Solar Eclipse.

Screen Shot 08-21-17 at 08.22 AM We had a full solar eclipse yesterday, but in this area we only got 70% of it although I never saw any difference; it never got dark or anything but I did stay inside all afternoon( and kept Buddy indoors,too) and watched a movie rather than being outside like I usually am. I just saw it on the news. If you look directly at the sun during an eclipse you can go blind, and after each one you always hear on the news about a couple of morons who still did anyway and lost their vision. BTW, the movie Dunkirk was really intense(and you can almost feel the experience, such as escaping from the torpedoed ship and the panic they must have felt) after you’ve had weed. It also turned it into a 3-D movie, as I had to take an extra dose for pain since after walking around at the Ex all day everything hurt so bad;  my legs, my back, my hips, my thighs… I could hardly even walk and was all bent over like an old crone…..I’m all buggered up…..I just wanted to lay down and roll around all over on a sheet of plastic smeared with A5-35. Weed works better for pain,cramps, and headaches even better than Tylenol. It just relaxes all your muscles and you can literally feel all the tension melt away.

Screen Shot 08-21-17 at 08.26 AM The kids were really over-reacting about the eclipse,too: they had black-out curtains on their windows, refused to go outside at all,and the 14 YR old was walking around all day shrouded in a towel, covering up her face like a burka. For the past 3 nights trying to settle to sleep Buddy and I have both been really restless and agitated as well and have trouble falling asleep,and I keep tossing and turning and lay awake for HRS trying to fall asleep and keep waking up,and he keeps running up to me and whimpering so I wonder if it’s the atmosphere of the eclipse affecting us? I expected during it he would react like he does during a thunderstorm too but it didn’t seem to bother him. I remember when I was a kid too, age 12 or so, walking home from school during an eclipse,making sure I never looked up at the sky,always looking down at the sidewalk.

Screen Shot 08-21-17 at 09.27 AM

While I was away all day the other day one of the kids dyed Buddy’s tail a bright red,too!(probably because they know his tail is my fave. part on him) I know it was either the 14 or 16 YR olds(I ‘m pretty sure the 16 YR old….) but they both lied and denied it even though they didn’t even hide the evidence: his dog leash was up in the bathroom on the counter and red-dye stained wash cloth and towel still in the bathroom,and did they really think I’d believe that he dyed it himself? I mean, really? Then one finked on the other one and then they both blamed eachother. My hubby also always belittles and berates me for repeating myself too even though it’s due to my Asperger’s and I can’t help it and I’m not even aware I’m doing it, and he always harps and criticizes how I’m annoying,too, but you know what?  think he’s annoying,too!

Whenever I try to include myself into their little “circle”, conversations, discussions, activities, etc. they just reject me, push me out and discourage me anyway, snarking things such as Shut-up! Mind you own business! No one was talking to you! No one cares what you think! etc. making me withdraw even more and want to try even less and to just try to avoid them, and then they wonder why I’d rather be on my own than join them when they treat me like that,  and the kids and my hubby often bring up topics they know bug me, such as Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) and other occult anti-God stuff too so instead of fighting about it , playing their little games, letting them get me all riled up, “feeding” off it, allowing myself to be “played” or used as their “pawn” I simply either just walk away or put on my ear phones and crank up my music and tune them out and just ignore them….and then they wonder why I avoid and ignore them, and my hubby complains my music’s “too loud” too when he blasts the TV way louder than my music, and the kids also like to torment me by hiding my stuff to (1) make me think I’m losing my mind (2) drive me crazy (3) make me question my own sanity (4) annoy me, and then they accuse me of always being high and losing it myself and forgetting where I put it. They set me up. My family sucks. They deserve eachother…..but I don’t.

War Games.

Screen Shot 08-14-17 at 07.21 PM We live near an airforce base so it’s common to see various aircraft flying above overhead frequently, several times a day, esp. as it nears the end of the month, I suspect as the pilots scramble to get in the required number of hours of flying time in for the month, and we commonly see big cargo planes, government jets, rescue helicopters, and the CF-18 fighter jets. The CF-18’s we usually see about twice a month,and those things are soooo loud as they go screaming across the sky that I can even still hear them when I’m in the deep end of the pool, 9 feet underwater!

