Occult Symbols.

Screen Shot 10-15-17 at 07.22 PM The 16 YR old baked cookies with an occult symbol on them( seen here) even though she knows nothing occult is allowed in the house out of respect for God as this is a Christian home and the Bible says you have to choose to follow God or Satan; you can’t follow both, and we are also told to avoid everything to do with the occult, incl. Hallowe’en (Satan’s Day) and any occult symbols such as the Jack ‘O Lantern yet she continues to defy me and she also had this glittery Jack ‘O Lantern occult decoration in her room as well and she said was for a friend, for her birthday( yeah, like I haven’t heard that one before, as in, My friend needs advice,  or I’m just holding them  for a friend… yeah…..right…) so I told her in that case then to just put it in a bag and hide it away somewhere until her birthday and then give it to her but we are not to display any thing occult or have any occult symbols in this house, and if they do then I will get rid of them,and she was really mouthy, snotty, and talking back, being really defiant and disrespectful, and saying she’ll “throw out Jesus” then, etc. and snarking that it’s just my rule, no one else cares….what, so if it’s just me then it’s just to be ignored, defied,disobeyed, dismissed, who cares? I don’t think so, you little brat, and I told her if she brings in any more occult things I’m taking her phone away. I’m really tired of her and her attitude and one thing I will not tolerate is blasphemy.

I don’t think they realize(or care) how symbols have great significance and meaning, how powerful they are, what they represent, and why it’s so important to keep our home free from any occult influences. Think about the Swastika, for example, or the Confederate or the ISIS flags; what comes to mind when you see them? They symbolize something; something bad, not something you’d be proud to be associated with or would want to proudly display in your home. It’s the same way with the occult. It’s like inviting demons into your home! We don’t have many rules and this isn’t asking too much and as long as they live here, they obey the rules. The kids have broken me and beaten me down now to the point where I’ve all but given up and I have no authority, say,respect, and they just laugh in my face and ignore me and just do whatever they want while mocking me, but this is something that I will never back down on; when it comes to spiritual matters; I will not allow them to disrespect God or to bring the occult into our home.They will never take my faith from me.

The 22 YR old also kept coming into my room during the night trying to kidnap Buddy and I kept waking up so I didn’t sleep well (he’s just sooooo annoying) and my mother announced we will be moving next summer and she wants to get a bungalow as she can’t go up and down the stairs,and I have a hard time,too, but I hate bungalows, but hopefully I’ll be dead by then anyway and I won’t have to worry about it, and I should get my biopsy results this week,too, and she said they only call if something shows up so no news is good news and if they call then you know they found something. The main reason my mother and hubby said they want to move(as well as downsizing now we have less kids at home) is also to force the 22 YR old out to get his own place as he’s still living here at home and refuses to leave but when we move he has to move out, which I think is a mean tactic, but that’s what Patti also did to get her son to move out,too; she  just moved.

The leaking roof is even worse now as well and now I can see it leaking in 3 spots and we had alot of rain and now it’s soaked the towels we put on the floor to absorb the water, and the heavy rain and 100 km winds were really bad but luckily it was while I was at church and in-between when I had to walk there and back so it wasn’t raining while I was walking, and I know that was God looking out for me. Others would deny it and say it was just coincidence or just luck but I know better. I have faith and I know He answers prayer and cares about His faithful people. I know He cares about me and takes care of me and watches over me and that He loves me even when no one else does and that He must see something in me no one else does because even though my family makes me feel unlovable I still matter to God. I also have this suspicious feeling that the kids don’t really go to church Sunday mornings either but probably just walk over to Tim Horton’s or something and hang out there instead and just say they went to church. Someday I should go over there and spy on them just to have the satisfaction of catching them in the act…. I’d just love to see the look on their faces…..

 

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Cat-Calling.

Screen Shot 10-08-17 at 07.09 PM I heard on the news the other day that somewhere they are trying to have cat-calling outlawed.Cat-calling is where guys whistle or yell out to women as they pass by in a public area, signally that they find them sexually attractive. I think it’s more of that overboard politically-correct crap forced on society again, banning free speech, as it’s just a way of showing desire and approval, sort of like a thumbs-up. I was surprised that my 14 and 16 YR olds , even at their young ages, have been cat-called, several times, in fact, and they said that they hate it, that they find it degrading and insulting, harrassment, like they’re  a piece of meat, like it’s a human mating call like the 16 YR old said, which I think is just the perfect description of it, but I’m the opposite, because being an ugly girl I’ve never been cat-called, not even by construction workers. That’s how ugly I am. You know you ugly when you’ve never been cat-called in 50 years of living! Personally I would consider it a compliment, that someone found me pretty, attractive, sexy, desirable, alluring…. and, in fact, it would just make my day! It would put a spring in my step and boost my confidence.It would make me feel good about myself. I don’t see how guys letting you know that they find you beautiful and that they want to f*ck you is a bad thing. What I wouldn’t give for that.

