I Remember.

Screenshot_675 I came across these old photos of my from school and it brought back memories from that time. I can’t remember why I walked into a room, or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I still can remember when I was in grade 1, pictured on the left, and why my hair was so short: because I had it long, put up in 2 ponytails on each side and I played “barber” one day and cut them both off…..unevenly…..and my mother had to rush me to the salon for an emergency very short haircut. In the photo on the right I was in grade 2 and it was the time that I stuck my tongue to a frigid cold metal pole in winter to see if it would stick because my mother said it would and I didn’t believe her. She was right. Do you also notice both outfits I’m wearing are purple? It has always been my fave. colour, even as a kid.

Screenshot_683 Here I am in grade 3. I can still remember how much I really loved that dress I was wearing. This is also probably really only the cutest photo I have of myself, the only photo where I didn’t end up looking like a goofy kid. I discovered early as a kid if you want people to like you that you either have to be cute or funny and since I was never cute I tried to be funny by cultivating a sense of humour and making people laugh.

Screenshot_676 In grades 3 and 4. In the grade 3 photo I was wearing my mouse pin. I still remember that; it was one of my faves and actually came in a set of 2. There was a bigger mouse and a smaller one and they were both the Mother of pearl, irridescent reflection. In the dress I’m wearing in the grade 4 photo my Babushka made it for me. I’d wanted one of the Pioneer dresses that were the fashion of the day in the 70’s but my mother said they looked like rags and people would think I looked poor so I never got one of those but Babushka sewed me this long green one with the little flowers instead. It went all the way down to the floor and made me feel glamourous, like a movie star and I wore it on special occasions like my birthday, to a party, or for school photos.

Screenshot_677 The best year of all: grade 5. It was just a “magical” year of fun, friends, happiness, an overall fun, happy time I wish I could freeze a moment in time and just stay there forever. It was the best time of my life.

Screenshot_681 Grade 6. It was when we moved into our old house in Toronto, the one that would forever be the place that would always feel the most like Home to me for the rest of my life and where I have the best memories. It was also the last year of life as I knew it. My happy childhood and idyllic life would soon be over.

Screenshot_678 Grades 7 and 8: Jr. High: the 2 worst years ever where I was mercilessly bullied and my life-long battle with depression was triggered.2 of the longest years of my life.

Screenshot_679 Highschool: grades 9, 10, and 11. Still homely, still waiting for a boy to show interest and ask me out, still liking guys that never liked me back, still dreaming, hoping, fantasizing, still hoping I’ll somehow “outgrow” it and become better looking but I never did. I stayed out of trouble and spent my time studying….and where did it get me? It just felt like it was all for nothing, all that hard work and for what?

Screenshot_680….and finally: grade 12! I graduated highschool and I was free! The last day of highschool I just felt so free. I imagine I’ll feel the same way when I die and am released from this physical body full of mental, physical, and emotional suffering and pain, and be released back to God who made me.Then I can fly, and soar, and be free, only forever, and no more suffering ever again; no more bullying, no more self-loathing and no self-esteem, no more stress, anxieties, worries, fear, loneliness, longing, regret, sadness, loss, emptiness, pain or hurt ever again.JUST LOVE AND PEACE.

Never.

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 I have never been pretty.

I will never be pretty.

I have never experienced romantic love.

I have never come First, been the best, been anyone’s first choice,favourite, or

ever been chosen above others.

I have never been good enough, felt good enough, met expectations, been worthy, or gotten it right.

I have never known a normal, stable, happy family life, either as a child or as an adult.

I have never had a single day without struggling with either some anxiety, stress,fear, or worry eating away at my brain.

I have never been to a prom.

I have never truly experienced real independence and freedom.

I have never found True Love.

I have never felt self-acceptance or self-love.

I have never been popular.

I have never had a happy adult life.

I have never been whistled at or cat-called.

I have never looked in the mirror and liked what I see.

I have never been “hit” on.

I will never find peace within myself.

I will never be happy again.

I will never be able to soar.

I will never be free.

Re-group.

