BuddyLong Here is a funny photo of Buddy and the 16 YR old that the 14 YR old took. Look how extra long he is! I know he’s a Dachshund and he is long but in real life he’s still not quite this long, like he appears in the picture. Here he looks like he’s 2-3 times longer than he actually is in real life. I suspect the photo has been “doctored” in some way, edited or Photoshopped, although the girls deny it. If not, then perhaps it’s just the angle, but either way he’s quite the longfellow, we could call him Stretch. I also picked 4 fleas off him in just the same day. Another sign spring is near(he was rolling around in the grass), along with the flock of geese I saw returning the other day and the birds that have come back.I like spring; it always shows new life, a promise of new hope and renewal after a long cold winter. It brings hope.

As well, I have the cold now that 3 of the kids had, now I’m sneezing, have a runny nose and a scratchy throat, and I felt really weird the other day too, just all of a sudden, really “creepy”(like how I did awhile ago in the CT scan) and hard to explain the feeling but the closest would be like when your BP drops suddenly and quickly so I checked it and it was a bit high actually but not concerning but my heart rate was low; 52(normal is 65 or so) and I checked online and anything below 60 is considered bradycardia, or low heart rate, also called Sick Sinus and low enough for a pacemaker, so it would also explain why I’m always so tired and feel like I’m going to faint when I stand up and that time why I did faint that time a few months ago, It will be interesting what the cardiologist says when I see him next month….

I also lost more weight again; I can tell as my rings are looser and so are my pants and my stomach looks flatter.I came across as well something called Addison’s Disease which means low  functioning adrenal glands and explains alot of my other symptoms and it makes sense if I have that as well esp. considering I did have issues with my adrenal gland before, incl. low levels of aldosterone.It also would explain the darkening patches I have on my skin…A cousin also informed us that my mother’s uncle( who was in his 90’s) died and so did another cousin’s ex-wife, who would just have been in her 60’s. I remember when their family first moved to this country when I was a teen and when they divorced she moved back to Europe and I think she remarried again.

I had these weird dreams as well, incl. the neighbour’s house next door was on fire and I could see the flames coming from their upstairs window, and another dream that the 23 YR old and his GF split up and I was sad because I like them together and they’re so cute, and another dream as well this family wanted a dog so they said about Buddy, We’ll just take this one! and I said, No you won’t! That’s MY dog, and if you touch him I’ll gut you like a fish! but somehow they did take him but he managed to escape and come back to me.I liked it in church yesterday too in the homily the deacon said that even thru suffering,trials, hardship, and pain you are never alone and that God is with you and Jesus suffered too and you are like a seed planted in darkness that is in a hostile environment yet one day will still blossom. I’m like that seed. I have been planted in darkness and I am waiting to blossom.




Log Jam.

logjam It feels like I have a log jam. I’m shitting 4 times a day but only a bit ever comes out at a time( and it’s not diarrhrea) but it feels like it never empties out completely and feels like I’m literally full of shit and I always feel like I have to shit. On top of that I have alot of gas and the abdomenal, stomach, and lower back pain( that I’ve had for  months now) has been really bad every day now, almost constantly ( except for the few HRS the pain relief lasts when I take my weed; it’s the only thing that eases it, nothing else works, not ibuprofin, Buscopan, Tylenol, etc..) for the past 2 weeks or so and the pain so bad that you curl up in the fetal position and break out into a sweat from the pain.

I’m wondering why it’s getting worse, but whatever is causing it is obviously getting worse and progressing. I DO have an umbilical hernia and diverticulosis(as one of the CT scans showed) as well as a polyp on my colon they removed so maybe that could be it causing the pain, or maybe it could be my stomach ulcer is back again, or maybe a twisting or obstruction of some kind in my bowel, or perhaps even an abdomenal or aortic aneurysm or some kind of cancer? There are so many possibilities but how come whatever it is hasn’t been found or treated yet? This is getting really bad….

AppleSwan As well, this is the apple carving the 16 TR old did and when I put it up on my Facebook everyone marvelled about it, and it reminds me of on the cruise ships how they carve fancy designs into the fruit and display them at the buffet, and watching the news they were discussing domestic violence and the expert was describing abuse doesn’t always have to be physical and if he berates and belittles his wife, is controlling, there is an imbalance of power in the relationship,and she keeps being made to feel smaller and smaller then that’s still abuse….and that’s me, what I go thru, how he treats me,and how I feel. I am being emotionally abused. I knew it. The other day when Buddy and I left the room I also heard him say to the soon-to-be ( next week) 11 year old, It left…. and I’m not sure if he was referring to my dog….or about me.

