I was thinking if the biopsy of my polyp and colon lining turns out I do have cancer afterall, which is what I actually expect considering the rectal bleeding, massive weight loss, diarrhrea, abdomenal pain, polyp, and family history of colon cancer, I’ve decided before I die things I’d like to do to enjoy what time I do have left incl. renting a Mustang or SmartCar and driving to Toronto to see my old house and spend a day in my old neighbourhood, going to the nail salon and having a French Manicure, going to Jamaica and being back in the Caribbean in my fave. place on the beach watching the sunset, etc, things I love and enjoy and that make me happy, and then the thought occurred to me….why wait? Why have to wait until I’m dying before I do these things? Why can’t I just do them now regardless, other than for financial reasons, esp. the Jamaica trip; if it’s going to bring some joy and happiness into my life why should I have to wait until my life is ending and almost over before I do the things I love? Why shouldn’t I be doing them all along, all thru my life? Why save it all up and wait until the end? Why not try and enjoy living right now,too, in the moment?
I also decided if it turns out a false alarm and I don’t have cancer (and if I don’t then my hubby probably really is poisoning me afterall as that would also explain my symptoms and deterioration over the past months; the drastic weight loss, abdomenal pain, bleeding, diarrhrea, feeling tired, run-down, listless, and drained…) then maybe it’s a chance to start over again, a new life, a second chance, to find happiness , independence,and freedom in my life like I’ve always wanted but always seem to be held back and prevented from. Perhaps I can maybe even try to get a driver’s license like I’ve always wished I had but never attempted due to my perception problem? Maybe I can attempt a driving course and get my license which would afford me more freedom and independence and I could just take off on the open road, windows open, music blaring, with the wind in my hair, I’d feel so free…. I pray to God either way to give me the strength ,guidance,direction,means,courage,and ability that I need to make the necessary changes and to start over again and to find happiness one way or the other. I’ve given up on ever finding love but maybe I can at least find some happiness, freedom, independence, and peace in some way, whether I die soon and find joy in Heaven or am somehow able to break free of this toxic environment and start over with a new beginning somehow because I’ve reached a point now where I’ve just had enough and I just don’t give a f*ck anymore and just want to walk away and never look back. I’m just so done.
I woke up with a bad headache as well incl. stabbing pain behind my right eye and I’ve had a headache ever since I fainted and hit my head a week and a half ago(but it finally doesn’t hurt anymore unless I touch it now) so it may or may not be related, and in church before Mass we were reciting the Rosary and for a few seconds there wires must have crossed in my head or something because I suddenly didn’t understand the words and what everyone was saying in unison sounded like jibberish (and I also felt really sweaty) even though this is something I know by heart and then it was ok, and I hadn’t heard the John Fogerty song The Old Man Down The Road in something like 35 years and I’m glad since I hate that song and I find it really annoying and it bugs me but lately all of a sudden I keep hearing it on the radio alot and so it makes me wonder if it’s trying to tell me something in the lyrics perhaps, but the only thing I could possibly see in it is where it says about gotta run, gotta hide… that’s most of my life; running and hiding, fleeing danger so I wonder if there’s yet another danger just ahead…great….that’s all we need!
My hubby and the 14 YR old were also hassling me about Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) because I don’t celebrate it and they like to taunt me about it so I just walked away and left the room, trying to avoid conflict and not give them the satisfaction. I don’t need this and I’m not putting up with their shit. I’ve had enough. Ignore the assholes. Just consider where it comes from. They’re not worth it. My mother had also asked my hubby to bring up the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner upstairs from the freezer as both her and I get out of breath going up and down stairs and of course he forgot and didn’t and then he went out so she grumbled that she had to do it and I told her just to have the 10 YR old do it; he’s young and strong and goes up and down the stairs all the time and this is something that he is capable of doing and can do to help but she would have none of it; he’s her little precious and she doesn’t dare want him doing any WORK,and when I asked her why she doesn’t want him to she sniffled, I just don’t!…. yet then complained how now she had to do it and how exhausted she was and how she always has to pick up the slack,etc, playing the victim and martyr when really it’s her own doing; she just makes more work for herself when she doesn’t have to and then complains about it!