Screenshot_606 I have to re-group. The other day I was hit with a very serious accusation of something I supposedly did decades ago in the past, but it was something so awful, so horrible, so terrible, so unthinkable, so unforgivable(and no, it’s nothing sexual, so get your mind out of the gutter) I doubt that it even really actually occurred, because if it did I don’t even remember it, and certainly if I did something so awful I would at least remember doing it, wouldn’t I, unless, of course, it never really happened, and the other possibility, is that with my bipolar and my mental state at the time and due to the circumstances surrounding it, it was just so traumatizing, and so hard to bear, so difficult to live with, that I just completely blocked it out? It was something so bad that if I did actually do it the guilt would be so bad that I just couldn’t live with it or live with myself. Maybe God also even “erased” the episode and the time period from my memory as a means of self-protection; as survival, knowing that if I knew, if I remembered, if I was aware, that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it? How does one live with themself knowing they’re a monster, for example,such as a serial killer?

I seriously question the whole thing though because that’s really not how I remember it and when I asked a witness who was there at the time(and still remembers) their thoughts on it they denied it ever happened,either, were stunned speechless, and said the accuser themselves must have issues and that they must have been making the whole thing up. I just wouldn’t do something like that though; it’s not who I am,  and it sounds so incredulous and I have zero memories of it; it just doesn’t seem possible, so I have to re-group and get my head together to try and comprehend such shocking revelations, esp. as it sounds so far-fetched it makes me wonder if maybe a tall-tale is maybe just being told to mind-f*ck with me, to try and take advantage of my brain decline, forgetfulness, mental illness, bipolar and hallucinations and self-doubt that goes along with it to try and convince me and make me feel guilty about and hate myself for something awful that I never really actually even did; that never even really happened, perhaps to drive me even more insane, to see how I’ll react;  to see what I’d say and do to the accusations, or maybe to even drive me to suicide over the guilt? I don’t know.

That’s the hard part. What’s real, and how can I tell?

All I know is I’ve been thinking over and over, wracking my brain, going back to the past, trying to re-live events and time periods in my head trying to see if it might have ever been possible but I’m just not seeing it or feeling it; it’s just not something I’d do, goes against everything I am, and when I think about it occurring it makes me feel heartsick and sad even just at the possibility. That’s the worst thing about being unsure of yourself, having self-doubt and not being able to rely on and trust your own mind, your memories, and being able to tell  the difference between what’s real and what really happened VS what was just a thought, a dream, a hallucination, or just all in my mind, but for whatever I may have done, or have failed to do, or should have done(but didn’t do), or for what someone even thinks I may have done, or hurt anyone or wronged anyone in any way whether intentional or not, whether I even realized it or not, I apologize,and I am truly sorry.

I just wish  knew the truth though; what really happened. Am  I capable of such a heinous thing, and is it possible I did do it without knowing, without remembering…..or is someone just trying to trick me (with my bad memory and declining mind and forgetfulness) into thinking I did? Is it just some sort of sick, cruel, twisted mind-game,perhaps, or maybe the accuser has a false memory or perhaps confused me with someone else or has a faulty memory themselves or they thought an incident occured that really didn’t? Perhaps they too have a hard time distinguishing fact from dreams, fears, false memories, etc,too,like I do? The whole thing has greatly upset me though and now my stomach ulcer’s acting-up big time from the stress and my stomach pain’s back really bad once again. This is troubling me greatly and if I really am such a horrible, terrible, awful person how do I live with myself? How do I look myself in the mirror each day knowing I did something so awful?

No wonder I don’t deserve to be happy or be loved. Maybe that’s why deep-down I hate myself so much too; because I know I’m such a terrible, awful person? If it turns out to be true, I don’t even deserve to live.

The possibility was also suggested that maybe that’s why I always have such bad luck, misfortune, unhappiness, etc. in life is maybe it’s karma; that I’m being “paid back” or punished, except that my bad luck has plagued me for my entire life, as long as I can remember, even back when I was a kid, even way before this was said to have occured. In any case, I pray to God and ask Him to reveal the truth to me so at least I’ll know either way and so if there really is any truth to it I can deal with it, make amends( although I don’t know what could ever “make up” for it) be forgiven( although I could never forgive myself) and heal and try to move forward….yet my own history with trauma has taught me that some traumas break you so hard that you can’t ever be fixed or get “over” it.

