Half A Headache.

SunflowerShirtShelfies Yesterday I had half a headache. Well, not really half a headache but rather a full headache but it was oddly only on one half of my head! I don’t ever remember having one like this ever before, where it’s only one one side; I normally have it all over but this one was weird, just on the left side.It wasn’t a migraine or anything; just a headache, but it actually felt like my head had been divided clearly into 2 halves and divided down the middle and sectioned off so that the headache was contained just on the left side and the right side was totally unaffected. It was the weirdest thing and after I took pills it did go away….but then my abdomenal pain was back(and I’m still bleeding a bit,too) so it’s always something. I don’t think I’ve had a pain-free day in I don’t know how long.

I also ordered this custom-made sunflower T-shirt (at the same place I got my hippo shirt for my Christmas gift which has just been shipped out but the mail is still on strike so who knows when it will show up…) for my birthday gift from my hubby. My hubby also went to a meeting at church to register the 11 YR old for Confirmation. I’d filled everything out and he just had to drop it off but he didn’t want to and told me to walk up there instead  and do it even though it was at 7 pm and I don’t feel safe walking alone in the dark and we don’t let the girls walk home alone in the dark(coming home from work, for example) and either he picks them up or the 24 YR old walks up and meets them so why is it any different for me? I still don’t want to get raped or killed either.It’s just not safe for a woman or girl to be out alone at night once it’s dark. I guess he doesn’t care if anything happens to me. 😦

NOTE: I originally had more posted here, a couple of more paragraphs, but I just noticed now they have been deleted,STUFF IS NOW MISSING and when I checked my stats it said it was edited at 1 am and it wasn’t by me.. Some asshole in my shitty family has been monitoring,censoring, and editing and deleting my blog. f*ck you ASSHOLES! No wonder I hate you.If you keep trying to censor me I will just keep putting it back up.You will not silence me.If you don’t want me to post shitty things you do then maybe you should stop doing so many shitty things!!

Here is the missing part:

As well, one of the kids told me that the 19 YR old's BF is posessive and controlling, which are red flags for abuse, incl. warning for predictable future physical abuse: apparantly he isolates her from family and friends, that he's the real reason she didn't come up for Thanksgiving and isn't coming for Christmas, and he won't "let" her be friends with guys, only girls, and even then only 2 at a time and only people that he pre-approves, and every day he goes thru her phone and text messages and "screens"  and monitors them,etc.... I don't know if any of this is actually even true or not; it's just what I've been told,but it's concerning, and all the kids have been caught lying, making shit up, telling stories, causing drama, and telling tall tales, and getting eachother into trouble, so I don't know <em>what</em> to believe anymore,and when I asked the others they said it's <em>not</em> true, and I hope it's not, but if there is any truth to it, it really worries me as it's <strong>NOT</strong> a healthy or safe relationship. I don't know why she'd put up with this kind of crap though, and she's a pretty girl and would have her pick of any guy she'd want and wouldn't have to settle for anything less, so it doesn't make any sense, but it worries me...what if it really is true?... why do they always put me thru so much stress and worry all the time?

I’m Back!

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For the past couple of months I’ve let my natural shit brown and grey hair grow back in after I went back to my Buzz-cut at the end of the summer (I’d had it dyed platinum blonde before) giving me a bit of break(and expense!) for awhile from having to dye my hair every 3 weeks(because it’s so short and the colour gets cut off quickly) but then I got tired of all the grey and how old it made me look and feel so  today I dyed it back to blonde again, as seen here, and now I feel like my old self again(almost) and as the process was complete and I dried my hair with the towel and removed it to see the final end result I looked at myself in the mirror and announced, I’m back! I’m still ugly and I always will be but at least I don’t look as old now without the grey!

