Never Doubt Your Faith.

Screenshot_414 Just recently I had what you would describe as a crisis of faith of sorts. It wasn’t that I ever doubted God though or my faith in Him, but rather  doubts within myself and my own reasoning the physical(evidence) was contradicting with the spiritual and I was torn and didn’t know what to believe and then a small, still voice impressed upon my heart: Never doubt your faith. Never doubt, most importantly, your faith in God, but also never doubt your faith in yourself and your abilities, capabilities, strength, resilience, endurance, and worth, and don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise.

Screenshot_413 I had been praying for a sign of roses from St. Therese that the lump under Buddy’s eye wasn’t cancer and he wasn’t dying anytime soon and I did keep seeing, everywhere, online, on TV, in ads, outside, in various colours, an obvious sign from St. Therese, even praying hands holding a rose, now that’s pretty obvious, and as about as clear as an answer and reassurance could be….

and yet…..

I was still afraid he had cancer and was dying because despite the answer to my prayer and despite my strong faith, the physical signs worried me greatly and caused me doubt, What if this  time it’s wrong?  What if it really wasn’t St. Therese who sent me the roses as a sign but someone else did, to deceive me? etc. and all kinds of doubts and fears plagued me and I wasn’t sure what to think and what to believe anymore and then I felt so guilty, so weak, that my faith  had been put to the test like that and I was struggling so much,losing, and that my doubts were seemingly stronger than my faith…I needed something concrete  I could hold on to for hope.


As it turned out my prayers were answered and the signs were legit: Buddy’s lump is much smaller and shrinking down now(and he’s feeling better today too and back to eating again) and if it was a tumour it wouldn’t just heal like that on it’s own, not without Divine healing, unless, of course, when I blessed him the other day,laid my hands on him and prayed a healing prayer over him God healed him? Either way, I’m just thankful and I just have to remember to never doubt my faith.

The Same Country.

Screenshot_372 This is the photo the oldest (pictured here, my God, I can’t believe it, but he’s going to be 30 next YR!!) on his balcony with SNOW in the background, from yesterday!! Yup, you read that right: yesterday! In September! Well, it is Canada though, and he( along with the 20 YR old) live in Edmonton, which gets snow really early compared to the rest of the country…..


Screenshot_373 after I finished laughing my ass off I sent him this photo in reply: of me here, still outside suntanning(ha, ha, sucker!), as that’s what the weather’s like here, and has been for the past week, and is supposed to continue to be for the next few days: hot, in the high 20’s or even 30 C range, with the humidex 33 C or so.It’s snowing where he is and scorching hot here. I can’t believe we live in the same country. I’m not sure if it’s Indian Summer or not though; is it too early(does it have to be later in fall?)  and is this just mere still summer lasting longer, and the heat of summer with it, and it has been a really hot, oppressive summer this YR, which means that next summer should be cooler, and this winter should be milder and less snow, because I’ve noticed a pattern; that’s how it seems to go, in a cycle, alternating every other YR.

I also saw Buddy attempting to jump up onto the rocking chair but he missed and I noticed he’d hit the bridge of his big nose (he’s a Dachshund, and they have big long noses) on the wooden chair and sort of “bounced” off backwards and the thought then occurred to me: could the lump under his eye possibly be an injury from that? Maybe he’s done this before (back in July, the last time he had it) hitting his nose resulting in swelling/bruise under his eye, like I had when I had a broken nose and ended up with black eyes…. I blessed him with holy water as well and laid my hands on him and said a healing prayer over him and I think it looks like the lump might actually even be a little smaller today, and after praying to St. Therese (who is known for sending roses as a sign) for reassurance he’s ok and it’s NOT cancer I keep on seeing LOTS of roses in various colours in various locations, and even one online that was a praying hands holding a rose. If that’s not an answer to prayer….I just love him so much I have so much to lose.


The Family Curse.

voodooDoll It would now seem that my family curse has now moved beyond me and been passed onto my kids as well: I’ve always been plagued by bad luck, misfortune, tragedy, things always going wrong, never going right or working out, been that unlucky one-out-of-a-million, etc. you get the idea, and now it’s happening to others in my family as well. I have always wondered if maybe I’ve been cursed, or if my parents were, as I don’t know honestly what else would cause such a lifetime of bad luck…. When my hubby and the girls stayed in Ottawa for the 16 YR old’s cheerleading competition on the weekend their hotel room had no heat and it was really cold. Of course everyone else’s rooms were ok and due to Winterlude the hotels were all booked up so they couldn’t even get another room. A guy came and tried to fix it but it only worked a bit and they were freezing all night.Just our luck. That’s the kind of thing that always happens to me. As well as that I found out the reason the 18 YR old didn’t get the editor position she applied for on her campus newspaper is because they never got the e-mail she sent applying for it so now she’s a columnist instead. Also the same thing that would happen to me. I guess now the curse is being passed down to the next generation….

