traumas or the failures of your life are beneficial; to me it just feels like reopening old wounds, rehashing old hurts, reliving old traumas, and remembering how shitty my life is and reminding myself of horrors I’d rather forget; I don’t see how that’s helpful. Speaking of trauma, and perhaps this idea might help someone else, but you know how I got my abuse by a relative to finally stop once I was 12? I lied and told him that I had my period and that I could get pregnant and he believed it…..and that was it! In actual fact it didn’t really come until the next year, when I was  13, but he never knew, and it ended 8 YRS of abuse! It worked!! I still don’t like to think that my first “official” sexual experience was at 4 YRS old either, but rather not until I was 21, with my hubby, as in my mind I was still pure and innocent; it was forced on me, against my will, so it doesn’t count. I was still pure.( and to think my first experience was at age 4 makes me feel like a total slut, even though I was the victim.)

My mother gets mad at Buddy as well just for acting like a dog, even though he isdog, and she also groused that I treat him like he’s a person and when I said, What? Because I treat him with love and kindness? How am I supposed to? then she didn’t say anything. The 10 YR old asked as well about life on other planets and I said I don’t think there is and that if there was it likely would have mentioned it in the Bible ,and he asked why God didn’t put people on other planets too, not just Earth, and I told him, Honestly, He probably regretted making them and once He saw how bad most of them are and all the trouble they cause with their hate,violence, war, crime , murder, etc. He decided one time was enough and had enough and decided “I’m not doing that ever again!”

The funniest thing that I can ever remember saying to my mother when I was younger( although she can probably remember quite alot more if you asked her I’m sure, ha,ha) was would be when I was around 17 or so and she asked me a trivia question What is the female version of ” peacock?”  and I’d never heard of such a thing; I just thought they were all called peacocks! and I must have looked stumped so she prompts me on, Well…what’s the opposite of cock? so then it instantly shot out of my big mouth: CUNT!……wait….it’s called a peaCUNT? and then after she stops dying from laughing she said, “No!!! Hen! Peahen!! Ooooopppps!!!

Buddy displayed a touching show of loyalty and obedience,too: the 22 YR old was taunting him with yogurt-covered raisins, and raisins are toxic to dogs, and he called him over and he was right up  there with him, on the chair, sitting on his lap, waiting for a handout…and he was about to give him one,too….so I loudly commanded him, Buddy! COME! and immediately he jumped down and came over to me and stood next to me and rolled over in submission, passing the “loyalty test”, proving his loyalty and obedience to his human means more to him and is more important to him than even food! As a bonus he was also spared from eating something that would harm him  and as a special treat for his obedience and loyalty I gave him one of his dog marrow “cookies” and praised him, Good boy!! His love for me was so touching and in doing so, my love for him, and his obedience due to that love, possibly saved his life. That’s how it’s like with us and God,too.

 

 

Tahitian Treat.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 01.01 PM For lunch yesterday I had a donair…..and a Tahitian Treat pop, which I haven’t seen in ages, since I was a teenager, so having it again was going back to my childhood! I remember when my friend S and I were 12 we’d get these all the time, although I’m pretty sure it was called Tahiti Treat at the time, and I remember it was her fave. pop and I even had a lip gloss that flavour! I love it sooo much and I couldn’t believe it when I saw the donair place had them! I’ve never seen them anywhere and didn’t think they sold them anymore! It was like a blast from the past. It’s basically a carbonated fruit punch, or a fruit punch soda/pop. My hubby stopped by on the way back from the clinic for chicken and the donair place is right next door, and it’s been months since I’ve had one, at least since the winter, so……of course there was this huge line-up though and it’s this small store; it’s take-out only( or as they call it in the UK take-away) and no tables or chairs and there were 7 military guys from the base plus another guy all ahead of me in line…..oh, doesn’t it just figure? But I got my donair…….and a Tahitian Treat,too!

The app’t at the clinic only lasted an HR (instead of 2 HRS) this week but then we got stuck in traffic on the highway for 45 minutes due to construction so we still weren’t home much earlier…figures…and my hubby of course was doing his usual distracted driving where he actually puts on deoderant and clips his fingernails while driving and I always tell him it’s distracted driving and unsafe( and illegal and if the cops ever see him he’s going to get a massive fine, like hundreds of dollars) but he just always blows me off and acts like I don’t know what I’m talking about because I don’t drive(and also because he thinks I’m stupid and dismissive of anything I say)…..but I do know what’s dangerous, and I do know you’re always supposed to keep your eyes(and attention) ahead of you, on the road,and keep both hands on the steering wheel! My God, he’s going to get us into an accident one day….

