BuddyLong Here is a funny photo of Buddy and the 16 YR old that the 14 YR old took. Look how extra long he is! I know he’s a Dachshund and he is long but in real life he’s still not quite this long, like he appears in the picture. Here he looks like he’s 2-3 times longer than he actually is in real life. I suspect the photo has been “doctored” in some way, edited or Photoshopped, although the girls deny it. If not, then perhaps it’s just the angle, but either way he’s quite the longfellow, we could call him Stretch. I also picked 4 fleas off him in just the same day. Another sign spring is near(he was rolling around in the grass), along with the flock of geese I saw returning the other day and the birds that have come back.I like spring; it always shows new life, a promise of new hope and renewal after a long cold winter. It brings hope.

As well, I have the cold now that 3 of the kids had, now I’m sneezing, have a runny nose and a scratchy throat, and I felt really weird the other day too, just all of a sudden, really “creepy”(like how I did awhile ago in the CT scan) and hard to explain the feeling but the closest would be like when your BP drops suddenly and quickly so I checked it and it was a bit high actually but not concerning but my heart rate was low; 52(normal is 65 or so) and I checked online and anything below 60 is considered bradycardia, or low heart rate, also called Sick Sinus and low enough for a pacemaker, so it would also explain why I’m always so tired and feel like I’m going to faint when I stand up and that time why I did faint that time a few months ago, It will be interesting what the cardiologist says when I see him next month….

I also lost more weight again; I can tell as my rings are looser and so are my pants and my stomach looks flatter.I came across as well something called Addison’s Disease which means low  functioning adrenal glands and explains alot of my other symptoms and it makes sense if I have that as well esp. considering I did have issues with my adrenal gland before, incl. low levels of aldosterone.It also would explain the darkening patches I have on my skin…A cousin also informed us that my mother’s uncle( who was in his 90’s) died and so did another cousin’s ex-wife, who would just have been in her 60’s. I remember when their family first moved to this country when I was a teen and when they divorced she moved back to Europe and I think she remarried again.

I had these weird dreams as well, incl. the neighbour’s house next door was on fire and I could see the flames coming from their upstairs window, and another dream that the 23 YR old and his GF split up and I was sad because I like them together and they’re so cute, and another dream as well this family wanted a dog so they said about Buddy, We’ll just take this one! and I said, No you won’t! That’s MY dog, and if you touch him I’ll gut you like a fish! but somehow they did take him but he managed to escape and come back to me.I liked it in church yesterday too in the homily the deacon said that even thru suffering,trials, hardship, and pain you are never alone and that God is with you and Jesus suffered too and you are like a seed planted in darkness that is in a hostile environment yet one day will still blossom. I’m like that seed. I have been planted in darkness and I am waiting to blossom.





assholes I live with assholes. I am surrounded by assholes. First of all, the 23 YR old ate Buddy’s chicken hearts which were to be his food for 4 days. Yes, he really did eat chicken hearts. He said he was starving and we don’t have enough food as usual so he ate the dog’s food. He said that his hunger comes before the dog’s…..except not when paid for it with my own $$$ and he still has to eat too and now he has no food! I’m tired of him always taking everyone else’s food,and now he’s even eating the dog’s food, too? So I told him since he took it he has to go to the store and replace what he took and buy him another one and then he says I have to give him the $$$$ because he doesn’t have any $$$ even though I don’t either and I bought it the first time and he was the one that ate it so he should be the one to replace it!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, last night when we were in bed for the night once I had fallen asleep he opened my door and snuck in my room and took Buddy out from under my covers and then shut my door so he wouldn’t be able to come back in. Now normally opening of my door would have woken me up but I’m just soooo tired lately with all my medical issues plus the time change I was dead asleep and never woke up…..that is, until Midnight and then I noticed in a panic that he wasn’t there so I sprung out of bed looking for him all over, frantically calling, the kids laughing, all in on it, not telling me where he was, and I had just woken up and it was the middle of the night and I was worried….I really didn’t need their shit…esp. not then… and I eventually found him sleeping on top of my hubby who was on the couch so I  picked him up and he was just so happy he kept thumping his tail and nuzzling me, as if saying You found me! You came for me! Thank you!! I missed you! and carried him back up to bed and then he nestled in really close to me, he practically melted into me, snuggling right up next to me where he remained the rest of the night.

