The Cake.

Screen Shot 06-23-17 at 03.30 PM 001 This is the birthday cake the 16 YR old made herself (with help from the 14 YR old) for her party and dance later tonight. It took her pretty well all day. It’s a few layers and both vanilla and chocolate cake.  It’s going to be one epic party,too, and she’s going to have 16 guests as well as the 14 and 18 YR old, and will be serving a meat tray, veggie tray, cheese platter, fruit tray, melted chocolate fountain fondue to dip marshmallows in, pasta, mashed potatoes, meatballs, salad, chips, candy, pop, the cake,etc.. this is going to be one that goes down in history! She is a diva though and always has to do everything in grand style!

I also have bad cramps (I’m seriously too old for this shit anymore!) and I think “Aunt Flow” is coming, so far a week late, and I took a chance and ate that ham that might have been outdated(what can I say, I live on the edge) and shortly after I ate it my stomach felt sick so I guess it was really rotten afterall, and I also tried camel meat! The 18 YR old had some and it was in a meat patty on a bun with a sweet sauce and it was actually quite good! I also found out she’d taken the train to go to her BF’s graduation; that’s where she was when no one would tell me, and I have no problem with it; I just like to know where my kids are and who they’re with and plus there’s also the safety issue too; you need to know where they are and where to look in case something happens or they go missing. She’s also going back up to see him for Canada Day and they’re going to Ottawa for the 150th festivities.

Screen Shot 06-22-17 at 08.21 AM This is also my fave. photo of myself, taken 10 YRS ago when I was 40, 2 months after I’d had my youngest child. It’s actually the only one where I don’t look too bad so that’s why I like it. Usually I look so hideous I break the camera but in this one I don’t think I actually look half bad and for me that’s really saying alot .Usually I look like either a troll or a drag queen which is why I don’t generally take many photos of myself and hate seeing photos of me. If I were ever to go on a dating site this would be the photo I’d use, ha,ha..holy shit though I’ve really aged since then due to stress….oh, my God!. We also have had lots of rain lately, incl. a big storm last night that woke me up at 1:20 am, incl. more flooding again. I don’t think it’s ever going to stop….I think I’m going to have to start building an ark pretty soon…I’m so tired of all this rain!

Shut Up, You!

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 07.08 PM Once again when I was asking the 14 YR old something she huffed, Don’t talk to me!! and that’s just the typical way the kids, my hubby, and my mother all speak to me, with disrespect, contempt, disdain, condescension, belittlement, and scorn. Anything that I have to say isn’t important, doesn’t matter, doesn’t count, isn’t valued, is vetoed, is never considered or factored, and no one ever wants to hear it. I am always being silenced.

Anything I have to say is quickly dismissed, shut down, interrupted, quieted, shot down, vetoed, insulted, mocked, ridiculed, talked over, laughed off, ignored, disregarded, never taken seriously, discouraged, etc. they say they don’t want to hear it, don’t want to listen, don’t care, it isn’t important, it doesn’t matter, they don’t have time, who cares, no one cares, shut up, no one asked you, mind your own business, no one’s talking to you,Who cares what you say, no one cares what you think etc..

