God.

Screen Shot 05-17-17 at 08.29 AM My toxic family always makes fun of my religious beliefs, my faith,and my relationship with God, even though it’s the most important thing in my life. It means everything to me, it guides me, defines me, moulds me, shapes me, strengthens me, reassures me, gives me hope, comforts me, heals me, and is the core of my life, of my very being, of myself.  Praying to God is the first thing I do in the morning as soon as I wake up ( after I go pee, that is) and the last thing at night before I go to sleep, as well as various times throughout the day.I’m always chattering away to Him and I can envision Him doing a face-palm and going, Does this one ever shut up? It is what sustains me. God has given me strength beyond my own capacity, and when I’ve been drained completely empty He has given me strength, endurance, resilience,and ability and even hope when I was all out and when I didn’t have any left myself. When I fall down (which is alot!) He always lifts me back up. He’s there for me when no one else is.He has saved me more times than I can count. I know He will never let me down, leave me, or stop loving me, even when everyone else does.

My faith is God is the cornerstone of my life. I base all my moral dilemmas and life decisions upon it. It guides my moral compass. God has always warned, guided, protected, and provided for me. He loves me even when no one else does. He keeps me safe and gives me direction and peace. When I’m drowning He rescues me, when I’m struggling He pulls me back up again and again.  I even listen to God “speak” to me thru the Holy Spirit by “listening” to that still, small “voice” that impresses a thought, urge, image, dream, message, revelation, feeling, vision, or other “nudge”, hint, or sign of what He wants me to do or where to go according to His plan for my life, or as a sign, or an answer to my prayer,solution to a problem, or to give me a sign of hope or confirmation, and in some cases, even advanced warnings..

My family, of course, doesn’t believe any of this and just thinks I’m nuts. Well, we’re all nuts, but that’s besides the point.  I sincerely believe that God communicates to everyone; all they have to do is listen but sadly most people don’t listen, they don’t pay attention, they aren’t in “tune” to it, they’re on a different frequency, or they brush it off, or dismiss it as “coincidence” or a “fluke”, or perhaps as “good luck”, or “being in the right place at the right time” etc. not recognizing or realizing that it’s actually the Hand Of God at work, communicating with them, and guiding and protecting them.Of course, sometimes God also works thru others as well, and Him sending me Buddy when I was lonely and needed a friend was like an angel sent from Heaven. He always knows exactly what we need when we need it.

God wants us to talk with him. He wants to communicate with you. All you have to do is listen and pay attention and see it for what it really is.

Thought for the day:Death isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning.

My Aunt.

Screen Shot 03-26-17 at 08.02 AM I was doing a Google search for some hippo images and for some reason this picture showed up, of decorative antique glass shoes and I got this flashback of a long-forgotten memory and I was instantly transported back to my childhood: it reminded me of my fave. aunt as she had a collection of these exact same things(as well as the cranberry glass collection, which I also collect, among other things) and so many happy childhood memories just came flooding back. It’s amazing how one picture can spark a memory and remind you of so much and bring up such warm feelings.

My mother and I used to visit my aunt and cousins twice a YR when I was younger; during the summer and at Christmas. We lived in Toronto and they lived in North York but when you take transit to get there it was quite a long trip. She was my fave. aunt and I always enjoyed visiting them and I can still clearly remember every single detail of their house. We even lived with them for awhile when my parents first split up.I remember it was her that first introduced me to yogurt, buttermilk and cottage cheese, and who taught me to  rub  cucumber slices on my face, and I have fond memories of climbing the tree in their front yard with my cousin and going to the corner store with her, and of her older sister putting pearly pink nail polish on me and how fascinated I was watching her putting on her make-up( she looked like a model) and the time she took me to the Yorkdale mall near their house and bought me a baton. The last time I saw them I was 13 and we just sort of lost touch, for some unknown reason they just stopped all contact with us, and I never did find out why, and I even sent them letters but never got any reply. I still really miss them and wonder how they’ve been over all the YRS.

As well, I said this prayer to God to let me know if I’m going to die soon to send me a sign: that I’ll hear Stairway To Heaven 3 days in a row, and not only did I hear it 3 days in a row…..I heard it 4 days in a row ( twice on the radio and twice randomly on my iPod) and my mother says because it was 4 days and not 3 that it “cancels” it out, but I take it to mean that it’s extra reassurance affirmingwill die soon, just in case it wasn’t clear the first time, but time will tell, and we’ll see…She also threatened to kick Buddy when he tried to sneak down to the basement and I told her if she kicks him I’ll kick her and then she huffs she’ll kick me back and I told her then I’ll kick her again; she’s not abusing my dog! She goes, “How else do you get him to behave?” and I told her, “You just tell him off; he knows when he’s bad,you don’t kick him!” She’s just so mean!!

I also had this intense dream that I was an angel in Heaven and that I came down to Earth to live a miserable, unhappy life full of challenges, trauma, crisis, trials, and misfortune to test my faith and loyalty to God and my bad luck and struggles aren’t a punishment but ,like the man in the Bible born blind, so that God’s works can be revealed, and I have to prove I can still stay loyal to God and my faith despite a life of adversity and return Home, and that’s why I’ve always been so spiritual, had a strong faith and love of God, fervently prayed for others, and sense of justice, peace,and non-violence, and also why I’ve never had love, gotten too close to anyone for too long, and am distant from my family; I’m not to have strong Earthly connections so I won’t feel like I’m leaving anything behind when I go back Home. It was very insightful and interesting! Wouldn’t it be amazing though it that really was my purpose and meaning in life?

