Dying Together?

Screen Shot 09-21-17 at 07.00 PM  I’m worried about Buddy as for the past 2 days he’s been acting weird: he’ll just disappear and hide under the couch or a bed and refuse to come, no matter what, even if he’s called, even for a walk, not even to eat( although he did still eat when I brought the food to him) which isn’t like him; he’s always by my side, not hiding off on his own like that, so I searched online and it said the reasons a dog might suddenly start hiding under furniture like that is either because of fear, anxiety, depression, sickness, pain, or it’s dying and it’s going off on it’s own to die by itself, which is what’s worrying me, esp. since he’s going to be 12 in February. I was able to coax him out somehwhat, part-way and then yank him the rest of the way out and then contain him in a smaller enclosed area on the backyard porch, as when I had him loose in the fenced yard earlier he still hid and didn’t come and I panicked again he was lost and it ended up he was hiding behind the shed wall and the fence.

As we cuddled together rocking on the porch swing he was relaxed and breathing softly in my arms, with his eyes closed and a feeling of fear swept over me, what if he’s actually dying right now, but at least he’s in my arms, not all alone off somewhere… and my heart just sank and I felt so desolate and tears started rolling down my face; I can’t even bear to think about it, about losing my best friend, but maybe I do have colon cancer and he has cancer too and we’re both dying together? That would be ideal though, as neither of us would be left behind, despondant and lonely, without his or her best friend, or maybe he’s not dying; I am,and he can somehow “sense” it and that’s why he’s depressed and hiding? If we do both die at the same time though I want him to be cremated with me as well and we can start our new journey together, running thru the sunflower fields of Heaven…

I’m hoping it’s maybe just Buddy’s hip (which appears to have arthritis and he’s always chewing at it) causing him  discomfort and he just wants to be left quiet and alone without anymore poking at him and that’s just why he’s hiding, to have peace and quiet, and not that it’s anything serious, and when I tried to get him out from under the couch his hip was touch and he yelped so it would likely indicate that’s probably the issue and I hope that’s all it is but I worry, just like I do with the kids, when you love someone you have so much to lose.

A cousin in Europe also said that her grandmother died from colon cancer as well  as my mother’s grandmother and uncle, so the chances of me having it have now just gone up, esp. when you consider the genetic factor, and my mother said when her grandmother died she was only in her 60’s and her only symptom was diarrhrea for a week (I’ve had it for months and I’m always taking the Immodium) so she went to her doctor and they found the cancer and did surgery and she ended up with a colostomy bag( which I would never get, are you kidding? A bag of shit hanging out of your body, bulging thru your clothing, possibly even leaking…..nothankyou) and died at home 3 months later. She never had any chemo or radiation although this was in the late 1950’s so they might not have had it,either.I did more research as well as diverticulosis itself  is generally caused by a low fibre diet and constipation but I eat a high fibre diet with lots of bread, grains, pasta, beans,and rice, and I always have diarrhrea, not constipation, and it doesn’t cause weight loss,either, yet cancer does, so it must be more than just diverticulosis by itself, and the thickening of the upper rectal walls sounds pretty cancer-like ominous as well, and has nothing to do with diverticulosis so my guess is when they do the colonoscopy they’ll likely find colon cancer and I’ll be surprised if they don’t.

Maybe both Buddy and I will die this year? Perhaps we’ll even die together, snuggled up together, best friends to the end, comforting one another, side-by-side forever, cozy and warm under the covers of my bed, or out on the porch in the sun, me petting his soft warm fur (SWF) and him licking my face one last time.

My Family Sucks!

YouSuck(new) My family sucks. Case in point: the 12 and 14 YR olds decreed to me that I am not to speak to them until I am spoken to(because I am not worthy and I am “beneath” them), the 21 YR old kept referring to me as “fat, obese mother”, and when I got mad that he ate one(without even asking,of course) of my 2 mini turkey, brie, cranberry, almond sandwiches my mother snarked, “Stop being so  GREEDY!”…and all that in just one day. Typical of how they treat me though, and I’m always being told how stupid I am,how fat I am, taunt me for looking masculine and say I’m a “man”, and being put down,blamed, demeaned, degraded, called names, talked to condescendingly by my mother and hubby and disrespected by the kids.

I wish someone loved me.

Buddy92 As well, here is an adorable photo of my beautiful boy.I just LOVE this little guy so much! He loves laying out in the sun with me,too, and stretches out beside me as I get my tan, snuggling up next to me. He’s the only one that really loves me.If I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have anyone. I’m so lucky and thankful to have him in my life!!

My left foot has also been really sore for the past few days, the bones at the top, and it hurts so much I can’t bear pressure on it and it’s hard to walk and I limp along and it’s swollen at the top too and I wonder if I maybe broke it somehow but I never fell or kicked anything, banged it, twisted it, and nothing fell on it to injure it, so maybe it’s arthritis, like how I have in my knees? That’s highly likely, esp. as when I move it it does crack alot. My mother likes to rub it in as well that SHE only has to see the specialist(doctor) every 6 months and *I* have to go every 4 months, so she’s better off than me( and I’m in worse shape than her) even though I’m younger and I told her that she should just be grateful that she’s relatively healthy, esp. considering her age.

Look What We Caught!!

