What I Don’t Miss.

Screenshot_222 What I don’t miss with my hubby, 17 YR old and 15 YR old away for their 4 day adventure in Toronto over the holiday weekend is the constant put-downs and reminders of how stupid I am, always being mind-f*cked, and being compared to a derelict junkie in some sort of crack house or something just because I take several legal prescription medications,incl. medical marijuana. I need them though in order to get thru each day and to cope with my myriad medical issues  and they’re all for legitimate medical issues, such as migraines, ulcers, high BP, IBS, depression, bipolar, bad fluid retention, etc. and none of them are addictive. My mother also does as well yet for some reason they choose to only target me and to act like, treat me like, and look down on me and be condescending and insulting to me like I’m sort sort of low-life junkie skid row drug addict, and every time I say or do something they deem to be stupid( which is pretty much all the time) they’ll look at eachother with this knowing look, shake their heads, laugh and say things along the lines of, What are you on or Is today a weed day?  and Can never have an intelligent conversation…etc. It really hurts my feelings when they treat me like this and talk to me and about me this way, and I certainly don’t miss that! It’s actually quite nice having a few days without being always told what a loser I am.

Speaking of their adventure, a friend asked me why I didn’t go to the Ed Sheeran concert with the 19 YR old, 17 YR old,and 15 YR old, but is he kidding? Ed Sheeran? Really? I’d rather cut my ears off than subject myself to having to listen to that pussy crap. As an experiment I also left out food on a plate on the floor overnight to see if the “creature” would eat it and it was still there again in the morning…..so now I’m starting to wonder if it’s just been a prank all along, that my family has just been mind-f*cking me the entire time, by throwing the food out and just having me think there’s some sort of animal loose in the house but now they’re not here overnight they can’t do it anymore? Knowing them it wouldn’t surprise me, and they’re always playing on my worries, fears, insecurities, paranoia and suspicions,etc. which have gotten worse lately, but I’ve always had a suspicious nature, though, even as a kid; as far back as I can remember, likely due to my life and the traumas I’ve endured it’s “conditioned” me to be that way, along with my Asperger’s and Bipolar. It’s also made me emotionally distant, hard to trust people and “warm” to people, highly anxious, and struggling thru life thru a dark cloud always hanging over me.

My BFF(since we were 12) also surprised me by calling me last night as I haven’t heard from her in ages. I have her on Facebook but she’s really busy running her restaurant all on her own, but yesterday she had a slow time, a break in-between customers so she called me up,and it makes me wonder as well if maybe I really am dying soon too and she had a “feeling” and wanted to talk to me one last time before I die( and she did ask how I was doing health-wise) as our bond and connection is so strong. I’ve always loved her, ever since we were 12. I love her like a sister. In any case, it was nice to hear from her again and it was a nice surprise. I’ve always admired her sunny, upbeat, positive outlook on life,too; nothing ever gets her down or worried and she’s always the one trying to reassure me, Don’t worry; things will be all right!

My hallucinations are also fairly new: just this summer, in fact, over the past couple of months I’ve started having them and it’s even on days I don’t use weed(which I’ve been using for 3 years) so it’s not that and I’m left wondering what’s causing it(is it the same unknown factor that’s also causing my seizures,too, I wonder?) could it be due to the head injury I had last fall when I fainted and hit the back of my head hard on the kitchen floor when I fell backwards? Is it due to my White Matter Disease and brain decline, or my Bipolar, or have I, perhaps, maybe even newly developed Schizophrenia or something now,  even though that typically appears in the late teens or early 20’s, and could it maybe also even be related to menopause and the hormonal changes; I wonder as It’s been 3 months now since I last had Aunt Flow, and perhaps it’s “triggered” something in my brain, as it was when I first started puberty at 13 is when my depression and  migraines first started, again likely due to hormones, and a friend of mine also said when she hit menopause her migraines went away…. it just makes me wonder…