The 16 YR old’s team won third place in the competition and she said to me the other day in a taunting way that I spent my entire life trying to be popular too but I didn’t; I never wanted or tried to be popular (those girls were mean and I never wanted to be a part of that) I just wanted to stop being bullied; I just wanted to be left alone. In Church yesterday they were also blessing throats and for other illnesses for the Feast Day of St. Blaise so I waited in line and went up for blessing as I need all the help I can get,and it worried me after Buddy did a shit as well and I wiped his ass ( because I don’t want skid marks on the furniture!) there was alot of blood but he seems ok otherwise and still eating so hopefully it was just something that he ate and nothing serious….

In Church we also had a reading from Job and it described me and my life and how I feel exactly:

“Is not all human life a struggle?
Our lives are like that of a hired hand,
like a worker who longs for the shade,
like a servant waiting to be paid.
I, too, have been assigned months of futility,
long and weary nights of misery.
Lying in bed, I think, ‘When will it be morning?’
But the night drags on, and I toss till dawn.
My body is covered with maggots and scabs.
My skin breaks open, oozing with pus.
Job Cries Out to God
“My days fly faster than a weaver’s shuttle.
They end without hope.
O God, remember that my life is but a breath,
and I will never again feel happiness.
Job 7: 1-7

The Relic.

Screen Shot 01-13-18 at 06.54 PM This is the mummified arm of St. Francis Xavier, a Catholic Saint. It has been preserved and what the Church refers to as “incorrupt.” The faithful come and venerate it to show respect and honour, as one would a king. It’s currently “on tour” if you will, across the country and is currently in Toronto now where they showed on the news this huge big long line-up of people patiently waiting to get a glimpse of it and to venerate it.

I just think that’s gross.

That’s one thing about my religion that I could never understand or relate to; relics. It just grosses me out to venerate dead body parts of anyone, Saints or otherwise. It also seems an awful lot like idol worship, when the only one we’re to worship is God, although it’s ok to show others respect God is the only one that you worship, and besides, the idea of being fascinated with, gawking at, lining up for, touching, venerating, or having any sort of curiousity with any part of a dead person just seems macabre, disturbing,and sick,, and as the 16 YR old would say, Too much H.B. (human body) and besides, I thought the Church said that people have to be buried( or cremated) anyway, and not to have their bodies disposed of in any other way,and I’d think that having them on display like some rare museum piece must be disrespectful to the dead, and to God, whom worship is due alone.

Screen Shot 01-13-18 at 06.52 PM This is also the 16 YR old’s new pet hamster. It’s only 9 weeks old so hopefully will live longer than her last one which only lived for a month or so. She named this one Aries. She has to keep it away from Buddy though and keep her bedroom door closed at all times, otherwise the poor little hamster will end up his appetizer. Isn’t it just the cutest thing though? It’s so fluffy and soft,too!

Trump also is now under fire for more racist comments, this time for referring to African-origin countries as Shithole countries and at first I just thought he meant poor underdeveloped Third World countries, like Banana Republics, which was insulting and bad enough(and not professional, diplomatic, or Presidential) but then found out it was actually racist,too; that he was actually talking about countries where Black people come from…..he’s such an asshole,and the only shithole is his mouth!

St. Therese’s Roses.

Screen Shot 03-08-17 at 06.40 PM St. Therese is my fave. Saint. She promised that she would send roses from Heaven and is well-known for answering petitions of prayer by sending you the sign of a rose. It’s sort of like asking a friend of yours to intercede for you to the boss,to put in a good word for you, maybe to get a promotion or a raise, or to have someone you know recommend you to his boss for a job opening, like a referral, passing on an intention, or favour. In this case, she intercedes to God for you, on your behalf, and then when your prayer is granted she sends you a sign of reassurance of roses. She has never failed me. Her roses really send me comfort and peace and do alot to ease my worry, anxiety,and uncertainty as I know in the end everything’s going to come out ok.I have faith, but I still need reassurance,too.

I can’t even begin to count the many times I’ve asked her to intercede for me and to ask God to grant us health, safety, protection, a good medical test result, good news, healing, recovery from disease,something to go in our favour, even a miracle, and she has always come thru,and she has always sent me the sign of roses, reassuring me that, like Bob Marley says, every little thing gonna be all right,and she’s never let me down and never been wrong.

I have had my sign of roses show up in many various and different ways; I have received actual roses myself, or I see them on the altar at church, or I see them on TV, on a site I go to online, on some ad somewhere, in a prayer request I come across, on a rosary that’s arrived in the mail, on a photo, in a movie or on a TV show, on the cover of a novel,etc. This time, with our latest crisis I prayed my typical petition and within an  hour I saw roses on 4 different websites ,incl. 2 on the same site, and one of them was even this picture here, of St. Therese herself holding roses and a Crucifix, and on a daily basis ever since then I’ve still been receiving the sign of roses every day, as an ongoing reassurance, so I have the comfort in my heart that we’ll get thru this crisis,too, with God’s help, just like we have with all the others.

How I See Myself.

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 01.18 PM Being ugly has affected my self-esteem, or rather, lack of self-esteem. I don’t even like looking in the mirror and even when I try to look good it’s still a dismal failure. I hate what I see and I hate  myself for  being ugly,too, and whenever I see myself in the mirror or in photos I just want to destroy myself. I see myself looking as hideous as these photos I have posted here, that I found on a site about botched plastic surgery, making them look worse than before, grotesque-looking,and this is what I see and how I see myself.

