Half A Headache.

SunflowerShirtShelfies Yesterday I had half a headache. Well, not really half a headache but rather a full headache but it was oddly only on one half of my head! I don’t ever remember having one like this ever before, where it’s only one one side; I normally have it all over but this one was weird, just on the left side.It wasn’t a migraine or anything; just a headache, but it actually felt like my head had been divided clearly into 2 halves and divided down the middle and sectioned off so that the headache was contained just on the left side and the right side was totally unaffected. It was the weirdest thing and after I took pills it did go away….but then my abdomenal pain was back(and I’m still bleeding a bit,too) so it’s always something. I don’t think I’ve had a pain-free day in I don’t know how long.

I also ordered this custom-made sunflower T-shirt (at the same place I got my hippo shirt for my Christmas gift which has just been shipped out but the mail is still on strike so who knows when it will show up…) for my birthday gift from my hubby. My hubby also went to a meeting at church to register the 11 YR old for Confirmation. I’d filled everything out and he just had to drop it off but he didn’t want to and told me to walk up there instead  and do it even though it was at 7 pm and I don’t feel safe walking alone in the dark and we don’t let the girls walk home alone in the dark(coming home from work, for example) and either he picks them up or the 24 YR old walks up and meets them so why is it any different for me? I still don’t want to get raped or killed either.It’s just not safe for a woman or girl to be out alone at night once it’s dark. I guess he doesn’t care if anything happens to me. 😦

NOTE: I originally had more posted here, a couple of more paragraphs, but I just noticed now they have been deleted,STUFF IS NOW MISSING and when I checked my stats it said it was edited at 1 am and it wasn’t by me.. Some asshole in my shitty family has been monitoring,censoring, and editing and deleting my blog. f*ck you ASSHOLES! No wonder I hate you.If you keep trying to censor me I will just keep putting it back up.You will not silence me.If you don’t want me to post shitty things you do then maybe you should stop doing so many shitty things!!

Here is the missing part:

As well, one of the kids told me that the 19 YR old's BF is posessive and controlling, which are red flags for abuse, incl. warning for predictable future physical abuse: apparantly he isolates her from family and friends, that he's the real reason she didn't come up for Thanksgiving and isn't coming for Christmas, and he won't "let" her be friends with guys, only girls, and even then only 2 at a time and only people that he pre-approves, and every day he goes thru her phone and text messages and "screens"  and monitors them,etc.... I don't know if any of this is actually even true or not; it's just what I've been told,but it's concerning, and all the kids have been caught lying, making shit up, telling stories, causing drama, and telling tall tales, and getting eachother into trouble, so I don't know <em>what</em> to believe anymore,and when I asked the others they said it's <em>not</em> true, and I hope it's not, but if there is any truth to it, it really worries me as it's <strong>NOT</strong> a healthy or safe relationship. I don't know why she'd put up with this kind of crap though, and she's a pretty girl and would have her pick of any guy she'd want and wouldn't have to settle for anything less, so it doesn't make any sense, but it worries me...what if it really is true?... why do they always put me thru so much stress and worry all the time?

Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?

Ovarian Cyst.

Screenshot_699 Yesterday I had my pelvic ultrasound to see if they can find the cause of my abdomenal pain and as soon as the tech put the wand on my belly and saw something she asked me if I would mind doing a trans-vaginal scan(the one where the wand is shoved up my you-know-what) as it shows a more clearer detailed image  and when I asked her what part she’s looking at she said the cyst on my ovary. So there you have it. That must be it. That must be the issue, what’s been causing my abdomenal pain and maybe even my really sore lower back as well, maybe it’s grown and gotten bigger in size and is pressing on other organs now, or maybe it’s twisting at times, or maybe it’s not even a mere cyst anymore and has become a cancerous tumour now? Maybe I have ovarian cancer?

The entire scan was focused solely on the cyst as well, whereas originally I thought it was of the pelvic organs in general, so they must have found something and they said my doctor gets the results in about a week. As I inserted the wand into my yoo-hoo and the tech was twisting and turning it around I also cracked, This is the most action I’ve had in years! and she started cracking up laughing. At least if it does turn out to be the cyst or a tumour, on my ovary(and she said it is on the right side,too, where my pain is) it’s easy enough to fix: just remove it!

I think I may have had seizures again overnight last night as I was sleeping as well as I kept waking up during the night due to a massive headache I first had at 1 am but also every time I’d awaken I remember my arms and legs and muscles were all rigid and stiff,too, as if I was just coming out of a seizure, which might also explain why I kept waking up and why I’m so tired all day today,and maybe also the reason for the bad headache? My hubby also likes to mock my religious beliefs and faith and he also taunts that I’m not a “good” Christian and I won’t make it to Heaven and I don’t obey God because I have tattoos, use medical marijuana, and wear two different fabrics at the same time, and uses all kinds of silly little nit-picking “technicalities” to try and prove I’m not following the Bible, but who is he to say, or to judge, though? He doesn’t even go to church, hasn’t been to Confession in years, and doesn’t even give a shit about God and religion, so what “qualifications” does he have to judge anyone or to say who gets in to Heaven,anyway?

