Jesus Loves You!

Screen Shot 07-26-17 at 08.14 AM As I was walking Buddy, an old woman I’d never seen before walks by walking her Pug and said to me, Jesus Christ loves you! and I politely replied back, You,too! and she goes, Thank you! and off she goes, and at first I was kind of taken aback and thought it was sort of weird and unexpected, and thought, Uh, ok…. but then it occurred to me, maybe she’s a messenger from God, an answer to my prayer, sending me someone to show me and remind me of God’s love and to remind me that He loves me, esp. when I really needed to hear it the most and it was a powerful spiritual experience and when it hit me I felt almost light-headed and overcome with emotion and felt like I was walking a bit taller. She probably greets everyone like that, but how it came precisely at exactly when I needed it and right after my prayer, it really impacted me. Thanks God, I know that was you.

When I put Buddy out in the backyard to go pee the 14 and 16 YR olds also purposely would distract and scare him so that he wouldn’t go as well, just to annoy me, and when I walked by I heard the 16 YR old snicker gleefully to the second-oldest and the 14 YR old, We broke her! and then they all giggled in satisfaction, as if in mission accomplished. Words can’t even describe how it made me feel at that moment, and I think their words and actions speak for themselves. I just shuffled past and pretended that I didn’t hear it. What do you possibly say to something like that? I can’t take their abuse anymore.

Screen Shot 07-26-17 at 05.22 PM The 14 YR old also lost another pound this week and the clinic even criticized us too for taking her to the ER when she was in crisis saying we can’t rely on the ER, etc. even though that’s where she felt like she needed to be and wanted to be, and her new thing now( that the 16 YR old has also joined her in just to bug me) is she won’t eat any food if I touched it, like I have cooties, am radioactive, infectious, contagious, or unclean or something and it’s offensive, insulting, demeaning,and degrading; like I’m lower caste, like one of the Untouchables or a leper or something; unclean! unclean! Stay away!  and no one will go near you or touch anything you’ve touched, as if you’re inferior and a social outcast. They’re just so mean to me and it really hurts my feelings. The 16 YR old also made this flip comment to me and the second-oldest said to her in an accusing tone(directed at me) Be careful or you’ll end up on the blog! They can all just kiss my ass!

The 14 YR old  also complains saying she hates it when I yell up to her upstairs to come down for her meals, but if I don’t yell how is she possibly going to hear me? She’s supposed to set a timer on her phone to remind her when meal and snack times are only she’s stopped doing that so I have to remind her, and I can’t run up and down stairs or I get out of breath and if I don’t yell how will she hear me up there? If she actually just came down on time for meals and snacks I wouldn’t even have to call her. I just can’t possibly “win” either way, no matter what I do. I had a good cry today,too, and I buried my face into Buddy’s soft warm fur and he nuzzled me back, sensing I was upset and he was consoling me, and maybe I’m not the best at showing affection with my Asperger’s but everything I’ve ever done has always been about protecting the kids and keeping them safe, advocating for what’s best for them,and trying to raise them Godly and comes from a place of love, even if they don’t see it or realize it. I sacrificed so much (incl. emotionally, and mentally) to keep them safe from an enemy that threatened our family( and was one of the worst traumas that affected me and really broke me hard), and even gave up a good portion of our income fighting the system to defend and protect our homeschool and to keep us safely anonymous, I pushed, even threatening legal action, to ensure the 19 YR old was admitted to the psych ward when he was suicidal and the ER was going to release him, and I wouldn’t stop fighting to get the eating disorders clinic to put the struggling 14 YR old on meds despite their repeated objections, because I know she needs it and I fight for her…..I still feel emotion even if I can’t always express it. I want what’s best for them because I care….despite how they treat me.

Our cousin and his family are also on a trip in Spain, but they already live in Europe anyway  so it’s not too far for them and so it’s just the airfare they need as they’re staying at his parents’ winter villa,  and every night I wake up during the night in a coughing fit and I wonder what it is? Could it be sleep apnea maybe? It’s the strangest thing…I have this feeling too my friend F from Ottawa might have died as I keep having dreams about her; several over the past couple of months, and due to the reason why we had to move I wasn’t able to have any contact with her(or anywhere from there) for the past 17 YRS ever since we left, nothing that could trace anyone back to us and find our current location….and now all of a sudden the dreams….I often dream about people who have died, Babushka, for example, where I’m visiting them, and the …..I wonder if it’s true?

 

Avoiding Conflict.