At the clinic we have 2 new therapists there now,too, and the new social worker kept saying again how I can’t form attachments with people and I let them know that I have formed strong bonds, attachments, connections, and friendships fine with other people; I just have problems with people who abuse me and with toxic relationships, and they also saying that everyone’s issues with trust, relationships, security, etc. come from attachments(or lack of) they formed early in life with their mother, so , in other words, if you’re emotionally f*cked up or have trouble with relationships later in life it’s your mother’s fault which I think is a bunch of shit. I agree the early bond has some affect on your personality and emotional development to some degree, but not entirely and you can’t blame your mother for everything,and it’s everything in your entire life, and due to your environment, experiences, and interactions with other people too and life events and traumas that mold you and either damage you or build your confidence.Me for instance, not only feeling rejected and unwanted by my parents but I was also rejected and bullied my  peers as well, and by the opposite sex, and then bullied and excluded by my own kids,too, so it all adds up, plus endless traumas, on top of my Asperger’s, bipolar, etc.. all combined that broke me, not simply because I’m not close to my mother.That was just one factor.

They also kept denying that the Prozac is responsible this early for the positive changes both my mother and I have noticed in the 14 YR old; she noticed that she’s not so grumpy and mean, and I noticed she now has  a “spark”, a “light” and a “brightness” about her that she didn’t before, and with me it only took a few days for the medication to start taking effect, but they wouldn’t give it any credit and kept insisting instead it was due to her behaviour modification techniques and that she’s doing things she enjoys, like swimming and bike riding. They also said if I feel excluded from my family to go along and do things with them that I don’t like and I’m not interested in but that they are, to put my own interests aside, and just force myself to go, such as going to Fan Expo, a nerd-fest like Comic-Con for anime, sci-fi and comic nerds where they dress up as their fave. characters….so not my thing and I find stupid and boring…..why should I be forced to do something I don’t want to do?(plus, they don’t want me along anyway and have a better time without me) I don’t feel left out not going to Fan Expo because I  don’t want  to go there, and I am allowed to have my own separate interests, I don’t have to change to conform to what they want me to be in order to fit in; I mean I feel excluded from the family because they never tell me anything, never include me in discussions  or decisions,ask for or value my input or opinion, keep secrets from me, have their own little “club” I’m not invited to,their own little “inside” jokes they won’t let me in on, that kind of thing. I’m getting really fed up with the way the clinic seems to be blaming everything on me and being so dismissive of medication and being so solely focused on the behaviour modification even though it’s clearly not working, and they want me to do stuff I don’t like and don’t want to do and have zero interest in doing just to fit in and to appease a toxic family that abuses me and doesn’t want me around in the first place.

Yeah…..I don’t think so. If they keep attacking me, saying everything’s my fault, criticizing me every week, and trying to force me to be something I’m not when all I want is for my toxic family to stop demoralizing me I’m probably just going to stop going to the sessions altogether. Just my hubby and the 14 YR old can go from now on.  I don’t need this shit. I really don’t. I don’t need them tearing me down, too.They also neglected to realize that it’s my family that pushed me away first  with the disparaging way they treat me and that the more they push me out the more I retreat. At this point I just try to stay away from them as best I can simply to avoid conflict. Besides, why would I even want to be with people who treat me like shit? With my Asperger’s I’m aware that I do have a different way of seeing things, understanding things, processing things, interpreting things, etc. than others do but I still do have feelings and I don’t want to be around people that abuse me.

Weird Things I Do.

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Weird Things I Do:(or interesting facts about me, whichever you prefer)

I talk to inanimate objects

I chatter away to my dog, an entire conversation, as if he’s a person.

I shave my legs but not my armpits

I talk out loud to myself( but I don’t answer)

If I bump into something or knock it over I say “sorry”

I can’t sleep without music

I use weed but don’t drink alcohol

I speak 4 languages but I can’t do math

I can turn my eyelids inside-out

I can bend my thumb all the way back down straight against my arm

I can be thinking in one language but talking in another

I put corn and gravy in my mashed potatoes

I sunbathe topless but would never wear a low-cup top

I shave my head

I can imitate doing funny accents and various voices

I can make “fart” noises by putting my hand under my armpit

I used to be able to make this noise that sounded like a walrus

I can write with my feet

I write, eat, brush my teeth, etc. with my left hand, but use scissors with my right hand.

I can crack my knuckles

As a ‘tween I kissed the posters of celeb guys I had on my bedroom walls

As a teen I practiced kissing with pillows and stuffed toys

I’ve been to 36 countries but I’ve never been to NYC

I can “curl” my tongue