I feel so invisible, so insignificant, so small, so devalued, so unwanted, so second-class.Like I’m nothing.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 02.29 PMMy thoughts, opinions, needs, input, etc. is never considered either, even when it comes to big family decisions or problems, such as when the hall got renovated, or for painting( should we or not, what colour to use) no one ever asks me or my opinion or what I think, in fact, they don’t even discuss it with me or even ask me! I’m left out of all important family discussions, financially, life changing, involving the kids, etc. No one ever tells me anything , asks my opinion or input, and I’m always the last to know anything, even about the possibility we might be considering moving sometime in the near future; I have no say in the matter; whether I want to or not is irrelevant, and I don’t get a “vote”, or a say; my voice doesn’t count, and I overheard too the 18 YR old took a train somewhere to visit someone until the weekend too but no one would tell me where or who, even though I am the mother and would just like to know where my child is and who she’s with and I do have the right to know but I’m left out of everything. They’re really pushed me out in so many ways and it’s very hurtful. Eventually I’m just going to give up trying to get back in.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.25 PMAs well, after I had weed, all the furniture was dancing all around the livingroom, and the 16 YR old wants a summer job and she has a job interview at a hair salon next week and in 2 weeks the 22 YR old comes back after being in California for 2 months and next week the pool guys come and open the pool for the season,too, and the 22 YR old and his GF were on a late-night show as well! They were in the audience during a live taping and he got interviewed by the host! I don’t know the name of it though; I don’t watch late night stuff but I know the host was some British guy because I saw a video of  the clip.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.14 PM The 16 YR old also got a cute little hamster for her birthday! She’s always wanted one, for like the past 7 YRS or so but my hubby hates pets and was always refusing but he finally gave in. It’s name is Tug and it lives in her bedroom but we have to make sure she keeps her door shut so Buddy doesn’t go in there and EAT it, esp. since Dachshunds are bred for hunting and he does like to go after the mice and chipmunks.I had a hamster,named Hammy, that looked just like this when I was a kid and I also had mice, guinea pigs and gerbils. My hubby also sold one of our family businesses to his brother and nephew, (the mobile laser tag) but we still have the vending machines and now all 15 of them have all finally been placed.

 

 

Julio And His Friends.

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I still remember Julio and his friends. When I was in Cuba every night I would go to the beach to watch the sun set and I would grab a lounge chair and sit underneath my 2 fave. palm trees and one night there was this group of Cubans in their early 20’s I’d guess that worked at the resort and they were having fun in the water, being boisterous, laughing, yelling, joking around, calling out to eachother, and this one guy would leave the group and run to the shore and someone kept calling out to him to come back, Julio! and then in grand style he’d run back to join his friends and do a somersault on the sand halfway into his run and then jump back into the water.  I enjoyed watching Julio and his friends goofing around, cavorting in the water and having fun, and it reminded me of the fun I used to have with my YMCA group and friends and now whenever I think of my Cuba trip I think about Julio and his friends, they have sort of come to symbolize the happiness and joy I felt at the beach, and on my vacation, and they now have become “immortalized” in this blog, even though they have no idea. For me, Julio and his friends are Cuba.

As well, my mother saw the doctor yesterday for her 6 month check-up and she was worried that he’d find something else wrong with her but the only thing was her BP was really low so he lowered her BP meds; that’s it, and my hubby was only able to drive her to her app’t 45 minutes before as he was “too busy” so she had to sit there in the waiting room and wait for 45 minutes! When I said I thought that was unreasonable and too long she shrugged in resignation, I’ve had to wait my whole life; I’m used to it and I told her, That still doesn’t make it right, and he bawled me out,too, because I gave the 14 YR old her lunch 10 minutes early because it best suited my schedule as I was hot and wanted to go in the shade to cool off and he snorted, You just want to go outside? but my plans, schedule, needs, feelings, and routine aren’t important and don’t matter even though it makes more sense for me to give her lunch first and then go out and be able to stay out for awhile rather than to go out for just 10 minutes and then have to come back in again! Besides, we were supposed to divide up and share the job of planning, preparing and serving out all her meals and snacks for her weight restoration between him, my mother, and I but it turned out somehow that I ended up doing it all just myself so he should just shut up!! I’m so sick of his shit.

Screen Shot 06-19-17 at 03.36 PM 001Here’s also a gross picture I took when I noticed how I had my right leg twisted and you could actually see part of the bone popping out! Isn’t that just creepy? Look carefully, do you see it?The 14 YR old is also going to a performing arts camp in Toronto all of July and the 18 YR old is a leader at Cadets camp all summer, and the stupid Kodi for the TV wasn’t working for me yet again (big surprise!) as I was trying to get the news on, and no one would help me and I was getting mad and they were all laughing at me, goading and taunting me and making fun of me and my mother yelled at me, Shut the f*ck up! and the 16 YR old was spraying water at me from a spray bottle thinking that would “shut me up”, and no one ever helps me( my mother said they’re “tired” of always having to help me, well excuse me for being stupid and always needing help) and they always belittle me, berate and criticize me, and make fun of me and I’m just so sick of it! It really tears me down and hurts my feelings.It makes me just want to curl up and withdraw into myself even more and distance myself from them even further. They’re just  all such assholes that treat me like shit and I really don’t belong here where I feel I’m not wanted, loved, valued, respected, treated with dignity and kindness. I so desperately want to leave but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go….. I pray every day that God shows me a way…

Adjectives.

