The other day the 14 YR old came to me and said the 16 YR old didn’t believe her when she told her the story of the Baboon and the Epic Party. She thought that she was making it up and that it sounded like something from out of a movie and I confirmed that yes, it really was true and it really did happen and that we weren’t making it up. You see, the Baboon (I named him that) was this obnoxious neighbour we had when we first moved to Ottawa. He wasn’t even really our neighbour but rather his girlfriend(they were both highschool teachers) and her 2 sons were actually, but he was always over there and stayed overnight( what a “great” example she was setting for her kids, huh?) and he had this van that always leaked oil only instead of parking it in her driveway the asshole would always park it in front of our house leaving a big oil stain behind. At first we’d asked him nicely to move it and not park there but he refused and just continued to get more obnoxious, so my hubby and I decided to take matters into our own hands….
They would also purposely slam doors and run around really loudly early in the morning to annoy us ( there was a wall the 2 houses shared) waking us up early every morning( so I would phone them in the middle of the night and wake them up and then hang up to let them know how it feels) and we could even hear them f*cking every night too, the bed banging against the wall;it was so gross, they were sooo obnoxious and annoying, so to discourage him from parking on our property we gave him a little “incentive” to go park elsewhere: my hubby would undo the valves on the tires of his van (I dubbed the Baboonmobile) and let the air out.He also stuck nails in the tires. He did this on numerous occasions but the stupid f*cker still never got the hint, so when he’d park there and leave his window open we’d toss in a sticky cup of cola,or turn our lawn sprinklers on, and we’d stick peanut butter sandwiches on the windshield and headlights ( a Baboonmobile sandwich) and they’d throw eggs at our house so we’d put them in their mailbox, along with a big rat trap……and so on and on it went….it was war.
Then one day the losers decided to move( yay!) so on that day we threw this epic party in celebration and to bid them farewell and good riddance. We invited all our friends over and rocked the house. We had the music blasted and blaring so loud it shook both our houses. We used the backyard fence dividing the properties as a net and played badminton, my friend J peed on their doorstep(and gave my dog a bowl of beer and he was staggering around, drunk), my hubby put his licence plate on backwards, we had made and erected a big sign that read, Farewell Losers! and when they finally did move away he made some smart-ass remark to us and a friend of his that was helping him move just gave him this incredulous look, as if he was thinking, What’s wrong with you,man? like he thought he was the biggest asshole on Earth, which, of course, he was. We’d expected they’d call the cops during the party,too, but they didn’t. They didn’t have the nerve. In fact, we didn’t hear one peep out of them all night.
True story. Honest-to-God. It was in the late 1980’s when I was prego with my first child. So that’s the story of the Baboon and the Epic Party. As well, the 14 and 16 YR olds wanted to give Buddy a bath so I let them as long as they didn’t dye, crop, dock, shave, or cut anything, but they forgot to dry him and he came back dripping wet so I had to take him back upstairs and blow-dry him, and the college teachers rejected the latest offer and the strike’s been going on for 5 weeks now so the provincial gov’t’s going to legislate them back to work, which they should have done a long time ago. This has gone on long enough. Enough of this shit. If it goes any longer the students are going to lose their semester! What they should also do is fire every one of those greedy bastards that are holding the kids’ education “hostage” and hire new teachers that will grateful to even have a job!