F*ck.

Screenshot_994 F*ck, I’m feeling really, really shitty now. My abdomenal pain is so bad now I’d rate it a solid 8 out of 10 on the pain scale, plus I also have bad cramps, the bad sore back(as always), tired, swollen, achy legs(and so bloated I look like a Puffer fish) and I feel nauseated and sick and just so…..ugh…. I’m bleeding a bit again,too, and I don’t know whether or not it’s a bit of Aunt Flow (which I last had in early June) even though I seem to be in menopause now, or more abnormal bleeding, and yesterday it was so bad and I felt so sick I practically slept most of the day and I took a Tramadol; I still have 5 or so left I keep saved for an emergency; when the pain gets so bad I can’t bear it anymore. I have it pretty much daily now, it’s a constant thing, but some days are better, others worse,now it’s gotten to a point where it’s just a daily chronic thing, and I couldn’t even go to church yesterday I was in such bad shape; I know there’s no way I could stand, or even sit, that long,and my mother said, You know it must be bad if you don’t even go to church!

I also tried to have a nap I feel so crappy, and Buddy came up and joined me, burrowing under the blankets, snuggling in next to me,keeping me company, keeping an eye on me, and he was extra whiny and pawing at me,too, like he knows I don’t feel well, only I couldn’t sleep as I kept hearing what sounded like some asshole on a roof really close by, hammering and sawing, making a huge racket…I just wanted to strangle the f*cker with his extension cord…. and as it turned out it was my hubby, right out on our veranda, right below me on the balcony, putting up the Christmas lights! The Tramadol didn’t do shit, either for the pain, and I’d really be surprised if it’s not cancer actually, and really feel in my heart that it is…..

The 15 and 17 YR olds were also planning on taking the train up to Ottawa just the 2 of them at the end of the month to visit the 19 YR old for a few days over a weekend and hang out, visit, go shopping, etc. and they were really excited and looking forward to it too and planned it for awhile and now the 19 YR old cancelled out on them; she has to work, which I think is a really shitty thing to do; she knows it means so much to them; she should have just told her boss she has family coming in from out of town and requested those days off. The 15 YR old shrugged, Plans change… but I could tell that she was really disappointed. That really sucks.The 24 YR old also said that the average guy has to either have sex or jerk-off 1-3 times a day,too, so guys are even more depraved than I thought they were(and whenever I say guys are perverts the 15 YR old always accuses me of stereotyping….but it’s true……they are!) and if that’s true then my hubby must be getting it somewhere then because he hasn’t touched me in 12 years…..

Shit On A Stick.

Screen Shot 06-15-17 at 04.36 PM I went to the doctor’s and had my BP checked. It was the nurse that did it,actually; I never even saw the doctor himself. She had the BP cuff attached on for several minutes and it automatically squeezed on and off, constricting like a huge snake, cutting off my circulation and making my arm go numb, taking readings and everything’s good, all in the normal range, as to be expected since I’ve been on the meds for my high BP for 5 YRS or so now so I’d hope they’d be working!At it’s highest my BP had been 175/150! I also got a colon cancer screening test kit and she explained to me how it works and the mystery about how I get the shit sample has been solved at last!

There’s a cardboard-like thing( seen in the photo here) with 3 separate flaps on it and you don’t actually send an entire turd off to be tested, but just a smear, a fudge smudge basically, it’s pretty much shit on a stick. The kit also comes with 3 wooden “popsicle” style sticks to scrape the shit off with(ewww!) and then you put the tiny samples on the paper, 3 separate days’ worth and then seal it up and put it in the provided envelope along with the requisition form the doctor already filled out and mail it off to the lab and in 1-2 weeks the doctor gets the results. They’re basically looking for blood in the shit, which is often an indicator of colon cancer, and if it shows up I’ll get a call and go in for further testing such as a colonoscopy, which is basically like having a garden hose with a tiny camera on it shoved up my ass. I had a similar thing done at the other end 3 times ; an endoscopy, for my stomach ulcers, where the tube went down my throat and into my stomach. Most of my shits are diarrhrea though so I hope that won’t be a problem in getting a sample, that it won’t be too “runny” to stick to the paper  or to be tested. This is just so gross…..