My family are such assholes. I wish they’d just leave my dog alone. For me he’s sort of like a therapy dog  and I hate it when they tease him, take his food, kidnap him, do things to annoy him, be mean to him, etc. and they’re always provoking and annoying me. I’m thinking that maybe I should have my hubby put a lock on the inside of my bedroom door so that way no one can sneak in and steal him anymore or open my bedroom door and come in to do anything or to disturb me in any way. I also think it’s time the 23 YR old moves out and gets a place of his own. He’s such a “shit-disturber” as my mother says and he’s always eating everyone’s food. When I can’t find anything to eat, for example, I just go without and  go hungry; I don’t take someone else’s. My toxic family are just depleting my resources emotionally, mentally, and physically. You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

As well, I still have the bad stomach, abdomenal, and back pain; I wish I knew what it was like to live life pain-free, I really do, but lately it has just become a part of daily life, a chronic thing I have just learned to live with,and sometimes the pain gets so bad it’s the kind of pain that makes your toes curl, fists clench, teeth grit, and makes you rock back and forth trying to get some relief. It just wipes me out.

Dark Energy.

DarkEnergy I was laying on the couch resting,headphones on, with my eyes closed, and all of a sudden I felt the presence of dark energy, like a shadow filling the room, a bad vibe, like a dark presence and I opened my eyes and saw my hubby had entered the room! It was the weirdest, strangest thing. I could literally feel his negativity towards me and his darkness in my life invading my personal space, my peaceful zone, almost like a dark foggy mist that creeped into the room and disrupted my peace. Earlier I was also in the livingroom listening to reggae  on Google Home and he walks in and just turns it off and puts on something else, something like he likes, even though I was listening to that and I was there first, having no regard for me,and then later on when I was listening to Van Halen and he wasn’t even in the same room as me(I was in there by myself) but in the diningroom he still yells at me to turn that “garbage” off…. he’s just a controlling asshole that delights in provoking, goading,and annoying me, likes to walk in and take over, thinks he’s boss,and likes to try to ruin my enjoyment of the music that I love.

As well, my BFF said awhile ago she was in the hospital for 3 days with an infection( and my friend O who had the heart surgery spent a week in the hospital) and they think it might have been her colon and she had a colonoscopy and biopsy just like I did too but it came back normal and she says she goes on these crazy cleansing detoxes as well she recommended to me but no thanks: she only drinks fluids for a week followed by only eating raw food for a week, incl. rabbit. Yes, that’s right: raw rabbit. Ugh, no thanx. I’d be too hungry for one thing and raw meat is just gross.I wonder if that’s what caused her infection? My hubby’s always saying the diet Pepsi I drink is what’s causing all my medical ailments too even though it’s caffeine and sugar free; he just likes to always blame me somehow. She also asked my to be a reference for her passport. Now that I can do.

I was also rolling a Big Fatty and my mother goes, It smells like weed in here! and the 10 YR old went to a Classical Mozart concert(he’s cultured….I like that) the 14 and 16 YR olds have colds, and the 18 YR old pretty well gets 100% on most of her assignments at school and plans to move out of residence next year and find a place elsewhere, and we have now officially started our week off school for March Break! We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog’s prego yet and if Buddy’s going to be a father but they would make beautiful puppies….



Moving Day.


For the past 4 nights I’ve have my old recurring dream (that I’ve had for years, although not days in a row like this, just every now and then) that I move back to my old Toronto house. Even though I only lived there for 5 years, from age 12-17, of all the houses I’ve ever lived in ( at least 13, maybe more) that house has always been my fave. and the one that I most feel was my home. In my dream my mother and I and Buddy move back there and it’s the same it was as when we moved out in 1984, the same wallpaper, carpeting,etc. and I’m trying to figure out where to put the furniture and the stuff on the walls, etc. and in last night’s “episode” it seemed so real I didn’t even realize that it was a dream and in the dream I remember saying to myself, I’ve had recurring dreams about moving back to my old house for years,and now here I am! I’ve always wonder what, if anything, it means and symbolizes though; is it just happy memories of a place I felt safe, at home, protected from the world, my sanctuary,  and just happy times I wish I could go back to, or is there something more, perhaps meaning I’m going to die soon, symbolizing that I’m going Home soon, as in to Heaven, like how that old Toronto house symbolizes my home…..

Speaking of moving, in the latest dreams there’s also an extra addition to it as well where my mother booked with the moving company to get our stuff and move it to the old house and she signed a contract with the moving date but they never showed up and each day goes by I keep hoping and waiting it’s moving day but they never show up and it never is even though they said Friday….and I keep waiting and waiting, desperate to move back but the movers never show up….. they also sold that house beside D’s old house that was up for over 400 000$ and it didn’t take that long to sell,either, and it must be to out-of-towners as the rednecks in this town couldn’t afford it, and that’s what this town is; mostly run-down cheap aluminum siding houses with the odd nice big old house thrown in here and there, and everyone puts their toilet paper rolls on the wrong way too, with it rubbing along down the wall, and talk low-class in double-negatives too, revealing their obvious lack of education, such as I a’int seen nothin’, I never said nothin’, is that one of them weiner dogs? etc. It just makes my skin crawl. Everyone also wears these plaid flannel shirts and look like farmers and even the women drive pick up trucks!

