Just Give Me 10 More Minutes!

Buddy10 Pretty well every morning around 6 am Buddy will jump up all over me, licking me, jumping on me, and if I don’t acknowledge him or respond ( I’m either sleeping or pretending to be asleep hoping he’ll leave me alone for a few minutes and go back to bed before he wants to go out and pee) whimper and whine, and my often-used mantra, my heartfelt plea, is this, Just give me 10 more minutes…. I know he has to go, but I’m so nice and warm and cozy in my bed and it’s still dark out; my body still wants to sleep. I don’t want to get up quite yet, and he’s held it this long already, I mean, he’s gone all night, what’s 10 more minutes? Oh, for the love of God, pleeeaase just 10 more minutes… Luckily the time change hasn’t affected him though; he slept thru it ok and didn’t even seem to notice; he woke up at the normal time and not an hour earlier like I was afraid he might. I remember when the kids were little this used to concern me,too.

Screen Shot 11-05-17 at 09.49 AM The 16 YR old also made this cell phone case! She designed and created and made it herself! Isn’t it cool? I told her she could/should make a business out of it by selling them online. I bet she’d make alot of $$$$…I also realized as well that the first half of the kids, that is, the older ones, did university, and the second half of them, the younger ones( with the exception of the youngest,I’m sure, who’s 10, and he’s a real  little genius) are planning on college which actually works out quite well  for us since we’ve also run out of $$$$$! The roofer came as well and said it’s not the roof that’s leaking but rather the eavestroughs and that it’s actually them that needs replacing and not the roof that needs repairing afterall and the good news is this costs less, too!

I also went to church in the morning yesterday instead of in the evening as we had torrential rain all day but my hubby was able to drive me if I went at 11 am but not if I went later and I’d have to walk in the rain (and without even an umbrella because the 16 YR old left it at work…..thanx for that, BTW!) and it also worked out well as this way I know that the kids actually did go to church too(instead of just saying they did but actually going out somewhere else) because I see them there with my own eyes and they know I’d be watching for them,too, and the Rich Lady was there again, sitting 2 rows ahead of me so I got to sit and stare at the back of her head the whole time, admiring her sophistication, elegance,and style, and wondering what her life is like the rest of the week and what she does, wondering what it would be like to be her, to switch lives, and this is why the Mindfulness training is so hard for me,too as my mind always wanders off somewhere else and I can’t just be there in the present, in the then and now, I always daydream and let my mind float off somewhere, and when the kids told me that the Jesus pictures weren’t going back on the wall after the paint was dry ( and it’s NOT just me; the 23 YR old and his GF both liked and preferred the floral wallpaper in the upstairs hall like I did,too, rather than the dreary institutional-grey colour my hubby and the 14 YR old painted it now) and I got really mad andthen my hubby chanted mockingly to me, Use your Mindfulness! and I told him, You can take your mindfulness and shove it up your ass So then there’s also that.

D&D.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.48 PM This is some of the 22 YR old extensive Dungeons & Dragons figurines. He got alot of them in California and he meticulously hand-paints them( they are originally just black) and adds fine details on them, painstaking work that I know I wouldn’t have the patience or the eyesight to do. He spends hours sitting at his workshop working on them.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.44 PM 002 This is his workshop which he has set up in the play room. He really is quite the creative artist and I think he could sell them and make lots of $$$$ but he said that would take the fun out of it, and besides, he couldn’t part with his creations that he made so lovingly.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.44 PM He also made the “grass” seen here. Originally it was a faux fur material the girls had to make vests and it was various shades of brown but he painted it with various shades of green and it turned out really well to become a savannah or grassy plains, or prairie, or whatever venue his battlefield calls for.

Screen Shot 07-18-17 at 01.43 PM 001 This is my fave: the trees! He also made these trees all by hand! The one of the left reminds me of bonsai tree. I think these are just amazing and he definitely has artistic talent ( like most of the kids do in one way or another; creative, by painting, drawing, music, writing, etc..) I also went swimming in my green pool, just like a hippo; they swim in green water, and despite all the vacuuming and chemicals we keep dumping into it I think it’s just something that we’ll have to learn to live with, green water. I’m the only one that will swim in it though, the kids are too ‘scared” but I know it’s clean with all the chemicals in it.

The 14 YR old also lost 4 pounds in a week, a major set-back that is concerning, likely due to being away at camp for 2 weeks where we weren’t able to monitor her eating, and just when she was almost at her ideal weight after 5 months in treatment….and now she’s back to going back every week! I just hope she’s not back to vomiting up her food again, or that being weaned off her meds isn’t allowing the eating disorder to take hold of her again. Just when we think she’s making progress….now this… I try to reach out to her as well but she always keeps pushing me away and sometimes I think she’s unreachable and beyond the point of no return, and it feels like I’ve lost her forever….. it breaks my heart.

