He Loves Me.

Screen Shot 06-24-17 at 06.52 PM 001 I know Buddy loves me. Unconditionally. He doesn’t care what I look like. He doesn’t care that I’m ugly. He doesn’t care that I’m fat. He doesn’t care about my Asperger’s, my depression, my bipolar, or my social phobia. He doesn’t care that I’m not smart. He doesn’t care that I fail at everything I do. He doesn’t care that no one else loves me except for him.

He loves me anyway.

He loves me simply because I love him and because I’m kind to him and I take care of him. God’s like that with us,too: He loves us unconditionally,too, just as we are, broken, and imperfect. Sub-standard, below market value, downgraded, second-rate, not desired, failing, losing, struggling, weak, physically flawed, below standards, unwanted, worthless, etc.. Just like the dog, God still loves us despite all that, and not based on how we look on the outside, or how popular we are or aren’t, but based on our being, what we are on the inside, based on our kindness, our hearts, our love. The kind of stuff dogs can sense.

There is no love like the love, devotion,and loyalty of a dog. Buddy is my best friend. He is an angel sent down from Heaven. God knew exactly what I needed when he sent me him.

Love.Companionship. Friendship.

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SISTERS.

This is also the 16 and 18 YR olds dressed up all fancy for the 16 YR old’s party. They are both wearing black dresses (as the theme of the party was black and pink Chanel) The 14 YR old also had on a black dress that she made herself but refused any photos and snarled to me when I wanted to see her dress, I don’t want you to see! and quickly scurried away. Seriously, what’s her problem? My hubby also kept forgetting stuff and kept coming back to the house at least 4 times, in his typical fashion.

Peonies.

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 03.34 PM Here are some peonies from our garden! My mother didn’t want me to bring them in the house because they always have ants on them but we already have ants in the house anyway( ants in the summer, mice in the winter; it’s seasonal) and besides, I love peonies, and they remind me so much of my Babushka who had such a wonderful garden and would always cut me fresh flowers to take home. I also think I had another seizure during the night too as I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like someone was violently shaking the end of my bed but it ended up that it was me; it was my legs that were rigid, shaking, thumping, banging, and thrashing on the bed; my seizures are weird; they always start at the bottom( feet) and work their way up. I can’t be entirely sure, but I’m pretty sure that it was real and not a dream as it is imprinted as a very clear memory on my brain, but I also kept drifting in and out and I often have a hard time distinguishing if something really happened or if it was just a dream.

The other day driving back from the clinic I also saw something I love but haven;t seen in a long time: gladiolas! They were growing in someone’s garden and were a light pink/ white mix in colour, and I also got a phonecall from my doctor’s office; they want me to come in for a yearly BP check since I take meds for my high BP and said while I’m there I can also pick up a colon cancer screening kit and I’m to put a shit in a container for testing (I remember the vet doing this for my dogs testing for worms) and I either bring it back there or mail it off somewhere( can you imagine getting a turd, or even worse,diarrhrea, in the mail?) to be tested, and I wonder how  exactly I’m supposed to do it; I mean, do I scoop it out of the toilet with a spoon and then place it in the container….or do I somehow manage to actually shit into  the actual container, and how, exactly, am I expected to correctly aim without getting shit all over my hands……OMG…..I don’t know….I’ve never had to shit in a container before….

Funny as well: missionaries came by and the 18 YR old answered the door and she didn’t want to be mean to them but she didn’t want to be “recruited” either so she “sells” me out instead, telling them, My mother’s really religious! Maybe she’ll go to your church! and then she goes and takes a picture of Jesus off the wall and shows them and says, My mother really loves JesusIt was just soooo funny, and I felt really old yesterday,too: I was on the phone with a representative trying to activate an online account and he said he’ll “walk” me thru it as I remain on the phone but I said I’ll have to go try and let him know if it works and he was confused so I explained it( the computer) was in the other room (so he must have thought it was a laptop) and then he said to just bring the phone in with me and I said I can’t…..it’s attached to the wall! and there’s a moment of silence as he tries to process it and then he goes, Oh!

