The Riddle.

riddle My friend F (from grade 6) sent me this riddle the other night and of course it confused the hell out of me as I can’t do math and I can’t do riddles or puzzles. So then he decided to try posting it up on his Facebook to see if anyone else could figure it out and no one else could either(so I didn’t feel so dumb) and it turned out that only his own daughter(who is now in her first year taking engineering at the University of Toronto) was able to correctly solve it. He himself is also good at stuff like this because he’s an accountant and really smart, plus, he’s Chinese, and well, let’s face it, they just seem to naturally be smart at math.I, however, am the opposite, and I’m convinced that I must be missing the part of my brain that does math although my MRI results have never officially mentioned anything.

For fun I had my hubby(who is really smart as well as a nerd) and the genius 11 YR old( who’s in highschool) try it, thinking for sure they’ll be able to do it, but surprisingly even they couldn’t; it even stumped them and they got the answer wrong and then they spent like forever picking it apart, every single little detail, trying to figure out where they went wrong, trying to figure it out, once I showed them the answer and how to achieve it. My hubby kept complaining how it was stupid and dumb, etc. but that was only because he couldn’t figure it out and got it wrong and got stumped. He’s really arrogant like that; he usually gets everything right with little or no effort, so when he can’t figure something out he just can’t believe it, and he gets all huffy and indignant, whereas with me I’m used to it and, in fact, I’m surprised if I actually end up getting an answer right!

In case you wanted to try, here is the answer:

lol, give up?? .. red shoe =5 guy = 5 cone = 5 look closing on the last guy. he is wearing a pair of red shoes and holding 2 cones =1 red shoe + (1 guy + 2 red shoes + 2 cones) × 1 cone = 5+(5+(5×2)+(2×2))×2 =5+(5+10+4)×2 =5+(19)×2 =5+38 =43 final

Screenshot_1054 My poor sunflower is also dying. All the leaves are now brown, shrivelled up, dry, and crispy. As you can see it finally has the bud  but we’ve hardly had much sun lately even though I do leave it in the window in the diningroom where we get the most sunlight( it’s too cold to put it outside anymore, and we’re supposed to get 10-15 cm snow today and tomorrow too….boo…) and it’s also the room(as well as the livingroom) that has 8-10 feet ceiling, big enough for it, I’m thinking it’ll die before the bud ever has a chance to open, to blossom, to bloom; all for nothing.It got so close,almost there, and then dies just before it can open. Just like me. Dying before I ever got a chance to blossom, to shine, to achieve anything, to succeed, to be beautiful, to be happy, to find love,to have my moment in the sun,to live. I’ve always played by the rules, tried to do the right thing, tried to be a good person,been obedient to God, but all for nothing. Where has it gotten me? If this doesn’t sum up my life I don’t know what does.

I also heard somewhere that heart attacks the majority happen between 6 am and Noon so it got me thinking if that’s the way I’m going to die( which is entirely possible given my family history and my high BP and my grandmother died in her early 50’s of a heart attack) it’ll most likely be in the morning, and I take Buddy out for 2 (out of 4 daily) of his walks before Noon so the chances are that I might even have a heart attack during one of our walks(talk about embarrassing, dropping and laying sprawled out there in the middle of the street like that!)is high, and now every day during that time period I wonder if it’ll be the day it might happen and so I wait….and wait….and nothing….and then once Noon comes and goes without anything I think to myself, Well, I guess today’s not going to be the day then; or at least not by a heart attack, anyway….

F*ck.

Screenshot_994 F*ck, I’m feeling really, really shitty now. My abdomenal pain is so bad now I’d rate it a solid 8 out of 10 on the pain scale, plus I also have bad cramps, the bad sore back(as always), tired, swollen, achy legs(and so bloated I look like a Puffer fish) and I feel nauseated and sick and just so…..ugh…. I’m bleeding a bit again,too, and I don’t know whether or not it’s a bit of Aunt Flow (which I last had in early June) even though I seem to be in menopause now, or more abnormal bleeding, and yesterday it was so bad and I felt so sick I practically slept most of the day and I took a Tramadol; I still have 5 or so left I keep saved for an emergency; when the pain gets so bad I can’t bear it anymore. I have it pretty much daily now, it’s a constant thing, but some days are better, others worse,now it’s gotten to a point where it’s just a daily chronic thing, and I couldn’t even go to church yesterday I was in such bad shape; I know there’s no way I could stand, or even sit, that long,and my mother said, You know it must be bad if you don’t even go to church!

