Ovarian Cyst.

Screenshot_699 Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound to see if they can find the cause of my abdomenal pain and as soon as the tech put the wand on my belly and saw something she asked me if I would mind doing a trans-vaginal scan(the one where the wand is shoved up my you-know-what) as it shows a more clearer detailed image  and when I asked her what part she’s looking at she said the cyst on my ovary. So there you have it. That must be it. That must be the issue, what’s been causing my abdomenal pain and maybe even my really sore lower back as well, maybe it’s grown and gotten bigger in size and is pressing on other organs now, or maybe it’s twisting at times, or maybe it’s not even a mere cyst anymore and has become a cancerous tumour now? Maybe I have ovarian cancer?

The entire scan was focused solely on the cyst as well, whereas originally I thought it was of the pelvic organs in general, so they must have found something and they said my doctor gets the results in about a week. As I inserted the wand into my yoo-hoo and the tech was twisting and turning it around I also cracked, This is the most action I’ve had in years! and she started cracking up laughing. At least if it does turn out to be the cyst or a tumour, on my ovary(and she said it is on the right side,too, where my pain is) it’s easy enough to fix: just remove it!

I think I may have had seizures again overnight last night as I was sleeping as well as I kept waking up during the night due to a massive headache I first had at 1 am but also every time I’d awaken I remember my arms and legs and muscles were all rigid and stiff,too, as if I was just coming out of a seizure, which might also explain why I kept waking up and why I’m so tired all day today,and maybe also the reason for the bad headache? My hubby also likes to mock my religious beliefs and faith and he also taunts that I’m not a “good” Christian and I won’t make it to Heaven and I don’t obey God because I have tattoos, use medical marijuana, and wear two different fabrics at the same time, and uses all kinds of silly little nit-picking “technicalities” to try and prove I’m not following the Bible, but who is he to say, or to judge, though? He doesn’t even go to church, hasn’t been to Confession in years, and doesn’t even give a shit about God and religion, so what “qualifications” does he have to judge anyone or to say who gets in to Heaven,anyway?

As well, the 17 YR old left her tacos in the microwave  after they were done and I needed to use it so I just took them out and placed them on the counter beside the microwave and then she gets all bitchy and snarky and huffs that now it’s all contaminated and ruined because I touched it and that I’m disgusting and now she has to throw it out, and goes on and on, as if I have cooties, or leprosy, or something, like I’m a leper, or one of the Untouchables, like in the Bible when a leper approaches a camp and the people shield their faces,backing away and shout, Unclean! Unclean! Why are they so mean to me though? What exactly is their problem? Maybe it simply comes down to this: they’re just mean people and I’m an easy target.Or maybe my kids just suck?

Tomorrow recreational marijuana is legalized as well and so I will expect a haze of smoke wafting over the entire country in celebration as we celebrate accordingly….Peter Tosh would have been so happy.

 

Shirley Fall.

Screenshot_692 It is surely fall. This is what I woke up to yesterday morning. Yes, that’s right, it was below freezing!  When I took Buddy out for his early morning walk we froze our asses off. I put his warm wool sweater on him and I had to wear my heavy wool sweater, hat and mitts! I also finally took the A/C out of my window the other day as the cold wind blowing thru the cracks made my bedroom freezing cold during the night and last night I still even had to have my little heater on in my room and the furnace even came on for the first time too! It’s officially fall now,and you can tell it looks and feels like it now, all dull, cold, windy, rainy, with coloured leaves all over and you can smell and fell a briskness and chill in the air.

Winter is coming!

Screenshot_693 Another sign of fall: now I’m wearing leggings and thick warm socks. No more shaving my legs or nail polish on my toenails anymore now until spring.My legs hibernate over the winter. I wish I could,too.

Screenshot_694 Look! Pumpkin cheesecake! We had this for our Sunday dessert yesterday. It was just so good, it was beyond words.It’s a good thing it wasn’t a Weed Day or else I probably would have eaten the whole thing. In church yesterday there was also this guy sitting in front of me who had this tattoo on the back of his neck and I spent the entire time trying to figure out what it said but I never could as the script wasn’t in English and usually I’m pretty good with languages but I couldn’t figure this out and didn’t even recognize it what language it was, the letters look almost inverted, reversed and upside down, so maybe it was some sort of gang symbolism or something, I don’t know….it was almost like some sort of secret code and I spent the entire hour trying to figure it out. It doesn’t take much to amuse me, ha,ha.