My stupid headache woke me up 4 times during the night as well so today I had a 3 hour nap and I finally found something that got rid of it,too: weed 😀  After I’d had my weed I’d noticed the headache was less and it took the “edge” off ad then later it has dissipated completely! Oh, thank, you, Lord! Cannabis truly is a wonder drug! Blessed relief!! ♥  Due to my head injury 2 weeks ago I noticed it’s affecting me too as it took 3-4 tries before I could figure out how to spell the word “ketchup” right, and saying my prayers, for example, used to take 30 minutes a day but lately now takes all day as I keep forgetting and my mind wanders off and I have to keep getting back to it. I also found out a Facebook friend with cancer who had recently been in a lot of pain was recently unconscious for 4 days although it’s a blessing too because at least she wasn’t in pain during that time, so if you could please pray for her?

Thanksgiving.

Screen Shot 10-06-17 at 09.57 AM Today’s our Thanksgiving. The second-oldest came for a visit for a couple of days and my father-in-law also came for dinner and the 22 YR old’s GF. This was the first year the 18 YR old wasn’t home( she’s away at school and it’s too far and too expensive to come back just for a couple of days) but she spent the holiday and had dinner at her BF’s house with him and his family. We had 5 turkeys, ham, 4 pumpkin pies, peas, corn, 3 kinds of potatoes, fries, dozens of buns,etc. and had a big dinner in the diningroom. We also go around and say what we’re thankful for and the 22 YR old said his GF which was sweet and also shows he’s maturing too as he usually says something stupid, offensive, and inappropriate, like ISIS, or human trafficking or something. My mother said that we’re all still alive this Thanksgiving and I said I bet I won’t be next Thanksgiving; I doubt I’ll even be here for Christmas….

Screen Shot 10-08-17 at 05.34 PM 001 Here is our table, all set up, and I don’t know if you can see it, but we also have decorative leaves scattered on the table top. The second-oldest was mean and insulted Buddy as well saying he’s NOT the cutest-looking dog ( but he really is) and he was even extra close to me and whiny today, I think he could sense my bad headache(and also I felt sweaty and faint and not well all day) that I still have, for almost 2 weeks now ever since I fainted and fell and hit my head, and for the past few days also feel pressure and a stabbing pain behind my eye and so bad nothing works to relieve it and I tried everything; I thought it must be a sinus headache so I took the sinus pills but that never worked so I took Tylenol, even migraine pills, even morphine I had left over from surgery…nothing got rid of it, and the 22 YR old seemed concerned and he said it might be a slow brain bleed from my head injury and it could be dangerous and I should go to the hospital and get it checked.( if I have vomiting, blurred or double vision or uneven or dilated pupils then I will) I appreciate his concern esp.  as in my family no one usually even cares. I bet even when I die they won’t regret how they’ve mistreated me, or not even regret they never gave me a party for my 50th birthday either, they’ll probably just be glad I’m gone and not have to listen to my music anymore, or put up with my weed or my stupidity; they’ll be relieved to be rid of me.

Americans are also mad that Trump is trying to stop gov’t paying for birth control but I actually support him in this: here in Canada we have universal health care yet even here people have to pay for their own birth control, it ‘s not covered by taxpayer money, and what gets me too is how the femi-nazis are always going on and on about how the gov’t has no business with their bodies and how they shouldn’t interfere with their “right” to have abortions( what about the baby’s right to life and to be born?) and then yet also at the same time demand that the gov’t pay for their birth control? You can’t have it both ways! If you want to prevent having kids or to kill your baby if you do become pregnant, then YOU should  be the one who pays for it. It’s that simple.

 

Black-Outs.