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Even though my family is constantly putting me down, hassling me, mocking me, insulting me, degrading me, etc. I do n’t purposely provoke attack, or incite conflict, and in, fact. I want to avoid it! I try to avoid situations that I know might cause tension or conflict, for example. If I know something will set someone off then I won’t do it or say it. Some things are also just best ignored, such as when I jokingly said about  an elderly lady  the 16 YR old was baking brownies for, I’ve got a special brownie recipe she’ll really like! and she huffed, No one cares about your stupid weed, you drug addict!  ( so now somehow medical marijuana twice a week makes me a drug addict?) As you can see, my family treats me like shit and so what I’ve decided to do is mainly just try to simply avoid the worst offenders, just stay away from them, have as little inter-action with them as possible, don’t talk to them unless you really have to, have as little contact with them as possible, avoiding conflict. I figure if I stay away from the most toxic people, the ones that know what buttons to push, that mistreat me the worst, that hurt me the most, that goad me and provoke me, that demean, degrade and disrespect me, etc… It’ll be better for my emotional health and well-being if I just stay away the most from the ones that treat me the worst!

Hopefully avoidance will prevent alot of conflict, arguing, situations, fighting, yelling, disrespect, cruel names, insults, etc. If I don’t see whoever it is that’s most likely to put me down, call me a name, or devalue me and make me feel worthless or wound my heart  in any way and cause the conflict in the first place, then there will be alot less stress in my life! Speaking of which, my hubby’s still going to be staying in Toronto the entire month even though the 14 YR old’s camp’s only 2 weeks and not 4 weeks afterall like we originally thought because she decided to switch programs and this one was only 2 weeks. So I still get a break from him for most of the month but the thought occurred to me when I wondered why he’s still staying there for 2 more weeks even after her camp’s over and she’s now back home, I wonder if he has a mistress there? I’ve been wondering for awhile, actually, esp. since he started working out exercising every day, and stop drinking Pepsi all of a sudden, like he’s trying to “impress” someone…and he also has to be getting IT from somewhere because he’s not getting it from me; he hasn’t touched me in YRS…it really wouldn’t surprise me….my only thoughts are….I’m just glad I still get those 2 weeks with him gone…

My hubby was also back yesterday yet he still couldn’t take the time to drive me to church for 5 minutes even though it was supposed to storm and I have walked for the past 3 weeks but he was too busy so I walked but luckily God sent a breeze so I wasn’t too hot, and I also saw a sunflower in a garden along the way as I was walking and I saw a man pushing his wife in a wheelchair and he was so gentle with her and talking to her lovingly and it was just so sweet to see and I could only imagine if it were me and I was in a wheelchair my hubby would probably push me down the stairs! The more couples I see showing kindness and love the more I really see how I really am mistreated and abused. 😦

Every time I do or say something deemed “stupid”(which apparantly is alot) the 14 and 16 YR old’s insultingly say about me, She must be on her weed! and they “roll” their eyes and most of the time I don’t even have a clue what I did; what my transgression even was, and my family just makes me feel so worthless, so unlovable so useless, I’m now convinced that no one can love me ( other than my dog) even though I still do crave human connection, and I pray to God He sends me someone to love me, to show me I am worthy, and deserving, of love in one form or another , whether a romance, a friend, or a mentor….someone to come into my life and show me that they love me; that there really is someone out there who loves me and can love me. That I am loveable……to someone.

Dear God…

Screen Shot 06-29-17 at 11.52 AM Dear God, please help me heal from my brokenness that all the trauma, pain, hurt, and abuse in my life has caused me, and esp. for the way my family treats me that makes me feel so inadequate, stupid, inept, unwanted, rejected, unloved, devalued,insignificant, inferior,small, worthless, and useless. It really hurts my heart and crushes my spirit. Please help me to be strong.

Dear God, please help the 14 YR old to recover and heal, but also at the same time to realize that no matter what may have happened to her and no matter what she’s dealing with that it still doesn’t give her the right to be mean and to treat me the way she does, esp. when I’m the one that loves her the most and I’m just trying to help her.

Dear God, I pray that I find happiness and love in life, that it’s never too late.

Dear God, I pray for health, happiness,and safety for my family, and that my kids never settle in life like I did and that they marry for love and have a happier marriage and family life than I did.

Dear God, I ask that my sins be forgiven and that I am worthy of Heaven. I pray that you can be forgiving and that my family will be more patient, understanding,tolerant,and sympathetic with me and my medical issues and limitations and realize that I’m not this horrible person that they seem to think I am and hate; that I’m just broken, just flawed, just human, but I am trying,and that I have good intentions and I mean well, things just don’t work out so well for me.

