The Laneway.

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This is a laneway next to the hospital parking lot and everytime I see it, it reminds me of my childhood growing up in Toronto because there are alot of laneways and alleyways in Toronto.  They are common things in big cities and I remember them well. I remember playing in them when I was a kid, I remember never going there at night or in the dark, because bad things come out at night, like the gangs, the pimps, the hookers, the drug dealers, etc. but during the day time laneways are places of great fun and adventure for a kid. You can ride your bike or skateboard down them, it’s a great place to play Hide And Seek, to run around, to play Tag, even badminton, although it always keeps getting interrupted every time a car could come thru.Sometimes you could even find some interesting things there as well…. Every time I see a laneway now it takes me back to my childhood and brings back so many happy memories. It reminds me of my happy childhood in the city and I miss it so much. I miss those days. I miss my childhood. I miss being happy. I miss the city. I miss living in the city. I miss the action , noise,and bustle of the city. I miss the diversity. I miss the culture.I miss the shopping. I miss laneways.

As well,the 22 YR old got his purple belt in jiu-jitsu, which he says is pretty close to a black belt in karate by the time it takes to earn it, so it’s like an eqivalent, and now he’s qualified to open up his own dojo. He’s been doing it for years, and now just brown and black belts left to go which will still take a few more years, and I thought I heard the 18 YR yesterday too but figured I was probably just hallucinating as I’d had weed….but it turned out it really was her; she’d come for a quick visit, and she’s home from camp for good on Friday, and she said alot of her friends think my hubby’s in the Mafia too having a large family and supporting them on one salary. Now that’s a hilarious thought….him in the Mafia? I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard. He’s such a weenie!

Screen Shot 08-15-17 at 06.32 PM I also saw this picture the other day in an article about Down Syndrome and this girl looks exactly like Arabella, the girl I see in my dreams!! It just blew me away and I still wonder who she is and why she often shows up in my dreams, a future grandchild, perhaps, or perhaps one of my own 6 babies that I miscarried? I got the impression it was a very close relationship, like she was my daughter or something, or if not, at least a relative of some kind….. My mother said as well that No one gets married anymore but that’s not true, and, in fact, several of the oldest two kids’ former teen friends and friends from university are married now, and some even have kids, and even one of the 21 YR old’s former childhood friends got married last year,too, so I’m just not seeing it. My theory is this: the way I see it is if people are just living together and not getting married then they don’t want to commit and they’re not sure and this way they always have a “back-up” plan, an escape, in case someone “better”  comes along they have a way out, but if you love someone then you’d have no doubt and wouldn’t hesitate to get married. When you really love someone you just know, and what I want for my kids in life is to find love and happiness and to never settle or sell themselves short.

Buddy hadn’t been eating his food for awhile either and “told” me that he was tired of it so I tried a new kind…..and he gobbled it right up, so I was right, so now I just switched him over to the new brand, and it costs more but if it makes him happy it’s worth it, plus if he wasn’t eating the other one and it was just getting thrown out it’s a waste of $$$$ and he’s not getting anything to eat,either. The second-oldest is also in Mexico, I think visiting a friend who lives there and who just recently got married there, and my hubby apparantly didn’t have time to pick up my pills at the pharmacy ( and he has to do it because he’s the one with the insurance coverage from his employer and has to show the card) even though I’m running low and am almost out…..but he still did have the time to pick up the 18 YR old from camp for a visit and to take the 10 YR old to his activity…..just doesn’t have the time and can’t be bothered if it’s just something for me. I’m the lowest on the totem pole.

My First Child.

Screen Shot 08-13-17 at 08.27 AM  I can’t believe that my oldest will be 28 in 2 more months.That’s older than me when he was born. I was 22, just 3 months away from turning 23. Here he is around age 14. It was a special experience raising him, partly because he was my first child so everything was new and it was a new and exciting adventure and also because he was such a good baby and a good little kid and so smart and so easy, so it was a joy raising him. I really enjoyed raising him and it was fun. I’m so lucky,and so glad, that he was my first. Others that followed some have been really difficult; difficult to feed, criers, screamers, fussy, defiant, destructive,colicky, …..but not him, even as a baby he would eat well, quickly, and with gusto, and go back to sleep and wake up right on time for his next feeding, and I’m lucky that the first one was one of the easy ones. God knew what He was doing.