Screen Shot 09-27-17 at 07.15 PM So here’s something interesting. I blacked-out. Fainted. Twice, in the kitchen as I was preparing the 14 YR old’s grilled cheese for lunch( and now she’s so paranoid she’s convinced that I’ sneaking funny stuff(like butter) into everything she’ll sniff it, inspect it, look for any signs of tampering… she’s like a spy….sigh… I just want her to get better(and hopefully without having to be sent away) and just doing what I’been instructed to do.) and I woke up flat on my back, looking up at the ceiling, thinking, What am I doing laying on the kitchen floor? and that’s exactly what the 10 YR old said when he walked in and saw me laying there, with a shocked confused look on his face, and I replied, I’m not sure…. because at the time I had no idea,and then bit by bit it was coming back; I remember frying the sandwich and then hearing a loud thud! and moaning, Ooooh, it really hurts! It really, really really hurts! and that woke me up and I opened my eyes to see the kitchen ceiling and then realized what must have happened; that I’d passed-out, and the butter in the plastic dish had melted all over the stove when I went down hard, too, and I got 2 big burns on my hand and arms, too.

I know it happened at least twice that I’m aware of as I remember waking up on the kitchen floor on my back looking up at the ceiling thinking, what the…..? how did I get here? and I touched the back of my head, expected to see a big bloody smear but there was nothing, even though it feels like broken shattered glass and it feels like something’s broken and moving around in there and now my head really hurts and I have a headache,too and 2 really big bumps I can’t lay on the back anymore, and Buddy won’t leave my side and he seems to be upset and agitated and keeps licking my leg and barking, so did I perhaps break my skull, have a brain bleed, fluid pressure, or swelling or something and maybe I’m even dying and he can sense it? My mother and hubby thought it was due to my weed, except why would that be any different than normal though, so I’m thinking it’s due to whatever medical issue is plaguing me, whether it ends up being colon or rectal cancer or whatever, and when I’d woken up and also in-between black-outs I was really sweaty,too, big streams of sweat just pouring down my face, drenching me, as if I’d been sprayed with the hose.In-between all that drama I also re-dyed my hair, touching up the ash blonde colour and the 14 YR old’s blonde now too and it looks really nice. The new cannabis oil I ordered arrived as well.

Renovations.

Screen Shot 09-24-17 at 12.10 PM Here is the wall on the stairs coming down to the main floor being renovated; my hubby’s tearing off the old floral wallpaper ( that I like) and is going to be painted it instead a dull, boring, institutional grey (like he did on the upstairs hallway) which reminds me of a prison and looks so gloomy and ugly, in preparation to sell the house, which he’s intent on doing, even though neither my mother or I want to move(even though we own it, not him), but she won’t stand up to him and always agrees with him and takes his side,and no one ever asks or cares what I think, and my opinion doesn’t matter and I have no say, anyway. I just hope that I die first, before they move so it won’t even be my problem and I won’t even have to worry about it. Moving is such a hassle and stress, and I esp. hate packing. It’ll work out better for them if I’m dead before they move anyway as that’s one less bedroom they’ll need so they can get an even smaller place as they downsize. The 14 YR old’s also currently switching rooms and moving into the 18 YR old’s old room so now that room’s also currently under construction with the walls being sanded and painted and redecorated, etc.

Watching the news my hubby also muted a commercial just because he knows I like it as as soon as I said, Oooh, I like this commercial! he muted it, just to be an asshole, and I had to walk home in the 30 C heat with a humidex of 40 C too(and it was brutal, but I’m Jamaican at heart so I can take the heat) as he was picking up the 16 YR old at her cheerleading, which now got switched to Sundays and he scoffed that church is at the most inconvenient time, except it’s at the same time it’s always been; it’s her class that got switched, and he said I’ll even have to still walk to church in the worst of winter,too, even when it’s – 40 C and 6 feet of snow and icy…..what an asshole; he doesn’t give two-shits about me, and I very likely have cancer and he still makes me walk in 40 C heat instead of driving me; it’s lucky that I didn’t pass out… and when I told him, Hopefully I’ll be dead by winter anyway and then you won’t have to worry…. his reply was just turning the TV up louder to drown me out. He really is a huge prick.

I wish that I had a good, loving relationship like my aunt and uncle had and my cousins do, with my aunt and uncle( who are now both dead) he just adored her, he was just devoted to her and loved her so much,and my cousins I overheard him saying to someone else at a family reunion about her, She’s been such an excellent wife and mother. They were married right out of highschool and are still together now, and they’re about 60. I wish I could have found a love like that, but guys aren’t exactly lining up for ugly girls with Asperger’s and my abusive heartless cold hubby was the “best” I could do but I now realize that I would have been better off staying single rather than settling for the wrong person. If only I was pretty and glamorous I could have had a chance and more of a choice, like in the Van Halen song Love Comes Walking In, the verse…there she stands in a silken gown, silver lights shining down… I imagine that’s me, that I’m beautiful and someone finds me desirable….yeah….right! HA!

