Bob ‘Mon And Sunflowers.

 

 

I have been looking in the stores for awhile now for a 2019 Bob Marley wall calendar for the wall beside my computer, for my little nook in the play room but I haven’t been able to find it, not even at the malls in Kingston or Toronto, not even in the kiosk that sells calendars,  not even in record stores or card stores,not even both my hubby and I always checking in  to look every time we’re in the area, and so I was starting to get worried, Oh, shit….what if they’re not making them anymore? What if they don’t have them this year? either that, or they only have a few at each location and they sell out quickly; either way I’m having trouble finding it and not able to get one, so I decided to go on the website of the calendar distributor and see at least if it’s even available, and I was relieved and pleased to find out that it still is, as it rightfully should be since Bob Marley is a classic and his music is eternal.

So now I have the dilemma: do I wait and see if it ever comes in the stores and save on shipping costs( I’m really big on not having to pay shipping, esp. here in this country where shipping fees are generally at least the same, if not more, than what you pay for the actual item!) but risk the chance they never do and I miss out (like I often do in life and end up regretting) or order it now online and pay shipping but at least I know I’m guaranteed a calendar, and even with the postal delays with the strike I don’t need it until early January anyway so I still have time…..oh, what to do….

As it turned out, they had a special if you pay 36$ or more you get free shipping and the calendar was 18.99$ before taxes and so I figured Why not just buy another one; get 2 and that way I get free shipping? and at the cost of shipping I might as well get another calendar as it’s practically going to be the same price anyway, and this way I feel better I’m not paying for shipping, and this way I get a Bob Marley and also a sunflowers calendar for my bedroom wall,too! My hubby doesn’t see the logic in it though and fails to see how I “saved” any $$$$ when I ended up actually spending more but for me it makes perfect sense, solves my dilemma, I don’t have to pay shipping, and I end up with an extra calendar!

As well, my mother and I have started listening to Christmas music already. The 11 YR old originally first put it on sort of as a joke to annoy us but it turned out we liked it and it’s already November and Christmas is just next month so it’s really not that early, although I’m still not going to decorate or put up the tree until the end of the month, once Advent begins. Some people argue not to until after Remembrance Day on the 11th but just like not everyone celebrates Christmas, not everyone celebrates Remembrance Day,either, people like me, for example, that don’t glorify the military and war, and that pray for peace and for the innocent victims of war and for an end to war, not to show support and encouragement for those who wage war and kill other human beings!!!!

Buddy has been also trying to hump my leg constantly all day and it’s like he’s attracted to it like a cat is to catnip and I wonder why all of a sudden and then it occurred to me: maybe now it’s the wintery season and I wear long pants and leggings I stop shaving until spring so maybe now my legs are hairy he likes it and it turns him on or something? He’s also extra whiny, protective, guarding to me, and barking as if he’s trying to alert me, as if he can sense and is trying to tell us something’s wrong, and I increasingly think it’s with me, like maybe I’m dying, dying soon, maybe even just a matter of weeks or even days, and he can sense it and it makes him uneasy, and he gets like this before I have a seizure as well. I also do wonder if I have cervial cancer or something,too, esp. as I continue to get more and more fatigued, have no energy, have abdomenal, stomach,and back pain, bloating, nausea, bad fluid retention, and always feel so drained, run-down, deflated,and like something’s literally sucking the life out of me… in any case, if I do die soon, like before next year, at least my family can still use my calendars, and every time they look at them they can be reminded of me.

How I Feel.

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Eagles Fly by Sammy Hagar

Sunday morning 9 a.m.
I saw fire in the sky
I felt my heart pound in my chest
I heard an eagle cry

Now I’m alive, I can breathe the air
Feel the wind, smell the earth in the air
I watch an eagle rise above the trees
Project myself into what he sees

Hey, take me away
Come on and fly me away
Take me up so high
Where eagles fly

I often dream I sail through the sky
I’ve always wished I could fly
The simple life of a bird on the wing
Oh Lord, I could sing

Hey, take me away
Come on, fly me away
Lift me up so high
Where eagles fly, oh yeah

I’m alive, I breathe the air
Wash the earth from my face
I catch a glimpse of another dream
I turn, I look there’s no trace

Take me away
Come on, fly me away
I wanna fly away, pick me up so high
Where eagles fly, oh yeah

Eagles fly
Oh, take me away
Eagles fly
Oh, take me away

Come on, let’s fly away
Where eagles fly
Come on, fly away
Where eagles fly

 

Anxiety Makes You Look Like An Asshole.

Screenshot_798 I saw this on Facebook and wanted to share it here as it describes me and my life with anxiety perfectly:

Anxiety Makes You Look Like An Asshole

I don’t reach out to people.

I’m terrified of talking on the phone and starting conversations with strangers. I’m even scared of texting certain friends and coming on too strong, of graduating from a concerned friend to an annoying nuisance. So I delete messages. I wait too long to answer back. I don’t let on that I care.