I also tried to have a nap I feel so crappy, and Buddy came up and joined me, burrowing under the blankets, snuggling in next to me,keeping me company, keeping an eye on me, and he was extra whiny and pawing at me,too, like he knows I don’t feel well, only I couldn’t sleep as I kept hearing what sounded like some asshole on a roof really close by, hammering and sawing, making a huge racket…I just wanted to strangle the f*cker with his extension cord…. and as it turned out it was my hubby, right out on our veranda, right below me on the balcony, putting up the Christmas lights! The Tramadol didn’t do shit, either for the pain, and I’d really be surprised if it’s not cancer actually, and really feel in my heart that it is…..

The 15 and 17 YR olds were also planning on taking the train up to Ottawa just the 2 of them at the end of the month to visit the 19 YR old for a few days over a weekend and hang out, visit, go shopping, etc. and they were really excited and looking forward to it too and planned it for awhile and now the 19 YR old cancelled out on them; she has to work, which I think is a really shitty thing to do; she knows it means so much to them; she should have just told her boss she has family coming in from out of town and requested those days off. The 15 YR old shrugged, Plans change… but I could tell that she was really disappointed. That really sucks.The 24 YR old also said that the average guy has to either have sex or jerk-off 1-3 times a day,too, so guys are even more depraved than I thought they were(and whenever I say guys are perverts the 15 YR old always accuses me of stereotyping….but it’s true……they are!) and if that’s true then my hubby must be getting it somewhere then because he hasn’t touched me in 12 years…..

My Gut.

Screenshot_991 Now the abdomenal and back pain is constant and increasing,pretty much daily now, and I’m nauseated alot,too, which is unusual for me,and my gut-feeling tells me that I have cancer, they just haven’t found it yet. My gut tells me it’s likely cervical cancer, although it may have also started elsewhere(such as the ovary) and spread to the cervix, but when I really go inside myself, when I really look deep, and ask my body to tell me what’s going on, what’s causing my symptoms(which have been going on for at least this past entire year now, if not longer) and why I continue to decline I just know deep down in my gut it’s cancer. The edema’s really bad the past few days as well, and so bad when I press down on my fingers, for example, it makes this deep dent that just stays there as an indented mark,squished in, what they call pitting of the skin in medical terms, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, and on top of that my liver must be acting-up again too as I’m really itchy and the jaundice is back again as my skin colour looks yellow-ish. I feel like ugh!

It will be interesting to see how how my family will react though if it turns out I do have cancer, esp. if it’s terminal, which I suspect it most likely is, esp. since it’s beeen going on for so long and the pain is in so many places, like it must be pretty advanced and have spread, never a good sign. Maybe it’s even affecting my entire reproductive system; ovaries, uterus, cervix, and maybe even my rectum, colon, bladder, stomach,and liver as well? I bet they’ll rejoice,actually, Yay! We’ll finally be rid of her!!  plus with my life insurance they’ll also have $$$ to move. I also have this recurring dream lately too I’m in Heaven but I’m going to a formal dance the last day of a cruise with 2 of my highschool friends and I have to look for a dress, and I meet the Love Of My Life there, so maybe there really is a soulmate out there for me only I won’t meet him until eternity; my eternal companion?