I also often have these nightmares that I can’t find Buddy, which I think is my fear of losing him because I just love him so much and he means so much to me; he’s my entire world, and last night I had another dream he was paralyzed in his hind legs and was also blind and when I was looking all over for him,calling for him and couldn’t find him a voice called out to me, He knows The End is near and he wants to go off by himself and it scared me so much that I woke up out of my sleep in a panic covered in sweat and panting in fear and actually calling him out loud in real life and much relieved to wake up and realize it was only a dream and he was curled up sleeping safely under the covers beside me. I cuddled him close and told him that no matter what may come in his old age ( he turns 13 in February) I will walk beside him thru his journey and I will never leave him, and I will be there for him right up to the end and will never abandon him, although I still hope he outlives me as he’s my everything; my only love, joy,and happiness in life,and I don’t even want to live in a world without him in it.

I can’t believe either today’s exactly 2 months until Christmas and I still haven’t even accepted the fact yet that summer is over and I’m still working on trying to accept that it’s fall and am only getting there in small steps, bit by bit; I don’t even want to think about winter yet, and it’s so cold now when I go out walking Buddy there I am out there wearing my wool sweater and hat and I saw the mail carrier wearing shorts and it was 5 C but felt like 1 C and I could have sworn I even saw a snow flurry! The 17 YR old also snickered cruelly to me, All you do is lay on the couch and get fat; I’m surprised you’re not an alcoholic,too! which was uncalled for, very hurtful and mean and she seems to forget that I spent more than half my life raising and homeschooling my large brood of kids, over 25 years (although the girls and my hubby sneer I don’t work and don’t have a job because I don’t get paid, devaluing my vocation) which is no easy task and is lots of work, and now I’m older and my health is poor and I have lots of medical issues, not to mention my brokenness from trauma and beaten down from life and now I have to slow down take it easy and rest.

I’m not young anymore and no longer have the health or stamina that I used to or the abilities that I once did and it would nice for them to have a little understanding, compassion and kindness instead of insults and ridicule,and it’s hard enough raising kids as it is, but my depression, Asperger’s and bipolar makes the challenging job of parenting even more difficult (I get it that having a bipolar and autistic mother can’t be easy but it’s not easy for me,either, having to live that way,and with it, or trying to raise a family with it, but I tried my best,and I didn’t even knowhad it until after I already had the kids, otherwise I never would have)and a little support would be nice. My family sucks.Then they wonder WHY I want to run away from home.

When I Die.

Screenshot_470 Today my lower back pain and abdomenal pain are both really bad. Maybe I really do have cancer ( ovarian? cervival?  colon? rectal?) or something afterall? I also felt a POP! in my lower abdomen just before the pain came back and now it feels really crampy and colicky, sort of like early labour and also the closest way to describe the feeling would be like it feels a cement truck keeps pouring liquid cement into my pelvic area and it feels like it keeps expanding and expanding and I feel like I’m going to explode! My abdomen’s also really bloated and I look prego. I wonder if it might also be my ovarian cyst getting bigger, or perhaps maybe even my IBS, inflamed pouches in my colon acting up again, something rupturing maybe, an aneurysm about to burst, or a hernia, perhaps? All I know is I feel like I’m fading away and it feels like there’s something inside me sucking the LIFE out of me, and at times it also literally feels like a suction, like my insides are being sucked down and out of my body from the bottom end, and so it got me thinking…..

If I’m told I’m terminal, what are the last things I want to do?

  1. 1.Spend as much time as I can with My Boy. Buddy and I are like 2 separate halves and when we’re together it makes a whole, and complete one and if either half is missing  the other half is incomplete and can no longer survive. I want to cover him in snuggles, kisses, and love as long as I can before I die. I just love him so much and I want to spend as much time with him as I can and let him know how much I love him and that I’ll love him forever and never forget him and how grateful I am he was in my life and brought me joy,companionship, and love.

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2. Get sunflowers. Even if they’re not in season. Even if it’s in winter, for example. I’ll even splurge and go to the florist, or order online, or buy them at the hospital gift shop or somewhere else more expensive than Wal-Mart  or the grocery store where I usually get them. They make me happy. I also want them for my funeral.