My hubby and the girls were making fun of me as well as I got the A-B-C order mixed up and thought M came before L and that I always have to recite the Alphabet Song to remember and figure out which letter comes next and they laugh at me and call me stupid even though I have White Matter Decline(which is similar to Alzheimer’s but affects a different part of the brain) and can’t help it, but they like to say it’s because I’m a pothead, because then they can blame me for it and make me look bad,shame me, and say it’s my own dumb fault, and they’re always talking about Satan’s Day (Halloween) around me,too, purposely knowing it gets me upset as I don’t want anything to do with the occult and I avoid it and then they mock and ridicule me for my religious faith and obedience(to stay away from anything occult) but I just ignore them, don’t give them the satisfaction, and just consider where it comes from.It doesn’t even deserve the dignity of a reply.I just pretend I don’t even hear them or just walk away. I care more about what God thinks(and thinks of me) than what they think,anyway.

He Sent Him.

Screenshot_615

When I prayed for someone to love me God sent me Buddy, and when He sent him:

He sent someone to love me unconditionally.

He sent me a best friend.

He sent me a great listener.

He sent me the perfect companion.

He sent someone who will never “out-grow” cuddling.

He sent me a reason to get up every morning.

He brought light, joy,and love into my life.

He sent someone to love me when no one else would.

He sent me a friend that is loyal and will never hurt or betray me.

He gave me someone to dote on.

He gave me someone that needed me.

He gave me someone who loves me just as I am and doesn’t care what I look like, how much I weigh,how smart I am,how much money I have, what I’ve achieved, or that I’m crazy.

He sent me an example of pure selfless love.

He ended my loneliness and longing for love and friendship.

He gave life meaning again.

He gives me a reason to keep going each day.

He sent me my soulmate, only in animal form.

He sent someone who “gets” me.

He sent me a friend that will never wake up one day and suddenly decide he doesn’t like me anymore.

He sent someone to keep me company and someone to talk to.

He sent a friend to comfort me.

He sent someone that would return my love and not reject it.

He sent someone to make me smile and laugh.

He sent someone who misses me when I leave and is happy to see me when I return.

He sent me someone who loves me more than they love themselves.

He sent someone to love.

He sent LOVE.

Thank you, God.

Our Thanksgiving.

Screenshot_613 Yesterday we had Thanksgiving. What I’m most thankful for is Buddy; that God gave him to me so that someone still does  love me when no one else would (or could) love me, and for my strong faith, even if I struggle personally and have a crisis of faith or have doubts it’s in myself and in my own abilities and strengths; never in God’s, and it’s only because of Him and His provisions, protection, guidance, warnings,blessings,love,and wisdom that I have the endurance I’ve had in order to still be here, despite always struggling to find joy and purpose in life.

Screenshot_616 This is but a small sample of our big Thanksgiving feast we had for dinner. Besides us we also had my father-in-law over.  We had something like 6 turkeys, 5 hams, 6 pumpkin pies( my FAVE!!!!) 2 kinds of veggie, 2 kinds of potatoes, buns, stuffing, etc. It was a feast fit for a king! I heard the kids talking as well how “small” our family is now, now there’s only 4 of them left at home with all of the others having moved out or away(and too far to be able to just visit for a weekend), either at school(and the 2 away at school either phoned or live-video chatted to us back home for today,too, and the 19 YR old had her Thanksgiving and dinner with her BF and his family, so she wasn’t alone) and how it feels so weird now. and how now there’s so much room around the table! and We’re not all squished in now!  and remember when all the kids all lived here at the same time? but they sounded like they were being nostalgic though, like they missed it, like I do, longing for the Old Days, missing their siblings and fondly remembering their childhood and it made me smile.

The 23 YR old was sadly sick with a cold up in bed in his room all day so he missed dinner and I’d mentioned to my mother how without him at the table( as both him and my hubby when they both get together are really  trouble!) it’s not as likely they’ll act like such losers…. and then, just then as I said that….

A dinner roll comes sailing past from the dining room into the kitchen.

Ok, nevermind.

