Wake And Bake.

Screen Shot 12-16-17 at 08.08 AM Yesterday I started off the day with a Wake and bake. I had this special brownie (that is, a  pot brownie) for breakfast. I had to put this sign on it so the kids wouldn’t eat it and the 23 YR old said he almost did eat it,too, and I would have been really mad, esp. since I paid 10$ for it! I never noticed any effect on me though and I shared some with him as well. Going to the dispensary the other day I felt like a kid in a candy shop and felt like Merry Christmas to me! Christmas came early this year for me! Also driving on the way home my hubby was on his phone again(which is illegal, distracted driving, and I’m always telling him not to do) and there was even a police car right in front of us, and here I was, with my purse full of weed and there he was, just asking to get pulled over, but at least I had my medical marijuana license with me, so I wouldn’t be the one going down…..  😀

Screen Shot 12-16-17 at 02.25 PM 001 This is also the Ugly Christmas sweater I got for my anniversary gift. It’s so perfect and so me. I picked it out myself. He also made me this insensitive and mean card where he drew this exploding penis that he tries to pass off as a “tree” and wrote how do I put up with him but then again he has to put up with me,too…..yeah….”nice”…..how “romantic.” When I asked where are we going out to eat for our anniversary dinner he said the disaster the other day at Popeye’s counts as our anniversary dinner, too. Is he kidding? What the f*ck? Well, that really sucks. It would have been symbolic if yesterday ended up being the day that I died,too as that was the day I did die, actually the day I first met him was the beginning of the end of my life and it would have been fitting to have died on our anniversary. My life’s been over for a long time anyway.

Screen Shot 12-16-17 at 02.25 PM 002 This is also the Doxie plaque I bought the other day and my mother opened up the medicine chest to get her pills and said to me, Did you buy more weed? It stinks like weed in the medicine chest!  Ha ha.

Screen Shot 12-16-17 at 05.17 PM 001 and here is the purple sequin backpack I bought. I’ve always loved sequins ever since I was a little kid. I think they’re so glamourous, like the fancy evening gowns the Hollywood stars used to wear to the Academy Awards. I’ve always dreamed of having a blush pink full-length sequin dress but (1) I don’t have the body for it (2) I have nowhere to wear it and (3) I can’t afford it, so getting the backpack is the second-best thing. I also have a pink and silver sequin pillow I keep on my bed. I also asked the 23 YR old’s GF (who’s American) how can USA explain Trump, esp. after Obama, and she shrugged, There is no explanation. That pretty much says it all and sums it up. I’m worried about my FB friend who recently had a baby as well; I haven’t heard from her in awhile, no baby updates anymore and she’s taken down all references and photos of her baby from her FB page and now I also notice I’ve been de-friended too even though I’ve been nothing but supportive to her as she went thru the pregnancy and birth all on her own….I’m worried something’s wrong…

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F*ckin’ COLD!!

Screen Shot 12-14-17 at 07.47 AM It’s f*ckin’ COLD out! It’s so frigid cold you can’t feel your face or anything else! When Buddy went out for his morning walk he didn’t even want to go pee; he just stood there stubbornly in refusal, trembling and shaking, and he was limping along and then collapsed as his feet were just so frozen cold. He eventually did go pee and then I scooped him up under my arm and carried him back inside so he wouldn’t have to walk on the cold snow any longer. When he got inside he quickly burrowed deep under his warm “nest” of blankets and hibernated and I tossed my heated blanket on top of him as well to quickly defrost him and warm him up, my poor boy. I said it must easily have been the coldest day of the year so far and my hubby said no, January or February of this year must have been colder, but no, I even heard on the news it is the coldest day of the entire year so far, even colder than any day this past January or February, so I win. I wish I could hibernate until spring, on a beach in the Caribbean! I’m done with this cold winter shit already.

As well, when I was in the kitchen preparing a meal I all of a sudden felt faint, like I was going to pass out, only this time at least I had a “warning” like I usually get; I had that creepy weird restless feeling plus I started to see the flashing lights warning me I have mere seconds to quickly sit down before I pass out and go down hard, so I sat down for a few minutes until it passed and then resumed my activities but it just all of a sudden came out of nowhere suddenly without any warning leading up to it; I didn’t feel sick or dizzy or anything, and then it was fine although now the abdomenal pain is back again and my stomach feels uneasy. That’s one of my biggest concerns lately if I’m out someone alone, like, say, at church, or even worse; on the way walking to church or back by myself; what if I faint again and no one’s there to help me, or even worse; they rob me or something while I’m passed-out laying there on the ground, or even on the road and I get run over by a car? I was fortunate last time it happened in the kitchen and people were home but next time I might not be so lucky…

 

The PenguinHawkEagleOwl Sparrow Hawk.