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 01.18 PM 001 Someone(I forgot who) told me once that I probably have Body Dismorphic Disorder, where I see flaws that aren’t there and see myself as ugly when I’m not, but I’ve been called ugly and been  told I’m ugly my entire life for a reason, and everyone can’t be wrong, and I have eyes; I can see, I *know* what I look like, and I look like a man in drag with my masculine features.If I don’t wear make-up I look like a dude, and if I  do then I look like a drag-queen, so I still can’t win!

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 01.19 PM My friend T says that I’m “Too hard on myself” and I probably AM, but with good reason. There’s a reason  guys have never been attracted to me, never flirted with me, never “hit” on me, never approached me, and I had to settle for the first and one and only guy that ever showed any interest; neither of us could do any better. Being ugly really sucks.

Screen Shot 08-29-16 at 01.19 PM 001 I am no better-looking than the ones in these photos. I think I look hideous, actually, and no convincing will make me think otherwise, not that anyone would ever try to convince me though, because it’s the truth. It’s really  hard being ugly though, and it complicates life and limits choices and opportunities that I would have otherwise had if I had been more attractive.

Screen Shot 09-01-16 at 12.57 PM As well, something sort of neat happened: I sent a message to Dieufaite Charles(seen here) telling him that I saw him perform at the CNE and I loved it…..and he actually replied,and said he really appreciated  my support and encouragement! His name actually means “God Does” in French,too. I also read an unflattering article about Mother Teresa, that she’s not  actually the wonderful person that we all think she is and now I feel all disillusioned and I wish I hadn’t known that and wish I had never found out, and PM Trudeau is in China,too, and he lectured the Chinese about “human rights abuses” but he’s such a  hypocrite when here in this country you can’t speak out against homosexuality or you get charged with a “hate crime”(no “free speech”)and look at how badly the Native People are being treated! The Chinese should be lecturing him on human rights abuses HERE!

I also had the *BEST* orgasm of my entire  LIFE after I’d smoked weed! OMG it was mind-blowing I literally saw stars; it took me to an whole new level and all I could think of was, “Holy shit!!” It was incredible and I never knew being high “magnified” it so much! My hubby also insulted me and said I “should be a sloth instead of a hippo” and my mother chased Buddy away again as he tried to go in the kitchen to get a drink and when I said she was mean and scares him she snickered, “Good, and proud  of it,too!” Why is she such a  bitch? When they insult me and I get mad they blame me too saying *I* “can’t take a joke” and “don’t have a sense of humour” but it’s NOT a “joke” and it’s NOT “funny”; it’s mean-spirited and they  know it! My toxic family sucks. I’m ugly on the outside, but they’re ugly on the inside.



My New Hippo.

VDayHippo Here is the new gigantic hippo I bought! It’s purple and has hearts on it’s feet for Valentine’s Day! It’s really BIG,too, almost as big as the 8 YR old! There was only ONE of them at the store so I just HAD to buy it even though it cost 30$…..I just *didn’t* tell my mother(I snuck it up into my room and she doesn’t read my blog so she’ll never know….shit…I’m 49 YRS old and I STILL have to hide things from my mother!!) but you know, it’s a HIPPO(so it goes without saying!) and besides, sometimes you just have to indulge yourself, right?

NewHippos(new) Here it is beside one I got awhile ago that’s the same size, only in pink. I remember I got that one at Wal-Mart although I don’t remember what I paid for it. I named them “Pinky” and “Violet”. Yes….I DO give my stuffed toys names! (I’m “mental” like that!!)

I also got my fave. priest yesterday in church so I went to Confession and as I confessed my suicide attempt he said that he’s suffered from depression too and can sympathize and that he’s been praying for me, and that I survived swallowing over 40 morphine pills without dying or ending up brain damaged is a miracle and that God saved me for a purpose and has a plan for my life. We also had our throats blessed in honour of St. Blaise’s upcoming Feast Day and the Rich Lady was there as well(I hadn’t seen her in awhile) and she was dressed as classy as ever and I bet she flies First Class!(I wish I was her.)

I was shocked and saddened as well to hear another of my Facebook friends died suddenly and unexpectantly; she lived in the UK and was 57 YRS old. She’d had surgery 3 weeks ago and was also battling depression so it will be interesting to see what the coroner’s report says is the cause of death and she’s my fourth Facebook friend that’s died now! The 14 YR old also entered a contest at Subway and won a free sub,  and I saw an American commercial on TV and they advertised the dog food we get only there it was only 70 cents a tin and here WE pay close to 3.00$ a tin, as always getting over-charged and ripped-off for everything,and a magazine subscription they’re charged only 67 cents an issue and here I pay 5.99$ an issue!

The worse thing I ever heard that ISIS did as well: I read a news article: they were starving a Yazidi woman for days and then finally gave her a feast to eat, incl. with lots of meat and after she had eaten it they finally told her what it was: it was her 3 YR old son that she had eaten that they had killed! I can’t think of anything worse, more evil, or more inhuman! I swear, they MUST be the Anti-Christ…..