Today’s also supposed to get up to 27 C with a humidex of 35 C and the same tomorrow ( so definitely OUTSIDE DAYS!) and then cool back down to 13 C and stay there, at the average , and for the past few days I’ve had increasing belly pain too ,and swollen and distended stomach above belly-button area and now it even hangs over like a big ‘ol beer gut! I swear to God, I kid you not ,and not sure if it was my stomach ulcer or my liver, both I’ve had recurring issues with but I think it’s my liver as now the pain has also gone down along the right side too, along the path of the liver…and when it’s my ulcer it gives me a bit of relief after I eat but with this there’s no difference, and, actually feels worse around an hour after I ate.

I got an answer as well to my prayer about revealing the truth regarding a serious accusation against me I can’t remember and am unsure if it’s because of my memory issues or because it never happened and the answer pressied on my heart as:  ———(the accuser) has a mental illness.Sometimes their mind gets ‘jumbled’ up, like yours does, and they can’t tell what’s real from what’s  just in their mind. There’s no malicious intent; they really do believe it but their mind is playing tricks on them, and the reason you don’t remember doing it is because you didn’t and it never happened.

Holy shit! I wonder though…. maybe? It might help to explain it, and why it doesn’t make sense, add up, and contradicts with my memory and the memory of a witness who was there at the time. If that’s true then that makes me feel better, knowing I didn’t do anything horrible like that, that I’m not such a terrible person I could do something so awful and then just forget all about it like it was nothing at all.I have nothing to feel guilty, horrible, ashamed and suicidal about because I didn’t actually do anything bad and nothing happened…..

….and yet….

….due to my own struggles with my own mind I still questioned it, had self doubts, wondered, Could it have been possibleAm I really this horrible person only I just don’t know it? No wonder everyone hates me. Am I capable of this?  and doubting my own mind, my own memories, my own realities, my own perception, my own reasoning, everythingI am a crazy person, afterall, so anything is possible I guess…. even though I knew in my heart that wasn’t me, that’s not who I am, and I knew there’s no way I would have or could have done those things, and I feel like to cry even just thinking about it, and yet my own insecurities, self-doubts, lack of confidence, and struggles with sanity still  made me question the possibility, or at the very least my ability to correctly remember,process, or at least interpret it.

My mother also got mad at me and goes on this rant how I’m a Shop-a-holic and I love to over-spend and she goes on and on, when all I did was spend a whole 7.00$ at the Dollar Store to buy Buddy a dog toy. Wow….. a whole 7.00$! Come on….. is she serious? and then she goes on to berate me, saying I’m still the same as I was in Toronto and Ottawa ( when we used to have $$$$$$ which we don’t now) such as how I’d spend1-2 hundred $$ a week on clothes at the mall. She’s got to be kidding me.Really? We used to have $$$$ then. Now we don’t. I know the difference.

 

Never Doubt Your Faith.

Screenshot_414 Just recently I had what you would describe as a crisis of faith of sorts. It wasn’t that I ever doubted God though or my faith in Him, but rather  doubts within myself and my own reasoning the physical(evidence) was contradicting with the spiritual and I was torn and didn’t know what to believe and then a small, still voice impressed upon my heart: Never doubt your faith. Never doubt, most importantly, your faith in God, but also never doubt your faith in yourself and your abilities, capabilities, strength, resilience, endurance, and worth, and don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.

Screenshot_413 I had been praying for a sign of roses from St. Therese that the lump under Buddy’s eye wasn’t cancer and he wasn’t dying anytime soon and I did keep seeing, everywhere, online, on TV, in ads, outside, in various colours, an obvious sign from St. Therese, even praying hands holding a rose, now that’s pretty obvious, and as about as clear as an answer and reassurance could be….

and yet…..

I was still afraid he had cancer and was dying because despite the answer to my prayer and despite my strong faith, the physical signs worried me greatly and caused me doubt, What if this  time it’s wrong?  What if it really wasn’t St. Therese who sent me the roses as a sign but someone else did, to deceive me? etc. and all kinds of doubts and fears plagued me and I wasn’t sure what to think and what to believe anymore and then I felt so guilty, so weak, that my faith  had been put to the test like that and I was struggling so much,losing, and that my doubts were seemingly stronger than my faith…I needed something concrete  I could hold on to for hope.

Buddy6

As it turned out my prayers were answered and the signs were legit: Buddy’s lump is much smaller and shrinking down now(and he’s feeling better today too and back to eating again) and if it was a tumour it wouldn’t just heal like that on it’s own, not without Divine healing, unless, of course, when I blessed him the other day,laid my hands on him and prayed a healing prayer over him God healed him? Either way, I’m just thankful and I just have to remember to never doubt my faith.