Screen Shot 12-13-17 at 06.18 PM When Buddy was outside going pee I noticed a bird of prey hiding under a bush in our yard watching him, stalking him as prey,and then it flew up on top of the fence to get a better vantage point so I quickly brought him inside and noticed the bird waited there afterwards for hours, waiting for him to return and it scares the shit out of me. I know some of these things have even swooped down and scooped up human babies and carried them off so hunting a small dog isn’t unheard of. At first I thought I was just seeing things, hallucinating, because I’d had my weed although I was pretty sure that I wasn’t and that it really was real.

At first my automatic reaction was to just freeze in fear but then instinct quickly took over and I rushed Buddy quickly back indoors, and he was completely unaware of the danger lurking just steps away from him, and then later my mother, hubby,and a couple of the kids looked out the window and also saw the bird as well so I knew it wasn’t just me and that it really was there. At first I thought it was a hawk, that it looked kind of brown although I didn’t really get a good look at it and I was kind of freaked out and worried about Buddy, so I went back later for a closer look and I thought it was a penguin as it was the right size and shape but that just didn’t seem right( I was on weed, remember) and then thought perhaps an eagle as closer inspection I could see it was a greyish-brown on top and white on the bottom, but then when I got really up close to try to take a photo( which I never got as it flew away) I could also see spots on the back of it’s head and upper neck and white “fanning” tail feathers along with 3 long ones sticking out, leading me to think that perhaps it might be some sort of owl but when I did a Google search describing it and images began to show up I was able to match it to the sparrow hawk. So it is a hawk,afterall. I was right from the beginning. I’m just glad that I saw it and noticed that it was there and that Buddy wasn’t out alone in the yard for example, or it could have gotten him and I’d never know until it was too late. I don’t even want to think about that.

It’s also really freezing cold out, – 16 C with wind-chill of – 25 C, and my medical marijuana group is having a Christmas potluck dinner and I wonder what kind of desserts they’ll have there, like maybe some special brownies or something? I bet that’s going to be one interesting party but with my social phobia I don’t like to go to parties or socialize and I feel really awkward and uncomfortable around all those people I don’t know and I never know what to say and my anxiety level goes thru the roof and I get panic attacks so I just end up staying home. My hubby and some of the kids also have a Christmas brunch at a country club this weekend one of his brothers works at. It sounds nice, but then again, too many people and crowds make me feel uneasy.

Crappy New Year!

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I heard a song on the radio I could have sworn said have a crappy New Year! but then realized it must have been have a Happy New Year but it was so funny I re-named it and so now my greeting for 2018 will be, jokingly, Have a Crappy New Year! Knowing me and my life I probably will,too.

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The 16 YR old was also trying to wrap one of Buddy’s Christmas gifts ( a squeaky ball) right in front of him which I warned her ahead of time would be a bad idea as he’d sniff it out and sure enough he did and he went for it, snatching it out of her hands and when she tried to get it back he was having none of it and he growled over it protectively, knowing it was his and he wasn’t giving it back, no way, no how…touch it and die…

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One of my Jewish friends put up photos of his Christmas tree on Facebook as well and when I replied, What is that, a Hanukkah bush? he laughed and goes, Jews like trees too!

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I heard this car ad on TV and they said how it’s the perfect Christmas gift as it already comes assembled and I was thinking, What the f*ck,man? Imagine having to assemble a car? and I thought trying to assemble IKEA furniture was bad enough… and I’ll still never forget that time when I was about 20 when my mother and I spent an entire weekend trying to assemble a bookcase and it ended up upside-down and backwards.

HippoXMasTree We finally got the snow we never got last time so it’s finally starting to look like Christmas,we’re to get 10-20 cm,  and I heard on the radio that Wal-Mart sells “marijuana” Christmas trees; artificial trees that resemble the cannabis plant. That’s just so hilarious and so perfect for me. I’m going to have to check it out and see if they really do next time I’m in Wal-Mart. It will be the perfect decor for my room!

