The Factory Has Now Shut Down.

The factory has shut down. The shop is closed. It is the end of an era. After 11 kids and now being 44 years old my “womb for rent” is out of business. I am done having kids. I do miss it, and spent many years of my life prego, breastfeeding, having and raising kids and now it feels weird with no more babies. Our youngest is now 4 years old and after my high BP(175/150) and  the liver problem I developed with him(and he had to be induced at 37 weeks to prevent stillbirth) it has a 90% chance of recurring, only earlier in the pregnancy(it started at 35 weeks last time) and the outcome for the baby may not be so lucky next time. My age and high risks also put me at increased chance of having a Down Syndrome baby. All things considered, plus my 4 year old is an unholy terror and honestly I can’t take another one like that(God sure knew what He was doing when He saved him for my last!)and am just not “up” for the demands of a new baby anymore; the exhaustion of nursing and overnight feedings, it’s best that it’s over now, even though I do feel a sad loss that it’s really over I have come to accept it.

I follow a blog where a woman lost a baby at 23 weeks and is now losing another one at 17 weeks. This is heartbreaking and a good reminder to me why it’s best I’m done having kids; I also no longer have the intense risk, stress, fear and worry anymore now either that goes along with it. I no longer have to fear miscarriages(I have had 6 of them), losing babies, defects, complications, SIDS, etc.In this way it’s a relief, even though I still do miss it. I also know it’s better this way. We still don’t believe in or use birth control but I know it’s over now, esp. since it took 3 years to even GET prego with the last one, so, all things considering  I think it’s safe to say we are done now.

Baby envy.

I know of a few people who are pregnant(incl. my cousin’s wife) and I have been feeling a case of baby envy lately, even though I also know that it’s best for me now that my baby-making days are over, esp. given my age(I’m 43), the complications(Obstetric Cholestasis) I had with my last baby 3 years ago, and the fact that physically and emotionally I’m just NOT “up” for another baby anymore; I just couldn’t handle the demand anymore and it is too high risk as well,given my complications,and the high chance of Down Syndrome,etc. with my age.Not to mention the exhaustion of nursing and getting up during the night for feedings, and the anxiety and worry that always goes along with having a baby, and the numerous trips for immunizations,etc.it’s just all too much now. I still have nostalgic memories of being prego though and the wonderful newborn period(even though my labours aren’t so great!) and I miss the fact that I will never experience it ever again. It was a big part of who I am and how I defined myself,and I was practically ALWAYS either prego for nursing for the most part of 18 years! My oldest will be 21 this year and I honestly don’t know what to “do” with myself now it’s over and I still feel a twinge of sad envy when I hear or see others that can still have babies, that still have it ahead of them and for me it’s over now. I feel like a dried up withered old plant,and it makes me feel old and “broken”.It was a big part of my life,and my identity and now it’s gone.It feels “empty” now,like the end of an era. I HAVE accepted that chapter in my life is over now and it’s for the best and I’m better off like this, but it’s still sad to see something you’ve loved and enjoyed and that was a big part of your life come to an end but nothing lasts forever and everything has to come to an end eventually,so now when I see “pregos” and babies instead of thinking what I’m missing, I concentrate on all the other things I’ll no longer have to WORRY about,so it takes the sting out of it a bit and makes the loss a bit easier to bear.

The Red Tide is in!

The “Red Tide” is in; 6 days late “Aunt Flow” FINALLY showed up! At least I think it is; it may actually be an early miscarriage instead; all the others I’ve had were always between 5-6 weeks and tomorrow would have been 5 weeks. This is a heartbreaking thought. There is heavy, heavy bleeding so it might be either: a heavy late period or I WAS prego afterall but am losing it. I guess we’ll never really know… 😦

Could it be possible????

As of this moment “Aunt Flow” is now 3 days late so far.Could it be possible I’m prego again, with baby #12? The idea is exciting and I love babies yet this thought and possibility actually terrifies me even so, due to the fact that I am 43 and it’s VERY high risk at my age(increased problems such as Down Syndrome and other complications, diabetes, miscarriage, preemies,etc..) not to mention my liver problem; I had Obstetric Cholestasis with my last baby when I was 40(and he had to be induced at 37 weeks to prevent late-term stillbirth) and has a 90% chance of recurring! Of course, even if it turns out I AM and something IS(or goes) wrong, I would never kill it; if I am, I am, and I know God will take care of us, but it’ll be a very nerve-wracking 9 months if so, filled with fear, stress,and worry.Maybe it’s just going late this month and will still come (maybe I’m even in early menopause?) but time will tell;all I can do is wait and see and leave it in God’s Hands, and I am secure and trust that God has a plan and I trust in Him…