The Mystery Note.

GreatMom When I sat down to my computer in the morning I saw this wonderful note waiting for me, as seen here. I have no idea where it came from or who sent it but it was obviously one of the kids. When I saw it my heart was filled with joy and just soared. My first thought was Maybe one of the kids really does actually love me,afterall? and Maybe I’m not really so bad like I think and my family makes me feel? and then, of course, I wonder who sent it….but then my wariness and suspicion creeped in and took over; I’ve been “conditioned” by my toxic family’s abuse to wonder if maybe it was actually sarcasm, some sort of cruel, sick joke and not really sincere. That, or perhaps some sort of experiment so they’d see what I’d do and how I’d react….

I’d like to think that it’s real; that it’s sincere, that someone really does love me,and that one of the kids broke rank and realized how badly my family treats me and knows how much I really needed to hear that, how much it means to me, how it warms my heart and touches my soul, how it brought me to tears, lifted me up, and really made my day. It’s also a step closer to healing and gives me hope. Then I was trying to figure out who sent it. At first I thought probably either the oldest or the 18 YR old since of all the kids they’re the ones that are nicer to me and less mean but then I noticed it had been posted there from sticky notes, from my own computer, so it was done by someone in this house; it came from here, so it has to be someone that lives here, so that just leaves 4 kids still living at home and the most likely would be the 23 YR old since he’s (usually) the one of the kids still at home that’s nicest to me….plus, he’s the one known for going on my computer…

I figured there’s no way it would be the 10 YR old or the 16 YR old since they’re the ones that treat me the worst of the kids still at home(along with the 21 YR old and the second-oldest that have moved out they treat me the worst too) and not likely it would be the 14 YR old as I feared I’ve “lost” her forever, but if it secretly was her it would be extra special. I’m grateful and happy for it whoever sent it, but coming from her would be extra special since it feels like I’ve lost her even though I’ve never stopped loving her; I always have and I always will, and I always hold out hope that she’ll come “back” to me someday, that she’s not “gone” for good. It’s a real mystery though but it was nice to see, a nice surprise, much appreciated and much needed. ♥  A big thank-you to whoever sent it.

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The Finger.

Screen Shot 01-09-18 at 06.01 PM 001 While I was cutting an English muffin in half with the “saw” knife I also accidently sliced my finger. It wasn’t a big cut but it was deep and it really bled, and it opened up and you could see the layers of “meat” inside. It also took forever to stop bleeding, 45 minutes to be exact because I timed it. I thought it would never stop. I really thought I’d have to go to the hospital and get stitches and whatever else they do to make the bleeding stop but I just kept applying pressure to it(even though initially the more pressure I applied the more blood squirted out) and even putting that “stick” on that you wet and that stings like a bitch but stops bleeding still didn’t even work….holy shit, then I was starting to panic,this really isn’t how I wanted to spend my morning and certainly not sitting for hours in the ER, but eventually it finally did stop bleeding and I just glued it together. It didn’t even hurt at the beginning when I first did it, though; I noticed the blood first, and now it’s throbbing and stings. Of course it’s my index finger too, and do you know how hard it is to try and function everyday daily tasks without the use of your index finger? Even typing and scrolling down with the computer mouse is affected and takes at least twice as long…..aaarrrggghhh!

I also bought a new cannabis oil  and the brand is from none other than Snoop Dogg himself! If anyone knows a thing or two about good quality weed it would be this guy so I trust in good faith that it’s a good-quality product. The 23 YR old told me too that Snoop Dogg at a concert smoking a doobie lit it up, inhaled it all, in it’s entirety in one puff, and held it in for over a minute before exhaling this huge plume of smoke….now that’s impressive, esp. considering it takes me some 7-8 or so “drags” to consume an entire joint….that man is my hero! 😀  My hubby and the 14 and 16 YR olds also ask in disgust why I “talk so much” about my weed and not about my other medications but the truth is, the weed is funnier and a hell of alot more, well, interesting, let’s say, and has more interesting side-effects than my other meds do, and besides, what’s so funny and cool about depression pills or pills for high BP or stomach ulcers,anyway?

They still haven’t plowed the sidewalks out from all the snow yet either so Buddy has to go out in the path in the backyard I shovelled him to pee but as he went out half-way onto the porch(before even stepping down the stairs onto the yard) he heard that hawk back again, wailing above ,and I heard it too, and he just stood there and froze and gave me a look, as if he was thinking, NO f*cking way in Hell, man! I’m not going out here with that thing out there! and he abruptly turned around and quickly ran back inside without ever even going pee….and then the smart dog ran over to the front door  and stood there looking up at me, telling me to take him out the front, which I did. Now, is that smart, or what?

