Rites of passage.

April/2009:

I have just had a sad realization come upon me: I have never had any of life’s rites of passages! No joke! I was thinking about this just the other day and it came to my attention I missed out on so much in life. Now I feel seriously bummed-out and depressed.I feel left out in life.

What rites of passage have I not experienced? Well, I never went to a prom(being an ugly girl I was never asked out by boys, for either dates or dances), never went to my graduation(we had moved to another city just a couple of weeks before and I wasn’t coming all the way back for it; besides, I didn’t like the school anyway and didn’t have any friends and was just glad to be done with it) never got a driver’s license(as with my perception problem I can’t judge space or distance or read maps or follow directions, so I don’t think driving would be such a great idea….) and I never had the big ,fancy “fairy-tale” wedding, either( it was just us, with 2 witnesses….that’s it!)

I felt like an outsider growing up(and I still do)and never fit in; I didn’t  go to parties and drink or do drugs, or date boys, or do the things the other kids did, nor did I approve of them(I have always had a strong moral compass and been faithful to God)plus, having Social Phobia and being ugly excluded me as well(and set me up for ridicule and rejection) and I have a hard time making friends and prefer to be by myself. I was also the only kid who didn’t have a father(it wasn’t as common then like it is now; now it’s rare to have both original parents!) and the only one who didn’t have any siblings, AND the only one who’s mother wasn’t stay-at-home….so basically, I felt like a freak. Isolated socially, always on the outside looking in; an outsider and feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere.I didn’t even feel loved by my parents!

I still feel that way now,too, even as an adult; being a conservative and traditional Christian in an ungodly and immoral world I just don’t fit in, and the Social Phobia still remains, now only worsened due to years of being bullied in school,and I feel like I missed out on so much in life. I have so many regrets; mostly things I *haven’t* done, rather than regretting things I *have* done(although I still do have a few of those!) and it feels like there is no place for me; too religious for the world, but also too ‘edgy” for other Christians….it seems like I just don’t belong anywhere,and  feel left out of life  and left behind…..but I do have the hope of Heaven; a place where I WILL at last belong, fit in, be welcomed and feel at home. Now I feel like I’m walking in one direction and everyone else is walking in the opposite direction, but in Heaven I will truly be accepted, without limitations; fulfilled without disappointment; loved without rejection; valued without disapproval; welcomed without exclusion,and happy without end.God is good and He loves me just as I am, even if I can’t love myself,and even if  no one else does.

I may not have had any of life’s rites of passages but even better and more meaningful ones await me in the Afterlife,and that’s what really matters most as eternity lasts for ALOT longer than life here on Earth!

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