I still remember the surprise when the pregnancy test stick turned blue, and back then you had to do a series of 3 steps and wait 30 minutes for the result to show up so it was really nerve-wracking.The first time I tried though it came up negative, so it must have been too early. I was surprised, It actually worked! We made a baby! I have a little human being inside me! I just couldn’t believe it! Working with God we created life! Then when I felt and saw him moving around inside me it was just magical, and when I left the hospital after his birth (back then I had to stay in 3 days) I remember thinking, I can’t believe I actually get to take him home with me! and I was full of so much excitement for this new adventure, and he didn’t disappoint.

Every milestone with him was special because he was my first and I was learning as I went along but he made it so fun and so easy that even the rigorous demands of a newborn( the constant feedings, getting up during the night, being sleep deprived and exhausted,etc..) were enjoyable because he was just so good and such a delight and it was such a wonder watching him grow and develop. It was a blessing and a gift that I got to raise him and it was such an amazing experience. He turned out ok too so I guess I must have done something right. He was sort of like our “experiment” being the first, but luckily he came thru it unscathed. I really enjoyed raising him.

As well, my mother and the 22 YR old went to a local  rib fest and they only had 5 vendors, not like in Toronto where they have lots, but I didn’t go as I can’t walk that far and my hubby was too busy to drive, and it was really redneck anyway; they also had beer, cornbread and beans and had a mechanical bull! Buddy seems better now too; he’s eating again and more lively, so maybe he just had a virus or an  upset stomach or something, and my hubby said he could drive me to church yesterday too but he didn’t, so I had to walk and then I saw him drive right by me as I was walking…..and he never even stopped to pick me up along the way and I was soooo pissed off and he never even picked me up after,either,and I felt dizzy and faint all day…..and it was a special Mass as well with the Archbishop ( the same one who Confirmed me all those years ago; he’s been there for decades) and 10 priests, incl. the one who was here when we first moved here….and  the Grumpy Old Fart,too! It was really beautiful and inspirational, the kind of thing that gives me goosebumps.

The Top Bunk.

Screen Shot 08-11-17 at 07.55 PM I still remember laying awake in the top bunk. I was 17, it was the mid-1980’s and it was in August, at the end of summer. My mother and I had just moved back from L.A. as it didn’t work out, and we had nowhere to go for awhile so we were staying at my aunt and uncle’s house for awhile and I was staying in one of my cousins’s old rooms and he had one of those old-fashioned wooden bunk-beds from his childhood, and I still remember that night very clearly: I was laying on my back on the top bunk, the window was open, it was a cool summer night and I could hear the crickets and smell the wildflowers (we were out in the country) and I was looking out at the moon and contemplating my life and my future. I was praying to God, because I felt scared and uncertain. I was uprooted and felt all alone and disillusioned.Where was my life headed?

As I gazed out the window, up at the sky, I felt so uncertain about my life and my future. Our entire dream (of starting over and having a new life in L.A) had just been shattered and here we were, having to start all over again. I had to start a new school in a couple of weeks, my final year of highschool, where I didn’t know anybody and I was The New Kid, and in a small town no less where everyone grew up together and has known one another for their entire lives. No easy task. I wondered how I would survive it, and if the guy I loved and hoped to marry loved me( nope…..of course not, and it turned out he was gay,too!) and I wondered about my future as an adult that night as well and I had so much hope, promise and dreams; that I would one day find love, romance, marriage, family, kids, happiness…..but it never did. Sure, I got married and had kids, but I never found love and having kids didn’t turn out to be the fulfilling experience I expected, and I had no idea all the traumas, hurt, struggles, misfortune,tragedies, heartache, etc. that I would have to endure as an adult….if only I knew. My life killed my hope and my dreams.

