Why Wait?

Screen Shot 10-07-17 at 08.27 AM I was thinking if the biopsy of my polyp and colon lining turns out I do have cancer afterall, which is what I actually expect considering the rectal bleeding, massive weight loss, diarrhrea, abdomenal pain, polyp, and family history of colon cancer, I’ve decided before I die things I’d like to do to enjoy what time I do have left incl. renting a Mustang or SmartCar and driving to Toronto to see my old house and spend a day in my old neighbourhood, going to the nail salon and having a French Manicure, going to Jamaica and being back in the Caribbean in my fave. place on the beach watching the sunset, etc, things I love and enjoy and that make me happy, and then the thought occurred to me….why wait? Why have to wait until I’m dying before I do these things? Why can’t I just do them now regardless, other than for financial reasons, esp. the Jamaica trip; if it’s going to bring some joy and happiness into my life why should I have to wait until my life is ending and almost over before I do the things I love? Why shouldn’t I be doing them all along, all thru my life? Why save it all up and wait until the end? Why not try and enjoy living right now,too, in the moment?

I also decided if it turns out a false alarm and I don’t have cancer (and if I don’t then my hubby probably really is poisoning me afterall as that would also explain my symptoms and deterioration over the past months; the drastic weight loss, abdomenal pain, bleeding, diarrhrea, feeling tired, run-down, listless, and drained…) then maybe it’s a chance to start over again, a new life, a second chance, to find happiness , independence,and freedom in my life like I’ve always wanted but always seem to be held back and prevented from. Perhaps I can maybe even try to get a driver’s license like I’ve always wished I had but never attempted due to my perception problem? Maybe I can attempt a driving course and get my license which would afford me more freedom and independence and I could just take off on the open road, windows open, music blaring, with the wind in my hair, I’d feel so free…. I pray to God either way to give me the strength ,guidance,direction,means,courage,and ability that I need to make the necessary changes and to start over again and to find happiness one way or the other. I’ve given up on ever finding love but maybe I can at least find some happiness, freedom, independence, and peace in some way, whether I die soon and find joy in Heaven or am somehow able to break free of this toxic environment and start over with a new beginning somehow because I’ve reached a point now where I’ve just had enough and  I just don’t give a f*ck anymore and just want to walk away and never look back. I’m just so done.

I woke up with a bad headache as well incl. stabbing pain behind my right eye and I’ve had a headache ever since I fainted and hit my head a week and a half ago(but it finally doesn’t hurt anymore unless I touch it now) so it may or may not be related, and in church before Mass we were reciting the Rosary and for a few seconds there wires must have crossed in my head or something because I suddenly didn’t understand the words and what everyone was saying in unison sounded like jibberish (and I also felt really sweaty) even though this is something I know by heart and then it was ok,  and I hadn’t heard the John Fogerty song The Old Man Down The Road in something like 35 years and I’m glad since I hate that song and I find it really annoying and it bugs me but lately all of a sudden I keep hearing it on the radio alot and so it makes me wonder if it’s trying to tell me something in the lyrics perhaps, but the only thing I could possibly see in it is where it says  about gotta run, gotta hide… that’s most of my life; running and hiding, fleeing danger so I wonder if there’s yet another  danger just ahead…great….that’s all we need!

My hubby and the 14 YR old were also hassling me about Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) because I don’t celebrate it and they like to taunt me about it so I just walked away and left the room, trying to avoid conflict and not give them the satisfaction. I don’t need this and I’m not putting up with their shit. I’ve had enough. Ignore the assholes. Just consider where it comes from. They’re not worth it. My mother had also asked my hubby to bring up the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner upstairs from the freezer as both her and I get out of breath going up and down stairs and of course he forgot and didn’t and then he went out so she grumbled that she had to do it and I told her just to have the 10 YR old do it; he’s young and strong and goes up and down the stairs all the time and this is something that he is capable of doing and can do to help but she would have none of it; he’s her little precious and she doesn’t dare want him doing any WORK,and when I asked her why she doesn’t want him to she sniffled, I just don’t!…. yet then complained how now she had to do it and how exhausted she was and how she always has to pick up the slack,etc, playing the victim and martyr when really it’s her own doing; she just makes more work for herself when she doesn’t have to and then complains about it!

