He Sent Him.


When I prayed for someone to love me God sent me Buddy, and when He sent him:

He sent someone to love me unconditionally.

He sent me a best friend.

He sent me a great listener.

He sent me the perfect companion.

He sent someone who will never “out-grow” cuddling.

He sent me a reason to get up every morning.

He brought light, joy,and love into my life.

He sent someone to love me when no one else would.

He sent me a friend that is loyal and will never hurt or betray me.

He gave me someone to dote on.

He gave me someone that needed me.

He gave me someone who loves me just as I am and doesn’t care what I look like, how much I weigh,how smart I am,how much money I have, what I’ve achieved, or that I’m crazy.

He sent me an example of pure selfless love.

He ended my loneliness and longing for love and friendship.

He gave life meaning again.

He gives me a reason to keep going each day.

He sent me my soulmate, only in animal form.

He sent someone who “gets” me.

He sent me a friend that will never wake up one day and suddenly decide he doesn’t like me anymore.

He sent someone to keep me company and someone to talk to.

He sent a friend to comfort me.

He sent someone that would return my love and not reject it.

He sent someone to make me smile and laugh.

He sent someone who misses me when I leave and is happy to see me when I return.

He sent me someone who loves me more than they love themselves.

He sent someone to love.

He sent LOVE.

Thank you, God.

A Nice Day.

Screenshot_565 Yesterday was a really nice day. Well, not in the morning, when we had really heavy rain but then around 11 am it all cleared up and the sun came up and it was nice and sunny and warm. It had been cool, windy and rainy for the past few days, dull, yucky fall days, but yesterday was nice and it was warm: 19 C! Of course during the night it then dropped down to 2 C and we had frost and today the high’s only supposed to be 12 C but I enjoyed it when I could and spent as much time outside as I can because I know my outdoors days are numbered.

The girls also went to a Ladies’ Day thing in town at the stores where women get free stuff and discounts and stuff from the vendors and the 23 YR old(who’s a dude) went with them too and decided to try and get the free stuff as well by telling them that he “self-identifies” as a woman and if they refuse he’ll cry “discrimination”. He was originally going to dress in drag too for more effect but decided against it. It actually worked,too, surprisingly; he got free wine, cheese, and other things,and one girl even praised him for being so “brave” for coming “out” as a girl!  😀  He’s shameless and there’s nothing he won’t do for free stuff! I like free stuff,too, but I have some standards and some dignity though.

Screenshot_568 I also saw this on Facebook and I really needed to see it today, so I re-posted it on my profile in case someone else needs to see it too. It’s “funny” how God always seems to have a way of working things out and answering prayer just when you need it and how He works thru other people as well. My friend A’s ( in Ottawa) Chihuahua had her eye removed recently due to inherited glaucoma and yesterday she just had the other eye removed as well so now she’s totally blind, the poor little thing, and she’s still young too, like 3 years old or something like that, but she was already pretty well blind from the glaucoma anyway but it’s still sad but fortunately dogs seem to have a way of adapting well. I also noticed Buddy has a bit of swelling on the top of his right eye; the lump had always been at the bottom before, so maybe the fluid first starts to build up there and then moves downward for his cyst or whatever it is, so just in case I massaged and “milked” it, like you would with a blocked tear duct, to try and drain it, so hopefully it will prevent another big lump from forming again.

Slices Of Life.

Screenshot_482 This is so weird: I must be really losing it: I was looking on my daily calendar I have on my computer and I noticed I’d had noted I’d had something checked off that I’d done on 19 September but then I thought to myself, Well, how can that be possible? It’s not even the 19th yet! That’s not until next week….am I in some sort of time warp, or what? and so I sat there for a few moments trying to comprehend this and I just sat there staring at the calendar and then it finally hit me, Oh, wait a minute….we’re already into the last week of September! The 19 was last week! Generally I don’t know what day it is(Like, What day is today, anyway? Is it Wednesday or Thursday?) but this has taken it to a whole new level. I’m such a space cadet. It was funny as well the 17 YR old had just walked in the door coming back from work and then she went out again(I presume to the corner store or something quick) which I wasn’t aware of…..only to walk right back in the door again less than 10 minutes later and when I asked Who is that? Who are all these people that keep coming thru our door? the 11 YR old said it was her and when I said she’d already came back he cracked, It’s The Second Coming.

