I had a revelation yesterday when I was getting down on myself again for settling in life and all my regrets over things I wish I had done but didn’t and how I wish I could go back and rewind time and do so many things over and differently in life and it came to me about settling: that settling sometimes is just a part of life, you don’t always get what you want and things don’t always turn out the way you hope and sometimes you have to make do with less and settle for less, but there are other times where you don’t, where you stay determined and stick with your goal and pursue your dream and accept nothing less; the problem is when you always compromise and settle and sell yourself short and then you deserve better.
That is me though; I’ll settle for less rather than risk nothing at all, so even if it’s not exactly what I wanted or hoped for I’ll take it for fear of missing out and ending up with nothing otherwise and I always end up with second-best or less-than and having to settle for less because what I really want is always out of reach. I’m tired of always having to settle though, to always make do with inferior stuff I don’t really want because that’s all I could get and for once I’d like to be able to attain the actual preferred and desired outcome or item, like to get the pink one that I really wanted instead of having to settle for another colour, for example, or to get the actual designer brand one instead of the cheap knock-off, or to settle for the one that’s so-so because it’s the only one left, or to get the better quality one for once instead of the cheaper one that I can afford, or to marry someone I actually love than to just settle for the first(and only) person that shows any interest in me because that’s the “best” I can do , etc.
As well, the homily at Mass yesterday also got me thinking: it was how God doesn’t require big, complicated tasks of us and He just asks us to be faithful and even the smallest, simple things to us that might seem meaningless and like nothing to us can actually have great significance to Him, and what we see as as failure in ourselves(and what others and the world sees as success and failure in us as well) God might see as a triumph, and even Jesus’ ministry on Earth would appeared to Him and His followers as a failure: He was hated, mocked and killed and His Disciples all abandoned him and scattered…. but now look at His church and following….it’s blossomed… and that seeds are planted and then we’re to leave the rest up to God, to just have hope and faith and sit back and let Him to His work and see what happens; that great trees can grow strong and mighty from the smallest seeds….that also got me thinking about my sunflower seeds that I’m trying so desperately to grow and so far out of 24 seeds only 2 seedlings have survived so far…maybe it’s even symbolic of my own kids: of 11 kids only 2 of them will return to God, despite my raising them all in the faith and planting the seed?
My hubby also said he’s going to call the realestate agent to come in and access the house this week, and it makes me sad as it makes moving even more real and even closer and sooner. I’m really going to miss our backyard, the pool, my bedroom(esp. the floral wallpaper) and picking fresh warm mulberries right off our trees. I just hope that there’s things at the new house wherever it is that I will also love equally as much. It’s been 2 weeks for my mother’s sore back as well and she’s slowly improving; going longer periods in-between pain and now at the worst her pain level is 8 out of 10 on the pain scale instead of a 10 but I think she’s enjoying her time off on the couch and taking advantage of it having me taking over all her household chores for her though, not having to do any work….
Father’s Day was yesterday as well which Buddy can now celebrate too, now that he’s a father, having fathered puppies 2 months ago, and about my hubby my mother snarked to me, Did you say Happy Father’s Day? and I replied, Oh, well, no one said Happy Mother’s Day to me so I thought we weren’t celebrating, and I’m still waiting for the kids to make me my Mother’s Day cards from last month! All the kids did,however, make cards for him though and even gave them to him right in front of me,too, to make a big show of it; they couldn’t have even done it in private so I’d never even have to know,rubbing it in how they do make cards for him just not for me, and pretty well every night I always wake up between 3 – 3:30 am as well and last night I also did but because of a headache and I saw a house in a dream too with a wooden front door and the top of the door was arched and curved, as opposed to a straight rectangle and I wonder if that’s what our new house will look like and if I’ll recognize it later from my dream?