It’s really hard as well living with bipolar, Asperger’s, depression, social phobia, etc. and  I guess the best way to describe the feeling is that it feels like something’s driving me, perhaps my traumas, or my mental illness, or something, and I’ve always felt like I’m on a “mission” of some sort, “called” in some way, set apart from others, perhaps as a way as trying to find some sort of purpose and meaning in all my suffering or is it just “standard” of being crazy or just from being different and being rejected and bullied for it? It’s really difficult though when reality and imagination gets blurred and you can’t separate the two and can’t tell what’s real anymore or what’s a hallucination. Did that really just happen or did I just imagine it? Did I really see( or hear) what I think I did? My most recent ones incl. thinking I heard thunder when I really didn’t, and thinking I heard some sort of animal scratching and moaning under my bed(and I know it wasn’t Buddy as he was curled up beside me in bed asleep). That one was scary. It’s really scary when your own mind plays tricks on you.

 

War Games.

Screen Shot 08-14-17 at 07.21 PM We live near an airforce base so it’s common to see various aircraft flying above overhead frequently, several times a day, esp. as it nears the end of the month, I suspect as the pilots scramble to get in the required number of hours of flying time in for the month, and we commonly see big cargo planes, government jets, rescue helicopters, and the CF-18 fighter jets. The CF-18’s we usually see about twice a month,and those things are soooo loud as they go screaming across the sky that I can even still hear them when I’m in the deep end of the pool, 9 feet underwater!

For the past 4 days or so, however, I’ve been seeing the CF-18’s flying by overhead every day, and yesterday it was even twice, and they always go by in twos; first one will zip past and within mere seconds the second one will come screeching by. It made me wonder: is there perhaps something seriously going on behind closed doors perhaps about USA and it’s threat with war on North Korea and that’s why the fighter jets here have suddenly become more active lately? USA is this country’s closest ally, so maybe the military here has also been put on “notice” just in case and they’re doing extra practice and training, preparing in case they do have to end up going over there to aid the Americans? Oh, God, I hope not, but you never know, and this country is notorious for kissing America’s ass, and this sudden flurry of activity with the military jets just makes me wonder what’s going on…..holy shit….

I also like China’s approach to the situation with North Korea. China is their ally, but they warned them that if they attack USA first then they’re on their own and China’s not going to help them, but if they’re attacked first then they will help them, which I think is fair and reasonable; don’t help the oppressor and aggressor, but stand up for and defend the one being bullied. I notice too how the attack in Virginia( where the deranged f*cker drove his car into a crowd of protesters at a white supremacist rally, killing one and injuring several more) wasn’t ever labelled terrorism, even though it clearly was a terrorist act, as terrorism is basically defined as committing an act of violence and killing innocent people on behalf of a political or ideological cause or agenda, and white supremacy, neo-Nazism qualifies as a political cause, but because the guy wasn’t a Muslim, or brown, or a foreigner, they didn’t call it terrorism, even though it still was, but terrorists can come from anywhere,and extremists and radicals come from all races, religions, colours, countries, etc… incl. home-grown white Americans!

As well, I have a feeling my old friends J and F are dead now; it’s been years since I’ve seen them or heard from them but lately for the past few days I keep having dreams about them and visiting them in my dreams, just like I often do with other people that have died, such as my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, it’s like the “veil” between this world and the next is “thinner” when your brain is in that dimension, the deep sleep cycle, and that’s when they can contact you and you can meet them on the same “frequency”, so it makes me wonder if perhaps they really are dead now…..or maybe I was just simply dreaming about them….but why all of a sudden, and so frequently? I got the impression that they were in Heaven and I was talking with them and they were telling me that they were waiting for me and that it won’t be too long now and they’ll see me soon…

I also got my pills from the pharmacy and the 16 YR old cruelly snarled about me that I get my hands on any drugs that I can, even though all my medications are legally and medically prescribed, and for things like migraines. high BP, depression, ulcers…common stuff….and none of them are opioids, painkillers, sleep aids, tranquilizers, sedatives, habit-forming or addictive in any way, but I guess in her eyes if you take any medication at all you’re some kind of junkie drug addict or something and she’ll look down on you with contempt and disgust. Hopefully when she gets older she’ll be in perfect health and won’t have any medical issues or need any medication at all since she thinks so poorly of those of us that do. That are flawed. That are old. That are falling apart. That are not in the best of health. That are human.