As well with the #MeToo movement about women who have been sexually assaulted I know I obviously was as a kid by a relative, from age 4-12, but what I also didn’t really realize at the time but I can clearly see now is that I was also assaulted on a subway when I was a teen: I was standing up holding on to a pole as it was packed full and everyone was packed in tight like sardines and I felt this guy standing behind me pressing into me, really hard, into my ass, and then he started thrusting his hips into me, grinding, really hard, and I tried to get away but it was too crowded to be able to move. At first I thought it was an accidental bump in the crowd but then realized he was doing it on purpose and I was shocked but I still never equated it was assault, because assault was something that happened to women alone in dark alleys….I just shrugged it off as some pervert but now I realize it was much more than that and it really hit me once I realized what it really was. I don’t find it hard to believe at all that most women will experience assault or abuse of one form or another during their lives at least once….

Ponderings For You.



































As well, it took my poor mother 4 days to do the income tax. I could never do that; too much math, and also too complex, too confusing and too frustrating.If I didn’t have someone to do it for me it just wouldn’t get done. I also put a sort of “alarm” on the inside of my bedroom door to alert me if anyone opens up my door during the night to try and steal Buddy off my bed again while I’m asleep; I put a garbage can full of empty pop cans in front of the door so if anyone opens it it will fall down, knocking the cans all over, making a racket and wake me up, alerting me, so I can keep an eye on my dog and tell them to f*ck off.

The second-oldest is moving to Vancouver(she lives in Toronto now) in the summer as well for a new job in the art field, and the 23 YR old’s GF is going back to California for the summer too to work and see her family and then return here later for her second year of school.It also snowed again too. Where’s spring? I’ve had enough of this shit….




assholes I live with assholes. I am surrounded by assholes. First of all, the 23 YR old ate Buddy’s chicken hearts which were to be his food for 4 days. Yes, he really did eat chicken hearts. He said he was starving and we don’t have enough food as usual so he ate the dog’s food. He said that his hunger comes before the dog’s…..except not when paid for it with my own $$$ and he still has to eat too and now he has no food! I’m tired of him always taking everyone else’s food,and now he’s even eating the dog’s food, too? So I told him since he took it he has to go to the store and replace what he took and buy him another one and then he says I have to give him the $$$$ because he doesn’t have any $$$ even though I don’t either and I bought it the first time and he was the one that ate it so he should be the one to replace it!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, last night when we were in bed for the night once I had fallen asleep he opened my door and snuck in my room and took Buddy out from under my covers and then shut my door so he wouldn’t be able to come back in. Now normally opening of my door would have woken me up but I’m just soooo tired lately with all my medical issues plus the time change I was dead asleep and never woke up…..that is, until Midnight and then I noticed in a panic that he wasn’t there so I sprung out of bed looking for him all over, frantically calling, the kids laughing, all in on it, not telling me where he was, and I had just woken up and it was the middle of the night and I was worried….I really didn’t need their shit…esp. not then… and I eventually found him sleeping on top of my hubby who was on the couch so I  picked him up and he was just so happy he kept thumping his tail and nuzzling me, as if saying You found me! You came for me! Thank you!! I missed you! and carried him back up to bed and then he nestled in really close to me, he practically melted into me, snuggling right up next to me where he remained the rest of the night.

My family are such assholes. I wish they’d just leave my dog alone. For me he’s sort of like a therapy dog  and I hate it when they tease him, take his food, kidnap him, do things to annoy him, be mean to him, etc. and they’re always provoking and annoying me. I’m thinking that maybe I should have my hubby put a lock on the inside of my bedroom door so that way no one can sneak in and steal him anymore or open my bedroom door and come in to do anything or to disturb me in any way. I also think it’s time the 23 YR old moves out and gets a place of his own. He’s such a “shit-disturber” as my mother says and he’s always eating everyone’s food. When I can’t find anything to eat, for example, I just go without and  go hungry; I don’t take someone else’s. My toxic family are just depleting my resources emotionally, mentally, and physically. You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

As well, I still have the bad stomach, abdomenal, and back pain; I wish I knew what it was like to live life pain-free, I really do, but lately it has just become a part of daily life, a chronic thing I have just learned to live with,and sometimes the pain gets so bad it’s the kind of pain that makes your toes curl, fists clench, teeth grit, and makes you rock back and forth trying to get some relief. It just wipes me out.


