The Clock Radio.

Clockradio I have this clock radio( similar to the one pictured here) on my bedside table so I can see the time during the night and listen to the radio( the rock station of course) and around 5 am(it was still dark and I was fumbling around, half asleep) I started coughing so I reached over for a drink and my bracelet somehow got caught on the cord of the clock radio and when I jerked my arm away it went flying and landed on the floor and as I fumbled around in the dark, eyes half open, trying to pick it up I must have pushed some buttons as when I retrieved it the time was wrong and kept flashing and the radio channel was gone and it was silent…..oh, f*ck…..just great….just what I need at 5 am when I still want to go back to sleep….

So I put on my mini flashlight and tried fiddling around with it to re-set the time and the radio and it took me 30 minutes to try and figure it out and I finally got the right radio station but the sound was really low, almost non-existant and I had to hold it pressed up close to my ear to even hear it the faintest bit and the clock I couldn’t get as it uses the same buttons to set as the radio and every time I’d try to get the right time I’d lose the radio station so I just gave up on the clock and opted for the music and had my hubby take a look at it later in the day to see if he could fix it since he’s the smart one and he could probably figure it out in like under 5 minutes….

….and so he did, and in no time at all, only instead of doing it upstairs he unplugged it and brought it downstairs and so by the time I had brought it back upstairs and re-plugged it in again the time was wrong again and I still have no idea how to fix it right and he didn’t want to walk upsrairs to fix it again so it still has the wrong time flashing but at least now I have the music back and the volume is louder and I have no idea how he did it as I don’t even see a volume button on it…..but in the process he also somehow set the alarm for 4:50 am so now in the mornings I get blasted awake by this annoying beep and I have no idea how to disable it,either; I pushed the button that looks like a bell I assume is the alarm but it still keeps going off every morning. Shit……why does everythingalways have to be so hard for me all the time?

Speaking of hard and of things always going wrong and never working out for me, I thought trying to grow my sunflowers indoors would keep the seeds safe from being eaten before they could grow….but now the damn mice inside dug out and ate my new seeds so I had to try it yet again,third time, and now I have no seeds left, and this time I elevated them high up on a tall glass tower( balanced high on top of a glass vase in the windowsill as they can’t climb up glass) and put a mouse trap beside it( and I caught one of the little f*ckers today,too!!) so hopefully that will work. WTF though? Why is it so hard just to grow my sunflowers? I mean, all I want is sunflowers! Why is it so hard? My hubby said maybe it’s not meant to be…..not meant to be that I have sunflowers? really? how about more like it’s just something else that doesn’t go right for me….all I want are some sunflowers……it shouldn’t have to be that hard!

The 11 YR old also announced that he’s non-binary and I thought he meant the gender thing( and to tell you the truth I’m not even entirely sure what that term even means) and when I asked him if he even knew what that means and then he  came out with some long complicated math term! Geniuses really freak me out, and child geniuses even more so, my God…I keep seeing these black squares moving all around my computer monitor as well only I don’t know if my computer or monitor that’s the problem or if it’s my eyes, and now I found my music headphones snapped and broken into 3 pieces, obviously NOT an “accident” twice sabotaged, and the 14 YR old was impressed she met an activist who had marched on Parliament Hill thinking it was like climbing a mountain or something, like scaling Everest, and then I told her it just means attending a protest, rally, or demonstration in front of the gov’t buildings in Ottawa, like how I attended that Communist party rally when I was around 19.; it doesn’t mean that you actually marched up a hill.




Alpha1New  I saw the gastro specialist and got my test results: no blockages or scar tissue(from my gallbladder surgery) obstructing my bile ducts….but the genetic testing did come back positive: it turns out I am a carrier ( I inherited one of the defective genes from one of my parents. If I inherited two; that is, one from each, I would have a much more severe case) for the Alpha 1 antitrypsin deficiency, meaning my liver lacks the enzyme it needs for itself and the lungs in order for proper functioning, explaining my liver(eg. elevated enzymes, liver failure with my last pregnancy and Obstetric Cholestasis, gallbladder issues, abdomenal pain,etc.) and breathing issues and increasing risk for me to also have other related liver and lung conditions, interestingly also aneurysms, which I once had a dream was going to be my eventual cause of death: an abdomenal aortic aneurysm. The doctor said it’s also worsened by smoking( but I smoke weed rarely; I generally use the cannabis oil) and as I’m a carrier my kids have a 50% chance of also being carriers of the defective gene themselves, unless, of course, my hubby also happens to have passed on the same thing, although that’s highly unlikely as it’s fairly rare….that’s me, I’m always that rare one-out-of-a – million, unlikely statistic….