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3. I want to go to the zoo in Toronto and see the hippo. I love hippos and want to see one again before I die. It’s likely even the same hippo that I probably saw at the zoo many times before as a kid and teen when I lived there. (I mean I lived in Toronto, not at the zoo, ha,ha)

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4. Go to Jamaica. I want to go on one last trip, one last vacation, one last getaway. I’ve already been to most of the islands in the Caribbean but not Jamaica and it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go to. Plus I also want to go to the Bob Marley Museum. If I needed surgery though I would go on my trip first, in case I don’t make it, or I’m too sick or hurt ing afterwards to go, or I decline too quickly afterwards.Maybe I’ll even get lucky and I’ll die there, in my fave. spot, my Happy Place, on a tropical beach by the ocean in the Caribbean, listening to Reggae, with the sun shining on my face…

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5. Smoke a big-ass monster joint. I want to get so ripped I can’t even stand up anymore. I want to smoke my face off.

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6. Eat truffles. The really good kind, the delectable kind, the kind that melt in your mouth and make your toes curl and your eyes roll all the way to the back of your head. The decadent kind. the expensive kind. A whole bunch of them, and eat them all at once, and 

because why the helll not; I’m dying anyway!!

 

That’s basically it, I’ve already done everything I’ve wanted to do and been everywhere I wanted to go so I’m ready. I also have been feeling very “ethereral” the past couple of days too so maybe it really won’t be too long now until I die then? I sure hope, and preferably before winter,too as I really don’t want to have to suffer thru another winter. The 23 YR old also told me he got in trouble(apparantly he “didn’t know” it was supposed to be a “secret” and that I “wasn’t supposed to know”) with the oldest for telling me that he and the 20 YR old “take and sell drugs” as he, the girls,and my hubby are always telling me that to upset and worry me and keep me up nights, although I’m really not even sure if it’s even true or not or if they’re just mind-f*cking me again like they always do and playing on my anxieties, worries, fears, and toying with my sensitive Mother-Heart that never stops worrying, fretting, and praying about my kids no matter how old they are, and I still want them to be happy,healthy, and safe.

 

The Mystery Note.

GreatMom When I sat down to my computer in the morning I saw this wonderful note waiting for me, as seen here. I have no idea where it came from or who sent it but it was obviously one of the kids. When I saw it my heart was filled with joy and just soared. My first thought was Maybe one of the kids really does actually love me,afterall? and Maybe I’m not really so bad like I think and my family makes me feel? and then, of course, I wonder who sent it….but then my wariness and suspicion creeped in and took over; I’ve been “conditioned” by my toxic family’s abuse to wonder if maybe it was actually sarcasm, some sort of cruel, sick joke and not really sincere. That, or perhaps some sort of experiment so they’d see what I’d do and how I’d react….

I’d like to think that it’s real; that it’s sincere, that someone really does love me,and that one of the kids broke rank and realized how badly my family treats me and knows how much I really needed to hear that, how much it means to me, how it warms my heart and touches my soul, how it brought me to tears, lifted me up, and really made my day. It’s also a step closer to healing and gives me hope. Then I was trying to figure out who sent it. At first I thought probably either the oldest or the 18 YR old since of all the kids they’re the ones that are nicer to me and less mean but then I noticed it had been posted there from sticky notes, from my own computer, so it was done by someone in this house; it came from here, so it has to be someone that lives here, so that just leaves 4 kids still living at home and the most likely would be the 23 YR old since he’s (usually) the one of the kids still at home that’s nicest to me….plus, he’s the one known for going on my computer…

I figured there’s no way it would be the 10 YR old or the 16 YR old since they’re the ones that treat me the worst of the kids still at home(along with the 21 YR old and the second-oldest that have moved out they treat me the worst too) and not likely it would be the 14 YR old as I feared I’ve “lost” her forever, but if it secretly was her it would be extra special. I’m grateful and happy for it whoever sent it, but coming from her would be extra special since it feels like I’ve lost her even though I’ve never stopped loving her; I always have and I always will, and I always hold out hope that she’ll come “back” to me someday, that she’s not “gone” for good. It’s a real mystery though but it was nice to see, a nice surprise, much appreciated and much needed. ♥  A big thank-you to whoever sent it.

The Finger.