But I care more than anyone realizes. I care so much it hurts.

I come across as a snob, because I find it hard to talk, hard to force a smile. But I’m not trying to be a bitch. I’m only trying to survive — because, to me, social interaction is a war zone. It makes my cheeks redden, my lungs flutter.

That’s why I don’t look people in the eye as they’re talking to me. I look at their lipstick, at the wall behind them, I might even glance down at my phone. It makes me seem like I don’t give a damn about what they have to say, but avoiding their gaze is just a crutch. I’m paying closer attention than they can imagine. Absorbing every word.

I’m not a good conversationalist — and it makes me seem like a shitty friend.

I don’t jump into conversations. I’m quiet in groups. People assume that I’m sitting there, judging them for every word that pops out of their lips when really I’m in awe of how easily they can communicate. How natural it is for them. How human they are and how fucked up I am.

Of course, they don’t realize that I have anxiety. They just think I’m quiet. Shy.

No, they don’t realize I have anxiety, because I’m not shaking at the table and hyperventilating into a paper bag. My meltdowns happen before I see them.

The night before, on my drive there, in the car — I’m freaking out the entire time. Imagining all of the things that could go wrong. Picturing how embarrassed I’ll be.

But when I’m finally in public, I internalize everything. I try to minimize my physical symptoms to avoid drawing attention to myself — but just because I calmed my shaking doesn’t mean I’ve calmed my mind.

I’m still anxious. I’m just not showing it. Secretly, I’m freaking out over what I look like. Freaking out over what to say next. Freaking out over why someone across the room gave me a strange look.

And if I need to compose myself, I’ll escape to the bathroom and heavy breathe inside of a stall or splash water across my face, and then walk back into the room like I’m perfectly fine.

But I’m not fine. Anxiety makes sure I’m never fine.

It makes me hate myself. It makes me turn down opportunities that I know I’d enjoy. It makes me stay quiet when I have something important to say.

It makes me look like a complete asshole.

But that’s not true at all. I’m just someone that’s trying to get through the day. Someone that wants to be liked, but feels like they’ll never belong.

Frederick’s.

Screenshot_792 There’s now a new mystery of sorts at our house: every day in the laundry I see a bunch of sexy skimpy lingerie(both bras and pantites, incl. lacy things and even thongs!), really trashy, slutty-looking things, even a shiny metallic-looking silver sparkly thong, things that a stripper , a porn star, or a hooker would wear, only the thing is I don’t know who they belong to and when I asked no one would fess up, no doubt probably embarrassed. There must be close to a dozen of them in total, in all different colours, all lacy and skimpy and inappropriate, esp. considering it must belong to one of the girls, either the 15 or 17 YR old, or at least I hope it’s one of the girls and NOT my hubby’s, the 11 YR old’s or the 24 YR old’s, who are guys! I also hope it’s not my mother’s, as she’s 77 for f*ck’s sake! I don’t even want to think about that!! I just assume they belong to one of the girls but in our crazy family who knows….

I’m an adult, a married woman and I’ve never worn trashy things like that ever in my entire life, not even when I was younger, not even when I was thin and had a decent body; I just don’t think it’s decent or appropriate to look like a slut and wear trashy lingerie, but it’s even worse when it’s just kids and teens wearing it,and why would they even want to,anyway? Who exactly even sees it, and it also makes me worry that they might be doing inappropriate things with it, like sexting rude photos or putting XXX videos up online to perverts or God knows what…. it really baffles and concerns me, and where do they even get it from,anyway? Do they secretly order it online or what? It reminds me of the sleazy stuff they sell at Frederick’s of Hollywood. I remember when I lived in L.A going into the store in Hollywood once, just out of curiosity, and I just laughed and blushed and there was alot of, Oh, my God! I wonder what this is for? Ewwww, that’s so gross! and the like but I’ve never actually bought anything there,and thongs look so uncomfortable,too, like always having a wedgie stuck in your butt-crack!

With bad anxiety like I have makes everything extra hard in life as well and every little deviation, for example, sends me into a panic attack as I always assume the worst and it causes me great worry and distress. An example would be that if the girls leave early for work, for example, I’d fear that maybe they went off to commit suicide or to run away or something, or if someone’s late coming home I worry they got abducted or were in a car accident and I imagine them laying in the middle of the road run over, or if Buddy’s laying down sleeping all stretched out flat and breathing slowly instead of just assuming he’s in a good deep sleep I worry he’s dying,etc. my mind plays all kinds of tricks on me and all kinds of horrible thoughts and scenarios always play thru my head and cause me so much anxiety and stress. That’s the one thing that I look forward to most in Heaven(as well as happiness and love) is peace of mind, that my mind can be at ease and not always consumed with worry, anxiety, and fear, not always on edge and nervous, so bad that I’m almost constantly trembling and shaking,biting my nails, and high strung. I want to just be able to let go and relax. Anxiety and worry have consumed me my whole life, even when I was a kid.