Dear God, I pray for peace,and for an end to war, terrorism, discrimination, hate, poverty, oppression,and injustice.

Dear God, I pray for healing for those who are sick, those who are suffering from mental illness, addictions, who are dying, for the souls of those who have died, for those who are grieving, for those who have lost children, for those who are lonely, hurting, or struggling in any way. For all those on my prayer list.

Dear God, I pray that my kids come back to you and return to their faith.

Dear God, I pray for the Church, the Pope, for vocations, for recent converts, for lost souls to return to you, for all people of faith, and for people who are searching or lost to find You.

Dear God, I thank you for my blessings,and for always protecting and providing for me, for keeping my family and I safe and warning and guiding us and providing for our needs.

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I also saw this commercial on TV which was a tourism ad for Chicago and it said, Home isn’t always where you’re from, it’s where you fit in. and that’s just sooooo me. In the Caribbean. I’ve never felt at home here. I’ve always felt like the Caribbean is my home and where I belong.

 

God.

Screen Shot 05-17-17 at 08.29 AM My toxic family always makes fun of my religious beliefs, my faith,and my relationship with God, even though it’s the most important thing in my life. It means everything to me, it guides me, defines me, moulds me, shapes me, strengthens me, reassures me, gives me hope, comforts me, heals me, and is the core of my life, of my very being, of myself.  Praying to God is the first thing I do in the morning as soon as I wake up ( after I go pee, that is) and the last thing at night before I go to sleep, as well as various times throughout the day.I’m always chattering away to Him and I can envision Him doing a face-palm and going, Does this one ever shut up? It is what sustains me. God has given me strength beyond my own capacity, and when I’ve been drained completely empty He has given me strength, endurance, resilience,and ability and even hope when I was all out and when I didn’t have any left myself. When I fall down (which is alot!) He always lifts me back up. He’s there for me when no one else is.He has saved me more times than I can count. I know He will never let me down, leave me, or stop loving me, even when everyone else does.

My faith is God is the cornerstone of my life. I base all my moral dilemmas and life decisions upon it. It guides my moral compass. God has always warned, guided, protected, and provided for me. He loves me even when no one else does. He keeps me safe and gives me direction and peace. When I’m drowning He rescues me, when I’m struggling He pulls me back up again and again.  I even listen to God “speak” to me thru the Holy Spirit by “listening” to that still, small “voice” that impresses a thought, urge, image, dream, message, revelation, feeling, vision, or other “nudge”, hint, or sign of what He wants me to do or where to go according to His plan for my life, or as a sign, or an answer to my prayer,solution to a problem, or to give me a sign of hope or confirmation, and in some cases, even advanced warnings..

My family, of course, doesn’t believe any of this and just thinks I’m nuts. Well, we’re all nuts, but that’s besides the point.  I sincerely believe that God communicates to everyone; all they have to do is listen but sadly most people don’t listen, they don’t pay attention, they aren’t in “tune” to it, they’re on a different frequency, or they brush it off, or dismiss it as “coincidence” or a “fluke”, or perhaps as “good luck”, or “being in the right place at the right time” etc. not recognizing or realizing that it’s actually the Hand Of God at work, communicating with them, and guiding and protecting them.Of course, sometimes God also works thru others as well, and Him sending me Buddy when I was lonely and needed a friend was like an angel sent from Heaven. He always knows exactly what we need when we need it.

God wants us to talk with him. He wants to communicate with you. All you have to do is listen and pay attention and see it for what it really is.

Thought for the day:Death isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning.

My Aunt.

Screen Shot 03-26-17 at 08.02 AM I was doing a Google search for some hippo images and for some reason this picture showed up, of decorative antique glass shoes and I got this flashback of a long-forgotten memory and I was instantly transported back to my childhood: it reminded me of my fave. aunt as she had a collection of these exact same things(as well as the cranberry glass collection, which I also collect, among other things) and so many happy childhood memories just came flooding back. It’s amazing how one picture can spark a memory and remind you of so much and bring up such warm feelings.

My mother and I used to visit my aunt and cousins twice a YR when I was younger; during the summer and at Christmas. We lived in Toronto and they lived in North York but when you take transit to get there it was quite a long trip. She was my fave. aunt and I always enjoyed visiting them and I can still clearly remember every single detail of their house. We even lived with them for awhile when my parents first split up.I remember it was her that first introduced me to yogurt, buttermilk and cottage cheese, and who taught me to  rub  cucumber slices on my face, and I have fond memories of climbing the tree in their front yard with my cousin and going to the corner store with her, and of her older sister putting pearly pink nail polish on me and how fascinated I was watching her putting on her make-up( she looked like a model) and the time she took me to the Yorkdale mall near their house and bought me a baton. The last time I saw them I was 13 and we just sort of lost touch, for some unknown reason they just stopped all contact with us, and I never did find out why, and I even sent them letters but never got any reply. I still really miss them and wonder how they’ve been over all the YRS.

