Screen Shot 01-18-18 at 06.17 PM The 10 YR old was playing Splatoon and his opponent’s colour was a bright orange, the exact same shade that was my fave. colour when I was a kid, the same as seen in the photo here. It reminded me of my childhood, esp. when I was 4 and 5, and I had clothing, incl. matching socks, in my fave. colour and in school I would even colour in animals a bright orange and I can still remember my mother and I were living with my aunt, uncle,and cousins at the time, and one of their foster kids at the time who was a teenager, went to USA and she brought me back a bright orange piggy bank, knowing how much I loved the colour,and it was one of my fave toys and I never forgot about it, even to this day.

That was such a special time in my life when we lived with them, it was such a crowded house, there were 10 of us living there, 7 of us kids, and 3 adults and it felt like I had siblings and I was part of a big family and it was wonderful. Of the kids I was the youngest and the others were teens, incl. 3 of my 4 cousins( the oldest was married and moved out) and my aunt and uncle’s 3 foster kids. One of the foster kids was mean and used to beat me up(I can still clearly remember her smacking me around and throwing me off the couch so hard I’d bounce off and hit the floor) so I just tried to avoid her but other than that it was a great time in my life I will always remember fondly, and where I had a sense of belonging. It was hard later when we moved out on our own and I was a lonely only child again.

I also remember that in Jr. High and Highschool the office demanded everyone’s combination code for their lockers and I refused to give my real one, not that I ever had anything to hide but I thought it was a gross violation of privacy and of my rights so in silent protest I just always gave them a fake, made up one every year. They were never the wiser but I still got this secret satisfaction knowing that I would never submit,and I have always stuck it to The Man and stood up to authority and any time I saw an injustice or oppression, incl. standing up to teachers I deemed Fascist, one of the most memorable ones being my art teacher in grade 11. I still don’t remember what she said or did but she was unfairly treating me for something or other and I told her off, even though I knew I’d probably get into alot of shit for it….I can still remember, it was on a Friday afternoon and I worried all weekend what might befall me once I came back on Monday, but I still shrugged it off even so thinking No matter what she does to me, even if I get suspended, it will still be worth it….but as it turned out she did nothing, and nothing more was ever mentioned about it .I’ve always been a rebel, ha, ha.

The 14 YR old also says lust is my biggest sin although in actual reality gluttony is my biggest sin, although lust is probably my second-biggest sin, with all the lustful fantasies I have, usually about hot guys that are way out of my league that I have no chance with ever and that barely even know I walk the face of the Earth, but still, I can dream, can’t I, and besides, my fantasies keep me going,and what’s life without hopes and dreams,right? I know I’ll never have it in real life but my imagination is the best I can do.





Screen Shot 01-17-18 at 05.11 PM It seems that I’ve been running my entire life. Always wanting to be somewhere other than where I am, restless, longing, wanting to run away from who I am, from myself, from where I am, always wanting to be someone else; anyone else rather than me, reinventing myself, trying to run away from and escape my life, myself, all the trauma and pain in my life, trying to escape all my self-loathing and self hatred, my lack of self confidence and self-esteem. I have been running from my enemy, from my past, from my memories, myself, my hurt, my pain, my brokenness, my life.

It started when I was molested as a kid from ages 4-12, and then from the years of bullying as a young teen,and then only carried on, continued,and worsened with being rejected and unloved, outcast and undesirable as an adult, plus trying to hide and run away from my Asperger’s, social phobia, bipolar, and depression, and all the traumas, misfortunes, bad luck, failures, failed hopes and dreams, disappointments, and general overall misery and  f*cked-up-ed-ness in life, it just took a toll after awhile until I couldn’t do it anymore and just shut down, eventually dropping out of life pretty much completely.

Just keep running….