When I announced this to my mother a scowl came across her face in denial and the first words out of her mouth were a curt, Well, that must have come from your father’s side!! although the more I think about it I think it’s more likely that it actually came from her side of the family since there are several relatives on her side that have had both liver and gallbladder issues,incl. even cancers, and besides, she’s the one with the genetic issues given the inbreeding with both her grandparents and great-grandparents, both of whom married first and second cousins, so there’s also that… in any case, there’s no “cure”; just something chronic that I have to live with and I just try and manage the symptoms, such as milk thistle can ease the liver, diet(some people find wheat, gluten, or dairy-free helps them, or less gassy foods) can help with my IBS, Benadryl for the itching,etc.

This also explains why my entire life I’ve had breathing problems, get short of breath, am exerted easily, have that nagging cough,tightness in chest, etc. and this proves those gym teachers in school wrong who always accused me of just faking it, pretending I had a breathing problem when I said I can’t run around the gym or I get out of breath, dizzy and faint and will pass out…..they said it was just an excuse, and even my own family does as well and accuse me of just being fat and lazy and inventing some imaginary breathing problem as an excuse (why I can’t walk far, run up and down the stairs, do strenous stuff,etc.) but now I have validation, actual proof, a definitive diagnosis, an answer, an explanation. My hubby was happy as well less medical appt’s now too he has to drive me to because apparantly it’s such a big effort, hassle, burden, and time and effort for him to take the time to take me, even though he also takes my mother to all her appt’s and the kids to all their activities and has no problem with it….but anything for me is always such a problem….

My hubby also said he applied for another job but it’s in Ottawa so if he gets it we’d have to move closer to there so he can drive into the city there for work but due to our past trauma there we can’t live directly in Ottawa itself, but rather in another township nearby in close vicinity but not exactly in Ottawa, and besides, after the trauma we endured there I can never go back there again, let alone move back there and live there; that would certainly set back my healing and recovery and completely undo whatever progress I might have made over the years since we left. I just wouldn’t feel safe there anymore,anyway.

When I came back home after my app’t Buddy was so happy to see me as well; he always runs over and is excited but this time he was even crying when I came in the door; he was whining, running around in circles, wagging his tail furiously it was going ’round and ’round in circles like a propeller, jumping up at my legs for me to pick him up, it was so sweet and it was so nice to be missed and to be greeted like that. I know he loves me. ♥The 11 YR old said he was sad and mopey the entire time I was gone as well and just sat there on the stair landing or in front of the front door, head hung down, sulking, forlorn, waiting for me to come home.



FlowersMay2018 It’s now lilac season. I’ve always loved lilacs; they have the best scent ever. My fave are the purple ones, which are the most common although they do also come in pink and white.I remember when I was a kid my Babushka and my aunt used to have them in their backyards. So I went and picked some and filled up 5 vases thru the house to fill the entire place with the sweet glorious fragrance. Here in the photo I added some lilacs to a bouquet I already had. Unlike when I was a bold, brazen kid and I’d snatch them from anywhere, even off people’s properties(I even remember getting caught a few times, incl. one time where the homeowner physically grabbed me, restraining me and threatened to call the police but I broke free and took off), now(I have better ethics) I only take them from public areas, and these ones I got from a public area, along a pathway beside the waterfront.

As I was snapping them off( after years of practice I don’t even need clippers, I’ve become adept at just bending and pulling them off  just the right way with my bare hands) there was this bird that kept hovering overhead near me and kept squawking, likely it had a nest there it didn’t want me to disturb, and being by the water and looking out onto the bay reminded me of fond, happy memories of when I was a kid at the cottage too, at the beach , swimming in the lake and going on the motorboats. I’ve always loved the water.

SunflowersNew I also had to change my plans and revise my sunflower garden. I went to water the newly-planted seeds today and to my dismay I saw that the soil had all been overturned and dug up and the seeds were scattered along the top, cracked open and eaten by either the damn birds or squirrels so what I did instead is(luckily I still had another pack of seeds left!) I used the container seen in the photo above, which has 12 little compartments, and filled each one with soil and planted one seed in each and put it in the windowsill where we get sun, the idea being they can grow indoors and then once they become seedlings I can transplant them back outside once they’re bigger and stronger and no longer a seed that can be eaten.