The Same Country.

Screenshot_372 This is the photo the oldest (pictured here, my God, I can’t believe it, but he’s going to be 30 next YR!!) on his balcony with SNOW in the background, from yesterday!! Yup, you read that right: yesterday! In September! Well, it is Canada though, and he( along with the 20 YR old) live in Edmonton, which gets snow really early compared to the rest of the country…..

meanwhile…..

Screenshot_373 after I finished laughing my ass off I sent him this photo in reply: of me here, still outside suntanning(ha, ha, sucker!), as that’s what the weather’s like here, and has been for the past week, and is supposed to continue to be for the next few days: hot, in the high 20’s or even 30 C range, with the humidex 33 C or so.It’s snowing where he is and scorching hot here. I can’t believe we live in the same country. I’m not sure if it’s Indian Summer or not though; is it too early(does it have to be later in fall?)  and is this just mere still summer lasting longer, and the heat of summer with it, and it has been a really hot, oppressive summer this YR, which means that next summer should be cooler, and this winter should be milder and less snow, because I’ve noticed a pattern; that’s how it seems to go, in a cycle, alternating every other YR.

I also saw Buddy attempting to jump up onto the rocking chair but he missed and I noticed he’d hit the bridge of his big nose (he’s a Dachshund, and they have big long noses) on the wooden chair and sort of “bounced” off backwards and the thought then occurred to me: could the lump under his eye possibly be an injury from that? Maybe he’s done this before (back in July, the last time he had it) hitting his nose resulting in swelling/bruise under his eye, like I had when I had a broken nose and ended up with black eyes…. I blessed him with holy water as well and laid my hands on him and said a healing prayer over him and I think it looks like the lump might actually even be a little smaller today, and after praying to St. Therese (who is known for sending roses as a sign) for reassurance he’s ok and it’s NOT cancer I keep on seeing LOTS of roses in various colours in various locations, and even one online that was a praying hands holding a rose. If that’s not an answer to prayer….I just love him so much I have so much to lose.

 

Failure.

Screenshot_284 This is my sole sunflower/ Still no signs of any flower yet. I think it must be broken.Failure to thrive.Just like me. Yet  another failure of mine. I seem to screw up everything I try. Nothing ever just goes right or works out for me or goes the way it’s supposed to. I also thought I might die this week and yet the first week of September has come and gone and I’m still here. Talk about disappointment. I always get my hopes up and then they end up dashed.I feel like God’s almost stringing me along and then nothing.  All of a sudden today my stomach just started to really hurt as well and then felt like I was going to barf. I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m a failure.

As a daughter.

As a wife.

As a mother.

As me.

In life.

Screenshot_283 I don’t usually like to take photos or “Selfies” of myself due to my looks but this one actually didn’t turn out half-bad considering, so here goes. This is a rare photo of me. One of my cousins in Europe her son started university as well(he’s taking accounting) and I had a dream that Ottawa is going to have some sort of attack although I wasn’t sure if it was like some of aerial attack like in war, or whether it was a bombing or other sort of terrorist attack, but it was big. I hope not though. Funny,too: the pool guy was here to close up for the season and at first I didn’t even see him there but I did see Buddy trying to sneak downstairs to the basement( and there’s paint, sharp things, poison things, mouse traps,etc. down there) so I yelled at him, Hey, you can’t go down there! and the pool guy goes, Sorry…… and then I realized he thought I was talking to him and I had to tell him, Oh! Sorry! I didn’t see you. Not you; I was talking to the dog!

Buddy1 Here is a cute, sweet photo I took of Buddy. His sore toe still bothers him and he limps along and his walks are shorter now as he heals and last night in bed he hobbled over to me and snuggled into my arms in the cradling “baby” position he wants to be held in when he’s scared or in pain, which is reclining on his back cradled in my arm like a baby. It makes him feel safe, secure, and comforted.Needless to say, it was an uncomfortable position for me to try to sleep so I wasn’t able to fall asleep until something like 1 am. I also prayed to God asking Him of all of the religions which one has the most truth and is the most pleasing to Him and I felt the answer: The one that shows the most love. So I would take that to mean the one that’s most loving, caring, compassionate, welcoming, forgiving,merciful, inclusive, accepting, non-judgemental, and charitable.