For the past 4 days or so, however, I’ve been seeing the CF-18’s flying by overhead every day, and yesterday it was even twice, and they always go by in twos; first one will zip past and within mere seconds the second one will come screeching by. It made me wonder: is there perhaps something seriously going on behind closed doors perhaps about USA and it’s threat with war on North Korea and that’s why the fighter jets here have suddenly become more active lately? USA is this country’s closest ally, so maybe the military here has also been put on “notice” just in case and they’re doing extra practice and training, preparing in case they do have to end up going over there to aid the Americans? Oh, God, I hope not, but you never know, and this country is notorious for kissing America’s ass, and this sudden flurry of activity with the military jets just makes me wonder what’s going on…..holy shit….

I also like China’s approach to the situation with North Korea. China is their ally, but they warned them that if they attack USA first then they’re on their own and China’s not going to help them, but if they’re attacked first then they will help them, which I think is fair and reasonable; don’t help the oppressor and aggressor, but stand up for and defend the one being bullied. I notice too how the attack in Virginia( where the deranged f*cker drove his car into a crowd of protesters at a white supremacist rally, killing one and injuring several more) wasn’t ever labelled terrorism, even though it clearly was a terrorist act, as terrorism is basically defined as committing an act of violence and killing innocent people on behalf of a political or ideological cause or agenda, and white supremacy, neo-Nazism qualifies as a political cause, but because the guy wasn’t a Muslim, or brown, or a foreigner, they didn’t call it terrorism, even though it still was, but terrorists can come from anywhere,and extremists and radicals come from all races, religions, colours, countries, etc… incl. home-grown white Americans!

As well, I have a feeling my old friends J and F are dead now; it’s been years since I’ve seen them or heard from them but lately for the past few days I keep having dreams about them and visiting them in my dreams, just like I often do with other people that have died, such as my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, it’s like the “veil” between this world and the next is “thinner” when your brain is in that dimension, the deep sleep cycle, and that’s when they can contact you and you can meet them on the same “frequency”, so it makes me wonder if perhaps they really are dead now…..or maybe I was just simply dreaming about them….but why all of a sudden, and so frequently? I got the impression that they were in Heaven and I was talking with them and they were telling me that they were waiting for me and that it won’t be too long now and they’ll see me soon…

I also got my pills from the pharmacy and the 16 YR old cruelly snarled about me that I get my hands on any drugs that I can, even though all my medications are legally and medically prescribed, and for things like migraines. high BP, depression, ulcers…common stuff….and none of them are opioids, painkillers, sleep aids, tranquilizers, sedatives, habit-forming or addictive in any way, but I guess in her eyes if you take any medication at all you’re some kind of junkie drug addict or something and she’ll look down on you with contempt and disgust. Hopefully when she gets older she’ll be in perfect health and won’t have any medical issues or need any medication at all since she thinks so poorly of those of us that do. That are flawed. That are old. That are falling apart. That are not in the best of health. That are human.

Ruined Sunflowers.

Screen Shot 08-11-17 at 11.56 AM 001 If someone were to ask you What kind of flowers are these? what would you say? They’re actually sunflowers  even though they’re not yellow! My mother picked them up when she was at the grocery store and they told her that they’ve been dyed orange and red and the leaves are purple! I was just speechless…..just ….horrified when I saw them, I mean, who the f*ck dyes flowers? I LIKE them yellow, the way they’re supposed to be, that’s what makes them look so bright, cheery, and happy! Dyeing them just ruins them! It would be like black people dyeing their skin white; they’re beautiful the way they are!

WTF?

When I first saw them I didn’t even recognize them as sunflowers, it didn’t even register in my mind what I was seeing and thought they were some type of mums or something, and then when she told me it just made me sad. It’s a travesty. When I put them in water dye got all over my hands,too, pissing me off even more. What were they thinking, to ruin beautiful sunflowers like that and why would she think that I’d like them? So now her and my hubby are acting like I’m some sort of ingrate or something because I don’t like them, but it’s just not right; they don’t look like sunflowers and have been ruined. It’s just wrong. They’re beautiful the way they are. It’s an insult to sunflowers really, to do that to them. Defaced.

As well, I got the results from my colon cancer test and everything’s ok,and I went online and got my blood test results and that’s ok too except it showed slight kidney failure, just like last time, and I still have that headache as well, now 5 days in a row, that just won’t go away no matter what,and at times my ears ache with it,too, almost as if there’s pressure or something building up in my head, and I also noticed this big bulging vein on my forehead on the left temple when I lay down,too, and it wasn’t there before, so maybe something’s going to pop or something…..oh, well…..