I heard on the news as well about a fatal fire and 3 kids died but both parents made it out ok and this always gets me really mad: what kind of parent leaves their kids behind? You rescue the kids first and only then do you get out yourself, and you take them with you, you’re the last one out, not the first,and if they’re trapped and you can’t get them out, then you stay behind with them but you don’t leave your kids behind and with our fire my mother and I were the last ones out ( my hubby was away at a friend’s at the time) and we only escaped once we made sure that all 6 kids(at the time) were safely out first. I don’t know how they could live with themselves otherwise, leaving their own kids behind to die like that, hearing them screaming for help until the screams eventually stop….that’s just beyond comprehension…

2 For 1.

Screen Shot 11-18-17 at 05.17 PM Both my hubby and the 10 YR old went to the ER. It was a 2 for 1 kind of thing. After seemingly feeling better and starting to recover from their virus they both started to feel worse again, so there’s always the concern of a secondary infection following the virus, such as Strep or a lung infection, plus the 10 YR old had abdomenal pain as well that kept waking him up during the night and I was worried it could be his appendix so it’s better to go get checked (and have it be nothing) and be sure ( than to not and have it be something serious).  There was also this fear that maybe, just maybe, he had leukemia like the 19 YR old did when he was 7 and it brought back frightening flashbacks of that time we first brought him to the ER; how we just thought he had the Flu and we’d be right back home soon, how everyone had recovered from the virus except him, but it turned out to be leukemia. It was a nightmare. I can’t imagine him having to go thru what the 19 YR old did, or us as a family having to live thru that trauma again. I can’t even go there. I can’t even think about it.I got PTSD from it last time. Let’s just say I was so sick with fear, stress,and worry I could barely even function, esp. someone like me who has an anxiety disorder to begin with. I was just a wreck, and I could feel the adrenaline coursing thru my body and my hands were cold with fear, I was shaking, my stomach was sick, and I was just numb with panic and fear.

Luckily they think he just pulled a muscle in his abdomen from all his coughing although they didn’t take an X-ray or do any blood work but they did check his oxygen stats and listen to his heart and lungs and take his temp. and he doesn’t have a fever. My hubby did get an X-ray and his lungs are clear; just a bad cough that could take 6 weeks to resolve. What a relief! I also realized that all of the kids have been to the ER at least once in their lives now. Talk about alot of stress and worry!Life with kids is not easy, esp. for us with so many medical issues, traumas, crisis, tragedies, and misfortunes. I was also woken up at 3 am by the skunk-ish stench of a gross diarrhrea in my room that Buddy did on my carpet and I don’t know if he was whining or not to be let out as I was asleep!

I also looked out the kitchen window at the back and saw a cat trying to catch a chipmunk and they were running around all over the pool cover and the chipmunk kept escaping and I was hoping he’d get away but he didn’t; in the end the cat caught him and walked away victorious holding it by the tail, dangling from it’s mouth. Sometimes the cat wins. Just like in life. I’d like to get 2 new tattoos as well: a butterfly on my wrist to signify support for the 14 YR old with her eating disorder, and a Dachshund on the left side of my chest where my heart is for Buddy.

I saw on the news as well something awesome that I need in my life( except for the fact that it costs 230$!) : a weed Advent calendar! Every day during Advent ( the countdown until Christmas) you open a little window marked with the day on it and there’s a weed goodie of some sort behind it; an edible or something, for each day. We just have the regular Advent calendars that have chocolates behind the little windows, which is good, but weed? now that’s an Advent calendar I could really get excited about and look forward to every day!

Original Due Date.

Screen Shot 10-11-17 at 08.08 AM Today was the original due date for my first child 28 years ago. October 12…..only labour didn’t begin until 3 days later, on the 15th and he wasn’t born until 4 days later, on the 16th. I’ll never forget that day though; October 12th. It’ll always be imprinted in my memory forever, like a brain tattoo, forever etched on my mind, a day I eagerly anticipated and looked excitely ahead to for 9 months,and then a day that came and went….and as each day,each hour passed, I would get increasingly nervous, When it is going to happen? Is this baby ever going to come out? It seemed to last forever and I was just so eager to meet him and, to tell you the truth, at that point at the end of the pregnancy, just so desperate to get him out (I would have taken him out myself with salad tongs if I could!) I was trying everything from drinking castor oil, going for a bumpy car ride, to having sex….what’s taking this kid so long,anyway? I’m so done being pregnant….