BuddyXMas Here is Buddy in his new Christmas sweater the 17 YR old got him. Last year she also got him a Christmas elf one. He’s sick today as well and barfed 3 times but luckily it’s like a clear watery and mucus-y barf and he had a diarrhrea too but later on he started to eat so hopefully he’s starting to feel better, and the 24 YR old saw my sunflower drooping and wilting and remarked, It’s trying so hard to live…. and I told him, It’s a survivor, like me… we’ve both been thru so much and endured harsh conditions and have been in pretty bad shape and yet we continue to survive and defy the odds. The 11 YR old was also playing his Minecraft game and he goes about his character, Look how high I am right now! I can’t get any higher! and I chuckled to myself and thought, Kid, one can never get too high! 😀 Also the wildfires in California are getting dangerously close to our friends’ house; they can see the smoke practically just down their street! Any closer and they’re going to have to evacuate. I often wonder too if we still lived there if our old house would have been affected,too? It’s not even there anymore though; it and neighbours on both sides houses were torn down and an apartment has been put up since.

They also had the Silver Cross Mother on the news; a mother honoured who lost a military son. In this case he’d committed suicide after being in the army and serving in war destroyed him,and what I don’t get is why all these mothers can be recruited and brainwashed by the War Machine and be indoctrinated like that and be so pro-military when their sons have died, and for what? To invade another country and kill other people; to wage war. Why? That was their son’s life and it was lost, taken away, for nothing. Don’t give me any of that crap how he died for his country and protecting our freedoms, etc. It’s all bullshit. It was a waste. Where are these real mothers that cry and scream in rage at the senseless loss of a son, lost to unjust wars, militarism, nationalism, hate, division…..and for what? Why aren’t these mothers crying out for peace and an end to bloodshed and war? If I lost a child to combat I sure as hell would be protesting the military on Parliament Hill, NOT promoting them!!

Bob ‘Mon And Sunflowers.

 

 

I have been looking in the stores for awhile now for a 2019 Bob Marley wall calendar for the wall beside my computer, for my little nook in the play room but I haven’t been able to find it, not even at the malls in Kingston or Toronto, not even in the kiosk that sells calendars,  not even in record stores or card stores,not even both my hubby and I always checking in  to look every time we’re in the area, and so I was starting to get worried, Oh, shit….what if they’re not making them anymore? What if they don’t have them this year? either that, or they only have a few at each location and they sell out quickly; either way I’m having trouble finding it and not able to get one, so I decided to go on the website of the calendar distributor and see at least if it’s even available, and I was relieved and pleased to find out that it still is, as it rightfully should be since Bob Marley is a classic and his music is eternal.

So now I have the dilemma: do I wait and see if it ever comes in the stores and save on shipping costs( I’m really big on not having to pay shipping, esp. here in this country where shipping fees are generally at least the same, if not more, than what you pay for the actual item!) but risk the chance they never do and I miss out (like I often do in life and end up regretting) or order it now online and pay shipping but at least I know I’m guaranteed a calendar, and even with the postal delays with the strike I don’t need it until early January anyway so I still have time…..oh, what to do….

As it turned out, they had a special if you pay 36$ or more you get free shipping and the calendar was 18.99$ before taxes and so I figured Why not just buy another one; get 2 and that way I get free shipping? and at the cost of shipping I might as well get another calendar as it’s practically going to be the same price anyway, and this way I feel better I’m not paying for shipping, and this way I get a Bob Marley and also a sunflowers calendar for my bedroom wall,too! My hubby doesn’t see the logic in it though and fails to see how I “saved” any $$$$ when I ended up actually spending more but for me it makes perfect sense, solves my dilemma, I don’t have to pay shipping, and I end up with an extra calendar!

As well, my mother and I have started listening to Christmas music already. The 11 YR old originally first put it on sort of as a joke to annoy us but it turned out we liked it and it’s already November and Christmas is just next month so it’s really not that early, although I’m still not going to decorate or put up the tree until the end of the month, once Advent begins. Some people argue not to until after Remembrance Day on the 11th but just like not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone celebrates Remembrance Day,either, people like me, for example, that don’t glorify the military and war, and that pray for peace and for the innocent victims of war and for an end to war, not to show support and encouragement for those who wage war and kill other human beings!!!!