The therapist also criticized how I prefer to do things(and go places) on my own rather than with my family (or anyone else) but I’m just a loner and I’ve always been like that, perhaps due to my Asperger’s, and maybe also because I grew up an Only Child and was always by myself, but I just prefer to be by myself than with other people, and I find it more peaceful and less stress, with no one to bug me, and even when my hubby and I went to Hawaii together we did our own separate things; I went off on my own and swam, surfed, kayaked, snorkelled, etc. and he did his own activities and we’d just meet up for dinner, and when I go to the “Ex” I go off on my own and meet up with them at the end of the day,and even in the Caribbean my mother would usually just stay on the ship and I’d go off on my own and wander around and I really enjoyed my solo trip to Cuba where I was alone the entire time. I just prefer to be by myself. What’s so wrong with that? I hurt in life  but I hurt less if it’s just me on my own. It also doesn’t help that my family pushes me away, making me want to be alone even more.

 

Nuclear War?

Sooooo, guess what that crackpot Trump has gone and done now? He’s not only provoked North Korea but has now even threatened them with nuclear war with his bluster and tough talk, about “fire and fury” he’ll send upon them like never seen before. All this due to North Korea testing it’s ballistic missiles….just like every other country also does, incl. USA, yet for some reason USA has declared itself(once again) Policeman of the World and decided that North Korea is not allowed to, as if someone made them boss of the world, and then threatened them by basically declaring an act of war, with North Korea responding in kind by saying they’ll send missiles to Guam, which is an American territory in the South Pacific (close to the Korean penninsula) where they have a military base.

and so now the whole world sits on edge.

I’d hopefully think that cooler heads will prevail and this is all just nothing more than bluster, sabre rattling, and tough talk, but that nothing more will come out of it, esp. since tiny North Korea, despite it’s military capabilities, will be obliterated by American forces, and the same story keeps on repeating itself over and over again in history every few years: Imperialist war-mongering USA bullies a much smaller nation, usually with no one else coming to it’s defense(and who’s going to stand up for North Korea?), and no one has the courage to stand up to them, but Kim Jong Un is not someone who seems to put up with that shit and has the balls to stand up to them(and I admire him for that), but hopefully no one will take it to actual war, esp. nuclear war which would be catastrophic and not beneficial to anybody.

I remember the last time I feared the real possibility of a nuclear war was in the 1980’s when that looney Reagan was the American President and tensions were high between USA and USSR during the Cold War. I, of course, was on Russia’s side, naturally, old Soviet guard that I am, and even now my hubby are on opposite sides politically(we can’t agree on anything, although we are both committed to being united and  working together to help the 14 YR old in her recovery); he says North Korea started it and “asked” for it by testing missiles, but they’re not doing anything any other country doesn’t also do, so why are they only being singled out, and USA started it by threatening them first. I’m not a fan of the Kim regime, but I also don’t like to see The Little Guy being bullied by The Big Guy and I’m sick and tired of USA and their interference and war-mongering in other countries.

As well, I was woken up at 3 am with that bad headache, which I still have now, and nothing, I mean nothing gets rid of it, making me suspect that there might be something more going on, like perhaps an impending stroke  or aneurysm, or perhaps even a brain tumour or something, and I went to the lab and had blood work done as well( maybe that will give us some idea?) and the 10 YR old thought that they took all of my blood out and drained me dry! He also snarked to me, No one loves you anyway! and even told my hubby to shut up! and he got mad….how dare he talk to him like that…..yet they talk to me like that all the time and no one cares, and the 14 YR old(when I reminded her about something) yelled at me, You can shut-up now, ok? and the 16 YR old scoffed, Just because you have a bath every day doesn’t mean you don’t stink! and my hubby says the coconut oil I use as a moisturizer “reeks” even though coconut smells good. Why do they always have to insult me like that and talk to me that way?

The therapist at the clinic also phoned and wanted to talk to me but I have nothing to say to her and didn’t want to talk; she just stresses me out and I’m still trying to recover from the session on Tuesday which really broke me hard and made me feel like I was being almost interrogated, esp. since I was the only one being grilled and singled-out for criticism and blame, and it’s harmful to my own mental and emotional health, so she ended up sending me an e-mail instead and she apologized for making me feel like shit and said that wasn’t the intention but said therapy is “hard” but did agree that she was “harsh” on me and could see why I felt that way, and asked that I return so I told her I’m willing to try one more time but if I feel overwhelmed or under attack again I’m just going to get up and leave the room and walk right out the door as I refuse to subject myself to anything that makes me feel even worse about myself and jeopardizes my own recovery, and that I try to avoid conflict, not engage in situations that will increase my stress.