My hubby was ripping into me again for muting the redneck sports on the news again even though it’s the one thing I just can’t stand and he hardly ever even watches the news anyway; that’s my thing, but he still thinks he takes priority and can just take over and what he wants over-rides and over-rules everything and everyone else, and I don’t care if he watches it; he can watch it all he wants on his own, just not when I’m in the room; I don’t want to see or hear it, so then him and my mother tell me to leave the room, even though I’m the one that’s actually watching the news and I was there first, and she hates it,too, and mutes it or leaves when it comes on, but when he’s around she still always takes his side and they always gang up against me, and then he says he’s not going to drive me to my medical app’ts or anywhere else, trying to threaten me, just because I mute it, even though driving family to app’ts and activities is still part of his responsibility to this family whether I mute sports or not, and he knows that(and redneck country music) is the one thing that really annoys me and I won’t tolerate in my presence, which is precisely why he makes such a big deal out of it; just to aggravate me and to try and threaten, control, and “punish” me. I long for the day when I never have to look at his pointy nose and his beady little eyes ever again….he’s such an asshole….. I just want to walk away and never look back.


IMG_1380[1] Now it’s the long weekend in May and safe from frost traditionally I planted the sunflower seeds for my garden this year. I hope they work though and the birds don’t eat the seeds before they have a chance to grow. I have them poolside, leaning up against the fence. I’m looking forward to it so I hope they work, and I put an entire pack of seeds in, allowing for likely half to die so we’ll see how many flowers I end up with and if I die before they bloom in late summer then every time my family sees them they can remember me by my sunflower garden.Every time they see the sunflowers they can think of me.

We also had a BBQ and if today is my last day alive I had a good day; I planted sunflowers, I smelled lilacs; I spent it outside with the 11 YR old who was bouncing on the trampoline and when I took Buddy out for his walks the lilacs were out on the neighbours’ and I could smell their sweet fragrance every time I went by and I love the rhythm of the neighbourhood as I go on our walks too and don’t want to move. The girls tried to cut my hubby’s hair too only they forgot to put the clipper on the razor so now he has some bald patches(it’s really noticeable too but he can always wear a hat for a couple of weeks until it grows back in) and when I came home from church yesterday and got undressed I noticed I’d worn my blouse inside-out the entire time, but it was one of those gauze, flowy, embroidered “Peasant” blouses so it sort of looks the same way either way so hopefully no one even noticed…

Cupcakes The 16 YR old also baked these “sundae” cupcakes and most people thought they were too sweet but that’s the point. Buddy and I loved them. I also heard this song on my radio last night when I was in bed from The Who (one of my fave. bands) I recognized from when I was a kid and it brought back happy nostalgic memories and I wanted to get it for my iPod only I didn’t know the title and only remembered a few words from the lyrics this morning when I got up and they have literally hundreds of songs so it was really hard trying to find it and then the inspiration just suddenly popped into my head, Check under Pete Townshend…. as he was the main writer for most of their songs…..and sure enough, I found it! It was actually one of his  solo songs, and not from The Who as such, which was why I was having so much trouble finding it before as I was checking under the band name. The name of the song is Let My Love Open The Door, BTW, in case you were wondering.

I also see the gastro doc this week and he’ll have answers to my tests such as the scan to see if I do have blocked bile ducts or any other liver issues and if the genetic test came back positive for the liver enzyme that also affects the lungs so hopefully I’ll have some answers but I fear it’ll be the same as always; they’ll say that all the tests came back normal and still no explanation for my symptoms and pain…then the week after I see the cardiologist, the handsome Egyptian guy and I will be nervous and awkward for that app’t because he’s just so hot and I’ll be distracted and it’ll be hard for me to be able to concentrate on what he’s saying to me when all I can think about is how much I want to f*ck him and imagining kissing every inch of his glorious bronzed body….oh, my God…..


Liar, Liar.

PantsOnFire Remember that little rhyme from when we were kids: Liar, liar, pants on fire? That’s what was going thru my head today: last night I was looking out my bedroom window at 10 pm when I was up in bed as 2 police cars were across the street(and going from house to house with flashlights peeking in backyards) and some neighbours were loudly setting off fireworks( which made poor Buddy go ape-shit; he was shaking and scared and kept whimpering and hid under the bed) so I looked out my window to see what was going on(because I’m nosey like that) and I also happened to see at the same time the 16 YR old coming home from work walking home alone by herself in the dark at night which she knows isn’t safe and she isn’t allowed to do.She either gets a ride or the 23 YR old walks her at night.