My friend A (from Ottawa) his aunt(who is originally from Chile along with the rest of the family but she now lives in Ottawa) also turned 100 years old and the Ambassador of Chile came and visited her and brought her flowers and a commemorative plaque! How cool is that? She lives in a nursing home now and the poor woman’s so frail now she’s in a wheelchair with her head crooked to one side but I still remember her from over some 30 years ago, and she made the BEST turkey stuffing ever! We had Christmas dinner at their house one year and it was amazing. It was sad too how my friend told me how she had a Great Love once but he was killed in the war and after that she stayed a spinster. They always called her Tia, Spanish for Aunty.

Buddy’s lump under his eye also looks bigger again now, leading to me wonder if it might be an allergy or plugged sinus as if it was a tumour of some sort it wouldn’t keep getting bigger and  smaller and then disappearing and then coming back and then getting smaller again and then bigger…..it would just stay there permanantly and keep growing bigger. I’m also trying bit by bit, piece by piece, to try and connect with the person I once was, the Old Me that was happy and knew how to laugh and smile and have fun, sort of like trying to find my Inner Child again in a way, to reconnect with who I was, who I used to be, who I miss and wish I was again in which feels like almost another life, ages ago, before all the traumas, before all the brokenness, before all the damage.

Now the 15 and 17 YR old are playing on my worries, anxieties,and fears as well by saying that the 19 YR old’s BF is a typical arrogant rich boy and that he’s not a nice or a good person and he’s just like all her other friends, implying  good-looking, popular, mean, elitist, looking down on others less attractive or deemed less “worthy”, and bullying, the exact kind I can’t stand, the exact kind that tormented and bullied me in school, the exact way I did NOT raise my kids to be OR to hang out with and they also said that he doesn’t ‘let’  her be with her friends which concerns me and is a red-flag warning to posessive, controlling behaviour and an indication of future abusive behaviour/ domestic violence as they  first isolate the victim.

I’ve only met him briefly, once, when he picked her up, only for a couple of minutes, but my hubby’s spent some time with him so I asked him what his impression was and all he said when I asked if there’s any actual truth to it or if they’re just trying to start drama and to make me worry was He’s, well…..different from us…. and when I asked how, different in what way, he goes, I don’t know….just….different but knowing him that might just mean that he’s cultured, polite,and has manners or something,too, or maybe he’s  just neater, or more ordered or something, less chaotic or messy as compared to us., in a good way…or, maybe the guys’ just normal and doesn’t come from a weird, crazy family like ours and he doesn’t know what to make of it ?Why do they keep doing things like this to me though? Why do they keep saying things they know will cause me panic, distress, worry, sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, and so on? it’s just not right,and it’s cruel, is what it is and I’m just left not ever knowing what’s true and what isn’t and even now the kids are older and away from home with their own lives I don’t stop worrying about them I just can’t do anything about it anymore to try and protect them and keep them safe(other than prayers)…..and that’s what really worries me. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

So now I worry I may(assuming what I’ve been told is even true, that is…) have 2 kids that sell drugs and another in an unhealthy possibly abusive relationship on top of all the other shit in my life and stress. No wonder I have high BP and stomach ulcers!!

Never Doubt Your Faith.

Screenshot_414 Just recently I had what you would describe as a crisis of faith of sorts. It wasn’t that I ever doubted God though or my faith in Him, but rather  doubts within myself and my own reasoning the physical(evidence) was contradicting with the spiritual and I was torn and didn’t know what to believe and then a small, still voice impressed upon my heart: Never doubt your faith. Never doubt, most importantly, your faith in God, but also never doubt your faith in yourself and your abilities, capabilities, strength, resilience, endurance, and worth, and don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.

Screenshot_413 I had been praying for a sign of roses from St. Therese that the lump under Buddy’s eye wasn’t cancer and he wasn’t dying anytime soon and I did keep seeing, everywhere, online, on TV, in ads, outside, in various colours, an obvious sign from St. Therese, even praying hands holding a rose, now that’s pretty obvious, and as about as clear as an answer and reassurance could be….

and yet…..

I was still afraid he had cancer and was dying because despite the answer to my prayer and despite my strong faith, the physical signs worried me greatly and caused me doubt, What if this  time it’s wrong?  What if it really wasn’t St. Therese who sent me the roses as a sign but someone else did, to deceive me? etc. and all kinds of doubts and fears plagued me and I wasn’t sure what to think and what to believe anymore and then I felt so guilty, so weak, that my faith  had been put to the test like that and I was struggling so much,losing, and that my doubts were seemingly stronger than my faith…I needed something concrete  I could hold on to for hope.


As it turned out my prayers were answered and the signs were legit: Buddy’s lump is much smaller and shrinking down now(and he’s feeling better today too and back to eating again) and if it was a tumour it wouldn’t just heal like that on it’s own, not without Divine healing, unless, of course, when I blessed him the other day,laid my hands on him and prayed a healing prayer over him God healed him? Either way, I’m just thankful and I just have to remember to never doubt my faith.