Screen Shot 01-09-18 at 06.01 PM 001 While I was cutting an English muffin in half with the “saw” knife I also accidently sliced my finger. It wasn’t a big cut but it was deep and it really bled, and it opened up and you could see the layers of “meat” inside. It also took forever to stop bleeding, 45 minutes to be exact because I timed it. I thought it would never stop. I really thought I’d have to go to the hospital and get stitches and whatever else they do to make the bleeding stop but I just kept applying pressure to it(even though initially the more pressure I applied the more blood squirted out) and even putting that “stick” on that you wet and that stings like a bitch but stops bleeding still didn’t even work….holy shit, then I was starting to panic,this really isn’t how I wanted to spend my morning and certainly not sitting for hours in the ER, but eventually it finally did stop bleeding and I just glued it together. It didn’t even hurt at the beginning when I first did it, though; I noticed the blood first, and now it’s throbbing and stings. Of course it’s my index finger too, and do you know how hard it is to try and function everyday daily tasks without the use of your index finger? Even typing and scrolling down with the computer mouse is affected and takes at least twice as long…..aaarrrggghhh!

I also bought a new cannabis oil  and the brand is from none other than Snoop Dogg himself! If anyone knows a thing or two about good quality weed it would be this guy so I trust in good faith that it’s a good-quality product. The 23 YR old told me too that Snoop Dogg at a concert smoking a doobie lit it up, inhaled it all, in it’s entirety in one puff, and held it in for over a minute before exhaling this huge plume of smoke….now that’s impressive, esp. considering it takes me some 7-8 or so “drags” to consume an entire joint….that man is my hero! 😀  My hubby and the 14 and 16 YR olds also ask in disgust why I “talk so much” about my weed and not about my other medications but the truth is, the weed is funnier and a hell of alot more, well, interesting, let’s say, and has more interesting side-effects than my other meds do, and besides, what’s so funny and cool about depression pills or pills for high BP or stomach ulcers,anyway?

They still haven’t plowed the sidewalks out from all the snow yet either so Buddy has to go out in the path in the backyard I shovelled him to pee but as he went out half-way onto the porch(before even stepping down the stairs onto the yard) he heard that hawk back again, wailing above ,and I heard it too, and he just stood there and froze and gave me a look, as if he was thinking, NO f*cking way in Hell, man! I’m not going out here with that thing out there! and he abruptly turned around and quickly ran back inside without ever even going pee….and then the smart dog ran over to the front door  and stood there looking up at me, telling me to take him out the front, which I did. Now, is that smart, or what?

I heard on the news as well about a fatal fire and 3 kids died but both parents made it out ok and this always gets me really mad: what kind of parent leaves their kids behind? You rescue the kids first and only then do you get out yourself, and you take them with you, you’re the last one out, not the first,and if they’re trapped and you can’t get them out, then you stay behind with them but you don’t leave your kids behind and with our fire my mother and I were the last ones out ( my hubby was away at a friend’s at the time) and we only escaped once we made sure that all 6 kids(at the time) were safely out first. I don’t know how they could live with themselves otherwise, leaving their own kids behind to die like that, hearing them screaming for help until the screams eventually stop….that’s just beyond comprehension…

2 For 1.

Screen Shot 11-18-17 at 05.17 PM Both my hubby and the 10 YR old went to the ER. It was a 2 for 1 kind of thing. After seemingly feeling better and starting to recover from their virus they both started to feel worse again, so there’s always the concern of a secondary infection following the virus, such as Strep or a lung infection, plus the 10 YR old had abdomenal pain as well that kept waking him up during the night and I was worried it could be his appendix so it’s better to go get checked (and have it be nothing) and be sure ( than to not and have it be something serious).  There was also this fear that maybe, just maybe, he had leukemia like the 19 YR old did when he was 7 and it brought back frightening flashbacks of that time we first brought him to the ER; how we just thought he had the Flu and we’d be right back home soon, how everyone had recovered from the virus except him, but it turned out to be leukemia. It was a nightmare. I can’t imagine him having to go thru what the 19 YR old did, or us as a family having to live thru that trauma again. I can’t even go there. I can’t even think about it.I got PTSD from it last time. Let’s just say I was so sick with fear, stress,and worry I could barely even function, esp. someone like me who has an anxiety disorder to begin with. I was just a wreck, and I could feel the adrenaline coursing thru my body and my hands were cold with fear, I was shaking, my stomach was sick, and I was just numb with panic and fear.