We still don’t know yet if Patti’s dog is prego or not but the vet says not likely since Buddy’s 12 and likely has a low sperm count but I think he’s up for it; I don’t think he “shoots blanks” and I think he’ll show them and prove them wrong; he’s got what it takes, and the 18 YR old for one of her journalism interviews for school had to go to a redneck hockey game! Poor her! She must have got the short straw when it came to assignments, but she also gets good assignments,too, like reviewing live theatre performances and interviewing famous people.My hubby was also 3 days late giving us our $$$ for the month and he brushed it off saying we don’t need it now and I told him We needed it 3 days ago! and he either just doesn’t see how much we struggle financially or he’s in denial, or just doesn’t want to step up, but it’s so bad that we couldn’t even give the kids their allowances until he paid us and we’re so poor now too my mother wants to get a haircut(and needs one) but has to let her hair grow out long because she just doesn’t have the $$$$$. She doesn’t even have the $$$$ for a haircut.

My mother also asked if anyone at church mentioned my Buzz-cut but what are they going to say, like, Oh, my God, you’re bald! What happened? No, they never said anything and they never even stared, but it’s church and they’ve seen me bald many times before so it’s no big deal. I saw this old guy there too, likely near 70 with this much younger woman, 30-40 years younger than him so then in my mind I was wondering, I wonder if that’s his daughter or his girlfriend? so then I tried to guess based on their body language and other clues and I noticed he had a sharp hairstyle and was dressed dapper incl. sunglasses and was looking good, like he was trying to impress someone so I figured she must be his girlfriend and then he put his arm around her and gently rubbed her back…..so, ok…..I guess that answers it, she’s not his daughter! 😀  My father-in-law also had a birthday and he’s now 85. Wow….I sure hope I don’t live that long. It’s depressing even thinking about it.


Bold, Bald, Badass.

BuzzcutNew Going….going….gone! My Buzz-cut is back! I missed it and was bored with my hair and the Buzz-cut best describes me and my personality so I shaved my head again. This is how I feel(and best express) the Real Me. This is me. I look and feel like the most myself with the Buzz-cut. So far anyway no one in my family has even mentioned it, so either they never even noticed, or (more likely) they did but they can’t say anything without being mean so in that case it’s better not to say anything at all than to say something mean. Alot of other people over the years have liked it though, just random people I’ve come across in life from airline staff, to those in medical settings, or clerks in stores, or even just strangers in the street that approach me and say how “cool” it is, how many people can’t pull off a Buzz-cut but it “suits” me, and how much they love it and how they wish they had the courage to do it too but they’re not “brave” enough. Patti says the shaved look isn’t a flattering style on me but let’s face it here, when you look like I do, nothing is a flattering style; I’m still ugly no matter what I do, so I might as well just do what I like and as long as I like it that’s really all that matters, anyway. I am bold, bald, bodacious,and badass.

My friend P (from grade 6) also had her birthday and her and her BF are in Montego Bay to celebrate; what I wouldn’t give to be in Jamaica right now myself… and my former sister-in-law ( she was married to one of my hubby’s brothers) is getting married next year also in Montego Bay; she’s snagged herself a rich guy this time around ( my mother calls it “moving up” or “trading up”) and I was at her last wedding so I hope she invited me again, and then I get to go to Jamaica,’mon! The 16 YR old’s cheerleading squad also came in Second place at a competition in Kingston over the weekend, and just to worry and panic me the 14 and 16 YR old’s ran outside with Buddy to take him out for a walk but didn’t tell me and then they purposely left both front doors open so I’d see it and panic thinking he ran away….just to be cruel, just to mess with me, just to watch me freak out in panic….only their cruel “prank” didn’t turn out so well as I looked out the door and I saw them with him, scurrying down the street and then heard the 16 YR old exclaim, Oh, no, she saw us! My family is toxic. I really need to get out of this place.


Heart Scan.

scan1 Yesterday I had my CT heart scan. I also had to have the contrast dye thru the IV as seen here. The last time I had it for a scan I never had any problem; it just made me feel like I peed myself! They even had a cardiologist there during the test as well whereas you don’t usually get an actual doctor during scans; the technicians do it, and she gave me 2 sprays of nitroglycerin under my tongue to get better images as it dilates, or largens, the heart vessels, allowing for better imaging, but side-effects are it also widens all vessels, so your BP might plummet really low…. and….

scan2 ….after 5 minutes or so, maybe less, after I had the spray in my mouth( it tasted like a really sharp breath mint) I started to feel really…well…funny….I was all floppy and felt like a snowman that just melted and collapsed all at once into one giant swooshing puddle and they must have been able to tell by looking at me as they said, Are you ok?….. and as I felt my arms flop down from holding up over my head down to my sides and my head slump over to the left, I mumbled, I think I’m fading…. as it felt like sort of combination of when I’m going to pass-out and just before a seizure.