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Cheap.

Screen Shot 09-16-17 at 08.19 AM I noticed on the church bulletin that funeral Masses cost 300$ but if you just have a Mass said for your intention,say like for your soul, then it’s only 20$ so I’ll probably end up going with that option because it saves $$$$. I can’t even afford to die. My God, I’m so cheap, or maybe it’s just that I’m poor, and I never have enough $$$ and can’t afford anything but I always have to do everything I can to try and save $$$ and make things last as long as they can and stretch everything out further. For instance, I cut the Poptarts in half so they last longer. I re-use plastic baggies rather than just using them once and throwing them out. I re-use paper towel as well unless it’s wet. I only buy stuff on sale,and that incl. all of our groceries. If I see coins on the street I pick them up. Buy stuff used.Buy in bulk.Now I sort of remind myself of those friends I had when I was younger and how their parents told them to walk on the grass so their shoes would last longer and not wear out, and like my Scottish uncle used to say, I’m not cheap; I’m thrifty!

As well, as I was outside enjoying the return of summer-y warm weather I turned on my iPod to listen to some music and I felt this pain in my baby finger; it felt like it was being cut by glass even though it didn’t make any sense and when I looked down to see  what the…..????? I saw a wasp there so I knew I’d been stung and after a few minutes not one, but two elevated bumps with a dot in the middle showed up, so I was stung twice! I tend to react allergically too so I took a Benedryl to lessen it but even so my poor finger really swelled up so much it felt like it was going to split! It really hurt,too, more than usual, I think due to the location, that the baby finger is so small.

I also remember that my Topamax that I take for my migraines( and that also helps my bi-polar) can cause kidney damage, incl. kidney stones, so that could be what’s causing my issues, or maybe it’s even just my stomach ulcer back again, although the pain is lower down, below the belly-button, not above it,  and my gut-feeling is that it’s cancer and I’m dying, but it could just be wishful thinking too, just hoping that I’m dying soon, sort of like when you’re a little kid and you think that if you want something badly enough, hope for it enough and wish for it badly enough that you can will it to happen and make it happen…it could be true, but it may all just be in my head,too….I’ll know soon enough though, once I get the CT scan results…but I know that it’s something; that something’s causing me to have all the symptoms and to feel the way I do, and why I’m declining day by day and feel like the life is being drained out of me…

Book Review: The Ebb Tide.

Screen Shot 08-29-17 at 07.45 AM I finally got to read Beverly Lewis’ newest Amish-themed novel The Ebb Tide ( her latest is coming out next week! I wonder how long until I get to read that one?) My hubby said  he’d ordered it, but that was way back in April so I just thought he said that but didn’t really but it finally showed up! It took me 2 days to read instead of the usual day because it came later in the day so it was broken up over a period of 2 days.

Sallie is a young Amish woman who has wanderlust and has always dreamed of travel to faraway places,with a special longing for Australia and going to the beach and the ocean. Travel isn’t allowed for the Amish, who are expected to be uniform and conform, not be individual and dream of life away from the farm and community, but she hasn’t yet been baptized into the church, something that concerns her mother and that somehow always keeps getting delayed. Both these goals conflict.

Sallie has saved up enough $$$$ from her job as a waitress to finally fulfill her dream of going to Australia, with the plan when she returns to get baptized, but then her little nephew needs life-saving heart surgery and there isn’t enough $$$$ from the community fund so she donates the $$$$ she’s saved up for her trip. God has a way of working miracles and working things out for the good, however, and Sallie is overjoyed to be given the opportunity to be a nanny to a family over the summer that has a summer home at the beach, along the ocean, where she can partly fulfill her dream for travel, where she falls in love with the ocean and finds inner peace and contentment.