The Same Country.

Screenshot_372 This is the photo the oldest (pictured here, my God, I can’t believe it, but he’s going to be 30 next YR!!) on his balcony with SNOW in the background, from yesterday!! Yup, you read that right: yesterday! In September! Well, it is Canada though, and he( along with the 20 YR old) live in Edmonton, which gets snow really early compared to the rest of the country…..


Screenshot_373 after I finished laughing my ass off I sent him this photo in reply: of me here, still outside suntanning(ha, ha, sucker!), as that’s what the weather’s like here, and has been for the past week, and is supposed to continue to be for the next few days: hot, in the high 20’s or even 30 C range, with the humidex 33 C or so.It’s snowing where he is and scorching hot here. I can’t believe we live in the same country. I’m not sure if it’s Indian Summer or not though; is it too early(does it have to be later in fall?)  and is this just mere still summer lasting longer, and the heat of summer with it, and it has been a really hot, oppressive summer this YR, which means that next summer should be cooler, and this winter should be milder and less snow, because I’ve noticed a pattern; that’s how it seems to go, in a cycle, alternating every other YR.

I also saw Buddy attempting to jump up onto the rocking chair but he missed and I noticed he’d hit the bridge of his big nose (he’s a Dachshund, and they have big long noses) on the wooden chair and sort of “bounced” off backwards and the thought then occurred to me: could the lump under his eye possibly be an injury from that? Maybe he’s done this before (back in July, the last time he had it) hitting his nose resulting in swelling/bruise under his eye, like I had when I had a broken nose and ended up with black eyes…. I blessed him with holy water as well and laid my hands on him and said a healing prayer over him and I think it looks like the lump might actually even be a little smaller today, and after praying to St. Therese (who is known for sending roses as a sign) for reassurance he’s ok and it’s NOT cancer I keep on seeing LOTS of roses in various colours in various locations, and even one online that was a praying hands holding a rose. If that’s not an answer to prayer….I just love him so much I have so much to lose.



Screenshot_284 This is my sole sunflower/ Still no signs of any flower yet. I think it must be broken.Failure to thrive.Just like me. Yet  another failure of mine. I seem to screw up everything I try. Nothing ever just goes right or works out for me or goes the way it’s supposed to. I also thought I might die this week and yet the first week of September has come and gone and I’m still here. Talk about disappointment. I always get my hopes up and then they end up dashed.I feel like God’s almost stringing me along and then nothing.  All of a sudden today my stomach just started to really hurt as well and then felt like I was going to barf. I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m a failure.

As a daughter.

As a wife.

As a mother.

As me.

In life.

Screenshot_283 I don’t usually like to take photos or “Selfies” of myself due to my looks but this one actually didn’t turn out half-bad considering, so here goes. This is a rare photo of me. One of my cousins in Europe her son started university as well(he’s taking accounting) and I had a dream that Ottawa is going to have some sort of attack although I wasn’t sure if it was like some of aerial attack like in war, or whether it was a bombing or other sort of terrorist attack, but it was big. I hope not though. Funny,too: the pool guy was here to close up for the season and at first I didn’t even see him there but I did see Buddy trying to sneak downstairs to the basement( and there’s paint, sharp things, poison things, mouse traps,etc. down there) so I yelled at him, Hey, you can’t go down there! and the pool guy goes, Sorry…… and then I realized he thought I was talking to him and I had to tell him, Oh! Sorry! I didn’t see you. Not you; I was talking to the dog!

Buddy1 Here is a cute, sweet photo I took of Buddy. His sore toe still bothers him and he limps along and his walks are shorter now as he heals and last night in bed he hobbled over to me and snuggled into my arms in the cradling “baby” position he wants to be held in when he’s scared or in pain, which is reclining on his back cradled in my arm like a baby. It makes him feel safe, secure, and comforted.Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable position for me to try to sleep so I wasn’t able to fall asleep until something like 1 am. I also prayed to God asking Him of all of the religions which one has the most truth and is the most pleasing to Him and I felt the answer: The one that shows the most love. So I would take that to mean the one that’s most loving, caring, compassionate, welcoming, forgiving,merciful, inclusive, accepting, non-judgemental, and charitable.