I saw singer Sinead O’ Connor’s public plea on Facebook as well where she says that if you are mentally ill that everyone just invalidates anything you say, think, feel, etc.. and spending your life just trying to stay alive every day is NOT living, and she’s so right. I could so relate to her struggle and what she was saying. It’s almost like we live parallel lives and her family treats her like shit and hates her and blames her for her illness just like mine does to me for mine,too; there are so many similarities I could really relate to her tearful video and I just felt to badly for her and her need to be loved, understood, supported, and just to be treated with some human kindness and compassion.

The Coach.

Screen Shot 08-09-17 at 08.44 AM This week the 16 YR old was to be coaching cheerleading to kids ages 4-10 but she could only take 2 days and then she quit. She said it was awful and it reminds her of why she doesn’t like kids. She says they’re annoying and bratty (but isn’t that just the way kids usually are?) although I don’t know if they actually were being little brats or not (since I wasn’t there and didn’t see) or whether they were simply just being kids. Kids, for instance, naturally are loud, boisterous, talk alot, fidgety, can’t keep still, sit for long or pay attention for too long, and have short attention spans. Needless to say, she’s one of the kids that’s decided she doesn’t want kids of her own , seeing how much trouble they (her and her siblings) were growing up and all the trouble they gave me, not wanting to go thru all that shit herself!

As well, the 10 YR old’s at Bible camp, and I had this really bad headache yesterday too that was sooo bad that nothing got rid of it; not even Tylenol, not even weed; it wasn’t a migraine though, it felt different, more like maybe a bad sinus headache or like when my BP shoots up really high, that sort of headache feeling. Buddy could sense it as well and knew something was wrong and I wasn’t feeling well ( I would place the pain level at a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale) and he was very agitated, and kept pawing at me and whimpering and barking, like he was either trying to warn me, keep me roused and conscious, or revive me….

I also decided about the 14 YR old’s family therapy and how I always feel attacked, blamed and how it’s destructive to me , demoralizing and bringing the suicidal feelings back again, instead of not going at all anymore what I decided I’ll do(after much prayer and contemplation and revelation) is commit myself to one more session, to give it a try and if it gets too overwhelming  or I’m blamed or feel attacked then I’ll just get up and walk out of the room and go sit in the waiting room , leaving them in there to finish without me. If it’s not healthy for me I shouldn’t have to subject myself to something that’s harmful to my mental well-being, destructive to me, and detrimental to my well-being. I doubt it’ll go too well or last for long though as the therapist and I clash and I don’t think I can work with her, esp. now that there’s this “wall” of hostility, mistrust, and suspicion between us. I’ll try 1 more and see how it goes, with the option of just walking out.

I asked the 14 YR old if she even wants me to go to the therapy sessions, or if she even cares if I go or not, or would she mind if I stopped going, and she said, You should be there which may(…..or may not) mean she wants me to be there, that it’ll be helpful to her recovery, in which case puts me in a bad place as I’m then expected to be forced to endure this therapy, which for me is a form of torture, of mental breakdown and anguish, week after week after week, until it just obliterates me completely, taking away what little is left of me, when my natural instinct when I feel threatened or under attack is Run! and to get away from the source of harm, not to keep torturing myself with it over and over every week. I feel I’m expected to give up my own well-being, endanger my own mental health and be stripped of any sense of self at all, just obliterate who I am, but if I must sacrifice myself  in order for her to fully recover then I will, even if it kills me. Her recovery is what matters most,and I’m a lost cause, anyway…

It’s “funny” too how even strangers on the Internet are kinder to me than my own family?  I never could get over that. Other than my dog, no one cares whether or not I live or die.

Validation…Then Blame.

Screen Shot 08-08-17 at 03.05 PM First of all at the clinic it went well: the 14 YR old’s back to putting weight on again ( and over her temporary setback it would seem) instead of losing it, and the NP said that the medication is helping and she even increased the dose from 10 mg up to 20 mg, admitting that  I was right all along! I knew she needed the anti-depressant! She can tell she’s starting to feel better as well, and she’s more bubbly now,too, and more “playful”.

Now the bad part, the same as the past 3 weeks….. the new social worker said once again during the family therapy session how I’m not able to bond with my kids, have “attachment issues”am “avoidant”, the kids don’t “feel secure”, insinuating I’m a bad mother, neglectful, and blaming me for the 14 YR old’s eating disorder, etc, that I didn’t bond or “attach” well with her as a baby,etc…. which is a load of shit, esp. since I was the closest to her of all the kids when she was younger, and I swear, as God is my witness, I’ve been an excellent mother to her, and loved her more than anything and was the closest to her….yet it still wasn’t enough…..she still ended up messed-up and they still blame me and say it’s my fault anyway? I just can’t “win” either way, no matter what I do. (I think it’s likely genetic and she simply inherited mental illness.)

