BuddyLong Here is a funny photo of Buddy and the 16 YR old that the 14 YR old took. Look how extra long he is! I know he’s a Dachshund and he is long but in real life he’s still not quite this long, like he appears in the picture. Here he looks like he’s 2-3 times longer than he actually is in real life. I suspect the photo has been “doctored” in some way, edited or Photoshopped, although the girls deny it. If not, then perhaps it’s just the angle, but either way he’s quite the longfellow, we could call him Stretch. I also picked 4 fleas off him in just the same day. Another sign spring is near(he was rolling around in the grass), along with the flock of geese I saw returning the other day and the birds that have come back.I like spring; it always shows new life, a promise of new hope and renewal after a long cold winter. It brings hope.

As well, I have the cold now that 3 of the kids had, now I’m sneezing, have a runny nose and a scratchy throat, and I felt really weird the other day too, just all of a sudden, really “creepy”(like how I did awhile ago in the CT scan) and hard to explain the feeling but the closest would be like when your BP drops suddenly and quickly so I checked it and it was a bit high actually but not concerning but my heart rate was low; 52(normal is 65 or so) and I checked online and anything below 60 is considered bradycardia, or low heart rate, also called Sick Sinus and low enough for a pacemaker, so it would also explain why I’m always so tired and feel like I’m going to faint when I stand up and that time why I did faint that time a few months ago, It will be interesting what the cardiologist says when I see him next month….

I also lost more weight again; I can tell as my rings are looser and so are my pants and my stomach looks flatter.I came across as well something called Addison’s Disease which means low  functioning adrenal glands and explains alot of my other symptoms and it makes sense if I have that as well esp. considering I did have issues with my adrenal gland before, incl. low levels of aldosterone.It also would explain the darkening patches I have on my skin…A cousin also informed us that my mother’s uncle( who was in his 90’s) died and so did another cousin’s ex-wife, who would just have been in her 60’s. I remember when their family first moved to this country when I was a teen and when they divorced she moved back to Europe and I think she remarried again.

I had these weird dreams as well, incl. the neighbour’s house next door was on fire and I could see the flames coming from their upstairs window, and another dream that the 23 YR old and his GF split up and I was sad because I like them together and they’re so cute, and another dream as well this family wanted a dog so they said about Buddy, We’ll just take this one! and I said, No you won’t! That’s MY dog, and if you touch him I’ll gut you like a fish! but somehow they did take him but he managed to escape and come back to me.I liked it in church yesterday too in the homily the deacon said that even thru suffering,trials, hardship, and pain you are never alone and that God is with you and Jesus suffered too and you are like a seed planted in darkness that is in a hostile environment yet one day will still blossom. I’m like that seed. I have been planted in darkness and I am waiting to blossom.




Never Good Enough.

IAm I was mentioning something or other about Heaven and my hubby snorted to me, Yeah….like you’re ever going to make it there!  I told him, What can you say? At least I have a strong faith in God, cultivate and nurture that faith, go to church, respect God, and don’t blaspheme holy things, unlike you! What an asshole, and who is he to say,anyway? Only God can judge and at least I try; I make an effort, work towards that goal and have tried to raise my kids godly. Even though they’ve turned away from it at least I did try. I’m really pissed-off though; who does he think he is to say I’m  not worthy of Heaven, that I’m not good enough to make it; what makes him think that he’s “qualified” to judge anybody? He’s a godless heathen! Ultimately,and what really matters, is what God thinks, not other people, and on Judgement Day we will all have to face Him and he doesn’t care if we’re pretty or popular, or smart, or successful; He will judge us on our heart; what we’re really like on the inside, on how much love we have, how much love we give, how kind we are, how compassionate and sympathetic, how we treat others, how much we do the right thing, even when no one else is looking, on our integrity and ethics, on how much we respect and obey Him, how strong our faith is, what kind of person we are…

As well, my hubby also made a snarky comment that I’m to blame, that it’s my fault for having White Matter Disease in my brain, causing me to be forgetful and confused like an old timer with Alzheimers and when I asked him, Really? So does that also mean if it turns out I have a heart defect, or even cancer, that that’s my fault,too?……and the asshole said, yes. Words can’t even begin to describe how miserably unhappy I am with him and how every second of every day I just can’t stand living under the same roof as him anymore(I can’t even bear to look  at him anymore) and just have to get out.I want to divorce his ass and start over; a new life, a new beginning, where I might actually have a shot at being happy but I can’t do it on my own; I need help. The other day Patti and I discussing my toxic family she also asked which of my kids is the nicest to me and I thought for a minute and it’s the oldest and the 18 YR old.