I was so optimistic then, so hopeful, I had such dreams, such hopes, such promise, I was happy, eager, and excited for the future but now there’s nothing.The innocence and exuberance of youth. There’s nothing left anymore. I have no purpose. I failed  at what I thought was my life’s ambition and purpose. I have nothing left to look forward to anymore. There’s no more hope. The future is gone. The dreams have died. I will always remember that night because it was one of the last times that I saw hope for my future, that I was excited for it, I thought my dreams can come true. It was before I gave up hope. Before life beat me down. Before there was nothing left anymore.Now the hope is gone. The dreams have died. There is no future.

Poor Buddy doesn’t feel well either; for the past couple of days he hasn’t eaten, and he feels warm when I touch him or pick him up, like he has a fever, and he has this gross mucus-y diarrhrea and he’s just sort of laying around and when he does walk he’ll just toddle along slowly, and I hope maybe he just ate something that upset his stomach or something and that it’s nothing serious, and if he dies before me(and he is 11 YRS old so it concerns me although Dachshunds can live to be 17) I would die of a broken heart. He’s the only one who loves me and the only light in my life, my only joy, and if I lose him I’ll have no one and nothing to keep me going, and nothing to live for, and the 10 YR old and 16 YR old taunt me too saying he’s dying!! they’re always trying to break me. Assholes.

I also heard on the news a woman was killed by a hippo while on safari and for me that would be an honour to die that way, and if there is a war between North Korea and USA the ones who will really get massacred will likely be in South Korea, and most of my BFF’s family still lives in South Korea, too, her brother and sister and their families, as well as most of her aunts and uncles….they must be so worried and scared right now….shit…I can’t even imagine….I also had a dream that someone assassinated Trump in order to prevent WWIII, so that he wouldn’t start a war with North Korea and trigger another World War, like killing one person to save millions, sort of like that idea If you could go back in time and kill Hitler and prevent the war and save millions of lives, would you?


Screen Shot 08-05-17 at 06.57 PM This is the 16 YR old in her Zelda cosplay costume that she made entirely herself (except for the wig, which she ordered) for this year’s Fan Expo. She designed and sewed it all herself and even made the elf ears! I think it turned out really well and she did a good job. All the kids and my hubby make their costumes for it and they said that it’s sort of a rule; you have to make your own costume; it’s kind of like “cheating” it you buy one, and that making it is half the fun. She’s the first one to finish, and the 14 YR old’s almost done, with my hubby going to be the last-minute one as usual, likely just putting the last stitch in the morning of the event, as they’re rushing out the door… I still remember the one year the 19 YR old’s wig just arrived in the mail that same morning, just minutes before they were to leave for Toronto. Talk about last minute! They get so excited about Fan Expo; it’s like the highlight of their year, but I don’t see what the big deal is and never got into it. Oh, well. Everyone has different interests.

I also smelled a skunk during the night(I had my window open) and it was soooo bad it woke me up and I’d thought that Buddy had actually done a gross diarrhrea on my bedroom carpet it was so strong, but when I got up I checked and there was nothing there…and then later my mother told me that she smelled skunk last night,too, so it must have been on our front porch or something. Man, it was brutal.

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Finally after over a month our pool water is clear and blue at long last,too! The trick was when we “shock” it 1-2 times a week ( dump liquid chlorine in) instead of just putting the usual 1 jug in we hit it with 4 jugs at a time, and that did it; it just took time. Finally! At last! In church they also had orange roses on the altar and they are another of my fave. flowers along with lilacs and sunflowers, esp. the mini “sweetheart” ones,and I still remember my aunt having them around, which is probably where I first started liking them from, and we have our new priest now as well but he wasn’t at the evening Mass I went to but he was at the morning one the girls went to and he’s young; in his 30’s, but I never got to see him yet, but hopefully soon…. I also had to walk to church again because my hubby was busy. It seems to be the new norm now.