Luckily they think he just pulled a muscle in his abdomen from all his coughing although they didn’t take an X-ray or do any blood work but they did check his oxygen stats and listen to his heart and lungs and take his temp. and he doesn’t have a fever. My hubby did get an X-ray and his lungs are clear; just a bad cough that could take 6 weeks to resolve. What a relief! I also realized that all of the kids have been to the ER at least once in their lives now. Talk about alot of stress and worry!Life with kids is not easy, esp. for us with so many medical issues, traumas, crisis, tragedies, and misfortunes. I was also woken up at 3 am by the skunk-ish stench of a gross diarrhrea in my room that Buddy did on my carpet and I don’t know if he was whining or not to be let out as I was asleep!

I also looked out the kitchen window at the back and saw a cat trying to catch a chipmunk and they were running around all over the pool cover and the chipmunk kept escaping and I was hoping he’d get away but he didn’t; in the end the cat caught him and walked away victorious holding it by the tail, dangling from it’s mouth. Sometimes the cat wins. Just like in life. I’d like to get 2 new tattoos as well: a butterfly on my wrist to signify support for the 14 YR old with her eating disorder, and a Dachshund on the left side of my chest where my heart is for Buddy.

I saw on the news as well something awesome that I need in my life( except for the fact that it costs 230$!) : a weed Advent calendar! Every day during Advent ( the countdown until Christmas) you open a little window marked with the day on it and there’s a weed goodie of some sort behind it; an edible or something, for each day. We just have the regular Advent calendars that have chocolates behind the little windows, which is good, but weed? now that’s an Advent calendar I could really get excited about and look forward to every day!

Original Due Date.

Screen Shot 10-11-17 at 08.08 AM Today was the original due date for my first child 28 years ago. October 12…..only labour didn’t begin until 3 days later, on the 15th and he wasn’t born until 4 days later, on the 16th. I’ll never forget that day though; October 12th. It’ll always be imprinted in my memory forever, like a brain tattoo, forever etched on my mind, a day I eagerly anticipated and looked excitely ahead to for 9 months,and then a day that came and went….and as each day,each hour passed, I would get increasingly nervous, When it is going to happen? Is this baby ever going to come out? It seemed to last forever and I was just so eager to meet him and, to tell you the truth, at that point at the end of the pregnancy, just so desperate to get him out (I would have taken him out myself with salad tongs if I could!) I was trying everything from drinking castor oil, going for a bumpy car ride, to having sex….what’s taking this kid so long,anyway? I’m so done being pregnant….

…..but then one day, on the early morning of the 15th, around 5 am, my first contraction begun,and I was on my way at long last,and at 4 :47 the next morning, on the 16 th I became a mother for the first time,and against the odds he survived! Even though he was my first baby, our experiment,and we had no idea what we were doing and we were just “winging” it and just learned as we went along he survived and grew and came it thru it relatively unscathed(and he’s one of our more normal ones, or at least I think he is…) and now he’ll be 28 years old next week, but I’ll never forget October 12th. It was when he was originally supposed to be born.

As well, I saw this survey online how much $$$$ did you get for allowance as a kid and it reminded me: I used to get 20$ a week allowance yet now as an adult I’m put on a limit of 20$ a month “allowance” and this includes all my personal needs too such as shampoo, hair dye, tampons, deoderant, etc. whereas when I was a kid and a teen those were not incl. in my allowance; I didn’t have to pay for them, my allowance was just my extra spending $$$ but now I have to get all my needs out of it which is next to impossible and I realized that I had more money as a kid and teen than I do now. I’d also thought the diarrhrea was gone since the polyp was removed from my colon but now it’s back again, along with more bright red bleeding along with it, so maybe I do have colon cancer, afterall, then? I should get the biopsy results later next week….