During the summer, Sallie also meets a Mennonite marine biologist named Kevin who is continuing his studies and shares Sallie’s love of the ocean and travel. The two become close and Sallie realizes she cares for him more than a friend and breaks things off, figuring they come from 2 different worlds and can’t share a future. She returns home at the end of the summer and gets back to Amish life on the farm but her heart remains there and with Kevin. She tries to settle for an Amish guy ,planning to marry him, join the church and be content, but she can’t. Something beyond her world still continues to pull at her and eventually she and Kevin reconcile and marry and she joins his Mennonite church, allowing her more freedom and individuality, the ability to travel( and with his job they are always living along the ocean coastline) but at the same time still living a life faithful to God, and as a bonus his parents even sent them on a trip to Australia for their honeymoon!

The Furnace.

Screen Shot 08-27-17 at 08.36 AM I still remember when I was a kid I was scared of the furnace at my grandparents’ house. It was similar to the one in the photo seen here. It was big and loud and scary. It rumbled and shook and made scary noises and it scared the shit out of me. It was like some sort of scary monster and I was scared to go down to the basement afraid that it would come to life and eat me. I wouldn’t even go down to the basement unless there was an adult with me I was so scared of the noisy terrifying furnace. It smelled bad too and I was convinced that it was out to get me. I even had nightmares about it. For some reason though I wasn’t afraid of the furnaces at my aunts and uncles houses, just at my grandparents. I guess they just had regular furnaces, not the scary kind. It makes me laugh now to remember it, and it’s funny the things you can still remember from your childhood.

I also remember the Lava Game where you place pillows on the floor and you have to hop from pillow to pillow and can’t touch the floor otherwise you fall in lava. My own kids play that same game,too, so it must be some sort of universal kid thing. I also thought I had rabid dogs living under my bed( a fear I developed because I actually really did see 2 rabid dogs in the school yard fighting during recess one day and there was blood all over the snow and it was scary and they called us to get back into the school early) and I had to turn the light off at one end of my room and quickly make a run for it and take a flying leap and jump into my bed from across the room and not stand next to it or else they’d grab me by my ankles and pull me under the bed. I also had an unusual fear of earthquakes and quicksand, likely from movies I’d seen. It’s funny the things that play on your mind and scare you when you’re a kid.

As well, a Facebook friend who lives in Texas got her house badly flooded with the hurricane and they lost everything; the water was as high as the toilet and it was everywhere and they got evacuated, and my hubby said he could finally drive me to church(after having to walk for the past 2 months but I still get tired and out of breath and prefer a ride if I can get one and don’t want to walk if I don’t have to) but then of course just before it was time for me to go he conveniently had to go out somewhere and left so I had to end up walking afterall, and he never even came to pick me up afterwards either, using the excuse he was going to, but I came home before he could…..yeah….right… we also had a guest priest this week and he had this nice French accent and even did part of the Mass in French which was kind of cool, and I realized too when I prayed to God to send me someone to show me love, compassion and kindness and to show me I’m worth loving that He already did: Jesus and Buddy! The 22 YR old also says it was a “waste” of $$$$ the oldest kids’ university degrees as their jobs have nothing to do with their degrees or the field they studied in but I don’t think that education is ever a waste.

My First Child.

Screen Shot 08-13-17 at 08.27 AM  I can’t believe that my oldest will be 28 in 2 more months.That’s older than me when he was born. I was 22, just 3 months away from turning 23. Here he is around age 14. It was a special experience raising him, partly because he was my first child so everything was new and it was a new and exciting adventure and also because he was such a good baby and a good little kid and so smart and so easy, so it was a joy raising him. I really enjoyed raising him and it was fun. I’m so lucky,and so glad, that he was my first. Others that followed some have been really difficult; difficult to feed, criers, screamers, fussy, defiant, destructive,colicky, …..but not him, even as a baby he would eat well, quickly, and with gusto, and go back to sleep and wake up right on time for his next feeding, and I’m lucky that the first one was one of the easy ones. God knew what He was doing.