Then the same thing happened again right after they injected the contrast dye into my IV. At first I just felt a cold, wet sensation as the liquid coursed thru my veins and then the familiar feeling like I’d just wet myself, but then, also, I got this funny taste in my mouth and my throat felt funny, like swollen and hoarse I felt really restless and “floaty” and like I was going into another dimension, or into another frequency, sort of like how I go after weed, and I could feel myself “floating” and going towards the edge of consciousness, and have only vague recollections of it but I do remember them rushing around, sliding me out of the scanner, a cold hand resting on my forehead, a BP cuff on my arm, a voice which sounded distant, Are you still with us? so I came close to blacking out 2 times during the scan or perhaps I actually did…. So that was how I spent my morning.

It was also funny prepping for the scan the nurse asked me if there’s any chance that I might be pregnant and I laughed and replied, Good one! That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time! You do know I’m 51, right? and she said they have to ask every female aged 10-55 and I thought 10? are you f*cking kidding me? That’s sick! I also had to fill out this form and it asked when my last period was, if I use contraception, etc. and last one was 2 months ago, no, I never used contraceptives…I mean, c’mon, man, we have 11 kids   does it look like I believe in contraception?..…and then she asked how can I be so sure there’s no chance I’m not prego, You are married, aren’t you? she asks, and I assured her,that, yes, I am, and then she asked when’s the last time I did….you-know-what… and when I said  11 years ago….embarrassed and ashamed…I’m so undesirable even my own husband  is repelled by me and doesn’t want me… I couldn’t even describe the look on her face but then she said, Well, at least we know you’re definitely NOT pregnant!! and turned around and wrote something down in her chart.

It’s been really mild and nice here the past 2 weeks or so as well, even 10 C or even as high as 15 C  and pretty much all the snow has melted away but now they say winter’s coming back with a vengeance; this was just a little teaser for spring. I never “fall” for it anyway. Mother Nature is a bitch. We’re supposed to get lots of snow this week and March is supposed to be really bad; lots of snow and really cold; it will almost be like February and March reversed. It’s been bad in Europe recently as well with many countries getting buried in snow, incl. my cousins, who posted photos of the snow on their Facebook.


Just Stuff.

needles Just a strange day. I don’t know how else to describe it. I saw these syringes with needles in down in the basement when I went down to the deep freezer and I worried one of the kids was injecting hard drugs so I rushed over to my hubby to tell him what I found and he said, Put those back! They’re mine! and said he’s using them to inject coloured ink into his printer but at first when he said they were his my first thought that came to my head was, and you hassle me for using pot and you’re injecting heroin or God knows what? It was quite the surprise though and not something I’d expected to find and I wonder where he got them from though; did he steal them from the hospital or something? I have no idea where you’d even get needles from. It’s weird too since my hubby has this aversion to needles; they make him throw up and even faint!

The gastro doc’s office also called and said how I scored low on the Alpha 1 test on the bloodwork so he wants me to next time I go to the lab for his monthly bloodwork to also get genetic testing, a deeper look into that based on my last result, so maybe we’re finally getting somewhere, getting some answers to my medical maladies, issues, and why my organs are failing, I’m falling apart and always so wiped-out tired and drained. He said he’ll fax the requisition over to them and the results for genetic tests take weeks. I felt dizzy and like I was going to faint all day yesterday as well and Buddy could “sense” it as he was whining all day and kept licking my face, like he was worried about me. He’s just so sweet and because I don’t have any human love in my life God sent me Buddy because dogs love unconditionally; he doesn’t care what I look like, what I’ve been thru, how broken I am; he just loves me the way I am and I love him back.

I walked by the 16 YR old at the diningroom table as well and thought I saw her eating rainbow sherbet( which it turned out it was) and I said, Ooooh, is that sherbet? and she sniffed, It doesn’t matter! It’s not for you! and she said how she paid for it with her own money, blah, blah, blah, I said, You should still share…. and she huffs, Not with YOU! even though she did give my hubby some; she’s just being a little bitch. Don’t f*ck with me. I don’t put up with your shit, girl. I got my satisfaction. (remember when Patti wouldn’t share the cottage cheese with me?) My family sucks.