Buddy also seems back to his usual self again and no longer hiding under the couch or bed and he went for full walks again and didn’t have to be carried back home and he eagerly greeted me at the door when I came back from church so whatever it was( sick? in pain? hurting? scared?) seems to have passed, thank God, as I was really worried about him, and my arms are wasting away with all the drastic weight loss too so it must be cancer; what else could it be,and my hubby accused me of being the only one who doesn’t like sports and turns it off on the news when my mother doesn’t like it either(so that’s 2 against 1; majority rules) and also thinks it’s redneck, meaningless,and a waste of time, but she refused to admit it and said nothing, leaving me out there all on my own like she always does, never taking my side or backing me up and when I asked why she always does that  her lame excuse was because I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drummer and I’m different, not like other people, always going my own way and off on my own! Can you believe it? What does that have to do with anything? I replied I’m off on my own because I don’t have a family that supports me, has my back, or defends me,and always gangs-up on me, so why would I want to be with people like that, and besides, what’s so wrong about being an individual that thinks for myself, does my own thing, and doesn’t go along with the crowd, anyway?

The Butt Shake.

Screen Shot 09-23-17 at 06.46 PM The eating disorders clinic told us to make smoothies and milkshakes for the 14 YR old so I have been, incl. a vanilla milkshake yesterday with ice cream, milk, yogurt, and vanilla extract for extra flavour, and she announced that It tastes like butt! and scowled ( but was good and still drank it anyway) so without missing a beat, I replied, Then I achieved my goal! I meant to make it butt flavour! It’s a butt shake!  I find that being light humoured is helpful, to try and de-fuse a possible confrontation, to lighten the mood, to make someone laugh, to try and connect with the kids, to try and crack a smile out of her, to reach out, to bond, and to stop from crying. So there you have it, folks, if you should ever find yourself craving a milkshake that tastes like ass you know where to find one. I used to put protein powder in them too until I found out it also has testosterone in it, and I don’t really think she wants hair on her chest so I’m not putting it in anymore, but I add stuff like yogurt, honey, etc. to bulk it up.

It was also so hot yesterday ( 33 C with humidex of 40 C) it was even too hot for me and I could only be outside in the morning for a few hours and had to come inside to cool down at Noon, and we even have an extreme heat warning for 3 days, and I had a dream we had a tornado at 5 pm and with all this humidity I wouldn’t be surprised even though tornadoes in September are almost unheard of ( June is tornado season,and always in summer) but then again so is a heatwave like this,too, so you never know…. the 14 and 16 YR olds dyed their hair again as well; the 14 YR old bright red and cut it,too, from really long up to her shoulders and the 16 YR old dyed hers a bright blue.

I also wonder if Buddy’s strange behaviour lately( hiding under couches and beds) is maybe because he can sense something bad is coming soon and he’s afraid, because this is how he is during and just prior to, a thunderstorm, so maybe he can sense a change in the atmosphere or something, and maybe we’re going to get a tornado or an earthquake or something and he feels unsettled and afraid so he’s hiding, or perhaps maybe he even senses that I do have cancer and I’m dying and he’s upset and depressed? Typically blood in the shit is a classic symptom of colon cancer though and I don’t have any, or not that I can see anyway, but just because you can’t necessarily see it doesn’t mean it’s not there,either, though, just like  wasn’t aware my pee had blood in it and never saw it; it just showed up when they tested it, or it could just be higher up in the colon where it wouldn’t be detected…. and I do have the abdomenal pain, diarrhrea,and weight loss….my mother also said if I do only have a few months left I can go to Jamaica like I want afterall; she’ll just charge it and let me enjoy one last trip, but it also all depends on how quickly I decline and if I’m even well enough to travel…..maybe I still can have the chance to see the Bob Marley Museum and smoke some authentic Jamaican weed afterall?(and relax on the Caribbean beach, my Happy Place…. and I would love to die there.)