That’s why I look forward so much to Heaven. I will be healed and made whole. I won’t look like this or feel like this anymore. I will accept myself and maybe, just maybe, even be able to love myself, or if not, at least be okay with myself and with being me, and not be beaten down by self hatred and always wanting to run away from who I am, change who I am, hide who I am, re-do who I am, etc. I will feel loved, valued, included, good enough, welcome, a sense of belonging,self acceptance, worthy, happy, fitting in, and everything else that I’ve never felt here in my life. I will no longer have the instinctual need to run and hide in fear from danger; I will instead have something to run to and not away from,and no one will ever make fun of me or make me feel badly about myself ever again. I will find peace.

The Finger.

Screen Shot 01-09-18 at 06.01 PM 001 While I was cutting an English muffin in half with the “saw” knife I also accidently sliced my finger. It wasn’t a big cut but it was deep and it really bled, and it opened up and you could see the layers of “meat” inside. It also took forever to stop bleeding, 45 minutes to be exact because I timed it. I thought it would never stop. I really thought I’d have to go to the hospital and get stitches and whatever else they do to make the bleeding stop but I just kept applying pressure to it(even though initially the more pressure I applied the more blood squirted out) and even putting that “stick” on that you wet and that stings like a bitch but stops bleeding still didn’t even work….holy shit, then I was starting to panic,this really isn’t how I wanted to spend my morning and certainly not sitting for hours in the ER, but eventually it finally did stop bleeding and I just glued it together. It didn’t even hurt at the beginning when I first did it, though; I noticed the blood first, and now it’s throbbing and stings. Of course it’s my index finger too, and do you know how hard it is to try and function everyday daily tasks without the use of your index finger? Even typing and scrolling down with the computer mouse is affected and takes at least twice as long…..aaarrrggghhh!

I also bought a new cannabis oil  and the brand is from none other than Snoop Dogg himself! If anyone knows a thing or two about good quality weed it would be this guy so I trust in good faith that it’s a good-quality product. The 23 YR old told me too that Snoop Dogg at a concert smoking a doobie lit it up, inhaled it all, in it’s entirety in one puff, and held it in for over a minute before exhaling this huge plume of smoke….now that’s impressive, esp. considering it takes me some 7-8 or so “drags” to consume an entire joint….that man is my hero! 😀  My hubby and the 14 and 16 YR olds also ask in disgust why I “talk so much” about my weed and not about my other medications but the truth is, the weed is funnier and a hell of alot more, well, interesting, let’s say, and has more interesting side-effects than my other meds do, and besides, what’s so funny and cool about depression pills or pills for high BP or stomach ulcers,anyway?

They still haven’t plowed the sidewalks out from all the snow yet either so Buddy has to go out in the path in the backyard I shovelled him to pee but as he went out half-way onto the porch(before even stepping down the stairs onto the yard) he heard that hawk back again, wailing above ,and I heard it too, and he just stood there and froze and gave me a look, as if he was thinking, NO f*cking way in Hell, man! I’m not going out here with that thing out there! and he abruptly turned around and quickly ran back inside without ever even going pee….and then the smart dog ran over to the front door  and stood there looking up at me, telling me to take him out the front, which I did. Now, is that smart, or what?

I heard on the news as well about a fatal fire and 3 kids died but both parents made it out ok and this always gets me really mad: what kind of parent leaves their kids behind? You rescue the kids first and only then do you get out yourself, and you take them with you, you’re the last one out, not the first,and if they’re trapped and you can’t get them out, then you stay behind with them but you don’t leave your kids behind and with our fire my mother and I were the last ones out ( my hubby was away at a friend’s at the time) and we only escaped once we made sure that all 6 kids(at the time) were safely out first. I don’t know how they could live with themselves otherwise, leaving their own kids behind to die like that, hearing them screaming for help until the screams eventually stop….that’s just beyond comprehension…

Bundled Up.