…..but then one day, on the early morning of the 15th, around 5 am, my first contraction begun,and I was on my way at long last,and at 4 :47 the next morning, on the 16 th I became a mother for the first time,and against the odds he survived! Even though he was my first baby, our experiment,and we had no idea what we were doing and we were just “winging” it and just learned as we went along he survived and grew and came it thru it relatively unscathed(and he’s one of our more normal ones, or at least I think he is…) and now he’ll be 28 years old next week, but I’ll never forget October 12th. It was when he was originally supposed to be born.

As well, I saw this survey online how much $$$$ did you get for allowance as a kid and it reminded me: I used to get 20$ a week allowance yet now as an adult I’m put on a limit of 20$ a month “allowance” and this includes all my personal needs too such as shampoo, hair dye, tampons, deoderant, etc. whereas when I was a kid and a teen those were not incl. in my allowance; I didn’t have to pay for them, my allowance was just my extra spending $$$ but now I have to get all my needs out of it which is next to impossible and I realized that I had more money as a kid and teen than I do now. I’d also thought the diarrhrea was gone since the polyp was removed from my colon but now it’s back again, along with more bright red bleeding along with it, so maybe I do have colon cancer, afterall, then? I should get the biopsy results later next week….

I also had the recurring dream I often do of my last day of highschool and how free I felt, and how I just ran down the halls yelling, Freedom! I’m free! I never have to come back to this place ever again! what a feeling of pure freedom I felt, like I could fly,and it makes me think that’s probably how I’ll feel when I die,too; free; freedom from this life, free from this toxic environment, freedom from this toxic family, free from this physical body, free to soar, free to fly, free from anxiety, sadness, worry, fear, hurt, pain, rejection, free from depression, bi-polar, Asperger’s, free from self-loathing and self-hatred, free from being me,  just free….

My First Child.

Screen Shot 08-13-17 at 08.27 AM  I can’t believe that my oldest will be 28 in 2 more months.That’s older than me when he was born. I was 22, just 3 months away from turning 23. Here he is around age 14. It was a special experience raising him, partly because he was my first child so everything was new and it was a new and exciting adventure and also because he was such a good baby and a good little kid and so smart and so easy, so it was a joy raising him. I really enjoyed raising him and it was fun. I’m so lucky,and so glad, that he was my first. Others that followed some have been really difficult; difficult to feed, criers, screamers, fussy, defiant, destructive,colicky, …..but not him, even as a baby he would eat well, quickly, and with gusto, and go back to sleep and wake up right on time for his next feeding, and I’m lucky that the first one was one of the easy ones. God knew what He was doing.

I still remember the surprise when the pregnancy test stick turned blue, and back then you had to do a series of 3 steps and wait 30 minutes for the result to show up so it was really nerve-wracking.The first time I tried though it came up negative, so it must have been too early. I was surprised, It actually worked! We made a baby! I have a little human being inside me! I just couldn’t believe it! Working with God we created life! Then when I felt and saw him moving around inside me it was just magical, and when I left the hospital after his birth (back then I had to stay in 3 days) I remember thinking, I can’t believe I actually get to take him home with me! and I was full of so much excitement for this new adventure, and he didn’t disappoint.

Every milestone with him was special because he was my first and I was learning as I went along but he made it so fun and so easy that even the rigorous demands of a newborn( the constant feedings, getting up during the night, being sleep deprived and exhausted,etc..) were enjoyable because he was just so good and such a delight and it was such a wonder watching him grow and develop. It was a blessing and a gift that I got to raise him and it was such an amazing experience. He turned out ok too so I guess I must have done something right. He was sort of like our “experiment” being the first, but luckily he came thru it unscathed. I really enjoyed raising him.

As well, my mother and the 22 YR old went to a local  rib fest and they only had 5 vendors, not like in Toronto where they have lots, but I didn’t go as I can’t walk that far and my hubby was too busy to drive, and it was really redneck anyway; they also had beer, cornbread and beans and had a mechanical bull! Buddy seems better now too; he’s eating again and more lively, so maybe he just had a virus or an  upset stomach or something, and my hubby said he could drive me to church yesterday too but he didn’t, so I had to walk and then I saw him drive right by me as I was walking…..and he never even stopped to pick me up along the way and I was soooo pissed off and he never even picked me up after,either,and I felt dizzy and faint all day…..and it was a special Mass as well with the Archbishop ( the same one who Confirmed me all those years ago; he’s been there for decades) and 10 priests, incl. the one who was here when we first moved here….and  the Grumpy Old Fart,too! It was really beautiful and inspirational, the kind of thing that gives me goosebumps.