Last night apparantly the smoke detector outside my bedroom in the hallway kept loudly blaring they could even hear it all the way down on the first floor ( my room’s up on the third floor) but I  just slept right thru it and never even heard a thing! I must have been really tired and in a really good, deep sleep not to hear that, as I usually wake up at the slightest sound; a door opening, someone walking up the stairs, Buddy sneezing, etc.. but I did also have my radio and A/C on as well. It must have been malfunctioning. I just hope we don’t have another fire though; we already had a bad one ( we barely escaped and lost half the house) 21 years ago at our old house and we don’t need another one! Shit… maybe that’s even what Buddy’s all agitated and scared and hiding for? Are we going to have a fire and he can somehow detect it before it occurs?

I also figure after I wake up from my colonoscopy I will know what it feels like to be  a gay guy who has just been deflowered and my poor arse will be so swollen and sore and possibly even bleeding and I probably won’t be able to sit down for a few days and will be walking kind of funny for awhile,too…. my arse is an exit, not  an entrance! I’ve never had anything up there before! The medical team will probably get a good laugh at the tattoos on my ass though. Humour always makes things a bit better.

A Rough Week.

Screen Shot 09-22-17 at 06.45 PM It’s been a really rough week, I mean really rough. So yesterday, even though it’s not my normal weed day I brought out my trusty bong and my last bud of weed I had left and had a few good hits, because, you know, sometimes you just need a little extra to get you thru days, or in this case, a week, like this, you need to just float away from life. First of all it was crushing to be told that we failed the eating disorders clinic and have it suggested we go elsewhere because the 14 YR old isn’t gaining enough weight like they want and expect, even though I’m doing everything they’d told us,and I’m trying hard, doing my best and putting my all into it, and it’s not easy,ad it’s taking alot out of me physically and emotionally, yet it’s still not enough.

Then, on top of that, I get my CT scan results which highly cause my doctor to suspect cancer, which is why he’s referred me to get the colonoscopy, and even though I want to die and have been ready to die for years it’s still heavy to face the fact that you likely have cancer, which is never an easy thing to hear or face, and then to realize something’s wrong with Buddy,too, as he’s been acting strangely for days and I fear he might be dying….it’s all just too much, and all at once. Just in case though, I’m keeping him close by me all the time, as I don’t want him to wander off and hide somewhere and die alone; I want him with me plus I want to spend as much time with him as I possibly can while he’s still here, and to make what may be his last days special I gave him chicken and beef, a treat, which he ate eagerly so his appetite’s still good which is a good sign, but when he goes for walks now he can only go half way and then he just sits down and won’t budge and I have to carry him the rest of the way home. I can’t bear to lose him though, he’s my best friend, the only light and joy in my life, the only one who loves me, and if I lose him I’ll have nothing, no reason to get up in the mornings anymore, no one to love me, I’ll be lost and alone.I’ll miss not having him following me everywhere I go, greeting me excitedly at the door when I come home, licking me, snuggling with me on the couch, sleeping next to me in bed, going for our walks, always by my side….he’s such a big presence in my life. ♥

They also called yesterday about my colonoscopy(that was fast!) and I get it in just 2 weeks and they said my case was marked as very urgent! and they wanted to do it as soon as possible but originally they had it booked for the same day as the 14 YR old’s app’t (and her health and recovery is most important and comes first) and I said I can do it any day except the days she has her app’t’s so I got it for 2 days later. I was really high when they called too so it was complicated and confusing trying to navigate thru the call with my mind not working and trying to book a date as I didn’t even know what month it is now, and, in fact, I somehow thought it was March! They’re going to mail me an info pack beforehand with instructions I apparantly have some regimen I have to follow before I assume to clear me out so I don’t have any shit all up in there blocking their view,and luckily I will be asleep when they do it( like I was for the endoscope I had before) so I won’t remember any of it,and they said they do use different tubes up people’s asses than they use down people’s throats,not the same one, thank God!

It’s still really warm like summer too and will be for another week, so that’s like 3-4 weeks of summer, like the summer we didn’t get in August, so it’s like August and September switched places and it’s even going up to 31 C and 32 C this weekend with the humidex around 40C! Now it’s actually hot enough to swim,too, except we already closed the pool! When I was sitting outside something weird happened as well: all of a sudden I could smell Babushka, that is, the smell I remember every time I’d smell going to her house or when she’d sit close to me, I could actually smell it, her scent, even though she’s been dead for 12 years. It was the strangest thing, but very nostalgic and comforting. I hope when I die that she’s the one that meets me in Heaven,too, if I have the choice, but maybe they’re assigned, I don’t know…the only bad thing though if I die soon is I’ll never know how The Blacklist  ends once the series is over.