Now normally my hubby picks her up but he decided last night for some reason he’d rather go see a movie than pick her up and she wasn’t able to get a ride home with anyone so she walked, even though she should have called a taxi as it’s just not safe for a female to be walking alone at night; you can get raped or killed….and when I confronted  them today about what I saw he told me that she told him she got a ride home last night, which was an obvious lie as I saw her with my own eyes walking alone, and when I asked her she told me that she never told him that; that he’s making it up….so either way someone is obviously lying and they both are compulsive liars I have caught lying many times before so now the dilemma is which one to believe? Which one is lying this time? Who is telling the truth? There’s no way to know since they both are known for lying and due to it I can’t trust or believe either one. That’s the thing with liars: once someone lies to you, you never believe them again.

This time, however, I have a “feeling” that it’s the 16 YR old that’s lying; she probably just told him she got a ride home so she wouldn’t get in trouble for walking home alone when she knows she’s not supposed to. Now she also has emergency taxi $$$$ in her purse to carry with her at all times as well from now on in case something similar happens again and she doesn’t have a ride; if for some reason she ends up stranded somewhere, whether at work or if out anywhere, with friends or whatever; if my hubby can’t pick her up for some reason, an emergency or whatever, and no one else can get her, or if the friend she’s with they have a fight or something and she gets ditched or if the driver’s been drinking, or whatever; it’s best to have the emergency $$$$ in case she has to call a taxi. She also doesn’t see the big deal or why I was so mad but I just want her to be safe and also one thing I won’t tolerate is lying.

MarkleDress The Royal Wedding between Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle was yesterday as well and although I didn’t watch it I was still eager to see her gown and I was disappointed that it was so plain, so simple.(My mother said it looked like a bedsheet) I was expecting something fancy(esp. for a Royal wedding) like with beads, pearls, sequins, lace, etc. on it, with intricate beading and detail and it was just so …blah… I was surprised and let-down. I expected alot more. I think Kate’s gown was nicer, but my fave. was Princess Diana’s; now she had a really gorgeous gown! Generally I’m not into the Royals but I have to admit I’d take a few peeks here and there and keep up on wedding details(although in secret as my hubby would make fun of me) as it is kind of fun to be a part of the excitement, and besides, weddings are big events for girls and we always love discussing the dress, and who doesn’t love a good love story, and a fairy-tale wedding where the girl marries her prince, am I right? ♥

Open Windows.

window My hubby didn’t get that job he wanted and applied for, the one he had the interview for last week as they wanted someone more local, who could be right there and be in the office every day, on site, not working remotely from a home office like he does. He said how if we lived closer to the city it would have been possible but at the same time we also can’t afford to live any closer to the city as the houses the closer you get there are all out of our price range. He says he would have alot more opportunities for work if only we could move closer to the city but it’s just not possible due to the high costs so I really don’t know what we’re going to do. Maybe the best solution would be just for him to rent a room in the city somewhere during the week and work and just come home on weekends? He certainly doesn’t want to have to commute the 2 hour-plus drive each way there and back every day to work and yet at the same time there’s no way we can afford to buy a house any closer other than where we already are, so what do we do?

My mother said that when A door closes, a window opens…. and that one ending is another beginning…. indicating that when one opportunity is gone another will show up,and that when one thing is over something new is about to begin; in other words, God provides, which I know He always does, and I’ve also heard a similar expression used meaning the same thing as when one door closes, another opens but my worry is, with our bad luck, what if all of the doors and windows are all closed? What if all of them are all closed and locked up and nothing opens for us? Then what? For other people they have lots of windows and doors that are wide open, and for others some are open and some are closed, but I fear for us that they will always remain closed and never open… and if I ever did walk by an open window my first instinct would be to jump out.

Ponderings For Today.






















As well, when I was out walking Buddy, my hubby said my family doctor called me but I was taking too long so he said he’ll call back later today for a phone consult but I have no idea why as there’s no recent test results he’d ordered that we’re waiting on or anything , just the results of  tests that the specialists(gastro and cardio) had ordered and I’m seeing them next week and the week after so I wonder if maybe it has to do with one of those then perhaps, and that they sent a copy to him and he’s calling about some abnormal result of theirs that he just got a copy of that he wants to book further testing on to look more closely into, like maybe book a biopsy, a scope, a scan, or something…..? What else could it be? Now I’m really curious….