I also had the recurring dream I often do of my last day of highschool and how free I felt, and how I just ran down the halls yelling, Freedom! I’m free! I never have to come back to this place ever again! what a feeling of pure freedom I felt, like I could fly,and it makes me think that’s probably how I’ll feel when I die,too; free; freedom from this life, free from this toxic environment, freedom from this toxic family, free from this physical body, free to soar, free to fly, free from anxiety, sadness, worry, fear, hurt, pain, rejection, free from depression, bi-polar, Asperger’s, free from self-loathing and self-hatred, free from being me,  just free….

My First Child.

Screen Shot 08-13-17 at 08.27 AM  I can’t believe that my oldest will be 28 in 2 more months.That’s older than me when he was born. I was 22, just 3 months away from turning 23. Here he is around age 14. It was a special experience raising him, partly because he was my first child so everything was new and it was a new and exciting adventure and also because he was such a good baby and a good little kid and so smart and so easy, so it was a joy raising him. I really enjoyed raising him and it was fun. I’m so lucky,and so glad, that he was my first. Others that followed some have been really difficult; difficult to feed, criers, screamers, fussy, defiant, destructive,colicky, …..but not him, even as a baby he would eat well, quickly, and with gusto, and go back to sleep and wake up right on time for his next feeding, and I’m lucky that the first one was one of the easy ones. God knew what He was doing.

I still remember the surprise when the pregnancy test stick turned blue, and back then you had to do a series of 3 steps and wait 30 minutes for the result to show up so it was really nerve-wracking.The first time I tried though it came up negative, so it must have been too early. I was surprised, It actually worked! We made a baby! I have a little human being inside me! I just couldn’t believe it! Working with God we created life! Then when I felt and saw him moving around inside me it was just magical, and when I left the hospital after his birth (back then I had to stay in 3 days) I remember thinking, I can’t believe I actually get to take him home with me! and I was full of so much excitement for this new adventure, and he didn’t disappoint.

Every milestone with him was special because he was my first and I was learning as I went along but he made it so fun and so easy that even the rigorous demands of a newborn( the constant feedings, getting up during the night, being sleep deprived and exhausted,etc..) were enjoyable because he was just so good and such a delight and it was such a wonder watching him grow and develop. It was a blessing and a gift that I got to raise him and it was such an amazing experience. He turned out ok too so I guess I must have done something right. He was sort of like our “experiment” being the first, but luckily he came thru it unscathed. I really enjoyed raising him.

As well, my mother and the 22 YR old went to a local  rib fest and they only had 5 vendors, not like in Toronto where they have lots, but I didn’t go as I can’t walk that far and my hubby was too busy to drive, and it was really redneck anyway; they also had beer, cornbread and beans and had a mechanical bull! Buddy seems better now too; he’s eating again and more lively, so maybe he just had a virus or an  upset stomach or something, and my hubby said he could drive me to church yesterday too but he didn’t, so I had to walk and then I saw him drive right by me as I was walking…..and he never even stopped to pick me up along the way and I was soooo pissed off and he never even picked me up after,either,and I felt dizzy and faint all day…..and it was a special Mass as well with the Archbishop ( the same one who Confirmed me all those years ago; he’s been there for decades) and 10 priests, incl. the one who was here when we first moved here….and  the Grumpy Old Fart,too! It was really beautiful and inspirational, the kind of thing that gives me goosebumps.

Jesus Loves You!

Screen Shot 07-26-17 at 08.14 AM As I was walking Buddy, an old woman I’d never seen before walks by walking her Pug and said to me, Jesus Christ loves you! and I politely replied back, You,too! and she goes, Thank you! and off she goes, and at first I was kind of taken aback and thought it was sort of weird and unexpected, and thought, Uh, ok…. but then it occurred to me, maybe she’s a messenger from God, an answer to my prayer, sending me someone to show me and remind me of God’s love and to remind me that He loves me, esp. when I really needed to hear it the most and it was a powerful spiritual experience and when it hit me I felt almost light-headed and overcome with emotion and felt like I was walking a bit taller. She probably greets everyone like that, but how it came precisely at exactly when I needed it and right after my prayer, it really impacted me. Thanks God, I know that was you.