Buddy has been also trying to hump my leg constantly all day and it’s like he’s attracted to it like a cat is to catnip and I wonder why all of a sudden and then it occurred to me: maybe now it’s the wintery season and I wear long pants and leggings I stop shaving until spring so maybe now my legs are hairy he likes it and it turns him on or something? He’s also extra whiny, protective, guarding to me, and barking as if he’s trying to alert me, as if he can sense and is trying to tell us something’s wrong, and I increasingly think it’s with me, like maybe I’m dying, dying soon, maybe even just a matter of weeks or even days, and he can sense it and it makes him uneasy, and he gets like this before I have a seizure as well. I also do wonder if I have cervial cancer or something,too, esp. as I continue to get more and more fatigued, have no energy, have abdomenal, stomach,and back pain, bloating, nausea, bad fluid retention, and always feel so drained, run-down, deflated,and like something’s literally sucking the life out of me… in any case, if I do die soon, like before next year, at least my family can still use my calendars, and every time they look at them they can be reminded of me.

Awesome!

HippoShirtShelfies

Check this out! I finally found the awesome hippo shirt I’ve been looking for! There’s this online place that makes T-shirts and stuff and lets you create your own they custom-make for you using the photo images you send in, incl. your own face if you want.They have short sleeves, long sleeves, hoodies, and even do pillows! I decided on the short sleeve as this way I can wear it all year in both summer and winter but the long sleeve only in winter, plus the short-sleeve one costs less. This was the perfect answer to my dilemma of never being able to find a hippo shirt with hippos all over the shirts, front, back, sleeves, everywhere…..but this is!It’s also made of the stretchy polyester material I fondly remember having shirts of as a kid in the 70’s so for me it’s nostalgic,too. So, this will be my Christmas gift from my hubby. We always do it this way as he never knows what to get me anyway(he knows I like and collect hippo things, for example, but he can’t remember which ones I already have or not) and this way he knows I like it, it’s the right size, the right style or colour, etc. I just give him the bill. 🙂

One day a week for the next several weeks my hubby’s also in Toronto all day taking a course for work to upgrade and I don’t see him all day and it’s wonderful! It feels like such a huge weight’s lifted off where I can just relax and not always feel on edge like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, and where I can literally feel my stress level go waaayy down with him not here getting in my way, getting in my face, always putting me down, cutting me off, upstaging me, proving me wrong, embarrassing me, dismissing me, devaluing me, being condescending to me, humiliating me, insulting me, etc. and I really enjoy that day each week; it feels like my special Day Off, a stress-break, freedom, a sense of relief and, Oh, good, he’s gone all day! Today’s the day he’s gone! I also had the job of manually expressing Buddy’s impacted anal sacs today. My life is so glamorous. Ha ha.

 

Unhappy Hippo.

Screenshot_945 You know how we had to turn our clocks back an HR for the fall time change? I had made sure the ones that didn’t self re-set were switched before I went to bed and then when I got up yesterday at 7 am I’d taken Buddy out, had my breakfast and had my bath, and I glanced at the time and it said it was already 8:45 and I thought, Oh, my God! How could it possibly be so late already? when usually it would have only taken about 30 minutes, and I wondered if maybe I’d spent alot longer on our walk or in my bath than I’d realized or something….then I really had to haul ass and get everyone up for breakfast and church on time… How can it be this late already?

When I called the 15 YR old down for breakfast my mother said It’s only 7:45! It’s too early! so I thought Maybe the time on my computer is just wrong then? Maybe it didn’t self-set last night? so I went around the house checking all the other clocks,too, seeing what the actual real time was. I checked my iPod, the stove, the microwave,the TV, and Google Home….but Google Home wasn’t working,and all the clocks except the iPod still said 8:45 so I figured if just my iPod said 7:45 and all the others all said 8:45 then they must all be right and the iPod must be the one that didn’t self re-set, and so it must really be 8:45 afterall. Just to be sure though I posed on Facebook saying I wasn’t sure what time it was and within seconds a cousin replied and said it was….

7:45.