My mother, the 22 YR old,and I also went to the Chinese buffet for her belated birthday dinner. I like it better at lunch though as the selection is better as they have more noodles and dumplings that I like which they don’t have at dinner, they have more meat dishes at dinner. Plus, my hubby took forever to pick us up and we were waiting for 45 minutes after we’d already finished eating for him to come pick us up and then after that we still had to drive all around while he did his errands and we were so late and so tired, it was exhausting and we were gone 4 HRS and we just wanted to go home. He always does that though; keeps us waiting for unreasonable times and doesn’t care if we’re tired or want to go home; it’s just only ever about his schedule and what he wants and it doesn’t occur to him what other people want or that they might have plans too or want to get right back, and he snarks that I ” don’t have anything to do anyway” so it doesn’t matter, he’s really quite inconsiderate.

The Painting.

Screen Shot 05-02-17 at 04.54 PM I got it! I got to check out the sunflower painting on the way to the clinic (I just convinced my hubby to leave earlier) and they had big ones and a small one the difference that the big one had more sunflowers and the small one has only one,and the big ones cost more, 80$-200$, and the small one was more reasonably priced at 40$, so guess which one I got? 😀 I’d say it’s around 10X10 inches which is still a good enough size, esp. later once I frame it, and it now hangs in my bedroom so I can get up every morning and see a sunflower first thing as soon as I wake up, and go to sleep every night seeing it last thing before I go to bed, and  dreaming of sunflowers.

Now for the not-so-good….the awful, horrible, BAD, actually, (and now we know what tragedy is to befall us May this YR!) at the 13 YR old’s app’t at the eating disorders clinic she disclosed to the therapist that she’s planning on committing suicide 15 May and she has it all planned out and she’s tried it before too by hanging and pills! So they had her admitted to the psych ward of the hospital for a few days for “observation”, and it’s an answer to my prayer,actually; I’m relieved that they’re finally taking it seriously; I’ve been pleading with them for weeks to get her on medication for her depression and telling them that I was concerned she was suicidal and now they finally believe me, and I’m glad she’s where she needs to be to get help and to get better,and where she’s safe from herself.

I was thinking though, I think she does want to get better and wants help since she did tell the therapist her plan of suicide when she didn’t have to say anything but just quietly go and do it, so it’s like a call for help, and I know God will see her and us thru it, just like He always has thru all our trials and traumas, and He will also give me strength to endure as I have to be strong for her, even when I feel like I’m falling apart myself, yet I can only take so much; how long until I completely crack myself? I can only take so much stress, worry, and heartache…. How can I be strong for others when I ‘m falling apart myself?

As well, in less than 2 weeks the 22 YR old goes to California for 2 months to visit his GF and he’s so excited and can hardly wait, and with him away I won’t have to lock my computer,either, as he won’t be here to sabotage it, and no one has to hide their food so he won’t eat it, and for the 15 YR old’s upcoming 16th birthday she’s renting the local highschool gym for her party and a dance and having something like 40 guests, sometimes I feel like God is “calling” us to move to Kingston,too, which would be practical with all the medical appt’s there, and I realized as well that I haven’t changed, but the real me has finally just started emerging after being suppressed all these years!

 

The Gallery.

Screen Shot 04-30-17 at 06.46 PM There’s this funky little art gallery in Kingston which is actually in a house converted into a store on the way to the hospital we pass by every week and they have some of the art displayed outside the store and I always see this big beautiful oil painting of sunflowers, similar to the one shown here, and I’m just drawn to it and it calls to me, and I wish I could buy it as it reminds me of that recurring dream I have of me running barefoot and wearing a long flowing white gauze robe running thru a field of sunflowers with the impression that I’m in Heaven and the feeling is just so beautiful, and I love sunflowers and seeing that painting ( on canvas, without a frame) reminds me of that dream and of Heaven and the way it makes me feel and I always want to stop by and check it out…

It keeps playing on my mind, sort of like an itch that I just can’t scratch,it keeps tugging at me and nagging at my soul, so I finally asked my hubby if we could stop off at the gallery this week on the way to the clinic so I can at least find out what it costs, how expensive it is, or if it’s possible that I might be able to buy it if it’s reasonably priced, because it has such meaning for me and some things just stand out, like you’re “meant” to have them, and sometimes you just have to treat yourself, you know? but he said the usual, that he doesn’t have time, even though it’s literally just a block or so away from the hospital and we always get there early enough we have the time,and I just want to see,and I either can afford it or I can’t, and it means so much to me, but I bet if it was something for him or that he had to do or wanted to do he’d somehow find the time, just not for me, because I don’t matter, but I’m hoping in time his heart will “soften” and he’ll change his mind, but it’s so hard to get him to take me anywhere or do anything for me, and he’ll never go out of his way, change his schedule, alter his routine, , take the time, make the effort, or bother in any way for me….

