The Revelation.

JesusMeditatingPrayer I had a revelation yesterday when I was getting down on myself again for settling in life and all my regrets over things I wish I had done but didn’t and how I wish I could go back and rewind time and do so many things over and differently in life and it came to me about settling: that settling sometimes is just a part of life, you don’t always get what you want and things don’t always turn out the way you hope and sometimes you have to make do with less and settle for less, but there are other times where you don’t, where you stay determined and stick with your goal and pursue your dream and accept nothing less; the problem is when you always compromise and settle and sell yourself short and then you deserve better.

That is me though; I’ll settle for less rather than risk nothing at all, so even if it’s not exactly what I wanted or hoped for I’ll take it for fear of missing out and ending up with nothing otherwise and I always end up with second-best or less-than and having to settle for less because what I really want is always out of reach. I’m tired of always having to settle though, to always make do with inferior stuff I don’t really want because that’s all I could get and for once I’d like to be able to attain the actual preferred and desired outcome or item, like to get the pink one that I really wanted instead of having to settle for another colour, for example, or to get the actual designer brand one instead of the cheap knock-off, or to settle for the one that’s so-so because it’s the only one left, or to get the better quality one for once instead of the cheaper one that I can afford, or to marry someone I actually love than to just settle for the first(and only) person that shows any interest in me because that’s the “best” I can do , etc.

As well, the homily at Mass yesterday also got me thinking: it was how God doesn’t require big, complicated tasks of us and He just asks us to be faithful and even the smallest, simple things to us that might seem meaningless and like nothing to us can actually have great significance to Him, and what we see as as failure in ourselves(and what others and the world sees as success and failure in us as well) God might see as a triumph, and even Jesus’ ministry on Earth  would appeared to Him and His followers as a failure: He was hated, mocked and killed and His Disciples all abandoned him and scattered…. but now look at His church and  following….it’s blossomed… and that seeds are planted and then we’re to leave the rest up to God, to just have hope and faith and sit back and let Him to His work and see what happens; that great trees can grow strong and mighty from the smallest seeds….that also got me thinking about my sunflower seeds that I’m trying so desperately to grow and so far out of 24 seeds only 2 seedlings have survived so far…maybe it’s even symbolic of my own kids: of 11 kids only 2 of them will return to God, despite my raising them all in the faith and planting the seed?

My hubby also said he’s going to call the realestate agent to come in and access the house this week, and it makes me sad as it makes moving even more real and even closer and sooner. I’m really going to miss our backyard, the pool, my bedroom(esp. the floral wallpaper) and picking fresh warm mulberries right off our trees. I just hope that there’s things at the new house wherever it is that I will also love equally as much. It’s been 2 weeks for my mother’s sore back as well and she’s slowly improving; going longer periods in-between pain and now at the worst her pain level is 8 out of 10 on the pain scale instead of a 10 but I think she’s enjoying her time off on the couch and taking advantage of it having me taking over all her household chores for her though, not having to do any work….

Father’s Day was yesterday as well which Buddy can now celebrate too, now that he’s a father, having fathered puppies 2 months ago, and about my hubby my mother snarked to me, Did you say Happy Father’s Day? and I replied, Oh, well, no one said Happy Mother’s Day to me so I thought we weren’t celebrating, and I’m still waiting for the kids to make me my Mother’s Day cards from last month! All the kids did,however, make cards for him though and even gave them to him right in front of me,too, to make a big show of it; they couldn’t have even done it in private so I’d never even have to know,rubbing it in how they do make cards for him just not for me, and pretty well every night I always wake up between 3 – 3:30 am as well and last night I also did but because of a headache and I saw a house in a dream too with a wooden front door and the top of the door was arched and curved, as opposed to a straight rectangle and I wonder if that’s what our new house will look like and if I’ll recognize it later from my dream?

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My Heart.

HeartInHand I saw the cardiologist( the handsome Egyptian guy!) and all my tests came back normal so my heart’s ok; broken emotionally, but not physically. So we still have no answers to why I fainted and have seizures. He was just as hot as I remember him,too,and I was so giddy and nervous I just kept hoping that I wouldn’t say or do anything stupid to embarrass myself. I must have just been oozing pheremones though as I was drooling over him, gazing into his handsome face, knowing I’ll probably never see him again, just enjoying the moment, trying to capture it in my memory forever, and his eyes are so beautiful, oh, my God… a combination of brown and green, they’re almost gold, oh, the things I imagine doing to that guy….I also noticed a little nick on his neck from shaving and all I could think of was imagining kissing it…I wish I could trade my hubby for him….