….What the?????

Screenshot_946 So, let me get this straight: the iPod was actually right all along and all the others were wrong. Then I later find out it was a prank. My hubby and the kids were just mind-f*cking me again, messing with me, playing with my head, playing a trick on me to confuse and befuddle me so I wouldn’t know what time it was, get confused, and end up waking everyone up an hour early(which I did.) They had re-set all the clocks(except for my iPod which I guess they forgot) back again to the old time(and disabled Google Home) so when I got up I’d just think it was the new time, the correct time and not know what the real time actually was.

I don’t know why they always like confusing me and making me crazy.They seem to think it’s funny taking advantage of my forgetfulness but I’m tired of always being the butt of their jokes all the time, and then when I tell them to lay off they blame me and accuse me of being too sensitive and not being able to take a joke; my hubby’s classic excuse trying to justify his constant ill-treatment, insults, put-downs, bullying, and tormenting of me. Also: this also goes to show that the majority might say one thing and there’s this one sole one all on his own saying something completely different and the majority isn’t always right, like the iPod; it was the only one that said 7:45 but it was the one that had the actual time.

As well, for the past 2-3 weeks or so the bottom of my left heel(that’s also the same leg I had the blood clot, big bruise, and that  still always feels tired, achy and sore, swollen and puffy) really hurts and it’s getting worse, so bad now I can’t even step on it.I asked my hubby if he would massage or reflexology it for some relief but he refused; he doesn’t want to touch me because I’m fat and gross. I wonder if it’s arthritis or something, esp. since I haven’t injured it, or if I do have cancer( and I actually do expect the cervical cancer test to come back positive…) maybe it has something to even do with that? Perhaps it’s spread? (I wonder how my toxic family will feel then too if it turns out I do have cancer and here they are they’re always hassling me for always laying around, being so tired, resting so much and sleeping so much….)

Buddy also did this shit that worries me,too: it was a gelationous reddish-pink congealed thing, and looked like it had tiny pieces of flesh in it,indicating bleeding, and I hope just something he ate that disagreed with him and not internal bleeding; that he’s not dying or something; he’s my whole world; my only friend and the only one that loves me. If I lose him I’ll have nothing. Nothing left anymore. Nothing to live for. Nothing to keep me going. I’ll just be so lost, lonely,and desolate.

All For Love.

Screenshot_942 I woke up this morning by the putrid rancid stink of fresh warm shit, a squishy diarrhrea, in fact, waiting for me right in front of my bedroom door, courtesy of Buddy who has The Shits. He may have tried to wake me up and tell me(he normally does) only I was asleep and never heard him, esp. as I did also sleep thru the news and never woke up and when you gotta go you gotta go, so there I was, before the sun even came out, on my hands and knees, scrubbing shit off my carpet and he was hiding under my bed, thinking he was in trouble and I tried to coax him out and told him,  The things I do for you! You’re lucky I love you so much! and then I was thinking of all the things I do for him because I love him:

I get up early to take him out. I even wipe his ass for him(and this time of year is best with wet leaves to wipe fudge-smudges). I go out in sub-Zero freezing temperatures to take him out. I go out in pouring rain to take him out. I pick up shit with my bare hands. I touch the most disgusting slimy so-called “meat” and cook it for him to eat. I clean brown waxy gunk out of his ears. I express his anal glands. I get farted on, sneezed on and breathed on with his dragon breath. I pick fleas and ticks off of him. I’ve washed shit out of his fur. I’ve cleaned up his puke off the carpet. I’ve had my face licked.

I do it all for love and it’s worth it. He’s worth it.And I’d do it again. And again. And again. And I do. And I love it.