The thought also occurred to me that since I’m such an ugly-looking woman that maybe I would have been better off being a guy, maybe then I would have at least been better looking and made a better-looking guy, esp. with my long face and masculine features, and big build, and I look like a guy in “drag” anyway, and if it weren’t for the fact that I have boobs people would probably think I was a dude. I wonder if I even have some male hormones? It might explain my manly features….shit…. even drag queens looks more feminine and prettier than I ever will.

The You-Know-What.

Screen Shot 08-04-17 at 04.12 PM See the ominous cloud in this photo I took? It was behind our house, in our backyard yesterday afternoon, and it looked to me like it had the potential to become a funnel cloud which would become a you-know-what (I’m not even going to say the word)….so I decided it would be cool to get a photo of it and that it was probably a good idea to go inside, and then when I came in I saw the weather update on my computer about a  tornado watch!   holy shit….so I wasn’t imagining what I thought I might have seen in that cloud,afterall, and we did have heavy rain and it got really dark and windy, but nothing more. Buddy could sense the storm was coming,too, as he was sitting on my lap outside, chilling out and relaxed, and all of a sudden he bolted up and was all agitated and whimpering and I asked him what was wrong and within seconds I heard a boom of thunder.

Midol apparantly also has side-effects of restlessness, insomnia, and agitation as well, and last night I couldn’t get to sleep until 1 am so I only ended up with 5 HRS of sleep and then the thunderstorm woke me up around 3 am, and when I mentioned something-or-other to the 16 YR old( my mother had said to me) that she didn’t like she refused to believe it and sniffed to me that  you’re always high , implying that I just made it up or imagined it, that it didn’t really happen, and she didn’t really say that (even though she really did !) and now her newest “thing” is whenever I go near her is to cringe, plug her nose and back away, saying that I “stink”, even though I bathe daily. She’s just being hurtful and mean. When she went out she also purposely snubbed me by saying goodbye to everyone individually by name except me, purposely leaving me out (and then they wonder why I feel excluded from the family?) and her and the 14 YR old had to plan out a schedule to co-ordinate everyone for activities as well to arrange that everyone can get the same days off and such and it was such a hassle to make sure they gave me a day to go to the “Ex” (CNE) esp. as I don’t get to go out too many places and the Ex is one of the highlights of my YR and I look forward to it every summer!I’m not letting them rip me off!

It really bothers me the way the 16 YR old treats people as well. Yes, she’s mouthy and disrespectful to me, but she’s also cruel and snarky to others, too,! She really is the true definition of a Mean Girl. She’s the stereotypical Popular Girl, The Cheerleader, the one that rules the clique and looks down on everyone else, and bullies the poor merciless minions deemed to be “beneath” her, reminding me of the bullies in Jr. High that tormented me daily. She looks down on those that aren’t pretty, and makes fun of those she considers to be inferior and “less-than” such as ugly people, fat people,un-stylish people, handicapped people,etc.. She thinks she’s better than everyone else and is mean and snotty, and is shallow and thinks looks are everything. That’s not the way  raised her but she’s been influenced by the world, but what I really don’t like is how mean she is. That’s what really concerns me.She’s just mean.         😦

Little Baby Grass.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 01.03 PM See the tiny little blades of grass starting to grow? It’s little baby grass and I think it’s just so cute! It looks nicer in real life though and now it’s getting dry and starting to die with the oppressive heat we’ve been having. The township had torn up some sidewalk, road, and grassy area down the street to repair some water pipes so when the work was done and everything was put “back” they laid down sod and planted grass seed, and now LBG( Little Baby Grass) is starting to grow. It sort of reminds me of little baby hairs growing out of a newborn’s head, or even on your own head after you’ve shaved it down to a buzz-cut, or after you’ve allowed it to grow in longer again after being bald. It just looks so stubbly, so fuzzy, so …. cute….. like little tiny green hairs popping up everywhere.It also reminds me of John The Grasshead, who was a head-shaped Chia-Pet face with grass seeds in it you water and grass sprouts out from it, giving it a spiky haircut look. Our oldest, who was something like 5 or 6 at the time had one and named it John The Grasshead, because, well, you know….the obvious….his hair was made out of grass. I wonder if he even still remembers John The Grasshead?  😀

