Not A Loser.

Screen Shot 04-12-17 at 07.36 PM Guess who’s not such a loser?(not that we ever thought that she was!) the 17 YR old announced as she triumphantly breezed into the room….she was accepted into the hard-to-get-in to writing course in Ottawa, the one she had to write the essays for the exam at University Of Ottawa! They said it would take 2 weeks to find out but they contacted her in just a week and said she’s been accepted; this is the one where she got 92 % and 95 % on her exams! Eeeeee! She’s just beyond thrilled, esp. after all the other universities had rejected her and she would have been feeling really down and discouraged, but this was the one that really mattered, that she most wanted, the writing/ journalism program, but that was also the hardest to get in to….but she did it! God had allowed all the other rejections first because this was the one she was meant for and that was waiting for her. She starts in the fall and will be moving back to Ottawa , and living there again, where she was born and lived until she was about 4.CONGRATS!

As well, my mother didn’t want me to have any of the chicken strips she’d picked up fresh at the grocery and said they’re for the people that don’t like subs, but I told her,  help pay for the groceries so I’m having chicken strips!  I picked up 2 pieces and left….and that was that. After I’d had my weed I also couldn’t remember whether or not I’d eaten my dinner yet and I was trying to figure out if I had but I deduced that I wasn’t hungry so either I had already eaten or either that or else I wasn’t hungry and in either case I didn’t need to eat either way. Weed is funny that way.When I’m high it sometimes reminds me of Mr. Bean!

I also experienced the definition of utter disppointment: I got The Munchies after my weed and I got this intense craving for a certain kind of ice cream and I knew we had it in the freezer so I eagerly anticipated it and went to grab some….but someone had eaten it and it was all gone and not there anymore…words couldn’t even begin to describe how….crestfallen I felt at that moment. It was truly a sad, tragic, and pathetic sight to behold.

The girls also somehow convinced the 10 YR old that if he uses the pink Wii U remote that he will “turn” gay and he refuses to use it, even when all the other controllers were missing with only that one left, and he wails, It’s for girls and I don’t want to turn gay! I told him that was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard and that it doesn’t work that way but he wasn’t having any of it and acted like it had cooties or something! I also heard someone said they love being prego as they love the connection and you never feel alone and that summed it up perfectly for me,too,I love being prego,too, and that’s what it’s always been about for me; wanting that connection, wanting to be loved,wanting to feel close to someone, a bond, not wanting to feel so alone….. that’s why I’m so grateful for my dog. He’s given me love and companionship like no other and no one else ever has ♥

Raw Birth.

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-23-pm Here are some pretty amazing birth photos from BoredPanda from a birth photo competition that show the raw power and emotion of birth. They capture the journey of bringing forth new life and the anticipation, pain, strength, exhaustion,endurance, love, support, bonding, relief, joy,elation, emotion,and  wonder of the miracle of birth.

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-22-pm-002

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-22-pm-001

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-22-pm

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-20-pm

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-19-pm-002

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-19-pm-001

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-19-pm

 

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-17-pm-001

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-17-pm

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-16-pm-001

screen-shot-02-25-17-at-01-16-pm

Buddy.

buddy22 I got a scare yesterday morning when I woke up: I couldn’t find Buddy! I mean I couldn’t find him anywhere! He sleeps in bed with me but sometimes he’ll jump off and go on the floor and burrow under blankets on the floor but he wasn’t there. I remember that sometime during the night someone( I presume one of the kids) banged loudly on my bedroom door while I was asleep, waking me up momentarily, and then laughed and ran downstairs, and when I woke up in the morning my mother told me that sometime during the night she saw Buddy coming down the stairs, he somehow got out of my room even though I keep the door closed at night so he doesn’t wander, so I guess whoever banged on my door must have opened it and he got out so the 15 YR old brought him back up.

So I was looking all over for him, under the blankets on the floor, under my bed, in the kids‘ rooms, thinking maybe one of them might have stolen him during the night and taken him into their bed with them, in his dog bed/pillow in the livingroom, under the couch( where he often hides), in the basement( where he tries to sneak off to when someone leaves the door open)….everywhere…but he wasn’t anywhere, and then I really started to get scared and panic; where was he? Where could he have gone? I just got this cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, fearful dread and worry; what if someone had come in during the night and took him? What if that was actually the noise I’d heard at my door in the night? What if he’d somehow run away? I was really worried. He didn’t even come when I called him which was unusual.

As it turned out he was under my bed the entire time. Even though I had already looked there he was way far in the middle, hidden,and it’s really dark under there so I only saw him the second time I looked in with the flashlight. I reached in, grabbed him,and pulled him out. I was just so relieved he was ok. I was looking for him for over 30 minutes! He must have been hiding in there thinking he was in trouble or something, hearing the panic in my voice, but it certainly wasn’t a good way to start my day, and I had visions too of  maybe even finding him dead somewhere. He is old afterall, and turns 11 next month!