I still remember the surprise when the pregnancy test stick turned blue, and back then you had to do a series of 3 steps and wait 30 minutes for the result to show up so it was really nerve-wracking.The first time I tried though it came up negative, so it must have been too early. I was surprised, It actually worked! We made a baby! I have a little human being inside me! I just couldn’t believe it! Working with God we created life! Then when I felt and saw him moving around inside me it was just magical, and when I left the hospital after his birth (back then I had to stay in 3 days) I remember thinking, I can’t believe I actually get to take him home with me! and I was full of so much excitement for this new adventure, and he didn’t disappoint.

Every milestone with him was special because he was my first and I was learning as I went along but he made it so fun and so easy that even the rigorous demands of a newborn( the constant feedings, getting up during the night, being sleep deprived and exhausted,etc..) were enjoyable because he was just so good and such a delight and it was such a wonder watching him grow and develop. It was a blessing and a gift that I got to raise him and it was such an amazing experience. He turned out ok too so I guess I must have done something right. He was sort of like our “experiment” being the first, but luckily he came thru it unscathed. I really enjoyed raising him.

As well, my mother and the 22 YR old went to a local  rib fest and they only had 5 vendors, not like in Toronto where they have lots, but I didn’t go as I can’t walk that far and my hubby was too busy to drive, and it was really redneck anyway; they also had beer, cornbread and beans and had a mechanical bull! Buddy seems better now too; he’s eating again and more lively, so maybe he just had a virus or an  upset stomach or something, and my hubby said he could drive me to church yesterday too but he didn’t, so I had to walk and then I saw him drive right by me as I was walking…..and he never even stopped to pick me up along the way and I was soooo pissed off and he never even picked me up after,either,and I felt dizzy and faint all day…..and it was a special Mass as well with the Archbishop ( the same one who Confirmed me all those years ago; he’s been there for decades) and 10 priests, incl. the one who was here when we first moved here….and  the Grumpy Old Fart,too! It was really beautiful and inspirational, the kind of thing that gives me goosebumps.

The Coach.

Screen Shot 08-09-17 at 08.44 AM This week the 16 YR old was to be coaching cheerleading to kids ages 4-10 but she could only take 2 days and then she quit. She said it was awful and it reminds her of why she doesn’t like kids. She says they’re annoying and bratty (but isn’t that just the way kids usually are?) although I don’t know if they actually were being little brats or not (since I wasn’t there and didn’t see) or whether they were simply just being kids. Kids, for instance, naturally are loud, boisterous, talk alot, fidgety, can’t keep still, sit for long or pay attention for too long, and have short attention spans. Needless to say, she’s one of the kids that’s decided she doesn’t want kids of her own , seeing how much trouble they (her and her siblings) were growing up and all the trouble they gave me, not wanting to go thru all that shit herself!

As well, the 10 YR old’s at Bible camp, and I had this really bad headache yesterday too that was sooo bad that nothing got rid of it; not even Tylenol, not even weed; it wasn’t a migraine though, it felt different, more like maybe a bad sinus headache or like when my BP shoots up really high, that sort of headache feeling. Buddy could sense it as well and knew something was wrong and I wasn’t feeling well ( I would place the pain level at a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale) and he was very agitated, and kept pawing at me and whimpering and barking, like he was either trying to warn me, keep me roused and conscious, or revive me….