 

The Bud.

Screenshot_757 If you look carefully you can see my sole surviving sunflower has a tiny little flower bud starting to form in the middle! I can’t believe it!! Finally! After all this time! I still continue to water it daily and put it in the sun, although soon it’ll be too cold to put it outside anymore (yesterday we had an odd nice warm day, it was 15 C, and I was outside all day, most likely the last time now until spring, probably) and I’ll just have to place it in a sunbeam indoors, and even though it’s been months, since May, with no progress, I still refused to give up on it and kept waiting and tending to it…..and now look! Love, care, dedication, perseverance, and determination along with time has paid off. I hadn’t expected it and had resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to get a flower and was just continuing on caring for it until it eventually died and it surprised me!

Just when I least expected it!

At first I noticed there were little tiny hairs on the stem that weren’t there before but that sunflowers normally have so then I wondered if there might be any progress on a flower so I checked and lo and behold there it was! My mother told me to give up on it,that it was a lost cause and I’ll never get my sunflower, that I was just wasting my time….but maybe the lesson to be learned here is never give up. Keep trying. Sometimes things just take longer. Maybe it’s just a late bloomer, like I was, and it just takes it longer to mature than most; it goes on it’s own schedule and maybe I’ll end up having my sunflower for Christmas?…..or with my luck it’ll probably die before it ever even reaches the stage of full maturity and opens up, also just like me, dying before I ever get to bloom, or maybe, it’ll die the same day I do? We’re on this same journey together, struggling along, straggling, beaten down, fighting to survive, against the odds, almost making it but never quite getting there and then dying just before we have a chance to blossom….

or…. maybe, just maybe, for once something will actually go right and work out for me, and I’m not such a failure,afterall, and I will end up with a sunflower in the end eventually? As well, I also have stomach pain all day and feel nauseated and I’m just so tired of always feeling so crappy all the time yet no one ever seems to be able to find what’s wrong, and I feel better now too after talking to the oldest, who told me he and the 20 YR old are fine and the other kids are just messing with me again trying to upset me and get me worried. What kind of person does something like that though? It’s just not normal to go around intentionally hurting, breaking, freaking out and worrying people like that,and then enjoying watching their distress and panic. A nice, normal person would be supportive,caring, and undertsanding with someone’s anxiety and other issues  and would try to reassure them and not make up disturbing untruths to purposely trigger them and set them off.

I’m also not sure if it’s ironic, hypocritical, or a case of If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em: the gov’t used to arrest people for pot and yet here they are now legalizing it so that they can have a monopoly on the trade and hope to be the main dealer. They just want to get in on the profits and make a killing off of all the taxes it will rake in. Like everything else it does, it’s just a tax grab, a way to make $$$$ or to control, regulate and monopolize. It will be nice though to be able to smoke up freely, without having to hide in the shed.  I checked out the new gov’t weed website too and ordered some pre-rolled joints as I always have a hard time rolling them I’m so unco-ordinated. I was surprised it wasn’t slow, didn’t crash and wasn’t all sold out! It’s also my BFF’s birthday today too. We’ve been BFF’s ever since we were 12 and she’s known me longer than anyone and still stuck around and never got tired of me like everyone else eventually did. Happy Birthday!

He Sent Him.

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When I prayed for someone to love me God sent me Buddy, and when He sent him:

He sent someone to love me unconditionally.

He sent me a best friend.

He sent me a great listener.

He sent me the perfect companion.

He sent someone who will never “out-grow” cuddling.

He sent me a reason to get up every morning.

He brought light, joy,and love into my life.

He sent someone to love me when no one else would.

He sent me a friend that is loyal and will never hurt or betray me.

He gave me someone to dote on.

He gave me someone that needed me.

He gave me someone who loves me just as I am and doesn’t care what I look like, how much I weigh,how smart I am,how much money I have, what I’ve achieved, or that I’m crazy.

He sent me an example of pure selfless love.

He ended my loneliness and longing for love and friendship.

He gave life meaning again.

He gives me a reason to keep going each day.

He sent me my soulmate, only in animal form.

He sent someone who “gets” me.

He sent me a friend that will never wake up one day and suddenly decide he doesn’t like me anymore.

He sent someone to keep me company and someone to talk to.

He sent a friend to comfort me.

He sent someone that would return my love and not reject it.

He sent someone to make me smile and laugh.

He sent someone who misses me when I leave and is happy to see me when I return.

He sent me someone who loves me more than they love themselves.

He sent someone to love.

He sent LOVE.

Thank you, God.

Hippo Gallery.

hippos12 I could have posted once again about my shitty life,how broken and tired I am, or about how miserably unhappy I am, or how much my heart and soul aches and how I long for another life, a different life,how everyone always ends up tiring of me and leaving, how I wish I was someone else and hate it that I’m me……but I decided against it and decided to give you hippo photos instead because hippos make me smile and they make me happy and they make my heart glad and everyone needs a reason to smile.

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