The Laugh.

Screenshot_1031 I haven’t had a good laugh for a long, long time, and so long I can’t even remember the last time I laughed so I prayed to God and asked Him to send me something that will really make me laugh and as always He delivered: I was watching the TV news and one of the reporters showed us these photos he’d doctored super-imposing his face on top of other people’s faces, making for funny photos, such as him at the Trump-Putin summit, him with Trump and the Queen, him horseback riding with Giselle Bundchen ,etc. it was really funny and I laughed so hard I laughed out loud, exactly the kind of thing I needed and was looking for. It never fails to amaze me how God cares so much for each and every one of us, that even the smallest,most insignificant things still matter to God if they are important to us and if we ask for them; all we have to do is ask. If it matters to us, it matters to God.

As well, the 11 YR old’s such a genius he’s memorized 35 digits of Pi (all I know is the 3.14) and he’s skipped several grades in school for years now and will be starting grade 9 (that’s highschool!) when school resumes in the fall! The pool guy was back again (he was here 4 hours) as well and seemed to have finally found the main leak: he dug a second hole underground and said that when the other pool guys either opened or closed the pool for the season when they took the “jet” out they punctured the wall and one of the lines somehow, his guess would be with a screwdriver or something trying to force it out, and so he fixed it, costing 350$ which is still way better than 950$.

So now we can run it and add the chemicals…..and hope it clears up and that we get to use it at least for the second-half of summer as we haven’t been able to so far and it’s been so HOT this month I would have been swimming every day! Today, for instance, with the humidity( feels 40 C) we’re under a severe thunderstorm warning, but hopefully at least it will cool it down. Both my mother and hubby say they won’t even be opening the pool next year if we’re still here but they always say that every year….they say it’s a waste of $$$$ just because they don’t swim and they don’t use it and it’s mainly me that does and as we all know anything for me isn’t worth it.

I wonder as well if maybe my pain might be a kidney infection or UTI as even though it started in the abdomen it’s now really bad in the lower back, both sides,and now I also noticed that my pee is really cloudy and foamy, signs of infection, and it has this really strong pungent odour that stinks like cat piss. Every now and then I still get the odd twinge shoot thru my abdomen as well but the worst now is my back.It’s always something; I don’t think I’m ever really pain-free.

Screenshot_1032 Also this because sunflowers make me happy.

The Storm.

Screenshot_906 Wow, that was sure some storm that we had! It started at 5:30 am and it woke me up the thunder was so loud! I woke up suddenly, startled, What the hell was that noise? and then I saw the lightening and I realized, Oh, it’s just a storm! I was surprised though as it just suddenly came out of nowhere, even rain wasn’t forecasted, and this was a big storm; 100 KM wind, torrential rain, and strong loud thunder and lots of lightening. Poor Buddy was so scared he was shaking and trembling and whining and I held him close and rocked him but once he got the chance to escape he ran for it and hid under the bed. It lasted over an HR at least, I’m not entirely sure as I went back to sleep but I later learned that it also woke up pretty well everyone else in the house too and the 17 YR old said it even shook her room and one of the neighbours told me later that it shook his entire house!

Screenshot_901 We’re still having the heatwave as well, likely for an entire week. It’s so hot I can’t be out in the backyard for long as that’s where it’s always the hottest. Now I have to mainly stay at the front on the veranda where it’s shady, cooler and breezier(another thing I’ll miss about the house if we move,too!) thanx to our big Maple tree at the front of the house, but after awhile it even got hot there,too. That’s how you know it’s really hot when it’s even hot at the front. Today’s even supposed to get up to 35 C and feel like 45 C. That’s just insane. I will definitely need a ride to church today as it’s way too hot to walk. I like the heat but this is even too hot for me. It was even 30 C at 9 am and I could only do my suntan for 45 minutes it was just too oppressively hot; I was melting out there!

I also had these weird dreams: North Korea is still doing it’s nuclear program, only underground, and I mean literally under ground, beneath the ground where no one can detect it,and that would serve Trump right if they really were though; he would be shown such a fool, ha,ha, and another that Armageddon is really soon, that it’s close and Jesus will return soon. I also checked online and it looks most likely that the hard rubbery lump(it’s like if you cut a small grape in half) under Buddy’s eye is most likely a lipoma; a fatty tumour, which is also common in older Dachshunds and is harmless. Oh, I sure hope that’s all it is. I tried to squeeze it in case it’s a cyst I could pop, drain,and deflate, and he didn’t seem to mind and he let me manipulate it, so it doesn’t appear to be hurting him at all. I guess if it gets too big or uncomfortable for him I could freeze and sterilize the area and lance it with a sharp pin or something to drain it, other than that, just leave it alone and keep an eye on it.