Then the therapist has the nerve to ask me why I’m “defensive” (which I didn’t even realize that I was; it was just an instinctual survival mechanism and automatic response to attack) to her and everything that she was saying, even though she made me always feel under attack, and made me cry,too, and she scolded me and talked down to me like I was a misbehaving dog, and I felt she was being dismissive and always taking my hubby’s side, and he kept praising himself as this great involved father and said that the kids see my mother at the mother figure and not me; it’s like not only have I been pushed out, I’ve also been replaced, and he complained that I “didn’t used to be like this” ( not going out and do things, being less social, so withdrawn and broken,etc..) but that was also before I was beaten down and broken by all of the traumas in my life,too; it was before any of that had happened, so of course I wasn’t like this before! The therapist also criticized me saying it’s not good for the 14 YR old to see her mother and therapist arguing…..oh, but it’s ok for her to see her therapist tear down her mother every week? She warned it’s only going to get worse as well….. I can’t keep doing this. This is taking a heavy toll on me. A price I can’t afford to pay….

Screen Shot 08-08-17 at 07.16 PM  I prayed to God for strength and direction, as being blamed and made to feel like shit for the past 3 weeks in a row has beaten me down even more, and the suicidal feelings are back again. Then I saw this inspirational saying show up on my Facebook feed. It ironically came from a poster called, “God”. Whaddya know. It came at just the right time and right when I needed it most.  I just hope it’s true. All this therapy crap has done is rub it in what a shitty person I am, how useless and hated I am for having Asperger’s and bipolar and how it ruins all my relationships and makes me a shitty mother, reminding me of what a failure I am at everything in life, how I can’t do anything right, and how I’m always hated and blamed for being me even though I can’t help it, and I struggle with it every single day, and all I ever get my entire life is criticism  and blame and for once I just want someone to show me some compassion  and kindness.

I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore though, attending the family therapy sessions, I mean. It’s harmful to me emotionally and mentally and is pushing me to the edge, and making me feel badly about myself. it’s too much stress. It wrecks my nerves. I am supportive of the 14 YR old and her recovery,and I’ve been going to her app’t’s weekly for the past 6 months, but I can’t keep doing this to myself; I’m an emotional wreck after, just shattered, feeling bullied and ganged-up on, and what if they’re right? What if I am the problem? I certainly don’t mean to be, want to be, or purposely try to be, and if I am the problem  and if I am responsible for her brokenness that would be too heavy a burden to bear, too heavy a load to carry, and the guilt would just be too overwhelming to live with,and it would be best for everyone if I was just removed from the equation. No one wants me around anyway, and if I’m the problem everyone would all be better off with me gone.

I just want to disappear and fly away. I’m just so defeated, so broken. I’m no “use” to anyone anyone; just a problem, a burden.If everything really is my fault and I am the problem  then why should I even bother? Why keep trying? At this point I don’t even want to be a part of this family anymore, they’ve pushed me so far away and beaten me down so much, I just want out.

Long-Lasting Effects.

Rastaman Today I said something-or-other (I don’t even know what it was) that my hubby and the 16 YR old deemed to be stupid and they shook their heads in dismay at my stupidity(like they always do) and jeered about me, referring to my medical marijuana, It must be the long-lasting effects, insinuating that the cannabis I take for my migraines is  causing brain damage and making me even dumber, and like my hubby snarked before to me,  I can’t afford to lose any more brain cells, and they’re always putting me down like this and insulting my intelligence ( or lack of),but it did give me the idea for today’s blog post(so I guess they are good for something) and got me thinking, not that the marijuana has long-term lasting effects, but rather that they do, with their bullying, and demeaning, cruel mistreatment and ridiculing me.

Screen Shot 08-07-17 at 06.24 PM The way they treat me has long-lasting effects.Bullying always does.

Every time they say how stupid I am.

Every time they tell me how worthless  I am.

Every time they say that no one loves me.

Every time they call me names and then say I can’t take a joke, and don’t have a sense of humour.

Every time they make fun of my for my disibilities and limitations.

Every time they insult me, my looks, my weight,

bully me,

put me down,

demean, devalue, dismiss, berate, exclude,

and mock me

it leaves long-lasting effects.

When will they see the damage they cause and take responsibility for their part in it?

They hate me for what I am and for what I’ve become, due to how they treat me.

they should have known it leaves long-lasting effects.

The marijuana wears off but the scars of bullying leave long-lasting effects.