He Loves Me.

Screen Shot 06-24-17 at 06.52 PM 001 I know Buddy loves me. Unconditionally. He doesn’t care what I look like. He doesn’t care that I’m ugly. He doesn’t care that I’m fat. He doesn’t care about my Asperger’s, my depression, my bipolar, or my social phobia. He doesn’t care that I’m not smart. He doesn’t care that I fail at everything I do. He doesn’t care that no one else loves me except for him.

He loves me anyway.

He loves me simply because I love him and because I’m kind to him and I take care of him. God’s like that with us,too: He loves us unconditionally,too, just as we are, broken, and imperfect. Sub-standard, below market value, downgraded, second-rate, not desired, failing, losing, struggling, weak, physically flawed, below standards, unwanted, worthless, etc.. Just like the dog, God still loves us despite all that, and not based on how we look on the outside, or how popular we are or aren’t, but based on our being, what we are on the inside, based on our kindness, our hearts, our love. The kind of stuff dogs can sense.

There is no love like the love, devotion,and loyalty of a dog. Buddy is my best friend. He is an angel sent down from Heaven. God knew exactly what I needed when he sent me him.

Love.Companionship. Friendship.

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This is also the 16 and 18 YR olds dressed up all fancy for the 16 YR old’s party. They are both wearing black dresses (as the theme of the party was black and pink Chanel) The 14 YR old also had on a black dress that she made herself but refused any photos and snarled to me when I wanted to see her dress, I don’t want you to see! and quickly scurried away. Seriously, what’s her problem? My hubby also kept forgetting stuff and kept coming back to the house at least 4 times, in his typical fashion.

Shut Up, You!

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 07.08 PM Once again when I was asking the 14 YR old something she huffed, Don’t talk to me!! and that’s just the typical way the kids, my hubby, and my mother all speak to me, with disrespect, contempt, disdain, condescension, belittlement, and scorn. Anything that I have to say isn’t important, doesn’t matter, doesn’t count, isn’t valued, is vetoed, is never considered or factored, and no one ever wants to hear it. I am always being silenced.

Anything I have to say is quickly dismissed, shut down, interrupted, quieted, shot down, vetoed, insulted, mocked, ridiculed, talked over, laughed off, ignored, disregarded, never taken seriously, discouraged, etc. they say they don’t want to hear it, don’t want to listen, don’t care, it isn’t important, it doesn’t matter, they don’t have time, who cares, no one cares, shut up, no one asked you, mind your own business, no one’s talking to you,Who cares what you say, no one cares what you think etc..

I feel so invisible, so insignificant, so small, so devalued, so unwanted, so second-class.Like I’m nothing.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 02.29 PMMy thoughts, opinions, needs, input, etc. is never considered either, even when it comes to big family decisions or problems, such as when the hall got renovated, or for painting( should we or not, what colour to use) no one ever asks me or my opinion or what I think, in fact, they don’t even discuss it with me or even ask me! I’m left out of all important family discussions, financially, life changing, involving the kids, etc. No one ever tells me anything , asks my opinion or input, and I’m always the last to know anything, even about the possibility we might be considering moving sometime in the near future; I have no say in the matter; whether I want to or not is irrelevant, and I don’t get a “vote”, or a say; my voice doesn’t count, and I overheard too the 18 YR old took a train somewhere to visit someone until the weekend too but no one would tell me where or who, even though I am the mother and would just like to know where my child is and who she’s with and I do have the right to know but I’m left out of everything. They’re really pushed me out in so many ways and it’s very hurtful. Eventually I’m just going to give up trying to get back in.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.25 PMAs well, after I had weed, all the furniture was dancing all around the livingroom, and the 16 YR old wants a summer job and she has a job interview at a hair salon next week and in 2 weeks the 22 YR old comes back after being in California for 2 months and next week the pool guys come and open the pool for the season,too, and the 22 YR old and his GF were on a late-night show as well! They were in the audience during a live taping and he got interviewed by the host! I don’t know the name of it though; I don’t watch late night stuff but I know the host was some British guy because I saw a video of  the clip.