HippoXMas My mother saw her doctor as well and gave everyone in the office and at the lab baked goodies for the holidays because she’s always trying to buy people’s affection, to get them to like her, to gain favour, to be their fave. patient and such, and it was funny too how she’d labelled them so no one here at home would eat any, Do not eat! For lab Mon” and I thought she was doing the Jamaican thing, “for the lab, ‘Mon” but she meant “for the lab on Monday” but it cracked me up just the same. My hubby and I also pre-ordered tickets online for the new Star Wars  movie on Friday as we’ll be in Kingston anyway for my CT scan to see if I fractured my skull or have a slow brain bleed from when I fainted and fell and hit my head and I guess it’ll be our anniversary date which is the next day. I can’t believe it’s been 29 years. I’ve wasted more than half my life away.

Not Much.

Screen Shot 12-09-17 at 08.01 AM Nothing much happened today.

I just love this; the colours, the style, the design, etc. It’s  the Unicorn Cafe in Bangkok, but it would be my dream bedroom style, I’m such a girly-girl! It’s just so pretty, pink, pastel, feminine, dreamy, magical, pretty well every girl’s dream room and even at my age I still love it. A friend of mine remarked that it looks like a unicorn barfed up rainbows. I can just picture it with  nice Queen Anne -style dresser, wardrobe,bedside table and bed, all painted white, and the bed with a pretty sheer pink canopy draped over the top. I’d never leave my room.

Screen Shot 12-09-17 at 05.32 PM 002 This is also the 16 YR old in her new cheerleading uniform, all purple, my fave. colour. I like it all except for the gloves but I’ve never liked those style of fingerless gloves that’s mesh or has the holes in them. I really dig the fuzzy feet, very 60’s mod-style fashion. Buddy also hasn’t been eating any of his dog food for the past week, not the moist food I put out daily or the hard kibble so I wondered if he was sick so I did an experiment by offering him other food such as chicken, weiners,and pepperoni which he took ok so his appetite is ok; if he was sick he wouldn’t eat anything, and I get the impression he’s hungry always scrounging around the carpet eating whatever he can find as well as constantly mooching off us so it got me wondering if maybe there’s something specifically with the dog food or it’s location that he doesn’t like so he’s avoiding it and not eating it, such as maybe it’s too close to the garbage and he doesn’t like the smell, or maybe the mice have been in it or something, so I switched the location of his bowls but it made no difference, he’s still not eating it, so now I just have to feed him other food now, such as chicken or roast, because he has to eat something. Maybe he’s just become so spoiled now he refuses to eat “peasant” dog food anymore and will only accept real meat, people food now?

The Shoulder, The Wrist, The Chest, And The Toe.

Screen Shot 12-08-17 at 06.25 PM Reading the title for this post reminds me of one of those jokes…. The shoulder, the wrist, the chest,and  the toe walk into a bar…. but actually the shoulder, the wrist,the chest,and the toe walked into the hospital…last night my hubby and the 16 YR old both went to the ER together; a joint adventure, which we’ve been having lots of lately; we should get a family discount rate! My hubby’s had a really sore shoulder for a week now and despite putting heat on it he can’t sleep with the pain so he finally decided to get it checked and it’s a pulled muscle like we figured although he has no idea how he did it, but they gave him a pain shot in the arse(likely Tramadol or something) which helped. The 16 YR old also went for her sore wrist and chest pains she’s been getting at night. It turns out that the wrist is just from over-use at cheerleading and the chest pain is- get this- just indigestion from eating too much spicy food so she has to lay off the curry and sriracha, at least right before bed, and the 21 YR old said just the day before she comes up here to visit us over Christmas break she has to have surgery on her toe,too! We’re all like broken down old jalopies that need an over haul!

As well, we’re supposed to get 5-10 cm of snow, our first real snowfall; before it was just a light dusting that quickly melted later that same day, but at least it’s nice for the Christmas season though and so far I haven’t really felt “Christmas-y” yet, maybe because we don’t have any snow yet, and because we don’t have any lights up on our house this year, I don’t know; I’m just not feeling it. Buddy also started to open up a gift under the tree by shoving his head thru it and making a hole; he smelled there was a stuffed toy in there and wanted to get at it. I also remember Patti telling me about a Christmas morning at her son’s he was the first one up and he’d unwrapped all of his toys from under the tree before anyone got up and when they got up he was playing there quietly with his gifts, wrappers strewn all over the floor, but he’d only opened his toys(I guess he identified by the scent?) and had left all the others. Now that’s one smart(and funny!) dog!