The 9 YR old also just randomly said to me, out of nowhere, “I hate you and hope you die!” and it really hurt when all I want is for someone  to tell me that they love me, and when I think about M, who I loved for 5 YRS and thought I would marry now I wonder if I ever really loved him afterall, or if I was more in love with the potential of him, as there were high hopes for his future; he’d hoped to become a lawyer and go into politics and maybe even become PM one day….the future looked bright and I imagined being by his side…as it turned out he didn’t, but he did still end up successful, earning a Masters degree in Business, but I later discovered that he’d misrepresented himself as a preppy rich kid when he actually lived in public housing; the ghetto, although it is admirable that he bettered himself, but as it turned out it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because he turned out to be gay and didn’t love me anyway.

As for my hubby, he was a machinist working in his uncle’s shop when I first met him and then after a breakdown he re-trained and got into computers, which he still does now, and he’s the guy they always seem to call whenever they run into an issue and he maintains a bunch of servers, and he accuses me of “embellishing” my blog,too, but I don’t; I say it like it is and tell what really happens; he just doesn’t like to hear it, but if he doesn’t want to look bad then maybe he shouldn’t be treating me bad, and I’ve noticed as well that once you have kids your relationship always seems to change for the worse, it ruins marriages ,putting strain on them, even if they did get along well before,and then in cases like us where it wasn’t strong to begin with then it just makes it even worse, but I’ve never seen a relationship get stronger, better, or improve once they have kids, but it always seems to decline after.

As bad as new U.S Prez Trump is I found out something good that he’s actually doing: de-funding taxpayer’s money to fund abortions and Planned Parenthood (the biggest abortion provider) and I’m so glad! Finally, a pro-life gov’t, with a pro-life stance and a pro-life agenda! If the bitches want to kill their babies then the least they can do is to pay for it with their own money! That’s what gets me about the Femi-Nazis,too; they always whine, “Stay out of my reproductive rights!” and “My womb is none of your business!”….yet then they expect their birth control and abortions to be publically funded by the gov’t and taxpayers! You can’t have it both ways! If it matters that much to them, let them pay for it themselves! Hopefully now it won’t be free there will be alot less pre-born babies being killed!

Disclaimer.

screen-shot-01-26-17-at-09-18-am Yesterday when I’d mentioned be careful what you wish for because you just might get it and how my biggest wish was to get married and have kids but then I’d regretted it and wished that I hadn’t, I have a disclaimer: I just wanted to clarify and to make it clear that I don’t mean my kids personally: I just mean having kids in general. It wasn’t what I had thought, hoped, expected, imagined, or been lead to believe. It wasn’t a profound, meaningful experience, it wasn’t my greatest accomplishment,it wasn’t the best thing I ever did, it didn’t bring me great joy, it wasn’t fulfilling, or any  of that, and, in fact, ended up to be the opposite of what I’d hoped and what I was hoping was fulfilling my dream actually turned into a nightmare as I found myself in an unhappy marriage and having kids that ended up hating me.It ruined my life.

I was also ill-equipped with my Aspergers, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. to handle the demands of parenting and it overwhelmed me, plus I never had the emotional support that I needed from my hubby or my mother but instead I’m constantly undermined, over-ruled, berated, demeaned, bullied, and made to feel that I don’t have a voice and don’t matter.I just get all of the shit and none of the perks. If I could go back and re-do my life all over again I wouldn’t have married my hubby and I wouldn’t have had kids, if only I knew then what I know now. It just brought so much fear, trauma, worry, and stress into my life that I was unable to cope and it just…..broke me. Nothing is worth going thru all that and my life would have been so much different if I had stayed single.For one thing, I know I wouldn’t be such a basket case.I might have even had a chance to be happy. I just wanted to make it clear that it’s not my kids personally I wish I never had; I just wish that I hadn’t had any kids, period.

As well, our Internet was down again( it turned out to be the router so we had to get a new one) and we rely on the Internet for everything, for my hubby’s work,it’s my only link to the outside world and my only communication, the kids do alot of the school work online, and the only way we can watch TV shows and movies is online, yet my hubby only cared  once it affected him and when I needed help with my Internet connection he screamed at me to shut up and that he “doesn’t have time” ( implying it’s just something for me so it’s not important and he couldn’t be bothered) and deep inside, I’ve seen a side of him that even the kids don’t know about, a part of him that I doubt even his siblings probably don’t even know  and haven’t seen, a dark side that’s really scary; really mean, vengeful, vindictive,spiteful,cruel, cold and calculating, and I’ve seen how he can get and what he’s capable of (I saw it during the custody battle back in the early 90’s and at other times,too) and I just wish I’d known sooner.