When I put Buddy out in the backyard to go pee the 14 and 16 YR olds also purposely would distract and scare him so that he wouldn’t go as well, just to annoy me, and when I walked by I heard the 16 YR old snicker gleefully to the second-oldest and the 14 YR old, We broke her! and then they all giggled in satisfaction, as if in mission accomplished. Words can’t even describe how it made me feel at that moment, and I think their words and actions speak for themselves. I just shuffled past and pretended that I didn’t hear it. What do you possibly say to something like that? I can’t take their abuse anymore.

Screen Shot 07-26-17 at 05.22 PM The 14 YR old also lost another pound this week and the clinic even criticized us too for taking her to the ER when she was in crisis saying we can’t rely on the ER, etc. even though that’s where she felt like she needed to be and wanted to be, and her new thing now( that the 16 YR old has also joined her in just to bug me) is she won’t eat any food if I touched it, like I have cooties, am radioactive, infectious, contagious, or unclean or something and it’s offensive, insulting, demeaning,and degrading; like I’m lower caste, like one of the Untouchables or a leper or something; unclean! unclean! Stay away!  and no one will go near you or touch anything you’ve touched, as if you’re inferior and a social outcast. They’re just so mean to me and it really hurts my feelings. The 16 YR old also made this flip comment to me and the second-oldest said to her in an accusing tone(directed at me) Be careful or you’ll end up on the blog! They can all just kiss my ass!

The 14 YR old  also complains saying she hates it when I yell up to her upstairs to come down for her meals, but if I don’t yell how is she possibly going to hear me? She’s supposed to set a timer on her phone to remind her when meal and snack times are only she’s stopped doing that so I have to remind her, and I can’t run up and down stairs or I get out of breath and if I don’t yell how will she hear me up there? If she actually just came down on time for meals and snacks I wouldn’t even have to call her. I just can’t possibly “win” either way, no matter what I do. I had a good cry today,too, and I buried my face into Buddy’s soft warm fur and he nuzzled me back, sensing I was upset and he was consoling me, and maybe I’m not the best at showing affection with my Asperger’s but everything I’ve ever done has always been about protecting the kids and keeping them safe, advocating for what’s best for them,and trying to raise them Godly and comes from a place of love, even if they don’t see it or realize it. I sacrificed so much (incl. emotionally, and mentally) to keep them safe from an enemy that threatened our family( and was one of the worst traumas that affected me and really broke me hard), and even gave up a good portion of our income fighting the system to defend and protect our homeschool and to keep us safely anonymous, I pushed, even threatening legal action, to ensure the 19 YR old was admitted to the psych ward when he was suicidal and the ER was going to release him, and I wouldn’t stop fighting to get the eating disorders clinic to put the struggling 14 YR old on meds despite their repeated objections, because I know she needs it and I fight for her…..I still feel emotion even if I can’t always express it. I want what’s best for them because I care….despite how they treat me.

Our cousin and his family are also on a trip in Spain, but they already live in Europe anyway  so it’s not too far for them and so it’s just the airfare they need as they’re staying at his parents’ winter villa,  and every night I wake up during the night in a coughing fit and I wonder what it is? Could it be sleep apnea maybe? It’s the strangest thing…I have this feeling too my friend F from Ottawa might have died as I keep having dreams about her; several over the past couple of months, and due to the reason why we had to move I wasn’t able to have any contact with her(or anywhere from there) for the past 17 YRS ever since we left, nothing that could trace anyone back to us and find our current location….and now all of a sudden the dreams….I often dream about people who have died, Babushka, for example, where I’m visiting them, and the …..I wonder if it’s true?

 

Shit-Storm.