As well, my hubby’s always making fun of me for being forgetful and calls me old (even though he’s 4 years older than me) but now it’s happening to him,too; he forgot where he put his pants and he fell asleep in his relcining chair watching TV just like my Dedushka used to do, also a sign of being an old man, so who’s the old one now? Now he knows what it’s like to be old! Welcome to my world! He denies he reads my blog,too, even though I know he does as he’s made references that have only been on the blog and I’ve even seen  it up on his computer screen once when I went in to his office for something; he just lies for some reason and pretends that he doesn’t. I don’t care either way though; if he reads it or not; I don’t do it for him, anyway, I just don’t get why he has to lie about it, and he’s putting up the outdoor Christmas lights again this year too after not doing it last year and saying he was done with it.

I was also starting to leave my body after I’d had weed and Buddy could sense it and it worried him and he was trying to stop me and interrupt the process and prevent me from leaving and he kept barking, pawing at me, scratching my leg, biting at my pant leg and tugging, licking my leg, as if trying to “rouse” me and I told him, Don’t worry; I’ll come back! but he wasn’t having any of it and he ended up disrupting it and the moment was gone as I have to have just the right conditions for it to work and any distraction pulls me back out of it. I also have increasing nausea almost daily now and I know something’s wrong as it’s highly unusual for me as I’m normally not a “barfy” person unless I have the Flu(which is only like every 5-10 years or so), am prego, or in extreme pain, such as in labour, a migraine, or after surgery, so I wonder if it’s just menopause related or due to an illness? I was also shocked and surprised to figure out that with my all-day Morning Sickness for 3 months with each of the 11 kids it would end up being something like 3 1/2 YEARS of being sick!!!

I cut the 11 YR old’s hair as well and now the other kids are being mean and making fun of him saying it looks awful and he’s so ugly and really ugly now and I did a bad job(yeah, like they could do better), etc. only I think it looks good; it just ended up shorter than originally planned since he laughed and moved when I had the clippers and this big chunk got accidently shaved short so I had to do the rest to match and blend in. It looks nice; it’s just a change and big difference and it takes time to get used to is all. Before he had this thick curly wild hair all sticking out like a mad scientist and now it’s really short and spiky.

The furnace also somehow got up to 80 F and it was really nice and warm in here like it never has been before; it’s always so freezing cold in the house we have to wear coats and wrap blankets around us to try and keep warm and I have to use a space heater in my bedroom overnight but now it’s soooo nice and the kids and I love it but my mother says it’s too hot and puts it back down to 70 F and here I was all this time, all these years, thinking that the furnace wasn’t working, that it didn’t adequately heat the house well as it was always cold, but it turned out it was capable; it just was never allowed; she just always had the thermostat set too low, so it never got to warm up, but now she says it’ll cost too much to keep it at 80F but we don’t want to go back to freezing either so we’ll have to compromise and set it in-between at 75 F and I’m sure, of course, that if she puts it back down to 70 F it will mysteriously somehow “find” it’s way back up again….

 

Rip-Off!!

Screenshot_882 The joint I ordered from the official gov’t cannabis site finally arrived! It took almost 2 weeks….and it ended up being this piddly tiny little thing, smaller than my little finger, and with taxes and shipping it costs a whopping 16 $ for just the one! I got ripped-off! I feel so cheated and it came in this big long tube(seen here) too and made me think I was getting this Big Fatty…..and then when you see the small dinky little thing inside….almost half of it filter…(kind of “fancy” though as I’ve never had a joint with a filter before but even so, it’s like getting a bag of chips and it’s half full of air). Disappointment didn’t even begin to describe how I felt. It was like when I was a kid and I sent away for those Sea Monkeys at the back of a comic book and eagerly awaited their arrival only to find they didn’t work and all I got was a bunch of cloudy water.

Never again. I’m still sticking with my regular supplier. I should have known anything from the gov’t would be over-priced, a rip-off, half-assed and take forever. They started off ripping off the Native people and now they rip-off everyone else, too, and now with legalized weed they have just simply found yet another way to cheat us, rip us off and over-charge us somehow. I’m so mad and now I hate this country even more than I already did before and should send them a nasty scathing complaint letter. Maybe I should even send a shit bomb to Parliament Hill?