It was that moment. He was a young guy and he had just assumed that I had a cell phone that I could take around with me from room to room and that I had a laptop(and not a desktop) which is portable…..but no, I’m this middle-aged old woman who uses a desktop and still uses a land-line phone stuck to the wall…..I just felt so old at that moment, and so out of touch but it’s just that technology doesn’t like me  and it’s just so complicated and never works for me; I prefer the simple, less complicated things. I don’t like gadgets that are smarter than I am. I have such a hard time trying to figure out all this complex stuff and it makes my brain hurt.

My hubby is also a big fan of this Power of Positive Thinking crap to “cure” depression instead of medication but I just think it’s all a bunch of hooey; sometimes you need medication, and him saying to just cheer up, snap out of it, or think positive! mind over matter crap doesn’t work for depression; it’s like telling someone with cancer or diabetes to just Think Positive thoughts! and they’ll feel better, that being positive will cure them; they don’t need medication…..what a bunch of HORSE SHIT! He also likes to always scold me and berate me saying, You never listen! when in actual fact I do listen; I just don’t understand, and they’re entirely different  things. I don’t purposely do things wrong, mess up, not follow instructions, etc.. it’s just that with my Asperger’s I have trouble comprehending stuff, so I’ll listen and I’ll hear what you’re saying but I don’t always know what you mean, what you want, or what I’m supposed to do. I’m just stupid and I always do things wrong, and always need help with everything all the time, need to keep being re-told instructions, and nothing ever works for me and it just enrages my hubby who has zero tolerance for my stupidity or ineptitude.

Hawt.

Screen Shot 06-13-17 at 07.11 PM 001 It’s been really hot here the past few days, and I do mean sweltering, 30 C with the humidex 37 C or higher. It’s even hotter than it was in Cuba because of the humidity. I like it hot and sunny, but not humid, which is too hot; it’s oppressive and unbearable. When it gets like this the air also feels so “thick” I find it hard to even breathe and I often feel like I’m going to pass out. I like the temperature/heat like in California, warm but not humid, but not like in Florida where it’s really humid. It’s nice in the Caribbean,too, it’s hot but not humid due to the fact that it’s surrounded by water on all sides being that they’re all islands.

As well, now the 14 YR old’s going to the eating disorders clinic every 2 weeks instead of every week and when we were there yesterday( our last weekly app’t) on the elevator my hubby didn’t look where he was going and backed up and stepped on my foot and never even apologized either so I said, Watch it! but still instead of just saying sorry he blames me and goes, You should move further back! and so I said to him, If it were someone else you stepped on, I’d hope you’d at least say “sorry” to them and not “move to the back! You’re so rude! Just showing once again how he has zero consideration for me and he was condescending to me and put me down in front of the behaviour therapist too and she gave me this sad, sympathetic look, but at least she knows how he treats me and now other people see too how I’m emotionally abused; I have witnesses, it’s not just me saying so! He obviously doesn’t see anything wrong with it,either since he even does it in front of other people!

The NP also asked what’s the best treatment for anxiety and I blurted out Prozac! and she gives me this look and says, No……Cognitive Behaviour  Therapy! but she’s never been a big “fan” of medication though even though sometimes you really do need it, such as with me; I have a chemical imbalance and no amount of this psycho-babble mumbo-jumbo will fix a chemical imbalance; only medication can do that, and the 14 YR old was saying she’s still having trouble sleeping and they still wouldn’t give her anything for it except said to keep up with her “therapy techniques” and try melatonin, a natural treatment, and it made me mad; if she needs medication to sleep, to feel better,and to help with her obvious depression, then what’s the problem? It’s better than being suicidal, and I know what it feels like and I don’t want her suffering like that,esp. needlessly, and if medication may help her why not at least try it instead of  all this nonsense, esp. since it’s most likely genetic….