As well, I said this prayer to God to let me know if I’m going to die soon to send me a sign: that I’ll hear Stairway To Heaven 3 days in a row, and not only did I hear it 3 days in a row…..I heard it 4 days in a row ( twice on the radio and twice randomly on my iPod) and my mother says because it was 4 days and not 3 that it “cancels” it out, but I take it to mean that it’s extra reassurance affirmingwill die soon, just in case it wasn’t clear the first time, but time will tell, and we’ll see…She also threatened to kick Buddy when he tried to sneak down to the basement and I told her if she kicks him I’ll kick her and then she huffs she’ll kick me back and I told her then I’ll kick her again; she’s not abusing my dog! She goes, “How else do you get him to behave?” and I told her, “You just tell him off; he knows when he’s bad,you don’t kick him!” She’s just so mean!!

I also had this intense dream that I was an angel in Heaven and that I came down to Earth to live a miserable, unhappy life full of challenges, trauma, crisis, trials, and misfortune to test my faith and loyalty to God and my bad luck and struggles aren’t a punishment but ,like the man in the Bible born blind, so that God’s works can be revealed, and I have to prove I can still stay loyal to God and my faith despite a life of adversity and return Home, and that’s why I’ve always been so spiritual, had a strong faith and love of God, fervently prayed for others, and sense of justice, peace,and non-violence, and also why I’ve never had love, gotten too close to anyone for too long, and am distant from my family; I’m not to have strong Earthly connections so I won’t feel like I’m leaving anything behind when I go back Home. It was very insightful and interesting! Wouldn’t it be amazing though it that really was my purpose and meaning in life?

The Voices.

screen-shot-10-03-16-at-06-49-pm The Voices told my friend S ( seen here) to kill himself. He did already attempt last YR by setting himself on fire, which he survived, after much time in the hospital recovering. He has been facing a very hard time lately, from alcohol addiction, a broken marriage( she cheated on him) job loss, and then homelessness. He has been homeless for several months now and the situation just continues on, getting more and more hopeless and defeating each day that passes.

He is now 36 and has turned almost completely grey. It started when he was 14 and moved from Ireland to USA. It was also when his happiness ended and his life started to fall apart. Sound familiar? We have stood by one another and supported eachother thru some very hard and tough times and I continue to pray for him every day. Every Sunday I also offer my Eucharistic prayer for his intentions.I can empathize with what he’s going thru with the depression and suicidal feelings as I have been there myself so I try to encourage and support him. He is a lost and hurting soul.

I have been very worried about him lately, and he has been saying dark and troublesome things about “doing away” with himself and I have urged him to reach out and get help, to go to a shelter, walk into an ER, call his family that’s still in Ireland( perhaps they can even send him a ticket and he can go back home where he was happier?) go to a drop-in centre, go to a food bank, etc. and then when he said that The Voices were telling him to do it I got really worried, esp. since it’s hard when your mind is playing tricks on you,and was then relieved every time since to see that he’s still here, and now, thankfully he’s all of a sudden( I know that was you,God!) found a new hope and says he’s going to work on himself and forget all the other B.S; that it’ll be the start of a “new”  and improved him and hopefully everything else will fall into place with the help of his new caseworker…..I hope so, too. God knows the poor guy really needs a break, and I hope his “luck” changes and his life can turn around and he gets back on his feet again and things start to look up for him. He’s lost everything. “Down and out” describes him perfectly and if anyone has a reason to feel hopelessness and despair, it’s him.

It also got me thinking: we all sort of have “voices”, not the same he has, but similar in a way, a little “voice” in our head that whispers to us that we’re not good enough, or that we’re a failure, or that no one will love us, that we can’t succeed, that we’re not valued or worthy, that we shouldn’t even try, that it won’t work anyway, that it’s a bad idea, that we shouldn’t take a chance, that no one cares, that it won’t matter, etc… beating us down, demoralizing us, discouraging us, and just like him, we should ignore that voice and not listen to it or give in to it.The Voice is not our friend; it is an enemy trying to defeat and destroy us,and every time we hear it we should just tune it out and listen for the Voice of God thru the Holy Spirit.