My hair’s been really growing alot lately,too, I just cut it last week and I had to cut it again; it easily grew 2-3 weeks worth of growth in just a week,and it’s like when I was on that hormone medication to lower the aldosterone so I wonder if maybe I have too much progesterone or something, say, like from an ovarian tumour and it’s causing my hair to grow quickly……hmmmmm…. kind of makes you wonder….and the 15 YR old said the lady at the Dollar Store was snotty to her as well and made fun of her clothes saying, “What are you supposed to be? Pretending to be something that you’re not!” and then saying “Do you go to work dressed like that?” and she said she’s 15 and she doesn’t work the clerk smirked when she was her age she worked…..what a bitch! If I was her I’d have told her, “I don’t buy my clothes to please you, and unlike you,I’m going to go to university so I can get a good job…..and you’ll still be working at the Dollar Store!” The 15 YR old said she didn’t as she “doesn’t want to be like her” or stoop to her level but the thing is with bullies if you don’t stand up to them and defend yourself and tell them off then they just keep on saying shit like that to everyone.

Bob Dylan.

screen-shot-10-13-16-at-06-24-pm Bob Dylan has received a Nobel Prize. When I first heard it I said to myself, “Well, I know it can’t be for singing!” (It was for literature) He has got the worst singing voice ever, so “nasal” and whiny, he honestly sounds like a screeching cat in heat. This is actually something that my hubby and I both agree on and have in common; we can’t stand Bob Dylan’s singing! We always joked that it’s proof that people must have been high in the 60’s if they thought that he sounded good…..and so, I did a little “experiment”: after I smoked weed I listened to a couple of Bob Dylan songs that I found on YouTube…..and they actually didn’t sound as bad as they usually do and did  sound better than normal! The weed did actually affect how I was hearing the music! I wouldn’t go as far as to say he sounded good, but it wasn’t that bad. I realize after I smoke weed I can hear music on different frequencies and sounds plays at different speeds, often at slower speeds, so it must have altered the songs somehow so it sounded better than usual. The experiment was a success and proved why he was so popular in the 60’s: because everyone was always stoned and their hearing was altered! Some people say he shouldn’t have got it for literature as he’s not an author or poet, but when you really think about it, song lyrics are just poetry put to music….

As well, the lady next door had her baby, and her first one is just 11 months old(Irish Twins, ha,ha!) so they’re even closer together than my first and second, who are 13 months apart, and my guess is she probably thought that you can’t get pregnant while breastfeeding (surprise!!) and I over-heard the 15 and 17 YR olds talking about me behind my back,too,(flashbacks of Jr.High bullies all over again)and making fun of my blog post, and they were taunting and laughing at me for being upset  for feeling like in my family I’m always an inconvenience, a burden, a bother, and an after-thought, and always coming last, and I express my feelings on the blog and get out my hurt as my way to vent,grow, and to heal,and here they are ridiculing it,and if that’s how they feel about it then why do they even bother to read it then? No one’s forcing them to read it, and if the only reason they do is to poke fun of it(and to laugh at my expense) then that just says more about the kind of people they are.

 

Gross Truths.

screen-shot-09-15-16-at-04-28-pm Have you ever read the truth about what really happens to your body when and after you give birth? All the true but gross details? Probably not. Well, I am here to enlighten you, a public service, if you will. All the pregnancy and birth books gloss over it, or maybe purposely leave it out as so not to scare you off or gross you out, and you probably wouldn’t want to believe it anyway, so here goes….

Contractions themselves feel like a tight belt of spikes facing inward being tightly squeezed around your middle and then the actual birth itself feels like your cooch is being pried open by a tire iron and the a blow torch being turned on. The baby’s head feels like a bowling ball and the birth itself feels like you’re shitting a football. If you want to know what it feels like, pull your lips back over your head, then you sort of get the idea. It’s not “discomfort” like the birthing books will try and tell you, it’s excruciating everlasting ungodly, unholy pain! It burns and it hurts! You are being stretched like never before, and your yoo-hoo will very likely( unless it’s made of elastic!) either tear or be cut and then be later stitched up, and when that happens it stings like a motherf*cker.

You are never fully prepared for your recovery after the baby is born. First of all, your belly looks like a big deflated balloon( as seen in the photo here), all stretched out, saggy,flabby, and just hangs there helplessly, sort of like a hot water bottle, or like a Shar-Pei dog, with all it’s wrinkles and folds. It’s a shocking, horrid sight that will literally bring you to tears, and no, it will not get much better unless, of course, you get a tummy-tuck. You will never get your body back the way it once was.