Screen Shot 07-10-17 at 02.18 PM The 14 YR old went to her eating disorders clinic app’t yesterday and we had the second-oldest come with us as well, as requested by the therapist, who wanted her input. I expected a shit-storm as I was prepared for battle as the mama bear in me was all ready to give it my all and go full force on them to finally put her on an anti-depressant for her obvious worsening depression…..and thank God, they finally did! She got a prescription for Prozac, the same thing I’m on, and that did wonders for me and literally saved my life. They said it’ll take 2 weeks or so to start working, although with me I started to notice the effects in a matter of days; I could literally feel something “shifting” and it felt like this black cloud was just …….dissipating. Then they went into their usual spiel how they don’t like to medicate kids and they don’t want her on medication long-term and that the behaviour therapy is the best treatment for depression,(and how it’s not working as she “doesn’t put enough “effort” into it) etc.. but I’m just glad they finally got her on something, and it’s a SSRI as well, so if she does have a chemical imbalance like I do (which is likely given it’s likely genetic and inherited) this should do the trick as it replaces low seratonin levels….

Thank God. Finally.

The second-oldest also offered when it was discussed that the 14 YR old and I have “relationship problems” ( although what mothers and teenage girls don’t?) that I have relationship problems with all my kids,and then the blame-game began, where I felt ganged-up on and attacked and I was accused of not being able to form attachments which affect my relationships due to my Asperger’s and bipolar, and due to my social phobia and depression I don’t participate in family activities or go anywhere or do anything socially because being with people (esp in crowds or strangers) gives me panic attacks and makes me nervous, uneasy, anxious, self-conscious, and uncomfortable, and they said I isolate myself for having different interests than they do( such as they like anime, sci-fi, and board games and I don’t; I have nothing against it, it’s just not my thing) so I don’t participate, when in actual fact they blame and hate me and exclude me and push me away because of my limitations , disabilities,and differences, and the more they push me out and exclude me, the more isolated I become and the more I withdraw back into myself and withdraw into my own world, and also to try to stay away from them to avoid conflict and simply because I can’t take their abuse anymore. I’m in the wrong family. I simply don’t fit.

The social worker also said she recommends that I go to group therapy counselling to help me with attachment , emotions,and relationships due to my mental health issues, but I’m not so sure about that as with my social phobia the idea of being there with a roomful of strangers is very unnerving, not to mention opening up and expressing my innermost feelings and issues to a group of strangers, I’d just embarrass myself and feel really vulnerable, and besides, I’d need a referral from my family doctor first and my hubby’s always complaining whenever he has to drive me anywhere and the therapy is in another town and he already complains about all my app’t’s as it is, plus she also said that it’s something the entire family would have to take part in and they’re not going to bother, esp. not just for me,and it’s something else they’ll have to use against me to blame me for, and what good would talking about it do,anyway? It’s not going to cure it or change anything.I need to get out of this toxic family.

As for not going to family activities, my hubby used Wonderland as an example, but it’s mostly all rides there and I don’t go on the rides because I can’t stand in those long line-ups or else I faint, so what am I supposed to do there the entire time? Just walk around and be bored…..and endure the long 2 HR drive there….and 2 HR drive back….for something I don’t do? He also mentioned the kids’ Cadets but I don’t agree with the military and I’m not going to something I don’t support or believe in as that would be hypocritical, and I have gone to some of the kids’ events, esp. before, when they were younger, before the worst of the traumas broke me hard and I was able to function better and do more, and before they got older and imitated my mother and hubby in bullying me and reduced me to this; when they were younger they weren’t like that; they’d even say to me, Why does Papa make you cry?” but now they’re older they copy seeing how they treat me and now I’m just so beaten down and have just given up. They’ve pushed me out of this family and made me feel unwanted and unwelcome…..so then why so upset when they feel I don’t take part anymore? Isn’t that what they want? They’ve succeeded in driving me out.

I don’t think I necessarily have trouble forming attachments though as I did the Attachment Parenting thing when the kids were babies, incl. breastfeeding on demand and carrying them around strapped to my chest in a baby “sling”, and I was the one who was the most involved and engaged with them then, plus I do have a strong bond with my dog as well, and my BFF and I have been friends ever since we were 12, and I’m still in contact with other friends I went to school with as well, so I do have bonds and friendships that have endured and am able to form attachments…..just not with my toxic family because of how they treat me! It’s kind of difficult to form close attachments with people that are constantly putting you down, making you feel like a burden, blaming and hating you for your disabilities, bullying you, always criticizing and belittling you, and making you feel like an outsider in you own home. How can I be expected to grow flowers in the desert?

F*ck.