Screen Shot 06-18-17 at 11.15 AM Here are different adjectives that have been used during my life that people have used to describe me:

  • ugly
  • fat
  • stupid
  • annoying
  • weird
  • dog
  • Frankenstein Face
  • worthless
  • useless
  • failure
  • free spirit
  • rebellious
  • outspoken
  • off-beat
  • opinionated
  • unique
  • crazy
  • religious
  • sensitive
  • paranoid
  • individual
  • Marxist
  • Communist
  • anarchist
  • hippie
  • pothead
  • druggie
  • unlucky
  • quirky
  • mouthy
  • loud
  • funky
  • lazy
  • stubborn
  • immature
  • imaginative
  • creative
  • worry-wart

As well, today one of the kids turns 16, and next weekend she’s having a big party and dance and she’s booked the local highschool for the venue, and yesterday morning just minutes before she was to leave for church in the morning someone picked her up and she left in a car…..I was mad….I thought she either forgot about church or just blew it off and went out regardless but luckily she returned in time to go to the evening Mass so it all worked out. My hubby also went out so we had to walk to church and it was really hot, with a humidex of 37 C and I thought I was going to pass out plus the sore on my foot was bleeding from my sandals rubbing on it as I walked but luckily on the way back it rained and was windy so it cooled it down.

It would have been nice if he’d told me earlier that he wasn’t going to be here and then I could have gone in the morning and got a ride and not had to walk in the heat but he just tells me 10 minutes before I’m ready to go! Good news,too: the grumpy priest said he’s leaving the end of July as he’s been reassigned! yay! I hope his replacement will be nice! I also saw a lady in front of me and she had no booty! None at all; it was just flat; her back and booty just went straight down together, just flat, and I’ve never seen anything like it before, and I thought to myself, it must be hard sitting, with no padding ( I don’t have that problem; I have lots of junk in the trunk) and even wondered if she maybe had cancer or something and had her ass cheeks surgically cut off? It was the strangest thing….she needs some butt implants! 😀

Last night while watching the news an emergency broadcast also came across the screen  interrupting it with a tornado warning saying to take cover immediately and then later on the same thing happened on the radio,too, and now we have another severe thunderstorm warning as well but June is tornado season though! I also forgot that I was steaming carrots and I left it on there and went to have a bath….and all the water had evaporated away and the pot had burned dry…..holy shit….I hadn’t even had any weed, either, it was just me being me….it really shook me up, I’m just always so forgetful all the time, it’s like I have Alzheimer’s or something…. it makes me feel so stupid and my mother scolded me, You can’t do that!( leaving something on the stove and forgetting about it) but I told her, forgot; I didn’t do it on purpose!

 

Ugly.

Screen Shot 06-15-17 at 07.12 PM As you know, I’m ugly. I found this on Twitter from Ugly People Problems and it fits me perfectly. It’s like it was just made for me. It’s almost like I wrote it myself and I can sooooo relate to it.

Screen Shot 06-15-17 at 07.11 PM 001 Soooo true. The story of my life.

Screen Shot 06-15-17 at 07.11 PM Just tragically funny. It’s really hard being ugly but things like this at least make it a bit easier to laugh about it and make me feel that at least I’m not alone.

Screen Shot 06-16-17 at 07.44 PM These Tweets explain my lack of self confidence, the way I feel, the way I see myself, the way I think, just…everything, so perfectly. Basically me summed up on Twitter.

Screen Shot 06-16-17 at 07.44 PM 001 Life is very cruel to the ugly.

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Being ugly really sucks!!

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Peonies.

