Reminescing..however you spell it!

Dec/2008:

Dear family:

I reminesce(I never could spell that word!) :

Biggest accomplishments:

Having had 11 kids.When you really think about it, it IS kind of amazing!

When I was in grade 7 there was a girl for some reason hated me and always wanted to beat me up so I had to alter the route I took walking to school and back to avoid her. One day she met up with a friend of mine and sat us down together at the park to talk and to “be friends”. She ended up being a good friend. An “enemy” I had feared had become a friend.

Worst failure:

Math. I could get A’s and B’s in school ….except in math. I was, and still am, utterly hopeless in math. I was ok until grade 4 when the dreaded multiplication came around and that did it for me: from that moment I struggled in math, failing time and time again; I just can’t do it.(I seriously think I am missing a part of my brain that processes numbers!!) I would get F’s and it brought my entire GPA down,and I had to repeat a few years of it,and it wasn’t until my final year of highschool when I graduated(the only year I didn’t have to take math!) I finally got on the Honor Roll.If it weren’t for math, I’d have been on it every year.

Nicest thing I ever did:

Bringing homeless people in off the street to a fast-food restaurant for a hot meal and drink.

I gave a poor, young, single mother $$$ for a train ticket so she could go to an out-of-town hospital to visit her critical newborn, who later died.

Kindest thing someone did for me:

When I was in grade 9 I was beaten up by a group of girls at a dance. I was kicked and punched and a boy came over to me and picked me up off the ground, shielding me and walked me away to safety. He sat with me for a few hours, talking and comforting me.

Biggest regret:

When I was in grade 6 I had this best friend. One day for a “joke” she bent my finger back really hard and I got upset and went home. By the next day I was over it and went to call for her, but she refused me. I kept trying to make up with her for YEARS; reaching out, calling her, going to her door, giving her Christmas cards and inviting her to my parties, trying to be friends again, but she always rebuffed me.This is a great loss I have carried all these years.

Not loving certain family members as I feel I should; “toxic” relationships I wish didn’t exist; strained relationships and regrets in how I feel about and treated certain people.

Scariest moment:

3 years ago( 4 in Feb.) when our then -7-year old was diagnosed with leukemia. I thought it was a death-sentence and the gut-wrenching fear, panic and stark cold terror I felt is indescribable. Fortunately after 2 1/2 years of chemo he’s in remission, but hearing those words “Your child has Cancer” is every parent’s worst nightmare and everything just stops and moves in slow motion.

When our house burnt down 12 years ago. It was surreal; like in a movie but not actually real life, except it was.

6 years ago an enemy threatened our familiy and our safety  to such an extent we had to just pick up and move; disappearing and not telling anyone where we went. They tried to find us for weeks but eventually gave up the search. Think of Witness Relocation and you get the idea.

Happiest moments:

Holding my precious newborns for the first time.

Spending summers and Christmas with my aunts and their families.

Summer camp as a kid.

1978.This was the best year in my life overall; I was 11.

Travelling.

Worst thing I ever did:

My friend(when we were 16) and I had to watch her 8 year old brother so when we went out we had to take him with us but he was an annoying brat so we “ditched” him; we all got off the subway together and then her and I ran back in last minute, continuing on, leaving him standing alone on the platform, but knowing he knew how to get home.

Heartbreaking moment:

When I was 16-20 I loved someone and I thought I would marry him….but as it turned out he only liked me as a friend and we later lost contact. I tried to re-establish it but to no success.

Filling-in the blanks:

I hadn’t seen my father since I was 2 years old when my parents split up.It was always a “hole”; an empty “void’ in my life. I was the only kid growing up without a father, and I had a lot of unanswered questions and “missing pieces” in my life.A few years ago I was put in contact with him by e-mail via a relative and we got to “talk” and he answered my questions  and it was a “healing” of a sort. He died last year and I was glad I had the opportunity to get the missing pieces of my life filled in.

Biggest betrayal:

I had a so-called best “friend” in grade 9 who swore she’d help me transfer to her school and show me around,etc… when secretly behind my back she went to the principal and told him she HATED me and that if I was put in her class SHE’D transfer out(he later disclosed this) and when I did go to her school she went to all the new friends I made talking behind my back, lying and saying things about me so they’d turn against me; taking my friends away, and in some instances, it worked.

I caught my husband reading my diary…and then HE had the sheer gall to get MAD when he’d read something nasty I’d wrote about him that he didn’t like!(but it served him right for snooping!!)

I told my husband my biggest deepest darkest secret(I hadn’t even told my mother!) that no one knew…and he went ad told his sister, mortifying and shattering me and my trust in him!

Biggest source of pride:

My 19 year old son, now doing well in his first year away in university, getting a 96% (A+) average!

Greatest blessing and gift:

My kids.

My strong faith in God.

Writing skills.

Biggest weakness:

chocolate

bad temper

impatience

negativity/pessimism

Greatest indulgence:

Fur and sheepskin Mukkluk boots

Cheapest-ness:

When I took the kids across Europe I refused to pay extra for food and drinks on tours  and I made us bring water bottles filled up on the ship and muffins and cereal to bring with us so we wouldn’t have to spend $$$ on food and drinks. We had to wait until we got back to the ship to fill up  as it was incl. in the cost.

Newest hope:

It would be nice to have 1 more baby but I’m almost 42(next month) and it took 3 years to get prego with the last one(now 21 months old) so it’s not looking too likely…but it would be nice.

Biggest loss:

Our 2 handicapped kids.(we lost at ages 9 and 10 years old)

Losing the love of my life.

Not being pretty.

Not having a father growing up.

Not having a  stay-at-home mother growing up and being farmed out to daycare from age 6 weeks old to 11 years old.

Always feeling like I’m a square peg trying to fit into a world of round holes. It feels like I’m always on the outside looking in; I’m walking in one direction ad everyone else is walking the opposite direction.I have never “fit in” and feel like an outcast in life and have never been like other people.I am an outsider.

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