As well, the 17 YR old left her tacos in the microwave  after they were done and I needed to use it so I just took them out and placed them on the counter beside the microwave and then she gets all bitchy and snarky and huffs that now it’s all contaminated and ruined because I touched it and that I’m disgusting and now she has to throw it out, and goes on and on, as if I have cooties, or leprosy, or something, like I’m a leper, or one of the Untouchables, like in the Bible when a leper approaches a camp and the people shield their faces,backing away and shout, Unclean! Unclean! Why are they so mean to me though? What exactly is their problem? Maybe it simply comes down to this: they’re just mean people and I’m an easy target.Or maybe my kids just suck?

Tomorrow recreational marijuana is legalized as well and so I will expect a haze of smoke wafting over the entire country in celebration as we celebrate accordingly….Peter Tosh would have been so happy.

 

Shirley Fall.

Screenshot_692 It is surely fall. This is what I woke up to yesterday morning. Yes, that’s right, it was below freezing!  When I took Buddy out for his early morning walk we froze our asses off. I put his warm wool sweater on him and I had to wear my heavy wool sweater, hat and mitts! I also finally took the A/C out of my window the other day as the cold wind blowing thru the cracks made my bedroom freezing cold during the night and last night I still even had to have my little heater on in my room and the furnace even came on for the first time too! It’s officially fall now,and you can tell it looks and feels like it now, all dull, cold, windy, rainy, with coloured leaves all over and you can smell and fell a briskness and chill in the air.

Winter is coming!

Screenshot_693 Another sign of fall: now I’m wearing leggings and thick warm socks. No more shaving my legs or nail polish on my toenails anymore now until spring.My legs hibernate over the winter. I wish I could,too.

Screenshot_694 Look! Pumpkin cheesecake! We had this for our Sunday dessert yesterday. It was just so good, it was beyond words.It’s a good thing it wasn’t a Weed Day or else I probably would have eaten the whole thing. In church yesterday there was also this guy sitting in front of me who had this tattoo on the back of his neck and I spent the entire time trying to figure out what it said but I never could as the script wasn’t in English and usually I’m pretty good with languages but I couldn’t figure this out and didn’t even recognize it what language it was, the letters look almost inverted, reversed and upside down, so maybe it was some sort of gang symbolism or something, I don’t know….it was almost like some sort of secret code and I spent the entire hour trying to figure it out. It doesn’t take much to amuse me, ha,ha.

My hubby and the girls were making fun of me as well as I got the A-B-C order mixed up and thought M came before L and that I always have to recite the Alphabet Song to remember and figure out which letter comes next and they laugh at me and call me stupid even though I have White Matter Decline(which is similar to Alzheimer’s but affects a different part of the brain) and can’t help it, but they like to say it’s because I’m a pothead, because then they can blame me for it and make me look bad,shame me, and say it’s my own dumb fault, and they’re always talking about Satan’s Day (Halloween) around me,too, purposely knowing it gets me upset as I don’t want anything to do with the occult and I avoid it and then they mock and ridicule me for my religious faith and obedience(to stay away from anything occult) but I just ignore them, don’t give them the satisfaction, and just consider where it comes from.It doesn’t even deserve the dignity of a reply.I just pretend I don’t even hear them or just walk away. I care more about what God thinks(and thinks of me) than what they think,anyway.

He Sent Him.

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When I prayed for someone to love me God sent me Buddy, and when He sent him:

He sent someone to love me unconditionally.

He sent me a best friend.

He sent me a great listener.

He sent me the perfect companion.

He sent someone who will never “out-grow” cuddling.

He sent me a reason to get up every morning.

He brought light, joy,and love into my life.

He sent someone to love me when no one else would.

He sent me a friend that is loyal and will never hurt or betray me.

He gave me someone to dote on.

He gave me someone that needed me.

He gave me someone who loves me just as I am and doesn’t care what I look like, how much I weigh,how smart I am,how much money I have, what I’ve achieved, or that I’m crazy.

He sent me an example of pure selfless love.

He ended my loneliness and longing for love and friendship.

He gave life meaning again.

He gives me a reason to keep going each day.

He sent me my soulmate, only in animal form.

He sent someone who “gets” me.

He sent me a friend that will never wake up one day and suddenly decide he doesn’t like me anymore.

He sent someone to keep me company and someone to talk to.

He sent a friend to comfort me.

He sent someone that would return my love and not reject it.

He sent someone to make me smile and laugh.