I also decided about the 14 YR old’s family therapy and how I always feel attacked, blamed and how it’s destructive to me , demoralizing and bringing the suicidal feelings back again, instead of not going at all anymore what I decided I’ll do(after much prayer and contemplation and revelation) is commit myself to one more session, to give it a try and if it gets too overwhelming  or I’m blamed or feel attacked then I’ll just get up and walk out of the room and go sit in the waiting room , leaving them in there to finish without me. If it’s not healthy for me I shouldn’t have to subject myself to something that’s harmful to my mental well-being, destructive to me, and detrimental to my well-being. I doubt it’ll go too well or last for long though as the therapist and I clash and I don’t think I can work with her, esp. now that there’s this “wall” of hostility, mistrust, and suspicion between us. I’ll try 1 more and see how it goes, with the option of just walking out.

I asked the 14 YR old if she even wants me to go to the therapy sessions, or if she even cares if I go or not, or would she mind if I stopped going, and she said, You should be there which may(…..or may not) mean she wants me to be there, that it’ll be helpful to her recovery, in which case puts me in a bad place as I’m then expected to be forced to endure this therapy, which for me is a form of torture, of mental breakdown and anguish, week after week after week, until it just obliterates me completely, taking away what little is left of me, when my natural instinct when I feel threatened or under attack is Run! and to get away from the source of harm, not to keep torturing myself with it over and over every week. I feel I’m expected to give up my own well-being, endanger my own mental health and be stripped of any sense of self at all, just obliterate who I am, but if I must sacrifice myself  in order for her to fully recover then I will, even if it kills me. Her recovery is what matters most,and I’m a lost cause, anyway…

It’s “funny” too how even strangers on the Internet are kinder to me than my own family?  I never could get over that. Other than my dog, no one cares whether or not I live or die.

Pay To Pray.

Screen Shot 08-01-17 at 08.14 PM I read an article a Jewish journalist wrote and he said that it’s expensive to be Jewish,  and that’s why He thinks many Jews are Jews in name only but not actually practicing their faith, such as going to synagogue. He said that to go to the synagogue and attend religious services you actually have to pay a membership fee, sort of like at a country club, costing into the thousands of dollars a year, and that to attend the holy days (such as Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah) you have to buy a ticket, at the cost of hundreds of dollars, pricing many people out. I was really surprised and never knew that. Unlike the Christian and Muslim places to worship where your monetary contribution is voluntary, and you’re not prevented from attending because you can’t afford the membership fee. I’ve never heard anything like it and I think it’s sad. I had no idea. Seems discriminatory to me.Only for those with $$$$. The Old Marxist in me is pissed-off.

I don’t think that you should have to pay to pray. In our church we’re obligated to donate 10% of our income but we’re not audited(although in the Mormon church they do; they actually audit you where once a year the bishop sits each congregation member down in his office and reviews his finances to make sure their tithing is all “up to date” and if you haven’t paid the full 10% you can’t go to the temple) or prevented from worshipping if you don’t donate or pay a certain amount. I think that’s awful. What about the devout but poor widow? or the pensioner? or the immigrant? or the single parent? or the large family? or the guy that got laid off? I’m sure that there are many devoutly religious who are being prevented from going to the temple due to financial restrictions and that only the wealthy can afford memberships at the Jewish synagogues just makes me sad and I feel badly for the others and I try to imagine how I’d feel if I’d have to pay something like 1500$ a yr to go to church and then hundreds of $$$$ extra to go to Christmas and Easter Masses? I think it should be on a voluntary basis and you give what you can afford,without being called-out on it, shamed, made to feel guilty or cheap, and to worship freely, as God loves us without price. Whatever you choose to tithe should be between you and God.

As well, I got stung by a wasp! I was just laying out in the sun, minding my own business, and the mean little f*cker just landed on my leg and stung me for no reason! Now it’s all swollen up to a big bump  the size of a hard-boiled egg so I took a Benadryl. I also saw a cute little brown rabbit hopping around the neighbour’s yard and I’ve seen them in our own backyard at times, too, just wild, we had a BBQ as well and it was Buddy’s lucky day too because my hubby accidently dropped 3 hotdogs so guess who got them, and the 18 YR old also visited from camp.