Both the doctor and the nurse noticed and liked my tan as well(and the nurse also liked my funky boots) and the hunk doctor and I talked about Ramadan, which he’s currently observing, and there I was, thinking my rude thoughts of what I wanted to do with him and wondering if he even has any idea of how hot he truly is.I purposely didn’t even wear a bra, either,(I’m a dirty old whore, ha,ha) hoping he’d have to look at my chest but no luck.(and if he touched it I probably would have passed out) Doesn’t it figure? I can’t even get that. Even so, ugly people still need love,too.

My hubby was also being his usual asshole self, resentful for having to drive me and complaining about it, and hurling insults at me putting down and mocking my age including, Look at you! You can tell you’re old! and Why do you always have to be so stupid all the time? and he yelled at me for walking too slow as well,and when we stopped off at Wal-Mart in Kingston they had the body wash I needed but not my hair dye so I grabbed that and was going to line up and he wouldn’t let me, telling me to put the items down as he was tired and didn’t want to wait in line, reassuring me that we’d stop off at Wal-Mart in town on the way back(so I could pick both things I need then)……except that we didn’t…..the asshole lied and refused to go, excusing he changed his mind and was tired and didn’t want to do any more driving; he f*cked me over is what he did, and I never even got the other items either(which as it turned out later, they don’t have here) as he’d rushed me out and wouldn’t even let me get those when we already were in the other Wal-Mart so I was mad and I really let him have it…..and then he says I’m the problem; that I’m selfish, ungrateful, a terrible person,etc. for complaining  instead of being grateful for all that he does for me…..WTF?

He’s got it wrong; I’m mad that he said we would stop off after and get my stuff after and then he wouldn’t, esp. after he wouldn’t let me get the items I was able to find at the other store before!So I ended up with none of my stuff and felt like my stuff isn’t worth the bother. He’s just being an asshole again, treating me like shit, and then he gets all high and mighty saying if I don’t like it then go myself, knowing I have no way to get there, no transportation, so in a fury I pulled the earphones out of my iPod and blasted my Reggae music really loud I know he hates so he’d have to listen to it in “retaliation” and I told him, You’re not the only one that can be an asshole! so then the prick starts blaring redneck country music on the car radio just to piss me off…..and so it goes… I almost got out and walked….as it turned out I still  ended up going to the store later in the evening(he got 10 minutes he could “squeeze” me in; aren’t I lucky?) but I’m just so tired of the way he treats me. I’ve had enough of this shit and of this life.

We also took the long and winding road driving home to avoid the back up on the highway due to construction and we passed thru every single little town along the way and I’ve never seen so many lilac bushes, it was amazing! As we were driving out into the middle of nowhere, into deserted rural roads I also half expected my hubby to pull over somewhere and kill me and dump my body somewhere and drive off,either that, or meet up with someone he’s hired to do the job and then he shoots me right there; that that’s really why we ended up driving all the way out there in the middle of nowhere, and then he got all mad and sulky because he couldn’t find his usual gas station and we were running on fumes and he whined Maybe we just won’t get any gas at all then! and I told him to stop being such a child and just get it somewhere else, no big deal, before we run out of gas completely and end up stranded somewhere, I swear, the shit I have to put up with, the guy’s a f*cking tool! There just has to be some way I can be free….I’ve been doing this since 1988, I’m done….

We also saw the new Star Wars movie and he acted like it was some sort of great “sacrifice” on his part for having taken the precious time out of his busy schedule to have taken me and that I should be eternally grateful to him for the sacred priveledge.Oh, thank you, Massa! You are too kind, Massa.I bow down humbly and kiss your feet.Don’t beat me, Massa.

F*CK IT.

Our Mother’s Day.

HippoMothersDay Our(my mother’s and mine) Mother’s Day yesterday was pretty much just like any other Sunday, or any other day for that matter, other than the fact that we got the typical sappy cards(that we adults actually bought for eachother and pretended was from the kids, and that contained gooey love messages that none of us really feel) but the kids never drew me any home-made cards though( even though they do for my hubby for Father’s Day and for eachother for birthdays, just not for me) and, in fact, none of the kids even bothered to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Not even once. None of them even uttered the words.No one said it at all. Only my mother and hubby did. Not at all, but 2 neighbours did, when I was out walking Buddy one of the neighbour’s teen girls wished me a Happy Mother’s Day and the old guy I talk to that lives across from church came across the road to wish me a happy one which I thought was thoughtful and kind, esp. considering my own kids didn’t even bother, proving once again that total( Or not quite total) Strangers care about me more and treat me nicer than my own family does.

