The Poor Widow.

Screen Shot 04-15-17 at 08.24 AM 002 The other day I saw this old woman in church sitting ahead of me drop a few coins into the Offering ( collection basket) and I smiled as it reminded me of the Parable in the Bible that Jesus told of the poor widow and the coins, how even though it was only a few mere coins that the poor widow gave in tithing it was actually more generous and meant more than the abundance that the rich people give in all their wealth as they can afford to do it and have excess money  and won’t miss it and can spare it, whereas with her it’s more of a sacrifice as it’s all she has, and even though 10% tithing from a rich person brings in more, 10% from a poor person is more of a sacrifice as they have less to give…..so what they do give means so much more….

…..and then it got me thinking: then why is it any different for me? I always feel so badly about how little I can afford to tithe; even though I do contribute my 10% it only ends up being a measley 5$ a week and the kids always shame me,too, taunting how “cheap” I am, but I only get a small amount, and the rest goes to pay towards groceries and in the end I only end up with 20$ a month  to keep for myself for all my own personal needs(such as shampoo, deoderant, tampons, hair dye, suntan oil, etc) which doesn’t go very far or buy too much, so the church ends up getting the same amount I do, but it makes me feel so ashamed for being poor, esp. when I see other people putting in 20$ or even more a week, and it makes me feel so cheap, yet when I saw the old woman and her coins and remembered that parable…I am giving all I have, all I can afford to give and I used to give 10$ a week but that was before the gov’t my $$$ got cut in half….so now I have half as much….so I had to cut back as now the 10% also ends up being half as much and we’re really struggling financially, yet I still give what I can, yet feel badly it’s so little, so paltry, until it suddenly “clicked” and I realized I am also the Poor Widow. God understands if you give all you have, if you give from the heart , and that you can still  be  faithful, obedient, and generous with tithing without being wealthy, and God has a special love for the poor.

As well, I heard on the radio April the giraffe finally had her baby,too, a male calf, and I gave up watching a long time ago as I was convinced after it was taking so long ( a whole month!) that it must be a hoax, but when I heard I watched a re-cap video of the birth and the baby is just sooooo cute! He’s got this long skinny neck and he was twitching his little ears like hippos do and I just love,and when he was first trying to stand up and walk on those long wobbly legs it reminded me of myself trying to walk in high-heel shoes, and now my mother’s most-used saying, said in exhasperation and with a loud sigh, is Lord, give me patience! It’s become almost like a mantra for her lately!

I saw the nice Scottish lady too (not the Rich Lady, but another one, the neighbour at the corner) when I was walking Buddy and I told her I was sorry to hear about her husband ( who died last week) and she goes, Thank ye, thank ye!  and the poor woman just look so sad, so sorrowful, so grieved, you could tell it’s been a hard week on her, painfully etched in her face, and that the grief’s really hitting her hard and it looks in her face like she’s really aged, too; she’s at least 20 YRS younger than he was but with her grief she suddenly looks much older now and it’s just so sad; she must have really loved him. I wish I had a love like that,too, where you find your true love and soul-mate and you can grow old together, but I don’t have anything to offer(not looks or intelligence) anyone except love, and they’d still have to look past the physical and my limitations first  before they’d find it…..never going to happen….

I also had a “revelation” that I am going to Heaven, but I’m not to die until it’s my time and not before God calls me back Home  and not before I’ve completed what He sent me here to do….but what is that? I have no idea what my purpose in life is or what “mission” I have to accomplish first before I die; I used to think it was being a mother but that obviously didn’t turn out so well….I wonder what it is?

Our Easter.

Screen Shot 04-14-17 at 07.29 PM We had a big dinner for Easter, our Easter Feaster, in the dining room and my father-in- law also came. He surprised us with gift cards as well and the kids had an Easter egg hunt, the ones wrapped in coloured foil but the problem was every time I’d find them I’d go, oooh, chocolate! Found one! and I’d eat it ( finders keepers!) so there weren’t too many left for them to find! What can I say; chocolate is my biggest weakness. We sort of had a mixture of holidays too as we used the Thanksgiving tablecloth, Christmas napkins and made a Cross-shaped cake for Easter, and then the 15 YR old had to go and be blasphemous and ruin it by drawing an occult Jack ‘O Lantern for Satan’s Day on the holiest day of the YR, and put it on the Easter dinner table, doing something for Satan on Jesus’ day, and when I scolded her she sniffed to me, You can shut up now! She’s really a mouthy piece of work, and I never remember the 17 YR old being like that and having such attitude; sure she’s had her mouthy moments but she was never mean like her,and I’m so glad she doesn’t go to public school as I know beyond any doubt she’d be one of those mean bullies that picks on other kids.

Screen Shot 04-16-17 at 05.26 PM As well, Our dishwasher broke, my hubby thinks the damn mice chewed thru a wire so he told the girls to (horrors!) hand wash the dishes after Easter dinner but my mother told them no,leave them and  wait until today….so he just defers to her….he never stands up to her and she always meddles with the kids and undermines and over-rules our discipline and he never does anything about it, he’s not even a man but a pussy, and him and the kids have this secret they refuse to tell me,too, something about him and the 17 YR old; apparantly it’s the #1 of stupidest things he’s ever done, so epic it’s put him on the hit list and they refuse to tell me what it is as I’ll “put it on my blog” (well, now after that I’m going to for sure) and my guess is maybe he forgot to pay her cell phone bill or something and they cut off her service…..they never tell me anything, and they all like to mind-f*ck with me,too; they’ll take my stuff and then say I “must have been high on weed and did it myself and forgot”. They’re such assholes and they broke me. My family sucks.