The social worker also asked the 14 YR old about reading and asked her if she likes the Harry Potter books and she said no, and she kept pressing, like she wanted her to try and she kept saying no, not interested, and I informed her, They’re occult and glorify witchcraft; we don’t get involved in that and she looked taken aback and then asked my hubby Do you  agree with this too? and of course he jumped at the chance to make me look like an idiot, to embarrass me, the only one, and he said, No, just her, I watched all the movies! so I added, But he’s a godless heathen and doesn’t care!  but at least she’d also get to see how he was so quick to leave me flapping in the wind all on my own like that, how eager he was to sell me out, to show no support, and he’s like that with everything and he never has my back or supports me and has such little regard for me that even in the van he hogs up all the cup holders for his drinks so I have no place( in the passenger seat up front) to put mine; it doesn’t matter, big things or little things; he jumps at every opportunity to put me down, to discredit me, to belittle me, to dismiss me, to devalue me, etc. and meeting him was my biggest regret in life and the happiest day in my life will be the day I finally divorce him.

I also wish I was the Old Me again. She knew how to smile. She used to laugh and have fun. She used to be happy.

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I saw this really cool car(just like this one) in a local car lot for the longest time as well and fell in love with it. This is the perfect car for me. I just love it and if I could drive this would be the car I’d get: 2016 blue Mustang with black stripe. It’s just so me. My foot’s getting better now,too, it looks smaller, not as red anymore and starting to scab over. It also concerns me the way the kids have no regard for God, Jesus, or religion, anymore,and the 14 YR old, for instance, refers to God as an invisible sky-daddy  and doesn’t even think He’s real and thinks I’m stupid for believing in something you can’t prove, and makes fun of my faith, they all do, my hubby and mother included, even though I did raise the kids godly and righteous…..I don’t know what happened…..they got indoctrinated by the world I guess and turned away from their faith and it breaks my heart but I pray every day that they come back…

 

God.

Screen Shot 05-17-17 at 08.29 AM My toxic family always makes fun of my religious beliefs, my faith,and my relationship with God, even though it’s the most important thing in my life. It means everything to me, it guides me, defines me, moulds me, shapes me, strengthens me, reassures me, gives me hope, comforts me, heals me, and is the core of my life, of my very being, of myself.  Praying to God is the first thing I do in the morning as soon as I wake up ( after I go pee, that is) and the last thing at night before I go to sleep, as well as various times throughout the day.I’m always chattering away to Him and I can envision Him doing a face-palm and going, Does this one ever shut up? It is what sustains me. God has given me strength beyond my own capacity, and when I’ve been drained completely empty He has given me strength, endurance, resilience,and ability and even hope when I was all out and when I didn’t have any left myself. When I fall down (which is alot!) He always lifts me back up. He’s there for me when no one else is.He has saved me more times than I can count. I know He will never let me down, leave me, or stop loving me, even when everyone else does.

My faith is God is the cornerstone of my life. I base all my moral dilemmas and life decisions upon it. It guides my moral compass. God has always warned, guided, protected, and provided for me. He loves me even when no one else does. He keeps me safe and gives me direction and peace. When I’m drowning He rescues me, when I’m struggling He pulls me back up again and again.  I even listen to God “speak” to me thru the Holy Spirit by “listening” to that still, small “voice” that impresses a thought, urge, image, dream, message, revelation, feeling, vision, or other “nudge”, hint, or sign of what He wants me to do or where to go according to His plan for my life, or as a sign, or an answer to my prayer,solution to a problem, or to give me a sign of hope or confirmation, and in some cases, even advanced warnings..

My family, of course, doesn’t believe any of this and just thinks I’m nuts. Well, we’re all nuts, but that’s besides the point.  I sincerely believe that God communicates to everyone; all they have to do is listen but sadly most people don’t listen, they don’t pay attention, they aren’t in “tune” to it, they’re on a different frequency, or they brush it off, or dismiss it as “coincidence” or a “fluke”, or perhaps as “good luck”, or “being in the right place at the right time” etc. not recognizing or realizing that it’s actually the Hand Of God at work, communicating with them, and guiding and protecting them.Of course, sometimes God also works thru others as well, and Him sending me Buddy when I was lonely and needed a friend was like an angel sent from Heaven. He always knows exactly what we need when we need it.