I saw on my Facebook hippo lovers group as well someone described us as hippophiles and it made me laugh at first as it sounds like pedophiles, and I envisioned people being sexually attracted to hippos and it made me laugh my ass off, and I Googled the term before I actually used it myself, to check it’s authenticity(because I just don’t automatically believe something I read online, duh!) and it’s a good thing that I did because it doesn’t mean what you’d think it would,and,in fact, has nothing at all to even do with hippos; it actually means someone who loves horsesYou learn something new every day. So then it got me thinking, What is the “official” term for hippo lovers, anyway? Is there even one?

I got my referral to the cardiologist for early February as well which is pretty good to get to see a specialist in just 2 months; usually it’s 6-12 months I’ve had to wait before, and sometimes even longer, so as long as I don’t die of a heart-attack by then…and I figure the best thing that I could do for my family would be to remove myself from their lives since they hate me anyway and think I’m a burden, annoying, the cause of all problems, the fault of everything, and they don’t want me around or part of the family anyway, plus they mistreat and demean me too and I’m beyond miserable, so if I do die soon it would be doing them a favour and they’d actually be better off and I’d be happy, free, and in a better place too so everyone would get what they want and be happier. A win-win situation for everyone. Hey, God, did you hear that?…hint, hint…

 

 

 

The Dog.

Screen Shot 12-07-17 at 06.24 PM My family broke my heart today talking about how Buddy’s old and going to die soon (he’ll be 12 in the new year although Dachshunds can live up to 15-17 years old,too) and they were discussing his “replacement”. I don’t even want to think about that; he’s my best friend, my sweet little companion, the only light and joy in my life, what keeps me going, the reason to get up every day, my reason to live, and if I didn’t have him in my life anymore I would have no one to love me, nothing left, and nothing to live for. Life without Buddy in it wouldn’t be any life at all. God knew how much I needed him and needed him in my life, he literally saved my life, and if he’s gone I would just be so lost, so shattered, so devastated, so desolate, so crushed, so heartbroken, so alone. No one and nothing could ever “replace” him. He’s one of a kind and the best dog I’ve ever had. My life would be so empty without him but I certainly would still want to get another dog though, as I need someone to love, to dote on, to look after, to be my companion and friend, to keep me company, to talk to, to cuddle with, to  give and receive affection, to share my life with. I need a friend. I need love.

So my hubby and the 14 and 16 YR olds were discussing his “replacement” and the girls were saying which breeds of dogs they like and my hubby kept saying they were too big and he prefers small dogs and my mother said no more dogs at all, and then I would be utterly alone and have nothing and no one. I said since Buddy’s my dog and I’m the one that’s responsible for taking care of him and that does all the work( feeding, bathing, walks, etc.) that I’d be the one who gets to choose the next dog and I want a Chihuahua like I had as a teen, as they’re small, easy to care for, require little food and exercise and also happen to be my fave. breed and give me good happy memories of a happier time, plus I’d also get an older dog, an adult that’s already housebroken, but they turned their noses up in revulsion saying they hate Chihuahuas and they’re “ugly”, etc.. but it would be my dog and I’m the one taking care of it. They were also insulting how much I love Buddy and even suggesting disgusting things like we do gross sexual stuff. They’re just sick. They won’t ever leave me alone. They won’t even let me have my dog to love without mocking it, twisting it around, making fun of it, trying to take it away from me, deny me it, and degrading it.I can’t even love my dog without them tearing it down.

It just breaks my heart how once again my family has no regard for my feelings, what I need, and what’s important to me. This is the ONE THING THAT MATTERS MOST TO ME IN MY LIFE is that I have a dog, a best friend to hang out with, to love,and be my companion,someone who loves me back, basically my life-saver.Honestly, it’s like a therapy dog I need for my emotional well-being. It would be bad enough to lose Buddy but if they wouldn’t even let me get another dog to help ease my grief and loss at least, to at least attempt at some healing by having another dog to love then there’s no chance for me at all. I’m done. I’d have nothing left anymore and I’m not sure what hurts even more; the loss and aching I’d feel in my heart and in my life; how deep that pain would be, or the fact that my family knows this(and what effect it would have and what it would do to me) but still don’t care; even though they know I’d completely fall apart they still say they won’t “let” me get a Chihuahua, despite how much it means to me.I am invisible in this family. I have no say, no voice. I don’t count or matter. Like I said, my dog is the only one that loves me, and without him I’d have no one. I just hope and pray I die  first, before Buddy does.