Jesus Loves You!

Screen Shot 07-26-17 at 08.14 AM As I was walking Buddy, an old woman I’d never seen before walks by walking her Pug and said to me, Jesus Christ loves you! and I politely replied back, You,too! and she goes, Thank you! and off she goes, and at first I was kind of taken aback and thought it was sort of weird and unexpected, and thought, Uh, ok…. but then it occurred to me, maybe she’s a messenger from God, an answer to my prayer, sending me someone to show me and remind me of God’s love and to remind me that He loves me, esp. when I really needed to hear it the most and it was a powerful spiritual experience and when it hit me I felt almost light-headed and overcome with emotion and felt like I was walking a bit taller. She probably greets everyone like that, but how it came precisely at exactly when I needed it and right after my prayer, it really impacted me. Thanks God, I know that was you.

When I put Buddy out in the backyard to go pee the 14 and 16 YR olds also purposely would distract and scare him so that he wouldn’t go as well, just to annoy me, and when I walked by I heard the 16 YR old snicker gleefully to the second-oldest and the 14 YR old, We broke her! and then they all giggled in satisfaction, as if in mission accomplished. Words can’t even describe how it made me feel at that moment, and I think their words and actions speak for themselves. I just shuffled past and pretended that I didn’t hear it. What do you possibly say to something like that? I can’t take their abuse anymore.

Screen Shot 07-26-17 at 05.22 PM The 14 YR old also lost another pound this week and the clinic even criticized us too for taking her to the ER when she was in crisis saying we can’t rely on the ER, etc. even though that’s where she felt like she needed to be and wanted to be, and her new thing now( that the 16 YR old has also joined her in just to bug me) is she won’t eat any food if I touched it, like I have cooties, am radioactive, infectious, contagious, or unclean or something and it’s offensive, insulting, demeaning,and degrading; like I’m lower caste, like one of the Untouchables or a leper or something; unclean! unclean! Stay away!  and no one will go near you or touch anything you’ve touched, as if you’re inferior and a social outcast. They’re just so mean to me and it really hurts my feelings. The 16 YR old also made this flip comment to me and the second-oldest said to her in an accusing tone(directed at me) Be careful or you’ll end up on the blog! They can all just kiss my ass!

The 14 YR old  also complains saying she hates it when I yell up to her upstairs to come down for her meals, but if I don’t yell how is she possibly going to hear me? She’s supposed to set a timer on her phone to remind her when meal and snack times are only she’s stopped doing that so I have to remind her, and I can’t run up and down stairs or I get out of breath and if I don’t yell how will she hear me up there? If she actually just came down on time for meals and snacks I wouldn’t even have to call her. I just can’t possibly “win” either way, no matter what I do. I had a good cry today,too, and I buried my face into Buddy’s soft warm fur and he nuzzled me back, sensing I was upset and he was consoling me, and maybe I’m not the best at showing affection with my Asperger’s but everything I’ve ever done has always been about protecting the kids and keeping them safe, advocating for what’s best for them,and trying to raise them Godly and comes from a place of love, even if they don’t see it or realize it. I sacrificed so much (incl. emotionally, and mentally) to keep them safe from an enemy that threatened our family( and was one of the worst traumas that affected me and really broke me hard), and even gave up a good portion of our income fighting the system to defend and protect our homeschool and to keep us safely anonymous, I pushed, even threatening legal action, to ensure the 19 YR old was admitted to the psych ward when he was suicidal and the ER was going to release him, and I wouldn’t stop fighting to get the eating disorders clinic to put the struggling 14 YR old on meds despite their repeated objections, because I know she needs it and I fight for her…..I still feel emotion even if I can’t always express it. I want what’s best for them because I care….despite how they treat me.

Our cousin and his family are also on a trip in Spain, but they already live in Europe anyway  so it’s not too far for them and so it’s just the airfare they need as they’re staying at his parents’ winter villa,  and every night I wake up during the night in a coughing fit and I wonder what it is? Could it be sleep apnea maybe? It’s the strangest thing…I have this feeling too my friend F from Ottawa might have died as I keep having dreams about her; several over the past couple of months, and due to the reason why we had to move I wasn’t able to have any contact with her(or anywhere from there) for the past 17 YRS ever since we left, nothing that could trace anyone back to us and find our current location….and now all of a sudden the dreams….I often dream about people who have died, Babushka, for example, where I’m visiting them, and the …..I wonder if it’s true?

 

Shit-Storm.