I also got more cannabis oil, which arrived just the next day after I ordered it online, and the 15 YR old, 14 YR old and myself were in the livingroom, them playing a video game and me listening to my music, when out of nowhere the 14 YR old said to me, Your hair’s so  gross! ( my buzz-cut) which I thought was sort of mean and uncalled for, so I replied, At least I wash mine! ( in reference to her hair always being so dirty, greasy and unwashed) and then she got all offended and snippy and said that I’m “rude” when she started it and insulted me first. She can dish it out but she can’t take it, typical bully reaction, and I’m really tired of always being insulted, bullied, put down, and generally just mistreated, disrespected, and treated like shit, and I’m not going to take it anymore, and whenever anyone insults me, is mean to me, puts me down, or degrades or belittles me in any way I just give it right back to them. I stand up for myself and don’t let them push me around. If they’re going to be such assholes then I’m going to call them out on it! F*ck ’em!!

The Candle.

screen-shot-01-30-17-at-12-28-pm I finally found something I wanted for my late birthday gift from my hubby so I ordered it online but due to popular demand it’ll take 6 weeks to arrive: a Charmed Aroma candle! (and no, this isn’t a sponsored post! I am not a sell-out.) It’s a wonderful scented candle that has a hidden treasure inside, either a ring or necklace! Once the wax has melted down beyond a certain amount there’s an aluminum bag with your prize inside! My girls,  the 22 YR old’s GF,my former sister-in-law,and some of my friends all have them and they just smell soooo good and once the candle’s all burned out you still have a piece of jewellery left! They are valued anywhere from 10$- 5000$ with the average appearing to be around 150$.

I ordered the coconut vanilla one ( anyone that knows me knows that my fave. scents are coconut and lilac!)  I also chose the one with the ring. I burn incense in my room every night before bed anyway, for a nice, relaxing aroma to help me sleep, so before I turn the lights out for the night I can use the candle to fill my room with a fragrant aroma(and then blow it out before I go to sleep; we already had one  FIREwe don’t need another!) It was also either my mother or my hubby(I forgot who) that said putting the jewellery in there was a clever way to sell candles, and how else would you ever get someone to pay 30$ for a candle? (Ok, with shipping it ended up being 38$…but I’m not sure if that’s Canadian or American….so if it’s American it’ll actually end up being more like over 50$)

As well, I got sooo assed- out on weed  when I saw Buddy  run quickly by I thought at first  he was a groundhog( because he’s the same colour) and then later on it looked like his fur was changing to 2 colours  and swirling, and I also thought I saw a penguin outside,I   was  also convinced that speculating isn’t a real word, and could even feel the taste of chocolate(which was  beyond ecstasy, BTW). Yup. It was like that.

The Flying Hippo.

screen-shot-10-16-16-at-08-46-am I had this weird dream last night (and I hadn’t even been smoking weed,either, it was just my vivid and active imagination) that I was riding a flying hippo! Yes, I’m aware that hippos don’t really fly (duh!) but dreams are funny, and I had to hold on to it’s neck wrinkles for dear life so that I wouldn’t fall off, and we were up so high it was like being up in a plane  where you’re up high but still low enough that you can still see and clouds were whisking by us, looking like fog, and not only could I see myself in the dream but I was also seeing things from the hippo’s perspective as well, incl. that it thought I must have been some sort of insect it kept trying to swat off by twitching it’s ears and thinking to itself, “I have to make more sweaty secretions to get rid of it” and then a flying elephant came and starting attacking my hippo(I even reached out and touched the tip of it’s trunk!) and the hippo fought back and the elephant scampered off, defeated, and I was glad to have such a good hippo and glad to have survived it, thinking, “I don’t care if I die, but not like this!“(falling thousands of feet in the air)….and that was the end of the dream! Weird,huh?