We also had KFC for dinner so neither my mother or I had to cook and she got a bouquet of flowers at the grocery store for us to put on the table.Not the kind I like, just a cheap 10$ one with mums that neither of us like but they were the cheapest and with a few carnations thrown in that she likes but I find are boring and plastic-like and have no smell and secretly I was wishing It would have been nice if these had been sunflowers…. My hubby got me this funny Dachshund card from Buddy as well which is fitting too because he is like my baby and he’s the only one in my family that really does love me,anyway, and I got the funky shoes that I’d picked out and I gave my hubby the bill. That’s how he buys gifts.That way he knows I like it.

. Even the kids that have moved out still never even bothered to phone or e-mail me any Mother’s Day wishes. My mother said she was upset that the kids never said Happy Mother’s Day to her either( even though I did) even though I told her that they’re not her kids though; they’re mine(and they never said it to me,either), but she’s always taken over and acts like they’re hers and expects to be treated like some kind of martyr. In church they also had  special prayers for mothers yesterday we all. It’s really just a day I prefer to get over with, a reminder of something yet again I’ve failed(even though it was my vocation and my dream, and yet something else that didn’t go as expected or work out the way I thought and ended up to be the total opposite and I end up disappointed and disillusioned) and that someone in my family will usually ruin for me anyway or use to remind me how much I suck as a mother.

I also had a portion of a perfect day last night; not the entire day, just a few minutes, a few peaceful, perfectly still, quiet moments. I woke up in the middle of the darkness and stillness of night with Buddy  beside me, and it was so still and quiet; there wasn’t one single sound.It was like the entire world had just stopped, just shut down momentarily. I couldn’t hear a thing, it was so still and quiet. It was peaceful and tranquil, leaving me alone with my thoughts and God. I couldn’t feel my heart beating either and for a moment there I even wondered if I was dead. It was such a perfect serene moment that I just wanted to capture it forever and I was so content and cocooned in my silent world I wish I could have just stayed locked away in there forever and kept it frozen like that for always. It was like a little gift from God, a small glimpse of peace. I wonder if that’s what the world is like for deaf people?Pure silence….

The Plumber.

MarioPlumber So, 2 plumbers came to access the damage as to why our ceiling was leaking and then crashed down to the hallway below. It was the toilet like I had suspected…..only it was also much worse; not only is the pipe leaking( they shut off the water to third floor bathroom, so now when I have to get up to pee during the night I have to stumble all the way down to the second floor bathroom in the dark trying not to fall down the stairs in the dark in my semi-awake state) but they have to completely replace all the old copper pipes in that area, even though I thought we already did have all the old copper pipes in the house replaced when we first moved in 15 years ago( I guess there was some they forgot?) and tear out the entire ceiling in the hallway on the second floor below to do it…..yet another expense that we can’t afford…. and this is going to cost thousands of $$$$$$! Where is the $$$$$ going to come from? They said they’ll be back next week so now we have a week without use of the third floor bathroom,and guess who uses that bathroom during the night, to wash her face, and getting up first thing in the morning and before going to bed last thing at night? Yup……me.

Maybe the gastro doctor was right,too: if everything else “major” is eliminated for my stomach and abdomenal pain IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) is left, a gastro condition causing pain, cramping, gas, constipation and diarrhrea and is often seen in people who suffer from depression and stress, most commonly middle-aged women. I wouldn’t be surprised; I have so much stress in my life; now not only does it effect me emotionally but now physically as well but if it is IBS I’m surprised it causes this much pain though but she said it can, and, of course, there’s no cure, it’s just one of those chronic things you have to live with. It figures. Just another health issue to add to my list. Yet another pain in my life.

The thought came to me as well that maybe the reason none of my suicide attempts never work as it’s not my time is that maybe someone still needs me and that someone is Buddy! Even though my family doesn’t give two shits about me and no one else cares about me Buddy loves me and he does depend on me and needs me; I’m the one that takes care of him and looks after all is needs and if he loves me as much as I love him when I’m gone he’ll be devastated and feel lost just like I would without him,and maybe he needs and loves me just as much as I do him, and I need to be here for him. He is the only light, joy,and love in my life, and perhaps, I am his only, too, and God’s keeping me around here a little longer because I have to take care of him and he needs me, relies on me,and loves me?