Speaking of hair, I washed mine and grabbed a towel and dried it…..not knowing that there was still bright red hair dye on it,(from when the 14 YR old dyed her hair the other day) and with my hair being blonde it ended up a pink tinge( I noticed as I glanced in the mirror and I gasped)  which rubbed off from the towel into my hair as I rubbed it dry and then had to wash it 3 more times to get it outAunt Flow also came, 3 days late, and surprised me actually as I’d lost track of it and didn’t even realize that it was due, since 1-2 weeks after I have it I usually bleed for a few days so it always seems like I just had it, and that might also explain why I’ve been so sweaty lately: hormones!

I also noticed that the 14 YR old being in a better mood (I know is because of her new medication) rubs off onto me as well and also puts me into a better mood as well and now that she’s nicer to me, I respond, and it’s like it “bounces” off one another and “feeds” off eachother, so maybe we really still do have that strong connection that we did when she was little and our emotions are more inter-twined than I realized?(Or maybe I’m just happy to finally see her happy) It’s almost as if my mood is a “reflection” of hers; she’s more upbeat and in a better mood now and now I’m feeling it, too, almost as if it’s rubbing off onto me, like it’s contagious! Oh, I sure hope so!!

I don’t agree with the clinic though about therapy being helpful; I don’t see how talking about traumas or the failures of your life are beneficial; to me it just feels like reopening old wounds, rehashing old hurts, reliving old traumas, and remembering how shitty my life is and reminding myself of horrors I’d rather forget; I don’t see how that’s helpful. Speaking of trauma, and perhaps this idea might help someone else, but you know how I got my abuse by a relative to finally stop once I was 12? I lied and told him that I had my period and that I could get pregnant and he believed it…..and that was it! In actual fact it didn’t really come until the next year, when I was  13, but he never knew, and it ended 8 YRS of abuse! It worked!! I still don’t like to think that my first “official” sexual experience was at 4 YRS old either, but rather not until I was 21, with my hubby, as in my mind I was still pure and innocent; it was forced on me, against my will, so it doesn’t count. I was still pure.( and to think my first experience was at age 4 makes me feel like a total slut, even though I was the victim.)

My mother gets mad at Buddy as well just for acting like a dog, even though he isdog, and she also groused that I treat him like he’s a person and when I said, What? Because I treat him with love and kindness? How am I supposed to? then she didn’t say anything. The 10 YR old asked as well about life on other planets and I said I don’t think there is and that if there was it likely would have mentioned it in the Bible ,and he asked why God didn’t put people on other planets too, not just Earth, and I told him, Honestly, He probably regretted making them and once He saw how bad most of them are and all the trouble they cause with their hate,violence, war, crime , murder, etc. He decided one time was enough and had enough and decided “I’m not doing that ever again!”

The funniest thing that I can ever remember saying to my mother when I was younger( although she can probably remember quite alot more if you asked her I’m sure, ha,ha) was would be when I was around 17 or so and she asked me a trivia question What is the female version of ” peacock?”  and I’d never heard of such a thing; I just thought they were all called peacocks! and I must have looked stumped so she prompts me on, Well…what’s the opposite of cock? so then it instantly shot out of my big mouth: CUNT!……wait….it’s called a peaCUNT? and then after she stops dying from laughing she said, “No!!! Hen! Peahen!! Ooooopppps!!!