Patti also surprised me by sending me a message on Pinterest with her usual story that her phone was broken( yeah, right…..for  6 months?) and she couldn’t “find” me on Facebook and then she “forgot” how to spell my name…..all kinds of lame excuses so I wrote a reply enough of the excuses; I know she de-friended me on Facebook and blocked me; that she just used me to get puppies and then once she got what she wanted from me she just threw me away and I told her I thought she was my friend and that I’m done now; I don’t need people like that in my life. I bet the only reason she’s even trying to all of a sudden contact me again is it’s been 6 months and her dog’s probably in heat again and she wants more puppies again and wants my dog to mate with hers again but I’m NOT falling for that again! Even I’m not that stupid! I’ve been used and betrayed enough in my life. Never again.

Dying.

Screenshot_493 Poor Sunny the sunflower is dying. Parts are turning yellow now and the leaves are getting some sort of rot on them now, some kind of blemish or blight, and are drying up and dying…..and it just ever stayed a plant and never did produce a flower; never did blossom. Just like me.  Living a hard life of struggle all for nothing and even right to the end never producing any fruits. I wonder if it might also be symbolic,too: it’s dying now and maybe I am,too? Maybe it’s like we live sort of parallel lives and we’re both drying up, withering away,and dying together? Both dying before we ever got a chance to bloom. At least between my Pap test and my ultrasound next month if I really do have reproductive or rectal cancer or something( which would explain my symptoms) they should find something….

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The kids also got me these amazing pumpkin spice Cheerios because they know other than chocolate that pumpkin spice is my all-time fave. and I love all things pumpkin spice because I am a Basic White Girl like that( although on the inside I’m really actually more Black, but that’s for another post later). When I reacted joyfully and shrieked, Oooohh!!! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! of course they all tired to take credit for being the one that bought it. Either way, it’s just sooooo good, perfect for snacking on dry, and this makes up for when they took my iPodThey have redeemed themselves.

Until next time.

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I was also going thru some old photos the other day for Throwback Thursday and I found this one, which is one of my faves of the 15 YR old and I 5 years ago when she was 10. This was back when she used to still love me and let me love her back, back when we used to be really close. Before she grew up and got older and distanced herself from me and pushed me out of her life. When she did it left this big empty hole inside of me, a loss and void  and then Buddy came along and filled it. I love this picture as it reminds me of what we once had, of a happier time, of what I wish I still had, and wish I could get back again. I’ll still always love her; I’m just not “allowed” to express it anymore.

The lump under Buddy’s eye finally popped as well! It was a big, hard, round lump like a pea and it had a big “head” on it like a pimple and he was cuddling with me,looking at me with a sad, pleading, Please help me! look on his face, so I squeezed it and it popped. He did flinch , wince,and yelp slightly, but he didn’t try and bite, wiggle, or escape; it’s like he knew I was helping him even if it hurt. I was able to squeeze out lots of fluid, which was a transparent yellow/orange colour and had a slight metallic odour. Then it went all the way down and deflated but it must have still been itchy as he kept rubbing it against my leg, on the carpet, and scratching it…..but then scratching it he also tore it apart and made this big gash and it split open and when I tried to put a Band-Aid on it he kept running away and was mad at me but I was still able to put antibiotic cream on it and at least on his face he can’t lick it off! I guess it must have been some sort of cyst or boil then being fluid-filled as tumours are solid masses….

I also notice too my own cuts and sores used to heal in just days but lately they take 2-3 weeks so my immune sysyem must be shot, but I also read somewhere if wounds are slow healing it can be an indication you have hemophilia, a blood-clotting disorder. Only males actually have it but females can be carriers, so it makes me wonder, esp. since I do always have really heavy periods and bad hemmoraging with every baby I’ve had at birth and I always need medication to help control the bleeding plus extra monitoring and longer time in the recovery room because I just won’t stop bleeding and I remember when they took that polyp off my colon they called it a real bleeder and said that was unusual and they had to put a clip on it to stop the heavy bleeding as well which they don’t usually do so it does make you wonder, esp. with my inherited Alpha-1 antitrypsan deficiency it makes me wonder what other genetic issues I may also have,too…..

As for Trump nominating a guy to the Supreme Court being accused to sexual assault back as a teen, my thoughts are simply this: I have no way of knowing who’s telling the truth; him or her, but I think the only thing worse than a guilty person getting away is an innocent person being wrongly accused and ruined so I just hope that the truth prevails and is revealed, whatever it may be.