I also wanted to clarify when I mention about how it broke me when the 15 YR old went thru her struggles being suicidal and anorexic and when she pulled away from me after we had been so close and decided she didn’t love me anymore even though she was the person I was the closest to, and it was the last straw after a long list of years  and years of traumas and  constant misfortunes, tragedies, bad luck,loss, stress, crisis, and and hits that just keep coming and coming that just  pushed me over the edge. I just love her so much when she broke and to watch her fall apart destroyed me and then when she also pulled away from me it just shattered me and it was too much and just broke me.I’d reached my limit. Seeing someone I love so much suffering thru something like that, breaking so hard like that and then being shut out was too much for me and it tore me apart and was the “trigger” point of the beginning of the end for me, the decline I was never able to recover from and the point I just decided I couldn’t go on any more. I don’t blame her; she can’t help breaking any more than I can; it’s just that after what happened to her and to our relationship as a result, it was more than I could handle and it decimated me.

My hubby also had a job interview and there are jobs in Markham and Nova Scotia and Markham is too close to Toronto so there’s no way we could ever afford to live there and Nova Scotia is more affordable, but the Maritimes are known for having really bad weather, being right along the ocean, such as bad hurricanes, flooding, and blizzards, plus they are the provinces(as well as BC) that are very hostile to homeschooling. They said it went well and will let him know in a week. He also got hit by a car! I saw 2 red circles on his shins and I thought it was from working on the fence, that maybe he got his legs mixed up with the fence posts and hammered his legs instead…but someone wasn’t looking where they were going, driving really slowly luckily, and bumped into him….at first I thought he was joking..when he said he was hit by a car…..well, you know, of course I didn’t believe it….

I also heard Classical music coming out of my window A/C…..weird, I know…and Buddy was trying to catch a mouse in the rec room and got trapped amongst a “maze” of boxes and tightly squeezed in furniture and things and was tightly wedged in there and if he’d gone even a bit further he would have gotten stuck and the spot was so small and tight I wouldn’t have been able to get him out; he was almost at the point of no return if he’d kept going after the mouse….so, out of concern for his well-being I called him to Come!…. and he looked confused as to how to get his way back out, but he listened to my voice and followed it until he was able to back out and navigate his way thru the dark “maze” and find his way out back to me, where he popped his head out and saw me and then he perked up, wiggled his body and wagged his tail in joy and ran over to me, bounding over, leaping into my arms, joyfully, and it reminded me of us and God: even when we are afraid, feel alone, are scared,  can’t find our way in a dark, scary situation, don’t know where we are or how to find our way out, don’t be afraid. Just listen to His voice and follow Him and He will see us safely thru and get us out. If we listen to His voice and follow Him he will guide us back to safety, back to Him.

Unedited.

Screenshot_532 This blog post is an experiemnt. I am blogging greely and without censor or any editing. I have taken my weed(although I’m always out of focus normally, anyway) and any grammar or spelling or other mistakes have been left in so you can see the real thing, naturally, as it came out of my head and was typed down, so basically what you see is blogging while high, or ,rather, the results of blogging while high. I had my consultation with the medical marijuana doctor, who I referred to as the Weed Man and the 14 year old ( she turns 15 tomorrow) over-heard and goes, I thought you haven’t had the Weed Man for years? thinking it was the company that sprays the pesticides on your lawn for weeds.We used to get it done until the enviro freaks made some stupid law that banned their chemicals and the new mushroom crap thing they were forced to use instead didn’t even work! We STILL had dandilions! Speaking of which, I’m the one that always digs them up every year but I honestly don’t have the stamina, the strength, or the motivation to do it this year.  I’m depleted. Environmentalism is also just a world-wide cult, spreading a New World religion and indoctrinating the next generation.