My imagination got the better of me yesterday in church as well: half-way during Mass this suspicious-looking guy wearing all black came in and sat right next to me(doesn’t it figure?) and he was shifty-looking,and kept looking down at the ground,and never put in any $$$ in the collection plate,either, and I thought he was a terrorist and half-expected him to set off a bomb, right there in the church (and churches have often been the targets of terrorist bombings) and so there I was, beyond uneasy, just waiting, waiting for the moment I thought that he’d most likely do it, but not going to say or do anything in case what if I was wrong and just over-reacting and everyone would think I’m some sort of crazy crank? So there I was, trying to calculate the most ‘likely’ time during the Mass that he’d set off the bomb….holy shit…and I was watching him like a hawk….and then he’d left early so I scanned his spot in case he left anything behind and wondered if he was going to set off the bomb by cellphone….

Obviously nothing happened, and I have to stop letting my imagination get carried away, thinking a bomber was sitting next to me, and all these scenarios going thru my head, that I would be one of the first to “go” if so,right next to it, but at least it would be quick but there would be nothing of me left….and what if they wrongly think that  did it once they determine the location of the blast? It reminds of of the time flying to Germany when I was convinced the guy sitting next to me on the plane that the police escorted on and kept leaving to go to the bathroom for long periods was a terrorist(it turned out he was just being deported)…..shit….I have to stop watching so many movies…

Gross Truths.

screen-shot-09-15-16-at-04-28-pm Have you ever read the truth about what really happens to your body when and after you give birth? All the true but gross details? Probably not. Well, I am here to enlighten you, a public service, if you will. All the pregnancy and birth books gloss over it, or maybe purposely leave it out as so not to scare you off or gross you out, and you probably wouldn’t want to believe it anyway, so here goes….

Contractions themselves feel like a tight belt of spikes facing inward being tightly squeezed around your middle and then the actual birth itself feels like your cooch is being pried open by a tire iron and the a blow torch being turned on. The baby’s head feels like a bowling ball and the birth itself feels like you’re shitting a football. If you want to know what it feels like, pull your lips back over your head, then you sort of get the idea. It’s not “discomfort” like the birthing books will try and tell you, it’s excruciating everlasting ungodly, unholy pain! It burns and it hurts! You are being stretched like never before, and your yoo-hoo will very likely( unless it’s made of elastic!) either tear or be cut and then be later stitched up, and when that happens it stings like a motherf*cker.

You are never fully prepared for your recovery after the baby is born. First of all, your belly looks like a big deflated balloon( as seen in the photo here), all stretched out, saggy,flabby, and just hangs there helplessly, sort of like a hot water bottle, or like a Shar-Pei dog, with all it’s wrinkles and folds. It’s a shocking, horrid sight that will literally bring you to tears, and no, it will not get much better unless, of course, you get a tummy-tuck. You will never get your body back the way it once was.

You will bleed like a stuck pig, and it can last for up to 6 weeks! I was shocked at how much blood there was, and standing up in the shower after the birth it just poured out of me like a faucet, and I even passed clots ranging in size from golfball-sized to fist-sized. It looked like my insides were falling out! I honestly thought I was bleeding to death there was so much  blood.I honestly don’t know how a person can possibly lose so much blood and still survive.I wish I had been prepared for how much you bleed after.

Afterpains. These get worse with each subsequent pregnancy, and it’s as the uterus contracts to shrink itself back down to normal size and also is triggered when the baby breastfeeds,and they can be quite painful, painful like contractions,and enough for Tylenol 3, and when you get them you can feel the blood gushing out of you as well. It’s just awful and one of those things they don’t tell you about.