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 06.14 PM The 16 YR old also got a cute little hamster for her birthday! She’s always wanted one, for like the past 7 YRS or so but my hubby hates pets and was always refusing but he finally gave in. It’s name is Tug and it lives in her bedroom but we have to make sure she keeps her door shut so Buddy doesn’t go in there and EAT it, esp. since Dachshunds are bred for hunting and he does like to go after the mice and chipmunks.I had a hamster,named Hammy, that looked just like this when I was a kid and I also had mice, guinea pigs and gerbils. My hubby also sold one of our family businesses to his brother and nephew, (the mobile laser tag) but we still have the vending machines and now all 15 of them have all finally been placed.



A Little Help Would Be Nice…..

Screen Shot 06-21-17 at 03.13 PM 001 This is how Buddy looked when he came slinking over to me whimpering that he needed a bit of help: he’d somehow gotten a plastic bag stuck on his head! My guess is that he’d been rooting around in the garbage again and the bag that the chicken burgers was in was just a little too appealing and too tempting to resist and he stuck his head in and then couldn’t get the bag off, so I, in my typical fashion, burst out laughing, snapped a photo just for laughs(always thinking of my blogging readers; you’re welcome), and then helped him out. He was fine though, it was never on tight and had lots of air, but it was the funniest thing ever. That dog really cracks me up. He’s just so funny.

The Thing On My Foot.

Screen Shot 06-08-17 at 11.22 AM I still have the gross thing on my foot, seen here. Now it’s really itchy and starting to scab a bit along the edges which I guess is a good thing as it’s a sign of healing, but it’s also getting more red along the outside,too, so it might be infected, plus it’s also tender and sore(even more so when my shoes rub on it and it hurts when I walk) but I am trying to keep it clean and putting an antibiotic cream on it several times a day, plus keeping it covered and clean and dry with a band-aid. At first I just thought it was peeling from the sun but now I’m not so sure as it’s deeper than just a normal peeling sunburn and it feels different, plus this clear fluid oozes out of it, so I’m not sure what it is; it’s quite the mystery, but I don’t think it’s flesh-eating disease though as that spreads really quickly and I don’t have a fever or anything and the tissue doesn’t look dead…..maybe it was even just a scratch from Buddy’s nails that got infected or something…..who knows…..does anyone reading this have any idea what it might be?

As well, I was talking to the Scottish Lady when I was walking Buddy and she said she’s going to get a dog now,too, as she wants a companion now since her husband died awhile ago and she’s lonely so soon Buddy will have another new little friend on the street, and the 14 and 15 YR olds were making fun of people with dwarfism and Down Syndrome and both they and the 22 YR old always make fun of handicapped people and I told them off for it and asked why they’re always so mean to disabled people and why they don’t like them and the 14 YR old says to me, Why do you like them? and I told her they’re just people and there’s nothing wrong with them and they can’t help how they are to which she snorted, There clearly is something wrong with them! which is very disappointing as that’s not the way I raised them and I don’t like them being mean to people or making fun of people, and the oldest and the 19 YR old in Edmonton said the job situation isn’t good there anymore,either so they’re thinking of maybe going off to Europe at the end of the summer and maybe working on a fishing boat for some adventure. That should be exciting, except that they’d always smell like fish!

Cuba, Part Six.

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At the beach I dragged my lounge chair into the water just at the edge of the shore so I’d feel the waves lapping up against me and also cool off as I lay in the sun! I stayed for 4 HRS. This little black and white striped fish also kept circling around me as well and I saw a school of trout-sized fish swim past me,too! I also walked past some performers congregated behind a building and smelled weed and it made me wish I had some too and I was tempted to offer to buy a doobie off them but I was too shy, and I also discovered that Cuban cigars smell somewhat like weed as well.

I also fantasize of a Cuban romance with a Latin lover, but that’s just not me and I’ll just have to be content with my imagination and fantasizes, and so far all I bought was a fridge magnet with Che Guevara on it from a vendor at the beach, and the Cuban Peso’s as bad as the American Dollar as when I exchanged 100$ at the bank I only got 66 Pesos worth and I use most of it for tipping; my fave. waiter( who goes all the way to the bar to get my cola in the morning), my fave. waitresses, the gardener, the maid…etc..esp. since I remember reading somewhere that the average salary in Cuba is only 20$ a month so if I tip someone 5-10 pesos it would be alot of money to them. I also brought American $$$$ as I heard somewhere that they liked to be tipped in that currency as well as they can get lots of stuff on the black market with it.