I also realized now that the year is already half over and I was hoping that this would be my year; the year that I finally find happiness and love, when I start over, begin a new life, free from my toxic family, yet here we are already in July and still nothing. I’m really discouraged and disappointed and I seriously fear it’s just never going to happen and likely never meant to happen, and that I’m just going to plod thru my miserable, unhappy, lonely life longing for happiness, love,and freedom that I’m never going to have and feeling a loss for something I’ll never be able to attain, that will always be out of my reach even though it’s also my greatest wish and I hope to experience before I die. Only 6 more months left to go of this year now and nothing’s changed in that department;my hubby and I are still “unevenly yoked”, I’m still stuck in this toxic environment with a family that doesn’t love or value me, and I haven’t met the Love of my Life yet(unless I have but I just don’t realize it yet?), so it doesn’t look too hopeful that anything’s going to change any time soon or that there’s any progress being made…. all I can do is wait, but it seems like that’s all I can do, all I ever do, and have been doing, but with no results but I continue to trust in God and wait for His timing in my life even though at times it all just seems so hopeless….

Confused.

confused The neighbours at the corner who recently sold their house moved out. The house is empty now and the 17 YR old said she saw 2 huge moving trucks late last night around 11 pm. That’s an odd time to be moving though; you’d think it would be during the day when they’d have daylight but maybe they don’t want everyone gawking at all their stuff, even though they don’t have crappy furniture or anything to even be embarrassed about. As for us moving, I’m confused now. Before I thought we were meant to move with my hubby getting his new job near Toronto but now the realestate agent came and assessed our house at roughly 100 K less than the minimum we’d have to pay for a house elsewhere now I’m beginning to wonder if maybe we’re not meant to move afterall; if maybe that’s a sign that we’re supposed to stay here, since we obviously can’t afford to live anywhere else….

My hubby would have to take out a new mortgage to cover the extra 100K and to me it just doesn’t make any sense and it feels like we’re going backwards, not progressing forwards since we already own this house outright; it’s completely paid for, no mortgage, so then to have to go thru the process all over again after already having owned a house just seems, well,….ridiculous, and I thought the idea of moving as well was to downsize, to save $$$$, not to have to spend 100K more, esp. when we don’t have it, and it’s not just to buy the new house but we also need extra $$$$ to be able to work with too for moving expenses, such as movers, legal and realestate fees, house inspector, etc. and then there’s also the worry: what if my hubby doesn’t even  get approved for the mortgage or he isn’t able to keep up the payments and we end up losing the house? Or, is this perhaps maybe God’s way of telling my hubby to step up and help out more financially since my mother and I pay most of the bills now?

His suggestion is to just look for something that’s 100 K cheaper except there’s nothing; they start in the range that’s still 100K more than what we’d be able to get for our house here and we’re not renting, or moving to an apartment or townhouse; we’re going to downsize but we’re NOT slumming it and won’t live in the ghetto! So now I’m just really confused and don’t know what we’re supposed to do and I pray for a sign from God what He wants us to do according to His plan. Is it best for us to move….or not? There are several possibilities, too, such as just my hubby moves closer to his work and the rest of us stay here and he just comes up on weekends(that’s the one I prefer, actually, it’s the easiest and least disruptive for everyone), or him and some of the kids move up there and my mother and I and some of the kids stay behind here, or him and all of the kids move elsewhere and my mother and I stay here,or they all move and I get a small place on my own(I’d love but I know I need help and can’t make it on my own) or we all move although I don’t know how we’re ever going to afford it and if maybe that’s God’s way of telling us we’re not supposed to move but stay here.