I went to the lab and had more blood work done again as well and got my heart CT scan app’t booked for next week and Patti said she should be able to find out in early March if her dog is pregnant or not….if Buddy is going to be a father…. if her dog is Buddy’s Baby Mama! I don’t really think she’s thought ahead about puppies though as with her perfectionist neat-freak obsessive personality I don’t think she’s aware how messy puppies are; they pee and shit everywhere and chew things up….that’s just going to drive her crazy. She also hadn’t thought ahead of the expenses,either; when we bred our Chihuahuas years ago back in the 80’s the mother needed to eat more prego, and calcium supplements in her diet as well as pre-natal vitamins and she needed an x-ray to check the pups and complications at birth she needed a cesarian with cost 800$ (and that was back then)…and it turned out she died and we had to hand-raise the puppies, incl. feeding them every 2-3 hours,incl. during the night, with a special formula and then they need 3 sets of vaccines before you can sell them at 8 weeks +….in a way it would sort of serve her right if after that she’s not even pregnant….ha,ha…

The Family Curse.

voodooDoll It would now seem that my family curse has now moved beyond me and been passed onto my kids as well: I’ve always been plagued by bad luck, misfortune, tragedy, things always going wrong, never going right or working out, been that unlucky one-out-of-a-million, etc. you get the idea, and now it’s happening to others in my family as well. I have always wondered if maybe I’ve been cursed, or if my parents were, as I don’t know honestly what else would cause such a lifetime of bad luck…. When my hubby and the girls stayed in Ottawa for the 16 YR old’s cheerleading competition on the weekend their hotel room had no heat and it was really cold. Of course everyone else’s rooms were ok and due to Winterlude the hotels were all booked up so they couldn’t even get another room. A guy came and tried to fix it but it only worked a bit and they were freezing all night.Just our luck. That’s the kind of thing that always happens to me. As well as that I found out the reason the 18 YR old didn’t get the editor position she applied for on her campus newspaper is because they never got the e-mail she sent applying for it so now she’s a columnist instead. Also the same thing that would happen to me. I guess now the curse is being passed down to the next generation….

The 16 YR old’s team won third place in the competition and she said to me the other day in a taunting way that I spent my entire life trying to be popular too but I didn’t; I never wanted or tried to be popular (those girls were mean and I never wanted to be a part of that) I just wanted to stop being bullied; I just wanted to be left alone. In Church yesterday they were also blessing throats and for other illnesses for the Feast Day of St. Blaise so I waited in line and went up for blessing as I need all the help I can get,and it worried me after Buddy did a shit as well and I wiped his ass ( because I don’t want skid marks on the furniture!) there was alot of blood but he seems ok otherwise and still eating so hopefully it was just something that he ate and nothing serious….

In Church we also had a reading from Job and it described me and my life and how I feel exactly:

“Is not all human life a struggle?
Our lives are like that of a hired hand,
like a worker who longs for the shade,
like a servant waiting to be paid.
I, too, have been assigned months of futility,
long and weary nights of misery.
Lying in bed, I think, ‘When will it be morning?’
But the night drags on, and I toss till dawn.
My body is covered with maggots and scabs.
My skin breaks open, oozing with pus.
Job Cries Out to God
“My days fly faster than a weaver’s shuttle.
They end without hope.
O God, remember that my life is but a breath,
and I will never again feel happiness.
Job 7: 1-7

The Relic.

Screen Shot 01-13-18 at 06.54 PM This is the mummified arm of St. Francis Xavier, a Catholic Saint. It has been preserved and what the Church refers to as “incorrupt.” The faithful come and venerate it to show respect and honour, as one would a king. It’s currently “on tour” if you will, across the country and is currently in Toronto now where they showed on the news this huge big long line-up of people patiently waiting to get a glimpse of it and to venerate it.

I just think that’s gross.

That’s one thing about my religion that I could never understand or relate to; relics. It just grosses me out to venerate dead body parts of anyone, Saints or otherwise. It also seems an awful lot like idol worship, when the only one we’re to worship is God, although it’s ok to show others respect God is the only one that you worship, and besides, the idea of being fascinated with, gawking at, lining up for, touching, venerating, or having any sort of curiousity with any part of a dead person just seems macabre, disturbing,and sick,, and as the 16 YR old would say, Too much H.B. (human body) and besides, I thought the Church said that people have to be buried( or cremated) anyway, and not to have their bodies disposed of in any other way,and I’d think that having them on display like some rare museum piece must be disrespectful to the dead, and to God, whom worship is due alone.