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 03.34 PM Here are some peonies from our garden! My mother didn’t want me to bring them in the house because they always have ants on them but we already have ants in the house anyway( ants in the summer, mice in the winter; it’s seasonal) and besides, I love peonies, and they remind me so much of my Babushka who had such a wonderful garden and would always cut me fresh flowers to take home. I also think I had another seizure during the night too as I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like someone was violently shaking the end of my bed but it ended up that it was me; it was my legs that were rigid, shaking, thumping, banging, and thrashing on the bed; my seizures are weird; they always start at the bottom( feet) and work their way up. I can’t be entirely sure, but I’m pretty sure that it was real and not a dream as it is imprinted as a very clear memory on my brain, but I also kept drifting in and out and I often have a hard time distinguishing if something really happened or if it was just a dream.

The other day driving back from the clinic I also saw something I love but haven;t seen in a long time: gladiolas! They were growing in someone’s garden and were a light pink/ white mix in colour, and I also got a phonecall from my doctor’s office; they want me to come in for a yearly BP check since I take meds for my high BP and said while I’m there I can also pick up a colon cancer screening kit and I’m to put a shit in a container for testing (I remember the vet doing this for my dogs testing for worms) and I either bring it back there or mail it off somewhere( can you imagine getting a turd, or even worse,diarrhrea, in the mail?) to be tested, and I wonder how  exactly I’m supposed to do it; I mean, do I scoop it out of the toilet with a spoon and then place it in the container….or do I somehow manage to actually shit into  the actual container, and how, exactly, am I expected to correctly aim without getting shit all over my hands……OMG…..I don’t know….I’ve never had to shit in a container before….

Funny as well: missionaries came by and the 18 YR old answered the door and she didn’t want to be mean to them but she didn’t want to be “recruited” either so she “sells” me out instead, telling them, My mother’s really religious! Maybe she’ll go to your church! and then she goes and takes a picture of Jesus off the wall and shows them and says, My mother really loves JesusIt was just soooo funny, and I felt really old yesterday,too: I was on the phone with a representative trying to activate an online account and he said he’ll “walk” me thru it as I remain on the phone but I said I’ll have to go try and let him know if it works and he was confused so I explained it( the computer) was in the other room (so he must have thought it was a laptop) and then he said to just bring the phone in with me and I said I can’t…..it’s attached to the wall! and there’s a moment of silence as he tries to process it and then he goes, Oh!

It was that moment. He was a young guy and he had just assumed that I had a cell phone that I could take around with me from room to room and that I had a laptop(and not a desktop) which is portable…..but no, I’m this middle-aged old woman who uses a desktop and still uses a land-line phone stuck to the wall…..I just felt so old at that moment, and so out of touch but it’s just that technology doesn’t like me  and it’s just so complicated and never works for me; I prefer the simple, less complicated things. I don’t like gadgets that are smarter than I am. I have such a hard time trying to figure out all this complex stuff and it makes my brain hurt.

My hubby is also a big fan of this Power of Positive Thinking crap to “cure” depression instead of medication but I just think it’s all a bunch of hooey; sometimes you need medication, and him saying to just cheer up, snap out of it, or think positive! mind over matter crap doesn’t work for depression; it’s like telling someone with cancer or diabetes to just Think Positive thoughts! and they’ll feel better, that being positive will cure them; they don’t need medication…..what a bunch of HORSE SHIT! He also likes to always scold me and berate me saying, You never listen! when in actual fact I do listen; I just don’t understand, and they’re entirely different  things. I don’t purposely do things wrong, mess up, not follow instructions, etc.. it’s just that with my Asperger’s I have trouble comprehending stuff, so I’ll listen and I’ll hear what you’re saying but I don’t always know what you mean, what you want, or what I’m supposed to do. I’m just stupid and I always do things wrong, and always need help with everything all the time, need to keep being re-told instructions, and nothing ever works for me and it just enrages my hubby who has zero tolerance for my stupidity or ineptitude.

Hawt.