I also had this weird dream too that the realestate agent told us he found out our house has a Heritage House designation, of historical significance and we can now get 2.1 MILLION$$$ for it, and that would be so great if we really could; then we could get a really nice place,even in Toronto, and with enough $$$$ extra left over as well and even some left for a trip,too! Neither my mother or I really want to move with all the disruption, change, hassle, stress, and inconvenience, and having to find new doctors and stuff and now that it just seems so unaffordable out of this area it looks even more discouraging and the 15 and 17 YR olds had the nerve as well to tell my mother and I to go out and get jobs to help pay for it even though she’s retired and after over 25 YRS of child rearing and homeschooling I’m retired now too and besides now we’re both old and have medical issues and I’m not skilled at anything anyway but we both thought that was very disrespectful and now I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do; if we move( and how we can afford it if we do) or not. I pray God sends me some answers….If I die soon it would solve the problem though as they could use my life insurance $$$$ and they’d have more than enough $$$, more than twice as much as they need!

The pool guys also finally did come and they think the leak is from the skimmer and would be too expensive to fix and recommend that we just fill the pool in with sand….WTF? I hate to think how much it would cost to fill in a 20X40 9 foot hole of dirt, probably even more than getting the leak fixed. At least they said they’ll have someone more qualified come take a look at it but in the meantime we still have no pool and at this rate we won’t all summer. The repairman is also coming next week for the dishwasher .Everything we have is a piece of shit(and we can’t afford repairs,either). We’d never be able to sell this place anyway; everything’s falling apart..

I also heard the neighbours behind us fighting and arguing again just like I did the other day. I was out in the backyard and from the sounds of it they must have been either in their yard or driveway and he was berating her again like last time and they reminded me so much of my hubby and I, and he was scolding her, I just asked you to do this one thing and you can’t even do that! All you do is lay around all day and feel sorry for yourself! Get your head out of your ass! Sounds to me like the poor girl’s likely depressed and he has no compassion, sympathy, support or understanding for her, just like with my hubby and I. I felt so badly for her and I said a silent little prayer to God in my head for her. I know how it feels.

I heard as well Cyndi Lauper is now 65.A SENIOR CITIZEN. Holy shit that really makes me feel old because I listened to her in highschool.(I still have several of her songs in my iPod) That’s just 14 YRS older than me!  😦

 

 

The Revelation.

JesusMeditatingPrayer I had a revelation yesterday when I was getting down on myself again for settling in life and all my regrets over things I wish I had done but didn’t and how I wish I could go back and rewind time and do so many things over and differently in life and it came to me about settling: that settling sometimes is just a part of life, you don’t always get what you want and things don’t always turn out the way you hope and sometimes you have to make do with less and settle for less, but there are other times where you don’t, where you stay determined and stick with your goal and pursue your dream and accept nothing less; the problem is when you always compromise and settle and sell yourself short and then you deserve better.

That is me though; I’ll settle for less rather than risk nothing at all, so even if it’s not exactly what I wanted or hoped for I’ll take it for fear of missing out and ending up with nothing otherwise and I always end up with second-best or less-than and having to settle for less because what I really want is always out of reach. I’m tired of always having to settle though, to always make do with inferior stuff I don’t really want because that’s all I could get and for once I’d like to be able to attain the actual preferred and desired outcome or item, like to get the pink one that I really wanted instead of having to settle for another colour, for example, or to get the actual designer brand one instead of the cheap knock-off, or to settle for the one that’s so-so because it’s the only one left, or to get the better quality one for once instead of the cheaper one that I can afford, or to marry someone I actually love than to just settle for the first(and only) person that shows any interest in me because that’s the “best” I can do , etc.

As well, the homily at Mass yesterday also got me thinking: it was how God doesn’t require big, complicated tasks of us and He just asks us to be faithful and even the smallest, simple things to us that might seem meaningless and like nothing to us can actually have great significance to Him, and what we see as as failure in ourselves(and what others and the world sees as success and failure in us as well) God might see as a triumph, and even Jesus’ ministry on Earth  would appeared to Him and His followers as a failure: He was hated, mocked and killed and His Disciples all abandoned him and scattered…. but now look at His church and  following….it’s blossomed… and that seeds are planted and then we’re to leave the rest up to God, to just have hope and faith and sit back and let Him to His work and see what happens; that great trees can grow strong and mighty from the smallest seeds….that also got me thinking about my sunflower seeds that I’m trying so desperately to grow and so far out of 24 seeds only 2 seedlings have survived so far…maybe it’s even symbolic of my own kids: of 11 kids only 2 of them will return to God, despite my raising them all in the faith and planting the seed?