The Voices.

screen-shot-10-03-16-at-06-49-pm The Voices told my friend S ( seen here) to kill himself. He did already attempt last YR by setting himself on fire, which he survived, after much time in the hospital recovering. He has been facing a very hard time lately, from alcohol addiction, a broken marriage( she cheated on him) job loss, and then homelessness. He has been homeless for several months now and the situation just continues on, getting more and more hopeless and defeating each day that passes.

He is now 36 and has turned almost completely grey. It started when he was 14 and moved from Ireland to USA. It was also when his happiness ended and his life started to fall apart. Sound familiar? We have stood by one another and supported eachother thru some very hard and tough times and I continue to pray for him every day. Every Sunday I also offer my Eucharistic prayer for his intentions.I can empathize with what he’s going thru with the depression and suicidal feelings as I have been there myself so I try to encourage and support him. He is a lost and hurting soul.

I have been very worried about him lately, and he has been saying dark and troublesome things about “doing away” with himself and I have urged him to reach out and get help, to go to a shelter, walk into an ER, call his family that’s still in Ireland( perhaps they can even send him a ticket and he can go back home where he was happier?) go to a drop-in centre, go to a food bank, etc. and then when he said that The Voices were telling him to do it I got really worried, esp. since it’s hard when your mind is playing tricks on you,and was then relieved every time since to see that he’s still here, and now, thankfully he’s all of a sudden( I know that was you,God!) found a new hope and says he’s going to work on himself and forget all the other B.S; that it’ll be the start of a “new”  and improved him and hopefully everything else will fall into place with the help of his new caseworker…..I hope so, too. God knows the poor guy really needs a break, and I hope his “luck” changes and his life can turn around and he gets back on his feet again and things start to look up for him. He’s lost everything. “Down and out” describes him perfectly and if anyone has a reason to feel hopelessness and despair, it’s him.

It also got me thinking: we all sort of have “voices”, not the same he has, but similar in a way, a little “voice” in our head that whispers to us that we’re not good enough, or that we’re a failure, or that no one will love us, that we can’t succeed, that we’re not valued or worthy, that we shouldn’t even try, that it won’t work anyway, that it’s a bad idea, that we shouldn’t take a chance, that no one cares, that it won’t matter, etc… beating us down, demoralizing us, discouraging us, and just like him, we should ignore that voice and not listen to it or give in to it.The Voice is not our friend; it is an enemy trying to defeat and destroy us,and every time we hear it we should just tune it out and listen for the Voice of God thru the Holy Spirit.

He Did Answer.

screen-shot-08-31-16-at-04-22-pm When I prayed to God in my loneliness to send me someone it was impressed upon my heart, “Don’t discount anyone”, for me to be open, and  then the more I thought about it as I waited and waited for Him to send someone that could love me and for someone for me to love in return the thought occurred to me that He already had; that He did answer my prayer 2 YRS ago, when He sent me Buddy! He loves me unconditionally, is my constant companion, loves me when no one else does, and I love him back, and who says the love has to be from a man, or even from a human for that matter? Love is love, and ours is the purest most unconditional, selfless ,giving love of all. He knew what I needed exactly when I needed it and He sent me Buddy. Given my looks,my weight, my medical issues, my limitations,my lack of intelligence, and even quite possibly my personality, it’s impossible that any guy would ever love me, but Buddy does, and he fills an empty void in my heart and in my life.He heals my heart. God did send someone special to love me.Thank you God. I am thankful and I am blessed.

As well, “Aunt Flow” came 8 days late again, just like last month, so I’m wondering if that might be my new normal as I near menopause, and I woke up in the middle of the night a couple of days ago drenched in sweat too with the front of my shirt soaked with sweat, and the first day of “Aunt Flow”  was hardly anything either (usually it’s heavy)so I was hopeful it was maybe “tapering” off and then will just stop altogether….but then the next day the cramps were so bad I could hardly stand up(they woke me up during the night,too) and even the pain-killer Tramadol didn’t relieve them(it felt like my uterus was being ripped out of my belly) and I was practically hemmoraging(even heavier than usual), soaking thru a tampon every hour; it was bloody awful; I kept feeling like I was going to pass out,(seriously….I’m too old for this shit now) and I wondered at one point if I might even have to go to the hospital but then I decided against it, not wanting to wait in the ER for 6 HRS only to have them say it’s “just a really bad period” and send me home. So I just took a nap and I also had a dream I heard a voice say, “You have cancer.” Great….that’s just great……f*ck.

They Need Prayer!

Screen Shot 08-25-16 at 06.46 PM Please pray for Italy following the devastating earthquake. They need our thoughts, prayers, love, and help. Please pray for those that died, and for the survivors; for the injured, and those that have lost their loved ones and their homes.Jesus said to love thy neighbour and one of the ways we show love is by praying for one another.God hears and answers prayer.

No Words.

Screen Shot 08-19-16 at 03.29 PM Seeing this sad, dazed, wounded Syrian boy in shock sitting in an ambulance after his house was bombed……there are just no words. It is a stark reminder that the relentless war in Syria still rages on and there is such desperate need, for prayer, for refugees, for aid, for peace, for humanitarian aid, for an end to war. Save the children!

If this haunting image doesn’t move you to tears then you have no soul.