Slices Of Life.

Screenshot_482 This is so weird: I must be really losing it: I was looking on my daily calendar I have on my computer and I noticed I’d had noted I’d had something checked off that I’d done on 19 September but then I thought to myself, Well, how can that be possible? It’s not even the 19th yet! That’s not until next week….am I in some sort of time warp, or what? and so I sat there for a few moments trying to comprehend this and I just sat there staring at the calendar and then it finally hit me, Oh, wait a minute….we’re already into the last week of September! The 19 was last week! Generally I don’t know what day it is(Like, What day is today, anyway? Is it Wednesday or Thursday?) but this has taken it to a whole new level. I’m such a space cadet. It was funny as well the 17 YR old had just walked in the door coming back from work and then she went out again(I presume to the corner store or something quick) which I wasn’t aware of…..only to walk right back in the door again less than 10 minutes later and when I asked Who is that? Who are all these people that keep coming thru our door? the 11 YR old said it was her and when I said she’d already came back he cracked, It’s The Second Coming.

My friend A (from Ottawa) his aunt(who is originally from Chile along with the rest of the family but she now lives in Ottawa) also turned 100 years old and the Ambassador of Chile came and visited her and brought her flowers and a commemorative plaque! How cool is that? She lives in a nursing home now and the poor woman’s so frail now she’s in a wheelchair with her head crooked to one side but I still remember her from over some 30 years ago, and she made the BEST turkey stuffing ever! We had Christmas dinner at their house one year and it was amazing. It was sad too how my friend told me how she had a Great Love once but he was killed in the war and after that she stayed a spinster. They always called her Tia, Spanish for Aunty.

Buddy’s lump under his eye also looks bigger again now, leading to me wonder if it might be an allergy or plugged sinus as if it was a tumour of some sort it wouldn’t keep getting bigger and  smaller and then disappearing and then coming back and then getting smaller again and then bigger…..it would just stay there permanantly and keep growing bigger. I’m also trying bit by bit, piece by piece, to try and connect with the person I once was, the Old Me that was happy and knew how to laugh and smile and have fun, sort of like trying to find my Inner Child again in a way, to reconnect with who I was, who I used to be, who I miss and wish I was again in which feels like almost another life, ages ago, before all the traumas, before all the brokenness, before all the damage.

Now the 15 and 17 YR old are playing on my worries, anxieties,and fears as well by saying that the 19 YR old’s BF is a typical arrogant rich boy and that he’s not a nice or a good person and he’s just like all her other friends, implying  good-looking, popular, mean, elitist, looking down on others less attractive or deemed less “worthy”, and bullying, the exact kind I can’t stand, the exact kind that tormented and bullied me in school, the exact way I did NOT raise my kids to be OR to hang out with and they also said that he doesn’t ‘let’  her be with her friends which concerns me and is a red-flag warning to posessive, controlling behaviour and an indication of future abusive behaviour/ domestic violence as they  first isolate the victim.

I’ve only met him briefly, once, when he picked her up, only for a couple of minutes, but my hubby’s spent some time with him so I asked him what his impression was and all he said when I asked if there’s any actual truth to it or if they’re just trying to start drama and to make me worry was He’s, well…..different from us…. and when I asked how, different in what way, he goes, I don’t know….just….different but knowing him that might just mean that he’s cultured, polite,and has manners or something,too, or maybe he’s  just neater, or more ordered or something, less chaotic or messy as compared to us., in a good way…or, maybe the guys’ just normal and doesn’t come from a weird, crazy family like ours and he doesn’t know what to make of it ?Why do they keep doing things like this to me though? Why do they keep saying things they know will cause me panic, distress, worry, sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, and so on? it’s just not right,and it’s cruel, is what it is and I’m just left not ever knowing what’s true and what isn’t and even now the kids are older and away from home with their own lives I don’t stop worrying about them I just can’t do anything about it anymore to try and protect them and keep them safe(other than prayers)…..and that’s what really worries me. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

So now I worry I may(assuming what I’ve been told is even true, that is…) have 2 kids that sell drugs and another in an unhealthy possibly abusive relationship on top of all the other shit in my life and stress. No wonder I have high BP and stomach ulcers!!

Dognapped!