This time at the medical marijuana place it was a bit different for the yearly license renewal; first they had some cannabinoid therapeutic something-or-other take down my info and when she mentioned about my bipolar she asked if there were any other mental disorders in the family I blurted out, My whole family is crazy!We’re a big crazy family!! and she looked like a combination of laughing and shocked and when she asked which form I use the medical marijuana and I said generally the cannabis oil as my family hates the smell and calls me Pothead…. she said, I hope only in jest, not in a mean way…. and I lamely replied, well…with them you never know…. but  was thinking to myself inside my head, If only she knew. The masks that we wear. The secrets that we keep. The things nobody knows. Then I had an onlive video consult with the nurse practitioner. Last time it was doctor. She could tell my nationality by my name and she was the same and spoke the language so we were both speaking in it and it was so cool and a surprise. I got it renewed for another year, no problem, and I applied for compassionate pricing based on my income tax statement; if my income is low enough and I’m poor enough I’ll qualify for a discount on my weed; 25 % discount!

I was getting the planters ready filled with soil preraring to plant my sunflower seeds  soon and my hubby was out doing yard work around the pool and I asked him to pass me one of the planters from over the diving board and as he did he knocked over and broke one of my garden gnomes and he just dismissed(it’s just something of mine,right, so who cares?) it and even blamed me because I was the one that asked him to reach something for me instead of going over and getting it myself. Yup. You read that right. It was MY fault for asking him to reach me the planted instead of his fault for dropping the gnome. Really? I told him he’s just like my mother; never taking any responsibility and always blaming someone else for what you did. Him and the kids also now constantly taunt Buddy and indirectly, me, by calling Buddy half-breed ( I remember bullies in grade 8 used to call my friend J that,too) as well due to the shit Patti posted about him , but I tell him to just ignore the haters, bullies,and assholes, it’s not worth it, just consider where it comes from and don’t let them get to you. That’s what I try to do.Besides, don’t believe everything you read on the Internet, anyway, and don’t listen to anything that crazy bitch says, either!

I also feel really ethereal and other-worldly today, and just got back a long distance memory that had been forgotten (or hidden?) perhaps long buried, all these years from when I was a kid; I had forgotten until just now when a foreign word popped up in my head and I instantly recognized it from when I was a kid yet didn’t remember what it meant; I used to remember hearing it all the time around the time I was 4 or 5, and then  it was long forgotten until I just remembered it now again; the memory was just somehow triggered and it came back, out of nowhere.Is it a word or someone’s name?Whatever it is, it evoked a happy response(along with surprise at the long-forgotten now resurfaced word and instant recognition; Oh, my God, I remember that word! It’s from my childhood!) along with a smile, so it must have come from a good memory. Then I was trying to figure out where it came from, But what does it mean? how to place it,and where it fit in, like a puzzle piece, but wasn’t able to, everything around it was a shadow.  In a sense it almost felt as though it were an uncovered word that I wasn’t supposed to  “reconnect” with but accidently  discovered, like a secret that was supposed to stay hidden that was exposed by mistake. Something I wasn’t supposed to know but found out, that was to be kept from me but  decades later I came across it.  It had that kind of “aura.”It must have been the weed as I can tap into and access memories and parts of my subconscious that I can’t normally reach and often learn(or re-learn?) new things that are revealed, deeper understandings, answers, future events, visions, revelations, guidance, direction, insight, etc. that I normally don’t. The Rastafari are right; it brings you more spiritually,closer to God, and enlightens you.

I also have this splitting, blinding headache today that woke me up at 1 am and the stomach and abdomenal pain is off the wall and sometimes the best way to describe it is like saying my stomach’s being stretched out as far and as taut and as thin as it possibly ca be, in all directions, until it’s as tight as it can be and then twisted and twisted and then kicked by a horse. That might be the closest way I think of to describe what the pain feels like. I did hear back from the Gasrto doc though and I see him in 2 weeks.Maybe he’ll want to do a biopsy or something on the liver or another scope to check on the stomach ulcer? I’ll also have more test results in….being in constant pain every day SUCKS! Ugh!! The Weed Doc also said it’s best to take it every day for best effect and results. Just like any other medicine I suppose. JUst like all my other meds. Just like your daily vitamin. WAKE AND BAKE.  😀

Him.

EternalCompanion This actually happened to me yesterday and it’s hard to believe but it’s actually true and it just completely blew me away. Remember how not too long ago I had a dream and I was shown a vision of my Eternal Companion in Heaven who loves me and is waiting for me, and I saw in detail exactly what he looked like, with long-ish curly blonde hair, and resembled a British rock star? Well, I never forgot about that and towards the end of the Mass, right for the Gospel I notice a guy come in late and sit in the aisle right across from me and oh, my God……it was him! He looked exactly like the guy in my dream, that I had seen, my Eternal Companion!