Screenshot_233  I can’t believe it’s Labour Day already, the end of summer! I was also thinking how it’s weird the odd things that we remember from the past, from our childhood, even things that don’t matter much to us in our daily lives or have much impact on us,and one of those things is the Beothuk Indians. I still remember learning about them in grade 7, the now extinct tribe from Newfoundland, and I remember first hearing the word, thinking, Beothuk? Wow…what a cool name! I love it! probably because thuk sounds like  someone with a speech impediment trying to say, F*ck. I also clearly remember in grade 3 when my friend D (who ended up 6 feet tall by the time she was 12 and was not surprisingly on the basketball team in highschool) sat on J’s leg and broke it and she had to hobble along on a walking cast and crutches for weeks, or the matching blue knit ponchos my Babushka made for my doll and I, doodling with markers all over my arms as a kid and getting into alot of trouble for it from my mother,eating the bottom of the pointed ice cream cone first and sucking all the ice cream out that way(my mother hated), crushing tin cans on the bottoms of my feet and clomping along with them on my feet like horsehoes(my mother absolutely loathed) laughing my ass off seeing a pickle stuck to a wall at McDonald’s, digging my toes in the clay in the bottom of the creek at the cottage when I was 4-5, learning to roller skate at the cemetary, etc. it’s just funny the things you remember, so random.

Screenshot_199 Look what I also found at the Ex last week! An Astro Pop! I haven’t seen or had one of these since the 80’s when I was a teen.I used to just be able to buy them at the corner store. I even oddly had a dream about one the night before I found this. I can’t believe I found it! It cost 5$ but what the hell. I deserve a treat every now and then and besides, it’s nostalgic! I enjoyed every lick of it and remembered it sticking to my teeth and savoured every single flavour and even saved it for one of my Weed Days so I could enjoy it even more when my senses are enhanced.

As well, I had that same hallucination again today,too: seeing that same hot guy walk by shirtless, tan, and with abs of steel. It must be a hallucination too as no guy can possibly be that fine, esp. not around here. I finally saw my neighbour L too and she said the fire trucks weren’t for her the other day but rather for next door; they were just parked in front of her place, and she told me her dog(he’s 12 like Buddy) had a dental infection and had all his teeth removed….and it cost a whopping 2000$! Shit! I wonder where she got that kind of $$$$ from or if she even had to take out a loan? I couldn’t even afford that for my own dental care, let alone for a dog, and, in fact, my mother only has a couple of teeth left; they’ve all rotted and fallen out but she doesn’t have a dental plan and doesn’t have the $$$$$ to pay for dental work.Luckily for my hubby, the kids,and I we have coverage from my hubby’s work that covers 80% of the cost, otherwise we’d be S.O.L. too.

Screenshot_241 This is also the new tie-dye skirt I got at the Ex. I keep looking for the past 4 years or so and I finally found it. Tie-dye shirts are easy enough to find but not the skirts or socks.I just love tie-dye. It’s one of my faves. I’m an old hippie! The one fabric and pattern I wouldn’t be caught dead in though is black lace or animal prints; so trashy and tacky! My anxiety’s been really bad lately as well it keeps me up late at night and I can’t sleep( I couldn’t fall asleep last night until Midnight) and my nails are chewed right down to stubs and I also had a feeling I’m going to die this week, the first week of September( unlesss it’s just wishful thinking, ha,ha) and so I asked a prayer to God to send me a specific sign if so: that I see something orange(as it’s not a colour you see too often), and that I see something orange in church yesterday(and my hubby wasn’t here to drive me and with the humidex it was 38 C and I had to walk), not incl. leaves which would be too easy now fall is near…..and I saw 2 guys walking by separately both wearing orange shirts….and then in church I saw another guy wearing an orange shirt and another guy with an orange hat!OK, then….



Screenshot_1109 My hubby always likes to mind-f*ck me, play mind-games with me, play on my fears, worries, anxieties, and psychologically abuse me. He derives some sort of sick, twisted pleasure out of it, out of making me doubt my own mind, out of confusing me, making me squirm, making me worry, question and doubt my sanity, making me trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not, playing on my fears, anxieties and worries, trying to scare me, trying to figure out if something true or just another one of his twisted ideas of a “joke”, whether he’s lying and just setting me up or not or if it’s true, f*cking with my mind, etc. you get the idea. I think it’s just sick, cruel, and twisted, but for some reason he gets great enjoyment from it and thinks it’s “funny” and delights in watching me struggle and fall for it time and time again, trying to figure it out.

This particular time I was saying how even though some of the kids are mentally messed-up(which appears to be genetic) at least none of them ended up in gangs, in rehab, arrested, in trouble with the police, teen moms, etc. so in that way they turned out ok, and then he started planting seeds of doubt in my mind by saying I obviously don’t know what my kids are up to and that the 20 YR old and the oldest who live in Edmonton are now in a gang and when I asked him if he was joking or not( because with him you can never tell, and he also lies all the time too so you never know if he’s serious ,telling the truth, lying, joking, or mind-f*cking with me…. and then he wonders why I don’t trust him or ever believe him ) he wouldn’t say but kept going on and on about how they’re now in this gang and it got me really worried and scared and I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I went to bed worried about it, it playing in my head and on my mind all night, and I prayed a silent desperate mother- heart prayer to God to keep them safe whatever they’re into.