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Last night My Boy was kidnapped! The 17 YR old said she’s been hearing mice in her room during the night scurrying around and it freaks her out and keeps her awake at night so she decided to “kidnap” Buddy out of my room(where he sleeps) during the night to catch the mice in her room. So, she(along with the help of the 15 YR old and my hubby) decided to try and sneak him out of my room during the night once I fell asleep. Their original attempt didn’t go so well; there’s no way he’d ever allow anyone to remove him physically while he was guarding me as I slept, plus I also had fallen asleep with my arm around him and he wouldn’t let anyone take him away from me without a fight, and at the very least he’d bark and growl and I’d wake up, so they had to get out the Big Guns and lure him away instead of trying to grab him.That’s dirty pool!! My hubby used the annoying squeaker that he knows he hates and blew on that….and he came charging out of my room, following the sound….and then they grabbed him and locked him in her room!

I later woke up not too long after, realized he was gone, and let him stay for awhile, realizing what they were doing, and opened up my bedroom door(which they had closed, I guess so I wouldn’t notice anything) so he could come back when he wanted….except they’d locked him in her room, but when I got up again at 5 am to go pee and I noticed he was still  gone I was like, OK, enough is enough, I’m going to get my dog and bring him back where he belongs,  so I picked the lock in seconds (because extractions are one of my specialties from my past; don’t ask why) and he was laying across the foot of her bed and he must have heard me as he didn’t bark and  his head had perked up and when he saw me his tail started wildly thumping and I picked him up and brought him back into my room with me where we snuggled in bed for another hour or so. His right eye(I  think the same eye that had the lump under it before) is swollen now as well, and it’s on the same side as his missing toe so maybe he hit it on the coffee table when he fell down the other day and it’s the dog equivalent of a black eye, or maybe it’s an insect bite, esp. as I did also see a wasp near him the other day and heard him yelp….

hippos10 My friend W (in Ottawa) also told me he saw hippo home decor (such as the one pictured here) at his Wal-Mart and he suggested I go to their site online and look….and  low and behold, there it was, and on sale, too, reduced from 21$ down to 15$ so I ordered it….

hippos11 along with this cool hippo mug as well. I don’t drink tea or coffee  but I can use it for other stuff,too, such as hot chocolate( in the winter) or to store pens and pencils in. Odd though is that they don’t deliver. They deliver to the closest Wal-Mart and I have to go to the store and pick it up, but they don’t deliver it to my house. I thought that was kind of weird. Just like when we first moved here we had to share taxis. I’d never seen that before. I also got a letter in the mail from the neurologist in Kingston informing me that my app’t the end of November has been changed to early November…..but the thing is I didn’t even knowhad that app’t! No one ever told me (he didn’t mail me a letter with the app’t date like he usually does) so it’s good it was switched otherwise I’d never have known.

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The 23 YR old also made some $$$$$ doing odd jobs so he went out and bought some new clothes, incl. the ones here. I think he looks like a pimp, ha, ha(and no, he’s NOT GAY in case you were wondering; he had a long-term GF for YRS). I like and admire his expressive style though and encourage it,being unique, just as long as it’s not against God ( such as girls’ not too short or revealing or any occult symbols,Goth, or anything like that) I just hope he doesn’t get beat up by some dumb redneck or something ! He’s always been a ham,too; a funny guy and a jokester as well as one of my faves. He’s one of the three I’ve always been closest to, at least when they were younger, but now none of them love me anymore. 😦

It was weird as well I was laying down and I felt like something was literally turning  around and churning in my belly but it wasn’t my stomach; it was lower down, in my abdomen, and it actually felt like when you’re prego and you can feel the baby kick for the first time and if I wasn’t 51, in menopause, and haven’t been laid in 12 years (since I got prego with the youngest) I’d even wonder if I was prego, esp. since my other symptoms are the same as while prego,too, incl. extreme fatigue, ravenous hunger, really sore lower back, no Aunt Flow in 14 weeks or so, nausea, headaches, weight gain… even though the absent period is due to menopause and the hunger and weight gain either because of my heavy weed use( ha,ha!) or side-effects of my medications,or maybe it’s the way it is with menopause… but in any case, my doctor ordered a pelvic ultrasound ( finally!) next month to try and find out the cause of my abdomenal pain which I still have on and off. Maybe my colon’s twisting or blocking or something, or the inflamed sacs are even popping or something?