The only good thing was that whatever rolling paper they used was slow-burning so at least I got to slowly enjoy it. Originally I was going to save it for an emergency, but I’m never too good at saving things; whenever I get something new, esp. a treat, whether it’s a donut, a new magazine, a joint, or whatever, I can rarely contain my excitement and enthusiasm and I end up eating/reading/using/doing it right away; I can’t wait and I can’t save it, and besides, it was a bad day and I needed to de-stress.There’s just something extra relaxing about laying back and taking long slow drags off a joint and blowing out the smoke and just enjoying the moment, like a little temporary escape from the chaos of life. I had such a bad day as well I really needed an escape. When I came inside the 24 YR old quipped, as the smell of weed wafted past, Is Snoop Dogg in the house?

When the guys were out they forgot the yogurt for the 15 YR old(again!) and ever since her eating disorder I still have to meticuously make sure she gets enough to eat and all the right nutrients at the right times and the right amounts and monitor her intake  to try and prevent a relapse, and they went out again and I told them to be back at 6 pm for dinner and of course they never bothered and didn’t return until hours later,disregarding me yet again, and they also got me the wrong wrap too so I never had lunch, and then the 17 YR old was really mouthy, insulting,name-calling disrespectful, nasty, defiant and talking back and being a bitch(I’m being abused by my kids, too!!) when I told her to do something and she refused and basically bragged I have no authrotity over her and I can’t make her do anything and of course my hubby agreed and backed her up and then he starts ripping into me that  never shut up and keep going on and on about everything all the time, and repeating myself even though no one ever listens or hears me and I have no voice or say and I’m never heard. Maybe if they actually took the time to listen  what I have to say(and do what they’re told!) the first time I wouldn’t have to.

I also had the thought cross my mind, being just so fed up with my family, my life, being so unhappy for so long and not seeing any hope or improvement or any end to it, Why wait until Buddy dies (he is my best friend, my joy, and my lifeline and without him I have nothing left to live for, to keep me going) to kill myself? Why not just do it now? What am I waiting for? but then I figured, Then I lose and they win. That’s what they want.

Nails And Neuro.

Screenshot_877 I saw The neurologist and while I was in Kingston I also went to the nail salon and got my nails done, as seen here and to the mall and spent the day of it. I got a French manicure and it always feels so weird having a stranger holding my hands and touching my nails I can literally feel myself tensing up and clenching, but I got thru it and it turned out really nice. I may be ugly, but at least now I have pretty nails. In the mall I also saw these funny socks that said f*cking asshole on them and it made me laugh out loud and when I came out I said to my hubby who was waiting outside, I just found the perfect pair of socks for you! I was gone all day and poor Buddy missed me so much he spent all day sulking under the couch and didn’t eat all day or come out until I came back.

The neurologist is concerned about my hallucinations which just began this summer and doesn’t think it would be due to my white matter decline unless it’s gotten really severe, and wonders if I might have brain inflammation or it’s just caused by extreme and chronic stress otherwise but he’s ordering an MRI(takes about 1-2 months to book) to take a look as well as to see if there’s any changes in the deterioration in the white matter; if it’s the same or worse than it was last year.I was surprised when he said hallucinations can be caused by extreme stress. I never knew that. Really?  Stress is my life. He asked me if there’s any possible way to lower stress in my life and I told him short of running away from home and moving to a distant far away country, no. He said as well that it’s really mean my family plays mind games with me and takes advantage of my forgetfulness.  He also had lots of bloodwork done; they took 6 vials!

 

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On the way home I also took this cool photo of the setting sun. The 24 YR old always complains as well he doesn’t get enough food even though we spend 600$ a week on groceries, but he eats so much we can’t afford to feed him; he can eat 5 sandwiches for lunch, for example, or an entire pizza, but we don’t have enough, otherwise there won’t be enough for everyone, so we have to ration food to one serving or piece each so there’s enough to go around and I told him if he wants more he either has to get a job and buy his own extra food with his own $$$ or have a garden and grow his own food.It’s not fair that he eats everything and there’s none left for anyone else.

Pap Test.