Screen Shot 01-08-18 at 02.08 PM Here I am, all bundled up for winter. I look like I’m going out on an Arctic expedition. Thankfully the frigid Arctic cold spell we’ve been having for the past couple of weeks has passed and this week it’s actually going to be mild, even above 0 C, like today, for example, it got to  a balmy 2 C and on Thursday they say it’s even going up to 9 C and rain! (hey, I can get out my shorts and flip-flops!) We also got a shit-load of snow yesterday but it was also the nice fluffy kind, with the big fat flakes that turned into packing snow once it hit the ground, but it was a bugger to shovel, and as I shovelled out Buddy a pathway in the backyard to go pee (it was finally mild enough to take him out for a walk once again except they hadn’t plowed the sidewalk and there was nowhere to walk) I thought I was going to have a heart-attack, but at least the snow is pretty and I’d still much rather have the snow and have it warmer than freeze in the cold temps. Of course what I really want is to be on a beach in the Caribbean… sure beats the – 40 C temps we’ve been having…

Screen Shot 01-08-18 at 02.14 PM I also took this photo in the morning(before it melted) of the freshly fallen snow, revealing the beauty of winter. I posted it on my hubby’s brother’s Facebook as well joking Look what we got and you missed out on!  Do you regret not having this in Hawaii?  One of my happiest winter memories as a kid is going ice skating with my friend D and also tobogganning and I can still clearly picture myself playing out in my yard in Toronto in grade 6 wearing my navy blue parka with the fur hood,my white angora hat and mitts,  my then-fashionable Roadrunner jeans and tan Cougar boots and what a happy time in my life it was, and yet how blissfully unaware I was that in just a few more mere months, just after that summer, that my happy life would soon end and life as I knew it would be over and the best part of my life would end. I would go on to have some happy moments but The Old Me would cease to exist and my life would never be the same. I was months away from losing myself and I had no idea; no idea what was in store for me and my life ahead, how 12 years of happiness would abruptly end and be followed by trauma and crisis, heartache, misfortune and misery,abuse, rejection, bullying, victimization,and disappointment, one after the other, time and time again, until I just couldn’t take it anymore and I finally broke.

I also still have “Aunt Flow”, which I’ve had now for 11 days alternating some days a dark brown flow, other days a bright red, it’s so screwed up l have the abdomenal pain, I wonder if maybe I have endometriosis or something and need a D&C and need to just get it all scraped out inside but what I really want is a hysterectomy and just be done with this shit for good. I’m too old for this. I think I had another seizure in my sleep as well as I bit my tongue during my sleep and now the entire outside right side of it is swollen, hurts, is sore,and has teeth dents along it. I had a dream as well I was away and it was implied that I had either died and was revived or I had been in a coma for awhile and when I came back I found out my 5 month old grandson(I don’t even have any grandchildren yet) had died of SIDS; it was weird. The dentist also keeps calling me for an app’t for a check-up or cleaning or whatever but I haven’t got time for that now with all my other app’t’s with the cardiologist and also trying to figure out what’s causing my bleeding, abdomenal pain, seizures, etc..I have too many other things going on to worry about right now, my teeth aren’t a priority. They’re ugly and crooked anyway and I can’t ever afford to have them fixed.

The Baboon And The Epic Party.

Screen Shot 11-15-17 at 06.20 PM 001 The other day the 14 YR old came to me and said the 16 YR old didn’t believe her when she told her the story of the Baboon and the Epic Party. She thought that she was making it up and that it sounded like something from out of a movie and I confirmed that yes, it really was true and it really did happen and that we weren’t making it up. You see, the Baboon (I named him that) was this obnoxious neighbour we had when we first moved to Ottawa. He wasn’t even really our neighbour but rather his girlfriend(they were both highschool teachers) and her 2 sons were actually, but he was always over there and stayed overnight( what a “great” example she was setting for her kids, huh?) and he had this van that always leaked oil only instead of parking it in her driveway the asshole would always park it in front of our house leaving a big oil stain behind. At first we’d asked him nicely to move it and not park there but he refused and just continued to get more obnoxious, so my hubby and I decided to take matters into our own hands….