Screen Shot 01-13-18 at 06.52 PM This is also the 16 YR old’s new pet hamster. It’s only 9 weeks old so hopefully will live longer than her last one which only lived for a month or so. She named this one Aries. She has to keep it away from Buddy though and keep her bedroom door closed at all times, otherwise the poor little hamster will end up his appetizer. Isn’t it just the cutest thing though? It’s so fluffy and soft,too!

Trump also is now under fire for more racist comments, this time for referring to African-origin countries as Shithole countries and at first I just thought he meant poor underdeveloped Third World countries, like Banana Republics, which was insulting and bad enough(and not professional, diplomatic, or Presidential) but then found out it was actually racist,too; that he was actually talking about countries where Black people come from…..he’s such an asshole,and the only shithole is his mouth!



Screen Shot 12-01-17 at 06.51 PM I was disappointed to hear that Pope Francis didn’t use the term Rohingya (a persecuted Muslim minority in Myanmar who are victims of genocide) when he was in Myanmar recently as he was afraid that it would “offend” his hosts, even though speaking out against injustice and oppression is the right thing to do and what Jesus would have done; He wouldn’t have cared if people were offended; He wouldn’t hesitate to give a voice to the voiceless, to defend those that are being discriminated against and abused,to stand up for justice and human rights. I was very let down to see that the Pope sold-out and was more concerned about what people would think rather than doing what’s right, what a spiritual leader should do, what Jesus would do. It was nice to see him meet with Rohingya later in Bangladesh, but it would have held alot more significance if he had acknowledged and spoken out against their mistreatment in Myanmar. Take a stand.

Screen Shot 12-01-17 at 06.52 PM It was good news though to hear about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s engagement. When it seems lately all we hear is bad news it’s good to hear some happy news for once, and it’s also nice to see the Royals being more progressive and accepting as well. It was something like 70-80 years ago that an heir to the throne had to abdicate to marry the woman he loved as the Royal family didn’t approve or allow him to marry her as she was an American and divorced….the same as Meghan, who also happens to be half Black as well, which years ago would have been an issue( even though it shouldn’t be) so it’s good to see that they’ve learned and are now letting them marry  whoever they love, regardless of their nationality, race, or past marital status. I always thought Prince Charles should have been allowed to marry Camilla first time around too as she was the one he really loved, and it would have saved poor Diana all that heartache and mistreatment she endured. It ruined her life.

Funny as well: I was waking up, still half-asleep when I heard an ad on the radio for a car place and they said We service all makes and models but I thought I’d heard it as We service all naked models.


Why Wait?

Screen Shot 10-07-17 at 08.27 AM I was thinking if the biopsy of my polyp and colon lining turns out I do have cancer afterall, which is what I actually expect considering the rectal bleeding, massive weight loss, diarrhrea, abdomenal pain, polyp, and family history of colon cancer, I’ve decided before I die things I’d like to do to enjoy what time I do have left incl. renting a Mustang or SmartCar and driving to Toronto to see my old house and spend a day in my old neighbourhood, going to the nail salon and having a French Manicure, going to Jamaica and being back in the Caribbean in my fave. place on the beach watching the sunset, etc, things I love and enjoy and that make me happy, and then the thought occurred to me….why wait? Why have to wait until I’m dying before I do these things? Why can’t I just do them now regardless, other than for financial reasons, esp. the Jamaica trip; if it’s going to bring some joy and happiness into my life why should I have to wait until my life is ending and almost over before I do the things I love? Why shouldn’t I be doing them all along, all thru my life? Why save it all up and wait until the end? Why not try and enjoy living right now,too, in the moment?

I also decided if it turns out a false alarm and I don’t have cancer (and if I don’t then my hubby probably really is poisoning me afterall as that would also explain my symptoms and deterioration over the past months; the drastic weight loss, abdomenal pain, bleeding, diarrhrea, feeling tired, run-down, listless, and drained…) then maybe it’s a chance to start over again, a new life, a second chance, to find happiness , independence,and freedom in my life like I’ve always wanted but always seem to be held back and prevented from. Perhaps I can maybe even try to get a driver’s license like I’ve always wished I had but never attempted due to my perception problem? Maybe I can attempt a driving course and get my license which would afford me more freedom and independence and I could just take off on the open road, windows open, music blaring, with the wind in my hair, I’d feel so free…. I pray to God either way to give me the strength ,guidance,direction,means,courage,and ability that I need to make the necessary changes and to start over again and to find happiness one way or the other. I’ve given up on ever finding love but maybe I can at least find some happiness, freedom, independence, and peace in some way, whether I die soon and find joy in Heaven or am somehow able to break free of this toxic environment and start over with a new beginning somehow because I’ve reached a point now where I’ve just had enough and  I just don’t give a f*ck anymore and just want to walk away and never look back. I’m just so done.