Victim Souls.

victimSouls On a Catholic site I regularly read I came across an article about Victim Souls  and the thought occurred to me that perhaps that’s maybe what I am, with my life-long misfortune, bad luck, tragedies, traumas, pain, suffering, etc.. as described here: The concept of the victim soul derives from the Roman Catholic teaching on redemptive suffering. Such a person is said to be one chosen by God to suffer more than most people during life, and who generously accepts the suffering, based on the example of Christ’s own Passion.

I have always wondered why. Why am I always plagued with such bad luck, misfortune, everything always going wrong, with one crisis after another, never catching a break, endless trials and trauma….I wondered if maybe I or my family might have even been cursed someone or were being punished, but this might also be another possibility. Could I have maybe possibly been chosen by God to suffer in order to save souls, for others’ salvation? Could that possibly be my purpose in life? Even though I am nobody, just a small insignificant speck in the universe, God has been known throughout history to use the “smallest”, simple, average person to do His will, He has chosen not people of greatness, royalty, wealth and prestige, but the average, lowly, humble person to do His will and He uses people to help one another and to fulfill His purpose. If that’s true then does that mean I do have a purpose in life,afterall, a meaning, even though it also means that I have to struggle just to get thru each day and that I have to endure an unhappy miserable life. Either that, or I just really do just have bad luck…

As well, in church yesterday I had stomach and abdomenal pain so bad I almost threw up from the pain and I spent the entire Gospel and homily in the bathroom doing a shit thinking that would relieve the pain except it didn’t. I don’t know if it’s my stomach ulcer, my liver, or something in my colon but it’s getting really bad. I wish they could just figure out what’s wrong with me and what’s causing it. Whatever it is they’re just not seeing it; it’s hidden and not showing up on the tests yet continues to cause me worsening pain and fatigue. I pretty well slept all day yesterday too although that was also due to the time change; I just couldn’t get my ass in gear. I’ve also had a headache and bad lower back pain for the past 4 days as well and always feel so cold all the time and shivering.


Dark Energy.

DarkEnergy I was laying on the couch resting,headphones on, with my eyes closed, and all of a sudden I felt the presence of dark energy, like a shadow filling the room, a bad vibe, like a dark presence and I opened my eyes and saw my hubby had entered the room! It was the weirdest, strangest thing. I could literally feel his negativity towards me and his darkness in my life invading my personal space, my peaceful zone, almost like a dark foggy mist that creeped into the room and disrupted my peace. Earlier I was also in the livingroom listening to reggae  on Google Home and he walks in and just turns it off and puts on something else, something like he likes, even though I was listening to that and I was there first, having no regard for me,and then later on when I was listening to Van Halen and he wasn’t even in the same room as me(I was in there by myself) but in the diningroom he still yells at me to turn that “garbage” off…. he’s just a controlling asshole that delights in provoking, goading,and annoying me, likes to walk in and take over, thinks he’s boss,and likes to try to ruin my enjoyment of the music that I love.

As well, my BFF said awhile ago she was in the hospital for 3 days with an infection( and my friend O who had the heart surgery spent a week in the hospital) and they think it might have been her colon and she had a colonoscopy and biopsy just like I did too but it came back normal and she says she goes on these crazy cleansing detoxes as well she recommended to me but no thanks: she only drinks fluids for a week followed by only eating raw food for a week, incl. rabbit. Yes, that’s right: raw rabbit. Ugh, no thanx. I’d be too hungry for one thing and raw meat is just gross.I wonder if that’s what caused her infection? My hubby’s always saying the diet Pepsi I drink is what’s causing all my medical ailments too even though it’s caffeine and sugar free; he just likes to always blame me somehow. She also asked my to be a reference for her passport. Now that I can do.

I was also rolling a Big Fatty and my mother goes, It smells like weed in here! and the 10 YR old went to a Classical Mozart concert(he’s cultured….I like that) the 14 and 16 YR olds have colds, and the 18 YR old pretty well gets 100% on most of her assignments at school and plans to move out of residence next year and find a place elsewhere, and we have now officially started our week off school for March Break! We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog’s prego yet and if Buddy’s going to be a father but they would make beautiful puppies….



I Love Hippos!!









As well, all day I have not only had my usual BAD abdomen(not sure still what that is, perhaps uterine or colon; I’ve had trouble with both) and stomach pain(liver or ulcer, or maybe even both) I’ve had for the past week now but now also lower back pain (kidneys) AND I’ve had this “burning” in the middle of my chest, it kind of feels like when you hold your breath underwater for too long and it feels like your lungs are going to burst and you have to surface for air right away. I don’t know if it’s my heart or my lungs but it’s been going on and off all thru the day. Shit. It really sucks having liver, kidney, heart,and lungs failing. I think I’m dying.