They would also purposely slam doors and run around really loudly early in the morning to annoy us ( there was a wall the 2 houses shared) waking us up early every morning( so I would phone them in the middle of the night and wake them up and then hang up to let them know how it feels) and we could even hear them f*cking every night too, the bed banging against the wall;it was so gross, they were sooo obnoxious and annoying, so to discourage him from parking on our property we gave him a little “incentive” to go park elsewhere: my hubby would undo the valves on the tires of his van (I dubbed the Baboonmobile) and let the air out.He also stuck nails in the tires. He did this on numerous occasions but the stupid f*cker still never got the hint, so when he’d park there  and leave his window open we’d toss in a sticky cup of cola,or turn our lawn sprinklers on, and we’d stick peanut butter sandwiches on the windshield and headlights ( a Baboonmobile sandwich) and they’d throw eggs at our house so we’d put them in their mailbox, along with a big rat trap……and so on and on it went….it was war.

Then one day the losers decided to move( yay!) so on that day we threw this epic party in celebration and  to bid them farewell and good riddance. We invited all our friends over and rocked the house. We had the music blasted and blaring so loud it shook both our houses. We used the backyard fence dividing the properties as a net and played badminton, my friend J peed on their doorstep(and gave my dog a bowl of beer and he was staggering around, drunk), my hubby put his licence plate on backwards, we had made and erected a big sign that read, Farewell Losers! and when they finally did move away he made some smart-ass remark to us and a friend of his that was helping him move just gave him this incredulous look, as if he was thinking, What’s wrong with you,man? like he thought he was the biggest asshole on Earth, which, of course, he was. We’d expected they’d call the cops during the party,too, but they didn’t. They didn’t have the nerve. In fact, we didn’t hear one peep out of them all night.


True story. Honest-to-God. It was in the late 1980’s when I was prego with my first child. So that’s the story of the Baboon and the Epic Party. As well, the 14 and 16 YR olds wanted to give Buddy a bath so I let them as long as they didn’t dye, crop, dock, shave, or cut anything, but they forgot to dry him and he came back dripping wet so I had to take him back upstairs and blow-dry him, and the college teachers rejected the latest offer and the strike’s been going on for 5 weeks now so the provincial gov’t’s going to legislate them back to work, which they should have done a long time ago. This has gone on long enough. Enough of this shit. If it goes any longer the students are going to lose their semester! What they should also do is fire every one of those greedy bastards that are holding the kids’ education “hostage” and hire new teachers that will grateful to even have a job!


Screen Shot 11-06-17 at 08.14 AM My hubby got quite  a surprise when we went to pour himself a bowl of cereal: there was a live mouse in the cereal box, as you can see here if you look closely. I know it’s hard to see in the photo but you’re looking down, into the cereal box from the top, and the mouse is the dark thing in the top upper left corner.You can see his pointy nose and head sticking out. He announced his find to me like this: We have to get mouse traps again! and when I asked How do you know? he showed me! When it gets cold for the winter the field mice start to come indoors to keep warm and we get them in our kitchen cupboards and find them, or evidence of them( such as chew marks or their little shitties) usually nibbling on our cereal boxes or Pop Tarts in our house every winter. In the summer it’s ants. The pests tend to be seasonal but the kids are all-year long.

The 14 YR old also said that she has a baby bat in her room, and when my mother and I were watching the news and when the redneck sports came on and she groaned, Oh, not this again! and told me to Just turn it off and put the time back on! and the 14 YR old heard and said, But I thought you (said) you liked sports? but in actual reality she doesn’t any more than I do; we both think it’s a meaningless waste of time and low-class and we mute it when it comes on the news; she just tells my hubby what he wants to hear when he said she doesn’t mind it and she didn’t deny it even though she actually hates it and the 2 of them always stick together and back eachother up,no matter what, like a couple of villians always scheming, plotting and teaming up together all the time.

Funny as well: the eating disorders clinic tells us how we have to increase fats in the 14 YR old’s diet such as by adding butter and sour cream even if I have to sneak it in and hide it in food,making her paranoid now and she hates, so when she went to eat out at a restaurant and a waitress asked (I presume for the potato) if they wanted butter or sour cream with that she was horrified and she goes, What, are they trying to force it onto everyone now? and she said the story of my little toy zebra makes her cry as well which I found touching and reveals her tender side; it’s about how when I was in Kindergarden I lost my little toy zebra in the snow one day walking to school and every day I would keep looking for it on the way to school, hoping I would find it and even once spring came, after the snow had melted I still kept looking, hoping that one day I would still find it but I never did. I still remember it though. It’s weird some things you never forget.