Later I asked one of the kids if they knew anything about them being in any gang and they replied they’re in a “gang” ( more of  a guild, actually) in some online computer game they play. Thank God! I was just so worried! So technically I guess you could say it’s a “gang”, but he knew  what I meant, the context of the conversation, and how he implied it and made it come across and that’s exactly how he wanted me to interpret it , with the sole purpose of upsetting and panicking me. He always does this kind of thing to me, playing mind-games with me, f*cking around with my mind. He’s just a sick, twisted, cruel, demented F*CK and he’s ruined my life. Seriously, what’s wrong with him?

As well, it’s been so hot here and so little rain (only less than 10 mm so far all month and the average should be around 60-70 mm) everyone’s grass is all brown, dry,and hard, and the mass shooting on Danforth in Toronto was very close to my old house and on the street my friend A (from grades 10 and 11) lived,and just 20 minutes away from where my cousins were at the time, visiting from Europe! Holy shit!! They also went on a ferry boat touring the harbour and islands, and saw a live theatre production.They saw the play Wicked. Not my personal preference given the occult nature( witchcraft) but I’d like to go see Phantom of the Opera, Hamilton, and Come From Away but I can’t afford it; tickets are like 200$+ each!When we lived there( and had $$$$) my mother and I used to go and see live theatre all the time.

I also saw the Mamma Mia! sequel film and both my mother and I are so slow she thought 2 different characters that looked alike were the same person and I knew they were separate people but didn’t know it was mother and daughter, that it was showing their parallel lives in different time periods; it was confusing, and then my hubby was making fun of me for it,and for being so dumb, and bragging he could tell  in watching for less than 10 minutes. He always looks for every opportunity to put me down and make me feel badly about myself.Yeah, well, he can kiss my ass; at least  can rhyme, know most capital cities,and I can speak more than one language,too, unlike him, so go f*ck yourself, you arrogant, condescending bastard! I swear to God, meeting him was my biggest regret in life.

The Laugh.

Screenshot_1031 I haven’t had a good laugh for a long, long time, and so long I can’t even remember the last time I laughed so I prayed to God and asked Him to send me something that will really make me laugh and as always He delivered: I was watching the TV news and one of the reporters showed us these photos he’d doctored super-imposing his face on top of other people’s faces, making for funny photos, such as him at the Trump-Putin summit, him with Trump and the Queen, him horseback riding with Giselle Bundchen ,etc. it was really funny and I laughed so hard I laughed out loud, exactly the kind of thing I needed and was looking for. It never fails to amaze me how God cares so much for each and every one of us, that even the smallest,most insignificant things still matter to God if they are important to us and if we ask for them; all we have to do is ask. If it matters to us, it matters to God.

As well, the 11 YR old’s such a genius he’s memorized 35 digits of Pi (all I know is the 3.14) and he’s skipped several grades in school for years now and will be starting grade 9 (that’s highschool!) when school resumes in the fall! The pool guy was back again (he was here 4 hours) as well and seemed to have finally found the main leak: he dug a second hole underground and said that when the other pool guys either opened or closed the pool for the season when they took the “jet” out they punctured the wall and one of the lines somehow, his guess would be with a screwdriver or something trying to force it out, and so he fixed it, costing 350$ which is still way better than 950$.

So now we can run it and add the chemicals…..and hope it clears up and that we get to use it at least for the second-half of summer as we haven’t been able to so far and it’s been so HOT this month I would have been swimming every day! Today, for instance, with the humidity( feels 40 C) we’re under a severe thunderstorm warning, but hopefully at least it will cool it down. Both my mother and hubby say they won’t even be opening the pool next year if we’re still here but they always say that every year….they say it’s a waste of $$$$ just because they don’t swim and they don’t use it and it’s mainly me that does and as we all know anything for me isn’t worth it.

I wonder as well if maybe my pain might be a kidney infection or UTI as even though it started in the abdomen it’s now really bad in the lower back, both sides,and now I also noticed that my pee is really cloudy and foamy, signs of infection, and it has this really strong pungent odour that stinks like cat piss. Every now and then I still get the odd twinge shoot thru my abdomen as well but the worst now is my back.It’s always something; I don’t think I’m ever really pain-free.

Screenshot_1032 Also this because sunflowers make me happy.