Screen Shot 07-10-17 at 02.18 PM The 14 YR old went to her eating disorders clinic app’t yesterday and we had the second-oldest come with us as well, as requested by the therapist, who wanted her input. I expected a shit-storm as I was prepared for battle as the mama bear in me was all ready to give it my all and go full force on them to finally put her on an anti-depressant for her obvious worsening depression…..and thank God, they finally did! She got a prescription for Prozac, the same thing I’m on, and that did wonders for me and literally saved my life. They said it’ll take 2 weeks or so to start working, although with me I started to notice the effects in a matter of days; I could literally feel something “shifting” and it felt like this black cloud was just …….dissipating. Then they went into their usual spiel how they don’t like to medicate kids and they don’t want her on medication long-term and that the behaviour therapy is the best treatment for depression,(and how it’s not working as she “doesn’t put enough “effort” into it) etc.. but I’m just glad they finally got her on something, and it’s a SSRI as well, so if she does have a chemical imbalance like I do (which is likely given it’s likely genetic and inherited) this should do the trick as it replaces low seratonin levels….

Thank God. Finally.

The second-oldest also offered when it was discussed that the 14 YR old and I have “relationship problems” ( although what mothers and teenage girls don’t?) that I have relationship problems with all my kids,and then the blame-game began, where I felt ganged-up on and attacked and I was accused of not being able to form attachments which affect my relationships due to my Asperger’s and bipolar, and due to my social phobia and depression I don’t participate in family activities or go anywhere or do anything socially because being with people (esp in crowds or strangers) gives me panic attacks and makes me nervous, uneasy, anxious, self-conscious, and uncomfortable, and they said I isolate myself for having different interests than they do( such as they like anime, sci-fi, and board games and I don’t; I have nothing against it, it’s just not my thing) so I don’t participate, when in actual fact they blame and hate me and exclude me and push me away because of my limitations , disabilities,and differences, and the more they push me out and exclude me, the more isolated I become and the more I withdraw back into myself and withdraw into my own world, and also to try to stay away from them to avoid conflict and simply because I can’t take their abuse anymore. I’m in the wrong family. I simply don’t fit.

The social worker also said she recommends that I go to group therapy counselling to help me with attachment , emotions,and relationships due to my mental health issues, but I’m not so sure about that as with my social phobia the idea of being there with a roomful of strangers is very unnerving, not to mention opening up and expressing my innermost feelings and issues to a group of strangers, I’d just embarrass myself and feel really vulnerable, and besides, I’d need a referral from my family doctor first and my hubby’s always complaining whenever he has to drive me anywhere and the therapy is in another town and he already complains about all my app’t’s as it is, plus she also said that it’s something the entire family would have to take part in and they’re not going to bother, esp. not just for me,and it’s something else they’ll have to use against me to blame me for, and what good would talking about it do,anyway? It’s not going to cure it or change anything.I need to get out of this toxic family.

As for not going to family activities, my hubby used Wonderland as an example, but it’s mostly all rides there and I don’t go on the rides because I can’t stand in those long line-ups or else I faint, so what am I supposed to do there the entire time? Just walk around and be bored…..and endure the long 2 HR drive there….and 2 HR drive back….for something I don’t do? He also mentioned the kids’ Cadets but I don’t agree with the military and I’m not going to something I don’t support or believe in as that would be hypocritical, and I have gone to some of the kids’ events, esp. before, when they were younger, before the worst of the traumas broke me hard and I was able to function better and do more, and before they got older and imitated my mother and hubby in bullying me and reduced me to this; when they were younger they weren’t like that; they’d even say to me, Why does Papa make you cry?” but now they’re older they copy seeing how they treat me and now I’m just so beaten down and have just given up. They’ve pushed me out of this family and made me feel unwanted and unwelcome…..so then why so upset when they feel I don’t take part anymore? Isn’t that what they want? They’ve succeeded in driving me out.

I don’t think I necessarily have trouble forming attachments though as I did the Attachment Parenting thing when the kids were babies, incl. breastfeeding on demand and carrying them around strapped to my chest in a baby “sling”, and I was the one who was the most involved and engaged with them then, plus I do have a strong bond with my dog as well, and my BFF and I have been friends ever since we were 12, and I’m still in contact with other friends I went to school with as well, so I do have bonds and friendships that have endured and am able to form attachments…..just not with my toxic family because of how they treat me! It’s kind of difficult to form close attachments with people that are constantly putting you down, making you feel like a burden, blaming and hating you for your disabilities, bullying you, always criticizing and belittling you, and making you feel like an outsider in you own home. How can I be expected to grow flowers in the desert?

F*ck.