He sent someone who misses me when I leave and is happy to see me when I return.

He sent me someone who loves me more than they love themselves.

He sent someone to love.

He sent LOVE.

Thank you, God.

Our Thanksgiving.

Screenshot_613 Yesterday we had Thanksgiving. What I’m most thankful for is Buddy; that God gave him to me so that someone still does  love me when no one else would (or could) love me, and for my strong faith, even if I struggle personally and have a crisis of faith or have doubts it’s in myself and in my own abilities and strengths; never in God’s, and it’s only because of Him and His provisions, protection, guidance, warnings,blessings,love,and wisdom that I have the endurance I’ve had in order to still be here, despite always struggling to find joy and purpose in life.

Screenshot_616 This is but a small sample of our big Thanksgiving feast we had for dinner. Besides us we also had my father-in-law over.  We had something like 6 turkeys, 5 hams, 6 pumpkin pies( my FAVE!!!!) 2 kinds of veggie, 2 kinds of potatoes, buns, stuffing, etc. It was a feast fit for a king! I heard the kids talking as well how “small” our family is now, now there’s only 4 of them left at home with all of the others having moved out or away(and too far to be able to just visit for a weekend), either at school(and the 2 away at school either phoned or live-video chatted to us back home for today,too, and the 19 YR old had her Thanksgiving and dinner with her BF and his family, so she wasn’t alone) and how it feels so weird now. and how now there’s so much room around the table! and We’re not all squished in now!  and remember when all the kids all lived here at the same time? but they sounded like they were being nostalgic though, like they missed it, like I do, longing for the Old Days, missing their siblings and fondly remembering their childhood and it made me smile.

The 23 YR old was sadly sick with a cold up in bed in his room all day so he missed dinner and I’d mentioned to my mother how without him at the table( as both him and my hubby when they both get together are really  trouble!) it’s not as likely they’ll act like such losers…. and then, just then as I said that….

A dinner roll comes sailing past from the dining room into the kitchen.

Ok, nevermind.

Today’s also supposed to get up to 27 C with a humidex of 35 C and the same tomorrow ( so definitely OUTSIDE DAYS!) and then cool back down to 13 C and stay there, at the average , and for the past few days I’ve had increasing belly pain too ,and swollen and distended stomach above belly-button area and now it even hangs over like a big ‘ol beer gut! I swear to God, I kid you not ,and not sure if it was my stomach ulcer or my liver, both I’ve had recurring issues with but I think it’s my liver as now the pain has also gone down along the right side too, along the path of the liver…and when it’s my ulcer it gives me a bit of relief after I eat but with this there’s no difference, and, actually feels worse around an hour after I ate.

I got an answer as well to my prayer about revealing the truth regarding a serious accusation against me I can’t remember and am unsure if it’s because of my memory issues or because it never happened and the answer pressied on my heart as:  ———(the accuser) has a mental illness.Sometimes their mind gets ‘jumbled’ up, like yours does, and they can’t tell what’s real from what’s  just in their mind. There’s no malicious intent; they really do believe it but their mind is playing tricks on them, and the reason you don’t remember doing it is because you didn’t and it never happened.

Holy shit! I wonder though…. maybe? It might help to explain it, and why it doesn’t make sense, add up, and contradicts with my memory and the memory of a witness who was there at the time. If that’s true then that makes me feel better, knowing I didn’t do anything horrible like that, that I’m not such a terrible person I could do something so awful and then just forget all about it like it was nothing at all.I have nothing to feel guilty, horrible, ashamed and suicidal about because I didn’t actually do anything bad and nothing happened…..

….and yet….

….due to my own struggles with my own mind I still questioned it, had self doubts, wondered, Could it have been possibleAm I really this horrible person only I just don’t know it? No wonder everyone hates me. Am I capable of this?  and doubting my own mind, my own memories, my own realities, my own perception, my own reasoning, everythingI am a crazy person, afterall, so anything is possible I guess…. even though I knew in my heart that wasn’t me, that’s not who I am, and I knew there’s no way I would have or could have done those things, and I feel like to cry even just thinking about it, and yet my own insecurities, self-doubts, lack of confidence, and struggles with sanity still  made me question the possibility, or at the very least my ability to correctly remember,process, or at least interpret it.

My mother also got mad at me and goes on this rant how I’m a Shop-a-holic and I love to over-spend and she goes on and on, when all I did was spend a whole 7.00$ at the Dollar Store to buy Buddy a dog toy. Wow….. a whole 7.00$! Come on….. is she serious? and then she goes on to berate me, saying I’m still the same as I was in Toronto and Ottawa ( when we used to have $$$$$$ which we don’t now) such as how I’d spend1-2 hundred $$ a week on clothes at the mall. She’s got to be kidding me.Really? We used to have $$$$ then. Now we don’t. I know the difference.