As well, I finally got to do my Confession for my Divine Mercy Novena, which has to be done within 20 days to “count” but I couldn’t do it last Sunday as the priest hearing the Confessions was the old grump and I don’t feel comfortable with him but yesterday for the last 10 minutes my fave. priest relieved him at the confessional so I quickly jumped up as soon as they switched and I ran in….and the grumpy old fart saw and knew what I did and he gave me this really scornful fierce look, but I did my Confession, and he noticed my hippo tattoo on my foot as I was wearing my moccassins(without socks) so the tops of my feet were visible and he goes, Is that a tattoo? Didn’t that really hurt? (being on my foot)…yes, it did,actually, and was my most painful one of all…. and then he shook his head and muttered, women! and at the end of Mass on the way out he says to me, Happy tattooing! He also told me that I’m a good woman and that he prays for me which I thought was really nice. 🙂

Brian.

Screen Shot 03-22-17 at 08.00 AM The 9 YR old( who turns 10 tomorrow) and I have this ongoing joke when he does his math for his school work: we call his brain Brian( I got the idea from dumb kids in school that would spell Brian as “brain” and from this Pinky and the Brain episode where Brain went on this game show and they spelled his name as Brian) and we joke, It’s time to torture Brian now! or on weekends, holidays,and during the summer, Brian has a day off. It’s funny and he seems to get such a kick out of it. I also got this what I assume must be a spider bite on my finger and it was really itchy and swelled up really bad and went all red and then even white from the pressure of getting so big and swollen and it started to spread so I took a Benadryl for the allergy and it worked but it also knocked me right out and I had to have a nap! That stuff always makes me sooooo tired!

I’m not sleeping well lately either I’m under so much stress and have so much anxiety and worry, particularly about the 13 YR old and her eating disorder, and last night, for example, is a typical night: I lay awake in bed for 2-3 HRS before I can fall asleep and then I sleep for about 3 HRS and then I wake up again and stay awake for 1-2 HRS and go back to sleep and then keep waking up, and I always feel like I’m going to faint and my stomach feels so raw and nauseated, I don’t know if it’s from constant stress exhaustion, or being sleep-deprived, or due to some medical cause, or maybe even a combination? I always feel like shit.

As for the 13 YR old, when she was out I did a “sweep” of her room, looking for anything sharp that she can use to cut herself, so I can remove it, and I found a screwdriver, 2 pairs of scissors, a nailclipper with a sharp file on it….and big sharp jagged chunks of broken glass and some kind of big metal sharp needle thing I have no idea what it is, perhaps for some sort of needlepoint craft or something,and also found several tissues soaked with blood,which broke my heart, so I removed them, and it’s hard trying to get her to eat,too( they call re-feed) and sometimes she just won’t, she just closes her mouth and refuses, saying that she can’t,and that it’s “not that easy”, and my mother said to take away her iPod every time she refuses to eat but I won’t because she’s sick; it’s a disease and she can’t help it (that’s why she needs us to help her, because she can’t do it on her own) it would be like punishing someone who has cancer!  The 15 YR old complained too about us having to constantly supervise her to make sure she’s not barfing up her food or hurting herself and said she should just be responsible herself, except they told us at the clinic that it’s up to us; that we have to monitor her constantly because she can’t be trusted and we have to keep her safe from herself.

Screen Shot 03-23-17 at 04.40 PM I also love this painting Sunlight and Shadow, painted in 1888 by Willard Metcalf. I still haven’t gotten my EEG results yet; no one has called me, and it’s been over a WK and they said I should have heard back in about 5 days, so I wonder if it was so complicated, so bizarre, that it’s taking them longer to try and interpret it and figure it out, or maybe everything’s ok and they were only going to call if they found something? Our vending machines aren’t doing so well either; out of 15 we were only able to place 4 of them so far,and that was even with hiring out recruiters to scout out and find locations for us, so it looks like yet another one of my hubby’s hare-brained ideas that was supposed to make $$$$ but instead ended up costing $$$$$, and another thing NOT to do when high on weed: trying to type in your computer password, esp. when it’s in another language and you forget how to properly spell it. It becomes such a monumental task and you only get a few tries, and when your mind is all muddled and your thinking is cloudy and you’re out of focus it becomes quite impossible…..  😀

Self-Portrait.

screen-shot-02-20-17-at-03-26-pm I was bored so  for a joke I doodled on this pamphlet for breast cancer screening that I got mailed from my doctor’s office. It came with the bra and hanger and I added the body so it looks like mine. Now there’s an image that will be burned into your mind forever.Some things you just can’t un-see.