Sitting down. Your bottom area will be sore for quite awhile after. It has been traumatized beyond measure and I wasn’t able to sit for literally a week afterwards with my first baby. I found that soaking in a tub of epsom salts for 30 minute periods helped, as did wearing a Tucks medicated pad, the same kind for hemmoroids.You can also make the same kind yourself by putting witch hazel on a maxi pad.

Bathroom function: It will burn when you pee for the first few days but I found that using a squeeze bottle with warm water on the area as you go pee is soothing and helps, and you will be constipated,too. I wasn’t able to shit for a good week. Your body is so traumatized it’s almost like it “forgot” how to shit! Take stool softeners and laxatives. My first shit was like a rock.

Breast-feeding. It may be natural but it’s not “easy”. It can even take up to 2 weeks for a baby to get the hang of latching on properly and it can be frustrating. When your milk comes in and your boobs are engorged(esp. first thing in the morning, but even if you go too long between feeds) and they will be hard, hot, heavy, veins bulging, sore, and leaking thru your shirt, and I mean really leaking; the front of your shirt will end up soaked! You will wake up in the mornings with 2 big round wet circles on the front of your shirt. I found wearing nursing pads( which fit in your bra) helped.

Sex: This is what got you into this mess in the first place, so you probably won’t be thinking about it for awhile and it’s likely the last thing on your mind with your broken body and your sleepless nights(you will feel like a prisoner of war you will be so sleep deprived with a newborn) but you must wait 6 weeks anyway for the body to heal and be warned: expect it to hurt the first time you do it after you’ve had a baby as the area will still be tender as it’s healing.

 

What If I’m Wrong?

Screen Shot 09-04-16 at 11.37 AM I’ve always thought my entire life, ever since I was a kid, that I would die before I’m 50, and if that’s true then it’s going to be really soon as I’m running out of time as I turn 50 in January. I’d just always had a feeling, and thought, hoped, assumed,planned, and accepted it……

But what if I’m wrong?

What if all this time I was wrong and I don’t ? What if January and my birthday comes and goes and I turn 50 and I’m still here? Then what? I hadn’t counted on that or planned that far. I have no “back up plan”, I can’t even  imagine YRS, or even worse, decades still left to live; what will I do with myself? I hadn’t planned on living that long…but what if it turns out I’m wrong and I don’t die before I’m 50 afterall? I had never really considered it before and just sort of always assumed it, but now it’s really close  the thought occurred, what if  not? Then what?

For one thing I will be really disappointed, let-down, and pissed-off. I don’t want to live any longer than I  have to and the sooner I go, the better. If I turn 50 and I’m still here I’m going to be really mad and I’ll never hear the end of it from my family,too; but why would I  have that life-long feeling if it weren’t true though?(and I had the same kind of feeling for YRS we’d have a fire too and we did) I still have a few short months left to “test” the theory but if it proves to be wrong I don’t know what I’m going to DO…..

Screen Shot 09-04-16 at 07.28 PM Here is also a picture of some of the guys at FanExpo in their hand-made costumes.I think my hubby looks kind of like Ozzy Osbourne, ha,ha! I have absolutely no idea who they’re supposed to be; some anime characters. They got back home in time for my hubby to pick me up after church but he still didn’t and I had to walk and I was all hot,tired,and out of breath and I was mad; he could have at least picked me up so I’d only have to walk the one way,  and for lunch we ordered in pizza too and could only have 2 pieces each and of course my mother snatched up the biggest piece and her one piece was as big as both of mine together(plus she had another one as well) so I wrote “pig” on a note and put it on her pizza….and then she wrote a note for me that said “Pothead” and left it on my place-setting.

Walking home from church yesterday I almost got hit by a car too as I was daydreaming and not paying attention and that happens alot; my head’s always up in the clouds, and who says fantasies, dreams, and rich imaginations are only for kids? No way! I *still* have an active fantasy life and lively imagination and you’re never too “old” to dream! I happen to like living in my head and I prefer it as it’s better than my reality.