My hubby also said he’s going to call the realestate agent to come in and access the house this week, and it makes me sad as it makes moving even more real and even closer and sooner. I’m really going to miss our backyard, the pool, my bedroom(esp. the floral wallpaper) and picking fresh warm mulberries right off our trees. I just hope that there’s things at the new house wherever it is that I will also love equally as much. It’s been 2 weeks for my mother’s sore back as well and she’s slowly improving; going longer periods in-between pain and now at the worst her pain level is 8 out of 10 on the pain scale instead of a 10 but I think she’s enjoying her time off on the couch and taking advantage of it having me taking over all her household chores for her though, not having to do any work….

Father’s Day was yesterday as well which Buddy can now celebrate too, now that he’s a father, having fathered puppies 2 months ago, and about my hubby my mother snarked to me, Did you say Happy Father’s Day? and I replied, Oh, well, no one said Happy Mother’s Day to me so I thought we weren’t celebrating, and I’m still waiting for the kids to make me my Mother’s Day cards from last month! All the kids did,however, make cards for him though and even gave them to him right in front of me,too, to make a big show of it; they couldn’t have even done it in private so I’d never even have to know,rubbing it in how they do make cards for him just not for me, and pretty well every night I always wake up between 3 – 3:30 am as well and last night I also did but because of a headache and I saw a house in a dream too with a wooden front door and the top of the door was arched and curved, as opposed to a straight rectangle and I wonder if that’s what our new house will look like and if I’ll recognize it later from my dream?

My Heart.

HeartInHand I saw the cardiologist( the handsome Egyptian guy!) and all my tests came back normal so my heart’s ok; broken emotionally, but not physically. So we still have no answers to why I fainted and have seizures. He was just as hot as I remember him,too,and I was so giddy and nervous I just kept hoping that I wouldn’t say or do anything stupid to embarrass myself. I must have just been oozing pheremones though as I was drooling over him, gazing into his handsome face, knowing I’ll probably never see him again, just enjoying the moment, trying to capture it in my memory forever, and his eyes are so beautiful, oh, my God… a combination of brown and green, they’re almost gold, oh, the things I imagine doing to that guy….I also noticed a little nick on his neck from shaving and all I could think of was imagining kissing it…I wish I could trade my hubby for him….

Both the doctor and the nurse noticed and liked my tan as well(and the nurse also liked my funky boots) and the hunk doctor and I talked about Ramadan, which he’s currently observing, and there I was, thinking my rude thoughts of what I wanted to do with him and wondering if he even has any idea of how hot he truly is.I purposely didn’t even wear a bra, either,(I’m a dirty old whore, ha,ha) hoping he’d have to look at my chest but no luck.(and if he touched it I probably would have passed out) Doesn’t it figure? I can’t even get that. Even so, ugly people still need love,too.

My hubby was also being his usual asshole self, resentful for having to drive me and complaining about it, and hurling insults at me putting down and mocking my age including, Look at you! You can tell you’re old! and Why do you always have to be so stupid all the time? and he yelled at me for walking too slow as well,and when we stopped off at Wal-Mart in Kingston they had the body wash I needed but not my hair dye so I grabbed that and was going to line up and he wouldn’t let me, telling me to put the items down as he was tired and didn’t want to wait in line, reassuring me that we’d stop off at Wal-Mart in town on the way back(so I could pick both things I need then)……except that we didn’t…..the asshole lied and refused to go, excusing he changed his mind and was tired and didn’t want to do any more driving; he f*cked me over is what he did, and I never even got the other items either(which as it turned out later, they don’t have here) as he’d rushed me out and wouldn’t even let me get those when we already were in the other Wal-Mart so I was mad and I really let him have it…..and then he says I’m the problem; that I’m selfish, ungrateful, a terrible person,etc. for complaining  instead of being grateful for all that he does for me…..WTF?

He’s got it wrong; I’m mad that he said we would stop off after and get my stuff after and then he wouldn’t, esp. after he wouldn’t let me get the items I was able to find at the other store before!So I ended up with none of my stuff and felt like my stuff isn’t worth the bother. He’s just being an asshole again, treating me like shit, and then he gets all high and mighty saying if I don’t like it then go myself, knowing I have no way to get there, no transportation, so in a fury I pulled the earphones out of my iPod and blasted my Reggae music really loud I know he hates so he’d have to listen to it in “retaliation” and I told him, You’re not the only one that can be an asshole! so then the prick starts blaring redneck country music on the car radio just to piss me off…..and so it goes… I almost got out and walked….as it turned out I still  ended up going to the store later in the evening(he got 10 minutes he could “squeeze” me in; aren’t I lucky?) but I’m just so tired of the way he treats me. I’ve had enough of this shit and of this life.