Buddy displayed a touching show of loyalty and obedience,too: the 22 YR old was taunting him with yogurt-covered raisins, and raisins are toxic to dogs, and he called him over and he was right up  there with him, on the chair, sitting on his lap, waiting for a handout…and he was about to give him one,too….so I loudly commanded him, Buddy! COME! and immediately he jumped down and came over to me and stood next to me and rolled over in submission, passing the “loyalty test”, proving his loyalty and obedience to his human means more to him and is more important to him than even food! As a bonus he was also spared from eating something that would harm him  and as a special treat for his obedience and loyalty I gave him one of his dog marrow “cookies” and praised him, Good boy!! His love for me was so touching and in doing so, my love for him, and his obedience due to that love, possibly saved his life. That’s how it’s like with us and God,too.



The Dancing Hippo.

Screen Shot 08-02-17 at 09.37 AM How adorably cute  is this? It’s a dancing hippo! My mother got it for me at one of those Dollar Stores and it’s solar powered, meaning when you place it in the sun the sun activates it and the head and body start to swing back and forth, making it look like it’s dancing. It’s just the cutest thing! I could just watch it for HRS! I was in her room looking for something and I just happened to spot it on her table and asked her about it and she forgot it was even there so what we think probably happened was that she got it months ago for me for my stocking for Christmas and it likely fell out of the bag or something  and never got put in the stocking, but I still ended up getting it afterall…..just 8 months later, although I’d actually get more use out of it now that’s hot and sunny, unlike in the winter where I’m indoors all the time and we hardly ever have any sun! I posted this photo on my hippo lovers Facebook group as well and everyone loved it,and some people said they have it as well, others asked where to find it, and someone even said they have one but didn’t know what it was , what it did, or how it worked.

As well, the 14 YR old now dyed her hair a brilliant, bright fire-engine red, and this time it finally turned out and it looks really good( I really like it) and it’s really shiny,too, and someone left the garbage out in the middle of the kitchen floor and it had meat in it, so naturally Buddy, being a dog and having little self control, got into it, and then my mother got mad at him for being a dog, and the 22 YR old got a bike a friend gave him as well and I said now he has to get a helmet before he can ride it and my hubby scoffed he doesn’t need one because he’s over 18, and the law is only mandatory for helmets for people under 18,but I think everyone riding a bike should wear a helmet for safety; I still don’t want him possibly cracking his skull open regardless how old he is, and it’s not worth risking in an accident because he doesn’t want to spend 30$ or so on a helmet! You’re never too “old” to be safe and careful.

My hubby’s also notorious for not being able to take eyedrops and it takes several people to hold him down and pry his eyelids open for drops and when I just tilted my head back, opened my eyes and put my own drops in and said to him, See! This is how you do eyedrops! he snarked, Yeah, we all know you know how to take drugs!  and when he asked my mother what delivery I was waiting for she curtly replied, Cannabis…..what else? They’re always making snide remarks like this referring to my medical marijuana I take for my migraines that I have a legal medical prescription for, as just another thing to use against me to criticize me, to make me look “bad”, to use against me, to use to berate me and put me down,and if it wasn’t this then they’d find something else to “twist” around and use to degrade me. This is the kind of shit that I mean, that they do to me all the time, always getting in subtle little “digs” at me, wearing me down, bit by bit, every chance they can, slowly breaking down my defences, until I’m completely torn down and have nothing left anymore, and I passed that stage a long time ago. So now I just do whatever the hell I want because no matter what they’re still going to hassle me anyway, so I just do what’s best for me.

As well, I got heatstroke again yesterday, even when I was sitting in the shade; it was just too hot, with the humidex 36 C again, and we’ve been having thunderstorms pretty much every day for the past few days as well due to the humidity, and  I was excessivly sweaty, just pouring off me, even after I went in, and a headache, and I had to come inside with the A/C but all day I still continued to feel all sweaty and my skin was “sticky” and I felt over-heated, so I don’t know if maybe the A/C’s not working, or it’s just more of my hot-flashes again, or what, but I just feel so sweaty, restless, and awful for the past few days and even medication still didn’t get rid of the headache,either. I’m a hot mess, ha,ha.