You will bleed like a stuck pig, and it can last for up to 6 weeks! I was shocked at how much blood there was, and standing up in the shower after the birth it just poured out of me like a faucet, and I even passed clots ranging in size from golfball-sized to fist-sized. It looked like my insides were falling out! I honestly thought I was bleeding to death there was so much  blood.I honestly don’t know how a person can possibly lose so much blood and still survive.I wish I had been prepared for how much you bleed after.

Afterpains. These get worse with each subsequent pregnancy, and it’s as the uterus contracts to shrink itself back down to normal size and also is triggered when the baby breastfeeds,and they can be quite painful, painful like contractions,and enough for Tylenol 3, and when you get them you can feel the blood gushing out of you as well. It’s just awful and one of those things they don’t tell you about.

Sitting down. Your bottom area will be sore for quite awhile after. It has been traumatized beyond measure and I wasn’t able to sit for literally a week afterwards with my first baby. I found that soaking in a tub of epsom salts for 30 minute periods helped, as did wearing a Tucks medicated pad, the same kind for hemmoroids.You can also make the same kind yourself by putting witch hazel on a maxi pad.

Bathroom function: It will burn when you pee for the first few days but I found that using a squeeze bottle with warm water on the area as you go pee is soothing and helps, and you will be constipated,too. I wasn’t able to shit for a good week. Your body is so traumatized it’s almost like it “forgot” how to shit! Take stool softeners and laxatives. My first shit was like a rock.

Breast-feeding. It may be natural but it’s not “easy”. It can even take up to 2 weeks for a baby to get the hang of latching on properly and it can be frustrating. When your milk comes in and your boobs are engorged(esp. first thing in the morning, but even if you go too long between feeds) and they will be hard, hot, heavy, veins bulging, sore, and leaking thru your shirt, and I mean really leaking; the front of your shirt will end up soaked! You will wake up in the mornings with 2 big round wet circles on the front of your shirt. I found wearing nursing pads( which fit in your bra) helped.

Sex: This is what got you into this mess in the first place, so you probably won’t be thinking about it for awhile and it’s likely the last thing on your mind with your broken body and your sleepless nights(you will feel like a prisoner of war you will be so sleep deprived with a newborn) but you must wait 6 weeks anyway for the body to heal and be warned: expect it to hurt the first time you do it after you’ve had a baby as the area will still be tender as it’s healing.

 

Laissez-Faire.

HippieHippoNew Our parenting, homeschooling, and lifestyle is very unstructured, easy-going, and laissez-faire, sort of like hippies in a way as nothing is set at a certain time but rather everyone just comes and goes according to their own schedules. When the kids were all young we always started school early in the morning, by 9 am but now they’re older and independent it doesn’t matter when they do their schoolwork as long as they do so many lessons per day they can set their own schedule and do the work whenever they want, as long as it gets done. They can sleep in late and stay up all night and do it during the night if they want, as long as it gets done every day, but the time is up to them.It’s like we work on “Caribbean Time.”

It’s like that with everything else,too, we have no specific set mealtimes, or bedtimes; everyone wakes up, goes to bed, and eats whenever they want. Food is prepared and set out a few times a day and you come and get it when you want and eat when you’re hungry. Everyone’s on a different schedule anyway(esp. with some of the kids working now) so it’s just not even possible to have everyone together at the same time to sit down together for meals anymore,anyway.So basically we have people waking up, eating, and going to bed at all different times throughout the day and night, coming and going. It’s like everyone’s on their own different shift, whatever works best for them. We’re very lenient and unstructured like that and it works for us. Everyone also has their activities and events they go to, and it’s mandatory that they go to church every week, but other than that they can divide their day as they wish and organize their own time.

Screen Shot 07-04-16 at 06.37 PM As well, I was attacked, called “ugly” and other names, and viciously bullied on Facebook by one of Patti’s friends just for saying that homosexuality is a sin…..so THIS is the reply that I gave to the bitch, the picture seen here, and this week the 15 YR old has Fashion Camp and she gets to design and sew a skirt, and next week the 13 YR old goes to Cadets camp for 2 weeks and next month the 9 YR old has Bible Camp, and the 13 YR old gets to be a leader,too!

I went swimming again as well, and I like it that in the water I’m buoyant and I’m NOT confined and restricted by my body and by my weight and I can still DO alot of the gymnastic moves( handstand, somersault, backwards somersault, walk-over,etc.) in the water that I used to do before when I was young and thin but can no longer do, and I feel graceful and free again,and it’s so relaxing and de-stressing too to just let yourself “go” and float peacefully, looking up at the clouds…..