We also took the long and winding road driving home to avoid the back up on the highway due to construction and we passed thru every single little town along the way and I’ve never seen so many lilac bushes, it was amazing! As we were driving out into the middle of nowhere, into deserted rural roads I also half expected my hubby to pull over somewhere and kill me and dump my body somewhere and drive off,either that, or meet up with someone he’s hired to do the job and then he shoots me right there; that that’s really why we ended up driving all the way out there in the middle of nowhere, and then he got all mad and sulky because he couldn’t find his usual gas station and we were running on fumes and he whined Maybe we just won’t get any gas at all then! and I told him to stop being such a child and just get it somewhere else, no big deal, before we run out of gas completely and end up stranded somewhere, I swear, the shit I have to put up with, the guy’s a f*cking tool! There just has to be some way I can be free….I’ve been doing this since 1988, I’m done….

We also saw the new Star Wars movie and he acted like it was some sort of great “sacrifice” on his part for having taken the precious time out of his busy schedule to have taken me and that I should be eternally grateful to him for the sacred priveledge.Oh, thank you, Massa! You are too kind, Massa.I bow down humbly and kiss your feet.Don’t beat me, Massa.

F*CK IT.

Our Mother’s Day.

HippoMothersDay Our(my mother’s and mine) Mother’s Day yesterday was pretty much just like any other Sunday, or any other day for that matter, other than the fact that we got the typical sappy cards(that we adults actually bought for eachother and pretended was from the kids, and that contained gooey love messages that none of us really feel) but the kids never drew me any home-made cards though( even though they do for my hubby for Father’s Day and for eachother for birthdays, just not for me) and, in fact, none of the kids even bothered to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Not even once. None of them even uttered the words.No one said it at all. Only my mother and hubby did. Not at all, but 2 neighbours did, when I was out walking Buddy one of the neighbour’s teen girls wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and the old guy I talk to that lives across from church came across the road to wish me a happy one which I thought was thoughtful and kind, esp. considering my own kids didn’t even bother, proving once again that total( Or not quite total) Strangers care about me more and treat me nicer than my own family does.

We also had KFC for dinner so neither my mother or I had to cook and she got a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store for us to put on the table.Not the kind I like, just a cheap 10$ one with mums that neither of us like but they were the cheapest and with a few carnations thrown in that she likes but I find are boring and plastic-like and have no smell and secretly I was wishing It would have been nice if these had been sunflowers…. My hubby got me this funny Dachshund card from Buddy as well which is fitting too because he is like my baby and he’s the only one in my family that really does love me,anyway, and I got the funky shoes that I’d picked out and I gave my hubby the bill. That’s how he buys gifts.That way he knows I like it.

. Even the kids that have moved out still never even bothered to phone or e-mail me any Mother’s Day wishes. My mother said she was upset that the kids never said Happy Mother’s Day to her either( even though I did) even though I told her that they’re not her kids though; they’re mine(and they never said it to me,either), but she’s always taken over and acts like they’re hers and expects to be treated like some kind of martyr. In church they also had  special prayers for mothers yesterday we all. It’s really just a day I prefer to get over with, a reminder of something yet again I’ve failed(even though it was my vocation and my dream, and yet something else that didn’t go as expected or work out the way I thought and ended up to be the total opposite and I end up disappointed and disillusioned) and that someone in my family will usually ruin for me anyway or use to remind me how much I suck as a mother.

I also had a portion of a perfect day last night; not the entire day, just a few minutes, a few peaceful, perfectly still, quiet moments. I woke up in the middle of the darkness and stillness of night with Buddy  beside me, and it was so still and quiet; there wasn’t one single sound.It was like the entire world had just stopped, just shut down momentarily. I couldn’t hear a thing, it was so still and quiet. It was peaceful and tranquil, leaving me alone with my thoughts and God. I couldn’t feel my heart beating either and for a moment there I even wondered if I was dead. It was such a perfect serene moment that I just wanted to capture it forever and I was so content and cocooned in my silent world I wish I could have just stayed locked away in there forever and kept it frozen like that for always. It was like a little gift from God, a small glimpse of peace. I wonder if that’s what the world is like for deaf people?Pure silence….