God wants us to talk with him. He wants to communicate with you. All you have to do is listen and pay attention and see it for what it really is.

Thought for the day:Death isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning.

The Poor Widow.

Screen Shot 04-15-17 at 08.24 AM 002 The other day I saw this old woman in church sitting ahead of me drop a few coins into the Offering ( collection basket) and I smiled as it reminded me of the Parable in the Bible that Jesus told of the poor widow and the coins, how even though it was only a few mere coins that the poor widow gave in tithing it was actually more generous and meant more than the abundance that the rich people give in all their wealth as they can afford to do it and have excess money  and won’t miss it and can spare it, whereas with her it’s more of a sacrifice as it’s all she has, and even though 10% tithing from a rich person brings in more, 10% from a poor person is more of a sacrifice as they have less to give…..so what they do give means so much more….

…..and then it got me thinking: then why is it any different for me? I always feel so badly about how little I can afford to tithe; even though I do contribute my 10% it only ends up being a measley 5$ a week and the kids always shame me,too, taunting how “cheap” I am, but I only get a small amount, and the rest goes to pay towards groceries and in the end I only end up with 20$ a month  to keep for myself for all my own personal needs(such as shampoo, deoderant, tampons, hair dye, suntan oil, etc) which doesn’t go very far or buy too much, so the church ends up getting the same amount I do, but it makes me feel so ashamed for being poor, esp. when I see other people putting in 20$ or even more a week, and it makes me feel so cheap, yet when I saw the old woman and her coins and remembered that parable…I am giving all I have, all I can afford to give and I used to give 10$ a week but that was before the gov’t my $$$ got cut in half….so now I have half as much….so I had to cut back as now the 10% also ends up being half as much and we’re really struggling financially, yet I still give what I can, yet feel badly it’s so little, so paltry, until it suddenly “clicked” and I realized I am also the Poor Widow. God understands if you give all you have, if you give from the heart , and that you can still  be  faithful, obedient, and generous with tithing without being wealthy, and God has a special love for the poor.

As well, I heard on the radio April the giraffe finally had her baby,too, a male calf, and I gave up watching a long time ago as I was convinced after it was taking so long ( a whole month!) that it must be a hoax, but when I heard I watched a re-cap video of the birth and the baby is just sooooo cute! He’s got this long skinny neck and he was twitching his little ears like hippos do and I just love,and when he was first trying to stand up and walk on those long wobbly legs it reminded me of myself trying to walk in high-heel shoes, and now my mother’s most-used saying, said in exhasperation and with a loud sigh, is Lord, give me patience! It’s become almost like a mantra for her lately!

I saw the nice Scottish lady too (not the Rich Lady, but another one, the neighbour at the corner) when I was walking Buddy and I told her I was sorry to hear about her husband ( who died last week) and she goes, Thank ye, thank ye!  and the poor woman just look so sad, so sorrowful, so grieved, you could tell it’s been a hard week on her, painfully etched in her face, and that the grief’s really hitting her hard and it looks in her face like she’s really aged, too; she’s at least 20 YRS younger than he was but with her grief she suddenly looks much older now and it’s just so sad; she must have really loved him. I wish I had a love like that,too, where you find your true love and soul-mate and you can grow old together, but I don’t have anything to offer(not looks or intelligence) anyone except love, and they’d still have to look past the physical and my limitations first  before they’d find it…..never going to happen….

I also had a “revelation” that I am going to Heaven, but I’m not to die until it’s my time and not before God calls me back Home  and not before I’ve completed what He sent me here to do….but what is that? I have no idea what my purpose in life is or what “mission” I have to accomplish first before I die; I used to think it was being a mother but that obviously didn’t turn out so well….I wonder what it is?