I was just stunned and shocked speechless, I was dizzy and so overwhelmed and blown away I thought I was going to faint. It was just surreal. It was him, but he didn’t stay long and then he left right away, as soon as it was over, and loudly peeled out in a “muscle” car, the kind I also like. Oh, my God! Did he possibly come down from Heaven, as an angel in human form,perhaps, to give me some hope and reassurance and then quickly vanished into the night? Was there no communication between us because the time is not right; not until I’ve died and go to Heaven? It was just so amazing and unreal I couldn’t believe it…..but there he was. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again before I go to Heaven or if this was it? Maybe it’s a sign it’ll be soon and he came to check in one me?

As for my hubby, I don’t feel any connection to him, any loyalty, any allegience, any respect,, any commitment, any ties, any feelings, any closeness, any bond, etc, or like I “owe” him anything because of the dismissive, belittling, demeaning, condescending way he treats me. He treats me like shit and doesn’t value or respect me, or love me, or value my thoughts, needs, or opinions, he just constantly puts me down, insults and berates me, criticizes and emotionally abuses me so I don’t feel like I owe him anything. I want to be free.

Also, in church I was seeing blurry and double again and I’m losing my mind so much that I couldn’t even remember prayers that I’ve memorized my whole life, and my stomach and abdomenal pain is really bad again as well and now my arms and legs feel so weak and “drained” and I get weaker and more and more fatigued every day.I feel like I’m dying and I don’t think it will be too long now. There’s just no energy, no strength, no motivation, no spark, no life, left in me anymore.

Niagara Falls.

NiagaraFalls I was going to post about my hubby and the kids’ weekend in Niagara Falls yesterday except I was the only one awake at the time I did my blog so I didn’t know anything yet or have anything to write so I waited until now. It went ok but they didn’t do well in their jiu-jitsu and cheerleading competitions. The 23 YR old hurt himself in his competition but he still did his own personal goal of competing against and even “besting” guys in higher ranks but the second-oldest got sick and had to withdraw and wasn’t even able to compete and as for the 16 YR old’s cheerleading, her team came in, well, I hate to say it, but….last. There were about 7 teams competing. Oh, well. Then in the end the 23 YR old( who was staying with the second-oldest at her place in Toronto for their competition) got sick too so now he’s brought it back home so the rest of us will eventually get it,too.

They said that Niagara Falls is such a dump, so seedy, run-down, such a ghetto, and my hubby said it’s the most ghetto place he’s even been,and that’s really saying something as he really doesn’t have high standards and thinks nothing  of staying at a fleabag roach motel, you know, the kind where they still have chalk outlines on the floor and where they have to change the sheets every hour…but I told him that Detroit is still the biggest and worst ghetto place ever. It doesn’t get much worse than that. I’ve been to Niagara Falls 3 times; once as a kid with my mother when we took the coach bus up to Marineland, then twice around age 14; once on a school trip and another time with a friend’s family.

As well, I still have that blinding headache; it’s been about a week now, a week straight, and with my luck it’s probably a sinus infection that’s spread to my brain, or toxic shock syndrome from my tampons or something as I’m always that unlucky one-out-of-a- million that gets these rare disorders and complications…..the story of my life…my hubby is also disappointed that I didn’t die like I thought I would and he accuses me of “crying wolf” and says it’s like Buddy when he does his “fake cough” trying to gain sympathy and attention, but it’s not; I really, truly,and actually felt like I was dying, right on the “edge”, but maybe it was just some sort of cruel “joke” God was playing with me, just jerking me around, stringing me along so far, bringing me close and then yanking it away, sort of like dangling meat in front of a dog and then just when he thinks he’s going to get it you pull it away. That’s what it feels like anyway. I got so close and then it was gone.

The 16 YR old also found out spying on Patti’s Facebook ( she blocked me, remember?) that she….get this…. bought a dog stroller for her dog and the puppies, expected within the next 1-2 weeks….oh, my God, she’s even crazier than I am! The Jehovah’s Witnesses also came by yesterday too only it wasn’t the usual old guy that always comes by and has for years, who I’ve developed a friendship with and always look forward to seeing and talking to; it was another guy and now I’m worried that maybe he died or something; I mean; he must be in his 80’s or 90’s…..that’s just so sad to think about. I hope not though, but at least if he did I take comfort in knowing where he is.