Our scale is broken so there’s no way to know for sure but by the way I look and feel now I would guess I have gained back 10 pounds probably of the over-50 pounds I’d lost over the past few months without trying either way. The only difference was having the colon polyp removed. I just hope that the rest of the weight doesn’t also come back though as it’s nice being, well, I wouldn’t say thin again, but not fat anymore,either, and I’d like to stay this way, yet at the same time once I gained back a bit of the weight I could actually feel different, it felt more like me, like my I had almost lost my cover, my shell, my protective layer, my insulation, and once a bit of it came back I felt like I was back in my own “skin” again so to speak. I looked and felt more like myself.



My Day.

Screen Shot 10-31-17 at 12.55 PM

Yesterday I had a nice quiet relaxing day to myself with my hubby and the kids ( except for the 10 YR old and the 23 YR old) away in Toronto all day. I didn’t have to think about planning, preparing, or supervising meals, I didn’t have to keep track of or watch the clock or worry what time it was, I didn’t have to stick to any schedule; I could just do whatever at whatever pace I wanted without having to always think ahead of what I have to do next and how much time I have left until I have to start planning ahead to that.  It’s too cold and rainy now to be able to be outside anymore but I had a nice quiet day inside hanging out with my dog. I also cut my hair,read,  watched The Blacklist and Criminal Minds and had a nice long relaxing bath. It was just the perfect day I needed to take time off my usual schedule and not have to think, plan, prepare, schedule, watch the clock, or do anything. I didn’t even have to think. I had all the free time I wanted and no rush. It was also quiet and just a perfect day to unwind and de-stress. All I had to do was walk the dog.

At the clinic the other day one of the therapists also kept saying how much she just loves my new tie-dyed socks (seen in the photo here) so I gave her the link where she can order it online and the 14 YR old scoffed, She doesn’t really like your ugly socks! She was just being nice! but if that was the case then she’d never have to say anything at all, not even mention it, and we’d told the kids how in therapy we were told not to name-call or insult so the 10 YR old called me Hey….not smart person….. I told him I thought we weren’t supposed to be mean and name-call? he replied, I didn’t call you stupid although later on when I told him to get back and do his math he did call me stupid and retard and then he started freaking out when Buddy was barking at him defending me when he was yelling at me and the dog saw him as aggressive, as a threat. At least my dog loves me.

I’ve also been waiting over a month for my hubby to pick up my coconut oil when he was near the store that sells it and he finally got it and then told me that he actually did have it all along; that he got it before but just kept it all this time making me think he didn’t pick it up, just to make me wait, to watch me squirm and stew, to prolong my wait and watch my reaction as time goes on, playing with me, mind games, and the like, ( but in this case I’d just given up and got baby oil for my moisturizer instead thinking I was never going to get the coconut oil)and they always do things like this with me and then wonder why I get so pissed off.  The college faculty is still on strike,too,and it’s been 3 weeks so far, and the 23 YR old’s GF has been staying here with us during the strike since she has no classes anyway. I just hope they don’t lose their semester or their year…

The shitty way my family treats me and how much happier I am when they’re not here (such as when they go away or I do) makes me think of how much easier life would be without kids,and the way they always mindf*ck me, twist everything around all the time, blame me,and all the games they play with my mind (I still don’t know for sure if I’m being poisoned or not) also makes me wonder at times if maybe I am the problem and maybe there really is something wrong with me(but then others validate me and reassure me it’s them that’s the problem and not me, that I’m the victim of abuse) and they’ve broken me so hard I’ve lost sight of who I really am and getting away from this toxic situation looks more appealing all the time.Sometimes their emotional abuse gets so bad I think I’m going crazy and I don’t know what to think or what to believe anymore or what’s real and and I can no longer tell fact from fiction and lose sight of reality causing me to basically just drop out of life. I’ve had enough. I can’t keep doing this . I really need and appreciate when I get My Day, giving me back a little slice of life the way it used to be.