I hardly ever even think about home,either, and Buddy’s really the only one I miss(it’s because of them I had to get away!!) and the girls said they took him to a dog festival as well and he was the only Dachshund there and he was a very popular little fellow and he had a great time but came back home exhausted and just flopped out, and I bet that’s what Heaven’s like,too; you’re so happy where you are you don’t think about what you left behind or miss it. I also heard this lyric in a song, It’s ok to be alone, you can make it on your own….and it felt like it was speaking to me….

I have The Shits again,too,and it feels like my poor arse is burning and on fire, so it must either be something in the water or I ate something with cream in it that I wasn’t aware of, or it’s all the mangoes I’m eating, or perhaps the meat in the souvlaki’s undercooked, or something,and they have the best mangoes here I’ve ever had in my life,too; so ripe, juicy,and tasty! YUM!! There’s also a nearby town here called Moron and “moron” in English means idiot or stupid so it made me laugh! I can’t wait to see Buddy again and hold him in my arms again; I really miss my boy!

Cuba, Part Three.

I saw a flamingo today! I also go the beach by 8 am before the crowdsScreen Shot 05-31-17 at 08.43 AM( and so I can get a chair) and before it gets too hot in the day. In the water I was also suddenly hit with The Shits and desperately pleaded, bano! ( there’s an accent thingy over the “n” but I don’t know how to do it on my keyboard) and luckily made it ok! I also have a siesta( nap) during the hottest time of the day, and the kind gardener made me a “flower” out of palm fronds, likely he felt “sorry” for me, a woman all alone, and travelling on my own people probably think I’m this strong, sassy, confident, independent woman,too, when in reality I’m the complete opposite ( except for the sassy part).

I also got really bad blisters in-between my toes( either that, or something in the water bit me….) from my flip-flops and I was hoping the spa here did manicures too but they don’t; just massages, but I do have an appointment with the barber on Saturday to have my hair re-buzzed as even though I did bring my shaver it didn’t fit into the outlets here; ours is for 110 volts and here it’s 220. I e-mailed home as well and they said Buddy’s sad and depressed and really misses me and is just “moping around” but seems better with his back and no longer yelping and I was even worried he was dying( and then I’d have nothing to go back to) but St. Therese sent me roses ( on the reception desk) as a sign of “reassurance” everything will be ok.

A bartender called me a maricon as well( WTF, man?), and I know what that means; it means faggot,and I’m not, but even if I was it’s still not a very nice thing to say, and it made me realize as well what it feels like to be discriminated against and gave me a small example of what black people, gays, etc. experience on a regular basis when being referred to by derogatory terms, and my Spanish is limited but I do know what that means, but I can still communicate as some Cubans do speak Russian, or even French, so I’m still ok either way.It will also seem weird once I’m back home hearing  everyone speak English  after hearing everyone speaking Spanish all the time here! The salt water also took all of the colour out of my hair,too, so when I get back I’ll have to re-dye it again!

I’m Outta Here, Suckers!

Screen Shot 05-21-17 at 06.05 PM I can’t believe that tonight I’ll be in Cuba! My flight should be boarding around 4:20….ha,ha….my fave. time! My hubby says I won’t be coming back, and hopefully that’s true; I wish I didn’t have to come back, that I die peacefully on the beach, in my Happy Place, the last day of the trip, but if I don’t, at least I’ll come back a bit more refreshed and better able to deal with the stress and chaos that awaits me. He also joked I’ll be meeting with terrorists so I replied, No, with revoluntionaires!  It described my room at the resort as a deluxe balcony with terrace as well and said at the spa at the resort I can even bathe in chocolate. Oh, mercy, YES! I am soooooo ready for this!

One of the last things the 10 YR old also said to me was, Shut up you ugly mother, you and your dying dog! and that’s exactly the thing I have to get away from, and why I need a vacation and have to “recharge”. I lost my Mojo and have to get my groove back. In the fantasy book I’m writing in my head the character, after yet another failed suicide attempt, a bereft middle-age woman who is miserably unhappy, goes to a secluded Cuban paradise to find solace and solitude  also ends up finding romance where she meets her soulmate, a noble European, and she goes back with him to Europe ,starting a new life, finding happiness and love at long last, and never looks back….but in reality, in actual life, it’ll play out more like this, and all I’ll really do is spend all week at the beach, being One with the ocean, finding peace and getting away from it all for awhile(,with possibly the most “daring” thing I might do is have actual rum in a pina colada or something) only to return once again when the week is over to my unhappy, unfulfilling, stressful, pathetic life.

See you in a week! Hasta la vista! Adios, amigos!!