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 07.11 PM 001 It’s been really hot here the past few days, and I do mean sweltering, 30 C with the humidex 37 C or higher. It’s even hotter than it was in Cuba because of the humidity. I like it hot and sunny, but not humid, which is too hot; it’s oppressive and unbearable. When it gets like this the air also feels so “thick” I find it hard to even breathe and I often feel like I’m going to pass out. I like the temperature/heat like in California, warm but not humid, but not like in Florida where it’s really humid. It’s nice in the Caribbean,too, it’s hot but not humid due to the fact that it’s surrounded by water on all sides being that they’re all islands.

As well, now the 14 YR old’s going to the eating disorders clinic every 2 weeks instead of every week and when we were there yesterday( our last weekly app’t) on the elevator my hubby didn’t look where he was going and backed up and stepped on my foot and never even apologized either so I said, Watch it! but still instead of just saying sorry he blames me and goes, You should move further back! and so I said to him, If it were someone else you stepped on, I’d hope you’d at least say “sorry” to them and not “move to the back! You’re so rude! Just showing once again how he has zero consideration for me and he was condescending to me and put me down in front of the behaviour therapist too and she gave me this sad, sympathetic look, but at least she knows how he treats me and now other people see too how I’m emotionally abused; I have witnesses, it’s not just me saying so! He obviously doesn’t see anything wrong with it,either since he even does it in front of other people!

The NP also asked what’s the best treatment for anxiety and I blurted out Prozac! and she gives me this look and says, No……Cognitive Behaviour  Therapy! but she’s never been a big “fan” of medication though even though sometimes you really do need it, such as with me; I have a chemical imbalance and no amount of this psycho-babble mumbo-jumbo will fix a chemical imbalance; only medication can do that, and the 14 YR old was saying she’s still having trouble sleeping and they still wouldn’t give her anything for it except said to keep up with her “therapy techniques” and try melatonin, a natural treatment, and it made me mad; if she needs medication to sleep, to feel better,and to help with her obvious depression, then what’s the problem? It’s better than being suicidal, and I know what it feels like and I don’t want her suffering like that,esp. needlessly, and if medication may help her why not at least try it instead of  all this nonsense, esp. since it’s most likely genetic….

The social worker also asked the 14 YR old about reading and asked her if she likes the Harry Potter books and she said no, and she kept pressing, like she wanted her to try and she kept saying no, not interested, and I informed her, They’re occult and glorify witchcraft; we don’t get involved in that and she looked taken aback and then asked my hubby Do you  agree with this too? and of course he jumped at the chance to make me look like an idiot, to embarrass me, the only one, and he said, No, just her, I watched all the movies! so I added, But he’s a godless heathen and doesn’t care!  but at least she’d also get to see how he was so quick to leave me flapping in the wind all on my own like that, how eager he was to sell me out, to show no support, and he’s like that with everything and he never has my back or supports me and has such little regard for me that even in the van he hogs up all the cup holders for his drinks so I have no place( in the passenger seat up front) to put mine; it doesn’t matter, big things or little things; he jumps at every opportunity to put me down, to discredit me, to belittle me, to dismiss me, to devalue me, etc. and meeting him was my biggest regret in life and the happiest day in my life will be the day I finally divorce him.

I also wish I was the Old Me again. She knew how to smile. She used to laugh and have fun. She used to be happy.

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I saw this really cool car(just like this one) in a local car lot for the longest time as well and fell in love with it. This is the perfect car for me. I just love it and if I could drive this would be the car I’d get: 2016 blue Mustang with black stripe. It’s just so me. My foot’s getting better now,too, it looks smaller, not as red anymore and starting to scab over. It also concerns me the way the kids have no regard for God, Jesus, or religion, anymore,and the 14 YR old, for instance, refers to God as an invisible sky-daddy  and doesn’t even think He’s real and thinks I’m stupid for believing in something you can’t prove, and makes fun of my faith, they all do, my hubby and mother included, even though I did raise the kids godly and righteous…..I don’t know what happened…..they got indoctrinated by the world I guess and turned away from their faith and it breaks my heart but I pray every day that they come back…