Screenshot_873 I had my Pap test yesterday, only I got the time wrong and got there an HR early so I just had to sit there….. I’d had the time originally written down on my calendar but the kids are always scribbling stuff on it, sabotaging and ruining it(usually by drawing occult stuff on it to annoy me) and one of them eventually just ended up ripping the entire page right off, so I wasn’t able to check and verify . They also updated and now they have a self-sign-in electronically where you swipe your own health card and also had all the patients take this survery only it was on a Tablet and I’m no good with those annoying modern electronic devices, just like with the kiosks at the airport where you have to scan your passport to get your boarding pass; they never work for me  and I always end up having to go get an employee help me, and of course I had trouble with this,too…

When I tried to swipe my health card to sign in it never worked(this happened before at the hospital too when they had the same dumb self-check-in thing for a scan) I swear my body must emit some sort of magnetic field or something that kills electronic devices…so then it said I can punch in the numbers manually so I tried that….it still didn’t work….and I still ended up having to check in at reception anyway,and with the survey I didn’t know how to backspace it and delete mistakes and for weight I accidently hit the wrong numbers and it was so sensitive to the touch it keep repeating and locked in for the answer that I weigh 1808888 pounds and that my BMI calculated as an excessively obese 380! so I had to go up to the reception desk yet again and have her help me with it and everyone in the office was laughing, and it took me so long to manouever thru it,too, and I felt like such a dolt.

Then when I finally went in for the much-dreaded exam they no longer have the fabric sheets to drape over you anymore but disposable paper ones and they were so small it was the size of a paper towel and I told the nurse, My fat ass is going to need more than that to cover! I’m going to need alot more sheets! I must have really clenched up and gone rigid for the exam too as she kept telling me to relax(so I closed my eyes and tried to go to my Happy Place on the beach in the Caribbean, and tried to imagine a hot guy down there, or floating in the water, or laying in the sun) and she asked me the usual woman questions about my cycle and anything unusual and I told her about the unusual bleeding, abdomenal pain, and how I keep asking the doctor for a referral to the gyno as I know something’s wrong and when she got a look in to the cervix she said she did see abnormal stuff just by looking,before any cells were even scraped or examined: she said I have a blister on my cervix and excessivly thick discharge and she said neither is a normal finding for a woman my age and stage in life so she also took extra swabs and is testing for other infections(and I knowdo get frequent yeast infections) as well as cervical cancer.I said why not, since she’s down there swabbing away anyway. Maybe there’s some other kind of infection like staph or something it’ll pick up?

I know I don’t have an STD though as there’s no way I’d get it (unless my vibrator had it)since my hubby’s the only one I’ve ever been with and even with him we haven’t done it in over 11 YRS, since I got prego with the youngest, and the nurse said as far as the cervical cancer if the results are normal I’ll get a letter in the mail  in about 3 weeks and if not the doctor’s office will call me. I wouldn’t really be surprised if that’s what I do have though as it would explain my symptoms, not only the pain and bleeding but also my achy, sore legs, constantly sore lower back, swelling and fluid retention, constipation and diarrhrea, fatigue, foul discharge, etc. maybe I’ll finally have my long-awaited for diagnosis and answer to my mystery symptoms that have plagued me forever?

Maybe I have cervical cancer?

Buddy is also being very agitated today like he’s got his knickers in a twist and he keeps licking my left  leg and whining and he looks at me intently(as if he’s trying to read my mind almost) and barks, like he’s trying to alert me, like he often does lately, it’s like he can sense something’s wrong, and it made me wonder those times after I’ve had weed and I get this bad feeling like Buddy’s got cancer and is dying only I can’t tell if it means he really is and I’m only aware of it then as that’s when I am more enlightened and can access more full knowledge, or just that I’m rather more paranoid due to the weed, my imagination runs wild, and it’s not actually true, I wonder if maybe I got it all wrong and it’s not actually him that’s dying; it’s me? Maybe the reason that he seems “out of sorts” and mopey and unsettled lately isn’t because he’s dying, but because he’s the one who’s grieving….. for me?