I woke up with a bad headache as well incl. stabbing pain behind my right eye and I’ve had a headache ever since I fainted and hit my head a week and a half ago(but it finally doesn’t hurt anymore unless I touch it now) so it may or may not be related, and in church before Mass we were reciting the Rosary and for a few seconds there wires must have crossed in my head or something because I suddenly didn’t understand the words and what everyone was saying in unison sounded like jibberish (and I also felt really sweaty) even though this is something I know by heart and then it was ok,  and I hadn’t heard the John Fogerty song The Old Man Down The Road in something like 35 years and I’m glad since I hate that song and I find it really annoying and it bugs me but lately all of a sudden I keep hearing it on the radio alot and so it makes me wonder if it’s trying to tell me something in the lyrics perhaps, but the only thing I could possibly see in it is where it says  about gotta run, gotta hide… that’s most of my life; running and hiding, fleeing danger so I wonder if there’s yet another  danger just ahead…great….that’s all we need!

My hubby and the 14 YR old were also hassling me about Satan’s Day (Hallowe’en) because I don’t celebrate it and they like to taunt me about it so I just walked away and left the room, trying to avoid conflict and not give them the satisfaction. I don’t need this and I’m not putting up with their shit. I’ve had enough. Ignore the assholes. Just consider where it comes from. They’re not worth it. My mother had also asked my hubby to bring up the frozen turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner upstairs from the freezer as both her and I get out of breath going up and down stairs and of course he forgot and didn’t and then he went out so she grumbled that she had to do it and I told her just to have the 10 YR old do it; he’s young and strong and goes up and down the stairs all the time and this is something that he is capable of doing and can do to help but she would have none of it; he’s her little precious and she doesn’t dare want him doing any WORK,and when I asked her why she doesn’t want him to she sniffled, I just don’t!…. yet then complained how now she had to do it and how exhausted she was and how she always has to pick up the slack,etc, playing the victim and martyr when really it’s her own doing; she just makes more work for herself when she doesn’t have to and then complains about it!



Screen Shot 09-16-17 at 08.19 AM I noticed on the church bulletin that funeral Masses cost 300$ but if you just have a Mass said for your intention,say like for your soul, then it’s only 20$ so I’ll probably end up going with that option because it saves $$$$. I can’t even afford to die. My God, I’m so cheap, or maybe it’s just that I’m poor, and I never have enough $$$ and can’t afford anything but I always have to do everything I can to try and save $$$ and make things last as long as they can and stretch everything out further. For instance, I cut the Poptarts in half so they last longer. I re-use plastic baggies rather than just using them once and throwing them out. I re-use paper towel as well unless it’s wet. I only buy stuff on sale,and that incl. all of our groceries. If I see coins on the street I pick them up. Buy stuff used.Buy in bulk.Now I sort of remind myself of those friends I had when I was younger and how their parents told them to walk on the grass so their shoes would last longer and not wear out, and like my Scottish uncle used to say, I’m not cheap; I’m thrifty!

As well, as I was outside enjoying the return of summer-y warm weather I turned on my iPod to listen to some music and I felt this pain in my baby finger; it felt like it was being cut by glass even though it didn’t make any sense and when I looked down to see  what the…..????? I saw a wasp there so I knew I’d been stung and after a few minutes not one, but two elevated bumps with a dot in the middle showed up, so I was stung twice! I tend to react allergically too so I took a Benedryl to lessen it but even so my poor finger really swelled up so much it felt like it was going to split! It really hurt,too, more than usual, I think due to the location, that the baby finger is so small.

I also remember that my Topamax that I take for my migraines( and that also helps my bi-polar) can cause kidney damage, incl. kidney stones, so that could be what’s causing my issues, or maybe it’s even just my stomach ulcer back again, although the pain is lower down, below the belly-button, not above it,  and my gut-feeling is that it’s cancer and I’m dying, but it could just be wishful thinking too, just hoping that I’m dying soon, sort of like when you’re a little kid and you think that if you want something badly enough, hope for it enough and wish for it badly enough that you can will it to happen and make it happen…it could be true, but it may all just be in my head,too….I’ll know soon enough though, once I get the CT scan results…but I know that it’s something; that something’s causing me to have all the symptoms and to feel the way I do, and why I’m declining day by day and feel like the life is being drained out of me…