Our Easter.

Screen Shot 04-14-17 at 07.29 PM We had a big dinner for Easter, our Easter Feaster, in the dining room and my father-in- law also came. He surprised us with gift cards as well and the kids had an Easter egg hunt, the ones wrapped in coloured foil but the problem was every time I’d find them I’d go, oooh, chocolate! Found one! and I’d eat it ( finders keepers!) so there weren’t too many left for them to find! What can I say; chocolate is my biggest weakness. We sort of had a mixture of holidays too as we used the Thanksgiving tablecloth, Christmas napkins and made a Cross-shaped cake for Easter, and then the 15 YR old had to go and be blasphemous and ruin it by drawing an occult Jack ‘O Lantern for Satan’s Day on the holiest day of the YR, and put it on the Easter dinner table, doing something for Satan on Jesus’ day, and when I scolded her she sniffed to me, You can shut up now! She’s really a mouthy piece of work, and I never remember the 17 YR old being like that and having such attitude; sure she’s had her mouthy moments but she was never mean like her,and I’m so glad she doesn’t go to public school as I know beyond any doubt she’d be one of those mean bullies that picks on other kids.

Screen Shot 04-16-17 at 05.26 PM As well, Our dishwasher broke, my hubby thinks the damn mice chewed thru a wire so he told the girls to (horrors!) hand wash the dishes after Easter dinner but my mother told them no,leave them and  wait until today….so he just defers to her….he never stands up to her and she always meddles with the kids and undermines and over-rules our discipline and he never does anything about it, he’s not even a man but a pussy, and him and the kids have this secret they refuse to tell me,too, something about him and the 17 YR old; apparantly it’s the #1 of stupidest things he’s ever done, so epic it’s put him on the hit list and they refuse to tell me what it is as I’ll “put it on my blog” (well, now after that I’m going to for sure) and my guess is maybe he forgot to pay her cell phone bill or something and they cut off her service…..they never tell me anything, and they all like to mind-f*ck with me,too; they’ll take my stuff and then say I “must have been high on weed and did it myself and forgot”. They’re such assholes and they broke me. My family sucks.

The 13 YR old was also pondering and I heard her say maybe we’re actually dead and we’re just dreaming? and I also want her to know that I never stopped loving her even though there’s a distance between us now; I never wanted it; I’ve always loved her and I always will and she’ll always be my B.B; it was her that pushed me away and stopped talking to me, stopped confiding in me, stopped letting me hug her, etc. and pulled away and it broke my heart and I still hold out hope that I’ll get her back some day, esp. once she recovers from her eating disorder, and that’s the one thing my hubby and I are actually united on ; we’re working together to help her get better and we have to work as a team towards a common goal.

Screen Shot 04-16-17 at 08.51 AM 001 This is also my Easter stash: I got a hollow dog chocolate ( I always hope for a hippo but it doesn’t exist, at least not so far that I’ve seen, not here anyway, but I keep hoping one YR they’ll maybe come out with a zoo theme and have it) Lindor eggs and Cadbury Creme eggs. The kids got the same; a hollow chocolate, chocolate eggs and creme eggs. A neighbour also told me that G.P (Grass Picker) only has a few days left to live: she’s dying of throat cancer and they said if she had radiation she’d maybe have 3 more YRS but she decided against it as she’s 82 and she doesn’t want to feel sicker from the treatment and wants to be able to enjoy what time she does have left but the time has come and the priest came over and gave her the Sacrament Of the Sick. It’s sad and it will seem weird all summer not seeing her out on her lawn picking at her grass….it also seems everyone on our street’s either dying ( the old guy at the corner just died last week too) or selling their house( I saw at least 4 houses for sale) it’ll be a deserted street pretty soon….and then all new neighbours… the 13 YR old also said she thinks the girl 2 houses over that she used to play with is now transgender because she cut her hair short and only wears boy’s clothes….back in my day we used to just call people like that tomboys.