The 13 YR old was also pondering and I heard her say maybe we’re actually dead and we’re just dreaming? and I also want her to know that I never stopped loving her even though there’s a distance between us now; I never wanted it; I’ve always loved her and I always will and she’ll always be my B.B; it was her that pushed me away and stopped talking to me, stopped confiding in me, stopped letting me hug her, etc. and pulled away and it broke my heart and I still hold out hope that I’ll get her back some day, esp. once she recovers from her eating disorder, and that’s the one thing my hubby and I are actually united on ; we’re working together to help her get better and we have to work as a team towards a common goal.

Screen Shot 04-16-17 at 08.51 AM 001 This is also my Easter stash: I got a hollow dog chocolate ( I always hope for a hippo but it doesn’t exist, at least not so far that I’ve seen, not here anyway, but I keep hoping one YR they’ll maybe come out with a zoo theme and have it) Lindor eggs and Cadbury Creme eggs. The kids got the same; a hollow chocolate, chocolate eggs and creme eggs. A neighbour also told me that G.P (Grass Picker) only has a few days left to live: she’s dying of throat cancer and they said if she had radiation she’d maybe have 3 more YRS but she decided against it as she’s 82 and she doesn’t want to feel sicker from the treatment and wants to be able to enjoy what time she does have left but the time has come and the priest came over and gave her the Sacrament Of the Sick. It’s sad and it will seem weird all summer not seeing her out on her lawn picking at her grass….it also seems everyone on our street’s either dying ( the old guy at the corner just died last week too) or selling their house( I saw at least 4 houses for sale) it’ll be a deserted street pretty soon….and then all new neighbours… the 13 YR old also said she thinks the girl 2 houses over that she used to play with is now transgender because she cut her hair short and only wears boy’s clothes….back in my day we used to just call people like that tomboys.

April.

screen-shot-02-26-17-at-08-38-am Guess what I’ve been doing for the past few days? Waiting for and watching for April the giraffe to have her baby! Me, along with some 20 million other people are following the live stream online from the Animal Adventure Park in New York as she awaits the birth of her 4 th calf.(baby giraffes, like hippos,are called calves)She’s 15 YRS old and her “husband” Oliver is only 5 YRS old( a younger man! woo-hoo!) and giraffes are pregnant for 15 months! (hippos are for 8 months)Holy shit! and can be in labour for 10 days,and I thought my 24 HR labour (and 4 days over-due)with my first child was long! The babies are born front hooves first, followed by the snout(whereas hippos are born tail first), and are 6 feet tall and weigh 150 pounds at birth and start to walk right away and are born with their eyes open, unlike puppies and kittens whose eyes don’t open until they are around 2 weeks old.Hippos also weigh 150 pounds and have their eyes open at birth and walk right away.

So far, nothing yet; no baby. Some people sit there and watch for HRS, but I just go back and forth and check in. Giraffes apparantly lead very boring,dull lives; all they do is pace back and forth and stand around,and I guess so do I, since I’m staring at my computer screen for days waiting for a giraffe to give birth, so what can I say? I have no life,either.  The 15 YR old loves giraffes, like how I love hippos, and the more I look at April, I see truly what a beautiful animal she is and how magnificent giraffes really are, but of course I still like hippos more. I was thinking too: wouldn’t it be funny if she really wasn’t even prego and it’s actually just a social experiment, like a university Sociology class or something conducting an experiment to see how many people they can get to watch and how long they’ll hang on before they finally give up,and there’s someone laughing their ass off somewhere at all of us waiting and watching for a baby that will never actually arrive?

As well, the 17 YR old was at Niagara Falls all weekend with Cadets, and I went online to get my blood work results and everything’s normal except for the kidney function test,which shows I have mild kidney failure, likely caused by my high BP (even though I’m on medication for it) or my migraine medication which can cause kidney damage but I see the internal medicine doctor this week so he’ll decide what we do from here and I expect I’ll have to take my failing kidneys in for further testing….

My friend P also turned 50 and for her milestone birthday her boyfriend’s taking her on a cruise( and they just went to Mexico over Christmas,too!) and I got nothing special for my 50th but no one loves me and my family sucks, and in church yesterday my fave. priest was there so I went to Confession to prepare for Lent which starts this week, and there was this little kid sitting 3 rows ahead of me,too,and he kept  turning around and staring at me, probably thinking, I wonder if that’s a man or a woman? and Man, is she ever ugly! and the priest and in the bulletin they were asking us to donate more$$ as well even though the Church is rich and it made me feel bad because I’m so poor and I hardly even have $$$ to buy clothes or much of anything yet I still tithe 10% of my income yet it’s still not enough…

I’m also like that Ozzy Osbourne song Dreamer, ” I’m a dreamer, I dream my life away…” and I’m still hoping that one day my Prince will come, and maybe some day life will be worth living again if someone loves me.