Rat Look what we caught! A HUGE RAT!!!! This is what we caught in a trap in the basement that my hubby *thought* was a groundhog, ha, ha! The sucker is huge, almost as big as Buddy! I guess it must have come inside from outside when someone left the door open! It’s definitely the biggest rat I have ever seen, even bigger than a squirrel!It reminds me of those big sewer rats in NYC that you see in the movies. Anyways, we caught it in this trap and then my hubby drove it out somewhere far away and released it so hopefully it won’t come back. Poor Buddy kept whimpering and whining and was just going INSANE, trying to get at it,and we caught a mouse in the kitchen,too, near the washing machine where he’s always sniffing around, so I guess he knew it was there all along.

The 17 YR old also said his Accutane(acne pills) makes his joints all stiff and sore and it feels like he has arthritis and he feels like an old man so now he knows how *I* feel ALL the time with MY knees and neck and has a little preview of what it’ll be like for him in a few more decades,and I figured out why “Aunt Flow” came a week early for me,too: MY new diuretic( Spironolactone) is ALSO a hormone, so I guess it messes up my cycle…great…just…great…ugh!

My hubby gave me a “Culture test” as well, trying to “prove” that I’m not cultured, but he didn’t mark it fairly, like said I DON’T like or go to the theatre or ballet even though I DID used to go regularly when I lived in the city and had access to it( and my friend and I even had season tickets) but there’s no OPPORTUNITY for any culture here in small town “Bumble-F*ck”, so that doesn’t “count”….so he scored it wrong and then taunts that I’m NOT cultured and that I’m just a “Cultured wannabe”…. he can’t even give me that and won’t even “allow” me to have that, and he’s always trying to embarrass me and make me look and feel stupid. He’s such an asshole.

Rat2 Here’s another photo of Mr. Rat-Face for you. He IS a cute little bugger….

The Rich Lady.

RichLady There’s this lady( around age 50 or so, maybe older) that sits ahead of us in church that I dubbed “The Rich Lady” because she always dresses so well and looks so classy, elegant and refined. She dresses so fancy, with everything stylish and matching and with her hair pulled back in a low ponytail with a flower clip. I admire her and am fascinated by her. She’s just the epitome of style and grace and is everything that I’m not. There she is, looking all full of confidence and poise and here I am, with my anxiety disorders and with no confidence or self-esteem. I wish I could be like her and I stare at the back of her head, wondering what her life must be like. I make up all these scenarios in my head about her and her fancy life. In a town full of rednecks she’s like a rose in a field of weeds and the closest thing this town has to a Royal Family member. I don’t think she lives here though as we only see her and her husband( a well-dressed Indian man) occasionally, so I think they likely own a business( or several businesses) here and live elsewhere and just come here periodically to check up on them and come to church when they’re here in town. She certainly stands out here though, to say the least, and carries herself so gracefully she reminds me of a ballerina.

As well,I had a dream an ambulance was parked in front of our house and I said to the 10 YR old, “Look! It’s an ambulance!” and when the paramedics came up the stairs to our door a realization hit me and I said, “Oh, shit! They’re coming for ME!” She also had this pair of socks on that said “Pucker up” but with the fancy script and my poor eyesight at first I thought it said “f*cked up” and my neck arthritis has been bad for the past week and I got stung by a wasp on my finger and a Facebook friend said to put a teabag on it and it really helped( maybe it’s the tannic acid in it?) as for the first time the swelling went way down; all the other times it swells up 10 times the normal size(I’m allergic) and lasts for days! It was also 0 C overnight and we had frost, and Japan had a typhoon but our second-oldest said she’s ok; it wasn’t in the area where she lives.

Pizza Hut at first delivered our food to the wrong street yesterday as well and when we finally got it and saw the bill it was a completely different street name entirely and the stupidity of the people in this town never ceases to amaze me and maybe next time we should give them the coordinates; the latitude and longitude of our house so they can program it into their GPS so they can get the address right, the 6 YR old slapped my hubby across the face proving he really IS the biggest brat of ALL the kids; no one has EVER hit my hubby or I like that before, but I guess that’s what you GET when I’m the only one that ever tells him “no” and punishes him; my hubby and mother pamper, indulge,and excuse him and have turned him into a little monster, and the 18 YR old goes out every day handing out resumes everywhere applying for jobs and the 17 YR old’s friend likes the 18 YR old too and said if he ever asked her out she’d go out with him, and her younger sister is the 14 YR old’s friend as well AND she has a crush on the 15 YR old too but their mother doesn’t like him and says he’s a “bad influence” and doesn’t want her coming over to our house if he’s at home!

The 10 YR old also actually thought that corn kernals came loose and that you had to put them ON the cob to MAKE corn on the cob, and whenever my hubby is mean to me or we have a fight he hisses, “Go write about it on your blog or on Facebook or whatever you do!” but I have the right to vent on my own page/ site, to express my feelings, to say what’s going on in my life, to reveal my struggles, and besides, it’s the truth(and I won’t lie) and the weird thing is that he lies as well and says that he doesn’t read my blog when in actual fact he does; I know he even subscribes to it, and I can’t figure out why all the secrecy and lies; why doesn’t he just admit it? I don’t care if he reads it or not, it’s up to him, but WHY does he have to LIE about it? That’s what I don’t get!

There’s a song in “Les Miserables” that reminds me of my life,too, how I feel trapped, unable to escape my misery, with no hope of change or of things ever getting any better, no improvement or future: “Look down, look down, you’ll always be a slave….”