The Parka.

screen-shot-01-30-17-at-08-33-am I noticed that my Canada Goose parka (like the one pictured here) was missing, that it wasn’t hanging on the coat rack like it always is and I just froze in fear and panicked, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Someone stole it! I’ve been robbed! I thought someone had come into the house and grabbed my parka and taken it, esp. as I’d heard on the news recently that someone had stolen expensive fur coats and Canada Goose parkas from a synagogue and a coat check at a club! I just felt so violated……..so…..sick, and it was so expensive,too, over 800$ and that was back when I had $$$$; I’d never be able to buy another one again and replace it, and I wouldn’t have a winter coat,either!(and it’s the warmest coat ever!) I was just so distraught, but then the thought occurred maybe the 22 YR old took it esp. since he’s notorious for always taking my stuff without asking(my Crocs, my flip-flops, etc.) so I phoned to check but never got a reply back,so there I was , sick with worry and dread, not knowing if he’d borrowed it or not, or if it really was stolen(and I’d have to call the police) for 2 HRS until he finally came home…….thankfully he was wearing it; he just casually shrugged, “It’s cold  out!” and tossed me the coat. What a relief! I was so worried it really was gone for good, and,of course, then my hubby started making fun of me for even thinking it was stolen, because he always pokes fun at all my anxieties, fears, worries, insecurities, phobias, etc. because he’s an asshole like that; instead of trying to comfort me, support me, reassure me, or calm me, he plays into my fears and anxieties, fueling them,creating them, magnifying them, ridiculing them,feeding them,and provoking them.

Speaking of theft, I remember many YRS ago when my hubby’s car was broken into and the thief stole a bunch of his music cassette tapes, all of them except for the redneck country music ones, so even the thief has some standards and good taste in music, and my hubby and the 15 YR old were also trying to goad me by saying that the 22 YR old( and not me) is Buddy’s favourite, even though I actually am(and it’s obvious); he’s my dog and he loves me the most( he’s probably his second favourite and only goes with him because he has food!) and he’s the only one that loves me yet they won’t even let me have that and even try to take that away from me, stripping me of all love, dignity, happiness,joy, and respect. Why do they enjoy hurting me so much? Why are they so mean?

As well. my mother was helping the 9 YR old with his math( the 17 YR old used to but he kept being mean to her, incl. calling her a retard and saying “I’m going to kill you!” so she stopped,and I can’t do it as I can’t do math) and he was mean to her,too, despite her bragging how he wouldn’t be mean to her ( but he’s just a bratty kid; he’s like that to everyone because I’m the only one who ever disciplines him but when I do my hubby and mother always over-rule me) so she went up to her room and cried, and when I said “I hope she doesn’t kill herself or something!” my hubby smirked to me, “That’s your job!” (to commit suicide) and we were arguing too about my support of refugees; he said we should “look after our own first” and I said we should look after whoever has the greatest need, no matter where they come from, and fleeing war with nothing but the clothes on your back would qualify as the greater need.

I also noticed that the right side of my face is crooked and droopy! My mouth, lip,and the groove between my nose and lip on the right side is crooked and my right eye also droops and is often watery,and the thought occurred to me: I wonder if that time when I had that seizure awhile ago and I thought I was being electrocuted by the electric blanket if maybe I was actually having a stroke? Could it have perhaps maybe been a small stroke? Why else  is  just the one side of my face lop-sided? Great….just great….now I’m more ugly! I saw the movie Lala Land as well and the scene where the guy and girl were dancing up in the sky reminded me of dreams I’ve had where I’m doing the exact same thing; dancing with a handsome stranger up in the sky, and I’ve also experienced on a “trip” high on weed,too, and I was mentioning how the production  Stomp looks good and my hubby made some snide comment about it and I told him, “You just don’t understand art!”( because he’s uncultured) and he goes, “I just like to make fun of it!” He always like to make fun of, belittle,and put down everything and anything that I like though, incl. Reggae; he calls it my “druggie” and “stoner” music, when in reality most Reggae is very spiritual,praising Jah( God), but he’s just ignorant.

Turn your pain into art.